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If you’re familiar with the Nigerian nightlife scene, you’ll know that booze doesn’t come cheap and getting your high comes with having a fat purse.
But who says you can’t create your own happiness at home and get high on a ₦1k budget? If the level of high you’re going for is to walk with your head, here are the best options
Beer
Source: Ripples Nigeria
It’s what you should be gunning for if you have a slim budget. In fact, just two bottles will probably do the job.
Cream liqueur
If you’re trying to go extra bougie with your alcohol, cream liqueur comes in sachets these days. Even Baileys is not just for the rich anymore. It screams sapa but who sapa no hold?
Gin
Source: PenPushing
You can roll your eyes at bus conductors and MC Oluomo’s boys but they know ball. You’ll get more than a sufficient high with sachets of gin.
Rum
Source: Dbani Supermarket
They also come in sachets and midget containers these days. The most you’ll spend is ₦600 and you’ll be higher than a kite if that’s what you’re going for.
Bitters
A truly versatile king. You can afford it on your N1k budget whether you are at home or at a backyard club. Not the big leagues, abeg.
Whiskey
Source:
Is it the Nigerian economy or these guys will try anything to get their coins? Anyway, there’s whisky in sachets now and it’s not as expensive as what they sell in Quilox.
When a random guy on Twitter innocently shared the picture of a body wash he’d been using as body cream, many people thought he was a clout chaser.
But lately, we’ve seen more and more hilarious cases of product packages that have misled customers. Some people have used mosquito repellents as toothpaste (God, abeg) and others fought the urge to consume scented candles. Whether it’s a design or reading problem, makers of these products need to do better.
Scented candles
Source: Lily Frame
I was once close to taking a bit out of a scented candle gift because there just was no way that shit wasn’t edible. It doesn’t help that they now come in edible sounding variants like chocolate truffle, caramel melt, strawberry delight, etc.
Hand sanitizer
Source: Jumia
The makers need to pick a struggle because why does it come in a similar container as your regular hand wash? It also doesn’t help that you’ll find both in most public restrooms now.
Bodywash
I’ve used dove products for over 15years and counting! That tweet just made me go check what I have been using as body cream for over a year now…, low and behold y’all, I screamed when I googled it! 💔 pic.twitter.com/GGfidPbxta
We can blame people for not reading the packaging on products all we want but have you smelled a body wash? The scents and consistency are getting too similar to body cream.
Kids especially have a hard time telling if this is granulated sugar or sea salt, and this is why you need to get it far away from them. It is nowhere near edible.
Ready-made stew
Serious question: who came up with the idea of putting stew in a sachet? That’s a tomato paste thing, and it needs to stay that way. Maybe this confusion is why we’re losing the jollof rice war to Ghana.
Mosquito repellant
The packaging clearly says mosquito repellent, but why does the design scream toothpaste? It doesn’t help that some people keep this in their restrooms.
Inflation is biting our asses hard but I’m one of those people who would argue that things aren’t that bad just yet.
My working theory is that ₦1k still remains a lifesaver as long as you’re a Nigerian living in Nigeria. Anyway, I recently put that theory to test by visiting a grocery store on the mainland with ₦1k in hand. Guess what? I even got change.
Instant noodles
Depending on where you’re buying from, you can still get a small sachet of instant noodles for ₦90-₦150.
Quantity: 2 | Price: ₦130
Hot chocolate
The key here is to always cut your coat according to cloth. Whether it’s a low-end or high-end brand, you can still geta decent cup of hot chocolate.
Quantity: 2 | Price: ₦70
Milk
There was no way I was going to buy chocolate powder without accompanying it with some milk.
Quantity: 2 | Price: ₦60
Mayonnaise
Clearly, we don’t rate ₦1k enough because look at it allowing me the pleasure of a sizeable spread for bread. Haters will say it’s giving sapa sha.
Quantity: 1| Price: ₦65
Cereal
At this point, ₦1k is showing off because who would have imagined that I could actually fit in a budget-cereal in this list? Anyway, what ₦1k cannot do, doesn’t exist (in this situation, abeg.)
