Tobi Smith, Author at Zikoko!

For every church in Nigeria, there’s always something you know them for. From bells, to private jets to red berets each one has its own. We made a list that you can’t help but agree with

1. The Celestial Church starter pack

2. The Deeper Life starter pack

3. The Christ Embassy starter pack

4. The Chosen starter pack

5. The Jehovah Witnesses starter pack

6. The Mountain of Fire starter pack

7. The Redeemed starter pack

8. The Synagogue starter pack

9. The Winners Chapel Starter pack
1. The Strict Mother

She never stops shouting Will come into your room and leave your door open She talks to you with her eyes alone and you get it
2. The Caring and Overprotective Mother

Most caring mother Has never beaten you once Will beg you to be a responsible child, and not forget where you’re from
3. The Emotional Mother

She can cry you a river or a waterfall When you do something wrong she will cry till you feel horrible Your dad pampers her all the time
4. The Hyper Mother

She has your back when your teachers are messing up Ride or die mother Once you please her,she has your back with your dad
5. The “Over-Extrovert” Mother

Is at every party in the estate Will probably embarrass you when you both are outside She thinks she dresses better than your girlfriend
6. The “Razor Mouth” Mother

Nobody messes with her She has probably insulted all the teachers that don’t like you She has a lucrative lace business
7. The Christian Mother
She will keep you at morning devotion for one hour Is an expert at telling you not to do early relationships Can give you her last money to have fun
8. The Young Mother

Nobody believes she is your mum All your guy friends like coming to visit you Your sisters like her cause she knows how to gist
9. The 21st Century Mother

Cooks the best food for real All your friends like coming to visit for food Manages to run two businesses at the same time
10. The Newly Born Again Mother

She used to be a party person She is now a deaconess Can insult the life out of people, but she’s born again now
11. The Generous Mother

She will sell her jewellry to send you to school Her daughter-in-law loves her so much Will give the best advice at anytime
12. The Fighting Mother

She has 10 kobokos Her daughter-in-law is tired of life She wants to live with her sons all year long
1. The Super Wise Father

Is the oldest in his family Your uncles always send their kids to your house for counseling and advice He will tell you 100 proverbs before you get your allowance
2. The IJGB Wannabe Father

He has been to USA just once He never ceases to bring it up in every convo He thinks he is still young and popping at 67
3. The International Father

He is never around He will give you gifts and dollars too Everyone wants to get to his level
4. The Comedian Father

You will never catch him angry He makes a joke out of everything When you fail an exam, he will say “can you at least pass the salt on the table?”
5. The Social Father

Everybody invites him everywhere He is always talking of joining politics someday Will tell you it’s cool to bring your girlfriend home
6. The Shady Father

He is always angry He jokes about using either you or your siblings for blood money His wife is always begging him to go to church
7. The Posh Father

He never looks old Your mum always keeps a watchful eye on his phone He never beats you, just talks gently to you
8. The Strict Father

He has given you a 7PM curfew You must marry only from your tribe There is nothing like allowance increase in his dictionary
9. The Neighborhood Bigman Father

Throws an owambe every two weeks He will pay your school fees and give you half of it for allowance He will want to find a wife/husband for you himself
10. The Street Father

None of your teachers can touch you He usually comes home late at night He may have reset your destiny with a slap or two
1. How your class is on a regular day at anytime

Everywhere in commotion.
2. How it is when someone shouts “principal is coming”

Because nobody wants to ride okada.
3. Your principal’s motto

They did not care to listen to what happened.
4. Your principal at the PTA meeting about to tell the parents how useless you have all been

The man won’t even code the bad gist at all.
5. When you hear “the principal is calling you in his office”

Jesus Christ. What is it again.
6. That photo in his office of when one white man came to your school

Very proud moment for him.
7. All the students when the principal says the hostel food will get better

Yeah right. And the exchange rate will be N1 to $1 as well.
8. Every principal had a framed photo of himself and his friends at conference

We don’t even understand.
9. What it feels like when your principal is trying to famz the students

This man sef.
10. When inspectors come and your principal is forming “best guy”

Can these people go so we can continue our lives.
11. Your principal and his vice principals on inter-house sports day

Embarrassing the whole school.
12. The unofficial cap of principals

Only God knows when last they washed it.
13. You when you think you have outsmarted your principal

Amoshine!
14. Your principal, when he knows visiting day is coming and he will see your parents

The way he will twist the story.
1. When mock exams are over

And you thought you did well.
2. Then mock results came out

My God. 20/100.
3. So you realize you cannot do this on your own

Na only me waka come?
4. You, looking for who has sure dubs

I cannot stay at home for one year abeg.
5. When your parents start telling you about having straight A’s

These ones want to kill me.
6. When you hear rumors about dubs being available

Where??? It’s lit!
7. You, with the person that is going to provide the whole class dubs for WAEC and NECO

Our lives are in his hands.
8. You and your squad when the teacher is doing final revision

Who revision don help.
9. And you know there are sure dubs waiting in the hostel that night

Winning.
10. 10PM and you hear the dubs are in the hostel ready to be shared

I cannot come and carry last.
11. Writing every single letter and question mark as someone is reading it out

About to win the award for most A’s.
12. So you stay up studying it

Because, last hope.
13. You, in the exam hall waiting for the paper to start

Let me kill this thing and move to objective.
14. When you hear someone shout “Jesus Christ”

It’s all over.
15. And you don’t see any of the questions in the supposed “sure dubs”

So this is how I become a dropout.
16. When WAEC results finally come out

You don’t even know how to tell yourself, talk less of your parents.
1. When your coworker wants you to come and pick him/her every morning

Are you buying me fuel?
2. When Wale from head office is always coming 40 minutes late for every meeting

We that came here early, do we have three heads?
3. That coworker that is always over excited

What is always “sweeting” this one?
4. Monday morning and someone has body odor enough to suffocate

My God. Has water finished in your side of this country?
5. Office people and minding their business

They don’t go together.
6. When one of your coworkers is always asking you out to dinner

You’ve been getting ‘no’ since 2014. You no dey tire?
7. When one of your coworkers is always coming for advice

Every time one problem or the other.
8. When you realize you actually wasted your time advising them

Please don’t come and disturb me ever again.
9. When someone removes his/her shoe and renders the air unsafe

Why do you do this everyday?
10. When Emeka from customer care is never at his desk but everywhere else

Is there soldier ant on your seat?
11. You when the SU of the office is always trying to invite you for fellowship

Ahan, is it not the same heaven we are going?
12. That coworker that is always kissing the ass of all the ogas

You no dey tire?
13. When Haruna always shows up with Sallah meat

SURE GUY!
14. When you see the serial money borrower coming to your desk

I’m not even here.
15. Those coworkers that want to take the shine when they didn’t do anything

If you don’t get out.
1. When you get your employment letter

We are not mates anymore.
2. First day of work and you hear you can only leave at 8PM

Sah, did you say eight as in 8PM?
3. During your training and you hear the kind of target they have

It’s not me that will go to the marketing department abeg.
4. When they end up putting you in the marketing department

Nobody said the road will be this rough.
5. And they tell you your target is N350 million

Must be a mistake, prank, or an expensive joke.
6. But you hear Chioma in marketing brought N400 million last quarter

Na jazz?
7. So you start wondering if bank work is worth it

My photographer and fashion designer friends are not having this stress.
8. You and your social life

Because no time to even sleep properly.
9. Waking up at 4AM and still getting caught up in traffic

This is just pure stress.
10. When you get to work 200% frustrated and Shola from customer service wants to crack jokes

Please, not today or anyday this week.
11. When one customer is getting impatient after only two minutes

Eskiss sir, you need to calm down abeg.
12. You, when people come to withdraw N500 over the counter

Are you being serious? For real?
13. When customer Musa always fills tellers wrong and runs away with your biro

What sort of people are in this world?
14. When your coworker removes his shoe and you can’t breathe again

My God, what is this stench?
15. You when your balances are not matching at the end of the day.

This is the end.
16. When they tell you your major account holder wants to close his account

Please sah. Epp.
1. “You don fat oh”

Somebody cannot eat and add small weight again.
2. “You no dey chop?”

They don’t even care if you are doing Fitfam.
3. “When are you going to find husband?”

Oga oh!
4. “Didn’t you pay the tailor complete?”

For when your dress is too short… by Nigerian standards.
5. “Is this your cloth original?”

It’s my tailor that made it abeg.
6. “Who sent you?”

When you have done more than yourself.
7. “You too dey chop!”

Comments that make you lose your appetite.
8. “God will do your own oh”

Especially when you congratulate them on getting engaged.
9. “You don get belle?”

It’s now a crime to sleep in the afternoon, abi?
10. “Where is your home training?”

