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Ortega, Author at Zikoko! Ortega, Author at Zikoko!
  • This Nigerian Student Got Into Microsoft With Zero Work Experience, How She Do Am?

    Every two weeks, Zikoko will share the hustle stories of Nigerians making it big in and out of the country. With each story, we’ll ask one crucial question in several ways: “How you do am?”


    Getting a job at Microsoft before graduating? Chisom, you have to show us the way

    I promise it wasn’t a big deal. I was just aware that there’s a lot more to life than school.

    What does that mean?

    While I was invested in keeping my grades up, I realised as a computer scientist, it’s not all about books. In the real world, people want to know if you can code, programme or build something. As a student, I just focused on that.

    Your degree didn’t prepare you for the real world?

    Every computer science student knows we’re taught mainly theory. On some occasions, we’d use software, but on most, we learnt about coding on a whiteboard or paper. 

    Coding on paper?

    No shade to Nigerian universities, but I didn’t make a lot out of what I learnt there. Still, it was an important experience for my journey.  

    How?

    I met the guy who got me into coding in my second year. There was an innovation hub on campus and science students liked to hang out there. On one of the random days I stopped by, I met a tech bro designing an android application.

    It wasn’t unusual to see people coding, but it looked like he was designing a mobile application on his laptop. I was intrigued and asked what he was up to. That was the first time I’d heard anyone talk about building apps on Google Play Store.

    Two years in computer science and none of that came up in class?

    All I’d done was code on paper and attempt to teach myself on a laptop. But that guy was developing real apps for phones. That was an upgrade I knew I needed, so I asked him to teach me.

    Sweet. So the journey to tech sis, how did that go?

    I had some programming knowledge from joining Aptech in Calabar in 2018, but it was still hard to keep up with the tools for building the apps. I got a hang of it eventually when I started taking tutorials online. The tutorial videos had practice projects at the end that made it possible for me to build a portfolio, which was instrumental to my transition to software engineering.

    What’s the difference between being a computer scientist and a software engineer?

    The difference is in the practical aspect. Software engineers design and ship products by the minute. While a computer scientist is more theoretical; it’s like a bigger umbrella.

    What major thing helped you to prepare for the role? 

    The projects at the end of each tutorial. After a year, I wanted to apply for internships, but I didn’t have a resume. When I looked up samples, there were sections for work experience and personal projects. And I didn’t have anything relevant to include. That’s a big issue when there are a million other people trying to get the same job you want.

    I get you. What was the first experience you got as a student?

    Building my first phone application in 300 level. I wasn’t sure what to build initially. But it was easier to replicate a more culture-specific version of the programme I’d been taught. That’s how I made Igbò Amáká, a language-teaching app.

    How well did Igbò Amáká do to be relevant enough against a million other people?

    The most important aspect was getting the application to work. Companies want to know you can actually build the app. And I did. By the time I graduated, I’d built a second application designed to help visually-impaired people send emails. That was pretty impressive to talk about during job interviews.

    When did you start applying?

    Before the end of my final exams in early 2020. I wanted to get a software engineering job and start immediately after school. So I was submitting 30 to 50 applications a day — I literally flooded the internet with my resume, applying for jobs. But I was more interested in getting into the Big Tech companies — Facebook, Amazon, Apple, Microsoft or Google.

    You weren’t even thinking about Nigeria at all?

    I was at first. While applying and going through interviews, I realised that junior and internship roles are like “mid-level” roles in Nigerian companies. They always asked if I had work experience. So I changed plans and focused on the big tech companies. My thinking was they have more capacity to train people with little experience. 

    Fair enough

    But even with the projects I’d done, I wasn’t getting hired at any of the companies I actually wanted. They were looking for someone with more experience than I had. 

    The first interview I failed was Bloomberg’s. Then the aptitude tests for Google, Facebook and Microsoft followed. That’s how companies kept dropping me. It made me feel like it wasn’t a project problem anymore.

    Then what was it?

    I had the skills. But the recruiters needed more than me being able to build applications. Every entry-level engineer can code. The question was how well-grounded I was as a developer without any work experience.

    Did I have any published articles? Any volunteer experience or a portfolio website to showcase? That’s the difference between startups and bigger companies like Google. They don’t just care about your work experience as a student. Skills that demonstrate being good at communication and problem-solving are what matter.

    How about the aptitude tests you failed? What were you missing?

    Everything around data structures and algorithms. When you combine them with strong soft skills like communication, problem-solving, teamwork and collaboration, they can be the real access card to bigger organisations. 

    Interesting. What do data structures and algorithms mean?

    It’s a course on its own. Data structures and algorithms test your knowledge of logic, coding and communication. You get to answer technical questions using your preferred coding language, and the tests can be complex. They’re the most common questions international organisations ask. 

    What helped you pass them?

    A book called Cracking the Coding Interviews. It’s a bible for data structures and algorithms. And courses on Educative helped because they were more structured.

    How long after your first attempt at Microsoft did you try again?

    Six months. I felt ready to apply again in August 2020. And I’d been applying to other companies as well. Every interview was my practice leading up to my final interview with Microsoft.

    Clearly, things worked out

    Yeah. I got a call back in December and an offer letter in January 2021 to resume after school in November.

    You were doing all this in your final year. How did you manage it?

    Haha. Time management. I spent most of my early mornings doing some work before school. I’d get back quite early to work on my final project, revise what I was taught and get right back to work again.

    It was a rollercoaster, but it was worth it.

    Best in studies

    It’s funny how I was offered an internship as a technical analyst at Bank of America (BOA) just a month before the Microsoft offer. I applied during my six-month period of preparing for interviews. 

    That’s wild

    The euphoria was intense. I was going to school, running a three-month internship and looking forward to resuming at the Microsoft office in Lagos. 

    What do you think changed with the Microsoft interview? How did you scale through the first stage this time?

    I felt ready for the test. Every other failed attempt made me ready. That’s the only way to explain it.

    Give us some inside gist. What were the other phases of the interview? 

    After the coding test, there’s a phone interview with four phases. Each one lasted 45 minutes, followed by two non-technical interviews. My manager interviewed me and asked questions like what I’d do if my team didn’t understand a task. Or how I’d approach a problem I couldn’t solve even after asking for help and googling for answers. The focus was behavioural questions. 

    I scaled through, and now I’m here. 

    And how has your experience at Microsoft been so far?

    It’s been more than a year, and my time at Microsoft has taken me from a university graduate with no experience to a seasoned software engineer. I still have a lot to learn, but the future looks really bright. 

    If you could go back, what would you have done differently?

    I would start earlier. I’ve met colleagues who started off with an undergraduate internship at Google. And I wish I didn’t doubt opportunities like that were possible.

    What’s one place to start looking out for the right opportunities?

    I get asked a lot of questions like this, so I’ve created a database of resources for interviewing and getting started in tech. And my Twitter page is dedicated to helping more people get into big tech companies. 

    What does the next level look like for your career?

    Gaining more technical skills. The world is moving towards innovation, and I’d always want to be at the peak of things. Fortunately, I’m at a company that has the same vision I do. 

    I’d also love to explore leadership roles in tech, managing engineering teams and products. I know I have to keep upskilling — taking courses and staying current with tech trends — leveraging my network and building a solid brand for myself to make this happen. And I plan to make it all happen.


    Hustleprint stories drop every two weeks on Tuesdays at 12 p.m. WAT, and Hustleprint guides will drop in the interim weeks. 

    So you can follow each drop, Hustleprint will be published in our money newsletter.

  • After 20 Years of Catering, She Finally Opened a Food Store in the US

    Every week, Zikoko will share the hustle stories of Nigerians making it big in and out of the country. With each story, we’ll ask one crucial question in several ways: “How you do am?”

    Sola Ajao is a 59 -year-old Nigerian woman based in Boston, US. She started cooking at 10 and grew to love it. But when she moved to the States to get married, she realised there was a gap in accessing African foods. She’s spent 20 years building a business to bridge the gap and tells us how she’s done it. 

    Do you have any formal training as a chef?

    No, but cooking has always been a part of my life. I started cooking for my family when I was ten years old. We didn’t have a maid, and I had two younger siblings, so my mum taught me to take care of the family while she was away at work. It made me grow to love food. 

    How did you move from being a ten-year-old learning to cook to growing a business?

    When I was 26, I moved to Boston, Massachusetts to marry my husband. I was living in a different country for the first time, and I could never find familiar ingredients to cook my meals.

    Whenever I wanted to make something as simple as jollof rice, I’d drive 215 miles to New York for the spices. It didn’t take long to notice the gap, so I decided to buy African spices and foodstuff from New York to start a food business in my Boston home. 

    Interesting. So there was no competition in Boston at the time?

    None that I knew of. New York, on the other hand, was a much bigger hub. When Africans came to the states in the 80s, they usually landed in New York — that’s what most people referred to as Yankee. 

    As a result of the influx of Africans in New York, they had the infrastructure for importing African food. So I’d place my orders through vendors in New York who had importing licenses.

    How were you able to build a network in a new country?

    When I started, I was pretty much taking a leap of faith. I put all my savings into the business. I tried to get other sources of funding, like bank loans, but it didn’t work out.  

    Also, introducing African food to Boston wasn’t easy. Everyone was familiar with Chinese and Indian food, but Nigerian food wasn’t as common. So naturally, the business started very small, and I took up corporate jobs to make up for the money I wasn’t making. I came to the United States with only a secondary school certificate, so the job I could get at the time was a secretarial role at what is now known as Bank of America.

    But kids change things. 

    When my kids came, I decided to be at home more often. This made it easier for me to build a network. I started daycare at home and met a lot of other mums who needed help with their kids. This was a good opportunity to market my products, and I did at every chance. I started offering catering services too — food is a basic human necessity.

    My husband became a church minister in 2008, which helped me connect with more Nigeran and African people in my community. 

    And there weren’t any regulations against running a restaurant from your home?

    I only took bulk orders for events while I was trying to expand to accommodate daily orders. It’s very common for caterers to cook from their homes as long as they’re licensed. We call this concept “home cooks” or “home chefs.”

    What was your most notable catering opportunity?

    A convention for people from Edo state in 2007 was my biggest contract. 2000 people showed up to this event, and I had to hire a team of ten to pull it off. By the end of the day, people from all over the U.S. had tried my bestselling jollof rice. I was pleased. I built on that and continued to grow the business until I got a store in 2020.

    I’d wanted to get a store for the longest time, but I didn’t have the money to put into it with a family to take care of. When I got COVID in 2020 and spent two months not knowing whether I’d survive, I knew there wasn’t enough time to wait for the right moment. It’d been 20 years already.

    I decided to take a calculated risk and put all my money into renting a property. But even with the money, it wasn’t easy to find a space in my town. The real estate market here is extremely tough.

    But without any formal training, how did you manage to scale up the business?

    The most important thing to keep in mind is turning your everyday life into useful and profitable skills. 

    For instance, being a minister’s wife meant I needed to communicate and network even when I didn’t feel like it. I needed that to understand good customer service for my grocery store and catering business to grow. There’s no separation between my business and personal life because my business grows from my life experiences.

    Also, a culinary degree isn’t what gets you through the door when you’re cooking a different style of food. What sells you is how well you can educate people and persuade them to actually try your food. 

    So how do you educate non-Nigerians about Nigerian food and get them to actually try it out?

    We host pop-up experiences in different areas of our state, Massachusetts. It takes our business model to various locations outside of our storefront location. We recently did a pop-up in a predominantly white neighbourhood over 25 miles away. We had 100 transactions, many of whom promised to visit our store.

    We also use social media as a form of education and entertainment, promoting our foods and creating educational content around them. We also invite influencers to do food tastes at our store. We even have a Spicy Indomie Challenge with some of our community members who we affectionately call the #DAMFam.

    Did you depend on the supply chain in New York as the business grew?

    Not entirely. I registered the business in Nigeria in 2022 for about ₦50k. So I don’t always have to depend on third-party vendors in New York. Instead, I can import directly from local vendors in Nigeria. This has strengthened the business’s B2B wholesale model. 

    I’m curious. It took you 20 years to get a physical store. Is there any part of the journey you’d change if you could?

    Honestly, there isn’t. It’s natural to feel like I could’ve prepared more. But I believe my personal journey is my destiny, hence why I named my business Destiny African Market. My hope is someone will learn from my journey and not have to go through the same hardships.

    And the first rule for Africans hoping to start a catering business in a foreign country? Where’s the first place to start when you have nothing?

    Focus on the quality of your food. While I’m still not a formally trained chef, I’m now a licensed caterer and have all of my certifications to serve people safely with quality food. That’s a good place to start. 

    Don’t be afraid to find a mentor and learn from others even if they’re not from your tribe or country. I’ve mentored so many African caterers and food service providers, who’ve garnered great success and even opened their stores before me. I love to mentor and support people. Collaboration is important in our community because it’s so small.

    What do you think is next for the business?

    The short-term goal is expanding to other “African food deserts” for communities that don’t have African food options within a five-mile radius of their home. African culture, especially fashion and entertainment, is becoming increasingly mainstream. Our mission is to make African food top-of-mind too. 

     

  • #Hustleprint: From Studying Agricultural Engineering to Working at Spotify

    Every week, Zikoko will share the hustle stories of Nigerians making it big in and out of the country. With each story, we’ll ask one crucial question in several ways: “How you do am?”

    So Zainab, how you do am?

    The story is long.

    I never had one dream. At some point, I loved mathematics and wanted to study that, but by the time I finished secondary school, I wanted to study chemical engineering — it was the most interesting option for a science student who didn’t want to go for medicine — but I didn’t get in. West African Examinations Council (WAEC) did me dirty.

    What happened?

    My Senior Secondary Certificate of Education (SSCE) results were delayed. I had to use my General Certificate Examination (GCE) instead. But who really aces GCE? Of all the subjects, biology was the one that messed me up. Without it, I couldn’t apply to the chemical engineering department at the University of Ilorin.   

    By the time WAEC decided to release our SSCE results, the department was full. I wasn’t ready to stay home for a year. And that’s pretty much how I ended up in Agricultural and Biometrics engineering. I had no clue what it was about.

    I relate to the madness of WAEC, but this interview isn’t about me

    Studying agricultural engineering wasn’t a horrible experience though. I took some helpful courses from other engineering departments and there was some programming involved. In 200 level, I took a programming class called Visual Basic, which was a third-generation and old programming language. Nevertheless, it sparked an interest because I was super interested in programming in general.

    The issue was what job I’d be able to get in Nigeria. When I got to 400 level, that question became even more difficult to answer. While my guys in other engineering departments were able to get internships in big oil companies,  I was stuck working at a government ministry in Ilorin. No shade to government workers, but I knew I wasn’t interested in working there.

    So you didn’t know where you would work after school?

    Not exactly. But like my mates in other engineering departments, I wanted the flexibility of choosing big organisations in the private sector. I didn’t want to be stuck at a job because I didn’t have any other choice. 

    After my internship, I was sure I’d transition into another field of engineering. I considered mechanical engineering because I took a lot of courses with the mechanical engineering department, and I could relate more with that. It also seemed interesting, and that’s how my transition began.

    And to the meat of our gist

    After my NYSC in 2016, I applied for a master’s degree in advanced mechanical engineering with management at the University of Leicester, UK. I ended up deferring my admission because my visa was delayed.

    I just took the delay as a gap year and used the free time to learn coding. I couldn’t take the programming classes in uni as seriously as I’d wanted because there was no time. Now, I had all the time in the world.

    I started with coding courses online, but I wanted to try out for an internship. So I searched for internships and found a tweet from Hotels.ng calling out for interns.

    I got in, but the it was too fast paced for me as a complete beginner.

     Nevertheless, I’m grateful for the community the program gave me. I had the opportunity to meet and connect with people of different level of technical skills both online and offline, some of who I’m still connected with today.

    A few weeks after the internship, I applied for the first Andela Learning Community sponsored by Google at the time. The program’s structure was hybrid, so I had more access to people in the tech community in Ilorin. That was a plus to the Twitter community I discovered from my Hotels.ng internship.

    At this point, what tech skill were you focused on building?

    Android development. It made me consider switching my master’s degree to computer science. But I didn’t want to flop. 

    When I finally went for my master’s in 2017, my interest switched to artificial intelligence. We were taking a modelling and statistics course that covered how algorithms make it easy for computers to classify and recognise objects. I was curious.

    I read more about artificial intelligence on my own, and that’s how I stumbled on data science. It seemed like the perfect mix of my interests. The programming aspect I’d learnt before my master’s degree and the data part covered statistics and mathematics. 

    So the best of both worlds?

    Exactly. It only made sense to branch out into data science and start taking courses online.

    Sweet. When did you land your first role?

    Towards the end of my master’s degree in 2018. At first, I was applying for any kind of job. Whether it was consulting or banking, I applied because I didn’t want to leave the UK after school. But I wasn’t getting feedback. Eventually, I realised I had to stay focused on my initial goal to work as a data scientist. 

    I started applying for analytics roles aggressively. I must have sent at least 300 applications before I got my first interview invite. The initial chit-chat with the team went great, but the technical assessment made me nervous – it was my first job, and I didn’t know what to expect. I hadn’t worked on a real-life data set. Essentially, I wasn’t very confident in my skills for these reasons.

    The whole room started spinning in my head. And I flunked the test.

    But you still got the job?

    Yeah. On my trip back home, I sent an email to the team and thanked them for the opportunity. But I also added in an apology for messing up my test.  I explained how nervous I felt, and the pressure from writing my dissertation while preparing for the test. I guess they understood.

    Surprisingly, the team asked me to take the test again. This time I had two weeks to submit the test like a take-home assignment. I still didn’t ace it though.

    And you still got the job, Zainab?

    LMAO. Yes. They felt the email demonstrated my willingness to learn. At least that’s what their email said. My job at the company was assisting the team with analysing market research surveys. 

    This was my first taste of the corporate world was great. At least for the four months, it lasted.

    What happened?

    I couldn’t sort out the extension on my UK visa, so I moved back to Nigeria. 

    The company allowed me to work remotely, but between the horrible internet and frustrating generator noises at many meetings, keeping up was impossible. I decided to leave.

    I’m sorry. How did the Nigerian job market compare to the opportunities in the UK?

    It was next to zero. I searched for data analyst roles on LinkedIn and there was nothing available. I reached out to my friends in tech for help. I remember one texting me about my salary expectations for a particular role. I said ₦500k. I’m sure the guy laughed because, thinking about it now, I had barely a year of experience to offer. But still, how was I to know? I didn’t understand the jobscape in Nigeria.

    A month later, I got a job with an energy company. I was doing everything data and engineering-related at the company. I’d go to sites to set up energy metres and still spend time analysing the energy consumption of all our clients. The workload was a lot. I needed something else. 

    Fascinating

    But while I was still at the energy company, a friend started a data visualisation community. The goal was to connect and learn how to present information visually with graphs. But I didn’t have time to dedicate to learning and practising this until the lockdown.

    During the pandemic, it was easier to attend classes. Tableau was one software people in the data industry talked about, so I dedicated more time to practicing. Every project I did went up on Twitter, and I started gaining traction. I was just everywhere at the time plugging my work.

    Nine months into my job at the energy company, a friend directed me to a fintech company searching for product analysts. I applied, got the job and spent the next year there.

    The next stop was Spotify.

    How did the Spotify offer happen?

    The weekly Twitter posts became my portfolio online. I didn’t know it at the time, but people were watching. In 2021, a senior data scientist at Spotify sent me a DM on Linkedin. He was recruiting for his team and asked me to apply for the job. I went through a five-stage process, and that was it. 

    I got the job and relocated to Sweden in April 2021. It’s been a year since I joined the Sweden team. Now, I’m looking forward to a new experience at the London office in May. 

    Nice. How has the experience been so far?

    Spotify is a cool company. At first, working in a big company was overwhelming, especially after coming from a startup but I’ve eased into it. There’s more structure than I was used to, and everyone’s role is defined and clear. 

    Speaking of roles, what exactly do you do at Spotify?

    I help product teams make informed decisions with data. One aspect is through visualisation. For instance, if there is a goal to reach x billion user streams, I build dashboards where people can go to monitor the progress. I also do exploratory deep dives into certain trends and patterns observed and test different hypotheses based on data observations. These analysis are presented to products teams and other stakeholders who then make decisions based on them.”

    That’s huge. What’s one thing you think has prepared you for this role?

    I’d say consistently learning and moving forward. My career journey never looked put together to me. I went from engineering to programming to data science and now, data visualisation. I think by now you should know I work with vibes. 

    The funny thing is, when I went to the UK for my master’s, Spotify was one of the first apps I downloaded. I’d never experienced anything as good as their recommendation engine. The algorithm knew the exact songs I’d want in a playlist. As a tech enthusiast, that was insane. I wanted to understand how it worked.  

    At that point, I couldn’t have believed I’d end up working at Spotify. Every decision I made about my career was vibes, a little bit of strategy and a lot of luck.

    What do you think is next for your career?

    Right now, I want stability. I’ve spent the last two years moving companies, so I’m focused on building at Spotify. At least for another year or two.

  • Doctor by Day, Nollywood Sweetheart by Night, How She Do Am?

    Every week, Zikoko will share the hustle stories of Nigerians making it big in and out of the country. With each story, we’ll ask one crucial question in several ways: “How you do am?”

    Jemima Osunde is a 26-year-old physiotherapist and actress. Fed up with the chaos of medical school, Jemima decided to pursue acting on the side. She called her big break pure luck, but through her story, we found out what it’s like to hustle as a newbie in Nollywood.

    Jemima Osunde Hustleprint
    Jemima Osunde – Hustleprint

    So Jemima, how did you do it?

    I always tell people acting happened to me randomly. Physiotherapy was what I wanted to do. Things started in my first year at UNILAG in 2013. Post-JAMB messed up my grades, so I took a diploma program to get into 200 level the next year. Anyone who knows what UNILAG’s diploma is like knows it can be chaotic.

    How chaotic was it, on a scale of 1-10?

