Nelson, Author at Zikoko!

Nigerians do not have the best relationship with Nigerian thrift stores online. Depending on who you ask, they are either coordinated outlets for overpriced products or they are also outlets for overpriced products that never live up to the hype their fine pictures promise. And because Nigerians always have a thing or two to get off their chest about these stores, we decided to ask 8 of them to share their thoughts, experiences, and deepest grievances they have about Nigerian thrift stores online.

Read them all below.

Tóbi, 26

I bought a bathrobe from an online vendor once. Upon getting the robe, it had this foul smell that conspicuously said: “kantagowa” mixed with the smell of cheap perfume oil. I was angry because her description didn’t mention anything thrift. I spent days washing and drying the robe to make sure the smells wash off. Then she went ahead to ask me to send her reviews and photos of myself wearing the robe. I never did and I think she got the message. I shouldn’t even start on the ridiculous amount they call their stuff. A little flower here, white canvas background there, iPhone photography, and boom! Okirika Jean is ₦5,000.

You also have to deal with the sad fact that many of them wear the clothes before selling in the name of advertising them. I forgot to mention that checking the vendor’s WhatsApp status a day after delivery, I discovered she wore the robe to advertise just before packaging it for delivery. If you ever want to buy thrift, go to Super or Yaba, online vendors aren’t exactly better alternatives these days.

Unit, 25

First off, I think online thrift stores should be renamed online thief stores. Because I don’t understand why they overprice basic items, especially those ones who sell clothes. Is it because they tuck in the middle of the clothes and snap it behind an aesthetic background? Or because they selected it from the bale, washed, and sprinkled perfume on it? It doesn’t mean they should fleece their customers. Some of them have nice items, but in the end, thrift is second hand, and I’m not going to be spending ₦4,000 on Okrika.

Lola, 21

The thing about thrift in Nigeria is there’s a serious stigma around it. When in reality more than half the population wears thrift in one way or the other. Personally, it’s been a wonderful alternative to buying or wearing expensive clothes that aren’t even related to my sense of style. Nigerian clothe sellers only sell what’s in vogue, compared to Western countries where there’s a lot of variety. The only variety people who can’t afford brand new clothes have is the thrift market, which is a saving grace for so many. Although I still buy new clothes and all, I wish the stigma on thrifting in Naija can be channeled into making the industry better and easier for people to afford to look nice and at least have improved self-esteem.

Feyi, 25

I saw this cute vintage denim I was hoping to stunt on this girl with.

It was a dm for the price situation. First, off the seller overused emojis, and that should have told me something. I paid ₦7,800 for that denim with an extra ₦800 for delivery. It was the worst shopping experience of my life. The denim had pit stains and the cuffs were not artfully distressed. They were frayed and genuinely distressed. It smelled like an avocado left to rot and it itched the heck out of me when I slipped one arm in. The effort the seller put on the packaging is what I paid ₦7,800 for sha because that denim was hell’s table clothes. Most online thrift stores are scam centers. I’d rather go to Ikeja along.

Oyinda, 27

I think online Nigerian thrift stores are daylight robbers who never have anything above size 16. If I want to buy Okrika I’ll go to Yaba. At least I’ll find my size there. I don’t bother ordering because I never find my size anyway.

Omosefe, 22

First of all, products from online Nigerian thrift stores are too expensive! Second, I get that they run a business, and all but some of them are thieves with their ‘No refund, no exchange’ policy. Like how are you not supposed to exchange when there’s a big ass stain on the white gown I bought? Well, I’ve stuck to one overpriced thrift seller and I go do my shopping myself sometimes. It is what it is.

Chiamaka, 24

I became very active on Instagram during the pandemic and because I looked up Okrika wears on Instagram, I started getting suggestions to follow some IG accounts that sold them. I browsed through some pages and I simply became attracted to their fine fine clothes and flashy shoes. I saw about four gowns I liked on a page and sent them a message saying I wanted them. Confirmed payment details and delivery details. From two days of delivery, it was extended to five days. But I wasn’t really worried because someone had gifted half of the money I used in paying for the clothes and the loss wouldn’t be hard if I was scammed. Omo, when the clothes arrived, only two were exactly as pictured on their page, others looked like the faded version of those Nollywood village dresses. Oversize, long, and faded. No type of shaping could transform both dresses.

Blue, 25

Those ones are just thieves. They will overprice everything. Add money for washing that they probably didn’t do. And data for posting on IG. Then they’ll add Nepa bills and their own profit. Then a top of ₦200 will become ₦7,000. They’ll now tell you that it’s fairly used. Did the cloth tell you that? Did the person that wore it tell you that? It’s so annoying.
Okay, let’s get straight to the point, we know you know that Bill Gates, yes THE Bill Gates is getting a divorce. We also know that as much as you bemoan the end of his 27-year marriage to Melinda Gates, you have also been wondering and devising ways to slide into his DMs.

Shooting your shot at Bill Gates is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and you must make a good impression, so we thought to share some tips on what you need to do before embarking on this important journey.
1. Change Your Avi To The Microsoft Logo
It is important that Bill sees and knows you are a genuine supporter of his business and the quickest giveaway would be changing your profile picture to the Microsoft logo. I mean, what better way to start off a conversation with him?
1. Text In Javascript
Want to show Mr. Gates that you are more than just a fine face? Text him in javascript. Texting in English is actually basic and overrated, using Javascript, however, would show him that you are a very inventive and creative person, now if that doesn’t sound like his ideal partner, I don’t know what does.
1. Diss Apple Every 3 Minutes
Want to prove your loyalty to him even more? Diss his competitor Apple. Make sure to mention all the things you hate about Apple products, how they are for weird people who don’t have a classic taste. Mention that you have only tried using an Apple product once and it was just the worst experience you have had with any piece of technology yet. Make it creative, make it realistic, make it believable.
1. Change your phone to an Android and delete all your tweets made from an Iphone
You want Mr. Gates to scroll through your page and see almost no trace of anything related to Apple. So better start tweeting from your laptops or android phones so you can have a chance at this hot cake.
1. Don’t Let Him Know You Are Poor
Or better still, don’t be too poor. Unsubscribe from Poverty.com and make sure there is no whiff of poverty around you. Don’t worry, it will pay off in the end.
1. And most importantly, show that you have received the vaccine
Forget everything you have heard from Pastor Oyakhilome, you have to show Mr. Gates that you are well vaccinated and do not care about having the 5G implanted in your bloodstream. If you take these necessary preparations, you are sure to not only get Mr. Gates’ attention but you will most likely keep it for as long as you need it.

Imagine being Mr. Gates’s next life partner? Ah, the haters are in trouble!
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

What Is #Greenfielduniversity about?

On April 20, 2020, 22 students and one staff member of Greenfield University, Kaduna state, were kidnapped by unidentified bandits, in what has been a recent spike in cases of abduction and killings in the country. On April 23, three days after this incident, three of those students were killed, with two more murdered on April 26.

And now, the bandits, according to reports from major news networks, are threatening to kill the remaining people ( now 17 )who are still in their custody if a ₦100 million ransom along with 10 Honda motorcycles are not provided by Tuesday, May 4, 2021.

The threat was issued, through a 3-minutes recorded audio clip, by the bandit leader Sani Idris Jalingo (who is also known as Baleri), in an interview with Voice Of America (VOA) Hausa.

What Is The State Government Doing?

Going by existing reports, not much is known about what the Kaduna state government is doing or intends to do to ensure the safety of the Greenfield students. However, the state Governor, Nasir El-Rufai has said on April 9 that he has no intention of paying bandits or kidnappers as it is not the main objective of his administration.

While the student’s parents have been able to raise 55 million, the bandit leader, Sani claims that it was used to feed the captives and that it was not enough. In the audio recording shared on VOA Hausa, he reiterated that the killing of the five students was to emphasize the seriousness of their threat and if the rest of their demands are not met, “ the parents will pack their (students) bodies in pickups.”

How Are Nigerians Reacting To This?

Nigerians online are calling for the Kaduna state government to intervene through the #Greenfielduniversity hashtag trending on Twitter.

#Greenfielduniversity
Dear God, today is the set day bandits has declared to slaughter the remaining #Greenfielduniversity students if ransom is not paid. Father, arise and deliver ur children by your might alone. Let the enemies be confused and change their mind in Jesus'name🤲
— Gbenga Dare (@GbengaDare9) May 4, 2021

When I remember the students killed at #Greenfielduniversity and those still in danger, I can’t help thinking that some people somewhere are collecting salaries and allowances for securing citizens and there’s this much insecurity
— Frank Donga™ (@frankdonga_) May 4, 2021

It may seem wise that we don’t want to negotiate with kidnappers holding citizens hostage, but the countries that adopt such measure have the means to pursue an alternative solution. You can only refuse such compromise when you have the monopoly on violence. #Greenfielduniversity
— Gimba Kakanda (@gimbakakanda) May 4, 2021

With many charging the government to consider negotiating with the kidnappers and ensuring the remaining Greenfield students are saved, Nigerians online are hoping that something is done before the kidnappers make do with their threats.

Little reminder: #Greenfielduniversity students have:

Been in captivity for the past 14 days.
Been without access to their families.
Been going through daily trauma and torture.
Their abductors threatened to kill them today if ransom is not paid.
Let's speak for them. ♥️💡
— Gbenga Dare (@GbengaDare9) May 4, 2021

We will update this story as soon as we receive new information.
If there is anything Nigerians understand, it is the sometimes weird, other times horrifying experiences that come with working in Nigeria. From delayed payments to extreme workloads. Lack of boundaries, poor remuneration, toxic and overly competitive workplace culture amongst other problems. These are the stories we often hear. But, surely, there have to be good jobs in the country. Or at least, Nigerians with good, if not the best work experiences at some of the jobs they have done or are currently doing.

So to answer that question, I asked six Nigerians to share their best work experiences and you can read their stories below.

Frankie, 28

One of the best work experiences I’ve ever had was during my NYSC posting. I was posted to a school to teach Mathematics. It was cool. I had control over my time and I loved teaching the subject. The overall renumeration was meagre but I could fund my baby-boy lifestyle from the pay I got from the government and private tutorials.

Now, I have had two other jobs after that and the only thing I’ve enjoyed has been the pay. Which of course, they made up for by draining the life out of me with terrible workloads. I’m actually hoping for a new job with a great work-life balance.

Oyinda, 27

Where I work now, the environment is really healthy. We’re a small team, but we’re so powerful. Everyone is kind, they provide feedback in the most useful ways. There’s room for immense growth and I get to challenge my thinking every day. It has made me think of words (which is what I mostly work with) in a more visual, tangible way and I can definitely say I’ve grown. Plus the pay is good; there’s feeding allowance, HMO, and other benefits. It’s the coolest job I’ve ever had to be honest. They challenge and push me to be better and I can’t wait to see how much better I get in the space of six months or a year.

Kelechi, 21

I work for a startup in the US as a User Experience Designer. Prior to this, I have had pretty tough bosses so this is really different from what I am used to. In my previous jobs, I was always anxious and tried to be online on slack all the time so I don’t get queried. I particularly love this job because I feel heard and appreciated. I’m the youngest at work and my teammates are always ready to guide and teach me. It’s very easy to interact without anyone being rude or mean. Overall, it’s just a very healthy work environment.

Also, we have nice hangouts – remotely of course – and get to know each other and bond outside of work. I have flexible work hours, I can take off days without feeling guilty. Everyone is treated equally, and then there is the really great pay. Now I know extreme micromanaging limits me and makes me super anxious and I now know that working long hours does not necessarily mean you’re being hardworking, it’s just suffering. As long as you get the result out at the required time. You are good.

Israel, 21

I am having one of my best work experiences. I work as a customer relations officer and the experience has been amazing so far. This is because of the freedom I have to do what I want so long as I get the job right. No one is looking for your mistake to pounce on or looking to give you a hard time. My supervisor always listens to my opinions, even when some of my coworkers would not agree. I mean, I was having a hard time at the office the other day and my supervisor asked if I wanted some loud to make my day better.

Elle, 30

I worked in two big companies in Nigeria prior to moving to Abidjan where I live and work now. The first one was a bit okay even though the salary was not that great. The second one, however, was hell!

The day I got an offer for my current job in Abidjan, my manager told me to speedily print my offer letter and sign it. The culture here is way better than in Nigeria. You can wear your Ankara from Monday to Friday and nobody will look at you anyhow. You can also wear any hairstyle. The day I saw pink hair, the Nigerian in me screamed.

Also, they are quite flexible and understanding with the staff, especially those who are parents. I can wake up in the morning and call my manager that my child is ill and they wish me well and tell me to come back when the child feels better. My child had surgery and I got two weeks’ leave to nurse her back to health. My department also has a good teaching culture where you are not criticized for not knowing something. You’re instead, encouraged to learn it and teach others. We also have a good working and personal relationship with our fellow staff especially amongst us Nigerians who work there.

Onome, 29

I’ve had two great job experiences. In the first one, I was earning a salary of N40K monthly but I was always travelling and on the road. I earn my full month salary in 2 days when on the road. During my trips, I would be given inconvenience pay, hotel, and feeding plus airtime.

At my second job, the company apartment was furnished to taste (a bed, mattress, fully fitted kitchen, e.t.c) and it was just behind my office. I could leave home at 7:58 and enter the office before 8 am. Cook a proper meal in the kitchen and even catch a short nap during breaks. I didn’t even have to pay for light bills, waste, or even gas. Now, na suffer I dey suffer!
What is the best advice your parent has ever given you? If there is anything, parents love to give advice. Often unsolicited and sometimes absolutely needed, advice from parents can be really helpful. Sometimes there can be so many of them that it is hard to remember, and other times, there is that one that sticks with you and shapes the way you navigate the world.

Below 7 people share advice from parents they cannot forget, perhaps this will bring back some long lost memories.

Arit, 38

The best advice I got from my father – which my mother also says to me all the time – was “If you don’t like it, remember you can always come home.” I think he said this when I was starting university or something like that. One big issue with life journeys is the fear of not completing. So even when we’re overwhelmed or it’s no longer the best choice, we stay. Remembering that I could always come home kept me going then and keeps me going now. A few days ago, my friend said it to me in relation to a new venture and I felt that warmth and safety all over again.

Ayo, 16

The advice from parents I cannot forget was from my mum who told me that “People only want to be associated with smart students and rich people.” That has shaped everything I think of now. It has also helped me whenever I’m in school and whenever I have money. I remember the people around are only there for the benefits they can get.

Vivian, 28

My father is a very good man. A very good human, in public and behind closed doors. Growing up, he’d always tell me “be yourself”. You know the advice they give when you’re going to school. Yeah, so he started telling me that from secondary school, but I never understood what it meant. At first, I felt the advice was funny because who else am I supposed to be? The older I got, I’d think ‘how can I be myself when I don’t even know who I am?’. He told me this every single time I had to leave home or go somewhere new, which is a lot of times because I moved around a lot. Anyway, the advice began to make sense to me just last year. I realized I had a tendency to absorb thoughts, opinions, and advice while disregarding my own. I’d bend myself into pretzels to be what I thought people needed, I was a people pleaser raised to power GEJ. I couldn’t account for any major decisions to my original thoughts.

I concluded that who I am is the sum of my independent decisions and choices (as independent as socialization permits anyway). And to become my authentic self, I had to make independent choices and live with the consequences, knowing it was all me. And now, being myself has a new meaning as I now make my own decisions and gain new insight into who I am. For the first time since I can remember, I’m being myself, which it turns out that I’m a coconut head. This new me has helped me make better decisions in my personal and professional life, which has, in turn, helped me grow so much in my competence, leadership, and overall relationships.

Yaw, 23

Every time I start a new job or internship, my father always tells me to not go overboard or overdo. He tells me to do the bare minimum, because people will use you if they know what you can do, especially as a young student. It has helped me immensely to be honest. Though I don’t do the bare minimum, I don’t avail myself too much to be used anyhow and it guides my relationship with employers and employment arrangements.

Nnaya, 27

My Mum tells me, “Never look at another persons own out there and think that you don’t have anything , there are people who are fasting and praying to be where you are right now, don’t rush to accumulate wealth so that you don’t die young , take it easy and you’d enjoy a long happy life.” That really didn’t hit me until 2 years ago after I discovered my health status. Befpore then, I was always complaining and I just found myself on a roller coaster of working myself off just to fight off inner demons and always second guessing and comparing myself with others people. I wasn’t even comfortable with my body, but the moment I remembered her words and advice, that was a turning point for me. I started to see and take life differently and it has positively affected my work and social life. I walk into a room feeling blessed and highly favored already and understand that it is okay when I don’t get something I wanted.

Dan, 24

My dad’s advice toe me in Secondary school was”Go to Art Class. You’re the only boy I know that can read an 800page novel in less than a day”. I heeded it and today I’m a lawyer. Being in Arts class felt alright. I got to improve my writing skills and learn elocution but before that, I had intended to head to Science class. In my school, we kinda did all the subjects in SS1 first term to determine what class would be right fit for you. And despite performing badly in all the science subjects and passing all the Art subjects, I was still trying to do stronghead and go to science class. It was my dad who had been observing all along that pointed out the fact that I’d be better as an Arts student and that I didn’t like maths anyway.

Liz, 23

So I won’t say this is the best, but this is the one I can think of right now. It’s “Always do what makes you happy, people will always talk.” And it was my mum that gave me that advice. When I was at a lower level in school and wanted to change my course, I worried about what people would say but when I told her she asked me to go ahead and change it. She was like, if I change it, people will talk and even if I don’t change it and I fail, people will still talk and even though I didn’t change it, that has stuck with me.
Nigerians online love to talk. Nothing is really ever off-limits nor too absurd to talk about. Most times, these conversations are sparked by people’s lived experiences or activities Nigerians online have been privy to, and other times, they are completely imagined and would probably never imagine.

In other cases, these conversations are spearheaded by people who know exactly what they are talking about (think women discussing misogyny or queer folks talking about homophobia) and as it often happens, those conversations get hijacked by people who are ill-equipped to talk about them and end up turning the discourse into a bigotry party. But hey, it’s the internet and nobody bought data for anyone, so Nigerians online do tend to talk and engage in conversations, just because.

The result of this is that we have a lot of cringe-worthy, outrightly weird, and ridiculous conversations happening for sometimes a day or weeks on end. And because we do tend to have a lot of them on a loop, I decided to ask Nigerians to share some of the weirdest and most ridiculous conversations they have ever witnessed online, so please, find their responses below.

This was the Ghetto:

When a sex doll went viral and the bbzes were asking ukuthi who's going to cook for men if they have sex dolls. Embarassing. https://t.co/gF06TKbZM8
— Otis Redding Stan account (@buhleh__) April 27, 2021

A lot of people actually agree

"Can a sex doll cook for you?" is definitely up there. https://t.co/iaMCHvdlHv
— This Ken is Manic (@TheBlackHermit) April 27, 2021

& the sextoy one. Chilleeeee the trenches
— Chigozie Obi (@ChigozieObi_) April 27, 2021

Then there is the top contender and a really weird time I pray and hope we never return to.

That one about the mother & wife and front seat https://t.co/hQL9YxMLYW
— Chigozie Obi (@ChigozieObi_) April 27, 2021

“If your mother wants to sit in the front seat and your wife also wants to sit in the front seat…” https://t.co/yqdYVxu6UV
— ĐA℟Ŧℍ SUC₵UBUS (@RICOVI_B) April 27, 2021

Would you iron your father-in-law’s shirt https://t.co/bxdBGeghtl
— Asanwa (@ZoeChibueze) April 27, 2021

I just can’t

https://twitter.com/Ok0cha/status/1387021578093973512?s=20

When did this happen though?

