Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Teju: We met at work when I just got to the states in September 2019. We’re both nurses in a state hospital. She and one other Nigerian guy were the only Africans at the time. She’d been here for close to two years before me. So she took me under her wing, helping me to navigate and survive in the new environment. 

Malin: I liked him immediately I met him because I have a thing for Nigerian men. But we started off platonic. I’d been happily married since I was 23.

We started working closely together for long hours, so we got to talking and oversharing stuff about our lives. From day one, we both knew the other was married. I’d say loneliness brought us together.

How did you both find yourselves in the US without your partners?

Malin: We planned to relocate together very early on in our relationship before we got married. But I got my master’s visa, and he didn’t. They’ve consistently denied him one, so he’s still in Dar es Salaam. Now, he’s working on Canada. Once that works out, we’ll figure out how to unite… if we still want to.

Teju: I didn’t come in the most straightforward way, so I couldn’t bring my family — my wife and two kids. I’m supposed to put things in place then send for them. But it’s becoming much more expensive to plan that. And I’m no longer in a hurry.

Why not?

Teju: This will get me in trouble. 

I’m just comfortable with the way things are now. I love being with Malin. Things had gotten dry between me and my wife when I left Nigeria. I won’t lie that we were about to break up, but we weren’t the most passionate couple. 

Malin: For me, the fact that he hasn’t been able to get his visa approved for so long is a red flag. I’m tired of waiting and hanging on to that hope. 

Do they know you guys are together?

Malin: No. Why would I want to start that kind of drama?

Teju: I’ve considered telling my wife, but I think it would be cruel. I know she wouldn’t understand. It’ll just break her.

Let’s go back a bit. How did you get into this relationship?

Teju: We went from working closely together to her helping me get a better place to stay, figure out the subway and commute. In that first month, we were always together — at work, on the road, at home. She also helped me figure out my meals. In between all that, love happened.

Malin: Like I said, I was lonely. And it helped that he wasn’t a creep. I met a decent, likeable Nigerian guy when I was at my lowest point, and it felt good helping him out. I knew staying so long in his space and being so accessible would lead to something else, but I couldn’t stop myself.

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What happened next?

Teju: COVID came, and being essential workers, we worked even longer hours, wearing PPEs and moving around when everyone else was stuck indoors. That was the highpoint of our friendship. Just constantly exhausted while making jokes with our other coworkers. We slept most nights in the hospital. 

October 2020, the lease was up on my apartment, and we somehow started talking about being housemates so we could pool money together and get a decent two-bed.

Malin: We ended up getting a three-bed with a third girl I knew from my former building. That’s when we technically moved in together. It’s also when we started sleeping together. He ended up spending most nights in my room.

Were your spouses aware you had housemates of the opposite gender?

Teju: My wife found out.

I was originally supposed to live with my aunt when I moved here. Malin convinced me I could get a cheap flat closer to our workplace, and I was so excited to not have to squat with a relative at my age.

My aunt eventually came to visit when I’d moved into the new apartment. She met Malin but didn’t say anything. Next thing I knew, my wife brought it up on one of our video calls. My aunt had called to tell her. She wasn’t happy at all, but I assured her not to worry about it.

Malin: My husband knew we were housemates then. He didn’t think too deep into it. Maybe because there was another girl with us. But he doesn’t know we have a small house on mortgage, and we’ve moved in together. 

When did that happen?

Malin: In July 2021, and we’ve lived there together since. Our relationship levelled up after that. We started talking plans and finances because we wanted to move our life forward. 

Teju: We’d spent too long in one place, struggling to reunite with our partners. We were ready to move on, at least in our careers and personal development. We took courses so we could get promotions and so on.

Malin: The bulk of his money goes to his kids’ education in Nigeria. I’m happy he does it, but it’s also a constant reminder of his external responsibilities and what that means for our future.

Have you discussed the future yet?

Teju: Not much. 

But some months after we moved in, one of our coworkers suggested that we declare a common-law marriage so we could get some benefits. So we did. 

Malin: To all our friends and colleagues and the state of Texas, we’re married.

And your actual spouses don’t suspect a thing?

Teju: They don’t. I talk to my wife once a week and still send her money. We’re also still saving up for them to join me here. We decided the best way is for me to get a PR then invite them over.

Now that Malin and I did the common-law thing, it might not work. She doesn’t know that. We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.

Malin: I don’t think my husband suspects. He’s still hyper-focused on Canada. That’s all we talk about now. He’s working towards relocating in 2025. Fingers crossed for him. 

We try not to talk too much about our marriage because I think we’re both trying not to trigger sadness and regret.

So what happens when they finally make it out of Africa?

Malin: I don’t know yet. 

I love Teju, but I’ve confided in him that I might still have feelings for my husband. He was the love of my life before the whole unfortunate split. And Teju has his kids to figure out.

Teju: I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I see Malin and I staying together until then. We’re a good team, and I can’t imagine figuring out life in this country with anyone else.

How have you managed to build a working relationship on the back of infidelity?

Teju: Ahh. We don’t think about it that way. We just did our best with the circumstances life gave us.

Malin: Our relationship works because we don’t focus on guilt and regret. It’s about being each other’s support system in this lonely world. 

We work together as well, so it’s been much easier to have someone to do everything with.

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You guys give “work spouse” a whole new meaning 

Malin: Yes. I suppose you could call us work spouses that took the name seriously.

I don’t feel like I’m cheating actually. My husband and I can’t be together, and I’m supposed to just put my life on hold?

Teju: The only thing I feel bad about is I know my family would’ve been here much faster if I didn’t get together with Malin. There are some things we could’ve done by now if I was a lot more excited for them to be here.

Malin: Yeah, it’s tough because if his kids were here, we wouldn’t have to spend so much on school bills.

Do you see yourself continuing to send money home for as long as they’re there?

Teju: Yes. One thing I’ll never do is default on my responsibilities as a father. My dad was an absent father, so I feel bad enough that I’m putting my kids through that.

Malin: That’s the only thing that brings friction to our relationship. His kids might be the only people he loves more than me.

And how do you feel about that, Malin?

Malin: Sometimes, it feels like baggage I didn’t bargain for. But I know it’s insensitive to say that given the circumstances.

Teju: Yeah, there’s no way around that.

Have you ever thought about having your own kids?

Malin: I’m not sure I want to with him yet. 

Teju: We decided we’d wait till we figured out where we stand with the people back home first. But it’s not completely off the books. At least, not for me.

Malin: It’ll be a huge step. I don’t want to bring a baby into too much drama. We could get discovered at any moment. It’s both exciting and terrifying.

Discovered by your spouses?

Malin: Yes.

Have you had any major fights yet?

Teju: Not really.

Malin: We argue a lot about very many things. But it’s always chill. I don’t think we’ve ever been genuinely angry with each other.

Teju: We’re almost always at work anyway. So between that, sex and sleep, not much time to fight.

Sweet. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Malin: 9. We just get each other, and the way we support each other‘s rights and wrongs without judgement is so precious. The uncertainty makes things exciting too, but I know we’re not in la la land and shit can hit the fan at any moment.

Teju: I guess I’ll say 9 too. I love being with her. I love that I’m doing life in the states with her. She’s helped me achieve way more than I ever imagined.

The 1 will probably be for the fact that she still loves her husband and I still love my kids.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

ANOTHER ONE: Love Life: He Thinks Condoms Are for Laying With Harlots

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Aliyu: We met through family in 1988. Our fathers knew each other, and one day her father came to visit mine with her in tow. They stayed for about an hour, and we were introduced. She was shy and barely said a word. She just sat in a corner, and I remember me and my brothers watching her from the corridor to our rooms and talking about how beautiful she was. 

Mariam: I was so self-conscious to be in a strange house with nothing to do but watch my father talk with his friend. I wasn’t supposed to accompany him there; he’d just decided to stop by on our way to getting the things I needed for school. 

After that, we met more often during family and religious gatherings, and we just got close.

When did you start to like each other?

Mariam: After he kissed me in my father’s compound when no one was looking. It was the day after Ileya in 1989. I’d only ever been kissed once before, and it was nothing like his own.

Aliyu: My brothers and cousins had discovered I liked her sometime before that. They saw that I’d sometimes stare at her. So at this gathering, they teased me into kissing her and telling her how I felt. I didn’t tell her how I felt. I just kissed her and disappeared. 

What happened after?

Aliyu: We went back to our lives. 

She was still in school, and I was trying to get into the family trade of poultry farming. Not much happened until the next year when she was back from ABU for a long break and we met at the water factory her brother worked at. We talked a bit, and after she left, I told her brother I wanted to marry her. Imagine me with no money saying something like that.

Mariam: My brother came back home and told me about it. I just laughed. I crushed on him since the day he kissed me without regard for my father’s house. But I didn’t want to believe he liked me back. I returned to school and thought about him for weeks, imagining us married.

Why was marriage the first thing that came to mind and not dating?

Aliyu: Maybe it was the times, but that’s what I wanted when I saw her. I wanted her to be my wife. So I worked hard while she was in school. I did everything to make more money. I started buying and selling goats and rams. I did deliveries briefly. I saved most of the money I made.

Mariam: In school, I had a few other suitors, but I chose to wait for the possibility of being with Aliyu. I used it as a catalyst to focus on my studies. 

He waited till 1992, my last year in school to go to my father and ask him about me.

And then, you got married?

Aliyu: No, we courted for another year. I wanted her to finish first. I didn’t want to rush or scare her.

Mariam: During this period, he’d send me money and gifts all the time. 

A lot of my friends were getting married while in school, but I appreciated the wait. The truth is I was scared of the responsibility of marriage. Learning from my friends’ experiences helped me feel prepared after graduation.

What was the wedding like?

Mariam: It was big. Our parents invited every single person they knew. We had three different ceremonies, and by the end of it all, I was exhausted. In fact, whenever I think back to my wedding, I associate it with tiredness.

Aliyu: We didn’t get the time to bond before and during the ceremonies. Then after, we consummated and moved in together. The excitement wasn’t really there anymore.

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What d’you mean?

Aliyu: I’m not sure what I thought would happen, but I wasn’t prepared for how dull living with one person was. Everyone just avoided us because they didn’t want to intrude on our brand new marriage. 

But we just continued on with life. She got a job, I ran my businesses, and we performed our duties.

Mariam: I think we were fine until the kids started coming. 

I had our three children in the space of four years and that was really hard for me. Once the third one was out, I got on family planning, and he didn’t like that.

Aliyu: I understood why she had to, but she didn’t consult me first. What if I wanted one more child? I also didn’t like how it affected our sex. It became like a chore trying to get her in bed.

How did you navigate this period in your marriage?

Mariam: Taking care of the children mostly on my own was hard. I had to quit my job after I had the first one, but I was still always tired. Even with my mother and younger sister’s help. 

Our communication was zero at this time, but he always provided, so I was content. 

Aliyu: In my mind, I was giving her space and time to focus on motherhood while I focused on making us comfortable. Running the businesses was no piece of cake.

Fair

Mariam: Once the children were all old enough to go to school, we were never able to build our relationship. We were fully adults with adult worries and responsibilities. There was no time for gisting and jokes like I saw my friends do with their husbands. 

I’m not sure how everything went so wrong.

Aliyu: I found out she was sleeping with someone else.

Sorry, what?

Mariam: After I’d just had our third baby, I got close to one of my old friends from ABU, one of the “suitors”. He was still unmarried. So we met a lot when Aliyu was away at work and I wanted to get out of the house and the chaos of crying babies. We never had sex, but we got intimate sometimes. 

Aliyu: I was also sleeping with my secretary at the time. But it didn’t stop me from being angry. Instead of telling her I found out, I just held it in and resented her.

Did it eventually come out?

Aliyu: Yes, when I saw her with another man different from the first one.

We moved to Abuja from Kaduna in 2004, and I spent less time at home because I had to travel more. I had a new girlfriend, and most times, I’d take her on these trips with me. I was considering making her a second wife.

One day, I saw Mariam leaving our house with this man when I’d just returned from a trip.

Mariam: A trip with his “girlfriend” I’m sure, but he had time to judge me.

Aliyu: Later that day, I confronted her about it and she just apologised. I couldn’t say anything again.

You just let it go?

Aliyu: Yes. I didn’t want stress, and I didn’t want to chase her out of my house. So what was the point of pushing it? I also thought it’d make her more agreeable to my bringing in a new wife.

Mariam: Him not getting angry made me realise he didn’t care what I did. He didn’t care about me. He just wanted someone respectable to bear him children. And since I’d given him two sons and dared to do family planning, he was done with me.

Aliyu: That’s not true. She was cold and that surprised me after we got married. I could never really get her to ease up and have fun with me.

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So what happened after this second bout of infidelity?

Mariam: This is when I feel we separated without separating. We just started leading different lives even though we still lived under the same roof — and slept in the same bed for nearly ten more years.

Aliyu: I continued travelling constantly and we hardly talked. In 2007, I married a second wife, we had a son, and things were peaceful. But in 2012, the second wife left me for another man.

Mariam: When he went to marry someone half his age. Guess who had to take care of an additional child for him.

You?

Mariam: Yes. The woman left her son. I recently heard she’s relocated overseas with her new husband and their children.

Aliyu: I’d never have let her take my son to another man.

After this, I just decided I wouldn’t take another wife. 

But did the affairs continue on both sides?

Mariam: Yes. I’m not proud to say it, but I’ve found other men I’ve felt more committed to than my husband. I considered remarrying once. In the end, I didn’t want all the drama and stigma. And I didn’t trust that the new man wouldn’t disappoint me. I also had three growing children to think about.

Aliyu: I didn’t date anyone for years after my second wife left. It felt irresponsible of me to do so. Every woman I was with after, I only had sex with.

Do you think your children feel any type of way about you living separate lives?

Mariam: Probably when they were younger, but they’re now all grown with families of their own. 

My daughter often calls me to try to force a reconnection between us because she’s feeling righteous. But I tell her off. She thinks it’s my fault the marriage isn’t “working well” because I never treated her father with respect. Imagine.

Aliyu: There were times you could’ve been more humble.

I think the children understand how hard life and marriage is now, so they’re fine. 

Do you think you’ll ever divorce?

Aliyu: No, I don’t believe in that. Even the prophet said that of all things permitted, divorce is the most hated by God. 

Even though you’re both committing adultery?

Aliyu: I believe marriage is for life. And I still love my wife. She’ll always be my first love. I do everything I can to treat her right. She’s also given me three beautiful children.

Mariam: If I didn’t do it when I was maybe in my 30s, I don’t think I’d ever divorce because there’s no guarantee that what’s outside is better than what’s here. Aliyu is my partner in many ways, even though God did not permit that sex and companionship be one of them. 

Today, we’re friends and we’re each other’s confidants.

Right. What was your first major fight about?

Aliyu: When she suddenly wanted to start using condoms during sex.

Mariam: He never agreed to use them. That’s why I had to get the implants in secret. When I later told him, he was angry but placated that at least he didn’t have to put on a condom.

Aliyu: Condoms are for laying with harlots.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Aliyu: 5

Mariam: 5. Average.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

NEXT UP: Love Life: Nigeria Should Let Us Marry in Peace

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Ene: We met through a women-only LGBTQ+ support group exactly ten years ago. I’d just joined the community through an invitation from someone I met at work, and they hosted a book club meeting about a month after. I love to read so I happily attended. 

I sat beside Nduka; her big smile and nice scent caught my attention. We became fast friends.

Nduka: I remember we discussed “The Goldfinch” by Donna Tartt, and she made a joke about how hard it was to get copies of new foreign books. She’d read a pirated ebook online, and it turned out more than half of us in that room had done the same. We exchanged numbers and email addresses because I wanted to send her some other books I liked. 

When did you realise you liked each other?

Ene: The group organised hangouts at least once a month, and we’d always chat each other up to check if the other person was attending. She lived not too far away from me at the time, so we started attending together. I don’t usually like going to places where I don’t know anyone, so I’d have stopped going to those things if not for her. 

By the third time we did that, we’d formed a bond outside my usual friend group. She became the only person I could talk to about anything remotely queer; all my friends leaned toward homophobia.

Nduka: I’d been part of the community for about a year then, and had made many friends. But with her, I drifted apart from the other girls. Something about her being new to the whole lifestyle made her really attractive to me, so I did all I could to support her without being pushy. 

I knew I liked her the first day we went for a games night together in the same cab. I wanted to kiss her many times, but I held back. 

What was the turning point from all that holding back?

Nduka: Months after we met, she asked me if we could be friends outside just meeting because of the community.

Ene: I liked her a lot, but we only ever talked or hung out when there was a community activity. I wanted more than that. She said, “Of course,” but between work and the fact that I was paranoid about being outside together, we still only hung out with the community for months. 

Nduka: Then one Sunday, I just called and asked if I could come to her house. She still lived with her parents, so her “yes” was hesitant. I came anyway, and we stayed in her room the whole day talking and reading. 

Our relationship shifted to something beyond friendship that day. We kept looking at each other and our conversation was strongly flirtatious.

Ene: I was so shy and was constantly blushing.

Walk me through how you started dating

Nduka: After that day, we started having these long phone calls. But we also missed several community hangouts.

Ene: I think we were scared to be together in public. I was probably the scared one.

Nduka: No, I just knew I’d try to kiss or constantly hug you. And I don’t think you were ready for that.

Ene: The founders kept calling me to make sure I was fine. I wanted to tell them I think I’ve fallen in love with another member, and I don’t know how to act.

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I feel you, girl

Ene: Thank you.

Nduka: Anyway, during those phone calls, I’d sneak in that all I wanted was for her to be my girlfriend. And she’d find a way to sidetrack. It was so frustrating.

Ene: I didn’t want to read too much meaning into anything. And I’d also never dated a girl. I really didn’t know how to act.

Nduka: One day, I landed in her house once more. It was a Saturday, and it was just her mum who was home and in the living room. I kissed her, we made out for a bit, and I looked her in the eyes and said, “Please, be my girlfriend.” She shook her head but still said yes. That’s how I knew I was in for a rollercoaster.

Scrim. What happened?

Nduka: Our relationship for the next year or so was just her sneaking into my house — I’d moved out of my parents house and only had a roommate — and us making out, sometimes, having sex. That was it. I tried for a little romance. We’d buy each other gifts all the time, but we could never go out, and I couldn’t even hold her hand at community hangouts.

Ene: I was shy and scared.

Nduka: At first, it was fun showing her all the ways queer sex is better for women. But after a while, I wanted more. 

Don’t get me wrong, we also had very beautiful conversations. We’d open up to each other about everything and I’d feel so connected to her. So I told myself to be content with that.

Did you talk to her about wanting more?

Nduka: I brought it up. But I was also scared of pushing her back into the closet, so I treaded carefully.

Ene: She’s a really affectionate person. I kept thinking we’d be in public and she wouldn’t be able to help getting close to me and patting my hair out of my face or something. 

I also knew my friends wouldn’t accept her because she’s always been so openly queer. Yet I admired that about her. How boldly she’s who she is.

How has your relationship evolved since then?

Nduka: We’ve come so far, and it really just took us getting comfortable with each other. 

There were times when I thought I’d leave her for someone else. But I knew the other people wouldn’t be as open and sincere as her. I’d been with like four people before her and the relationships were always shallow and sexual. Not with her.

It was jarring to accept that I’d fallen in love with Ene at some point.

Ene: She was patient with me. 

I remember when we went on our first date in 2018. I was like, what was I so scared about. It was a lovely dinner at a restaurant, and it felt good to be with her in the open. We didn’t overthink or talk too much about it beforehand. It was just time.

Nduka: In 2019, we talked about getting married. But it was a funny conversation because we weren’t even discussing marrying each other. We were talking about if she’d have to marry a man. Her mum had suddenly started asking her about it, and it was the first time we addressed the fact that we couldn’t even get married. What did that mean for our commitment to each other?

Ene: I decided I didn’t want to marry anyone if I couldn’t marry her, so we moved in together soon after.

How does not being able to wed really feel?

Nduka: It sucks. 

Ene: It makes me feel vulnerable, and sometimes, insecure about our relationship.

Nduka: After so long together, it’s something we can comfortably ignore. We focus on what exists: the love between us, how important we are to each other. Everything else is just semantics.

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After so long together, do your parents, family or friends know?

Ene: I came out to my parents finally in 2021. And it was the scariest experience ever. I don’t know how I did it. I think they were so shocked they just pretend I never existed.

Nduka: I mean, they still check in on you from time to time.

Ene: My eldest brother heard and kept saying, “But you’re both so feminine. How does it work?” He was just laughing at me. It felt invalidating. I don’t know which would’ve been worse, what I got or anger.

Nduka: My mum knew I was queer from my uni days. But she’s prayed against the “spirit in me” to this day. 

