Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

Whenever a public proposal video where the woman says no surfaces on the internet, it’s usually followed by a litany of assumptions about the cruelty of the woman. No one ever seems to ask why the woman turned down the proposal. Was she unsuspecting? Or not ready to marry? Did she not love him? Or did she not just want to get married? 

This week I ask 4 women who said no to public proposals a simple question – why? 

He blindsided me – Funbi 25

We had been dating for exactly 11 months. I was 21, and he was 30. When we started dating, he said he wanted to marry soon. And I made it crystal clear to him I was nowhere near ready and wouldn’t be for a couple of years. I was only 21, for goodness’ sake. Every couple of months he’d bring it up, and I’d tell him I wasn’t looking to get married until I was at least 26. He’d say he loved me enough to wait and that he understood.

The month before he proposed, he had already told his family without saying a word to me. His younger sister who was my friend told me about because she knew my stance on the marriage issue. When I confronted him about it, he said that his younger sister misinformed me. That he had only told his family that I was the woman he intended to marry in the future. The explanation didn’t sit too well with me, but I accepted it. The next month was my birthday. He threw a big surprise party with most of his family and my friends. The only person who had met him in my family was my sister, and she wasn’t there. After they brought out the cake, a saxophone player came out. I thought it was part of the party only for him to get down on one knee. I bent down to whisper the no in his ear. That he should please stand up so we could go talk about it somewhere private. Baba refused to stand up, he said would not take no for an answer. So I walked out. When I got home, I texted him that we were done. I felt no pity for him because I felt like what he did was very manipulative. 

It wasn’t the right time for us – Seyi, 28 

I loved him deeply, and I wanted to say yes, but it wasn’t the right time for us to get married and I had told him before he proposed. We had been dating for about 6 years, most of which was in our university days. As at the time he proposed, he was in-between jobs, and I was working at a dead place collecting eighty thousand naira per month.

The first time we had the marriage conversation, it came up naturally. We talked about how much we loved each other and wanted to devote ourselves to each other. It was very sweet. A couple of weeks after he started asking me what type of ring I wanted. I told him to calm down, that there was no need for a ring or a proposal yet. Because once we did that, our families would start pressuring us to get married. The month after we had that conversation, he got a high-paying job. He had not even collected his first salary when he planned with some of my friends to get me to a private room in a restaurant for a surprise proposal.

When I got there, there were about ten people, 3 or 4 of his friends and 5 of mine. He already had ‘will you marry me’ balloons and roses set out. Before he could even get on one knee or bring out the ring, I took him aside and told him we had talked about this and agreed to wait. He said we did, but he had gotten a great job now, so what was the problem. I asked him, ‘Me nko? You think when I was saying I want us to be set in life, I was only talking about you?’ He got pretty upset and his friends had to take him home to calm him down. I and my friends sat down to eat the food that we were supposed to use to celebrate. I let him cool off for a couple of days before going to see him. I knew the biggest problem was just that his ego was bruised. We are still dating now and we’ll probably marry next year. 

I was pregnant; I said no – Kate, 30 

This happened when I was 25. I was seeing one of those men so foolish that everyone in my life complained about him. We weren’t even dating seriously; we were pretty much just fooling around regularly. That was how I got pregnant. When I told him he pulled a ‘Are you sure I’m the father?’ Followed by a ‘So what do you want to do about it? Abort it? That was when I truly understood the depth of his foolishness.

A week after he came back to beg that he was sorry, and he wanted to be involved in the baby’s life. I told him no problem. By then I had already told my family that I was pregnant. I had also told them that the father of the child wasn’t interested in raising the child. So they didn’t even bother looking for him. When I told my mum he had come back to declare interest in the child, she didn’t even want to hear it. After declaring that he was ready to take part in the child’s life, he ghosted for another three months.

Only for him to come one day with his mother and an uncle to tell me he thinks we should get married. It was very clear that his mother was the one pulling the strings, and I told them to fuck off. It wasn’t a public proposal the way you see it in the movies, but he really came with family members to my family home. I know he was expecting the presence of family to pressure me. Thankfully, my family was firmly on my side. My baby girl is it 5 now and the idiot that wanted to get married has only seen her twice this year. 

He tried to propose after he cheated – Kemi 28

We had been dating for two years when I found out he was cheating in the worst of ways. He had dumped his side chick for another side chick, so the first side chick decided to come to me as a woman. I confronted him, he begged, he cried and promised it would never happen again, for some reason I stayed but the relationship wasn’t the same and he could tell. I became more withdrawn from him and would get paranoid whenever he went out at night. I finally talked about it with him and told him we needed to find a way to work through our issues or just end things already.

Instead of him to work on putting to bed my trust issues, he decided to propose. He did it at his apartment with a couple of mutual friends present. I walked in to find him already on one knee. It was seeing him at that moment with his stupid friends who knew he was cheating standing around him; I knew that I had to get out of the relationship. I mumbled ‘No, I’m sorry’ and entered his bedroom. He came after me looking genuinely confused. He said cheating on me, and my finding out made him realize how much he couldn’t do without me. I told him it made me realize that I could do better than him. And I picked up my bag and walked out of his house. He kept begging and sending his friends to beg, but I still said no. Once people heard that we were done, so-called friends started telling me about how he was cheating with one person or the other from the very beginning of our relationship. He’s engaged now, and I genuinely pity the girl.

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

For the woman in this week’s What She Said, choosing to marry a 61-year-old man who already had three wives when she was 27, was a much easier decision for her than many people would think. She’s 29 now and walks us through the unique dynamics of her married life, her lack of regrets and life in general.

What’s the beginning of your story?

I guess I should start with how we met. It wasn’t love at first sight. He was my younger sister’s boss when she was doing NYSC. He was very invested in her wellbeing and asked to meet her parents. We even thought he was trying to toast her. The day he came I happened to be at home, he was very polite. He brought food and money, chatted with my parents for a couple of minutes, and then stood up to take his leave. I walked him out so I could thank him again for taking care of my sister and for the things he brought. It was a time where things were tight for the family. Things are always tight, but that’s a story for another day. Anyway, after I thanked him I told him if he knew anyone that was hiring he should please send me their way. I had been job seeking for almost two years with no luck. He said no problem and asked for my number, and that’s how we started chatting. 

Did you date?

We chatted for a couple of weeks, then we started seeing each other. But it wasn’t a secret affair. He wasn’t trying to hide me or anything. I would go with him to parties or office functions, things like that. But anytime he wanted us to be together, he’ll take me to one of his guest houses. He never took me home, and he never mentioned his wives. I knew he was married, but I didn’t know he had three wives. Eleven months after we met, he told me he wasn’t a child anymore and he couldn’t be doing all the playing around we were doing. That was when he told me he had three wives and he wanted me to be the fourth. 

How did you react? 

Before I met him, marriage was not on my horizon at all. I had dumped one yeye boyfriend I had, and I was not looking for any man to stress me. The fact that I was not thinking about my marriage at all, coupled with the fact that he now even wanted me to be a fourth wife, made me hesitate. I told him I needed to sleep on it and pray about it. After a week I realised the thought of it wasn’t as scary as when he first told me, so I told him yes. 

Would you say you were in love with him?

Which love? I don’t hate him, in fact, I’m fond of him, but if it’s that foolish type of love I used to feel for small small boyfriends that year, I don’t think so. The kind that will make me be cooking for a man that’s cheating on me. God forbid I use my eyes to see that kind of love again. Does anyone even marry for love?

Why did you say yes to his proposal?

It was just the sensible thing to do. This was a good and responsible man that was taking very good care of me. He was kind; he wasn’t abusive; he was already taking care of a lot of my family responsibilities. He was sending money to my parents twice a month and paying the last born’s school fees. This year he was the one who renewed the rent on my parent’s house. Saying yes was just the sensible thing to do. 

You said he was kind, has that changed since you’ve been married 

Not in the least bit. He’s not as sweet as he used to be when he was chasing me. Ah that time what didn’t he tell me. The only thing remaining was for him to tell me that he was going to make me the queen of England. But other than that, he hasn’t let me down. He promised me a life of stability and comfort, and that’s what I have. 

Did your parents oppose the marriage?

My mother was supportive from the very beginning. She knew he was a very kind man, and he had already been helping the family out. It was my father that wasn’t having it, he even threatened to disown me that I’m a prostitute. But I wasn’t fazed by anything he said. When it’s not as if he’ll marry me. His biggest problem wasn’t even the fact that he was 61. It was that I had to convert. It’s not as if we were strong Christians, but he didn’t like Muslims. When I told my husband, he just told me not to worry that he’ll talk to him. Till today I don’t know what he said to my father o, but he gave his blessing that very day. 

You didn’t have a problem with converting?

Like I said we were not strong Christians like that. Before I got married I hadn’t even stepped inside a church in two years. But he’s also not a strong Muslim like that. I didn’t have to cover my hair or change the way I dress or anything. The only difference is that I have a Muslim name now, but I don’t use it I still use my first name. He doesn’t even like it when people call him Alhaji, mostly because it makes him feel old sha.

What about friends and other families?

