Odunayo, Author at Zikoko!

Originally published four years ago in November 2015, The Complete Guide To Being A Yoruba Demon is a Zikoko classic that we’ve brought back due to popular demand.

Lagos big boy =/= Yoruba** Demon; But they do share some similarities. And contrary to popular opinion, anyone can be a Yoruba Demon.

**Yoruba: (adj) Yoruba, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Yoruba’ describes a heartless, cheating, lying person. Usually male.

1. The White Trad.
If you don’t have a white trad – Agbada, Buba and Sokoto – starched with tears and broken hearts, you’re honestly not ready to undertake this journey.

2. The Black Trad.
Wear it. Look devastatingly hot in it. This is for the elite club of lucifer’s henchmen. The Black Trad is for the higher ranking Yoruba Demons.

3. A main phone…usually an iPhone.
Always the latest iPhone. I’ll explain the reason in coming numbers.

4. A supporting phone…Usually a Samsung Galaxy Mobile.
Also always the latest model. I swear there’s a reason why.

5. Dark shades.
Aviators or Ray Bans. These are to protect your eye movements. You can be talking to one girl and ~~impregnating~~ scoping like 4 others.

6. A Plush Ride…Toyota Camry and Above.
Now, Lagos Big Boys can just show off their car keys. That’s not enough for a Yoruba Demon. You have to have the actual car. Girls have to see you in that car. How else will you convince them that you can take care of them?

7. A main chic…an actual main girlfriend.
The girl you show to the world. This is the person whose number you store on the iPhone. The one you love and plan to marry. Almost always an Igbo* girl. She can match you heartlessness for heartlessness.

*Igbo: (adj) Igbo, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Igbo’ describes a heartless – sometimes cheating – person. Usually female.

8. Like 23 Side Chics.
You populate the Samsung Galaxy contact list with these ones. They’re the ones you spend all your money on. But you never, EVER get photographed with them. That never ends well.

9. A sincere smile.
This is how you melt all girls’ hearts. When you smile, panties should drop, hearts should open, intestines should sing!

10. A lying tongue.
You cannot let them suspect you. You have to be a smooth operator. Lie circles around them. It’s your legacy.

11. A gaping hole where your heart should be.
See, this is the only way you can justify what comes next. You didn’t honestly think you could do this and remain human did you?

12. Roaming eyes.
Your eyes are constantly scouting for the next target. It’s a hard knock life, really.

13. A Cheating Spirit.
When you have no heart, a cheating spirit settles into where your heart should be. And you take your final place as a Yoruba Demon.

14. A string of broken hearts in your wake.
Break them! All of them. 10 broken hearts is nothing to a true Yoruba demon. Break them and walk way like a superstar!

15. A long line of willing hearts in your future.
As a Yoruba Demon, your work is never done. So you keep moving forward. Break more hearts and don’t look back.

You’re welcome.

Last, last sha, it’s you guys we will still marry.
1. When you get a mail about clearance sales from one of these online stores.

Everything is 40% off. Jesus!
2. When ASOS sends you a mail in this high exchange rate period.

Get away from me, Satan!
3. When you finally open the site and you still cannot afford the items.

Don’t you dare send me any more emails.
4. When you’re knee-deep in window shopping and your browser tab starts looking like this:

*tears*
5. When you realize that there isn’t really money to buy anything.

Help me, Lord.
6. You, lying to yourself that you really need the product and it’s a good deal.

It’s a good deal. I can’t get it anywhere else. I’m so lucky.
7. When you finally decide to spend your next month’s salary and order something.

It’s just money.
8. When you want to check out and you see the delivery price.

No free delivery?
9. After all the high prices, then you notice there’s no Pay on Delivery option.

I’m not doing again.
10. When they say your item will be delivered in 5 – 7 days but it’s been 8 days.

Thank God it’s Pay on Delivery.
11. What you ordered online vs. what gets delivered.

What is this?!
12. When your item is delivered and it’s in the wrong size.

JESUS!
13. Online shopping sites, when you try to return a damaged item.

It’s mission impossible.
1. When you can feel that the time is around the corner.

Do I have to go through this?!
2. When you’re emotional for no reason and everything around you makes you want to cry. Or laugh. Or roll around.

I don’t even know again.
3. When someone points out that you’re emotional for no reason.

Is this one mad?
4. When you want to attempt movement even though you’re in pain.

I can’t.
5. When you sneeze while on your period.

Gosh!
6. When someone dares to breathe around you.

HOW DARE YOU?!
7. You when someone touches your food/ hair/ anything without asking.

Kuku kill me oh!
8. When everyone talking around you sounds like they’re shouting.

Shut up now?!
9. When you finally find pain killers.

I love you!
10. You, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

Na wa oh, is it not just to dissolve?
11. When you have taken the maximum painkiller dosage for the day but the pain just won’t go away.

Should I take more?
12. When you’re nursing your pain and someone invites you to go out.

NO!
13. When your pain starts on Sunday but you have to suck it up and go to work on Monday.

It’s hard outchea!
14. When your colleagues try to interact with you in your state.

Not today, Satan!
15. When bae asks “How are you feeling?”

You can’t understand me. You don’t know my pain. You don’t know my struggle! Co-written by Zikoko Contributor, Obeyaa Atta
1. When you first get admission into university.

Watch out for me.
2. But your WAEC results are not out yet, so you have to go without them.

We dey wait.
3. When people who already have their results are talking.

I don’t blame you.
4. When all the lecturers keep saying how your name isn’t written in biro because you’ve not matriculated.

But you don’t even have result yet.
5. When you hear that result is out.

Jeso Kreste!
6. When you see people starting to pack their stuff to leave the school.

HAY GOD!
7. When you’ve not even seen your own result but someone is complaining about getting a credit.

Will you shut up!
8. You, about to check your result.

God please…
9. When one of your compulsory courses is outstanding.

Why me?!
10. When someone asks “What did you get in Maths?”

What’s ya business?
11. When you hear that you can combine results.

Thank you, Lord!
12. When you fail one subject in WAEC but now you’re hoping to pass it in NECO.

