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How to Eat Like a Food Blogger on a ₦30k Budget This Detty December

One sure way to show people on social media that you’re enjoying Detty December is by posting pictures from fancy restaurants. Even though Nigerian restaurants cost an arm, foot, liver, beard and edges, they’re the new December concerts, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

If, like me, you’re on a small budget, here are some tips on how to get the most out of your Detty December restaurant experience without using your family’s last born for rituals.

Ditch your broke friends

Sure, birds of the same feather flock together, but don’t you want to bamba and flock with the big birds? See, if you really want to enjoy the restaurant experience during Detty December, you need to let go of the broke people in your life and elevate to the IJGBs (with their pounds and dollars) and other rich people who can comfortably say, “Oh, I have it covered,” when the bill arrives.

You can go back to your broke friends in January. If they genuinely care about you, they wouldn’t mind. A win for one is a win for all.

Become a vegetarian

Restaurant food is expensive, but you see that extra protein on top? Omo, it’ll book you a first-class ticket to SAPA-land. You don’t need to have steak or prawns, dear. Tell the chef to make pasta with onions and Indomie spices. Oh, and no one will even try to drag you because being vegetarian is a cool kids’ thing these days. #PETA4Life

Eat before you leave your house

One thing about fancy Nigerian restaurants is they’ll serve you the same portion of food they’d serve a chihuahua (and add two or three leaves if you’re lucky). Restaurants are for vibes and aesthetics, not food. So if you don’t want to be unfortunate or tempted to order dessert, better do the right thing and boil small rice before you step out.

Take pictures before the bill comes

Nothing will ruin your mood faster than getting the bill. Trust me, I’m talking from experience. By the time you’ve looked at the food bill, service charge, VAT, Tinubu charge, VPN charge and Red Cross charge, all the vim you had to take pictures will disappear. Please, don’t waste your baff-up or money. Take those pictures before the bill arrives, to avoid stories that touch.

RECOMMENDED: It’s Not Detty December if You Don’t Do These Things

Look for food-tasting events and crash it

It’s December, so you can be sure at least three or four new restaurants will open every weekend before we enter 2023. Whether you’re on the guest list or not, I suggest you find your way into those restaurants on opening day because most of the food will be free. Don’t tell anyone we told you. But most importantly, don’t you dare mention Zikoko if they catch you.

Tell people you’re on an alcohol cleanse

Who alcohol epp? Have you seen the price of cocktails these days? And all because they can light the drink on fire. No, thank you. Why pay ₦‎10k for a cocktail when you can buy cheap wine or make one of these crazy cocktails recommended by Zikoko writers in the comfort of your home. If people ask why you’re not drinking, tell them you’re on an alcohol cleanse or you’ve given your life to Christ.

Attend every family event

Will you have to endure your aunties and uncles asking you why you’re a single pringle? Yes. But is the food free? Also, yes. Has anyone ever died from insort? No. So, suck it up and go to big mummy’s house in Surulere for free food.

Flirt with the waiter

Like they say in Nollywood, “Scratch my back, and I’ll scratch your back.”

If you want portions that’ll fill one-quarter of your stomach and food that’ll come out on time so you can take pics for socials, you need to be on the waiter’s good side. All the shouting you’re doing to show yourself will only motivate them to spit in your food. A word is enough for the wise sha.

ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide to Drinking at a Party

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 29, 2022

Chopist

Detty December, Food, Restaurants
Nigerian Food Boards That Should Exist

First, we saw a charcuterie board, and it was fine; cheese, crackers and fruits — it ate. Then TikTok people started making sushi boards, butter boards, etc, and it made me wonder, what if we had Nigerian food boards? Which one would bang? Well, I have thoughts.

Abacha board

I mean, come on, this is greatness waiting to happen. Each side of the board would have different toppings — ugba, garden eggs, fish and ponmo. Every bite would be a burst of flavours. This needs to happen yesterday, for my sanity.

RELATED: Is Abacha Overrated? 7 Nigerians Argue

Swallow board

Imagine if you went to a restaurant to try some random soup, and a swallow board accompanied it. Sometimes, you’d want the softness of wheat after eating pounded yam, or eba after a couple of spoons of amala. A little bit of everything at your fingertips, god, abeg.

