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If we can get you drunk with honey, just imagine the endless possibilities with it. Here are eight snacks you need to try with honey for the ultimate sweet tooth experience.
Honey and ice cream
The star of the show. Caramel is a pretty nice topping, but there’s something about the natural taste of honey and vanilla ice cream topped with crushed wafers that just works.
Honey and oatmeal
Pick honey over sugar next time you want to have oatmeal. The trick is to add more water to dissolve the thick honey paste. I promise you’ll never go back to sugar after this.
Honey and pancakes
I don’t get why people bother with syrup when honey exists. It’s much healthier than pancake syrup, so you don’t have to feel guilty pouring it all over your pancakes.
Don’t knock it till you try it Golden Morn and sugar with lots of milk is already a hit and you’ll only contest this if you’re a semo lover. But Golden Morn and honey? That’s something you need to try while snuggled in on rainy nights.
Honey and apples
Peanut butter and apples work as a midnight snack if you’re feeling peckish, but if you’re looking for something sweet, honey and apples are your go-to. And if you now blend that combo with cucumber, you’ll get a really nice smoothie as a breakfast meal.
Honey, Greek yoghurt and chopped fruits
Parfaits are already sweet because of the natural sugar in fruits. But if you’re a sweet tooth like me that wants to pretend to be fitfam and enjoy a sweet snack, add a teaspoon of honey to the yoghurt and thank me later.
Regular salt and sugar popcorn can get pretty boring, so honey-flavoured popcorn has been my new addiction when I go to the cinema. The only place I’ve had one is at Grand Square in Abuja, so maybe try this homemade version?
Honey and puff puff
I don’t rate puff puff, but glaze it with honey and it becomes a 10. Bonus points if it’s chocolate or red velvet puff puff.
The food you eat says a lot about your personality. So do the snacks. Let me tell you what your favourite pastry says about you.
Egg Roll
You don’t like stress at all. You live a very simple life surrounded by work and a few friends. You’re the type who doesn’t tell people where you live because you don’t like people in your house. When people try to make plans with you, you say you’re busy. Meanwhile, all you want to do is stay home and press your phone while watching TV.
Fish Roll
Every time you’re being ratioed on Twitter for saying one foolish thing or the other, you don’t care; you like going viral. You use an iPhone with those bunny ear phone cases. You’re always making mouth and acting tough like you can fight. But when it actually comes down to fighting, you’re nowhere to be found.
Meat Pie
Just like the meat pie, you’re filled with many great talents. There’s nothing you can’t do, and that’s why you’re a hustler. Back in school, you were the one collecting all the awards on prize-giving day. You’re the type to have one thousand and one jobs while complaining about being stressed out, and your social life is almost non-existent. You have a Twitter account with 200 followers you only use once every three months. But you post everything going on in your life on your Whatsapp status.
You’re always saying you’re for the streets. Meanwhile, you catch feelings every two market days. Your timeline is filled with relationship posts, and you stop yourself from commenting “God when” on all of them. All the genders are scum, and you don’t want to chop breakfast, but you’re tired of being the one they give the phone to when it comes to taking couple pictures.
Chicken Pie
You live a soft life. Your motto is “Any money wey I get like this, na enjoyment. No worry about my future.” By the week after payday, your money has finished, and you’re complaining about having just 1k in your account. But somehow, you still find ways to go out and chop life.
Doughnut
You’re a chronic procrastinator. The sexual tension between you and doing things at the last minute is quite strong. You tell your boss, “You’ll get it tomorrow” when you haven’t even started the work. And you’ve been saying you’ll go to the gym for the past six months, but you don’t even remember where your gym clothes are.
Cinnamon Roll
You’re a Nigerian parent. You go to bed at 9 p.m. and wake up at 4 a.m. Amongst your friends, you’re the one always advising everybody and watching out for them. When you all go out, you’re the designated driver who takes care of everyone while they get stupid drunk. To be honest, you’d have preferred to stay at home, video calling your long-distance lover.