Bonnet gatekeeping. https://t.co/umMju3Ajf0
— Jojo Mojo💙 (@jojoxcvii) April 27, 2021

Yeah, this was a pretty weird, but actually instructive moment

https://twitter.com/Olumuyiwa__/status/1387022151065219075?s=20

Uhmmmm

https://twitter.com/iAmNdukwe/status/1387033671832678401?s=20

This was very disturbing

slapping someone because they fried 4 eggs https://t.co/TwEXfuSR40
— realisatrice à demi (@_LOHI_) April 27, 2021

I completely understand this one because who has that time?

waking up early to do 1 or 2 things https://t.co/gwQNKwglLH
— max 🧚🏾‍♀️ (@coldasmaxx) April 27, 2021

Less of this one please,

https://twitter.com/makispoke/status/1387067163937173505?s=20

So there you have it, this is to hoping we fix up going forward.
Sharing spaces with other people can be a really enjoyable experience, depending on who you are or who is sharing that space with you. While some people haven’t had the best stories to share from living with other people, some have really great stories about sharing spaces with friends, strangers, lovers, e.t.c. And below, you can read some of them.

Manal, 25

When I got into law school, I was placed in a room with a total stranger. I didn’t give space to know her when we first resumed, I hardly stayed in the room, I’d go to my friend’s rooms and grumble if she touched my things but since we returned to school after the Covid break, I decided to get to know her better. It was really amazing, we’d share our stuff, buy each other things, read together, etc. We became like sisters and this extended to our flatmates who were strangers to me too, now we’re done with school and I miss them, especially my roommate.

Sunflower, 25

Last September I quit my job and took a vacation out of my city. I could not return home because a lot of things about me had changed and because I come from a religious background, I knew my mum and I would get into countless fights if I shared the same space with her before another job comes along. This was when a friend I’d barely known for six months let me stay at hers without questions. Although I am moving out in a week or two, this has been a blissful experience. I have been treated like family by her and every member of her household. All of my needs are often met and I have had the space to be free and at peace. I never knew living with anyone, especially someone I hadn’t known for so long could be so smooth and without chaos. Painfully she’ll be moving to a new city in a few weeks, but if I could live with anyone again I would want it to be her. I am eternally grateful and have taken a cue as I intend to pay this gesture forward.

Amina, 27

My best experience sharing spaces with someone happened at University. It was with a girl I met in a queue to collect our admission letter. She just saw me standing, called me over, and started talking to me. It was bizarre for me because I had just come from an all girl’s boarding school where everything was about cliques and I never got into one but this girl saw me and just decided I was her friend. She had to go home early so she put me in charge of getting a room for us after registration and I did. It was a small space with 2 bunks and 5 occupants on the last floor upstairs, it was cramped but we made it work. Those were some of the best years of my life. We became friends with our roomies and we had so much fun cooking, gisting, hiking, celebrating birthdays, and taking pictures that we didn’t go to class much and failed woefully. If given the chance, I’ll do it all over again because I felt what friendship really meant.

Eddie, 30

In 2014, I was job-hunting and had to share a space with my friend. It was perfect because he worked a very busy job and we weren’t always in each other’s way. But on weekends, we had an unspoken arrangement where we spent time together. We would fill the generator with fuel, buy snacks, and binge-watch whatever series we could lay hands on. If I spent money on groceries or fuel for the generator, he would always refund them, saying, “shut up, you’re not working yet, save your money.” I attended family events with him since my own family was back home down south. He loved my cooking and I enjoyed cooking for him. His girlfriend was awesome too. One event that stood out was when he took a day off work to take care of me because I was ill. I swear I might have been a little in love with that dude. No one else I’ve lived with was that thoughtful.

Raquel, 27

My partner and I moved in together recently and I think the best thing about it is the constant doting on each other. It’s the first time I am sharing spaces with a partner as a family unit. It’s like always having a friend who cares about you around. We do the groceries together, feed our cat together, cook together, run errands together. I wake up to “hey baby” and forehead kisses and good morning hugs and to be honest, each day is better than the previous one. And because we are a queer couple in Nigeria who can’t get married, living together is the next best thing till we figure out marriage. We live together as a family, us and our pets.

Kirah, 23

I’ve lived with my boyfriend since my HND 1 started in 2019, due to an accommodation problem. Although I plan on moving out soon, The experience has been a rollercoaster of emotions that varies from tears, emotional abuse, support, and encouragement. The best thing I learned living with someone is never ever depend fully on them and always have it at the back of your mind that you might need to move out at any time. At first, my boyfriend catered for everything in the house and when I started working, we shared the bills. He pays rent, I pay for the utility. We shared every bill and that includes the food we eat I can’t say it’s the best decision I’ve ever made in my life likewise isn’t the worst decision I’ve made either. I’ve learned to live with people even when they are at their worst moments.

Dee, 27

My experience with sharing spaces happened when NYSC took me to river state. It was in a village and I was mad about it but had no other choice. While we were all at camp, I met a girl named Yetunde who had her own place in the centre of town. She was very kind and would let me come by after we got close. From spending the afternoons together to sleepovers on weekends. She also had someone else over, so it was basically two people squatting with her. Even when she wasn’t around, we stayed in her crib and she insisted on covering any incurred bills herself. And our trio became really close friends, it was so fun. I learned about privilege and the concept of limitless options rich kids have. I also understood how having a supportive friend means a great deal. She would probably see this but she knows I love her.
We all have bad spending experiences. Moments when we decided that problem no dey finish and that we did not come to this life to suffer. These moments, which can sometimes materialise as buying those shoes you absolutely don’t need or ordering take-out when there is rice at home, can happen at any time. And in other to give us more context on this matter, we asked 4 Nigerians to share their bad spending experiences and what they learned from them.

Sam, 24

There’s surely been a lot of incidents where I blew through relatively huge sums of money and cultivated bad spending experiences but one that has stuck with me the longest happened in 2016. There were a lot of Ponzi schemes out at the time, I was never really a fan of them but a friend convinced me to try them out. Going by his words, I decided to test one of the schemes out with a relatively small amount of money, and I did get my returns in 2 weeks. I immediately became a believer in and soon, I started investing my entire life savings in a couple of other Ponzi schemes. Altogether, I invested about ₦700,000 and started splurging the balance because I was expecting over a million in returns.

But almost as if on cue, all of them started to “enter water” with my money. I was gutter-broke! I drank garri so much that sometimes I wasn’t even able to afford the garri. But in all, we give God the glory.

Queen, 24

One of my major bad spending experiences happened in my final year of university. In my first year, I had money coming from home, my uncles, and from a man who was trying to be my sugar daddy. I was living really well. I wasn’t eating students’ food and was always staying in hotels. After a while though, the man who wanted to be my sugar daddy left because I wasn’t interested in him and life became relatively hard. Then in my final year, the year of Ponzi schemes, I made a lot from “Ultimate cycler”. Those Invest ₦12,500 and get ₦50,000 in returns scheme. I was among the first people, so I made close to a million in two days. I however didn’t save any of the money I received and went back home broke. Imagine having a million and only going back home with just ₦20,000. Now, I save a lot and don’t take chances.

Anne, 23

In 2017 which was my second year of university, I joined a youth/student church and I was really into it. I was in the choir and in leadership training and on almost every other committee. They always asked us to pay tithes, honor your prophet offerings, prophetic seeds, buy choir uniforms, contribute to the church building fund, and contribute to the outreach programs. Two offerings were collected at every service and around this time my father usually sent me a minimum of $500 (₦230,000) every month and he asked me to make sure I saved, but I was instead, using most of the money to cover church expenses.

I wasn’t buying myself nice things or going out either. There was just always something to pay for at church. So when the time to pay school fees came around, my dad asked for my savings from the money he’d been sending me and when I could not account for anything, I didn’t know how to tell him what I had done. When I eventually told him how I spent the money, he was so angry with me that he even threatened to send me back to Nigeria. Eventually, he forgave me and sent the tuition money but he cut my allowance by half for a couple of months. I found it very difficult to survive back then because there were still church expenses I needed to pay and the half allowance was never enough to make up for them. I eventually left the church because it was becoming too much. How could they be comfortable collecting so much money from students who weren’t even working? Ever since then I’ve learned to live by my means and put myself first when it comes to spending my money, anything outside of my budget is a no for me.

Ginger, 25

So I studied at one of those private universities. And during the Easter break, I wanted to visit Lagos with my girlfriends, as was the culture then. But since I wanted to avoid see-finish. I saved for months as the budget was ₦150,000, for each of us. Trust me, that was a lot of money back then. We spent a week in Lagos, went clubbing, strip clubs, house parties, beach, ate out, met celebrities, went wild for a week. I don’t regret anything, it is actually one of my most memorable memories My advice is if you’re in school and you are young, go wild at least once.
Nigerian parents are known for being very no-nonsense, that is a given. But there are times when they do show that they are our parents and that they care about us. In this piece, we spoke with 5 Nigerians on moments when their parents helped them out of the craziest situations.

Yes, we know it is not very common, but it is a possibility and the stories below confirm that.

Reyna, 24

About Nigerian parents showing up when it matters, when I was in 300 level, I met a really nice guy. He was God-fearing, caring, and most importantly, he had sense. At first, my relationship with the boy was smooth, and everything was going well, he was the perfect partner until he wasn’t. He started doing drugs and in time, I would occasionally join him. During our final year, I found out he had joined a fraternity. I talked to him about it but by then there was nothing I could do. He started threatening me, getting jealous, he would isolate me from my siblings, and was extremely violent. He even shot one of my male friends at that time. I didn’t know what else to do and at that time I was already giving my mom details of what happened. My mom was my best friend so she practically knew everything about me, I hardly left out any details of the things I told her.

At first, she didn’t know what to do and we couldn’t tell my father as it would get out of hand. But one morning, she showed up with his mom. We had an emergency family meeting. My mom was crying and begging on her knees with his mom, asking him to please leave me alone, that I had a better life ahead of me. And after a long time of that, he agreed to leave me alone, and that was the end of that part of my life.

Tinuke 23

It was in 2019 and I was doing badly in medical school. It affected my mental health and me very suicidal. My Nigerian parents sat me down and I told them I didn’t want to go back there. They agreed and my dad went back to my university to begin the process of my “dropping out” while my mum stayed with me throughout to ensure I didn’t do anything to myself. They had spent a lot of money they didn’t have to get me to that point, but they said they just wanted me alive. That break really helped me and it took a long time before I got my sanity back. It’s still a process, but I hit a benchmark in healing towards the end of 2019 and it has been slow but steady and upward since then.

Lola, 31

I had always been a very rebellious child growing up, but I am changed now, thank God. Thank God. When I was in my second year of university, and I was partying so much that I failed the entire semester. A friend had promised to hook me up with someone that could make change my grades for me and I was deceptively asking my dad for the cash. He kept asking what I needed the money for and after a while, he showed at my school and my dean told him everything. My father didn’t yell at me, he just called me, paid the school fees, bought me enough food, and hugged me goodbye. My G.P went from 2.1 to almost 4.

Akin, 35

In 2002, I was arrested by the police for running a police recruitment racket. I was detained for almost 3 weeks and interrogated to give up the names of the other guys that we were running it together but I refused. They refused to grant me bail and insisted that the matter will be charged to court. Even though my father was a senior police officer, he refused to intervene at first. He had always told us that if we ever got into trouble thinking he would bail us out because he was a police officer, he won’t do such. It was my mother that was running around trying to see all she could do. I spent the Christmas of that year in police detention.

My mother was able to talk to another senior officer that my father respected a lot who spoke to him and together he and the other office alongside my mum were able to get the officer in charge to drop the case against me and I was released and allowed to go home after 3 weeks in the police cell. I saw my father cry for the first time after I was released and I got home. That was the day I made a promise that I was never going to make my Nigerian parents cry because of me again. If they would ever cry, then it will be tears of joy. And that is how it has been since then.

Chidinma, 23

Sometime last year before the pandemic struck, I had just started a business and when the pandemic started, it ruined everything thereby forcing us to stay home. After four months of trying and failing to sell from home, I delved into another line of business but I had no capital to start. I really needed money and I couldn’t figure out how to get it. I was sceptical about telling my parents at first, but later, I told my mother about it (she does business too, so I needed advice and tips from her) and was prepared for the usual discouraging words. Surprisingly she was supportive and was happy about it. So I just opened up even further and told her the genesis of the whole business and the trouble I was facing. Some days later, she surprised me with an alert of 50k and also agreed to buy some of my wears for people so I could use that as a stepping stone(customer reviews) for my new business. That meant a lot to me and saved me from possible debts.
What are the meanest things we did while in school? Many of the memories we have of being in school – from primary school to the university – have at one point or another involved bullying or one mean behaviour or another. Sometimes, we are the victims of these behaviours, and other times, we are the perpetrators.

So we spoke with 8 Nigerians on the meanest things they did while in school.

Teni, 23

When I was in Jss 3, during intro-tech class, I whistled and the teacher asked who did it, I refused to own up to it. He got upset and threatened to punish the entire class if the culprit didn’t speak up and true to his words, he made us all kneel outside in the sun all day. We were all in the school’s courtyard and although some people cried, I still refused to confess.

Kasa, 25

I had this literature teacher that scored me badly one time and so I spent every waking moment gaslighting her. I would correct her English, constantly disagree, roll my eyes while she taught, spit in her water whenever she asked me to get her some. She couldn’t get anyone to punish me because no one believed I could do anything like that, plus she was a junior teacher. I hated her so much that I gt my mum to complain and she eventually left the school. Not my proudest moment but she wasn’t exactly the best person either. She scored me badly consistently and I knew I was smart because the previous teacher who was more experienced always gave me high scores.

Sandra, 23

So because of my handwriting, my teachers would usually leave their lesson notes with me and have me write on the board for others to copy. But we had more boys than girls and due to my small stature, most of the boys would refuse to copy the notes down and so I had to find a way to deal with them. I would divide the board into two and on the first part, I would make my handwriting smaller than usual then when I get to the second part, I’d start writing with bigger handwriting. Then I’d clean the first part from the bottom while they keep shouting that they are still writing. I’d be like that is none of my business, I have written the notes for all of you, and I’d tell them to take it up with the teacher when they come to class. After a while, they started paying attention whenever I jot things down on the board.

Cletus, 21

We got a new french teacher after the old one suddenly left. This was the first time our new french teacher ever taught anyone, so our set used that against her. One time, she was meant to teach class D after a free period but once she came in, she saw the class emptied of the chairs and tables except for one chair and table which faced the white board with the words ” you can teach yourself” written in french for her. Apparently, the class had used their free period to do all of that. We heard she broke down and cried. After that day we didn’t try her again and made sure we gave her utmost respect.

Uyai, 18

I was a bully to a lot of junior students while in school. I was known for everything from punishments to cheating when serving food to beating them. I wasn’t very good at controlling my anger so whenever a junior disrespected me I switched and I’d beat them. I wasn’t scared of fighting as I was always ready to fight anybody. I’m very sure my name would still ring bells in my secondary school. I changed school a lot. I was in a military school for like a term and it was hell because seniors dealt with us. They had so much power they could do whatever they wanted. I wasn’t always wicked but after going through that I wanted to be that one with power the person that everyone feared and respected so going to the next school, that was the mindset I had.

Ayo, 21

I had a girlfriend who broke up with her love interest, and the love interest (also a girl) still went ahead to insult my girl. So I wrote a very mean letter to her new love. Her name(she’s also female) had a kolo in it. It was a two paged letter and I wrote that she was “Kolomental as her name implied”, that she’s a third-hand grade Okrika cloth. That’ she’s cheap, ugly and she and the other girl deserved themselves. I went ahead to call the other girl a local champion and a church rat too. I wrote that she pretended a lot and that she was from a bush village in Calabar and that she likes to overperform her asthma attacks.

It’s been almost 7yrs and I can’t remember all the contents of the letter, but I know there was a huge uproar that night because of it. All her classmates saw and read the letter, and they wanted to beat me that night, but I stood my ground. People talked about that letter for the rest of the term.

Bobby, 28

I had this girl I really liked although she wasn’t conventionally gorgeous. She liked me as well and I guess she got tired of us just liking each other and brought up a conversation about how we both felt. At the time, I was an insensitive potato so I told her I couldn’t be with her and expressed (in really mean words) how insulted I was by her thinking something could happen between us.

Chris, 29

So I had gone to school with those rat traps that had a clamp and pin. The type that snaps and holds the rat down. My school was semi bougie and I was coming from a different background. The pupils in my class didn’t know what the rat traps looked like so I brought one to school. I was like an inventor that day, they were marveled at this engineering. Now, my class had a bad belle Prefect who didn’t like that I was being a star.

She went to report me to my form master and that one said she should seize the trap and take it to him. When she came to take it from me, I set it inside my school bag and told her to take it out, long story short, she was in tears with blood dripping from her finger and I spent the rest of the day in the staff room carry out various types of punishments.
We all know using a bank in Nigeria is tough, and that poor customer service is mostly to blame. From misinformation to general unhelpfulness or simply ignoring your Twitter DMs only to respond a few months after you have resolved the issue. The issues Nigerians have with customer service at Nigerian banks are endless, and so we spoke with 5 Nigerians to share their experiences with it.

Frankie, 28

It was in Ecobank Abakaliki and the customer service team there was so insensitive. To think that I was just a student then. For some weird reason I couldn’t withdraw, and I had borrowed money from a coursemate with the hope that I’d be able to withdraw from the bank. But when I get there, I still couldn’t withdraw. I was still calm and went to meet the customer service team, they asked me to come back on Monday since it was already Friday. I had no means to go back home and I was going to starve for a whole weekend if I couldn’t access money. Omo, I brought out the Lagos agbero in me and they were instructed to give me 2k from their pockets for me. I gladly accepted and went my way.

Oluwanisola, 21

Mine wasn’t just the customer service. It was the whole bank. I went there to liquidate my savings last week. The person at the gate allowed me in but the savings lady wasn’t around so I had to wait for her outside. When she arrived, she texted me to come in.

Would you believe that the gateman, the same one who allowed me in earlier, wouldn’t anymore? The dude said I should call the lady and give him the phone to speak with her. I was out of airtime and he was unwilling to use the landline n the wall beside him. He said there was no service to call. Omo at that point, I began screaming. “Madam calm down,” he said. Eventually, he went inside to ask and let me in. When I got to the lady’s table, I realized there was n chair so I asked where I could sit. She shook her head as though it was normal for customers to stand. She shook her fucking head. I looked around and saw that other customers at the customer service department also stood. I overlooked and explained what I came there for. In two minutes, she gave me an answer. Two minutes! In two minutes, she told me what she could have told me on the phone when I called. I asked her why she didn’t give me an answer over the phone instead and she replied, “It’s money we’re talking about here. I had to see you face-to-face.” In the 21st century? It’s like piggyvest asking me to appear at their office because I want to withdraw my funds. I am closing my account with them soon.

Seun, 24

So sometime in April 2018 towards the end of my NYSC in Awka, I made a transfer of 60k from my bank to another of my accounts using a different bank’s ATM card. The cash didn’t drop. It was a Thursday I waited till Monday and went to the bank to lodge a complaint. I was asked to wait for 14 working days for it to be reversed. It was my last week in that state so I returned to Abuja. 14 days came, nothing. I went to my bank’s branch in Utako to lodge another complaint and I was told, they did not lodge any complaint of that sort previously. So I had to wait for another 14 days. The 14 days came again and nothing so this time I started calling their customer care lines literally every day, and they would either they not pick or they wouldn’t give a reasonable explanation. This back and forth and numerous bank visits would go on for five months and it wasn’t until I threatened to drag my bank online before they decided to take action. Still, I had to wait for another 3 weeks before they reversed the money.

Maria, 20

I had an encounter with GTB when I wanted to pay my JAMB fees. I’m not and will never be a fan of that bank but it was the closest at the time. On getting there, I asked where to go for payment and I was directed upstairs. I was on the queue for about an hour before I was attended to. I then told the cashier that I wanted to pay using Remita and she said “we don’t use Remita.” I told her that I asked from the help desk downstairs and she insisted they don’t. I almost cried because it didn’t make any sense to me.

Another experience happened when my mom wanted to hand over my account since she opened it for me when I was a child. First Bank did me wicked. I wrote letters, filled forms, was asked to bring this and that, I went there like three times that week. When I thought I’d start getting alerts, my mom got them instead. At this point, I was ready to go there to fight. But, before I could show them my fighting skills, the lady who attended to me called and was like she needed me to bring my valid ID card that she was sorry she forgot to collect it the last time I came. By the time I went the day she told me to come, I was told that she was writing an exam so I had to go the next day again.

