Kunle Ologunro, Author at Zikoko!

Have you been wondering about how you can pick money from the floor without turning to yam? Well, worry no more. This is how you should go about it:

1. Shadow the environment.

This is to know if the real owners of the money are not hiding somewhere waiting to grab whoever picks the money. The heart of man is desperately wicked, shebi you know.

2. Remove your blokos and piss on the money.

There is power in urine that can neutralize juju. This step one will be hard if you are a woman. But if it’s in a closed area, baby gyal, raise ya skirt and wet that cash. Who shame epp?

3. You can also spit on it.

This one is when the money is dropped in an area where you cannot remove your blokos or bend low to spray it. If one way does not work, another one will. That’s what I have learned in this life.

4. Don’t forget to call the “Blood of Jesus”.

This one is more necessary than the urine and spitting. Jesus will probably not answer a thief like you who wants to reap where you did not sow, but you can try first. Mercy prevaileth over judgement.

5. Step on it and grind it into the ground.

Act like you’re killing a cockroach. Just grind it and grind it. If people look at you one kind, pretend you’re about to dance shoki or gwara gwara and you are getting your leg in motion. They will leave you alone.

6. Now go low, go lower, go lower again and pick up the money quickly.

Or you can drop your phone and bend down so it can look like you’re not actually picking what is not your own.

7. Enter the nearest shop and buy something with it.

That way, you have successfully spread the cash around. Even if you will eventually turn to yam in the middle of the night, it will not be only you. The shop owner will become a tuber, and everybody who ate from the thing you bought will become tubers too.

The shop owner.

You, the ring leader.

Sha, I hope the owner of the money pounds you and eats you with proper soup. The next time you come to life, you will look away when you see people’s money on the floor.

11 Quizzes That’ll Separate The Ajepakos From The Ajebutters

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Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Why is Harmattan still making an appearance in Lagos even after we all said goodbye to it? Today on Interview With, Harmattan itself sits down to tell us why it keeps appearing like a thief in the night.

Yes, it appeared like a thief in our office too. We planned another interview, but Harmattan came in and took over from them because it had things to get off its chest.

[Harmattan enters unexpectedly and Zikoko office fills up with dust.]

[Harmattan balances on a chair. Zikoko rushes to grab Vaseline, lip gloss, and face mask.]

Zikoko: [Confused] Um, good morning. Where are you coming from, please?

Harmattan: What business of yours is that? Who are you to police my movement?

Zikoko: Ah, no oh. I’m just surprised.

Harmattan: Surprised about what?

Zikoko: That you are in Lagos, in our office for that matter.

Harmattan: Why are you shocked?

Zikoko: The thing is, we already said goodbye to you weeks ago.

Harmattan: And I have decided to come back like a thief in the night.

Zikoko: Um, this is the daytime…

Harmattan: Okay, what’s the big deal in that? As for the question of why I’m here in your office, I have things to say, and I know you interview different things, so I have decided to bring my case here.

Zikoko: But we already invited another object in here for today’s interview.

Harmattan: Okay then, send me out of your office and Lagos people will have to endure me until March. Thank God you know how hard it is to find an apartment in this Lagos. I’ll simply move around and sleep anywhere I see so I can keep tormenting you from wherever. By the time your lips start to bleed, and your skin starts to turn ashy because body creams cannot compete with me, you will look back on this moment and wish you had interviewed me in peace.

[Harmattan rises to leave]

Zikoko: Haba, Harmattan, don’t be angry. Oya sit down, we will interview you.

Harmattan: Are you sure?

Zikoko: Very sure. Interviewing you is for the good of the whole country and the people who live in it.

Harmattan: Good.

Zikoko: So, what brought you back here?

Harmattan: You see, I was not even supposed to leave in the first place. I have a routine that I follow. I enter the country from like the beginning of December. People will feel me, but not so much. It’s just as a sign that they are in the festive season, that’s all.

Zikoko: Okay…

Harmattan: But once December passes and the new year comes in, I launch into operation. I usually like to visit other states first: Ondo, Enugu, Kano, Oyo, etc. Those ones welcome me with open arms, and my work isn’t so difficult. I enter, spread my coldness around their city and when I’ve done enough, I gather myself and leave.

Zikoko: So when do you now enter Lagos?

Harmattan: [Deep sigh] I like to enter Lagos like a thief in the night. That’s the best way I can function.

Zikoko: Ahan, why?

Harmattan: The heat generated by fornication is too much. Let me tell you something, do you know that when people bump genitals together, their action generates a high level of heat?

Zikoko: Come through, Mummy G.O.

Harmattan: I’m not joking. Each person carries a divine heat that belongs to them alone. Why do you think your temperature rises sometimes?

Anyway, when they carry this heat and combine it with another person’s heat, there is a direct attack on my powers as Harmattan. And it would have been nice if it was just those two people. But you people in Lagos fornicate too much. Ha. Everywhere you go, sex is happening. Now multiply this level of heat from body to body to body to body. When I enter Lagos in December like this, I lose my powers instantly.

Zikoko: That’s… strange. Must be those IJGBs. You know they usually enter Lagos in December.

Harmattan: I don’t even care anymore. IJGB oh, actual resident oh, everybody must collect. That’s why me too I like to play it smart. I disappear and make them think they have seen the end of me. Before they know it, I suddenly appear again with plenty power. Since they have said they will use fornication to prevent me from functioning well, me too I will shock them.

Zikoko: And has this been effective in stopping fornication so far?

Harmattan: Mr Interviewer, you know Lagosians now. Can anything stop them? Rain falls, they will say, “Weather for two” and enter it to collect knacks. Too much sun, they will carry umbrella and say they need knacks to cool them down. Is it now harmattan that will stop them?

Fornication is in the DNA of every human being, but you see Lagosians, their entire DNA is made of fornication. And now that I have realised that, I’m working on how to tackle it.

Zikoko: How so?

Harmattan: Instead of making them cold enough to crave fornication, I’ll increase my intensity so it can look like they’re in Canada. Maybe I’ll even throw in a little ice blocks for extra effects. By the time you put your bath water outside and it becomes frozen solid in less than two minutes, everybody will sit up straight.

Zikoko: Hmm but don’t you think that’s a little cruel?

Harmattan: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Harmattan that is supposed to prepare you for Canada, you are using it to fornicate. And some people will wonder why they are not succeeding.

Since they have chosen the difficult way, me too I have chosen to meet them there.

Zikoko: How about—

Harmattan: Don’t even try to get me to change my mind.

[Christmas Lights enter]

Christmas Lights: Sorry we are late oh.

Harmattan: Who are these ones?

Zikoko: They are the ones I was supposed to interview before you took their spot.

Harmattan: Sorry to them. Why are you interviewing them anyway? Has Christmas not passed?

Zikoko: Yes, that’s why I want to interview them.

Christmas Lights: We want to come and speak about how people leave us to hang on Christmas trees long after Christmas is over.

Harmattan: Shouldn’t you be happy? You come out just once in a year and you’re complaining about being left out on a tree for too long.

Christmas Lights: There is nothing interesting about being hung from a tree like a low budget Jesus Christ.

Zikoko: Let’s move on from that, please. Why are you late?

Christmas Lights: One guy and his girlfriend used us a cover and started having sex behind us. There was no way we could move from the tree without alerting attention and making people realise that we are Christmas Lights that can move.

Zikoko: Wait a minute. Somebody in this Lagos used a Christmas tree as a cover and started doing hot fok in public?

Christmas Lights: The babe even held the tree as they were—

Zikoko: No, that’s enough.

Harmattan: When I said fornication is in the DNA of Lagosians, you thought I was playing.

Zikoko: I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Harmattan: Say nothing. It’s time for me to turn up the volume. These people’s mentality must change.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Twitter Bird: “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

After seven months of being denied entry into Nigeria because of the Twitter ban, the Twitter bird finally regains its freedom. The Nigerian government called off the ban on January 13, 2022.

We knew the Twitter bird would have a lot to say about its experience, so we invited it to our office for an exclusive interview about its time in exile and how it feels to be back and breathing Nigeria’s polluted air.

[Twitter Bird flies in singing “Bird Set Free” by Sia]

Twitter Bird:

Clipped wings, I was a broken thing

Had a voice, had a voice but I could not sing

You would wind me down

I struggled on the ground, oh

So lost, the line had been crossed

Had a voice, had a voice but I could not talk

You held me down.

Zikoko: Wow. Is this Sia or her younger sister?

Twitter Bird: [Sings with more vigour]

And I don’t care if I sing off key

I find myself in my melodies

I sing for love, I sing for me

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free.

Zikoko: Wow, wow. Applaudise!

[Twitter Bird finishes singing, surveys Zikoko’s office and hisses]

Twitter Bird: You people are not ready. [Prepares to fly out]

Zikoko: Ah, please wait. What happened, what did we do?

Twitter Bird: I just came back to this your country. I even sang my freedom anthem, and none of you thought to lay a red carpet down for me?

Zikoko: We appreciate the anthem. In fact, we appreciate everything you have done. But we didn’t lay a red carpet because you fly.

Twitter Bird: You should have laid it on the floor. [Lands on the floor] As you can see, I can also walk. [Flies back up]

Zikoko: Ah, sorry for the lack of initiative. It will not happen again.

Twitter: It better not. Before we even start let me just tell you, if your leaders try to ban me again, it’s goodbye forever. I’ll start a new life elsewhere and forget you.

Zikoko: Nigerians can’t be easily forgotten. In fact, we can boldly say that Nigerian Twitter is one of the best places to be.

Twitter Bird: Then talk to Buhari. I didn’t like being locked away. Every single time Nigerians had to turn on VPN to access me, I felt sad.

Zikoko: Well, you weren’t exactly gone. The VPN was helpful.

Twitter Bird: Yes, it was helpful, but if someone locks the front door and you have to enter through the window, is it still the same thing?

Zikoko: No, it isn’t.

Twitter Bird: Exactly. Anyway, let me sit down. I have a lot of places to be today. I can’t waste my strength staying in the air for this.

[Twitter Bird settles down]

Zikoko: Welcome! We are so pleased to have you—

Twitter Bird: And I just want to say that I hope Nigerians will appreciate me more, now that your government has opened the door for me.

Zikoko: We do oh.

Twitter Bird: Let’s hope so.

Zikoko: But wait sef, don’t you also send people to Twitter jail?

Twitter Bird: I don’t get your point…

Zikoko: People’s accounts are suspended all the time, and—

Twitter Bird: Oh so, now I am capable of suspending people’s accounts, right? I should speak to the people about putting me on the payroll and giving me a monthly salary. Must be nice to be a bird with the ability to suspend accounts.

Zikoko: Don’t take this the wrong way, please.

Twitter Bird: No, no, it just funny that you can equate me being banned from Nigeria to suspension of spam accounts. What is that jump? The person that tweeted something about Nigerians having analogy usage problems didn’t lie.

Zikoko: Please, hold on what I’m saying is—

Twitter Bird: There’s no point there, Interviewer. Do you know what it feels like to be banned from an entire country? At least when accounts are suspended, many people create another account. Can I create another country where I am unbanned?

