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Chopist | Page 12 of 52 | Zikoko!
  • Is This What You People Were Eating in Boarding School?

    Is This What You People Were Eating in Boarding School?

    I didn’t go to a boarding house for secondary school, so I have no idea what the eating situation there is like. But I’m constantly hearing stories about terrible school food and the weirdest combinations students are made to eat. 

    I’ve been intrigued about this for the longest time. Today, I finally decided to ask young Nigerians about the most bizarre things they ate in boarding school. Their answers will terrify you. 

    “We mixed egusi soup and beans because we were late for lunch”

    —  Emeka*,19

     On this particular day, eba and egusi soup was served for lunch. Unfortunately, my friends and I couldn’t make it to the lunch room on time, and all the eba had finished. We collected the soup, and some girl in the lunch room said she had leftover beans from breakfast. Because hunger was killing us, we took it and mixed it with the egusi. We created a space in the middle of the beans and poured the soup, and that’s how we ate it. The soup was so watery, some ate it like beans and garri. They’d take one spoon of beans, then drink the egusi.

    Another time, we had Jollof garri. This was made by cooking raw garri, palm oil, crayfish, onions and pepper, in a pot with no water. I still eat it to this day. The only problem is the severe constipation you’ll face much later. 

    “I drank garri with sardine inside”

    —  Abiola*, 21

    School food always tasted terrible, and we would do anything not to eat it. This meant we had to rely on our provisions whenever we were hungry. Once our provisions and money for snacks finished, we had to come up with ways to combine foods so we won’t die of starvation. 

    A lot of the weird things we ate revolved around eba. There was “ebansa”:eba and sardine, “ebange”: eba and geisha and “ebanspice”: eba with Maggi, salt, pepper and a little water. But it all started with “ebanketch”, which is eba and ketchup. 

    I remember a time we stole scent leaves from someone’s farm, washed and cut it, put it in a plate of water, and added salt, Maggi and pepper. We ate it with eba. When the eba finished, we ate the rest of the “soup” with Cabin biscuit. We spent the rest of the day going back and forth to the toilet. It was epic. 

    We also tried beans and pineapple, bread and palm oil, boiled egg with pepper, salt and Maggi. Sometimes, I drank garri with sardine inside.  

    ALSO READ: 9 Life Hacks From Boarding House That Helped Us Survive in Nigeria

    “We ate termites and raw corn” 

    — Ogochukwu*, 21

    Termites were a special delicacy for students in my boarding school. 

    We’d catch them by putting bowls of water underneath the lights they were swarming around, before going for prep at 7 p.m. When we came back at 10 p.m., there would be a lot of termites in the bowl. For the next two hours, we would sit and stick long broomsticks through them and wrap in newspapers. In the morning, after breakfast, we’d head to the kitchen and roast them over coal, garnished with salt and pepper. We ate the termites while drinking garri. 

    We also ate raw corn. My school was a federal government college, so there were many farms owned by staff and people who rented land around it. We were prohibited from going to the farms, but we always snuck in to steal corn. We’d try to roast it at night over the coal iron in our room, but the smell always spread immediately, so we couldn’t roast for more than five minutes. This meant we always ended up eating it raw, but the corn was very milky and juicy, so we didn’t mind. I’m sure this contributed to my appendicitis a few months after graduating.

    “Fasting made me eat eba and beans” 

    — Fatimah*, 20 

    During Ramadan, we ate beans and eba for Iftar in the evening. Due to the fasting, we had to combine our afternoon meal(beans) and evening meal (eba and soup). It actually tasted nice. There was also this meal called “fetch”, which was basically eba mixed with sardine or geisha. We ate it like eba and soup. It was very disgusting, but we ate it almost every weekend because we had no choice; the school food was awful.

