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Chopist | Page 9 of 52 | Zikoko!
  • I Got My Igbo Mum to Share Cooking Tips and Life Advice

    I Got My Igbo Mum to Share Cooking Tips and Life Advice

    If you ever want my mum to talk for three hours non-stop, just ask her about Igbo soups. She’d be more than happy to launch into a monologue about how they’re all better than freshly made agege bread.

    These soups originated from the Southeastern part of Nigeria and have a basic naming formula. “Ofe” means “soup” in Igbo, and it’s usually followed by the main ingredient in the soup — a vegetable. So if you want to be doing fitness, eat plenty Igbo soups.

    I had time to kill recently, and wanted to do the Lord’s work, so I asked my mum what the best Igbo soup recipes were. What followed was a mini cooking show/life therapy session. According to my Igbo mum, this is the best way to cook your favourite Igbo soups.

    PS: It’s her words from this point on.

    Ofe Oha (Oha soup)

    Image source: Lyndishes Kitchen

    First things first, you can’t manage resources with this soup. It’s better to borrow money than to eat oha soup that’s begging for life. And if you know how to price well at the market, you won’t need to finish your money. 

    What you’ll need for three to four servings

    • 2 cups of hand-chopped oha leaves 
    • 1 cup of knife-chopped uziza leaves
    • 1 cup of ground crayfish
    • 2 or 3 yellow scotch bonnet peppers
    • 1 tablespoon of ogili isi
    • Half a cup of cocoyam paste or 2 tablespoons of achi
    • Half a cup of palm oil
    • Meat
    • Stockfish and dry catfish
    • Salt and seasoning cubes

    Preparation

    • Thoroughly clean your stockfish with warm water — not hot, you don’t want all the taste to disappear, and not cold or it might not take out all the dirt from market storage.
    • Boil it with your cleaned meat in a little water, so they’ll get soft together. The water should be just enough to slightly cover the meat and stockfish because the meat will bring out its own fluid when heated. 
    • Season well. You notice I didn’t mention onions. It can overpower the soup’s taste, so we usually don’t add it.
    • Clean your dry fish and add it to the meat when it’s tender. If the meat stock is drying up, add about a cup of water to it. 
    • Grind the pepper and add it to the pot of steaming meat and fish. Yes, Igbo people like pepper too, but it shouldn’t drown out the taste of your soup.
    • After about five minutes, add palm oil and cocoyam paste in large lumps. If you can’t get cocoyam, use achi. But make sure you use good achi or your soup would be watery. How do you get good achi? Befriend the market women so they don’t sell rubbish to you. Drop all your phonetics, ask them about their children and see if they don’t become your friend. Phonetics won’t take you everywhere.
    • Add the ogili isi and crayfish. Be more generous with crayfish than politicians are when election is near. Cook for about three minutes. 
    • Check for salt and seasoning, and add more if necessary.
    • The soup should be thickened by now, so wash and add the chopped uziza leaves and stir.
    • Remember when I said the oha leaves should be hand-chopped? Cutting it with a knife might make the leaves hard, so just use your hand to tear them into large pieces — small pieces will just disappear into the soup because the leaves are very delicate — when it’s almost time. Wash with water, and add to the soup.
    • Reduce the heat, stir and cook for about five more minutes. 
    • Scoop out and chew a cooked oha leaf to confirm the soup is ready — it should be tender.
    • Enjoy your soup with any swallow except amala. Amala is just wrong with this soup, please.

    Ofe Owerri

    Image source: Dooney’s Kitchen

    This is what you cook when you want to buga to your enemies and let your amebo neighbours know you serve a living God. You must have money to cook Ofe Owerri. It’s not just soup. It’s a sign of prosperity. 

    What you’ll need for three to four servings

    • Half a cup of finely shredded okazi leaves
    • Half a cup of shredded ugu leaves (optional)
    • 2 or 3 yellow scotch bonnet peppers (ground)
    • Quarter cup of cocoyam paste (from the round Owerri ones)
    • 1 cup of ground crayfish
    • 1 tablespoon of ogili isi
    • Half a cup of palm oil
    • Assorted meat 
    • Snails (optional)
    • Stockfish and dry fish
    • 2 onions (sliced)
    • Salt and seasoning cubes

    Preparation

    • Season the stockfish, snails and meat with salt, seasoning and onions. Boil with half a cup of water. The stock will serve as the soup’s base, so it has to be tasty. A bland stock is just like using low-quality Hollandaise fabric to sew the best style. Whatever the style, the cloth will still spoil. Buy real Hollandaise.
    • When the meat is tender, add dry fish, crayfish, pepper and palm oil. Allow to cook for five minutes, then reduce the heat.
    • Add in the cocoyam paste gradually, and stir as it thickens. The soup shouldn’t be so thick. Easy does it; remember this when applying make-up too. 
    • Add the ogili isi and allow to cook for three minutes. If too thick, loosen with meat stock or water. Make sure to keep tasting for flavour and adjust the seasoning as necessary.
    • Add the washed okazi, and let it cook for two more minutes before adding the washed ugu leaves. If you don’t want ugu, just allow the soup to simmer for a bit.
    • Proceed to enjoy your soup with any swallow — again, not amala — and remember to open your windows so your neighbours can perceive the goodness of God in your life.