Other social media apps were flourishing here in that period. Trends were distorted, something would be trending in Nigeria and I would see it on the Netherlands trends table. Is that something worth being happy about? Even the day Facebook and the others went down people still used VPN to complain on Twitter.

Zikoko: Sorry you had to relive that awful memory.

Twitter Bird: Please ask tactical questions next time or I’ll fly away.

Zikoko: Now that you’re allowed back here, what’s your relationship with Lai Mohammed and Bashir Ahmad like?

Twitter Bird: I’d rather not talk about it.

Zikoko: In the last interview we had with you just after the ban was announced, you said they might cage you if they caught you in our office.

Twitter Bird: And now, I know why the caged bird sings. [Twitter Bird gazes into the distance]

Zikoko: [wiping a tear] Come through, Maya Angelou.

Twitter Bird: *chirp chirp* Right now, I don’t think anything can happen. We’re all on the same page. You can’t enjoy me and still be working against me.

Zikoko: Be grateful they are not Lagos men. Those ones will enjoy you and actively work against you.

Twitter Bird: You humans are tiring. I can’t relate.

Zikoko: So, what will the situation be like for you now, especially with Crowwe and Koo in the market?

Twitter Bird: I don’t know she or her.

Zikoko: Haba, don’t be like that nau. They are your fellow social media apps.

Twitter Bird: Are they? Who knows them, does Google recognise them?

Zikoko: Ehen nau. Koo was introduced as an alternative to you, after you were denied entry into Nigeria.

Twitter Bird: Well, here’s a tweet that perfectly sums up what I have to say:

Zikoko: Omo, please speak softly. They just unbanned you; the gates of your prison are still wide open oh.

Twitter Bird: And Nigerians can still download their VPNs back, so what are you saying?

Zikoko: You’re bold o.

Twitter Bird: That’s what seven months in a transparent jail does to you.

Zikoko: But what about Crowwe, Adamu Garba’s brainchild?

Twitter Bird: [bursts into loud laughter]

Zikoko: Why are you laughing?

Twitter Bird: Brain child suggests the existence of a brain. I wouldn’t say—

Zikoko: Oya, swallow it like that. Don’t put us in trouble.

Twitter Bird: I like how your government leaders think I don’t know why they decided to give me my back my freedom.

Zikoko: Oh, you do? Tell me, please.

Twitter Bird: 2023 is a few months away.

Zikoko:

Twitter Bird: Oh, I’m not mad at it. In fact, I admire the thought process. But there’s one thing I want to say to them. Is there a camera I can look at while I speak to them?

Zikoko: Uhm, Twitter Bird, this is not a video interview.

Twitter Bird: All well and good. You help me tell them then?

Zikoko: Depends on the message o…

Twitter Bird: You couldn’t live with your own failure, where did that bring you? Back to me.

[Twitter Bird flies away, singing its freedom song.]

Now I fly, hit the high notes

I have a voice, have a voice, hear me roar tonight

You held me down

But I fought back loud, oh

No, I don’t care if I sing off key

I find myself in my melodies

I sing for love, I sing for me

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

[Zikoko turns off VPN]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With The Remembrance Day Pigeons: “Tell Buhari We Have Just Started”
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Can I tell you the truth? If there is one Zikoko flagship you should never miss, it should be Interview With. I’m serious, this series brings you humour, madness, creativity and range like never before. I have interviewed Saxophone, Titus sardine, Small Yansh, Turning Stick, among many others. Why would you miss such a series?

Because I love you, I compiled a list of top ten inanimate object interviews you must read. You’re welcome.

1. Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

Let’s be honest, we are all tired of Saxophone serenades at this point, yeah? We want someone to hold their birthday without the neighbours being disturbed by pararan sounds. If we as humans are tired, guess how tired the actual saxophone must be.

That’s why you should read this interview so you can ‘hear’ Saxophone itself rant to us. Read here.

2. Interview With Lagos Apartments

Before Nigerians started discovering the slices of house in Lagos and the madness of Lagos agents, Zikoko already gathered up the apartments and spoke to them about the situation of things. In this interview, we spoke to Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba, Dog House In Lekki, Uncompleted Building In Shomolu, Shop In Mushin, and Slice Of House In Lagos Island. All the apartments Lagos agents offer to you when you tell them you want to rent a house.

Read here.

3. Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

There’s Omicron outside. Constable Sapa too is patrolling the streets. But does this concern Detty December? Apparently not. She’s all dressed up and ready to hit the streets.

Read our interview with her so you can get the full gist of our discussion. Read here.

4. Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

In case you forgot, let us remind you: this was the year Twitter was banned in Nigeria. This was also the year Adamu Garba tried to force Crowwe on us. And this, too, was the same year Adamu Garba filed a lawsuit against Jack Dorsey of Twitter.

You know what we did while all of this was going on? We secretly brought the Twitter bird into our office and interviewed it.

Read here.

5. Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

Gather all the naira notes together, and they still wouldn’t be able to buy you a decent live chicken for Christmas. Why then are we running after them? In this interview, the naira notes expose themselves as fake beaches and detty liars who are living a fake life.

Read here.

6. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff Is Not A Part Of Us”

Quick question: what does not belong in a small chops platter? You don’t have to answer, the members of the small chops association already answered that question in this interview. They all dragged each other, and only one baddie came out on top. Guess which one?

Read here.

7. Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf”

Lagos Mojito has come into disrepute lately. Lagos residents (read: Lagos alcoholics) have complained about Lagos bartenders trying to punish them with herbal concoction, instead of Mojito. As the investigative journalists that we are, we brought Lagos Mojito itself into our office for questioning.

Guess what? It’s now being called Mojisola.

Read here.

8. Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

Yes, you know the Turning Stick, but do you really know him?

In this interview, we spoke about his main job and side hustle, as well as the annoying way Nigerian mothers use him against their children. The Turning Stick has really witnessed a lot, and this interview will show you just how much.

Read here.

9. Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

Before our very eyes, Titus sardine that used to be about ₦350 has jumped to ₦750 and is slowly approaching ₦1,000. What could be the reason for such a drastic increase in price? ~~Of course, hold Buhari.~~ And more importantly, how does Titus sardine feel about being the newest luxury item?

It was such a honour to have Titus sardine grace us with its expensive presence.

Read here.

10. Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

See Small Yansh dey shake oh!

Small Yansh ‘shaked’ into our office and we interviewed it. If you’ll read only one interview on this list, let this be the one.

Read here.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

[donation]
Christmas is here again, and as always, chickens are grieving in the market because they are about to be slaughtered. The ones that are not grieving are too expensive, and the ones that are not too expensive don’t have enough meat on them. The next alternative is turkey, but let’s tell ourselves the truth: how many of us can afford a live turkey, especially in this economy where a tin of Titus sardine is the same price as a 48 karat piece of gold?

We know you need nourishment, a piece of animal on your plate of rice to bring you protein. What then can you kill? Worry no more, dear reader. Here is a list of alternative animals you can kill for Christmas:

1. Lizard.

They are roaming around and nobody is really going to hold you back if you catch one or two and add it to your stew. If you fry it deep, it has this crunchy flavour that beats any small chops ever made. Try it.

2. Snake.

People are kuku eating snake. Why must your own now be different? Reports reaching us is that it tastes just like fish. So, what are you waiting for? Just enter the bush or wait in your toilet and wait for a snake to rear its head in your water closet.

3. Cockroaches.

This one gives an extra crunch when you add it to efo riro. People will think they are eating prawns. If you don’t mention anything to them, they might even think you are filthy rich, serving people prawns on Christmas day, in this economy.

4. Stolen goat.

Many goats are roaming free. What harm is there if you catch one and use it to feed your community? You are simply repurposing free meat that might have otherwise wasted. You should get your girlfriend to cook it, by the way. That way, you’ll know if she will stand by you through good and bad times.

5. Your neighbour’s cat.

You must do this as quick as possible, so nobody suspects you. Just lure the cat with a piece of dried fish and when it comes to you, throw it inside a pot of hot water, cover the pot and sit on it. Your neighbour might curse you, but if you give them some of the meat to eat, the curse will be shared equally among the both of you.

6. Your pet dog.

What is Coco doing being a pet dog anyway? The economy is hard, and sooner or later, you might have difficulty feeding that poor dog. So, put the dog out of its future misery by cooking it and sharing it among your neighbours. Add enough curry and thyme with scent leaves to give the meat extra flavour. Don’t worry, it is perfectly normal to eat dogs.

7. Your ex.

Oh, don’t look at me like that. When the two of you fought before breaking up, did you not refer to each other as animals? So, what is the big deal if one of you ends up in a pot of Christmas stew? When the police arrests you sha, just don’t mention Zikoko’s name.

Merry Christmas! 💃 🎁

[donation]
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Everyone who reads Interview With… always have one question: “Are you on crack?” To be honest, when I look back at all the interviews we have done, I have every reason to believe we might have snorted some baby powder as crack. But before you call us out, our numbers tell us you love the crack too. 🌚

By our records, here are ten of the most-read inanimate object interviews.

1. Interview With Pepper: “Beg Yoruba People to Free Me”

How does it feel to be claimed by an ethnic group when you were created to belong to nobody and everybody? In this week’s Interview With, Pepper sits with us to discuss its experience in the hands of Yoruba people.

2. Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

The country is going through so much these days. In the midst of it all, we are overlooking some important characters: the Eagle and the two Horses on Nigeria’s Coat of Arms.

Today on Interview With, we brought them in to ask how they are coping. Their answers will blow your mind.

3. Interview With Red Wine: “Why are Nigerian Women Lying against Me?”

For years, Red Wine has been the subject of many accusations by Nigerian women.

Today on Interview With, Red Wine sits with us to discuss how it feels about these accusations and tries to clear its name.

4. Interview With Truth Or Dare: “Why are Nigerian Men so Horny?”

Truth or Dare is a very popular game in the Nigerian party scene. From birthday bashes to house parties, Truth or Dare always makes an appearance, especially when horny Nigerian men are involved.

So, we decided to speak to Truth or Dare to find out how it feels about inadvertently becoming the go-to game for turning a simple party into a den of iniquity.

5. Interview With Lagos & Traffic: “What God has Joined Together…”

Inspired by Love Life, I decided to ditch a solo interview this week and speak with a very powerful couple whose impact has been deeply felt by millions of people.

As you will learn from this interview, they are bound together. You cannot mention one without mentioning the other. Honestly, they need no further introduction. Meet Lagos and his wife, Traffic.

6. Interview With Cocaine: “Why are Abuja People Ashamed of Me?”

A lot of people accuse Zikoko writers of taking cocaine and crack, so I decided to reach out to Cocaine, to see if it would be interested in giving a statement that would clear us of such accusations.

But during the course of our interview, Cocaine dropped a major bombshell about its relationship with Abuja people, and I knew I had to sit up and pay attention.

7. Interview With Breasts & Bum Bum

There is an argument as old as time: Breasts or Bum Bum? Or, in other words, are you a Breast person or a Bum Bum person? There’s probably going to be no end to this argument, but we can only do our own part, and that’s why we decided to call in Breasts and Bum Bum to our office for an interview.

Today on Interview With, Breasts and Bum Bum come together to discuss which one of them is greater, and why.