Just leave the place and go and cry.
11. “If only you read your books like you press your phone”

After this, you just have to get all A’s the next semester.
12. “It’s like something is worrying you”

This one will make you look in the mirror and think.
13. “Beggy Beggy go and buy your own”

This is when you understand why Baba God needs to pick up.
14. “It’s not your fault o”

You start asking yourself where you went wrong.
15. “Can you see your life?”

*covers head in shame*
1. Christmas season and you realize you are 20kgs heavy

I will start working out next year, by God’s grace.
2. Your New Year’s resolution list on January 1

I am ready!
3. Your browser history for the first week of the year

Lets lose this weight and be fit!
4. So you drive around looking for a good gym

Let me find the one, with plenty fat people, like me.
5. You when you finally find a gym that you like

This year is my year of physical fitness!
6. Now it is time to look for workout partners

But all your friends are lazy, and only one of them is interested.
7. The night before your first day at the gym

Nobody can stop me now.
8. When you go to the gym two days in a row

Get fit or die trying.
9. You, after working out for one week straight

Where are the muscles and six packs?
10. Then someone says you have to add healthy eating

So you mean all my exercise won’t work?
11. Your first week of healthy eating

My body is perfect. Flawless.
12. After three weeks of healthy eating and working out

My body is kind of tired.
13. When your workout partner sees you at Chicken Republic

See casting!
14. Two days to the end of January

Today is my cheat day.
15. You, chasing your summer body and food at the same time

The Struggle.
16. When you realize you haven’t been to the gym in four weeks

See ehn. I will start again before summer.
17. When it’s May and your friends say it’s ok to give up your fitfam goals

Fake friends.
18. June 1 and you realize your tummy has doubled in size

Okay, next year is another time to start afresh! Countdown!
1. When you buy something and you hear “oga make I keep the change”

Don’t let the devil use you.

2. When someone invites you to go and eat but says “bring your wallet”

Thanks. I’m not hungry.

3. “The Aso Ebi will be N35,000 and N9,000 for gele”

I think I have something similar at home.

4. When it is time to buy Christmas gifts for people

I don’t really celebrate Christmas like that.

5. When you walk into a shop but the prices are not smiling

“Do you have the golden reddish brown color?”

6. When your friends ask you when next you are going to the club

I always have malaria every friday night please.

7. When you get asked why you are single

Relationships are expensive abeg.

8. When you are driving past Chicken Republic or KFC

There is rice and new stew at home.

9. What your phone charger looks like

Because, it is still working.

10. You, at any owambe now that tomato don cost

Leave me o! Let me just do breakfast, lunch and supper here.

11. When you see an indicator light on the dashboard of your car

After I pray and anoint the car, it will be okay.

12. How you feel when it’s time to pay your rent and bills at the same time

My God, why?

13. When you see an item you really want

I still have one at home I am managing.

14. When you hear the price for a show is N10,000 for a regular ticket

I don’t think I will be able to make it.
1. Every time somebody asked you what you wanted to be in life

Because everybody must be a doctor or engineer.

2. When you got to JSS 3 and your parents were now interested in your education

See these people.

3. When they ask you what class you want to be in

Do you want to be in science, or science class?

4. But they hear you whisper art or commercial

So who will now be a doctor in this house?

5. So you end up in science class for SS 1

God why?

6. First further math class

My God! As if Math wasn’t hard enough, they decided to further it.

7. Then your physics teacher is the worst person

What is my business with two cars accelerating? Who distance/time don epp?

8. When you can’t understand how the periodic table and elements will bring money

Can we just call it salt? What is NaCl?

9. With all your problems they decide to add technical drawing

Can you not?

10. The day your parents suggest you get a lesson teacher

At my age?

11. When you see your mates in commercial and art class having free periods

Do these ones have two heads?

12. When you hear that exam timetable is out

What do you mean the term is ending soon?

13. You, in the exam hall

What is everybody using french curve to draw?

14. When your parents ask you to show them your result

Let’s just be grateful for the gift of life.

15. When your parents finally let you go back to your true love

Hello commercial/art class. I have missed you.
1. When your meat pie visits the best MUA in the whole state

https://www.instagram.com/p/BCWHF5DKuf1/?taken-by=thelmzkitchen
See that highlight!
2. Bread and Akara that has done plastic surgery and is now Kim Kardashian

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGreF_3QyNr/?taken-by=dishes_by_chefjess&hl=en
Is that you Bread and Akara???
3. When your Puff Puff has gone abroad to do masters and comes back

This one is not your mate anymore.
4. Eba and Efo Riro that is now working with NNPC

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGZgV3IQyIR/?taken-by=dishes_by_chefjess&hl=en
You are not on the same pay grade.
5. Yam and Stew that has opened business and does contracts with Aso Rock

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGthdBkp-M2/?taken-by=phummyndeps&hl=en
Respect it.
6. The Yam Porridge that will steal your boyfriend one day

https://www.instagram.com/p/BE1DCIuOjOQ/?taken-by=foodace&hl=en
We now understand why Esau sold his birthright.
7. Your favorite and best MUA cannot contour your face as fine as this Eba

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGjQhhCJ-DK/?taken-by=phummyndeps&hl=en
Just agree.
8. This is the Suya your mallam does not want you to see

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFgh0qmwyAS/?taken-by=dishes_by_chefjess&hl=en
He said “it just wants to spoil our relationship”.
9. This Asun and Boli just got endorsed by a telecom company

https://www.instagram.com/p/BD9IEkzDHxl/?taken-by=playm8z
No contest here. It has changed levels.
10. This Moinmoin won the American lottery and drives a 2016 Range now

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFHNKjQp-H0/?taken-by=phummyndeps&hl=en
Hello, from the other side.
11. This is the Ewa Agoyin that changed from Grammar school to Lekki British

It will collect your girlfriend at inter-house sport.
12. The Ogbono soup that stepped up her game after she broke up with you

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEWeoB-QyOA/?taken-by=dishes_by_chefjess&hl=en
You can’t get her anymore.
13. The Fried Rice that won a N200 Million Promo

It will soon move to Banana Island.
14. This Peppered Snail that is now a starboy and has done a song with Drake

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDlc2NzJ-EG/?taken-by=phummyndeps&hl=en
Baba God has picked up for it.
1. When you resume for the new term and the gateman is being too friendly

Excuse me Sir, wyd.
2. So you have to tell your parents to settle him

Please mummy just drop N1000 for him.
3. Because you are about to be a rascal for the whole term

It’s about to be lit.
4. But then your mum is not a corrupt person

And you know the whole term is going to be hell.
5. Your gateman when you are nearing the gate

Who goes there?!
6. So you and your squad have to go and think of a plan

We have to go out of school today by all means
7. When you try to approach your gateman to show him your exeat

Guy, calm down.
8. Trying to explain to him that you have an exeat to go out

Not under my watch.
9. So you have to start “toasting” him

Oga Samuel! The one and only! How is the family now?
10. So he starts cracking jokes and telling you his life story

Oh my God! Not today again.
11. When he is threatening to report you to the principal

Please abeg, what have I done?
12. And then he finally tells you “anything for the children”

So you could not say that one since.
1. The Razz Girlfriend

Will embarass you in public You can’t take her out Her boyfriend is probably named Sege
2. The Lowkey Most Wanted Girlfriend

Nobody knows who she is dating But everybody still wants her She has different boyfriends she doesn’t even know about
3. The Fortunate Girlfriend

Everybody likes her and pities her Can give you 40% of her salary if she loves you Once you break up with her good things start happening to her
4. The Role Model Girlfriend

Is dating a rich guy Has the best and perfect relationship She is your boyfriend’s WCW
5. The Talkative Girlfriend

Wants to talk all the time Is always making grammar mistakes Can still steal your boyfriend
6. The “our wife” Girlfriend

Is very pretty and liked by everyone Will cook for her boyfriend and his friends Cries a lot when she is maltreated
7. The Patient Girlfriend

Treats her boyfriend right all the time Will forgive you if you cheat Only if you sing “African Queen” three times
8. The Greedy Girlfriend

Cannot keep her eyes somewhere Always looking for some special type of boyfriend called Johnny She will use all your money for funny hairstyles
9. The Family’s Favorite Girlfriend

Is the best girlfriend Her boyfriend’s mother and her are best friends Her boyfriend likes to call her “my wife”
10. The Gist Bank Girlfriend

Has every human beings gist Will tell you who your boyfriend is cheating on you with Will show you her expensive bag when you ask “where is your boyfriend?”
11. The Relationship Advisor Girlfriend

Will tell you what to do to have the best relationship Always has relationship problems Can dress well and steal your man at your own wedding
12. The Secret Girlfriend

Will dress better than the host at any party Can help you date your boyfriend Knows how to run a catering business
13. The Angry Girlfriend