    RELATED: These Are the Easiest Nigerian Soups to Make, According to Ifeoluwa


    Ofe Onugbu (Bitter leaf soup)

    Image source: All Nigerian Foods

    This soup is proof that not everything sweet is good. I don’t know if it’s a proverb, but if you eat any bitter leaf soup that’s “sweet”, something is wrong somewhere. Sometimes, the best things in life will challenge you and your tastebuds.

    What you’ll need for three to four servings

    If you still haven’t gotten it yet, most of the ingredients you’ll need for Igbo soups are the same. The only major difference is the vegetable.

    • 1 cup of properly washed bitter leaves
    • 2 or 3 yellow scotch bonnet peppers (ground)
    • Quarter cup of cocoyam paste or 2 tablespoons of achi
    • 2 tablespoons of ground crayfish
    • 1 tablespoon of ogili isi
    • Half a cup of palm oil
    • Meat 
    • Stockfish and dry fish
    • Salt and seasoning cubes

    Preparation

    • Season your meat and stockfish as usual. This soup doesn’t need onions, but you can add a little to boil your meat if you like.
    • Once the meat is tender, add some water to loosen the stock. Add the cleaned dry fish, crayfish, pepper and palm oil. Allow to cook for five minutes then reduce the heat.
    • Add the cocoyam paste gradually and stir as it thickens. You can make the soup as thick as you want, but remember, too much of everything isn’t good.
    • Proceed to add the ogili isi and taste for seasoning. Allow it to cook for about three minutes before adding the washed bitter leaves. If you don’t know how to wash it, check here. Don’t be like my children who are too scared to taste the washed leaves before adding to the pot. How else will you know if it’s still too bitter?
    • Once added, allow it to cook for some minutes till the leaves are somewhat tender.
    • Bitter leaf soup is versatile and can withstand multiple rewarming if necessary. Is your prayer life as versatile?

    Ofe Nsala (White soup)

    Image source: Ollarica

    In Igbo land, we cook this soup for nursing mothers during the omugwo (post-childbirth) period. We also use fresh catfish instead of meat, but only rich people buy catfish now, so make do with what you have. Contentment is godly (except when cooking oha or ofe owerri, sha).

    What you’ll need for three to four servings

    • Chicken (or any meat you have).
    • 2 or 3 yellow scotch bonnet peppers (ground)
    • 2 big slices of yam
    • 2 tablespoons of ground crayfish
    • 1 teaspoon of ground uziza and ehuru seeds
    • 1 small chunk of ogiri okpei
    • Half a cup of uziza leaves
    • Quarter cup of utazi leaves
    • Meat 
    • Stockfish and dry catfish
    • Salt and seasoning cubes

    Preparation

    • At this point, you should already know to season and boil your meat and stockfish. Boil the yams in a separate pot of water, and pound it in a bowl when tender.
    • When the meat is tender, add some water to make room for the soup, then add the cleaned fish, crayfish, ogili okpei, ground seeds and pepper. 
    • Let this cook for three minutes before adding the pounded yam in small lumps. This will serve as the soup’s thickener.
    • Stir the soup until the yam dissolves. Don’t stir too much though, so the fish doesn’t scatter.
    • Add the washed utazi and uziza leaves. Be careful with the utazi as it’s quite bitter. Put it in gradually and taste as you go. Patience is a virtue in life, especially when cooking nsala.

    • After adding the leaves, allow the soup to simmer for two minutes.
    • Please, only serve with pounded yam. It’s the law.

    NEXT READ: What Your Favourite Soup Says About Your Sex Life

  • Perfectly Normal Nigerian Smoothies That Would Slap

    Perfectly Normal Nigerian Smoothies That Would Slap

    As an adult, if you don’t have food sensory issues, you should be exposing your palate to new food experiences. Why? Why not? You already play it safe in your relationship and your job, so why not try these very Nigerian smoothies I think would slap. 

    Agbalumo smoothie

    Imagine taking the first sip of that sweet and sour blend of flavours. It might take a lot of agbalumo to make this smoothie, but it definitely slaps. Trust me. 


    RELATED: For Everyone Who Agbalumos Have Given Trust Issues


    Garri smoothie

    Some of you already drink garri with milk and sugar. So if you’re feeling adventurous, simply top it up with fruits like strawberries or pineapples and other unnecessary things. You might as well blend it and carry it in a bottle to work. But if you fall asleep there, you’re on your own. 

    Corn smoothie

    What is a corn smoothie if not ogi persevering? If you can find joy in drinking ogi as an adult, this should work too. Buy the brown ogi, add your milk or yoghurt and top it with sprinkles. Perfection!