Quantity: 1| Price: ₦90
Tomato paste
I still managed to sneak in a sachet of tomato paste. Yes to jollof rice!
Quantity: 1| Price: ₦125
A Snack
I actually need everyone who dumped on ₦1k to come out and fight at this point. I didn’t get your regular biscuit I got McVitie’s. The Nigerian one sha.
Quantity: 2| Price: ₦110
Check out
It was finally time to check out and my grocery looked scanty on the till but who cares? At least I didn’t leave empty-handed.
The seasonal hike in the price of tomato is upon us again, and it wasn’t a nice experience for Muslims who had a lot of heavy cooking to do for the just concluded Eid.
While we hope and pray Jagaban does something about it, these hacks will help you save more while having enough stew in your pot.
Carrots
Source: Guardian
Buy as many carrots as you want — they’re really cheap — clean them properly, slice and blend with some equally cheap rodo. The taste and colour will be the same as your average tomato puree.
Tomato paste
Source: Pricepally
This is the ultimate lifesaver in these trying times. And if you’re worried about retaining the spice in your soup, go for the sachet variants with pepper.
Dried red chilli
Source: Kitchen Butterly
You’ll mostly find traders from the north selling this at your local market. It’s cheaper and a great supplement for a fuller pot of soup. Rehydrate it by soaking in hot water for some minutes before blending.
Cameroon pepper
Source: Safoodnspices
With as little as ₦50 – 100, you’ll get all the spice even the almighty ata rodo can’t bring to the table. Consider these for soups like ogbono and egusi, or when you want to make concoction rice.
Dried rodo and tatashe mix
Source: Kitchenbutterfly
This is an economical option for making stew and all kinds of sauces. But you have to remove the seeds and rehydrate the flesh with water before use.
Sombo or bawa
Source: GidiMart
Also known as cayenne pepper, sombo is a great option for thickening your stew and giving that bright red colour. It’s also cheaper than tatashe.
Barkono
If you’re looking to make grilled turkey, fish or chicken, you must be Dangote’s son. But if for some reason, you still can’t afford tomatoes, this pepper will save you the extra bucks. It’s much cheaper than your regular pepper mix and can be found at your local market.
It’ll be raining sallah meat in a couple of days. It’s not the question of whether you’ll steal but where will you stash your spoil after your successful Sallah meat heist? That’s where we come in.
On the roof
Might sound ridiculous, but we’ve seen a couple of people do it and get away with it. The plot twist here is you have to steal the meat when it’s raw. Douse it in salt to preserve it and stash it on the roof. Just make sure you retrieve it before it starts raining.
Your freezer
Might seem like an obvious spot, but what’s that thing they say about hiding in plain sight? For this to work, you have to get creative with the packaging. So wrap the meat in moi-moi leaves.
Your neighbour’s freezer
Put it in a bowl, cover it up and tell your neighbour Mummy asked you to keep it in their freezer. Since you’ve involved Mummy, no one will suspect a thing or try to play a fast one with your meat.
Inside your shoes
Source: The Home Depot
Who’s interested in your shoe rack on Sallah day? Nobody. Just make sure you wrap each piece with foil and in a nylon to lock the aroma in. Once this is done, slide each piece into a shoe on your rack, and no one will suspect a thing.
Storage bowl for foodstuff
Source: Jumia Nigeria
Skip the garri storage bowl because some people might want to enjoy garri and fried meat. But the yam flour or beans containers? No one is coming for them, and your sallah meat will be completely safe.
Inside your wardrobe
Especially your underwear section. Nobody wants to go through anyone’s underwear — clean or otherwise.
We’ve all had those bad days when our African ancestors forget to whisper in our ears and help us gauge the salt while cooking.
But don’t worry, we’ve checked, and these hacks will make sure your bragging right is intact even after messing shit up in the kitchen.