    “We made our sandwiches with groundnut, milo and milk”

    — Ismaila*,23

    On Sundays, our school served us bread, butter, Milo and milk for breakfast. And my friends would make a sandwich out of all the ingredients, including Milo and milk, then add sardine. Jollof rice with boiled eggs and fruits was served for lunch one particular day. I’d kept my breakfast till after lunch because I wanted to add the boiled eggs and groundnuts to my sandwich. So it became a sardine, butter, milk, Milo, groundnut and boiled egg sandwich. I loved it. 

    ALSO READ: 10 Nigerians Talk About Traumatic Experiences They Faced In Boarding School

    “We created our own cereal by mixing cornflakes, garri and sardine”

    — Itohan, 21

    We mixed cornflakes with garri, sardine and pepper. It was a delicacy we ate once in a while, usually on Saturdays. Some of my roommates would do just garri or cornflakes, but I liked to do both. And it had to be Nasco because it tasted better than any other cereal. Everything about the combination was elite; the crunch, the flavour, the pepper… they mixed well to make such a delicious meal. I still eat it at home once in a while. 

    “One of the best things we had was Milo candy”

    —  Kai, 22

    Back in school, we mixed ground cabin biscuits with butter, milk and sugar. If we had money, we’d also add chocolates. It tasted amazing, much better than school food. We also did this thing where we’d put Milo in sheets of paper and place it under our mattresses for at least a day. The next day, it would be really hard like candy. We loved it so much because we didn’t have access to candy or anything sweet in our school, except when people’s parents visited. We also mixed Tasty Time and Nutri C to make soda during hostel parties. It tasted great back then, but it’s not something I’d drink now. 


    ALSO READ: Ranked! Boarding House Meals

  • 8 Meals Nigerian Mums Should Feed Their Babies

    8 Meals Nigerian Mums Should Feed Their Babies

    In this Nigerian economy, I can’t understand how and why mothers are feeding their babies Cerelac. First, it’s expensive (if you can afford Cerelac, you’re part of the rich we should be eating). Secondly, with the type of energy babies expend, there’s no way a mix of wheat and milk is enough for them. They need to eat proper food like the ones I’ve listed below. 

    Akara and Bread

    Image source: Maryam’s Nitty Wall

    Only feed this to them on Saturday mornings. So they know it’s part of a routine. It’ll even be better if you give them a few chores to do before they eat. That way, they’ll learn about delayed gratification and reward for hard work. 

    Jollof rice 

    Image source: Premium times 

    If there’s one significant meal babies must eat, it’s Jollof rice, the meal that brings Nigerians together across all tribes. It’s a part of our traditional and pop culture. Feeding them white man’s food (Cerelac) is almost disrespectful when they’ve not had Nigeria’s staple. Also, they need context to properly fight the Jollof wars when speaking to their baby friends from other African countries. 

    Amala, ewedu and gbegiri 

    We’ve been blessed with an elite meal, amala, and I don’t see why babies should be deprived of such a blessing. Also, how else will they understand the jaiye lifestyle if they’re not eating one of the significant Nigerian party foods?

    ALSO READ:  I Liked Eating These Meals as a Child, But Now I Hate Them

    Rice and stew 

    Image source: Spark Recipes

    This is to remind them that there’ll always be rice at home. Let them get used to the taste of what that feels like. So when they tell you they want to eat burger, and you say, “there’s rice at home”, they won’t give you an attitude. 

    Beans 

    Image source: Bella Naija

    Do you not want your babies to grow? So feed them what their body needs. But let it be ewa agoyin with fried plantain and two ponmo because that’s the complete package. You can blend the ponmo if you want. 

    Akpu 

    Image source: Cookpad

    Akpu is to teach them that life can be hard sometimes. If you’ve eaten akpu before, you’ll know what I’m talking about. From the name alone, you can already tell how hard the food is. 

    Isi ewu 

    This teaches them that they’ll always be the head and not the tail in life. And it’s also sort of a prayer that they’ll be G.O.A.Ts in whatever they do. 