There was nothing I didn’t hear from those ones. That I’m a gold digger, that I’m marrying for money. I told them it’s better for me to be all those things than for me to be dying in poverty like them. Some of my friends stopped speaking to me but as far I was concerned it was good riddance. When it wasn’t as if I killed someone or destroyed somebody’s marriage. 

What surprises people who don’t know you the most?

Asides my age that I’m educated. When his friends first heard of me, they were expecting to see a village girl when they met me. I was born and raised in Lagos. I went to Unilag; I have a degree in Microbiology.

How’s life with the other wives?

The other three wives don’t stay with us, so I only get to see them during family events. The first wife is in England with her children and grandchildren, the second wife is in Ibadan because that’s where he married her and put her. He does a lot of business in Ibadan, when he goes there he stays with her. The third wife is in Lagos here with us. When they were dating, he put her in an apartment and she just never left. He goes to see her every other weekend. So it’s just me in the main house with him.

The first time I met two out of the three wives, I was expecting drama. I didn’t leave his side the whole day until they told all the women to sit together. The second wife was very warm. She gisted with me and told me about how she met our husband, then asked me about how I met him. The third wife was very cold, but she didn’t cause any trouble for me at all. 

What’s having stepchildren like at your age

I’m not anybody’s stepmother, please o. His two children from his first wife are older than me. Are those the people I want to form stepmother for? I’m not even sure how many children he has and I don’t want to know they are not my business. Sometimes one or two come to the house to ask for money or spend a week or two. I just let them be to avoid any insult. If I see them they greet me, that’s all. 

Whatever happened to that job you asked for? 

He found one for me o, with a friend of his. It was glorified secretary work, but that wasn’t the problem. The friend started disturbing me. If I pass by his table, he will touch my waist or touch my bum bum. When I finally told my husband, he called the man to abuse him thoroughly. I just stopped going to work from that day. 

Do you work now?

No, I don’t. I was working on opening a makeup and skincare store before this Coronavirus thing started. I’ve already gotten the space, but all the things I ordered to stock up have been delayed. Some have started coming in now, so I’m optimistic that by the end of the year everything will be ready.

Would you have had it any other way? Maybe married a younger man if your life was different?

I don’t know; I don’t think so. Age is honestly a number, shey I was dating younger men before I met him they were bringing me nothing more than suffering. There’s nothing any other man can do for me that my husband isn’t already doing. Yes, my comfort and my family’s comfort was one of the biggest motivators for my marriage, but I would have done it, regardless. He’s a very caring man, he doesn’t take care of me just financially, he really cares for my wellbeing too.

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

The subject of this week is a 55-year-old woman who opted for early retirement this year. And is spending most of her time with her husband, children and just stopping to smell the roses. We talked about sex, financial advice, feminism and everything in between.

If you got in a time capsule, what’s the first thing you’d tell 25 years old you.

To wait small before she gets married. Not that I have any regrets, I got married at 21 and we’ll be celebrating our 34th anniversary later this year. Next year is 35, we’ll throw a big party. But getting married delayed my career. I’d have peaked sooner if I hadn’t. I had four children, and I didn’t start working until the fourth one was in primary school. Then, the order of things for many women like me was finding a good husband, raising a family and then maybe pursuing a career. The last part wasn’t compulsory. I see many young women doing the last these days and it makes me happy. Interestingly, I also see fewer women doing the first.

What do you think about it? By my age, you were married, but I don’t see it happening for me for several years.

No one gets married at 21 these days, and no one should. When my daughter turned 21, I remember having a conversation with her. I told her to take her time looking for a husband. Marrying a useless man will derail your life in unprecedented ways. So be very picky. It doesn’t matter if you get married at 25, 30 or even 35, the most important thing is that it’s to a very good man.

Is there anything you’d have liked to do at my age that you never did?

Not really. You people seem so full of energy. Things were slower paced then. I’d have made some bolder choices here and there, but I can’t think of a specific thing. Put my foot down about certain things more often. But my biggest dreams as at the time I was entering university was getting married. Getting a degree served to increase my prospects. I’m not as short-sighted now and we live in different times, but that was how it was.

How does feminism in our age look to you?

It gladdens my heart. Women your age are bold, maybe sometimes too bold, but in general, you have a fire in you, you would only find in a handful of women when I was at that age. But one thing you ladies forget is that it didn’t start with you. You are only picking up from where we left off.

My daughter gets in very spirited arguments with me over certain things and it usually ends with ‘mummy you can’t understand you are old’. I tell her, ‘I’m 55 but feminism is no stranger to me’. My father had 15 children, 9 of them were boys. He put us all through secondary school when it came time for me to go to university, he said I didn’t need it. My mother wasn’t having it, I wasn’t having it. A woman of my pedigree won’t have to fight for that sort of thing now.

What’s the best career advice you could give me?

Follow a conventional career path. There are all sorts of career paths these days, and they might seem new and exciting. But will they stand the test of time? Can you see yourself doing it for decades? The most fascinating one I’ve heard of is being a Youtuber. That’s creating videos for YouTube only. My son says it classifies as a career, I asked him, would that still be relevant when you are a 45-year-old man with a family?

If you have a good job in a place where you see yourself growing for a very long time, stay there even if the pay is low. Money is not the most important thing when you are in your 20s. My kids fight me on this. They say the structures we had in place to support that in my time are gone, but I stand by this.

What concerns should I have about getting older?

How old are you?

25

Right now, none. You shouldn’t even be thinking at all about getting older, you should just be living your life. I still felt like a 22-year-old when I turned 35, then I turned 36 blinked and suddenly I was 50.

I don’t want kids. It’s something my heart is set on, but everyone says I’ll regret it. What do you think?

I have four and they are my pride and joy. I think I love my children to death, but I could have still lived a very full and happy life if they weren’t in it. It would just be a different life, but I don’t think I’d have been miserable. You know I had a friend who never got married, never had children. Wait, actually I think she got married once in her 40s, but it didn’t last two minutes. If I were to judge a book by its cover, I’d say she’s as happy as a lark. I have friends whose children bring them nothing but sorrow and those whose children bring them nothing but joy. To each their own. But the key to your happiness doesn’t lie with your children. But I would say to you, never say never. Children are a gift and when raised right they’ll make you very happy.

What’s one thing I should learn now?

How to deal with loss. The older you get, the more loss you experience, it’s biology. I lost my mother first, when she died I didn’t eat or sleep well for months. I cried all the time, and it severely affected my health. My husband had to report me to the rest of my family that I was trying to join my mother in the grave. By the time my father died, I didn’t cry until a week after the burial. If you let every loss you experience consume you, you’ll stop living.

Could we talk about sex?

I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. What do you want to know about sex?

Well, I think I know the fundamentals, but how’s your sex life? Are you still sexually active?

Yes, I am. In fact, I think I had this conversation with my daughter and one of my sons last year and when I said I was still having sex with their father they started squealing and squirming like an earthworm, they put salt on. So I asked them, what is it you think we do behind closed doors all day – my husband is also retired -. They said reading, gisting and sleeping. Then I asked them if that’s what they do with the opposite sex behind closed doors, and they started squealing and squirming again.

So you are saying all you do is have sex now that you are retired?

You are not serious. My kids were right, there’s a lot of reading, gisting and sleeping but I’d say that we’ve been more sexually this year than in the last couple of years. We enjoy having sex with each other. It’s not as acrobatic as it used to be and sometimes it lasts 5 minutes before we both collapse in exhaustion. But it’s fascinating to me that you people think sexual urges will just disappear with age.

What’s the best dating advice you could give me?

Don’t jump around too many men first of all for the same reasons your mother must have told you by now. Sexual health, unwanted pregnancies and such. But also because men age you. For every man you engage, a forehead wrinkle awaits you in the future.

On becoming more spiritual with age.

It’s hard not to draw near to God as you get older. You’ll go through so many unexplainable things that the only option you’ll have is to seek out a higher power that will guide you through. I didn’t grow up spiritual at all. My family couldn’t decide what they wanted to be. One minute we were Christian, the next we were Muslim. I’m Christian now but it doesn’t matter where you pitch your tent, draw closer to God now, don’t wait to get older. Your life can be cut short at any moment.

You seem to be in very good health, what’s the secret

There’s none, it’s just by chance. Eat well and exercise, but I can’t tell you that I do any of those things religiously. The truth is, you could be as healthy as horse one day and the next day cancer is ravaging your body. Your health really lies in the hands of God, so pray more.

What’s the best financial advice you could give me?

I love this question, and it’s simple. Have your own money, by whatever means. It’s so important, women get married and start saying things like ‘my husband said I shouldn’t work, I should take care of the kids’. That’s fine, but you had better be running a side business at home. Squirrel away as much money as you can as often as you can. If you are married to the kind of man that would buy you everything on this part but not give you money, first of all, know that’s a wicked man who doesn’t have your best interest at heart.

Second, sell the things he buys for you. If he buys you gold, sell it and replace it with panda. You can’t be wearing gold when you have nothing in your bank account. If you have to leave the marriage in a hurry, you might not be able to carry your gold. I know a woman who left a 23-year-old marriage with only the clothes on her back. So have your own money always.

You look fantastic for your age and I’d really like to add photos of you to this interview.