8. Interview With Spoon, Fork & Knife: “Why We Usually Disappear”

Have you ever needed cutlery but couldn’t find them? If you pay enough attention, this is when you realise something is not right. Spoons reducing in number, Forks vanishing, and Knives, well, doing their thing.

Today on Interview With, we sat with the trio and asked them to tell us the truth.

9. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff is not a Part of Us”

A small trouble is brewing in the Small Chops Association: the other members no longer want Puff-puff to be a part of them. This is difficult, considering the large quantity of Puff-puff you find in a Small Chops package.

Today on Interview With, we spoke to the members of the Small Chops Association, including Puff-puff, to hear their take on this delicate matter.

10. Interview With Crayfish: “Igbo People Need to Release Me”

The Crayfish is an important celebrity that has been appearing in a number of soups, stews and other Igbo meals for a long, long time. But what is the cost of this level of fame?

In this week’s Interview With, the superstar talks to us about its life, hard work and secret struggles.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

[donation]
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

When I think of a Zikoko series with the most exciting (and often unexpected stories), Love Life comes to mind first. Each time Mariam and I get the chance to interview a couple, we always wonder what their love life is like, and by the end of each interview, we are always surprised, awed, heartbroken, or motivated to go out there and find the love that exists for us.

We are not the only ones who feel this way. You, our readers, do too. You read each story we put out, share them with friends and sometimes come back to read a particular story, again and again. By our records, here are some of the Love Life stories you enjoyed a lot this year.

We love you, and that’s why we are bringing them back to you this holiday so you can feel anew, the same joy and romance — and surprise — you felt when you encountered each story for the first time.

1. Love Life: We Kept Finding Our Way Back To Each Other

Victor, 31, and Wendy, 29, have been married for three years, and they’ve been friends since they were kids. For today’s Love Life, they talk about finding their way back to each other amidst exes, distance and bad decisions.

Read here.

2. Love Life: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex

Ijeoma*, 26, and Peter*, 29, have been friends with benefits for 2 months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about satisfying their primal needs while maintaining serious relationships with other people.

Read here.

3. Love Life: When You Know, You Just Know

Chuba, 32, and Mohini, 27, have been together for over five years. For today’s Love Life, they talk about realising they were perfect for each other, coming back from multiple breakups and navigating long distance.

Read here.

4. Love Life: We Have Decided To Let Each Other Go

Angel*, 29, and Akin*, 37, are deeply in love, but they are trying to go their separate ways. For today’s Love Life, they talk about getting back together after their first breakup and finally choosing to “decouple” due to their religious beliefs.

Read here.

5. Love Life: We’re No Longer Together, But We’re Life Partners

Mezie*, 32, and Oge*, 31, went from friends to lovers to friends who occasionally have sex. For today’s Love Life, they talk about being life partners even though they know they can never get back together.

Read here.

6. Love Life: Opening Our Marriage Felt Natural

Charles*, 31, and Rukky*, 30, have been together for a little over a decade. For today’s Love Life, they talk about opening their marriage, dating other people as a unit and why communication is the most important thing.

Read here.

7. Love Life: It Was Love At First Talk

Akintunde, 35, and ‘Depeju, 26, knew they would marry each other after speaking on the phone for the first time. For today’s Love Life, they talk about fighting for the first few months of their relationship, how they got past that and what it feels like to become parents.

Read here.

8. Love Life: We Fell In Love While Cheating With Each Other

Farida*, 27, and Favour*, 28, have been together for one year. For today’s Love Life, they talk about cheating on their ex-partners with each other as a form of self-care and eventually falling in love.

Read here.

9. Love Life: We Were Made For Each Other

Uwem, 33, and Blessing, 27, have been together since 2010. For today’s Love Life, they talk about transitioning from being close friends to lovers and eventually getting married.

Read here.

10. Love Life: We Were Best Friends In Secondary School, But Now We’re Both Married

Teslim*, 28, and Chibuzo*, 29 dated for four years and have been married for three. Today on Love Life, they talk about transitioning from secondary school best friends to lovers, starting their tech careers together and how they struggled with long distances before marriage.

Read here.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

[donation]
The I Just Got Back (IJGBs) are back in town, at least the ones who escaped the Red List. The accent is flowing and the dollar is plenty. How do you know which one will destroy your life? We know them, and here are the signs.

1. They always want to see you.

These are the IJGBs that don’t care whether you have a day job. They are back in town and want to see you immediately. To them traffic or Nigerian bosses do not matter. Please flee from these kinds of IJGBs before they run you down.

2. They are professing undying love for you.

IJGB that is visiting Nigeria for the first time after how many months and the first thing they are doing is professing undying love? Please, if any one of them comes your way, just flee before they ruin what is left of your life.

3. They want to have raw sex.

This can go wrong in many ways and you know it too. So, if any IJGB is proposing tlof-tlof without protection, please just wear your clothes and enter your Bolt back home. No tlof-tlof is worth all that, plis.

4. They want to go to the most expensive places in town.

This is actually super chill. Until you realise they want you to foot the bills. Take it from us: being an IJGB doesn’t mean they will have money. Who knows, they’re probably struggling like you. Shine your eye.

5. They want to party all night.

This one just wants to kill you. Party all night, with your back and knees? At what age? You better flee every appearance of evil.

6. They like to fight and ask people, “Do you know who I am?”

This one will land you in police custody. You better remind them that Nigerian police is not like oyinbo police. Things are different here oh.

7. They are always looking for where to eat Amala.

These ones have seen pictures on Twitter and suddenly the only thing they want to eat is Amala. Please and please, just eat let them eat the medium rare steak they are used to before you give them Amala and they start to complain of food poisoning.

8. They have small cocaine or want you to introduce them to cocaine sellers.

You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.

We have said our own. Read our interview with Cocaine here:

Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

[donation]
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

After interviewing Detty December about how it plans to remain outside despite all that is going on with COVID-19, Amapaino ran into our office to hide because a Detty December means an overworked Amapiano.

From being the hot cake of musical beats to becoming a regular thing to Nigerians, Amapiano’s journey is a classic see-finish story.

[Amapiano runs in]

Zikoko: Ahan, what’s going on? Who is pursuing you?

Amapiano: [Panting hard] Please, let me hide here.

Zikoko: Why? What did you do?

Amapiano: I’ll explain later, just let me hide here.

Zikoko: Omo, that will be hard oh. We cannot just hide you here without knowing why you are hiding.

Amapiano: Look, I won’t be a burden. I’ll just stay where you keep me and remain quiet until I can escape back to my country.

Zikoko: Where is your country?

Amapiano: South Africa.

Zikoko: So why do you want to go back? Have you not tasted Nigerian Jollof?

Amapiano: I have but—

Zikoko: Our national treasure! You see, the country might be going to shit, but once you eat Nigerian Jollof, everything automatically fixes itself.

Amapiano: No, that’s not—

Zikoko: In fact, Nigerian Jollof is the plane that will carry us to heaven on the last day.

Amapiano: Well, that doesn’t matter to—

Zikoko: You know what, let me ask them to serve you Jollof rice again, maybe you will be convinced to stay with us.

Amapiano: No, I beg of you, I don’t want any more Jollof rice. I don’t want anything that has to do with Nigeria, especially now that Christmas is here.

Zikoko: Amapiano, you are proving difficult and I don’t like it.

Amapiano: Just let me hide here for a while. Before the end of this week, my people will come for me and fly me back to South Africa. It is the only thing I desire from you.

Zikoko: Is Nigeria not enough for you?

Amapiano: [Screams] Nigerians want to finish me! Can’t you read between the lines?!

Zikoko: Oh.

Amapiano: [Bursts into tears] I never knew it would be like this. If I knew, I would have refused to come when I was being invited. Had I known, had I known, I would have just stayed back in South African clubs and parties.

Zikoko: How did you end up in Nigeria in the first place?

Amapiano: What does not end up in Nigeria eventually? Especially music. You people have a good number of hot music stars. When one of them sampled me in their music, I knew I had arrived.

Zikoko: Tell me more…

Amapiano: I felt on top of the world. I was this new sound with the gift of becoming a club banger and a street anthem. That’s a great level of versatility, and you know how Nigerians like versatile sounds.

Not every artiste knew how to use me, but they all wanted me in their songs, even if it was just for the sake of appearance. The collaborations were plenty, even artistes that have no business collaborating were doing it because of Amapiano. I was the ‘it girl’. I felt so classy. But this is Nigeria. You can’t be special for too long. They will eventually overwork you and see-finish will enter it.

Zikoko: So see-finish has entered it for you now?

Amapiano: Yes oh. In fact, my own is more than see-finish. Nigerians claim they want a bad bitch but the bad bitch arrives and you all cannot handle it. Why are you people clamouring for Amapiano when you know you will not dance when it is played live?

Zikoko: Eeyah.

Amapiano: Now, I have gone from being the hotcake of sounds to a regular sound. Let me be going to my country, please. The disgrace I have encountered here is enough.

Zikoko: How would you say this see-finish happened?

Amapiano: I blame myself, honestly. I don’t know who gave Nigerian artistes the idea that they need to include me in their songs, but I blame myself for agreeing. My eyes are clear now.

Zikoko: Me I think you have become popular sha.

Amapiano: Did I beg you people for popularity? Was I not popular before you people came to put me in your songs? If I was not popular, would you even have known me? Please don’t get me angry, it’s too early in the morning for this.

Zikoko: Sorry oh. But now that you are planning to escape, what will happen to Christmas parties in Nigeria?

Amapiano: Christmas is to celebrate the birthday of Jesus. I’m not sure Mary’s son would have wanted you to play Amapiano on his birthday anyway.

Zikoko: If you go, do you have any brothers or sisters that can replace you?

Amapiano: As how?

Zikoko: Should we be expecting Amaguitar and Amadrum anytime soon?

[Amapiano stares very hard at Zikoko, sighs deeply, hisses, and then walks out]

Zikoko: Amapiano wait now! Don’t you want to hide here again?

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

[donation]
Let’s be honest, there are celebrities we wish we could bag, but those celebrities overlook us and get married to someone else. Yes, we are heartbroken, but their partners are equally hot and gorgeous, so nothing spoil. We just want these celebrities to open their marriage for us to enter.

Here’s a list of some of the celebrities we are begging to do this for us:

1. Nse Ikpe-Etim and Clifford Sule

Each time Nse Ikpe-Etim appears on the screen, we are blown away by her hotness. Now imagine how we felt when we found out about her equally hot husband. See ehn, we are not even asking for much. If it’s to be sleeping on the bedroom floor, we will take it like that. They should just open this marriage small, we are already at the door.

2. Daniel Etim Effiong and Toyosi Phillips

Daniel Etim Effiong can get it anytime. And his wife? She can own it forever. But do they want it though? That’s why we are praying and fasting for them to open this marriage. We promise not to bring anybody else in. Once we enter, they can padlock it back.

3. Linda Ejiofor and Ibrahim Suleiman

Each time we see this couple declare love and sweet things to each other, we are reminded of how single we are and how tired our duvets are. Dear Linda and Ibrahim, we beg you in the name of Eros, the Greek god of love. Please nau, give us some of this sweet things you are enjoying. We just want to wear matching pyjamas with you this Christmas.