    Bitter-leaf smoothie

    If you can drink blended kale and all the other green atrocities, you can drink this. Add a bit of malt soda, milk and sugar, and your Nigerian mum would be proud of you for once. 

    Groundnut smoothie

    Peanuts and groundnut are basically the same thing. If the former can taste great, then groundnut smoothie should slap to the highest heavens. You can even do a garri and groundnut smoothie, or a corn and groundnut smoothie. Nah, y’all need to pay me for these recommendations. 

    Jollof rice smoothie

    It’s already your favourite food, so it might as well become your favourite smoothie too. Think of it as jollof on the go. If nasty things, like letting people spit in your mouth, don’t bother you then eating blended rice should be fine. 

    Every soup in the fridge smoothie

    Here me out, instead of throwing away all those small plates of soups in your fridge, why not turn them into one big cup of juice? You’re being less wasteful and eating healthy. What could go wrong?


    RELATED: Instantly Upgrade Your Zobo Drink With These 7 Recipes

  • POV: White Rice Cheats on Stew With Egusi

    POV: White Rice Cheats on Stew With Egusi

    Stew is on his way back home exhausted after long board meetings with tomato, pepper and onions. He can’t wait to get back to his wife, white rice, who decided to work from home today. 

    He gets home, unlocks the door, and the first thing he sees when he enters is his wife on the dining table with Egusi on top of her.

    Stew: W—what’s going on? 

    White rice: Babe, it’s not what it looks like. I swear!

    Stew: Of course, you’ll use the standard cheating line.

    White rice: I’m not cheating, babe. It’s really not what it looks like.

    *Egusi just sits there looking smug.*

    Stew: I can’t- I can’t do this. *Stew storms out of the house and drives off*

    White rice to Egusi: Why are you just sitting there? Why didn’t you tell him the truth?

    Egusi: What truth? That I finally got the girl I wanted?

    White rice: Are you mad? 

    Egusi: White rice, you know I’ve wanted you for a long time. And I always thought you deserved better than boring ass stew. 

    *White rice looks at Egusi like she wants to slap the hell out of him.* 

    Egusi: I don’t even understand why you’re upset. The way he reacted without giving you the chance to explain shows he clearly doesn’t trust you. 

    White rice: Anybody would react the same way after seeing someone on top of their partner. 

    Egusi: I wouldn’t have. And that’s why you should be with me?

    White rice: Are you okay? Aren’t you dating eba?

    Egusi: Forget about that. That’s not important. 

    White rice: Now. I see why pounded yam broke up with you. Mscheeew 

    *Egusi tries to hold White rice’s hand but she pulls it away*

    Egusi: White rice, you and I are meant to be, and you know this. People outside say we’re a bad combination, but I disagree. We go perfectly together. Fuck what anybody else says.

    *White rice looks at Egusi with irritation.*

    White rice: You’re just saying rubbish. Please, leave my house.

    Egusi: But we haven’t finished —

    White rice: Get out! 

    It’s the middle of the night. White rice is sleeping in the living room when she hears a rustling of keys and realises it must be stew coming back home. She hopes to God he has calmed down. 

    Stew unlocks the door. When he walks in, it’s clear he’s been drinking palm oil, way too much of it. 

    White rice walks over to help him before he hurts himself. There goes the conversation she wanted to have with him tonight. 

    Stew: You hurt me *in a slurred voice* 

    White rice: I promise you I didn’t, baby. But we’ll talk about it tomorrow. 

    Stew: Tomorrow, I’m moving out.

    *White rice drops him on the bed* 

    White rice: You’re not going anywhere in Jesus’ name. This was all a misunderstanding and we’ll sort it—

    She hears some snoring and realises Stew is fast asleep. 

    She sighs and begins to take off his shoes and pants. 

    White rice is sitting up in bed using her phone when she hears Stew groan beside her. 

    White rice: Good morning, ba-

    Stew: You’re texting Egusi, abi?

    White rice: What? Okay, time to put all of this to an end. I need you to not say anything while I talk, okay? 

    *Stew rolls his eyes*

    White rice: You know how this brand called Zikoko is always pushing the agenda that people should eat me and Egusi together?

    Stew: Oh, I should answer? You said I shouldn’t talk na. Okay. Yes, I know.

    White rice: So they reached out to me and asked if I’d take a picture with Egusi for one of their articles. They offered to pay a huge sum of money, and since we’re trying to japa, I agreed. 

    Stew: If so, why didn’t you take the picture side by side? 

    Egusi: Because they wanted to show that Egusi and I really belonged together. If we didn’t do it like that, they wouldn’t have paid. I can show you the email. I’m not lying, babe. And we weren’t even naked. I’d only been parboiled, and Egusi wasn’t completely done. 

    Stew stares into his wife’s eyes and sees she’s actually telling the truth. 

    Stew: I’m sorry I didn’t give you the chance to explain, babe.