She probably pressured her boyfriend into a relationship Can beat you up and cause trouble if you don’t propose quickly Will break up with you and block you on instagram if you smile to another girl
14. The Sure Girlfriend

Comes from a rich family Spoils her boyfriend whenever she can Your boyfriend is probably in her inbox
1. When you wake up and remember you have to drive to work

Stress!
2. Starting your car and you see four new indicator lights on

Na wa oh!
3. So you have to pray for the car with everything you have

This car will take me to work in Jesus name.
4. Driving as carefully as possible

Because any small bump is suicidal for your car.
5. Checking the road every 100 meters to see if there are potholes

Shock absorber don cost.
6. When people invite you for a gathering you have to drive to

Not today pls, my grandfathers grandson died we are burying him today.
7. You when you’re passing by your mechanic

What is a mechanic?
8. But then nemesis catches up with you and the car won’t start

Even after all my prayers and anointing oil. I’m not crying.
9. Your mechanic when he sees you stranded checking your bonnet

Mr playing hide and seek. Mr Mechanic avoider. Dodging all the mechanics. Managing the car like a manager.
10. So you have to head to your mechanic

Have mercy oh, Oga Samuel
11. When your mechanic starts calling out everything that is wrong with your car

All these things, only this small car.
12. Calculating the least amount of money you can spend

Servicing: N5k, brake pad: N6k, injector cleaning: N5k.
13. You trying to negotiate with your mechanic

Please abeg, epp me.
14. When you end up driving away with a half serviced car

Let me go and manage it abeg.
1. The Joker Boyfriend

Never takes you or anything serious Is always joking Asks you “where did you put it?” when you say “I didn’t see my period”.
2. The Community Boyfriend

Always boasts of his abilities in bed. Nobody knows who he’s really dating Different girls keep claiming him.
3. The All Seeing Boyfrend

He can see everything He only has to look at you to know what you need or want. Best guy. He can even see when you are lying.
4. The Rich Boyfriend

He always brags about how much money he has to everybody. Will take you shopping in Dubai. Will give you monthly allowance if you’re his baby mama.
5. The Most Sought AFter Boyfriend

Everybody wants him. His girlfriend is tired of seeing heart emojis on his Instagram page. Too many women make him their MCM.
6. The Fruitful One Time Boyfriend

Swears he loves his girl. Any girl he hangs out with, is in the maternity ward nine months later. Nobody understands why or how.
7. The Happening Boyfriend

This guy is everywhere. His girlfriend is always proud of him. Every girl wants to be with him because he is very popular. Only bad part is he likes to be petty on the internet.
8. The Lowkey Boyfriend

He is an alright guy. Nobody cares about him. His girlfriend is never worried about him cheating because other girls don’t think he is good enough.
9. The Faithful Boyfriend

He is attractive, girls throw themselves at him. He is never involved in woman wahala. He adores his baby mama, and flaunts her at intervals.
10. The Crazy Boyfriend

Girls that he has moved to think he acts strange a lot. His girlfriend is afraid of him and he is unpredictable. He could wake up and start ringing a bell for no reason.
11. The New Boyfriend

Is new to the dating scene. His one and only relationship is a hit. He keeps spoiling his girl with good gifts. Other girls tell their boyfriends to be like him.
12. The Eligible Bachelor

Everyone knows he is single, but also feels he has a girlfriend. Is always a groomsman Refuses to comment on his relationship status. Under G guy.
13. The Greedy Boyfriend

Has the best girlfriend in the world. His girl is proud of him Always asking God for more.
14. The Confused Boyfriend

Nobody understands this kind of guy. He claims he has a girlfriend Acts like he is a girlfriend sometimes.
15. The “It Was Only One Time”Boyfriend

Is always everywhere Can sleep around if he wants Believes it takes more than once to get a girl pregnant
16. The Annoying Boyfriend

Gives the best relationship advice Lives on the internet Will date you for 10 years
1. When you get to a new school

And you can’t wait to meet and make new friends.

2. Two weeks into resumption and you don’t have a school father yet

After all the letters and provisions I gave these seniors.

3. When a senior calls “last ju”

I must not carry last.

4. And then it is your unlucky day

You’re the last person on the line because you were eating cornflakes.

5. When the senior asks you what you were doing

Senior, I don’t know. I was eating.

6. When the senior finishes your thick soakings in front of you

Jesus Christ. After begging for milk from the whole hostel.

7. And then tells you to go and make another one

What is this life? And this senior wants to make heaven.

8. When you are watching the tap to make sure no senior is there

Before they say I should fetch water and fill the lagoon.

9. You and your food and provisions on visiting day

All these hungry seniors.

10. Whenever you hear seniors are coming back from prep

Can’t they stay in school and read all night?

11. And you know you are going to spend the night under a bunk

Who brought me to this school again?

12. When one senior tells you to help him wash one small cloth

*cries in finished omo*

13. When you hear a senior say he is hungry

I’m not here abeg.

14. When you hear that the senior that bullies you got suspended

God don catch am.

15. When one senior finally decides to be your school father

God bless you sah!

16. When you finally become a senior

All you juniors must suffer what I suffered.
This was arguably the best drama series on television back in the days. Nobody missed it. If you were one of the die hard fans you will understand these.
1. When it is closing time on Thursday

All roads lead to the house, see you all later.
2. Trying to figure out the best and fastest route to take home

I must get home before 8PM.
3. The whole family waiting for 8:00 PM in the living room

Can this show start already?
4. And then NEPA decides to take light at 7:30 PM

OH JESUS CHRIST!
5. But you bought fuel the day before, just in case

NEPA you can keep your light. Who’s the boss now?
6. What the streets look like during Super Story time

Not one single human being outside.
7. Your parents during the “last week on your award winning Super Story” line

If I hear pim from anybody.
8. The whole family when the theme music is going on

Where the fish drownsssss, and even die of thirstttttt, this is Super Story!!
9. We all wanted to slap this guy through the screen

Suara the ungrateful husband.
10. Everybody’s favorite person

Abike from “Oh Father Oh Daughter”.
11. The worst

Toyin Tomato husband snatcher. Gold digger goals.
12. You knew this guy was always up to no good

Mr corrupt policeman or thief, just know he was the bad person.
13. You knew this was the default “chief”

Every time, and he was always rich.
14. This was always the mother of the house

Very calm woman. Usually suggests her son should marry another wife.
15. The girl that always came from grass to grace

Everytime! She needs to come and show us her secret.
16. When Super Story did those short series with only four episodes

Is this what we are here for please?
17. Everybody at the end of every series

It’s wind in my eyes, I’m not crying.
18. When it was time for the “wise word of the week”

The utter deepeness. Words of wisdom.
Making a movie in Nigeria is serious business. You really don’t need a lot of experience to make one. If you’ve ever wondered how to make one we made a guide for you.
1. First of all, make sure your movie poster tells the whole story

Don’t leave any chance to the viewers to guess how the movie goes, if possible narrate the film on the poster.
2. Quickly make a movie about anything that happens in the news

Be fast, be the first person to make it so you can make enough money.
3. Make sure you include an intro scene irrelevant to the movie

Intro scene should be about a plane flying or a farm in the village. Anything works.
4. Include a 10 minute scene of cars driving from one end of Lagos to the other

Maybe to show off the beautiful potholes and traffic sellers, always include funny background music too.
5. Put like ten passerby scenes and three scenes with a car reversing

Because you must include all your family members in the cast. Charity begins at home.
6. Whoever is singing the theme music must narrate the whole movie with it

If you don’t listen well, you an’t understand the movie.
7. There must be a gateman scene

No matter what the movies is about make sure you add that scene. The gateman must also try to be funny
8. Carry only one or two bags when you are moving out

Even if you have been living there for the past 20 years.
9. Find a way to include a mother-in-law in the movie plot

Yes you guessed it. She must be wicked too.
10. Remind your actors and actresses to use funny accents

Mix British and American with a little Jamaican accent in one sentence for the international community.
11. Somebody must be poisoned

“After the poison is added to the food, taste it. Okay? Action!”
12. You must have a housegirl

This is one important rule. Never forget, because who will break a plate and get punished or sleep with oga.
13. If your movie does not have witchcraft and babalawos you haven’t started

Witches must wear black or red, voodoo priests must paint one eye with chalk. Be consistent.
14. Your actors must shout, if you don’t shout you are not acting well

Maybe the microphone is always bad, we don’t understand.
15. There has to be a slap scene

At least one epic slap must happen please. It spices up the movie. (The person receiving the slap must say “did you slap me?”).
16. Give an illiterate the subtitles to do

It costs too much to pay a professional to do it, and you must save money. If the viewers don’t like it, they will manage it like that.
17. Now divide the storyline into four parts

Parts I-IV. You can give the titles different names so people would know. Make enough money on a story that should last 10 minutes.
18. Don’t forget the most important part of the movie ending

Without it your movie is useless.
Fulfilling your dream or doing what you want in a Nigerian home is like eliminating corruption in Nigeria. It’s kind of impossible for the most. We made a list of all the challenges you can ever face on this path.
1. When you decide what you want to be finally

And it’s not in line with what your parents have decided for you.
2. But then you want to be different

You decide it is time to be bold and stand up for yourself
3. So you have to strategize on how to talk to and approach your parents

Should I tell Uncle Kola or Aunty Chioma to go with me?
4. But your uncles and aunties are not having it

“It’s not me and you, go and meet your father and tell him yourself”.
5. So you summon courage and gather liver

But your liver is kind of shaky and you aren’t sure.
6. First roadblock – “are you okay upstairs?”