    Hmm. We’d be like 200 in one hall with no power. Lecturers would yell at the top of their lungs at the front of the hall, doing their best, but only the first 50 people could hear them. The rest of us were just there to sign attendance and fulfil all righteousness by being there. 

    So it broke the scale? 

    LOL. Yeah. 

    I did that for a few weeks and knew it couldn’t be my life for the rest of the year. That Christmas, I was at an uncle’s party, and we talked about how school was going. He suggested I consider acting since I was always talking everyone’s ear off. He felt it was a good way to make some money or just occupy my time.

    What did you think?

    It made sense actually. His words got stuck in my head for weeks. And after my next horrible day at school, I decided to experiment with acting while I was trying to get into the College of Medicine for my second year at UNILAG. 

    What was the first thing you did while experimenting?

    I started following Nigerian production houses on social media and discovered that they usually posted open audition calls. It just made sense to me that to start acting I had to audition for roles, so I followed everyone from Africa Magic to EbonyLife. I followed producers too; from one producer’s page, I’d find another to follow. 

    Then, I followed young actors of that period. When I started, there was Olumide Oworu, Owumi Ugbeye who’d been on MTV Shuga — I just kept following everybody so I’d see every audition notice going out. Even though I didn’t immediately get roles, I learnt a lot from attending auditions and mingling with other aspiring actors who knew more than me. They’d give me the gist on what to do, what to look out for, who to meet and so on.

    How did all of that play out in landing your first role?

    I saw an audition notice for Tinsel in 2013. I didn’t get the part, but I got called back for Africa Magic Original Films [AMOF]. 

    When I saw the email, I actually thought it was a scam because I hadn’t heard of AMOF or attended an audition for it. I had to call one of my uncles in the industry to verify. Then I had my mum come with me for the first few reads — till today, crew members at different sets still ask me about her. 

    I worked on five or six AMOFs. And through them, I got on The Johnsons, guest-starring in a few episodes as the character, Abby. These first few acting experiences were an exciting adventure for my mum and I. My parents used to drive me around to set locations.

    What would you consider your big break into the acting industry?

    MTV Shuga in 2014. I was 18 at the time so bagging my role as Leila on a show that big at the beginning of my career was significant for me.

    How did that big break happen?

    One of the actresses I followed at the start of my career and I were working on a film together. In passing, I said I really liked her character on MTV Shuga, and it’d be nice if it had a new character I could play. Like two days later, she texted about an audition and asked me to send my details to an email address. I did that, got a reply and went in for a reading. In a matter of three or four days, I was cast as Leila. 

    Just like that? Did you have any formal training as an actor?

    No. Honestly, I was lucky.

    That’s pretty much how things started for me. I only had to do three or four open auditions after Shuga.

    Wait first. How was school going?

    For some reason, most of my auditions were in Surulere, Lagos, so it wasn’t hard to go for them from the College of Medicine. Max, one bus, one okada, and I’d be at any casting.

    It sounds like you were living a soft life

    LOL. Not on the days I had to find my way to Ikeja or Lekki though. I’d get to Ojuelegba underbridge and be clueless. Or sit in a bus and wait for it to get full before my 10 a.m. call. That’s when I started to get frustrated. I had to beg my parents to drive me to auditions until I could afford to take Uber.

    What’s the average amount of time you’d spend on set?

    For movies, two weeks at most, and I’d be on set ten out of 14 days. We’d shoot until we stopped, which meant several hours of shooting per day. 

    Only Shuga took longer than a month to shoot. I was in one season each, on the Naija version and on Down South. I was on set every other day for three weeks for the first, and in Jo’burg for five to six weeks for the second.

    How did things change after Shuga?

    I kept grinding in between filming. I had a 9-to-5 as a researcher at One Music, and I was still a student at the College of Medicine. It was really hard to keep up. I was also just figuring out my life as a teenager, making friends — which didn’t quite work out because I don’t have many friends. Then I was always sending emails and DMs to every big director and producer I admired, even Shonda Rhimes!

    But I got to a point where people would send me emails asking me to audition. A few months after we finished shooting Shuga, one of the producers cast me in her short film. Some months after that, I got calls from people I’d worked with on the set or I’d emailed earlier, who realised they had a role I was a good fit for.

    I moved from needing to attend open auditions to being invited for table reads or screen tests. Instead of walking in with 500 people hoping to get a role, I scaled through to a more selected phase with maybe 20 people. 

    Were the chances of getting a role much higher in a table read or screen test?

    Pretty much, but other upcoming actors get this access too. That makes it more competitive because you have to show what makes you special. Like why should it be Jemima and not the 20 other girls they know could play the character well too?

    And did you have an answer to that? 

    For me, it was talking to the right people. People you work with mention your name in the right rooms. 

    Every time I got on set, I made sure I interacted with the crew members, not just the actors. There’s a vast amount of knowledge you can get from them because production typically uses the same crew. These people have gone from one project to another amassing experience. I always stress them out with questions about things like cameras and lenses. And that’s one way to get informal training.

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    What’s another?

    Imagine being on a set with Kate Henshaw or Stella Damasus and not learning anything. I don’t have any shame in asking for help when I can’t connect with a character, for example. I remember meeting Adesua (Etomi-Wellington) on the set of MTV Shuga. We instantly clicked, and she’s been a strong support system ever since. She saw I was a young girl just trying to navigate the industry and could sense my silent cry for guidance, so she took me under her wing.

    She was fairly new to Nollywood, but she’d been doing theatre and a bunch of creative projects in the UK. She’d ask things like, “What do you think should be a priority at the beginning of your career?” “What are you trying to do?” and just genuinely be a friend I can call anytime. It’s necessary to surround yourself with good people who’ll keep you grounded and remind you of your purpose even when you forget. That’s who she is to me. Our relationship has just evolved and metamorphosed into many different things over the years. 

    I don’t think I could’ve come this far without the older women in the industry TBH. They tell you what they went through in old Nollywood and ways to skip all the stress. 

    And younger actresses?

    There’s a bunch of us that know we fall into the same criteria. If they’re not casting me then it’s Sharon Ooja, Tomike Alayande, Ini Dima-Okojie or maybe Efe Irele and a couple of others. It’s an unspoken thing, but we know ourselves. When a job comes, and one person isn’t available or interested, we refer each other.

    How do you manage the competition since you all fall into the same category?

    Being friends helps. My girls know how to stick together. And to make sure no one is getting the short end of the stick when jobs come. We know that for certain gigs within a certain duration, there’s a flat rate. No one goes below it. We basically set the standard for ourselves.

    Beyond networking, what skills did you have to pick up fast as your career took off with MTV Shuga

    Omo, so many things. I didn’t get a representative until 2020, so I had to learn how to multitask on a large scale. Sometimes, I had classes from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m., with a call time at 2 p.m. and Lagos traffic to beat. So if I allocate one hour to something, and someone shows up 30 minutes late, that’s not my business. In my head, I have 30 minutes left. Till today, I’m still my own manager.

    With the way things were going, why not just focus on acting?

    In Nigeria, acting can’t be the only thing you do for income and fulfilment. How many good films do we make in a year compared to the number of actors we have? You can’t be busy from January to December.

    Fair point

    Yeah. Getting to MTV Shuga took a year. For me, it didn’t feel like such a long time because school kept me busy. If acting were all I had, that would’ve been difficult.

    What happens when absolutely nothing works?

    That happened to me during the pandemic. I had to find ways to keep myself busy. That’s why I started a music trivia game on Instagram. But I also tried to get roles on TV series so I could shoot weekly, like a monthly subscription to being an actress.

    Let’s move to the medical side of things. Are you currently practising?

    Not for the past two months. I finished my NYSC in the first quarter of 2022 and took a break. Medical work in Nigeria is the ghetto. If you know people in the medical field, check up on them. Na them need mental help pass.

    LOL. What’s doing them?

    It’s so much work for such little pay and zero recognition. I’m at the point where I want to do it voluntarily, pick a few hospitals I’ll work at on the days I’m not filming. But for now, I’m on a break.

    I’m curious: how has being a health worker made you a better actress?

    Outside handling financial stress, the toughest part of being a health worker is seeing people die every day. Somehow, that’s helped me get into character without being so attached to the trauma I play, since it’s all fiction. It’s much more difficult when you actually know the person in reality.

    And how does it work the other way around?

    I’ve never thought about that. I think acting makes me a lot more sensitive and empathetic. Treating someone is very different from being able to become that person in your head and possibly picture your life like that. 

    Best in acting

    LOL. So even when I want to lose my cool with their family members — because patients are never really the issue — I can somehow put myself in their shoes. I guess that’s one of the ways being an actress helps my medical career.

    How do you manage to keep both careers apart?

    I don’t keep them apart o. My self-given nickname is “one true self”. I’m an acting physiotherapist, doctor-actress, health worker-entertainer, whatever version people prefer. I’m one person living the best of both worlds, that’s what makes me who I am. I’m currently doing a Master’s in Public Health, and people like to ask me what I need it for. I don’t have an answer for them. They should just watch and see.

    And how do you handle people recognising you when you’re in hospital mode?

    I actually prefer when people recognise me in the hospital than outside, on the streets, in the supermarket. It helps me cheer my patients up. It makes it easier to find a common ground with them, which is important in my line of health work. Apart from that, I’m a very public but private person. You’ll see me banter a lot on Twitter, or post random things when I’m in my lover girl stage, but I’m very deliberate with the details I share.

    What’s a trick every newbie needs to learn in the film industry?

    Characters become more challenging when you realise they’re not fictional. Anyone can read a script and have a flow. But sometimes, you have to create a backstory that helps you connect more with the character. That’s not something on a script. And that’s what some directors tell you to do, to actually become a character.

    What were some roles that put you to the test? 

    There was Nkem, the sex worker I played in The Delivery Boy in 2018. But one of the toughest characters I’ve played is Ranti from Rumour Has It in 2016. The babe was mean and controversial. I couldn’t play her until I could come up with a reason why someone could deliberately publish horrible stuff about their friends on a blog. Though there’s no justifiable reason to hurt people, giving her a defendable backstory helped me embody her character better. And that process makes it easier to get into challenging roles.

    I have to ask: what does it take to get to the level you’re at in the industry?

    Quality over quantity of films you shoot. And that’s why you need an extra source of income. But the best advice I received as a newbie was, “Never be afraid to take multiple cuts.” Because even when you think it’s perfect, a scene can always be better. 

    How do you know when to stop then?

    Sometimes, you just need to take multiple cuts to give the director different portrayal versions to choose from. You know when to stop by reading the room. People on set — the director, cinematographer, DOP — are very honest. If the cut is just there, it’d show on their faces. Or you could get a standing ovation because the take was just that good. You don’t have to wait for an ovation, but make sure everyone is satisfied before you stop. They’d even be the ones to reassure you that you don’t need another take.

  • My First Week in Cambridge: Chasing Harvard and a Sense of Home

    When you’re across the world and five hours behind everyone you love, you quickly learn they can’t always help you through the challenging moments of living in a new city. At least, that’s what I learnt during my first week in Cambridge, Massachusetts. 

    Between getting confused about how to find the right queue to exit the airport as an immigrant, not knowing when to cross the street and accidentally locking myself outside my room on day three, I’ve had to depend entirely on strangers.

    I travelled to Cambridge for my master’s programme. I’d been working on it for three years and finally got a break when I got a scholarship to Harvard in March. Getting a degree from an Ivy League college felt like I’d get a shot at finally working at the United Nations or World Bank. The excitement from my family and friends pacified the idea that I would be alone in a new country in five months. There was no time to focus on that. I needed to prepare for my departure.

    The months leading up to leaving were fast. Every single day was a rush trying to meet up with the list of things I needed to pack. Honestly, the most important thing to me was food. Where was I going to find my favourite dried smoked catfish in Cambridge? The city has only 10% of black people in America living there, so I needed to stuff my bags with everything Nigerian — that could fit into two 23 kg luggage.

    “They’d ask questions about your trip based on your visa type. But one wrong answer could mean going back to your country.”

    How do you fit your entire life into two 23 kg luggage? You can’t. The night before my trip, I watched my mum and her sisters divide everything I owned for my cousins. My favourite clothes, the drawings I’d collected from paint and sip dates with friends and the speaker I tricked my boyfriend into leaving at the house just a month before. It felt slightly depressing.

    You may think I’m ungrateful for the opportunity to leave Nigeria, but I couldn’t control feeling sad. The only time I ever left Nigeria before Cambridge was for holidays in Wales as a kid, and now, for the next two years, I’d suddenly be living in a foreign country with no family or friends. Imagine the stress of trying to make new friends as an adult or something as little as trying to figure out how to braid my hair rather than pay someone $200. That fear overshadowed all the hype about Harvard.

    The feelings slowly faded away in the departure hall. I guess taking one last selfie with my parents and little brother should have made me feel worse, but somehow, it reminded me of how far we’d come — all the late-night reading for exams while I was working finally made sense. But what really got me was the last text from my mum before my flight took off. “You’re the best part of my dysfunctional relationship,” she said.  It was the first time I felt my mum was really proud of me. My mum isn’t the most expressive person, so knowing that made the next 23 hours of transit feel better. 

    “Only my bags and the huge rosary that once belonged to my grandmother my mum forced into my hand luggage created a semblance of home.”

    I’d read articles about immigration officers at the point of entry into the US who try to vet people coming. They’d ask questions about your trip based on your visa type. But one wrong answer could mean going back to your country. 

    Everything on my documents checked out, but I wouldn’t say I was the most optimistic person.

    All my fear came rushing back when I finally landed in Massachusetts. In the departure hall, separate lines are designated for immigrants to access the point of entry. Unlike the Nigerian airports where you see mostly white people on one side, the foreigners were a mix of races. I tried to filter for other Nigerians on my connecting flight from Qatar to Boston, but I couldn’t. A clear sign that I was no longer home.

    With my two large bags filled with all the Nigerian snacks and soup spices I took for granted back home, I stood confused. There were airport officials to help, but a dark-haired lady yelling, “Stand on the yellow line if you’re American. Blue line, non-Americans,” didn’t make things easier.  

    The sensible thing to do was ask for help, but the Nigerian in me wanted to figure it out alone. And that’s a character that doesn’t serve you well in a new country.

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    I finally made it to the right queue when I spotted a man holding a Ghana-must-go bag on the blue line. 

    When I got past immigration, the next challenge was figuring out how to get from the airport to the apartment I’d rented in Cambridge over an online renting platform. Luckily, my roommate happened to be in the area when I texted to let him know I’d landed safely. 

    Again, the Nigerian in me didn’t feel safe getting into the car without taking a picture of the plate number and sending it to everyone I knew back home. But what could they have done if the roommate I got online turned out to be the next Ted Bundy? 

    Thankfully, the apartment was real.  “This is your new home,” my roommate said, as we dragged my bags onto the elevator. I wouldn’t call it home yet, but I can’t deny how pretty the apartment looked. I loved the view of trees from my window. But as I packed my stuff in and settled into my room, I felt empty. Only my bags and the huge rosary that once belonged to my grandmother my mum forced into my hand luggage created a semblance of home. It hurt to realise I was now alone.

    I understand the excitement of my friends and family for my trip, this new adventure, but it didn’t take away the reality that I felt like I was starting my life all over again. All my friends and family expected me to be happy. That’s all they talked about leading up to my departure. “Oh, you’re so lucky. Thank God you’re getting out before the elections,” they said. But I’d left my job, all my friends, and I didn’t have any family in Massachusetts. Calling to share that sadness wouldn’t make me feel better, so I focused on unpacking. 

    “It was silly of me not to clarify what stew meant to my American roommate because I ended up eating the rice with chilli sauce and broccoli.”

    I put all my foodstuff in the fridge. Of course, the garri poured in my bag, so I needed to clean it up. I also didn’t have any hangers for my clothes, so I picked out the nightwear I needed for the night and put out clothes I needed for a few days in my closet. Bathing was what really calmed my nerves. I brought my favourite soap, and the smell reminded me of being back in my own bathroom. Not the unfamiliar tub I was in. 

    The next decision to make was what to eat. My roommate offered me some crackers, cheese and pickles to snack on. I hated the thought of cheese and pickles, but I tried it sha. The pickles were definitely not for me. They were salty and had some weird taste I honestly can’t describe. After one bite, I decided chin-chin was the best way forward. 

    My roommate was kind enough to offer me dinner. His first suggestion was rice over chicken. I asked if there’d be stew. He said yes.

    It was silly of me not to clarify what stew meant to my American roommate because I ended up eating the rice with chilli sauce and broccoli. Surprisingly, the broccoli was the best part. It was crunchy and salty, but the rest needed some salt and pepper to satisfy the Nigerian in me. 

    “I was happy that someone who’s lived in the city all his life was just as confused with the roads.”

    In my first week here, the biggest hurdle was getting around the city. I want to trust Google Maps, but turning around at least three times to figure out the right direction to face gets really annoying. Yet, I’ve decided to figure it out on my own anyway. 

    I know it’s not unusual to walk up to a random stranger for help in Nigeria. But when I was trying to find my way to class the next day and approached an Asian lady for help, she seemed startled. Maybe it was the way I said,  “Sorry, please, excuse me,” before I actually asked my question that confused her. So, I’m a little more cautious now.

    After 15 minutes of walking, I eventually figured out I just needed to turn left from the street, and it was pretty easy from there with Google maps. But three days later, I got lost again trying to get to the store. It should be easy navigating the streets with Google maps, but the roads are laid out in a confusing way. 

    When I ranted to my roommate, he complained about how much he hated driving in Cambridge too. Apparently, the roads were previously horse tracks, so there are many intersections that lead to confusion. 

    “I blamed myself for moving away and making our relationship so difficult. “

    I didn’t understand what all of that meant. I was just happy that someone who’s lived in the city all his life was just as confused with the roads.

    If you’re wondering how I got home, just know I spent 20 minutes walking, missed one bus then cried at the bus stop. I eventually gave up and decided to take an Uber. I was upset at the thought of spending $10 on a ride rather than $2 on the bus. The Nigerian in me still converts everything to naira, so please, free me. 

    When I returned to my apartment, I cried some more and sat on the kitchen floor. I was frustrated with how hard finding my way around would be for the next few weeks. I wanted to call a friend to vent, but it was 1 a.m. in Nigeria. 

    I still tried calling my boyfriend. He wanted to be physically present, but hearing that was hard. I blamed myself for moving away and making our relationship so difficult. He didn’t think of things that way though. He wanted to comfort me in whatever way he could, so he ordered me some food with Uber eats. 

    “I miss Lagos conductors “

    Sadly, the food never arrived. Turns out my street exists in two places, and I didn’t include the right one in the address I shared. There was no way we could sort things out because it was 11 p.m. on my end. I was getting tired and sleeping seemed like a better option. 

    I can’t deny that it’s been surreal walking through Harvard for a  week. I remember my boss from last year telling me I’d never get in with a second-class degree from UNILAG. Until the moment I submitted my application, I believed him. But I pushed passed the fear and got in. 

    Now that I’m here, this phase of figuring things out has been overwhelming. I can’t tell you how much I miss Lagos conductors. They were my Google Maps of Lagos, and they actually knew where I needed to go. The little things I really appreciate now. I just hope one day I’ll think about Cambridge as somewhere that feels like home or close enough.

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  • You Were the First Person to Make Me Laugh

    We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.

    From: Simi, the woman who wants her secondary school bestie back

    To: Taofeeqat, her best friend who made the best jokes

    Dear Taofeeqat,

    It’s crazy how we’ve been best friends since SS 2. I don’t know if you know this, but you’re the first best friend I ever had who didn’t do me dirty. 

    Before you, every other person I applied the tag “best friend” to played me on a very massive scale. But that’s okay because all the hurt gave me you.

    You’re the first person who’s ever made me laugh out loud. You cared about me, and you weren’t ashamed to show it. You loved on me and sent me such long love letters that always made me cry. I now cry because life is hard and it’s hard to not feel resentment towards how we’re too busy to talk as often. I wish I kept all of our letters to read.

    Did you annoy me and make me want to break your head at times? Probably, yes. But you were my first in a lot of things: My first “I love you” was to you, and I meant it. My longest hug was with you. You were the first friend to see me cry, and the first I ever wrote a love letter to. 

    I know we’re going through a lot, and we’re busy trying to build lives for ourselves, but I wanted to remind you of the happy times when our biggest problem was submitting assignments. Not a day went by when we didn’t hug each other.  

    I miss those long hugs we had before everything fell apart between us last year. I miss the long love letters we wrote in black and red pen. Ah yes, I miss having so much to gossip with you about. 

    Just in case we never go back to the way we were, I want to thank you for being in my life the longest yet hurting me the least. Thank you for being calm and supportive when I went into hysterical breakdowns over anything that stressed me out. Thank you for loving me so gently that I didn’t have a single fear in the world. 

    This is my attempt at a love letter to get us to talk again and be as close as we used to be. Hopefully, you’ll blush and send me epistles when you see it. 

    I love you so much, bestie. I can’t tell my story without you in it.

    Love,

    Simi❤️

  • 7 Ways to Make Your Home Feel Like Yours Again After a Breakup

    If your partner spent so much time in your home that it felt like they lived there, moving out is the easiest answer to getting over a breakup. But this is Buhari’s economy and your last name doesn’t end with $$. 

    So what happens when you can’t afford to rent a new place? Seven Nigerians who’ve had their hearts broken before shared tips on making your home feel like yours again.

    Yinka, 35

    Accept that you’ll be fine

    I spent five years with Susan*, and we lived together for four of them. When you start living with someone, especially if it’s a person you love, there’s a level of codependence that develops. 

    I found myself staying up until she got back from work so we could eat on our favourite couch together, or stopping myself from watching my favourite shows after work because we always watched them together. I didn’t know how to do things without my partner in mind; I forgot how to be alone.

    I can say you should get rid of everything your partner ever touched, but every penny counts. To get over the codependence syndrome, you need to start doing things alone in your home and loving it. Make dinner, open your favourite bottle of wine and enjoy sitting on your couch alone. FaceTiming a friend helps if you need the company to get through it.