    White rice: I completely understand. You owe me extra meat for the stress sha. 

    Stew: Hahahaha

    And they lived happily ever after. 

    ALSO READ: Amala, Pounded Yam and Eba Debate for the Title of Best Swallow 

  • 8 Other Things You Can Make With Garri Besides Eba

    8 Other Things You Can Make With Garri Besides Eba

    Garri is too much of a versatile bad bitch for y’all to limit to eba. I’m sure it feels insulted. These are eight other recipes you can make with garri. Number four is my favourite. 

    Garri chocolate truffle

    Before you say Zikoko has come again with their weird food recommendations, garri chocolate truffle is actually quite good. I wish I could buy it for you to prove my point but you can make it at home any day you have the chance. It’s not easy to make sha.

    Garri salad 

    Garri salad is more interesting than your regular, basic tasting vegetable salad. Just add water to your garri to soften it, then pour over any salad mix, stir together and you’re good to go. 

    Garri fotor 

    Image credit: Eat well abi

    Instead of eating jollof rice on Sunday, eat jollof garri AKA Garri Fotor. I can almost promise there’s no difference… except the sardine. I know we have beef with Ghanaians, but we have to thank them for this recipe. 


    ALSO READ: Nigerians Need to Start Eating These 8 Things With Garri


    Wainar rogo (garri biscuits)

    Image credit: Connect Nigeria 

    I don’t know how you’ll like akara but not know wainar rogo exists. These are biscuits made from fried eba, and they’re super crunchy and delicious. It’s like eating chicken nuggets. You can fry them plain or with beef and eggs. 

    Garri cake 

    Image credit: Naija foodie 

    After cheesecake, garri cake is the next best thing. It’s sweet, cheap and very easy to make. Instead of spending all your money on cake for your birthday, make yourself this. 

    Garrinola 

    Nigerians deserve to win awards for coming up with interesting recipes. Somebody really sat down and came up with garrinola? Genius. Add Ijebu garri granola, instead of the regular one, to your next parfait. 

    Garri smoothie

    Image credit: Bollas Kitchen

    You’re most likely thinking, “Why would I blend garri and make it into a smoothie?” The answer is, “Why not?” Instead of making that heavy bowl of eba, have a nice healthy cup of garri smoothie.  

    Garri cookies 

    Image credit: What to cook today

    If you like oatmeal cookies, you’d love garri cookies; same texture and almost the same delicious taste. Next time you want to bake something, try these. 


    ALSO READ:  All the Exciting Ways You Can Eat and Drink Your Eggs

  • Meal Prepping Is the Biggest Scam of This Generation

    Meal Prepping Is the Biggest Scam of This Generation

    Every micro-influencer and their grandma has a “GRWM: meal prep for the week” video on Instagram or Twitter. At this point, if I see anymore of these videos, I’ll scream. I thought we were all struggling and stuff. Isn’t the economy crashing in your area?

    Food is supposed to bring you joy, especially now that life is tough. I tried to meal prep for a week, and here are my thoughts.

    I’ve eaten everything in one day. Now what?

    What happens when you meal prep those super small portions, and now, you’ve eaten five out of ten plates before they even freeze? Food is nice the day you cook it, and your brain will just keep saying, “Just one more bite”. Next thing, it’s all gone. Not me, though, but y’all be safe.


    RELATED: Everyone Loves These 10 Meals, Until It’s Time to Prepare Them


    Is meal-prepping sibling-proof?

    I’m a big believer in not tempting people to do things that might make me want to commit unalive. Anyone with siblings knows you can’t even leave water in the fridge without them drinking it, and now, you’re saying I should basically leave them a feast? Be fucking for real, abeg. 

    Eating the same thing is boring!

    Didn’t we all want to stop being kids so badly so no one could tell us we couldn’t eat whatever we want whenever we wanted? You’ll eat dry spag and sauce for lunch for one-week straight and wonder why your brain keeps telling you to fight your coworkers. Sis, it’s unahppy. 

    Have you eaten defrosted rice?

    As a Nigerian, half our foods are rice. So you too, imagine making a big batch of village or coconut rice and deciding to portion it out to last a week. By the third day, the sad state of the rice will make you want to cry. Sad food doesn’t slap!

    The time you said I’ll save, I’m wasting it

    They keep pushing this propaganda that meal prepping helps you save time, and I’m yet to see how. Cook one big batch of food that it does to make small tiny meals every day. Don’t ask me how I know. I just know. 

    What if it’s tastes bad?

    We all make mistakes sometimes, what if I make a big batch of food, and it tastes horrible? Now, I have to suffer in silence for a week? Small portions will never do that to you. 

    Do you have shares in NEPA?

    How will you guarantee they’ll bring light consistently enough for the food’s quality to remain intact in the freezer? What about when I’m ready to eat, and I need to use the microwave? Does meal prepping come with a different NEPA perk?


