Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who rarely has sex. She talks about almost getting married to an ex boyfriend who betrayed her trust by cheating on her multiple times and how this experience shaped her interest in sex.  

What was your first sexual experience?

The first time I did anything sexual, it was sex with my boyfriend. I was 16, and we had just started dating. He came over to my house when my parents were out of town. My older siblings were in the house, but they were in their rooms ⁠— they never really bothered about me. My boyfriend and I sat in one of my dad’s cars and had sex.

What was the experience like?

It was bittersweet. There were moments when it felt like he was reaching deep into something, and I felt an interesting sensation going through my body, then other moments where all I felt was pain. He wasn’t very gentle, even though it was both out first times. I bled and felt really sore afterwards. I told my sister — though I was freaking out about telling her —  and she casually told me to use a condom next time. That was all. 

What were your expectations of sex before this experience?

My expectations matched my experience. I expected it to be painful and disgusting, and it was. The only thing I didn’t expect were those moments of sweetness.

I’d always wondered why people had sex because it’s so ew. Then I started dating, and it felt only natural to have sex. 

You hadn’t had a boyfriend before this point?

Nope. I was chubby in my first year in secondary school. Nobody really liked me. People would say mean things to me, like I have body odour because I’m fat or I’m ugly. It affected my self-esteem. Then I started losing the fat — not even deliberately — and suddenly, everyone wanted to be my friend. I basked in it because I had never been the cool, slim babe before. That was really how I started dating my ex. He was a cool guy, and I was becoming a cool babe. 

Okay. What happened after the sex? 

More sex. We started at the same university, and he got an apartment outside of school. I would go there during the weekends, and we would have sex in every position: the bathroom, the kitchen, the verandah at night. We went out on dates as well, but the sex was a big part of how we spent our days. 

Was the sex better?

Sometimes it was. Sometimes, it wasn’t. He prioritised his pleasure before mine. I doubt that he cared if I orgasmed or not, but I performed to his tune and gave him what he wanted. The times when it was good, it was mostly accidental, like if he accidentally hit a certain spot, and I made him stay like that for a while. If it wasn’t convenient for him, he did what he wanted. 

Doesn’t sound exciting.

It wasn’t. In university, I was a JJC, so I didn’t say anything. I also didn’t talk to anyone about it. We continued having rubbish sex and pretending to be the perfect couple in the world. Then one day, I think in my third year, he asked me why I was frigid. 

What?

He said I always just lay there doing nothing. That was a lie. We didn’t always lie down. We did all kinds of positions, and I even acted like a pornstar in some of them, but that didn’t seem enough for him. I took it in good faith sha — it was feedback. 

Tell me about porn.

Watching porn is a recreational activity for me. I’ve been watching it since I was 12/13. I discovered my brother’s porn magazine stash, then his CDs and was hooked. I stopped watching it for a while when I was religious in secondary school, but I continued when I started dating just so I could impress my boyfriend. 

But he wasn’t impressed. 

Nope. And neither was I with him. The dissatisfaction with our sex life actually led me to masturbation. I would put on a good black porn clip, maybe women-on-women action and I’d masturbate. I’d give myself several orgasms and realised what he wasn’t giving me. But did I leave him? 

You tell me. 

Nope. We finished university, and I was still with him having mediocre sex. Worst part is, I wasn’t interested in having sex every single minute of our time together. He was. Left to me, we would go an entire weekend without having sex. 

Once when we were serving, I brought up “spicing up our sex life”, and he said, “It’s about time.” Implying that I was frigid and the sex with me was bad. I was so angry, so I told him, “Oga, you’ve never made me orgasm. Not once in the five years of our relationship.” Boy was he mad. He asked if I was lying; I said I wasn’t. He said he’d do better. 

Did he?

Here’s where it gets interesting. We were not living together at the time. We lived in separate states for NYSC, but we visited each other regularly. After this conversation, we didn’t see each other for a while. When we did see and were about to have sex, he told me that I had lied about him not givng me orgasms. 

Yeah? 

He said he slept with two women and made them orgasm several times. One of them even said she’d had the best sex of her life. I was stunned by the audacity. Normal men would be hiding the fact that they cheated, but this one cheated and came to tell me in order to prove a point. 

We fought. It was our first real fight. The first of many.

You had never fought before? 

Not really. Apart from minor squabbles. The relationship wasn’t all bad. He was really kind to me in other areas, like with money, studying with me and helping me out generally. We loved each other. But when it came to sex? He thought only with his dick and had an ego the size of a mountain. 

Yikes. How did the fight get resolved? 

I was pretty much done with him, but he begged me to take him back, that he would never do it again, that he was just really insecure. As a stupid 21-year-old, I believed him and took him back. 

Did the sex get better this time? 

He seemed to try a bit harder this time, investing in foreplay and oral sex. I really enjoyed those. Gradually, it got better, but I told myself he would never be as great as my fingers or a dildo. 

Fair. So what were the other fights about? 

After his confession, I wasn’t sure I could trust him and would monitor his activities on social media — he’d met the two girls he slept with on social media — and read his messages anytime he came over. He saw that I couldn’t trust him and would always make it a big deal, instead of trying to win his trust. The older we got, the less we fought. We both got jobs and were busy with life. Sometimes, we wouldn’t even have sex for a month. But when he proposed to me, I said “yes”. 

How old were you?

23. Everyone expected us to get married, so we decided we would. I convinced myself that we had a lifetime to figure out trust and sex, so I wasn’t bothered. 

We even started to get close again. We moved in together and started to try sex in risky places. It wasn’t exciting sex, but that feeling of coming back together and sneaking around to have sex was great for us. Unfortunately, this didn’t last long. He became messy.

How so? 

Someone would text me to leave her boyfriend alone. Another would text me to say she’d had an abortion for him.

What? 

He was cheating on me throughout. My instincts were not wrong. 

What did you do? 

I was too scared to break up with him. Our families had met for introduction, and we were about to do the traditional wedding. I didn’t tell anyone. Not even him. I just simply blocked their numbers and never responded. 

Yikes. How did it make you feel? 

Depressed. I had been with this guy for about eight years, and he was cheating on me? Who could I trust then?

I’m sorry. What did you do? 

I went ahead with the traditional wedding, hoping the messages I got were prank texts. I read his texts one time and didn’t find any evidence of cheating. In fact, I saw a text where he was telling a babe to leave him alone. I stupidly thought that the people he messaged me were trolls or something. But my spirit wasn’t settled, and I kept on having nightmares about it. And so I called off the wedding. I told him why, and he kept saying it wasn’t true, that he loved me, bla, bla, bla. 