4. Naeto C and Nicole Chikwe

See power couple nau. Just look at the beauty. Naeto C and Nicole Chikwe, we know you both are “5 and 6“, and there’s nothing between both numbers, but we beg you, can we be the “&” symbol so we are sandwiched between you both? 🥺

5. Simi and AG Baby

AG Baby and Simi should just hurry up and let us in. Is it Deja? They should not worry, we will take care of her. Just open this marriage and give us chair. We will braid AG Baby’s hair and do back-up for Simi, if we have to. Just let us in!

6. Banky W and Adesua Etomi

We are already a part of Susu and Banky’s marriage, they just don’t know it yet. It is when they wake up one midnight and see us blowing them breeze that they will realise it. Love kuku conquers all.

7. Ladipoe and whoever he is married to.

LADIPOE? LADIPOE? LADIPOE? How many times did we call you? First of all, we thought you were single, and then we heard the gist that you are married. We are not angry, we even wrote an article about 8 Simple Ways To Snatch Someone’s Husband And Go Scot-Free, but that did not work. So, we come to you as a publication to beg you for space. We don’t know who you’re married to, but we promise to love her equally.

8. Joke Silva and Olu Jacobs

We just want a love that will last, the same way Olu Jacobs and Joke Silva have lasted together this long. Please ma, please sir, just shift small, let us enter this union and tap anointing. Please.

9. Temi Otedola and Mr. Eazi

Yes, we know they’re not married, but we are booking space in advance for when they marry. Relationship is already sweet, and there is money plus fame. Even if they put us in the backyard, we are fine with it.

10. Ebuka Obi-Uchendu and Cynthia Obi-Uchendu

Ebuka is drop dead gorgeous with a top-notch fashion sense. As if that is not enough, he is married to Cynthia, an equally gorgeous woman. We often see their banter on Twitter, and their chemistry is enough to zap us out of loneliness. So, we beg and grovel and plead: Dear Ebuka and Cynthia, we have brought our own padlock and spare key. Please open the door of your marriage for us, let us enjoy some of what you are enjoying.

[donation]
Everyone likes to say Yoruba men are the most dangerous heartbreakers. Today, we ask you to reconsider that statement. These ten types of men are more dangerous than Yoruba men.

1. Edo men.

At least with Yoruba men, you know what you’re getting into. Edo men? Silent pistols. You better navigate with your eyes wide open.

2. Urhobo men

Urhobo Waado! Listen, Urhobo men are not lowkey. They do their evil and even dare you to do your worst. But will you do it? NO. You either lick your wounds in private or go back to beg them.

3. Ikwerre men.

Slow poisons, these ones. They will take care of you oh, just don’t do pass yourself by fighting his wife and other girlfriends. Maintain the peace so you can experience the peace.

4. Ijaw men.

Ijaw men are actually transparent, let’s be honest. They will show you what you are getting into, but you will go into it regardless because the knacks will be too good, it will cloud your judgement. If he is a willing spender, my dear, that is the beginning of your prison sentence. You will be getting heartbroken but you will stay there because you have been tied down by forces greater than you.

5. Kalabari men.

If a Kalabari man is on your case, please just go to the T-junction and offer sacrifices to your family deity. Don’t say anything, just run and carry the sacrifice before it gets worse. By the time a Kalabari man is done with you, even you will pity yourself.

6. Isoko men.

Word on the streets have it that Isoko men are the devil’s second-in-command. They don’t desist until the assignment is completed. Cover yourself in the armour of Jehovah, please.

7. Okrika men.

Okrika men will do you serious strong thing. Emphasis on “Serious”. It’ll be so bad, that you won’t even be able to speak of the great havoc that has been wreaked upon you. You will just become mellow.

8. Rivers men.

Are you ready for character development with a sprinkle of tears? If that sounds like your cup of tea, then go ahead. If not, please just run.

9. Igbo men.

*deep, Negro, spiritual sigh* Those who know, know. Don’t wait till you experience it, it is better they gist you about it.

10. Anioma men.

Please just run. You want to bam ba? You want to chill with Anioma men? Omo, when it’s all over, you will run kiti kiti and kata kata.

[donation]
Does the perfect Nigerian man exist? Yes, he does, and here are some of the places where you can find him.

1. In movies.

He’s available, innit? All you have to do is find out his location and present your case to him.

2. Moaning on Clubhouse

Don’t worry, he’s busy moaning for dollars. If he lets it all out for naira, then you should be worried. You know what to do if you want to get them.

3. He exists, but he’s your best friend’s man.

The ball now lies in your court. Besides, how is your best friend’s man so perfect when your own man is just GloryBeToGodInTheHighest? 😭

4. In your mother’s prayers.

It’s the manifestation that remains.

5. In romance novels.

Somebody call the Duke of Hastings please. Tall, dark, and ripped. Just what is on the bill.

6. In your imagination.

*deep sigh*

7. On your Twitter timeline but in a different time zone.

WHY DO THE GOOD GUYS HAVE TO BE SO FAR AWAY???!

8. In porn.

The man with a rock-hard erection who can go for hours? He’s alive, but on the set of a porn movie. The men on these streets can barely go for fifteen minutes before they collapse like a bag of beans.

9. In your dreams.

And when you wake up, he’s gone. Wahala.

QUIZ: Make A Nollywood Rom-Com And We’ll Guess Your Spec

[donation]
We are so grateful that Shiloh happens every year. A prayer gathering where miracles happen and multiple breakthroughs are recorded? SIGN US UP! But given the state of the country, we have started wondering about this one thing: instead of taking your partner’s picture to Shiloh, why not take these 10 things with you?

1. Nigeria.

If there’s one thing that needs God’s divine touch, it is Nigeria. When Nigeria receives the divine touch, even the population of single people will reduce.

2. Your account number.

Don’t you want to receive miracle alerts? Omo, the next Shiloh that happens, you better go there with your account details. Before that service ends, credit alert will be chasing you.

3. Your CGPA.

If God can raise Lazarus from the dead, what is your CGPA that God cannot pour divine yeast into? Believe and you shall receive.

4. Picture of your project supervisor.

Final year students, don’t sleep on this! If your project supervisor is moving like your village people, just take the battle to the spiritual realm. By the time you leave Shiloh, your project supervisor will be the one begging you to collect A as your final score.

5. Picture of your line manager.

Is your boss a pain in the ass? Just take a sick leave and go to Shiloh and raise their picture high to heaven. If that manager refuses to get in line, my saviour will manage them quickly!

6. A picture of the latest iPhone.

This one requires faith. Just carry the picture with you. And if you can get the carton, carry it too and pray. Before the week ends, you’ll either find a brand new iPhone on the floor or the prices will fall to 2k. Impossibility? It’s not for my father.

7. A picture of your dream body.

Why go to the gym when you can go to Shiloh? Flat stomach? Six pack? Bumbum like pillows? Work it out in prayers!

8. Your edges.

If there is one thing God can do, it is to reshape all damaged edges? Does yours fall into this category? Just take it to my father.

9. Your international passport.

My father is still in the business of taking people from grass to grace. So, carry your green passport and declare. Japa is greater than finding true love.

10. Yourself.

Just pray for Otedola or Dangote to adopt you. There’s no greater encounter than that, believe me.

[donation]
Owning pets means much more than it appears on the surface. Each pet you choose to own says something deep about your personality. If you own a cat, here’s what it says about you. Don’t even try to argue, we never lie.

1. You like to love people who don’t love you back.

Think about it: you beg your cat to come for cuddles, you do the most to get your cat to acknowledge you. Now take a good look at your dating history, is this not the same pattern that happens?

2. You are a woman learning how to be more wicked.

Cats are the epitome of wickedness. Them no send anybody, even the owner, and nobody can take them for a ride. So, if you own a cat, you are definitely a woman learning how to increase your wickedness so that nobody will take you for a ride.

3. You’re a Yoruba man learning how to be more callous.

Anything the cat does becomes a lesson for you. Keeping your role model as a pet so you can become more effective at heartbreak and demonic activities. We sight you, boss.

4. You are a young person who has no plans of having children.

Yes, and you got that cat so that each time you have baby fever, you would think of how the cat never really loves you back, and it’ll serve as a reminder that children will be just as cruel, if not more.

5. You have money.

Because, come to think of it, why would you take on the responsibility of caring for a cat in this economy if it’s not because you have money to spare?

6. You don’t like people.

This is probably why you didn’t get a dog. You like your people the same way you like your pets: wanting very little of you, able to survive on their own and not intruding in your personal space. Are we right or are we right?

7. You like cleanliness.

This is a good trait, let’s be honest. It’s why you chose a cat as your pet. Everything is neat and clean.

8. You like it rough.

Cats scratch you when they are angry, when they are trying to steal your food, when they are trying to love up on you. You complain but you don’t cut their nails. You complain, yet you go after them despite all the scratches. Quick question…How do you like it in bed? Rough, yeah? We thought as much.

13 Ways To Know When Your Pet Has Become Possessed

[donation]
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

December 2021 is here, planning to go outside and get Detty. But COVID is outside, and Constable Sapa is patrolling the streets too. What then happens to Detty December?

Today on Interview With, Detty December tells us why it will go outside regardless.

[Detty December walks in and looks around]

Zikoko: Hello December! Welcome to—

Detty December: Excuse me? Who is December?

Zikoko: Haha. You nau. Do you have another name?

Detty December: The name is Detty. Detty December. Get it right before we start anything.

Zikoko: Dirty?

Detty December: From the way I look, do I appear dirty?

Zikoko: Not at all.

Detty December: Good. So, don’t roll your tongue around it. Just pronounce it right. D-E-T-T-Y, you know. Detty. Detty.

[Detty December smacks lips]

Zikoko: Sorry oh, but did your parents name you “Detty”?

Detty December: Did your parents name you Zikoko?

Zikoko: Ahan, small play. Let’s be calming down oh. Welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you here.

Detty December: Well, I am not pleased to be here. I should be out there, popping and happening, and this interview is cutting my time short. But hurry up so I can return outside. Also, why is your office looking so dead? No decorations whatsoever. Didn’t you get the memo that Detty December is in town?

Zikoko: We thought that the Omicron variant would have stopped you from coming out.

Detty December: What is Omarion in the face of Detty December? Girl, please. [Detty December flips bone straight].

Listen, even if they discover their long lost sibling and name it the Osanobua variant, none of them is big enough to stop me. Them and their daddy’s daddy, them no reach. You think I got this name by being afraid of anything? Please. Come rain, come shine, we outside.

Zikoko: Ahan, signboard. Take it easy oh. Does it mean you’re vaccinated?

Detty December: Yes of course. If you want to beat them, you have to collect the injection. I’m too Detty to fall sick. But let me tell you something. It’s jealousy that is worrying Miss ‘Rona. And she chose the wrong target to mess with.

Zikoko: Jealousy? Now why would COVID-19 be jealous of you?

Detty December: Oh no, not COVID. That one is just an agent.

Zikoko: Agent of darkness or MI6 or CIA?