Hebi, 22

So when I was in Nsukka in 2017, my dad sent me cash for rent, and my account was blocked because it was a student account and the 90k had exceeded the 50k single deposit limit. I was not told all this when I opened the account initially. I went to the GTB in Nsukka, laid my complaint and the woman asked me to bring my documents to confirm that I was the account owner. I had just started schooling there and had not been issued a school ID but I had my acceptance letter, jamb print out, and local government ID. Presented all this to her and this woman said that without the school ID she could not help me. Meanwhile, my landlady was already threatening to give the place out to someone else.

The customer care lady checked my BVN, confirmed I was the account holder, looked at my other documents saw that everything matched, and told me that the only thing she could do for me was to close the account. When she found out that I had opened the account in Port Harcourt, she said that she could not help again because I could only close the account at my opening branch. That’s how I borrowed 10k and made the trip to PH the next day. Got there and these people took a good 3 days, 5 if you include the weekend to close this account and give me my funds. By the time I got back, the landlady had rented the apartment to someone else and I had to start looking for another place from scratch.
Adulting. Who on earth invented that concept? They have to go back to their mood board to revise the entire structure of this really exhausting lifestyle. Particularly the part where you have to pay for everything you didn’t really know had to be paid for. I mean who knew pipes don’t fix themselves. Or that you actually have to buy new trash bags when they run out. Don’t even let us get started on the price of mattress or curtains or rent! All in all, being an adult is the ghetto.

To be sure that we are not the only one in this problem, we asked five Nigerians to share their most expensive brush with being adults. Read their stories below

Tayo, 22

Growing up, I was really into sports. I still am. But I used to be so reckless and I didn’t care very much about injuries or my glasses. If I got an injury, I would just go into the hospital for treatments or get new pair of glasses if I needed one because my parents had an insurance plan. But recently as an adult, I needed to get an eye test and new glasses. When I saw the bill, I was so scared because I wasn’t even expecting it. My glasses cost a shit load because of how it is for me. so just my lenses cost about ₦75,000 and the test was ₦15,000. The cheapest I could get cost about ₦35,700. I learned for the first time all this time I was just doing anyhow.

Olamide, 20

To be honest, since I started adulting, things as cheap as deodorants seem so expensive now that I pay for them. When I was younger, my dad always got them for me, from body lotion to roll on, perfumes and body wash sometimes sanitary pad, but now that I work and pay for them myself I feel like those industries are extorting us. I’m a student in Port-Harcourt but I go to school from home, I run a tye and dye business and because it pays well, my dad felt I could start paying for some little things myself. I like it though because sooner or later I would still have to as I am almost done with school.

Ayo, 29

I moved to Lagos from Ogun state in the middle of last year. When I got here, I had rented an apartment around Ago Okota, Lagos. The house is a 2 bedroom en suite flat and it was my first experience getting an apartment in Lagos. Then came the problems, house rent is about ₦800,000 excluding other charges, all in all, it was about a million Naira. Omo that is way too far from what I pay for house rent in Ogun state which is usually around ₦300,000 a year, and even though my new job can support the rent, it is still a wild bill to be paying.

Katherine, 23

The first time I experienced adulting in this way was when I moved to a school hostel in 200 level of university and had to redecorate my room. Nobody told me curtains were so expensive or that the little hook things they use to hang them at the side are also equally pricey. Now when I had to buy a mini-fridge, the prices the vendors called almost wrecked my bank account.

Jill, 24

The one thing I didn’t know was so expensive before I started adulting was Printer Ink. At my first job that was one of my tasks (stocking office supplies) so I needed to get the costs and prepare a memo. I called someone at a printing supply store to ask and omo If I knew that was the price maybe I wouldn’t have been printing Hannah Montana pictures to use as posters for my room then.

There is also, of course, medicine, they are actually so expensive. This one time, after gathering adult energy to take myself to the clinic, it was time to buy the prescribed medications. When I got to the pharmacy and the I was told that the prescriptions were worth over ₦20,000, I told the pharmacist abeg cos him and who? Small sick oh. He legit laughed and had to reduce and substitute here and there.
“I am an alpha male.” At some point in our lives, we’ve had the misfortune of hearing that line or something close to it. It is a line and a concept loaded with acts of misogyny and sexism, and to understand how it affects everyday people, we spoke with 8 Nigerians to see what it is like dating someone who buys into the concept of being an “Alpha” male.

Read their stories below.

Kachi*, 27. Straight,

I was dating this popular/semi-famous guy and because he always seemed down for spontaneous things I ended up being attracted to him. It was a full-on situationship. Anyway, sex was amazing but I started to notice how much he enjoyed it when I play-resisted him; he would get more and more aroused by ‘no’. He enjoyed controlling my body, but it was all consensual so I didn’t think much of it then. Things changed when I stumbled on notes he had written, describing scenarios where he had manipulated situations to get the right reactions from me (to be clear, most were situations of him trying to make me feel good but I found it interesting how he claimed responsibility for even situations where I had made my own decisions). He also had notes saying how he was the alpha in this situation; how I was a nobody with no life ambitions, how he was the dom and I was the sub that needed to be controlled and put in her place.

It was crazy to me because zero of his actions ever reflected those thoughts. He had just merrily kissed me goodbye to go run an errand the night I saw the notes. I waited for him to come back, pretended that nothing had changed. He tried to initiate sex that night, and when I said no, it was as if he didn’t hear me. For some reason, I wasn’t worried or scared, I just looked him right in the eyes, and said no one last time, then I went to bed. Obviously, that was the end.

Wendy, 24. Pansexual,

So, I dated this guy three years ago and he initially claimed to be the biggest feminist ally to get to date me. Then we started dating and he remembered he was an “Alpha male”. He started trying to be the final authority on what I do with my life. Next thing he started to pick fights with me saying stuff like “all you will ever get are weak men who would just use you for sex” to scare me into not losing an Alpha male. Eventually, when we broke up he told a friend of mine that we broke up because I refused to let him guide me and give me direction in life.

Emily, 21. Straight.

He was attractive but ill-mannered. When asked any question, he would literally shout at me, saying he’s an alpha male, and generally making me feel I had to be quiet. He was also emotionally abusive with an anger problem. It took my friends repeatedly telling me how disrespectful he was for me to finally move on. When he hit on my friend, I confronted him and he threatened to beat her as a punishment as he was an alpha male. Omo Abuja boys are wild, and his sexism was so irritating because it worked in putting me down many times

Tara, 25. Straight.

I am a feminist, a very strong and devoted one but it’s like that opposites attract saying is my whole life. Who have I dated that is not sexist or misogynistic? But the most sexist and misogynistic guy I’ve ever been with was the guy I was with a couple of years ago. He did a lot of things like slut-shame women including me. I would tell him that a man used to try to date me and he would go dig up dirt about the person. Then say, it’s because of the way that I am that such a randy man could think he could get with me. Also, he was really broke and I was the one always paying bills.

We would go out and I would pay cash but the attendant will give him the change and I would try to correct the attendant but he would tell me I was overreacting. We had a major fight about that and this was when I paid for a service with my card and the attendant told me to stay back and he should come to input his pin and I started shouting at the attendant that he was a sexist pig. My boyfriend told me I was doing too much and it wasn’t that deep. Omo, I wanted to run mad. It was a horrible experience. I broke up with him not quite long ago.

Chidinma, 24. Straight,

I dated this man when I was 20 for about a year and he was obsessed with the gym. He would work out a lot and pretty much mock me every time we went to the gym together for not lifting as much. When he fell sick and lost his muscles he became a different person, it was like he needed to show he was still stronger and every time we had a quarrel during the period, he would tell me how he wouldn’t marry me again.

He just kept finding ways to put me down because I could still go to the gym and he couldn’t. Now that I think about it, it was a very problematic relationship. He was very “Christian”, so when I wouldn’t do as he said he would come with the submission line and say he could marry me.

We lived together for about a month because he had accommodation issues and that was when I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. He would complain about me ordering food and would tell me that his mother would have to “train” me for one year before he can marry me. He wanted to impose his dominance all the time, he wouldn’t go out with me if he didn’t have money then he graduated to taking money from me without asking or paying back because he was the head and “what do you need money for, you’re a woman”.

Onyinye, 19. Straight,

I dated a man sometime last year. He was an Igbo guy in his late 20s. He was someone who never listened to me and always took my opinions as inferior. There was a time we were just talking and I said “omo” and he started asking if we were mates. I had to do everything he asked even when I was uncomfortable with it. Even when he did something wrong or something I didn’t like, I couldn’t speak up because he disregarded it and always turned things around to make me feel guilty. Luckily, I was able to leave the relationship this year.

Ronke, 19. Asexual,

I was with a guy who was in an ‘open relationship’ and he claimed to be over the babe but still didn’t break up with her. Also, the relationship was only ‘open’ for him because he didn’t let her do stuff with other people, and to make matters worse, he wanted me to be exclusive with him but he kept doing whatever he wanted. He once implied that I was fucking my brother because my brother used to drive me everywhere and that made him really jealous.

Tireni, 23. Straight,

I was seeing this guy that was very sexist and misogynistic. In his defense, he was 15 years older than I was and I didn’t stay long enough for it to manifest properly. I met him randomly one day close to my estate. He picked me off and dropped me where I was going. I don’t usually enter rides, but it was really hot that day. Very nice guy, obviously much older, but I like older guys so I didn’t mind. We exchanged numbers and he started calling me. We went out a couple of times and it was pretty harmless.

Then he told me about how he bugs his girlfriend’s phones because he needs to know they’re faithful to him. That was weird, but he’s a security operative so I let it slide.

Then he asked me to come over to his place one day to chill. Next thing I know he told me that there’s beans in the cupboard and moi-moi leaves on the sink. That I should go and cook. He was like am I not a woman, that it was my major job to make my man happy. Then I got a new job. This job was certainly going to be more tedious and stressful, but also very engaging and interesting. A big step in the right direction to my dream job. He insisted I turn down the job because it’ll make me busy and that I won’t have time for him. After that day, I accepted the job and blocked him everywhere.
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

Nigeria has a housing problem. Apart from the data and research that backs up that statement, the reality of this is easy to see in our everyday lives. With overpopulation contributing to the housing palavah in states like Lagos to the general problem of affordability this is a problem we cannot deny. Samuel C. Uzoigwe, a lawyer with expertise in housing and its related matters, explains that much of Nigeria’s housing problem can be linked to the lack of strong enforcement of housing and environmental laws on the part of state agencies. “Most of our laws regulating housing are yet to be updated to refer modern-day realities.” He says.

To further understand Nigeria’s housing problem and how it affects Nigerians in real-time, we spoke with four Nigerians on their experiences not being able to afford good housing and having to stay in uncomfortable situations or share their space when they would rather stay alone.

Read their experiences below.

Zainab, 21

At my former apartment, I got robbed at gunpoint and some of my neighbors were raped so I had to leave. The only option I had was to rent a house but I had to share it with another person to afford rent. My experience was terrible, she had very poor hygiene. For instance, I had a white carpet I used at my former house and I put it in the room and after she stepped out, she would step on with dirt and would not bother to clean it up. Sometimes, she would soak clothes for months till they started breeding mosquitoes, and would often not wash her plates for weeks.

To top it all for me, she bed-wetted twice on my mattress and ran away from the house for like two weeks each time, leaving me to clean after her mess amongst other problems. It would have been easier to move out if there were housing schemes in Nigeria that make it easy to pay rent in installments. I’d just moved into the former apartment when they came to rob us so I spent a week there and the owner took months to refund the house rent and caution fee. If I was able to pay in installments, I would have gotten a much better apartment for myself pending the time I got my refund. I left my roommate in the house and started sleeping at a friend’s place for months before I finally got a new place.

Constance*, 21

I graduated from university and after my service, I started job hunting for customer service and receptionist roles to help me save to learn graphics design and or digital marketing because streets are hard and receptionist jobs don’t pay well. I didn’t find a job for the remaining part of 2020 and all the money I saved from Nysc was spent, leaving me broke and sad. I intentionally looked for jobs on the island because I’d much more prefer to work in an environment where I felt comfortable and I like the island even with its dirty water and stinky drainage. I lived on the mainland with my parents then. My big sister had already moved out to an apartment of her own on the island. So I figured I’d stay with her until I get a job, even though I’d have preferred to have my own space.

I did get a job last month and had to resume immediately, which I did. I had to pack my things within 24 hours and move out of my parent’s place to the island. Even if people can pay rent in installments, It’s still gonna be hard. A lot of people are underpaid. Most of the monthly salaries go to transportation, a discouragingly low amount goes to savings and the rest goes to the family and utilities A lot of people wouldn’t be able to cope regardless.

Emily*, 28

I had to share a flat with someone who was involved in cybercrime. His communication always came off as rude. It took me six months to set up my space in the kitchen as I never felt comfortable and after I did, I would cook and drop my food in my room to avoid getting poisoned. After the 8th month, I had to move out just for that sense of safety. Well, to think of it, if there were better housing schemes, options for installment payments, it would have been easy to move out. I know for a fact I wouldn’t have stayed that long.

Sarah*, 23

I live with my parents in Calabar. I’ve gone to school here and have lived here all my life and it seems like there’s no escape. I recently got a low-paying job but I’m just trying to make ends meet at my own end. I was able to gather enough money to get a house but my parents were against it. Talmabout, I won’t give you my blessing to leave the house. I would have relocated but I’m also a coward. I can’t think of going to a new town with almost no money to sustain myself, and I’ve been saving for forever to get the liver to get out of my parent’s house. I’ve been having this back and forth for 3 years now and I’m embarrassed of myself.

I’ve put the end of this year as a goal to get out of their house. Because my mental health is at stake. And the worse part is that we don’t even stay in the main city, we stay in the outskirts, it can pass as a proper village. We’ve not had light for 8months and for me to get network, I have to hang in the protector in my brother’s room. A fair housing scheme would make it easier to move out, paying house rent in full is so much struggle, and it’s just not rent involved in getting a place. You also have to furnish it. But on the other hand, I view anything with installments as a scam because in most cases, you end up paying even more in the name of installments.

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

A few weeks ago, we asked you, our readers, to tell us what stories you would like for us to cover on Citizen Zikoko and someone mentioned that we explain the roles of the Nigerian Vice President. And we said, why not?

Job description of Nigeria's Vice President.
— El-Kun (@Kunle_rocks) March 16, 2021

Like many of you, we are also often wondering what exactly the role of the Nigerian Vice President is in government, and today, we will be answering that by sharing some of the VP’s functions.

In reading this, you might be surprised to learn that, unlike our current VP, a Nigerian Vice President’s duties do not necessarily involve walking around wearing AirPods and posing for pictures where they look as though they are attending to paperwork(?).

It is also important to know that their job however is a huge function of how much power the President decides to delegate to them. Yeah, and this is according to the 1999 Constitution Of The Federal Republic Of Nigeria. Here are 5 functions of the Nigerian Vice President.
1. Exercise the Powers of the President in the capacity as Acting President:
The Vice President, according to the constitution, is legally permitted to assume responsibility for the President under any of the circumstances listed in the Constitution. For example, when the President travelled for a medical checkups and the Vice President as Acting President fired Mamman Daura as the DG of DSS.
1. Exercise any other powers delegated to him by the President:
The Vice President’s role also involves carrying out functions or exercising powers delegated to him by the president. This could be anything from representing him at executive meetings to giving him the power to spearhead projects the president would normally have to oversee.
1. Participates in all cabinet meetings and chairs it in the absence of the President:
Just as we mentioned in the previous point, much of the Vice President’s work involves standing in for the president, particularly in cabinet meetings where he meets with the ministers. The cabinet also serves as an advisory body to the president.
1. He is a member of the National Security Council:
The Vice President is a member of the National security council which handles the country’s internal and external security affairs. It is not clear how much authoritative power he has in this regard, but by virtue of being a member, he is part of the decision makings.
1. He chairs the National Economic Council:
The Vice President chairs the national economic council which was established by President Muhammadu Buhari on 29, June, 2015. The team meets monthly and acts as an advisory committee to guide the president on economic issues affecting the country and providing solutions to rectify them.

So there you have it, I hope now we know there is more to our Vice President than photoshoots.

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As someone who just moved into a new place, the next best thing to living in a place of your own is having all the things you need to live comfortably in it. And in times when you are unable to afford that fluffy couch or that overpriced shelf on Instagram, getting housewarming gifts is always a close alternative. They could come from friends, family, love interests, enemies – I honestly wouldn’t know as I didn’t receive any when I move – but regardless of who they come from, they certainly hold a special place in your house.

Below, we spoke with 7 Nigerians on the best housewarming gifts they have ever received and what it meant to them.

Olorogun, 29

The best housewarming gift was having sex with this girl I really liked. This was in 2018 and she was living with family out of town and so logistics made it hard to see each other often. But when I told her I was getting my own place, she was willing to fly down and have sex the night I moved into my current place. How it made me feel? I mean, it was good knacks so I was pleased I’d “launched” the new apartment appropriately.

Nana, 21

The best housewarming gift I received was 75k. It was from a really nice woman and it was my first house. I was 18 at the time and I had just moved to a new city to start school and I didn’t really have friends because of queerness. I wanted to find queer friends first, so I met this woman one day on my way home. There was traffic and it was raining a bit I think. She was driving and she picked me up and offered to drop me at home. We became fast friends even though she was almost twice my age, and I started to tell her a lot of stuff (she was my only friend) one day I told her I needed to shop for my house and she drove me and helped me carry the stuff to my house and when she was about to leave she gave me a cheque and said that was her housewarming gift to me. I was very happy and it is honestly still the most thoughtful gift I’ve gotten.

Meredith, 24

So the best housewarming gifts I’ve ever received were from my in-laws and husband’s friends. Everyone knew that I’m a very picky person so when we were moving into the house, we decided to get new furniture and everything since we were still going to keep the old house. A friend of my husband got us the set of 8 Cast iron cookware from Nancy Umeh (Radiance). My mother-in-law got us wooden kitchen utensils with my name customized on them. My father-in-law got us a bar, literally, stocked with expensive wine and stuff. Someone gifted us 2 expensive artworks and another person gifted us bedding from Charlotte Thomas. Others gave a lot of expensive wine and other stuff. This was around 2018/19 and the gifts meant a lot to me. I was very overwhelmed because I had never seen such.

Amaka, 25

The best housewarming gifts I received were in January of last year. A lot of the people I told I was moving to my own place were very helpful. Someone gave me $2000. Another sent me 2 Air conditioners. Then a friend of mine who’s a builder came to check the place out, and he did a complete remake of my bathroom — changed the tiles, put a tub and a rain shower head in, all the works. Naturally, this made me happy and thankful.

Wura, 28

As housewarming gifts, I’ve gotten, a new 4 burner gas cooker with oven, an Air Conditioner, a center rug, a big dresser with a mirror then during my NYSC, my ex actually furnished my apartment then, bed, small gas cooker, those collapsible wardrobes, and foodstuff.

Kasa, 25

One of the best housewarming gifts I’ve ever gotten was from a friend of mine. He not only helped me move but also helped me completely unpack all my boxes and followed me to get groceries, cooked, and fed me. He’s a huge grump so he doesn’t do gifts and presents but his time and his efforts and sacrifice were just so amazing to receive.

Ife, 24

I moved to Lagos and lived with my mom’s younger brother for over a year because I didn’t see the need to get an apartment. Lived with him and his family for over a year and one day, when Nigeria was you know, ‘Nigeriaing’, he and his wife decided to relocate. In a month or so, they were gone – the power of a burgundy passport. Before they left, I got an apartment and moved in – bought a bed and the basics, with the plan to furnish gradually. The week I moved in, my uncle and his wife gave me a couch set, curtains and blinds, a shelf, tv console and some other things to help set me up as housewarming gifts/goodby gifts. My mom came to visit the week after and brought me a fridge, water dispenser, and a microwave as house warming presents. They were things she had at home and wasn’t using, but it saved me so much money.