Sausage Roll
You plan and organise every second of your life. And once anything doesn’t go according to plan, you start shedding tears. You’re constantly trying to get your friends and colleagues to be organised too, but they always end up frustrating you. You like to budget all your money, and half of it goes to savings and investments. You may be broke now, but you’ll be rich in the future, and that’s all that matters. You look at all your friends spending their money now and shake your head in sadness, thinking about how they’ll beg you when you’re rich.
For decades, Ògógóró, a Nigerian traditional palm spirit, was illicit – despite being popular. Lagos-based entrepreneurs Lola Pedro and Chibu Akukwe have embarked on a mission to restore its legacy, by offering a premium version.
Tatenda Kanengoni, bird story agency
With each tap, drops of palm sap fall onto the dewy foliage in the bush in Sapele, a town in Delta State, Nigeria. The group of harvesters has one mission – to collect as much nectar sap as possible during this bumper harvest. The next crop may not be as bountiful.
“Our palm sap harvest depends on the natural cycle of harmattan and rainy seasons every year. The number of units produced is determined by how bountiful our harvest is,” explains Chibu Akukwe, co-founder of the small batch palm spirit, Pedro’s Premium Ogogoro, from his Lagos base.
The sap is a key ingredient for Akukwe’s product, a 100% organic palm spirit, handcrafted in Nigeria.
The process is as meticulous as it sounds. Every bottle of Pedro’s indicates production batch and quantity. The intentional and conscious approach to the product is rooted in Akukwe’s and co-founder Lola Pedro’s respective journeys, during which they realised that African products are often deemed inferior.
“For us as Africans, we understand things that are quintessentially African, and we also understand luxury, but the two together is rare,” explained Pedro.
Akukwe’s time spent in America highlighted just how rare the concept of “African luxury” actually was.
“While in America, I was not satisfied with the portrayal and perception of Africans among my American friends and the Western society generally,” Akukwe adds.
Akukwe, a financial analyst, and Pedro, who has a background in research and multimedia technology, partnered to identify an African product that would disrupt this narrative, one that was undermined yet fared well enough to be lavish and bring it to market.
“It didn’t necessarily have to be with alcohol, so we looked at many other marginalized things that are quintessentially African. The idea was for us to take a product that is marginalized because it’s African and take it right to the top and have people respect it the way they respect a Mercedes Benz or Louis Vuitton. Alcohol became an easier vehicle for us to express this point because of the logistics and infrastructural constraints,” Pedro narrates.
Ògógóró, a popular local spirit, made the cut.
processing from palmwine
“We were enjoying this palm spirit which we cooked in the bush, and people were taking it for medicinal, enjoyment, ceremonial, and also spiritual purposes, and it was a thriving industry; this was our local spirit, there’s no shortage of palm trees in the tropical part of West Africa,” Pedro explained.
Ògógóró, which is distilled from fermented palm tree juice, has been in existence in Nigeria and different coastal parts of West Africa for decades. Commonly referred to as a ‘local gin,’ Ògógóró was deemed an illicit brew in the colonial era in a move many saw as a way to elevate the competing British gin. Over time, its popularity waned as Nigerians began to consider it as of lower value to imported spirits from the West, which were deemed of superior quality.
In Sapele, in the South region of Nigeria, Ògógóró stillers would traditionally retreat into the bush, where they would make the spirit by first tapping the palm trees to extract the sap, just as it is done now, and then control the intensity of the fires under their pots to control the evaporation and distillation rate. They kept refining their process until they had a smooth brew.
At Pedro’s, they have maintained a similar process where they still tap the palm trees to extract the sap, then place it in a pot on a fire, for evaporation and distillation – although most of this is now done in-house, in controlled circumstances. This also helps to regulate the alcohol percentage to a legalised approved level and allows for more refinement of the final product, which is then carefully packaged.
The bottle’s signature colour is blue and white and the bottle cap design includes a dripping blue paint effect.
In 2018, Pedro and Akukwe consulted with some renowned distillers to produce batch zero of Pedro’s Premium Ogogoro to work as a pilot batch, in a process which entailed repackaging the traditional Ogogoro and serving it in a bold, colorful glass bottle. They released about 1800 bottles to study how the market would receive the product.