Plantain board

Do I even need to talk too much? As someone who recently saw the light in plantain, I say this should already exist. From good old fried plantain — it must be soft by the way — to plantain chips, unripe porridge, gizdodo, plantain and beans, the possibilities are endlessly sweet.

Assorted meat board

If you close your eyes, you can almost taste the beef and chicken suya, asun and Isi Ewu. Let your imagination run wild, and just sprinkle yaji pepper on top. I’d willingly break the bank for this instead of overpriced breakfast platters.

Puff-puff board

With chocolate-drizzled puff-puff and puff-puff sprinkled with pepper, every angle of the board would be a treat. We could experiment with puff-puff and stew. Puff-puff is bread that studied abroad, after all.

Old-school snacks board

Imagine pako and okin biscuits, baba dudu and co, all on one platter. All our childhood causes of toothache in one place sounds like bliss to me.

Rice board

This board takes “There’s rice at home” to another level. One thing Nigerians are great at is making several different types of rice. Our Jollof slaps, vegetable rice is heavenly, and there’s even concoction rice for when sapa has you in a chokehold. Just imagine them spread out on a board.

READ ALSO: We Ranked 10 Nigerian Rice Meals From the Best to the Most Unnecessary

Malakai Bassey

November 27, 2022

Chopist, Eat

Chopist, Food, listicle, Nigerian
Zikoko Hack: How to Attend an Owambe and Eat Like a King

Have you ever been served food that looks like it was from the bottom of the pot an owambe? Meanwhile, the waiters pass snail, Chinese rice and pepper soup over your head to other guests. How is it that some people get the best food at these parties, but you keep getting one spoon of jollof rice and a hard piece of meat? It’s because everyone else follows our advice but you. Let me help you avoid that at your next owambe.

Become a server

Party servers always hoard the best food for themselves. At the end of the party, you’ll see them eating food that wasn’t even on the menu. Become a server, and you’ll have extra food to take home sef.

Pretend to be a server

If you can’t get the catering company to hire you days before the event, don’t panic. Just pretend you’re one. Get there while the caterer is setting up and steal somebody’s uniform. The owambe chaos will be too much for the caterer to even notice you’re not one of their people.

Know the person in charge of the food

You have to do your research to find out the names of at least five big aunties related to the hosts’ family. Trace them and befriend them. This is a lot of work for food you’re going to poop out sha.

Pretend to be the person in charge

Just walk around and start giving orders to the people serving food. Tell them who to serve to, and make sure they start with your table. If they ask who you are, just give them one serious traditional name and say you’re the person in charge.

Have the family aso ebi

Wearing the aso ebi for immediate family members gives you privileges like getting served the best food. I don’t know how you want to get the family aso ebi sha. Good luck with that.

Befriend an usher

Become good friends with one of the ushers and they’ll place you on the best table and make sure food gets to you.

Sit in front

The people at the front are the ones who get the best available food. Get to the party early, and sit in front. If they say it’s reserved for someone, say you’re that person.

Impersonate a family member

Say you’re one of the immediate family members of the host. If mother or father doesn’t work because you look too young, say you’re a sibling.

ALSO READ: How To Attend And Enjoy An Owambe Party Properly

Z FEST 2022

Buy your tickets

Dammy Eneli

November 23, 2022

Chopist

Food, Owambe
If You Don’t Use These 7 Ingredients to Cook, You Have a Problem

Since we have the best opinion on food on the internet, we compiled a list of ingredients that shouldn’t be missing from your next meal. If you like, don’t help your tastebuds to grow up, we’ve tried our best.

Love

You can taste when something has been made with premium wickedness. You don’t even have to eat it first to know. Sometimes, just looking at it will tell you that it tastes like wickedness. Try cooking with love today, it’s a game-changer.

RELATED: 7 Meals You Can Eat on Sunday Instead of Rice

Garlic

Were you a vampire in your past life? No? Then why are you cooking without garlic? Please, explain what you’re afraid of in two seconds. If somebody offers you food without garlic, you’re probably dessert and not in a good way.

Onions

Aren’t you too old to be afraid of something because it makes you cry? The same tears you shed up and down for people who don’t deserve you? Please, respect yourself. Eat food made with onions.