Essentially, my family gave me things that literally made my house warm and I love them for it.
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

Finally, the Covid-19 vaccine is finally here in Nigeria. And between Nigerians who do not trust the government to give the right vaccine, to those racing to get it while it is still “good”, many other Nigerians have been getting vaccinated and we decided to learn what their experience has been like.

Personally I will never agree to take the #COVID vaccine in Nigeria not because I doubt the efficacy of the vaccine but because I don't trust the people that the vaccine are under their care- Nigerian govt.

I find it hard to believe that people that deliberately hoarded Covid
— Richard (@chocozhere) March 6, 2021

I need to go and look for vaccine this week before they start injecting you people with Ribena
— Kung Fu Conny (@TheConradJay) March 22, 2021

“It’s quite unrealistic – and a bit funny – how there’s so much pressure on the Covid-19 vaccine to possess near-magical abilities and make one immune to Covid forever when that is not what many vaccines do. A vaccine gives your immune system a boost, it introduces a non-dangerous but still quite stimulating version of the organism to your body so your body can produce cells that fight it best.”

Says Ada Anatune, a medical doctor here in Nigeria who has been on the frontline and has received the Covid-19 vaccine.

In addition to the experiences you are about to read, you can still visit the National Primary Health Care Development Agency’s website for more information on how to register for the vaccine.

Dammy, 24

I got my Covid-19 vaccine on Friday afternoon 19th of March at the Ikeja, Primary healthcare center. When I got here I registered with a doctor online, was given a card. I got called, took the injection, was told to register for my next dose.

It wasn’t painful, and I felt fine until midnight when I was down with a fever, chills, headache, loss of taste. On Saturday it got a little better with pain at the injection site. On Sunday, 20 March, I still feel weak but it is all feeling a little better.

Nazom, 21

I have lost family and friends to Covid so I understand how important this vaccine is. My family and I got to our primary health care center around 8:30 in the morning. We were given numbers and were told to wait.

Luckily we were among the first 15 people so in less than an hour we had received the first shot, were given our cards, and were told what date to return for the second shot. During the day, I just slept, ate, the usual, but by evening, roughly 12 hours after I received the shot, I developed a headache and some parts of my body ached.

I didn’t give it much thought but then within an hour, I had a mild fever. The general body pain was so bad that I had to plan whenever I was about to stand up.

I didn’t bother using meds cause I just figured it was vaccine-related. I was able to get some sleep although I kept waking up at random times. By morning the next day, the pains had reduced but I got dizzy every time I stood up from a chair or a bed(basically every time I had to get on my feet.) By evening, however, it was all good.

Chiebuka, 26

I heard about the vaccine much like everyone else. I was exposed to COVID-19 twice and have been following the vaccine news quite closely on media outlets. When the COVAX dispatch arrived in Nigeria, I signed up to get vaccinated on the NPHCDA website and waited to receive scheduling details. I initially thought that priority would be given to health workers and essential workers, but then I started to hear that anyone could get it. I had an internal battle with myself about whether it was ethical to go ahead and try to get the vaccine. I talked about it with my family and decided to go ahead. (Ethical battle because I’m young, not an essential worker or frontline worker, and with the previous infection probably have short-term immunity for a few more months) I initially went to the Oshodi Primary Health Care Centre at about 12:30. There was a crowd of people there (about half of his crowd were Indian folks). They weren’t using the online registration so they’d assigned numbers to people. When I got there, I was told by a security guard that they had stopped handing out numbers because the server was down and they couldn’t register people. (They has handed out 100 tags and were attending to number 27 at the time) I stayed there till about 1:15 before I decided to go and find another center. I had better luck at the NAF hospital in Ikeja.

When I arrived, a nurse asked if I was a health worker or essential worker. When I said no, she asked me to wait and went to find out if they had enough vaccines for the people already waiting inside. After 15 minutes, she let my sister and me in. From there, it took maybe 10 minutes for an office to call me up and register me. She’s asked my age, house address, if I was pregnant e.t.c. And then I got the shot. Minimal pain. I got a vaccination card as well. They kept a copy. In terms of the aftermath, I was sick – intense headache accompanied later in the day by full-body aches – the whole of Saturday but now I am fully recovered. My next shot is in June.

Ada, 23

I took the vaccine a couple of days ago. On the day of the jab, we were each led to a room with community health care workers who did the whole thing (please bear in mind that I am talking as a healthcare professional working in a big private hospital, this is not how it works on a general basis as you would normally have to get yours at a Primary Health Care centre). We each got a COVID-19 vaccination green card, got the vaccine, and did an online registration.

I felt fine the first few hours afterward. There was some mild unusual tiredness that evening but I attributed it to work. When I got home that day I noticed that the injection site was tender and raising that arm hurt a little, so I took paracetamol and hoped for the best. The following morning was when the party really started.

I woke up at about 4 am the next day with a low-grade fever and mild joint pains. I got up from my bed and realised that there was some weakness. I washed my face and went back to sleep with the hope that it would clear soon. This lasted a few more hours and I basically slept through most of the duration of the symptoms. The joint pains went away but the fever and weakness lingered till the evening of that day, and I had to take two more doses of paracetamol while at work. By night time, I was 95% back to normal. I’m back to myself fully as I write this, and it has been 48 hours since I was jabbed.

Chinua, 40

Got my vaccine on the second day Lagos state started vaccinating. We were only about 6 at the health care center. I am a doctor so I was the first to get the shot. It was actually painless and had to look at the cotton wool for blood spot just to be sure I got the shot. An hour after I got home, I had a fever and chills, so I took a nap and when I woke up I was okay. A day after that, I developed aches at the site where I was given the shot but that resolved 2 days later and it’s all good now.

Tega, 27

So I’m a health care worker, and honestly, I was indifferent about taking the Covid-19 vaccine even though I got to work where the virus mostly resides; the mouth. Sometime last week, the hospital management threw a “celebration of sorts” to welcome the vaccine to the hospital and we were all required to attend. I didn’t go sha because a part of me felt the vaccine wouldn’t be enough to go round so why bother? Also getting to know that it was the Astrazeneca brand that was available didn’t even help in my decision but thanks to a friend who practically dragged me or rather we dragged ourselves to go take the vaccine.

The vaccination process was in itself like the routine process of taking any vaccine. I got to the venue, wrote down my name and age, waited for my turn, presented my upper arm and prick! It was done then I took my card and left. At this point, I was glad I had taken the vaccine but then I got really worried about any side effects that might arise but then my God did not shame me; your girl felt okay, no fatigue nor the fever another friend of mine experienced when she took hers. It’s been 3 days post-vaccination and I feel fine and looking forward to the self d dose in 4 weeks.

Sharon, 35

I’m a healthcare worker and it was mandatory for all members of staff (some people refused though as it wasn’t publicised in the media.). I live in a state where the Government and Health Commissioner insisted that there was no Covid. We still believe they didn’t take it, at least not in Nigeria. There was a lot of anxiety among staff as to the quality of the vaccine – we don’t trust FGN and the State Govt. There was also talk on the Oxford vaccine being the least effective and the cheapest (trust Nigeria) I wasn’t bothered though. My colleagues in the UK and the US had already received it and I have plans to japa and I anticipate that it may be a necessity in the near future, so I was happy to get it.

My Mum was really worried and advised me not to take it. But because I told her I would, she made me promise to take coconut water immediately after the vaccine. She sent me a forwarded WhatsApp message touting the benefits of coconut water. I laughed it off but she made my husband call me as well. My colleagues had a good laugh. But you know what? A lot of them had distressing side effects and I didn’t. So WhatsApp medicine 1: 0 Vaccine.

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

What would labour look like in Nigeria if all workers were covered by the current Labour act? At the moment, the act only considers someone to be an employee only if they are under a contract of manual labor or clerical work in the private and public sector. In other words, the Act does not include people whose roles are administrative, executive, professional, and technical. We spoke to Christian Nwachukwu, a Nigerian attorney and a lead at TalkCounsel on the importance of the act covering all workers, including sex workers and people with non-conventional job descriptions.

Below are some of Nwachukwu’s thoughts on the subject.
1. Economic Incentive: “Assuming the definition of “Employee” under the Act is expanded to include administrative, executive, professional, technical and sex workers, the economy would witness an economic improvement. That is, more people will be willing to work because they are protected from substandard working conditions, which in turn will generate taxes that will finance investments and infrastructural developments in Nigeria. Besides, legalizing prostitution extends further than just those involved in the sex industry. Allowing brothels to operate legally and publicly generates substantial revenue for the state as well. The ripple effect of legalizing prostitution and expanding the definition of a worker/employee in the Act to include a sex worker would reduce the number of people at risk of forced prostitution and human trafficking.”
1. Legal Protection: “Expanding the definition of workers/employees to include administrative, executive, professional, technical and sex workers guarantees the under-listed legal protections.”
1. Written Contract: “The labor law states that an employer must give an employee a written contract within 3 months of the commencement of the employment. The cardinal point here is to ensure that the employee is protected by all relevant points being reduced to writing so the employee knows what is expected of him.”
1. Payment of Wages: “With this provision, the employee is protected from employers who choose to pay them with a tender that is not a legal tender. Also, the employee is protected from employers who insist on how and where the employee must spend his/her wage.”
1. Rest Hours, Sick Leave, and Holidays for All Employees: “This provision guarantees, that the employee is provided with an appropriate rest period, sick leave, and holidays to avoid substandard working cultures.”
1. Termination of Employment: “With respect to the termination of employment, the Act provides for minimum notice periods. This provision protects employees from short termination notice and provides them with a substantial term to look for another job or seek redress when the termination notice is short of the statutory requirement.”
1. Legal Redress: “Where a worker is exposed to a substandard working condition, the worker can only seek redress before a competent court of law only if the worker is protected under the Act. In other words, if a worker is not covered by the Act, he/she can’t seek any form of redress under the Act. Unfortunately, in most cases, this would affect the worker’s productivity and mental health that might fast-track the worker quitting the job.”
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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

Getting a job in Nigeria can be quite stressful and when we do find one, it is easy to get swept up by the possibilities of a better life without carefully reading through the work contract we are given. Seeing as most workers in Nigeria are not protected by the Labour act, a lot could go legally wrong and this is why it is important to take work contracts seriously.

We asked Ayomide Adebayo-Oyetoro, a legal practitioner and corporate law expert in Lagos to share five tips employees should look out for when signing a work contract.

Read her insights below:

1. Look Out For Non-compete clauses: “I think this goes without saying. As far as I’m concerned, they are redundant and no organization should use them and I understand that they want to protect their intellectual property. But they are usually a landmine. I had a client whose employer put a non-compete clause that bound my client from working for their competitors and future clients So imagine as you are working for Zikoko, and they do sponsor ads for let’s say, Nestle. Imagine Zikoko telling you you cannot work for Nestle even though they aren’t in the same industry all because they are their clients.”

2. Gross And Net Salary: “I think a lot of people get so excited when they hear their gross salary and then discover their net salary, [which is the final amount left after all compulsory deductions like pension, health insurance, etc have been taken out] isn’t something they can work with. Employees need to learn the difference between the two and it is that they get clarity on that.”

3. Document All Oral Agreements With Prospective Employer: “No he said, she said. You’d be surprised how fast employers renege on their promises. If they say they’d promote you after three months, make sure they write it down.”

4. Let A Lawyer Look Through The Agreement For You: “And not just any lawyer, hire one who understands contracts and knows what to look out for. I know a lot of people skip this part because they are trying to save money but I promise you the amount you’d be charged for contract review and legal advice is small compared to what you’d use if you sign any draconian contract because you were trying to scrimp.”

5. Read The Fine Prints: “I noticed most employees are just concerned with the bottom figure. I know that you want to sign because Nigeria is hard and this is a great opportunity blah blah blah but I’d advise that you Carefully consider the rights you are about to sign away and see if they are worth it. There are employers for example who don’t want you doing side gigs and rightfully so. There are some who want to bring the project to them in exchange for a cut. Different employers have different policies. Just make sure you understand what you have to give up for the job.”

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While we don’t talk about it as much as we need to, queer Nigerians face extreme bullying and violence while in school. Because the system is designed against queer lives, it means that even authorities vested with the responsibility of protecting all students, including queer ones, are either the ones perpetuating that violence or providing support to those perpetuating it.

Below 8 Nigerians share their horrible experiences getting punished or expelled while in school.

Lolu, 22

To start with, I was suspended twice for being queer, and the last time I was told to leave the hostel and attend school from my house (so as not to infect the other students they said). For someone that went to an only girl’s religious high school, homophobia was always the order of the day even for preachers and guest speakers who would come and tell you how you would have HPV and die from homosexuality. The first time I got suspended, it was over speculations on whether or not I and my partner at the time were always making out under the staircase. Then one of my male teachers asked me to tell him what it feels like to touch girls and threatened to tell the school he saw me with my partner if I didn’t. I was caught in the act the second time, for a religious school you’d think they’d be more understanding and want to counsel you but no, they started telling people to stay away from me if not I would infect them with the 8 demons inside of me, I remember being called out on the assembly ground flogged 16 times and how I was made to kneel down in front of a very public place so people could see the face of a lesbian and make sure not to be like me, I saw people laughing at me, showing disgust and even pointing at me with pity. I still have both suspension letters and now I just laugh when I go through them.

Timi, 22

It was in 2016 and I was preparing for final exams. We were on an excursion one time and I made out with this boy. The next morning I noticed he was suddenly cold, later that day, a teacher called me and flogged me, saying I was going about possessing people with homosexuality. Apparently, this friend told him that I was the one who made him fall into sin. About a week later I was called to the Disciplinary Committee, I wasn’t even given a chance to talk, there was nothing I wanted to say anyway, from every angle I kept hearing how I was going to burn in hell, how I can never be redeemed, how I have become a shame to the society. I was suspended from school and they told boys to be careful because I might be looking out for who to possess next. After I came back to school, only about 10% spoke to me before we graduated.

Chioma, 24

So in SS3 1st term, I became close friends with this girl. This was a catholic school. We were just friends, still are and along the line, I fell ill so she took me to her corner for the duration. Took care of me. We became closer, did everything together. She even came to my house during the holidays. Nothing sexual ever happened asides from holding hands and hugs cause we were both pretty religious but apparently our feelings were obvious. One day, some girl woke me from siesta and said that the disciplinary committee was looking for me. I was a labor Prefect so I thought it had something to do with that. Got there and they were throwing accusations around me and asking that I confess to being a lesbian. I denied. For one, I didn’t really believe that I was. Anyways they kept prodding and threatening me with expulsion, that they had eyewitnesses who can swear we were seen making out. They also accused us of being evil, possessed, and corrupting the girls in my friend’s hostel. After the meeting, I called my mum and told her what had happened and when she came, I was given an expulsion letter. I had to write my WAEC from home. After the expulsion, the principal went on a smear campaign. He called an assembly to say all sorts about me. It was ridiculous now that I think of it. I should add that our parents were super supportive at the time. My brother wanted to sue but the principal threatened to withhold my certificate.

Sara, 20

I was in Jss2, so I was around 11 years old and I was in the boarding house of an all-girls school. At the time I was not aware of my queerness, but I had a senior that was particularly attached to me. One morning, I was getting dressed for school and the senior, let’s call her R, spanked me playfully with a hanger and I giggled and that was enough homosexuality for another senior who reported us to the hostel mistresses and school administration for being a lesbian and I was promptly

suspended with no investigation. I was told that the fact that both of us were practically naked and that we were engaging in “sexual practices” should have been grounds for expulsion but my mother fought the case and I was suspended for two weeks and removed from the boarding house.

Lauren, 33

When I was in secondary school, a student organized a get-together for me and my friends and somehow it became something the school tagged a “lesbian initiation.” Before I knew what was going on, I was in the principal’s office with my mother, and I was trying to convince them that I was not a lesbian nor was I a cultist just to avoid being expelled. It was time for final year exams so a lot was at stake. Fast forward to university. I fell in love with a girl and we would always walk around calling each other baby and just loving on each other the way two best friends would. And yet again, we were called to a panel but this time, we were both suspended for a year because the school is a Christian school. My mother was very disappointed and was like “there’s no smoke without fire and that I am repeating the same thing” but she was also supportive. After the suspension, my girlfriend and I returned and had to find ways not to be so in love. It was a whole mess.

Larma, 24

You really won’t understand the humiliation femme boys face in primary and secondary school for just being effeminate. It was a Sunday morning when I was called upon to testify if I knew my then friend was into homosexuality ( unknown to me my friend was caught with another boy the previous night) The news did spread at the time which led me and a couple of other guys to write statements, my friend got withdrawn by his parents, names were called out on the assembly but the “offense” wasn’t said. The punishment was to basically clean and do some menial community work. I finished from the same school, but I never for once stopped hearing untrue gossip that I’ve slept or I’ve been in a relationship with almost all the boys in school and because I was effeminate it worsened the case.

Charles, 21

I was expelled at the end of JSS1 from an all-boys Catholic boarding school. It was not because I was actually caught engaging in sexual activities with another boy, but because I was extremely feminine and everyone believed I was definitely having sex with someone else, or at the very least, it was bound to happen so I might as well be expelled. The worst part is that my parents sent me off to another all-boys Catholic boarding school after that.

Alex, 23

At 100 level I fell in love with a student representative, her name was Mia. For months we were together and after some time people started coming up to me to warn me about the relationship I had with Mia saying that a lot of people are upset about it and that some of the school authorities had started to suspect, so I listened to them and removed my self entirely from the circle. Some weeks passed and some student representatives and a school representative barged into my room and took me someplace for questioning. After so many threats, they eventually settled at saying they just wanted to get me the help I needed and that they didn’t want anything to happen so I shouldn’t be worried they just wanted to pray away the gayness from me. So I believed them because it was a priest that said he just wanted to help and pray for me.

I went back the following day for my pray and deliverance session and the priest nearly ran me over with his car calling me all sorts of names. Different versions of my story spread around campus and I became very suicidal. I faced the disciplinary panel. And two weeks after the panel I was sent home on a semester suspension. Thankfully, I still got a 4.7/5 that semester.

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

Driving or riding on Nigerian roads comes with different kinds of horrors; from traffic to potholes that nearly cause accidents, these are 8 Nigerians’ experiences using Nigerian roads.

Kelechi, 27

I was going to work one Friday when an Uber driver sped past my car on the right and in the process, took out my right side mirror completely.

It was even more infuriating that he didn’t stop to assess the damage so I chased his car all the way past the Chevron Tollgate while blowing my horn like a mad person. When I was able to block his car, I got down, went straight to his side of the car, and motioned for him to wind down. He did. I asked him if he was aware that he took off my side mirror. He said yes in a smug way, and basically said it was my fault. I was enraged and screaming at him, saying that he was going to have to pay for it. He wound up his side window in the middle of my screaming.

I think at that point I could only see white. I calmly knocked on his window and motioned again for him to wind down. He did. I asked him, for the sake of clarity, if he was sure he would not pay for the damage. He looked at me and said he definitely wouldn’t. I said, “Okay”, then I smashed his side mirror with my hand, ripped it off, and tossed it into the expressway.

David, 22

For me, it has to be the time I was driving back from the island. A bus and one car had been doing Fast and Furious for a bit. Entering lanes, cussing each other out, all that. This guy and the conductor were just at each other’s necks. So at a fork junction on the bridge, the danfo hit the man’s car and he did the strangest thing. He got down from his car, in the middle of the bridge, and chased the danfo on foot. The direction the danfo was going had a bit of traffic, but the other side (going down) was free. He now started pulling the conductor down from the bus to beat him and the conductor resisted and kicked the guy in the chest. The man tripped and staggered back into the free lane and a car cleared him. He was unconscious as at when I left, I hope he survived it.

Ronke, 28

So sometime last November, I took an Uber from V.I to Ebute Metta. Left the office a little after 3 pm, I didn’t get home till after 9 pm. I probably should have just ended the trip and walked, but the driver was so nice and kept the AC on throughout without complaining about fuel. My card was connected to the app so I didn’t see the amount till I got the mail notification. It was ₦10,000 and I think I lost my hearing for a few minutes after I saw it.