Dilute with water
What water cannot fix does not exist, and this includes your over-salted meal. Just make sure you go easy with the quantity. You’ll be causing more trouble if you also have to deal with watery soup.
Add acid
Source: Eni stores
That’s right. Ingredients like lemon juice and vinegar have high acidic levels that can cut through the saltiness and distract the tongue. Like water, make sure you add it with caution depending on the quantity of the meal.
Add dairy
This might not work with traditional meals, but if you’re making pasta or rice, for example, a moderate dash of coconut milk or heavy cream will reduce the saltiness.
Rinse and recook
This hack works best if you’ve gone overboard with salt while seasoning protein. Drain the water, rinse and cook again with a more controlled salt measurement.
Potato
Source: LiveScience
If you don’t rate potatoes, you better have a rethink. Just peel a potato, cut it into large pieces, rinse and place inside your over-salted meal. Wait for five to ten minutes then remove them. The potato will absorb the excess salt in your meal.
Recook
This should be the last option to consider when the damage is completely beyond repair. Remember, high consumption of salt isn’t good for your health.
If you’ve ever walked into a Chinese food restaurant, you’ll know that those guys don’t play with their culinary offerings.
They go hard on prices and this is why it’s not exactly ‘money-wise’ to run to a food joint anytime you crave Chinese. We’ve compiled a list of recipes you can make in the comfort of your kitchen.
Chinese Fried Rice
Source: Sisi Jemimah
This is a good start if you’re trying to ease your Nigerian palette into Chinese cuisine. You’ll get the familiar taste of Nigerian fried rice except with some additions like eggs, oyster sauce, etc that come with Chinese.
If you’re familiar with ordering Chinese food, you’ll know that this is a side dish that often comes with fried rice, pasta or even as a standalone. It’s another Chinese food offering that your Nigerian palette won’t struggle with.
This should easily be at the top of your list if you’re looking to experiment with Chinese food at home. You can pair this with white rice, pasta or enjoy it alone. And you’ll have a bigger portion since you’re making it yourself.
If your taste buds love the sweet-and-sour chicken recipe, they’ll thank you more for this one. Where the former has a sour note that complements the sweetness, the orange chicken recipe replaces it with a spicy kick, and you know we Nigerians don’t play with our pepper.
Here’s another dish from Chinese food that can easily take you on a trip to China even if you’re somewhere in Lagos. Although mushroom isn’t a common protein option for Nigerians, it’ll be hard to take a pass if you combine it with chicken.
We’ve got our own version of dumplings from the north called Dan Wake, but this is another discovery for your Nigerian palette. You can choose either chicken or beef for your fillings.
Sallah meat is the most prized procession during the Eid-al-Adha celebration and you’ll be shocked at the lengths people go to juicy, deep-fried pieces of golden brown protein.
So the next time your Muslim friend says there’s no meat or gives you just one piece, you need to appreciate them because they most likely committed ‘armed robbery’ on your behalf.
Gafar*, 29
We used to visit Abeokuta during sallah when my grandpa was alive. In 2014, we’d visited as usual and the house was full of relatives. My grandpa was always strict with the key to his room; that’s where he had his stash of drinks, provisions and all the goodies to last our stay. Of course, the room also houses the fried sallah meat. Because I was among the youngest, he trusted me with the key and didn’t pay as much attention when he wanted me to grab anything for him. With others, he’d either keep a fixed gaze on the room or just find a way to take whatever he needs himself.
With every trip to his room, I picked a piece of meat or two. I kept the meat inside my travelling bag and by the third day, I was satisfied with my stash. The joke was on me sha because I’d hidden it so deep in my bag that there wasn’t space for the meat to ‘breathe’. Even when the general sharing of sallah meat commenced, I didn’t put up a fuss because I knew my stash was more than whatever I’d get. Omo, when we got to Lagos, the meat was covered in mold and maggot. I didn’t throw them away sha.