Please, no. I look like this because my enemies don’t have the opportunity to feast their eyes on me often.

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

How market now?

My sister I day o. Market isn’t booming right now but in all things we thank God.

How bad is it?

Things have even started to pick up now. But you see that March and April, it was a real struggle.  Those were the hardest months I’ve had in many years. Even people that had already dropped their cloth with me were not calling me anymore. I was the one chasing people to come and collect their cloth so I can collect my balance, but they weren’t answering me. I’ll call and call from morning till night they won’t pick their calls. The ones that managed to pick, told me to hold their cloth till further notice, that where are they wearing it to. 

Sounds like tables turned?

But you know me now, I’m not that kind of tailor.  See I can’t lie to you, everyone lies, but in this life, I can never ignore you. It’s very bad for business. A customer cannot be calling me from morning to night and I won’t pick their calls. It’s even risky. It’s that type of thing that used to make people come to your shop with police. And I don’t like wahala.

When you say everyone lies…

I used to lie because customers don’t like to hear the truth. I’ll tell you that the cloth you want to sew will take two weeks, you’ll tell me you want to wear it in two days. When you know that no one can sew that kind of cloth in two days. Then I’ll tell you what you want to hear that the cloth will be ready in two days.  So that one I can confess to you, I usually lie, even you sef you know. But it’s still better for you to lie than to ignore the person completely. At least you will know that I’m working on the cloth and I haven’t run away with your money. 

I’m curious, what’s the worst lie you’ve ever told a customer? Do you remember?

There was one that I did last year, that I had to call the customer’s sister to help me beg her. See what happened. She brought one style that people usually use crepe to sew for me to sew with lace. As she brought it I told her sister they don’t use lace for this thing. She now started getting angry that if I don’t want to sew for her, I should give her her cloth let her be going. In this life that’s one thing you must never do, it’s like throwing money away. 

Do everything to keep your customers coming back. So when I collected the cloth, I thought to myself, I can still use trial and error to get the style. Only for her to call me two days later that the lace is 70,000 naira and I should make sure I don’t waste it. My sister, I didn’t cut the cloth again o. Anytime I want to cut the cloth I’ll remember I don’t have 70,000 naira to give anybody. But I couldn’t just call her to come and collect her cloth, so I started posting her. The bad thing I now did was that I’ll be telling her it’s almost ready. Until she came to carry her material back. 

But how does that help you keep a customer? 

It’s better for the customer to think I didn’t have time to sew her cloth than for her to think I don’t know how to sew. If I had cut the cloth and sewn rubbish in this life, she’ll never come back to me again. But as I didn’t sew it, she’ll see my number on her phone one day when she’s looking for a tailor and remember that she hasn’t tried me yet and then bring cloth for me to sew. It had happened many times. This particular customer I’m talking about, she still came back almost a year after. She’s a regular customer now. 

How did you start sewing?

I came to Lagos as a house girl in 2008. My madam, may her soul rest in perfect peace, asked my elder sister for someone to help her clean. By that time my elder sister was already in Lagos working with another madam, so she sent for me. When I entered Lagos, we negotiated salary she told me she would either give me 5,000 Naira a month or give me 2,500 Naira and put me somewhere to be learning trade or to be going to school. So I told her she should give me the 2,500 that I want to learn to sew. It’s not as if I even had an interest in sewing before then, it was my madam that really took out time to explain all the things I can learn and I chose to sew. So she took me to her tailor to learn. Her tailor wasn’t one of those pangolo tailors, she was a big madam with plenty machines. I learned how to do everything there up to embroidery. I stayed with my madam and the woman for 7 years until I met my husband.

What came next?

By that time I had already finished learning work. I went to my madam and I told her that I wanted to marry and I didn’t want to keep doing house girl work inside the marriage. She told me she understands that she won’t even let me. Then I now told her that I even wanted to do freedom from my sewing madam and start my own shop. My madam carried this thing on her head, she helped me do freedom party and was even the one that helped me pay half of the money for my first shop in Pako. After I left all her daughters cloth, she’ll be bringing them for me to sew. Before she died, I had started sewing her own cloth too. 

What has been your biggest challenge with your business over the years?

I’ve not had many stumbling blocks in life. God has been good to me, always sending me a helper at every turn. The only stumbling block I’ve had in life was my husband. Two years after I got married, he started displaying madness. I was going up and down looking for customers for my sewing business. Looking for money to expand my shop and he was telling me to sit at home. I told him I can’t sit at home, that it was not as if he was even making enough money to take care of both of us. That was how he started telling everyone that I’m a useless woman, that I was disrespecting him in his own house. House that I even paid the rent for the year he threw me out. 

Before then if I came back late from work he will lock the door and tell me to go back to where I was coming from. I’ll start trekking from Bariga back to my shop in Pako to sleep. Sometimes I’ll sleep before I wake up he would have taken all the money that was inside my bag. So I started hiding my money in the shop. One day we had a very serious argument, and I really gave it to him hot. He threw all my things out on the road, but even if he didn’t throw me out, me sef I’ll have left that day. I was tired. I slept in my shop for four months before I got one small self-con. 

That must have been very hard

It was very hard, I will arrange all the material inside the shop on one bench to sleep. Till today I thank God that he didn’t give me any child inside that marriage because my suffering would have been double. 

Did you want children?

I did o. We tried and tried, but I wasn’t getting pregnant. That was one of the things that used to contribute to our fights. He said I was preventing myself from getting pregnant because I wanted to focus on my business. 

Are you still at the shop at Pako?

Ah I’ve left there since it’s entering 5 years this year. I now have another shop in Sabo it’s three times the size of the Pako shop. I only had one machine in Pako. That time, if I wanted to do embroidery, I’ll leave my shop. If I wanted to do hemming, I’ll leave my shop. There were even some materials that if I used my machine to sew, it would spoil them. Let’s just thank God for God. I have one small land in Ikorodu that I’ve put foundation on so they won’t steal it. When I finish building it, I’ll rent it out, because I can’t move there. My business is here. 

What’s next for you? 

I want to continue expanding my shop. I have two girls that are helping me now. When they came they didn’t even know the difference between chiffon and silk. Now they can almost sew as well as me. So I want to get a bigger shop where I’ll be doing proper training for people that want to learn to sew. This my shop is too small for that. 

And your personal life?

I’m happy with my life like this o. Since I left my husband I’ve not faced man at all, I don’t have the energy. When I want to play with children, I collect my sister’s children. If God wants to drop husband in my life, my hand is open but I’m not going to look for. 

What qualities do you seek in a romantic partner? Good looks, loyalty, openness? And what qualities do you absolutely detest? Lies, dishonesty, disrespect? For the woman in this week’s ‘What She Said’, lies are her biggest relationship deal-breaker. Which is why she can’t seem to understand why she has only dated the biggest liars of all – internet scammers. 

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

We’ve barely started the interview and your dating life already seems…well interesting. 

Just say that it’s upside down with your chest, me too I agree. It’s funny how I’m talking to you about this instead of going to look for a pastor to help me do deliverance. Because at this point it’s beyond me. My village people are clearly following me. The women in my family kuku don’t know how to pick sensible men and that includes my mother when she picked my father. So I guess this is my cross to bear for life. 

What happened with your father?

He just woke up one day when I was I think six or seven and followed another woman. No warning at all, he just packed his bags and left the house. We were staying in a house that belonged to my mum’s family, I’m guessing that’s the only reason he didn’t send us packing. The next time I heard from him I was 20, the woman he followed had left him. He said she jazzed him and the scales had fallen from his eyes. My mum told him she would rather die than let him back into her house and I agreed with her. I don’t think about him, I don’t know how he’s doing or where he is in life. He’s dead to me, but every time I remember that he exists I just start laughing. Like how can someone be so useless in life? 

Are you talking about just you and your mum when you said women in the family?

No o. Her younger sister has four children and three baby daddies and is currently not living with any of them. One of her older sisters is living with her second husband but she might as well be a widow because he’s completely useless. In fact, he’s even a liability because she’s the one fending for the whole family including the useless man. 

And what’s your story?

Where do I even want to start with this thing? I’m 27 years old, and it was this year I realised that I have a type and it is internet scammers. It’s funny because if you ask me what my deal breakers are in a relationship I’ll tell you cheating and lying but somehow I keep finding myself dating the biggest liars of all – yahoo boys. 

How did it start?

You might not believe me, I’m not even sure I believe myself but I wasn’t targeting them. I had my first boyfriend at 19, he was 31 and all I knew was that he was very successful. He was one of those rags to riches stories in our neighbourhood and everyone knew him. But we just knew him as a successful businessman. Funny enough his name was Tunji* Plus. But I thought it was because he had many BDCs. Now if I see anybody with plus or wire in their name, I know that their ways are not pure. 

When did you realise he was a fraudster? 

Not in the relationship funny enough, I think I was already even out of my second relationship when someone randomly came to gist me that EFCC had carried Tunji* Plus. I was still asking ‘what happened?’ ‘What did he do?’. The person kept giving me this ‘who are you forming for look?’. Like you didn’t know he was a yahoo boy when you were dating him but I actually didn’t. 

What about your second relationship? 

