It’s Friday night, and you’ve just entered this new spot called Z Bar, the superior alphabet bar in Lagos (argue with your laptop charger). You walk in and see the name Zikoko everywhere, and there’s a mix of joy and fear on your face. Because you know nothing is normal when it comes to Zikoko. 

This is what’s likely to happen if Zikoko were to be a bar: 

You’ll be quizzed

 “Take This Quiz, and We’ll Know If You’re Above 18 or Not”. We can’t just give you drinks without knowing if you’re legal or not. You’ll also have to take the “How Drunk Are You?” quiz so we can know when to stop giving you drinks.

We’ll have the most exciting cocktail names 

We’re Zikoko, so we don’t do basic cocktail names like Margarita, Daiquiri, Tequila Sunrise etc. Expect to hear names like “God abeg”, “Lagos traffic“, “Gen-Z=Best in employees”, “Wizkid is more popular than Ronaldo”, “I don’t want to be a mechanic”…

We’ll serve you drinks in an entertaining way 

You know those cool tricks bartenders do, like throwing the bottle up and catching it? We’ll also do something like that, but we’ll dance “Joha” and “Ijo laba laba” instead, to give you a proper show. If we do bottle-throwing tricks, somebody will get injured and that’s how the party will end. 

You’ll also be fed

We won’t allow you to drink on an empty stomach. As we give you a drink, we’re giving you food to go along with it. We pray not to run out of business by giving free food anyhow. 

Expect to see a lot of purple 

Your drinks WILL be purple no matter what drink you order. Take it or leave it. Purple glass with a purple straw/tiny umbrella, and it’s not because you’re a pimp named Slickback. 

Also, expect a lot of Zs 

Why did ex leave you? Because XYZ. [Omo just take this joke like that.]  This is the type of content to expect in our menu because we’re funny like that. Also, don’t be surprised when your ice and cocktail glass are in the shape of a “Z”. It’s giving aesthetics. 

You’ll definitely have a good time 

We learnt from the best. Your drinks will be 98% spirit and 2% juice, so you’d get lit. Only problem is, you may wake up in your ex’s bed the next day sha. 

Dorime for everybody

Everyone gets a Dorime, even if they buy water. As long as you’re buying from Z Bar, we’ll hype you.

Our drinks are based on dollar price 

If the dollar price goes up that minute while you’re ordering the drink, we’re changing the price, sorry. What you should pray for is that it goes down. 

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If you’re looking for cocktails that won’t be affected by the dollar price, and won’t leave you with the worst hangover that man has ever experienced, then we’re not for you. Go for Lagos cocktail week instead. There you’ll experience various cocktails by different mixologists and drink sponsors, and you’ll get to see more than just purple drinks. 

Be sure to attend the Cocktail Village Pop-up especially. It’s happening at the Balmoral Convention Center on the 20th and 21st of October 2022. Wristbands to attend cost just ₦5,000. Z Bar drinks are much more expensive than that. Click here to get your tickets. 

Yes, we know your pastor, mother, imam and secondary school teachers have all warned you that no matter what you do in your dreams, you should never eat. But there are some foods you just don’t refuse. Like the ones we’ve listed below. 

Pounded yam

Your spirit wife took time to pound yam for you and you want to reject it? It’s giving misogyny and underappreciation of women. Do better, bestie. Open your mouth and eat. No need to wash your hands. 

Indomie 

Receiving Indomie in your dream is a sign that the palliatives of life won’t be hoarded from you. Rejoice. 

Bread

Only someone who doesn’t buy their own foodstuff will reject bread in their dream. Have you seen the prices of bread these days? Something you can’t afford in real life, you want to reject in your dream. 

Semo

If you’re avoiding semo in real life and it comes to meet you in the dream, then maybe the universe is saying your really should try it out. Who knows? It could be the secret to unlocking your wealthy destiny. 

Beans

You’re short in real life, but you don’t want to collect beans in your dream? Okay o. They said opportunity comes but once but e be like say you no want opportunity. Next thing, you’ll go on Twitter and say they’re calling you short. 

Pasta

If it’s the type of pasta you eat from your local bukka, reject that shit. But if it’s creamy pasta, please jump on it. This is your one chance to see what Lagos babes are seeing in the food. 

Amala

God forbid. Amala should simply never be rejected. It’s the GOAT swallow.

Ghanaian jollof

You should only be able to try such a meal in your dream. Don’t use your real-life tongue to touch it, please. 

Your partner

I didn’t say anything o. 

How to Stop Yourself from Turning Eba at Midnight

You’ve done it again. You’ve caught yourself making food when children of God should be sleeping. And you promised you’d stop o. 

Don’t worry; it’s not by your power or might. It’s only Zikoko that can help you. 

Throw away all your food by 9 p.m.

At the end of the day, it’s someone that has food that’ll catch themselves in the kitchen making a “light” midnight snack. 

Make this your life policy: Once, it’s 9 p.m. throw out all the food you have. It doesn’t matter that your mum cooked your favourite soup and packed it in 10 bowls. If you can’t finish it in an entire day, that’s your business. 

Tie yourself to your bed

Or have someone — even if it’s your sleep paralysis demon — hold you down throughout the night. If you don’t have self-control, someone has to control you. 

Sleep outside

Have someone lock the door from inside the house while you sleep with your dog outside. In two weeks, your brain will reset. We’re talking from experience, trust us.

