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One day, you visit a friend, only to find out that they store garri in their fridge. Friends and family, I’m here to tell you that just because your mum does something doesn’t mean it’s correct to do it too.
Here are some things that shouldn’t be in your fridge, and if they’re, what it says about you.
Garri
If you store your garri in the fridge, people shouldn’t joke with you at all o. You’ll defo break bottle on your head to remind people you’re not normal, at least twice a week. I’ve never met a normal person who actually likes garri, so carry on.
Jollof rice
Jollof rice should be eaten hot and fresh, with heat nearly blinding you. Why are you eating jollof that has lost its essence from multiple defrosting? Are you against enjoyment?
Yam
Yam is already hard and void of love. You now want to store it in the fridge so it can get harder? It’ll turn into a rock-hard weapon that’s impossible to cut or peel, like you and all the layers of wickedness in your heart. Sheesh.
Plantain chips
If you store your plantain chips in the fridge, you’re definitely a first born used to hiding food from your siblings. Storing them in the fridge will ruin the experience, abeg.
Suya
Suya is supposed to be eaten hot, preferably on the road to your house, so you don’t share it. Anyone who can eat cold suya can eat a human being. Yes, I said it.
Bread
Your taste buds stopped working when you were ten years old, if you store bread in the fridge. Imagine choosing to defrost bread, might as well soak it in water and eat it like cereal.
Onions
Onions need to breathe somewhere dry. How do I know? The Zikoko Bureau of Statistics, of course. I just know you don’t allow the people in your life to breathe when you’re around.
Honey
Storing honey in the fridge is like locking your puppy in a closet — it’s cruel and unnecessary. Honey lasts forever; chilling it will just make it thick and difficult to use.
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First of all, who said eating garri had to be basic? Garri can be bougie too, you know. Add water to your garri to soften it, then pour over any salad mix, stir together and you’re good to go.
Suya
We know what you’re thinking – “Is Zikoko okay at all?” – But hear us out, you already eat suya with plenty of onions and pepper. Why not add all the ingredients of a salad to it to make it a little healthier?
Raw pepper
If you’re Yoruba and you enjoy eating salad, we know you’ve thought about doing this before. Don’t be scared to try it. You know you want to.
Shrimp
If you’re the type of person who wants to throw hands when they hear seafood slander, press your haters’ necks with a shrimp salad.
Nuts
Groundnut, tiger nut, and hazelnut, we all love to snack on these foods. Why not add them to your salad too? Unless you’re allergic to nuts, this is a whole meal.
Spicy Chicken
Chickens weren’t made to live on top of jollof rice forever. You need to get out of your comfort zone and try new things with it. Like using chicken to make a spicy salad.
Yam
Yam can be boring on its own. But you can’t deny that it slaps when you imagine it being nicely diced and mixed with other ingredients in a salad. It just fits right in.
Catfish
You might think the only appeal catfish has is pepper soup. But that’s because you’ve not tried grilling it and using it to make a salad. You’re eating fish on one hand, and on the other hand, there’s no other hand, it’s just fish salad.
The best thing about all these foods, is you don’t have to make them by yourself. So Fresh has made a set of new salads with unpredictable and exciting foods like Catfish, Suya, Pineapple salsa and Beans. You can find all the best combos on their website and make your pick.
In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods a chance to write love letters to who they care about. Love Letters to Food.
Egg Sauce of life,
I’m in awe of you. I love how diverse you are. You can be cooked in so many ways with different ingredients. It’s one of the reasons why many people love you. You bring all the excitement to this marriage, and I’m grateful for it.
When I was dating stew, not only was I always bored, but I also felt incomplete, like something was missing. I couldn’t figure out what it was until I met you. It felt like an age-old connection was rekindled, and every moment we spend together, I appreciate all that you offer me.
You’re my best friend. I love that we can be romantic and lovey-dovey and also goofy and mischievous as hell. I remember when someone made us for lunch, ate a tiny bit and put the rest of us in the fridge. We felt so unwanted and wanted to get revenge so bad, we decided to fall on the floor the next time he took us out of the fridge. The look on his face was too funny.