Wow. Now that you’re single, what’s sex like these days?

I haven’t dated anyone since then. It’s been four years. I’ve had a few sexual partners, but I’m always so afraid to have sex with someone new. I think I’m afraid of men. A dildo won’t break your heart, you know? 

Right? And these sexual partners you’ve had, what’s that experience like?

Good actually. Some of it was fair. One stands out. He was so good that I almost told him I loved him. He made me orgasm multiple times. Actually, beyond even orgasming, the sex was good. I felt it in my bones. 

LMAO. How do you find them? 

Social media, and mostly, they’re the ones that find me. We get talking, establish what we want, arrange to have sex a few times and that’s it. This happens like once a month, and I never sleep with someone more than twice. 

Sounds like an arrangement you’re okay with. 

Yup. I’m still mostly into my dildos than I am into men. I don’t even know if it’s the heartbreak alone. It’s time, and the fact that I’m not that obsessed with sex. People on social media talk about sex morning, noon and night, and I think, aren’t you guys tired?

LMAO. So how would you rate your sex life?

I’d say 8/10. I have sex on my own terms, and even though it’s like once a month, it’s not so bad.

Relationships can be hard, and sometimes you just need someone to give you a bit of advice. Ask Ozzy is our new advice column where you send Zikoko the relationship questions that have been bugging you, and Ozzy Etomi gives you the best relationship advice. The column is part of our brand new category, Ships, that tackles all kinds of relationships, not just the romantic ones. If you’d like to send in your questions, click here.

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old asexual Nigerian woman who has only ever had penetrative sex twice. She talks about discovering her asexuality after years of being uninterested in sex and how she’s lucky to have married someone who feels the same way about sex as she does. 

What was your first sexual experience? 

I’ll answer this as my first exposure to sex. When I was 12, one of my classmates brought a porn magazine to school, and all day, everyone was talking about sex. I didn’t even know how people had sex, but my mates said they had already had sex before. I was shocked because I grew up hearing sex was bad outside marriage and had associated it with evil or something only adults should do. So imagine hearing that other 12-year-olds were having sex? I was shocked. At some point, I thought they were lying, but during a school party later that year, people were caught having sex with each other. 

Wow. And what were your general feelings about sex? 

I was going to wait for marriage. There was no arguing about it. I didn’t feel any pressure to have sex because everyone was doing it. Also, I’m pretty close to my mother, so I told her about what my mates said, and she kept telling me to face my books and instilling the fear of sex in me. 

When I started dating in senior school, it was a long-distance relationship. We dated for three years and never had sex or made out. We rarely even saw each other during our relationship. However, I often wonder if the guy wasn’t cheating on me. 

So sex never came up?  

Nope, but then again, we were both religious and naive, although I felt more naive. 

We met when he was still in my secondary school, but he changed schools midway, and the relationship became long distance. When we saw each other, my mum was there, so there was no opportunity even to attempt kissing.  

So when did you make out with someone? 

Not until I was in university. My boyfriend and I had just broken up, and I was sad. I was looking for distractions, and I found it quickly in a random senior in my faculty who told me he liked me but didn’t want to date me yet because he needed to talk to God to be sure. I went along with it because, as I said, I just needed the distraction.

We didn’t do more than make out because he needed to be sure that I was the one for him from God. Once he had the confirmation, we could start having sex if we wanted. So it was kissing and me giving him head. He never asked what I wanted. He kept demanding. He strung me along for about a year, and that confirmation never came. I brought it up once, and he got annoyed and broke it off. It’s not as if I wanted to date him sha.

Did you enjoy making out with him, though? 

Nope. I was waiting to feel that explosive feeling that I heard came with making out with someone for the first time. It never came. I assumed it was because I didn’t have feelings for him. He wasn’t that attractive honestly. So I decided to find someone who I was emotionally and sexually attracted to. But before I saw anyone I had feelings for, I made out with a bunch of different people and didn’t enjoy it. It felt like I was forcing myself to do something I didn’t want to do. 

So when you found someone you were attracted to, what happened? 

There were parts to the making out that I enjoyed. I enjoyed kissing him. I enjoyed giving him a blowjob. But I didn’t feel ecstatic when it was his turn to give me head. I mostly always told him I wasn’t interested in that. To make matters worse, he wanted to have sex, and I didn’t. I told him I was waiting for marriage, and he wasn’t buying that. Every time we made out, he would try to remove my underwear forcefully. I was becoming terrified that he’d rape me, so I broke up with him. It was a short-lived relationship. 

What happened after this?

After university, I decided I was going to have sex. It happened like this: during a night out with friends, I met a guy, and he invited me to his house. I went. I wasn’t thinking. We started making out the next day, and he raped me. He kept saying ‘just the tip’, ‘just the tip’, and I was like, no, I don’t want to.  

I’m so sorry.

Thanks. I didn’t even think of it as rape at the time. I kept wondering why I didn’t feel anything. So I decided that I would try sex. That was when I gave up on waiting till marriage. I tried it with a colleague. To be honest, I didn’t feel like it, but I was determined to try. Unfortunately, I was dry down there and each time he tired to penetrate, I would scream from the pain. So it didn’t happen then. I thought it was because I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I tried with someone else, and it was the same thing. I decided to speak to someone about it — a friend who was studying medicine. They said I could use lubes for the dryness, that it was normal, and that if it was associated to low libido or not being aroused, that was also normal and that I shouldn’t fret. They suggested I try masturbation.

That worked out well. I was watching porn and having multiple orgasms with just my fingers. But I started to feel ashamed of it, so I stopped. No thanks to my religious beliefs. It didn’t correct the way I felt about sex.

I went back to sex — I tried a few more times with different people. All painful experiences. That was when I met the man who became my husband. 

How did you meet? 

I met him through a friend. We kissed on our first date, and I loved it. The first time I went to his house, months after our first date, we had sex, and it worked. It actually worked. I was excited. I didn’t have an orgasm, but I enjoyed it. He was the one who initiated it.  

Mad.

But we didn’t have sex again for long after that because once I knew that I could have sex and enjoy it, I felt like I was normal and wanted to go back to waiting for marriage. But because we had had sex, we were very open to talking about it. It was during one of these discussions that my husband told me that he might be asexual. I had never even heard of asexuality. But once he explained it to me, I was like; I think I’m asexual too. 