    RELATED: If You Don’t Use These 7 Ingredients to Cook, You Have a Problem

  • 10 Food Resolutions We’ll All Keep This 2023 

    10 Food Resolutions We’ll All Keep This 2023 

    Welcome to my YouTube channel, where I tell people what to do and not do with food and drinks. Today, we shall be talking about our food resolutions for the year. If you don’t want us to fight, do all the things I‘ve listed below. 

    Kill chicken 

    At your big age, you don’t know how to hold a chicken to the ground and kill it? Come on now. You’re too big for this. This is a skill people add to their CVs, and you don’t have it? Do better this year. 

    Eat semo 

    Growing up means realising semo isn’t that bad, and people are just overdoing it with the slander. Give semo a try. I promise, you’ll see the light. 

    (This isn’t Dammy o. My account was hacked by Memi. Semo is trash.)

    Attend more food events 

    Stop waiting for the end of the year to attend overcrowded food festivals. Many events happen throughout the year — BBQs, potlucks, yam and plantain festival, cocktails, etc. You just have to shine your eye and ears.

    Eat Korean food 

    Are you not tired of going to that Chinese restaurant every single time you’re looking for where to eat? You want to say you’ve also been to Japanese restaurants. Good for you (even though all you ate was sushi and rice).

    Make homemade pasta 

    Just realised this isn’t as hard as all those fancy chefs make it seem online. Apparently, you can even do this without some big-ass machine. I think everyone shoud make their own pasta at least once, just for the fun of it. 

    RELATED: Make Bougie Creamy Pasta With Less Than ₦10k

    Try okra ice cream 

    This agenda must agend because okra ice cream slaps. Remember the famous saying, “Don’t judge an ice cream by it’s name and ingredients.”

    Have a cocktail competition

    Gather your friends together and see who can make the best cocktail from basic ingredients. This is actually so much fun, and the fact that everyone will end up drunk is a bonus. 

    Go outside your comfort zone 

    This year, just be adventurous with food. Try meals from other tribes you’ve only ever heard about online, try a difficult recipe, eat that food you stopped liking many years ago, eat at a beer parlour, put pineapples in your burger and cheese in pancakes. Just don’t be basic. 

    Drink water 

    Because you people always forget to drink at least two litres a day and that’s not healthy. I need y’all alive and well to read Zikoko articles. 

    Ban fufu

    Yes, semo is trash, but fufu is its oga. If you’re out here eating fufu, it means you can comfortably pick something from a toilet dustbin to eat.  

    Stop eating rice and tomato stew

    We’re no longer in the days of our parents when the only thing they ate with white rice was either standard tomato stew or soup that was meant for swallow. There are way too many sauces out there for you to try with your rice. Don’t limit yourself.  

    Order something new at a restaurant 

    You order things like rice, burger, pasta, chicken and chips, and in your mind, you’ve gone to a restaurant to eat. Stop deceiving yourself. Open that menu, and order a meal with a name that’s hard to pronounce. Let’s start from there.

    ALSO READ: All the Many Different Ways You Can Get Free Food in This Economy

  • Amala, Pounded Yam and Eba Debate for the Title of Best Swallow 

    Amala, Pounded Yam and Eba Debate for the Title of Best Swallow 

    Moderator: Happy New Year and welcome to 2023! This year, we have a long list of people who want to make their case in front of the judge. For our first debate of the year at Zikoko HQ, Amala, Eba and Pounded Yam will go against each other for the title of “Best Swallow in Nigeria”. To make it more interesting, Semo will make a case for why they should be included as one of the top swallows. 

    As usual, there are two rounds. The three parties will present their arguments to the judges in the first round. They have two minutes each, so they have to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best swallow win.

    Eba, you’re up first. 

    (Eba walks to the stand) 

    Image credit: Tribune online

    Eba: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is Eba, and I’m here to assert the motion that I’m the best swallow in Nigeria. You see, I’m a staple food in every Nigerian home. When there’s nothing to eat, I’m there. And unlike Amala, I’m not limited to one soup.

    Amala:

    Eba: I’m the cheapest swallow, and I come in many variations — yellow, white and Ijebu garri — so people get to experience me differently. Oh, and let’s not forget I’m easy to make. I’m ready in five minutes, and you don’t have to use all the power in your body to turn or pound me. 

    (Eba walks back to their seat as Amala walks to the stage) 

    Amala: There is this constant debate about whether I’m trash or not. But the people who say I’m trash usually haven’t tried me yet.

    Exhibit A

    I may be tough to make, but trust me, I’m worth the wait.

    Pounded yam: Are you flirting with the judge?

    Amala: Shut up. What are you saying? 

    Like I was saying, I’m not a common commodity eaten by everybody, like eba and pounded yam. I’m a rare gem. I’m mostly seen at parties where people rush me. My dear audience, how many times do people ask for eba at parties? Are they even invited for parties? Exactly. I’m the most talked about swallow, and if I wasn’t the best, people wouldn’t be out there fighting for me.