I shall not be sent home.
13. When you see all the non-awaiting result students just enjoying themselves.

Congrats.
14. When your lecturer starts suggesting ‘change of course’.

Not today, Satan.
15. When your results are finally complete and you can matriculate.

Finally!
1. When you first get your phone and your autocorrect is not even correcting you.

WYD???
2. After a while, autocorrect starts acting like it knows more than you.

Stay in your lane please.
3. When autocorrect starts correcting and replacing your name in your own phone.

Time to deactivate you.
4. When you’re angry and want to swear but it won’t even let you.

Did I buy you or did you buy me?!
5. When you’re typing nonsense thinking autocorrect has your back and it leaves your nonsense for you like that.

What a betrayed!
6. When you’re typing in your native language and it’s still trying to mind your business for you.

Mo ti gbo –> Month to go. Be careful please!
7. When autocorrect changes ‘food’ to ‘good’ in your worst moments of hunger.

How dare you?!
8. When you’ve typed and retyped a word six times because your autocorrect won’t let you move forward.

I’m not doing again.
9. When you type an insult to someone and send it but you can blame it on autocorrect.

Wasn’t me.
10. When autocorrect changes ‘OMW’ to ‘On my way!’, even though you’ve still not left your house.

Why so excited?!
11. When autocorrect starts suggesting words to complete your sentence.

You don’t know me.
12. When you’re helping your parents type messages on their ‘unsmart’ phones and you’re missing autocorrect.

I’m sorry. Come back please.
13. When it tries to correct your slang.

Better behave.
This post was inspired by everyone who contributed to this trend.
1. When you had to go to the beach, but it wasn’t for fun.

I’m not crying.
2. When being a child didn’t stop you from being a soldier of Christ.

Never too early, bruh!
3. When it looked like attending church was all you ever did.

Sigh!
4. When you hear the song, “Jesu ja” and you lose all home training.

Give me space to dance plis!
5. When a Woli is beating you and your siblings and your mom just unlooks.

<_< >_>
6. When you already bought your ticket to travel but a new prophecy says you can’t.

Jeso Kreste! Who will refund this money?!
7. When the person delivering messages starts walking towards you.

*replays entire life in 5 seconds*
8. When they mention your name during Visions and Dreams.

Me?
9. When C&S people come to the Celestial Church for harvest and it’s time to clap.

Lord!
10. When you invite your friend to church & 3 prophets prophesy about him that day.

Lmao, what?!
11. When you bow at the wrong time during the 7 Hallejuahs, Hosannahs, and Ebenezers.

Please don’t judge me.
12. How people from other churches look when you tell them about your church.

Ah pele oh!
13. ‘When you hear “Jerri ri mo ya ma”, and you’re happy because service is almost over.

Thank God!
14. When the Olusho is preaching and one of the choristers hits the keyboard, and you’re in the choir.

Wasn’t me!
15. When the Woli says someone is going on Ori-Oke for 7 days.

I don’t want it.
16. When you hear “the time has now come for 7 elders prayer…”.

This is where Monday will meet us.
17. When people are starting to go into trances and you’re just wishing your mum isn’t one of them.

Please now!
18. When you turn to the wrong corner of the earth during Halleluyah.

Sorry neoww! So many bad eyes.
1. When you hear Ramadan, and you’re already thinking of the 2-day public holiday at the end of it.

God bless you guys!
2. And all the food that you’ll be going around eating.

Imma need these days to move fast.
3. When they finally announce the public holidays and it’s not a long weekend.

What’s all these?
4. How you greet all your Muslim acquaintances.

Where that meat at?
5. When you dress up on Eid day and people start asking if you’re a Muslim too.

No, I’m just going to eat.
6. When you see your Muslim friends receiving Sallah money from their relatives.

Y’all get Sallah money? Why don’t Christians give Easter money though?
7. When you’re keeping an eye on your neighbor’s house to know when they start serving the meat, so you’ll ‘unintentionally’ walk past.

Don’t mind me. Just running an errand.
8. When you hear some people saying this is not the ram holiday.

Are you kidding me? Are we here to joke?
9. You, yesterday, when the government added one more day to the public holidays.

Yass!!!
10. When you secretly wish that they won’t still sight the moon so that Friday can be a public holiday too.

The moon should lost please.
11. But now you’re confused about which day to go about eating.

Is it today or tomorrow?
12. When your boss calls to ask if you can manage to come to work on Thursday.

NO!
13. When you finally get the reward you’ve been waiting for.

Happy Eid!!!
1. You have to come out of the womb knowing how to wash dishes and sweep the house.

Why else do you think you were born?
2. You have to be very talented but you cannot become a musician.

Use your talents to entertain us around the house.
3. If you are having academic issues, keep it to yourself.

All your parents want to see are those As.
4. As a Nigerian child, your career options are limited to Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer…maybe Accountant.

In that order. The lower you go, the more disappointing you are.
5. You’re a child, so everything that goes wrong in the house is your fault.

…even when it isn’t, just accept the beating.
6. As a Nigerian child you need to be self sufficient from babyhood.

Wake yourself up, dress yourself up and drive yourself to school.
7. You should have no social life, but you must get married at the appointed time.

No one cares how you do it, just make it happen.
8. Remember to never ask questions, challenge your parents or disagree.

You’re a child, you have no opinions.
9. Don’t try to have a conversation with your parents. You should be seen not heard.

Okay?
10. Anticipate your parents’ needs, so that you can fulfill it before they even ask.

That’s a good boy!
11. You should have all the available meanings of ‘kini’ at your fingertips so that when your mom says “Bring my Kini”, you’re there.

This is it!
12. If your mother ever has to make her own meals or wash a dish, you have failed as a child.

Just so you know.
1. When you haven’t even finished your graduation ceremony but your mother is already looking at you somehow.

I literally just finished!
2. How Nigerians see you when your above 24 and female…and unmarried.

Hian!
3. When one person actually asks why you’re not married yet.

Nigeria.
4. Everyday you log on to Facebook and someone from your secondary school is getting married.

Is it everyday?!
5. When your married friends start telling you “God will do your own”.

Did I ask you?
6. When someone is getting married and their aso ebi is 100k.