Iseun, 26

Last October coming back late from an event at around past 10 pm, the roads were not lit but we were going so smoothly. Next thing there was a huge pothole in the road and we hit it. Immediately the driver hit the pothole, I thought for a fact that I was dead. But the driver somehow managed to pull a stunt I had never seen. He diverted the car into the BRT lanes so those curbs were what stobbed the car from flipping. I am glad to have survived, but the cost of repairs was over ₦200,000.

Ayo, 31

We had gone to Osun for my graduation and the trip there was generally uneventful. However, on our way back we decided to go through Epe to get to the island, passing through a village in Ogun State. It was slowly approaching nighttime and unknown to us there was a ritual festival going in the middle of the main road. Worse, women were not allowed to see a particular masquerade at the festival. Panic ensued as the participants rushed to our vehicle and started banging on the window asking the women, my mum included, to bend down. Luckily our driver basically sped off through the middle of the crowd and that was how we were able to evade them.

Ada, 30

Last week, I spent 3 hours in Okada, Edo state because armed robbers were robbing ahead of us. They robbed the first luxurious bus at about 5 am -ish and killed the driver, so all other vehicles coming were packed at the side of the road. No one wanted to cross the luxurious as it was used as a barricade, so we all just sat down waiting for who to go first. All the while my heart was racing, it was a scary experience, just waiting at the side of the road, what if they come out again shooting? We left Benin at 9 am and only got to Lagos, my destination, at 7 pm.

Fu’ad, 29

It was a few years ago and the bus I was in was at a stop in Shagamu. Everyone was buying stuff through the window, getting to know each other. There was an old man behind me who started sharing his experiences with Nigerian roads, robbery, potholes, e.t.c, and soon everyone else began to share theirs. The old man cracked a joke about how, “if Armed robbers even stop me like this, them for vex shoot me become I know get money.” Everyone laughed. Then an awkward silence followed after the bus moved. Most of us slept off, and some kilometers and hours later. Everyone woke up at the same time, but it wasn’t because of daylight, it was because our bus had been surrounded and armed Robbers were shooting. I only had ₦15 in my pocket.

Dee, 23

I got admission into a Canadian institution and had to travel to Calabar to see my mom and pick up some important documents before I left. The plan was to book my flight from Calabar to Lagos. Travel day arrives and I left Calabar by 12 pm. My flight was at 3 pm. It should take less than 2 hours to travel from Calabar to Uyo if the roads were good. At 1 pm, I was still far from the airport and that was where my cry started.

To top that, these army people stopped us and said they wanted to search the bus as some of the villages were in clashes. That took an extra 20 minutes. I was legit was crying in the bus and stepping on my imaginary accelerator. The time was about 2:45 when I finally arrived at the airport. Then Ibom airline said boarding was closed but if I can leave my boxes then I can join the flight. All my pleas fell to deaf ears and in about ten minutes, I stared as the plane taxied away. After wailing the airport down, I just went to my best friend’s house with my swollen eyes. I look back and I just say Tufiakwa! Nigeria was made to suffer its citizens. If Calabar’s airport was functional or if the road was good or maybe if I was able to leave Calabar by 6 am, I would have made it on time.

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

So here’s the thing, contrary to what you might think, some of the things you consider to be extra privileges provided by your employer are actually legal obligations. Yup, read that right.

Some of these things could be your employer creating and contributing to your pension plan or providing healthcare protection, and they are really your legal rights as an employee and you should look out for them before taking up work.

Below are four more legal obligations your employer is mandated to fulfill.
1. Your Employer is Expected To Ensure That You Have A Pension Plan
According to Nigeria’s labour laws, your employer is legally obliged to ensure that you have a pension plan while working for them. They are also obliged to contribute to the pension plan of every single employee working for them.
1. A Health Care Plan For Each Employee
Your employer is legally mandated to ensure that your safety and wellbeing are safe and secure. Through healthcare insurance plans, they are charged with the responsibility of making sure that you have no reason to be worn down by the financial weight of securing good healthcare services while working for them.
1. Each Employee Must Have A Work Contract
Yes, they do. No matter at what capacity they work for an employer. It is important that employees have enough evidence to support their claim if they ever need to take legal steps against an employer. Also by signing a document, an employee’s sense of security with their job is secured and they are able to lay claim to any provisions stipulated in the contract.
1. Terminating An Employee’s Contract Without Adequate Notices As Stated In The Contract Is Illegal
Unless you have it stated in the contract the employee signed, an employer cannot wake up one morning and decide to fire an employee, Nollywood style. If it has been agreed upon during the signing of the contract that an employee is immediately relieved of their duties without prior notice, then this is a different conversation.

In light of this, it is important to remember to read your contracts as an employee or to get the services of a lawyer to read it for you and understand every single detail of what you are getting into. It is also important to know that when you are provided healthcare and pension benefits at your workplace, it is simply because you are legally entitled to them and not because your boss is a nice person. And as you know, in Nigeria, the latter is not usually the case.

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

In a new move that confirms that we are really never making it out of the hood, the Federal Government has increased the price of fuel. Announced yesterday, the price, now at ₦212 from the former price of ₦170, will last the entire month of March.

To better understand this (honestly tiring) situation, we spoke with a business consultant Oselumense Ejale, a business analyst Tofunmi Williams* ( whose name has been changed at their request), and a banker Chidera Promise who provided fact-based insight into what this would mean for everyday Nigerians like us. Read their insights below.
1. Cost of living
Many of our analysts believe that this hike will increase the cost of many Nigerians in ways that will affect their access to power, food, clothing, and other amenities that were already hard to come by before now.
1. Cost of production will increase making their goods more expensive
Business consultant Oselumense Ejale tells us that this hike will make production increasingly difficult thus making the goods and services they sell to us more expensive. “This is for those that have the luxury of increasing their prices (they don’t face stiff competition etc.) but for those businesses whose costs can’t easily be transferred e.g. FMCGs, they will bear the brunt of these hikes in huge ways.”
1. Employers WIll Have To Do More To Make Up For The Increased Cost Of Living
Essentially, employers might need to increase their workers’ salaries even if they are not able to. “The increase would drive the cost of transportation and other basic things higher making it harder for their employees to survive. For example, if you are paid 50k before now, this hike would lead to an increase in everything, then the purchasing power of your salary would reduce. This means what you could buy with 50k would now need 70k to purchase,” Mr. Chsiom, says.
1. And For Employees, This Could Result To Loss Of Jobs
To save cost and stay afloat especially in this pakurumo we are still in, companies might have to retrench their workers. Not only will this add to Nigeria’s rising unemployment rate, but this would also mean more hungry mouths to feed and an increase in poverty levels.
1. Although The Subsidy Is Installed To Help Government Generate Funds, It Will Probably Not Be Beneficial To Us, The People.
“Long term, while there is the case for government frees up its revenue from the absence of fuel subsidy,” Tofunmi says. “Government policies are rarely pro-poor, targeted to the poor. So, the freed-up funds would most likely not get to the people that would be most affected, i.e. the average person. The cost however would be mostly borne by the low and middle-income class. Long-term, if the government policies remain the way they are, this policy action would make them poorer.”

So there you have it. We are not really saying you should Japa, but if you already have plans to, good for you. And if you don’t, when are we setting up our support group for people surviving Nigeria?

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

While creating a Non-Governmental Organization in Nigeria is pretty easy, the process can be rather long and hard for some to figure out. Ifeoluwa Ogunleye, a corporate lawyer we spoke to has seen many Nigerians looking to register an NGO make several mistakes. From not knowing when best to register or what they need to have done before registering. We asked her to share some things you ought to know before registering an NGO and now you can read some of her tips below.
1. You need to have done some charitable work
Before starting an NGO, you need to have done some work for whatever you are setting up an NGO for. For example, if you are setting up a food drive, you need to have done some rallies or a series of notable food drives.
1. The people around the area where the NGO office is set up have to know you before registering
NGOs depend on awareness and it is important that the people within the area where your NGO office is located are familiar with what you do. It also helps when they benefit from whatever cause you are championing.
1. Your Board of trustees has to be financially independent
Because financial matters have been known to bring problems with NGOs, sometimes not being enough and other times being too much that it starts to go missing, it is important that anyone joining your board of trustees be financially independent. This is practical and also beneficial to your enterprise in the long run. It is also helpful that anyone joining your board of trustees is someone who already works within your area of expertise.
1. Invest in putting your work out there
Talk about your work. Network with editors at publications. Attend charity events that will help bring attention to your work. It is important that people know what you stand for and what you are doing even before you decide to set up an NGO. This will make it easier to reach more people in terms of impact and getting possible assistance.
1. Have a network of people who can help you give you access to grants and other related information.
Building a network of people (read government officials) who can help keep you in the loop when the government announces grants would save you a lot of stress. Not only are these people closer to information like this, but they can also legitimise the work you do with their support.

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If we had the power, we would be able to make our birthdays go exactly as we have planned (or not planned) for them to go. But the truth is that days like this are usually never in our full control. Your birthday cake might be delivered on the night of your birthday, your friends might have plans and bail on the plans they pushed you into making, amongst other disasters. So on that note, we asked nine Nigerians to share their worst birthday experiences. Read their stories below.

Yasmine, 22

I had plans for my 21st birthday all laid out, then this guy I was dating insisted on being a part of my day.

It took me a while to let him in, but I thought hey, sharing your special moments with someone else can’t be so bad.

Then about a week before the day, he just ghosted me. No explanations, nothing.

I was such a mess, I didn’t get my hair done, or anything else I’d planned.

To make things worse, the stress from the week made my period late, and guess when it showed up? On my birthday! Imagine your uterus and your heart both trying to kill you. As if it couldn’t get any worse, my performance at work hadn’t been the best given the circumstances. And my boss really called me on my birthday to berate my work. Which was pretty unfair because I’d done a year of great work, I make a few mistakes and instead of asking what was wrong, I got a lecture. I sha stayed in bed and ate cake as a fuck you to my cramps. The moral of the story is, don’t let any man near your special days, especially the Yoruba ones.

Benya, 26

When I was turning 13yrs old, my parents wanted a party but I wanted something small because I was being bullied, fat-shamed, at school and in the neighborhood. At the party, only two people showed up and the Psquare Roll It video came out so when they came around I played it. I did the sexy finger in mouth look and said: I Like It. School resumed and practically everyone was doing that and making fun of me.

Amaka, 24

My worst birthday experience is about to happen. I have a long week ahead and my birthday falls in between so I decided to invite my friends out for lunch.

I invited 13 people and only 3 people are actually going to show.

Plus one of my friends decided to invite my nemesis from high school after which I had to revoke both their Invitations.

I wish I never even planned anything and it has taught me an important lesson about who my friends really are.

Temi, 24

My birthday last year came up when the lockdown was easing a bit. l had a close friend of mine who lives within my area and I planned to cook and just do something small indoors with her since it was a weekend and we couldn’t go anywhere. But luckily another friend of mine traveled down but when my close friend who stays close by showed up later in the day, she didn’t spend so much time with me and ended up inviting my other friend to her house. To top it off, a lot of people on my contact list claimed they didn’t know it was my birthday, just one or two people called, even the anticipating boyfriend called late in the night, same as my family members. I spent the rest of the day lonely and crying and made up my mind never to expect too much from anybody and I really do not anticipate my birthday anymore.

Adaora, 24

When I was 20, I invited my friends, baked a cake, and cooked a feast. Then one of them called to tell me on the day that she won’t be able to show up. The others did not show up and did not bother to call and let me know before I cooked. It still pains me when I think about it because I cooked. I don’t even like cooking but for this party, I cooked a lot of food. I ended up drinking a bottle of wine and mopping in my room the rest of the day.

Then I cried myself to sleep. I am 24 now, I have better friends and I had a nice birthday this year.

I.J, 20

On my worst birthday experience, I was trapped at home, alone without any plans, and unable to speak to anyone because of some natural disasters that happened that day. Eventually that evening, phones started working again and I finally heard from a close, close friend of mine. We spoke for a little bit, they told me they were going to call me back and I never heard their voice ever again. They didn’t die or anything, they just iced me out. It felt extremely weird, being ghosted on a day that was already so lonely but supposed to be special. It also made me realize a birthday is just a day. It isn’t necessarily a day to be happy, despite what we’d like to think. If you’re happy every day of the year but your birthday, that’s okay too. That’s life. At least I didn’t write exams. Thank God, because I didn’t study and that was what saved the day.

Chii, 28

On my 25th birthday, no one remembered. As in, absolutely no one. Not family, not friends, and not my then-boyfriend. Not one single call or message, except generic texts from my banks. I lived alone, so there was no one to even notice me that day. I felt incredibly alone on such a significant birthday. It was worsened by the fact that I was going through some stressors: toxic workplace, burnout, quarter-life crisis, etc. I wept so hard that day; it really did break my heart in some way. Everyone apologised afterward; they all had some plausible excuse for why they forgot. But after that, I celebrate my birthday in my own way primarily, no matter what else anyone’s got planned.

Prism, 21

I didn’t want to do anything on my 19th birthday, but my friends forced me to have a birthday party and so I agreed. I got cake and food and alcohol, and I was clear that it was only for close friends. Only for a friend of mine to show up with 5 or 6 boys and 5 girls. I tried to explain to her that I didn’t want those people in my house because I didn’t know who they were. She got upset and started shouting and called me names and said: “my party was the worst party on earth”. Then she left. That made me feel extremely terrible and ruined the entire day for me.

Zainab, 19

So every year on my birthday, I usually go see a movie. It’s a tradition I started in 2015. In 2019, the year I turned 18, and I was excited. I didn’t want to do anything crazy. Just watch a movie with my friends. My mother, however, had other plans She had promised three cousins to take them out that same day. On my birthday!. So my three younger cousins, my aunt, and my mum said we’d go see the movie together. Then my mother suddenly decided she had to run some errands. By the time she was done, it was about 6 pm. We had to come back home from the cinema. On the way back, we bought pizza (which I paid for with my money).

My girlfriend travelled all the way to come to see me, and I couldn’t even spend my birthday with her because of some stupid thing my mother did. I was so upset. I don’t think I’ve fully forgiven her. I spent my 18th birthday eating pizza and crying.

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

There are some problems many Nigerians face when renting a place in Nigeria. One is the cost of rent, finding a suitable place within one’s budget, finding a fair and unproblematic house owner, and most common being the right ethnicity the house owners might be willing to rent a house to. The issue of house owners in Nigeria refusing to rent out to people of a particular Nigerian tribe or ethnicity is a problem that greatly affects Nigerians yet hasn’t received ample attention from the government.

Below, 6 Nigerians share their experiences with being denied the chance to rent because of their ethnicity.

Esohe, 23

In January of this year, my friend and I decided to get a place together. We were both experiencing new beginnings, so we needed a new space. We started the search online, the usual real estate sites, contacting agents, etc. So I found this apartment in Surulere and contacted the agent. It had been let already but he said he had something similar. I asked for pictures but he said he didn’t have any, I’d have to come for an inspection. I was okay with that so I asked when I could come, and the answer I got was ‘They don’t want Igbo’. I’m not Igbo but my friend is. I love and speak Igbo too. I was so upset and it hadn’t occurred to me, until then that ethnicity could even be criteria. I forwarded the conversation to my friend and she just laughed. I, on the other hand, was of the opinion that all of them–including the land the house was built on–are mad! Because what nonsense? I just told the agent ‘okay’ and moved on to someone else.

Oluwadamilola, 21

So, around 2019, I was trying to change my apartment in school. My school has limited hostel facilities and more than 80% of the students live off-campus, myself inclusive. My former place had water issues and the house-owner decided to look away after collecting rent, that was why I went looking for another place. I eventually found a perfect fit; it had good amenities and was close to my school. The house-owner was almost talking about when I can inspect the room when she randomly asked where I was from. I said “Ondo”. Now, my school is in Ondo state and most people often forget that there is a place inside Ondo State called Ondo town. So, she asked ” where in Ondo” and I responded with “Ondo town, itself”. She said she doesn’t like Ondo people. I decided to be a nice girl and ask why she said that trying to change her mind because I desperately needed the house. She went further with “Ondo people are gossips, not nice, rude, they will be plotting against her, etc” I wasn’t buying it. The second day, I came back to the house again to meet her and asked the question again, mummy later confessed. Apparently, her daughter once dated an Ondo man and according to her, she took the dude in question as her son. When the said dude got to NYSC, he broke up with her daughter. She never gave me that house. Basically punished me for the sins of a stranger I don’t know. It wasn’t until 2020 that I finally found a new apartment

Michael, 25.

Where do I start? I moved to Lagos after I got a job in late 2018, so naturally, I had to look for a house after a couple of months. I paid an agent and we started searching. We found a couple of houses but they were too old for my liking, I was using Abuja standard to look for a house in Lagos, mumu. After two weeks of leaving the office during lunch break, and trekking under the sun to check out houses, we finally found a fairly-new and decent-looking mini flat. I was ready to pay on the spot, you know but we had to first get across to the landlord. I got credit for the agent and he spoke with the landlord, and the first thing the landlord asked was, “Is he Yoruba? I only rent my house to Yoruba people.” Yo, I was confused. Like, why is this a requirement? Is it so that he’s able to communicate properly? But he asked in English. I tried so hard to rationalise it but it didn’t make sense. The agent wanted me to claim I was Yoruba but I refused. It pained me but we had to keep looking.

Joy, 19

In 2018, while my dad and I were looking for vacant houses around Unilag, we saw one we liked but the day we went with the agent, the landlord wasn’t around so we couldn’t finalize everything that day. Only for the agent to call us later to tell us the house-owner doesn’t want Igbos in his house. We didn’t even bother to ask why.

Amaka, 27

I needed to rent a place closer to my office. I approached an agent who took me to a beautiful block of flats. The compound has two-bedroom flats, 1 bedroom flats and self contain apartments. I love the 1 bedroom flat and wanted to pay. The owner of the compound refused. He is a northerner and he told the agent he doesn’t want a single lady in his compound. After almost two weeks of back and forth, he eventually accepted for me to take the self-contain apartment. Because I like the compound, I decided to take it. only for me to get there to pay, he asked about my ethnicity and I said Igbo, he lost it and practically chased me and the agent out, shouting that he will never rent to an Igbo person. All this happened just yesterday.

Chinua, 29

I was looking for a house for almost 6months until I finally found one last year. When I went with the agent to see the house-owner we really bonded when I told her I was a medical doctor. I felt God had finally answered my prayers, it was exactly what I was looking for. As I was about leaving she asked me to write down my number because her phone battery was dead and when she saw my name next to the number, she screamed “Iro o” meaning No or God forbid in Yoruba. Apparently all the while I have been introducing myself as” Dr. Chinua” she was actually hearing “Dr. Sina”

She started screaming at the agent and telling him she doesn’t want “Omo Igbo” I was so disappointed, this is a lady that practically loved everything about me until she got to know my ethnicity. I couldn’t believe that this was still possible in present-day Nigeria. And the funny thing is that the woman is a retired teacher so she is definitely educated. But this means that I still haven’t found a place and have to live with my parents until I do.

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

It’s another International Women’s Day , and while it is a great opportunity to celebrate women around the world during women’s history month, there are still so many ways Nigerian women would like to see this day celebrated. It is not enough to create banners or launch a corny IWD copy, Nigerian women would love to see actual, structural change effected through new laws and policies.

Read on to find out what laws Nigerian women are looking to see changed or created to better celebrate Internatioal Women’s Day going forward.

Mo, 21

The government should throw away stupid laws like women in the police force needing to seek permission before getting married. We’re long overdue for a new/revised constitution. It makes no sense that women can’t pass citizenship to their husbands. I don’t know who wants to be a citizen of this dirty country, but still. They also need to take out that nonsense law that says any girl/woman that is married is deemed to be of full age.

Myra, 23

My greatest hope is for the laws around abortions to be changed. So many women have died and continue to die from ‘backdoor’ abortion procedures and the government keeps deceiving itself that it is preserving some kind of morality. We are way past that. We cannot stop abortions from happening because the consequences of pregnancy for some women are too great and there is no 100% prevention method therefore we need to make the process safe and accessible.