The worst happens. Your father has disagreed.
7. Your mother says “your father is the one paying your school fees go and meet him”

Oh God! And she decides to stand by your father’s decision.
8. So your mother decides to be extra and take your matter up

Because she feels you are becoming rebellious and carrying shoulders up.
9. So Pastor David calls you for a four-hour counselling session

What is all this please?
10. Aunty Biodun, Uncle Emeka, the elders and the youth leader also follow up with counselling

All these counselling committees on top ordinary career change
11. But that’s not the end

There’s still more to come.
12. You decide to be independent, save up money and send yourself abroad for school

I believe I can do this. I will do this and surprise all of you.
13. But… the economy and getting a job

What a waste, how will I even save?
14. The Dollar rate is like $1 to N1,000

https://twitter.com/officialdaddymo/status/687769908684394496
Zero hope.
15. To top it off, the greatest enemy

You thought you would have it easy, they were waiting for you.
16. So you have to be humble and tell everyone you are sorry

Now it’s time to be whatever your family wants you to be. Sad!
1. When you make plans to go to bed early

Thinking you will get up refreshed and happy the next day
2. But then there is an interesting movie on Afmag Yoruba

Let me watch just half of it then go to bed.
3. 2 hours later and you are watching part two

Okay, this is the last I won’t stay up after this.
4. When you finally get in bed at 1:25 AM

Finally, I can sleep.
5. But there is serious activity on your timeline

Let me go and look at gist and not carry last.
6. You check the time and it’s 4AM

Where is the time running to now?
7. Two minutes of sleep later and your alarm goes off – it is 7AM

Oh God!
8. And the first thing you say is a curse word

ARRGHHHH!
9. But you’re still lying on your bed hoping it is all a dream

Nah, they are probably ringing a bell in this dream.
10. When it takes you approximately 20 minutes to get out of bed

Not leaving this bed today.
11. But then you remember you have work or class to go to

Why do we have all these responsibilities again?
12. When you think of faking your death to avoid work or class

But you realize you have to explain how you resurrected when it is time for salary.
13. So you have to drag yourself up and start your day

This doesn’t look like a good day ahead.
14. Then you remember you have to deal with annoying human beings

Can I just avoid everybody today please?
15. But no, everybody wants to talk to you that morning

PLEASEE LEAVE ME ALONE!!
16. And one particular person is way too happy with their good morning greetings

Can you please save it??
17. Or keeps asking you stupid questions

Father hold my lips and my hands.
18. So you spend your whole day thinking about your bed

I love you. I miss you. I will spend more time with you later tonight.
1. When you go to a restaurant and they are being childish with their prices

My dad drank Coke somewhere & wen he got d invoice Twas 750naira.. He refused 2 pay..) he Ask 4 d bottle, he wanted 2go buy it back for them
— A banter (@kingtobbie) January 15, 2016

2. When you need to let your girlfriend know the real you

https://twitter.com/aya__bee/status/686607709228167170

3. When your mum keeps nagging about “there’s no water in the house”

https://twitter.com/TheBaejiri/status/641262039512580097

4. Sometimes let your children pay you back for all the school fees you’ve paid

My dad only drinks freshly squeezed orange juice. Abeg guage what they brought for me to squeeze oh. pic.twitter.com/lHIB8oMCXK
— Jola (@Jollz) January 5, 2016

5. When you are tired of always being the one to change over when NEPA brings light

When nepa brings light and nobody wants to go and change over https://t.co/IZX62UpPvO
— Tobi (@TheTobiSmith) April 22, 2016

6. When you get free entry abroad and they want to take it away from you

https://twitter.com/iamtheayology/status/714784469518000130

7. When you think you snuck out of the house perfectly but your dad had plans

My cousin went for a concert and next thing the DJ was like "Tolu, your father is waiting for you at the car park" 😂😂😂😂😂😂😭😂😭😂😂😂
— lollapalooza • نسيمة (@NassPepper) March 27, 2016

8. When your Nigerian mum is too big to say I love you

https://twitter.com/drchubbyy/status/680475913088307201

9. How to let your boyfriend know he is being annoying

https://twitter.com/Thelmzkitchen_/status/704694298625888257?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

10. Petty goals 100

https://twitter.com/0lisa_/status/722108703424520193

11. When you don’t like the amount for the entrance fee so you get petty about it

https://twitter.com/TheFimi/status/722744566940614656

12. When you need to troll rival football teams’ fans

https://twitter.com/gabesu/status/718785425989570560

13. When you need your company to improve your salary payment

Don't know why HR is frowning that I am bringing fufu to work from the house , if you had paid me for last month I might have ordered KFC.
— 🐘 (@TheGreyHunter) November 5, 2015

14. When you get tired of our president flying upandan

Buhari needs to tell us the album he dropped that deserves such a world tour .
— kenna (@kennagq) April 7, 2016

15. When the restaurant was being childish with the food presentation

I guess the leaf is a sign of peace. Incase riot happens when you're eating. You just show the rioters your leaf. pic.twitter.com/m0HqRAlgHE
— Ibe (@maziibe_) October 5, 2015

16. When you are asked to describe your ex

https://twitter.com/unjamal/status/699101367303073792

17. Nigerian mums don’t play around either

https://twitter.com/semilooreakoni/status/698252563561447426

18. The ladies too don’t play with Valentine’s Day gifts

https://twitter.com/missigho/status/695332170479636484
1. When somebody confuses your school with ISI

Take your time please. Don’t let the devil use you.
2. When principal is cracking his never ending dry jokes

OYIIIIII
3. When Mrs Bello starts not minding her business as usual

Please ma face your front. It’s not your concern.
4. When you see your seniors collecting grinds in the name of choreography

OSHEY BADDEST WE CAN SEE YOU UNO.
5. When on your birthday you have to buy BBQ for every one of your friends

Oh God. All these expenses.
6. And you know they will still bathe you with sand and water

Ungrateful elements.
7. When as a JSS1 student you can work in SS1 block

We may be in the same class but I am not your mate now.
8. When JSS2 and JSS3 or SS1 and SS2 students are fighting

*grabs popcorn* it is about to be real.
9. When you have secured a babe to dance with at the school dance

Let me teach you guys how this is done
10. When you get to dance with the most girls at the school dance

Call me the chicks man.
11. When you as a girl have been defending all the guys and don’t get a gift on valentines day

What is this life? What did I do to deserve this?
12. When you narrowly escaped death by flogging because you were in the toilet

I serve a living God.
13. When Mr Adeyemi tells you to write “I will never do ___again” 1,000 times

This must be child abuse.
14. When you realize Mr. Mbaso is the one to flog you

Tell my parents I love them. It has been real. Peace out.
15. When you get caught stabbing class but then you stab it again

Because you are a bad guy and education is never that serious.
Making a Christian music video in Nigeria is not a joking matter. You have to get your message across in the regular fashion. If you ever want to make a music video for a Christian song, you have to do the following things.
1. Make sure your stage name has Jesus in it so we stay focused

Anything Jesus works. Pasuma Jesus, Rihanna Jesus so far it has Jesus inside you’re good to go.
2. Use the first forty seconds to just mess around while the soundtrack plays

Of course you paid for the beat, and the camera man so let your audience enjoy just random scenes.
3. Tell a brief story or introduction to what your video is going to be about

What the song is meant for, who it is meant for and maybe the Lord’s prayer,
4. Make sure you show your dancers are wearing church approved clothes

Because Christian music, Christian clothes, cover up well. Look like Mary.
5. Add an element of surprise

Because Jesus can just come out in the video without warning
6. Another surprise: doves can fly out at anytime

7. Set your autotune to 100

Who wants to listen to a natural voice? Please let your voice sound supernatural like its not from Earth.
8. Always include “in the studio” scene