Will the souvenir be gold?
7. When someone tries to involve you in their elaborate proposal plans.

I no dey do!
8. When someone tries to insult you with “Go and Marry”.

Try again.
9. When your relatives start talking to your mother about your “condition”.

You will not mind your business now.
10. When you hear that people go to weddings to find marriage prospects.

Ehen?!
11. But you’re just always there for the food.

Plis don’t skip my table.
12. How people imagine you feel because you’re single.

Is that so?!
13. How you actually feel.

Does my crown bother you?
14. When everyone around you starts trying to set you up.

No! No!
15. When your parents ask what are your marriage plans.

I don’t understand the question.
1. When you finally see your name on that graduation list.

Amen!!!
2. You, thinking about how you’ll make Nigeria a better place.

All of us went through this.
3. The look of determination on your face, when you still think your 5 year plan will actually take 5 years.

Haha. HAHA!
4. And you’ve told yourself that the least salary you can take is N120,000

I know my value.
5. When your uncle tells you not to worry, that he has a job for you.

This struggle life is not for me.
6. When people talk about how hard life after school is.

Not my portion.
But allovasudden…

7. Your parents stop your pocket money and you have to survive on NYSC’s 19,800.

What is happening?
8. When you find something to make you happy as a young Nigerian. Life:

It’s a constant struggle.
9. When you have the results, but not the connections.

Epp me.
10. When you apply for a job and you’re finally called for an interview.

I’ve been through a lot!
11. And that minimum of N120,000 salary becomes:

Just let me work.
12. Your uncle that promised you a job:

But I thought…
13. When your parents ask you “So what are your plans now?”.

Are you not seeing what Nigeria is doing to me?
14. You wishing you studied Medicine or did a 5 year course so you could’ve stayed in school a bit longer.

This life!
15. When someone asks you about life after school.

Ehn.
16. When you see someone that has an extra year and is still in school.

You are doing the right thing bruh!
17. When your sibling is about to graduate from University too.

NOOOO! DON’T DO IT!!!!
1. When you tell someone you love Nigerian movies and they disapprove.

Sorry oh, I didn’t know your were foreign.
2. When someone criticizes Nigerian movies.

What do you know?
3. You and iRokoTV.

My love.
4. When people are eager to see Game of Thrones but you just want to see what all the AfMags have to offer.

To each their own biko.
5. When you see a ghost making a phone call in a Nigerian movie.

I wouldn’t expect it to be any other way.
6. When someone likes the movie you recommended to them.

You don’t even know!
7. When a Nigerian movie is showing at the cinema.

Take all my money!
8. When the person you love doesn’t share your love of Nollywood.

Who are you?!
9. Waiting for work to be over so that you can get home to African Magic.

I kent wait.
10. hen those you live with want to watch any other channel other than AfMag.

I don’t deserve this.
11. You and your mum to the rest of the family:

I got it from my Mama!
1. When Physics first starts and it was all easy and smooth.

Bahddest!
2. When the results of the first test come out and you’re one of the top scorers.

This science stuff is easy!
3. When the stupid subject suddenly starts getting difficult.

I wasn’t ready!
4. When the teacher actually expects you to make things work during practical.

Am I Einstein?
5. When the teacher calls you out for getting a low score on the test.

What did you expect?!
6. When you’re in SS2 second term and your teacher says your exam scope is from SS1 first term.

Waittt!
7. When someone in Arts class is complaining about a subject.

How dare you?!
8. When your classmate organizes tutorials, but you still don’t understand so he’s just wasting his time.

Thanks for all your efforts.
9. When you teacher starts a calculation and expects you to finish it.

You, do you know it?
10. When you’re getting ready for WAEC but you have to pass Mock exams first.

You mean I have to read twice?
11. When you see Physics is the first subject on the exam timetable.

I’m not ready.
12. How you answer Physics questions.

Don’t ask me.
13. When you see the examination questions, and all you want to do is beg for help.

Ejoor.
14. When all the efikos start submitting their paper but you’re still on number one.

Wait small neowww!
15. When voltage and current mean exactly the same thing to you.

Plis plis.
16. When you enter university to study Microbiology but you still cannot escape Physics.

Let me go nau!
1. When you slide into the DMs of a girl you really like.

Hellurrrr!
2. When someone starts using not-so-coded tweets to say they like you… but you’ve only been on one date.

I’m sorry I don’t know how to read.
3. How she messages you when you are still in the dating phase.

“Before somebody will come and break my head.”
4. When you’re asking one girl out but there’s another girl uploading a pictures of you and her.

Because you can eat gala while beans is on fire.
5. When you guys finally claim each other on social media.

So cute.
6. Two minutes after you claim your girlfriend on social media and she gets a message saying “I come to you as a fellow woman…”

Wait small now.
7. How girls enter your DMs now that they know you are taken.

One after the other please. No need to rush.
8. When people want to start tweeting at your new bae to spill details of your past relationships.

Ahan! Must you talk?!
9. When your girlfriend is on social media…stalking your every move.

If she catches me.
10. How her friends comment on your post when another woman says she misses you.

Hmm. Edible catering!
11. When you do something wrong and you’re still together but she puts up this picture:

HAY GOD!
12. When your girl puts up another guy as her WCW.

I kent unsten.
13. When she likes another guy’s picture.

It didn’t mean anything…
14. When your girlfriend posts subliminal tweets when you guys are in a fight.

Someone cannot even offend again?
15. How you start to slide into someone’s DMs but you realize that she knows your girlfriend.

RETREAT!!!
16. How you handle all the enemies of progress that want to expose you to bae.

How to get away with…
1. When the flight is full and you all start fighting to get on the plane first.

I must enter please.
2. When you enter the plane and the smell of fish hits you.

Don’t they sell fish where you people are going?
3. Nigerians, when the pilot announces that the flight will take off late:

Lol, but you will still wait now?
4. When someone with 6 carry-on bags won’t let you put your own bag in the overhead cabin.

How did you not check those in?
5. When you see your country people taking selfies in the first class compartment then going to sit in the economy class they paid for.