“We wanted to know, is Lagos or Nigeria ready for Premium Ogogoro? We wanted to test the waters,” Pedro said.
The market reaction surprised both of them – the pilot batch quickly became a collectable after the first few people had tried the product.
“You had people that laughed, and you also had people that were like, ‘are you kidding? Let me try it’, and you also had people that saw the packaging and were like, ‘okay, I’ll give it a try’,” Pedro recalled.
“Through word of mouth, suddenly we would get a phone call like ‘hey, we heard someone is doing Premium Ogogoro, can we taste it?’ Batch zero was something to marvel at. Some guy is keeping it for his children. You get old people coming and saying, ‘My daughter, you’ve just validated us; I never thought in my lifetime I would see Ogogoro taken to this level; you have made us proud.’
Those things are way beyond me; I feel humbled to be a part of that journey,” she added.
Chibu Akukwe and Lola Pedro
Following the repackaging and positive reviews, Akukwe and Pedro affirmed that it boils down to a game of taste, which defines taste and deems what is fashionable, premium, luxurious, and what is relegated as lower class and low value.
Lagos resident Logo Oluwamuyiwa was one of the early customers of Pedro’s Premium Ogogoro, already affectionately referred to as ‘Pedro’s’.
“I heard about Pedro’s from the founders a few years back; it came up during conversations around design and culturally fluent actions/products. I found it extremely fascinating as an idea at the time and as a finished product of that process over time,” Oluwamuyiwa says.
“Any important life event I have must be celebrated with Pedro’s, and every important person I respect, and I intend to send a gift gets bottles of Pedro’s. This is because they might be having it for the first time, and often, like clockwork, they reach out for more. It’s always fun watching that conversion happen! Pedro’s represents the refinement of what it means to be contemporary and yet connecting to the pulse of what originates from home,” he added.
Four years later, Pedro’s, fully registered and on batch number five, is featured in the menus, bars, and shelves of high-end restaurants, private members’ clubs, and lifestyle concept stores in Lagos and beyond, including Accra, Ghana, as well as a few private members’ clubs in Nairobi, and Johannesburg.
A Michelin star-rated restaurant in London also has Pedro’s on its menu, and Pedro’s will be available in New York City soon.
“Our product is what we call FABA – For Africa, By Africa. We are speaking to ourselves, and we are creating for ourselves. I had to unlearn my own taste. Taste in everything, not just what we ingest,” said Pedro.
The Pedro’s team is small but growing and the core team members are based in Lagos, while the rest of their team members are spread across Africa, Europe, and North America.
The duo also does not rule out moving to other products, continuously pursuing African excellence, with Pedro’s as a conduit.
“We are ultimately creating things; we are adding value, and we are adding value on the continent,” Pedro said.
“We are on a mission to showcase new and exciting possibilities out of Africa to the world. We believe it is important that we tell the African story ourselves and steer away from historical narratives told by others, which are usually inaccurate and negative. We intend to continue developing new and innovative products that exemplify African excellence and push forward a new African narrative on a global scale,” Akuwe concluded.
I never thought one of our biggest stressors as adults would be what to eat. But If you’re like me and hate stress, here are nine kitchen tricks to make life faster and easier — And obviously a banging meal.
Invest in a pressure cooker
I know they’re expensive, but pressure cookers cut your cooking time in half. And I promise it’ll make your kpomo as soft as Iya Sukirat’s own.
Garri thickens soup
If you’re out there making watery banga or white soup, add small garri and it’ll thicken up. Nobody needs to know you made River Nile soup dear.
Fry your eggs on the lowest heat
You know when you fry four eggs and it ends up looking like one gorgeous merger? Yeah, cooking eggs on low heat makes them fuller and fluffier. You sha need patience to wait for the eggs to cook properly. But it’s worth it.
Get rid of excess oil with tissue paper
Put kitchen rolls at the bottom of a sieve to take out the excess oil from your fried plantains, yam or potatoes. It doesn’t change that you’re still eating oily and unhealthy food but you can enjoy it, guilt-free.
Rice cookers can actually cook anything
If you can’t stand the idea of buying so many pots and pans, just get a rice cooker. The really bougie ones come with settings to also grill and make sauces.