So we don’t doubt that it is you that really sang the song.
9. CARRY YOUR BIBLE

Yo have to let your viewers know it is a Christian music video in case they forgot.
10. Make sure your choreography looks funny

This will probably make people continue watching the videos till the end.
11. For your location either use a church, beach or somewhere in the bush

It must either reflect nature, or church or you can use a ridiculous background.
12. Always put somebody wearing all white in there

We think it is to represent purity, as per Christians are pure.
13. Make sure the whole crew is wearing the same thing

To represent brothers or sisters in the Lord.
14. If there is no choir the video is pointless

Because we will sing as a choir in Heaven. Always remind people.
We all know the economy is really tight and everyone wants another source of income. If you have ever thought of starting a church, we read your mind. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to start your own money-spinning church.
You need to answer the call of ‘God’

Just find that call from anywhere or make up a story. “I was pricing fish and the fish said…”.
Also find a way to involve your wife because team ministry

She has to make up her own story. “So when I was cleaning the fish, I saw a letter from God inside…”
Select your own hairstyle identity

Of course, how else will your church members know which hairstyle to do?
Select the dress code for yourself and your church

It has to be a uniform something. Either dress down casual, club attire, turtleneck, show back, bikini etc. God looks at the heart don’t worry.
Take members from your current church or from anybody’s church

It doesn’t matter, we will all enter the same heaven.
Now you have to assemble your team of pastors

Of course you cannot do it alone. Only one LASTMA official can’t be at a checkpoint.
Gather a fire praise and worship group

IF NIGERIANS CANNOT SHOKI OR DAB IN YOUR CHURCH THEY WON’T COME! Don’t play yourself.
Select your marketing plan or start a crusade

You need to appeal to the Nigerian challenges and problems because this life is hard.
Don’t forget to collect seed offerings and pledges at your crusade

How else do you want to pay your pastors and buy your car?
Visit your members every weekend if you can

How else will you trap them and make them come back?
Find a way to get on the news or TV

Go to a cemetery, raise the dead, or heal 100 “crippled” people even if they were in good health.
Invite one popular pastor or three for a life-changing, power-packed event at a stadium

Of course, you need to draw attention and bring other new members one way or the other.
DON’T FORGET TO COLLECT OFFERINGS TEN TIMES

You need to raise money for the invited guests flights and hotel rooms. That private jet won’t buy itself.
Encourage your members to buy you good gifts (must be expensive)

From 2016 Prado, to Range Rovers, maybe a jet. All color white because you must represent purity always.
Open a School

Secondary school, university, anything. Or even both. Added revenue. Say bye bye to poverty forever. Thank us later.
Living within a Nigerian home, it is super difficult not to inherit or learn some traits from your parents. When you start doing the following things you will totally realize you are like your mother.
1. When you start spending 10 hours in the market pricing fish

Trying to get the cheapest price and keeping everyone waiting and hungry at home.
2. When you start falling asleep on the couch but never want to admit it

“No, I’m not sleeping I’m still watching this channel”.
3. When your side eye game is on a 100

Side eyes that can melt a human being, make people shake and start confessing.
4. When you start using Nigerian proverbs

“The child that says his mother will not sleep will not even be able to doze”.
5. When you start over packing for any small trip

Ordinary 3 days you have four whole boxes, two portmanteaus and two handbags.
6. When you start saying things like “pass me my kini jor!”

“Chisom, pass me this kini that beside by right hand” , “see that kini over there bring it”.
7. All of a sudden you start saying “this girl/boy has no home training”

“Why is that girl behaving like she does not have parents?”. Oshey most home trained.
8. When you never miss any church service and then stay for three extra hours

First, second, third, services, midweek you are there. Taking “I will dwell in the house of the Lord” too serious.
9. When you start side-eyeing girls whose outfits are showing small breast

See how that sister’s skirt has slit longer than 3rd Mainland.
10. When you fight with bae and he says sorry and you open your mouth to say “sorry for yourself”

Because you have heard your mum say it a thousand times to you.
11. Your market pricing skills are so good no market woman likes you again

It is N4500 ma last price, “I saw it for N700 down the road oh but you gree N1000?”.
12. Travelling abroad and the first thing in your head is elubo, garri, maggi

You can’t even form tush small again.
13. Before you only used to shout small, now every small thing you start screaming

WHO SHIFTED THIS FORK FROM THE TABLE??
14. When you start using “children of these days”

Start talking like a grandma.
15. When you start expecting people to understand eye signals

“Can’t you see I am telling you to pick up the plate with my eyes?”.
16. When you have your own children and you start saying “I didn’t kill my mother so you cannot come and kill me”

Na So!
Almost every Nigerian that moves overseas either for school or work has faced most of these situations. It’s hard to admit but they are true.
1. When you convert your salary to Naira

Rich Gang. Money Squad!
2. But then realize the amount you are left with after taxes and bills

Well, let us thank God for life.
3. And then you realize you are just working to pay bills

Well there is light, fresh air, good food and good internet. All that matters.
4. After you pay bills and you get a long WhatsApp text and you spot “Western Union” in it

Not today please.
5. When you hear the current exchange rate and its time to go for a brief visit to Nigeria

We about to make it rain!
6. When you are trying to do Nigerian bank transactions and they are being difficult

What do you mean I should send my passport, drivers license, utility bill, admission letter, left thumb and right eyeball so I can get ordinary ATM card?
7. You consider moving back but remember that there are no jobs

I don’t think it is entirely necessary to make that move.
8. And you remember you may have to queue for fuel and fan yourself to sleep

I think overseas is beginning to feel like home.
9. When your non-African mates are always asking if they will be millionaires in Nigeria with $100/£100

Are you serious? It’s not your fault. What an embarrassment.
10. But then you have to console yourself that things will change soon

Because it is okay to deceive oneself.
11. When you were hoping for change but your president is only changing planes on various trips

Oshey Mr. World Tour 2016. Gathering Frequent Flyer Miles.
12. When people start asking “when are you returning”

Excuse me, are you sending me away? My visa has not expired biko. They aren’t complaining about my presence in the abroad.
13. Or you hear “come back home and change things”

Hold on, let me get back to you on that issue.
14. When you plan a ten-day trip home and your parents say “spend some more time”

What do you know?
15. When you are visiting Nigeria and everyone wants you to help bring “something small” back

What do you mean PlayStation4, a TV and four car lights is “something small”???
A number of people who are studying accounting are either there by choice, or because their parents are accountants so you can’t be a prodigal child. Every accounting student has been in one or all of these situations.
When you get admission into the university and you made it into the accounting department

And your first two months are as easy as ABC so you think life is a bed of roses

First semester exams show up and you get all A’s and you believe you will be the next Accountant General of Nigeria

Your second year starts and things start having k-leg

Your balance sheets start refusing to balance

And the number of accounts you have to prepare are now six per question

Income statements, adjusted trial balance, journal entries, balance sheet, profit and loss, cash flow accounts…
As if that is not enough cost and Financial Accounting and Case Analysis start bringing up their head on your course list

And then Taxation becomes advanced and Auditing and Assurance starts looking like hell

Taxation Y U become advanced? People, Y U have to do fraud and give us errors to find?
And then you start seeing letters and greek symbols in your textbooks in Financial Management

What is a beta? What is ‘r’ doing here? What is this funny looking ‘E’ what is all this Lord?
To make matters worse you are told you need to start getting ready to start ICAN lessons

God what is all this? Who invented accounting?
Every weekend from 9AM to 9PM

Is this ICAN lesson or prison in disguise?
So you have no social life, no sleeping pattern, wonder if life’s worth living and are about to give up

Somebody can’t even go to Quilox or go and buy Suya and relax.
So you start to reconsider all your life choices and if it is too late to change your course

Is all this worth it? Mass Communication wouldn’t have stressed me like this…
But you remember your parents, uncles, and even your pastor is an accountant and you can’t be the black sheep

Before they say I want to bring shame to the family.
So you just have to carry your cross and die with it

I’m not the first, I wouldn’t be the last.
ICAN exams come and you are tired of life and reading and just want the world to end

Can Jesus like come back today or the apocalypse happen?
Then the results come out and you passed everything

FINALLY!! ITS ALL OVER!!
Now you can add “ACA” to your name and start carrying shoulders

Please respect me I’m now a Chartered Accountant.
Studying architecture in the university is not just a course, it affects everything in your life from sleep pattern, social life, eating schedule, how you view life and everything. Only architecture students will understand these situations.
1. When you realize RedBull or Power Horse are your favorite drinks

Can’t afford to be weak for one minute, before you sleep for two days.
2. Realizing you have been in the studio for 22 hours

Ahan where is this time running to?
3. When everyone in the studio hates you because you play music too loud

Don’t be angry oh please block your ears now or go and build your own studio.
4. When everywhere is a bed space