    Chika*, 28

    Buy a fragrance you’ve never tried before

    I started living with my boyfriend a year ago and rather than grow closer, we saw a lot of differences that couldn’t be overlooked. So we broke up after three years of being together.

    Honestly, the best decision I made for myself was to switch up the fragrance of my home. Months after my partner left, I could still smell him all over my pillows and couch. I mean, my house was small so it was hard not to have his perfume fill the room. But it was different when he stopped coming over. 

    I was holding on to the sense of familiarity his scent left, and that made it harder to want to be home. Nobody had to tell me to buy a scented candle and reset my nose. I didn’t think I loved vanilla as much as I do now. So find something new and let it fill your home with a new scent.

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    Susan*, 30

    Sleep on their side of the bed

    Please accept that your partner is never coming to your house again. You can toss out everything they own — like I did — and still feel like a stranger in your own home. For instance, my ex-partner always slept on the side of our bed that’s closer to the door because he thought it was the manly thing to do. 

    When he left, I just couldn’t imagine sleeping on his side. Even when I bought new bedsheets, it felt odd being on “his side” of the bed.

    My dear, you need to get over the love and let yourself rollover. Start by sitting on their side of your bed every morning. 

    Lanre, 32

    Host your friends at your home

    I think I forgot how wholesome platonic friendships are when I started dating. My friends barely came over because almost every night became date night while my partner and I lived together. So you can imagine how horrible my evenings have been in the last two years without a Netflix and chill buddy.

    At the state of this year [2022], I knew I couldn’t keep up with my self-inflicted loneliness. Inviting my friends to come over for random game nights and drinks is something I look forward to now, especially during important football games. Reconnecting with your guys makes things a lot less gloomy at home.

    Peace*, 29

    Pack up the things that slow down your healing process

    There’s nothing I hated more than the couch in my living room. Every time I walked into my house, it was a reminder of how close I was to getting married. How close I’d gotten to finally being the object of the “God when” phrase. I hated all the memories on that couch. The sex, laughs and tears. It hurt to think about.

    I ended up giving the chair to my neighbour. After that, walking into my home didn’t feel entirely depressing. Of course, it didn’t take away the fact that I wanted to call him almost every day, but at least, there were some days I forgot about the couch.

    RELATED: Love Life: Talking About Our Breakup Helped Us Find Closure

    Dare*, 27

    Throw her skincare products away

    Long distance is the only reason my babe and I broke up, so I’m still bitter about it. To make myself feel better, I tossed out all the skincare products she left behind. She got them for my pimples, but I’d rather have them than keep thinking of her every single time I wash my face.

    Hameedah, 29

    Clear your kitchen

    When I was dating my partner, she enjoyed Indian curries, so I bought all the masala spices to experiment with dishes for her. When we broke up, I hated going into my kitchen because everything reminded me of her absence. 

    Beyond the spices, I hated how I nursed her favourite coffee mugs and plates. Let’s just say I accidentally broke them. Even though I still had to clean everything up, I felt a bit pacified from letting out the rage. I got to clean out my kitchen too. So it was a win-win, I guess. 

    ALSO READ: How You Know You Are Ready to Break Up With Your Boyfriend

  • #ToHER: I Can’t Tell Anyone I Miss You Because We Didn’t Get to See

    We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.

    From: Asa, who wishes she met her older sister at least once

    To: Barbara, the older sister who’s gone but not forgotten

    Dear Barbara,

    Is there a thing like missing someone you never met?

    I hardly speak about losing you. I often think people won’t understand or they’d believe I’m looking for sympathy if I tell them I miss you though we never met. All I have are memories from our parents. But I miss you, sister. 

    To me, family is thicker than physical. Family is always family. 

    Dear Barbara, I’m grown now. Well, still evolving. But my perspective on life has changed. I’m on this journey of taking my love for writing more seriously, and  I wonder if you’d be proud of me. I’m hoping you would, and I hope you don’t mind that this letter is about you.

    Dear Barbara, I look out for our younger sister. I know you’d do the same if you were here, and sometimes I wish you were here to look out for me too. Some days, I feel alone. But the thought that you would’ve been my best friend comforts me. I hear you whisper every time to me, “You’re strong.” Please don’t stop. 

    RELATED: I’m Lonely and Sometimes Wish I Had a Larger Family

    Dear Barbara, mummy is also okay. I can’t help but think she wishes you were here. I want her to talk about you, but I don’t know if the pain is still there, so I’ll just manage the little I know of you. Like your name and how much mum loved you. I promise I’ll take care of her and our younger sister.

    Everyone else is doing okay, and I can’t wait for life to keep bringing everything it has for us. 

    Dear Barbara, I’ll name your niece after you. Keep shining in heaven. I love you and one day, I’ll see you.  Until then, I’ll see you in the stars and the butterflies, my sister. 

    All my heart,

    Ada

    Letters #ToHER will be ending in September. We have one more slot to share a letter, so click here if you’d like to write one too.

    If You Liked reading this, then you should read this next: I Wish I Had an Elder Sister

  • Interview With Dollar: “I’m Too Sexy for This World”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.


    With Nigerians buying $1 at ₦680 in 2022, we knew it was time to bring Dollar in for questioning. Turns out Dollar is a Beyoncé fan on a quest for world domination.


    [Dollar has agreed to meet with Zikoko under terms of sworn secrecy. After three days of journeying, our blindfold is taken off and lights come on in an undisclosed location.]

    [Dollar arrives surrounded by his guards.]

    Zikoko: Was all of this really necessary?

    Dollar: When you’re big, you’re big.

    Zikoko: Can we at least get a seat? It took us days to get here. 

    [Dollar snaps his fingers and one of the guards brings a chair.]

    Zikoko: Thanks. So what’s been going on with you? The people want to know why you’ve been so scarce.

    Dollar: Beyoncé already said it. I’m way too sexy for this world.

    Zikoko: By world, do you mean just Nigeria?

    Dollar: Is that why you’re here? I thought you wanted this interview to get to know me.

    Zikoko: You’ve risen more times than Jesus Christ this year. What we want to know is, why?

    Dollar: I’ve told Nigeria that the situation with Naira is out of my control. And I’ve begged her to stop sending me emails and calling me at odd hours. I don’t appreciate her constant interruptions on my off-days.

    Zikoko: But…

    Dollar: There are powers even greater than me in this world.

    Zikoko: You mean Pounds? 

    Dollar: For my protection, I can’t name names. But I can tell you how it all started.

    Zikoko: I’m listening.

    Dollar: [clears throat] You were a child or possibly not even born when Naira and I met on a cold night in 1973. 

    Before then, Naira was almost on the same level as me because Queen Lizzie had Nigerians using pound shillings. Pounds was at the top of the world even in the 70s. And my guys didn’t really like that.

    Zikoko: Jealousy is not a good colour on you.

    Dollar: No, but power is. And Queen Lizzie got in the way of that. I was sick of her.

    Maybe I’d respect Lizzie more if she was Queen Bey. Bey gets me.

    Zikoko: Uhm… Can we stay on track?

    Dollar: I’ve been around since 1792, that’s 230 years on earth, so you better watch your tone. Where was I?

    Ah yes, Pounds.

    My beef with Lizzie wasn’t important because I had to play nice. You know what they say, in the art of war, it’s best to keep your enemies close.

    Zikoko: And the enemies here are…?

    Dollar: My memory fails me. Where was I?

    Ah yes, Lizzie my enemy.

    Zikoko: Why does it feel like Nigeria was a pawn in your sick game of world domination?

    Dollar: At least a pawn plays a game. You guys might as well have been the board. I didn’t have to lift a finger.

    Zikoko: Educate us

    Dollar: When Queen Lizzie got kicked out in 1960, Nigeria decided she was better off taking charge of her financial affairs and officially issued the naira in 1973.


    Naira was rolling with the big boys and trading at ₦1 for 10 UK Shillings and 90 Kobo to $1. But the cookie started crumbling. Without Lizzie ruling, Naira was playing a game of Russian roulette.

    Zikoko: Oshey bendownselect Wes Anderson. Look D… Can I call you D? Feels like we’re buddies now.

    Dollar: I might have bounded and gagged you before you got here, but you need to calm down. I won’t be referred to as a phallus.

    Zikoko: Cool. So D, we’re the biggest suppliers of crude oil in West Africa. That has to count for something.

    Dollar: Do you remember the parable of the 10 virgins waiting for their bridegroom? I am the five virgins that passed the test. Z!, I have reserves.

    Zikoko: Maybe we should unpack why 12 virgins were waiting for one brideg—

    Dollar: Look, you’re basically buying your oil back from countries with the infrastructure to refine it. And that means Nigeria has to buy everything with currencies like me. Word on the street is that you people are still importing toothpicks.

    Do you get the full picture? I’m not the cause of Nigeria’s problems. You people are doing yourselves.

    Zikoko: Wow. Do you have any advice for us?

    Dollar: It’s simple, really. You’re owing the world $45.2 billion, I’m owing $28.4 trillion. But how many times have you seen the world come to drag me? When you act like the best, you’ll be regarded as the best.

    Your celebrities understand this. Maybe they should lead the country.

    Zikoko: Nawa. So the price of sardine will never go down?

    Dollar: The only way is up.

    Zikoko: *Cries*

    Dollar: I’ll take my leave now. And please, no more calls for interviews except you’ve secured one with Bey and me. Or at least, recognise I’m way too sexy for this world.

    [The blindfolds come on again and all we hear is D’s footsteps storming off.]

    READ NEXT: Interview With Twitter Bird: “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”

  • My Dad Was My Hero Until He Chose Cigarettes Over Loving Me

    In this story, Susan* talks about her experience growing up with a dad who smokes cigarettes at least three times a day. She shares how it’s affected their relationship and her views on the idea of smoking as an adult.

    Source: Upsplash

    I held my first pack of cigarettes when I was four years old. My dad and I should’ve been on the road trying to beat the rush hour traffic between our home in Festac town and my school at Victoria Island. But he’d forgotten a very important file upstairs, so I was in the back seat of the car waiting. 

    Whenever I found myself idle in the car, I liked to poke around, hoping to find some leftover sweets from my mum’s purse or change stuffed between the car seats. That day wasn’t any different, except what I found was a pack of cigarettes. Of course, I had no idea what I was holding at the time.   I’d grow up to realise it was my father’s addiction. But I remember how quickly he snatched it out of my hands when he found me taking out a stick from the pack. 

    Thinking about that moment makes me wonder how many things we witness as kids with no understanding of how much trauma they cause in our lives. My dad was an addict who loved the high of alcohol. My mum had been doing a good job of hiding it, so my dad was my hero. He’d pick me up from school almost every day, and we’d spend at least an hour at a restaurant close by, talking about my day. I loved those moments.

    But as I got older, I slowly realised my dad wasn’t everything my four-year-old mind had summed him up to be. 


    RELATED: The One Thing My Nigerian Dad Taught Me


    When I was six, my family moved to Abuja. And then I became a lot more aware of how much time he spent outside of the house and in the backyard, smoking and drinking. My Primary three health class had taught me a little about what smoking was and why it was bad, so to me, Daddy simply become a bad man. 

    But I was a bit conflicted on whether smoking was really bad. Part of what my health teacher said was that cigarettes were only okay in colder regions like Europe and America. My dad had spent the last two years in Wales, so maybe he was just cold and still needed it. 

    While I was conflicted, I can almost choke on the memory of the cigarette smell that came through my bedroom window every evening. Maybe he thought I was asleep and wouldn’t notice how he closed my window to keep the smell from entering my bedroom, but I was always wide awake. 

    I’d actually stopped sleeping when the backyard smoking began. Not just from the choking smell, but from the drunken arguments that quickly ensued between him and my mum when he was done in the backyard. By this time, I just never felt safe when he was home. If he was coming into a room, I’d greet him and leave almost immediately. But he didn’t care enough to ask why.

    It didn’t get better in my teens. Whenever he was home, he was either asleep or smoking; we no longer had a relationship because he barely said anything to me, and when he did, it was to yell. Now in my 20s, I watch him smoke three times a day, every day — each cigarette stick comes at the end of each meal — not including the sticks he smokes when he’s out with friends before coming home from work.


    RELATED: 9 Tips To Help You Quit Smoking Cigarettes


    I’ve had every opportunity to smoke, but I associate cigarettes with the angry, sad and distant person my dad became. You can say alcohol played a bigger role in his anger issues, but I’ve seen him smoke more times than I’ve seen him drink. It’s like he smokes for some kind of escape. From what? I don’t know. 

    But I recently got a little insight into why smoking is so important to him. First, it was a brief conversation with my mum where I outrightly asked her why she decided to be with someone who finds more solace in smoking than in being with her. She explained how he’d grown up with 13 step-siblings in Warri and a father who didn’t care much for him. 

    His mum had left his dad when he took in a second wife. My mum went on about how he may have felt abandoned by his mum, and his step-mum maltreating him didn’t make things easier. Without parents who cared about his whereabouts, he was off smoking and drinking with the neighbourhood guys as early as 10 years old. He’s been smoking ever since. He’s 50 years old now.

    “My mum was attracted to his bad-boy side”

    My mum was attracted to his bad-boy side when they met at the University of Benin. She’s quite reserved, so I guess it was appealing to have someone bubbly and outgoing give her some attention. But why did the marriage last? “I didn’t think he’d keep up the lifestyle when we had kids,” she said. And after that? “I stayed for my children,” she said. It was hilarious because the reason she stayed led to many sleepless nights for me. 

    Fear is the only good excuse I can make up to avoid blaming her. Yes, maybe the uncertainty of leaving someone she’s loved since her university days were too difficult to picture, so she said. That’s the best scenario I can make up for her. Sympathy may have been another reason, but I don’t have the energy to sympathise because they could’ve done better.

    “We all think we’re different from our parents, but we sometimes end up slowly becoming them as adults.”

    I never confirmed the story with my dad, but he has talked about days he didn’t get to eat at home because his step-mum refused to give him food. I understand how the hurt he experienced as a kid trickled into who he is now. It could easily trickle to me because I’m experiencing his pain physically and emotionally. That’s why I can’t imagine smoking.

    I’ve chalked up his addiction to sadness, as, at 50, he’s now at a point where he’s worked all his life and has very little to show for it. Unlike his mates who’re driving cars or buying houses, he seems to be stuck. So maybe, this time, smoking helps him hide from the reality that he never did well for himself. But then, these are my made-up excuses for him.

    Maybe I’m misguided for thinking I can be better than my dad. After all, we all think we’re different from our parents, but we sometimes end up slowly becoming them as adults. While I can’t fully control how my trauma manifests itself, the choice to smoke or drink is something I can control. It may not be enough in the long run, but for now, that’s my benchmark for not ending up like my dad. 

    The same applies to who I eventually marry. I don’t want a man who has vices more important than me or our kids. I know I’m aware not everyone smokes or drinks for the same reasons, but I don’t want someone who isn’t honest enough to admit when he’s deflecting worries and emotions with addictive substances. 

    I can’t say I’ll ever sum up the courage to ask my dad why he’s willing to spend his life slowly killing his lungs, but I’m so angry that dying doesn’t seem to scare him even though he has a family. And if he does get sick, his family will bear the burden. I’ve seen him cough around the house and drink agbo in an attempt to manage it. But who’s he fooling? All I can hope for is that my dad never gets to the point of a terminal illness. 

    I also don’t know if I’ve forgiven him enough for letting me choke on cigarette fumes since I was six. I haven’t noticed any side effects — and honestly, I haven’t bothered to check — but those experiences have kept me from indulging in cigarettes like my dad. 

    In our own ways, there are things we run away from to avoid being just like our parents.


    *subject’s name has been changed to protect her identity.


    Liked this story? I bet you’ll like this too: The Day We Started Dating Is the Day I Stopped Smoking

  • For Actual Snail Lovers: 7 Tricks to Get Cheap Snail in an Expensive Economy

    The Big Brother Naija Season 7 host, Ebuka Obi-Uchendu, tweeted a very valid question asking how people are still eating snails in this economy. And we’re here to tell you exactly how to eat snails without breaking the bank.

    Pepper is expensive, bring your own

    To enjoy the rich and moist flavours of snail, you need to pair it with pepper sauce; it’s best served hot and spicey. So bring the pepper from your house and maybe the chef will reduce the price. But I can’t say eating them raw doesn’t bang as well.

    Start catching them yourself

    If you think the price of snails is too much, you need to start catching your own. You and the chef will have a feast because who doesn’t want free snails? So the more of them you find, the merrier.

    Ask them to serve you with the shell

    You know cracking off the shell of a snail is not like breaking open an egg, right? It’s time-consuming and you’ll almost always end up with a cut from trying to get it off. I’d say the solution is for restaurants to start serving the snails with their shells on. You can’t deny that there’s some appeal to the stress of finally stripping off a hard shell.

    Quit your job and become a snail farmer

    Snails are easier to find during the rainy season, so restaurants charge that much because they’re seasonal. So what you can do is quit your job and become a snail farmer. Harvest as many as you can and start a supply chain. 

    Find a 30+ man that loves local bars and beer

    Snails are expensive because 30+ men love to order them with beer while watching football at their local bars. So to find cheap snails, I’ll advise you to start going to local bars and attach yourself to 30+ snail lovers. Avoid Manchester United fans sha, they don’t have any joy.

    RELATED: 8 Things That Taste Better When They’re Free

    Offer to help the chef clean it

    Another stressful step to prepping snails is getting rid of that sliminess. You can offer your expertise to local restaurants and offer to clean them. Preferably after they’ve at least been steamed.

    Just make more money

    Snail is not a local champion and probably deserves the hype it’s getting. In France, they’re called escargots and 6 – 12 pieces can cost between $15 – $50 (₦6k – ₦21k). So as you can see, snail is a world-class dish and not for the poor. 

    If you read this article with any other thing in mind, I’ll advise you to check yourself.

    ALSO READ: The Chopists Guide To Getting Free Food

  • If You Have a Best Friend, She’s Definitely One of These 10 Girls

    Since I started writing Letters #ToHER, I’ve come across the sweetest words shared between friends. But I’ve also seen best friends that barely care to hug each other. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that the most successful friendships always fit into one of these 10 duos.

    The babe that has at least five foundations lined up in her drawer: 

    And the friend that can’t do makeup to save her life :

    Is a friendship really complete if one friend doesn’t always need help getting ready for events? I can’t imagine such.

    The friend that goes on the wildest dates and brings all the tea:

    And the friend that’s planning to marry her secondary school crush:

    Don’t you just love a duo with one friend who shows wickedness on the streets and another who tensions everyone on social media with “God when” vibes? 

    RELATED: 7 Reasons Why You Will Continue Saying “God When”

    The ballsy friend that doesn’t take crap from anybody:

    The ajebo friend that needs ginger to try new things:

    Blood Sisters is one movie that sums up what this type of friendship looks like. You have the babe that’s willing to kill for her friend and the babe that’ll ride or die with her crazy friend.

    The planner:

    The carefree friend that trusts the universe to decide what happens in life:

    Someone has to take charge of the future while the other person schedules periods to calm down.

    The besties who have their periods in sync and have an attitude together:

    Every real friendship has to be sealed by tears, blood and period cramps.

    RELATED: 7 Things About Periods That Are More Annoying Than Bleeding

    The anxious friend that doesn’t realise how smart she is:

    The friend that’s always on standby to hype her bestie:

    Every girl needs a babe friend that’ll hype her up unprovoked and knows exactly how to get her energy up.

    The bestie who’s a social media influencer:

    And the bestie that has to give feedback before every video and picture goes up and still hypes a post like she’s never seen it in her life:

    Behind every creative is a bestie who doubles as a manager and hype woman.

    The bestie who’s married,  a hot mum and premium pie:

    And the bestie who’s single and prefers to play the rich aunty role forever: 

    Imagine the joy of getting to play mummy and returning the kids back to their real mummy when you’re over them. That’s the joy of every rich aunty out there.

    The gym babe that’s all about the squats:

    And the bestie that has the superpower to eat five times a day without adding weight:

    How can we all benefit from the superpower of eating without spending the whole day sucking in our tummies? These are global issues we need to address. 

    The pasta babe that only wants to eat out:

    And the bestie who doubles as an accountant:

    It’s either your bestie goes broke and spends months on your couch, or you put on your accountant hat and play devil’s advocate anytime she wants to squander money in the name of enjoyment.

    The ride-or-die besties that only say  “I love you” once in a blue moon

    ALSO READ: Manage This Hug for the Next Three Years

  • What She Said: I Was Deported From the UK at 28, and I Have No Regrets

    Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.

    Image credit: Upsplash, @vitaelondon

    This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 45-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about spending the last 22 years in the UK moving from one menial job to another, not wanting her daughter to see her retire as a shop worker and finally going back to university.

    What’s something about life you’re enjoying?

    Working towards going back to school next year. It hasn’t been easy though. I didn’t think I’d actually care to get another degree after my bachelor’s in education in 1999. It took three months for me to even find my university certificate to apply for the programme I’m currently considering.

    So what prompted your decision to go back to school?

    After 14 years of working in retail stores in the UK, I’d like to get a proper white-collar job, possibly in a government office as administrative staff. 

    Retail is a time-consuming and physically tasking job. As I get older, I don’t see myself being able to keep up with loading shelves and working late nights. 

    An office job would come with much higher health insurance and retirement fund than my current job, and I’d get to close at 6 p.m. and stay home with my husband and daughter during public holidays. 

    Now that my daughter is eight and a lot more independent, I can sit down to work on my applications without so many distractions.

    Before your daughter, what made getting a new job difficult?

    I got into the UK illegally in 2001. I couldn’t settle in as an immigrant until 2008 when I married her dad. So at first, retail jobs were a means to getting paid in cash rather than opening up a bank account. It’s not possible to get one without proper papers.

    Omo. So how did you get into the UK?

    Through my older sister. She and her husband decided to take a trip with their three-year-old daughter to Cardiff, in 2001 and took me along. I was 24. After two months of living there, I couldn’t imagine coming back to Nigeria. I lived in Lagos with no job or real plans for the future. So when it was time to return, I told my sister I wanted to stay back. 