Welcome.
6. When the Nigerian flight attendants starts talking in an accent from a completely different planet.

“Hartenshorn pliz, deezis a bordin hannounzmen for Earo Contractor flai 364 tew Laygorz…”
7. Having Nigerians on a flight and hearing “Do you know who I am?” at least once:

Unfailingly.
8. When someone leads a plane-wide prayer session before take off.

Here too?!
9. When they say put off your phone but there is still that one ‘businessman’ that is still making a call.

Don’t kill all of us please.
10. There will always be those people arguing about football or politics at the back of the plane.

No one cares!
11. When they tell a plane full of Nigerians to put off the lights during a night flight.

We are not children of darkness.
12. When the plane hits a little turbulence.

“Blood of Jesus!!!”
13. Nigerians and waiting for the seatbelt sign to go off before removing their seatbelts:

You people should let us finish landing now!
14. When the plane lands safely and as Nigerians, you cannot help but clap.

YASSS!
15. Pilot: “Please remain seated until the plane stops mov-“. Nigerians:

No time.
16. When the plane lands and everyone is running to the baggage claim/immigration place.

We cannot come and queue forever.
17. Nigerians when it’s time to get their luggage from the overhead cabin:

They don’t even mind climbing over your head.
1. When you entered SS1 and you thought the entire subject was about reproduction.

FINALLY!
2. But then you realized that Biology had more notes than all your other subjects combined.

Unfair.
3. When you’re not even in science class but Biology was still compulsory.

Fix your lives.
4. The struggle to stay awake in class.

Don’t wake me up.
5. When you ran away from sciences because of drawing but you still have to draw stupid fishes in Biology class.

Kuku kill me.
6. When you see “Biology – Double period”.

This is what hell must feel like.
7. When Biology class starts and it suddenly feels like there are 2 hours in one minute.

Who did I offend?
8. How you feel after studying Biology for one term.

Epp me.
9. When you’re looking for the application of Mitosis and Meiosis in Economics or Law or Accounting.

Still can’t find it.
10. When you don’t understand the whole course but it’s not something that someone can explain.

I’m done.
11. How you feel in a Biology Multiple choice exam.

We learnt all these?
12. When you see the future doctors putting Biology on their JAMB form.

Do you, boo!
13. How you look through the subject requirements to gain university admission to make sure Biology is not there.

I don’t want.
14. When someone says Biology is their favorite subject.

Also who asked you?!
15. When you enter the Biology lab and the smell hits you.

You people will die if you spray air freshener?
16. When it’s time for practicals and you cannot remember how to identify anything.

I kent unsten.
17. When it’s time to dissect animals.

Disgusting.
18. When the bell rings and Biology period is over.

Bye.
1. How people see you when you tell them you’re self employed.

Ah my oga!
2. When you tell your parents you’re not looking for a job and you want to work for yourself.

See your life!
3. When you hear people complaining endlessly about their bosses.

Sorry.
4. Then you realize that your employees maybe feel the same way about you.

It cannot be. I’m a great person.
5. How you imagined having a business will be vs. how it really is.

Epp me.
6. When everyone is talking about salary day, but you can’t even pay yourself most times.

Please God!
7. When you hear that a company doing what you do just got investment.

I’m very happy for you.
8. When your relatives ask you “So, when are you getting a real job?”

Leave me alone please!
9. When people ask you what you’re doing on the weekend.

I’m not even crying.
10. When you’re asked to sponsor this or that because you’re a founder, but you can barely sponsor your dinner.

Errm…
11. When your parents start referring your relatives to you for employment.

WHAT?!
12. When Nigeria decides that the best way to reward you is increase fuel prices and exchange rate.

It’s okay…I’m okay…
13. When you start wondering if it’s too late to go for your masters.

But dollar is expensive so…
1. When there’s light and you’re under your duvet getting ready to sleep.

Sleep finna be lit!
2. And your room feels chill because your fan and AC are on at the same time.

As per Captain cold.
3. But as usual being a Nigerian, you can’t have good things.

Hay God!
4. When just you’re about to doze off…

What is happening?!
5. …And NEPA takes light.

WHAT?!
6. When you try to continue sleeping but it’s not happening anymore.

*tears*
7. But you can hear the mosquitoes getting in formation.

God of mercy!
8. And you can feel the AC cold slowly seeping away.

Please come back…
9. When the legion of flying cockroaches are released.

Lord, I commit myself to you.
10. When you hear a sound in the dark but you’re the only one at home.

Blood of Jesus!
11. When you finally sleep drowning in your own sweat.

Water is good.
12. The next morning when someone asks “How was your night?”

Stressing…
1. When the inside of your phone that costs N120,000 is the same as the inside of another N10,000 Android device.

Oh joy!
2. When your charger spoils…

What the…!
3. …But pretty much any wire can charge your device.

And it’s not even expensive.
4. The difference between you and an iPhone user.

android users:

-can i have my phone please?

people with iPhones:

-can i have my iPhone 6s plus Gold aircon tomato sauce mushroom please 😂
— FUT: iamdoxel (@DRCongoFUT) March 31, 2016

Ugh!
5. Whenever an iPhone user is complaining about battery life.

Who sent you?
6. When an app is not available in the Nigerian play store.

Where is it now available?
7. When other people already have an app update but you’re still there waiting like:

Ordinary update.
8. The struggle of using your Nigerian bank MasterCard on the Playstore.

Kuku kill me.
9. When your Android falls face down and it is not a Samsung or HTC.

When you’re ready you’ll stand up.
10. When these phone manufacturers release a new, more expensive Android phone.

They all look the same.
11. When Google Now cannot really understand your accent.

Better behave.
12. When people make fun of Android Snapchat quality.

I’m not crying.
13. You, refusing to update your OS because there will always be problems.

Updates always, always come with terrible ringtones.
14. When your auto-correct starts correcting and suggesting words for you.

No auto-correct, I really meant to type that.
15. When the OS argument is going on and Windows phone users want to join in.

This doesn’t concern you though.
16. You, when an iPhone user moves to Android.

You’ve seen the light.
…coz even your boo get a boo…
1. When the teacher asks if everyone understands and the class says “NO!”, but you understand perfectly.