I think what’s surprising, though, is how our families still quietly support us despite their differing beliefs. They still check in on us. My elder sisters are always in my house wanting to hangout. Most of my friends are open minded. But we had to lose most of her friends.

How did you feel about that, Ene?

Ene: Sad. 

But I never felt truly accepted among my friends, so I don’t let myself get too sad. This one “friend” actually started telling everyone, spreading gossip and lies about our relationship. It was toxic. Those weren’t really friends.

Nduka: We’ve made so many new healthy ones together.

Ene: The community has been the perfect support group. Our friends there are some of the best people I’ve ever known.

What does the future look like for your relationship?

Ene: We’ve been talking about children. I’ve always wanted kids so it’s been a major topic between us for the last couple of years. We’re still torn between getting a sperm donor we know or using a sperm bank for the IVF.

Nduka: We’ve been visiting fertility clinics, and they’ve been surprisingly homophobic.

Ene: We realised it’s smoother to approach them as a single mother than as a queer couple. And that’s been heartbreaking because it’s not like they particularly support an unmarried woman wanting kids either.

Nduka: Adoption was ruled out for obvious reasons. Crazy, but IVF is actually cheaper too.

Interesting. What about the pushback you may get while raising children as a queer couple in Nigeria?

Nduka: We’ve thought about it. But society has already taken the option to marry away from us. We won’t let them take this too.

Ene: I know it’ll be drama, especially when they start going to primary and secondary school. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I’m scared, but not scared enough to not at least try.

Fair. What was your first major fight about?

Ene: We fight about money a lot. She’s too extravagant with her spending, especially on gadgets and appliances.

Nduka: Or you’re too thrifty. She’s saving for the apocalypse or something. She can go days without spending a dime, which is a skill that’s thankfully rubbed off on me.

Ene: A little. 

Anyway, I wouldn’t call them major fights. Don’t think we’ve had a major fight.

Nduka: No.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Nduka: 8. Nigeria should let us marry in peace.

Ene: Yes, 8. When it’s just us, it’s perfect. But once the world comes in…

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

READ THIS NEXT: Love Life: I Met Him Through a Radio Show as a 40+ Single Mum

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Kola: We met during a church outreach in Kaduna in 1987. She served there when I was transferred to Kaduna town with other church members for missionary work. She met some church representatives who went to preach to corpers while she was in camp, so when she got out, she started attending our local fellowship with her friends. 

The first day I saw her, we got along very well, and I invited her and her friends over to the missionary lodge for lunch. We ended up having a mini bible study and talking about life. At first, I liked one of her friends and thought about courting her, but by the end of the day, I preferred Wunmi. I liked her gentle temperament.

Wunmi: I first saw him when he preached about God’s love during one fellowship. He was so passionate about his message that he made me want to experience that kind of love more. 

After he invited us to the lodge and we talked, I had a feeling we’d get married. Back then, the process of dating was a lot simpler. You find someone you gel with, and if they gel with you too, it’s smooth sailing from there to marriage except there are complications like tribalism, religion or genotype. We already knew we were well-matched in the first two, and by the next meeting, we’d confirmed we were both AA.

So did you immediately decide on marriage?

Kola: No. We courted first. 

I introduced her to my mentor in Kaduna then and also telephoned my spiritual father back in Oyo about her. All that happened in the first month. She didn’t tell any of her folks about me because we decided she’d have to finish NYSC first before we moved things forward. But I wanted to set things right spiritually.

Wunmi: I was also watching him to be sure he was kind and I liked spending time with him. He helped me get a room at the lodge, so I spent the service year working for the government, helping out at the fellowship and spending time with him and other church leaders. I never had to worry about food or transportation. It was such a peaceful, lovely time. 

Then he got called back to his home church in Ibadan about two months before my passing out. But he promised to come to Lagos and marry me once I was back there. We exchanged contact addresses, and he left. I cried for days because I missed his constant presence. That’s how I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

I’m guessing he came to Lagos as promised?

Wunmi: He did. 

First, he called the house some weeks after I’d settled in. This was in May 1988. My older brother picked up the phone and called me to answer it. I was so happy to hear his voice after so long. He came to see my father sometime in June, and something funny happened. My father didn’t like him.

Kola: We never got along until the day he died.

Wunmi: He told me, “This man is sickly. Is this really who you want to marry?” 

Kola has always been lanky. In fact, that was one of the things that attracted me to him when we were in Kaduna, his tall, lean frame. My dad asked me to find out what was wrong with him because he was sure something was wrong. I felt bad because it’s not like he looked sick, he was just lanky. 

I went ahead and asked him. He told me nothing was wrong. My father later gave his consent for us to marry after some long investigations from both families.

What kind of investigations?

Kola: My family sent some trusted people to find out about her family and hometown. It was very common in our time for people to go to your village and get to the root of your upbringing and family line even before the normal family introduction. 

Her family did the same until both sides were satisfied. 

Wunmi: My father even sent our firstborn to his workplace in UTC Foods to make sure he really worked there. We passed all the tests, and our families finally met in Lagos. The traditional and wedding proper happened in my hometown in Sagamu in April 1989. 

Everything happened smoothly, and we moved to Ibadan together.

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How was it like being newlyweds?

Wunmi: It was scary and I was homesick. I’d never lived in Ibadan before then. I was also a bit of a Mama’s girl. Even though I schooled in Ife, I used to go home for every single holiday. In fact, my NYSC year was the only time I’d lived away from home for a stretch. 

But the real stress all started when we were ready to consummate the marriage some weeks after the wedding and he couldn’t make it work.

Kola: I thought it was just anxiety. When this persisted for about a month, we went to the clinic and discovered I had high blood sugar. They had to refer me to University College Hospital. It took several tests before they diagnosed me with Type 2 diabetes. 

Wunmi: It had been left untreated in his system for too long. The first thing that came to my mind was that my father was right. Should I have listened to him and not married Kola? We were crushed, but the doctor assured us that all would be well after a few months of proper treatment.

Was he right?

Wunmi: He became potent after a while, but I still couldn’t conceive. We tried for years and nothing; his sperm count was too low. We took it to God in prayer and told our spiritual leaders. It made the first several years of our marriage quite sad.

Kola: As if getting the diagnosis reminded my body that something was wrong, I started getting weak all the time. The medications managed the weakness and sugar deficiency but made me feel horrible. Managing my health with work and the constant stress about making a family was a great trial for us. 

Wunmi: I got a job at a school two years into marriage, and it helped distract me a bit. But all we did was try everything we could afford to try to help me conceive. 

I’m not sure there was anything like IVF then. Surrogacy could only happen if I wanted another man’s sperm inserted into my womb. Somehow, the thought of that only made our situation feel worse.

How did this affect your daily relationship with each other?

Kola: At first, we stayed positive. But by the third year, around the time when she got her job, we started to fight a lot. We were constantly arguing, and I could tell I was making her miserable.

Wunmi: I think I was just hurt and confused.

Kola: Things mellowed by the fourth year. Maybe she resigned herself to the situation, but she became more willing to be happy in the marriage. We could have normal conversations again, and I noticed she never brought up having a baby, so I followed suit.

Wunmi: After our fifth year of marriage, in ‘94, my mum visited. She’d visited a couple of times before then, but this time, she came with a purpose. It was written all over her when she walked through our door. In private, she asked me what was going on that we hadn’t conceived. 

She was the kind of sweet mother who would’ve never pressured me to give her grandchildren, but even she had reached her limit. I had to confide in her about Kola’s health condition.

What was her reaction?

Wunmi: She was so sad at first. But then she said, “It’s not the end of the world. We’ll just remain prayerful.” I burst into tears in her chest. 

I’d never really thought about having children as this amazing thing I wanted at all costs, but it was something that one just expects to do with ease. I didn’t know how to get past not being able to be a mother. But after that, I resolved that I’d accept my fate.

Kola: She became more withdrawn after that particular visit from her mother. But I didn’t know why until we spoke about it years later. It affected our spiritual life too. The stress made us withdraw from active evangelism and missionary work. 

Wunmi: There was a brief moment when I lost faith, not quite in God but in the religious activities and constant prayer. Between ‘93 and ‘95, I wasn’t prayerful at all. I was exhausted from playing Hannah earlier on in our marriage. I just wanted to attend normal Sunday service, take what I could from the sermon and go.

What about your sex life?

Kola: The last time we had sex regularly was most likely in ‘95 or ‘96.

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Were you ever able to get past this dark part of your marriage?

Kola: Our tenth year was the turning point for us, I think. 

We moved to Lagos in 1999, away from the relatives and acquaintances who constantly badgered her about when we planned to start having children.

Wunmi: He got a new job in Lagos, and moving back to a state I knew well was surprisingly healing. We focused more on being good friends and partners and planning out the rest of our lives. That’s also when we first considered adopting. Although we didn’t take it seriously until well into 2001.

Kola: Some years before then, one of my cousins brought up plans for him and his wife to adopt, and my family had frowned on it seriously. My late father was very vocal in his disapproval. They made it impossible for the cousin to go through with it because of how often they brought it up and made it seem like he was evil for even considering it. 

So I knew if we had to do it, no one could know the children were adopted.

How did you pull that off?

Kola: First, I had to also convince Wunmi to want to keep it secret. Then we had to go through Nigeria’s stringent adoption process for a newborn.

Wunmi: This also affected our relationship because I was uncomfortable with the dishonesty. I didn’t think it would work. It also meant I’d have to spend months with his sister in America to “give birth”. 

But I decided to accept. I was just tired of the whole thing.

Tell me how it went

Kola: We started the adoption process in August 2001 and completed it in February 2003, so the newborn we’d initially selected had to be replaced with another baby. We never met the parents; we only saw photos. 

Wunmi: This scared me because wouldn’t they want to meet the people who’d take over as parents to their baby? It made me wonder what kind of genetics our new baby would have. But then, I put myself in their shoes and realised maybe it’d be too painful for them to meet us and still hand their baby over. 

I was also scared they’d grow up and want to know their biological parents.

Kola: Completing the adoption process meant that they got new birth certificates with our names on them as their parents, so I didn’t worry too much about it. But there was a long back and forth working with the officials, getting the social welfare officers to visit our home and submit positive recommendations to the court and so on. Halfway through, I just wanted to give up.

Wunmi: Meanwhile, I felt so ashamed lying to my mum, of all people, about everything. And when she passed away in 2002, I was inconsolable. I know I would’ve told her about it in the end. I never would’ve gone through with it without telling her. 

I’m so sorry. What exactly did you do to successfully keep the whole plan a secret from family and friends?

Kola: We’d rather not discuss that here.

Wunmi: But it’s no longer a secret. Shortly after we adopted our second baby in 2006, we told everyone about it and how the first was also adopted. It was just time; we’d matured a lot, and it was less easy to go through with the elaborate charade a second time.

Kola: We were ostracised in many ways, but in the end, we were fine. At least, the children have grown up knowing the truth, so it doesn’t crush their identity in adulthood.

True. In what ways were you ostracised?

Kola: My father disowned me for about two years until I had to make a show of seeking out his forgiveness with several visits, tears and prostrations. My mother refused to come and help Wunmi out after we just brought home our second child.

Wunmi: She said something like, “You didn’t push her out, so you’re strong enough to handle taking care of her na.” We managed to get by without much family support.

Kola: Her father already didn’t like me, so he felt quite justified by everything that was happening.

Wunmi: Maybe because of this, our second baby drew us closer. She was a gentle and easygoing baby. We found it easy to work together to take care of her and the household during this period.

Did things get easier after this?

Wunmi: Yes. After the children came into our lives, it felt like we could finally settle and move forward. I started a catering business and became more active in church because I wanted to raise them to be godly.

Kola: She still worries about them asking about their real parents, but so far, that’s never happened. 

What would you do if they asked?

Kola: We’ll point them in the right direction and leave the rest to God.

Wunmi: That might be easier said than done for me.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Wunmi: I’d rate it a 7 because it could’ve been a lot worse, but we’ve been able to approach our battles with kindness, gentleness and the grace of God.

Kola: She has said it all. 7.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Shola: We met on Twitter in March 2023. She posted about food and how she wanted to cook for her future husband. Me being a foodie, I commented under the tweet. She was really expressive after that and kept replying to my tweets, so I slid into her DM. She almost curved me but eventually gave me her number.

Damilola: The first time we spoke over the phone, we ended up talking all night. And that’s not my normal behaviour.

Is that how you realised you liked each other?

Shola: She recommended a Pastor Adeboye movie for me to watch that night. I’m usually so busy, so I don’t get to watch TV a lot. But the next day, I made sure I watched it so I could tell her I did and this is exactly what happened in it. 

At that point, I knew I liked her and wanted her close, closer than a friend.

Damilola: Yeah, we bonded over Mount Zion movies and had a long “getting to know each other” period.

But how I really knew I liked him was when we were done talking over the phone one night, and I said, “Bye”. His response was, “Don’t ever tell me bye, only goodnight.” We paused for several seconds, and I remember smiling and thinking, “This guy is so sweet.”

When did you guys finally meet?

Damilola: Our first meeting was our first date in 2023. We attended a Beautiful Nubia concert. I’m a huge fan of their music, so you can imagine how much I was looking forward to the date. He suggested it and bought tickets because I’d mentioned how much I liked them.

How did it go?

Shola: We met at a restaurant to talk before the show started at 5 p.m. We’d been communicating for about a month before the date, and the vibe matched when we met, which was great. 

Damilola: After eating, we laughed and talked so much that we lost track of time and booked a ride to take us to the venue at the very last minute. 

In the car, we took pictures together and the conversation was flowing effortlessly when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. He asked if I wanted to go home. I said no. We were almost at the event, and I didn’t want to ruin things. 

Don’t tell me things got ruined anyway

Damilola: We got to the venue early at almost 5:30 p.m. Beautiful Nubia’s band was playing with barely 50 people present, so we got spots in the front row. Shortly after we sat down, I felt a sharper pain in my stomach and we had to step out of the venue. I began to feel dizzy and realised I couldn’t walk properly. The pain became so intense that my legs were shaking. 

Shola: At this point, I was scared.

Damilola: I sat on a concrete slab already crying silently when I felt the urge to use the restroom. We were surrounded by parked cars and barricades, and I couldn’t stand up without messing up my clothes. 

An agbero approached us to ask what was happening. Shola explained the situation, and I begged them to let me relieve myself right there. I couldn’t take it. I was reacting to the food we’d just eaten. I barely eat out because my stomach reacts to the most random things. 

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So you had to poop in public on your first date?

Damilola: Not exactly. Shola said he wouldn’t let that happen.

Shola: Another man came to ask what’s up and offered to let her use the restroom in his house, a five-minute walk away. 

Damilola: As we walked to the man’s house, I felt something leave my body and collapsed on the floor. 

Ahhh. I’m so sorry

Damilola: Shola was almost in tears, and I felt really bad for him. I was so embarrassed. 

He carried me on his back as we rushed to the man’s house. I used his toilet the first time but didn’t feel better. While we were booking a ride to go to the nearest pharmacy, I felt the stomach pain again. I was so scared it would drop right there that I begged Shola to let me use the drainage in front of the man’s house. I was that desperate. 

Shola: Thankfully, the man let her use his toilet again instead. 

How did you guys get through such a first date?

Damilola: I was weak and tired, but we went to a pharmacy and then returned to the event. 

He asked me a billion times if I was sure we should go back. When we got there and the place was already full, he immediately grabbed two plastic chairs stacked at the back and cleaned them for us. I felt bad for traumatising him, but he was super caring throughout. And we had an amazing time.

Shola: I realised that God just wanted to test how much I’d love her, how ready we were to be together. Because right after that, we both knew this was it. We’re getting married to each other.

Damilola: There’s been no doubt since that day that the relationship would work. And thank God, so far we’ve not been wrong.

What happened after this date?

Damilola: I told my sister and friends what happened, and they didn’t believe me. When the Twitter thread I posted about it went viral, I’d send the funny comments to him, and we’d all laugh. 

We continued talking, and he’s remained caring throughout. One time when I was sick, I told him I hadn’t eaten. He came all the way to my house when I was still staying at Magboro, brought me amala and some fruits. I remember eating the apple and telling him it tasted somehow.

Shola: We kept going out together and getting deeper into each other’s lives. I met her roommate, Aduke, that same week, and we started meeting all our friends shortly after. Before I knew it, they were all calling me “Shollylupitini”, her nickname for me.

When did things become official?

Damilola: Three days after the date, I invited him to my house and it just happened in the middle of a conversation. He stopped and looked at me. I asked why he was staring, and he said, ”Will you be my girlfriend with marriage in view?” I was shocked and said yes immediately.

My flatmate, Aduke, had made fried rice and turkey for his visit, so we just sat and ate, and they bonded over the fact that they both graduated from OAU.

Shola: That night, she gave some of her friends my number, and they called to congratulate me.

Damilola: Three months after the date, he asked to come see my parents. I was like, “What for?” It felt too serious to me at the time, but I told my dad and we invited him over. He came with some of his friends, and we all had a meal with my parents at home. 

After that meeting, my dad was so happy. He kept saying, “I like that boy. He’s so cool and calm.” The next thing, he was asking me to come meet his mum in Berger.

Ouuu

Damilola: I was like, “Why?” I was so scared.

Shola: I just wanted everyone who was important to me to know her. I was so excited about her, and I still am. My mum knew about her and was eager to meet her too.

Damilola: We went to see her together, and she cooked for us. I remember thinking the food was so delicious. It was semo and efo-riro. I even asked if I could have more to take home, and she willingly packed me a big bowl. She was so nice to me.

Before Shola even proposed, I’d call every so often to check up on her. I could just show up at her house, and she’d be so happy to see me.

Speaking of the proposal, how did that go?

Shola: Like I said, from that first date, I knew she was the one. Every time we remember what happened, we’re able to laugh and make jokes about it. We promised we’d tell our kids the funny story of how we met.

As the months passed, my feelings for her didn’t fade at all. I just had to decide at some point that I wanted to take a bold step.

Damilola: I actually saw the ring weeks before the proposal; he doesn’t know this. I knew he’d propose, but I just didn’t know when.

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How did you find the ring, Damilola?

Damilola: I was at his place one day. This was towards the end of September 2023. I entered his room, and he just said, “Don’t go near that bag.” I was like, “Ehn? What could be in there?” So once he left the room, I went straight to the bag and saw the ring. I even tried it on and took a picture. But I later deleted it.

Shola: Wow. Wow. Wow.

Damilola: The day he finally proposed, on October 7th, he got my most stubborn friend, Bimpe, to bully me to get my nails and hair done and dress up to go eat at a restaurant with her. At first, I was like, “Don’t disturb me jo.” I was at a low point in my life, so I was ready to just throw on a random dress and some slippers. But she can be very assertive.

Shola: That’s why I got her to do it.

Damilola: I did my best and got there. I was even texting to check in on him because he had an important meeting. She kept moving me in different angles to take pictures at the restaurant and ordered food even though I said I wasn’t hungry. 

That’s how the food came and the waiter opened it and I saw a chocolate writing that said, “Will you marry me?” I just froze. I turned around and saw him on both knees. Omo, tears straight. He read out a poem he wrote and brought out the ring.

Shola: Do you know what she said to me? “Ko si bi tama tiesi” (I don’t have anywhere else to push you to). We had our civil wedding last week; our main wedding is in June.

That sounds beautiful. Was there ever a time you felt unsure about the relationship, though?

Damilola: I had a dark moment last August when my job was affecting me psychologically and I was determined to resign. No one understood. My dad called to beg me not to leave. Shola kept reminding me that there were no jobs out there.

Shola: I didn’t want her to have to struggle with unemployment. But I wasn’t really listening to how she felt.

Damilola: I listened to them for about two months then I quit without telling anyone. It was after I submitted my letter that I called to tell him I’d done it.

Shola: I felt bad that she kept it from me, but I supported her decision.

What happened after?

Shola: She was so irritable during that period. It was obvious that any mention of a job or money annoyed her so I avoided that. But I saw how hard she worked to make some money off her writing side gigs and also apply for better jobs. 

Two months later, she had a new job that was a lot better than the last in terms of everything.

Damilola: When I got the new one, everyone started saying, “Thank God you didn’t stay back at that other place.” Funny enough, Shola proposed just a week before they called me to start this new job.

Neat. Have you guys ever had a major fight?

Shola: Before we started dating, she really proved hard to get as women do. But I stayed persistent, calling and checking up on her, expressing my intentions. That caused friction at many points. 

I won’t say we’ve ever had a major one. Even in arguments, we made a promise to always settle on the same day. Even if one person is asleep, we wake them up to settle any issues.

Damilola: Before we met at the concert, there was a night I complained to him about my former workplace. I told him about an incident with a patient, and he said, “Customers are always right.” I got so angry. I was like, “I don’t think I like you. I’ll never like you when you say stuff like this.” 