If the water in your rice dries up, reduce the heat on the gas cooker and cover the pot with foil paper. Stop adding gallons of water as if it’s tuwon shinkafa you’re making.
Don’t throw your pasta water away
Instead of tossing your pasta water away, leave a little inside to make it easier for the tomato sauce to thicken when it’s added in. Also, because the water is salted, it helps the pasta retain its flavour.
Don’t waste time breaking spaghetti
If you’re still breaking spaghetti in 2022, I don’t even know what to say. First of all, that’s not how the Italians do it and they’re the OGs of pasta. They will actually fight you. Also, trying to break spaghetti always leaves bits of pasta flying around. Just put the spaghetti in the water like that. It’ll soften into place on its own.
Irish potato is one meal that just takes an unnecessary amount of effort to prep. A hack is to leave the skins on and season with black pepper, salt and dried red pepper. It makes it tasty when you fry or grill your potatoes
Blend your tomatoes with yellow, red and green pepper
Jollof rice is one food that can disgrace you, especially when you’re cooking for friends. But a hack I’ve gotten into is blending my tomato and habanero peppers with yellow, red and green peppers. They’re not spicy peppers, but they have a ton of flavour and it’s taken my jollof game from zero to one-hundred.
Add potatoes to salty food
Some of you add salt based on the instructions from your ancestors. And it’s left you eating salty food. Next time, just add some peeled potatoes to the sauce or stew. The starch in them makes it easy to absorb the excess salt.
For someone who was nick-named baby elephant as an overweight kid, I was quite a picky eater. I still am. Getting into a relationship changed a lot for me, particularly with food. And I don’t think we talk enough about how falling in love can change what we’re willing to eat. You find yourself wanting to try their favourite flavour of ice cream, or like me, somehow contemplating why plantain may not suck.
Before you fight me, let me explain. I’ve never enjoyed eating foods like plantain, bread, custard or pap and sweet potatoes. Plantain was too sweet, I only liked the crust of brown bread, hated the lack of texture with custard and pap, and sweet potatoes just don’t need to be sweet. I also liked my food in a specific way if I was going to eat it. For instance, my bread had to be toasted, and specifically, without butter. And if I was going to come close to fried eggs, they needed to have chopped tomatoes and onions to be enjoyable.
I think what stressed my mum out the most was feeding me rice or pasta. I could never eat either if they got soft. Let’s just say I knew pasta needed to be al dente without knowing what it even meant. And when every inch of my white rice wasn’t covered in stew, you were practically wasting your time trying to get me to eat it.
Things got worse when my parents took me along for holiday trips to Cardiff, Wales, in 2000. My father was enrolled as a master’s student at Cardiff University, so I spent quite a bit of time travelling with my mum to visit. I loved the rush of being in the airport, getting on the trains and exploring huge malls. But the food was my least favourite part of our trips. Those memories of exploring cuisine outside eba and ogbono, my favourite soup, became clearer in 2003 when I was five years old.
The first time I was given mashed potatoes and chicken nuggets, I wailed. I didn’t like the idea of eating food that looked pre-chewed. Of course, being abroad hadn’t taken out the Nigerian in my mother, so she force-fed me through the tears. Then, oh, when I tried hamburgers at McDonald’s for the first time? I didn’t understand the concept of eating a thick piece of meat in between dry bread. I also didn’t like the taste of the mayonnaise and ketchup. My dad wasn’t going to let me waste the pounds he’d just spent, so I deconstructed the hamburger and ate only the meat. That was my last time at McDonald’s.
So I wasn’t the most exotic human when it came to food as a kid. My palate didn’t evolve as a teenager. When I was 15 and travelled to Ethiopia for a school trip, I was so adamant about sticking to rice and meat. The most interesting thing I ate off the buffet list was pancakes and sausages.
Ghana was probably the only country where I allowed myself to try new foods. And it was because of the similarities with our cuisine. The difference was how they were paired. For instance, yam and egusi were a thing, and I absolutely loved the taste. I also fell in love with waakye and shito because it was basically rice, beans and pepper sauce when I skipped the garri, spaghetti and egg that’s typically mixed into the waakye.