    Creamy pasta 

    Image source: No spoon necessary

    Babies need to eat creamy pasta to be bad bitches when they grow up. The type who goes to Ilashe beach on weekends and knows how to enjoy life. 

    Semo

    Image source: Cookpad 

    Only feed them this meal once. So they’ll know to avoid it for the rest of their lives. Nobody deserves to eat semo, not even crackheads babies. 


    ALSO READ: Nigerian Women Need to Leave Pasta Alone and Try Out These 8 Other Meals

  • Wait, Who Invented Chapman?

    Wait, Who Invented Chapman?

    I resumed work yesterday after shaking my ass on a yacht a two-week holiday in Dubai. And the first thing that came to me was… chapman. Maybe I’m not ready to return to work. 

    But as life will have it, it turns out, there’s actually a fascinating history around chapman. I’m about to give y’all a history lesson no one asked for. 

    I used to think chapman was one of those drinks created abroad that Nigerians started making here. It turns out, chapman was actually created in Nigeria by a Nigerian. 

    It’s been up for debate about who invented this mocktail. Legend has it that chapman was created at the Ikoyi Club in Lagos, Nigeria, by a bartender who was requested to mix something special for a British client named Chapman. After doing serious research, it turns out this is false.

    Who actually invented chapman? 

    The Ikoyi Club was not where chapman was created, nor was it created for a Mr Chapman. It was invented by Mr Sam Alamutu, a renowned professional hotelier who, at one point, was referred to as the doyen of Nigeria’s hospitality sector.

    Sam Alamutu was a well-known professional Hotelier. He was among the few young Nigerians to be offered a scholarship to study in the UK, where he studied catering and hotel management at the Huddersfield Polytechnic, Yorkshire, from 1955 to 1958.

    He later became the director of the Nigeria Tourist Board and the first national President of the Nigeria Hotel and Catering Institute. 

    He spent most of his time in top Nigerian hotels and was the director of a few of them: The Lagos Hotel, Hill Station Hotel, Jos, Western Hotel and Cross River Hotel Limited.

    Image source: Kiki Foodies

    How did Chapman come about? 

    The creation of chapman is a story of love. Mr Alamutu was a man who loved to attend social events, where he’d drink the finest of wines or champagne. He’d usually attend these events with his wife who didn’t drink alcohol. It bothered him because he thought the love of his life deserved better than soft drinks, so he decided to create something more exotic that she could drink at events, especially those hosted by him. He experimented with different beverages and eventually came up with a mix of lemon and orange with a dash of Angostura bitters. She loved it. 

    ALSO READ: We Ranked Local Nigerian Drinks

    With the positive feedback he had received, he went one step further and added cucumber, a lemon slice, and a cherry on a toothpick; this is how the renowned cocktail came to be.

    The reason it’s associated with Ikoyi, it’s because one of the first places Mr Alamutu created the mocktail for public consumption was at the Ikoy Hotel, Lagos. Due to his influence in the hospitality industry, he was able to take the drink across different hotels in Nigeria. Because of its unique taste, more bars and hotels continued to adapt the recipe, and now chapman has become one of the most popular drinks this side of the world. 

    Give Mr Alamutu his flowers.


    ALSO READ: 7 Delightful Nigerian Drinks That Will Make You Thirsty

  • 7 Comfort Foods You Can Eat After They Serve You Breakfast

    7 Comfort Foods You Can Eat After They Serve You Breakfast

    We all cope with breakfast differently. Some people find God and become more prayerful, while others start to stress-eat. We’re all for dealing with it in the way you can, and food will never break your heart. So, here’s a list of foods you can eat after they serve you breakfast.

    Akara

    Think about it: you’ll buy beans (in this economy), soak it, peel it, and you’ll still not be halfway through the whole process of making it. By the time you’re done, the breakfast they served you will be the last thing on your mind. Stress eating, you say?