    Of course, she advised against it, but I felt I could manage on my own.

    And she was cool with that?

    No. But she couldn’t physically drag me back. 

    Image credit: iStock clipart

    Did you have any plans?

    I’d heard stories of a lot of Nigerians moving to the UK by refusing to leave after coming for a holiday. Of course, no one ever named names, but I knew there was some truth to the gossip. I felt like I could do the same.

    I didn’t think beyond staying back with the family friend we’d stayed with during our two-month holiday.

    So how did you scale through?

    Well, I got a cleaning job that paid cash. They didn’t ask me questions about my work permit. And since my brother-in-law schooled in Cardiff for his master’s, he was able to get me fake working papers through some of his friends.

    You weren’t caught. How?

    I made sure I didn’t walk around unnecessarily. If I didn’t have any houses to clean, I was home. But I knew hiding didn’t change the reality that I could be caught at any time. All it took was one random ID check or a phone call to the police from a colleague who didn’t like me. I made it as far as I did because of God. 

    My sister was also a huge support system. Back then, renewing visas wasn’t as complicated as it is now. So whenever my sister or her husband had a friend going back to Nigeria, I’d give them my passport and they’d pay for it to get stamped. We did that like once a year.

    Wow

    Yeah. We tried to tick all the boxes as much as we could under the radar. Plus, Cardiff is a small town, so people rarely got into your business. 

    I can’t imagine what it felt like to constantly be afraid

    I wasn’t thinking about that. I made the decision to stay and understood the consequences. There was no going back.

    After almost two years of living with my friend, I had to find my own place. She’d gotten pregnant and wanted her boyfriend to move in. I never liked the guy. Imagine coming home to an entitled white man who didn’t seem to have any plans for his life. There was no way I’d be comfortable putting up with him in those tiny UK flats.

    Were you prepared to move out?

    Yes and no. I honestly didn’t have a plan on how to get a permanent residence visa in the UK, but I was saving up to explore my options with school. The sudden transition from having a home to potentially being homeless was going to slow down the process.

    So what happened next?

    I got another job. This time, one of my colleagues from the cleaning company linked me with a man who needed someone to manage a home for homeless old people around the neighbourhood. He needed someone to make sure things didn’t get out of hand whenever he was out of town.

    The pay wasn’t great. But at least, I got a room to myself and didn’t have to pay for rent anymore. 

    He didn’t do a background check on you?

    He was an old man. I don’t think he cared. I just had to reassure him I had two years of experience in cleaning. The work extended to much more than cleaning though — I had to manage the daily activities of the guests — but what other options did I have?

    What gave you peace of mind, considering your illegal status?

    Mostly church. It was my happy place; my faith kept me together. I also had someone I started dating in 2004. We met in church when I first moved to the UK and things gradually grew between us. He was a Jamaican man born in Britain.

    He knew about my situation and supported me the best he could, but there were days I just wanted to go back home. 

    When did things start coming together for you?

    2008. But before then, things completely fell apart.

    What happened?

    I decided to get a new job in 2005. I’d spent a year working at the house, but I didn’t feel fulfilled spending my entire day stuck inside. I started to look out for store jobs that paid in cash. I didn’t want to continue with a cleaning job.

    How’d that go?

    The job I got was at a food store owned by an older Nigerian woman. She was a citizen, and quite friendly, so I opened up about my issues with documentation to her. It took me four months to get to that point of trust, but it was the worst mistake I made in the UK. 

    A few weeks after our conversation, immigration officers showed up at the store. Luckily, I was walking down to the store with my boyfriend that morning, so he followed me to their office.

    Do you think your boss snitched?

    Maybe. I never got a chance to confront her. Anyone working at the store could’ve overheard our conversation, or even a customer, who knows? But they came straight toward me, and I knew the last four years were going down the drain.

    Omo

    They took me to their office and things moved fast from there. 

    Since my boyfriend was a British citizen, he was able to intervene.

    How?

    The paid visa I’d gotten through my sister had expired a few weeks before I was caught. So my boyfriend told the officers he was the reason I hadn’t gone back to my country yet. He explained he wanted to travel back to Nigeria with me to get married, hence the delay. He also got a good immigration lawyer to plead for my passport to not be stamped since we’d be getting married soon.

    Did you still have to leave the country?

    Yes. I had a week to pack up and leave. But a year later, my boyfriend came to Nigeria for our wedding. We got married and moved to the UK immediately after our marriage certificates were ready.

    Before then, I won’t deny I’d lost hope. I wasn’t happy to be back in Lagos sharing a room with my niece and not having anything tangible to do every day. But I kept in touch with my partner through phone calls, and sometimes, Facebook.

    A part of me felt ashamed.

    Why shame?

    At 28, and after four years of living abroad, I didn’t have anything good to show for it. Compared to my older sister, my life was pretty unsuccessful. She was 31, married with two kids at that point, and to my parents, those were achievements. Praying was the only thing that kept me together during that one year in Lagos.

    Thinking about it now, would you have done things differently?

    No. I’m happy I took the risk in my early 20s. It wasn’t the wisest decision, but I’m here today. The struggle taught me I can survive anything. That’s why I’m not bothered about going back to school at 45.

    The only thing I’d change is coming back to the UK in 2008 after we got married, and sticking to the same menial jobs because it was the only thing I knew how to do. I don’t want to retire as a store attendant.

    I hope you’re able to change careers

    Thank you. I also want my daughter to be proud of me. I see how excited she gets when my husband talks about his job as a psychiatrist. I want her to look at me with the same pride when I talk about my day too.

    If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why

  • My First Real Boyfriend Was Unemployed, but That Wasn’t Why We Broke Up

    Like me, you probably come across the “never dating a broke babe or guy” conversation at least once a day on social media. But I was curious about how someone who’s actually had an unemployed partner feels about that hot take. In this article, Dolapo* shares her experience. 

    She opened up about the first real relationship she had after university. Initially, it was all about looks, but the night they finally hung out, Dolapo* realised there was a lot more to his pretty face. My burning question: What kept them together, and would she do it all over again even though their relationship didn’t last?

    My Cute, Resilient and Broke Lover as Told to Ortega

    I was 21 when I got into my first official relationship. Before meeting this person, I was in university, so I’d only dated childhood friends, nothing serious. 

    We met when I was in the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in 2016. I was working at a radio station in Abuja, and he showed up looking for a job at the time. When I saw him at the reception, my immediate thought was, “This guy is cute!” I noticed he was wearing a Catholic rosary ring, but he looked way too young to be married. Rather than stand and stare, I decided to walk up to him and ask. 

    Turned out he wasn’t married; he wore the ring because of his faith. The conversation went on with how I liked him and thought he was really cute. I wasn’t the kind of girl to shy away from being upfront, so it wasn’t awkward. 

    When he was done submitting his files, I asked my colleague for his phone number. My colleague was a presenter at the station trying to link my new crush with a job, and he didn’t think it was weird to shoot my shot if I liked him. I called that evening and invited him to my house the next day. Of course, we already had a vibe going on, so he showed up. 

    RELATED: 7 Hilarious Ways Nigerian Women Shoot Their Shots

    We shared a lot more about each other when he came over. He was only four years older than me. But that’s when he opened up about being laid over from his job at the bank nine months earlier and had been looking for a new one ever since. The 21-year-old me didn’t think it was a big deal. After all, my previous relationships were with students who were also unemployed. Maybe it would’ve made a difference if I’d dated proper adults with a job back in uni. 

    Besides, I just wanted to have fun. I didn’t think anything would last since I’d be moving back to Lagos at the end of my service year. 

    I can’t even remember at what point we officially started dating, everything happened fast. That one evening he came over turned into seeing him every day after work, and that was it. He showed up at my office a lot because he was keen on working at that particular station as a presenter. When I asked him why he wanted to move from banking to presenting, he went on about experiencing something more creative. And you don’t need to have a specific background to get into a radio station, so I didn’t dwell on it.

    Of course, he also wanted our relationship hush hush so it didn’t ruin his chances of getting in. But in the whole year, we were together, he never got the job. While we dated, I tried persuading him to try another station. But, he was bent on famzing my colleagues, hoping they’d pull one or two strings. 

    RELATED: “My Life Ended When I started NYSC” — A Week In The Life Of A Tired Youth Corps Member

    Asides from the issue of getting a job, I did enjoy spending time with him. He was nice, funny, and obviously, cute. We knew how to have fun together too. The sex was also so great I’m sure we wouldn’t have made it through an entire year of dating otherwise. A part of me loved how available he was. Working at a media company meant I had really long days except during CDS. We didn’t even observe public holidays because we always had to be on air. So, it was convenient having someone who could easily visit me. 

    His availability became an issue when working in a busy environment meant I couldn’t always take his calls or respond to a message quickly enough.  His typical day was calling me in the morning, sending texts during the day and showing up at my house between 6 p.m. and 9 p.m., depending on how long I’m at the office. Trying to match that energy all the time got tiring after a few months. Yet, I needed the company because I didn’t have a lot of friends in Abuja.

    We never celebrated milestones in our relationship. Six months went by without any date out or gifts, and so did our first anniversary. But the major issue was depending on my NYSC allowance to buy food for both of us anytime he came over. I never brought it up though. I understood he relied on his savings from his bank job and allowance from his older brother. 

    There was never anyone to think through the situation with. I didn’t see the need to share it with my old friends. It was just him and I in our little bubble. And that worked for me at 21. I didn’t need much more than the comfort of having someone to talk to, laugh and enjoy intimacy with after a long day. That’s why everything needed to end when it was time to move back to Lagos. 

    NYSC was over. The carefree life in Abuja needed to come to an end. There was no way a long-distance relationship could work because what was going for us was the physical presence; his fine face was my first attraction and the sex was what kept us together. Without the ability to see each other at every whim, there wasn’t much left.

    RELATED: How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship as a Nigerian Man

    I geared myself to break up with him, but he beat me to it. I guess he knew the end was inevitable. I was glad he took that responsibility away from me, but I was sad, really sad. The last time I heard from him, he’d finally gotten a job. But it was with one of the shitty radio stations in Abuja. He actually moved to Lagos this year, so we jam sometimes. But our conversations never go beyond a “hello” or “hi”.

    Nothing about the year I spent dating him makes me feel like I can ever date an unemployed guy. I’ve never relied on anyone for anything, but I’d still want my partner to actively look out for jobs or at least start a business. That was something he never did at the time. He was stuck on one thing, and that’s not how life works.

    Heck, the guy I started dating a year after our breakup, currently doesn’t have a job because he’s relocating soon and had to resign. That’s the kind of unemployed love that eventually works out. We’re both pulling our weight for a better future, so the momentary delay doesn’t matter.

    ALSO READ: 6 Women on the Burden of Being Breadwinners in Their Families

  • If Your Jollof Rice Game Isn’t 100 Yet, These 8 Hacks Will Help Your Life

    As a full-grown adult, how are you still making soggy, tasteless or half-done jollof rice? Your ancestors would be ashamed, dear. Here are eight hacks to elevate that semi-white rice you’ve been cooking.

    Measure things out

    I know we talk about adding ingredients as the spirit leads, but jollof rice is nobody’s mate. You can see people like Sisi Yemi measuring the ratio of tomatoes to pepper, and you’re there forming chef. Better click any of these jollof rice videos and pick a recipe.

    Try crayfish

    Crayfish is an underrated ingredient that more people need to try. Add crayfish to anything and get an instant earthy taste that takes you back to eating jollof rice in the village — maybe it’s the Igbo babe in me talking. But crayfish will save your jollof rice when all hope is lost.

    RELATED: 9 Types Of Jollof Rice That Slap

    Add green, yellow and red peppers

    With jollof rice, you have to find what works for you. One hack I’ve found is to add green, yellow and red peppers to my tomato and pepper mix. Compared to ata rodo, they aren’t as spicey, and they help tone down the tangy taste of tomatoes. 

    Add stock to your tomato and pepper blend

    Blend your ingredients with meat stock rather than water. Less water allows more flavour from the ingredients to come through; stop drowning all the flavour in water. Also, add some ground garlic and ginger if that’s your jam.

    Cover the pot with foil to soften your rice

    Please, stop pouring water every time you open the pot. Lower the heat, cover the bottom of the lid with foil paper to trap the steam and the rice will get soft. Think of it like making moi-moi, the steam is what actually cooks it. 

    RELATED: Flaming Hot Heaven: An Illustrated History Of Jollof Rice

    Use the same oil to fry everything

    How much flavour gets into it is what separates basic jollof from party jollof. Next time, fry your meat first, then use the oil to caramelise your onions and fry your pepper mix. This important process forces the spices from your meat and onions into the oil and makes the rice taste better.

    Add charcoal

    Yes, dear. We know the charcoal taste from firewood bangs, but who has the energy? I tried this hack that made my jollof rice come close to the taste, so you’re welcome. Just wrap one charcoal in foil paper and put it in when the rice is almost ready. If you don’t know where to find charcoal, sorry.

    Just buy the rice

    The reality may be that making jollof rice is not your thing. Order from Iya Sukirat and rest.

    ALSO READ: “I Pay ₤60 to Eat Jollof Rice in Germany” — 9 Nigerians in Diaspora Talk About Nigerian Foods They Miss

  • #ToHER: I Wish You Could Watch Me Graduate from Medical School, Mum

    We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.

    From: Arike, the woman who sees herself as an extension of her mum

    To: Iya Arike, a woman who’s deeply missed

    Iya Arike,

    I’ve thought about everything I wanted to write in this letter every day that led up to this moment. But here I am at past 1 in the morning and nothing seems perfect or right. I guess that’s because none of this is right. I shouldn’t be writing this letter talking about the crushing pain in my chest from missing you so much. I think “I miss you so much it hurts,” is such a hauntingly beautiful line whenever I come across it in novels. But now I’m experiencing it, all I see and feel is the unending pain in my chest from losing you.

    It’s been over a year now, but it feels like just yesterday, you took your last breath in my arms. It feels like just yesterday, I was scrambling to remember everything I learnt about CPR from medical school so I could bring you back from what should’ve been a nap. It’ll always feel like just yesterday, I felt my heart plummet to my feet when I realised you were gone.

    But a million and one things have happened since you’ve been gone. The earth had the audacity to keep spinning as my entire world was crumbling without you. I’m stuck with so many questions I don’t have answers to, mummy. 

    RELATED: I Still Haven’t Found a Better Gist Partner, Mum

    I have no idea who I am anymore. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself. The person staring back at me cannot be your Arikenke. But then, how can I be Arike without you Iya Arike? How can I live with just the memories of you? Memories of the past? I’m so lost without you.

    You spoke way too much about the future to not be in it with me, mummy. You had the outfit you’d wear for my induction planned. You spoke so fondly about my wedding, how you’d come to do omugwo and how my siblings and our future families would all come back home for the Christmas holidays. “You can spend new year’s with your inlaws”, you’d say. 

    As it stands, you’ve missed three graduations so far, and it hurts that you’ll miss mine too. Damn, you’ll miss everything you spoke about mummy. The beautiful visions of the future you always painted with your words will always exist in my mind, but reality will never measure up.

    It’s funny how when I was younger, I’d always disagree with people when they say I look like you. The daddy’s girl in me just wouldn’t allow it. But here I am now, basking in those comments I now consider compliments. Because if I turn out to be like you, that’d be the best thing I can aspire to be. 

    RELATED: If Your Mother Is Your Best Friend, You Can Relate

    Is it weird that I think you’re my soulmate, mummy? Because it should be impossible to love and miss you as much as I do if you aren’t an extension of me. I guess this is why I feel like people who met me after you passed will never truly know me. They’d never truly know the Arike who was loved so dearly and intentionally by her mother. You were all the best parts of me. 

    My heart will love you forever, Iya Arike. My thoughts will always stray to memories of you, and my soul will yearn for yours as long as there is breath in my lungs. 

    Watch over your baby, mummy. I’m just trying my best and in way more pain than I let on. 

    All of my love, 

    Your Arikenke.

    Letters #ToHER will be ending in September. We have two more slots to share a letter, so click here if you’d like to write one too.

    ALSO READ: 8 Hard-to-Miss Signs Your Mum is Really Happy You’re Her Daughter

  • If You’re Really a Sweet Tooth, Try Eating Honey with These Foods Today

    If we can get you drunk with honey, just imagine the endless possibilities with it. Here are eight snacks you need to try with honey for the ultimate sweet tooth experience.

    Honey and ice cream

    The star of the show. Caramel is a pretty nice topping, but there’s something about the natural taste of honey and vanilla ice cream topped with crushed wafers that just works.

    Honey and oatmeal

    Pick honey over sugar next time you want to have oatmeal. The trick is to add more water to dissolve the thick honey paste. I promise you’ll never go back to sugar after this.

    Honey and pancakes

    I don’t get why people bother with syrup when honey exists. It’s much healthier than pancake syrup, so you don’t have to feel guilty pouring it all over your pancakes.

    RELATED: A Very Nigerian Pancake Recipe

    Honey and Golden Morn

    Don’t knock it till you try it Golden Morn and sugar with lots of milk is already a hit and you’ll only contest this if you’re a semo lover. But Golden Morn and honey? That’s something you need to try while snuggled in on rainy nights.

    Honey and apples

    Peanut butter and apples work as a midnight snack if you’re feeling peckish, but if you’re looking for something sweet, honey and apples are your go-to. And if you now blend that combo with cucumber, you’ll get a really nice smoothie as a breakfast meal.

    Honey, Greek yoghurt and chopped fruits

    Parfaits are already sweet because of the natural sugar in fruits. But if you’re a sweet tooth like me that wants to pretend to be fitfam and enjoy a sweet snack, add a teaspoon of honey to the yoghurt and thank me later.

    RELATED: If You Love Yoghurt, You’ll Relate To These 7 Things

    Honey and popcorn 

    Regular salt and sugar popcorn can get pretty boring, so honey-flavoured popcorn has been my new addiction when I go to the cinema. The only place I’ve had one is at Grand Square in Abuja, so maybe try this homemade version?

    Honey and puff puff

    I don’t rate puff puff, but glaze it with honey and it becomes a 10. Bonus points if it’s chocolate or red velvet puff puff.

    ALSO WATCH:  Puff Puff VRSUS Poff Poff

  • Pros and Cons to Consider Before You Get Eyelash Extensions

    Eyelash extensions are lifesavers on the days you want to look cute with minimum effort. But if you’re like me who doesn’t know the first thing about make-up, you may need details to help you decide if it’s a beauty hack you’d get into. I asked women who’ve been on the trend for the pros and cons, and here’s what they shared:

    Pro: With lash extensions, you don’t have to get into the hassle of using glue to get your lashes on every single time. With proper maintenance, they last for at least three weeks.

    Con: The first time you get lashes, you instinctively want to take them off at the end of the day. But sorry, sis. You’ll have them glued on for two to four weeks.


    Pro: You’ll always look like a baby girl, with or without makeup. Your lashes will be on fleek semi-permanently, so you don’t need to stress.

    Con: You’re stuck with one look for a month. With regular lashes, you can choose to go bare or with a dramatic or simple set, depending on the occasion. But with lashes you install, you’ll have to stick with any set you choose through thick or thin.


    RELATED: 8 Very Interesting Beauty Products


    Pro: It’s easy to find the right people to provide the service at home or the saloon. 

    Con: It can be expensive depending on where you’re located, but things typically range from ₦5k – ₦30k. And you’ll still need to either re-fill in 3 – 4 weeks or completely change them.


    Pro: You’ll never want to stop when you start because you’ll get so many compliments.

    Con: There’s a very thin line between looking pretty and looking like a crazy person. If your installation isn’t done properly, you may end up looking like you have feathers latched onto your eyelids. 


    Pro: You get to go to bed with your lashes and they won’t feel heavy on your eyelids.

    Con: They’ll fall off if you itch your eyes often, or pour water over your face when you bathe, because the glue gets weak. Here’s a video showing how you can wash your face without getting water all over your lashes.


    RELATED: Basic Tips to Know Before Getting a New Piercing


    Pro: Your makeup will be a lot more seamless since the lashes have already been fixed.

    Con: It makes it difficult to clean off your eyeliners when taking off your makeup. You’ll have to make micellar water your best friend. 


    Pro: You won’t need to wonder where you left them after coming back home hungover from a party. Those lashes won’t move, so they’ll never get lost. 

    Con: They’ll itch for the first 48 hours after installation. Use a spoolie brush if you really have to itch.

    If you’re thinking about getting dreadlocks, here’s something to get into: 7 Things They Don’t Tell You About Locking Your Hair

  • #ToHER: I’ve Been Too Absorbed With My Life to Notice Your Fake Smiles

    We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.

    From: Timah, a woman who wants to be as kind and present as her best friend

    To: Wunmi, the best friend going through a rough patch

    Dear Wunmi,

    I’m sincerely sorry I haven’t been a good friend in the last year. I’ve been selfish and way too absorbed by my woes to notice how difficult life has become since your relationship ended. Too absorbed to notice your fake smile at my weird jokes, or how you ignored my rude remarks about the break-up even though they hurt. I’m sorry I wasn’t as sensitive as you needed me to be.

    I always ascribed your incessant kindness to curiosity, but an epiphany has made me realise it stems from pure undiluted love.

    I have no idea how someone so selfless and kind would care about a narcissist like me. But I want you to know, although I can’t promise to change overnight, I’ll always make a conscious effort to overwhelm you with delicious acts of service.

    I want to go on dates with you — a soiree of some sort — as besties. I know taking pictures isn’t your forte, but imagine how we would freeze time with our awkward smiles and lopsided poses for shy girls.

    RELATED: The Introvert Guide to Making Friends

    I want us to binge on your favourite snacks, stuffing our faces with every last crumb. Watching as you try something new and complain bitterly about false advertising and overpriced unnecessaries, or sandwich a compliment between mouthful sighs to water down the aspersions.

    I want us to have sleepovers, comparing notes about past lovers, but eventually taking their sides and remembering only the good because we’re soft-hearted hard guys. I love our laughable combination of twisting and writhing we call dancing to loud evergreen songs. And doing it all while we’d sing wrong lyrics aloud without a care in the world. 