As I got older, going on dates was very difficult. I didn’t eat pizza because I didn’t like the look of cheese, or shawarma, because of the cream. My go-to snacks were scotch eggs, meat pies or muffins. And at restaurants, if I wasn’t ordering small chops — without the puff puff — as a starter and jollof rice as my main dish, then I’d order chicken and chips. Yes, I was basic.
I was also not the type of girl to take to big events because I’d shamelessly pick at my food or spend the whole evening loading on cocktails and finger foods like samosas. Maybe I wasn’t made for a man with exquisite taste in food.
When I got into my first real relationship at 19, it was with a guy who wanted to try everything. The funny thing was how opposite he was when it came to trying new things outside of food. He preferred a routine and strict pattern, but I was more laid-back and open-minded. Too bad none of my spontaneity translated to food. I was still searching for jollof rice wherever we went.
But my next relationship completely took me out of my comfort zone with food. I met Akinola* at uni when I was 20, but we started dating two years later. He was way more outgoing than I was, so I’d found my match when it came to spontaneity in a relationship.
But when it came to food, we clashed a lot in the first few months of dating. He always wanted to share a plate with me and I couldn’t stand the way he ate his food. For instance, rice. The guy preferred to eat raw onions and tomatoes with his than just plain old white rice and stew or jollof. And unlike me who spread stew across rice or pasta without mixing, he needed to furiously mix the stew in the food — I disliked the sight of it.
I think the hardest experience with Akinola was trying coleslaw for the first time. I never liked the sight of vegetables soaked in cream but the guy made it seem like the next best thing since ogbono. And now, I can’t imagine eating rice without coleslaw.
The most shocking thing I allowed myself to try with Akinola in 2022 was shawarma. The guy couldn’t let go of the fact a human being had never tried shawarma. Heck, it pained him to order shawarma alone when we went out. One day, I just gave into the pressure and tried it.
I think my best experience was trying pasta at his birthday dinner in March. I never understood the Twitter pasta craze — I still don’t — because it doesn’t seem right to douce it in cheese. It took me like 15 minutes to finally pick penne pasta because it was the only option with a tomato base and no cheese. His birthday and our date trying Indian curries at Cilantro in June are memories I’m happy we created rather than my default decision to turn down new food.
Honestly, Akinola has helped me learn to compromise with food a little bit. It’s been nine months of dating, and I’ve crossed so many lines, especially with how I cook. Never in my life did I imagine chopping spring onions and carrots into my chicken pepper soup or dicing up tomatoes in my rice for anybody’s son.
Plantain, sweet potatoes, amala, custard and pap are food boundaries I’m not willing to cross. And a new addition to my list is bread and akara because two dry foods shouldn’t be forced into one. How does it pass your throat without choking?
While I’ve started exploring foods my boyfriend enjoys, I’ve also forced him to fall in love with my go-to meals like fried yam. Eating roadside yam and sausages has even become our favourite pastime. But cooking together has been the best part of exploring our relationship. I wonder what food adventures love may take me next. Maybe I’ll give amala a shot since I’m stuck with a Yoruba man.
In 2021, I lost a lot of weight and my life changed.
I lost 37kg in less than a year, and till now, I can’t believe I did it. I’d been trying to lose weight for the longest time, but I’ve always struggled. Last year was when I actually started to see changes. What worked for me? Consistency with my workouts and intermittent fasting.
But I took intermittent fasting to an extreme level and wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I’d begin eating at 11 a.m. and stop at 4 p.m.; the next time to eat would be the next day at 11. I didn’t want to feel the hunger pangs from having dinner so early, so I would go to bed at 8 p.m.
If I could go back, I’d do things a bit differently because restricting myself that much caused me to start binge-eating in 2022.
2022 has been a tough year for me in terms of my fitness lifestyle. I’ve added significant weight (10kg), struggled with consistency at the gym and been really awful with my diet. Gaining some of the weight back after doing so well the previous year made me really depressed as well.
I didn’t show it, but internally, I was extremely sad and disappointed in myself because I shouldn’t have allowed myself fall that far back. It didn’t help that everyone kept telling me I’d added weight, every five seconds. All this made me start extremely rigid diets that didn’t make the situation better.