The tables and chairs looking like a comfortable bed or roses. Opportunity comes but once.
5. When everybody is saying good morning and it’s just your bedtime

This backwards sleeping pattern life.
6. When you eat your breakfast, lunch and dinner at one sitting

Because there will be no time again till tomorrow.
7. When you are an expert at the different smells of glue

UHU, Pritt you can smell them in your dream.
8. When you don’t know what day of the week it is at all

Could it be Monday? Or is today Friday? Been in the studio for two days…
9. When you realize your parents have a better social life than you

*cries in spending hours on projects*
10. When you can’t find one of your instruments

THE END OF THE WORLD.
11. When you become a scavenger for materials for your model

Toothpick, rubber bands, screws, straws almost anything on the floor is useful.
12. When you are tired of hearing “didn’t you wear this yesterday”

Is it your cloth? Is it your body? Please let me repeat my clothes in peace.
13. When you can’t remember what your bed feels like

Dear bed, I miss you.
14. When you are an expert photoshop, autocad, illustrator user but you fumble with Excel

See, some software programs are not really that important in this life.
15. When you tell your friend to wake you up and they forget

YOU WANT ME TO BE A FAILURE IN LIFE ABI?
16. When your boo doesn’t believe you forgot to reply or call on their birthday

See, I am sorry it’s not really my fault.
17. When you only think of sleep when you hear “weekend”

What is a turn up? Finally, I can have more than two hours of sleep.
Going to a bank anywhere in Nigeria can be a very frustrating experience sometimes, but it can also be extremely amusing. The people you meet at any time can either make it worse or better for you.
1. The “ATM is not working” people

These ones are so quick to yell “ATM no dey work”. Brother nobody asked you.
2. The ones that want to enter the metal detector with you

No patience. No respect for personal space. These are the kind of people that will want to enter bathroom with you if they can.
3. The gateman that is very extra

“How is the week sir?”, “how is work?”, “can I clean your shoe for you?”, “let me help you hold your bag”. Brother calm down. Relax.
4. The pen borrowers

“Please can I borrow your pen”, “do you have an extra pen”. These are the ones that never took biros to an exam hall.
5. “Amatyour back please”

Nigerians never fail to do this. It’s like the rising of the sun. Just stay on the line yourself you won’t die now.
6. The impatient liars

“I was in front of you before you came”, “please my wife is in labor I need to cash this cheque quickly”. Are you serious right now sir?
7. The cashier that never has network

These ones are probably trying to bat their score on Solitaire or catching up on some gossip blog. They don’t even let you finish your question… “Please ma what is today’s dat..” “network is down”.
8. The ones that don’t know how to fill forms

These people are only pure stress. They will make you fill out about 10 different forms in the name of “I didn’t bring my glasses”. Please bring your glasses to the bank next time uncle.
9. The cashier that wants to give you N100 notes for a N10,000 withdrawal

Nothing as annoying as this happening. “we only have N100 notes” please keep it. It is me you want armed robbers to notice?
10. The oversabi customer service rep

These ones always go and ask their bosses for everything, have a company manual they consult before they do anything, and will ask you to bring your grandfather’s cap, the blood of an owl, Nnamdi Azikiwe’s NEPA bill and 10 other documents to collect your ATM. why?
11. The Fraudsters

“Please can you help me use this ATM card”, “I want to deposit money in your bank account and you will send it to me”. Not today Satan. Just run away.
12. The show offs

These ones walk into the bank and flash the cash so the N2,050 in your account begins to irritate you.
Going to any type of church in Nigeria, you will definitely meet these sets of people. They sometimes make going to church fun and sometimes a little frustrating.
1. The Annoying Usher

They want you to walk all the way to the front to sit down, won’t leave you alone all service, always check to see if you are using your bible app on your iPad and tap you when you are taking a nap. Please leave me alone now.
2. The Oversabi Choir Member

They can sing perfectly off key, always try to drown out the other choristers voices, wear the most ridiculous outfits and are there for show off. Madam, church not project fame.
3. The Prayer Warrior

This is the person that prays aggressively consistently. Inside the lions den kind of prayer, If you stand close you may lose a tooth.
4. The Weirdos

These ones never close their eyes when prayer is on. To make matters worse they can maintain eye contact like it will take them to heaven. Oga, Jesus is not on my face now.
5. The Town Crier

They have the loudest voices. Whether it is the choir singing or during prayers you can hear them from miles away. Bros/Sis take it easy.
6. The Jonahs

These ones are always sleeping. No matter the event, opening prayer, sermon, tithe. You will find them nodding their heads and almost falling off their chairs. Kuku stay at home and sleep.
7. The Commentator

“Yes Pastor”, “preach on”, “Speak the word sir”. Sir/Mam, the Pastor knows his job now. Church, not football field.
8. Drama Queens

We don’t know if its legit. Small prayer, small breeze the pastor blows inside microphone they are rolling from the altar to the back door and back.
9. Holiest Holly

These set of people make you feel like the devil. They are perfect or act like they are perfect. Making you wonder if it’s the same heaven you are trying to get it.
10. The National Stadium Gele Women

These people came to church to ensure you don’t see a thing. With geles looking like Teslim Balogun stadium, and they know where to seat to block the view of the whole of the congregation behind them. Blocking someone’s blessings. Stress.
11. Fashion Police

They are in church to critique what everyone is wearing. “See sister Linda carrying a fake Hermes bag oh”, “why is brother kcee dressed like a traffic light?”. And they themselves… Please God accepts us as we are.
12. The Dancehall Person

These set of people came to church to bust the new dance steps they learnt all week. Once it’s time for thanksgiving just let them be, they will dance their hearts out then take a nap during the sermon.
13. The Wale Adenuga’s

Testimony time and ten minutes into their testimony they say “in a nutshell” and carry on for ten more minutes. Testimony time not “Oh Father Oh Daughter” seasons 1-5.
14. The False Prophets

“Sister Toke, I saw a vision and God said I should marry you”, “brother Paul, I think God has put you in my path”.
When you have your lunch break, the personalities at the buka and the food are always enough entertainment to make the day better. If you have ever stepped in a Buka or a restaurant in Nigeria, you will understand how spot on this is.
1. The Queue Jumpers

These ones always acting like they haven’t eaten since they were born, trying to skip the queue. Uncle please respect yourself. All those on the queue are we selling beans?
2. The Space Keeping Liars

These ones are born liars, they come and tell you “I was in your front before you came here”. Sorry oh Mr. Buka Chairman, please go and join the line at the back abeg.
3. The Indecisive Person

They spend thirty minutes queueing for food, and then get to the front and say, “ah I don’t even know what I want to eat”. Like excuse me, were you sleeping since?
4. The Ones That Never Have Change

They are coming to buy N10 food, and they come with N1000 note and get angry when there is no change. Buka not Central Bank sir.
5. The Loudspeaker

These ones are the loudest.No matter what you do you can hear them once they enter, thing is whatever they are saying doesn’t make sense, but you can hear every word.
6. The Romantic Couple

These are the ones that are always in one corner, feeding each other rice and beans and sharing shaki. Oshey Mr and Mrs Romantic, don’t let pepper enter your eyes oh.
7. Mr or Mrs Packaging

Their tagline is “Can I get some cutlery for this amala and ewedu/Pounded yam and egusi please?”. These ones can even ask for chopsticks for their tea. Will you die if you use your hand eh?
8. The Glutton

“Abeg give me Amala N300 and four goat meat”, “Is that all?” “I just dey start, put one roundabout, two shaki, one ponmo, and two cowleg, make e big well oh”. Brother… take it easy.
9. The “Fisi” “Jara” and “add more” Person

No matter the amount of food they buy you will hear “you no go put fisi for me? See as my soup small”. Sir/Ma pay more if you want more now.
10. The Philanthropist

You will be lucky to have these sort of people when you go into your favorite restaurant. They usually pay for everybody’s meal. See answered prayers and manna from heaven.
11. The Angry Football Fans

Once they land in the buka, word cannot be heard. It’s either the Messi Vs Ronaldo argument or why Arsene Wenger is a failure. Please can we eat in peace *dodges mole of eba*.
12. The Never Satisfied Customer

These are the most difficult people on the planet. Seems they come to piss everyone off. “Aunty, this your vegetable soup no sweet like yesterday”, “your shaki today no soft like last week own”, “why is the washing hand water cold like this”. Please don’t be this person.
13. The Troublemaker

These ones are a special breed. They are always on the lookout trying to be offended. Can you just eat in peace.
14. The chilled person

This person is always in his/her own lane in a corner enjoying their food, earphones plugged in and minding their business. Please be this person.
Which one are you?
If you’ve ever been to a club anywhere in Nigeria, we bet you must have seen all these people. They are always there trust us.