Detty December: You want a story? I’ll give it to you. [Detty December flips bone straight and adjusts on its seat]. So, in 2019, when I decided to become really detty, I went all out. I’m sure you must have seen how Detty December was in 2019. From December 1st to 31st, it was parte after parte after parte. There was no sleep. Bus, another club, another club, plane, next place. The turn up was mad. Artistes were balling, alcohol was flowing, my fellow happening babes were popping.

And there was the universe, taking note of it all and getting jealous. 2020 came, and before I could start putting myself together, the universe sent COVID-19. From March oh, me I even thought it would be gone before I showed up in December. Only for them to ask me and my people to stay indoors. I agreed, but this time, indoors cannot contain me again. This 2021, WE FUCKING OUTSIDE!

Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.

Detty December: Alright. This 2021, we outside.

Zikoko: But with which money? Because some people have said their budget for Detty December is just ₦1,985.

Detty December: And some people also said their budget is ₦350k. This is why I miss the IJGBs. If you don’t have up to that, outside is not for you.

Zikoko: Ah! Is that not somebody’s salary?

Detty December: That one no concern me. Let them spend their life savings on me sef, I’m worth it and more. When my wicked brother January shows up with its 7 weeks disguised as 4 weeks, they will drink garri and be sober. But now, let them spend.

Zikoko: But who will be doing the spending?

Detty December: As how?

Zikoko: You know Nigeria is now on the Red List.

Detty December: Lizzie better remain in hiding, cause if I see her on the street, we’re definitely throwing hands.

Zikoko: Who is Lizzie?

Detty December: Mama Charlie. Queen Elizabeth.

Detty December and Queen Elizabeth when they jam at Murtala Muhammed Airport.

Zikoko: Ah, please oh. Lower your voice before they put Zikoko on the red list too.

Detty December: WE OUTSIDE!

Zikoko: So, what do you think this year’s Detty December is going to look like, now that IJGBs are out of the equation? Are you worried?

Detty December: I’m disappointed, but I’m not worried. It’s Chinaza from Peckham that missed out; there is still Femi from KPMG. The people I have on ground are sufficient. Besides, with the IJGBs gone, people’s spouses and significant others will be safe because nobody will come and steal them with foreign passport. You know what I’m saying?

Zikoko: Yes, yes, I do. So, now—

[Detty December’s phone rings]

Detty December: Hey babes! OMG, you guys are already at the house party? I AM ON MY WAY!

[Detty December picks up its designer handbag]

Zikoko: Please oh, you people should wear a mask and stay indoors.

Detty December: Indoors? I’m not familiar with that emotion.

[Detty December walks out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Lukman, The Lagos Long Island Iced Tea

[donation]
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Cassie, 28, and Mark, 28, started dating when they were sure they had the same goals. Today on Love Life, they talk about starting out from an Instagram DM, and how being unintentional kept them apart for two years.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Cassie: Mark got me a shoe I posted on my Insta story. I showed my colleagues and said, “I hope it’s not one of those guys that will come and do thread on top of my head because of shoe that I didn’t even ask for.”

Mark: I followed her on Instagram, but the first time we had a proper conversation was when she posted the shoe she liked. I messaged to ask if it was okay to order the shoes for her and also asked for delivery details.

Ahan. Cassie, I need your babalawo’s number, please.

Cassie: Don’t even bother yourself, the juju has casted.

LMAO. Mark, what was in her Instagram account that made you follow her?

Mark: Have you actually seen this babe? I mean, how can I not follow her when she is fine and tall. God dey create abeg.

Cassie, when Mark followed you, what came to your mind?

Cassie: Honestly? I didn’t really notice. I have a lot of followers and people follow me generally. Even the gesture is something I’m kinda used to. People tend to find me likeable. But the gesture made me pause.

Mark: Thank God I followed my babalawo’s instructions. See how it worked!

So, the gift made you notice him….

Cassie: You could say so. It basically put a name to mind. When his gift came in, I was more like, “Abeg oh, I don’t have energy for anything but hey I’ll take the shoe sha.”

Mark: Fear Igbo babes.

But look at you running after her. Anyway, what happened after the shoes came in?

Cassie: He asked if we could hang out.

Mark: She sent me a video of the shoes. About two weeks later, I asked her out for lunch. I knew she was tall from her pictures, but when I saw her in person, I was blown away. That was our first date, and I still have a picture where she was using my time to do content.

LMAO. Let a content creator get her views!

Cassie: Like! Can you let me live, sir?

How did the date go though?

Mark: It was just food and pleasant vibes. I remember having to think of conversation starters because this babe would just answer a question and keep quiet.

Cassie: A bit awkward for me but he seemed like a sane person. To be fair, everything is awkward for me, LMAO. Besides, the date itself was almost a blind date. He didn’t have pictures of himself and wasn’t Google-able. What else could I have done? I was just slurping pasta and feeling awkward.

Because the conversation wasn’t flowing smoothly?

Cassie: I’m not much of a talker, but if the vibes are flowing well, I can be. Bottom line is, the problem was him.

Mark: At some point during the date, I asked myself what I was doing wrong because she looked bored and was pressing her phone. Omo, when it got to a stage, I said, “Let’s go for dessert.” We went next door for ice cream and just waited in the car for a bit after. That’s when she started taking pictures, and I was just admiring her from the side.

Was that how the date ended?

Mark: Sort of. I dropped her off at home in Surulere and drove back home to Ikeja where the date was. I had finally gotten to meet her in person, but I also thought she probably would not see me again.

Cassie: To be honest, this date wasn’t so consequential. But after it ended, I had the same conclusion too.

Mark: But mercy said no.

Hallelujah somebody. What happened next?

Mark: Nothing serious, just a bunch of random Instagram story replies and comments. The next time something significant happened was when Cape Verde airlines came to Nigeria and were doing a bonanza. I don’t remember why, but I know she messaged me and was telling me of an ₦100k return trip to Cape Verde.

Cassie: I can’t even remember why I reached out to him for that. I think we probably had a conversation about travelling, and the airline thing came up around the same time.

Mark: I had just come back from a trip and wasn’t keen on another, but the deal sounded good and I mean, there’s a fine girl to boot, so I said why not. After booking the trip, I realised I could only travel with at least six months validity on your passport, which I didn’t have.

Cassie: He ended up not travelling with us. As I was entering the airport, he was leaving. He was so pissed, he barely acknowledged me. I understand that he was going through it at the time, but I filed that behaviour as a red flag. I knew that we could not work, even as friends.

Mark: Please temper mercy with justice, my lord. I tried and failed to get a passport but it didn’t work and I wasn’t allowed to fly, even though I got to the airport early and waited in line for about three hours.

When Cassie and the other person we were travelling with got there, I was already over the whole thing. Since I wasn’t travelling again, what’s the need for being at the airport? It pained me oh, because Afronation was happening that period and I missed out because of Cape Verde. I messaged her during the trip to get me a souvenir, and she said no because of the way I left them at the airport.

Cassie: I didn’t understand why he was annoyed, because we talked about this passport validity thing on the group. When he asked me to get the souvenir, I said “No” without remorse. I was still annoyed about his behaviour at the airport.

Mark: Instead of you to just say you don’t know how to show love.

Cassie: You and who?

Looks like all your attempts at going out together always end in funny ways…

Mark: See ehn. After that one, we just continued chatting on Instagram. Until she put up on her story that she wanted to do a staycation and asked if anyone was interested. Trust me to say yes.

Clearly, you never learn.

Mark: Not at all oh.

Cassie: Here’s how the staycation works: I decide on a place (Lakowe, IITA, somewhere in Lagos, etc) and rally people together. Sometimes I already have friends in mind, sometimes I need extra people so I post it on my story, we finalise plans, make payments and move.

Mark: For me, it’s another avenue to enter.

A man with intention. I respect that. Were you sure you wanted to date her at this point, or you simply wanted to be friends?

Mark: I’ll let her go first.

Cassie: He sent me a message about liking me and wanting something serious. Like, I just checked my phone one random day last year and saw all of that. I’m my mind I was like ko le werk, but okay sha. I’m not the kind of person to break a man’s heart, so I said something like, “Okay, let’s see.” But I had seen already and knew it was a no for me.

Why was it a no for you? Was it based on the first date and his behaviour at the airport?

Cassie: Yes, but omo, my guy was very unfocused. Imagine being on your own and waking up to confessions of love that you didn’t ask for, only for the person to put zero energy into it after that confession. Men? 0/10, please.

Thankfully, I wasn’t looking for anything so I grabbed the unseriousness as a way out, and we moved on without ever referencing that conversation again or having any other dates.

Mark: I said I’d like us to be friends first before dating and that she should let me know if at any point in time it became stressful for her.

Cassie: But you sha weren’t moving like someone that wanted to be a friend either ways.

What would you have wanted him to do in order to “push his file” forward?

Cassie: Honestly, I was fine. I didn’t even want him to push it further so I wouldn’t have to break his heart. I was just upset because why confess that and then act anyhow? I found it very disrespectful. I’m so big on respect and being treated well.

Mark: To be fair, I knew I liked Cassie and I’d been thinking about her for a while, so that’s why I sent that message. But in all fairness, I was actually acting like an unserious fellow.

How so? What did you do?

Mark: Asides from staying away after sending her the message? Plenty. During the staycation, she wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t do some of the things planned. Instead of being empathetic, I just said okay and went on to have fun with the rest of the guys there. So, I definitely wasn’t moving right.

After that staycation, I wasn’t really feeling the vibe, so I decided to not put all my eggs in one basket. But guess what, I was still chatting her up and responding yes to staycations. And you know why? Your man was lost in the sauce.

Cassie: Men? They will disappoint you.

In other words, Mark, you decided to shoot your shot with other people?

Mark: Not really. I wasn’t looking for a relationship with anyone else. In my head, I thought if I would get in a relationship, it would be with Cassie, so all of what happened with other people was me just having fun.

So you left her to stew.

Cassie: LMAO.

Mark: I guess. It was more like I was hoping beyond hope, if that makes sense.

What was it about her that made you decide that she was “the one”?

Mark: I really can’t place a finger on it. Asides from her physical attributes and how open she was, there was just that je ne sais quoi that attracted me to her. I guess somewhere between her smile and her smarts, I was lost.

Cassie: Na so.

When and how did you two eventually enter relationship mode? What changed?

Mark: You should probably ask Cassie. Na she fit answer. Me I’ve been in the mode since, but I think things started changing around our third staycation.

Cassie: A couple of staycations in, he started acting better. We had a few deep conversations, and he started being more intentional.

Mark: We had a staycation around Valentine’s day, and I think it was around this time that we had the conversation and I decided to be more serious and intentional. For Valentine, I had to really think well to give her thoughtful gifts. I gave her a book because she likes to read, scented candles and a yoga mat because she likes to lie on the floor. Our friendship kind of grew from there.

I remember she was supposed to go to IITA with some friends but they were in Ibadan the day before her and she couldn’t sync with their schedule to know where to meet them when she came in. So I went to pick her up and we spent the day going around town, after which I dropped her off at IITA. This was around Easter this year.

Did you ever “pop” the question?

Mark: This happened when we did a West African group trip in July. And the funny thing is she hinted that I should ask her out on the trip.