I initially blamed my weight loss on work stress and relationship weight. But I knew it was due to my eating habits. I was eating like a child who’d been starved for the longest time and was so happy to see food. I’d enter the kitchen, eat cereal as breakfast, and two slices of bread cause I felt like it.
Then I’d tell myself, “maybe I should eat bread and egg.” That’s how I’d end up eating a full day’s meal in one hour. And it continued like that throughout the day. After eating that much, I hated myself; I felt disgusted to the point where I couldn’t look at my body in the mirror, and I’d call myself all sorts of names.
One thing about me, I would always research. I knew my eating habit wasn’t normal so I had to figure out what the problem was. I researched unhealthy eating habits online and asked questions, but I kept seeing and hearing the same thing: “You just need to eat healthy,” how helpful. One fateful day, I was scrolling through TikTok when I discovered someone who talked about her binge-eating disorder.
I could relate to everything she was saying; it was as if she was me and I was her. I went deeper and discovered her Youtube channel and a book she wrote; I read and watched everything. I’m not sure I have her disorder because I haven’t sought a professional yet, but at least, I feel closer to an answer than I did before.
What I learnt from reading about the binge-eating disorder
I’ve learnt so much from reading about binge-eating disorder, and it has, to an extent, affected my eating habits positively. I’ve learnt that:
Intermittent fasting and other restrictive forms of dieting aren’t good. When we place restrictions on what we can and can’t eat, our brains start creating compulsions and obsessive thoughts. At some point, we cave and it becomes extreme.
Feeling guilty after eating isn’t normal, and it’s one of the first signs of an unhealthy eating habit. If you do this, you’ll be unhappy when you don’t get the desired results and this can lead to bigger problems such as depression and low self-esteem.
Counting calories, consistently obsessing over the scale and cutting out foods, can turn into unhealthy habits. Don’t starve yourself or eat a tiny portion of food just because you ate too much the day before.
Never put yourself under pressure when it comes to weight loss. Don’t say things like, “I need to lose 5kg in one month.” Just focus on your workouts and healthy eating habits. Don’t rush; it’s a marathon, not a race (Sounds cliche but it’s true).
No food is bad food. What’s most important is finding a balance. So please, don’t say you won’t eat that slice of bread because it’s “unhealthy”.
Workout to be fit and strong, not just for weight loss (This is a tough one for me).
Now that I’ve discovered that binge-eating can actually be an eating disorder, I’m thinking of seeking a professional. But I’ve also been doing some ground work on my own, trying to change my eating habits, and so far, it hasn’t been too bad.
I still struggle with binge eating; it’s not something you can just stop immediately, but you can make an effort. I guess this is where professional help comes in. Once in a while, I fall back into my restrictive dieting ways and try to lose a lot of weight in an unhealthy amount of time. Like two weeks ago, when I tried to lose 4kg in two weeks. I wore a dress that was my size at the beginning of the year, and all of a sudden it was tight. This instantly triggered my need to lose weight fast. I felt like I was about to pass out from killing myself at the gym and not eating.
The good thing is I’m learning from my mistakes. Right now, I’m staying away from the scale and just focusing on cardio and weight training, while finding a balance in my diet. Wish me luck.
It’s international beer day it’s the perfect excuse to start drinking before 5 p.m! For those who aren’t fans, II bet you didn’t have a clue. I get it —. I was once among the beer haters, but here are seven ways to get you to finally see the light.
Get into malt first
If you’ve never let yourself try a sip of beer, just know it’s too far off a slightly bitter version of malt. Every brand of beer you’ll try is made from yeast-fermented malt and the taste changes based on the additional ingredients included. But that foam? It’s from the malt.
Flavoured beer should be your bestie
I used to think beer was a pretty flat drink, as it lacked any notes of flavour to me. But flavoured beer got me from thinking that beer was just bitter foamy piss, to something I need to end a long day of capitalism. You can try the grapefruit beer from Star Radler or chocolate beer from Three Philosophers.