1. The People Begging The Bouncer To Enter

They never want to pay to enter, once they are outside the club “Dj consequence baby, me and my twelve friends are trying to get in the club. Could you come get us?”

2. The People That Skip Lines

These are the main people/squads in town, they know everyone. What is a line? The bouncers have been settled well before their arrival.

3. The Ones That Greet Everybody

They are in the club to say “how far” to every single person in the club. Nothing else. “HAYYY MY GUY HOW FAR NOW?”

4. The Perchers

Buy your own drinks? No. Buy your own hookah? No. Buy your own bottles? No. Perch on someone’s table? Snapchat with someone’s bottles/drinks? Beg for hookah pipe? All Yes!

5. The Happening Squad

They are always in one corner of the club doing their own thing hailing each other.

6. The DJ Khaleds

Their motto is if it wasn’t on snapchat, it did not happen. Everything. Goes. On. It.

7. The Crew

Yeah, you guessed right. You can’t sit or stand with them.

8. The Bottle Poppers

These are the siren and fireworks people. If they don’t blow the siren for them about ten times, they haven’t gone to the club. Stress.

9. The Single Ladies Squad

They have their own section, table, bottles etc. They came to show off. No do not try to talk to them. They also came to snub every single male advance.

10. The Hunters

“Excuse me lady, can I speak to you for a moment”. All the time this is their favorite line. No chill always thirsty. Uncle enjoy the music small too now.

11. The Photoshoot Models

They are always ready for every photo. Every and any. You can’t catch them looking bad in any of the 1000 photos taken at the club.

12. The Chimneys

Cigarettes, hookah and any other thing. They never hesitate to be an exhaust pipe in your face. Okay thank you carry your lung cancer and shift.

13. The Dance Competition People

They are here for a Dance Off. If you aren’t careful you might lose a tooth dancing close to them. They are probably using it to make up for not going to the gym earlier,

14. The Phone Addicts

These set of people never take their eyes of their phones at any point. They should have just brought their chargers and WiFi devices and a bed so we know they are for real,

15. The Big Daddies

These are the older generation, they are always at some section of the doing the point-and-kill. “Heyss see that babe over there call her for me”.

16. The horrible dressers

These people come to the club trying to impress everyone but… They should have just stayed home.

17. The ones who don’t know what they are doing neither do we

See, we too we don’t understand.
If you have ever attended school in Nigeria, we are certain that you must have met all or some of these people at some point. Take a look.
1. The Party Promoter

They never stay in school and when they are in school they are wearing party shirts, with flyers and stickers talking about “how far, you dey show my party for Quilox?”
2. The Fashionista

They rate the “best dressed” award over anything else. Living and dressing up for class under the hot sun like its Lagos Fashion Week. Take it easy Sir/Ma
3. The Bookworm

These are the people whose parents used to ask them for the remaining two points when they got a 98 on a test. It is 5.0 or nothing. Getting a B is like cancer. What is a C?
4. The Drug Addict

These set of people are always under the influence of something. They spend time playing FIFA or writing lyrics dressed in the same type of attire.
5. The Big Plans Person

These ones have all the plans “When I graduate I’ll start working for Microsoft and buy a Ferrari”, “I’ll open my own clothing line and have stores in VI”. They haven’t done their homework though.
6. The Talkative

Every person on campus runs away from them. Just know it’s going to be a 10-hour gist session when they enter your room. Time wasters.
7. The Kleptomaniac

These people are magnets. They can steal anything from your underwear to your shirts and skirts or even your eyeballs if you’re not careful.
8. The Money Borrower

Their favorite tagline is “I need one huge favor” once you hear this. They are about to tell you how they need N15k to complete their school fees… Where do they do that at?
9. The Serial Cheater

Never reads for exams, but shows up to the hall first to select seats. You don’t want to seat beside them in an exam. “How far that number 1 – 4 theory and like 10 OBJ questions”.
10. The Jesus Disciple

These people can be a pain sometimes, they feel they are perfect. And you must be perfect, if not you are the devil.
11. The Library Addict

Their everyday typical conversations are cut short with: “I’m going to the library”, “I dey go jack”. They study more than the teachers actually.
12. The Seller

Aka lifesavers, they have everything for sale; sardines, milk, cold water, recharge cards, bathing soap, suya, cars, houses right there in the hostel. Just ask they have it.
13. The Photographer

In the classroom? Nah. Studying? Nope. Educational Activities? No. Photoshoot? Yes. They never leave their cameras and always emphasize they are photographers and the equipment they have.
14. The Students Rights Activist

They are the ones that fight for anything that comes up. No water in the morning, increased prices of textbooks/handouts, they almost always have their way.
Did we miss any other type of person? Let us know.
For those who had girlfriends in secondary school, or situationships if you were a player that early, you must have experienced some of these situations. Nothing more annoying than it feeling like a relationship in a prison.
1. When a junior comes to tell you your girlfriend is waiting in the lobby for you

It’s lit! Time to go meet the love of my life.
2. When your girlfriend tells you to keep a seat for her and her friends

We must sit together today. Rare opportunity.
3. Making sure nobody dances with your girlfriend at socials

She’s mine and mine alone.
4. When you see your seniors talking to your girlfriend

Please, don’t do this. She’s my all in all, my one and only.
5. When you guys have prep together and you have to write coded notes to each other

Communication channel faster than NIPOST and DHL combined.
6. Fixing meetings in empty classrooms after school hours

Let us “hang out” in SS3D class, yeah the last classroom on the block.
7. Or when she tells you to stay back in class after prep

AYEEE!
8. When you have to tell your friends to watch the corridor

Please don’t let me down.
9. And you also have to be on the lookout

Have to be alert at all times, can’t go and slack.
10. When you get carried away and get caught by a teacher

Is this how I get suspended and drop out of school, and become a spare parts seller?
11. And you get paraded in front of the assembly

What an embarrassment. Ordinary kissing.
12. And you know that is the premature end of your lowkey relationship

After all I did to keep it secret. What is life.
Sometimes you wonder “how do people know when a Nigerian is a JJC or Fresh Off the Boat” (term to denote someone who just freshly arrived in a foreign country)? Here are some of the things they noticed.
1. When you change your location on social media

This is when you’re trying so hard to let people know location has changed, mans has stepped up.
2. When you start loading the accent from the airport

In your mind you can’t have people thinking you’re new here. And trying to let everyone understand you.
3. When you start taking photos at any random mall or store

No more Shoprite or Palms. We now know you go to Macy’s and Selfridges now. To snap pictures though.
4. When you start complaining “Is there anything that they don’t put tax on?”

When you realize there is tax on ordinary chewing gum. Smh I miss traffic hawkers.
5. Always asking everybody “What is the exchange rate today?”

When you are trying to control expenses based off the currency you are used to. Acting like you don’t have google to check yourself.
6. And the only question on your mind all day “Where can I find Jollof rice please?”

Two weeks and four days after you are tired of eating cheeseburgers and sandwiches. Your daily cry for help.
7. Asking everyone “Is there any African store around here?”

Then you decide to take matters into your hands and hunt for food. Don’t worry you won’t die.
8. When you suddenly become very humble

Chairman you’re enjoying oh. Response: Na God oh, He will do your own too.
9. When you try to dress like everyone around you then overdo it

Don’t do it. Stop.
10. Always converting your rent and expenses to Naira

“this is money for one plot of land in Ogun State”. Okay, minister for naira conversion don’t be angry.
11. Then you keep reminding everyone “Nigeria has a long way to go”

When you finally start realizing the awesome of the overseas… Stop. We know.
Whenever you see a movie poster with this man on it, just know he will use the line “the elders say”. The Nigerian embodiment of Solomon, we think he should have a book out already. Take a look at these posts by people who want to be him.
1. For you guys that love food more than life.

https://twitter.com/Pete_Edochie/status/650276800451477505

2. When you’re thinking the elders don’t know about #SeizeTheBae.

https://twitter.com/Pete_Edochie/status/649087182083391488

3. For those of you waiting for the “perfect moment” listen.

https://twitter.com/Pete_Edochie/status/651650150545424384

4. Are you trying to toast a babe that has never had a good relationship?

https://twitter.com/Pete_Edochie/status/646283570785452032

5. When a bus conductor asks a person in a G Wagon “who are you?”

https://twitter.com/peteedochi/status/624645486763446273

6. Did you steal someone’s boyfriend? Or meat from the pot?

https://twitter.com/Pete_Edochie/status/689566492761915393

7. Sometimes some people are not just your mate.

https://twitter.com/Pete_Edochie/status/688336844505886720

8. Are you about to start a fight you can’t handle?

What did Pete Edochie say about stones and bullets? A man who doesn't want to receive bullets doesn't throw stones at a man with a gun
— JJ. Omojuwa (@Omojuwa) August 31, 2015