Bunmi, 30

First of all, Nigeria needs to begin from the ground up. Start by ensuring every child is enrolled in school, and that every child who has their period has access to clean menstrual instruments. Also, fucking ban the states that allow any girl to be married before 18.

Oluwadamilola, 21

I’ll love to see sanitary product prices reduced. The government can subsidise taxes for companies making them. This is to ensure that girls from poorer communities can afford it. I school in Adekunle Ajasin University in Akoko, Ondo state, one of the most rural parts of the state, and me and my friend run periodical campaigns to donate free sanitary pads to secondary school girls there but it is never enough. It is an eyesore to see those girls go to questionable lengths to get money for sanitary pads monthly which are #700+ depending on the product.

Dalu, 30

For me to say what changes I would like to see Nigeria make would imply that I actually believe they would make any changes. Instead, the changes I intend to make in Nigeria include making not just physical health care, but also mental health care more accessible to people regardless of their social and economic status, ethnicity, and finances. I would like to create awareness around the need to address mental health issues in Nigeria. I would like for every Nigerian to have ready access to mental healthcare and actually understand the importance of it.

I would also like to be free to love who I choose, how I choose, and where I choose.

I want the laws that restrict members of the LGBTQ+ community from living the lives they desire, with the people they desire to be totally wiped away.

I want a society where a woman doesn’t feel the need to look over her shoulder every time she steps out of the comfort of her home. I want a country where terrorists are not glorified, whereas upstanding citizens continue to live in abject poverty. I want a society where people pay attention to accountability. Let people be called out on their filth. I want a Nigeria where I do not feel stifled and oppressed on a daily basis. And so help me, I would fight tooth and nail to achieve as much of these as I can.

To believe my government can affect any sort of real positive change would be delusional of me.

Lade, 20

I want Nigeria to create better workspaces. Paid maternity leave (and some paternity leave so women with partners don’t have to do all the work alone). Also, I think every woman (and persons who have periods) should have at least one day off every month. The first day of the menstrual cycle is actually hell and it’s ridiculous that women have to work through it. And better education about women’s reproductive cycles in secondary schools, please. I hate that everything I know about my body, I had to read on the internet. I grew up knowing absolutely nothing about my body. Didn’t know how to calculate my cycle, didn’t know how menstruation affected my body and moods.

Timileyin, 20

Section 131 of the 1999 Constitution lists the qualifications for the office of the president using the pronouns ‘his’, ‘him’, and he which suggests that only a man can be president. This should be reviewed and female pronouns should be included. Weeks ago, we all saw a female police officer who was sacked because she’s pregnant as the law states. Women are also not guaranteed equivalent positions when they return from maternity leave. This shows that the laws were not even created to benefit women at all but this is the 21st century and these laws have still not been reviewed. Instead of the Vice President of our country and Nigerian Banks posting silly fancams, these laws should be looked at. I also read somewhere that labour laws restrict women from working night shifts, asides from wanting this law changed as this is in fact not practical, labor laws that protect women in different working positions should be created and enforced.

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

After Godiya and her husband’s unsuccessful attempt at getting a child through pregnancy for a year, they decided to adopt one instead. Although Godiya has always been pro-adoption, broaching her partner with the subject was another case.

“When my partner and I decided to have kids we realised we would need assisted fertility to conceive. I refused to go through with the treatments and opted for adoption while we keep trying naturally,” the 28-year-old says. “This caused quite the ruckus, I don’t think men spend any time thinking about what life might mean for them if they are unable to father a child. It was a huge blow for him especially but thankfully he was not opposed to adoption.”

One of the problems they encountered apart from coming to terms with having to adopt a child was Nigeria’s cultural perception regarding adoption, with many of the family members they spoke to regarding their decision, mentioning that they were too young to be considering adoption.

“They felt we should keep trying and adopt as a last resort,” the 28-year-old says. “So you can imagine all the tough conversations we needed to have.”

Another issue they are facing now, as they are still in the process of adoption, is the uncertainty that comes with not knowing whether or not the state they are looking to adopt from might find them good enough to adopt the child they want.

“There’s a lot of uncertainty there but I’m happy enough with it. Even with a biological child, there are many uncertainties so that’s pretty much given. Plus If you go through adoption legally, it’s never a quick and easy process so you’d require a ton of patience,” Godiya says.

According to the Child Rights 2003, to adopt a child in Nigeria, the prospective adoptive parents are expected to be at least 25 years of age and at least 21 years older than the child. Married couples may adopt if both parents are Nigerian citizens. A Single parent, however, must have attained the age of 35 years and they can only adopt a child who is of the same sex as them. At least one parent is expected to be present during the adoption process to be able to establish a parent-child relationship with the courts before the final adoption procedures. It is also important to note that the process could take up to a year.

Although Nigeria ranks as the 7th easiest country to adopt from, the cultural perception regarding adoption still places natural birth processes above other means of having a child. But seeing as children and child-rearing is important to many cultures in Nigeria, it is no surprise that adoption is still the preferred alternative for prospective Nigerian parents.

For many, it is a less controversial option to surrogacy – which hasn’t been legalized and leaves many of its participants with minimal legal protection – and has been co-opted by human traffickers to create baby factories that put the lives of unwilling mothers in extreme danger and put their babies up for sale for anything between ₦700,000 to ₦1,000,000.

Speaking on the process itself, Godiya explains, “Adoption in Nigeria is a rather long process to be honest and from what I’ve seen it varies by individual. In my case, my mum went to the ministry of women’s affairs in Delta state where my family resides to get the initial approval. They said it could not be processed there because we are not from that state. We had to go to our state of origin. So she went to Anambra state, the same ministry of women affairs, and got the approval. The approval here is just the ministry affirming that you can put in applications to adopt with orphanages in the state. They would give you a document to that effect. The document also states the specifications of the child you’re interested in adopting. Mum took that document to about 6 different orphanages. We got application forms for these places and then WE wait for the call that says, there is a child that meets your specification. My mum was really involved because at the moment my husband and I are outside the country. But we really want to adopt from Nigeria. It took a couple of months for us to get the call but eventually, we did.”

Now Godiya and her husband are going through another set of applications. These include police checks, medicals, and a court appearance due next week “to begin processing foster care papers for the child we are hoping to adopt.” Godiya also explains that if the paperwork happens without a hitch, she and her husband would be able to take their child home on a foster care basis as the Anambra state ministry would not process full adoption papers until the child has been properly fostered for about 4-6 months.

Eleojo* who was adopted over 20 years ago ( in 1996) when she was two tells us that her adoption process was a lot less complicated. “My mom is white American and my dad is Nigerian. They married when my mum was 41 and my dad was about 32 so by the time she wanted kids it was late. I don’t think the policies for adopting children were as serious as they are now. They simply asked a friend of theirs to help refer them to an orphanage and she found the place in Kubwa. I was among the three children they had to choose from. My mum told me that when she came to talk to me, she felt drawn.”

Eleojo* who is now 27, also explains that the process was made easier because her dad is a lawyer. Because there weren’t that many adoption agencies at the time, the process was officiated by the orphanage. Her parents were asked routine questions about what they did and how much they earned, they also had someone stay with her for about a week just to make sure she eased into the family system without trouble. “This was because my dad already has a son from his first wife who died during childbirth,” Eleojo* says.

In spite of the – expectedly long and thorough – processes involved in adopting a child in Nigeria, Godiya is geared up and open to the stress. And although they haven’t physically met the child Godiya and her husband are set to adopt, they have been able to form a connection with her through a series of video calls. As Godiya says, “Overall the experience has been stressful, physically, emotionally, and financially. Adoption is not an altruistic walk in the park, but regardless we are delighted to be doing it, we feel like we are able to do something meaningful with the curveball that life threw me on our parenthood journey.”

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As told to Nelson

A few weeks ago, I made a call for stories on grief and how Nigerians have experienced it, and the way they handle it. The call not only got a healthy level of interest, the first story we published on the subject also reconfirmed my belief in the unifying body of grief. But it is not enough to just say that people feel grief, I am also hoping that these stories — for as long as Zikoko allows me to keep writing them — will bring us closer to understanding how other people are navigating grief and perhaps teach us how to navigate ours.

Today, I spoke to 21-year-old Eliakim whose family rarely talks about the people they have lost and how that family tradition affects the way he feels grief and how he is navigating it moving forward.

For as long as I’ve been alive, my family has lost a family member every other year. My mum had 8 siblings but now, there are just two of them left. They all died of various types of cancer. My mum has also had a cancer scare twice. Being alive is tiring, but I don’t want to die at the hands of cancer; I’ve seen what it has done to my family, and it’s not pretty. You’d think that my family members would be very good at handling grief at this point but no, they never talk about all these people we’ve lost. They just shake it off and move on.

We never bring up their names and it sucks to see. How is it so easy to forget people who meant something to us when they were alive? When I was much younger, I often asked my dad why our family members kept dying and he told me that sometimes, God always calls his favourite people home and we shouldn’t question it. As young as I was then, it sounded weird to me, and since then my relationship with God died a miserable death. In 2015, however, the weight of grief really hit me when I lost my big mummy, God I loved that woman.

She was my mum’s older sister and she suffered a lot while she was sick. I was too afraid to go see her before she died, I regret that. She had ovarian cancer, and two years before that, her younger sister died of breast cancer and that took a toll on everyone’s finances.

So when she got ill, they didn’t want to get it checked and just kept going to church and praying until it got worse. Although her husband was really well to do, he was also a serial cheat who often spent money on his side chicks but never seemed to have enough for his wife’s treatments. He eventually paid for surgery here in Nigeria and it got removed.

But just as she was getting better, they found it again and at this point, it was already too late for them to operate. If only my uncle, her husband, had sent her outside the county. He had the money for that, and if he had used it, maybe she would still be alive now.

It’s been 6 years and I’m still not over it, I talk about her to my baby cousins that never met her. I only got around to seeing her resting place in 2019 and it shocked me, I still can’t believe that she really is gone, she’s not just out of town for a while, she is actually gone.

It was like everyone had moved on and I was there just accepting the reality. That was why I actually started going for therapy. My therapist told me that if I didn’t let myself feel the grief no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, I’d never move on. And so to connect with her in some way, I write her letters and talk to her about things I’d usually have told her before. She is the one person I know would have accepted me for who I am and if she did, no one would argue with her.

I am Non-binary and queer, and when I was younger I declared that I wanted to cut my hair and wear only pants and stuff she forced my mum to let me. Maybe she was just being dotting but I know that I would have been able to come out to her. It’s weird but sometimes I hope I never get over her death. It would feel like I’ve lost her forever, it already sucks that I sometimes forget what she looks like as it is.

To deal with my grief, I also talk to my siblings, share stories about her. When I have money I will definitely open a charity in her name, she was such a giver, I’m not but I try to be.

Before therapy I used to break down about it a lot, I’d smell her perfume randomly or see someone that looked like her and I’d almost lose it. In 2019 they finally opened her room door to clear out her things, when I entered I felt something leave me. It was near empty, her room was never empty, she always had people around, it was dusty and all her clothes and shoes and things were dying. Nobody could bear to keep anything, we gave it all out and just kept the things that we couldn’t part within the room. It’s still closed and I still can’t go near it

Grieving will never really end, it will change you in ways you’ll never understand, but it helps when you allow yourself to feel all of it at your own pace.
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

Sarah* grew up displaced. Her mother had her when she was 19 but her biological father was unwilling to take responsibility. When Sarah’s mother remarried, however, her step-father immediately assumed a fatherly role.

“Robert* married my mum, was at the hospital the day I was born, and signed my birth certificate in the presence of his brothers and my family. Here’s where it gets complicated. My Biological father, Ifeanyi*, was aware of my birth (how could he not, he lived next door) and did next to nothing,” Sarah* remembers of the incident. But for all the good intentions Sarah’s step-father might have had, the adoption was not legal and that made it possible for Sarah to be passed around between her mother and biological father who later returned to take responsibility.

Who Owns A Child In Nigeria?

To answer this in the simplest term, a child belongs to the parents. Kingsley Esene, the lawyer we spoke to regarding this conversation explains that the case of child custody has several distinctions. “For those born within wedlock that is both parents witnessed when the child was born, the child belongs to both parents. For those born outside wedlock, some customs used to hold that the child doesn’t belong to the father but to the mother until the father does the needful by paying the bride price on the mother and marry her. However, the constitution of Nigeria has put a stop to such a custom or practice because it provides that nobody should be discriminated against based on the circumstances of their birth. And where a custom and the Constitution clash, the Constitution will always prevail being the supreme law of the country.”

In Sarah* case, she found herself caught between a father who wanted to salvage his regret and a mother who didn’t have the social capital to sue her daughter’s father to court so as to gain full custody.

“My mother used to live in a large block of flats where my father’s flat was, but when she remarried and moved away with me, she would bring me back to visit my granny at that same house.” Sarah* did not know why her mother decided to keep her close to a man who had rejected her, but she does remember that during her visits, her mother allowed her to get close to her biological father who she referred to as Ifeanyi* and only considered to be a kind relative.

“Maybe it was guilt or semi-fatherly love, but he always took care of me. He’d take me out, buy me toys & clothes, spoil me, etc. And I loved him, I just didn’t know he was my biological father. Nobody bothered to inform me, I guess I was too young.” Sarah* says.

But soon enough, her biological father relocated after marrying someone else and for a long time, she didn’t see him. But he maintained his presence in her life through the money and presents he sent to Sarah* and her mum.

“When I was 11, he called my mum and said he’d found a private school for me. I wrote their entrance exam, passed, didn’t think anything of it. Then, my mum told me I had to go live with him and his wife. That was the first time she ever told me he was my father. I didn’t want to leave my mum and stepdad and move away, but the reality was, if my mother hadn’t complied, Ifeanyi would have taken me away.”

According to the law, “a mother has a right to the custody of an illegitimate child to the exclusion of the natural father of the child. For a father to be awarded custody in such a circumstance under the common law, he must establish that the mother is unfit to look after the child.

Under the Customary law, if a woman has a child by a man to whom she is not married, the proper guardian of the child who is entitled to custody is the father of the mother, and this is so even if the child has been legitimated by acknowledgment of the father.”

But Sarah* knew that if her mother had gone to court, her biological father would have, in Sarah’s words, “destroyed her and I probably would have never seen her again.”

And so she lived with her biological father for half a year and her mum had visitation days that eventually didn’t work out. “One day, my mum showed up and asked me to go with her otherwise she’d never come back again. Being an adult, I know that wasn’t true, but I was 12 and scared so I went with her. She didn’t inform Ifeanyi & that seemed to be that. I spent 2 years with my parents again, and slowly, Ifeanyi got visitation once again. No legal boundaries or stipulations which turned out to be another mistake. On one of my visits, Ifeanyi took me to write another entrance exam (His Modus Operandi).

I passed, but this was for a boarding school in another state. The next day after my results were in, all my stuff was packed and I was herded off to a different state without my mother’s knowledge. She eventually got to locate me, but by then it was too late and I guess she decided it was better if I had a stable education without moving. She still tried to get me back but it wouldn’t be until I finally left my dad’s house of my own volition.”

The Best Way To Go About Child Custody In Nigeria?

Culturally, legal custody agreements between Nigerian parents are rare and have only begun to change in recent times. The downside of this is the devastating effects it has on the children involved. Children, who are often treated as pawns in a vicious game. And according to the legal experts we spoke with, taking these issues to court would not only cut down on the constant back and forth common with parents who are unsure of where their rights and access to their child begin and end.

It would also prevent the child/children from emotional trauma and provide the child involved with some level of autonomy. It is essential that legal documents covering everything from custody to visitation to child support be arranged for any co-parenting to work. Legal boundaries must also be set and obeyed, and there must also be representation for the child as well.

As Sarah* says, regarding her experience. “Nigerian parents must think their kids are dolls of puppets without feeling, otherwise, I don’t know how they can out children through the agony of their acrimonious fights. My father used his money and influence to try and strong-arm my mum, and my mum denied him access to me in very petty and low ways. They’re both full of blame but at the time, I didn’t know that.

I thought it was my fault, some days, I wished myself dead so I wouldn’t have to deal with all the bitterness and fighting. Some part of me still resents them but I’m getting over it. I’ve met other people with similar backgrounds like mine, some are well adjusted, some are just broken children on the inside. I hope more of them come forward to tell their story.”

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

In November 2019, 24-year-old Kola* visited his Local government office to register for his national identification number (NIN). When he got there, the staff told him that they weren’t working as one of their members had been slapped. “I was like, why should that stop everyone from working? Then I tried to call the line of their bosses [that I found on Twitter] but the line just kept ringing, and I never got a response,” he says of the experience.

Kola* had been hoping that someone with more authority would mediate the situation and get the staff working again. But that never happened and he had to find another local government office to complete his registration as he needed his NIN to unfreeze his bank account at the time.

Lydia is another Nigerian who has found the process of reaching out to a local government to be virtually impossible. “In September last year, I needed to produce my tax identification number for work.” the 25-year-old says.

“I decided to go to the state’s website and read up on what needed to be done. The website was [and is still] a mess. Broken links, incomplete pages, no links sometimes, and unclear information. Then I decided to call the local government’s helpline. I called these people consistently for over a week and it would ring but the handler would end the call on me. I kept trying to reach them and eventually one day the handler sent me a message asking me to send them a text. I sent a text message and until today no one has responded.”

Why Is The Local Government So Important?

The local government is designed to be the most immediate channel through which Nigerians can reach the government. Nigerians have the right to engage with their local government chairperson regarding any changes they would like to see happen in their environment. Some of the functions of your Local Government include:
- construction and maintenance of roads, street lightings, drains and other public highways, gardens, open spaces or such other public facilities as prescribed from time to time by the House of Assembly of a state;
- The naming of roads and streets and numbering of houses;
- provision and maintenance of public conveniences, sewage and refuse disposal facilities;
- registration of all births, deaths, and marriages.
But how often do Nigerians reach out when they need to make a complaint about the poor state of the roads in their neighborhood or the deplorable state of their local government schools?

Kingsley Esene, a lawyer we spoke to believes that the communication line is not as strong as it should be. “Many Nigerians hardly reach out to their representatives even though at the National Assembly there is a mechanism put in place that can enable you to know and be able to reach out to your representative,” he says. “If you take 10 Nigerians and ask them if they know their rep like senator or house of rep, maybe it is only 1 out of the 10 that will know. We are not a politically conscious people as we might claim to be.”

Why Are Nigerians Unwilling To Reach Out To Their Local Government?

For many of the Nigerians we spoke to, the main problem is the lack of strong communication structures. There is also the case of many not knowing how best to reach out to their local government.

“The thing is I’ve never bothered with anything that has to do with an inquiry in my local government because I feel it’d either be a total waste of time and money or I’d just get frustrated and finally, aired.” 20-year-old Tobi* says. “If I ever go to my local government for an inquiry of any sort, just know I was desperate.”

Kingsley Esene tells us that the local government’s limited power, which is often overshadowed by the state government’s authority is another factor that slows down progress in communities and makes communicating with our local government difficult. “The way our federalism is being run, our local government is almost none existent. The state government has assumed most of the responsibilities that ordinarily should be for the local government. The reason for this also is because the local government does not get its allocation directly from the federal government like the state government.

The allocation goes to the state government who in turn gives whatever they like to the local government. And because many of the local government chairpeople are stooges to the governors, they don’t say anything or fight back when they receive their allocation. So most of the allocation that much local government gets from the state is just going into satisfying recurrent expenditure,” he explains.

How Can This Be Fixed?

Kingsley Esene believes that any necessary change of attitude towards how Nigerians communicate with their local government officials will begin with building stronger communication structures and ensuring that people have minimal trouble reaching their representatives.

“If we had a functional local govt system, the complaints will be attended to faster since your local govt is close to you, there will be in a better position to access that complaint and address it. For example, some inter street roads that are bad can be repaired by the local govt but you see such roads still being repaired by the state government maybe after waiting for years here is supposed to be like a public complaint department or office in every local government.”

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

If you have been wondering why #RescueJangebeGirls is trending on Twitter, then this is the post for you.