That’s actually what led to that story I mentioned earlier when I said, “Bye” and he called me back to say, “Don’t ever tell me bye.” That was a memorable argument that ended pretty well. We never go to bed upset with each other, so I can’t even remember a particular situation that I’d call a minor or major fight between us. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Damilola: 10 over 10 minus nothing. We’re best friends, and I love the way he carries my matter on his head.

Shola: I won’t say 10. I’ll say 8 because it’ll only get better. But now, it’s 8, which is still an A.

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RELATED: Love Life: My Parents Don’t Know She Has HIV

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your first memory of each other?

Nan: At a campus event back in the University of Ibadan in 1986. 

I was in my final year studying economics. It was a public lecture, and she was leaving early when we crossed paths outside the hall. I said hello to her just as I did to some other students, but something about her made me want to ask her name. It was such a fleeting encounter.

Ruth: I told him my name, and he smiled so wide; his late mum’s name was Ruth. It was an interesting coincidence. We parted ways, and he promised to come look for me in my dorm. 

I soon forgot about him, and the semester passed without us seeing each other again.

How did you reconnect?

Ruth: Another coincidence. 

When I returned to school, my new roommate happened to be his sister. I guess it was meant to be. I followed her to visit this brother of hers about a week after we resumed, and there he was. 

Nan: She didn’t even recognise me at first. I saw her at my door and called her name. That’s when she remembered and smiled. I apologised for not looking for her as I’d promised. The visit suddenly became between me and her instead of me and my sister. 

We talked and talked, and after that, I started going to their hall for weekly visits.

I imagine that at this point you already knew you liked each other

Nan: Yes. There was something about how confidently she spoke. She reminded me of my mother, besides them sharing names. My late mother was a very formidable woman in her time.

Ruth: I liked that he gave me so much attention. He was also calm and smart. Back then, he ran a small poultry business that was earning him cool cash, so I felt confident to get into a relationship with him. He seemed responsible.

What was the relationship like as undergrads back then?

Ruth: Not much different from nowadays. 

We went out on dates, attended many parties together, and when we got back from school, he’d call on me at home. But we didn’t stay in the same city, so he did that only once in a while. I was always excited to see him.

Nan: We were always together once lecture hours ended. We didn’t have the luxury of calling or texting. Once we weren’t together, we wouldn’t hear from each other till the next time, so I was always looking to meet up with her again.

I was graduating at the end of that session, so as that time came, we got a lot more serious about the end goal of our relationship. 

Ruth: It’s so long ago, but I remember that we were so in love. You couldn’t tell us anything about heartbreak or how we were still in the honeymoon stage and all that. You would’ve started avoiding me if we were friends then. All I talked about was him. My friends were supportive, though. They all loved him.

Did his graduation change any of that?

Ruth: In some ways, yes. Although this wouldn’t have been my response at the time.

Nan: After the ceremony, I decided I wanted us to get married immediately, so I planned to come with my kinsmen to visit her father as soon as I got home. Not up to a month later, we arrived at her father’s duplex then in Zaria. 

We got married some five months later, and she left school so we could start housekeeping right away.

Why did you decide to leave school, Ruth?

Ruth: I was in love and ready to start the family. I thought I didn’t need a degree. I don’t know why. So many women were getting married and returning to complete their degrees. But everyone was supportive of it. We already planned that I’d open a store, and I did. 

We were very comfortable for a while, and I didn’t regret that decision. I got a couple of computer certifications later on.

Nan: I wanted her to be able to stay home and enjoy birthing and nurturing our family without the pressures of work. I was also comfortable enough then to make that decision because of my business, help from both our parents, and I also entered civil service some months into our marriage.

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What was marriage like after an almost whirlwind romance?

Nan: Things went smoothly for years. 

Ruth: We continued spending all our time together whenever we could. When he was at work, I managed our small grocery store which we merged with the sales side of his poultry business. When he was home, he came to the store and we talked and made plans then went home together. 

We had our first two children in ‘88 and ‘89.

Nan: Parenthood was a wake-up call for us. I think once the children became one and two years old, we realised that life isn’t beans. Money started finishing anyhow. There was always something basic to buy.

Ruth: Emotions started running high out of stress to make money and have time for all the children’s needs. He had to find supplementary sources of income which meant travelling a lot at some point. I suddenly felt left on my own to take care of two young children. They didn’t have to tell me twice to adopt family planning.

How did you navigate this stage after just two years of marriage?

Ruth: With a lot of tears, but also love. It didn’t feel too unbearable because we still cared deeply for each other and the life we were trying to build. Luckily, I had my mum come to help for several months. And money was coming in, so it wasn’t too bad.

Nan: There was so much pressure on me as the breadwinner. I wanted to be more present to support her at home, but I knew where my responsibilities lay. The only thing we got wrong was not communicating more to make sure our connection was still there. 

Again, I envy this generation where we can just pick up our phones to call when we’re out of sight for too long.

Ruth: I felt he was using the fact that he needed to go out to make money to stay away from home as much as possible. He could go weeks on a business trip, and I’d just be left wondering what exactly he was doing. But he’d always wire money to us every week.

Did things ever get better?

Ruth: Yes, after about two years, things settled. 

He’d been able to establish a cocoa distribution business, so in 1992, we relocated to Ikom, Cross River, fully. I had our lastborn in 1993, and things were good. I had to close my shop for us to relocate, and he lost his poultry somewhere along the way. 

Nan: But I’d also gotten high up in civil service, so things were great.

Ruth: We had peace for up to ten years until 2001 when everything crashed.

What happened?

Nan: My cocoa business went bad. I lost a large consignment after a bad deal and had to use most of my revenue to pay off loans. It was a very tough time for us. The kids were in secondary school and fees weren’t cheap even then. Luckily, our house was rented for us by the federal government. 

Ruth: We lived in a nice house and estate but ate hand to mouth for months. 

Nan: We had to go back to the drawing board, so I came up with the plan to use a large chunk of our savings to go into oil and gas. We had to buy two tankers, employ drivers and pay for parking at a trailer park daily. 

Ruth: I actually advised against it because I felt he didn’t know enough about the industry to get into it.

Oh no

Nan: I consulted with someone who was running the business successfully, and we thought we had all the right information to hit the ground running. But it was one issue after the other: policies changed every other month, there was always some official or officer to bribe, and you never knew what your drivers were doing with your tankers once they crossed the expressway. 

Ruth: Long story short, we lost the two tankers and ended up in a long court case over illegal interstate distribution over something one of the drivers did behind his back. All our money and investment was gone in less than a year. We’ve still not sighted those tankers till today.

It was a brutal stage in our life. Not only was it jarring to lose so much money in only a couple of years, but our standard of living changed greatly. We only had one source of income: his civil service job.

Nan: It took us years to cover our debts and get reasonable savings.

How did this affect your relationship?

Ruth: We were two angry adults for a long time. Although, we weren’t necessarily angry with each other. There was a lot of quiet in the house for years, and more tears.

Nan: I blamed myself for how things turned out for our family, so I kept to myself mostly. I cut off most of our friends and focused on going to work and coming back. Ruth was always at church so the divide just widened.

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Have you had a major fight in your years together?

Nan: Oh countless times. We fought during those early years when I used to travel a lot. We fought when I asked that we move our lives to Ikom.

Ruth: I didn’t know anyone there and had never even been to Cross River before. Besides, it was never part of the plan when we first got married. I refused to pack, but he had to bring our families into it, and I had to consider that we needed to move to where he could make more money.

Nan: We fought after the fuel business went under. I realised I should’ve been more transparent with her about the running of the business. I should’ve listened to her input. It was a tough time indeed.

How did you recover from it?

Ruth: We’ve simply coasted through since then. Nan focused on work rather than business. I’ve done some buying and selling over the years, mostly fabric and clothes. But mostly, I ran the home until he retired and the children moved out one by one.

Nan: Now, we survive on returns from investments I made over the last decade. Properties, dividend-paying stocks and our children’s goodwill, haha.

Ruth: We also bought land right after his retirement in 2022, and started building small small. We’ll move into the BQ later this year. 

What’s kept us sane is always sharing our plans with each other just to soundboard if nothing else. We’ve also not gone into many high-risk investments, but I think we’ve tried.

Nan: Yes, we took a lot of risk in our time and made the most of it.

What do you think has kept you together for so long considering the ups and downs?

Nan: We decided in 1987 to do this life together. If one can’t keep that most special vow, why should anyone trust us with anything else? It’s been a decision every step of the way, that we’re a team and we have no choice but to carry each other along.

Ruth: What you just said, I think that’s it. We’ve learnt to consciously carry each other long no matter what. Whether it’s a win or lose, we regard it as ours, never his or mine. Especially after what happened in 2001, it tore us apart but also drew us close. A lot of the decisions he made then, he made alone. We’ve learnt to be more accountable to each other since.

Nan: Maybe it’s also our upbringing. We were taught that it was till death do us part. 

Ruth: Just because that initial passion and romance fade doesn’t mean everything else that’s great about marriage — companionship, duty, faith — means nothing.

Nan: But if it wasn’t ingrained in us by society to value these things, maybe we’d have divorced by now. There were certainly many opportunities for us to do so.

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Nan: 10. It’s not perfect, but it’s ours, and we’ll value it like it’s gold.

Ruth: So well said. I’ll say 10 too.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU’D LOVE THIS: Love Life: I Had a Crush on My Customer

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tunde: A mutual friend introduced us. Not even for a relationship. She felt we’d be good friends because we both loved video games and animation.

Malobi: She invited us for a small get-together in her house. We started talking, and that was it. Within weeks, we were hanging out a lot and having sex before we ever decided to get committed.

How did that happen?

Tunde: Anyone who knows me knows I’m as passionate about games as they get. It’s hard to find someone you can geek out with without limit, even with my fellow gamer guys. 

She’s just as obsessed as I am, and it felt so good to spend time with her.

Malobi: The sex just snuck in on us. I honestly can’t even remember how it happened. But it was memorable, so we kept doing it.

Was it sex that made you realise you liked each other beyond gaming?

Tunde: It was everything together. 

Once we started talking about games, strategies, gist from our favourite game companies and popular gamers, and analysing new animations, it transitioned into always looking forward to telling her things in general. Everything from what someone said at the office to what I planned to eat on Sunday. 

She wouldn’t share as much, but there I was, always telling her everything.

Malobi: I’m just a more reserved person. I usually don’t even have much to tell. But I always wanted to spend time with him. One day, I realised I always wanted to be in his space. I was in his house and room a lot. 

Tunde: We went from wrestling over the games and gamepads to sex. We didn’t even say let’s reach second base first. 

My guys still laugh at me when they hear.

How did you go from that to a committed relationship?

Malobi: It took a couple of months. 

It was one funny Saturday evening. My parents were out of town for the weekend, and my sister was in school. He came by my house — empty-handed, as usual. I was studying for a professional course, so I couldn’t join him in playing COD. We both got hungry, and I pulled him to the kitchen to make jollof pasta and dodo with me. 

Somewhere in the midst of that, he asked me out.

Tunde: I loved the feeling of standing with her, frying plantains. 

Malobi: I said I was okay with it as long as he took me out on actual dates and spent real money on me. Because that’s the real difference between dating and being friends with benefits, isn’t it?

True. Did things change once you started dating?

Malobi: Not really. We went out sometimes, but not nearly enough. Like once in months. I didn’t mind at the time because we’re both homebodies.

Tunde: We also don’t like each other’s outside preferences.

Explain, please

Tunde: I’m more of a beer and lounge guy. She likes high-effort places like beaches or restaurants and big events where she’ll stay for an hour and then start saying we should go home. Uber transport wasted just like that?

Malobi: We like each other a lot better indoors. 

It didn’t take us a year before we moved in together in 2019. I’ve always been scared of the idea of co-habiting with anyone because I was always annoyed with my parents and siblings growing up, but we’re actually the most perfect roomies.

Tunde: She doesn’t snore, and we’re the same level of clean, so no one annoys the other. We just get each other’s subtle needs. She’s not a morning person at all. So I don’t go near her until just before we leave for work around 8 a.m.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

Why did you decide to move in together?

Tunde: After I moved out of my parents’ house, she got a job closer to my house, and after a while of going from her house to work and then staying over at my place for days, I convinced her to move in.

Malobi: I spent almost a year moving in. It wasn’t like I went home, packed all my things in boxes, announced my departure to the family and moved. Maybe that’s why my parents allowed me, because they didn’t even know it was happening until it was too late. 

I didn’t do it on purpose, though; I was just lazy.

And how has co-habiting affected your relationship?

Tunde: Apart from easy access, I’m not sure it has much. We get to talk in person anytime we want. We talk about everything and anything. We honestly have the most insane conversations.

Malobi: We might start a podcast. We keep procrastinating. 

But also, living together is probably the only reason we haven’t broken up yet.

Ah. Why?

Malobi: Sometime around 2021, we stopped being exclusive.

Tunde: We drifted apart and started liking other people, so we agreed it was fine to see them.

So, like an open relationship?

Tunde: It’s more like we took breaks, but they never lasted. We always come back to each other.

Malobi: But then, we can’t really seem to commit. There’s always this feeling that something is missing. We’ve spoken about it a couple of times. We’d go months without sex, then finally have sex, and the relationship goes great for several more months.

When I got pregnant in 2022, I almost didn’t tell anyone about it. I was so close to aborting. Now, we have a kid, we’re closer than ever, but we’re still not sure we want to get married or anything like that.

What are your African parents saying about it?

Tunde: Of course, my parents want us to get married yesterday. They already call her my wife. But they respect that I’m not ready yet. I’ll take things at my own pace.

Malobi: Omo, my mum stopped talking to me for a while when I told her I was pregnant but we weren’t ready for marriage yet. You know how parents feel about babies. It’s like an automatic call from God to get married at once. 

If that isn’t the plan, what is?

Tunde: We honestly don’t have one yet.

Malobi: And that’s fine. We’re all just managing Nigeria as it comes. Homeschooling our little toddler has helped us bond. She likes games just like us two.

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Cute. What was your first major fight about?

Malobi: Before we ever got romantically involved, we had this huge fight over a game I won. We were playing at someone’s party, and someone distracted him, so he was convinced that was the only reason I won. 

I felt offended by that.

Tunde: She now brought gender and sexism into it.

Malobi: I mean, the way he said it was that there was no way I’d ever win him. Why would he just assume I can’t play well enough?

Right?

Tunde: I got angry with the babe who distracted me, and while we were exchanging words, Malobi cut in with her own. I found it wild because, at that point, I’d already played against her several times, and she’d beat me a couple of times. So why would I think she’d never beat me because she’s a girl?

Malobi: We made up some hours after. We both agreed we’d had a lot to drink. We’ve fought over games many times after sha.

Have you ever made love over a game, though?

Tunde: Many times. That’s how this whole thing started. It used to hit different when we’d just played a long, highly competitive game together.

Malobi: Now, it happens less, but I’m so happy we still make time to play for long hours.

Tunde: She also does eSports and makes us small money from time to time. I get so proud when we go out and she wins.

But how do you deal with finances in a relationship with little commitment?

Tunde: We keep separate accounts if that’s what you’re asking. 

Malobi: We live together, so we share most major expenses. Also, baby. Babies are expensive, but we’ve never so much as argued over money. 

Do you ever regret moving in together?

Malobi: Nope. I’ve enjoyed myself so far. Also, I can think of no easier way to have escaped my father’s house. I’ve never known one day of sadness here.

Tunde: Wow. I don’t even know what to say. I’m glad that living together has made you happy. I don’t regret it either. Even more beautiful than her moving into my flat in 2019 was when we moved into our current place together after COVID.

Malobi: It’s been all peace and good vibes from day one. Except when we have dry spells and turn to other people, but it’s always temporary. 

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Tunde: Maybe 7. We obviously don’t have everything figured out.

Malobi: Yeah, 7.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

Here’s another: Love Life: People Mistake Me for Her Mother

Get a free ticket to Strings Attached and enjoy a feel-good evening of music, dancing and games at Muri Okunola Park, Lagos on May 11, 2024.

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Doris: I’d just moved to Canada for school in 2022 and got this apartment two weeks in. It was a two-bed and she happened to be my housemate. She’d moved in the day before me. When I came in alone with my luggage, she received me so warmly. She helped me bring my stuff in. Her aunty, who lived in a different province, was there for the weekend, and they both helped me unpack and settle in. 

Lase: That long weekend, we talked on and off — about our plans, short and long-term, and agreed it was wild that we both came from Lagos. 

She’s such an open sharer, and our rapport was great from day one. I knew I was lucky to have her as a housemate. All my friends who’d japa to different parts of Canada always complained about their housemates. Either they were like ghosts or they were just problematic. That’s how I was deceived into thinking I wouldn’t be as lonely in Canada as people warned. 

Doris: By Monday, her aunt was gone, we had to start attending classes straight away, and the loneliness set in properly.

Tell me about the loneliness

Doris: We spent most of the day in school, and we weren’t studying the same course, so we hardly saw each other. Also, we had to find jobs quickly, so we constantly went for open calls and interviews in those early days. 

Lase: We weren’t in a popular province, so not many other Nigerians were in school. The other foreigners weren’t giving “approachable”, so everyone just kept to themselves. You tried to learn what you could from the lecturers and you went to your house; that was it. 

At home, we were too tired to even chat, especially when we both got jobs the next week.

Doris: We spent most of what we made on bills and groceries/toiletries. So, on weekends, it was more sleep, small gisting and doom-scrolling on TikTok. There was no one to visit, no fun place to go. It was school, work, bed and repeat. The holidays were worse; no school or work.

For several months, we only saw or talked to each other. This was in sharp contrast with my life in Lagos. I still dream about my active social life pre-japa to this day.

Did things ever get better?

Lase: Yes, but I think it’s because we got used to it, not that things got that much more fun. We go out more now, though.

Doris: We moved down to Alberta in late 2023, after our graduation. That helped us find our tribe and expanded our social activities a lot. Yet we could still go weeks without seeing anyone but ourselves and some work colleagues — we both work hybrid.

Lase: We got so close, very early on, that we did everything together. As far as 2022, the year we met, we’d sleep in the same bed just so we could gist longer and escape loneliness. In Alberta, we just continued on with that habit.

When did you realise you liked each other beyond friendship?

Doris: When we started talking about our forced celibacy. 

This was still in 2022. We discovered we were both fairly sexually active in Lagos. Having to stay off sex because there was simply no time or opportunities to find love post-japa was jarring.

Lase: Five months in, it suddenly hit me that I wasn’t having any sex on top of being lonely, and I felt so physically uncomfortable. I’ve never even thought of myself as not being able to do without sex. But I was losing my mind. I think it was the celibacy combined with the loneliness, homesickness and general anxiety about a completely new phase in my life. Talking it out with her really helped me stay sane.

Doris: One day, we started talking about how we weren’t getting any, and one day again, we tried to make out in bed. It felt good, and we went on from there.

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Did you know you were gay before then?

Doris: No.

Lase: Nope.

Doris: I’d say I’m sex-fluid.

Lase: If we have to have labels. 

We’re both open-minded, making it easier to notice the attraction between us and act on it.

But it sounds more like you acted out of necessity than attraction

Lase: It seemed platonic at first because that’s just the default way we’re socialised to approach people of your gender. But as we got closer and started talking about everything, and sleeping in the same bed even though we had separate rooms, I started to identify that we were getting more romantic and sexual. 

If we were of opposite genders, we would immediately know we liked each other once things like that started to happen, so why do we ignore the signs when it comes to the same gender?

Doris: I’d been attracted to women in the past, but I’d never thought to act on that attraction until now. So, I guess I see what you mean by necessity. Regardless, the attraction was there. When we made out the first time, it was the most amazing thing ever. It felt like some well-deserved delayed gratification.

What happened after that first makeout? Did you become official?

Doris: No. First, we made out a lot without really talking about why we were doing it and if we should be getting intimate. But we were a lot happier once that started.

Lase: It wasn’t until we had sex some weeks later that we talked about what we were to each other. We weren’t really in a hurry to put labels. I think we also didn’t need to because our individual priorities were to find our feet in this new society we found ourselves in. So we were thinking about passing our master’s, getting a better job and then an even better job to pay for everything we needed to secure our continued stay in Canada. 

Doris: So we were just fine with being each other’s source of companionship and release for the time being. We had the talk and decided we cared a lot about each other, and that was it. We decided to focus on graduating well.

In the meantime, what was your relationship?

Doris: It was a lot of talking, supporting and picking after each other, literally splitting everything down the middle, from bills to food and money in general. 

Lase: And lots of sex. It made everything better when we could be home after a long day and give each other orgasms for days.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

What happened after graduation?