    After They Serve You Breakfast

    Ice cream

    You want something cold and sweet to calm you down as you remember the old times when your mumu was too much.

    After They Serve You Breakfast

    Cold beans

    We told you not to catch feelings but you didn’t listen, and now you’re eating cold beans at 2 a.m. because you’ve used all your energy to cry. Keep eating, dear. There’s light at the end of the tunnel.

    After They Serve You Breakfast

    Strong Ponmo

    Take out all your anger by chomping on a few pieces of strong ponmo and you’ll be feeling better in no time. This could even pass as working out.


    RELATED: What Your Favourite Soup Says About Your Sex Life


    Fufu

    If you think you still want to fight for your love, you’ll need energy. That’s why you should buy fufu and eat — cold fufu to be precise. You’ll likely fall asleep but when you wake up, you’ll be waking up with renewed energy ready to fight for your love.

    eat After They Serve You Breakfast

    Your feelings

    Yes, you’ve been served breakfast my dear, and they’re not coming back. Now is the time for wickedness. Eat your feelings and swallow them. You’ll need to work on yourself and get back to the streets.

    eat your feelings After They Serve You Breakfast

    Jollof rice and chicken

    This one is for when you’ve gotten over the breakfast and are now looking to properly enter the streets. You need to be very well-fed because you need the energy to withstand all the shege you’re about to see.


    NEXT READ: For Actual Snail Lovers: 7 Tricks to Get Cheap Snail in an Expensive Economy


  • For Actual Snail Lovers: 7 Tricks to Get Cheap Snail in an Expensive Economy

    For Actual Snail Lovers: 7 Tricks to Get Cheap Snail in an Expensive Economy

    The Big Brother Naija Season 7 host, Ebuka Obi-Uchendu, tweeted a very valid question asking how people are still eating snails in this economy. And we’re here to tell you exactly how to eat snails without breaking the bank.

    Pepper is expensive, bring your own

    To enjoy the rich and moist flavours of snail, you need to pair it with pepper sauce; it’s best served hot and spicey. So bring the pepper from your house and maybe the chef will reduce the price. But I can’t say eating them raw doesn’t bang as well.

    Start catching them yourself

    If you think the price of snails is too much, you need to start catching your own. You and the chef will have a feast because who doesn’t want free snails? So the more of them you find, the merrier.

    Ask them to serve you with the shell

    You know cracking off the shell of a snail is not like breaking open an egg, right? It’s time-consuming and you’ll almost always end up with a cut from trying to get it off. I’d say the solution is for restaurants to start serving the snails with their shells on. You can’t deny that there’s some appeal to the stress of finally stripping off a hard shell.

    Quit your job and become a snail farmer

    Snails are easier to find during the rainy season, so restaurants charge that much because they’re seasonal. So what you can do is quit your job and become a snail farmer. Harvest as many as you can and start a supply chain. 

    Find a 30+ man that loves local bars and beer

    Snails are expensive because 30+ men love to order them with beer while watching football at their local bars. So to find cheap snails, I’ll advise you to start going to local bars and attach yourself to 30+ snail lovers. Avoid Manchester United fans sha, they don’t have any joy.

    RELATED: 8 Things That Taste Better When They’re Free

    Offer to help the chef clean it

    Another stressful step to prepping snails is getting rid of that sliminess. You can offer your expertise to local restaurants and offer to clean them. Preferably after they’ve at least been steamed.

    Just make more money

    Snail is not a local champion and probably deserves the hype it’s getting. In France, they’re called escargots and 6 – 12 pieces can cost between $15 – $50 (₦6k – ₦21k). So as you can see, snail is a world-class dish and not for the poor. 

    If you read this article with any other thing in mind, I’ll advise you to check yourself.