Hadiza*, 25
My mum used to keep the meat on top of the fridge and I’d use an old newspaper and take as many as possible from the bowl. Every time I passed the by, I’d take some more. I’d wrap the meat inside newspapers first, nylon and then hide it in my wardrobe; usually under my clothes. When my mum is ready to share meat for everybody, I’ll still go and collect more. The pressure on Muslims to share meat is a lot. Too many people to give, not enough meat.
Jelil*, 30
I’m the first grandchild of my maternal grandparents. We were never given ram meat; we only got from the cow. And any Muslim knows that ram meat is sweeter than cow meat. So, during one of the Eid celebrations, we took a trip to my mum’s town in Ikenne, Ijebu. I and my cousins were determined to get ram meat and our target was 10 pieces. While they were frying and everyone was preparing for the evening party, my granny packed the bulk of the meat into her room.
We begged the youngest to follow us so she could give us intel on where granny kept the meat. She returned and told us the meat was inside “eshasun” (a pot), but our granny had the keys to the room in a pouch that she didn’t let go of. Again, we got the youngest cousin to tell grandma that she wanted to sleep; and that was how we gained entry into the room. We took our agreed 10 pieces and even more to drink garri. I’ve been caught before but not on this particular mission.
Kehinde*, 28
I try not to steal meat during sallah but as I got older, I started having more friends who would ask for meat. So I started to take from the big bowls of meat that they’d leave in my mum’s room for safekeeping. I was always so scared of getting caught that I’d only take a little and leave her room. It wasn’t safe to keep in the freezer so I’d wrap them inside an old newspaper and put them in my wardrobe, hoping rats would not finish my clothes. Unlike my sister who takes as much as she wants, I used to steal meat with the fear of God. My mum now locks her room when there’s sallah meat there.
Abbey*, 32
I’ve loved sallah meat since I was a child. I always follow the entire process from my elderly ones shopping for rams from abokis to engaging them in ram fights. I also watched the slaughtering and the process of cooking and frying.
However, as much as I wanted big pieces because of my efforts, I always ended up with tiny chunks of meat. As I got older, I took matters into my hands because it was just unfair to go through all that wahala only to end up with small pieces. Now, I join the women cooking, pretend as if I’m assisting and use the opportunity to steal when they’re not watching.
Now that I kill sallah ram myself, I still fight with my wife over it because I never let her and the people assisting her rest.
Hilda Baci inspired many Nigerians after she embarked on a 100-hour cook-a-thon in an attempt to break a Guinness World Record. And a young Chef Dami from Ekiti took things to another level when she entered a makeshift kitchen to cook for 120 hours straight.
Amid all the backlash and trolling, a Twitter space with journalist Kemi Olunloyo seemed like the right place for Chef D to share her point of view. She cleared the air on her strong connection to her church, organising another 150-hour cook-a-thon, among other things. I attended it so you don’t have to.
Source: Instagram (@dammypas)
Chef D, where are you?
The Twitter space was slated for 8 p.m. on Sunday night (June 18, 2023) but 30 minutes in, Chef D was nowhere to be found. It was strongly giving “I’m not ready for this life”. When she finally came on, she blamed her lateness on Ekiti network.
Chef D’s team comprises the entire Spirit World Global Mission (SWGM)
The speculations about members of Damilola’s team are true. According to the chef, the entire 20-something members of SWGM make up her team.
The church is Chef D’s major sponsor
If you’ve been wondering why Chef D’s cook-a-thon is heavily tied to her church, well, there’s your answer. The church funded her first cook-a-thon.
Chef D made a GWR application a day before the cook-a-thon commenced
An application was made, but here’s the thing, it was a day to the cook-a-thon, and GWR stated that it would take another twelve weeks to get feedback. However, Chef Dami and her team couldn’t wait, considering all the preparation and online promotion.
Chef D said GWR was never part of the plan from the get-go. She was inspired by Baci and only wanted to show that she could cook for 120 hours.
She was never in competition with Hilda
“Competing with Hilda Baci is like a poor person competing with a rich person. I’m just a young girl from a local village and no notable background,” Chef D’s answer to a question about what inspired her cook-a-thon.