You make life so easy; when people are thinking of what to eat me with, you always make yourself an available option, and I really appreciate that. In the midst of all the chaos in this country, you’ve been there for me. When people boil me too soft, you comfort me and tell me you’ll deal with the person. It’s so cute when you act like you can fight. I remember when you threatened to beat up that Chukwudi boy who cut me up haphazardly and then forgot about me until I got burnt because he went to watch a football match. I found it so sexy and adorable at the same.
I love how we work so well together, like we were meant to be. The way your sauce mixes with my soft body is the reason people love us so much. We’re the perfect breakfast combo. If anyone disagrees, they can argue with their frying pan. I hope we continue to make people happy during mealtime. I also hope I bring you even a fraction of the joy you bring me.
You have illuminated my life and enriched it far more than I could have dreamed possible. I can’t imagine my world without you. To more breakfasts and brunches.
In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to those they care about. This is Love Letters to Food.
Dear Beans,
Remember when we were at a bukka and a man came in shouting that their food had given him explosive diarrhoea? He was so furious as told them how he spent his entire day in and out of the toilet and even finished all the tissue in the house.
We just sat in a corner laughing because you were the cause of his stomach problem. When you were being cooked, you pretended like you were done, so the seller put off the fire and served you like that. It was even funnier because I was on the plate with you and knew the prank you were about to pull. It was such a foolish prank.
I miss when we used to cause mischief. You were always ready to do foolish things with me, and that’s why you’re my favourite cousin in the entire world. You’re the one family member I genuinely get along with. Butter and egg are great, but they’re also boring. Their idea of fun is starting polls on who between them people prefer to eat me with. And I hate the polls because I’d rather be eaten with you.
People used to eat us together a lot. . They used to crave us so much that, before Thursday, we would’ve been served to at least 16 people in one bukka alone. We were the perfect team because we taste great for how cheap we are. But now, we rarely see each other.
You spend a lot more time with yam, plantain and rice. And I guess it’s because people don’t just want to eat you and me all the time. I’ve even seen you hang out with sliced bread and spaghetti a few times. And while I’m happy you get to spend more time with other foods (I’m not sure about you and spaghetti sha), I sometimes long for the days when it was you and I, with the others as “once in a while” options.
You’re not just my cousin, you’re my best friend. And despite all the foods I’ve met in this life, there’s no one like you. You’re so cool people even eat you alone and enjoy you. You make them gassy and that makes you such a fun food because there’s never a dull moment with you. Remember when we used to laugh at short people who ate a lot of you because they thought it would make them taller? Or when people used to dip me in Coke because that’s how much sapa had dealt with them. Good times.
Thank you for bringing excitement into my life. Thank you for showing me there’s more to life than sitting around and waiting to be eaten. As I’ve said about 100 times in this love letter, I miss you cuz. Life is boring without you. I really hope we get to spend a lot more time together this year. With the way the economy is going, more people will look for us soon, so be ready. We need to be there for them in their time of need.
In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to those they care about. This is Love Letters to Food.
Dear Fried Rice,
We get pitted against each other a lot, so people don’t really know how close we are. You’re the best friend I can’t do without. They see us as two competitors always fighting about who’s superior, but it’s so crazy how people don’t see that all our fighting is just banter. Like when you drag me for dating chicken because no one else can stand my wahala.
Every time I’m down or feeling a bit of self-doubt because one restaurant or caterer didn’t cook me well, you never fail to remind me I’m a bad bitch, that countries all over the world fight about which version of me is the best, and Nigerian households cook me anytime they get the chance. I don’t think I can be in a bad mood for too long when I’m around you because you always know the right thing to say to make me feel better. Even when you’re not physically there, one phone call to you and I’m all good. I couldn’t ask for a better best friend and partner.
You always say all these amazing things about me, but have you met you? You’re sweet, the most exotic type of rice there is, and anybody who disagrees can kiss a burning pot. You’re so full of life — only you has carrots, green peas, spring onions, bell peppers, shrimps and more. That’s why you give people around you life, and that’s why you’re a celebratory meal. You may not be cooked often in Nigerian homes, but that’s because they save you for special occasions. You’re that special.