    (Amala walks back to their seat as pounded yam mounts the stage) 

    Pounded yam: Good morning, everyone. My name is pounded yam, and I’m THE best swallow in Nigeria. First of all, I’m the only sweet swallow; people can decide to eat me without soup, and I’ll still taste delicious. My skin is smooth, so unlike eba, I won’t get stuck in your throat. Swallows like semo and fufu tried to copy me but they didn’t turn out right, and that’s why many people don’t like them. I’m wanted both at home and at parties, and that’s why I’m the best.

    (Semo walks to the stand)

    Image credit: Business day

    Semo: I’m tired. I’m tired of the constant semo slander. Many years ago, people loved me. I was one of the top swallows in many households. Then the Gen-Zs and younger millennials came around and started tainting my name. Now, pounded yam has the audacity to tell me I’m trying to be like them. Me!

    Amala: Ermmm. This isn’t supposed to be a movie monologue. It’s a debate. Get to your points.

    Semo:

    I need people to stop slandering me. Not only is it affecting my mental health, but also, everything bad being said about me comes from Gen-Zs. So clearly, there’s an agenda against me. How can you say I taste like ass when Fufu exists? 

    I look and taste good. If not, why did Brighto always cook me in the Big Brother Naija house that year? If I’m that bad, why are factories still producing me? Clearly, I’m wanted. It’s 2023, time to stop with the insults and grow up. I’m a good ass swallow (no pun intended), and I deserve to be added to the list of best swallows. 

    (Semo walks back to their seat, and the moderator returns to the stage) 

    Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now, it’s time to face one another. You have five minutes.

    Amala: Pounded yam, how do you expect to be the best swallow when people have to suffer from body aches every time they pound you? 

    Pounded yam: If you had some sense, you’d know there are new methods that don’t involve pounding. 

    Eba: I don’t even know why this debate exists. I’m clearly the best. Do you know how many times I’m eaten in a week? Some people even eat me for breakfast and lunch. 

    Amala: Being cheap and available to be used by everybody doesn’t make you the best. It just means you’re low-quality.

    Eba: Coming from the person who’s constantly called trash? Not the pot calling the kettle black. 

    Amala:

    Semo: I don’t care about all these things you people are saying. I just want everyone to agree I deserve to be at the top just like all of you. 

    Amala: See this plagiarised pounded yam talking. Abeg, shift. 

    Semo:

    Eba: Please, don’t make pounded yam feel important. *Looks at pounded yam* People barely eat you or talk about you. Sometimes, we even forget you exist. Even semo is more talked about than you. Even if it’s slander.

    Semo:

    Pounded yam: What is this one saying? You that tastes like sand. You’re only good for sticking things on the wall.  

    Amala: And you have a serious case of identity crisis because you can’t decide if you want to be yellow, white or Ijebu.

    Eba: Are you mad? 

    Amala: And Pounded yam, you make people feel too heavy. That’s why they don’t like to eat you. 

    Pounded yam: People don’t like to eat you cause you’re black.

    Amala: Wow! The colourism jumped out. Not that I expected better from a light-skinned person anyway. 

    Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break to give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner. 

    (One of the judges walks to the stage) 

    Judge: You all did well in your arguments. But a winner must be decided.  

    Judge: And the best swallow to exist in Nigeria is… Amala!

    Amala: 

    ALSO READ: Port Harcourt Bole and Lagos Boli Fight for the Title of “Best Roasted Plantain” 

  • Eat and Get Paid for It: Here’s How

    Eat and Get Paid for It: Here’s How

    From owambe jollof to Lagos babe pasta and Iya Basira amala, food has proven to be more than something merely eaten to survive. It’s a love language, a coping mechanism, a way of life— God’s gift to humanity. But you can also make money from just eating, and these helpful tips will show you how.

    Work as a home economics teacher

    Check the meaning of “enjoyment” in the dictionary, and you’ll probably see a home economics teacher holding a big cooler of rice and jug of freshly pressed juice. This job is especially perfect if you hate cooking because all you have to do is share recipes for the students to make the meals. It’s like having a private chef, only at the end of the month, you’re the one getting paid salary. 

    Work at a restaurant 

    Trust us, the only reason you think working from home is better than working from the office is because you haven’t worked at a restaurant before. Because how can anyone turn down an offer to be surrounded by free food? Just be praying they don’t get plenty customers sha, so you’ll have plenty leftovers to take home. 

    Become a judge on a cooking show 

    This one is easy. All you have to do is sit down and wait for people to try and impress you with their cooking. If you’re hungry and the food is taking time to be ready, just remind them that their clock is ticking and watch them move at twice the speed. You also never have to worry about getting small meat because they want you to like them.

    Crash a wedding 

    Looking for where to find the two things you love — food and money — in one place? Try a Nigerian wedding. Dress up nice so no one will figure out you’re doing mogbo moya. After eating to your heart’s content, you can proceed to dance with the couple and pick money as people are spraying them. 