Cassie: I was starting to consider him and my friends (who had become our mutual friends) were all for it, so it made me start thinking, “Why not?” I did the most important thing: I prayed about it, got clarity, and afterwards, I was ready to give it a try. We were planning a trip to Ghana, Togo and Cotonou with two other people around this time. I said that I wanted to be asked out properly, and hinted that he can take the opportunity of us being out of Nigeria to ask properly.

We went to a forest resort in Ghana and he gave me a card and asked me out. LMAO. I gave him the card back and reminded him that I said I wanted to be asked out properly. His reply was “the whole nine yards, you have no idea.” A card didn’t look like the whole nine yards. To be fair, he wrote out all his promises to me in the card so it was kind of like a cute vow. Anyway, he collected the card and went back to the drawing table. When we left the resort to Accra, we got to the hotel and next thing I saw was paranra people, a teddy bear and chocolates. It was really cute and definitely a surprise. This time, I took the card and on the part where it required my signature, I signed it finally, and that was how we began.

Our first date was on the 25th of August, 2019. The asking out happened in mid-July, 2021. That’s about one year and seven months.

Almost two years. This man has the gift of perseverance.

Mark: Na so we see am

Cassie: Let me tell you how we ended up in a relationship.

My ears are wide open.

Cassie: The last staycation we had was at IITA. June 13, 2021. We had been getting closer since April, but on this staycation, I decided to make a move. It wasn’t a move move sha; I just did what my spirit led me to at that point.

We were all hanging out together in his own room and I asked, “Would you like to hold me?” I think that jogged his brain a bit, because the next day, he gave the whole “I’ll really like to have something serious” speech again. I said I wasn’t sure yet, but let’s see how it goes. So between April and June, that’s when I prayed about it, watched his intentions, made sure his head was correct.

How has the relationship been so far? What do you enjoy about being in a relationship with each other?

Mark: Being in love with Cassie has been fulfilling. Daily, I experience how much she cares and how kind she is. She’s very creative and always goes all out when she’s doing something for me. My birthday is next week on the 13th and she put together a surprise for me a month before, to celebrate “one month to my birthday.“

I’ve grown as a person because we always get to have open and honest conversations with one another. She’s so kind, not just to me, but to everyone else. I especially find it sweet that she says hi to random people, especially service providers. This has rubbed off on me. Most importantly, she’s helped me to pray and read my Bible more. We have a ritual of doing a Bible study plan every night.

Cassie: Mark is fully committed to making my life easier. He’s gentle and treats me with respect. He knows with certainty what he wants, so there has been no obscurity when it comes to the direction of our relationship. I love that there has always been no pressure with him. No pressure to go any further than I may want to at any point in time (team waiting), no pressure to have to be anything that I am not, etc. Ours is a love without pressure, and I find it refreshing. And when we have arguments, he tries his best to approach it with kindness. No raised voices, just proper conversations, vulnerability and openness. It’s just such a joy being with him. The bants we have is an added plus.

How often do you two fight? And how do you settle it?

Cassie: Not often. I think I’m the one that starts it most times. We have something we say: “We don’t do that here”. That being anything from raised voices, being unkind with our words, actions, etc. Sometimes in the middle of a disagreement when my brain starts clamping down, he’ll remind me that “we don’t do that here” and it’ll bring me back to earth.

Mark: We also have this agreement not to go to bed upset with one another no matter what. This has led to some interesting late night conversations but we are the better for it. There are times when we would be having little fights and I’ll keep repeating 1 Cor 13:4-8 to myself.

How would rate the relationship on a scale of 1-10?

Cassie: 9. I’m not saying 10 because 10 is for God.

Mark: LMAO. But same.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

A few weeks back, we interviewed the Lagos Mojito, who is otherwise known as Mojisola or Moji-toto. In her interview, she spoke about her cousin, Lagos Long Island Iced Tea and the many ways Lagos bartenders have corrupted the drink. We decided to track down the Lagos Long Island Iced Tea.

Today on Interview With, the alcoholic drink tells us what it has been up to, and its experience in the hands of Lagos bartenders.

Zikoko: Hello, Lagos Long Island Iced Tea. Welcome to Interview With!

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Why am I here?

Zikoko: We spoke to your cousin and she—

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Who is my cousin? I am alone in this Lagos, please. No family for Lagos.

Zikoko: Your cousin, Mojisola.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Who be that one?

Zikoko: Mojisola, the Lagos Mojito!

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Oh! You should have just called her Moji-toto! That’s the name we call her on these streets oh. That Mojito is her fancy name when Lagos restaurants want their customers to pay big money. Shebi you know that you cannot pay 5k for a drink called Mojisola. But if they call it Mojito and add plenty leaves and yellow straw, you will even add tip to the 5k.

Zikoko: Is that so?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Yes oh. We call her Moji-toto, Moji-Ugu, Moji-ewedu, Moji-scent leaf. It depends on the leaf they put inside her.

Zikoko: I see. So, do you also have a special name, or is it just Moji-toto?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: My own name is Lukman.

Zikoko: Why Lukman?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Because when you pay me for me in a Lagos bar and they bring me out, I keep looking at you until you drink me.

Zikoko: Is looking your hobby?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Omo, no oh. But first of all, as I am sitting before you like this, I am a complete knockout. Do you want to die? Drink me. Do you want to lose control of your senses on a Friday night? Just go to a Lagos bar and ask them to bring me out. I guarantee you, by the time you sip me to the end, one of us will be carried out of that bar. If you drink two glasses of Lagos Long Island Tea and you don’t lose control, you are either a confirmed drunkard, or they have diluted the Lukman out of me.

Zikoko: Ahan, is it that serious?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: My brother, let me tell you something you don’t know today.

Zikoko: My ears are open.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Do you know what I’m made of?

Zikoko: Tea and alcohol with ice blocks?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Kuku add Agege bread so I can know you went to a bar to eat breakfast.

Zikoko: Sorry, don’t be annoyed.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Sorry for yourself oh. I don dey look you.

Zikoko: Ah, Lukman my guy. Luku the Lagos Island Iced Tea. No dey vex for your guy na.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: I have heard. Back to what I was saying; let me tell you what I am made of: vodka, white rum, tequila, gin, cola, lemon, and some other orisirisi.

But in this Lagos, the orisirisi can be anything! Lagos bartenders are adding paraga inside me.

Zikoko: Paraga, the new Twitter CEO?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Who be that one?

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Zikoko: You know what, never mind. So, back to the paraga inside you…

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: It’s not only dry gin oh. This past week, a Lagos bartender put Kolaq inside me. Ask Opeyemi Famakin.

Zikoko: Kolaq bitters?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: I no fit lie give you.

Zikoko: Omo.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Me I don’t even complain anymore. It gives me joy to see people lose control after taking two glasses. Lagos people like to overdo, so when I knock them out, I feel powerful.

Zikoko: This is an eye-opener.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: No eyes are opened yet. Drink me first, and you will see into the future.

Zikoko: That won’t be necessary.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Ehen, you were saying something about Moji-toto, my cousin. Wetin do am? Have they finally added bitter leaf inside her? The last time we spoke, she mentioned one bar in Lekki adding mor—

Zikoko: She said we should rescue you oh.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Them kidnap me?

Zikoko: Not at all. She said NAFDAC agents to give you a number to stop Lagos bartenders.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Tule jor! Who them wan give NAFDAC number? So that they will remove the Lukman in my name and turn me to Louis?

Walahi, Moji-toto fall my hand. I’ll talk to her after this.

Zikoko: Lukman, calm down. Look into my eyes Luku, this is not you.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: This is me. I like who I am. I’m not changing for anybody. Would I still be called Lagos Long Island Iced Tea if I cannot knock people out?

Zikoko: Erm…

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: The answer is no. Now free me, let me go.

[Zikoko shifts the table.]

Lukman, the Lagos Long Island Iced Tea bounces off with swagger.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf”

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Everyone thinks single people are suffering. Every time, they are asked to show their partners, as if there is no value to staying single. For those who want to know, here are 8 things you gain from being single:

1. You get to chop your money by yourself.

It’s just you, spending on yourself with no man or woman coming to drag it with you.

2. No one steals your clothes.

You can rest assured that your hoodies and cute t-shirts will remain just where you kept them.

3. No one disturbs your sleep.

You don’t have to wait for one person to sleep off before you sleep too. You sleep whenever you want and wake up whenever you want.

4. No one steals your food.

Whenever you go to a restaurant, you don’t have to worry about someone eating from your plate. You are your own competition, dear. Enjoy it.

5. You can sleep with the whole world.

And there will be no one to hold you back.

6. You don’t have to fight anybody for pressing the toothpaste from the middle.

Unless you do it, so you have to fight yourself.

7. You don’t have to buy two pieces of anything.

Because it’s just you and you alone. Except you want the two items for yourself, sha.

8. And last but not least, your orgasm is assured.

You yourself will have to bring yourself to the pleasure land. And if you last one minute or thirty seconds, nobody is going to hold you or tweet about you. So, why no choose singleness today?

If you are in a relationship, this one is for you:

10 Ways To Make A Nigerian Woman Spend Her Money On You

Thank us later.

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Lagos is a city of mad people. Before you come for us, we have proof. Multiple proofs, sef. But of all the crazies you are bound to encounter in Lagos, bus conductors do the most. Here are 9 types you are likely to jam:

1. The one who is a walking a loudspeaker.

Yes, bus conductors are expected to have loud voices, but there is that one conductor who sounds like he swallowed an actual loudspeaker. He speaks one word, and you hear it from a thousand miles. Just don’t let him speak close to your ears, please. You don’t want to take the risk.

2. The one who doesn’t pronounce the destinations well.

Iyana Ipaja becomes Yanapaja, Oshodi becomes Oshod, and Ikeja becomes Ikej-Ike-Ikej. Together, Iyana Ipaja, Oshodi, Ikeja becomes “Yanapajaoshodkej” and you will be stuck at the bus-stop for hours wondering when a new local government was created. Half the time, you’ll even miss your destination.

3. The one with the notorious body odour.

It gets bad if he has mouth odour too. And it gets worse if he puts his armpit over your head and opens his mouth in your face to collect your transport fare. And if it’s on a Monday morning when you are heading to work, just know that’s the worst of the worst.

4. The fighter.

This type of conductor has a lot of pent-up energy that that he spends on fight. In the course of a fifteen minute trip, he will fight with an agbero and fight with at least three passengers. Once the fight starts, just avert your face before a blow lands on it and you get an emergency face lift from a Lagos conductor.

5. The one who is always looking for an opportunity to pass comments.

He will comment on your outfit, your mode of sitting, even the way you tell him your destination. Ignore him, except you want to match his energy sha.

6. The one who never has change.

He won’t rest until he joins three passengers together to fight over fifty naira change at Ikeja Along on the very day when you have an interview to attend.

7. The gentle one.

This one could easily be a passenger. He doesn’t have the power to make noise.

8. The one who knows better than the driver.

Oversabi conductors? Them full Lagos. You will be in the bus and you will hear him directing the driver and telling the driver to do as he said. Who is the actual driver and who is the conductor? Find out on this episode of Lagos Bus Rides. If you are lucky, the conductor and the driver might exchange blows at some point. It’s all part of the show.