Doris: The dynamic changed. So, to begin with, while we were in Aurora (Canada), we hardly went out together. Our relationship was within the confines of our small student apartment. When we moved to Calgary, Alberta, we started going out in the open as a couple, and it felt like this big glare was on us. 

Lase: It felt like literally stepping out of the closet.

Doris: We were compelled to come straight with ourselves and decide we wanted to be committed to each other. But that hasn’t come without its struggles.

Tell me about them

Doris: The major one is that I’m a thick hot babe, and Lase is quite petite… so there’ve been instances when I’ve been mistaken for her mum. And that’s just crazy because we’re the same age. It’s happened so many times, and it does put a strain on our otherwise perfect relationship.

Lase: Canadian locals are wild because I just can’t understand how they can all make such a mistake. They see two women looking intimate, and because one is bigger than the other, they just assume she’s the mum?

Doris: It also doesn’t help that I’m much darker. 

But how do you handle this assumption so it doesn’t affect how you feel about each other?

Doris: We actually go out less these days. I know we shouldn’t hide, but sometimes, it’s just easier.
Lase: We don’t talk about it so much because I’m scared it’s a sore point for both of us, but for her most especially. I just give her space to express how she feels about it and listen.

Doris: Besides that, it’s been bliss. We have the coolest small group of friends from our neighbourhood and workplaces. Like I said earlier, we’ve found our tribe, and we’re all pretty like-minded. I love the freedom we have to love and be present for each other through major milestones.

You haven’t mentioned much about your family 

Lase: You know how alienating Canada can be. I have cousins here, but they’re all in Toronto and Ottawa. One’s in Winnipeg — I mentioned her mum helped me settle in earlier. Doris and I are actually planning a trip to Toronto this summer, so we’ll hopefully get to unite with them soon. 

But so far, social media is how I keep up with my family. My parents are in the UK now, and with the time difference, it’s been hard to keep up regular communication.

Doris: My parents are still in Lagos, but it’s the same time zone issue. They gave up on me at least a year ago. We try our best to have video calls most important holidays or birthdays. Same with my siblings who are in different parts of Nigeria.

I’ve introduced Lase as my housemate and best friend; they love her.

Lase: Yeah. Nobody knows we’re dating except our Alberta friends.

Do you ever plan to tell your family?

Doris: Honestly, no. Except we have to.

Lase: They’ve started putting marriage pressure on me, but I’ve hinted that I may never get married. And that might be what ends up happening. Because me I don’t like stress.

Doris: I think we’ll just go with the flow. We’re perfectly happy the way we are now. But who knows? We’ve started talking about whether we want to have kids or not. We’ve also started thinking about the legal aspects of our relationship. Things like what would happen in the case of emergencies, when we’re not legally bound?

Lase: We might just elope and have a civil union. Who knows?

Have you had any major fights yet?

Doris: You know what? No.

Lase: Maybe little arguments, but none that I can even talk about because I can’t remember what might’ve caused them.

Doris: Actually, we had one some days ago. 

I wanted to stop by a SubWay outlet to grab some food on my way home, and I asked if she wanted anything. She said yes and told me what she wanted. I got home and gave it to her, and she said she didn’t want it anymore.

Ah. Explain yourself, Lase

Lase: She went and got food for only me. I asked where hers was, and she said she’d changed her mind about getting for herself. How would I sit and eat alone? I only wanted it because you said you were getting some. I didn’t want you eating alone, and I’d start feeling long throat.

Doris: That’s still so annoying. Like, I told you I didn’t know that’s what you had in mind, and you still didn’t eat the food.

Do you know that food still sits in our fridge to this day? Which is just a joke because we know trash SubWay doesn’t last a day.

Lase: This wasn’t a serious fight sha. Just one of those little arguments.

Doris: Hmm.

Hmm. How’d you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Lase: A sweet 8. We could do this forever.

Doris: I can actually see it. Two cantankerous 80-year-old cat ladies still giving each other the best orgasms every night. I’m dying of laughter.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

For more on public discrimination against one-half of a couple, read this: Love Life: We Strongly Believe in Different Religions

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

John: We met at a family gathering, a naming ceremony. I was friends with one of her older cousins, who invited me. I was introduced to her, and she made a big impression on me. She was smart and beautiful — and still is. 

So I asked if I could visit her at school, and she agreed.

Funmi: He was charming when we met. I remember thinking he dressed so well for someone who wasn’t Yoruba. His Senator was clean and crisp, and his shoes; he didn’t overaccessorise. At that time, they used to tell us South-South people knew how to spoil women and treat them like eggs, unlike Yoruba men. So I saw him as the full package because he also looked good.

What was his first school visit like?

Funmi: He surprised me, so I didn’t even have the chance to be nervous. He just showed up on campus and someone came to call me in my hostel. I was in my final year, first semester. At first, I didn’t even recognise the name when they told me. When I saw him, I screamed. I was so embarrassed that I did that.

John: I thought she wasn’t happy to see me. Then I saw her smile and realised she was just surprised — just as I planned. I brought her a gift and some food. We sat and ate together and that’s how I started visiting until her graduation.

Did you consider yourselves in an official relationship during this period?

John: Yes. I asked her to be my girlfriend on my second visit. But she didn’t answer me until we met during her brief break before she had to be back in school chasing her project.

Funmi: I wanted to say yes right away, but I had to form first. To be serious, though, I wanted to be sure I was saying yes for the right reasons. I also thought about the fact that I knew he was a Christian, and I was raised as a Muslim.

What made you decide to say yes in the end?

Funmi: I just really liked him. I loved all the attention he gave me most especially. I didn’t want that to end. I knew our religions might be an issue. But at that time, neither of us was particularly religious, so it didn’t feel like a big enough thing to keep me from trying out the relationship.

John: I also felt my family might have issues with it, but I chased her purely because I was attracted to her. 

After her graduation, we went into courtship fully. We had several dates, and we talked about our future for almost two years. She was reluctant to talk about marriage, but I wasn’t.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

Why were you reluctant, Funmi?

Funmi: I was young and fresh out of school. I wanted space to be a single babe in the real world before entering my husband’s house. 

I also wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I had at least three relatives who were in abusive marriages, so I wanted to be absolutely sure. I wanted my nuclear family to get to know him well and give their blessings.

John: When we’d dated for about two years, her father called me to his house and told me he was happy with me marrying her but was considering that I was South-South. 

He didn’t want my people to treat her anyhow.

Did he bring up religion?

John: Yes, but not even as seriously as I’d expected. 

He said he didn’t want me to forcefully convert her. He asked if I’d allow her to practise her faith, and that was it. He was going to make her cut me off, but his intuition wouldn’t allow him to do that. I was speechless. We spoke for some time, and he said that when I was ready, I had his blessings.

Funmi: I didn’t even know this happened until several months later, after he proposed.

What was the defining moment that led to the proposal?

Funmi: I got pregnant. Haha.

John: Yes. But beyond that, I was already determined to marry her. We courted for three years, and it was three years of bliss. I’d never been with a more compassionate and graceful woman.

Funmi: He never even gave me a chance to doubt him or check whether I was missing out on something outside.

Immediately after I told him I was pregnant, he’d gotten a ring and asked me to be his wife. He took me to a restaurant for the proposal, and I was just there crying as strangers clapped for us.

What was the wedding like given your different religions?

Funmi: We had a white wedding, a nikkai and two traditional weddings. It was a week-long affair. I always think back to it with longing because it was such a happy time. I still don’t know how our families could afford it all.

John: It drained several pockets that’s for sure. But it was perfect. We still have the giant photo albums. Do you youngees still do photo albums?

I honestly have no idea. Did you get pushback from your families?

John: The opposition I foresaw didn’t come to pass as I feared. A few aunties and uncles were unhappy and showed it, but they didn’t do anything to stop or spoil our wedding. They just disapproved passively. 

Funmi: I have an Aunty Bimpe who kept saying, “Ahhh, Sofiat. O ti lo fe Igbo. Catholic, for that matter. How do you want to do it?” She had the loudest voice ever. I just kept telling her that John wasn’t Igbo o.

It seems you’ve been able to blend religions perfectly?

John: I won’t say perfectly. It’s been a journey. 

Funmi: When we got together, it wasn’t such a big deal because, truthfully, we were both surface-level in our religions. But over time, we’ve gotten more devout. 

John: Some ten years into our marriage, Funmi started wearing scarves and turbans and covering all parts of her body. It was a bit shocking for me. She’s gone to Mecca four times. 

Somewhere along the line, I also started taking prayer meetings and bible study seriously. These things didn’t happen all at once, but we found ourselves clinging back to the faith we were raised on to stay sane.

Funmi: But strangely, this didn’t divide us. I think it’s because we’ve come to accept that the other person’s religion isn’t cursed simply because it’s different. 

I love that he’s embracing God. And I love how it has affected his heart and actions. He’s become a lot less stressed out about everyday struggles.

So you haven’t faced any struggles due to your different religions?

Funmi: Of course, we have. Family and clerics often try to plant seeds of discontent. 

My Muslim brothers would raise questions challenging whether I’m a true believer if my husband is an “infidel”. When I was younger, they’d even refer to me like I was still unmarried.

John: In church, they just ignore. They pretend like she doesn’t exist. 

When we started having kids it got even more complicated. She always took the three of them to the mosque from day one. But I only started taking them to church when our youngest was around seven years old. 

Some of the church members treated them with a hint of disdain and never liked to refer to their mother. It was so funny. You could tell they were doing their best to be polite about it, too. I eventually changed churches, and that was that.

And what was raising your kids in two religions like?

John: It wasn’t without its struggles. Many friends thought it was unwise to do that, that we were only confusing them. But how could we help them choose which religion to follow? 

I also sensed it would be the thing that caused a divide between Funmi and I if either of us said, “It’s better for them to follow my religion.” It would be like saying one religion was better.

Funmi: Exactly. Now that they’re adults, they’ve chosen their own paths. Our eldest is Muslim, while the other two followed their father. I think it’s worked out well.

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What was your first major fight about?

John: Money. 

We had a joint account from the first day of our marriage. And about two years in, I dug deep into it to buy a property at the spur of the moment because I thought it was too good of an opportunity to miss.

Funmi: But I’d been planning for months to start a wholesale business. I only had two months left, and it was perfect timing because I’d just left my job to take care of our first child. 

I think I was most angry because he didn’t discuss it with me first. Also, we didn’t get the promised returns on time and had to struggle to take care of our child the way I wanted to because we were short on cash. 

The house was hot for about five months.

John: I felt so bad, but I don’t know why it took me a while to apologise. I didn’t like that my good intentions were soiled so badly.

Funmi: Religion-wise, we also fought in our first year of marriage because he tried to have sex with me during Ramadan. Mehn, I cried o. 

In my mind, I was saying, “This is why they told me not to marry infidel o.”

John: You’re not serious.

How did you get past these serious issues?

Funmi: Forgive and forget no ni.

John: The property investment worked out in the end. We’re still reaping the benefits today.

Funmi: And he’s not a fool. As soon as I explained to him what the holy fast meant, he respected it and helped me get through the month successfully. 

I can boldly say that for the last 30 years, he has never not brought home a basket of fruits every day during Ramadan. Most times, he even joins the fast and prays to his God. He’s a blessed man.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Funmi: Before nko. 10.

John: We’re one, so you know my answer already.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Sola: We met in a small supermarket on my street. I passed him on the aisle to the counter, and he noticed one of my tattoos. He told me it was nice. I actually thought he was talking about my jewellery and tried to explain that my grandma gave them to me when I was a child. 

When I realised he was talking about the tattoo, I just smiled and faced my front.

Charles: I wasn’t used to seeing girls with tattoos in my neighbourhood, so I found her intriguing. I asked her for her number, but she said she didn’t know it off-head and also didn’t bring her phone with her. I assumed she didn’t want to give me, but then she scrambled through her wallet for paper and asked the cashier for a pen.

Sola: I took down his number and, later that night, dutifully texted him on WhatsApp so he could have my number. Only for him to say he couldn’t remember who I was.

Charles?

Charles: So the thing is, I was high when we met at the supermarket.

Hm. Sola, how did you take that?

Sola: I had to send him a video I’d taken earlier, in the same outfit, to jug his memory. I was irritated, so I figured I wouldn’t speak to him again. And true true, he didn’t text me for a while. It was also December, and he was giving IJGB vibes with a slight accent and all.

Charles: I hadn’t just got back. I got back a long time ago.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Sola: Later that month was events and concert season in Lagos. 

I was on my way to my office end-of-year party when he messaged me for the first time since the day we met. He was attending a show in our area and was wondering if I wanted to come. I told him I was on my way somewhere else, so he switched to video to see how I looked. He hailed me and made me feel so cute.

Charles: She looked good, and I couldn’t hide it.

Sola: He told me to have a good time and not be a stranger. I smiled and felt good about myself just hearing him say that. I don’t even know why. He just looked and sounded like a sweet guy. 

I was talking to this other guy at the time, and even though I liked him, I always felt like he was giving me this subtle attitude. But Charles already made me feel fully appreciated.

Charles: For me, it was when we finally met up at a festival on Boxing Day. Neither of us came with friends, so we got to bond and get to know each other, surrounded by music and strangers having fun.

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What happened after?

Charles: We chatted until mid-January, when we met again for her birthday. That’s when I saw another side of her — the party girl side. 

Sola: My friends organised a little dinner for me and then a club thing after.

Charles: She and her friends are crazy. I couldn’t keep up at all. I had to leave early.

Sola: The next day, I called to thank him for the gift he gave me at the dinner, and he started asking how I got home and if I was safe the whole time. I was a little irritated. I’m 30+, please. 

We texted for weeks after, but I made sure I was cold in my responses. Until one day, he told me he really liked me but he felt I didn’t like him back. My heart melted, and I told him I liked him.

Charles: That’s how we got together officially.

No wasting time?

Charles: I was done waiting. I just wanted to know if we’d work out in a proper relationship once and for all.

Sola: So you weren’t even sure at that point?

Charles: Is it possible to be sure until you try it out?

And how has it been so far?

Sola: There’s been ups and downs. We’ve taken a few breaks because we keep having the same issues around our very different social lives.

Charles: I never considered myself religious until we started dating. But I never miss a service. I know you’ll ask how come I was high the first time we met. I guess I’m religious now because I was born religious. My mother really drummed church culture into our heads, and now, it’s just ingrained.

Sola is more casual about it, and she’s a popular jingo. Meaning that she has over 50 close friends and attends at least two big parties a month. I’m talking proper club or house parties. I wasn’t prepared for how bothered by that I would be.

Sola: I also never thought it would be an issue, at least, until I started having kids.

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Sounds like a dealbreaker?

Sola: I wish it were that simple. The thing is, everything else works between us. 

I love how he makes me feel, his character and his financial trajectory. But I don’t think I can or should have to change for him. I also don’t think he needs to be more social for him; we don’t have to have all the same interests.

Charles: I agree. We’ve been able to establish a middle ground over time, but it still causes friction sometimes. We don’t really connect with each other’s friends because hers are Lagos cool kids, and my friends are more workaholic and church-obsessed. I feel like she’s too cool for me sometimes.

Sola: Cool as how? We’re just used to a lifestyle that’s different from what you’re used to. 

We’ve talked about the future a number of times. We’re both ready to settle down, so in November 2023, we made the huge decision to move in together. And the first two months really tested our love and bond. I could tell he tried to be understanding but clearly didn’t like me coming home late on some nights. It made me feel guilty and uncomfortable.

Doesn’t cohabiting clash with Charles’ Christian values, though?

Sola: As you must’ve guessed, he’s half and half about it. That’s probably why we can still have a conversation and make compromises. A true Christian boy would’ve chased my clubbing ass out a long time ago. I wouldn’t even let it get to that. 

But yeah, cohabiting has always been a must for me before marriage. I gotta know firsthand what I’m getting into.

Charles:  I agree. There’s a place for faith and a place for using your sense.

Sola: We’ve grown to manage our differences better. 

He comes out with me to the club on some nights. On others, I cancel on my friends, and we hang out together instead. I no longer feel I need to accept every invitation. That’s a compromise I’m willing to make for the future of our relationship.

Charles: I also don’t feel I have to attend every church service. I’ve limited those to Sundays, and we’ve started going together every week. It’s been cool mixing both worlds at our own pace.

You mentioned being ready to settle down?

Charles: Yeah, that will happen any moment now. I don’t want to spoil anything.

Sola: Ahhh. Don’t let Zikoko be the first to know of your plans. Is it soon? Should I go and fix acrylics? I’ll kill you if you’ve spoilt the surprise, I swear.

Charles: We still have a few things to discuss, but despite our imperfections, we’re right for each other because of how open we are to making things work instead of just walking away for good.

Do your religious parents know about the clubbing and cohabiting?

Charles: Haba. Do they care? My mum isn’t excited about our cohabiting, but she’s not really vocal about it. And they’ve never had to know that we or she clubs.

Sola: Oh, his parents love me. I’m absolutely lovable!

Between us, though, we’ve had major disagreements in the past about my late nights and his prioritising mid-week services over our bonding time. We’d take a break for a week or two, and before you know it, we’re back because we love spending time together.

I don’t think our social lives should be enough to keep us apart. I mean, at this age, we should know.

Right. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sola: 8. We’re a work in progress, but sometimes the journey matters just as much as the destination. Or whatever these motivational speakers say.

Charles: LOL. Same.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Daniel: No particular memory sticks to mind. 

We attended the same family church for as long as I can remember. Both our parents were workers. When my family first joined the church, I remember thinking she was such a proper Christian kid.

Sam: I must’ve been about eight years old when he started attending our church. He was the rebellious type. My first memory of him was when he failed to memorise some Bible passages and couldn’t recite them when our Sunday school teacher asked him to. He wasn’t even sorry. 

I’m not sure how we became friends, but we eventually did by the time I was 15. I think it was natural because we were around the same age and saw each other at least three days a week. 

Daniel: Most of us in the same age group just became close.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Daniel: It was years after that, in 2014. We were both in uni and had stopped attending that church as regularly. We kept in contact mostly through Facebook and BBM. During one of the holidays, we decided to meet up with two of our other church friends at a mall.

Sam: I remember seeing him for the first time in about three years and thinking he’d aged well. He was so much more mature-looking.

Daniel: We took each other a lot more seriously after that. 

We checked up on each other more, and I noticed our tone was much more earnest. Before then, we’d joke around and sometimes send silly jokes insulting each other. But after that first meeting, we were talking about school, plans for our careers, stuff like that. 

We didn’t date immediately, though.

Why not?

Daniel: It just didn’t occur to us yet.

Sam: But then, he came to celebrate with me right after my convocation in 2017. He’d graduated the year before, and my school was in a different state from where we lived. He took the three-to-four-hour road trip to come visit me. I was touched.

Daniel: I still thought of her as a friend at that time, but a very good, important friend.

Sam: He’s like that in general. He expresses his love for people by physically showing up for them no matter what. 

Anyway, after he returned home and the fanfare was over, I sat at home for a while, waiting for my NYSC posting and thinking about the few hours we spent together in school. I told God I wanted whoever I ended up with to be as kind and caring as he was.

How did you start dating?

Sam: We’ll get there. 

But first, the NYSC posting came, and I got to stay in PH. We hung out once in a while until he started dating someone else. I became casual friends with her, but when they broke things off barely five months in, I was surprised. I thought they really liked each other. 

I asked what happened, and he revealed to me for the first time that he had sickle cell. 

Daniel: Her parents advised her not to get too serious with me, and she thought there was no point delaying the inevitable. It wasn’t the first time, but maybe because I was an adult now, the experience hit me hard.

Sam: I was heartbroken on his behalf. 

That night, I researched everything there was to know about the disorder: how it affects people, treatments, cure, life expectancy. I felt so committed to him all of a sudden. The more I read, the more I understood why the girl ran, but it also made me angry at everyone and no one. 

I was confused because he seemed perfectly healthy to me. I kept thinking back to every time I’d hung out with him for any sign of weakness or pain I might’ve overlooked. I called him the next day and told him not to mind her, that I would be there for him. I was so dramatic.

How did he respond?

Sam: He laughed at me and then said, “Thank you.” I could tell he appreciated my support.

Daniel: I did. I had only Sam, my mum and one of my other friends to lean on at that time. Once we all got jobs, we got busy trying to survive, and I didn’t remember to be heartbroken anymore. 

Sam: By 2019, we only spoke over the phone maybe once a month. But the conversations were still good. We sent greetings, and sometimes, gifts on important days. 

Daniel: On my birthday, she ordered food to my office and still apologised that she couldn’t send me a proper gift. That year, apart from my brother in Germany, who sent me £70, no one had sent me anything. I think that’s when it dawned on me that she really cared about me.

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Did you care about her too?