I’m so glad we’re served together at most events. It has brought us closer than ever because we get to gist and gossip a lot. I love how we notice the same things; all we have to do is look at each other. I always have to hold myself from bursting out in laughter, and that’s what makes events fun for me. Whenever I’m served without you, it’s always boring because there’s no one to gist or make jokes with. All chicken knows how to do is complain that people don’t eat its bone in public. No one understands me like you do.
I can’t imagine what life would be like without you as my best friend. Who’d I complain to when one expensive restaurant adds too much curry to me? Remember the first time you met turkey, and he took you to a bukka for your first date? You thought turkey was one rich protein and that he was going to take you to an exotic fancy restaurant, only for you to end up in a bukka. It was such a hilarious experience.
Thank you for being the best friend any food could ask for, for staying by my side in the good times and bad. I love you, and I look forward to more chaotic times with you.
Trenches food is the cheap food people buy off the streets or roadside restaurants. The people of Twitter go on and on about how it’s the best kind of food out there, and to be honest, I don’t disagree. BUT not all of it is great, and that’s why I’ve decided to rank the top ten trenches foods from “hell no” to “top-tier”.
I’ve never had this, but I bet it tastes as unappealing as it looks. People who say they like this are lying. How can you eat something that looks so bland?
I understand we’re talking about trenches food, but come on now, spaghetti and beans? Why did anybody think this would be a good combination? There’s no way this tastes good because the textures of both meals just don’t go together. The worst is rice, spaghetti and beans. You must be eating for eating sake if you eat that.
What is it with mama put and adding beans anywhere it’s not needed? Is yam and stew not good enough? Eating two heavy meals together can’t be good for anybody.
Agege bread and butter
Just bread and butter? No egg, beans, akara or even stew? It’s giving basic.
The best akara is the kind you buy from the mama down the road from your office at 7 a.m. before work starts. It’s straight out of the fire and goes perfectly with agege bread or pap hot enough to burn your throat. The bread is two days stale, and the pap is the kind they scoop with a big plastic cup.
Whether you have it early in the morning, afternoon or at night, fried yam or potato with pepper sauce will always bang. Take note though, it must be served inside black nylon or newspaper. If they give it to you in a styrofoam plate, it won’t have the sweet trenches taste.
The rice has to come with ofada sauce that has enough pepper in it to make you cry, plenty of meat, two boiled eggs and five fingers of plantain.
White rice, stew and boiled egg
The egg has to be soaked in the stew, and the stew must have enough oil to reduce your life span by eight years. If not, the food won’t slap.
Mai shayi bread and egg
I’m not sure whether it’s the excess oil or how they press the bread in the frying pan after putting the egg in the middle, but mai shayi agege bread and egg sandwich tastes like it dropped from heaven.
Ewa agoyin and agege bread
Nothing beats trenches ewa agoyin. A restaurant opened up and tried to sell it in fancy packaging. That didn’t work out because the trenches is part of ewa agoyin’s sauce. It’s best served in a styrofoam plate with the oil dripping into the black nylon and staining everywhere.
In the spirit of valentine, we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to who they care about. This is Love Letters to Food
Dear Dodo,
I’m thinking about the first time we met as I write this letter. It was the day my life changed.
Before you, very few people liked me. Anytime they heard gizzard, they acted like someone just gave them semo. I was always picked last from a pot of stew, and if I was mistakenly served on a plate, I had to deal with the fear of being pushed aside and ignored. Do you know what it feels like to always expect rejection? Semo does, and only semo should. I was really going through it, and I felt so alone. Then you came into my life.
From the moment we started dating, we were the power couple. Everyone wanted us around; we got invited to so many events and served to all kinds of people.
Now, I’m in places I never would’ve dreamt of. I even get treated more special than small chops, and it’s all because of you. You’re a blessing to not just me but to everyone around you. Your friends — beans, egg and jollof rice — can testify to how much of a blessing you are.
The more they cook and serve us together, the more I fall in love with you. Every moment we spend together is magical. Whether we’re served at a wedding, a 70th birthday, a bridal shower or even a burial, whether we’re alone or served with our friends, as long as I’m with you, that’s all that matters.