Pepper

Except you have a medical condition, what sort of adult eats food without pepper? Pepper makes everything better, trust us. From avocado toast to garri, pepper spices up any meal. Help us help you.

Iru

You’re missing out if you don’t like iru. So what if it smells? Cover your nose. After cooking, you won’t smell anything, and your food will be 100 per cent better for it.

Crayfish

Crayfish works in everything. If you like, call it the “cockroach of the ocean”. They are very tasteful cockroaches. You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten crayfish blended with ice cream and a pinch of salt.

Green Peas

When it’s not like you’re 10 years old, picking out all the green peas from your fried rice. Green peas are so good and require little effort. They are great as sides and even better in any meal of your choice. Think of it as one small step for you, one giant leap for your stomach.

READ ALSO: The Only Types Of Food You’re Allowed To Eat On Weekends

Malakai Bassey

November 13, 2022

Chopist, Eat

Chopist, food struggles, Funny, listicle
If You Haven’t Tried These 11 Different Types of Fries, You Haven’t Lived

I don’t understand why many of us are so stuck on French fries when many different types exist. Please do yourself a favour and try out some of the recipes I’ve listed below.

Crinkle-Cut Fries

These are regular fries but with a different shape that weirdly makes them taste more exciting. To make this, you’ll need a crinkle knife. (You can also use the crinkle knife to cut plantain. You’ll thank me later.)

Get the recipe at My Recipes

Loaded fries

Fries from heaven! Loaded fries are made of anything you want to put inside. You can add bacon, sausage, chicken, minced meat etc. Just make sure to include cheese. And maybe a mixture of mayo and ketchup to top it off.

Get the recipe at Mandi Sarro

Shoestring Fries

These are some of the thinnest fries you’ll ever see, and so they’re crispy as heck. They taste great with fry sauce (or ketchup and mayo mixed together).

Get the recipe at Kitchn.

ALSO READ: Dear Nigerian Women, Alfredo Is Not The Only Pasta That Exists O

Curly Fries

I don’t know why Nigerian restaurants don’t serve curly fries; they bang like crazy. They’re longer than standard french fries have spring-like shapes. Rich people use a spiralizer to cut it, but here’s a video showing how to improvise with a knife. You’ll need to ensure the oil is 190°C hot before frying. This article tells you how you can know when your oil is that hot.

Get the recipe at Soul Food Cooking

Garlic fries

Garlic fries are made with salt, parmesan cheese, parsley, and chopped garlic (of course). The more cheese, the better.

Get the recipe at Caribbean Pot

Home fries

I’m obsessed with home fries, and I make them every other day. They’re thick cuts of potatoes that taste mouth-dripping good when pan-fried in bacon grease. For best results,, fry the bacon first, then use the leftover grease for your fries. You can use any type of potato.

Get the recipe at Spruce Eats

Sweet Potato Fries

Sweet potato fries are amazing because the sweetness goes well with the crispiness from the frying.

Get the recipe at Dinner at the zoo

ALSO READ: 11 Okra Recipes You Didn’t Know You Needed Today

Tater Tots

Tater tots are deep-fried, grated potatoes shaped into cute small cylinders that taste great with mayonnaise.

Get the recipe at Urban treats

Wedges

Potato Wedges are thick potato fries. They’re not as crunchy as most fires, but they’re just as delicious. I actually really like that they’re soft, which makes them nice to eat with eggs.

Get the recipe at Yummy.ph

Cheese fries

These are fries topped with any melted cheese. The cheese is basically a replacement for your ketchup.

Get the recipe at Khin’s kitchen

Cottage fries

Cottage fries taste and look like thick, soft potato chips, and can be made with or without the potato skin. They’re seasoned with a variety of seasonings like cayenne pepper, black pepper, curry and other herbs. They’re simply delicious.

Get the recipe at Kitchn

ALSO READ: All the Exciting Ways You Can Eat and Drink Your Eggs

Dammy Eneli

November 13, 2022

Chopist

Food, Popular foods
The Zikoko Guide to Drinking at a Party

Drinking can be fun. But it’s not just as simple as going to a party and getting a drink. There are rules to this thing. Here’s the Zikoko guide to drinking at a party.