Daniel: I cared about her a lot. But I never thought she cared about me half as much until that day. I don’t know why.

Some weeks later, I decided I wanted to ask her out, but it felt awkward because we’d been friends for so long. I kept telling myself, “Guy, you’ve been friend or even brother-zoned.”

Sam: Meanwhile, I was there wanting him to like me so badly. 

I’d dated two guys so far but always wound up comparing them to him. None of them were ever as gentle and good-hearted, not even this one guy I was very physically attracted to.

Daniel: I eventually worked up the courage to ask her out in July 2020. We met up, and she even kissed me. It was such a happy day.

What was dating like after almost a decade of friendship?

Sam: It’s been warm and familiar and comfortable. 

We get each other almost too much. We had the soft honeymoon period for up to two years, where it was just pure bliss. We’d go on dates, make out for long hours, agree with each other on everything and help each other solve small issues. We even formally met each other’s parents in the first year.

Daniel: Of course, they already knew each other from church, so they were very excited. They kept saying, “See the way the Lord works?” LMAO.

Sam, you’ve experienced his crises firsthand?

Sam: Oh yes. 

The first experience was scary. He was at home alone, and he called me first. My mind went blank. I dashed to his place without a single plan. But then, I got there, and he had everything figured out. He told me exactly what to do. That first time, we didn’t even have to go to the hospital, but it was quite unsettling to see him writhing in so much pain.

I cried so much after, and he was the one who still comforted me. Emotions are crazy, but the whole experience made me love him deeper. 

I thought his health would be the hardest part of our relationship. But everything was fine until I told my parents about it some months later.

Did they tell you to break up with him?

Sam: Yes.

Daniel: It came as a shock to me because I’d grown to believe they loved me. But I also understood they wanted a life free of pain and undue responsibility for their daughter.

Sam: Over time, my friends and siblings found out about it too. 

It got worse after we got engaged. I received a constant barrage of “Are you sure you can handle the stress long-term?” “You’ll regret this when you’re older and love has left your eyes” “You’re trying o. It can’t be me.” Someone even blatantly asked me, “Hope you know they die young?”

It’s amazing how shallow and callous human beings can be, particularly to the people closest to them.

Daniel: I’m used to being seen as my disease instead of the human that I am. It’s something people do all the time, knowingly or unknowingly. When you have something like sickle cell, diabetes or cancer, it becomes your complete identity.

Sam: People constantly judge our entire relationship based on it. My friends still greet me with, “How’s it going with him?” They have that look in their eyes that lets you know they’re talking about the sickle cell. They no longer care about other aspects of our relationship.

How do you both cope?

Sam: It’s been much better to manage since we moved to Manitoba, Canada, in 2023. We have peace of mind now.

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Tell us about the other aspects of your relationship

Daniel: Things have gone smoothly for us. The alienation has drawn us so close to each other that we mostly only rely on ourselves.

Sam: We understand each other so well now because we’ve spent so much time talking things out and exchanging advice. We’ve spoken about how we want to build our family and raise our children — who’ll be safe from the sickle cell because I’m not a carrier. We could be decisive and strategic about our japa plans because of this as well.

Daniel: Now that we’re in Canada, we have no choice but to be best friends because there’s no one else to be friends with for now.

Sam, how do your parents feel about your relationship post-japa?

Sam: They’re sympathetic over the phone, but mostly, they’ve gotten over their aversion to it. We have many joint conversations between us and both parents. Everyone is at peace and civil.

Daniel: I still sense their lack of support. They haven’t warmed back up to me to the level we were at before they knew I had sickle cell. And sometimes, they make comments that allude to my weakness or lack of ability to take care of their daughter. Especially her dad.

Sam: I never sensed this until he brought it up this year. Now, I can sense it in everything they say to him. In all, we reduce our communication with Nigeria to the minimum.

So will the wedding happen in Canada?

Daniel: At first, that wasn’t the plan. But it’s becoming more and more likely so. We’ll still try to make sure both our parents and key family members can witness it and mark the day with us. I’m speaking with my dad about it.

Sam: TBH, we now regret not having a simple court wedding in Nigeria before leaving, at least, for documentation purposes here. That way, we wouldn’t even have had to stress about it now. But somehow somehow, we go run am.

Daniel: We’re already married in our hearts. Our only concern is legal.

Sam: We also can’t wait to start with the kids. But I don’t want that to happen until we’re legally married.

Have you had any major fights yet?

Daniel: Not really. 

When we first moved here, we were both quite cranky and had disagreements over the smallest things. But since one of our neighbours said it was a common reaction to the extreme cold after living in a hot environment all our lives, we’ve kind of calmed down.

Sam: Our relationship is a very soft, gentle one. When we have disagreements, we usually just talk it out. We’ve disagreed over what job opportunities to take, temperature levels — he loves the room to be chilly when he sleeps. 

Back in Nigeria, we could disagree over things like food. At first, he constantly ordered food for himself without ordering for me, and I used to be so annoyed by it. Nothing serious, though.

How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sam: 9. Nothing’s perfect.

Daniel: I disagree, so 10.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Ebiye: We met in our faculty building in 200 level. She came to the department office section to see her course advisor as her programme’s class rep. I had a pending issue with a course from the last semester, so I was there to see my HOD.

I remember she was wearing this bright pink shirt, one of those that’s long enough to cover your thighs.

Toun: We were studying different programmes in the same faculty, so we crossed paths by chance. 

But I’d noticed him first during a general class at the lecture theatre the year before. Someone commented on how he’s lowkey fine, and I agreed.

What happened when you crossed paths?

Ebiye: We had to wait in the corridor together for a while, so we got to talking. She was with a friend; we spent the time talking about lecturers and the one or two courses we shared. At a point, we exchanged numbers.

Toun: After that, we chatted over the phone a lot and kept crossing paths.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Toun: I think I liked him from day one when I saw him at the lecture theatre. I smiled and thought, “That would be a good guy to be with.” But it was passive. I don’t think I would’ve ever approached him. 

After we met and started texting, my thought became, “This boy is a stupid person.”

Ebiye: Wow. Wow.

I knew I liked her when we started hanging out towards the end of the semester. I asked her to come out one evening; we went on a stroll and then got drinks. I thought she was cool. I knew we’d be hanging out more.

How did you know?

Ebiye: I was just drawn to her. I liked how she smelt. I liked how she talked about things. She didn’t take things too seriously, and I like to surround myself with people who are relaxed. Life is already stressful enough. 

I also really wanted to kiss her at least once.

Toun: Which is what he texted me that night after I’d gotten back to my room.

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Was that the beginning of a relationship?

Toun: Yes, even though the relationship had no name for a while. We just went out together from time to time, normal broke undergrad outings to Coldstone and Filmhouse. He’s also behind my first clubbing experience. 

But what we had never really went beyond casual.

Ebiye: We were focused on school, and we had a lot of mutual friends of both genders. It always felt like we were all just guys.

Toun: But then, two months after we met, we had sex for the first time and that changed things.

Ebiye: The sex was eye-opening.

In what ways?

Ebiye: We’re really compatible in that aspect.

Toun: But everything else? God, abeg.

Ebiye: After that year, we realised we didn’t like each other like that. But we couldn’t stop the sex part. Like, we’d still meet up for it, and when we did it, it was always the best thing ever. So we never stopped. Because of that, we haven’t been able to date other people. 

Toun: Not yet, at least.

Ebiye: We haven’t had the time to meet anyone we really like.

So you’re like… friends with benefits?

Ebiye: Yes and no. Our friends still consider us boyfriend and girlfriend. Our parents too.

Toun: Well, my mum. My dad doesn’t know about us at all.

Ebiye: In school, we went out from time to time, but we had sex any chance we got. Since graduation last year, we’ve drifted a bit. We still call and text most nights, but every time we talk about what we are, I feel somehow.

Toun: We’re just confused about it. I don’t even know what the issue is. I think we like each other but just not well enough to commit.

Why have sex then?

Ebiye: That’s like asking why eat junk food. It feels so good.

Toun: The sex is the only reason why I haven’t gone into depression now that we’re in NYSC. Everything’s just hard. I have this anxiety about my career and making money, and I don’t even know what I’m passionate about.

Ebiye: Same. 

Serving in Lagos together has now made it easy for us to stick together even though we’ve drifted apart in some ways.

Toun: Our relationship has basically been 95% sex, 5% vibes this last year, I won’t lie.

How long do you see it lasting?

Toun: No idea. I’m lowkey scared we’d be one of those people from Nollywood movies who fall in love and get married to a new person but can’t stop fucking their first.

Ebiye: Like go back to their ex’s bed the night before and after their wedding?

Toun: They’ll catch us and disgrace us all over social media. God, abeg.

Have you tried getting external advice?

Toun: My friends think we should just break up. I’ve tried. But this sex thing. I wouldn’t dare ask my mum about it, and I can’t afford therapy right now. I’m also the oldest, so no older siblings to confide in.

Ebiye: I don’t confide much in my friends. A lot of my guys are also friends with her, so I don’t want them thinking anything stupid about her. Same reason I haven’t really talked about it to my brothers. 

But I have this older female cousin, and she thinks we’re just overthinking the whole thing.

Toun: I’ve also not approached it like it’s a problem. He’s actually been a great support system during this time when I’m confused about everything to do with my life.

Ebiye: But I don’t want us to settle and then come to resent each other in the future.

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So you just meet and have sex? How does it work?

Toun: Pretty much. We have NYSC jobs now, so our relationship is meeting up during or after work to chat, eat together or have sex. I don’t even have time for my friends or anything else these days.

Ebiye: Since we started NYSC, we’ve had sex at my place up to four times a week. It’s how we ease the stress of adulting.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?

Ebiye: She’s missed her period a few times.

The first was in October 2022. I’ll never forget that night. I almost died when she texted me that it was almost two weeks late. I couldn’t sleep well for a week. We didn’t talk for almost another week. I remember foolishly planning my speech on how I’d do my best to support her, how I wouldn’t abandon her. I was just gassing myself up. LMAO.

Toun: Thankfully, my period eventually came.

Now, I have an implant. The anxiety wasn’t worth it.

How did you know to get that?

Toun: My mum. 

She obviously doesn’t know how much sex we’re having. But in final year, she sat me down and asked if I was still a virgin, and I told her the truth. Right after graduation, she paid for me to get an implant at a proper facility. 

It also regulates my period, so that was another plus.

Ebiye: We also regularly go get tested together because we stopped using condoms. We went twice last year. Each time, I’d think about my life, and how I didn’t consent to this level of adulting. It helps us bond but also has a way of draining what little romance might’ve existed between us.

Does this affect the sex in any way?

Ebiye: Actually, we’re so free now when it comes to sex. We try out a lot of things. No one is shy anymore. 

Toun: I think it’s actually gotten better.

Have you guys had a major fight yet?

Toun: I don’t think so. We’re too much of jokers to fight like that.

Ebiye: I think the highest we’ve fought over is random arguments with our other friends. Maybe about some Twitter trend or Tinubu or something.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Toun: I don’t even know. Should we be rating it at this point?

Ebiye: 10. We understand each other, and I feel good when I’m with you.

Toun: Aww. My own is sha 5 until we figure things out.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Vanessa: We remember it very differently. 

He claims I snubbed him while I vividly remember shaking his hand as enthusiastically as I could manage. But it was clear there was negative tension there from day one.

Dare: It was at a bar, so we were bound to have different memories of the meeting. She was waiting for someone and was being rude to the barman. I just politely greeted her as I waited for my drink with a friend. 

Turned out I knew the person she was hanging with from school. The person reintroduced us, and we all ended up spending most of that night together.

How did that go?

Vanessa: It was fun, but we kept rubbing each other the wrong way. 

He always says I was snubbish to him and his friends the whole night. And he went home deciding he couldn’t stand me. For me, he barely spoke to me, so how did he reach that conclusion? I thought he was too distant, but his nice lips stood out to me.

Dare: Unfortunately — or should I say, fortunately — that was the start of us seeing each other almost every week because our mutual friends got close. One of my guys even asked her out. They dated for up to a year.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Dare: It took at least two years of hating first. 

Vanessa: Between 2017 and 2019, we’d meet at our friends’ get-togethers, parties, hangouts and everything in between. 

Dare: Every time I saw her at these things, I’d just be annoyed for no reason. It was either she was making comments about how someone should stop feeling good about their car because it was basically Uber drivers’ default car or she was being unnecessarily picky with her food. 

But I always noticed her, even when we didn’t talk to each other. I’d also think about one thing or another she’d done long after I’d left the outing.

Vanessa: I thought he was an asshole because of the way he looked at me when our paths crossed. His tone when he spoke to me was always distant, even after months and years had passed of us knowing each other.

Then August 2019 came, and we had to attend an event together for work.

Work?

Vanessa: I was chasing a deal and needed an introduction to one of the sponsors we were chasing. I asked within our friend group, and everyone pointed at him. He knew a key executive at the company directly, so I had to go to his private chat for help.

Dare: I offered to get her into an event where she could meet the guy personally. 

Vanessa: I jumped at the opportunity. I was struggling at work at that time because my KPIs had pivoted, and I had no idea how to execute the new expectations. But I didn’t want to let my bosses know so I wouldn’t get fired. 

We met up at the place, and for some reason, I started confiding in him about how lost I was when it came to pitching and closing sponsors. He pulled me aside before we entered the venue and gave me a crash course on what to do. 

Even though he was still annoying about it, I really appreciated that. I got to see a less cold side of him.

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Was this the turning point of your relationship?

Vanessa: In hindsight, yes. 

The drive back was interesting. We had this weirdly random conversation where he told me he didn’t usually date Igbo girls. I rolled my eyes so hard, but I also knew he was lowkey flirting.

Dare: We got to the venue separately, but I offered her a ride home. I had my dad’s car for the night, so I thought, why not?

Vanessa: I realised he was a kind person. It didn’t matter that he obviously didn’t like me, he was still cordial.

Dare: During the car ride, I discovered she was talkative. That’s why I was always catching her snide comments. She talked a lot and loved to make fun of things, including herself.

Did she make fun of you during this ride?

Dare: Nope. She was too busy making fun of herself, picking at everything seemingly dumb she’d done at the event. We became a lot closer after that. She needed me to strengthen communications with the guy we went to see, of course.

Vanessa: I think we also felt the beginnings of a real friendship. But then, a lot happened in the next few months. Like, the pandemic.

How did COVID affect this blossoming friendship?

Vanessa: Maybe because we’d just started being real friends before the lockdown, but we suddenly became the closest people to each other when it all went down. We were constantly texting. He and my mum were my major support system amid the uncertainty.

Dare: I worked in tech support, so I was one of the few people who had to brave the pandemic midway into the lockdown to be in the office. A lot of times, I had to sleep over there or at a nearby hotel. Our office was also thinning out because of the layoffs, so I had less and less company. 

It became a favourite pastime to text her and exchange jokes.

Vanessa: We spent a lot of time talking about our lives, families, exes, best and worst moments, things like that. Before I knew it, I had to confess the bitter truth to one of my friends, that I was crushing on him. 

She screamed, “I thought we hated him.” I laughed hard.

Did you tell him how you felt?

Vanessa: God, no. We still had about a year of sending each other mixed signals ahead of us. He was active in the EndSARS protests… 

Dare: While she stuck to social media protesting. 

Vanessa: We fought over that. He thought we had to all leave our phones and be more present at the protests. He kept trying to get me to come to the tollgate, but I never did. 

By December, we started attending hangouts again, and I noticed him get close to some other girl, so I told myself to move on.

Then one night, while I was out with a guy I was talking to, he walked up to our table to say hi. We chatted for a bit, and when he left, the guy I was with looked at me and said, “You know that guy likes you, right?”

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Huh?

Vanessa: Yes o. I just rolled my eyes, but inside, I was smiling brightly.

Dare: I don’t know what that one saw in five seconds of banter. He was right sha. We can go on and on, but the summary is we kept getting closer as friends until I decided to ask her out as a joke midway into 2021.

Vanessa: He made it seem like a joke, but I knew he was serious. He asked me to eat out with him at a nice restaurant and everything. Idiot.

Dare: Since then, we’ve been annoying each other into sticking together.

What does the future look like?

Dare: That’s something we hardly talk about actually. We’re not in a hurry to do anything at all.

Vanessa: It hasn’t felt like we’ve been together for three years at all. The years have just zoomed by, it’s scary. 

I know you’re wondering if we ever talk about marriage, but it’s honestly not the priority for either of us right now. It will make things too serious; we’re enjoying our current freedom to be whatever we feel like to each other at any given moment.

Dare: We’ll most likely be together for a long long time, that’s all I know.

Have you had a major fight yet?

Dare: Haven’t you been hearing us say we fought about this and fought over that? You think we were just exaggerating?

Vanessa: We fight o. All the time. Like serious shouting, and sometimes, crying.

Dare: We’re both really expressive about things we care about. We can fight over politics or how we’re budgeting for the month or our schedule for the day.

One day last month, I agreed to go with my friends to watch a show on the same day she’d wanted me to go with her for her friend’s dinner. I casually mentioned it to her over the phone, and she lashed out. I’d forgotten. She was so upset, we basically had a shouting match about how I never thought about her.

Vanessa: It was me screaming that he didn’t care about me and he screaming back that I was all he thought about. It was the cutest most triggering thing ever. We still shouted back and forth for a good five minutes. I still cried and didn’t talk to him for a day. And he still sent me “big head” as a text message on the second day.

And it doesn’t feel like the tension will add up over time?

Dare: Omo, there’s too much tension coming from outside, with work stress and price hikes to even feel anything but gratitude that we have each other.

Vanessa: I actually agree with that. There’s no time to overthink anything these days. We fight, we get it all out of our system, and then, we move on. It’s even therapeutic sometimes. 

Dare: The point is that we like each other. I’m sure the day we don’t like each other again, we’ll part ways, but till then, we’ll enjoy each other — the good and the bad parts.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 – 10?

Vanessa: 7. We’re toxic AF, but it works.

Dare: 8. You and who is toxic? I’m perfectly normal, please.

*Names were changed for anonymity.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

THANK YOU, NEXT: Love Life: We Were 40+ and Had Never Married When We Met

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Michael: I met Chima at a friend’s birthday lunch in 2009. She was a friend of his wife. I’m not sure we’d have gotten to know each other if we didn’t get into a long heated conversation about internal politics between some companies. 

I’d heard about her. She was about to be CEO of an arm of the company she worked at. And I respected her more that day when I heard her speak. I liked how cleverly she argued.

Chima: It was a pleasant evening. I noticed him because we sat at the same side of my friend’s living room. Even though he was a fairly known director in his company, he didn’t force his opinions like most of the other people did during the argument. He’d say what he knew and then stop to listen to other people. I thought he was really respectful. 

So when he called me the next day hoping I wasn’t angry he got my number from his friend, I wasn’t at all. I was glad our interests aligned. It rarely happens that someone makes a good impression on you and you make an impression on the same person.

True. Did he call just to say hi?

Michael: I called to ask her to lunch. But it took a while to align our schedules to make it happen. I later learnt that she thought it would be a waste of time, so she didn’t prioritise. However, I kept pushing for it.

Chima: My lack of interest in a friendship with him seemed to make him keep pushing for a meeting, so by the third week, I felt bad and made time for him. We went out during my ill-used lunch break on a Thursday afternoon.

How did it go?

Chima: It was a definitive two hours for us. He told me I was who he’d been waiting for all his life. At first, I said yinmu. I mean, did he really call me there to drop university lines? 

But you see, he’d also never been married before. 47 and unmarried? I was curious.

Michael: I explained to that her I ruined a long-term relationship because I was hyper-focused on work and achieving my goals. 

I was with my ex for close to ten years. In 2003, she broke things off — she’d fallen out of love with me because I was emotionally unavailable. Meanwhile, I was ready to marry her, but she made me realise we’d lost our connection at some point. 

After that, I focused more on work and my hobbies. It’s hard to get back into the dating pool in your 40s for either gender. Don’t mind what men say.

Chima: I’d also never been married, because of how important building a high-quality career was for me. I could relate to his story more than he probably thought.

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Had you been in any long-term relationships?

Chima: No. 

I had, maybe, four boyfriends or suitors in total, and none of these relationships lasted longer than a year. I sense bullshit really quickly, and I don’t like to deceive myself. There were things I wanted in a life partner, and I was ready to stay single forever if I didn’t get someone close.

My parents, both university professors, raised me to be fiercely independent. I’ve never been invested in marriage as a compulsory milestone in life. I’m much too pragmatic for that. A high quality of life was my main priority, then wide recognition in a field of work, then companionship, in that order.

Michael: We aligned on that. While I’d most likely have been intimidated by her ideals when I was a young man, in my old age of 47, it was exactly what got me excited about her. I was impressed, and I wanted her to be mine to show off.