How is that not clear?
2. When they give an assignment and everyone in the class is waiting for you to do it.

Fine! I’ll do it!
3. When you finish your assignment.

Oya copy oh!
4. When the teacher splits you into groups for a project and you end up doing all the work.

Again!
5. When you mistakenly fail a test. Your teacher:

It’s just one failure.
6. When someone else scores higher than you on a test. Everyone:

Na wa oh!
7. When you get a B and it depresses you but you cannot be sad in public.

It’s so hard.
8. When people see you stabbing a class.

What?! I have to go to all the classes?
9. How people react when you tell them you don’t understand a particular topic.

I don’t know it oh!!!!
10. When you ask someone what aspect they need you to explain to them and they say “Everything”.

You didn’t pay your school fees to me.
11. When everyone expects you to organize tutorials before exams but you haven’t even read.

Oh God!
12. When exams are coming and you tell people you haven’t read.

I haven’t oh!
13. When people come to confirm their answers with you after every exam.

*flips hair*
14. When people see you reading for exams.

Leave me plis.
15. You when you hear “10 minutes left” in the exam but you still have more to write.

More time please!
16. When you raise up your hand in class and the teacher doesn’t call you.

Pick me!!!
1. How you feel when your phone finally reaches 100%.

We did it!
2. When your battery is at 1% when the gist is getting sweet.

Hurry!!!!
3. When someone tries to educate you about not using your phone while it’s charging.

Thanks!
4. When you’ve been charging your phone for over an hour and it has only moved by 20%.

Charge slower. Ugh!
5. When they take light when your phone is only at 50%.

I don’t deserve this.
6. When there has been light for 3 hours so you were not charging your phone, then you plug it in and they take light.

Must you show yourselves?
7. When your phone is at 1% and you run to the charger and plug it in and it jumps to 17%.

What is doing this one?
8. When you give someone your phone for a minute and when they give it back your battery is half gone.

Did you drink it?
9. When you plug the phone to your laptop to charge and it shows “USB Device Not Recognized”.

I’m not even asking you to recognize it, just charge the damn phone!
10. Your new best friend:

The phone cannot die oh!
11. When your phone is almost going off and your friend says, “I have a charger”.

YASSS!!!
12. When you check your bag and realize you left your charger at home.

Crien.
13. When you have like 15 apps running at the same time and your battery is just looking at you like:

Continue.
14. When someone sends you a video link to watch on low battery and no light. Battery:

Stop it!
15. Your battery when you go on social media for 15 minutes.

Is this life?
16. And to all those that insist that listening to music doesn’t stress your battery.

What do you know?!
17. When someone tells you to increase the brightness of your phone.

Is it ya battery?
1. When it’s time for Maths and you’re just there trying not to cry.

Again today…
2. When your Maths teacher enters the class and suddenly says “tear a sheet of paper”.

I don’t unsten.
3. When the teacher for the subject after Maths, gives his period to your Maths teacher.

Whyyyyyyyy?!
4. When you tell your teacher to re-explain and he asks “what part don’t you understand?”

From the beginning.
5. When you ask your classmate to explain a formula to you and he starts with “It’s very simple now”.

So are you going to explain or not?
6. Your brain when Maths suddenly changes from 1+1 = 2 to dy/dx.

Too fast plis.
7. When you cannot even figure out basic Maths, but some people are taking Further Mathematics.

Oversabi
8. When the example is always like 500 times easier than the classwork and a million times easier than the exam.

Jisos!
9. When everyone else is using the four figure table and you’re just looking around like:

Help me Jesus!
10. You when the exam timetable showed Maths as the first subject.

I’m not crying.
11. You trying to cram as many formulas as possible before the exam.

My brain. It hurts.
12. When you see the first question in the exam hall.

Is this fair?
13. When the exam is even multiple choice but your own answer still doesn’t agree with the options.

Kuku kill me.
14. Your relationship with Jesus during Maths exams:

The way, the truth and the life.
15. When you finish a test and all your friends are arguing about whether the answer was 17 or 20 but your answer was -6.

My God!
16. When your results come out and you see you failed Maths.

As expected.
17. When your parents ask why you failed mathematics.

Also I’m pretty.
18. When the teacher says you cannot use your calculator in a Maths test.

It’s a MATHS test!!! One calculator is not even enough.
19. When you were sure your Maths teacher hated you because he always picked you to solve the hard questions.

Why are you asking me? Did I raise my hand?
20. But you always finish your tests first, because you cannot write what you do not understand.

Ordinary failure.
21. When you see people putting Maths on their JAMB form.

Na you oh!
22. When you finally graduate and you’ve still not applied surds in real life.

God will punish you.
1. How people act when you tell them you live in Ijebu Ode.

Ah pele oh! You thought Lagos was the only place in the world?
2. When you hear that there’s finally a cinema in Ijebu Ode.

Ah finally! I still can’t believe they gave Akure before us.
3. When you get to the cinema and they’re still showing movies from last year.

What a disappoint!
4. When Chicken Republic and Tantalizers came to Ijebu Ode but Mosun Cafe managed to chase them away.

KFC will not even bother. There’s sha still Mr Biggs.
5. When you were happy when Savoury opened but then you heard their prices.

Ejo e koshi lo. Mosun Cafe will still chase you away.
6. Mosun Cafe on a Sunday.

Before all the chicken will finish.
7. When you want to go to the mall and you have to make the 45 minute drive to Ibadan.

Ah nawa.
8. When you’re trying go somewhere within town and the keke guy calls 100 naira.

Better behave!
9. When you realize that Ijebu Ode is almost as crowded as Lagos.

No seriously, there’s no house for you to rent.
10. How you look at Lagos people with their banned okada.

Ntoi!
11. When the bike man asks where in Erunwon and you say “around Ilese..”

Get out!
12. When people that live in Ijebu Mushin and Ijebu Itele also say they live in Ijebu Ode.

Please it’s not the same place.
13. When policemen try to stop you and they’re not holding guns.

When there’s no traffic?
14. Ijebu Ode banks and closing early.