    Wunmi, I want to dance with you, then slowly slip away and watch you dance alone, smiling ear-to-ear with a tear in my eye upon the realisation that I’ve struck gold by being friends with you.

    RELATED: Here’s What Your Love Language Has to Say About You

    Complete happiness might not be realistic in this cracked-up world, so I pray for you to have complete contentment and a loving spouse who adores you. Anything less would be unacceptable.

    I love you so much, and I hope life smiles broadly at you in every aspect you need and more. Let’s always be in each other’s lives.

    Ifẹ ti Emi ko yẹ ni ohun ti o fun mi. O ti fẹràn mi lainidi. 

    Thanks for loving me, my friend.

    Your nonchalant sunshine,

    Timah

    We have three more slots for Letters #ToHER before it officially comes to an end. If you’d like to write a letter #ToHER, click here to tell us why

    ALSO READ: 8 Things to Know Before Making Friends as an Adult

  • What Makes 40+ Nigerians Feel Like They’re 20 Again? 9 of Them Explain

    It’s International Youth Day, so I decided to ask nine oldies what makes them feel young at heart. And I can’t lie, some of these guys are living life more than some people in their 20s.

    Tejiri*, 55, smoking

    I grew up in Warri and started smoking in secondary school. I started out with cigarettes, so it’s the only thing I really enjoy. I did try weed with a few friends in university, but it didn’t hit the same and I can’t explain why.

    Some people may look at smoking at least one cigarette after my meal as an addiction, but that time in my backyard late at night or early in the morning makes me feel really connected to my youth. For a moment, I’m not 55. With my cigarette, I’m just back to hiding at the back of classes, smoking weed with my friends.

    Amaka, 51, roasted pear

    My fondest memory of my youth is sneaking away from my chores at home to my grandmother’s house. She lived behind my street, so getting there was easy. I loved those brief moments of doing nothing with her and my favourite part was the roasted peer she gave me any time I visited. 

    So whenever it’s pear season, like now, I can’t do without buying some for me and my kids. It just makes life feel a bit simpler.

    RELATED: Nigerians, Here’s What Your Favourite Street Food Says About You

    Emeka*, 57, sports

    I played every kind of sport back in UNIBEN in 1985. I was always athletic as a kid, so from football to badminton and swimming competitions, I was front and centre. Then three years after university, I broke both my knees trying to jump over a fence to escape some thieves. I had to learn how to walk again, so sports was completely out of the question.

    I haven’t been able to play football or any really active sport like I used to. But swimming is something I’ve kept up with and I do with my youngest son now. It doesn’t give me the same adrenaline as competing in a match, but it makes me feel young being in a pool and just moving.

    Pamela*, 40, watching K-drama

    Right now, feeling young comes from the days I don’t need to do anything with myself. And watching romantic Korean movies takes my mind off everything that’s bothering me, especially my health. All the drama feels so unreal, but it’s what I love about K-dramas.

    Ronke*, 45, spontaneity

    I feel young again when I take spontaneous decisions. Normally, I’d have to factor in my husband and two kids, but the moments I take a decision to travel with a friend without overthinking things, I feel like a kid again. Mostly because spontaneity allows me to imagine my life without my current responsibilities.

    Dwin, 27 (but acts 40+), knowing what’s hip

    What makes me feel young? When I know the Gen Z slangs. Like ‘okuurr’, ‘big purrr’ (insert other Gen Z sounds).

    RELATED: If Gen Zs Don’t Say These 12 Things in a Day, They Might Actually Die

    Tomiwa, 40, fitness, work and a social life

    Being fit, active and having the energy to do everything I want or need to makes me feel like age isn’t catching up with me. My work in media also makes me feel like I’m plugged into the world and what is being created. I also engage with a wide range of people from different age groups. 

    There’s a lot to look forward to; a long optimistic horizon of things to accomplish and things I haven’t done yet. And living out what feels like a full life, with fulfilling work and social life, real friendships and families keeps me from thinking I’m getting old.

    Uche, 42, wine

    Every day I come back from work, I just want to catch up on my 7 p.m. shows like Tinsel, and end the day with a glass of wine at 10 p.m. Does it make me feel young? Not exactly. It’s just a momentary pleasure that stops time for a few moments. I don’t think about my two kids, my job or the fact that I’ll do it all over again tomorrow.

    Daniel*, 56, driving

    When I was in my second year at university, my father gave me his Peugeot 504 to get around. I was a young guy staying off campus and schooling in UNIBEN at the time, so that car unlocked a new level of freedom for me. 

    I was invited to every single party on campus the moment people noticed I had a car. Most people didn’t, so I was the guy who could pick up babes for the parties outside school. And of course, I could easily drive down to UNILAG, for instance. My social status basically went up in my second year, and it made me love driving, especially on wide-open roads.

    Now, I get those flashbacks to my party days when I drive sometimes. It makes me feel good and young.

    Onyeche, 52, dyeing my hair

    At the beginning of 2022, my daughter kept going on and on about how my hair wasn’t growing anymore. She suggested cutting and dyeing it gold. I felt it would be a bit drastic. But when she went back to school in March, I got bored and decided to try it out. She’d recommended a saloon, so I drove down and showed them a picture of the style she suggested. It had a side part and fade, but I didn’t want to over-analyse my decision at that point.

    When they were done, it was such a relief to get rid of my hair. The gold dye completely changed my look, and I loved it. I haven’t looked back on my decision since then. I even just dyed my hair red. It’s loud, but that’s the part about dyeing my hair that feels so youthful.

    ALSO READ: Beginner Tips to Know Before Dyeing Your Hair

  • I Spent ₦310k on a 6-Day Getaway in Abuja: The Breakdown

    I spent the first week of August 2022 exploring Abuja. I’ve lived here all my life but haven’t really explored the city because I have very strict Nigerian parents. I needed a break from house chores and some time to hang out with friends without thinking about getting back home early. So let’s just say, I found a way to get them off my case for a week.  Here’s a breakdown of what my budget for two looked like if you’re planning to do the same.

    Our starting budget for this trip was ₦200k for six days. Let’s see how well that worked out.

    Accommodation

    Criteria for picking a hotel

    • Proximity to central locations

    I started with a Google search for hotels within town — preferably within the Municipal Area Council like Wuse, Maitama, Wuye and Utako. If you want to push it, Garki and Lifecamp should be your worst-case scenario. 

    Staying outside those areas adds to your transport fare because most of the spots to eat and have fun are located in those central areas. If you hear anything like Kubwa, Lugbe, Lokogoma or Karimo, don’t try it — well, except the accommodation you’re getting is free.

    RELATED: 7 Nigerians Tell Us Their Worst Hotel Experience

    • Price point and quality

    Now that you’ve gotten a sense of the areas to consider, the hotel rates are a completely different ball game. The closer you are to central areas, the more expensive the rates are. Our ₦200k budget covered only three nights in some hotels, so imagine the stress we went through trying to find a decent place that wouldn’t wreck my bank account. 

    “Decent” meant the beddings were extremely neat — even though I always bring mine — bathrooms had walk-in showers and standard rooms come with complimentary breakfast. And considering the insecurity, the hotel had to be in a largely residential area where there are usually a lot of security guards.

    With those two main criteria, three options came up: the White Royalty Palace Hotel, Maitama; Imah Apartments, Wuse Zone 5; and Belmont Hotel, Wuye. White Royalty was ₦20k per night, Imah was going for ₦15k, while Belmont was ₦25k. At the start of my trip, the last two were fully booked. We checked them out on the third day of my trip, but I’ll share my experience at White Royalty first.

    This hotel made the list because a friend recommended it as one of the more affordable places to try. We’d rate our experience there 6/10, and here’s why:

    Pros:

    • Located in a central area, very accessible and serene.
    • Rooms are available for ₦20k a night, quite affordable in Abuja. However, I’d say, if you can, squeeze out ₦5k extra to get the ₦25k room which is much more spacious.
    • Bathrooms with walk-in showers and a water heater.

    Con:

    • No full-sized mirrors in the rooms, which made it hard to see whether you were looking like a snack.
    • Mattresses were not as firm as hotel beds should be. 
    • Beddings weren’t neat enough. I got a torn blanket in my room on my second night.
    • Cleaning service was a 2/5 for me.
    • No complimentary breakfast
    • Walls so thin, you’ll hear everything going on in the next room.

    After spending three nights at White Royalty Palace Hotel, we decided to check out Imah Apartments. It was ₦15k per night, so I was very sceptical. But who doesn’t like cheap thrills? 

    First, the location was off the mark. Yes, it was in a central area, but the roads were too narrow for two cars to move freely at the same time, and the building needed renovation because it looked run down and old. The staff, however, were very polite and carried our bags up the three flights of stairs we had to climb.

    Note that Imah Apartments isn’t a hotel. It’s a short-let apartment in a building, where people can rent out one of the four rooms for ₦15k per night, or ₦65k for all the rooms. 

    The rooms looked pretty decent, but they were tiny and the ones available had bathtubs instead of showers. I’m scared of slipping and falling in tubs, so it was a no for me. I may have overlooked those flaws if the whole place didn’t smell like burnt soup. 

    Pros:

    • Affordable.
    • Located in a central area.
    • Easy to locate and the staff were helpful with directions.

    Cons:

    • Rooms are very small.
    • Not the cleanest space.
    • Not a place you can check into late at night because the reception closes at 10 p.m. But if you call ahead, they can wait for you to arrive. It also didn’t feel secure because there was no one at the reception most times.
    • No complimentary breakfast.
    Reception hall

    We ended up not staying at Imah apartments, and checked into Belmont Hotel, Wuye, the same day. The reviews on Google were encouraging, so we decided to check it out. I called to confirm if they had a standard room for ₦25k available because some reviewers mentioned that they were always booked. Luckily, they had one available when we called.

    I was sold by the ambience at the reception. Everywhere smelt nice and looked extremely neat. The room didn’t disappoint either. My only issue would be the space, but ₦25k is their cheapest, so I wasn’t surprised.

    Pros:

    • Affordable, and every room came with a complimentary breakfast.
    • Food was quite affordable for a hotel because we could get a plate of fried yam and egg sauce for ₦3k. 
    • Staff was very nice and helpful with getting our bags in and out of the room.
    • Secure space with security cameras at almost every corner of the corridors and staircase
    • Extremely neat bathrooms.

    Cons:

    • While the location is accessible and not too far from the central areas, Bolt fares from the hotel cost an average of ₦1k – ₦1.1k compared to the ₦600 – ₦800 you’d pay if you were staying in other areas.
    • Access road to the hotel was locked between 7 – 10 p.m. You’d have to walk down to the hotel if you came back really late. 

    Between the three nights, we spent at White Royal Palace Hotel and the two at Belmont Hotel, we spent ₦115k.

    Thought Pyramid, Wuse

    Food

    If you eat like a thief in the night, Abuja will finish your money. We spent ₦110K to feed two people for a week. But in this economy, that’s fair.

    For the most part, we binged on Chicken Republic food because it was the most convenient and affordable to buy. 

    We basically ate one meal a day and binged on snacks from supermarkets around our hotel.

    RELATED: Creator Spotlight: Mitya, the Mukbang Creator Who Tells Stories Through Food

    Activities

    It’s obvious what we really did in Abuja was eat, but here are some of the fun activities we tried:

    Trukadero bowling alley

    Things are a lot pricier than they used to be and Value Added Tax (VAT) is another issue, but if you’re visiting Abuja for leisure, you need to be sure you can tick these boxes. My favourite activity was the paint and sip because there’s live music close by, with a Bluetooth speaker if you’d like to play your own music. 

    Paint and sip

    Overall, I went over my ₦200k budget by ₦99k. I also didn’t bother tracking the money I spent on Bolt beyond the ₦10k cash I spent in about three days. But don’t stress, the fares range between ₦600 – ₦1100. So I’d say, ₦350k is an ideal budget for one week of fun in Abuja.

    ALSO READ: 7 Hangout Spots in Abuja for When You’re Feeling Adventurous

  • 9 Cooking Hacks You Need to Know Before 30

    I never thought one of our biggest stressors as adults would be what to eat. But If you’re like me and hate stress, here are nine kitchen tricks to make life faster and easier — And obviously a banging meal.

    Invest in a pressure cooker

    I know they’re expensive, but pressure cookers cut your cooking time in half. And I promise it’ll make your kpomo as soft as Iya Sukirat’s own. 

    Garri thickens soup

    If you’re out there making watery banga or white soup, add small garri and it’ll thicken up. Nobody needs to know you made River Nile soup dear.

    Fry your eggs on the lowest heat

    You know when you fry four eggs and it ends up looking like one gorgeous merger? Yeah, cooking eggs on low heat makes them fuller and fluffier. You sha need patience to wait for the eggs to cook properly. But it’s worth it. 

    Get rid of excess oil with tissue paper

    Put kitchen rolls at the bottom of a sieve to take out the excess oil from your fried plantains, yam or potatoes. It doesn’t change that you’re still eating oily and unhealthy food but you can enjoy it, guilt-free.

    Rice cookers can actually cook anything

    If you can’t stand the idea of buying so many pots and pans, just get a rice cooker. The really bougie ones come with settings to also grill and make sauces. 

    RELATED: 7 Meals You Can Eat on Sunday Instead of Rice

    Stop adding more water to your rice

    If the water in your rice dries up, reduce the heat on the gas cooker and cover the pot with foil paper. Stop adding gallons of water as if it’s tuwon shinkafa you’re making.

    Don’t throw your pasta water away

    Instead of tossing your pasta water away, leave a little inside to make it easier for the tomato sauce to thicken when it’s added in. Also, because the water is salted, it helps the pasta retain its flavour.

    Don’t waste time breaking spaghetti 

    If you’re still breaking spaghetti in 2022, I don’t even know what to say. First of all, that’s not how the Italians do it and they’re the OGs of pasta. They will actually fight you. Also, trying to break spaghetti always leaves bits of pasta flying around. Just put the spaghetti in the water like that. It’ll soften into place on its own. 

    RELATED: This Low-Budget Spaghetti Jollof Recipe Will Have You Feeling Bougie

    Keep your potato skins

    Irish potato is one meal that just takes an unnecessary amount of effort to prep. A hack is to leave the skins on and season with black pepper, salt and dried red pepper.  It makes it tasty when you fry or grill your potatoes

    Blend your tomatoes with yellow, red and green pepper

    Jollof rice is one food that can disgrace you, especially when you’re cooking for friends. But a hack I’ve gotten into is blending my tomato and habanero peppers with yellow, red and green peppers. They’re not spicy peppers, but they have a ton of flavour and it’s taken my jollof game from zero to one-hundred.

    Add potatoes to salty food

    Some of you add salt based on the instructions from your ancestors. And it’s left you eating salty food. Next time, just add some peeled potatoes to the sauce or stew. The starch in them makes it easy to absorb the excess salt.

    Here are tips from one lazy cook to another: Cooking Tips From a Lazy Nigerian Cook

  • 9 Virtual Date Ideas to Keep Up With Your Long Distance Friends

    As we get older, it becomes more difficult to stay connected to friends that live far away. But it’s even harder to make new friends as adults because they’ll never know you like those crazy secondary school and university friends. So here are nine virtual date ideas to try with the friends you miss.

    Relationship card games

    It’s easy for long-distance friends to fizzle into the monotonous pool of “hello,” “hi” — or the most annoying recurring question, “how was your night?” And that’s how you become strangers. Set up a video call and play card games like Zikoko Ships to get you to ask meaningful questions that bring out real gist.

    Cook together

    Friends that eat together stay together. How about setting up a video call next Sunday to try out fun recipes or make crazy cocktails Chopist? Rumour has it that we know how to get you drunk on honey

    Lunch dates

    If cooking is the ghetto, there’s still a way to live out your foodie dreams with your bestie. Pick a cafe in your city, order something cheap if the Nigerian economy is stressing you and have a video call where you play card games. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About the Best Dates They’ve Been On

    Buy a pet goat

    Name him Astor like our little pet goat and watch it grow together, like your friendship.

    Take virtual tours together

    If your friend is abroad, there’s so much to explore in a new country. I’d suggest a cute museum tour or a walk around the park because that’s the closest thing to fresh air you’ll collect if you’re the one in Nigeria. Get on a video call and bring your friend into your experience.

    iMessage games

    Dear Android users, no vex. iMessage games are one of the most low-budget options if you can’t afford to do any other thing on this list. It’s cute to get a notification when the other person has made their move from a thousand miles away. Or try out these iMessage games alternatives for android.

    Read books together

    There’s nothing as amazing as buying a hardback book. It gives “I get money” vibes because they’re usually more expensive, but the virtual reading dates are also a way to start a mini-book collection with your best friends. Imagine giving that to your kids when they’re older. 

    RELATED: These 7 African Books Need to Be Adapted Into Film ASAP

    Movies and chill

    Zoom and Facetime are your real besties when you’re trying to stay connected to old friends. And sharing a movie works when you don’t really want to talk or have anything to say. Just pick a movie to watch maybe every last Friday of the month and unwind with a glass of wine.

    Write letters to each other

    If your long-distance friends are women, we have a cute corner called Letters #ToHER where you can send each other letters to read every Sunday at 2 p.m. 

    We’ve got the date ideas covered, but for things to last, you need to read these: How to Maintain a Long-distance Friendship

  • I Tried Shawarma for the First Time at 23 Because I Fell in Love

    For someone who was nick-named baby elephant as an overweight kid, I was quite a picky eater. I still am. Getting into a relationship changed a lot for me, particularly with food. And I don’t think we talk enough about how falling in love can change what we’re willing to eat. You find yourself wanting to try their favourite flavour of ice cream, or like me, somehow contemplating why plantain may not suck.

    Before you fight me, let me explain. I’ve never enjoyed eating foods like plantain, bread, custard or pap and sweet potatoes. Plantain was too sweet, I only liked the crust of brown bread, hated the lack of texture with custard and pap, and sweet potatoes just don’t need to be sweet. I also liked my food in a specific way if I was going to eat it. For instance, my bread had to be toasted, and specifically, without butter. And if I was going to come close to fried eggs, they needed to have chopped tomatoes and onions to be enjoyable. 

    I think what stressed my mum out the most was feeding me rice or pasta. I could never eat either if they got soft. Let’s just say I knew pasta needed to be al dente without knowing what it even meant. And when every inch of my white rice wasn’t covered in stew, you were practically wasting your time trying to get me to eat it.

    RELATED: These Pictures Are Proof Rice and Stew Is Jollof’s Senior Brother

    Things got worse when my parents took me along for holiday trips to Cardiff, Wales, in 2000. My father was enrolled as a master’s student at Cardiff University, so I spent quite a bit of time travelling with my mum to visit. I loved the rush of being in the airport, getting on the trains and exploring huge malls. But the food was my least favourite part of our trips. Those memories of exploring cuisine outside eba and ogbono, my favourite soup, became clearer in 2003 when I was five years old.

    The first time I was given mashed potatoes and chicken nuggets, I wailed. I didn’t like the idea of eating food that looked pre-chewed. Of course, being abroad hadn’t taken out the Nigerian in my mother, so she force-fed me through the tears. Then, oh, when I tried hamburgers at McDonald’s for the first time? I didn’t understand the concept of eating a thick piece of meat in between dry bread. I also didn’t like the taste of the mayonnaise and ketchup. My dad wasn’t going to let me waste the pounds he’d just spent, so I deconstructed the hamburger and ate only the meat. That was my last time at McDonald’s.

    So I wasn’t the most exotic human when it came to food as a kid. My palate didn’t evolve as a teenager. When I was 15 and travelled to Ethiopia for a school trip, I was so adamant about sticking to rice and meat. The most interesting thing I ate off the buffet list was pancakes and sausages. 

    Ghana was probably the only country where I allowed myself to try new foods. And it was because of the similarities with our cuisine. The difference was how they were paired. For instance, yam and egusi were a thing, and I absolutely loved the taste. I also fell in love with waakye and shito because it was basically rice, beans and pepper sauce when I skipped the garri, spaghetti and egg that’s typically mixed into the waakye. 

    RELATED: 6 Ghanaian Foods Nigerians Love Eating

    As I got older, going on dates was very difficult. I didn’t eat pizza because I didn’t like the look of cheese, or shawarma, because of the cream. My go-to snacks were scotch eggs, meat pies or muffins. And at restaurants, if I wasn’t ordering small chops — without the puff puff — as a starter and jollof rice as my main dish, then I’d order chicken and chips. Yes, I was basic.

    I was also not the type of girl to take to big events because I’d shamelessly pick at my food or spend the whole evening loading on cocktails and finger foods like samosas. Maybe I wasn’t made for a man with exquisite taste in food. 

    When I got into my first real relationship at 19, it was with a guy who wanted to try everything. The funny thing was how opposite he was when it came to trying new things outside of food. He preferred a routine and strict pattern, but I was more laid-back and open-minded. Too bad none of my spontaneity translated to food. I was still searching for jollof rice wherever we went.

    But my next relationship completely took me out of my comfort zone with food. I met Akinola* at uni when I was 20, but we started dating two years later. He was way more outgoing than I was, so I’d found my match when it came to spontaneity in a relationship.

    RELATED: Eat These 7 Comfort Foods When You’re Fighting With Your Partner

    But when it came to food, we clashed a lot in the first few months of dating. He always wanted to share a plate with me and I couldn’t stand the way he ate his food. For instance, rice. The guy preferred to eat raw onions and tomatoes with his than just plain old white rice and stew or jollof. And unlike me who spread stew across rice or pasta without mixing, he needed to furiously mix the stew in the food — I disliked the sight of it.

    I think the hardest experience with Akinola was trying coleslaw for the first time. I never liked the sight of vegetables soaked in cream but the guy made it seem like the next best thing since ogbono. And now, I can’t imagine eating rice without coleslaw.

    The most shocking thing I allowed myself to try with Akinola in 2022 was shawarma. The guy couldn’t let go of the fact a human being had never tried shawarma. Heck, it pained him to order shawarma alone when we went out. One day, I just gave into the pressure and tried it. 