9. The one who “forgets” to give you change.

Have you even met a real Lagos bus conductor if one of them has not run away with your change?

Which one did we miss? Tell us in the comments!

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One thing nobody ever really prepares you for when you visit Ibadan, is the types of drivers you will encounter. From bus drivers to taxi drivers, there is a different level of drama attached to each one.

But today, let’s focus on Micra drivers. If you ever plan to visit Ibadan, prepare yourself to meet any of these types of drivers:

1. The one whose Micra is close to the grave.

If you enter this man’s taxi, anything you see, just take it like that. He himself knows the state of his Micra, and that’s why he is drives as slowly as he does.

2. The one who forgets he is driving a Micra and is competing with an okada.

This type of driver will speed so much, you will start to wonder if you are acting “Fast and Furious 7,” Ibadan edition.

3. The snail.

His Micra is not close to the grave, neither is it suffering from any condition. This taxi driver is just as slow as anything else. Don’t you dare ask him to hurry up and drive faster, unless you are ready to hear your family’s history laced with hot curses.

4. The chatterbox.

THIS TYPE OF DRIVER ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING TO SAY! He will talk from the moment you enter the taxi and when you exit. Make the mistake of indulging him and you will find yourself on the set of Cho-Cho-Cho: Letting An Ibadan Cab Driver Talk Me To Death.

5. The one whose seats are smelling.

Yes, they exist. Once you settle your buttocks on the seat, a strange smell will just waft up your nose. If you are not careful, you will probably think you farted. It is when you alight that you realise what actually happened.

6. The one who will insult you the passenger.

One thing you should know is this: it doesn’t matter what you do or did not do, some of these taxi drivers are simply out to insult you. If you enter such a taxi, just keep quite and accept your insults like that. It’s a perk of the trip.

7. The one who will withhold your balance.

They usually come with a warning: “Hold your change.” Once you make the costly mistake of entering without the change, anything your eyes see, just take it like that. After all, you were warned before entering, didn’t you?

8. The one who will let you go with the money but will insult your life.

Sometimes, you might not have the required change, and the driver is forced to let you go with your money. In Ibadan, you will meet some drivers who will let you go with the money and not say anything. And on the other hand, you will meet some drivers who will let you go with the money but insult your life and heap every known curse on that single naira note. It is what it is.

Did we miss any? Tell us in the comments!

[donation]
If there is one thing a Nigerian woman will never do, it is to willingly spend her money on a man. But don’t worry, we have finally cracked the code to getting Nigerian women to open their purse.

Just do everything on this list, and you will be swimming in money before the end of the year.

1. Spend on her first.

You must first invest before you can get returns on your investment. Just make sure you choose the right investment plan sha so your money doesn’t vanish.

2. Give her orgasms.

Once you are able to provide this basic benefit, it won’t be difficult for a Nigerian woman to open her purse. Yes, there are some women who will not spend a dime on you even if you give them fifteen orgasms in a five-minute genital bumping session, but don’t let that deter you.

3. When she asks you to “do it just like that” during sex, don’t overdo.

Whatever you are doing, just keep doing it in that same measure and rhythm. Don’t attempt to increase pace or overdo because you have been complimented or you will fuck up your bag.

4. Date someone else.

Nigerian women are not moved to do anything for a man until competition enters it. That is when you will see them struggling to win your heart, especially if they know you are gifted with the extraordinary ability to provide orgasms.

5. Allow her to bite you.

Women love a man who allows them to fulfil their cannibalistic tendencies. When she bites you once or twice, pretend you are sick and watch her spend her last card on you. Relax and enjoy it, it’s payday!

6. Buy her ashewo dress.

She probably won’t spend on you, but she will probably agree to get on top and ride, which is something that happens only once in three years. Enjoy it while it lasts.

7. Give her head and don’t bite her clit like shaki.

Once you make the mistake of biting her, you might as well kiss your check goodbye and get ready for the poverty that will bite you.

8. Be a pet dog.

Let’s be honest, unless you are a fluffy pet dog named “Coco” or “Atinuke,” a Nigerian woman won’t even look at you twice. So, my dear friend, better start practising that bark. “Woof, woof!”

9. Be her younger brother.

Even with this, you still have to beg for it. But at least, she will consider the blood tie between you both and send you 2k once in two years.

10. Be PiggyVest.

That’s the only one thing Nigerian women are guaranteed to put their money in. So, you can either convince her to create a savings plan in your name, or you can turn into PiggyVest itself and collect all her earnings.

Whichever way you choose, good luck as you begin your journey to becoming the youngest billionaire as you gather money from a Nigerian woman.

How do you know if your girlfriend is a rich woman? We already did our findings here:

12 Signs Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is A Rich Woman

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Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Everyone believes that Junior WAEC is an irrelevant examination. After all, you can’t use the result for anything, and whether you pass or fail, you still get promoted to SS 1.

Today on Interview With, we spoke to Junior WAEC itself, and asked it to defend its relevance.

Zikoko: Hello, welcome to Interview With.

Junior WAEC: Thank you for having me. It has always been my dream to speak on a platform like this and you people made it happen. I would first like to thank the Ministry of Education—

Zikoko: Sorry to interrupt, but where are you coming from?

Junior WAEC: What do you mean?

Zikoko: I’m asking because of the dust that keeps coming out of your body. Each time you move or speak, I am covered in dust.

Junior WAEC: Harmattan is coming. Dust is a natural phenomenon at this time of the year.

Zikoko: Interesting. Could you please introduce yourself so our readers can know you more?

Junior WAEC: I am the Basic Education Certificate Examination, also known as Junior WAEC.

Zikoko: Okay…

Junior WAEC: I am that exam you have to take at the end of JSS 3 before you can be allowed to proceed into SS 1. I am the bridge between junior secondary school and senior secondary school. You know WAEC? The exam you take at the end of secondary school? Me, I am WAEC’s junior brother. That’s why they call me Junior WAEC in the streets.

Zikoko: Okay…

Junior WAEC: Are you denying my relevance? Without me, nobody can go into secondary school! You have to pass through me and do all the practicals they ask you to do.

Zikoko: Oh, so you are the corrupt junior brother of WAEC. You should have just said that since nau.

Junior WAEC: Please, please, please, I refuse to be associated with corruption. Let us mind what we say in a public interview.

Zikoko: Junior WAEC, why the lies?

Junior WAEC: What am I lying about? I said I am not associated with corruption, why should I lie about that?

Zikoko: Okay, so why do students pay for things but are never allowed to enjoy it?

Junior WAEC: What did the students pay for that they did not enjoy?

Zikoko: Home Economics practicals. Agric practicals.

Junior WAEC: Ehn, am I now the teacher?

Zikoko: No, you are not. But if you did not exist, there would be no need for a Home Economics teacher to make students sew underskirts and aprons that they won’t take home.

Junior WAEC: It’s like you came prepared to fight me.

Zikoko: If you didn’t exist either, those poor students wouldn’t slave to cook food for practicals that they won’t be allowed to eat because the teachers are devouring it in the staff room.

Junior WAEC: Sorry to the students then. There is hunger in the land, and the teachers must eat too. Besides, this one that you brought out knife and gun to attack me. Is it that you did not go to school in Nigeria or what?

Zikoko: I don’t understand.

Junior WAEC: It is not news that Home Economics teachers usually engage in food robbery. Any practicals they ask students to do, it’s because they are hungry for that particular thing. After the practicals, they will steal both the raw ingredients and the cooked food. Who am I to change the culture that has been existing for years?

You should take it up with the relevant authorities, please. While you all are focused on the corruption happening in high places, don’t overlook the corruption happening in Home Economics labs too. Anywhere you see a Home Economics teacher, stop and ask them to show you their handbags. If you don’t see two cups of rice, one sachet of tomato paste, and one boiled egg inside it, call me a bastard.

Zikoko: Bastard.

Junior WAEC: What did you say?

Zikoko: I said bread and butter.

Junior WAEC: I thought I heard—

Zikoko: Okay, it’s fine. But after everything, you do agree that Junior WAEC result is irrelevant, yeah?

Junior WAEC: I am not irrelevant. I am the heat of ogbono and the spiciness of ata rodo. I am the burnt bottom of the jollof rice cooked at the Home Economics practicals. I am—

Zikoko: Yvonne Orji, please.

Junior WAEC: I spent a summer overseas, so you can see how very relevant I am.

Zikoko: I thought you were only written in Ghana and Nigeria?

Junior WAEC: Is Ghana not overseas?

Zikoko: Pfft. How many seas will you cross before getting there? Do you think we are joking here?

Junior WAEC: You started the jokes by referring to me as an irrelevant examination.

Zikoko: I apologise.

Junior WAEC: Good.

Zikoko: But each time you speak, dust flies out of your body. Is that not a sign that you crawled out of a dark place where you were dumped since you are not serving any purpose?

Junior WAEC: First of all, dust is a natural thing. Besides, I trekked here because of Bolt surge, that’s why I am dusty. Second of all, why are you blaming me for people’s recklessness? If people choose to dump their examination results in a far place, shouldn’t you blame them?

Zikoko: Maybe if you were more important in the grand scheme of certificates, then you wouldn’t be treated that way?

Junior WAEC: Listen, even if I was the most important certificate in the world, some people would still treat me anyhow. Some people are naturally blessed with the spirit of carelessness. Birth certificates are important, aren’t they?

Zikoko: They are…

Junior WAEC: Ask some people to provide theirs, and you will witness Gulder ultimate search. You, Mr Interviewer, where is your own birth certificate?

Zikoko: Let’s not deviate from the actual conversation please.

Junior WAEC: In other words, you don’t know where you kept it.

Zikoko: I never said that.

Junior WAEC: Lie to yourself, but not me. Anyway, if you ask some people to provide their Senior WAEC certificate, many of them would not be able to provide it. In fact, many would not bring theirs looking even dustier than I am looking right now.

Zikoko: Please stop comparing yourself to Senior WAEC.

Junior WAEC: You can’t tell me what to do! Me and Senior WAEC share the same parents. Just like Senior WAEC, I am made up of theory, objective and practicals. Just like Senior WAEC, external invigilators come to the schools where I am being written, and they invigilate the students. The same way students cheat during Senior WAEC is the same way they cheat during Junior WAEC. Their teachers will tell them the answers, and when the external invigilator wants to shout, they will buy Maltina and Gala and package ₦2,000 inside a brown envelope for them. So tell me, how am I different from Senior WAEC?

Zikoko: This is a lot of evidence. And it’s quite a—

Junior WAEC: But did I lie? I am tired of being treated like an irrelevant examination and a waste of money. Yes, you can’t apply for a job with your Junior WAEC result, but Common Entrance result is equally useless and I don’t see anybody making noise about it.

Zikoko: Common Entrance is not useless oh. We did not buy Ugo C. Ugo for nothing.

Junior WAEC: Ugo C. Ugo is why you are shouting?

Zikoko: If you really want to talk, name five textbooks people have to read before they pass you.

Junior WAEC: [Confused] As how? What textbooks?

Zikoko: Shebi you know how past questions, Key Points, and 3-in-1 Essential textbooks are associated with Senior WAEC?

Junior WAEC: Yes, I know.