Since armed robbers won’t leave them alone.
15. You waiting on an ATM queue in Ijebu Ode.

It’s never short.
16. When you get back from New Market and you start telling your mom the prices.

“They scammed you.” Yup. They will always scam you.
17. When you see a masquerade in Ijebu.

Bruh, better hide. Those people can flog you.
18. When someone says Ijebu Ode is local.

We’ll still take all your Lagos jobs. Shut up.
19. When an original Ijebu person cooks you that fire Ikokore.

YASSSS!
1. Who belongs in the kitchen?

A woman belongs in the kitchen. A man belongs in the kitchen. Everybody belongs in the kitchen. It’s where the food is. If you’re hungry, go and get it!
2. Who should make more money?

Why do you guys think the man should earn more? Why is it wrong if the woman earns more? Did she do it on purpose? Like “Oh I must earn more than my husband”? If your wife earns more, please be happy and supportive. It’s more money for the family.
3. Who pays on a date?

I can’t believe we’re still having this discussion. We had it before! But here: If you set a date up with someone who would otherwise be undisturbed in their house – and not spending money – you better be paying. It’s just courtesy.
4. Who provides money for upkeep in the family?

Do you both work? Yes? Then you both contribute what you can! If one of you doesn’t work, then the worker provides the money.
5. Who stays home with the kids?

*rolls eyes* First of all, the solution to this is easy. Who conceived the kids? Both of you, no? So just work out a schedule that works for you both. That’s actually not hard. If the kids’ school is nearer the husband’s office, should the wife still drive all the way? Does that make sense?
6. When you invite someone out, and they bring their friends, should you pay for the friends too?

NO.
7. When a guy and a girl or a group of people organize a hangout, who pays?

Split. The. Bill.
8. When you invite someone to come over, who pays for the cab?

If someone tells you to come over and you cannot afford it, say no. If you say yes, your transport is kind of your responsibility. No one sent you?!
9. On Valentine’s day, who buys a gift?

Valentine’s day is a day to show love. If you love your partner – and you have money – buy them a gift. All people need gifts.
10. Who should say ‘I love you’ first?

If you feel that your partner is not a demon and you arrive at this love crossroads first, by all means say it. It’s not a gender assigned duty by God.
11. Who decides when it’s time to get married?

See, before your partner goes and marries someone else while you people are still dating, you should discuss marriage. A LOT. So when it’s time, invariably, you would have decided together. So stop fighting yourselves and let’s all get along.
Honestly though, I can tell you guys, the people here have become like family. Yes, that’s what I said. We are one big, we-see-once-a-day family.
When I first started passing through Yaba, I was scared of everyone. I mean everybody.

Even the passengers.
But it’s been one year, and we have all grown close.

I’m not even joking.
Now, when I step down at the bus stop, I start looking for my familiar people.

Where you at?
When my favorite “aunty correct Jeans” guy , Shaggy steps to me.

I’m not buying jeans, but it’s still nice to get asked.
Ifeanyi, the curtain guy comes over to say hi and maybe convince me to buy curtains.

This is our thing now.
When I’m looking for the right bus, someone that ‘works’ there always helps me find one.

This is better than I can put into words.
When all the Obalende buses are 150, my connect sometimes swings the price down to 100 naira.

I know people! I’m connected!!
How I be with my favorite conductor.

And my favorite seat on any bus he’s conducting that day.
I feel so torn when my favourite conductor doesn’t want to pay my favorite Local government guy. As in, they’re both my friends.

Guys, can’t we all just get along?!
And it’s over so soon, because the bus starts moving.

But there’s tomorrow again.
But honestly, all these people actually make my day slightly better and what is life without a little flavour?

This is a true life story.
1. Talking to us through the pain is the right move.

Do this.
2. When you want to give us injections, one place is enough.

The body is not a pin cushion.
3. When you exhaust all the spaces on our butts, please don’t start with our thighs.

It’s painful!
4. When you’re giving us injections, don’t ask why we’re crying. We are in pain!

You would cry too, if someone was sticking needles into you.
5. And no, don’t compare us to a child (or an adult) who isn’t crying.

Not our faults their bodies are made of steel.
6. When we are sick and not eating, shouting at us doesn’t help our apetite.

We will still not eat.
7. No, do not diagnose us before the doctors have a chance to.

Thank you.
8. When you’re rushing to close your shift, an overdose on drugs or injection is not the right way.

Please we are begging.
9. Hungry means now, not after your favorite Telemundo episode.

We are humans too!
10. When we come to get birth control, it doesn’t mean we want to sell our bodies.

Props for being responsible?
11. When we say it’s an emergency, we are not trying to play with your time.

Is it till someone dies?
12. When you put us on a weight scale, no need to comment on the weight.

Yes we are aware that “we have added oh”.
13. Don’t leave us sitting at the reception forever. We are people too.

And that malaria won’t cure itself.
14. A little smile goes a long way. Please smile.

We just want you to nurture.
15. We know you gossip about everybody at the hospital – including us.

I can hear you!
16. We paid for this bed and for treatment, so stop expecting us to pack and go before we are fully well.

So sorry for the stress.
1. Cars are for suckers. Buy yourself a horse.

That’s one less thing that needs petrol.
2. Don’t go out.

If you won’t get a horse, then the next best thing is to stay permanently in your house. Because the truth is, there really isn’t anything important out there.
3. If your friends ask you to come and hang out, say no. Because fuel.

Fuel don cost.
4. If you’re in more than one relationship, now is the time to bring it down to one.

Maintenance costs have doubled.
5. Beware of the people that want to do you favors that require crossing Third Mainland bridge.

Do they mean you well?
6. When you’re driving and you encounter traffic. Get down and start walking.

But lock your car. You’re saving fuel.
7. It’s only been 5 years, but move in with the one partner you have left.

It’s efficient. And romantic.
8. Tell your partner: No more driving to fancy restaurants.

YES!
9. Stop spending money. Our forefathers survived on trade by barter.

We can, too.
10. You and the heat.

You should be one now.
11. Nigerian generator time used to be 7-10pm. Now it’s 8-10pm. Adjust accordingly.

Not even 10:01pm.
12. Whenever it rains, you already know not to put the gen on.