I was 22. I can’t remember how we met but I think it was in school. He wasn’t even going to my school but he used to come around a lot. I first started suspecting when I met his friends. They weren’t like him at all he was very quiet and didn’t talk much. But they were very loud, they used to wear Gucci this and Louis Vuitton that. We would go clubbing Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And in each club, they would legit drop millions of naira. They were the type of yahoo boys that had it written on their faces. They were even proud of it, they didn’t hide it. They will be talking about how one client has clicked in front of me. Once you hear client just know it’s someone they want to maga. 

Did you ever ask him what he did for a living?

I never asked him directly if he was a yahoo boy but he never said he was. When I asked him what he did for a living he said he was into real estate. He also used to manage some artistes. 

How did the relationship end?

He dumped me o, for one mixed-race girl like this. The day I even saw the girl I couldn’t vex too much because she looked like Beyonce. Funny thing is I really liked him. He was very sweet and very generous. You know that ‘I want it I got it’ Tik Tok video, that’s how it was with him. Before I say I want… he would have already bought the thing I was thinking about. I still have some of the designer bags and clothes he bought for me. 

Who came next?

Bentley came next. Everyone called him Bentley because he used to say when he blows he would buy a Bentley. I’m still not sure if he was a yahoo boy or just one by association. Bentley’s elder brother was a confirmed yahoo boy this was something everyone knew, he was on the streets completely. But Bentley himself I’m still not sure, he was wearing the designer things and driving a Benz but I don’t know if he was just borrow posing with his brother’s things or if he was also doing wire. It wasn’t a serious relationship at all, he just wore me down with enjoyment. He was chasing me for a while and he bought me plenty of things. Once I said yes the relationship did not last three months. We just drifted apart. 

It doesn’t seem like the fact that they were criminals influenced any of your breakups.

I have two mouths I can’t lie. I think the way that I reasoned it in my head was that even though they were lying to all these other people and defrauding them, they weren’t doing the same thing to me. And I can’t lie I just saw yahoo as one of those things young boys do. It was just like a business venture. Some people blew and some didn’t. It wasn’t a crime, it wasn’t harmful. 

And now? 

I’m not even dating anybody. I’m taking a break to be a baby girl. I also know better I’m not as young or foolish. Anyone doing yahoo yahoo is a bastard and deserves to die in jail. They are evil. It’s when people around me started suffering at their hands that I really understood it. 

Think history could ever repeat itself?

Never my antenna for yahoo boys is now very sharp. I’ve also dropped a lot of people from my old circle of friends. I can’t lie the people around me also influenced the type of people I was dating. A lot of them were dating yahoo boys or married men. Just somehow people. 

*name changed

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

Relationships are complex because humans are complex. But if relationships seem to be getting a lot more complicated, it might be because they are. With millennials and younger generations embracing more non-traditional forms of relationship, a new type of relationship is made every other year. This week we’ll be learning about situantionships from a 24-year-old woman who doesn’t just embrace them but advocates for them. 

What does a situationship even mean?

A situationship is what you get when people try to force labels on everything. What people call a situationship is pretty much what casual dating in the ideal sense should be. But casual dating doesn’t exist anymore. It’s seeing one or more people casually for varying lengths of time at varying degrees of seriousness. But just so people don’t confuse it with dating in the sense of getting into a relationship, let’s call them situationships.

Casual dating doesn’t exist any more?

No, it doesn’t. Go on just two dates with one person and family, friends and strangers will immediately start asking you – ‘so are the two of you dating now?’. And when they say dating they mean are you in a relationship. When I tell people I’m seeing someone they automatically assume it’s a boyfriend and girlfriend type of situation when it’s just you exploring a casual connection with someone and having occasional sex. But a situationship becomes that when you exploring that casual connection for more than a couple of months.

A situationship occurs when you are seeing someone seriously enough for it to not just be casual sex but not seriously enough for it to be a relationship. You care about the person, you might even go on dates and call each other once in a while but there are no deep connections.

So situationships are born out of casual dating?

Exactly. If you find yourself casually dating the same person or couple of people for more than a couple of months, then you are in a situationship.

They sound a lot like open relationships

People say that, but here’s the difference. In an open relationship, you have a main partner who you love and are committed to and all that jazz. Both of you are allowed to see people outside of your relationship casually. But nothing too deep because you already have primary partners. That doesn’t exist in a situationship, there are no primary partners. What’s that thing Buhari said – I belong to everybody and I belong to nobody. It’s the same principle, you belong to everybody and you belong to no one at the same time. It frees you from the burden of being held accountable to anyone.

And you can be in multiple situationships at the same time?

Yup, I’d even advice it. If it’s just one person then the two of you are at risk of falling into the trap of being in a traditional relationship. Which is fine when it’s what you both want. But more often than not, you find that it’s one person doing what they want and the other person sticking around hoping the relationship becomes more defined. You can be in multiple situationships in varying degrees of seriousness. One could be strictly a booty call the other could be someone you could call if you found yourself in a sticky situation, or had a really bad day at work.

Are you in any situationships right now?

I’m in three. There’s the one I could end up settle down with. We’ve been friends forever and we sort of fell into this habit of having sex semi-frequently. We talk pretty frequently, about two or three times a week. We wouldn’t do Valentine’s Day but we’d buy each other presents on our birthdays.

The second is an older guy we talk a little less frequently let’s say two or three times a month. And have sex even less frequently like that. I like talking to him, he’s the one I run to when I’m having any sort of existential crisis because he always gives me great advice.

The third guy is just sex. He’s super nice and polite and the sex is amazing. But the only conversations we ever have are to plan hookups.

How long have they all been going on?

3 years, 2 years and a year and a half respectively.

I’m most curious about the guy you say you could end up with, why not be with just him?

What will now happen to my other men? They all serve very different purposes in my life and I’m sure I in theirs. I like the way their roles are set up it works for me.

Do they know about each other?

In a sense. They all know that they aren’t the only people in my life. The one I’m closest to at least knows the other two’s names. He knows who they are and what they do. The other two know I’m obviously not seeing just them but don’t care who else I’m seeing and they’ve never asked.

How does sex with three people work?

Not in the way it sounds. I’m not seeing them all at once. It’s not Monday for Femi, Tuesday for Sola, Wednesday for Dayo, then rinse and repeat. It’s more every week in a month for Femi, then I don’t see Femi for about two weeks and so I go see Sola. In the rare occasion, I’m neither seeing Femi nor Sola, I’d see Dayo.

So is it death to traditional relationships forever?

I’m young now so I’m honestly just enjoying my life. I know when I turn like 32 I’ll suddenly realize that settling down with one person isn’t a bad idea, then I’d end up dating someone and marrying him 6 months after to the dismay of all my friends and family.

Could you describe a perfect situationship?

I’m going to give in and describe a situationship as a type of relationship. Like with the way you have open relationships. So it’s a relationship with no defined roles and no commitments. It only works when the two parties are on the same page. If one person is hoping for a relationship and the other person only wants a situationship then it can’t work. Communication about that is very important.

I think situationships get a bad rap because some people try to use it to exploit others into situations in which they are getting all the perks of relationships but none of the responsibilities like accountability. If both of you are on the same page and you are sure you are on the same page, then go for it. It’s especially great when you are looking for a connection with someone that is more than just casual sex but you are not burdened with the responsibility of being the person’s number one.

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

Trigger warning: This interview contains descriptions of sexual violence.

It’s been a heavy week for Nigerian women across the country. Most especially for survivors of sexual violence. A couple of days ago, news broke that Vera Uwaila Omozuwa a 22-year-old girl who had gone to read in a church was brutally raped and killed. Shortly after news broke about Farishina, a 12-year-old girl who was raped by 11 men. For the woman in this week’s what she said these stories have moved her to open up about her own experience. 

“Hi Toke I sent you an email last month, but I didn’t follow up. Social media has been very triggering for me today, so I thought I’d reach out again to share my story.”

“I’m sorry I missed your email”

“It’s no problem.”

Where would you like to start? 

Whew, I don’t even know. I haven’t talked about this in years. Plus it feels weird to be talking to a complete stranger, no offence. I’ve only ever told one other person.

I understand, how old were you? 

It happened when I was 17, I’m 22 now, so that was seven years ago. It was my Uncle, my dad’s elder brother. 

Where did it happen? 

It happened at home, in his house, in his room. I call it home because we lived in a sort of communal setup. One big happy family in one very big compound. We were always in each others houses doing one thing or the other. There are 5 houses in the compound my Uncle’s is the biggest, so we tended to flock to it more.

Also, my grandfather is dead and he’s the first son so he’s sort of the pseudo leader of the family. There was always something going on at his every weekend for as long as I can remember. It was always one party or the other. 

But I can remember every single detail of this particular day. It was a Saturday, April 20th, 2013. Around 5:00 am that morning, my mum woke me to come to help them prep in my Uncle’s house. He was hosting some society meeting. 

My mum had told me about it the day before but I was hoping she’ll forget. I already hated going to his house. He used to do this strange thing where he’d slap my ass after I greeted him for something. He made it seem like it was innocent, like a thing you’d do to a little child. But I was 17 and it felt very out of place to me. 