Just last week it was #freekagaraboys, today we have a new hashtag #RescueJangebeGirls, who knows tomorrow what hashtag we will come up with? Perhaps one for ourselves when we get caught up in one of these daring attacks. This is sad & heartbreaking, I feel helpless & hopeless 😪
— Peacock (@dawisu) February 26, 2021

What Happened?

Over 300 female students of Government Girls Secondary School, Jangebe in Zamfara state were kidnapped by unidentified abductors.

How Did It Happen?

According to the latest reports on the case, the abductors invaded Talata-Mafara Local Government Area of the state where the school is based and shot sporadically in the air to scare off residents before invading the school. All of this began at around 2 am Friday, 26, February.

The Commissioner of Security and Home Affairs, Alhaji Abubakar Dauran in a brief interview with the News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) confirmed this development in Gusau on Friday.

“I can confirm to you now that we have sadly received the report on the abduction of the students of GGSS Jangebe and right now, I am on my way to the school.” He said. “At this moment, l cannot say how many students were taken away by the gunmen until l get there, but we have already mobilized security men and members of the vigilantatè who are now in pursuit of the abductors.”

How Are Nigerians Reacting To This?

For many Nigerians online, the rising cases of abduction are becoming increasingly disturbing seeing as a similar incident occurred a few weeks ago with the abduction of over 20 students who were abducted by armed bandits from a school in Niger State.

Bandits: We Are Fighting Because Of Neglect Suffered After Abacha's Death pic.twitter.com/QvHmXhyuI7
— Daily Trust (@daily_trust) February 24, 2021

https://twitter.com/Mareeyarhh/status/1365231237925916672?s=20

https://twitter.com/iamunscramz/status/1365212542566608896?s=20

Bandits is a very complimentary name for people who do the horrific things we read about. I wonder what will be left for terrorists to do if ordinary bandits can do all these.
— Babanla (@biolakazeem) February 26, 2021

https://twitter.com/ministerbarny/status/1365231303734476808?s=2

Right now, there are no new reports on this case but you can check back later today for updates.

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

You remember a few weeks ago when the Central Bank Of Nigeria issued a policy that bans commercial banks in Nigeria from engaging in any cryptocurrency-related transactions? Well, I am pleased to inform you that, in spite of all of our shouting and outrage and dragging, CBN still has us on an aired dfkm level and it seems the ban is here to stay.

Why? On February 23, the CBN governor, Godwin Emefiele came out with a new statement on the cryptocurrency ban. This statement, which Nigerians online are outraged by per usual, was made during a Senate Committee on Banking and offered new reasons why the ban will remain and how the CBN perceives crypto-currency in general. Below, we provide three points from his speech, and all we can say is we are really in God’s hands at this point.

I don't think the CBN Governor fully understands the concept of money…. But hey, he can do no wrong. He is the CBN Governor.

Lool out of thin air.
— Morris Monye (@Morris_Monye) February 25, 2021

https://twitter.com/Daddy_Nomso/status/1364849662428143617?s=20

I am shocked by the CBN governor briefing on Cryptocurrency.

This here is why Nigeria economy is in a total mess.

Visiting https://t.co/7Y5PgCvQS2 would have resolved this ignorance that crypto is from the thin air.

💔💔💔💔 pic.twitter.com/xg3Lb2E9NX
— Tosin Olugbenga (@TosinOlugbenga) February 25, 2021

The Ban Is Not Getting Reversed.

We meant it when we first said that. If you were hoping that the CBN would have come to realize the importance of Cryptocurrency in a digital world, well keep hoping. It is obvious that the Central Bank is still adjusting to how instrumental Cryptocurrency is in making money more flexible and suited for a changing world and we are just going to wait until they get with the program. Do we know how long it will take them to get it? No idea, he didn’t say.

The CBN Doesn’t Think Crypto-Currency Is Legit Money

And no, we are not kidding. TO put it in Emefiele’s words, “Cryptocurrency is not legitimate money. Cryptocurrency has no place in our monetary system at this time and cryptocurrency transactions should not be carried out through the Nigerian banking system.”

The Governor did not, however, explain in detail why the CBN considers Cryptocurrency illegitimate money. It would have been interesting to know seeing as there is documented evidence that cryptocurrency is in fact, a legit digital currency.

According To Emefiele, CryptoCurrencies Are A Tool For Dubious Transactions

Again in his words, “Cryptocurrency is used to describe the activities of traders in an electronic dark world where transactions are extremely opaque, not visible, and not transparent. These are people who deal in transactions that do not want to be trailed.” It’s the way that sounds very adamantly-ignorant-Nigerian-parent-esque for us.

On the plus side though, the Governor made it clear that this move is to ensure the safety of Nigerian bank users and stakeholders and that it will continue to investigate cryptocurrency activities to better understand the processes involved.

If this makes you angry, remember this is Nigeria. Whatever you see, take it like that.

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As told to Nelson

Unlike most emotions, say sadness, restlessness or happiness, there is no single language to sufficiently sum up grief. There is also no template that can tell us how to effectively navigate it. Half the time we have no idea what to do with grief, how much or how little of it we should feel, or whether or not we should even allow ourselves to feel it at all.

But what is certain, however, is that grief binds us all together in interesting ways. And since we all experience it differently, the most we can do is wonder how the next person is navigating this tough emotional process.

So on that note, we spoke to 29-year-old Isabelle on how their obsession with dead bodies helps them cope with the grief of losing their mother four years ago. Read their story below.

Before my mother died, she had been sick for a while. Nobody knew what exactly was wrong with her, but the doctors suspected cancer. One day, she just fell very ill and had to be admitted to the hospital. At first, it was nothing serious. She even called me one morning while she was at the hospital and her voice was clear. So I figured it was just something mild and the admission was precautionary.

The day she died, my sister was the one who called to tell me. When I saw her call, I just knew the worst had happened. The call was brief. My sister said, “Our mother is dead”. I didn’t say a word. She asked me if I heard what she said. I said “Yes”. Then the call ended.

The next day, I woke up, bathed and went to work. I still had not processed what had happened. I hadn’t told anybody. The day kept passing listlessly, but towards the end of the workday, my boss asked me what was wrong and why my demeanour seemed off. And that was the first time I told anyone my mother had died.

I couldn’t finish what I was saying because I burst into tears. I think saying it out loud pushed me over the edge and made me realize that it had actually happened.

Up until that point, nobody close to me had ever died. So I was not quite prepared for grief. And the fact that I didn’t know what killed her made me mad. It still does. How can someone die in a hospital and you can’t tell what killed her?

I need the closure desperately, but I know deep down I’m never getting it. When you’ve never experienced grief like that and you lose someone close to you, it is indescribably jarring. It leaves a huge mental scar. It has totally changed who I am and how the rest of my life will pan out. Added to the fact that I didn’t get to spend the last moments of her life with her makes it all worse. I was her favorite, and I wasn’t even there when she died. She never got to see me one last time or anything.

When I went to see her at the mortuary, she looked like she was sleeping. As though she could wake up if I reached out and touched her. This is when my curiosity about death started to become a coping mechanism. It began with the smell of the chemicals used for embalming corpses.

It’s a very foul and inhuman smell. When the smell hits your nose, you just know this is something different from anything you’ve ever perceived. Some weeks later, I went to pick her body up from the mortuary along with other family members. When we got there, we had to transfer her from the body tray to the coffin. When I grabbed my mother by the arm, her body felt stiff. She didn’t feel like a human being. It is simply not something I can describe.

We are so used to the warm and soft touch of living people that nothing ever prepares us for how inhuman embalmed corpses feel. Tears came to my eyes all over again. I can’t articulate it very well but there is something cruel about the fact that people die and have all traces of their humanity sapped out. I will never be able to get that feeling out of my mind.

After the burial, I started googling stuff. At first, I was curious about why bodies feel stiff after storage and embalming. Then I started reading up on morticians, undertakers, embalming, etc. Things soon escalated. I became obsessed with death and, specifically, dead bodies. Decomposition, burials, autopsies, eviscerations, etc. For the past 4 years, I have consistently dug up and looked up pictures of corpses in various stages of decomposition. Pictures of embalmed people and all of that. I read, in full detail, Kobe Bryant and his daughter’s autopsy. I downloaded the coroner’s reports. I know how their bodies were mangled and torn apart. I looked up Emmet Till, although that one is quite popular. Eva Peron, Abraham Lincoln, some baby who was preserved in Italy, Maradona. I am obsessed with dead bodies.

It is a compulsion, I cannot help myself. I don’t know what I am looking for but it has become the only way I can cope with my mum’s death and the fact that the last thing I got from her was that cold and inhuman feeling of death. Maybe seeing these corpses helps me feel better about my mother, I don’t know.

Another thing, I still wonder how her body is faring now that she has been buried. I read that embalmed corpses take anywhere from a few months to several decades to skeletonize. Is she like that Italian baby who has barely decomposed? Is she a skeleton now? Is her skin dried? Does she look like a mummy? Is her coffin waterlogged (yes, this is a thing, and it is very common). It’s been a horror show, and I am well aware that I may need therapy to get this out of my head. There is a page on Reddit where people can ask funeral directors questions about dead bodies and stuff. Been on it for a few days now. I read about 3 or 5 posts before I go to sleep. Reading them helps me feel better about my mother’s death. Anytime I try to stay away from reading or looking at pictures, I feel haunted and tormented. But whenever I read, maybe about how someone’s dead body was autopsied or look up the picture of a corpse, I feel better and can get my mum out of my mind for a few hours at least.

Looking up death makes me feel better about her death and the factors surrounding it. Knowing all the processes that happen during and after death helps me cope with the fact that I didn’t know what killed my mum. I wonder if this makes sense. The fact that I am at least aware of how she may be doing in the grave right now makes me feel a bit better.
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

If there is anything our dear country Nigeria is known for, it is establishing laws that are either too dehumanizing to believe they actually exist or completely unsuitable for the times we are living in. With many laws in Nigeria yet to be revised despite the institutional harm they cause, we thought it would be great to look at some of these laws we wish would be revised or completely gotten rid of.
1. Husbands Being Legally Permitted To Physically Abuse Their Wives
wait, what?

We promise you we had the same reaction as you probably do now when we came across this law, but it actually exists. Although this law which permits husbands to mete out physical abuse on their wives as a form of punishment enshrined in the penal code, Section 55, and only applicable in the Northern part of the country, it is still a law that has to go for the obvious reason that nobody should have the right to mete out physical abuse on another citizen, talk less of their partner. Also striking is that this law contradicts several fundamental human rights, like the right to dignity, the right to personal liberty amongst others.
1. The Same-Sex Marriage (Prohibition) Bill (SSMPA)
Yes, the one that was passed by former Nigerian president Goodluck Ebele Jonathan on January 7, 2014. The one that has also made homophobia legal in Nigeria and essentially criminalized every single part of how LGBTQ+ Nigerians exist in Nigeria. The law not only bars marriage between people of the same sex, it also criminalizes public affection between people of the same gender, prohibits LGBTQ+ Nigerians from gathering or forming associations amongst a few other prohibitions. Not only do these laws affect LGBTQ+ persons in Nigeria, but they are also so vague that they can be applied to anyone who is deemed queer. And it goes without saying that all those prohibitions directly contradict the fundamental rights to assembly, personal liberty, pursuit of happiness, freedom of expression, you name it.
1. Attempting Suicide Being Illegal In Nigeria.
Under section 327 of the criminal code act, “Any person who attempts to kill himself is guilty of a misdemeanor and is liable to imprisonment for one year.” This law has been effected a few times, notably in 2018 when a man, Ifeanyi Ugokwe who tried to take his own life was arrested and put in jail for a few weeks. Criminalizing people’s autonomy over their life does sound ridiculous and definitely goes against one’s fundamental rights to personal liberty and right to privacy. Another interesting fact is that Britain, from where this anti-suicide law was adapted, have changed their anti-suicide laws since 1961.

4. The Practice Of Witchcraft Being Criminalized.

omo

Section 210 of the Criminal Code Act stipulates who by their actions suggests to being a witch or possessing witchcraft powers is guilty of a misdemeanour, and is liable to imprisonment for two years.

Read part of the law below: Any person who-

(a) by his statements or actions represents himself to be a witch or to have the power of witchcraft; or

(b) accuses or threatens to accuse any person with being a witch or with having the power of witchcraft; or

(c) makes or sells or uses, or assists or takes part in making or selling or using, or has in his possession or represents himself to be in possession of any juju, drug or charm which is intended to be used or reported to possess the power to prevent or delay any person from doing an act which such person has a legal right to do, or to compel any person to do an act which such person has a legal right to refrain from doing, or which is alleged or reported to possess the power of causing any natural phenomenon or any disease or epidemic..”

This is a huge mind your speech moment for us.

5. Nigerian Women Not Being Able To Extend Their Citizen To A Foreign Partner.

Say what?

Before you say anything, yes, this like many other discriminatory laws in Nigeria does not apply to Nigerian men. These laws can be found under sections 26 and 27 of the Nigerian constitution. Not only do these laws reduce women’s autonomy and erase their humanity, but it is also downright reductive and has no place in our world today.

These laws might seem ridiculous and archaic, but they have lasting and continuous effects on the lives of the people concerned and it is something for all of us to think about as we make our way to a fair and balanced nation.

You should also read this: What It’s Like To Sue Someone In Nigeria

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Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

If renting a space is hell for the average Nigerian, it is even worse for Nigerian women who aren’t partnered or have immediate ties with a man. From women having to use their brothers or fathers as guarantors to being outrightly denied the opportunity to rent a space for reasons that begin and end with misogyny, sexism, and the extremely high moral standards lumped on women in Nigeria.

Cybel Peter, the Property Lawyer we spoke with believes that without any law in place that outrightly terms this discrimination as illegal, house owners are free to rent at their discretion “Discriminating against women in any form or way is not legal. But to the best of my knowledge, they are no laws made available yet to curb against landlords refusing to rent their properties in Nigeria.” She says. “The legislators haven’t considered this to be a problem, and also matters like this happen on a very low scale. Even though we know some landlords can be sexist, it’s still up to them to choose who stays on their property, I have seen some situations where the landlord only wants female tenants, because they think women are less troublesome, so what happens then? There are so many funny rules placed by some landlords on their property. But [at the end of the day] it’s their property and their money”

Below, six Nigerian women share their experiences trying to rent a space in Nigeria and how this age-long discrimination based on gender continues to work against them.

Kenny, 23

In June last year, I was house hunting around Ogun state for my NYSC. It was around the rural side of Ogun state so the houses are owned by old landlords. This landlord asked whether I’d be living alone? I said yes. He said he doesn’t rent his house to single women because they tend to invite different types of men to the house and he doesn’t want that. I mean single men do this too but I guess it’s not a problem for him. Even though I told him I was only staying for a year for my NYSC and not for a long time I still had to bring in my dad to sign as my guarantor before he rented the apartment out to me. That’s so misogynistic of the man but I guess that’s what being a single woman in Nigeria can do to you.

Jennifer, 28

When I moved to Imo state in 2019, I saw hell and heaven just because I was looking for a place to live. Landowners were always concerned that I was unmarried and they would often refuse to rent to me because of that. I had to stay in a room without a kitchen where I was sharing a toilet with almost five persons all because I was single. Last year, I was able to finally get a proper apartment that I like only because I involved a male colleague of mine who had to act as my boyfriend. This experience is so outdated because I can’t see how I will have the money to pay for what I want but can’t get it just because I’m single. I really hope people change this mentality because it’s exhausting. The funny thing is that the house owner lives abroad and doesn’t care about my single status but the caretaker made it an issue. The caretaker never gave me hope that I will get the house until this male colleague came into the picture. Now, he – the caretaker – knows the guy is not my boyfriend but can’t do anything about it because he says I’m one of his best tenants.

Ifeoma, 28

I’ve had a handful of experiences because I move a lot. My parents almost always have to be very present throughout the process. Even at that I’ve experienced push back when the landlord or agent realises I will be moving in without them. The experience that sticks out the most for me was the first time I was house hunting by myself in Abuja. I found a place I really liked and informed the agent I wanted to close on the house immediately. I filled the necessary forms and did an interview with the facility manager. I was waiting to receive payment details but they were always posting me. After a lot of pressure from me, the agent finally told me the Landlord has refused to rent to a woman because he didn’t want prostitutes in his property. Landlords will rent houses to Yahoo boys no questions asked but start doing 21 questions when a woman wants to rent and it’s very upsetting. In my current living situation, they had to reassure the owner I’m not a prostitute and send pictures to prove I’m responsible. I don’t even know what that means.

Simi, 29

So I live in my family house in Banana Island. I came from the U.K. to Lagos in February last year. I came with my son. Neither one of us has ever lived in Nigeria but I was ready to live on my own. So I started looking. The first issue was some agents wouldn’t even take me for viewings in ‘affluent’ areas once I said I was single. I got about 16 rejections, it was so upsetting. Then one day I saw a lovely place in Lekki phase 1 that was exactly what I was looking for in a house. I was given the offer letter and I made the payment which was in millions. I was even ready to pay half of the second year then I get a call asking me for another year’s rent to be paid immediately or we can’t go ahead. I was like huh? I can’t afford that. Where am I to get that kind of money from in less than 24hrs. Anyway, the agent called me and explained what had happened. Apparently, the landlord didn’t know anything about me until they sent the contract to him and he realised I wasn’t married. He was ‘concerned’ that I wouldn’t keep up with payments and that I would ‘wreck the property with sex parties’. Within hours and before I could even come back and say ok let me pay, they sent my money back. I was so upset. I cried. My experience here as a single mum has been horrific. So after that experience, I use either my male cousin or my cousin’s husband. So they call the agents and I go and view them as their ‘wife’. Although I think I may have just found the place I want to move to and I think they’re quite forward-thinking. They asked me if I was married and I accidentally said no and they didn’t seem bothered so fingers crossed.

Tiffany, 26

I get an agent, tell him the type of house I want, my budget, and my preferred location. After a few days, he lets me know he has places for me to check out and this is where the problems begin. One time I saw a house that was great, I was ready to pay the next day but because I’m not Yoruba, the landlord gave it to someone else right in front of me while telling me they’ll get back to me. I was house hunting when the first lockdown happened. Just before the lockdown started, I’d seen a place that was okay but I had to wait for things to settle before I could see the landlord. I’d asked all the relevant questions like I’m a single woman, will that be a problem? The guy kept saying don’t worry it’s all good. After 2/3 months, I met with the landlord, and the first question he asked was “are you married?” I just shook my head because I knew this would be trouble. I answered that I wasn’t and the way he and his wife’s countenance changed was insane. He straight up told me that he doesn’t rent to single women and I asked why because the other tenants were single men and he couldn’t give an answer. It’s like the moment they hear you’re a single woman and also not Yoruba, just forget it. If you don’t get frustrated by the stupid questions or the condescending tone then the fact that they won’t even address you directly can make you lose your mind. After months of the same thing, I had to buy an engagement ring to be wearing to look at houses and that’s when they started treating me like a human being. The fact that I’m single, from the South and I have visible tattoos kept me house hunting for over a year

Oiza, 25

So basically my friend – also a woman – and I have been looking for an apartment for a while around Surulere and Yaba. When we reach out to agents when we see an apartment we like they might tell us that the landlord doesn’t rent out to single ladies or we can only rent the place if we can come with a man to prove that we’re engaged. Just to show that there’s a marriage plan on the way. When we ask them why they don’t want to rent to single ladies, their excuse is usually that single women will bring different men to their house and they don’t want to be seeing a new man and new car every night. I’m always like how is that your business though? Another reason they give is that single women will find someone they want to marry and move out, and they need someone that can stay long term, and I ask how about if I don’t want to get married? How do you know the man you rent this place to will not find somewhere better and move out? It just never makes sense to me.

You should also read this: 6 Nigerians On Moments When Nigeria Did Not Move Mad

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So right after we published a piece on the worst therapy experiences Nigerians have had, we received requests urging us to write about the more positive experiences Nigerians have also had with therapy. While the issue of access, structure, and cultural perceptions are still huge contributors to Nigeria’s poor mental health ecosystem, therapy in Nigeria has also proven to be immensely helpful for some Nigerians.