    ALSO READ: The Chopists Guide To Getting Free Food

  • I Wish These 17 Foods From Animations Existed in Real Life

    I Wish These 17 Foods From Animations Existed in Real Life

    I have no idea why food seems more appealing when animated, but if you’re like me, you’ve wanted to try almost every food you’ve seen in animations. I’m convinced that the real-life replica doesn’t taste as good as they make it seem but we’ll take what we can get. From the tubby custard in Teletubbies to everything from Spirited Away, here are 17 cartoon foods I wish existed in real life. 

     Everything in Spirited Away

    I remember watching the scene where Chihiro’s parents saw all that food that didn’t belong to them and just started eating. All the while, I was  thinking, “God forbid, but also, same.” It’s impossible to watch this movie and not be hungry. Why did everything have to look so good, though?


    RELATED:  10 Popular Studio Ghibli Animes, Ranked 


    Krabby patty from SpongeBob SquarePants 

    Have you ever sat down to eat a burger, and your brain tells you it’ll never come close to a Krabby patty? Because this is me all the time. Those fish people in bikini bottoms could sell their kids to buy this burger, and I too might sell my siblings. I don’t want to hear anything about how the secret formula is Mr Crabs meat; please, I’ll still eat it. 

    Pink doughnut from The Simpsons 

    There’s just something about how Homer eats this doughnut up in one bite that assures me it slaps. Why hasn’t someone tried to recreate it yet? I’m sure it’s full of sugar, so I’m willing to risk my life to try this. 

     All the bugs in Lion King

    Don’t lie; we’ve all wanted to try them at a point. The bugs kind of looked like gummy worms even. What if bugs don’t taste so bad, ya know? I feel like Simba would never lead us astray because that’s not very king-like behaviour. Timon said they tasted like chicken, so we can’t beat it till we’ve tried it. 

    Sleeping Beauty‘s sad-looking cake 

    You know how people always say, “All the best people are broken”? That’s precisely my sentiment with this cake. You just know that it tastes like love. No, I will not be explaining further. Plus, it was baked by fairies, so it’ll have to taste like magic.

    Ramen in Ponyo 

    Every time it rains, I start craving noodles, and I blame Ponyo. Because no matter what I cook, it’ll never look like this perfect bowl of ramen. And with the way the kids ate it, you just know it slapped. Look at that broth! Life is not fair to people who aren’t animated.

    Bowl of ramen in Naruto

    In this life, there is mai shai, and there is ramen from Ichiraku ramen shop that  Teuchi made. My biggest flaw in life was coming as a human being instead of an animated character that exists in every universe. Just look at this perfect bowl of ramen. I’m jealous. 

     Winnie the Pooh‘s golden Hunny

    I don’t even like honey, but the one in Winnie the Pooh looked like liquid gold. Why’s it so thick? How can anyone eat honey for every meal? This bear carried a jar everywhere because of how great it tastes, I’m sure. He should release the names of the bees he gets it from, in two days, or we riot. 

     Pizza in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 

    Why does no one make pizza that’ll rival the ones these green reptiles eat? Why does real life cheese never look that good? Why’s our pizza never as soft? Why isn’t the pizza they eat real? I, too, would make liking pizza my entire personality if it tasted and looked half as good as the ones on this TV show.

    Shaggy’s sandwiches from Scooby-Doo

    Shaggy might have been a lot of things, but he’d always create a masterpiece of a sandwich. It’s how he always tries to eat a full sandwich in one go for me. How good can a sandwich taste that you’d want to tear your mouth to eat it? No sandwich will ever come close to Shaggy’s sandwich, and that’s the problem with real life. 

     Bugs Bunny’s crunchy carrot from Looney Tunes

    Does he plant it himself? Does he use special manure? Because real life carrots can’t taste that good, and the only time they actually taste nice is in carrot cake. Still, I want to try his carrot sha. Maybe It’ll give me all the energy this bunny uses to be a menace because I need it.