So I pretended I was really deep asleep, hoping she’d go without me. But she wasn’t having it. Every time someone hosted something in the compound all the women had to go and help. If my mum had gone without me my aunties would have complained. 

We were cooking at the back of the house, I was helping to put food in packs for security men, drivers those kinds of people when one of his wives told me to go up and ask him what he wanted for breakfast. This was around 7:30 am. When I went up I stood at the door but he asked me to come in further, that he couldn’t hear what I was saying. His room was very large. I stepped in a little and he shouted at me in Isoko that I should close his door so that mosquitoes won’t enter his room. He asked me to come in and shut the door behind me so I did. 

Then he asked me to sit at the corner of his bed while he got ready so that we’d go downstairs together. He was wearing trousers and a singlet and holding a shirt in his hand. I thought it was strange but I didn’t want him to report me to my dad that I was rude. So I sat down backing him. Next thing I knew he was in front of me pushing me back into the bed. I was so confused, I didn’t process what was happening until he touched my legs. I was wearing a sort of kaftan and he was pushing it up. I started saying he should stop, then I started shouting it. He hit me across my face and turned me over pushing my face into the bed. I kept screaming but it was muffled. And then he raped me. I screamed I cried throughout. He didn’t react, he didn’t even tell me to keep quiet. When he was done he got up and went into his bathroom, he didn’t say a word to me. I just lay there the way he left me. When he got back he snapped at me to get up, go wash up and head downstairs to help. So I did in a daze. By the time I came out of the bathroom, he was already downstairs. 

I don’t have the words to explain how sorry I am this happened to you. 

Thanks. 

What did you do when you got downstairs?

I told my mum that my period had just started and I needed to go home. She thought I was just trying to dodge work so she was very angry at me, but she let me go. You know what was weird? I didn’t cry after. Once I got back home I just stayed in my room staring at the ceiling for God knows how long. The next thing I remember was my mum calling for me that I could stop faking my period and come out of my room that the work had finished. 

Did you tell her about it? 

No, I didn’t. I didn’t think she’d believe me then and I don’t think she’ll believe me now. My Uncle is like a small god in that place. He funds a lot of things from people’s school fees to the NEPA bills. People tend to react violently when you attempt to tear down their god. Till today I keep wondering if anyone heard me. His house was very large but I still think it’s almost impossible for no one to have heard me crying and screaming. But when I came out of the room no one asked me anything. No one asked me why had been in his room for so long, or why I was even coming out of his room alone. Or why I clearly looked like I had been crying. My face was even a little red from where he hit me. My mum didn’t ask about it, no one did. It was like it didn’t happen. I remember waking up the next day and wondering if it was a dream. Then I saw him outside and the reality of the whole thing came rushing back.

How was it like living in such close quarters with your rapist?

It was terrifying. I kept expecting it to happen again. I spent all my time and energy hiding from him. Not even just him, all my uncles. Nowhere felt safe. If we gathered at his house to prep for something, I’d pick a task that’ll keep me as far away from the men as possible. Ironically, my family noticed. My Aunties used to ‘tease’ me if you can call it that. About how I washing from all the men in the compound because I was growing small breast. But I shouldn’t worry. No one was looking at me like that. The funny thing is he barely even acknowledged me after it happened. There were many kids in the compound when I was forced to greet him. He’d just nod at me vaguely and look at me like he was trying to place who I was. 

Did you ever tell anyone at all? 

I didn’t tell anyone until I was 20. A very close friend was telling me about how she got raped by her lesson teacher when she was 14. So I shared mine with her. We held each other crying and cursing our rapists for hours. It was the first time I had ever felt any kind of reprieve about the incident. I had always just shoved it into a deep dark hole in my mind. I couldn’t have told any other family members, because no one would have believed me. My family is deeply traditional. Apart from the fact that my Uncle is their god, women are second class citizens to them. Girls belong in the kitchen boys in the offices that kind of thing. I feel like the only reason I got sent to University is that I’m an only child. If I had told anyone I’d have only increased my suffering. The only thing I could do was plot my escape and 2 years ago it finally happened. I came to Lagos for NYSC and I never went back. 

Where’s your Uncle now? 

He’s dead. He. Had a heart attack and died a couple of months ago. My parents asked me to come home for the funeral but I didn’t. It caused a very big fight, my dad still isn’t speaking to me. 

How did it make you feel? 

Nothing I felt absolutely nothing. I didn’t feel glad or happy or angry he was dead. I felt the same way I’ve felt since the day he raped me. Like someone took a piece of me away. Him dying didn’t fix that, I still don’t feel whole. People think that when your rapist gets put in jail or dies you finally get some kind of closure, justice is served or some shit like that. But it’s all bullshit, him dying doesn’t take away the fact that he raped me. It doesn’t take away the guilt I feel about not speaking up. Because he was probably raping God knows how many of my cousins too.

It’s sick. I mean we were all just there for his taking, like chickens in a coop. But we were forming one big happy family. I know people knew what he was doing but no one ever said thing. No one ever treated him different, in fact, they all reverenced him. I mean my speaking would probably not have saved them but I’ll never know. There’s no justice for rape survivors, just don’t fucking rape us. 

If you’ve found this interview or Uwa and Farishina’s cases triggering, imagine how much worse sexual violence survivors must feel in these times. We need to lend our voices to decry sexual violence, but it’s also important for us to do all we can to help. And here’s how you can start. Donate to organisations and causes doing the hard work of providing reprieve in so many forms for women who have been sexually violated or abused. Here’s a list you can start with.

• The S.T.E.R Initiative 
• Women At Risk International Foundation 
• Mirabel Centre Nigeria. 
• Dorothy Njemanze Foundation
• #FreshStartForFarishina

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

For the people who might not know what exactly is a BBL? 

A BBL is what all your favourite celebrities are getting done, so they can look snatched, but lying that they are working out. The full meaning is – Brazilian Butt Lift. It’s plastic surgery but doesn’t even have silicone and stuff. Fat is transferred from all the places you don’t want it, like your stomach and arms to your ass. Because who doesn’t want fat in their ass? It’s just moving the fat in your body around it’s not even plastic surgery like that.

And you just got one. How did it go? 

It feels like it has been a while now. I think it will be exactly 6 months later this week since I got my surgery done but it feels like longer. I was so scared before the surgery, for some reason in the month before I went in, I just kept seeing more and more reports of botched BBLs. There was a girl who even died early last year but for some reason that didn’t stop me from getting it. I just knew my own would be different, I was very careful.

I got it done here in Abuja despite everyone warning me against it and I don’t have one single regret. It’s not as if getting it done here was my first choice but I didn’t have the money to do it abroad. I’ve been wanting to do this for about 3 years now and I was tired of waiting. So I decided to take a risk and it paid off. 

What are the risks? 

There are so many, but the biggest one is that you can actually die. It’s rare but it can happen. The fat can enter your bloodstream and start causing blockages, in your arteries and stuff. That’s the biggest risk. There are other risks like blood clots, but the one I was fixated on was this fat entering your bloodstream thing. That’s why it’s so important not to go to any roadside doctor. I did very thorough research before my surgery so I knew what to prepare for. A lot of girls with botched surgeries either didn’t do their research, went to a complete quack or didn’t take care of their bodies properly post-operation. 

How did your surgery go? 

For me, they took fat out of my stomach and my arms. I had serious Mary Mother arms so I think that’s where they took the most fat from. The surgery itself was fine, there were no complications. During my first consultation, my doctor even told me that I was a model patient for a BBL. But the first night after the surgery, when the anaesthesia wore off I experienced pain that I had never felt in my entire life. I’ve never had a child but it might be worse than childbirth. The kind of pain that I can’t wish on my enemy.

My arms and my ass felt like someone had shot them multiple times. I only spent one day and one night in the hospital. The second night I was allowed to go home even though I was still in a lot of pain. They gave me antibiotics and some pain killers and told me not to joke with my antibiotics at all, if not I could get infections. By the end of the first week the pain had kind of worn off and I was just feeling very sore. 

How was the recovery?

Recovery wasn’t easy at all. It took about a month to stop feeling sore. I’m 6 months post-operation now and my body still feels one kind sometimes. I didn’t leave the house for anything until a month after the surgery. By the third week, I was feeling a lot better but I didn’t want to leave the house until I felt like I was almost completely healed.  

I also couldn’t sit down for the first month at all. I had to lie on my stomach to sleep. If I wanted to sit briefly I had to sit on a BBL pillow. It’s a special pillow that allows you to sit on your thighs instead of your ass. After the first month, I was sitting down more but I still avoided it when I could. If you sit too much after the surgery the fat can shift and your ass will look like someone punched it. 

I had a lot of swelling in my arms and stomach, probably my ass too, but I didn’t notice as much. At the hospital, they gave me this thing called a Faja. It’s like Spanx and a corset in one. It’s supposed to help reduce the swelling. and snatch your waist. For the first month, you have to wear it all times. You can only take it off when you want to shower. I wore mine for an extra two weeks because I heard it could help take your waist in further. 

How much did it cost? 

It cost me about 1.8 million Naira for everything from the consultation to the surgery itself to the drugs I needed. I only spent one night in the hospital but if I stayed longer it’ll have cost me more. 