But what about the sex you both had the first time? 

He said that there were days when his libido was fine and that because it was our first time sleeping together, he felt the need to initiate sex. He said that if I had said I wasn’t interested, he would have stepped back and not pressured me. 

Fair enough. 

Yeah. So I realised that it’s not that you don’t feel like having sex, or you don’t enjoy it when you do, at least for us. For me asexuality means I’m rarely interested in sex and I rarely get aroused. His interest level when it comes to sex is similar to mine, but he doesn’t have a problem with arousal.

When I told a friend that my boyfriend was asexual, he was so shocked and said that how can a guy that has mad sex appeal be asexual. He was like, nope, my boyfriend is cheating on me, that all guys want sex. And I bought it for a while. The friend even told me not to marry him oh.

But you did. 

The more I discovered that I was asexual, the more I realised that it would be wrong to do life with someone who isn’t asexual like me. There would be so much pressure to have sex, internally and externally, and I’m not sure if I’d be able to live with that. 

Since you married, how often have you had sex? 

Just once more. We’ve been married for a year, and in that time, we mostly just make out. We enjoy that more than anything. We cuddle, we hold hands. We are very touchy people, especially in public. Nobody would ever guess that we’re not killing each other with sex every other day. And when one of us is horny or stressed, we get each other off. He’s very good with his hands, and I’m good with my mouth. 

How often? 

I can’t say, but maybe monthly? But most of the time, we’re doing other things without really having sex. 

That’s cool. Would you say that you’re satisfied with your sex life? 

To be honest, I’m not. There are days that I feel very abnormal and wonder what I’m missing out on and if there’s a way to fix myself. Because we’re kind of newly married, everyone jokes about having sex — from pastors to our parents and friends. No one knows we’re asexual. I am learning though that sexual needs can change over time, so maybe ours would.

Most of the time though, it’s all good. I’m glad I found my husband. And sometimes, just knowing that he exists is all that matters. 

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 39-year-old heterosexual man who was celibate for almost a decade before he got married. He talks about his wild sexual past and how he thinks that might be stopping him from fully enjoying married sex.  

What was your first sexual experience? 

I didn’t know anything about sex until I was 15 or so. Growing up, I thought sex was a thing where married adults lay in bed together and a few months later, the woman was pregnant. I was a really slow kid. 

It didn’t help that I didn’t have a lot of friends and am an only child. Even with the changes that happened in my body from around the time I was 12, I didn’t think about sex. I was only interested in video games and reading. However, when I turned 15, my mum died and my dad sent me to a boarding school far from home. That’s when the horrors started. 

I’m sorry about your mum. What horrors? 

My boarding school was great in terms of amenities. However, the people were awful. It was a mixed boarding school, but senior boys would do all kinds of things to junior boys. Of course, none of it was consensual. It was about wielding power more than it was about sex. That was when I actually saw sex and was mortified by it. 

Did this in anyway affect your sex life then?

Yes. If I was a normal boy, I would have been making out and having sex with any and every girl, as most of my classmates were doing. But I wasn’t normal back then, and what I had seen —  boys molesting young boys — made me hate sex. So I stayed away from it for the most part. I was only there for two years. In my final year in secondary, however, I started seeing someone. 

What was that like? 

It was mostly a sexless relationship . She pretty much made me her boyfriend. It was good because we  had applied to the same university and planned to be together even then. We even planned to get married. She was waiting for marriage to have sex, that’s why we didn’t do anything. However, during the time period where we were waiting to hear back about our applications, I started visiting often and one time, we had sex.

How did that happen? 

We were just hanging out, and I had an erection, which she noticed. She knew I didn’t have any experience with sex, so she made the first move. She was my first kiss and pretty much everything else. 

What was the sex like?

I don’t even like to think or talk about it, and it’s not that it was bad. It was actually a great first sexual experience. It was just that when it was over, she regretted the decision and was quite repulsed that we did it. She started crying and sent me out of the house. It was devastating because that was the last I heard from her. I saw her a while back, and we talked about it. We’re cool now. 

So what happened next? 

That experience opened me up to sex, and I basically abandoned all the other things I enjoyed doing to immerse myself in the experience and pleasure of sex. Sex was on my mind 24/7. 

My dad, who was still mourning, didn’t have my time. So I was doing everything under his nose. Sneaking in girls, reading porn magazines, masturbating. I didn’t have to do much to hide it. That entire period of time was a mess. Sex was like food. 

How did you find the people you were sleeping with? 

Friends from school, family friends and neighbours. I had one consistent partner who was a family friend. She was a year older and would come over every morning to drop food that her mum sent down for us. 

Before she left, we’d have sex, or at the very least, make out. I wasn’t even practicing safe sex.  A few days before I got my admission letter, my uncle — my dad’s younger brother —  came over and kind of caught on that I was having sex. He’s a pastor, so he was livid, but he didn’t tell my dad about it. 

He gave me a very long talk about abstaining and not destroying my life. Everything entered from one ear and came out through the other. He stayed until I left for school and, even at that, I was still sneaking around to have sex. The day before I was to travel for school, he gave me some condoms and gave me money specifically for condoms. He emphasized the need to practice safe sex and told me not to get anyone pregnant.

Were you enjoying the sex you were having? 

Yes, but I was also really slow in learning how to please women. That one took years. When I think about it, I wonder why some of these girls stuck around when it wasn’t like I was giving them premium sex. 

What was uni like? 

Sex overload. I knew I had to be serious with my studies, so I read and studied during the week with the understanding that my weekends were dedicated to having sex. I had a crush on someone and she was hinting at a relationship, but I didn’t want to be in a relationship, especially after what happened with my first babe. So, I kept on having sex with anyone that would let me. 

Do you know how many people you had sex with during university? 

I wasn’t counting, but I remember that I used to feel good about myself because for the most part, I had two or three consistent partners, with one new person every other month. I felt safe. 

What happened after university? 

If I was an animal in university, I became a beast after university. I had money to spend on women because I had a good job. I believe I might have been addicted to sex because I really just wanted to have sex all the time. 

At work, I would be thinking about how I couldn’t wait to get home and have sex. 

Did this change at any point? 

Yes. I eventually started dating someone, and I had to put my desires in check. She was into sex, but not just to the same degree that I was. I really liked her, so I was willing to do anything. 