    RELATED: QUIZ: You Can’t Call Yourself a Lover of Animations if You Don’t Get Up to 15/30 on This Quiz


    Every single thing that Other Mother makes in Coraline

    See, the titular character, Coraline, is not a serious person. So what if they removed her eyes? So, what if the Other Mother was a witch that wanted her soul? Wasn’t it a better offer than living with neglectful parents? Can’t believe that babe didn’t trade her soul for junk and button eyes.  It could never be me — bad decisions all the way!

    The iconic plate of spaghettI from Lady and the Tramp

    Spaghetti and meatballs piqued when Lady and Tramp had the most romantic diner in the history of romantic dinners. I specifically want to eat the spaghetti for that moment where someone’s child and I are both sucking on the same spaghetti strand from opposite ends and meet in the middle. What is love without sharing food, after all?

     Ratatouille from Ratatouille 

    Growing older and realising that ratatouille is just a bunch of vegetables stacked on top of each other should make it unappealing, but no, I still want to try it. Maybe not the one cooked by a rat — I don’t care how good Remy is at cooking, rats are unsanitary. But I’d like to eat food that transports me to someone else’s good memory. 

    Special sentient sandwich from Adventure Time

    If you think about it, it’s not like the sandwich itself was sentient — just the ingredients. It had no feelings but I’m not going to defend myself for wanting to eat it. BMO’s cooking instructions might have added to the craving for this sandwich but let’s not talk about that. So many meals from Adventure Time, but this is the one I’ll sell my left kidney to taste. 

    This bug thing from The Emperor’s New Groove

    See, you can’t even judge me because why does it look so good? If you people know anywhere they sell this, better link me up. I’m counting on you. 

    Bonus: Jawbreakers from Ed, Edd n Eddy

    This is technically not food, but you’re a liar and a dirty bitch if you didn’t want the specific jawbreaker from Ed, Edd and Eddy. Because after begging my mum for years, she bought it for me from a supermarket. It did not hit because it wasn’t as big as the one from the show mtceww. 


    READ ALSO: You’re a Dead Guy if You Didn’t Watch These 10 Animated Films Growing Up

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • What Your Favourite Soup Says About Your Sex Life

    What Your Favourite Soup Says About Your Sex Life

    Everyone knows you’re what you eat. This is why we can tell the state of your sex life from your soup preference.

    Egusi 

    Egusi goes with everything, and so do you. As king of the streets, your goal is a fun time, not a long time. Because of how funny and social you are, people are easily attracted to you. You’re also a big ashawo, who gets bored very quickly. That’s why you always end up in love triangles and situationships. 

    Something for you: The Ultimate Streets Starter Pack 


    Ogbono soup 

    Depending on the partner you’re with, you could be a sweet angel or a devil in the sheets. You’re a very passionate lover because you always listen to your partner’s needs and look up ways to spice up your sex life. 

    Pepper soup 

    Come on, do we even have to say it? You like whips, chains, plugs, whatever it is. You’re always down to try new things — the wilder, the better. And even though you try to deny it, you’re only in that toxic relationship because the sex bangs. 


    Efo riro

    You like to stand out. You’re super sexy and an easy 10/10. And because you’re so attractive, you’re often sexualised, which is super stressful cause now you can’t even tell who’s genuine and who just wants knacks. 

    This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is G-wNcxz2IwA9QCcgcu3uqtd4iy0NKSrUNKqoIY-dawVOSucOF1qQ2PQqhbYHhWmM6asFwoa2NtoYuZy45l9SFpTZzCL0flovbF7fDxbq9P0G1GZyLPR9rb0uDipWXdPBd9ALs2JYYleNiw9nA-YVWNE

    Oha 

    The problem is not that you don’t have game; you just don’t have the time or energy to chase anybody. So you have a few “friends” somewhere whom you call whenever you’re feeling horny. 

    Okro

    One minute you’re the bestie; next minute, you’re lying naked together in bed. You’ve been a sneaky link too many times to count. We just worry that your main partner may drag you on the internet soon. 