Has it affected your life in any way so far? 

The amount of attention I get now is insane. From both men and women. I’m not ugly, it’s not like I wasn’t getting attention before. But now, I can’t cross the road to buy bread without getting stopped, sometimes it’s annoying but I can’t say that I hate it. Apart from that, life has just continued I’ve gotten used to my new body and I’m yet to have any problems. I only remember when I see the small scars on my ass where they injected the fat through.

You talked about celebrities lying about getting BBLs, does anyone know about yours?

I didn’t broadcast it, but if you are close to me and you ask me about it I won’t lie. I told my best friend though, she also followed me to the hospital and stayed with me for a couple of weeks while I was recovering. But I don’t owe anyone any explanation about why I suddenly look like Kim K’s sister. Some stupid girls have been trying to be shady. Asking me things like “Have you lost weight?” or “Which gym are you going to these days?”. I just ignore them, they didn’t contribute to my surgery money so I don’t owe them any explanation.  

I know a lot of people advocate against getting plastic surgery, but if it’s not your body it’s not your business. I remember when people were dragging Toke Makinwa about getting her body done. It was so disgusting, especially the women, because it’s those same women that will be screaming about the importance of feminism. 

Do you have even the slightest bit of regret? 

Right now no. In fact, my body is at its best right now. Right after the surgery, my ass was stiff at first, it took a couple of months for it to loosen up. Now it’s soft and jiggly. The swelling in my arms and stomach is completely gone too. My stomach is flatter than Beyonce’s own it’s mad. The first two or three days when I was in pain, I had some ‘who sent me’ moments, but apart from that. I don’t have a single regret. Even the money I spent was pinching me at first. But I’ve made almost double the amount back in the last two months in dash money from friends. 

Why’d you do it? 

My body would never have looked the way it looks now. No amount of working out would have helped. Even with prayer and fasting. I was very unhappy with my body. I wish I could share my before and after pictures so people can see what a difference there is, but people might recognise me and I don’t want drama. Just imagine an inverted triangle with rolls. I was very top-heavy with a big stomach and zero ass and hips. Even if I turned to John Cena in the gym I would never have gotten the body I wanted. People might think I did this for men, to get more attention from men. But I did it for me, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. 

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

Every housewife knows that being a housewife is a full-time job. Whether or not you opt-in for the role, it can be exhausting and overwhelming. But what happens when you don’t opt-in and all you can think of is opting out. 

Half of the email you sent to me was about how much you hate the word housewife.

God, I hate that word. I can’t wait for some overly politically correct people to carry it on their head that the word is derogatory or something and shame all the people still using it. Why is it even a thing? What exactly does housewife mean? Stay-at-home mum is another fun alternative; at least that one is self-explanatory. Why are the words ‘house’ and ‘wife’ put together and why is it a title? It just makes no sense to me. 

Would you prefer stay-at-home mum? 

Wo don’t call me anything, just call me by my name. You get married and people forget what your name is. To my kids’ teachers, I’m Sade and Sola’s* mummy. Even to my parents, I’m now Sade and Sola’s mummy. To my neighbours, I’m the housewife that lives in Number 8. To my in-laws, I’m ‘our wife’. 

Ok, Sade’s mummy. 

I can fight you, better stop. 

But seriously tell me about who you were before you were Sade and Sola’s mummy.

I was a size 6 baby girl, a first-class English graduate. I was about to get my Masters. Then go ahead to get a PhD too. I love to teach, I taught during my NYSC and fell in love with it. I was going to teach after getting my PhD. The plan was to go back to the school I got my first degree from. I had already built a rapport with the lecturers there. I was super outgoing, the life of the party. Too outgoing sometimes, but it was all fun. I had a ton of friends too. The plan was to remain baby girls, until we turned at least 35. I was the first to sell out. 

And now?

I’m a 32 year happily married yummy mummy. Seriously, I might no longer be a size 6 but mo gbona. I have two kids, twins. They are 5 years old. What else? I’m also a stay-at-home mum for lack of a better term. I usually don’t define myself by that but I guess it’s relevant to this conversation. A lot of the plans I had for my life before I had kids are either on hold or pipe dreams now. I’m not going to sugar coat it, if I could go back in time I’d make very different choices. 

What kind of choices? 

Just staying on course no matter what. I don’t regret getting pregnant and subsequently getting married one bit. But I’d have stuck to my post-uni plans regardless. 

How did you become a stay-at-home mum? 

Between the both of us I’m not sure. There’s a mirror on one of the walls in our living room. Some random moments during the day I catch myself just staring blankly at it. Usually mid-chore or walking past about to start a chore. I just stare at myself for a minute. Asking myself how did I end up here. Not in a ‘I hate my life and I want to die’ way. I’m genuinely curious as to how I had a five-year career plan by the time I was graduating but right now I’m not even sure where my certificate is. 

Let’s start from when you graduated and came up with that five-year plan. 

I graduated at 24 which was a little later than most people in my class. But my dad is a military man so we moved around a lot when I was in secondary school. I did JSS2 and SS1 twice. I don’t know why I always feel the need to explain this thing; 24 is not that late. Anyway, I graduated at 24 with a first-class. I studied English, mostly because I didn’t make it in for Law, but I fell in love with the course. I barely had a social life. From my second year it was just me, God and books. The plan when I finished was to do NYSC, do my masters then do my PhD. I served, started the masters and then as Linda Ikeji said, I fell pregnant. 

What came next? 

Marriage came next. Our parents were not fucking around. To be fair we would have eventually married. The plan was to get married after I finished my Masters, then start my PhD. Kids were supposed to come after all of that. Even if it meant we had to adopt. Anyway, after we got married, I deferred my masters for a year. My pregnancy was very difficult and I needed a lot of bed rest, so the school thing wasn’t working out. The second plan was to resume the Masters after I had the kids. We had it all figured out; my mum was even supposed to move in to help. Guess what happened next?

What? 

My husband got transferred to Abuja. I wasn’t deterred at first. I was only a couple of months into the masters so I figured I’d just start afresh in Abuja, no big deal. We got to Abuja and from day one, everything scattered. First of all, my mum lives in Lagos. She said there was no way she was following us to Abuja, it was fine for her to move in when we were all still in Lagos and she could easily dash back to her house whenever she wanted, but Abuja was too far for her. Plus she hates flying. My husband and I said no problem, we’ll figure it out. I’d do a part-time masters which would take two years instead of one and he’d try to be home as often as he could to help with the babies. That was five years ago, I don’t think he ever changed a diaper once. 

That sucks.

Sucks is an understatement. In the five years, we’ve been married, the only fights we have are about who should be doing what in the house and who isn’t doing what. I didn’t sign up for this; becoming a housewife was not the plan and it took a lot for me not to resent him for letting this happen to me. We had a plan before the twins came. We had been dating for three years. We spent two out of those three years talking about our life and career plans and this scenario was never discussed. 

I’m sorry about that.

It’s just so hard and I hate that no one acknowledges how hard it is. Not even my husband because he comes home to a clean house, clean children and food in the kitchen. The last time I brought up the fact that I needed to go back to school he asked me why I couldn’t find fulfillment in raising my children. I didn’t speak to or cook for him for one month. He had to call my mum to beg me. As we speak, I’m getting angry again. I just couldn’t believe his audacity. 

He dropped the ball with raising our kids because he knew I would always be there to pick up the slack. And that I’d always be the one to make sacrifices. After all, I was the one who gave up two masters and moved across the country, what was one more concession here or there to make? His job is demanding I understand that, but I keep on telling him that if he were a single father he’d have found a way to balance the two. I hate being a housewife. I hate that I don’t even get to say it out loud because people will automatically think I hate being a mother. 

What happened to the second masters? 

Oh, I started, but I couldn’t cope. Even with the part-time thing. I was missing classes, missing assignments and dodging lecturers. Three months in, I finally gave up. I decided to focus on raising the twins until they at least entered primary school. Then I’d go back. Delay is not denial abi? At least that’s what my husband keeps telling me. If you hear that I killed him that would be why.   

The twins are 5 now, which means they should be in primary 1.

Yes, they just turned 5, they were supposed to start primary 1 in September but with this corona situation, I’m not sure what would happen. Either ways, they are entering primary school this year. 

You don’t sound too enthusiastic about it

I would have been but guess what?

What? 

I’m pregnant again. 

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

When conversation starts to wane, one of the questions that often comes up with my group of all single friends ironically is ‘what would you do if you found out your partner was cheating’. Over the years the reply to that question has evolved for most of them from ‘dump his ass and burn his car’ to ‘it depends, relationships are complicated’. The woman in this week’s interview can relate to the latter. After finding out her partner of 3 years had cheated on her, she was quick to forgive. The only problem is she’s having a hard time forgetting.

Okay, I have to ask: five years ago what would you have said or done if you found out he cheated?

Lol, I don’t even need to think up a hypothetical answer for this. Five years ago I was 22 and in a relationship with someone who cheated from the day we started dating till the day we broke things off. But I didn’t know at first, acquaintances who knew used to hint at it. I’d say Femi* said he’s going to be at his parents’ house all day today, and they would ask me if I was sure. Anyway, one of the many women who he was cheating with finally ‘came to me as a woman’ armed with pictures and receipts of their time together. I thanked her and blocked her. Then I forwarded everything she sent to him. He started calling immediately. I hung up and blocked him too. That was the end of that.