Use the breeze of God.
13. Quit any job that is more than 15 minutes away from your house.

Who needs a job?
14. Marry into a petrol wealth family…Alakija…Otedola.

It’s a by force thing oh!
15. Pray for Nigeria.

Fast. Pray. Light Candles. Say the Fatiha. Offer up Benediction. Dance. Do prayer of the faithful. Give sacrifices.
By popular demand, we have put together a female version of the Zikoko name dictionary. Also If you’re very sensitive, please see here for posts that you should be reading. Definitely not this one.
1. The Ada

Ever faithful Good girl Values her man and her family’s opinions
2. The Damilola

She’s not interested in ‘growing’ with you – better come correct Instagram celebrity She doesn’t care
3. The Ejiro

Dating you but definitely marrying another Expects you to take care of her Allowances are part of the relationship
4. The Bolu

Very misunderstood Been heartbroken too many times Stronger than you know
5. The Tolu

Once was a good girl Very attracted to Yoruba demons Complete and utter flirt
6. The Chisom

She’s coming on a date with 4 other friends No emotions Serial dater
7. The Titi

Laid edges Not interested in learning how to cook for you Daddy’s girl
8. The Seun

Brazilian hair, lashes etc. Expects gifts Very needy
9. The Chioma

Very hardworking Every man’s dream wife Often lightskinned
10. The Seyi

Party girl She loves guys with beards Goes best with an “Ayo”
11. The Halima

Savage Every boy wants her – your boyfriend too Will exploit all your weaknesses
12. The Wura

Kind and very intellectual All about the melanin Natural hair matters
13. The Tobi

Peng petite babe She and her squad are goals Likes lightskinned men
14. The Nara

Mistress of Curving 150 unread messages – your own is among Everyone has a crush on her
15. The Adeola

All talk no action Will always hold her man down Feminist
16. The Ifeoma

Ready to get married Great sense of humor If you’re not ready for marriage, she’ll leave you
17. The Rukiya

Looking for oil or politics money Great sense of humor Serial cheat
18. The Tosin

Two-man type of girl She treats every boy like they’re special Breaks hearts for fun
19. The Olamide

Genuinely nice girl Great listener Gets dumped a lot
20. The Ngozi

Very blunt Feminist Usually an IJGB
21. The Zainab

She likes your best friend too Compulsive liar Very very vain
22. The Tola

She loves relationships Never single Always has a plan B
23. The Maryam

Shady AF Sarcastic tendencies Very dramatic
24. The Bimbo

Usually short Very generous but really mean Potential wife material
25. The Onyinye

Always beautiful, sometimes brilliant Can be found in an Igbo musician’s video Loves intelligent men, but may still give you a chance
1. When you enter SS3 and it’s time for the school to choose prefects.

Please God, let them pick me.
2. You, if your juniors had to be the ones to vote for the prefects.

Ejoor vote for me.
3. You, at the badging ceremony.

Finally!
4. When the head girl and head boy start behaving like it’s only their own posts that matter.

All prefects matter.
5. When you got chapel prefect and you couldn’t stab service anymore.

Why me?
6. When you remember all the juniors who had been rude to you.

I will deal with you.
7. After you become a prefect and you send a junior and he says no.

Is this one mad?
8. When the whole school does something but only the prefects are being punished.

Wawu!
9. You and all the prefects after you’ve finished serving punishment for the school.

You will all learn!
10. When someone calls you supervisor instead of prefect.

P-R-E-F-E-C-T!
11. When you’re the food prefect and so everybody wants to be your friend.

Do I know you?!
12. When you thought being a prefect meant you could wake up late but you had to be up before the rest of the school.

Someone cannot sleep again!
13. When your mates that you didn’t even like start famzing you so that your power can rub off on them.

Don’t let the devil use you.
14. When you become a prefect and nobody is trying to use provisions to bribe you.

Why is my own different?
15. When you’re the labour prefect and the juniors don’t do their work so the principal asks you to do it.

Just know you’re dead.
16. When you’re the socials prefect so you’re only supposed to work once a week.

Chilling!
1. So you’ve been doing the nasty together for a while.

So much fun, right!
2. And the other night was pretty amazing.

Really good.
3. When you see her coming over, but she’s not smiling.

Is she breaking up with me?
4. Then says the dreaded words “We need to talk”.

What have I done?
5. You try to remember every bad thing you’ve done since you last saw her.

Oh God!
She takes her time to get to the point. But when she does…

6. Then she drops the news.

JESUS!
7. SHE HAS MISSED HER PERIOD!

*faints*
8. Then the thoughts start to pour in:
“Where did you keep it?”
You try to remember if you used protection.
“Oh God, why am I so fertile…?”
“Will she do abortion?…probably not.”
You trying to calculate the price of pampers:
And how much you’ll spend to raise a child.
“Hay God! My mother will murder me.”
“Why did I even have sex?”

9. Then you start to think of your options.

“Can I run away?”
10. You think to yourself, “Maybe I will make a good father.”

Then you’re realistic again. You haven’t even finished taking care of yourself.
11. When you finally accept what is coming.

“You will be a good father to your child.”
12. Then she calls you to apologize. Her period just came.

You want to kill me?!
1. Build a house big enough so you can torture more than one tenant at once.

Face-me-I-face you is great for maximum evil.
2. And build the house wherever, even if it means the house will be under water when it rains.

It’s just water.
3. Look for cheap building materials, you’re not living in the house.

The house is the tenants’ problem now.
4. Only do the barest minimum to make the house livable.

I’ve sha put toilet and kitchen..even if they’re right beside each other.
5. Make sure the block of flats you build has absolutely no parking space.

Why do they even have cars?
6. Just so that people will not abuse you, put light and water in the house.

Small geepee tank though, and the cheapest PHCN phase.
7. Put the house on the market for twice its proper value.

And lie a lot!
8. Then ask for two years in advance plus damages.

Oga, if you want the house, come and rent.
9. When they negotiate and beg you, be ‘merciful’ and reduce the price a little.

Or be a mad man and rent it to someone else.
10. When they ask you about the house and the area, be as vague as possible or just outrightly lie.