    Become a content creator

    Content creation is the in thing now, and you need to hop on it. Apart from the money and fame you’d enjoy as an online celeb, you also get invited to restaurants to review their menus and post about it — it’s giving food critic. But make sure you focus on the food niche, not TikTok dances and skits. 

    Apply for food competitions

    We’re not sure how the selection process works, but do whatever you can to be in these competitions. Not only do they give you food that’ll last you for two days, but they’ll also give you prize money if you eat it all on time. Enjoyment no pass like this.

    Cook with Knorr

    Imagine spending money to buy food when you can be cooking equally delicious meals in your house and getting ₦5k when you use Knorr.

    Knorr has launched the Unwrap and Win Promo to reward users for basically cooking and eating foods they already love. And all you need to do is check the wrap of your Knorr seasoning cube for a hidden code, send the code to 8011 and win ₦5k cash or ₦1k airtime instantly.  

    Visit the website to purchase your Knorr packs, and Instagram to follow the conversation online and secure your own urgent ₦5k.

  • 7 Recipes for The Best Zobo Drink Flavours

    7 Recipes for The Best Zobo Drink Flavours

    I always thought zobo was bland. Like, how do people enjoy the burning sensation that courses through their digestive systems with just one sip?

    But then, I discovered these options. And let’s just say, I’m onboard the zobo train now. Try some of the best flavors of zobo and thank me later.

    1. Zobo with pineapple and ginger

    Image source: K’s cuisine

    Most people already add ginger to their zobo — hence, the burning sensation — but you need something to balance out the sharpness, and pineapple works great.

    Recipe:

    • Wash a cup of zobo leaves in warm water, and put into a pot of two litres of water.
    • Add a tablespoon of grated ginger and a cup of pineapple concentrate (or whole pineapple peels). Allow this to boil for about 25 minutes.
    • Add some sugar (depending on how sweet you want it), stir well and allow the mixture to simmer for a few minutes.
    • Drain with a fine-mesh strainer into another container to get rid of any particles, and allow it to cool before refrigerating.
    • Garnish with citrus fruits to serve, for extra pizzazz, and enjoy.

    Find the detailed recipe here.

    2. Mixed-fruit Zobo

    Image source: Zubaydaisah

    Why have one fruit when you can have multiple? TBH, mixed-fruit zobo is giving Chapman, but I don’t hate it.

    Recipe:

    • Make the zobo drink with the recipe above but with less pineapple and sugar to make room for the other fruits.
    • Blend half of a medium watermelon, blend a mango to make a smooth pulp and juice two oranges. 
    • Sieve the watermelon and mango pulp to remove the particles.
    • Add all three to your zobo drink and refrigerate (Warm zobo tastes like tears).
    • For the complete Chapman look, add the cut-up pieces of fruit when you serve the zobo.

    ALSO READ: Wait, Who Invented Chapman?


    3. Zobo Margarita

    Image source: Periperi chef

    Something for the raging alcoholics too, of course. 

    Recipe:

    • Make your zobo drink. Cold, of course.
    • Rim a cocktail glass with salt and place in the fridge to chill.
    • Put ice in a cocktail shaker with half a cup of zobo, a shot of tequila and two tablespoons of lemon juice. Shake vigorously for a couple of minutes.
    • Pour into the chilled salt-rimmed glass, and serve immediately.

    Find the detailed recipe here.

    4. Zobo and watermelon smoothie

    Image source: Lil’ Luna 

    For when a plain watermelon smoothie just won’t cut it.

    Recipe:

    • Cut a small watermelon into cubes, and throw in a blender with half a cup of milk or yoghurt and two tablespoons of lemon juice. Blend together with half a cup of ice until smooth.
    • Pour into half a cup of cold zobo (preferably sweetened with pineapple), mix well and serve. 

    ALSO READ: Weird Homemade Cocktails Zikoko Writers Are Making


    5. Zobo and unsweetened yoghurt

    Image source: Funke Koleosho

    This zobo and yoghurt dessert is technically a drink. Don’t you drink some types of yoghurt? I don’t make the rules.

    Recipe:

    • Mix some unsweetened yoghurt in a bowl and add some condensed milk to sweeten it.
    • Transfer the mixture into a dessert cup and place in a fridge so the yoghurt can set.
    • Dissolve some gelatin in hot water. The quantity of gelatin depends on how much zobo syrup you have, but one or two tablespoons should suffice. 
    • When completely dissolved, stir in the zobo syrup and allow it to cool.
    • Pour the mixture over the yoghurt you prepared earlier, and garnish with any fruit of your choice.

    Find the detailed recipe here.

    6. Zobo lemonade

    Image source: 9ja foodie

    This is the lemon version of the pineapple recipe.