In this month of love, I want to say thank you for creating magic with me and making us Gizdodo. It’s so crazy how, despite our opposite textures, we work so well together. We were meant for each other. The only time we fight is when people leave us out to spoil, and that’s because we’re both fighting for our lives. But that rarely even happens.
You’re an incredible partner and soulmate, and I love you more than I can ever express. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you on different plates at more events. I love you from one owambe to the other.
It’s good to be adventurous with food, but Nigerians make some choices that should be considered a jailable crime. These ten things are the worst of them all.
Drinking garri with milk
I need the person who started this crime to explain what they were thinking. In what way is garri and milk a good combination? Is it cereal? (Anyone who just answered yes deserves punishment). The real criminals are those who do it with Ijebu garri.
Eating suya in the afternoon
Check the Nigerian constitution, and you’ll see it written there that suya must be made and eaten at night because “night” is the key ingredient. If you ever eat it in the morning or afternoon, you’re committing a federal crime, and you deserved to be flogged.
Saying Lagos bole is better than PH bole
First of all, this is just complete self-deceit. How can you see PH Bole in all its juicy gloriousness, with the fish, pepper sauce, soft ponmo etc., and say boring Lagos Bole is better? Don’t say it outside, or they’ll lock you up.
Taking cereal with hot water
Only babies are exempted from this because they have to eat soggy nonsense. They don’t have teeth. But as a grown adult without teeth problems, you should be deployed into the Nigerian army to eat corn and garri since you don’t appreciate good food.
Eating swallow with cutlery
Nigeria gained independence from the British in 1960. This means we no longer have to do things the way the colonisers taught us. So please, drop that fork and use your hand to eat that eba. If you don’t, it means you’re a coloniser and we’ll have to lock you up.
People who swallow swallow
If you swallow eba, amala, fufu, pounded yam or any other swallow, without chewing, you’re a cultist or hired assassin and that’s why you should be put in jail. You plus the person who named these foods “swallow” when they’re clearly meant to be chewed. We need a petition to change the name to “chewers”, please.
Eating anything that’s not rice and stew on Sunday
Who do you think you are, trying to break a lifelong tradition of eating rice and stew on a Sunday? Rice and stew was ordained as the traditional meal for Sunday lunch since before our parents were born. If you eat anything else, you’re dishonouring tradition, and the gods will flog you when you’re asleep at night.
As an adult, why are you still using a spoon to eat rice? When you’re not a three-year-old being forced to finish your food before the school bus comes.
Here are 7 valid reasons why you should grow up and switch to a fork today.
To show you’re not greedy
I mean, why are you using a spoon to eat if you’re not a thief? For the same work rate, you might as well use a shovel.
Forks will never disrespect your ancestors the way spoons do. The prongs were designed to let some food fall down for the gods. If your life is not doing okay, it’s because you use a spoon and your ancestors feel neglected.
To show you respect the food
Only people who don’t respect food would eat it fast. Good food should be approximated and chewed slowly to show you love how good it tastes, and you’re willing to be patient.
Because you’re an adult
For God’s sake, why would you rush your food like that? Ever seen a teenage boy heap food with a spoon? Yeah, that’s what you look like.
So the forks don’t get lonely
It’s just human decency to use the fork as much as you use your spoon. You don’t want them feeling left out and disappearing just because. Just be kind, abeg.
To chook anyone who tries to beg for food
Can you protect yourself with a spoon? No, but you can always use a fork to scare off those who don’t let others eat in peace.
It’ll never betray you when you wash it
One thing a fork will never do is spray water all over your body when you try to wash it. Do with that information what you must.
Bukka, Restaurant and Eatery have died. In the afterlife, they go before the god of enjoyment to make a case for why they should go to heaven.
Enjoyment: Angel Chukwudi, who’s going first?
Angel Chukwudi: My Lord, Bukka is going first.