Eat before you go

If you drink heavily on an empty stomach, you’ll get so drunk that you’ll end up sleeping under Oshodi bridge and not knowing how you got there. Let’s not even begin to talk about the hangover you’ll have. Abeg eat and eat well.

Know what you’re drinking

You may think you’re drinking palm wine, but what if it’s garri water mixed with tequila? Don’t look at me like that. People are mixing weird things these days and calling it a cocktail.

Drink with friends

Not just for safety but also because it’s more fun. Don’t sit by yourself in one corner sipping tequila. What was now the whole point of leaving your house?

Quiz: What Kind of Drink Are You?

Dance

If you’ve been drinking for quite a bit, stop and do some legwork. Dancing is a good way to sober up.

Don’t drink too much

Know your limits. Don’t allow oversabi or peer pressure to make you drink more than you can handle. Once you begin to feel tipsy, stop drinking. Drinking dehydrates the body, so find water to balance things out.

Find out if the drinks are free

Just because you’re at a party doesn’t automatically mean drinks are free. Ask questions before you end up using your salary to pay for drinks.

Don’t mix drinks

Choose one drink, and stick to it the entire night. Having a gin and tonic, followed by wine, followed by vodka shots, is not a good combination. It’s a recipe for a drunken disaster, and may upset your stomach.

During drinking games, drink water

With all the playing and laughing, you can easily get carried away during games. To avoid getting so drunk you begin to hear double, drink water as often as you can in between games.

If you don’t know what to drink, go for a gin and tonic

If all sorts of drink names are being thrown at you and you’re confused, go for a gin and tonic (G&T). A G&T is a classic sweet cocktail that everyone loves.

ALSO READ: To Increase Your Productivity, Drink These Instead of Coffee

Dammy Eneli

November 3, 2022

Chopist

drinking, drinks, sponsored
Coconut, Jollof and Fried Rice Fight for the Title of Best Rice in Nigeria

Moderator: Today at Zikoko HQ, we have three debaters — fried, jollof and coconut rice — going against each other for the “Best Rice in Nigeria” title. There are two rounds. The three parties will present their arguments to the judges in the first round.

They have two minutes each to make their arguments, so they need to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best rice win.

Coconut rice, you’re up first.

(Coconut rice walks to the stand)

Coconut rice: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is coconut rice, and I’m here to assert the motion that I’m the best rice in Nigeria.

Jollof rice:

Coconut: Unlike my colleagues, fried and jollof, I’m the healthiest rice. The coconut milk used to make me has anti-viral properties and is good for brain development and bone health. I am not fried or cooked in oil like my opponents here, who can clog people’s hearts from the amount of fat inside them. Also, I’m highly sought after because I’m not common. Also, have you ever walked into a room where I’m being cooked? The aroma is so divine it’ll make you crave me more. I can be eaten alone or with my friends: shrimps, prawns, carrots, peas, beef and co. Whichever way you choose to eat me, I’ll taste great.

(Coconut rice walks back to its seat as Jollof walks to the stage)

ALSO READ: 5 Types of Rice Nigerians Need to Respect More

Jollof: Good morning, my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is Jollof, and I’m here to assert that I’m the best rice in Nigeria. Now, I’m not going to come here and mention health facts that I Googled five minutes before getting on stage.

(Jollof smirks and looks at coconut rice)

Coconut:

Jollof: I don’t need to say too much. I’m the most popular rice out there. I’m so famous that African countries constantly fight about which version of me is the best. No event is complete without me there, whether it’s a wedding, office party or burial. Even in game nights, I’m there. I’m a delicious necessity; people just can’t do without me.

Thank you.

(Jollof rice walks back to their seat as fried rice mounts the stage)

Photo credit: JCI

Fried: Good morning everyone. My name is fried rice, and I’m here to tell you that I’m the best of the best. I may not be at every event like Jollof, but sometimes we end up sitting side by side on plates. When that happens, people tend to eat me more because they’re just tired of Jollof.

Jollof:

Fried: I’m famous in Africa and worldwide. I can be made in many different ways, and you’ll never feel like you’re eating the same type of rice. You can’t get bored with me. Families love me during special occasions like Christmas, Ramadan, birthdays etc. And on that note, I hope I have been able to convince you and not confuse you, that I’m the best rice in Nigeria. Thank you.