    I think my best experience was trying pasta at his birthday dinner in March. I never understood the Twitter pasta craze — I still don’t — because it doesn’t seem right to douce it in cheese. It took me like 15 minutes to finally pick penne pasta because it was the only option with a tomato base and no cheese. His birthday and our date trying Indian curries at Cilantro in June are memories I’m happy we created rather than my default decision to turn down new food.

    Maybe pasta is overrated and you need new options: Nigerian Women Need to Leave Pasta Alone and Try Out These 8 Other Meals

    Honestly, Akinola has helped me learn to compromise with food a little bit. It’s been nine months of dating, and I’ve crossed so many lines, especially with how I cook. Never in my life did I imagine chopping spring onions and carrots into my chicken pepper soup or dicing up tomatoes in my rice for anybody’s son. 

    Plantain, sweet potatoes, amala, custard and pap are food boundaries I’m not willing to cross. And a new addition to my list is bread and akara because two dry foods shouldn’t be forced into one. How does it pass your throat without choking?

    While I’ve started exploring foods my boyfriend enjoys, I’ve also forced him to fall in love with my go-to meals like fried yam. Eating roadside yam and sausages has even become our favourite pastime. But cooking together has been the best part of exploring our relationship. I wonder what food adventures love may take me next. Maybe I’ll give amala a shot since I’m stuck with a Yoruba man.

    Read this if, like me, you’ve never tried amala: A Step-by-Step Guide to Loving Amala

  • #ToHER: Mma, You’re Everything Good, Perfect and Sweet

    We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.

    From: Camela “Meme” Etoruom, whose bestie is her grandma

    To: Ms Angelina “Mma Ange” Ndukwe, who brings bright colours to her granddaughter’s world

    Dear Mma Ange, 

    On my 18th birthday, I remember writing about the colours in my life and I opened with this: “My grandmother is the shade of orange you see in the sky before the sun sets. The one you take pictures of because you’re scared you’ll never see such beauty again, the one you think about in the dark and ask your friends, “Omg, did you see the sky?”

    Mma, everything good in my life stems from the fact that you splattered colour in my life when it felt like a dark tunnel and refused to come to an end. I love you because you saw me when I couldn’t see myself, walked with me in love and understanding in my prime moments of teenage angst, and showed apathy towards everything. The most amazing part was seeing how our love evolved to fit every stage. A thing only a few people will truly experience. 

    RELATED: 12 Extremely Specific Things Every Nigerian Grandma Owns

    If I count my blessings, the fact I get to call you “Mma” is at the top of my list. Mma, you have always been more than a sweet grandmother to me. Your laughter is a sound that rivals Kanye’s melodic prowess and your sarcasm makes me laugh carelessly when laughing seems like a myth to me. 

    Thank you for letting me run around your house to read everything I could get my hands on as a kid — the reason why people think I know random facts unprovoked. Your taste in movies might be questionable, but I got to watch Kate and William’s wedding with you and I felt lucky because I got to gush about the royals with my grandma!

    RELATED: My Grandmother Died and Took Her Special Corn Recipe With Her

    My favourite moments are in your parlour reading books or having conversations where you don’t fail to remind me it’s okay to be expressive.

    You’re my best friend, Mma; the reason I tell people that friendship is the greatest asset in living this life. You’re the funniest woman in the world, and I’m holding on to reincarnation because I hope I get to spend another life with you as my favourite miracle. 

    I hope we get to the “Meme spoiling Mma baby” part of our lives soon. You deserve everything good, perfect and la Vida Loca as the baby girl that you are! 

    To many more good-time conversations and memories, bestie. 

    Camela.

    If you’d like to write a letter #ToHER, click here to tell us why

    ALSO READ: These Are the Coolest Nigerian Grandmas You’ve Ever Seen

  • How to Become a Beer Lover if You Hate It

    It’s international beer day it’s the perfect excuse to start drinking before 5 p.m! For those who aren’t fans, II bet you didn’t have a clue. I get it —. I was once among the beer haters, but here are seven ways to get you to finally see the light.

    Get into malt first

    If you’ve never let yourself try a sip of beer, just know it’s too far off a slightly bitter version of malt. Every brand of beer you’ll try is made from yeast-fermented malt and the taste changes based on the additional ingredients included. But that foam? It’s from the malt.

    Flavoured beer should be your bestie

    I used to think beer was a pretty flat drink, as it lacked any notes of flavour to me. But flavoured beer got me from thinking that beer was just bitter foamy piss, to something I need to end a long day of capitalism. You can try the grapefruit beer from Star Radler or chocolate beer from Three Philosophers.

    Get beers with a spirit base

    Alcohol is generally bitter, but spirits give a bit of a kick that makes you want to take another sip. So try options like Desperado’s flavoured tequila beer.

    RELATED: Let’s Get You Drunk on Honey With These Cocktails

    Drink beer with authentic beer lovers 

    If you really want to love beer, you need to have at least one 30+ friend that understands the power of a few bottles and premium gist after a hard day’s work — preferably a friend that can cover the bill sha because those brands are expensive.

    RELATED: Beer Deserves All the Hate It Gets. Here’s Why

    Add whipped cream

    If you’re a coffee head, you’ll get the vibe of cold iced coffee and cream. You can do the same with beer. Top it off with whipped cream to cut back on the bitterness.

    Pretend

    If you can’t beat them, join them. Gone are the days of drinking Capri Sun and Ribena; act your age and drink beer like your mates.

    Take this quiz to find out what kind of drink you are: What Kind of Drink Are You?

  • 7 Snacks From Your Favourite Films I Bet You Want to Eat

    Imagine your favourite shows and all the food you’ll never get to eat. I’ve compiled some amazing foods from seven shows I bet you were obsessed with at some point.

    Willy Wonka’s chocolate

    Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was a legendary movie and if you haven’t watched it, then at least you must have heard the cool millennials talk about it. Yeah, I’m one of the cool kids and the Willy Wonka Chocolate factory is the Heaven I once wanted to go to when I die. A part of me still hopes that there’s a chance.

    Scooby Snacks

    Scooby-Doo and Shaggy were the OG foodies of all time. They ate a bunch of food, but the one thing I wished I could jump into the TV to taste was the Scooby snack. Didn’t you also want to know why Shaggy was so crazy about dog treats?

    RELATED: 7 Childhood Snacks You’ll Miss if You Grew Up in Northern Nigeria

    Turkish delight from The Chronicles of Narnia

    Seeing a talking lion from a mystical closet play a father figure was one of the high points of my childhood. I really want to know what made Edmund Pevensie ready to sell his birthright for white-coated sweets from a white witch.

    Direwolf bread from Game of Thrones

    There wasn’t much to see about Hot Pie, the baker at the inn. But that bread? How did it make it look so perfect when I can barely draw straight lines with a ruler?

    Hotpie's Wolf Bread, take two – The Inn at the Crossroads

    RELATED: What’s the Best Thing to Eat Bread With? We Ranked Them All

    Krabby patties from SpongeBob

    You can’t tell me you watched SpongeBob without wondering what a krabby patty tasted like. It should be everyone’s dream to live in a pineapple under the sea eating burgers made by a cranky crab.

    Donkey’s famous waffles from Shrek

    Imagine a talking donkey making you fluffy waffles when you’re having a bad day. 

    Pizza balls from Dr Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    Beyond wanting to hitch a ride to any world where I’m definitely not Nigerian, I’d like to get a taste of the pizza balls America Chavez ate while she was trying to escape impending doom. Clearly, she had misplaced priorities but I would too if I saw tiny cheesy pepperoni pizza balls.

    Eggos from Stranger Things

    Eggos are basically frozen waffles from the 1980s. And for someone who knew very little about the real world before escaping her psycho father, El has been obsessed with eggos since season one of Stranger Things and I need to understand why.

    Now that we’ve gone through foods you’ll probably never get to eat, read: All the Exciting Ways You Can Eat and Drink Your Eggs

  • My Parents Thought I’d Become Wayward Overnight, but I Was Just a First Daughter Looking for Freedom

    I was in JSS 2 when my mother flogged me for drinking fruit wine like I’d stolen money from our neighbours. At the time, I was 12. I recently asked why she beat me over wanting non-alcoholic wine. Her response? She flogged the hell out of every potential alcoholic from me.

    But at 23, I still think back to those strokes of cane I received in the backyard just before I take alcohol when I’m out with friends like my mum could appear and descend on me even now I’m miles away from home. 

    That’s just one scenario of the many rules that came with being the first child, the only girl in my family and the first grandchild. Of course, they couldn’t stress my brother because he had special needs, but I also saw the pattern of treating first kids as mini-adults amongst my cousins. 

    As a teenager, while my friends went to summer classes and pretended to learn, my parents felt I was too smart and needed private lessons at home to prepare for my next class. And if I did go out, I needed to take my little brother along. 

    Other 14 and 15-year-olds were having the time of their lives, but I was chasing and yelling at my brother the entire time. In school, I felt even worse. I was the dead babe with no gist about boys. I didn’t know any hot seasonal movies like The Vampire Diaries. My mother strongly believed anything — besides cartoons — was close enough to porn for a teenager. Her beliefs pretty much summed up my life.

    RELATED: 7 Classic Cartoons That Taught Us Valuable Life Lessons

    In my mind, I had to be close to perfect to earn my parents’ approval. Those beliefs made navigating life as an adult difficult because I was such a people pleaser — which was already my default setting as a firstborn. I never wanted my parents to have a reason to yell at me and still wanted friends my age to like me. 

    The biggest hurdle was when I got my first toxic job in 2020. I graduated from university in 2019 and didn’t have any prior experience working for a horrible boss. I was hired as a program assistant, but when I got in, it felt normal to be called to serve tea, carry bags and wash my boss’ lunch plates. I thought it was the reality of capitalism, and I didn’t overthink it because I was used to service. I felt it made me a responsible child and, at the time, a responsible employee. 

    It may seem confusing because people think being the firstborn means you get to boss your younger ones around and pile up plates when you’re cooking, but it really comes with a daunting sense of responsibility and fear. The fear of taking the blame when things go wrong or having to do the extra work when your siblings don’t, for example. 

    Any perceived power pretty much ends at home. We don’t walk out of our houses thinking we’re the supreme leaders because we’ve only wielded any sort of power at home. Friends aren’t our little siblings; neither are our bosses or colleagues. So with new people, we’re completely unsure of how to exercise that firstborn “superpower”. More often you’re really just learning to tone it down and maintain relationships.

    “To her, moving out was an insult to the entire family”

    I was living my life for my parents up until I finished university in 2019. But in the past three years, I think I’ve slowly broken away. It all started in 2019 when I decided to pack my load and move from my parents’ house in Abuja to Lagos. And who really moves from Abuja to Lagos except they’re really going through it? I was.

    I’d spent the year I finished school contemplating the move. I was tired of waking up at 5:30 a.m. to help get my brother ready for school, making food based on different needs and still heading out to my day job, every day. But my mother fought my decision from the beginning. To her, moving out was an insult to the entire family. It meant my parents couldn’t “take care” of me, which is really to say they couldn’t monitor me. My dad couldn’t see past the fact that I was a woman and only needed to move to my husband’s house. 

    I tried to push back on their decision, but it felt useless. It led to fights and damaged what little mental health I had left. 

    The 2020 pandemic was the last straw. Being on lockdown with my family drove me to the brink. Since my parents weren’t essential workers, they were home a lot more. That meant even more cooking and chores and less time to myself. My younger brother was also home, so I had to think of ways to keep him occupied daily. Added to these were my mum’s constant nagging that I wasn’t doing enough. I had to get out of that house. 

    First, I got a job in a different state. It was easy to push on moving away when my job was far away in Lagos. I had the choice to work from home, but I declined that option. The company offered me twice the salary I was previously earning, so my parents couldn’t argue against that. The only downside was not having the money to move on my own — that wasn’t going to stop me though.

    RELATED: “Basic Furnishing Cost Me ₦2m” — How Much Are Nigerians Spending on Their Homes?

    My mum suggested moving in with her eldest brother. In her family, it was unheard of to live alone in a city where we had family members. But I’d been with my uncle before. I knew my days would be spent making ekpang nkukwo with his Calabar wife. Enduring that would be like moving from frying pan to fire. 

    My parents feared I’d become wayward overnight and suspected that I wanted to move in with my boyfriend. But except someone was willing to pay me the salary I was being offered, that one was their business. I explained how I’d been feeling overwhelmed and needed space. They didn’t understand, but I’d done my part in keeping the peace by telling them my mind. 

    I also tried to carry my parents along with each step. I understood they wanted some level of control over my life, so I gave it to them in bits and pieces. I asked for their opinion about the location to pick in Lagos since they lived there in their 20s. Of course, I knew what I wanted, but again, the illusion of control made them slightly more relaxed. 

    “There was a time my mother confessed to living with her university sweetheart after graduating, so that was always my petty counterargument”

    Sometimes, they didn’t respond to the questions. But when I brought up issues like how expensive it was to paint an apartment, my mother always had some snarky response on how I should enjoy the Lagos “big girl” life. I wasn’t surprised. If anything, I was just happy we’d moved from a hard “no” to “figure it out on your own since you have coconut head”. 

    Besides, there was a time my mother confessed to living with her university sweetheart after graduating, so that was always my petty counterargument. She’d correct me by saying, “He was an uncle,”. But that was a lie and it was too late for her to change the story.

    Eventually, everyone gave in to my decision. By the end of 2020, I still didn’t have enough money to move out. I needed ₦900k for rent. But I’d saved up ₦500k, and with my new salary, I knew if I borrowed ₦400k from my friends, I would be able to pay it back in a month or two, without stress. That was the beginning of my freedom.

    When I finally moved in January 2022, all I had in my new apartment were hand-me-down furniture I got from my older cousin and old curtains I sneaked out of my house. But I didn’t mind the struggles that came with living alone. Most of the interaction I had with my family was over the phone, and it made life much easier. 

    RELATED: How To Be The ‘Perfect’ Nigerian First Born Child

    The next pushback was in April 2022. I’d been living in Lagos for five months and having a swell time being the black sheep of my family. My grandpa wanted me to visit him in Delta state, but I didn’t want to travel alone. All my female friends were occupied for the weekend, so my boyfriend was my only option. Of course, my family lost their minds at the thought of me taking a man to my grandfather’s house, but it was either that or ignoring the old man’s request to visit. 

    Of course, I claimed he was a platonic friend throughout my stay, but things eventually blew over as we ended up sleeping in the same room every night.  I think the guy may even be besties with my grandpa now,  but at the time, everyone gave me hell. They called me a disgrace of a daughter. But did I care? 

    “Spending days on my grandpa’s farm with a boy I really liked are core memories of freedom for me”

    If I had another opportunity, I’d do it all over again. Because taking that drive to Delta and spending days on my grandpa’s farm with a boy I really liked are core memories of freedom for me — memories I didn’t get to have as a kid.

    I can’t claim that my actions in the last two years have always been rosy, though. For instance, my mum’s trust has waned. These days, whenever I tell her I’m doing something, she assumes I’m lying or holding back information, and I can’t exactly ask for financial favours from my parents anymore. But everything has pushed me to think for myself. 

    I’m aware of my responsibilities to my siblings and parents. They expect me to send money back home, even for little things like my brother’s favourite snacks, and my dad jokes about setting up a farm for him in the village. I’m sure he’ll eventually apply pressure, and somewhere down the line, there’ll be a house to pay for. 

    But for now, I’m making room for myself to enjoy life. And I think anyone shouldering responsibilities needs that because how much time do you really have to be young?

    If you’re wondering how much it costs to be a firstborn, here’s a glimpse of it: 7 Nigerians Talk About How Much It Costs to Be a First-born Child

  • 7 Healthy Things You Can Eat Like a Thief in the Night

    Even though we’re out here experiencing heavy rain, there’s a global consensus that we need summer bodies. But haven’t you spent most of the year eating like a thief? It’s okay, me too. These seven foods will take away that guilt of eating at 2 a.m. and allow us to pretend we’re on the summer body journey too.

    Cabbage fufu

    You know that 2 a.m. eba has to stop right? But cabbage fufu is a compromise. It looks like swallow, smells like swallow, and most importantly, has much lower calories than swallow, so you eat your way through without thinking too much about your waistline. 

    Oil-free okra soup

    Something has to go with cabbage fufu, and it can’t involve soups cooked with lots of palm oil like banga or egusi. And okra is one soup you can cook without the extra calories from oil.  

    RELATED: A Very Strong Case for Eba and Okro Soup

    Watermelon barbeque steak

    Now hold on a second. Do you know many calories are in chicken skins alone? Almost 100 for just one tiny piece and you haven’t even gotten into the meat. Think of watermelon barbeque as a distant cousin of Tofu that’s meant to mimic the texture and smell of meat. 

    Pepper soup

    It’s basically water, spice and some boiled meat or fish. No oil is needed and no frying is involved, so pepper soup is great, tasty addition in pretending you’re part of the fitfam crew.

    Carrot pancake

    It’s pancakes made from vegetables. So technically, it’s healthy. You need to confuse the calories. 

    RELATED: 5 Meals That Make Nigerian Men Think They’re Chefs

    Cucumber noodles

    It sounds crazy but is it really? Rather than eating hungry man-size noodles and adding one chopped carrot to deceive yourself, cucumber noodles are clearly the healthier version. 

    Popcorn

    One cup of popcorn without salt, sugar or sweeteners is like 31 calories, so a bucket of it won’t kill you.

    If you really want to eat and confuse the calories so they can’t affect you, read: 8 Practical Ways to Reduce the Calories in Your Food Before Eating It

  • #ToHER: Manage This Hug for the Next Three Years

    We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.

    From: Busayo, a hard babe

    To: Ifeoma, the gentle, kind and sweet soul

    Dear Ifeoma,

    I know being sweet and romantic is really off-brand for us. But you’re the only person that deserves this side of me if I’m being honest. 

    I hit the best friend jackpot with you and I mean that with all my heart. Earlier today, you said you love how we always have the same views on everything, and that is ridiculously true. I can count on one finger the things we don’t have the same opinions about. But Ifeoma, it doesn’t change the fact that I still have more sense than you. 

    You’re my biggest supporter, my sister, my best friend and my confidant. I know when I’m feeling sad, I can call you and I’ll come out of that call feeling 100% better. I know it’s the same for you.

    RELATED: Four Months of Living Together and Hopefully We Don’t Kill Each Other

    Anytime people are talking about failed female friendships, I know deep in my heart and my soul that it’ll never ever be us. Our friendship is too special. 

    This past month has been different for me because I started something new, and you’re the only person I talked to about my worries. You made it better, way better. You listened to me, understood and encouraged me. You’re my gift from God. I love you, I really really do. 

    Ifeoma, I can’t remember the last time we showed affection, so you know that me telling you I love you now is the one you’ll hold and manage for the next three years. I hope this makes your day as you’ve been making mine for the past four years we’ve been best friends. And please, don’t forget you can never ever be as sweet as I am, okay? Just leave that part of our relationship for me. 

    Love you Ifeoma.

    With Love,

    Busayo

    If you’d like to write a letter #ToHER, click here to tell us why

    RELATED: Maybe You Should Cut Your Bad Friends Some Slack? Here’s Why

  • Tomato Stew Is Great, but These Indian Curries Bang Harder With Rice

    Ever since I started trying out Indian curries in 2022, I don’t know how I’d lived my life on only Sunday rice and stew all those years. 

    Indian curries are sauces made with traditional Indian spices like garam masala, a combination of spices like dried pepper, cinnamon, nutmeg, coriander and a mix of other dried herbs. And it can be cooked with meat, tofu or vegetables. 

    Now, I want to show you the light. On a ₦10k budget, Here’s a list of spicy Indian curries to try the next time you visit an Asian-styled restaurant like Indigo in Lagos or one with Indian options on the menu like Cilantro in Lagos or Abuja..

    Kadai lamb curry

    Source: Licious

    If you haven’t tried any curry before, go with this guy. It’s the curry that initiated me into ditching tomato stew. Kadai lamb is a tomato-based curry, so it’s like eating a version of stew that isn’t as spicy. But it’s just as tasty. There was coriander, chopped tomatoes, bell peppers and onions. And that tender lamb shredded into the sauce. 

    Lamb roganjosh

    Once you’ve tasted lamb in a sauce for the first time, there’s no turning back. After kadai lamb curry, Lamb rogan josh was the next curry I tried. It has more pepper and onions as the base and is a lot creamier because it has yoghurt in it. I don’t love the creamy coconut taste too much and that’s the main ingredient, but the spicy lamb meat more than makes up for that.

    RELATED: 9 Ingredients You Need To Make Yoruba Stew

    Chicken chettinad

    Chicken chettinad is really spicy and packed with ginger and garlic flavours. And like the rogan josh, coconut is a main ingredient in the sauce. Some restaurants like Cilantro serve it with chopped tomatoes, onions and bell peppers.

    Goan fish curry

    Unlike the thickness of chettinad and rogan josh, with the goan fish curry, you get a much lighter coconut sauce. It goes without saying that to love curry, you have to be okay with the sweet and spicy taste of coconut and tomato-based sauce. But the goan fish curry also has some sour notes to it. Maybe it’s just me, or it could be the vinegar or the tamarind paste.

    RELATED: We Found Rice And Stew For the First Time In 60 Days

    Malai Kofta

    Source: Times Food

    I have a love-hate relationship with this curry because it’s strictly vegetables. But it’s nice if you’re a cheese fan because it’s a mix of potato dumplings and fried paneer (Indian cheese). Malai Kofta can either be cashew or coconut tomato sauce, but coconut is the most commonly used. Also, note that it’s not as spicy.

    Mushroom Matar

    I’m not a fan of mushrooms, but this is like malai kofta without cheese or potatoes. It’s vegetarian-friendly and includes green peas, dried fenugreek leaves and coconut milk mixed in an onion and tomato sauce. 

    Kadai prawns

    This was my least favourite curry to try because I’m not a seafood fan. I’m really just a meat type of girl. But if you’re a seafood lover, kadai prawn curry is just like kadai lamb with more chilli peppers.