Safe – you won’t die Near the main road – you’ll walk for 10 minutes You’ll get bus to anywhere – No you will not
11. When they move in to the house, wish them success and good luck.

God knows they’ll need it.
12. Be excited when you see them fixing up the house. Higher rent, baby!

Fix it!
13. If they come to complain to you about inheriting the former tenant’s bills.

What’s my own?
14. When they’re fighting with their neighbours, see but don’t talk.

Hian!
15. When something spoils in the house and they come to you.

Do I live there?
16. After a year has passed, increase the rent without notice.

Come and beat me.
17. When they finally decide to move out, increase the price again and put it on the market.

Repeat from step 6.
PS: If you cannot take a joke, STOP now.

PPS: Seriously!

1. The Tosin

Complete and utter flirt.

Has more shoes than he needs.

Dated every girl you know.

2. The Tolu

Kind and intelligent.

Very unlike other Yoruba demons.

Has a lot of female friends.

3. The Emeka

Very hardworking.

Probably has a wife in the village already.

Needs his woman to know how to cook.

4. The Tobi

Typical Yoruba Demon.

Draws you in with insightful arguments.

Never takes long to show true colors.

5. The Danjuma

Rich from oil or politics money.

Has every girl wanting him.

Always thinks he’s all that.

6. The Wale

Genuine nice and humble guy.

Probably a mama’s boy.

Has introduced half of Lagos girls to his mom.

7. The Ikenna

Buff ladies man.

Will exploit all your weaknesses.

Expects you to treat him like royalty.

8. The Tunji

Broke.

Always wants you to hold him down.

Great hairline though.

9. The Ibrahim

Richer than everyone you know.

Probably sleeping with everyone you know too.

Prefers hanging out with the guys than with you.

10. The Ayo

Beardgang.

Always wants to meet your friends.

Can turn anything into a party.

11. The Ebuka

Very fine boy.

Everyone has a crush on him.

He has a thing for mixed race girls.

12. The Bankole

Great sense of humour.

Prone to sarcastic tendencies.

Only likes Australian girls.

13. The Chuka

Everything is a joke to him.

Will not be serious till he’s 30.

Likes your best friend more than you.

14. The Tunde

His friends call you “our wife”.

He’s always cheating.

Very generous.

15. The Damini

Almost always tall.

Great dancer.

Can embarrass you in public.

16. The Timi

Gym monkey.

Likes taking pictures of himself.

There are no pictures of you on his Instagram.

17. The Obi

Mr Wandering Eyes.

He constantly needs your attention.

He’s a two-woman man.

18. The Temi

Usually short.

Cannot wait to boast about every girl he’s been with.

Communicates in a ‘~~creepy~~ caring’ manner.

19. The Idris

Very dramatic.

Determined to be sinless.

If you’re Muslim, he’s in love.

20. The Femi

Geek Tendencies.

Loves him some big booty.

Will probably pick TV shows over you.

21. The Ifeanyi

Very very vain.

Lies compulsively.

Serial cheat.

22. The Ope

Very gentle and very sweet.

Could be broke but has potential.

Will work very hard.

23. The Nonso

Always listens to you.

Gets dumped a lot.

Rich AF.

24. The Dami

Very blunt.

Supports feminism, equality etc.

Cannot keep a secret.

If your name is not here, tweet it at us @zikokomag and we’ll add it!
1. When it’s Monday and all you can look forward to is Friday.

Friday, where is you?
2. And in the middle of the week you make weekend plans with your squad.

This weekend will be lit!
3. When Friday comes and you swear you’ll enjoy this weekend.

Fun!
4. When work is over and you go straight home to rest for your fun day tomorrow.

Beauty sleep please.
5. When you wake up on Saturday morning and you tell yourself you’ll be in bed all day.

NO WORK!
6. When you remember that you have made plans to go out.

What have I done?!
7. When you realize that to go out you have to get up, have your bath and wear clothes.

I can’t do this.
8. But all you want to do is eat and sleep.

Let me sleep nau?!
9. When you start thinking about how you will get out of the plans you made.

Because I’m not leaving this house today.
10. And you start coming up with lies to tell.

“I died.” “My house burnt down.”
11. When you call your friends to ask if the plans are still on and they say yes.

Is this life?
12. When your friends call to cancel the plans.

YASSSSS!
13. You: “And I was already getting dressed oh…I’m so sad.”

*covers self well*
14. When another friend calls to see if you’re interested in hanging out.

No. No. No.
15. When it’s Sunday and you realize tomorrow is Monday and the weekend is basically over.

16. When you go to church and you pray that something happens and Monday is cancelled.

Fix this, Jesus!
17. When you wake up on Monday morning to go to work.

Still no fun last weekend. SMH!
1. When you first get into final year.

I have arrived!
2. When you realize that you played for the first three years and now it’s time to get serious.

God forbid extra year.
3. When you give up on dressing/eating/living because who has time for that.

It’s so hard.
4. When you see final year students still forming fashionista and facebeat.

How do they get the time?
5. When all your mates are talking about their after school plans and you’re just confused.

Wait, you people already have plans? I’m just trying to pass!
6. When you look at your course list and all you want to do is sleep till graduation.

Don’t wake me up.
7. When you’ve submitted project proposal 7 times and it’s been rejected 7 times.

Kuku kill me.
8. When your supervisor chooses your project topic and now you’re sure you will not graduate.

Much thanks, sir.
9. When someone tells you they’ve finished their project and it’s just the first semester.

Who asked you?
10. When you start wondering about the lowest CGPA you can have to graduate.

You people cannot kill me.
11. When a lecturer gives you 45 when he can just add one mark to give you a D.

In the name of God.
12. When all your final exams are hard because your lecturers are basically demons.

Did I offend you?
13. When you’re still confused about the application of your course in real life.

What will I do with my life?
14. When your parents ask you what you’re graduating with but you’re not sure.

First class lower?
15. When they release the first graduation list and your name is not on it.

Jesus!
16. Now you have to run to your department to fix that.

HAY GOD!
17. When they finally call your name on graduation day.

Buh bye!