(Fried rice walks back to his seat, and the moderator comes back to the stage)

Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now it’s time to face one another. You have five minutes.

Jollof: Fried rice, if you’re so popular worldwide, why are you here trying to fight for the title of the best rice in Nigeria.

Fried: Because Nigerians are yet to properly acknowledge my greatness. And if the judges rule me as the best rice, people will stop serving your mediocre ass at events.

Jollof: I can never stop being served. I am the king of foods in this country, I’ve been around the longest, and I deserve to be voted as best rice.

Coconut: You realise that all you bring to the table is tomato and pepper. You’re literally white rice and stew mixed together.

Jollof: What’s this one saying? Elders are talking, and you think you can put your mouth?

Coconut: Such a classic boomer move, trying to use age to win an argument.

Jollof: Yes, as long as I’m older than you, I deserve to be the best.

Coconut: 2+2 = water bottle. What are you even saying?

Fried: What even gave you the audacity to be here in the first place? Nobody eats you like that. How are you here, and white rice isn’t?

Coconut: How can white rice be here instead of me. White rice can’t even stand without stew.

(White rice walks in through the doors and goes straight to the moderator)

(All the other rice look confused)

White rice: Good morning sir. I just found out there was a debate about the best type of rice in Nigeria, and I don’t know why I wasn’t invited.

Moderator: I’m very sure we sent you an invite.

White: I didn’t see anything in my e-mail.

Moderator: Maybe it’s your network. What network do you use?

White: Glo — shit!

Moderator: You see. Anyway, you’ve already missed the first round, but you can join now and make your case.

(White rice walks over to where the other debaters are)

White: I can’t believe all of you are gathered here to argue about who’s the best rice when I exist.

Coconut: You that depends on other people’s sauce to be eaten?

White rice: That may be true, but the other people I come with are bad bitches — pepper sauce, turkey stew, curries, vegetable stew and so forth.

Fried rice: But you still rely on others

White rice: Don’t you rely on curry and thyme and your many ingredients that take forever to cut? As for jollof, you think you’re big because you’re served at events? I’m a staple food in all Nigerian homes. Hello? Have you heard of Sunday rice?.

Jollof: And that’s why people get tired of your old ass. You may come with many “bad bitches”, but the most common one we know you with is tomato stew that comes with one small piece of chicken.

Coconut: You this baby-boomer rice, you need to rest. Your time has passed. Gen-Z rice is here to take over.

Fried, Jollof and white: Shut up!

Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break and give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner.

White: But I didn’t even have enough time to make my argument!

Moderator: That’s not on us, blame Glo

White rice: (storms out in anger)

(One of the judges walks to the stage)

Judge: You all did well in your arguments. Unfortunately, one person came late, but we’ve judged according to the arguments they were able to make within the time they had. A winner must still be decided.

Judge: And the best rice to exist in Nigeria is…Fried rice!!!

Fried rice:

ALSO READ: Port Harcourt Bole and Lagos Boli Fight for the Title of “Best Roasted Plantain”

Dammy Eneli

October 29, 2022

Chopist

Chopist, Nigerian Food, Rice
Dear Nigerian Women, Alfredo Is Not The Only Pasta That Exists O

There’s a 70% chance a Nigerian woman will order alfredo pasta at a restaurant (source: trust me, I know). Does alfredo give us some extraordinary superpower, or the plenty money they say we have in our Piggyvest? I don’t know. Either way, in honour of World Pasta Day, I recommend these other pasta meals for Nigerian women to look out for in restaurant menus or try at home.

Seafood mac and cheese

Image source: Stay snatched

If you’re craving cheesy seafood pasta, leave the alfredo and eat seafood mac and cheese. Mac and cheese is the ultimate comfort food to be eaten at home while watching horrible sitcoms. It’s ten times better if there are a lot of shrimps and other seafood mede made.

Fettuccine alla carbonara

Image source: Guides-Brit+Co

Thin pasta with a creamy sauce consisting of egg, bacon & cheese. All these ingredients combine to make this pasta the mouth-dripping meal it is. I’d gladly sell my firstborn for it. I’m joking (I’m not joking). The bacon is the star of the show here.