9. Just a quick reminder that sometimes your person can be your enemy.

https://twitter.com/Pete_Edochie/status/631868583795159040

10. Are you always hungry? Here’s your excuse.

https://twitter.com/Pete_Edochie/status/564514173749825538

11. If you ever thought the elders aren’t technology savvy.

https://twitter.com/Pete_Edochie/status/622439265348243456

12. Another perfect example of ‘You think you’re doing me, you’re doing yourself.

https://twitter.com/EdochieWisdom/status/173323774798737408

13. And if you were ever wondering who wisdom don epp, this quote will tell you.

I Never have problems with NEPA. My house is powered by the light of wisdom.
— Pete Edochie (@PeteyEdochie) August 7, 2012
For every aspect of life, there are people who you could consider role models. We don’t have to go far away because we do have people that fit the bill in every aspect right here in Nigeria, in no particular order. Take a look.
1. Aliko Dangote

This man is every Nigerians’ ‘businessman goals’. Worth $16.7 billion as at January, 2016. You can’t help but want to be like him in the business world.
2. Folorunso Alakija

She is the richest woman in Africa worth $1.58 billion according to Forbes, she is the vice chair of Famfa Oil, married with beautiful kids. You can’t help but admire her.
3. Richard Mofe-Damijo

Top Nigerian actor, turned politician, former commissioner in Delta state, and a cynosure of the eyes. He has and had a successful acting career and is greatly admired by a lot!
4. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is a Nigerian novelist, nonfiction writer and short story writer. She has been called “the most prominent” of a “procession of critically acclaimed young anglophone authors. Amazing woman!
5. Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde

Your favorite WCW. A successful actress in Nollywood, a singer, and philanthropist she a some point was in every top movie. Featured in over 300. Herself and her family are really goals!
6. Ebuka Obi-Uchendu

A couple of people don’t know, but Ebuka Obi-Uchendu the former Big Brother contestant is an intellectual property lawyer, top choice emcee, TV show host, fashion icon and writer. He has a ton of endorsements also. Recently got married to his beautiful wife. Young man goals!
7. Mosunmola Abudu

Mosunmola Abudu, usually known as Mo Abudu, Moments with Mo founder, TV producer, founder EbonyLife TV, media personality, human resources management consultant, entrepreneur and philanthropist. She has been described by Forbes as “Africa’s Most Successful Woman”. Fam!
8. Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe is the founder and Chief Executive Officer of 360 Group. Style and fashion icon. He transformed his hobby into a money spinning business. Who wouldn’t want to do that.
9. Agbani Darego

Agbani Darego, MFR (she also has a title guys) is a Nigerian model and beauty queen, psychology graduate from a top American university, also best known as the first native Sub-Saharan African to win Miss World. She set the record and is the ‘model’ for models truly.
10. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala

Top Nigerian economist, known for a number of accolades from the World Bank, to being the minister of finance for Nigeria and helping to reduce the nation’s debt margin considerably, so sure goes down in history as having a huge impact.
11. Toyin Sofekun-Bello

Also known simply as TY Bello, the land is green an amazing journalist, singer, and top photographer she has made a name for herself right from her days in the group KUSH and most recently the discovery of Olajumoke.
12. Bukola Elemide

Paris born Nigerian singer, Bukola Elemide also known as Asa is one of the top songwriters, singers and performing artists to come out of Nigeria. She took the music scene with a different and unique style and continues to put her best foot forward in all her work.
13. Philip Emeagwali

Philip Emeagwali is a Nigerian inventor and scientist. He won the 1989 Gordon Bell Prize for price-performance in high-performance computing applications, in an oil reservoir modeling calculation using a novel mathematical formulation and implementation. Big man. Brilliance levels 100.
14. Hajia Bola Shagaya

One of the few top ten richest women in Africa, she built an empire from her days in the Central Bank, introducing the Konica brand to Nigeria and now one of the largest distributors of base oil in Nigeria. She also is involved in the fashion industry and also a polo enthusiast. All rounder.
15. Babatunde Raji Fashola

BRF! A household name in Nigeria, the former Governor and transformer of Lagos state, he is now the Minister of Power, Works and Housing. Huge portfolio. Known for his eloquence in speeches he is a huge role model and an influence to a ton of Nigerians.
Attending church with your parents can give various reactions from being sad to happy to being overly frustrated sometimes. Growing up we all had that time when we had to go to vigils with our parents and these are a few things that may have happened or maybe still happen.

1. When your parents tell you there is a church service that “evening”

So which one is it today?
2. And it starts at 10:00 PM

Oh God why?
3. And they say “go and sleep now so you can be rested”

But it is just 2 PM ma.
4. But your body has other plans

Why is this sleep not coming?
5. When you look at your watch and it is almost 9:30 PM

But do we have to really pray all night long?
6. And you are trying to give a flimsy excuse

“My back is paining me”. “I think i have a sore throat and my kidney is about to fail”.
7. But your parent is not having any of them

Meet me at the car in two seconds.
8. The long speech on the way to the program about what it is about

This must be the first part of the sermon.
9. When the testimonies and admonitions are getting too long

*nods in agreement to the testimonies*
10. And your parents catch you dozing and sleeping and give you the death stare

Ahan someone cannot nod his head in peace again?
11. So you have to stay awake or pretend to by all means possible

This is not an easy job.
12. Having an eye to eye contact with your parent when you should be closing your eyes for prayer

Its a mistake i was praying in the spirit.
13. Six hours later and the pastor is about to start his “short sermon”

Please what have we been doing?
14. And there are still four things on the program of events

What is really going on here?
15. When you hear “In conclusion” and all traces of sleep evaporate

What is a sleep?
16. And it is time to head back home

FINALLY! ITS LITT!
Have you ever been in traffic for more than four hours and spent the whole time wondering why, what, who, is causing the damn thing? Say no more we’ve got you. Disclaimer: You still can’t avoid it.
1. Garden Egg

https://twitter.com/iamsupervillain/status/650020557203881984?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Sometimes the person 10,345 cars away was just trying to buy fresh garden egg.
2. Gala

What if all the traffic in Lagos is just an evil plan by UAC to sell more Gala?
— Reuben Nyaze – UI/UX & Branding (@ReubenRane) December 19, 2015

You don’t even need a prophet to tell you. Just hope there is still fresh gala when it’s your turn to buy.
3. Yourself

https://twitter.com/5thHorseman_/status/701666655634587648
Why you no leave house early?
4. Witchcraft

https://twitter.com/MadLawal/status/700559351505784832
Because witches and wizards also need to get to work…in their invisible cars.
5. Everybody that thinks this way

To beat the traffic In Lagos You've Gotta Leave Your House By 5am .. Urghh
— Mob Barley (@OlubusayomiJ) October 7, 2013

Because, if everybody leaves home at 5am together… Congratulations you played yourself.
6. And still some more witchcraft

#MyLagosExperiences when u are in traffic, you get to the front and u can't see anything blocking the road pic.twitter.com/SJR36pp7LO
— FEMI (@fabulos_dave) December 13, 2015

Sometimes you really believe there are spirits on the road.
7. Any weather change

A little rain & everything goes wrong in Lagos.. mobile network ❌, wireless ❌, power ❌, traffic 💯
— 👑 Aku (@akunwa_) March 1, 2016

Rain, sunshine, small breeze and bam! Traffic will start.
8. Toyota Camry

https://twitter.com/markessien/status/646350170347687936?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
See, please don’t buy another one, don’t enter one. Please help reduce traffic.
9. Okada owners

Lagos traffic will make somebody that is inside big Jeep to be admiring somebody on bike 😂
— Olayiwola Adeyemi (@MichaelBlaq) December 1, 2015

We believe they deliberately cause traffic, so that this will happen.
10. Searching bachelors

I might meet my wife and start a family in Lagos traffic with the way things are going.
— Swag Daddy (@ImNotAHooligans) August 20, 2015

These are the people that cause traffic so they can fulfill their purpose. Stay far from them.
11. Being smart but being stupid

In Lagos, driving a car is war. And in war, you don't tell your enemy your next move. That's why most people don't use indicators.
— Ken Ken (@theonlyfbk) February 2, 2015

Everybody wants to get to the front first, because competition.
12. And of course

These ones are never up to any good. As their name suggests they will make you get anywhere last.
13. Lagos Traffic

Me: Oga no vex. I go soon reach there. I'll be there in less than 15 minutes

Lagos Traffic: pic.twitter.com/sJTw8Yic36
— ATL™️ (@atl_dunni) December 3, 2015

Lagos traffic causes lagos traffic, so it can show you who is the boss here.
What other ridiculous reasons do you think causes traffic?