    Ewedu 

    We’re not saying you’re boring in bed; you just barely have any personality. You refuse to explore new or exciting stuff, have one partner and only enjoy vanilla sex. Okay, maybe, you’re a little boring, but at least you’re not bitterleaf soup.

    Bitterleaf soup

    Sex where? You’re on your own, no partner, no sex, no nothing. On cold nights, you turn to your Twitter because that’s all the action you can get. 


    Since you’re already here, you should take this quiz and we’ll give you a nickname in bed

  • If Your Jollof Rice Game Isn’t 100 Yet, These 8 Hacks Will Help Your Life

    If Your Jollof Rice Game Isn’t 100 Yet, These 8 Hacks Will Help Your Life

    As a full-grown adult, how are you still making soggy, tasteless or half-done jollof rice? Your ancestors would be ashamed, dear. Here are eight hacks to elevate that semi-white rice you’ve been cooking.

    Measure things out

    I know we talk about adding ingredients as the spirit leads, but jollof rice is nobody’s mate. You can see people like Sisi Yemi measuring the ratio of tomatoes to pepper, and you’re there forming chef. Better click any of these jollof rice videos and pick a recipe.

    Try crayfish

    Crayfish is an underrated ingredient that more people need to try. Add crayfish to anything and get an instant earthy taste that takes you back to eating jollof rice in the village — maybe it’s the Igbo babe in me talking. But crayfish will save your jollof rice when all hope is lost.

    RELATED: 9 Types Of Jollof Rice That Slap

    Add green, yellow and red peppers

    With jollof rice, you have to find what works for you. One hack I’ve found is to add green, yellow and red peppers to my tomato and pepper mix. Compared to ata rodo, they aren’t as spicey, and they help tone down the tangy taste of tomatoes. 

    Add stock to your tomato and pepper blend

    Blend your ingredients with meat stock rather than water. Less water allows more flavour from the ingredients to come through; stop drowning all the flavour in water. Also, add some ground garlic and ginger if that’s your jam.

    Cover the pot with foil to soften your rice

    Please, stop pouring water every time you open the pot. Lower the heat, cover the bottom of the lid with foil paper to trap the steam and the rice will get soft. Think of it like making moi-moi, the steam is what actually cooks it. 

    RELATED: Flaming Hot Heaven: An Illustrated History Of Jollof Rice

    Use the same oil to fry everything

    How much flavour gets into it is what separates basic jollof from party jollof. Next time, fry your meat first, then use the oil to caramelise your onions and fry your pepper mix. This important process forces the spices from your meat and onions into the oil and makes the rice taste better.

    Add charcoal

    Yes, dear. We know the charcoal taste from firewood bangs, but who has the energy? I tried this hack that made my jollof rice come close to the taste, so you’re welcome. Just wrap one charcoal in foil paper and put it in when the rice is almost ready. If you don’t know where to find charcoal, sorry.

    Just buy the rice

    The reality may be that making jollof rice is not your thing. Order from Iya Sukirat and rest.

    ALSO READ: “I Pay ₤60 to Eat Jollof Rice in Germany” — 9 Nigerians in Diaspora Talk About Nigerian Foods They Miss

  • All the Many Different Ways You Can Get Free Food in This Economy

    All the Many Different Ways You Can Get Free Food in This Economy

    I wanted to buy bread yesterday, and the store attendant told me it was ₦800 per loaf. ₦800 for bread? Help me o, this economy dey carry me where I no know. 

    Everything is so expensive now that people are struggling to eat. And this is why I’ve come to tell you about the different ways you can acquire free food in this trenches economy. 

    Become a beggar 

    If nobody gives you food, at least they’ll give you money that you can use to buy food. Why do you think there are many beggars in this country? Not all of them are homeless poor people. Some of them are middle-class people hustling for free food. 