Get beers with a spirit base
Alcohol is generally bitter, but spirits give a bit of a kick that makes you want to take another sip. So try options like Desperado’s flavoured tequila beer.
If you really want to love beer, you need to have at least one 30+ friend that understands the power of a few bottles and premium gist after a hard day’s work — preferably a friend that can cover the bill sha because those brands are expensive.
If you’re a coffee head, you’ll get the vibe of cold iced coffee and cream. You can do the same with beer. Top it off with whipped cream to cut back on the bitterness.
Pretend
If you can’t beat them, join them. Gone are the days of drinking Capri Sun and Ribena; act your age and drink beer like your mates.
I don’t drink beer, but I’m surrounded by people that do. And one thing I’ve noticed is that the beer you drink says a lot about the type of person you are. I’ve listed eight different beer brands Nigerians like to drink, and what they each say about their drinkers.
By the way, happy International Beer Day. Buy a big bottle of your favourite beer to celebrate today, and be sure it’s mortuary standard.
Heineken
If you’re drinking Heineken, there’s a high chance you’re a tired Nigerian father. You’re all about comfort. After a whole day of grappling with children wahala, you just want to chill and drink your beer in peace without anybody disturbing you. You prefer to stay in your house and watch TV, instead of going out. Once in a while, you hang out with friends, and that’s your only outing for the month. You no dey do pass yourself.
Budweiser
You think you’re rich and cool, and all your money goes to enjoyment. Any small thing, you’re shouting, “If I broke na my business!” You love to turn up and people can never find you in your house. Sometimes, your friends worry about your liver and they also wonder if your energy comes from cocaine.
Trophy
If you drink Trophy, you’re the firstborn of your family who’s always dealing with family responsibilities. Or you’re a 9–5er who’s always on the verge of quitting their job.
Some people argue that Guiness isn’t beer, but that’s their business. If you’re a Guiness fan, you have your fun moments but also tend to take certain things very seriously, like sports. You like to feel like you’re best in sports; you can’t play any, but you can talk ehn! Somebody can’t even have small football argument with you, because you’ll start getting angry. You don’t have patience and tend to lose your temper fast, you’re always changing it for people left and right.
Orijin
Orijin isn’t a beer but if you say it outside, people will fight you. If you’re not an armed robber or agbero, you’re a babalawo. Period. You like trenches music; I’m sure your favourite artist is Bella Shmurda or Naira Marley. Your legwork dance is the type they do at Oshodi under bridge.
If you’re drinking Goldberg in 2022, you’re definitely a man in his 50s who cheats on his wife. Either that or you’re just someone going through a midlife crisis.
Hero (or Life)
If you drink Hero or Life beer, you’re most likely Igbo, and you enjoy listening to high-life music from Sony Bobo and Oriental Brothers. You like to go to the beer parlour to eat Nkwobi and relax. For you to drink either of these old beers means you don’t like change.
STAR
You’re playful and friendly: the type that walks into a building and is able to talk and blend in anywhere and with everyone. You’re that friend that people complain about for greeting too many people on the road. You also don’t like wahala; you prefer to stay away from anything that’ll cause a fight — the type to leave change with the bus conductor because he’s raising his voice.
Gulder
You’re either 50+ or a 50+ person in the body of a young person. You spend your time thinking and talking about how life used to be better in the past, and how things aren’t the same no more. You don’t joke with your money and when it comes to hustling, you’re number one. They can call upon you to do any work, as long as money is involved.
Imagine your favourite shows and all the food you’ll never get to eat. I’ve compiled some amazing foods from seven shows I bet you were obsessed with at some point.
Willy Wonka’s chocolate
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was a legendary movie and if you haven’t watched it, then at least you must have heard the cool millennials talk about it. Yeah, I’m one of the cool kids and the Willy Wonka Chocolate factory is the Heaven I once wanted to go to when I die. A part of me still hopes that there’s a chance.
Scooby Snacks
Scooby-Doo and Shaggy were the OG foodies of all time. They ate a bunch of food, but the one thing I wished I could jump into the TV to taste was the Scooby snack. Didn’t you also want to know why Shaggy was so crazy about dog treats?