Below we speak with eight Nigerians whose mental health has greatly improved through the help of good and professional therapy sessions.

Mowa, 20

I started therapy in January of 2020, primarily to deal with anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. I had gone to therapy once sometime in September 2019, but I didn’t like my therapist, she gave me very weird vibes, so I never returned, but things got really bad in December, so I got a different therapist and tried again. Sessions were the best part of my week. A time to decompress and share what was bothering me to a person who doesn’t know me and I know won’t talk about my issues to other people. She was so nice and funny and easy to talk to that it felt like I was talking to an older friend, so when she’d give advice or recommendations they were easy to think through and adapt to my life.

Laraba, 30

I fell into a depression nearly a month after I was attacked at the EndSars protests. After a particularly horrible week of crying and suicidal ideations, I reached out to a therapist in Abuja to help me work through things because I knew I was getting too close to irreparable damage. We had our first meeting in-person, I was a bit nervous at first but I think I was put at ease when I saw that the therapist was young and probably in my age bracket. The first thing we did was a breathing exercise and I knew immediately that I was going to enjoy seeing that particular therapist. I’d gone to therapy before but it was online and with a therapist in the US and I can definitely say that I had a better experience with the Nigerian lady I saw in Abuja. I think maybe the fact that she was familiar with the Nigerian context/life made the difference? I don’t know. There was a lot of tears of course as well as a lot of going back to revisit old traumas and familial wounds but she very supportive. And when I try to be smart and wiggle my way out of dealing with really tough issues, she was able to see through my bullshit and firmly yet gently call me out on it. My sessions with her are over but I’m thinking of booking another one because I’ve had a really horrible week and I dealt with something a week ago that really triggered some suicidal thoughts. It’s not as bad but I think I still have some shit to work out.

Ofeh, 25

My very first encounter with good therapy came after a string of bad sessions with the psychiatrist I was seeing at the time. The therapist who provided the great therapy experience was so kind to me. For one, she is queer and was also a woman. And not just that, she was also a feminist. Sessions with her were great because she didn’t judge me, she didn’t try to convert me, she also understood anxiety. I know it is crazy to say that because it is her job, but I have seen therapists before her, and even after I met her that only understand therapy by how it works in the books but not how it manifests within the lives of their Nigerian patients. My therapist not only had an understanding of what mental illness should look like in the book, but she also had a grasp of what it could look like within the context of what it means to be young and Nigerian today. Another plus was that she was within my age bracket so it was very affirming to talk to her. I genuinely felt like I was actually going to therapy and relieving myself. At a point, I actually got scared to see her because I would be so open. I used to think I liked to talk, but by the time she made me open up, I was like na, “this tew much”. But at some point it became expensive so I had to find another alternative. So I think there are good therapists in Nigeria, I wish more people had access to it.

Tomisin, 24

I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now. I guess because I was already open to the idea of therapy it was easy for me to get into it and also my parents kinda saw me deteriorating and they offered to pay for it so no financial stress there. I go for therapy at least once every two weeks, sometimes once a week. It’s become the safest place I can think of, the only place I feel the burden of being alive almost taken off me. It’s also the same place I face all my demons, past trauma, and current issues. I’ve worked through some of them with my therapist. Like remembering my rapist’s name, something I had buried for the longest time, and being able to at least identify the pattern that had brought into relationships since. It has helped me manage my anxiety better too. Most people that knew me well in 2018 can testify to the difference in my personality and how I manage situations today. Not like therapy works for everyone if we are being honest, but I think my therapist is really good at his job.

Ruth, 26

My first exposure to therapy was in 2017 when I was working at a therapy and coaching company. In the beginning, I found it intrusive and demanding. It forced me to go to places I had buried deep in me and to confront things I had kept hidden for a long time. Before therapy, I thought it would I would simply talk about my problems and the therapist would tell me what to do, but I found that that wasn’t the case. What therapy does is force you to examine issues you are dealing with and to come up with solutions yourself. The sessions I had really helped me with the self-image issues and anxiety I was dealing with at the time and I have come a long way in terms of improved self-confidence since then. Although with the entire problems that came with 2020, I had a relapse, I went back to therapy and so far I haven’t had any anxiety attacks and I generally feel a lot better

Anuli, 23

I literally struggled and still struggle with mental health issues. I had a turbulent childhood and it was pretty difficult especially because therapy isn’t as conventional as people on social media especially Twitter make it seem. Basically, I relied on youtube, motivational messages, music, and movies. A couple of months into my stay abroad, I knew I was losing it. I spoke to a friend and he recommended a therapist who works with MANI. I’d expected to pay for the sessions, but he was kind and told me it was for free. I cannot explain just how helpful those therapy sessions were. I’m still on it anyway, but my mental health journey has improved remarkably. I haven’t had nightmares in months and with each day, I grow even deeper and in tune with myself. Feels like the inner child in me is healing and I’m here for it. Also, maybe out of context, Nigerians need to stop making mental health issues seem like some demonic attack. There’s a spectrum and it can be severe or mild, but whichever way, all mental health issues are valid. Whether it’s depression, anxiety, or psychosis. All of them are valid. You can’t pray away everything.

Deborah, 25

Therapy for me was a lovely experience. The therapist was attentive to my needs and present through it. The therapy was handled virtually, on the first day I literally just balled for the first 30mins and she was really patient and gave me the space to cry. We talked about childhood trauma, my experience with my molester which was the main issue I had sought help for, it had happened years back but the effects were only just resurfacing, even though I had carried the shame and guilt for a long time she helped me see that it was not my fault and I was only holding on to my hindsight bias. Now, I feel really good and more aware of my shortcomings and how to handle them. I am not as worried about things I cannot control and do my best to be present. My greatest takeaway from going to therapy was journaling, especially journaling about gratitude, I was carrying so much emotional heavyweight and constantly beating myself up that it took a toll on a large part of my life. Focusing more on my emotional growth, career growth has made moving forward easier.

Vee, 25

I started therapy in 2019. I was really sceptical because it was a government hospital – that’s what I could afford at the time – and I didn’t really know what to expect. I just went with it because anxiety was kicking my ass and I needed any lifeline I could get. Honestly, it’s the best decision I ever made. My therapist was patient and super kind when I was finding it hard to open up to her. I moved states just before the pandemic and she told me I could always reach out for phone sessions – at no charge – since it would be hard for me to build trust with another person. She walked me through the anxiety from COVID-19, the death of a loved one, unemployment, and all the shittiness I experienced in 2020 for free. I’m convinced she’s an angel. Now things aren’t exactly great for me but I’m handling it a lot better and it’s because I got help. I’ve been off my medication for a while and I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. Therapy really saved my life. I recommend it to everyone.
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

In Orlu, Nigerian military fighter jets have been conducting airstrikes amidst rising tension. Around 9 am today, a video showing one out of a number of military fighter jets shooting at a nearby bush in Orlu, Imo state, began to make the rounds on social media.

https://twitter.com/honilatte/status/1362312823024590851?s=20

https://twitter.com/honilatte/status/1362368748758384641?s=20

In one of the videos, residents of the Orlu community can be seen running for their lives as the fighter jets continue to shoot. These videos have left Nigerians afraid for the lives of innocent people living in Orlu, with many unsure why the Nigerian military is bombarding a city populated by civilians.

A government that can't confront Herdsmen and Bandits in the North have already deployed fighter jets in Orlu against #ESN.
— Elochukwu Ohagi (@ElochukwuOhagi) February 18, 2021

https://twitter.com/Real_AdaKing/status/1362392968930459649?s=20

Instead of Nigerian military to pursue the terrorists that abducted school children in Niger State they are unleashing terror in Orlu like the terrorists did in Kagara?
— Aisha Yesufu (@AishaYesufu) February 18, 2021

But why are the airstrikes happening?

The strikes are believed to be an attempt by the Nigerian military to find operatives of the Eastern Security Network, a security outfit set up by Nnamdi Kanu, the leader of the Indigenous People of Biafra, IPOB, to secure communities against attacks from armed Fulani herdsmen. When Kanu launched the outfit on December 12, 2020, he said the regional security unit would assist in the swift eradication of crimes in the East, just like Amotekun is doing in the South-West.

In January, the ESN had a clash with the Nigerian Army where four soldiers were said to have lost their lives. Following that incident, the Nigerian Army staged a retaliation/revenge mission which claimed more lives and resulted in the destruction of several properties.

What is happening now?

Neither the Nigerian army nor the Air Force has made a statement regarding this development. And as it stands now, it is unclear what is happening in Orlu as no new reports have surfaced but we will keep updating this story with any new information that pops up.

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For many Nigerians, therapy is expensive and hard to access. This is because Nigeria suffers from treating mental health issues as exotic cultural concepts that don’t deserve to be paid more attention to or sufficiently invested in.

However, for some Nigerians, therapy has offered an alternate path to healing, but because bad things always happen, their experiences with therapy haven’t always been rosy. Below, five Nigerians share the worst therapy experiences they have gone through.

Celine, 24.

In 2018, during my service year, I had a meltdown in my office and a colleague of mine recommended I see another staff member who studied psychology and would often offer his services as a therapist to his coworkers. I went to see him that day, determined not to open up to him but he was so charming and kind that I eventually did. We bonded quickly and were always texting each other. About 3 months into our daily sessions where I would go to his office and we would talk, I went just before we closed and he offered to drop me at my destination. We talked all the way there and as soon as he parked, he held my hand and I quickly pulled away. He then said and I’ll never forget “why are you afraid of people being attracted to you?”, I couldn’t respond because I was freaked out so I got out of the car. He later apologized for the incident then went on to tell me how he felt about me over the weeks that followed. I was initially confused as to whether I should reciprocate his feelings because he was one of the few people who at that point in my life listened to me and cared about me so I didn’t want to lose him. I eventually told him I felt the same and we began seeing each other casually. I felt so guilty because he was married with kids but he would go on and on about how he was unhappy with his life and would leave his family if he could. This made me feel bad for him and so I stayed until one day in 2019 when I couldn’t take the guilt any longer. We had only kissed once by that time and I didn’t want it to go further. He left me a lot for a while then he popped back into my life at the beginning of 2020 with the guise of caring about my well-being and wanting to give me a present for my birthday. He gave me my present and asked that we hang out sometime. His gift was quite generous and I really thought he just wanted us to sit and talk. Long story short, he booked us a hotel room, we had sex, it was horrible and I felt so bad.

Emma, 23.

The first therapist I met with was supposed to administer a personality test and in one of the forms, I stated that I am a lesbian. The therapist went into this long lecture about how he’s not invalidating my identity, but he has noticed that children who grow up without a good father figure or who grew up in abusive households usually turn out gay and he’s not saying that that’s the reason for me but that’s what studies show and my history that I shared with him is showing that I also went through the same kind of things growing up and that’s why I’m a lesbian. I managed to survive that part and I went to see the second therapist whose only job was to give me my meds and ask if I’m okay. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said I had a girlfriend. He then asked who the man in my relationship is. I told him there was no man since we’re both women then he proceeded to ask how I and my girlfriend have sex. I really just wanted to punch him in the face at that point. As if all of that wasn’t enough, at my last appointment at the Federal Neuropsychiatric Hospital, the therapist (a different one) asked who the man in my relationship is and kept insisting that there’s a man. Later on, he asked if I had ever thought of changing my sexuality (the first therapist asked this as well) and told me that we’ll talk about how to stop being gay in my next appointment. So basically conversion therapy. I don’t think I’m going back there.

Crystal, 22

The therapist was a psychologist and a psychiatrist at a public hospital. During my sessions, he disregarded an important fact that I had mania episodes. They were not often but were important in my story. We had three sessions and in that period, he touched me inappropriately twice. It was a kind of touch where you’re not sure if he crossed the line or if you’re just overreacting. It was definitely unprofessional and made me really uncomfortable. I decided to try a popular mental health NGO, that too was a total waste of time. The person I spoke with made me feel t like I was just stressing him. At some point, I had to pretend I was okay so it could end.

Tonye, 24.

I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was 10. At that age, my parents were about to get divorced. My therapist then was a deeper life lady who blames me (the 10-year-old) for going to my mum with proof about my dad’s infidelity (the reason for the proposed divorce

And you know modern women (my mum) who can’t handle a little abuse and cheating here and there. My most recent ones have been the white male gay who wanted me to come out to my parents. And spent all our sessions (they are 150$ a pop, in this economy) talking either about queerness or about how ‘Africa’ is so backward. The First Lady was tied to my school so I mean she told everyone and would even take me from classes if I ‘missed’ a session (she’d go to my teachers and ask them about me), but I think it’s the microaggression and racist comments that take the cake for me.

Aishat, 28.

In February 2020, I was dealing with trauma from rape and battling depression/anxiety for a period. I decided I needed therapy but I wanted faith-based counseling (I’m a Christian). I went to the Counselling unit in my church. The session went on for about 30 minutes and from the first impression, the lady didn’t seem welcoming but I was already there so I didn’t want to chicken out. The first time she called my name, she called me “Ashirat”, this was after I had spelled my name out for her on the piece of paper she was writing on. The door of the Counselling room was ajar and I could hear clearly the conversation happening in the adjacent room, so I was sure they could hear us too. And even as I tried to keep my voice down to manage some privacy, she kept talking at full volume. After I told her about my experience, she basically preached God’s grace to me, likening me to a harlot. Then she told me it’s been so long and I need to get over the experience. The good news is that I found a proper faith-based counseling service in Lekki and they’ve been quite helpful.
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

Can you remember those moments when a process in Nigeria worked out exactly as it should? These moments, however few in between, are often easy to forget and even easily overshadowed by the many other processes that go from bad to who even-sent-me-message?

But the moments when things do work out in Nigeria occasionally pop up in our lives and can feel really good, so good we lowkey fear we are being scammed. It could be anything from not having to queue at a bank or getting an issue with your account fixed when the bank promised it would be fixed. It could also be getting to the airport without traffic slowing you down or getting a transcript without much problem, or receiving fantastic service at a government hospital.

To give you a sense of what we are on about, we spoke with six Nigerians on moments when things worked out for them as they should in Nigeria, and how that made them feel.

Otanyo, 30.

I recently processed my transcript with Unilorin and Ahmadu Bello University (ABU) roughly at the same time. It was so easy with Unilorin and the transcript was sent to Canada within 2 weeks of the process, but with ABU even though a staff of the university is processing it for me, it’s been 2 months now and it just arrived from the department to the senate. I went to Unilorin for my postgraduate diploma transcript to be sent via WES to Canada for Verification and I needed to also send my BSC transcript to WES. I studied Economics At ABU Zaria and graduated in 2012. I had a classmate who works in the senate building and sent the money for my transcript processing, this fee was outrageous compared to what I paid for the Unilorin Transcript. For Unilorin I paid the sum of ₦20,961.25 and for ABU Zaria, ₦45,761.25 was collected for the transcript. I started the process on Tuesday morning at the Unilorin Senate. I paid via Remita, went to the bursar office to submit the receipt for confirmation, and also submitted my statement of result and was told to come back during lunch hour. When I came back, I was told to finish the process in the Post Graduate School and was also instructed to go to the DHL office and pay for delivery when the transcript is ready. I paid at the DHL Office, went to the PG School, filled a form for my details, and was told to be on the lookout. One week later, my local copy was sent to my office, the next week the main transcript was sent to Canada. I have never done some document processing as easy as that. With ABU, I just received a message that the transcript just arrived at the senate, a document I paid for since the 5th of December.

Debo, 23.

First off, let me just say that nothing in Nigeria works. A time when something did work without much stress, I had to bribe my way through it. It was at the immigration office, and I wanted to get an international passport. So I got a link to this woman who knows most of the immigration officers and uses her connections to help you fast track things. That is what she does for a living. She charged me 45k to get the passport that same day, ideally, the whole process costs about 20, 25k as at that time but I had to pay for the convenience and fast-tracking. Usually, the registration takes a day and the interview would be done the next day. Then you’ll have to wait for several months before the passport is ready. I did the registration and Interview and got the passport ready in just a day! I even remember having to bribe the person who interviewed me so he could stamp it, and some officers who took me here and there. I had to bribe my way into getting a system to work the way it should. No system set up by the government works here.

Abigail, 23.

Last year, I got admission to a school in the US and of course, I had to send my transcript. I was stalling because I just expected that Unilag would stress me and I couldn’t deal at the time. I finally made the payment for my transcript and I kid you not, Unilag sent my transcript in less than a week. I didn’t have to call or send an email or fight or cry. I am still shocked!.

Kay, 26.

So in 2018, the government of Bayelsa state announced that they’ll be employing civil servants so I applied. I wrote the first exam (handwritten), after which I was shortlisted to write the CBT — this was a bit stressful sha cos we had to queue under the sun — but we meeuvve. I wrote the first exam in June/July 2018 and I got the job in January 2019. Normally, you would have to be connected to be able to get a job there. After I was given the job, the person who I had thought would help me find a way to put my name on the list told me I got the job on merit because he was having issues with the person that would have put my name on the list anyway.

Kiishi, 23.

Mine was when I registered for my National I.D card. It was in 2018 and it was pretty easy unlike the whole queuing and paying money you have to do now. I got to the place around 9 am and there weren’t that many people around. Within an hour, I was already putting down all the necessary details and I got the enrollment slip. I returned three days after that and collected the other copy. I did not expect it. I figured I was going to queue and be picking numbers as we did for the voters’ card. Relieved and surprised at the same time. It’s Nigeria, processes like that aren’t supposed to be fast or easy.

Meredith, 25.

In January 2020, I was trying to travel and needed to change the name on my passport which required my birth certificate. The country I wanted to travel to wouldn’t give me a visa if the name on my passport didn’t match the name on other documents. So to get this done, I had to sign an affidavit from a federal high court. When I went there, I was asked to print some forms and to my surprise, the whole process lasted less than 15 minutes. After that, I went to the population census to get my certificate. I filled a form and submitted my affidavit, and in my presence, they typed the certificate out and took it to an office to stamp. Normally, I hear people say it takes up to a week to get through the process, but in my case, both processes were completed under an hour. I was lowkey scared it was fake because of how fast everything was, but it still felt good.

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Tóbi, 26

Unit, 25

Lola, 21

Feyi, 25

Oyinda, 27

Omosefe, 22

Chiamaka, 24

Blue, 25

What Is #Greenfielduniversity about?

What Is The State Government Doing?

How Are Nigerians Reacting To This?

Frankie, 28

Oyinda, 27

Kelechi, 21

Israel, 21

Elle, 30

Onome, 29

Arit, 38

Ayo, 16

Vivian, 28

Yaw, 23

Nnaya, 27

Dan, 24

Liz, 23

This was the Ghetto:

A lot of people actually agree

Then there is the top contender and a really weird time I pray and hope we never return to.

I just can’t

When did this happen though?

Yeah, this was a pretty weird, but actually instructive moment

Uhmmmm

This was very disturbing

I completely understand this one because who has that time?

Less of this one please,

Manal, 25

Sunflower, 25

Amina, 27

Eddie, 30

Raquel, 27

Kirah, 23

Dee, 27

Sam, 24

Queen, 24

Anne, 23

Ginger, 25

Reyna, 24

Tinuke 23

Lola, 31

Akin, 35

Chidinma, 23

Teni, 23

Kasa, 25

Sandra, 23

Cletus, 21

Uyai, 18

Ayo, 21

Bobby, 28

Chris, 29

Frankie, 28

Oluwanisola, 21

Seun, 24

Maria, 20

Hebi, 22

Tayo, 22

Olamide, 20

Ayo, 29

Katherine, 23

Jill, 24

Kachi*, 27. Straight,

Wendy, 24. Pansexual,

Emily, 21. Straight.

Tara, 25. Straight.

Chidinma, 24. Straight,

Onyinye, 19. Straight,

Ronke, 19. Asexual,

Tireni, 23. Straight,

Zainab, 21

Constance*, 21

Emily*, 28

Sarah*, 23

**Kachi*, 27. Straight,**

**Constance*, 21**

**Emily*, 28**

**Sarah*, 23**