    Attend church events 

    Church events always have food, especially Anglican churches during Harvest season. If you’re in Lagos, attend a church event on the island, and you’ll think you’re at an owambe. 

    Lie that you’re sick

    Let your Nigerian family members or even friends hear that you’re sick. The first thing they do is buy you malaria drugs, then later stuff you with food. Whatever it is that you want, they’ll give you. Just do small shakara like you don’t want to eat. 

    ALSO READ: A Post for Nigerians Who Love Food, by Nigerians Who Love Food

    Become a newcomer in every church

    Churches are always very excited to welcome newcomers. Whether it’s jollof rice and chicken they give or just meat pie and coke, you’ll sha get food. Although there are churches that give notepads and pens, so good luck. 

    Get a job at a restaurant

    There’ll almost always be leftover food to take home and eat. Especially if you work at a fast food restaurant. It may not necessarily be the food you like, but you can’t be a beggar with a choice. It’s even better if you’re a server that works for a catering company. Servers always carry leftover food from events and even enjoy more than party guests. 

    Visit family members one by one 

    Family members will never let you leave their houses without at least having something to eat. But you need to be careful about which family member’s house you visit. Because you may land in the house of a relative who can only offer you chin-chin and juice. 

    Befriend a chef 

    Chefs are constantly always cooking and experimenting with food in their homes. Become friends with a chef, and always go over to their house to visit them. Just say, “Oh, I was passing, and I just said let me stop by and greet you.” They can ask you help taste their new recipe Once in a while, call them to ask how they are. The more they think you’re a good friend, the more they want to show you love the one way they know how to — by feeding you. 

    ALSO READ: You’re a Certified Chef if You Watch These 7 Cooking Shows

    Attend events with Item seven

    Attend weddings, birthdays, burials etc. — any kind of owambe, just go and answer present. All these events almost always have food. Don’t worry about not knowing the person hosting the event. Just dress up and enter with your full chest. Make sure you carry bag that’ll allow you to carry extra food back home. 

    Eat the sacrifice foods they leave at junctions 

    Have you seen what is inside the bowl of food that people leave as sacrifice to the gods? Beans, eggs, meat, rice, moi-moi, plantain etc. That’s three square meals in one. My dear, stand at a T-junction this night and collect any food you see. The gods will be fine; they’re immortal and they understand there’s sapa in the land.

    ALSO READ: 11 Ways To Know Your Food Has Been Poisoned

  • Puff-Puff Is Overrated, and These 5 Reasons Will Convince You

    Puff-Puff Is Overrated, and These 5 Reasons Will Convince You

    You probably opened this article, ready to throw hands. But wait, and let’s reason together. Do you like puff-puff because you think it’s the best thing in Buhari’s Nigeria or because of peer pressure?

    Keep your offence and open your mind so I can show you why puff-puff isn’t that great.

    It’s bland

    Unless you pour in a truckload of sugar when making puff-puff to convince yourself that you aren’t just chewing fried flour, it just feels like a sad waste of time. How unimaginative can a snack get?

    It gets soggy in two minutes

    Puff-puff likes shakara because how can they bring you down from the pan now now, and you decide to become soggy just because someone didn’t eat you fast enough?

    It’s too easy to destroy

    If it’s not Yoruba people adding pepper to it, it’s another person deciding to throw in big-ass onions inside. Puff puff is already bad, you now made it worse.

    It’s useless in small chops

    Please, why are there one million of them in one pack of small chops? Just tell me it’s puff-puff I’m buying.


    RELATED: We Ranked Everything in a Small Chops Pack


    Lovers of puff-puff are violent

    Puff-puff lovers and semo lovers must be in the same WhatsApp group. Do you have to violently attack anyone that gives a different opinion and try to force them to love it just because you do?

    That’s just peer pressure, and for those of us who think puff-puff is meh, we refuse to be bullied. Periodt.


    NEXT READ: What Your Favourite Pastry Says About You