*Bukka comes forward*
*Enjoyment opens a scroll containing everything about the life Bukka lived on earth*
Enjoyment: Bukka, during your time on earth, you:
– Sold food in nylon bags
– Cut meat into tiny pieces and sold each for ₦50
– Gave people running stomach because of unsanitary cooking conditions
– Were always rude and put sweat in people’s foods
– Almost always killed people with heat
Why should I let you into heaven?
Bukka: Oh god of enjoyment, praise be unto thee. As you know, I was solely created to feed the masses, and I believe I did my job very well. I didn’t serve everyone food in nylons; only those who didn’t bring their plates or want to pay for my takeaway packs. Takeaway packs are expensive, so I couldn’t just give them out for free. I needed to make money for my business. About the food poisoning, it’s only people with weak-ass stomachs that got sick. My people on the streets stood strong.
Enjoyment: Ah, Bukka!
Bukka: Yes, my god. It’s true nau. I’m sorry for the unsanitary conditions. Some were out of my control, and others, I should’ve properly taken care of. As for the rude, sweaty servers, ahn ahn, you know it’s part of the ingredients that make the food sweet nau. I wouldn’t be called a Bukka if not for those two major items. And also, I used to give people regular-sized meat before, but when Buhari started showing us shege and the economy became tough, I had to start cutting the meat into two.
Enjoyment: Hmm
Bukka: My god, I saved lives by providing plenty food at cheap prices. No matter how tough the economy became, I didn’t change much. I was there making sure people ate always.
Enjoyment: Okay, I’ve heard you. Move one side. Who’s next?
Angel Chukwudi: Restaurant, my Lord.
*Restaurant walks to Enjoyment’s throne*
Enjoyment:*Reading from his scroll* Restaurant, you committed two major sins that make me want to send you to hell without even hearing you out:
– Charging people ridiculous amounts of money for tiny food that hardly ever tasted nice. How do you put one tablespoon of rice and one teaspoon of sauce and charge ₦20k for it? I shouldn’t allow you into heaven no matter what you say.
– Always wasting people’s time before serving their food. Why did people have to wait 45 minutes for you to cook the tiny portions of food?
Honestly, why should I send you to heaven?
Restaurant: Oh Lord of Enjoyment, I hail thee. My Lord, you know I was created for the high-class people, people rich enough to afford me…
Enjoyment: So high-class people didn’t deserve to eat? They always went back home to eat eba.
Restaurant: They deserved to eat, and that’s why they always had the chance to order more…
Enjoyment: With those prices?
Restaurant: My king, you’re not letting me explain myself.
Enjoyment: Because you were a thief. You made people pay your expensive rent in the name of food.
Restaurant: I was an experience. People didn’t just come to me for food but also for my ambience and aesthetics which allowed people to take beautiful Instagram reels and pictures. I kept influencers and food bloggers in business because they used me to create content. And just like Bukka fed the masses, I fed the rich people. It’s the same thing.
Enjoyment: Sigh. Move to the side. Who’s next?
Angel Bimbo: Eatery, my Lord.
Enjoyment: Where’s Chukwudi?
Angel Bimbo: He went to check why Bistro hasn’t gotten here yet.
Enjoyment: Oh that wasn’t a Bistro. It was just another restaurant calling himself a Bistro. He didn’t even know the meaning of the name.
Angel Bimbo: Thank you for clarifying, my lord. Eatery, you’re next.
*Eatery walks forward*
Enjoyment: Eatery, I don’t think you have to make a case. You did well. You sold decent food and had clean conditions, except when it came to your toilets. You even entertained people with the latest music videos — and sometimes, football matches — round-the-clock. Then, you had mostly nice workers and gave us perfect inventions like Chickwizz. You weren’t bad at all. You’ll make heaven.
Eatery: Oh god of enjoyment, thank you so much. Thank you.
Enjoyment: Bukka and Restaurant, come forward.
Bukka, you did good work on earth by giving my people cheap food. They could come to you with just ₦1k, and they’d eat well. Because of this, I’ll let you into heaven.
Bukka: Thank you so much, my king and god.
Enjoyment: Restaurant, you detty liar. You live a fake life, and I’m not letting you into heaven.
Fine Dining: Ah, god of Enjoyment. Please, don’t do this to me *He starts to cry* Please, hear me out.