So what happened after lunch?

Michael: I asked to take her to lunch the same time and day the following week. She agreed.

Chima: We’ve been doing that every week whenever we’re in the same city since then. We go out to eat lunch together every Thursday.

Michael: During our second lunch, we talked about our individual future plans, and I told her I was determined to marry her. She responded that I shouldn’t try to mess with her plans and independence. And I told her, “Not on my life”.

Did you get married soon after?

Michael: No. We had those lunches for almost a year, enjoying each other’s company and discovering what we liked to eat. 

Then I attended her church a couple of times to meet with her spiritual parents and worship together. Our first visit to her church made things feel more real; like we were really seeing each other. It was her way of saying she was beginning to take my interest seriously.

Chima: The turning point in our relationship was in the summer of 2010, when we vacationed together in Cancun. I knew my spirit was accepting that he would be my husband. I felt at one with him. He made the relationship, communication, everything, so easy.

In what ways?

Chima: The way we decided to vacation together, chose a spot, and navigated the planning and logistics. I’d never had a smoother travel experience with anyone. Not even my best girlfriends or parents. 

We just agreed on things. Even when we wanted different hotels or activities, it was easy to find a middle ground that didn’t make me feel bad that I was either shortchanging him or myself.

Michael: I found that she never became deliberately stubborn or domineering just to prove her independence. I loved how thoughtful and politely logical she was at all times.

When I noticed her demeanour softened towards me during our Cancun stay, I made arrangements for a ring shortly after we returned to Lagos. I knew the time was right.

How excited were the people around you when you announced your plan to marry?

Michael: Very excited, as you can imagine.

Chima: My parents were surprised. They thought I’d settled for a life of spinsterhood. To be fair, I thought so too. I wasn’t even thinking about marriage when Michael came into the picture.

Michael: I’ll have to say finding someone I align with was a relief. A lot of people had previously tried to matchmake me. My mum would bring young women from the village, and I started to have this paranoia that I’d end up settling with someone I was incompatible with.

Chima, I imagine you also felt the societal pressure to marry

Chima: I didn’t, really. I always shut down the marriage talk because it wasn’t something I’d ever been excited about. I didn’t see the inherent value in it beyond eternal companionship. And if that was the goal, it was more important for me to end up with someone on the same page as me.

Michael: Spoken like a true daughter of professors.

Chima: I couldn’t imagine trying to find someone to marry in my 20s when I was still struggling with my early career and passing all the certification exams. I would’ve been derailed because relationships are high-maintenance.

Then imagine dealing with a young marriage and young children while navigating the fragile mid-level stage of a financial career. I know a lot of people do it successfully, but I also watched people struggle to balance it. It was much easier and faster for me without all that responsibility. 

Michael: There’s something to be said about dating as an advanced adult. Romance was much easier between us than it ever was in my 30s, and I wasn’t ever broke. Just a whole lot more settled and secure in my 40s.

Would you say more people should start dating in their 40s?

Chima: It depends on your priorities. If starting a family is the most important thing to you, then of course, there’s biologically an ideal period for pregnancy.

Michael: All we’re saying is it was much easier to court and establish a strong foundation of romance, friendship and partnership when we weren’t also trying to establish a decent career or individual life path. We could both think clearly as we went in.

Speaking of family and pregnancy…

Chima: I had a natural birth in 2012, a year after we got married. But after our first child, we opted for surrogacy for the other two. We hadn’t even spoken about children when I got pregnant. We almost took him out. But I’m glad I got to experience that pregnancy and labour.

Michael: I was terrified when she gave me the positive pregnancy results from the doctors, and for a week, we’d resolved it was wise to abort. We wanted kids, but we were also cock sure it was unsafe for her at 44. But her O&G of about a decade said he’d never seen a more healthy pregnancy. He convinced us, so we decided to take a chance.

Chima: Right after that, I got implants.

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Michael: Surrogacy was also scary. I’d heard a lot about it. But I still had so many questions. 

Would the baby have some of the surrogate mother’s DNA? What if she clings to the baby psychologically and never wants to let go? What if the baby doesn’t ever bond with its biological mother? 

But we did it twice, and everything went fine in the end.

What was your first major fight about?

Chima: We fought a lot when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2018. That’s how I found out that people develop new personalities when they’re sick, and mine was mean. 

I was so cruel to Michael on my sick bed that when I think back to that time, I feel I ran temporarily mad.

Michael: It’s like when they say someone is a mean drunk.

Chima: I’d throw stuff at him when he tried to help me stand or anything at all. I even bit him sometimes.

Michael: We fought about things like whether she could work and take on projects while undergoing chemo. Things got worse when she had to do a mastectomy.

We fought about going to church and believing in God for her healing. I was very determined to have her fly to the UK for the surgery instead. 

She thought I was ruining the faith that would’ve brought her miracle.

Chima: This went on until the cancer left in January 2022.

Thank God. How hard was it to get back to normal after a serious illness and numerous fights?

Michael: Whatever resentment that festered was neutralised by her new clean bill of health. The genuine joy and relief was strong. 

My wife was supposed to be dying, but she wasn’t anymore. I was just grateful we had a clean slate.

Chima: I also went out of my way to invalidate all my mean words and actions once I got my strength back. I made it clear I meant none of that, and I’ve been more intentional about kind words and gestures.

Michael: She spoils me and won’t let me spoil her. So instead of feeling upset about the past, all I feel is gratitude for life.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Michael: We just got a second chance at life together, and it’s been more of a 10 than ever.

Chima: 10. He’s a reminder of God’s promise to me that his time is the best.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

YOU’LL LOVE THIS: Love Life: I Fell in Love With My Childhood Friend

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tade: We’ve been family friends since before I can remember. We lived in the same neighbourhood, had our clique of friends and our families attended the same church.

Sonia: The nostalgia! We played with my dolls on weekends. Both the boys and girls. We’d all sit on the floor in my living room, playing pretend in the afternoons.

Were you guys close then?

Sonia: No. We didn’t have a bond until she transferred to my school in JSS 3. I was the only person she knew, so she gravitated towards me and my group of friends. We got closer because we had inside jokes most of my friends didn’t understand.

Tade: We had so much fun in secondary school. We became so close that our classmates, mostly boys, used to tease us and say we were dating. Look at us now.

Let’s get into how that happened

Sonia: I wasn’t thinking about relationships in secondary school. I didn’t even have crushes. But I knew I had a special bond with Tade. I had a best friend, but even she knew Tade and I were closer than we were. 

Tade: We were by ourselves a lot, talking about TV shows, clothes and our plans for the future. When she entered the boarding house in SS 1, we drifted just a little because we spent less time together. But we still had stuff we could only talk about with each other.

During the holidays, we’d hang out in church, participating in dramas and dance performances. A lot of our childhood friends had left by then, but they were replaced over time with other kids.

When did you realise you liked each other beyond friendship?

Tade: After high school graduation, she went to the US for uni. Meanwhile, my parents had started having issues in their marriage, and my brother and I were collateral damage. Things got so heated that they couldn’t agree on what university I should attend. 

The result? I ended up spending three years at home before I moved to Cyprus to study mathematical engineering. 

Sonia: I was sure she’d make a new life and forget about me. To begin with, the time difference was even crazier to keep up with than when she was in Nigeria.

Tade: But somehow, we managed to stay in touch through that and the craziness of studying for exams and term papers. The turning point for us was when we both swindled our parents into paying for me to attend her graduation in 2016. 

Don’t ask how we managed it, please. 

I have to

Tade: We lied. Do you want people to call the police?

Sonia: She told her parents two different stories about how she had to pay for a special course, and they both sent her money. I told mine that there was a graduation fee. 

Tade: I actually think back now and feel bad we made our parents cough out money so suddenly. I don’t think I can do something like that again. But I don’t regret it.

You lied, and then, you saw each other again…

Sonia: For the first time in almost five years. I remember us dancing, crying and jumping in the middle of the arrival hall at the airport. People must’ve thought we were crazy.

Tade: It was during this visit we had our first kiss.

Details, please

Tade: We kissed on the second night. 

It was the night before the ceremony. We lay in bed after a long evening out with her school friends. We couldn’t sleep, but we were also too wired to talk. It felt like the most natural thing to lean into each other and kiss.

Sonia: She stayed for a couple of days in my little apartment, and we had to share my small bed. I wanted to do so much more, but we chose restraint.

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Why? Was it awkward?

Sonia: A little. It was a little kiss, no tongues or anything. It’s crazy that I can remember it like it was yesterday. We were both so nervous with each other. We didn’t want to mess things up. I don’t know how we kept from going all out actually. Maybe because the feelings were new, and we were overthinking trying to understand them. 

Tade: We must’ve known without even having to discuss it that our love was becoming different. There was this new energy between us. I wanted to hug her all the time and for much longer than normal, but I just didn’t.

Sonia: I kept thinking about the fact that she’d leave soon, and it made me almost depressed. I wanted her energy around me for the foreseeable future. So the visit was rather bittersweet.

Tade: We even briefly talked about her coming back to Cyprus with me. But I think we both decided that wouldn’t be wise. In the end, I had to go back sad and alone.

Did you make any decisions about your relationship before you left?

Tade: Not really. A lot was left unsaid. We just focused on celebrating her milestone. I still had about two years of school left. We were so young. We had nothing figured out.

Sonia: I threw myself into job hunting and a master’s programme. And we went back to finding time to talk to each other over FaceTime.

Tade: For the next two years, things were dry and uneventful… except when she helped me write my thesis. 

Pardon

Tade: I’m exaggerating, obviously. We didn’t even study the same course, but she’s great with academic writing so she offered to help. She also had better access to research papers and better methodologies based on the American curriculum. It made everything faster. 

Sonia: She got into a couple of relationships though. 

Tade: More like flings.

With girls?

Tade: Yes. I’d pretty much figured out that I liked women. 

Sonia: I was too busy having anxiety over my career and future to have “flings”. People tried to get with me, mostly guys, but they never worked out because I was always too impatient and most black guys in the States are arrogant.

Tade: After I finally graduated in 2018, I moved to Georgia on a work visa. Three months later, she got a new job in DC, and we moved there together. We’ve been inseparable ever since.

Were you official at this point?

Sonia: Yes. I don’t know how it happened, but it happened.

Tade: I think it became clear when she invited me to move to the US and move in with her, and I actually did it. I was scared AF because I had zero plans. My parents wanted me back in Nigeria, but I didn’t want that. I had to get uncles and cousins to chip in on the travel and visa payments. 

Sonia: I offered to give her some money too, but she refused.

Tade: It was bad enough I’d be living in her house with no job for some time. 

When I got here, the first thing we did was make out for hours. It was pretty clear we were official.

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So how’s the last five years been together in DC?

Sonia: Everything from the shootings to the pandemic, inflation and job insecurity has tested us. But it’s been great having each other to fight the battles with.

Our relationship has been a dream. There’s no anger or depression that can’t be solved with kisses and cuddles, just lying under our thick bed covers in each other’s arms, crying, ranting, laughing or whatever.

Tade: Something we picked up recently has been spending Saturday evenings in bed, watching old black and white movies until we fall asleep.

Do your families back home know about you two?

Tade: No.

Sonia: Nope.

Tade: It’ll probably stay that way for a while.

Sonia: None of our siblings or relatives know either. We don’t entertain people like that.

Tade: We don’t hide it from the public, but our life has been pretty insulated. We mostly hang out with work friends and a few people from Sonia’s universities or our secondary school. Most of them know about us.

Sonia: My high school bestie teases us all the time like, “I knew. I just knew it!” I’m like, girl, chill.

Tade: We still get side looks from the Naij folks, though. It can be funny at times. Other times, it’s really annoying.

Tell me about that

Sonia: It’s mostly the newly born-again guys. Everyone is finding Christ afresh and getting so religious these days. I wonder if it’s something in the air. But I think they mean well. They try to preach in the most polite ways.

Tade: But it’s still disrespectful.

Sonia: One time, we were hosting in our apartment because I just got a long-awaited promotion, and we invited up to 15 of our friends. Tade and I were in the open kitchen at some point. She wanted to get some more drinks from the fridge. I followed her and we hugged and kissed a little. 

I turned and saw this babe giving us a strong stank look. Tade didn’t even notice. But then, the next day, we were talking to the girl on the phone, and she said, “You know you guys can invite me to things, but you don’t have to make out in my face when you know I love the Lord.”

Tade: I was so angry, I just told her she doesn’t have to come to our house anymore then.

I’m screaming. Have you guys had a major fight?

Tade: For sure. We had this major major one recently that made me scared I’d ruined our relationship for the first time. It was over money.

One of the major aspects of our lives is budgeting. You have to budget well to survive in this country. We budget for all the little things, but we also do it for vacations, major purchases and all.

Sonia: This was in 2022. 

We’d been planning to move to a two-bed for some time. When we’d had most of the money together to move, renovate and so on. Tade took most of it to replace her computer and buy some other gadget. I get it was an emergency, but I went crazy because she didn’t even talk to me first.

Tade: My stuff got wrecked, and I was in the middle of this important project. I’d even lost some of my work in the process. I thought she’d understand.

Sonia: The shock was mind-blowing because I was already dreaming of our new space. We had our biggest fight ever, and I won’t forget it any time soon. I finally understand why people say proper communication is so important. If she’d only spoken to me before making that decision with our money, maybe I’d have understood or come up with an alternative.

How did you get past that?

Sonia: By talking. She slept on the couch for some days though.

Tade: She made me cry and beg. She only forgave me after I went on my period, and she saw me suffer through my cramps.

Sonia: I couldn’t stay angry with her while she was in pain. But then, mine started like two days later. It was such a funny, painful mess.

What does the future look like?

Tade: The usual. Marriage. Kids. Not sure how involved our families will be in all that, but we’ve made a pseudo-family here.

Sonia: There’s my career mentor. She and her husband are like parents to us now. We vacation with them a lot. And we have lots of friends turned siblings who’ve been willing to sacrifice large amounts of money, time and favours to help us in so many ways.

Tade: But it’s not one-sided. We’re there for them in many ways too.

Are you saying your biological family hasn’t been?

Sonia: Mine have tried their best, and I’ll always love them for it. I send stuff back home all the time. 

But they aren’t here. They don’t do much for me in terms of companionship. I have sisters in Atlanta and my brother is in Dallas, but we haven’t seen each other in years. I respect it. They’re building their own families too. 

Tade: We’re completely estranged. My brother, father, mother and I — we all live separate lives. Besides the occasional WhatsApp call with my brother, I don’t feel much like we’re connected in any way. 

My father has a new wife with kids. My mum also remarried.

Sonia: But it’s fine. Everyone gets to find their tribe. We don’t have to be restricted by blood ties. And in the end, what matters most is finding your soulmate and making the most of it.

True. And how would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Tade: 10. 100 even.

Sonia: 10. I actually can’t imagine doing this life without you.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

READ THIS NEXT: Love Life: We Left the Country for His Stalking Ex

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Gbemi: I was standing on the road, waiting for a bus or bike, when this car stopped in front of me and wound down. It was actually the second car that stopped to offer me a ride that evening, but the no in my head immediately turned to yes when I felt the AC blow out of his car. I quickly thanked him and opened the door.

Muiz: I remember seeing this fine girl standing close to the bus stop. I wanted to get her out of the sun and into my life.

I’d just come out of a long relationship with someone I was sure I would marry, so I wasn’t thinking about a relationship when I decided to offer her a ride. I only wanted fine company and to give her some comfort.

Hmm. Were you both going the same way?

Muiz: She said she was going home, but she lived much further than my destination. I thought I’d drop her as far as I could go, and at least, I’d have made some part of her journey comfortable.

Gbemi: Unfortunately, it would’ve been hard to get a straight bus home anywhere around where he was going compared to where he’d picked me up from. When I told him this, he felt bad, so I downplayed it. I really didn’t want to get out of his car. It was so chilled and smelt nice. On top of that, he had Keri Hilson, one of my favourite R&B musicians, playing on his radio. I would’ve followed him wherever.

Muiz: We got to talking. I asked her about work, her family. I’m generally a curious person, so I’m always asking people everything about themselves. But with this complete stranger, I felt particularly interested. I like the way she speaks. Na she learn English pass everyone in Nigeria. 

I ended up taking her all the way to her house because I wanted to hear more, and I didn’t feel comfortable dropping her on the road anymore.

So you liked each other already at this point?

Muiz: When I think back now, I think I loved her already. I’m not normally nice enough to drive complete strangers to their doorstep that’s at least 30 minutes away from where I’m going. I’ve never done that before. But also, I wasn’t tripping in any way I ever had before. I genuinely enjoyed her company like I would a friend that I love.

Gbemi: I enjoyed how curious he was about my life and how much he really seemed to listen. At the same time, I didn’t get that vibe that he could be a criminal planning to kidnap or assault me. Girls will understand what I mean. I was so comfortable being in his car and talking to him that it didn’t even occur to me until later that night that I should’ve been more on guard. 

From that day until today, he’s never left my mind for one second.

Muiz: We didn’t even collect numbers that night. When I left her house, I started regretting, but I still had my last relationship to manage. 

I’d broken up with my ex when I found out she’d been cheating for a while, but she was still harassing me to get back together. I just wanted peace of mind for a while.

But?

Gbemi: Some weeks later, he came to my house to ask about me. 

He’d come some days before, when I wasn’t home and left a handwritten note with my maiguard. Nothing romantic. It was something like “Just so you know I dropped by. I hope your life is going fine.”

Muiz: When I finally met her at home, the first thing I asked for was her number. We went to a nearby eatery to chat for like an hour over chips and chicken. After that day, we talked on the phone regularly for months.

What were you talking about?

Gbemi: Nothing really. They weren’t long calls. I think the point was this constant need to check up on each other.

Muiz: One day, we talked about this bulb that just stopped working in my room. Another day, it was how I wished she’d come cook asaro for me in my house.

Gbemi, did you go and cook asaro in his house?

Gbemi: Before we got married, never.

Muiz: I tried my best to make her, but she no gree. 

Gbemi: I was too busy making it every other day in my father’s house to come and continue the struggle in another man’s house.

So when did you accept that you loved each other?

Muiz: One day, I was on the phone with her when my friend, who was crashing at my place that week, told me to just ask her out. He was like the way I was smiling while talking to her was not normal. 

I thought about it and realised he was right. She really made me happy.

I remember, when I met my ex, it was chaos from beginning to end. I liked her because she was crazy and made me feel alive. But with Gbemi, I have peace and it’s like I’m in heaven with God’s angels.

Gbemi: I always looked forward to our calls. They were short and sweet and left me feeling good about myself. It just got to a point when, once I saw his call, I’d drop everything to answer no matter what I was doing or who I was talking to. My siblings used to laugh at me all the time. 

Also, one of the reasons why I never passed the talking stage with other guys was because they’d always make snarky comments. One time, I made a passing comment about my hair, and this guy responded that he hoped I wasn’t trying to get him to pay for it. Another one, we were at a restaurant waiting for our food when I grumbled about them not giving us garlic bread and water to just hold our belly. He responded that “Are you trying to impress me?” 

But Muiz never made condescending comments like that. He was always sensitive and thoughtful. I noticed that very quickly.

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How did the asking out go?

Muiz: It took her a week to say yes. She kept saying she’d think about it, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for a relationship.

Gbemi: He was the only guy I ever dated. Before him, it was eternal talking stage after talking stage. I don’t count the guys I dated in school because those ones weren’t serious.

Muiz: Someone somewhere is telling people you were their girlfriend. Not knowing you’ve erased them from your history.

Gbemi: Sorry for them. 

I was scared because I felt I liked him too much. I was already thinking of what I’d do if he broke my heart. I sha said okay after a while because he kept sending me gifts. Every day, he’d send me something small: a novel, a pair of earrings, a CD of my best series. I had no choice but to agree.

What was dating like?

Gbemi: Nothing changed for at least a year. Except that I went to his house sometimes. We mostly spoke over the phone. 

He continued sending me small small gifts, but of course, not as often. I still have some of those gifts together in a box somewhere.

Muiz: It made me feel much better knowing we were exclusive. I just knew I could trust her to be faithful and that made me love her even more.

Gbemi: Then toward the end of 2013, I met his so-called ex and she did everything she could to frustrate our relationship.

What happened?

Gbemi: The first time I met her was at an event I attended with Muiz. The funny thing was I was admiring her from afar. I didn’t even know who she was, but she was dressed so beautifully. I was about to compliment her when someone introduced us, and she just snubbed me.

Muiz: Then I don’t know how she got Gbemi’s number, but she started harassing her with calls and threatening messages.

Gbemi: I had to block her.

Muiz: I thought she’d gotten over me. But the moment she found out I was in another relationship, she started her drama again. There’s no one I didn’t call to warn her, from her mother to her grandmother.