Full disclosure, she was my colleague at work, so we used to have sex in the office a lot, even though office dating was forbidden. It was through sex with her that I became better at pleasing women. 

Wow. Like how old were you?

In my mid-twenties. It was great sex too. She eventually broke up with me. You know all those stories you hear about people finding out their partners were getting married through Instagram or Twitter? My case was almost similar. She went for her introduction with another colleague, a more senior colleague. 

I found out a few days later at work when people were whispering about it. She had told me that she was going to visit her grandmother oh. I confronted her, and she said I never officially asked her to be my girlfriend, that all we had was sex. 

It pained me because I really liked her. But honestly, I actually didn’t ask her to be my girlfriend. Yes, we went on dates and had sex and I bought her things, but I had never called her my girlfriend or asked her to be my girlfriend. I really didn’t know that was how it worked. 

Wow.

I only lasted a few months in the office. This experience plunged me further into sex and another vice: alcohol. I was having sex everyday with everyone. I’m pretty shocked that I didn’t get a viral infection or something. 

I couldn’t get another job after I quit that job. For someone who’s always been smart and kind of successful, I couldn’t recognise this version of myself. This was nearly 10 years ago, nobody was talking about therapy. At least no one in my circle. My uncle took me to his church and they prayed for me. I don’t know that the prayers work, but the fact that it even had to happen was a wakeup call for me. 

After this, my uncle tried to counsel me but I didn’t listen. I was still having sex and drinking, although I knew this wasn’t normal. Anyway, I got a job with my uncle’s friend and it was around that period I decided to become celibate and get my life together. 

Why did you decide to go celibate? 

Well, something happened in the office. There was some accusation that someone had stolen money. I was the new guy and everyone was claiming this had never happened. So, while they didn’t say anything, I knew they were pointing fingers at me and would tell my uncle’s friend that I was the one. 

Omo, I went to my uncle crying that I can’t go to jail and all of that. Lol. At first, he was like, why would I take advantage of his help, then he went, “See what I have gotten myself into”. Basically, he was convinced I actually stole the money. A whole lot of money. 

I did everything I could to convince him, and he was like, “Am I now ready to become responsible?” Long story short: I got saved and decided to never have sex again. It was a pledge: God get me out of this wahala and I’ll never have sex again. 

Of course that’s not how it works, but that’s where my celibacy journey began. 

Before going back to sex, how was the money issue resolved?

It never was. It just died down and six months later, I was out of there. Got a better job. I sha believe it was God that saved me. Because everyone was convinced, based on how reckless I was, that it was me that stole the money. 

Okay, back to sex. How were you able to stay celibate? 

Well, I had to research on how to become celibate. At first, I couldn’t. There was this babe I was sleeping with and she really wasn’t taking no for an answer. She would come over and seduce me and we’d have sex. But once I reduced the number of times I was having sex and the number of people I was having sex with, it was easy to become celibate. 

How long were you celiabte for? 

Seven or eight years. 

Wow. Did you date anyone during this time? 

A whole lot. But some either couldn’t stand the celibacy or it just didn’t click. When I met my wife, I knew she was the one. 

How did you meet? 

Social media actually. Our first few dates were not physical or in secluded places because I didn’t even want the thought of sex to enter my head. It would have been easy to say, since we’re getting married, let’s just have sex. It was like that up until we got married. 

What’s married sex like? 

Before we got married, I told my wife everything about my sex life, just to make sure we were on the same page. A lot of people — especially religious folks —  have judged me for my sexual history. 

Anyway, with that in mind, I told her I didn’t want to rush into it and wanted to ease into it. She was okay with that. So when we started sex, it could be once or twice in an entire month. She’s into aphrodisiacs and loves sex a lot, so there was a lot of sexual compatibility to work through. 

But now, I think we are fully on the same page. It took years to get here sha. We understand each other’s bodies and enjoy sex quite regularly. Let’s say three times a week on a good week. And it’s not sarewagba sex — although we do that. We’re very intentional about our sexual experience. 

That’s great. How would you rate your sex life? 

Maybe 7. And my wife knows this. I think I need therapy to unpack some of the dark stuff I went through in my 20s. It’s just a feeling that the experiences I had may be limiting me from enjoying my full sex life. You know that feeling when you know you can be doing better? That’s where I am. 

What’s stopping you from getting therapy? 

Honestly, I don’t know. But when I’m ready, I’ll know. 

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who feels she’s been lucky to have good sex since she got married. She talks about how she went from having only clitoral orgasms to exploring sex positions and discovering other kinds of orgasms. 

When was your first sexual experience? 

When I was 18, I made out with a guy in my class. We were studying at night in school, then we went to the back of the building to “talk”. One thing led to another and we started  making out. It wasn’t planned at all. 

You had never done anything sexually before this? 

Never. I am a Christian and in my dad’s church, we were told sex is bad. They didn’t say that premarital sex was bad. They said sex was wrong generally.

My dad felt this way too and would actually flare up if he saw me talking to a guy. He was super protective, so I was very sheltered. It didn’t help that I didn’t grow up with my mum. I didn’t have anyone to ask any questions I had about sex. So I really didn’t have the chance to explore until university.

What was the experience like? 

I think it was a great first kiss. I felt things I had never felt before and really couldn’t wait to do more. 

What happened after making out?

In my head, I thought he had a crush on me because we made out and so, I became obsessed with him and couldn’t wait for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. That never happened though we made out six times after. I eventually found out he was talking to one of my friends and later that year, they had started dating. I was so heartbroken by the entire thing, I made up my mind to wait for marriage. I wasn’t going to kiss anyone until my wedding day. 

How did that work out? 

I failed in some ways. Throughout uni, I stopped making out. Although one day, a male friend came to my hostel and we pecked each other. I stopped it from going further because I hadn’t learned how to distance my emotions from sexual urges, so I told him no. 

After university, I started going to a church where I was taught that sex wasn’t wrong, premarital sex was the problem. So when I started dating my first boyfriend, I let go of my rule and started making out. Unfortunately, he wanted to have sex, and I was like no, I’m not having sex until I get married. The relationship didn’t last. 

Welp. What happened next? 

I dated someone else, and it was the same thing. He wanted sex. I wouldn’t have even had sex with him because the first time he pecked me, his mouth was stinking. I just said, nah, I can’t do this, so I broke up with him. 