Seafood spaghetti marinara

Image source: Tesco Real Food

Seafood spaghetti marinara is all your favourite seafood mixed in a sauce made from tomatoes, onions, garlic, oregano, basil, etc. Some restaurants put calamari prawns, mussels and co. inside. Eat it, and you may have an orgasm.

ALSO READ: Make Bougie Creamy Pasta With Less Than ₦10k

Spaghetti and meatballs

Image source: Delish

I don’t see many people eat spaghetti and meatball often, and I don’t know why. You can have this meal with the meatball sauce separate from the pasta or mixed together with the pasta. Either way, still delicious.

Pasta pomodoro

Image source: Simply Home Cooked

If you want a taste of Italy, you should try this dish. It looks like pasta made from tomato sauce. But with pomodoro, the sauce is made from finely diced or crushed tomatoes to give it a very thick texture. What makes it special is the butter, olive oil and parmesan cheese.

ALSO READ: 9 Cooking Hacks You Need to Know Before 30

Green pasta

Image source: Legally Healthy Blonde

Green is my favourite colour, so I’m biased towards this meal. If you want to deceive yourself about healthy eating, this pasta is a good way to eat your vegetables. The sauce is made from spinach, but it can be very creamy and cheesy if you want. Try it first before you judge.

Asun pasta

Image source: The Yellow Plate

I would like to sell my father’s land and give all the money to the person who thought of mixing asun and pasta together. There’s a way the pepper sauce from the asun mixes with the other typical pasta ingredients. Such a spicy and delicious blessing. If you want to go the extra mile, try asun alfredo.

Coconut pasta

Image source: Vegan Cocotte

If you’re a fan of coconut rice, you’ll love coconut pasta. There’s the tomato coconut pasta and the plain one with coconut milk. They’re both creamy and incredibly delicious.

Tuna pasta

Image source: The Dinner Bite

I understand tuna is expensive in this economy. That doesn’t mean you should deprive yourself of the enjoyment that is tuna pasta. And just like every other pasta, there’s the tomato and creamy options. You can even bake it. Tuna tastes great, so it’ll go amazingly well mixed with any pasta sauce.

ALSO READ: Nigerian Women Need to Leave Pasta Alone and Try Out These 8 Other Meals

Dammy Eneli

October 25, 2022

Chopist

Food, pasta
Port Harcourt Bole and Lagos Boli Fight for the Title of “Best Roasted Plantain”

Moderator: We often hear endless arguments about which is better between Port Harcourt (PH) bole and Lagos bole (boli). Today, we have invited both plantains to Zikoko HQ to debate for the bragging rights of “Best Roasted Plantain”.

There are two rounds. In the first round, both parties will each get to present their arguments to the judges. They have two minutes each to make their arguments, so they need to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best roasted plantain win.

PH Bole, you’re up first.

(PH Bole walks to the stand)

PH Bole: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is roasted plantain, popularly known as “bole”, and I’m here to defend the motion that PH bole is the best roasted plantain to ever exist.

Image credit: NITDA

Boli (interjects): That’s not the motion! We’re here to argue which roasted plantain is the best.

PH bole: That’s basically what I said.

(Boli rolls their eyes)

PH bole: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I’d like to state that, first of all, the correct way to spell and pronounce it is B-O-L-E and not B-O-L-I. Lagos tried to be different by spelling their own with an “I”, but clearly, the “I” stands for “inferior”.

I believe I’m the best roasted plantain because everyone likes me. If you check the comments of all the Instagram and Twitter posts I appear in, you’ll see people talking about how much they want and crave me. They love me, not just because of my soft, well-roasted exterior, but also because of the people I surround myself with — people such as roasted fish, pepper sauce, snail, vegetables etc.

Dear judges, some people love me so much, they’re willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get me. See exhibit A below. You see, I’m a hot cake. Can Lagos say the same?

Exhibit A

(PH walks back to their seat as Lagos walks to the stage)

Lagos Bole : Good morning, my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper, and moderator. My name is Boli, and I’m here to defend the motion that Lagos’ roasted plantain is the best.

Image credit: NITDA

(Bole rolls his eyes)

My opponent came on stage and bragged about how everybody likes them and how they’re a “hot cake”. But not once did they mention their usefulness to the people who love him. See, I bring people together: co-workers who go out to buy me and bond away from work, parents who make their children happy by giving me as a snack to their kids, etc.