Okay, let me backtrack. Tell me a little about your current relationship.

We met during NYSC camp. We flirted a lot but nothing ever happened. After camp we remained very friendly; we’d meet up for lunch or go to the movies occasionally. I think he was seeing someone else casually then but he never mentioned it. Almost a year after we first met, the lunch and movie dates became more frequent. We also started having sex.
I’m not a ‘let’s just see where this is going’ type of person. A month or two after we started having sex, I asked him point-blank ‘what are we doing?’ He gave me a speech about how he has all these feelings for me. I told him ‘yeah that’s nice, are we in a relationship or not?’ He laughed, kissed me and said ‘yes you are my girlfriend’.

That was three years ago and it has been mostly smooth sailing since then. He’s the sweetest, smartest, most considerate person I’ve ever met. The year we started dating, I was job hunting and he wasn’t. He carried my job hunting wahala on his head, sending out my CV to people, following up and everything. It’s hard to admit but he might have put in more effort than I did because the job I eventually settled on was through him.

That’s really sweet. Did anything about him or the relationship ever give you pause?

Shortly after our first year anniversary, he started hinting at open relationships a lot. He’d send me links to articles or tweets talking about how healthy and fantastic open relationships were. He’s very curious, so I thought nothing about it at first. I thought he just found it fascinating. After one month of consistently getting hints, I finally asked him if that was what he wanted. He said not really but he thought it’d be fun to experiment with it for a month or two. I wasn’t having it at all. We got into a huge fight and I told him if he wanted to sleep around he should grow some balls, break up with me and go do so. He apologised and begged that it was just an idea he was toying around with and how our relationship was the most important thing to him.

How did you feel about him suggesting an open relationship?

I felt very hurt and betrayed at first. I kept on thinking was I not enough for him. I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience when we first started dating. So obviously I felt very insecure when he basically told me he wanted to sleep with other people. But after I calmed down, we had a really long, honest talk about it and I understood where he was coming from. This is the longest relationship he has ever had. He usually dated for a couple of months, got bored and moved on. But with me, he didn’t want that. He admitted that he was getting a little restless especially sexually. But at the end of the day, I and the relationship came first. I wanted to be offended by him saying he was restless, but it’s only human nature. He’s the second person I’ve ever had sex with it. In fact, the first person barely counts. So when I meet an attractive man I can’t say the thought doesn’t cross my mind. Which was why we considered hall-passes.

Hall-passes?

So a hall-pass is a free pass for the holder to have sex with anyone else they feel like just one time. There has to be full disclosure about all the details and once you’ve used it up, any sexual activity you engage with, even with the same person you had sex with during the pass, counts as cheating. He agreed to it at first, but the more we talked about the details the more reluctant he became. I’m very organised I like lists and stuff so anytime we talked about it I’d write down the terms and conditions we were agreeing to so no one could backtrack. He said I seemed too eager to go sleep with someone else and he didn’t want it again.

To be clear he didn’t want you to sleep with someone else or he didn’t want the hall pass?

Both. He said the more we talked about it, the more he realised that he was content and that restless sexual thoughts were normal but didn’t have to be acted upon if you are disciplined and really love your partner. And I agreed, I was perfectly content with having sex with just him and he said the same

.

I’m guessing this conversation happened before you found out he cheated?

My sister, yes o. Men are not okay. We started having this conversation in the 13th month of our relationship. We came to the conclusion that open relationships in any form weren’t for us in the 15th month of our relationship, I found out he cheated two years and seven months into the relationship.

How did you find out?

In the most cliche way. I found an earring in his bed that was definitely not mine. It was a small one like the type you’d put in a third piercing — I only have two regular piercings. When I asked him about it, he blamed it on a male cousin who visited him occasionally. He said sometimes the cousin came with girls. But I knew how his relationship was with that cousin and I knew that he’d never have allowed him to have sex with a girl in his bed. I let it go because he pulled the ‘don’t you trust me’ card. I knew he didn’t like the cousin but it wasn’t sha impossible for what he said to have happened. After this, I became on guard: every call or message that entered his phone made me suspicious.

We knew each other’s passwords. So a week after I found the earring he was in the bathroom and I went through his phone. I’m not proud of it. He had deleted most of his chats except the ones with me and family. I was about to drop it when a ‘hey you’ message from a Funke* came in. That was all she sent nothing else but in my heart, I knew. When he came out of the bathroom I looked him straight in the eye and said I know you slept with Funke* and I’m done with this relationship. He started crying, went on his knees and started begging me. I started crying too because even as I said that I knew he had sex with Funke* a part of me held out hope that I was wrong.

I left his house and didn’t take any of his calls or reply to any of his messages for about a week. He told all of our mutual friends we got into a fight and they should help him beg me. He sent long epistles every day about how much he loved me, how it was a stupid mistake that only happened once and how it’ll never happen again. He kept begging to see me one more time at the very least. I finally agreed, we had a conversation and I decided to give it another go.

I’m really curious about how that conversation went.

Lol, there was a lot of crying. He did most of the talking; he said he wanted to be open with me and he’d do anything to get me to trust him again. He gave me the passwords to all of his social media accounts and email. He said he needed me to be able to know for sure that it would never happen again and that was the only way he knew how to. I’ve still never used them, so I don’t even know if he has changed them now. After the conversation, I told him I needed a bit of space. That I had forgiven him but I just needed some time.

Two weeks later, I was packing an overnight bag to go and sleep in his house. In the two weeks that I didn’t speak to him, I felt like I was punishing myself more than I was punishing him. I was so miserable, I wasn’t eating or sleeping properly. And he was sending the sweetest texts and gifts throughout. This whole thing was eight months ago and we’ve been mostly fine since then. We are currently quarantined together sef.

Mostly?

He swears he will never do it again but a part of me is just braced, waiting for it to happen. At the same, I don’t want it to happen. I avoid his phone like a plague I don’t want to see anything that’ll trigger my suspicions. I might be living in denial, but I think I’d rather do that than find out he’s cheating.

Why?

Because I’m an ode in love. It’s very hard to imagine my life without him. We’ve grown very co-dependent on each other. We’ve been talking about marriage, kids and our future together. And I know he loves me too. Every day he takes out the time to tell me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him I can tell that he’s still regretful and remorseful. But I don’t know if he’s regretful that he got caught or regretful that he cheated.

I think I’ve forgiven him now but I’m just having a hard time forgetting. Sometimes when I remember, I become very cold and mean towards him. I’d do petty things like refuse to have sex with him for a week or two. Or just ignore his calls and messages for a whole day. I know these things really hurt him and I don’t want to hurt him, I just get so angry when I remember. Two months ago we talked about marriage again and he brought up the fact that he thought I hadn’t forgiven him yet for what he did. He says he’s ready for marriage when I am, but I have to forgive him first. I told him I had forgiven him I was just having a hard time forgetting. I love him and I know I’ll get there eventually.

*names changed

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

This week I talk to a 20-year old lady who in her own words ‘just wants to vent’.

Hi there! 

I’m not sure if this is an actual problem. Especially right now. It’s like there are people dying o Funke* and this is what you are talking about. 

Lol, I haven’t even asked anything yet. 

I know, I know. It just felt right to acknowledge that given the current state of affairs in the world my issues aren’t exactly going to bring a tear to anyone’s eyes. 

Would you like that? 

No o I’m not looking for a pity party I just want to vent really. Ok maybe a little bit, for once I’d like to be able to talk about this and get sincere concern or even a genuine ‘pele’. I don’t know if anything I say is actually going to be publishable. Sorry in advance. 

I solemnly promise not to scoff. What do you want to talk about? 

I was reading about a girl who has an eating disorder the other day. She wasn’t anorexic or overeating so people nobody took her seriously until it started affecting her health. But every time she ate she’d go and stick a finger down her throat and throw up. Or sometimes she’d go for days barely eating anything, just drinking water and juices. And I just thought to myself yo this sounds like me. I don’t have any health problems, at least I think I don’t but I’ve struggled with my body image since I was a teenager and done some stupid things because of it. 

In your opinion what’s the most stupid thing you’ve done?

Had to be buying slimming tea. Someone in my hostel was selling them last year, she’s model slim and she claimed that’s what worked for her. For months that’s what I was drinking. I was drinking like four or five cups a day until I got an ulcer. I can remember the doctor asking me over and over again if there was anything I’d like to tell him. But I was with my mum so I didn’t mention the tea. To be honest I don’t know if it was the tea or the fact that I wasn’t eating that caused the ulcer. 

Ever tried anything else? 

See, I actually don’t have sense. When I was 13/14 I used to stick a finger down my throat to throw up anytime I ate something TV said could make you fat. Like cake or a pizza or if I just felt like I had eaten too much. I continued doing it till I was 16. 

What made you stop?

My sister caught on and reported me to my parents. It was a pretty big deal. My mum especially was so angry. She didn’t understand why I was doing it, she thought it was some form of rebellion. After my sister reported, anytime I ate in the house my mum would make me sit down in front of her for hours and monitor me when I went to the bathroom. Nobody ever asked me why I was doing it. 