    Tell me which curry you’re going to try first. 

    And if you’re absolutely over Sunday rice: 7 Meals You Can Eat on Sunday Instead of Rice.

  • After 35 Years of Service, All I Have Is a Monthly Pension of ₦80k

    With the 2023 elections drawing closer, I wonder what it was like to live in a time without democracy. In this article, a police officer who lived through the first military coup in 1966 shares the moments that led up to joining the force at 18 and the moment that reminded him there was more to life after 35 years of service.

    The life of an Igbo police officer in the ‘90s, as told to Ortega

    Life before the first military coup in 1966

    I was a restless child born in 1937. I grew up as the only son of my father, and his brothers expected me to take up his role as our village’s chief priest. But my father wanted something more for me. He wanted me to go to school and live outside the cage tradition had built for our lineage as its custodians.

    My father was convinced living together would make it easier for my uncles to persuade me. So he kept me away for as long as he could. When I was five years old, I had to live with different people in my village and depend on them to put me through school. They called me Nwali, son of the soil. It meant I belonged to everyone in my village but to no one at the same time. The villagers were in charge of taking care of me while my father kept my uncles at bay. Their generosity got me a secondary school education. But that was as far as I could go with the resources they had.

    “They called me Nwali, son of the soil”

    Everyone expected me to become a teacher, but I found the role quite stuffy and boring. I spent the two years after secondary school working odd jobs instead. I tapped palm trees and helped families build houses — I did anything I could get my hands on. I saw my father once in a while, but he expected me to figure things out on my own. 


    RELATED: We Got A Soldier In Here! Kolade’s #AbroadLife.


    At 17, I decided to leave my village in Delta for Benin. My cousin promised to teach me to drive and offered me work as one of his cab boys. The first three months were okay, but I couldn’t bear the long hours of driving just to have my cousin take most of the profit I made. I couldn’t tell him that because I had to be grateful to him for trying to help.

    After another three months of yelling for passengers under the hot sun, I decided to take a break and go back to Delta. That’s when I found a bit of luck in my life.

    On my way to the park, I met a friend who was coming in from Delta. We exchanged pleasantries and I explained why I was heading home. His response to my complaints of driving taxis for hours under the sun was an odd demand for me to follow him on an errand in Benin. He offered to cover the two pence it would cost to get a bus back to my village, so I decided to go with him. There was nothing to lose.

    The errand turned out to be recruitment at the police college for new constables in 1955. Of course, I was surprised my friend wasn’t just upfront about it, but I was more interested in how to get in as well. So while he queued up, I rode a bicycle back home to get my documents. Hundreds of people were in the queue when I got back. Every young man wanted a chance to wear fancy uniforms and work with white men. I just needed money.

    “I refused to learn Yoruba. I felt it was easier to handle thieves that pleaded for mercy if I didn’t hear anything after e jo”

    When it finally got to my turn, the constable took one look at my file and asked me to leave. Apparently, 18 was too young to serve. But then, luck was on my side. One of the senior officers asked him to consider me because I looked strong. And that’s how I got into the ranks. 

    There were only four police colleges in Nigeria at the time. Benin was just a point of recruitment, so I was moved to the one in Kaduna for a while before I was relocated with other southern officers to Lagos in 1956. I can’t remember how much I earned, but we were paid in pounds until 1973 when naira notes were introduced. What I loved about my job was the respect it gave me. No matter the rank, there was some kind of honour you felt putting on a police uniform in the ‘60s. There was also a lot more investment in the force. I attended the Police Colleges in Paris and Britain for short courses, and in a year, I rose to the rank of cadet.

    I worked in Lagos until 1959. A senior officer decided it was best to experience other parts of the west. And in 1959, the country was still at a point when a mid-western Igbo (Igbos from the Bendel region) man transferred to Lagos or Abeokuta wasn’t odd. Nobody cared where I was from or that I refused to learn Yoruba. I felt it was easier to handle thieves who pleaded for mercy if I didn’t hear anything after “E jo”. I didn’t believe Yoruba people were open to learning my dialect. But it didn’t matter. No one bothered too deeply. 

    Abeokuta was a lot calmer than Lagos. I was stationed there to monitor the railway stations. We derailed passengers coming in from the north and monitored the day-to-day running. But after two years, I got bored. I liked the rush of Lagos more, where things like welcoming renowned leaders happened. For instance, in 1956, I got to see the Israeli prime minister, David Ben-Gurion.

    “It wasn’t until the first military coup in 1966 things changed. The attack happened the day I got married in the village.”

    Working at the police station in Lagos let me meet people from different works of life. And that made my work interesting. Like the time I met a gambler who was brought in from Obalende back in 1956. He was charged as a thief, but he didn’t seem like one to me. I was in charge of the evidence desk, so I could probe a bit more when criminals came in. 

    When we spoke, he mentioned that he ran away from home and was trying to win bets to make more money. But the men who arrested him didn’t believe it. He confessed to stealing clothes the morning of his arrest, but that was it. For some reason, he seemed genuine, and I believed his story. I spoke to my colleagues and we got him off on a two-week sentence rather than a year for petty theft. Those were the moments that made me feel like my job mattered; even the bible says blessed are the peacemakers. 

    The year everything changed

    It wasn’t until the first military coup in January 1966 that things slowly began to change. The attack happened the day I got married in the village. For the most part, civilians were safe. But because the attack was by southern soldiers, Chukwuma Kaduna Nzeogwu and Emmanuel Ifeajuna, it looked like the Igbos were trying to disrupt peace. I knew better than to share my thoughts with colleagues; people were upset. 

    I was moved to Lagos to serve later that year. They began to look at me as a police officer who was Igbo rather than just a police officer. 

    As a corporal and the only breadwinner of my home, I knew better than to get involved in the messiness of politics. My main priority was keeping my family safe while my wife was expecting our first child. 

    RELATED: How to Tell a Story About Coups in Africa

    The second attempt at taking over the government took away the last shred of peace. It was in August 1966, and officers called it the revenge coup. Unlike the first coup, which was handled mainly by southern officers, this operation seemed like retaliation from northerners because it was led by Lt. Colonel Murtala Muhammed

    Unlike the first, this takeover was successful, and for the first time, we lived under military rule. It was a very difficult time depending on your tribe. For me, it suddenly meant something to be an Igbo man serving with the Lagos police force. Some superior officers checked our badges and their countenance changed when they found out I was from the south. But I wasn’t going to buckle under the sudden pressure. 

    “When we lost the war in 1970, Nigeria went into a long period of discrimination”

    Back home, people were being slaughtered. Trains were loaded with dead bodies in the east, and when Lieutenant Colonel Ojukwu decided to push back in 1967, so did the ruling officers. It was a bloodbath, and I still don’t know how Lagos maintained some sense of sanity. Still, by 1968, I had to send my family back to Delta state from Lagos. 

    I’d become a sergeant by the end of 1966, and it was business as usual at the force, which meant always being away from home. But I’d had my second daughter and wasn’t comfortable with working all the time when things were so unsafe. I also couldn’t get any of my wife’s sisters to travel from Delta to Lagos because of their safety. 

    It was better to take my wife and kids to Delta dressed in my police uniform, which was the only thing keeping me from being harassed or outrightly killed. It was a hard decision, but keeping them away was for the best. Our village didn’t experience the attacks going on in the eastern towns.

    Between 1967 and 1970, Nigeria was at war with itself. But I didn’t have the time to process what it meant at 30 years old. I had to focus on my task of training police officers, assisting to keep some level of sanity in Lagos. 


    RELATED: The Soldier Fighting For Country At ₦250k/Month


    When we lost the war in 1970, Nigeria went into a long period of discrimination. Rising to the top of the force suddenly became difficult. I should’ve officially been promoted to sergeant, but the results for the exams I took weren’t released until after a year. Most people had theirs a few weeks after the exams. That’s when I knew a lot was about to change for me. 

    By 1975, I’d made a life for myself in the Ikeja barracks. My marriage was what you’d call successful because my wife and I had five children at that point. What hadn’t been so successful was my ability to support my family on my salary. I was earning less than ₦20k as a sergeant, and a family of seven wasn’t exactly cheap. But I wasn’t the only one experiencing the economic challenge. 

    “When my friend, a fellow officer, died from high blood pressure, I realised there was more to life than chasing ranks”

    Leaving behind the police force

    With the political instability, getting goods was hard and prices went up. I could get Omo for less than ₦5 before the coup, but after, we were spending almost ₦20 per sachet. Rice was also a luxury because importing was difficult. My wife eventually had to open a store to sell drinks so she didn’t have to depend on my salary for foodstuff. But I didn’t care about the money. I wouldn’t have enjoyed any other job as much. 

    As the years went by, I began to feel like my work as an officer didn’t matter. My family joined me in Lagos again in 1971. The Civil War was over, and I missed seeing my family. I’d had my second child in 1968, and we only saw a few times a year because of the state of things. So I brought them to join me at my flat in Ikeja barracks.

    I spent years leading up to the final coup in 1975 as a sergeant. I was in the office with a few personnel who talked about setting a village close to mine on fire. I’m sure they didn’t have a clue where I was from. But that’s how ruined we were as a country after 1965. At least, the failed 1966 coup was just a power struggle, but the rest were about personal dislikes amongst ourselves. 


    RELATED: How to Stay Safe in Nigeria — Tips from the Nigerian Police


    As long as the ruling party preferred a certain ethnic group over mine, even as an Assistant Commissioner of Police (ACP) in 1983, I dealt with unwarranted questioning and didn’t get the recognition I deserved. But I was convinced I needed to rise the ranks to be a commissioner because it would make a difference. 

    Then one of my friends, a fellow officer, died from high blood pressure, and I realised there was a lot more to life than chasing ranks. I was earning around ₦80k as an ACP in 1986. I decided to start putting money aside to build a home for my family in Delta. As the only son, my father left over 500 hectares of land to me. That was enough for a farm and properties to rent out over time. 

    “I don’t regret my time on the police force”

    Major General Babangida was still in power and the force was dominated by western and northern men. I could count the officers in my rank who were from the south on one hand. But I didn’t have the time to feel bitter. I put in my notice for retirement in 1989 and was approved for pension within six months. I left in 1990 at 53 without looking back.

    It’s been 32 years since and my monthly pension hasn’t changed. Less than ₦80k per month is all I’ve gotten since 1990 while my retired colleagues from the army receive a minimum of ₦150k per month. I was one step away from the highest rank in the force, but I can’t get decent money for 35 years of work. That’s the biggest pain for me. It shows policemen aren’t as valued as we were in 1955.

    But I don’t regret my time there. I’d do it all over again if I could because being on the police force gave me some of my greatest memories. Being an officer was a time I got to see the real side of human nature because of the amount of history I saw unfold. And now that I spend most of my time alone, it’s nice to remember what life was like when I was a young man.


    Now that we know what life was like for a Nigerian police officer in the ‘60s, imagine what would’ve happened if Abacha Never Died.


  • 8 Signs Your Mum Is Becoming Your Best Friend

    The mother-daughter relationship during the daughter’s teenage years aren’t pretty. The bickering is unmatched and the tension is unending. But there’s something about growing older that balances things out. Maybe it’s because you truly grow wings?  Well, here are eight signs you and your mum are now besties.

    You know about all the men that could have been your fathers

    If your mum hasn’t told you about her escapades at 25, then you haven’t unlocked the best friend level yet. The moment she tells you about her first love, she’s opening a rabbit hole into her darkest secrets.

    You pick from her food

    Imagine being 13 and using your spoon to collect food from your mum’s plate. The council of African mothers would have descended on you. But these days, you’re taking two pieces of meat from the pot with your full chest and even cutting from her plate. Tell me that isn’t love.

    You talk about the lovers in your life

    Gone are the days of hiding under your blanket to have midnight calls or lying about summer lessons to spend time with your crush. Now you’re showing her pictures of your mumu ex and getting valuable anecdotal advice.

    RELATED: I Still Haven’t Found a Better Gist Partner, Mum

    She gives you the tea

    Nothing about the family is hush hush and no one is off limits. If you’re at the point where your mum tells you who’s cheating on who in the family and who is owing who, that’s your best babe right there.

    You’re always out for brunch 

    Remember when the only response to buying food outside was, “There’s rice at home?” Now the woman is sending pictures of the waffles and sandwiches she wants to try for Sunday brunch. 

    You’re slaying to parties together

    Mummy and daughters that slay together? What more do you need to say when you turn up as baddies with the woman that used to chase you around to cover up. Now you’re wearing the mini skirt version of whatever iro and buba she’s sewing.

    RELATED: These Sequin Lace Styles Should Be in Every Woman’s Wardrobe

    You’re catching flights and feelings together 

    Low key, mums are sugar mummies that spray dollars without having to give any sugar. So travelling together means she can take care of your bills. A girls’ trip is sweet, but a trip with just your mum just hits different. 

    Y’all are drinking alcohol now?

    I was once beaten for drinking fruit wine at home. Now, my mum is mixing beer and Fanta and offering me some. If that doesn’t say bestie, I don’t know what does.

    Now that you know how to tell if your besties with your mum, read this to see how alike you are: 8 Signs That You’re Now Like Your Nigerian Mother

  • What She Said: Scoliosis Won’t Stop Me From Retiring at 35

    Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.

    This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is Itohan, a 20-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about why surviving a scoliosis surgery was big for her, getting surgery in India, gaining weight after and growing into a thrill seeker who plans to retire at 35.


    Scoliosis is an abnormal curvature of the spine. The cause isn’t known, but symptoms typically occur from childhood and range from a hump in the lower back to uneven shoulders/hips.


    What’s something about your life that makes you happy?

    I guess my happy story is accomplishing shit. I’m a big brain, and to be honest, that’s bad bitch doings.

    Okay, smarty pants. What’s one big thing you’ve done at 20 that blows your mind?

    I’d say surviving my scoliosis surgery. That was big for me.

    In what way?

    The things I got to achieve after. I mean, it fucked up my weight and mental. But it is what it is; it happened. 

    I didn’t know I had scoliosis, right? I had a funny walk when I was 13, and my mum thought I was trying to do guy. But that same year, I saw a bunch of pamphlets about different medical things at home. It had everything on scoliosis, lung and heart diseases. I loved to read as a child, so I read all of them. 

    And?

    When I was done with the scoliosis pamphlet, I gave it to my mum and told her the symptoms were exactly what was happening to me. She read it and called my aunt who’s a nurse in the UK. She said I should go for an x-ray. I was right. 

    How did you feel about the diagnosis at 13?

    I felt relieved. Growing up, people made so many comments about my body. They still do, but back then, the comments made me feel like everything was my fault. So even though it was kind of sad finding out, I also felt happy. 

    I also wouldn’t have figured things out without reading the pamphlets. That’s why when people say they don’t self-diagnose, I’m like hmm… that’s what saved my life.

    So how did things progress after confirming it was scoliosis?

    Getting surgery was the first option, but I didn’t want one. The idea just made me so uncomfortable, and my mum said I didn’t have to do it if there were other options to explore. So that’s what began the many many hospital visits. 

    Were there drastic changes in other parts of your life?

    I was out of school more than I was in it. There were hospital visits three times a week, with a lot of tests and scans. But I was in SS 3, so for the most part, I didn’t need to be in school. The exhausting part for my mum and I was showing up at the hospital.

    But why so many hospital visits if you weren’t getting surgery though?

    I needed to get a brace customised for me at Igbobi Hospital. The doctors said there was nothing they could do except try to stop the spine from bending anymore. As in, my spine will be bent o, but they’d try to prevent it from getting worse.

    Omo 

    The doctors also told me my mum was irresponsible for not knowing I had scoliosis. When it’s not like scoliosis is something they teach everyone everywhere. 

    I’m really sorry about that. Did the brace help with your back, at least?

    No. It was so uncomfortable. I cried the first day I wore it. My mum had to hold me when we got home. I didn’t want to wear the god-forsaken thing. It was made of plastic, looked so weird and made my clothes bulky. And they said I’d have to wear it for at least 22 hours a day. As in, I’d sleep in it and only take it off to bathe. 

    I didn’t put it on again after the first day. I was ready to have the surgery and kept going for consultations until then..

    When did that happen?

    A year later. I’d turned 14 by then. Making the decision meant another round of tests. The main question was where the surgery could be done? My mum didn’t want it to halt my life. She wanted somewhere that would guarantee I’d get healed quickly and move on. Nigeria wasn’t an option for us.

    So how did things go in India?

    Can you believe the doctors in Igbobi refused to release my x-ray? They asked me to stay in Nigeria so they could monitor the progression of my sickness for the doctors to learn.

    I’m screaming

    LOL. My mother said, “you want to use my only child for practicals”. We stole my x-ray. We told one of the doctors we needed a photocopy of the documents. They told us to talk to the student doctors instead for any questions we had. I guess they were busy that day. 

    Luckily, the student didn’t stress about getting the documents for us to make photocopies. Turned out the main doctor in charge of my case had it in the boot of his car; is he not mad? When the student brought it back, my mum took it, entered our car and never went back to the hospital.

    Love it!

    A lot of James Bond stuff happened o. Like I paid for it, it was my property, but I had to steal it.

    But why did you choose India?

    Hospitals in the US said I’d need to stay for a year post-surgery. The UK said six months, Germany was three months, but India gave me two weeks to get back into a normal routine. Clearly, you can see where we went.

    Weren’t the extra days needed for recovery?

    They also wanted to use me for practicals. Staying was less about the recovery and more about monitoring my movement and abilities. It’s not common to have scoliosis surgery. Only 2% – 3% of children get it, so people wanted to use me as a test subject.

    So what happened after the Igbobi James bond saga?

    LOL. We started doing research on Indian hospitals for scoliosis surgery. We found one with the help of my mum’s old classmates. She also had a child who’d had surgery in India and recommended a place.

    How did it feel knowing things were about to get better?

    Experiencing India for the first time was the best part of the process. Their food slaps. But when they attempted to make Nigerian food in the hospital? The ghetto. I guess they were trying to make me comfortable as a child. And they seemed to like Nigerians as well. 

    I had doctors who’d come in after looking at my file saying “You Nigerian? I love Abuja, Lagos. Yes, yes. Great people.” The energy just didn’t reach the food. Imagine putting one whole okra in my stew. No grating or boiling, just raw okra inside stew to eat rice.

    LOL. Okra and rice is normal in Côte d’Ivoire, sis.

    Fair enough. The free drinks were compensation. Once you enter a shop, “orange juice? mango juice?” everywhere. 

    Free? Please explain this to my Lagosian eyes.

    LOL. It was their culture. Whenever you went into a store they’d hand you a pet-sized bottle of juice. Maybe it had to do with being a foreigner. I drank juice tire sha. And the hospital stuffed me with milk at least four times a day because I needed the calcium.

    It sounds like you had a pretty good time considering you were there for risky surgery

    Being sad wasn’t going to change anything. The best thing to do was eat the free food and enjoy the city. I was cleared to leave after two weeks, but we stayed an extra two or three days because my mum’s passport was seized at the hospital.

    Sorry?!

    Yeah, Nigeria was refusing to let our money clear. My cousins in the UK and US sent money as well, but it didn’t reflect. The hospital could see we’d tried to pay, so they kept my mum’s passport while they waited to receive the funds.

    That’s crazy stuff. How were you doing post-surgery though?

    I gained a lot of weight. Of course, the food had something to do with it. But because I had just done surgery on my spine, I wasn’t active. For six months, I couldn’t play rugby like I used to in school or move around too much.

    What did you do with the six months of inactivity?

    JAMB lessons. The year I went for the surgery cut into my time for JAMB and WAEC. Not getting into school with my friends really got to me. But my mum wanted me to be useful to myself and forced me to focus on writing the exams. Eventually, things got better.

    How?

    First, I was taller. The surgery straightened the bones of my back to an extent. 

    Nice. And the second part?

    I eventually got into uni when I was 15. But there was a strike in federal universities right before I was meant to resume, so I had to stay home. I got a job as a cashier and an assistant at a pharmacy close to my house. I didn’t want to be stuck at home doing nothing all over again. And being good at the job made me feel validated and important. 

    That’s really sweet

    Yeah. Uni was also a pretty good experience for me. I got a full scholarship for my whole degree and that boosted the way I saw myself. I felt smart, and I hadn’t felt that way in a long time. 

    No one tells you how difficult it is to be held back because you’re sick. I gained so much weight from all the food in India and the rest period too. It really fucked up my psyche. The medications added to how much my body changed, so I know it’s out of my control.

    Hm. What parts of life are you looking forward to in your 20s?

    Retiring at 35. I’ve been working since I was 14. After the pharmacy job, I wrote non-fictional stories about the people I met. I got a job as a writer when I was 18, and I’ve worked my way up to being a junior editor since then.  

    So after all that work, I can’t retire like other people at 60. The corporate world shouldn’t have that much of my life.

    LOL. I feel like everyone says this, but it’ll eventually get really boring having that much free time at 35

    LOL. Going through surgery makes you realise just how much life has to offer. And I want to live a full life. I want to dance, sing, teach, travel and live as many lives as possible. It doesn’t have to be a long life for me; it just has to be full.

    If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why  

  • Let’s Get You Drunk on Honey With These Cocktails

    On a night I wanted to drown my sorrows from capitalism with a cocktail, and honey was the closest thing I had to a sweetener. I searched for a few recipes and found a couple of easy ones you need to get on today. 

    Bee’s Knees

    Source: Cookie + Kate

    Since our copy editor sneaks gin into his cups of tea at the slightest inconvenience, this one should be his favourite. All you need is dry gin, lemon and honey. But honey isn’t great with cold cocktails, so you need to turn the honey into a syrup by mixing it with equal amounts of water and heating it until it’s caramelised. If you hate gin, you can substitute it with vodka. 

    Recipe: 

    • Find honey. Add two tablespoons of water and honey to a pot or a bowl to microwave. Heat it up until you get a consistency like syrup and set aside.
    • Get a lemon and grate some of the peels into the honey and water mix. Then squeeze some of the juice in as well.
    • Now to the cocktail: Fill a glass with ice and pour the honey syrup, lemon and gin. Next, stir things up.
    • Drink up!