Gbemi: One day after we got married, we randomly walked past each other on the road, and she just shoved me back. It remained small, I would’ve fallen right on the road, and a bike zoomed past right after. 

My whole body was shaking, my heart was banging. By the time I’d settled down, she was gone.

How were you guys able to marry despite her disturbance?

Muiz: We ignored it as best we could. It wasn’t something that was in our face all the time.

Gbemi: We also talked about it. I asked about their relationship because I wanted to understand why she was behaving like that. But I think that’s just her personality.

Did her behaviour scare you?

Gbemi: It did. 

Sometimes, I’d think to myself, what if this babe tries to attack us in our home or sends boys to beat me or pours acid on my face? But then, I had to just calm myself down.

Muiz: I kept reassuring her and doing my best to caution my ex. 

By early 2014, I knew I wanted us to get married as quickly as possible. I proposed in my sitting room one day, and as soon as she said yes, I went to meet her dad.

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How did it go?

Muiz: Her dad told me, “Uncle, she’s my last born. You have to treat her like an egg.” He made me swear on my life that I would.

Gbemi: Muiz was intentional about everything. Our parents set a date for six months after the proposal to give us time to plan properly and raise money. At no point during this period did I even think about his ex. My mind was completely at peace because I loved him and I wanted him to be my forever.

What was it that made you guys so sure of each other?

Gbemi: For me, it’s his character. He’s a serious-minded person. He’s sure of himself and intentional. He made and still makes me feel secure. 

He also always shows genuine interest in me and the things that make me happy. My career, hobbies, likes and dislikes? He pays attention.

Muiz: She’s smart and has always had her priorities straight. She’s good with work and money, but she also always puts me first.

Then, there was just this sense of trust between us. When I say something, she takes it like that. She doesn’t get suspicious without provocation just because I’m a man. I can’t give a specific example, but I really valued that.

What was life after the wedding like?

Gbemi: Beautiful. We had a great honeymoon period without the honeymoon. The ex tried her best to ruin things, but she didn’t succeed.

Tried to ruin things?

Gbemi: She was always showing up at events and putting undue attention on us. Or trying to get in touch with either of us through unknown numbers. 

The worst was when she showed up at my office calling me a husband snatcher. It was so embarrassing. But more for her than me because no one really took her seriously.

Muiz: I felt bad that she was doing these things. Not just because of how uncomfortable it made Gbemi, but also because this was someone I dated for close to four years. Sometimes, I’d ask myself, “Did I do something wrong to her to make her act this way?”

But she cheated on me. I will never understand why she behaved that way after. Those were crazy times.

Did she eventually stop or you got the police involved?

Muiz: She did not o. We had to leave the country for her.

Gbemi: I’d been a customer service worker at an international airline for about eight years when in 2017, they transferred me to their office in Jordan. They paid for me to relocate and covered part of the costs for my spouse.

Muiz: It was a lucky break for us because we’d just found out she was pregnant before she received the promotion. In fact, we had to hide the pregnancy from the company. Let them not change their minds. You know these big companies can be funny at times.

Gbemi: Come and see us praying to God that my belly doesn’t become obvious before the trip finally happened. That’s how we escaped the crazy ex o. 

We’re now in Canada with our own travel consulting business, so we’re grateful to God for how everything worked out.

Sweet. What was your first major fight about?

Muiz: We have two boys, and if we’ve ever had major fights, it was probably triggered by them.

Gbemi: We have very different approaches when it comes to parenting. 

I’d always told myself I’d be the type of parent to understand my kids and talk to them like they had sense. Muiz is much more traditionally Nigerian, although he’s been taking some of my suggestions. 

Muiz: At the end of the day, I believe discipline wins when it comes to children.

Gbemi: But I draw the line when it comes to shouting at them. I always disagree with that and intervene when I have to.

Muiz: We’ve never had a major fight outside of that. I don’t think we ever even argued before we got married.

How does a major difference like that affect your marriage?

Gbemi: I see it as part of the package of growing old together, so I try not to internalise it or make it about me.

He’s gotten better. I’ve noticed him grow much softer, especially with our second son. He’s much more willing to have conversations with them and get on their level.

Muiz: Parenting as a whole, how much time we devote to caring for the boys, takes a toll on our relationship. There are many times when, between work, the boys, and even school — because she’s studying for an MBA and I’m taking some courses — we don’t have as much one-on-one time as we’d like. 

But I know one day soon, we’ll find ourselves retired and the kids will have moved out to start their lives, and we’d have all the free and peaceful time in the world. So I’m not worried. 

If she’s too soft with them, it only balances out my occasional harshness.

Gbemi: The important thing is he’s a good father and his love shines through most of his actions towards them. And that’s where I come in.

Great. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of one to ten?

Muiz: 10 because I can’t really imagine things being better than this.

Gbemi: 10. Our journey has been nothing short of perfect so far.

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READ THIS NEXT: Love Life: We Broke Up 5 Times Because of His Depression

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Lola: We met at work in 2017. My former company hired him to do some photography work for three months. The first day he came in and I saw him, I knew I had a crush. It was his eyes. They were so pretty, but he never looked directly at anyone.

Dennis: I noticed her right away. I passed by her cubicle, and she was so focused on her computer, typing God knows what. She’s the fastest typer I know.

Did you get to talk on that first day?

Dennis: Not really. Their CEO introduced me to everyone, including her. Then I went to my corner to figure out what they wanted me to do.

Lola: We didn’t speak until a few days later when we directly worked on a project.

And then, you fell in love?

Lola: No. We didn’t date until after he broke off the contract barely a month in and left our company.

What do you mean “left”?

Dennis: That “project” wasn’t part of the specific deliverables in my contract. Because I didn’t accept to take on tasks outside of the contract, the CEO started overcriticising the work I did. Everything was suddenly rubbish, and it was seriously affecting my anxiety.

Lola: When I noticed he was having issues with our usually mild-mannered CEO, I texted him just to check-in. 

He told me when he started considering leaving, and we talked about his anxiety. However, at the time, I didn’t understand that he meant depression.

When did you figure it out?

Lola: Shortly before we became official.

Dennis: But first, we were friends for a while. She became part of my support system. She’d always check in, even when she was dating some other guy.

Were you considering dating her instead, Dennis?

Dennis: Yes. Who wouldn’t? 

But I felt she was too good for me. I thought she was only reaching out all the time out of pity. She’s really nice like that.

Lola: Men can be idiots when they want to be sha.

How did you eventually get together?

Lola: I had to tell him I liked him, really liked him.

This was mid-2018 after an almost one-year relationship crashed because I wasn’t invested. I liked the guy but not enough to move as fast as he wanted. He wanted us to move in together, to get married at least a year later and all that. I didn’t think I liked him enough for all that. When he noticed I wasn’t invested the way he wanted, he left, and I moved to Dennis.

Dennis: I was shocked when she told me she liked me a lot. It was over the phone, but I believed her because her voice sounded so sincere. I just started crying.

Lola: I listened to him sob over the phone and didn’t even realise when tears started streaming down my eyes.

I think there and then, I should’ve known I was in for a rollercoaster.

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Tell me all about it

Lola: He started texting me a lot, asking what I liked and didn’t like. He was so sweet and poetic in his texts. You could sense that strong aim to please, and I was completely taken by it, trying to answer as openly as possible.

Dennis: The texts were mostly anxiety-driven. I wanted to take her out, and I wanted to do it perfectly. So I had to know precisely the type of food and ambience she liked.

Lola: That first date was nice even though we weren’t exactly dating yet. Afterwards, we didn’t meet much, but we’d text almost 24/7 with phone calls in between. 

Then I noticed him withdraw. After some months, the texts became less frequent to the point when I was almost begging him to text me.

Dennis: My mum died after a long illness just before Christmas of 2018, so…

I’m so sorry

Lola: He didn’t tell me that until shortly after New Year 2019. By then, I was frustrated by him. When I heard this, my feelings made a U-turn, and I was heartbroken for him. I knew he was really close to his mum.

Dennis: I felt bad for pushing her away during this time, but I really couldn’t help it. After recovering, I asked her to be my girlfriend, fully expecting her to say no.

Lola: But I said yes.

And for that year, dating meant sharing Ubers to our offices. He lived in Egbeda, I lived in Ikeja, and we both worked on the island, so he’d hail a cab, and then pick me up on the way. We’d mostly make out in the back seat until we entered traffic and I was too shy to continue.

That sounds nice

Lola: That was our life until COVID came and we all had to stay indoors. He lost most of his photography and content gigs and my salary was slashed in half. He called me one morning during lockdown and broke up with me.

Like a phone call?

Dennis: I was in a dark place and didn’t want to have to keep calling or texting through all that. It was really hard for me to do. But I didn’t want her going through emotional stress on top of how the pandemic was most likely already affecting her.

Lola: He didn’t say all this. He just said, “Let’s break up.” I was confused, but he was adamant, and you could even hear the irritation in his voice. No explanation; he just broke up with me and that was it.

And you got back after that how?

Lola: In October 2020, he called me crying.

Dennis: I missed her too much and hated myself for making us separate. A part of me thought she’d call or text to change my mind. I think by the day after I broke things off, I’d changed my mind. 

She never called.

Lola: Why didn’t you call?

So he called you crying, and then what?

Lola: I was confused. I had to drag my sisters into it, and of course, they advised me not to take him back.

I didn’t listen.

Dennis: I kept calling her to apologise and explain myself. I came clean about my depression and how I was already seeing therapists.

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Lola, how did you feel about this revelation?

Lola: I’d already figured out the depression bit when we used to text a lot before his mum passed. He’d constantly question himself and his whole existence. Sometimes, it felt like self-awareness and an urge to be a good person. Other times, it was scary, like he didn’t like himself at all. 

This time around, maybe because I was older, I wondered if I really wanted to be involved in that. But I like him a lot, so I convinced myself I couldn’t just leave him because he was going through things.

Dennis: We didn’t get back together until early December. But then, Christmas was a mess because I was broke AF after COVID, so we didn’t have a decent meetup until around March 2021. In July, we went to Ghana together.

Lola: We were so happy during this period. It was a huge high for him. But by September, he was low again. And I physically experienced his depression for the first time.

What happened?

Lola: Literally, nothing. He could hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone work or talk to me. We were pretty serious at this point, so I’d started staying over at his place a couple of weeks at a time. Omo, I had to move back to my father’s house at a point o.

Dennis: I was ashamed for her to see me like that. So her leaving was better for me in a way. 

We were so happy together that year that I was sure I wouldn’t be depressed for a long time, but I guess my mental health didn’t respect my actual emotions.

How did this affect your relationship?

Dennis: She stopped taking my calls for some weeks and when she did, she’d ask me if I was feeling better and that was it. I respected her need for space.

Lola: I was confused. I knew what I saw — the inactivity, the lack of concern or emotion — was the depression. But it also made me a bit insecure. What if it was me? What if he was tired of having me around and couldn’t say it?

Dennis: Around November, I went to her place and we talked about it. I told her what my therapist told me about managing my important relationships, how I wanted to do everything within me to make us work.

Lola, I’m curious about how you processed this

Lola: I had to start therapy myself and that helped me personally. It pushed me to ask myself questions and to put myself and my health first before thinking about my feelings for him. 2022 was great for us. It was a lot healthier because I understood him and I understood myself better.

In 2023, we had to take breaks twice. But 2023 was also shege year, so I’m not so worried about it.

Have you guys thought about what the future might look like?

Dennis: A lot. And there’s a lot of uncertainty. But I know I love her, and I’d be lucky to have her with me forever. 

Lola: It’s crazy that we talk about having kids more than we talk about a wedding, but I guess it’s because neither of us is very traditional.

Do you want to have kids?

Lola: Yes, definitely.

Then there’s my mum — who loves him like the son she never had, by the way — who’s always asking when he’ll “do the right thing”. Of course, she doesn’t know about the depression. Until we figure that out, we’re not in a hurry.

Dennis: Sometime in 2023, we started taking joint therapy, and that has helped a whole lot.

Lola: Honestly, I’d recommend it even to couples who feel confident about both their mental health and their relationship.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Lola: Hmm. 7? 7.5? We’ve been so intentional with making things work. But I get afraid sometimes.

Dennis: 7.5. I feel lucky to have her.

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RELATED: Love Life: I’m Not Sure What We Are Anymore

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Nnenna: One Saturday in May 2018, I saw a new female friend’s Instastories where she was hanging out at this get-together. I texted her, and she told me this guy I knew was relocating. I was shocked and wanted to say goodbye to the guy, so I ran there. Only to find out this girl was lying just to get me to leave my house. 

Anyway, the hangout was fun. There were snacks and lots to drink, so I stayed.

That’s how I met Basil. He was one of the guys hanging out there. We started chatting randomly, but I ended up moving to a different guy and kissing him. Later that night, the hangout moved to someone’s street. Basil was there, and the first guy I kissed wasn’t. Basil and I ended up making out that night.

Basil: We kissed for a while. I got her Instagram handle. We talked for a while too. She went home. That night I slid into her DMs, and we started stalking each other on Instagram and SnapChat. More on Snap after a couple of days.

Did you know about the other guy she kissed, Basil?

Basil: It eventually came out because the guy was an asshole. The moment he knew I was starting to like her and talk about her, and we were going to be a thing, he started running his mouth. 

We run in the same circles. He’s a friend of a friend of a friend, so somehow, he was always in my house.

Nnenna: The guy was an idiot. Can you believe he had a girlfriend?

I told Basil about the kiss some weeks after that night. That’s when I heard that the guy had been using me to boast. He even started trying to invite me over for things, whether it was drinks or a hangout or to come to his place. I would send screenshots to Basil telling him to call his “friend” out. Someone who already had a girlfriend, SMH.

How did the drama play out?

Nnenna: Nothing much happened once the guy noticed I was ignoring him. I just stopped hearing from him or seeing him around when I visited Basil or any of our mutual friends.

Basil: Some of my guys confronted him. He eventually got angry and started avoiding us.

Nnenna: I didn’t think too much of it. Basil and I were going strong. I felt like I was completely in love with him because he made me feel special. We hung out a lot and were always texting or calling when we weren’t together. I loved that I had his full attention. 

It was easy because he wasn’t working at the time, and I was just starting an internship, so we had all the time and energy in the world. Then, he told me he was going for his master’s in England and he probably wasn’t coming back to Nigeria.

Ahh. What did that mean for your blossoming relationship?

Basil: My japa plan was in motion a long time before we met. I wasn’t even looking to enter a relationship when we started liking each other, so I was conflicted for a while. But refusing a route out of Obasanjo’s country because of love was something I didn’t feel was an option for me. My parents definitely wouldn’t have heard me out.

When I told her, I was so sure she would cuss me out and then block me, but she didn’t.

Nnenna: I wasn’t that strong. This was a few months after we met, and I was already falling hard. I cried myself to sleep the night he told me. But over the phone, I formed hard guy. I thought he was breaking up with me, so I said, “It’s alright. I understand.” 

A part of me felt he just used me for cruise because he knew he wouldn’t be here for long. He said, “This isn’t over between us. I want us to make this work.” But in my mind, I was like, “This boy is a liar, ahh.” I didn’t think long-distance relationships were realistic at all.

What happened after the big reveal?

Basil: I continued calling her every day until I got busy with travel preparations and all. I noticed she was withdrawing from me in terms of how open she was during our chats. Normally, she’d be so detailed about everything that happened in her office. How her supervisors were exploiting her for basic errands. How some woman kept looking at her anyhow. How her dad doesn’t take her work seriously. How the commute was draining her soul. 

After I told her about my trip, we started having slow, drawn-out conversations that felt more like we were mourning the relationship. It was bittersweet because I knew it meant she really liked me and would miss me. I was just happy she kept taking my calls and staying on them for hours even when we wouldn’t say a word to each other.

Nnenna: I was crying all the time. It was like I was a newlywed whose husband was going off to war or something. I couldn’t even tell my parents why I was moping around the house all the time. They didn’t know about the relationship. They didn’t even think I should be having one so young. 

I’m an only child. My friends didn’t understand why I was so sad because I barely knew him. He wanted me to go with him and his family to the airport on the day of his departure, but I didn’t. I told him I’d meet up with him, and then, I turned off my phone the whole day.

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But why?

Nnenna: I didn’t think I was strong enough for that. I also didn’t want that to be the way I met his family for the first time. Lastly, I still thought it was goodbye forever, but a part of me also wasn’t ready for the closure.

Basil: I was crushed. I cried as I left my family to go check in, and they thought it was because I would miss them. No, I was heartbroken. 

Nnenna: We didn’t speak to each other again for months.

Basil: I was angry with her for breaking my heart.

Nnenna: I literally felt the same way. See life.

How did things pick back up?

Basil: She just WhatsApped me one day after like three months, asking how school was going.

Nnenna: I missed him. I was angry he didn’t reach out, but I figured I’d make the first move, and if he didn’t return my energy after a while, I’d chop my L and withdraw. I thought, at the very least, we could still be friends.

Basil: To be honest, I hadn’t reached out to her because I was so overwhelmed with the workload in those first few months that I couldn’t even think. The moment I saw her WhatsApp, it was like God was telling me he still loved me. I grabbed my phone and texted her back. That’s how we kicked things back up.

So a long-distance relationship? How did that work?

Basil: I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend pretty early on. While we were in Nigeria, we actually never made it official. 

Nnenna: That was funny because, before him, I always said I’d never take any guy seriously who didn’t ask for a committed relationship point blank. Now, I know you can always tell when something is serious. Action is stronger than words. 

After he asked me to be his girlfriend, we started talking about how I’d join him in London. I started applying for scholarships up and down. I needed something fully funded because I knew raising money for me to relocate wasn’t part of my parents’ plans. I must’ve applied over 200 times in that first year, but nothing reasonable came through.

Basil: In the meantime, we did a lot of talking, video calling and stalking each other on Snapchat. I “virtually” went along with her to most of the events she attended. 

We still have daily calls and check-ins and virtual dates. The pandemic really helped us because the tech world stepped up with cool new ways to help people connect virtually. We loved it when Netflix Party became a thing. We enjoyed all those virtual museum tours that became available during that period too. 

Nnenna: We’d have most of our meals together over Zoom, and when MTN wasn’t being our opp, it really helped us feel like we’re part of the meaningful aspects of each other’s lives.

We should do that more often actually. I miss that.

Have either of you ever been tempted to move on with someone within reach?

Basil: Yes. All the time. I second guess our relationship all the time, especially with pressure from friends. 

But it never lasts. I just like her too much at the moment. We’re so connected because we always communicate. I see her every day even though we’re not even on the same continent. Our relationship feels very real, and I constantly long for her, so it’s difficult to let go. Not that I want to. 

Nnenna: We talk about it a lot too. We always reassess where we stand with each other. Sometimes, a guy would flirt with me. I think he’s really cute, someone I might date. But the next thing I know, I’m telling Basil about him and laughing it off. I just wish it was easier to travel or relocate as a Nigerian. I’ve had my visa application denied four times for no reason. It’s hell, and everything is so expensive.

Basil: It’s like the universe is making it harder because we both want it so much. Every year, one family member or the other gets their visa approved on the first try.

Nnenna: Sometimes, I’m scared we might end up moving on from each other, but I don’t want that day to come. My parents always tell me I’m behaving like this because I’m still young. They say things like, “You’re wasting your youth on what may never be.”

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How do you feel about their lack of support for the relationship?

Nnenna: I don’t know how I feel about it. Sad? Worried? I know they’re reacting out of fear because they see me constantly on my phone or laptop, caught up with some guy who has an established life across the ocean. They’re worried I might get hurt.

But I just know how Basil makes me feel seen and loved all the time.

Basil: My parents get like that too sometimes, but it’s not as bad because I also have to speak with them over the phone. I used to get this vibe that they didn’t think I should be so serious about a girl who was still in Nigeria. My mum liked to ask, “Haven’t you met any nice Nigerian girls in London yet?” 

But since 2023, they’ve come to realise I’m serious about our relationship. I’m already making plans to return to Naij for the first time since I left, just to see her again. I’ve been saving for it. The plan is to come in the summer and get away together for up to a week.

What are the chances of an in-person relationship anytime soon?

Nnenna: I don’t know. I thought for sure I would’ve joined him by now. But now, I’m wondering where I got that certainty from knowing I have no substantial funding from anywhere.

Basil: Last month, I asked her to marry me.

Nnenna: We’re not officially engaged yet. I haven’t told my parents or friends, and we don’t have a ring. Only us and his parents know. It feels wild, but I’m excited. I’m scared of the unknown but excited still.

Basil: I’m scared too. I have no idea what I’m doing. But we go run am.

A long-distance marriage?

Basil: God, no! 

With us married, it’d be easier for her to get her visa approved and to get both our families to support us in cash and kind. Of course, we’ve both been saving for a while too.