Why were you doing it?

I’m not a large person. I’ve never been at least in theory. At my largest, I was probably a size 12 max 14. I’m currently a size 10. But I’m a little top-heavy so for certain clothes like button-down shirts. I sometimes have to buy a size 12. Anyway, I’m not a large person in theory but I’ve always felt like I was occupying more space in the world than was originally allocated to me by God. 

I am small-boned. I can tell from my wrists and ankles. Also, all the women in my family are tiny. My mum has had 4 children and is still a size 8, my sisters are probably size 2 and 0 accordingly. They are also not very tall, about 5’5” max. So when you see my mum and my two sisters they just look like three tiny triplets. Then there’s me, I’m the last child but I’m 5’10 and wear a size 10. My breasts are DDs theirs are B and C cups.

I don’t know if you get the picture. My sisters can swap clothes with each other and even my mum, but I can’t.  Even when they are shopping they leave me out because they think my taste is different from theirs but it’s not. I just can’t wear the clothes they wear because of my body. Do you get?

I get it, ever talked to them about it? 

I used to but I think it’s either I don’t know how to communicate how I feel or they don’t understand. They always make jokes about let’s say buying a particular dress so everyone can do and co then one of my sisters will say oh but Funke can’t wear this one o it won’t fit her. And someone else can reply don’t worry you’ll do and co with daddy. We are all girls and I’m not even close to my dad. None of us are, he’s hardly around. So I pretty much live in a college girls frat house. 

What’s that like? 

I’m 20, my immediate older sister is 21 and the one before her is 23. Our mum is 44, she got married pretty early. But she’s very jasi, she could pass for someone in her 30s. She has Instagram, Twitter and she has even just joined TikTok. She has a ‘my door is always open’ policy so nobody is really hiding to do anything. You can talk to her about anything boys, relationship, except sex sha I think that’s where she draws the line.

There’s no sneaking around, we don’t really have curfews and I can walk into her room right now and tell her I’m going clubbing. Well at least pre corona she won’t have batted an eyelid she’d just ask which club. She has jokes for days. But for as long as I can remember I’ve always felt like the fat kid in the popular girl’s clique who is the butt of all their jokes. My mum is the Queen B and my sisters are her cohorts. It’s not as if she’s mean or anything but I think because I don’t look like them it’s easy to be excluded. 

And you say it? 

I talk about it all the time but it’s always laughed off or comes across as whiny or annoying. I’ve tried talking to my mum ‘woman to woman’. The summary of what I told her was that I always felt excluded from the family. She replied that it was unfair to blame it on her on my sisters because I’m the one who excludes myself from things. But I don’t, they always conclude I don’t like something before they even ask me.

Back to your eating habits, what are they like now?

I wish I could say I’m over it and I’ve gotten to a point where I love my body, but I haven’t, so I’m always on some diet or weight loss experiment. Any time I tell myself I’m done with one, a new one pops up. I’m currently trying intermittent fasting. Before that, I was doing water fasts. Since I read that article I’ve just kept asking myself. Is this what an eating disorder feels like? Do I need help? Or do I just need someone to slap some sense into my head? 

Periods are a nasty thing. For 5 to 7 days every month blood spews out of your vagina nonstop as a reward for not getting pregnant. As if that’s not bad enough, it’s usually accompanied by cramping, bloating, diarrhoea, cravings. The list could go on depending on your body type. There’s also no opting out. The only way out is to bring a whole child into this world. And for some women, it doesn’t even stop then.

For a long time, I thought life couldn’t get any worse than periods and then I heard about endometriosis.

Your period, in a nutshell, is the lining of your uterus shedding every month. For you, that lining is in just your uterus. For women with endometriosis, the lining grows everywhere it shouldn’t. It could be on their ovaries, fallopian tubes or bladder. What’s even worse is that unlike with periods where the lining sheds away every month, the lining builds up in clot like patches in these places, which can only be removed with surgery. That doesn’t stop them from having irregular, heavy and severely painful periods.

The domino effect of having your lining just wilding out in your body as you can imagine is debilitating. Here’s what being diagnosed with endometriosis means for the women who are.

A whole lot of pain

Think about the worst period cramp you’ve ever had on steroids, every month. Women with endometriosis are prescribed with the strongest painkillers to help with the pain, but that doesn’t whisk it away. They might also experience pain during or after sex, and even just peeing.

A couple of surgeries but no cure

There’s is no cure for endometriosis and regular surgery is needed to cut out the tissues growing where they shouldn’t be. The best bet is a total hysterectomy which means taking out your whole uterus.

Pregnancy is even more difficult

Regular pregnancies are no walk in the park and they are even more difficult with endometriosis. Chances of getting pregnant are significantly lower than the average woman, and odds of a miscarriage, if you do, are way higher.

Most importantly, it’s not well-known

But it’s pretty common. Women across the world are routinely misdiagnosed or dismissed when they report symptoms of endometriosis. Thousands of doctors still dismiss the condition as just really bad period cramps. So if you think you have it and your doctor says otherwise the odds that he may be wrong are pretty high.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t show up in scans or tests and the only way to know for sure is a laparoscopy. Which is a surgery that involves inserting a small camera into your body through your belly button. No one knows your body better than you. If you are yet to be diagnosed but reading this left you with an eerily familiar feeling in your gut. Go see your doctor now.

And for all the women who continue to battle this debilitating condition, we are sending all the love and the warmest hugs.

If you have a friend or partner with endometriosis, here’s how you can help:

• First of all, never tell them you can relate because you too get painful period cramps. That’s like someone telling you their house is on fire and you replying you lost your favourite sweater in a fire once.
• Be there. On really bad days the pain is unimaginable, so just be there to cater to her whims. Whether it’s stroking her hair or buying a tub of icecream.
• Never dismiss their pain. The fact remains, you could never understand what they are going through.

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

In South Africa today, a woman is murdered every three hours. The statistics in Nigeria doesn’t match these numbers but we come close. These statistics are what you get when the culture of male violence against women is allowed to hit a climax. On this week’s #WhatSheSaid I talked to 7 women about their experiences with male violence in situations ranging from relationships to just taking a stroll.

Stories of women encountering violence when doing something as mundane as trying to park a car are not only angering but terrifying. While the responsibility of ending this violence falls on the men who perpetrate it, we’ll do the only thing we can – continue to share our stories.

For talking to another man.

We were in a relationship. We got into a pretty serious argument about some other guy that had been moving to me as we were walking down the road and he pushed me to the ground and kept walking. I scraped my knee. The crazy part is I got up and started running after him to beg. See love will make you foolish.

For parking my car.

He said he was about to park in the space and that I came out of nowhere to take his parking space. He was already by my car screaming before I got out, but I had no plans to engage. When I got out he stood in my way and won’t let me pass. I didn’t say anything I just tried to push pass him and he pushed me back unto my car. He did it two more times before someone intervened.

As a joke

It was a small slap we were arguing about something silly and he said, “Shut up jo. What are you saying?”and slapped me. Everyone I told about it said it wasn’t a big deal, that he was just playing, but it raised alarm bells in my head. People have a weird perception of what a violent relationship is supposed to look like. It’s like if there are no bruises or physical evidence then it’s not real. When I told a friend that he hit me, she was like “When, where?” I told her my face and she said I don’t see anything. 

During a verbal argument.

We weren’t dating; we weren’t even that close we were just arguing at a house party and “I’ll slap you, oya slap me now” turned into an actual slap. I was expecting everyone at the party to react or say something, to come to my defence, even kick him out, there was just awkward silence after it happened. I didn’t even react, I didn’t say anything because if I had opened my mouth, I’d have started crying. 

For passing through the market

Every weekday, after a long day of work, I have to pass through Yaba Market to get home. This is tedious because the market is always overcrowded with pedestrians, drivers, market sellers and buyers. It’s especially worse because the market sellers — the men — do not understand boundaries. They grab me, or any other woman passing through by our arms, hold our shoulders, link their fingers in ours etc. It’s infuriating. I always cuss them out, but they end up pushing me, insulting and cursing me. And this happens every single weekday. They’re never apologetic; they feel like they have a right to my body or personal space. It scares me to stay at work later than daylight because that means I might be met with an even worse fate.

For being assertive.

If I’m being honest, I saw signs of violence when we were dating. He slapped me once, but I forgave him. Between 1997 when I got married and 2005 when I left, he beat me on average, once a month. He was always angry with me, because I’m an assertive person who believes I should have a say in my marriage. He said I should only be seen, not heard. Whenever I disagreed with him, I earned a beating. On one occasion he threw a lit lantern at me. In another instance, he held a knife to my head.

He was just fond of beating me.

We never got married but we lived together. He promised he’d come and see my people, but he never did. He was fond of beating me. I remember vividly, a day he beat me and packed all my clothes and burnt them. It was neighbours and friends that gave me clothes to wear. After that, I went back to my father’s place with my children. He came to beg and promised to stop but he never did. One day I reported to his friend. That angered him, he came back home, beat me thoroughly and asked me to pack and leave his house.