Staple your mouth shut

We said what we said. Okay, maybe not with an actual stapler, but if we advise you to use tape, you’ll just rip it out and use ogunfe to console yourself. 

Turn eba by 11:59

It’s not midnight until it’s midnight, king. 

Eat in your dream instead

Join a coven. They’ll feed you every night. Who even has money to be cooking every night?

Also read: 5 Nigerians Talk About Being Initiated Into Witchcraft Through Food

Abeg, who else is tired of playing drinking games on game nights? Any small thing, “Take a shot if…” Please, let’s do something else. What happened to playing games involving food? 

Try these nine food games, and I promise you that your game nights will never remain the same. 

Make smooth pap 

If you can make smooth pap, you should add it to your CV because it’s a skill for days. This game involves two people making pap the way they know how. Whoever comes out with the smoothest pap wins. Good luck with that. 

Eat spicy Indomie without drinking water 

Pour all the pepper you can imagine inside a pot of Indomie. People win if anyone can finish their plate of Indomie without doing “ooootsss aaah” (you know the sound I’m talking about) or drinking water in the first five minutes. Sorry to your toilet sha.

Food pictionary

Write down as many words related to food as possible in small pieces of paper then put them in a bowl. People will pick a word from the bowl and try to draw it on a board for other people to guess within a limited time. The group with the highest right answers wins. Good luck trying to draw ponmo.

ALSO READ: 5 Times Cold Eba Can Save Your Life

Guess the protein

This game involves being blindfolded and fed all the proteins you can possibly imagine. You’ll have to guess what animal you’re eating and the body part to win. Hope you’re comfortable eating bull testicles. 

Chopsticks food transfer 

A straightforward game. The first person to transfer their rice from one bowl to another, using chopsticks, wins. You have to be very smart with this one. 

Food spelling bee

Some of you need to be taken back to school because you don’t know how to spell, and this game will expose you. People will be given words to spell, and if they get them wrong, they must try out whatever weird food combination the game master has put together. 

QUIZ: Can You Spell These 15 Words From A Nigerian Spelling Bee?

Do you know how to cook?

The contestants will be given one minute to list the instructions on how to cook a popular food. The person with the correct instructions or something closest to it wins. The loser has to pay a fine for not knowing how to cook. Because clearly they’re rich enough to buy food or hire a chef. 

Dare or dare: food edition

Dare the players to eat plain atarodo without drinking water, eba and ketchup, a teaspoon of salt, fish eggs, hold a dead chicken head, you name it. The host has to be as creative as possible.  

Guess the number of chin-chin in a jar 

As the guests enter the venue, the host will make them write their names on paper and guess the number of chin-chin they think is in a jar. Towards the end, the host reveals whose number was the closest, and the person wins a prize. Wahala for the person who has to count the chin-chin at the beginning sha. 

ALSO READ: 9 Games Night Ideas You Need To Try Out ASAP

Social copy:

The first time I heard about Indomie Cafe, I was very confused as to why a whole restaurant was created to serve Indomie. I thought, “Why would I pay a lot of money for Indomie at a cafe when I can just cook it at home?” Out of curiosity, I decided to check out the cafe. And trust me when I say that the noodles they make in this place are much different from the ones I make at home.

Let me tell you why you must eat at Indomie Cafe:

The food is more than you can imagine

You’d think they’d serve the basic noodles just anybody can make. But it looks like these people have hired gourmet chefs to create all types of interesting Indomie recipes. They’re not here to play with anybody. On their menu, you’d see things like Indomie Polpette (with meatballs), Asian beef noodles (cooked with Asian sauce and beef), Spicy Native sauce (cooked ofada style) etc. And all of them slap as hard as a disrespected Nigerian mother. I’m speaking from my personal experience of trying out all of them. I no fit lie give you. Outside of noodles, they have appetisers and extras such as Indo-samosa, Yummie rolls, chicken bites, suya, prawns and the likes.  

You can have it as hot as you want

Yes, we’re still on this food matter because there’s too much to discuss. Asides from having the most mouth-watering Indomie recipes, they can also be cooked according to the spice level you can handle. It ranges from very mild to fire on your head. I don’t do more than myself; I always go for mild, but if you can handle your heat, just let them know. It can’t be worse than the pepper Nigerian men have shown people. 

You won’t have to finish your money

You don’t need to empty your bank account all in the name of  “Man must chop”. Indomie Cafe is budget-friendly and the food is quite filling. You can go there with ₦2,000 and you’ll eat well. I’ve taken almost all of my friends to their different branches. Any small thing, I’m suggesting Indomie cafe for lunch. 

The ambience

They have a small cute space, which is also quite colourful. The cafe has a relaxed, casual vibe, where you can sit and gist with someone or stay by yourself and watch a movie on your phone while eating. It’s a place you can go with your partner, friends or family. 

Accessibility 

Indomie Cafe is all over Lagos. They’re locations are:

• Leisure Mall, Beside Spar
• Sleek Studio, Ahmadu Bello Way, Victoria Island
• Mobolaji way, Anthony. Ikeja
• Triangle hall, Jakande Lekki. 
• Fola Osibo street, Lekki Phase 1
• Festival Mall, Festac 
• Lacasa Indomie Café, MMA2, International Airport, Lagos, Nigeria

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Please do yourself a favour and carry yourself to Indomie Cafe. I promise you, it’ll be money well spent. Hurry up and go visit the their website now because they’re currently doing a promo of 25% off orders above ₦3,000

The promo code is: ZIKOKOIC