Nnenna: We’re not rushing to do the wedding, but once we do, we’ll go ham on my relocation plans. 

Have you had any major fights so far?

Basil: The number one thing we fight about is when I try to “lecture” after she vents about something. This is an old one because I’ve come to learn my lesson and stop “mansplaining”, as she calls it.

Nnenna: Urggh. In the first year of our relationship since he left, I’d rant to him maybe about a work issue, and he’d start telling me how to fix it like I’m not thinking straight. He’d be like, “Don’t react like this. Take a breather. This is why this is happening. Have you made a plan to solve that?” I’d get so worked up because obviously, I know I’ll figure it out once I’m not angry anymore.

Basil: I realised that when she rants, she just wants me to be a listening ear and support her motion. I used to get upset that she was upset I told her the truth. Then I’d still have to apologise. Ahh. Tough times.

Nnenna: We also fight over him Netflix cheating on me!

Sorry?

Nnenna: We have virtual movie dates every weekend, but sometimes, especially when it’s a series we’re watching together, he’d watch some episodes during the week without me. I think it’s the subtlest but heaviest betrayal of trust. Then he’d try to pretend he didn’t, but the truth always comes out.

Basil: I can’t help it that I have better internet and more time. And I haven’t done that in a while. I’m sorry, love.

Nnenna: It’s so annoying. 

One time, I was on leave throughout the week, but I still waited for our agreed-upon time on Saturday so we could continue watching a show. For some reason, we didn’t get to watch it that weekend. Do you know this guy still went ahead and watched the whole season later on without me? 

When I remembered and asked that we finally watch it, he just told me he’d already seen it all. I was so pained. I still haven’t finished that show till today.

Basil: Again, I plead for your forgiveness.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Basil: A high 7. The long-distance is killing me. Does that sound like the lyrics to an old song?

Nnenna: Yeah. 7 too. 

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

SUPER RELATED: Love Life: We Got Married So We Can Be Gay in Peace

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Yemi: We met at Bogobiri House in 2015. 

A friend invited me to his friend’s live music performance, and I went because I was trying to get out more and expand my circle. I’d just transitioned from a highly demanding job to a more laid-back role, and it felt like I could finally breathe and be human. I think that outing was my first since I switched jobs, so I probably behaved like someone who was just let out of jail.

Anyway, at some point, this fine babe walked in with two or three of her friends, all girls. I just found myself staring at her as she walked by and sat by the bar during the show. I’d liked guys for a long time at that point, but I noticed her because she just had an aura. I knew I wanted to get to know her.

Joy: I tagged along with my friends from another event. From Bogobiri, we were supposed to go somewhere again. But then, when we wanted to leave like two hours later, he walked up to us to say hi. I thought he looked good so when he asked to exchange numbers, I gave him my number. 

He ended up coming with us and one of his friends to our next destination – a club. It was a Saturday night. We all hung out for a while then figured out how we would get home together. I ended up in the same cab as him, as the two people who didn’t have cars. He dropped off first and made me swear I’d text him when I was home and safe. So I did. 

And that’s how the whole thing started.

What started exactly?

Joy: We would text and hang out all the time. Lunch today, drinks tomorrow, company events, sometimes. Most times, his and my friends would be there too, but we both knew we were getting close to each other. 

I had a girlfriend at the time. We were pretty secretive about our relationship, as you can imagine. But we were still serious about each other until she decided to marry a man and we became more like a complicated situation. When it was five months into my new friendship with Yemi, I realised I was really lonely and wanted to be in something that felt secure, something I could be open about even if it wasn’t completely real. 

So I tried to tease him into asking me out.

Yemi: I noticed she was coming on to me, but I didn’t want to reveal anything to her yet. I don’t know exactly why I asked her to be my girlfriend till today. Maybe a part of me just wanted to eat my cake and have it. I wanted to be close to her. I liked her laidback personality, and this woman is a beaut. Are you seeing her? But I also didn’t want her to know I was gay. I know that sounds stupid.

Not really. I’m curious how the relationship progressed considering your conflicting sexualities

Joy: We didn’t get into it right away. 

First, we talked for about two to three months, and I do think we have such a strong emotional connection. You know how people say you can cheat just by offering yourself emotionally to people besides your partner or family members? I know what they mean. He really does feel like my soulmate despite my lack of interest in being intimate with him.

Yemi: We’re the best of friends. Our talking stage was one of the few great periods of my life, especially as I was just coming into having a social life at the time. We’d dissect things about each other. It was a period of soul-searching for me. She helped me discover what my preferences were. What was my favourite food or colour or kind of ambiance? She made me figure those things out.

Joy: I found it fascinating that he was just figuring out simple things like that about himself. It felt like he was finding himself through our discussions, and I was so happy to be a part of that. I knew what it was like to work at an intense, cut-throat job that takes like five years of your life without you even noticing. 

I think, after that, we started to really need those conversations and verbal support from each other. I liked how open he was to listening to my thoughts and things I was happy or frustrated about without feeling like he needed to advise me or instruct me on the “right” decisions to make. 

When did things get serious between you two?

Joy: We pretty much just started having more private outings. We’d go on dates just to talk more in person and have a good time alone together. But during this time, I did notice that he never tried to touch me or steal a kiss like guys tried to do in the past — even guys I wasn’t trying to get into a relationship with. I loved that he respected boundaries. Little did I know the real reason why.

Yemi: I was having a good time enjoying her company, but also debating in my head when I should come clean. I didn’t want her to run just yet. Around that time, I was sleeping with this guy I liked, but I still felt very lonely. On the other hand, I felt like I was cheating on two counts. Still, I went on with it because her company just made me happy. 

Joy: Beyond the dates, he’d send me money all the time, so I started putting in effort to get him elaborate gifts on special occasions. We got to know each other’s parents — and they were all relieved that we weren’t gay — and we hadn’t even kissed at this point. I didn’t bring it up because I was completely okay with that.

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Please, at what point did the truth come out?

Yemi: It was getting to a year since we became more committed to each other, and we were talking more than ever, sharing some really sensitive details about our lives and past. 

When I told her about it, it came so naturally. It was just time. I was like “I love you, but romantically, I like men.” I know it’s crazy, but because of the conversation we were having when it came out, I didn’t expect her to be shocked or angry at all. And she wasn’t. She was just like “Oh. I saw that coming.” And that’s when I knew she was my best friend. Just the tone and the look on her face. I knew she got me.

Joy: I smiled at him. But I didn’t tell him my part until much later. We continued like nothing had changed. We were even closer than ever. We were in each other’s flats all the time. We went everywhere together, except maybe work.

Why didn’t you just tell right away? 

Joy: I didn’t want to overdo it with the revelations. I also wanted his own to land first. I had to process what that meant to our relationship, how lucky we actually were — two gays of opposite genders getting along so well. I didn’t want to potentially ruin that yet.

Yemi: Don’t mind her. She wanted to drag out my internal torture just a bit longer.

Joy: I was also spinning a plan together that I wanted to give myself time to sell to him.

Which was?

Joy: We could properly commit and give ourselves the freedom to be who we really were. I mean, what were the chances that we, gay millennials, would ever have the chance to be with and marry people we were actually attracted to? 

I always tell people I’ve been cursed with an eternally broken heart. You think the streets are tough for you as a straight person? Try dating when everyone involved knows they don’t have to commit because they legally can’t. I thought, since we were in the same boat and understood each other so well, we could be each other’s family then get romance and sex elsewhere. 

It’s worked out well for us so far.

Yemi: It’s not the most ideal situation, but she’s right, it works. I know I waited a year to tell her the truth about me, but I would’ve been miserable if I ended up having to lie to someone for real just because I wanted to get married and have a home. So many Nigerians do that, but I didn’t want to be forced to be that guy. I’m glad I met Joy.

Joy, how did you eventually own up and reveal your plan?

Joy: It took a couple of months. 

It was a week to my birthday and we were making plans for a picnic with a few of our friends. I said I would’ve preferred it if it was just the two of us, and he frowned just a little bit. Then he said he’d love that too, but he hoped he wasn’t leading me on. When he said, “I can’t really offer you much beyond companionship”, my heart broke because I knew I wanted him in my life forever. I absolutely wanted the companionship he thought wasn’t a big deal.

Yemi: Meanwhile, I was beating myself up about everything.

Joy: I just started crying, and I saw the panic in his face. He thought I was heartbroken for the wrong reasons. But I couldn’t say anything because I was crying too hard. He started apologising, saying he’d step back and leave me alone if that’s what I wanted. I had to force the words out of my mouth that that was the last thing I wanted. When I calmed down, I told him I was a lesbian and I was sorry I didn’t tell him sooner. 

He actually said he didn’t believe me.

Yemi: I honestly didn’t. I thought she was pulling my legs or just trying to make me feel better. For a slim second, I even thought she made it up just because she liked me so much that she didn’t want me to leave.

Joy: But why are you so conceited?

[ad]

Why does it feel like you proposed to each other right after this episode?

Yemi: Not exactly. But she did tell me we could stay committed so we could both be gay in peace. While it felt conniving in a way, it also sounded like the answer to all my relationship problems.

Joy: My birthday came and went, and we basically stayed strong. I was at an age when everyone you know is married with two kids and people start asking you when your own will come. So, in my head, I was like let’s just do it. I was that sure I wanted to be committed to him. But at the same time, I wasn’t in a hurry. I wasn’t desperate for it. I was happy and independent, my career was going well and good enough money was coming in.

Yemi: It wasn’t until 2019, almost three years after we’d opened our closet to each other, that we started talking seriously about what our future together would look like. We’d both had steady sleeping partners for a while. It was time to be sure we were still on the same page. When she promised me she was, I went and got a ring and proposed to her over dinner at my place — I cooked!

Joy: The food was great; fried yam and stir-fry sauce. I debated telling him no at first. But I couldn’t do it. I said yes immediately, and we fell asleep on the couch after finishing a bottle of red wine between us. I called my mum first thing in the morning.

How was the wedding? Did you feel anyhow about the real situation of things as your families fussed over you?

Joy: They didn’t really fuss over us. My parents had given away three daughters at that point. They’d long given up on me. But yes, I wanted to tell my aunties that I was really a lesbian and this was all a cover, just to rile them up. Obviously, nothing would’ve been worth all the drama that would’ve caused.

Yemi: It was during COVID, so it was a quiet wedding. Most of my friends, the groomsmen, were queer. So besides maybe the elders in my family, I wasn’t really deceiving anyone. And for the elders, don’t we all have to deceive them over one thing or the other because they refuse to modernise their minds? 

I won’t say I didn’t feel anyhow, but the fact that I knew Joy wasn’t in the dark on anything, and she actually initiated the idea, made me at peace. 

Joy: At the end of the day, we really do love each other and are best of friends. It might be platonic, but I believe it’s just as powerful as the romantic version.

And what’s married life like while hiding your sexuality from the world?

Joy: There’s been drama, but not too much. Thankfully, our society doesn’t expect PDAs anyway, so we’re good.

Yemi: It’s been just as dramatic as any other marriage can be. We have squabbles over the littlest things: toothbrushes, who should take out the trash, what to watch on TV. Oh, and figuring out our plan for kids was one long drama that brought in most of our family.

Joy: Shockingly, we didn’t have a broad enough conversation about children before the wedding. We knew we wouldn’t be having sex, but we somehow also wanted kids. There were the IVF or surrogacy options, but we didn’t have that kind of money at first, especially after paying for the rent and renovation of our new three-bedroom flat.

Yemi: So when, a year into our marriage, my mother started bringing up kids, we felt so sheepish. It came down to having sex just for procreation.

Joy: I couldn’t do it. I absolutely didn’t want to do it. In fact, I was so convinced it would ruin us and everything we’d built because I knew it would be an unpleasant experience for both of us. This hung over our heads for months, like it was the biggest life-changing decision of our lives.

Yemi: It was, in a way. 

In the end, we decided to save up for a couple of months for the IVF. But then, it failed three whole times. We had a daughter in July 2023, and I like to ring it in her ears that we went bankrupt just to have her.

What about the “extra-marital” affairs? How do you navigate them within your marriage?

Yemi: You mean, the people we actually have sex with? It’s been strangely easy to manage so far. I was sure that was what would strain our marriage and have us ready to throw hands, but no. My current partner loves Joy and is in our home helping with our daughter a couple of nights a week. It might seem weird or complicated, but it really isn’t. Joy hasn’t quite had a steady partner in some time though.

Joy: No. For now, I’m okay with being purely maternal and a great companion. 

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Yemi: 10/10

Joy: Let’s call a spade a spade, please.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

Another complicated relationship story here: Love Life: I’m Not Sure What We Are Anymore

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Abiodun: Walking onto a train from Ibadan to Lagos and seeing her in the seat beside the one I was assigned. It was a fateful afternoon on May 21, 2022. After I sat, she looked at me with this bombastic side-eye.

Saidat: I did not. I was just hoping to travel without a seat partner that day. But he smelt nice, so I found myself smiling after a while. It was a nice first meeting.

Why was it a nice first meeting?

Saidat: He was a cool guy. I knew he was a bit older, and he acted his age. Very mature. We started a casual conversation some minutes into the ride. I think he mentioned how impressed he was with the quality of the train. He didn’t expect to be so comfortable. 

It was his first time on it. Meanwhile, I was serving in Ibadan and had schooled in UI, so I’d taken the train several times already. I commented that he thinks too lowly of Nigeria. That’s how we discussed other topics and three hours passed like beans. It was my fastest train trip ever.

Abiodun: I was immediately interested in her because of how smoothly our conversations went. I hadn’t had that in a while with someone I’d just met. I admired her smartness too. She’s an original efiko.

Where did things go from there?

Abiodun: Naturally, I collected her number as we got ready to disembark. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to get something to eat with me, but I was in a hurry to meet up with an appointment, so we parted ways.

Saidat: Once I left the station, I didn’t think much of it again. I think I told my elder sister about this guy I had a good rapport with on the train, then I put him at the back of my mind. I came to Lagos for an event and was returning to IB the next day.

Abiodun: I, on the other hand, couldn’t stop thinking about her, so I called the next day and was so disappointed she’d left for Ibadan already. I wasn’t due back till a week later. As soon as I got back, I called her again. I don’t even know why. I just wanted to see her in a different scenario.

And what was the next meeting like?

Abiodun: It took about a week before she agreed to go see a movie with me. We didn’t end up seeing the movie because they changed the schedule last minute, and we had to wait almost two hours for the next reasonable movie. We ended up sitting down for ice cream and pizza.

Saidat: It was fun. We talked some more, got to know each other. And I enjoyed the conversation once again. He paid for everything, including my transport back and forth. That’s when I knew this uncle probably wanted something more. But I liked that he respected himself and wasn’t too forward. 

I’d been talking to some other guys at the time, but he went to the top of my list quickly because we just got each other. Talking to him about personal things was easy, even over the phone. I also liked that he, unlike all the other guys, had a steady job and seemed to have his life figured out. 

We continued on in this talking stage until I moved back to Lagos after I passed out of NYSC in November.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

Why did the talking stage take seven months?

Abiodun: It sounds crazy, but it didn’t feel that way at the time. We were just taking all the time we needed to get to know each other deeply and be friends first.

Saidat: I was comfortable with it. We didn’t have to define anything too soon because I was at a point in my life when I was figuring out who I was and what I wanted. But then, the lines blurred while we were in Ibadan. We were technically in a talking stage, but soon, other things started happening. 

By the time I left in November, we were more like a situation.

When you say “other things”…

Saidat: Things got physical. I was a corper. I wasn’t taking life seriously at the time.

Abiodun: The attraction was there. The feelings were there. But she wasn’t just in the right frame of mind yet, and I wanted to give her the space to figure herself out.

Saidat: November came and I was back in Lagos facing the job market and full adulthood. Though we said we’d continue figuring out what we had, the new distance between us made it harder for things to move forward. We spoke over the phone on and off until it was getting to Valentine’s Day 2023. I told him I was expecting a lot from him since he’d been leading me on for so long.

Abiodun: I took a leave from work and came to Lagos the weekend before Valentine. We spent about three days hanging out. Sometime on the day itself, I decided we had to label our relationship once and for all.

Saidat: That night, he called me and said, “Can I call you my girlfriend now?” I wanted to say yes, but then, I remembered he was still based in Ibadan. I wasn’t hoping to live there again anytime soon. I asked if he ever planned to relocate to Lagos. He said no. I was torn. I couldn’t imagine myself doing long distance forever. So I posted him. 

I thought the relationship would end there, but guess who started visiting Ibadan every month from then on?

Hmm. A finished woman?

Abiodun: We went back and forth on our special train to see each other. She came more because it took her a while to get a job. Then she got a bank job and our visits reduced to every other month. At a point, my neighbours started calling her my wife. Mind you, we still hadn’t committed.

Saidat: I didn’t like the long-distance thing at all. I didn’t think it was sustainable. But I’d been talking to other guys and not a single one was meeting my small standards. They weren’t as easy to get along with as AB, so I didn’t want to let him go. 

He was helpful in ways I don’t get from these guys either. I mean, career advice and such. My relatives are helpful, but he just knows a lot about how to get ahead and helps me stay disciplined.

Have you guys worked out the distance problem yet?

Saidat: Nope. We’re still on it. I’ve been travelling to see him less since I got deep into office work some months ago. These days, I’m just tired and want to sleep any time I have a little free time. But we’re always talking over the phone, and sometimes, it feels like we’re already dating. Other times, it’s like we’re just best friends. I don’t know how to figure it out.

Abiodun: I know last last, I’ll have to relocate if I want this to work. I’m already searching for opportunities in Lagos. I need to show her I’m serious about her. But right now, she’s not even giving me face. I’m not so sure what we are anymore.

[ad]

Are you sure about moving? Don’t you have family in Ibadan?

Abiodun: I do. My mum. But I live alone. If I move to Lagos, I can still always visit. Many of my friends are in Lagos already. It’s the place everyone wants to be. 

The only reason I haven’t moved since is because I work with an established company. I’ve been with them for seven years now. They retained me after my own NYSC, and it’s one of those jobs people pray for. I can’t just let it go like that. That’s why any opportunity that brings me to Lagos has to make sense.

Saidat: I’m not saying you should leave your perfect job for me o.

Abiodun: My mum won’t mind me leaving as long as it’s for greener pastures, and I can continue sending funds for my two younger siblings’ school fees.

Saidat, how does your family feel about the relationship?

Saidat: Only my siblings know for now, and they’re supportive. They don’t want me to move back to IB though. But mostly because they don’t want to be apart from me. My elder sister also doesn’t want to see me move in with a man so early.

Abiodun: I’ve met all her siblings, and they love me. I can’t wait to meet her parents too. It’s clear to see they’re such a close-knit family unlike what I’m used to. I can’t wait to experience that with her.

But what if you’re never able to move to be with her?

Abiodun: Never say never. There’s always a way. Why won’t Lagos have a good enough opportunity for me? It’s only a matter of time.

Saidat: Energy! I think we’ll be fine either way. Maybe I’ll talk myself into moving to be with him.

Abiodun: Something must sha happen. I’m tired of this one step forward two steps backward in our relationship. I keep thinking I’ll wake up one morning and she’ll say, “Sorry, I’ve moved on with someone else.” Distance is a bastard sha. 

Have you had a major fight yet?

Abiodun: No. No major fights.

Saidat: But we argue about the distance a lot. He also gets touchy when I tell him men are toasting me.

Abiodun: People are always in her DMs or chatting her up on WhatsApp. Why did I have to fall for such a hot cake, God? These days, I just take it in my stride and appreciate her for being transparent with me. It’s not like I’m not talking to girls on my side either.

Saidat: We’re not exactly exclusive right now. But I think deep down, he’ll always have my heart.

That’s nice

Saidat: Another thing we fight about when I’m at his place is little things like cleaning after himself and not wanting me to move things around too much. He lives in organised chaos and still acts protective over where things like his remotes or toiletries are kept. He’s getting too used to this bachelor life.

Abiodun: This is why you need to come and save me from it.

Saidat: Who is saving you?

Won’t this become an issue when you finally enter the relationship?

Saidat: If it becomes an issue, it’ll be a really small one. We won’t have to make into a big deal. I think it’s one of those relationship differences you have to tolerate. 

Abiodun: I don’t even remember the scenarios she’s describing. It’s definitely a small thing. We’re very easygoing with each other. We cut each other some slack because we know neither of us is perfect. Let’s get past the relationship huddle first.

Can you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Abiodun: We neva even start. 1 o. Or 2, just so you know there’s love there.

Saidat: Come on nau. Me, I’ll say 5. I think we’d have drifted apart a long time ago if we didn’t have something good. You’ve actually been my personal person in so many ways so far. Thank you.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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