I had this aunt who was divorced. She was always asking me about having a boyfriend and marriage. It was mostly banter, but the fact that she considered me adult enough to have a boyfriend when my dad felt I still shouldn’t be talking to boys made me feel like I could talk to her about anything including men and sex. 

How old were you? 

I think I had just turned 21. I asked her about sex, and she told me it’s a good thing and when I start having it, I’ll even get tired of it. 

She also said it was one of the things that caused her divorce. She didn’t go into details, but she kind of inferred that he felt more comfortable exploring his sexual desires with other women and not her. So basically, he was cheating on her and giving her substandard sex. 

She told me never to settle when it comes to sex, and that it was okay to be crazy in bed, as long as it was with my husband. She said that was what would keep my husband from cheating on me. I was like, okay. 

I found it interesting that though she felt my enjoyment was important, she still made it a thing about pleasing my husband. 

What happened after the conversation? 

I started reading about the female body online, just to prepare myself and come equipped when it was time. I also read a lot of articles about women who had had bad sex all their life and was a bit scared, but I was determined never to have bad sex. This was hard because I was still determined to wait till marriage before having sex. 

About a year later, I started dating someone new. I told him about waiting till marriage and he said that was his plan as well. I was a bit sceptical about that because I just felt he was going to cheat on me while we were waiting to get married. 

Did he? 

Not that I know and nothing ever indicated that. I actually need to learn trust. This, however, didn’t mean we didn’t talk about sex. We talked about it a lot, as much as we’d talk about money or our love for each other. 

So you never had sex or got tempted to? 

We eventually did before we got married. It wasn’t a mistake if I am being honest. We believed that since we were certain we would get married, we could do it anyway. We got a hotel and had sex. Was it lit? Yes it was. It was the most amazing experience in the world. I actually had an orgasm —  my first orgasm. 

I was so excited, that I didn’t pee after sex or think about pregnancy —  we didn’t use a condom. The next day, I was peeing frequently and went to get tested. I had a UTI. I was so scared and believed that this was God’s punishment for having sex. I also started thinking I was pregnant. Any small change in my diet or nausea, and I would start panicking. 

Did you talk to him about this? 

Yeah. We had a conversation about it, and as soon as I could, I got a pregnancy test and did STD tests. I was clean, thankfully. 

He sha said we had to talk to our pastor about it and just come clean. We did, even though I was really reluctant. 

Why did you have to tell your pastor? 

Accountability, so that it wouldn’t happen again. She was also our marriage counsellor and so it just made sense to tell her. I also needed to get rid of the mindset that God had punished me for having sex, when it was all in my head. Talking to her cleared that. 

Were you bothered about it happening again? 

We both were. We both enjoyed sex a lot. I personally couldn’t wait to have sex. I was willing to go to the registry that same month, just so we could get married and start having sex, so we definitely needed accountability, or else, we’d be having sex every other day. 

When did you eventually get married? 

After about two years together, we got married and finally could have all the sex we wanted. 

I was having really good sex when we first got married. I would orgasm once during sex and would be completely happy and satisfied that I was having good sex in marriage. 

Then one day, three years in, we travelled for our first ever vacation. We were having sex and I had multiple orgasms at once. I asked myself, ah, body, so you can do this? 

Haha. Was he doing something different? 

Yes. So at the start of our marriage, I was very specific about the kind of sex that made me come — missionary. It was the sex position that we used the very first time we had sex before marriage. I wasn’t open to experimenting or trying any irregular styles that would make me work hard. As long as we both could come from missionary and doggy, I was fine. 

However, during the trip, we tried cowgirl and that was when we had multiple orgasms. It was annoying to admit that the sex position was a factor because my husband had been trying to get us to try different positions for a long time and me I’m lazy, even though I want the best for my sex life. In fact, I think that I was just lucky to be coming alone from missionary. I think I also lowkey believed some of these other sex styles were sinful based on things I had heard growing up. I don’t think it was just my laziness.

Did you explore more? 

Yes, I opened up to exploring more. 

I didn’t know that I was capable of having anything other than clitoral orgasms, until I went and did more research. And soon, I was having vaginal orgasms and anal orgasms.

I started working out just so that I could become more active in bed. I read somewhere that it helps and so far, it has helped me become comfortable with other sex positions. My current favourite is reverse cowgirl. I can come seven times in a session and that’s my bad day

Lit. So how would you rate your sex life?

I’m tempted to say 15 over 10, but I wonder if it can actually get any better. Based on my experience, I’m inclined to believe that it will actually get better and I’m here for that. 

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 38-year-old bisexual woman who has been married for 12 years. In today’s Sex Life, she talks about how she thought something was wrong with her because she couldn’t orgasm, and how that eventually changed. 

When was your first sexual experience?

I was 12 and it was with my cousin. We stole a kiss when we were alone in a room at a family event and then got caught by an older cousin who made a fuss of it and threatened to report. She blackmailed me all the time about it. Not sure if she even blackmailed my other cousin. Anyway, she never reported, but that event scarred me. Even talking about it is a bit scary now.

What happened after?

Actually nothing very eventful happened. Maybe because I was scared to make out with anyone, I don’t know. I didn’t even try to kiss anyone — related to me or otherwise —  until university, and even that was uneventful. 

In university, I was around people who knew a lot about sex or rather had a lot to say about it to anyone who was listening: my roommates. I had not had sex and wasn’t planning to, but I was curious about the craze with sex. My curiosity went as far as listening to them talk about it, and typically, they would talk about what the male partner was doing, never really about the woman’s response or part in it. I didn’t think much of it then until I started having sex myself. 

When did you start having sex?

So my roommates thought I was naive since I didn’t partake in their conversations about sex and didn’t have any experience. One of my roommates was determined to change that and invited me to hangout with her boyfriend and his friend. I told her I wasn’t going to have sex with him, but I could talk to him and see if we were compatible. She said okay. When we got there, the guy flat out refused to have sex with me because he said I wasn’t his type. He was actually telling them in Yoruba because he thought I wouldn’t understand. I didn’t feel bad because it wasn’t like I had planned to have sex with him either. We hung out together for a few hours, after which the guy said he wanted to leave. When he left, I told my roommate we had better get going to the campus. She said that she couldn’t leave without having sex with her boyfriend. She didn’t even ask me to excuse them and neither did he. So I just sat in the corner watching them until her boyfriend asked me to join them. I was like what? My roommate also gestured for me to join them. I tried to say no, but I really wanted to, so I joined them and that was the first time I had sex. 