Trust Kemi to give some pep talk and help Dami understand why she mustn’t view herself from the lens of “less privileged”.
Is Chef Dami doing another cook-a-thon? Yup
It’s still at the proposal stage, and an application hasn’t been submitted, but you better believe that Chef D is coming back. Here’s what Kemi had to say:
“Maybe you shouldn’t announce it if you haven’t submitted an application to GWR. Why would you announce it? What if somebody wants to do more than that? Have you heard of the girl in Kenya that wants to do 400 hours?”
Chef D is open to actually learning the ropes of being a chef
The cook-a-thon might have earned her a title as a chef, but Chef D has no prior culinary knowledge. She’s, however, open to getting schooled and actually earning the title.
Ogi and akara for dinner
If you don’t rate this Nigerian meal, shame on you. Kemi asked Chef D what she’d prepare for dinner if she had five minutes, and her response: “a simple pap and akara”. Apparently, that’s where the magic is at.
Funds secured
There might’ve been a few audio pledges, but Chef D actually got a whopping ₦1m donation from a fellow Ekiti man based in the UK. She also got an additional ₦50k from Kemi.
Revamp your team
Apparently, Chef D and her team have no knowledge of the over 32 fake social media pages impersonating her and saying nasty things about Hilda Baci. She’s also not running a cooking class, even though a Facebook page says otherwise and is already charging unsuspecting people. Wahala.
Kemi came with more advice for Chef D to ditch the church and get an actual team — a manager, publicist and social media handler.
Kemi hosted a free Twitter Space for Chef D
The space eventually ended minutes to 9 p.m., with Chef D thanking Kemi for offering her platform for free. Apparently, she charges $500 for Twitter spaces.
Most people couldn’t ask questions due to the limited time, but if there’s one gist we got from the whole thing, it’s that an application for a 150-hour cook-a-thon hasn’t been submitted and Chef D actually wants to get proper training. Will meals in the next cook-a-thon be prepared or at least presented better? Will she postpone until she gets proper training? Fingers crossed.
If you recently scrolled through Twitter, you’ve probably seen Nigerians blowing hot after Tinu Erin, a UK-based foodpreneur shared pictures of Oreo puff-puff. How could she?
Anyway, I spoke with Tinu and Oreo puff-puff doesn’t even top the list of her crazy but successful puff-puff experiments.
Your Oreo puff-puff is driving Nigerians crazy at the moment. Why do you think so?
A lot of them haven’t seen or heard of Oreo puff-puff till now.
What inspired the twist?
I like to experiment with cooking. Oreo puff-puff isn’t the craziest thing I’ve done with puff-puff. I’ve also made red velvet puff-puff, coconut puff-puff, kinder Bueno, etc. Lol. Food evolves, and there’s nothing wrong with experimenting once in a while.
I mean, if people can add pepper and onions to puff-puff, why can’t I add Oreos?
Fair point. Do you find regular puff-puff boring?
No, I don’t. I actually have a readymade puff-puff mix line with three flavours. I love puff whether it’s the regular one, chocolate or spicy—I’m here for all of it.
You might have to start a puff-puff fan club.
I’m on it.
Without giving away your full recipe, how does one make Oreo puff-puff?
It’s pretty much the same way you make regular puff-puff. Just before frying your batter, dip your Oreo cookies (or whatever you’re crazy enough to try) in the batter. Scoop it like you would regular puff-puff and make sure the batter covers the whole Oreo, and then fry.
Now I want to try it.
Please do, I promise it’s not that bad. Also, it slaps with ice cream.
I’ll be back with a review. So, if you had to break a Guinness World Record for puff-puff, what will that be?
I think a record I could break would be the number of unique puff-puff flavours I can think up and make.
What’s your hot take on Nigerian finger food?
We make the best finger food, no one can deny that. I feel like we need to experiment more and try new things. I wonder how people will react to my Asun spring rolls and Suya spring rolls.