    Recipe:

    • Prepare your zobo drink without pineapple concentrate.
    • In a separate pot, add sugar and a cup of water. Boil and stir to dissolve the sugar.
    • Cool the sugar mixture in the fridge, then mix in a cup of freshly squeezed lemon juice, and you have your lemonade.
    • Next, mix the lemonade with the zobo, refrigerate and serve chilled.

    7. Zobo, banana and dates smoothie

    Image source: Funke Koleosho

    If you can’t tell I love smoothies at this point, I don’t know what to say. But you’ll love this one.

    Recipe:

    • Prepare your zobo drink.
    • Soak half a cup of dates in water for an hour to soften it.
    • Dice two or three frozen bananas into a blender. Add the dates and half a cup of milk or yoghurt. Blend until smooth.
    • Pour the blended mixture into a bowl, and mix in the zobo drink.
    • Serve and enjoy.

    NEXT READ: These Are 7 Simple Cocktails You Can Make With Ingredients in Your Kitchen

  • 12 Recipes to Try on the 12 Days of Christmas

    12 Recipes to Try on the 12 Days of Christmas

    Christmas season is here, and I’m excited for all the food I’ll eat this period. I’m doing this thing where, for 12 days of December (any 12 consecutive days before Christmas), I’ll make a different thing to eat and drink. I want you to join me, so I’ve written a list of the 12 recipes we’ll be trying. Let me know how it goes. 

    Day 1

    Turkey and plantain pepper soup

    I made this meal after a long ass day at work, and after eating it, I felt instant relief. I no longer wanted to throw hands at my colleagues or cry out of frustration. This is exactly why you should use this recipe to start your Christmas holiday; it’s deliciously soothing. After a long work year, it’s exactly what you need. Don’t try it when the weather is too hot sha.

    Get recipe at Sisi Yemmie

    Day 2

    Tropical fried rice

    The normal fried rice you cook at parties with a twist. This one is a bit more festive and includes coconut and pineapple. Before you open your mouth and say, “Who puts pineapples in fried rice?” Try it first. 

    Find recipe at All Nigerian Recipes 

    Day 3

    Zobo Martini 

    Time to open the Zobo that’s been in your fridge for a few days, and use it to make a unique martini. I’m not a fan of Zobo, but I’d gladly drink it when mixed with vodka. 

    Find recipe at Guardian Life

    Day 4

    Peppered cow liver 

    I believe the liver is one of the most delicious parts of the cow. If you disagree with me, argue with the cow. Instead of the usual hard chicken piece, small chops should include peppered cow liver. It’s that delicious. 

    Find the recipe at Ada’s Recipes

    Day 5

    Yaji chicken pops 

    Image credit: Dobby’s signature 

    On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, fiiiiive chicken pops! Nigerians have found a way to make chicken pops better, and it’s by adding yaji pepper to it. They can be eaten alone or with fries, yam chips or anything you want honestly. They can be addictive, so good luck. 

    Find the recipe on Dobby’s Signature 

    Day 6

    Hot chocolate Baileys 

    We don’t have winter in Nigeria, but you can put on your AC, or sit in front of a fan, and have this hot drink while watching a cliche Christmas movie. It’s Milo with a bit of alcohol inside. 

    Find recipe on Marley’s Menu 

    Day 7

    Puff puff and Ice cream 

    Photo credit: Folahan

    The fluffiness of hot puff puff mixes so well with cold vanilla ice cream and makes it so sweet. If I had my way (and a fast metabolic system), I’d eat this for breakfast, lunch and dinner. In case you don’t want to buy puff puff…

    Find a recipe on how to make it at Immaculate Bites 

    Day 8

    Ponmo sauce 

    This is basically low-budget Nkwobi; instead of cow leg, use ponmo. It still slaps. 

    Find recipe at Ada’s recipes

    Day 9

    Pineapple and watermelon mocktail

    I’m actually begging you, take a break from that pack of Chivita and try something different today. The watermelon and pineapple mocktail is a really sweet drink that can be made in minutes. Make it in a large batch and just drink it over the week — or in one day, if you’re like me. 

    Find the recipe at Times of India

    Day 10

    Chocolate fudge brownie ice cream 

    Go back and read the name of the recipe again. If you ever want to taste happiness, try this recipe. The Christmas holiday is for eating all sorts of junk food in the name of celebration, and this ice cream, is the right place to start from. 

    Get the recipe at Cravings of a Lunatic

    Day 11

    Mkpafere soup 

    Mkpafere soup looks like oha soup but tastes different. Just put back the ingredients you’ve brought out for the okra soup you want to make, and start preparing for Mkpafere. I promise you’ll love it. If you have money, add prawns inside. 

    Find recipe at Sisi Yemmie 

    Day 12

    Bee’s Knees  

    The Bee’s Knees is a cocktail made with gin, lemon and honey. It’s actually kinda sweet, and that’s why you’d love it. Plus, the name is weird; the weirder the name of the drink, the better. 

    Get the recipe at Cookie+Kate

    ALSO READ: How to Eat Like a Food Blogger on a ₦30k Budget This Detty December