Wow. 

Yes. Who would have thought the first time I had sex would be a threesome? Certainly not me. 

What was the experience like? 

It was really good. I didn’t orgasm, but it was good. I was freaked out by the entire experience, but in a good way. It was also the moment I started suspecting I was into women as much as I was into men, because I really enjoyed making out with my roommate as much as I did her boyfriend. I had never felt anything like that before. I had a crush on her the entire year afterwards but couldn’t tell her because I didn’t know what to do with the emotions. I only got over it after I moved out.

Did you have  more sex in the time? 

Nah. I didn’t even try. It actually felt like except someone dragged me to have sex, I won’t make the first move. Maybe I was just lazy sha. It was when I finally got out of university and started dating that sex became a steady feature of my life. But half the time, I was asking myself, what’s the point of this sex we’re having? 

Why were you asking that? 

I just couldn’t orgasm when having sex. I initially thought it was about the person I was with, and that it would get better if I slept with someone else. It didn’t. I cheated on that boyfriend with someone else who eventually became my husband. I was way more attracted to him than I was to my boyfriend at the time, so I just expected it to be better. While the sex in itself wasn’t bad, I didn’t have orgasms. 

At this point, I told myself that I was the problem and gave up trying. By the time I broke up with that boyfriend and started dating my husband, I was happy to have sex because I enjoy the act of giving during the sex, but that was all for me. 

Did your boyfriend know about your difficulties during orgasm? 

Actually, not while we were dating because like I said, I thought something was wrong with me. He’d try his best to please me sexually, and I would pretend to come when I wasn’t. And he’d be so pleased with himself after. I couldn’t bring myself to break it to him. No one really understands that you can enjoy the sex without orgasming — even though the orgasm is a big part of the enjoyment. 

Right, so when did you eventually tell him? 

Welp. A few years into our marriage. I think we were having a conversation and gutting our hearts about secrets and feelings we hadn’t ever told each other. They were not serious secrets, like say him admitting that he often farted anywhere and in public spaces. The big secret was the no orgasm confession, and my husband took it seriously. He wanted to improve my experience of sex. He tried literally everything and suggested I take up masturbation, which I had never done. I used to think it was a dirty, disgusting thing only men did. I took up masturbation and that worked out very well. I got my first orgasm on my first try, within moments. It was explosive, like I had been holding back years of orgasm in. Omo after this, my husband became twice as determined. 

What did he do? 

He bought me more sex toys — at some point, it felt like for any event I was celebrating, he was going to get me a brand new sex toy. We became more open about sex than we ever had been. I thought I was a good giver during sex, but it turned out that there were things he didn’t like me doing and never said anything about. Then we started to experiment. I told him about my threesome experience years ago, and we decided to invite someone we trusted to have a threesome with us. I won’t lie that I wasn’t scared that my husband would fall in love with her and leave me. My husband too was scared that I’d leave him for her. Luckily, we had gotten to the point where we could share our insecurities with each other. The threesome was amazing because this woman made me orgasm. 

What did your husband think?

My husband was just like, at this point, na me dey do nonsense. I don’t even know what he did differently, but soon, it became easy for me to orgasm. I think he unlocked my g-spots and soon, I realised that I was a squirter. It’s like I started discovering my body in my 30s. 

Sweet. So what’s your Sex Life like these days? 

We’re not experimenting as much, but it’s still really good. We try to do something new regularly, and some of them fail woefully while some don’t. I’m actually glad we are way past trying to make me orgasm. It was an intense period. But I’m glad the period opened us up and showed us how compatible we truly are. It’s not like I orgasm every time I have sex oh, but at least, I do orgasm at least 70% of the time. I’m glad I have a husband that prioritises my sex experience. 

How would you rate your Sex Life?

10/10 of course. Even when I wasn’t orgasming, it wasn’t like I was having bad sex.

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old heterosexual woman who entered a celibacy pact with her partner before marriage. She didn’t keep her end of the pact and often cheated on him. Now that she’s married and finally having sex, she feels sorry that she cheated.

What was your first sexual experience? 

I didn’t start having penetrative sex until I was 27. I was having other kinds of sex before this and I was satisfied with that. 

What kinds of sex?

Oral sex mostly. I wanted to save myself for marriage, but because body no be firewood, I allowed myself to do other things. 

And that was enough?

Mostly. I wasn’t really having orgasms except for when I helped myself and I liked helping myself, so really, I was happy. 

So what made you decide to have sex eventually?

Small mistake. I had just started dating my now husband, and we had decided that we would remain celibate until marriage. 

Wait, was this your first relationship? 

It was my first serious relationship. Everything else before it was child’s play. We decided we would both remain celibate until marriage. It was mostly based on our religious beliefs, but I don’t remember who brought up the idea, only that I didn’t think it was  big deal. I’d gone my entire life without sex, so what was a few more months of no sex? We had agreed that we would be married within a year, although that didn’t happen. 

What about oral sex? 

That was off the table too. He was like, we’d also have to not make out, and I was like sorry, what? But because I was in love, I assumed it wouldn’t be very hard. We were then very religious —  him more than me.

And that’s how the mistake started. I was talking to a few friends about this promise we made to each other and they made it sound outlandish. They said it sounded like a pact or a covenant. They asked me what would happen if I didn’t eventually marry him. I ignored them because I was so sure we’d get married in a few months. It wasn’t like I was in a rush to have sex, but when I initially told my friends I finally had a boyfriend, they were excited that I was going to stop being celibate. 

A few days after, I was hanging out with this other male friend. One thing led to another and we started making out. My subconscious was probably still thinking of the comments my friends made because I don’t know why I impulsively told him we should have sex. 

Oh wow.

He didn’t want to because he knew my boyfriend and they were becoming friends, so we decided to leave the house  instead. He even sent an email the next day apologising to me for the make out sesh. Something that I was still thinking about and had even masturbated to.

Haha. What happened after this? 

We were hanging out again, this time with other friends — we really didn’t want to be alone together because there was some sexual tension. For context, we had actually had a fuck-buddy type relationship in university, but this was just making out and nothing serious. 

However, on this particular day, it started to rain and we all decided to sleepover. I wasn’t even thinking about sex. But somehow, somehow, we ended up having sex in the bathroom that night. Three rounds, from the bathtub, to sink, to toilet seat.

Worst part is after it happened, we didn’t even talk about it.

How was the sex? 

It was really good. I really enjoyed it. 