PH Bole: I do all of that too!

Lagos Boli: Excuse me, I’m speaking.

PH Bole:

Lagos Boli: Also, people love me for me. I don’t need extras around to make people want me. I’m a hot cake on my own. Although sometimes I have my friend, groundnuts, with me. Plus, I’m very friendly and not proud; that’s why anyone can make me at home and can afford me outside. Can’t say the same for my Port Harcourt brother who needs fish and snail and other senrenren to be great.

Thank you.

(Boli walks back to his seat, and the moderator comes back to the stage)

Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now it’s time to face each other. You have five minutes.

Image credit: rehosmartbee

Bole: I’m not arrogant. The reason why only certain people can make me is that I’m special. I don’t just let anybody touch me, unlike you that agrees to be eaten by everyone. SMH, no class.

Boli: Not you trying to slut-shame me in this big 2022. Don’t hate just because you’re expensive and people don’t like buying you. At least people can afford me even when they’re broke.

Bole: Who says I’m expensive? I cost a bit more than you because I come with extra pizzazz. At the end of the day, people eat me with my pepper sauce and roasted fish and are full and satisfied. I’m a full meal. Who wants to eat plantain and groundnut after a long stressful day at work?

Boli: I’m a snack. That’s why I only come with groundnut. People need me to hold their hunger. And also to help control their diets in a healthy way.

Bole: So you’re fat shaming now?

Boli: What? That’s not what I’m doing.

Bole: Mhm. If someone puts me with my roasted fish, side by side with you and your groundnuts, who do you think will be picked first?

Boli: So you’re a pick me now?

Bole: What???

Boli: Why don’t you face me, plantain to plantain, without all the extras?

Bole: The extras are what make me, me!

Boli: Ohooo, so you’re not good enough on your own?

Bole: That’s not what I’m saying-

Boli: Ladies and gentlemen, bole has agreed that he can’t taste good on his own. Hence —

Bole: At least I’m not surrounded by dirt with all the Lagos garbage that have stained your white.

Boli: You think you’re cleaner than me? Your city is literally covered in soot!

(Everyone gasps)

Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break and give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner.

(One of the judges walks to the stage)

Judge: Let me start by saying that both of you are winners. It’s just that one person must come first.

Bole and Boli:

Judge: Although there were a few low blows here and there, you both made solid arguments. After much deliberation, the best roasted plantain between PH Bole and Lagos Boli is…

Dammy Eneli

October 22, 2022

Chopist

Food, Plantain
5 Banging Food Combos That’ll Have You Forgetting Your Problems

What problems do you have? Pleasing your partner’s parents? Passing IELTS? Fighting your account manager because your last transfer didn’t go through? Your japa plans aren’t clicking? Like it or not, the invisible “s” in life is for stress, and it’ll follow us wherever we go.

But do you know something that’ll never disappoint or add to your stress, though? These food combos.

Hot akara and today’s agege bread

Put the akara inside the bread and proceed to squeeze it like you’re trying to choke that conductor that ran away with your ₦50 change five years ago. Then slam it with a chilled can of Malta Guinness. Wiun.

Jollof rice and Malta Guinness

Plus chicken and egg that they forgot inside pepper stew. Ever been to the clouds before? Welcome home, dear comrade.

Ewa agoyin and soft bread

Repeat after me — soft bread with ewa agoyin every time. Life is not hard, enjoy it with some chilled goodness. If you buy bread that can pass as the stone used to kill goliath, you’re on your own.

The amala trinity (AKA amala, gbegiri, and ewedu) plus assorted meats

Wash it down with a cold bottle of your favourite Malt drink, and you might just wake up in heaven.

Anything with Malta Guinness, really

Sometimes, there’s no combo. Why? Because a sip of Malta Guinness does a world of good tbh, and who doesn’t like to feel good? Nobody!

Whether paired with tasty party jollof rice, or that shawarma you just bought with your last ₦3k, Malta Guinness is the perfect complement for your favourite meals. Malta Guinness has partnered with your fave restaurants to bring you exciting meal combos to elevate your meal experience.

Follow Malta Guinness on Instagram and Facebook to know more about these amazing meal combos.

Tife Oni

October 19, 2022

Chopist

Food, Funny, malta guinness, Nigerians