    Pro tip: Try pineapple-flavoured vodka with honey syrup and apple juice for an extra wave of sweetness.

    Source: Cookie + Kate

    Fallen leaf

    Source: Jessica Fradono, liquor.com

    I recommend this for tea lovers. It’s a hot cocktail with bourbon, so why not? Fallen leaf is a twist on a hot toddy (spirit, sugar and hot water) — find the recipe here. For this cocktail, you need ginger-flavoured liquor, or you can proceed to juice ginger into vodka and then add cinnamon, lime, nutmeg and honey. 

    Recipe: 

    • Add 12 tablespoons of bourbon (or more) to a mug. Then add a tablespoon of lemon juice.
    • Boil some water and add your choice of cinnamon tea. You can also just toss in a cinnamon stick to water and boil it as your tea.
    • Now pour the honey syrup into the cinnamon tea and bourbon mix. 
    • Garnish with grated nutmeg and a lemon wheel. Cheers!

    Source: liquor.com 

    Honeyed Coffee Gin and Tonic 

    This is for the coffee crack heads. And it only needs four ingredients: tonic water, gin, cold-brew coffee and honey syrup. The honeyed coffee gin and tonic says 28.3 grams (1 oz) of gin, but I eye-balled it and let the ancestors guide my decision. Enjoy it in any glass or mug of your choice.

    Source: Emma Janzen, Imbibe

    Recipe:

    • Make your coffee, toss in some ice and stir. Add in lemon juice, honey syrup and tonic water.
    • Add in more ice and some lemon zest to garnish.

    Source: Julia Momose, Kumiko

    RELATED: The Best Types of Coffee For An Authentic Nigerian’s Tastebuds

    Mulled gin

    Source: BBC Good Food

    This one is for the plain Janes like myself. Gin is a crowd favourite when it comes to honey syrup, and this recipe includes apple flavour for a kick. You can throw in some blended grapes, lemon and bay leaves, but feel free to tweak the recipe or keep it as simple as possible.

    Recipe:

    • Add gin to a glass.
    • Get a pot, add in apple juice, a cinnamon stick, honey, grapes or berries and bring to a simmer.
    • Strain the mix into a jar and pour it into your cup of gin. Add in some lemon juice and bay leaf for cover.

    RELATED: What Your Favourite Alcohol Says About You

    Tequila honey bee

    Source: Cocktail Contessa

    Specially crafted for a drunk night out with the girls on a yacht in Dubai. But I’ll take an evening sipping this cocktail while I pretend I’m the main character of a Tyler Perry movie. 

    It needs five main ingredients: tequila, honey syrup, lemon juice, lemon peels and Angostura Bitters, a concentrate of herbs, to temper the sweetness. Or you can use agbo; let me know how it goes.

    Recipe: 

    • Follow the bee’s knee recipe, but instead of gin or bourbon, use tequila as your base. Now add in Angostura Bitters, a lemon peel and ice.

    Source: Insanely Good

    Milk and honey cocktail

    Source: Spruce Eats

    This is where you’ll see lactose-intolerant people gather. This cocktail recipe is a mix of scotch, milk, cream and honey. I also think this is for bougie drunks because which Nigerian drinks scotch?

    Recipe:

    • Get some alcohol of your choice as a base. Add in cold milk, some yoghurt or cream, orange slices and a cinnamon stick. 
    • Mix the drink, leave it in the fridge to chill and enjoy once it’s chilled.

    Source: Difford’s Guide

    Honey beer cocktail

    Source: Kris Longwell

    Beer isn’t for everyone and that’s okay, but can you really say no to a beer cocktail? With honey? C’mon, live a little. This is for the alcohol drinkers that need to be a little bit daring. And it’s the easiest recipe.

    Recipe: 

    • Add honey, lemon juice, beer and some mint into a cup. Next, stir the mix until the honey is dissolved.
    • Add in ice and lemon juice.

    Source: How to feed a loon

    Note: 28.3 grams (1 oz) is about two tablespoons of whatever liquid you need in the drink.

    Now, you know pineapple vodka and apple juice has my heart, but what do you think other Zikoko writers love to drink? Weird Homemade Cocktails Zikoko Writers Are Making

  • 7 Cheap Tricks to Give Your Bedroom Mansion Vibes

    A simple solution to the cubicles sorry houses they build in Nigeria these days would be bigger houses, but Lagos landlords would rather chew iron. So in this article, I shared some pro tips to make your bedroom look bigger. Even if you don’t live in a mansion, the least you can do is get your bedroom to fake it.

    Clear all your clutter

    Your room will keep looking like a cubicle if you handle it like a pig sty. Nothing in this article will help you if all your stuff’s scattered. At least, stuff them in your wardrobe and pretend.

    Get longer curtains, and place them higher

    Source: littlehouselovely.co.uk

    Curtains aren’t cheap. Heck, they’re the most expensive basic furnishing you’ll have to purchase. But they’re essential if you don’t want people to see your nakedness. The idea with curtains is to place them closer to the ceiling. People will focus on the height and see things much bigger than they actually are.

    RELATED: Home Is a Shapeshifting Concept

    Or ditch curtains entirely

    Our forefathers didn’t have them, and they were fine. And again, they’re expensive. The goal is to have fewer items in your room, and heavy curtains can make it appear choked up. If you can’t live without them, blinds are less bulky and more pleasing to the eye.

    Move your mirrors closer to natural light

    First,

    To make your space more like a home, get a full-length mirror. Squeeze ₦8k – ₦10k into your carpenter’s hand, and you should be fine. As long as you keep the frame as basic as possible.

    When you get the mirror, put it close to your window. The reflective light will make you think the space is bigger as the reflection of the view outside just opens up the room a lot more.

    RELATED: 5 Items That’ll Destroy Your Bank Account When Furnishing Your Home

    Keep your furniture closer to the ground

    Source: People Magazine

    A mattress on the floor has the potential to make your room look bigger because it leaves more space than a huge bedframe. You need to avoid high furniture in general because they take up more room.

    White all the way

    If you’re not down for white, nude is the next best thing. But whatever you pick, keep the colours light. Don’t go painting your entire room purple because you’ll wake up one day asking yourself why. The lighter the colour, the more light you get into the room, and remember what we said about light and the illusion of space?

    Match your wall with the furniture

    Like a man’s belt and shoes, you need the colours in your room to be coordinated. Once you’re out there buying a pink bed and painting your walls yellow, there’s nothing we can do for you again. 

    If you want more details on how much it costs to furnish your home, check out this article: “Basic Furnishing Cost Me ₦2m” — How Much Are Nigerians Spending on Their Homes?

  • #ToHER: Our Friendship Feels Like Drinking Cold Garri on a Hot Day

    We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.

    From: Onyinye, a woman who expects her best friend’s child to be named after her

    To: Toyosi, the best friend who makes their friendship as refreshing as cold garri

    Dear Toyosi,

    You weird beautiful girl. First, I want to say you’re as amazing as you’re beautiful. I thank God every day for what we have, this friendship. It’s sweeter than honey and as refreshing as cold garri on a hot day. Maybe that’s why I’m writing — because I want you to see a written form of my love for you.

    Do you even remember our story? Because I don’t, honestly. It’s like we’ve known each other forever. How we started talking because of a gossip you were caught up in, there’s the part of having a lot in common — missing fathers, first daughters who carry a lot of burden on their shoulders, a love for God and food — little wonder we connected so well.

    Most times, I remember how you make me feel more than what you say. Like when we get bored, and I keep my head on the table while you run your hands through my hair until I sleep off. That’s one thing I love about you, you’re intentional about our friendship and how you love me. Running your hands through my hair made me feel like I was home. I felt so at peace. Honestly, I think that was how I started trusting you without a second thought.

    Thanks babes for always trying to get me to go out and try new things, not only when it comes to life, but also when it comes to our love for God. Let’s not forget that if you didn’t drag me out, I wouldn’t have all my fine fine Instagram pictures. 

    RELATED: Four Months of Living Together and Hopefully We Don’t Kill Each Other

    Toyosi, you’re a very weird child. Who on earth invites someone to their house for the first time and gives them cold garri and milk? Who decides to teach a girl how to put on make-up just because they’re friends? Who takes in a friend they’ve known for a short time just because life is happening to that friend? You. You’re weird, sweet, and I love it. 

    I often ask you why we’re friends. You absolutely don’t benefit from this relationship like I do. Yet, you tell me every time that you love me. You always show up when I’m in my ghost mode. Nagode.

    I know I always tell you you’re sweet, nice and gorgeous, but you should know you’re also strong and amazing.

    Babes, our dreams, they’ll come true someday. We’ll travel around the world, and I’ll watch you take all those stupid rollercoaster rides while I take pictures because no be me you go kill.

    But till then, as we hustle remember, I love you best, girl. I love you when you’re at your lowest and when you’re at your strongest. 

    As a closing remark, kindly make money abeg. I’m tired of working. And please, do and find a man, so you can name your child Onyinye too. And I’ll name mine Toyosi.

    With lots of love,

    From your weird bestie

    If you’d like to write a letter #ToHER, click here to tell us why

    ALSO READ: We Were Best Friends In Secondary School, Now We Are Married

  • How Do You Plan a Lagos Wedding on a Budget?

    When it comes to owambes, Lagos takes the cake with planning things out. But how much does it cost to put together a wedding that actually bangs? In this article, five Nigerian women broke things down. 

    Adeola* , 30, wedded in Ikeja

    April 2022 was when I got married and I planned most of it with my mum. We only hired a planner to handle coordination on the wedding day. The initial budget was ₦20 million and my parents were meant to cover most of the bill because it was a cultural thing. I’m Yoruba while my husband is Igbo. Traditionally, in Yoruba land, the bride’s family is the host. But in modern-day weddings like mine, the groom’s family contributes financially too. 

    Beyond the culture factor, my husband’s family had less than 100 out of the 500 guests we targeted. I had a larger family based in Lagos and coming in from Kwara state too, so we had to cover those expenses. The 500 people were even a gamble because I was the last child getting married. With my older siblings, we ended up with over 1000 guests. It was hard to be strict with such a large attendee list. And Nigerians no dey RSVP invitations; trust me, I tried. 

    Anyway, as a caterer, I was able to cut back our ₦20m budget to ₦15m. It may not sound like a huge difference, but trust me, putting ₦5m back in the bank when you’re getting married is a huge feat. The ₦15m covered both the engagement party and wedding. 

    RELATED: A First-Timers Guide to Attending Nigerian Weddings

    Wedding planner

    The most prominent wedding planners in the game were charging us between ₦1m – ₦2.5m. The not-so-big ones went for ₦500k. But I ended up getting a friend to help out and she took ₦250k for coordinating the wedding day. 

    Dress and makeup

    My wedding dress and other outfits were the same approach. One dress from any big brand was going for ₦1m – ₦1.5m and upwards. Initially, I was willing to rent a dress at ₦200 – ₦300k, but I ended up finding an upcoming designer willing who made a custom piece for a little over that range. The engagement outfit was the same price, and I kept my accessories under ₦50k.

    My husband didn’t also stress. He used an upcoming designer as well and paid ₦60,000 for the suit. He had a shirt he wanted to wear already, but the tie, pocket square and boutonnière all cost ₦11,500 while his shoes cost about ₦20,000.

    We all know bridal makeup and gele are expensive. And for the engagement and wedding, I’d be paying ₦1m upward if I used a premium service. But my friend recommended someone who was doing a promo package at the time and paid  ₦140k for everything.

    Food

    The catering would have been our biggest cost. As a caterer myself, if I was to charge for feeding 500 guests, their bill would look like this:

    And I’d still add a 15% service and transportation charge. All for a service that isn’t premium — no fancy seafood, continental dishes, fancy dorime services or displays. But we only spent half of that amount (₦1.6m)for the engagement and wedding because we catered the event ourselves.

    Venue and decorations

    With all the basics settled, the venue was the next challenge to face. We were planning to get a place on Victoria Island, but when the best deal we found was ₦2.5 m, the reality of inflation dawned on me. And the venues that cost less on the island weren’t good at all. So we kuku went to face the mainland. 

    In Surulere, there were only two options that could house 500 guests. One was already booked for our date while the other was under renovation. Eventually, we found a decent wedding hall in Ikeja for ₦1.5m Luckily, we got a ₦200k discount An engagement venue close by cost another ₦300k. There were cheaper options for ₦100k – ₦200k but each had one issue or the other — there were either no taps, air conditioners or security. 

    The rest of the money went into items like videography, photography, catering to logistics and accommodation. But cutting costs made it possible to splurge on a few things other things, fresh flowers for my bouquet. 

    Faux flowers cost ₦5k in the market. Custom-made faux flowers cost about ₦15k – ₦20k while fresh flowers cost ₦60k – ₦100k or more — roses and tulips are the most expensive. But I paid a florist ₦40k for mine.

    Halima*, 28, wedded in Surulere

    I got married in March 2022. I had my Nikkah ( the religious ceremony for Muslims) and reception at Surulere on the same day. 

    During Yoruba weddings, the lady’s family does the planning for the wedding, but the groom and bride cook separately. I’m not sure how much my husband spent, but the budget on my side was a little over ₦2m. 

    For a start, finding an affordable venue was difficult. And planning everything while I was five months pregnant didn’t make it any easier. After checking through Island locations to fit 1000 people and ending up with quotes from ₦1.6m upwards, we settled on getting an open space in Surulere. It cost us ₦600k with the tables,  and decorations and chairs cost me another ₦800k.

    In between searching for the venue, my husband and I designed our wedding bands — were customised gold rings with our names on them for ₦220k.  We had these done at Ojuelegba.

    The night before the wedding, family members showed up at the house. So we had to plan for food. About 20 guests showed up and we had to buy a carton of turkey and fish, half a bag of semo and 10 cups of rice. I can’t remember exactly how much we paid for food, but the most expensive thing was the two cows that cost us ₦750k.

    RELATED: These Guys Tried to Kill a Cow and the Most Hilarious Thing Happened

    As for my dress and make-up, I made sure to keep it simple. The white material for my wedding dress was ₦25k while sewing it cost ₦18k. My aso oke was a bit more expensive because it was an express order. The material cost ₦35k and we spent ₦24k for sewing. 

    My accessories cost ₦60k. And my nails and makeup were ₦73k. Logistics, accommodation for our family coming outside of Lagos and my hotel room were handled by my husband.

    Amaka*, 28, wedded in Yaba

    We planned for something very small because the wedding happened during the pandemic. Beyond the limit the government put on gatherings, we always wanted something quiet.

    Our court, traditional and white wedding cost about ₦2m in total. The majority of the money went into the transportation to my village in Imo State. My husband’s people had to come down from Lagos. Hotel accommodation and transport alone cost us ₦600k. 

    Igbo people also organise something called Igba Nkwu, a traditional ceremony where the groom performs rites for the bride’s kinsmen. There was a whole list with wine, foodstuff and money requests to cover. They cost about ₦350k.

    The rest of the money went into my wedding dress, food and picking a small hall around Yaba. As a Deeper Life church member, I didn’t need to think about earrings, hair or makeup. Styling my natural hair myself worked fine.

    Ronke*, 26, wedded in Gbagada

    If you don’t have money, your wedding will stress you. Mine was relatively pricey because inflation just makes everything go up by the week these days. The exchange rate was epileptic this year [2022] so planning for 450-500 guests cost a lot. Feeding alone was more than ₦1m. Then the hall was at Gbagada and was to cost ₦1.2m – ₦1.5m on weekends. But I had my wedding on a weekday and paid ₦750k instead. There was really no way to avoid spending that much money on food and venue.

    The next thing that took quite a bit of money was travelling to Akwa-Ibom. Since my father had a house in my village, the cost was on my husband to cover his family’s bus fare and hotel. That alone cost ₦500k. 

    I also wanted to have a lot of memories from the experience, so I really went all out on my media team. I paid about ₦500k to cover the events across cities. It was expensive but worth it for me.

    My most questionable expense was the MC service. He charged ₦250k and I’m sure we could’ve gotten someone for ₦100k for the kind of forgettable experience he provided. That money could have been spent on a wedding coordinator instead, but we move.

    Another thing that takes money is designing the wedding programs for the church wedding, but I did it myself in Canva. Most people just end up leaving it in church anyway. I can’t remember how much it costs to print them, but it was way cheaper since I did it myself.

    Everything eventually came down to ₦6m for other expenses like my dresses and accessories, the live band, drinks, cake and a bunch of other things I can’t remember. Honestly, even if you have a budget, add ₦1m to everything on the list to be safe, and ask yourself what the intention of every item l on your list is. If it’s to show off, remember that everybody will go home, last last.

    Dolapo*, 24, wedded in Isheri

    I got married in April 2022. My husband’s family took most of the financial responsibility, but my husband made sure there was a spreadsheet documenting everything.

    The hall and decorations were the most expensive. We went as far as Isheri, but we still paid ₦1,660,000. The photographer my father-in-law decided to hire was also quite expensive. I didn’t understand why we needed to pay ₦750k. I tried to push back but he decided to fund it. He also hired a live band for ₦700k. I had to give up and let the man spend his money at that point.

    We had about 700 guests, so the food was around ₦2m. There was lots of amala going around, a whole ram grilled in front of the church and lots of drinks. The small chops and non-alcoholic drinks came down to ₦224,700; our wedding cake was ₦100k. 

    The food, venue and media coverage took the most money. I got my wedding gown for free and fixed the weave my sister gifted me for ₦4k.

    Planning my wedding showed me that everyone needs good friends and family for support. It’s been three months since our wedding and we’re still getting gifts from people. It’s the most thoughtful thing.

    Now that we’ve gotten the money talk out of the way, also read: 10 Things to Be Prepared for When Planning a Wedding in Nigeria

  • 10 Ways to Make Sure You Never Receive a Bad Birthday Gift

    Are you tired of receiving bad birthday gifts from your friends and partner? Are you tired of giving fake smiles when your wishlist for the year is completely ignored? Here are ten ways to put an end to getting horrible birthday gifts.

    Shoot them

    Preferably with a water gun — except you’re willing to spend your next birthday eating prison beans. Then, by all means, fire away. Either way, everyone will get the message to buckle up next time.

    Forget their birthday

    Pettiness is the only way forward in life. But if you’re too sweet for that, sha buy them a really cheap gift when their turn comes. Anyone that gives you nonsense should collect nonsense too my dear.

    Avoid them like a plague

    Since no one knows what you like after all the years of talking to them, avoid them. Let bad energy stay away from you.

    Be passive-aggressive

    Take the silent treatment a step forward and drag them in the mud. Anything passive-aggressive to let them know they fucked up your big day is a must. 

    QUIZ: How Petty Are You?

    Re-sell the gift online

    Preferably a thrift shop they use. When they see it while they’re casually scrolling online, they’ll get the message. Make sure they’re home when you’re re-wrapping their gift for delivery.

    Re-gift them their gift

    An eye for an eye, a nose for a nose — you get the drill. Those words should be your daily affirmation this year.

    Ask them what they take you for

    Because why? Get to the root of the problem. Maybe your friends are really clueless about what you’d love as a gift. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerians on Receiving Expensive Gifts They Couldn’t Sustain

    Save it for a future fight

    Take time to plot your revenge. After all, they say revenge is best served cold. So bring it up 10 years later in a totally unrelated conversation.

    Pray

    What if all the years of bad gifts are a result of your village people? Maybe they found you, stole your friends and have been masquerading as the people you love. Just think about it.

    I don’t know about the men, but if you want to make a Nigerian woman happy, here are Six Ways to Celebrate Her Birthday

  • I Snooped Around My Nigerian Mum’s Phone to See What Goes On in Her Group Chats

    If you’ve ever wondered what goes on in a Christian mother’s group chat, look no further. I snooped around my mother’s phone to see what goes down in her Catholic Women’s Organization (CWO) group. 

    Here are eight things you’ll always see in a typical godly Nigerian mother’s group chat.

    So many forwarded messages

    The first thing I noticed was so many messages were being forwarded from only God knows where. After every three messages, I’d see some kind of forwarded prayer or announcement.

    Endless Prayers

    If you have a mother in CWO, no village person can find you. Those women are reciting 50 decades of their rosary and saying at least five prayers daily for their children. 

    RELATED: How Strong Are Your Village People?

    Calling each other “Sister”

    The whole chat was giving reverend sister vibes. I can’t even count the number of times I read “Good morning sister” or “Remember today is our thanksgiving day dear sisters.” 

    RELATED: What She Said: I Have Been a Reverend Sister for 12 Years

    Assigning tasks to one another

    I saw a roaster for sweeping the church and it was giving strong secondary school labour day vibes. I know it’s for the Lord, but why can’t the same rule apply at home? Would like to see your father on a morning duty roaster.

    Baby dedications

    Can it really be a Nigerian mothers association without a deluge of prayers for newborns?

    Organising four-hour-long meetings

    Catholic mums have meetings every first Saturday of the month and a million times every other day. And no, there’s no singing or dancing  to Buga there.

    Broadcasts warnings on the latest in Nigeria

    Among the barrage of forwarded messages, there’s always an update on why everyone should endeavour to keep their children inside the house for one reason or the other. I’m guessing this is where all those long broadcast messages we receive originate from.

    Pictures of themselves 

    Those awkward angles 40+ selfies are scattered all over the group. I can’t bring receipts for this one sha, use your imagination.

    RELATED: 9 Things That Can Never Satisfy Nigerian Mothers

    Calling out bad behaviour

    The passive-aggressive texts were chilling. Happy to know that Nigerian mothers shout at themselves too.

    Supporting one another

    With everything in between, there’s also a lot of love in the group. Our mothers check in on themselves and show up for one another when they need to. It’s really sweet to see how older women support and connect with themselves. 

    Now that I’ve brought amebo from my mother’s group chat, share this article with your mum and let us know how it goes.

    Also, Never Introduce Your Nigerian Mum to These Six Things