So why didn’t you talk about it? 

Maybe guilt. And to pretend like it didn’t really happen. However, we kept getting into situations where we were alone together and we just settled into the routine of having sex with each other without really talking about the implications. Even when he started dating someone and I was properly engaged to my partner. 

You didn’t feel guilty? 

There were times I genuinely felt really bad and was on the brink of confessing, but I used to ask myself, how was I sure that he wasn’t doing anything with anyone? Abi? I mean, I loved him —  still love him and was happy with him, honestly, but I can’t describe how having sex with my friend made me feel. Maybe liberated? I don’t know.  

Did you eventually stop? 

Yeah. My friend moved, but even before then, he had broken up with his babe, was seeing someone else and was hinting that this new girl was the real deal. It made me feel bad because me nko, am I not still sleeping with you as I’m with my real deal. His leaving was just the easiest way for us to eventually stop. I sha gave him goodbye sex and it was really good. I mean we’d been fuck buddies for two years, it was emotional. 

What about your relationship with your partner?

It was still good. We eventually scrapped our no oral sex rule while we were engaged. It wasn’t bad, but I didn’t feel enthused. Maybe it was because I had already been having sex and was having oral sex without having sex. I never wanted to be the demon and ask for the oral sex to go further, so I said nothing. Sha we got married and started having sex.

How was it? 

It was ten times better than sex with my friend. First of all, I told my husband, I can’t believe you made me wait all these years for this. I joked around and said, I hope you were not practicing with someone else, and he joked back and said, if I was practicing with someone else, doesn’t this make it worth it? That was how my suspicion about him sleeping around while we were still dating and engaged grew. But I didn’t have the moral right to investigate or feel bad because I knew what I had done. So I just took the sex that he gave me and enjoyed it. 

What’s your favourite part about married sex?

For me, my favourite part isn’t even the sex, it’s the new levels of surpise that I’m open to all the time. One minute, we’re vanilla, the next we’re trying BDSM. It’s like I thought I was dating a gentle, reserved, religious person, but I’m now married to someone who flips that entire script around. He’s very passionate in bed and is open to exploring different things. I feel like I didn’t entirely know him before marriage. Married sex is also really comfortable if I’m being honest. 

How do you feel about this, based on the fact that you had an affair? 

I have mixed feelings. Sometimes I feel maybe I needed to have sex with my friend in order to properly value what I have now. Not that I’m justifying what I did. But again, I often regret it because my husband is perfect and he deserved my respect — having an affair wasn’t respecting him.

Do you feel you’ll ever tell him? 

I’m really not one of those people who believe that you need to tell your partner everything or that the truth is some kind of holy grail. Why spoil something good by telling him the truth? Sometimes keep the skeletons in your closet locked and bury the keys. Talking about it now is my own final recollection of it.

So how would you rate your sex life?

A solid 10 man. Nothing less.

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 32-year-old heterosexual woman who realised she only enjoys sex with people she’s not supposed to sleep with — what she calls “forbidden sex”.  

When did you start having sex?

After university. But I’d done other kinds of sexual stuff before then. Everything minus penetrative sex. 

Is there a reason you waited until after university?

Saving myself for marriage and all that. 

So, what did you think about sex the first time you had it?

It was just there. I didn’t feel like I had been missing out on anything. It probably didn’t help that it just felt like something I wanted to tick off my list. It wasn’t even with someone I was emotionally or sexually attracted to. 

Why did you want to tick it off your list though?

I was about to turn 25. I expected that I’d be married by then or at least in a stable relationship, but I wasn’t. So, I had a bunch of things I decided to do before 25. Sex was on the list. 

When did you eventually have good sex?

I actually had really good birthday sex a few months after my first time. It wasn’t great, but I thought, ‘Hmm, okay. I can see why people like sex so much’.

It helped that I had always had a crush on the guy. The downside was he was a friend’s ex and still had feelings for my friend. It got messy and I almost lost that friend.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to have sex with anyone that wasn’t a boyfriend or partner ever. Specifically, I told myself to never have sex with people I knew. That was my rule. 

Was it hard seeing that rule through?

At first, no. I wasn’t having sex steadily, but when I did it was really bad. I was actually attracted to the guy and we were on our way to starting a relationship, but the sex sucked.

I honestly just believed I had a problem. Then one night I was working late, I began flirting with a colleague, and we had sex multiple times in his office and in the open workspace. It was the bomb. Scary but also the bomb.

I should mention that no kind of romantic or sexual relationship was permitted between the staff in our office. I never believed I’d break that rule, seeing as I was one of the people who fought to have it in place.

LMAO. Wow.

A few weeks later, I discovered the guy was engaged. At first, I was furious with him and accosted him for not telling me, but that led to very hot argument sex. My orgasm was more explosive than before.

I squirted on the office rug. I didn’t even know my body was capable of that. 

Wild. Did you continue seeing him?

No. He broke it off a week to his wedding, saying he really wanted to be committed. That made me want to chase him more. I didn’t though. My pride would never allow me. 

Was it at this point the rule became a problem?

Not yet because I didn’t even see the pattern. Then I had great sex with another friend’s ex, and I realised the danger was the appeal. I saw that it’s the thing they said I shouldn’t touch that always got me excited.

That was when my rule became a problem. If I’m being honest, it didn’t even become a problem. I just threw it away and began a steady sexual relationship with the friend’s ex.

I told myself I technically wasn’t doing anything wrong because they weren’t dating.

So, you told her?

After months of an internal battle, I did and she didn’t even care. That’s supposed to be good news, but my attraction for the guy just went down. Perhaps it was the way she made it seem like he was her left-over. I don’t know. I sha broke things off with him. 

But you knew it was a thing. 

Not even just with the people I sleep with or where I sleep with them, but also the kind of porn I watch. My preferences are typically stepbrother and stepsister or stepmother and stepson or lecturer and student.

After I turned 27, I realised I was ready to settle down. So when I started dating, I decided to explore roleplay. I told my man that it was my only fetish. He was very open to trying it with me.

We create all these circumstances we think are typically forbidden, complete with scripts oh. We even get the required outfits and go to places where we can act it out properly.

For real?

Yup. For example, when we want to play sugar daddy and sugar baby, we start on a campus and end up in a hotel. I’m sure people will think we’re weird, but there’s nothing like finding a partner that matches your energy.  

Fair point. And there’s no BDSM involved?

None of that, please, dear. 