Seeing a talking lion from a mystical closet play a father figure was one of the high points of my childhood. I really want to know what made Edmund Pevensie ready to sell his birthright for white-coated sweets from a white witch.
Direwolf bread from Game of Thrones
There wasn’t much to see about Hot Pie, the baker at the inn. But that bread? How did it make it look so perfect when I can barely draw straight lines with a ruler?
You can’t tell me you watched SpongeBob without wondering what a krabby patty tasted like. It should be everyone’s dream to live in a pineapple under the sea eating burgers made by a cranky crab.
Donkey’s famous waffles from Shrek
Imagine a talking donkey making you fluffy waffles when you’re having a bad day.
Pizza balls from Dr Strange in the Multiverse of Madness
Beyond wanting to hitch a ride to any world where I’m definitely not Nigerian, I’d like to get a taste of the pizza balls America Chavez ate while she was trying to escape impending doom. Clearly, she had misplaced priorities but I would too if I saw tiny cheesy pepperoni pizza balls.
Eggos from Stranger Things
Eggos are basically frozen waffles from the 1980s. And for someone who knew very little about the real world before escaping her psycho father, El has been obsessed with eggos since season one of Stranger Thingsand I need to understand why.
Ask a Lagos woman what she wants to eat and her first answer is “I don’t know” Her next answer is, “… pasta.” I need us to take a break for a bit and try out other meals. Beginning with meals from our beloved Nigeria, I’ve listed eight foods from different tribes across the country below. Try them and your life will never be the same.
Ekpang Nkukwo
Ekpang Nkukwo is cocoyam porridge, and it’s one of the traditional meals of the Akwa Ibom and Cross River State people. It’s made with freshly grated cocoyams wrapped in tender cocoyam or ugu leaves. It’s a meal that can be very stressful and time-consuming to make yourself. So take advantage of your next lunch/dinner and order ekpang, instead of ordering pasta for the third night in a row.
Gbanunu soup
Gbanunu soup is a traditional soup from Ondo state. There are no words to describe how delicious this soup is. As I’m thinking about it, I’m looking for where I can order a plate today. Eat gbanunu with pounded yam or pupuru (cassava flour) which tastes just as good as any other swallow out there.
Ji mmiri oku
You’re ordering pasta when there’s hot, sweet yam pepper soup? Ji Mmiri Oku is a traditional meal of the Igbo people, and it tastes amazing — Yam pepper soup that’ll take you to a different realm entirely. Eat it on a rainy, cold day and experience it hit you differently.
An interesting fact: in Igbo land, this is usually the first dish given to a woman immediately after childbirth. It’s mostly prepared by her mother, who comes to take care of her for the first few months after childbirth (Omugwo).
Abanga is unripe plantain pottage. A traditional dish of the people of Brass and Nembe in Bayelsa state. Eat it with palm oil and pepper soup with an assortment of seafood inside, if you want maximum enjoyment.
Miyan taushe soup
Food from northern Nigeria is not as appreciated as it should be, and we need to change that because they taste great. Miyan Taushe (pumpkin soup) is one I wish I could eat as often as possible. There’s just something about the flavours in the soup that makes it taste as great as it does. It may have something to do with the combination of pumpkin and groundnut. The soup can be eaten with tuwo (rice fufu) or any other type of swallow.
Ukang ukom
Another plantain porridge meal, but Efik edition. If you ever go to a Calabar wedding, you’d find this meal being served there. It’s how Lagos people see Amala; a ceremony isn’t complete without Ukang Ukom on the menu. This shows you how special this food is and why more people need to eat it. I encourage (read as: order) you to enter a Calabar restaurant today and order this. Stop looking at the creamy pasta on that restaurant’s menu that will most likely only come with only two tiny pieces of chicken.
My first experience with afia efere (white soup) was when I visited a friend’s house and found her eating it. It’s a soup popular with the Efik people. Since that day, I haven’t looked back. Eat afia efere today and neither will you.
Ofe Onugbu
This is a very popular Igbo soup made from bitter leaf and cocoyam paste. It’s so interesting how something so delicious comes from something so bitter. I recommend this soup to anyone and everyone. To enjoy it well, eat it with very hot eba.