What’s your favourite roleplay scenario?

Married church minister committing adultery in the church office. Keep me anon. 

LMAO. What’s your sex life these days?

I have a new craving and it’s to fuck handymen, like a carpenter or a mechanic. I don’t know if it’s the porn talking, but I just feel like sex with these type of men would be super lit.  

Right. But you’re still dating?

Engaged actually. 

Does your partner know about your craving?

Oh, yes, he does. He thinks I’m crazy. Haha. Maybe we’ll open the relationship, I don’t know, but I’m happy with where we are. 

So how would you rate your sex life?

10/10 shikena. 

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who has had an active sex life. These days though,he’s tired of having sex with his girlfriend of six years and although he has several theories, he isn’t sure why. 

When did you start having sex? 

When I was in university. I don’t remember much about the first time, but I remember that I’d lied to my guys that I had had sex in secondary school when I’d never even gotten head. They were planning some kind of sex party and I had serious anxiety — I’ve always had anxiety around women — so I drank a lot before and during the party. I don’t know what I did or who I did it with, but my friends were hailing me the next day. I was so embarrassed and scared? I didn’t drink again for a year.

Did you continue having sex though?

Not yet. The experience made me realise that women or girls are not scary, monstrous people and I can actually approach them. So I became a serial make-out guy.

What does that mean?

It means I was hooking up with women to make out with them. Sometimes oral sex, but not all the time.

Okay. How did that go?

Went well enough, until one babe told me I was a horrible kisser. That crushed my self-esteem. Me that girls were lining up to kiss? Is she mad? 

Did you stop there?

Nope. But that’s how I met my current girlfriend. She was my classmate in university, but we didn’t start talking until we got posted to the same NYSC camp. I never used to talk to her because I thought she was like all those fellowship sisters — I’d met a couple of them and really didn’t want to have anything to do with them, even though I was celibate. It was good to have the option to have sex when I wanted to. We got talking and that’s when I realised, ‘Werey dey disguise’.

Haha. 

How does Mr Marcaroni say it? “freaky freaky” — that’s the perfect description for her and perhaps what eventually drew me to her. That’s how I learned not to judge a book by its cover. We both served somewhere in the north and on our parade ground, there was a lot of bush. One evening after drama rehearsals, when it was really dark, she gave me sloppy head. She was willing to have sex there, but I told her, “Aunty, wait.” I didn’t want to get caught. We were always doing something every day after that day. 

Did you eventually have sex in camp?  

Yes. She was supposed to leave camp before everyone else for something and so, the day before, she asked me to give her a parting gift. I bought her lunch from ‘Mammy Market’ and she just laughed in my face and said she would get her gift later that evening. We had sex in her room, she was loud and didn’t care. I kept thinking, ‘Ah! This girl likes danger’. I was actually glad when she left because it felt like fresh air. I was no longer afraid of getting ‘caught’. When you’re constantly doing dangerous things, even when you’re doing ordinary things, you’ll feel like you’re being watched. Unfortunately, I soon realised I missed her.

You had caught feelings? 

Yes, I had. Mistake because she redeployed. I didn’t see her for about a year.

Did you see anyone in the meantime?

Actually no. But I paid for sex twice. First time was with my neighbour who used to cook and bring me food sometimes. It was a holiday, I can’t remember which, and I couldn’t afford to travel home, so I told her to make something for us, which I contributed to. When she was done, and brought my share, she said she wasn’t going to give me if I didn’t have sex with her. And I was just like, on top food that I contributed to? I actually did have sex with her and it was okay really. Nothing as explosive as when I had sex in camp. I think it must have been the Christmas period, because it’s Christmas that makes lonely people do crazy things like that. Anyway, that felt like paying for sex? Or paying for food with sex. 

And what about the second time?

That one was a sex worker. I’m actually not proud of the experience because it was just bland. I could have stayed at home and eaten eba and experienced the same thing. 

LMAO. Wow. What did you do after NYSC finished?

Went to find my NYSC love oh.

Did you find her?

Yes. I did. She was dating someone at first, but that didn’t stop her from sleeping with me. Haha. They broke up shortly after and we started dating. And we’ve been dating since then.

What’s the sex like?

The sex is great. Being in a relationship has made me ask a lot of questions about myself and about life. I don’t think I’m nearly as interested in sex as the average guy my age. It’s a concern for me because my girlfriend is hellbent on having sex as often as possible. She is really invested in sex and how to improve our sex lives, and I don’t match up. It’s a concern for me because we’re talking about marriage and I don’t want it to feel like I’m boxing her up.

How often do you have sex?

In the beginning it was almost every weekend — which was when we got to see each other. Then we moved in together and it became almost every day after work. Let’s say about four times a week — which was healthy for me. There was a period of time we were both jobless at the same time and it was almost twice a day. I was like, ‘Madam, please, take it easy. You wan kill person?’ But even then, I kind of enjoyed the thrill. I enjoyed the roleplaying especially.  

Haha. What’s it like now?

We’ve actually fought about it because I’m tired. I’ve told her I want to be celibate. The real reason is I’m just tired of sex. I know for sure that I’m tired of having sex with her, but I don’t know if I’m tired of sex generally — since I’m only having sex with her and I don’t masturbate.  

A few months ago, during the lockdown, we almost entered the everyday sex phase. Then I fell sick and it was a great excuse to stop. Now that we’re better and the world has opened up, madam wants it, but I don’t have that strength physically and emotionally and I’m just not interested. 

Are you still attracted to her? 

Absolutely. I love her very much. I guess, I really just want to take a break from sex for now.

Sounds fair.

Thing is I’ve been feeling this way for a while — even before the lockdown — and it hasn’t abated. 

What does she think about your desire to become celibate?

She actually thinks I’m tired of sex with her, or that I want to cheat on her. And it hurts me to see her go through such mental gymnastics, so I’m willing to continue, or at least compromise. I need to do what’s best for me in this situation, sha, because it’s been affecting me at work. 

How?

Sometimes, I’m anxious to return home because I’m anxious that we’ll spend a chunk of time having sex. And after spending hours having sex in the night, I’m drowsy at work the next day. I’m pretty sure that I’ll come out of the experience better and ready to have more paced sex. But what if I don’t? 

And you’re sure you’re not asexual? 

Pretty sure.

So how would you rate your sex life?

The sex we have is great, so 10/10. But the sex life itself isn’t great, so 3/10. I can’t exactly explain it, as you can tell.