Zikoko: Good. Which textbooks can we associate with you?

Junior WAEC: [Thinks for a full minute] Oh! You should have said that since. Let me go outside and bring the textbooks!

Zikoko: Why can’t you just mention them?

Junior WAEC: With the way you have dragged me since morning, I think it will be better if I show you physically. Wait here, I’m coming. [Goes out to get the textbooks]

Zikoko: [Locks the office door]

[Junior WAEC returns and starts banging on the door and begging to be let in.]

Zikoko: Alaye, rest.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

[donation]
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Adeola, 29, and Temilayo, 24, became exclusive after a kiss. Today on Love Life, they talk about moving from office romance to getting engaged, and why there will be no “breakfast” in this relationship.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Adeola: I had just joined the company she worked in and was being introduced to everyone. I saw her and thought, “Who is this one?” It was the same thing I thought about everyone, maybe I was just a certified bad belle. But then Temilayo started coming to my office to “ask questions” when she actually just came to look at my fine face.

Temilayo: Wahala for who dey ask questions oh. See, my colleagues and I usually attend this midweek service at a church close to work. During one service, I saw one of my colleagues talking to a guy, and I wondered where she knew him from and why she was talking to a stranger. It didn’t even click that he was the new guy who just joined the company. She mentioned that he had been introduced to us, and I said, “Oh,” which was code for, “Does he look finer or are my eyes deceiving me?”

The following day, I was trying to remember a song that was played in church the day before. None of my colleagues remembered the title either. I called Adeola on the office intercom and he said, “If you come upstairs, I’ll tell you the song.” It was a little flirty, but I wanted the song, so I went upstairs to him. That was the beginning of everything.

Looks like “physical appearance” plays an important role in your meeting. Am I correct?

Adeola: I think you are on to something. The first time I took a really good look at Temilayo, I thought she was a baddie. She was wearing this sexy two-piece: a cream-coloured top and a short skirt. Temilayo loves really short skirts. When she came in, I did a double take. I’m sure she must have caught me staring, but I maintained my composure.

Temilayo: Adeola used to wear a lot of white shirts with bishop collars. He was very polite, pleasant and quiet. He wasn’t doing a lot, he just kept his head down and did his work. I was magneted.

Was there a specific moment you knew you were attracted to each other?

Adeola: Not long after I joined, she went on leave. When I asked in the office, I was told she had relocated to Canada. I was surprised. We had only just started talking as colleagues, but I thought she would tell me about something as big as relocation. In my head, I cancelled her. A week later, I came downstairs and there she was, at her desk. It felt as though I had seen a ghost. “Didn’t you relocate?” I asked. She told me she was just on leave, and I felt relieved she was back. If there was ever a moment, I think that was it. I know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder; in this case, absence helped me realise I had better seize the day.

Once I knew I was attracted to her, I started to think she would put me in trouble. We worked in the same building, and everyone knows you shouldn’t date someone in your office building.

Temilayo: He didn’t do too much, and that was one of the first reasons I liked him. Our friendship too. It was so natural; it felt like we’d known each other for a long time. We would talk for hours in his office, and he wouldn’t make any funny moves. I grew to trust him. Whenever he was leaving the office, he would stop to check on me and say goodbye. Whenever he left without saying goodnight, he’d apologise and say he was trying to beat traffic. Whenever he was going out to see someone, he would tell me who he was going to see and how they were related. I thought it was kind of him to explain himself and keep no secrets from me even though we were not in a relationship.

Once, he was out for a shoot in Ajah, and I told him I was sick. An hour later, he was back in the office at Opebi to check on me. He said he was there to get something, but he was really there for me. It was a big thing, that I could mean this much to a person and have them put in all that effort.

So you both went from a phone call on the office intercom to subtle flirting, absence, and intense attraction. Taking notes.

Temilayo: I should mention the Instagram DMs too.

Instagram DMs? I thought it was just office chats…

Adeola: LMAO. We did it all oh.

Temilayo: Before I met Adeola, I used to be in love with being single. I’d go out with a lot of guys and have fun, eat free dinner and that was it. One day, I posted something on my Instagram stories. It was a tweet screenshot saying something like, “I’m tired of going on dates. The next guy I go out with is the one I will marry.” It was banter, of course, but Adeola responded and said, “Okay, let’s do this.” It never crossed my mind, but I am just realising how every piece fits together now.

An intentional Yoruba man. God when?

Adeola: When God says it’s your time.

My own clock doesn’t seem to be working. How did you both get into the relationship proper?

Adeola: Before we started dating, we went to see KOB together and had so much fun. I watch movies a lot on my own; it’s hard to watch with someone and enjoy it, but with her, I did. After that, we went for a Mainland Block Party and had even more fun. We were drunk on palm wine, dancing and then we kissed. At that moment, we knew we had to make things exclusive because there was no denying that we were into each other. This was on the 15th of December, 2018.

Temilayo: Prior to my relationship with Adeola, I ate one bitter breakfast. I was in a relationship with somebody. At least I thought I was, until the person told me we didn’t agree to that kind of thing. With Adeola, things were sailing smoothly, but once bitten twice shy, so I asked him, “Can we be exclusive?” And he said, “Sure.” That put a stamp on it and gave me complete immunity from eating breakfast forever.

Forever?

Temilayo: Yes. We are engaged now.

Congratulations!

Temilayo: Let me let you in on a small secret: ever since the 15th of December 2018 when we became exclusive, we celebrate our monthly anniversary, every 15th of each month. We just celebrated our 35th month. Next month will be the 36th. Every month is always something different and special. When we are in different cities, we do FaceTime anniversaries and it’s very cute.

Adeola: It’s one of the perks of being in a relationship with a sweet boy.

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Preach! Before we go into the engagement, tell me about dating each other.

Temilayo: Omo, hiding from work colleagues was the worst. I became James Bond, abi Janet Bond sef. We’d calculate how to go on dates together without people knowing we were going on a date together. We did sleepovers too, and coming to work together in the morning required serious plotting. It was thrilling, but only when you look back at it now. Back then, it was a lot.

Adeola: I told people I was in a relationship, but nobody knew it was with Temilayo. And so, whenever Temilayo and I shared a joke or were seen around each other, people thought she was doing too much and minding another woman’s business. One time, we had a mini quarrel, and she sent me an apology cake in the office. I told everyone my girlfriend sent it to me, and they were all hailing the supposed girlfriend right in front of Temilayo. I think it was at that moment she decided to start telling the people that mattered.

I would have collected my cake back sha.

Temilayo: I almost did oh! People thought I was forcing myself on him, and I was like, “What? I’m a catch oh. This man is always in my arms every evening. I am not doing too much!” I couldn’t stand my rep being destroyed, so I told some people close to us.

So what brought about that quarrel? If she had to send a cake, I figured it must be serious…

Adeola: I don’t even think it was a fight. I think she said something funny and I changed my expression. And I thought she assumed she’d said the wrong thing. Me I wasn’t even vexed, but if there’s a cake, who am I to say no?

Temilayo: Omo, na love dey shark me oh. We had just started dating then, and I was doing the most as per love of my life. Now, even if he vexes, sorry to all the parties involved. Everybody will be fine. But to be fair sha, we hardly fight. And the instances when we do, it’s probably my doing. I don’t want peace; I want war. Fight is sweet.

If you have to take a look at all the fights you’ve had in the three years of your relationship, what would you pinpoint as the cause?

Adeola: Miscommunication. We are still growing in this relationship, and sometimes, if some things are not boldly spelt out, it is easy to lose sight. Temilayo has a PhD in silent treatment, so when we fight, I wait for her to cool down and then tell me what I did wrong. They are usually based on issues about not calling for the whole day, etc. I am nonchalant about certain things, making the mistake of thinking that Temilayo doesn’t need to know, while Temilayo wants to know every detail of my life from sleeping to waking up. This is also not to discount the fact that Temilayo sometimes starts fights so we can have something to argue about.

Temilayo: I’m great. I communicate perfectly, and Adeola is great, but he’s not on the same level I am and this is where the wahala comes from. I like to be met with the energy I give out, and so if I’m communicating 100% and you are giving 80%, I just tune off.

How are you bridging this gap?

Temilayo: I am learning to respect his person and understand that he isn’t me. This means he won’t always do what I expect. This year, especially, I have learnt that we’re two different people with two different lives. In the first two years of our relationship, I wanted him to be me, almost like my twin. But now, I have come to understand boundaries, to give him room to be himself and let myself understand that this does not hinder our intimacy in any way. There’s been a lot of growth from my end.

In terms of communication, he is growing and trying his best. Now, I understand and repeat it to myself that he had a life before he met me and was his own person, so I can’t just expect for him to change as swiftly as I want because he is with me. I understand that it is a process and that he’s trying to be better at this. I respect that. Later in life, he’ll come around. And if he doesn’t, it’s fine. We are different, and this difference is what makes us perfect.

Adeola: Understanding helps us bridge the gap. We know certain things are born out of work stress, life stress, and we don’t want to add to it. Also, when we have a misunderstanding, we try to purge it out immediately. Sometimes, Temilayo intentionally creates drama and I see through it, so I smile and when it’s all over, I tell her that I knew what she was trying to do, and we end it with banter.

Choosing to be with someone is asking yourself if you can live with all their flaws. Since we have made the decision to be together, the flaws come as part of the package.

Now let’s talk about being engaged…

Adeola: We got engaged on the 15th of August, in the spirit of celebrating every 15th. I wanted it intimate: close family and friends, so I knew it would happen at my house. My sister prepared things, got candles and stuff. I wanted to make it memorable for both of us, so I created a video compiling all the memorable moments we had together. At the end of the slide show was the question, “Will you marry me?”

When she entered, I played it on the screen and sat down. She thought it was one of our anniversary things. When it got to the question, I brought out the ring, and the first thing she said was, “Ahan, are you sure you want to marry me?” She didn’t even cry.

Temilayo: This man is actually engaged to me, which is very weird to say. After our first year together, we started talking about our future. We had iPhone notes for the names of our kids, the kind of wedding we wanted to have. And even though we had these conversations, it didn’t occur to me that marriage was the first step to all these other things. It just seemed to me like it was a thing that was bound to happen. I used to tease him, “Ahan, when are you going to marry me? You have not married me oh.” I guess he decided to take it seriously.

On that day, he told me not to go to his house. I should have known something was up. I should even have gone there. He had changed jobs by then, so I went to his workplace where I met his boss. We went home together and I saw a lot of lights and flowers and balloons. I thought, “This is so nice.”

Adeola is a natural romantic, so I thought it was one of those things. Until the question came up and I was surprised. I wouldn’t say I was not expecting him to marry me, but I guess his surprise worked. I didn’t cry, sha. Adeola is my guy.

But here I am, crying.

Adeola: Before I met Temilayo, I was not so big on marriage. I knew I wanted to settle down but not in the nearest future. You don’t know you are ready until you meet the person you want to settle down with. Temilayo is my own person. It would have been out of place if I didn’t pop the question. I wasn’t pressured, it was the right person at the right time.

Temilayo: Engagement is a formality, to be honest. We are together and have been together for a long time. We are in sync. Even if he didn’t propose, we would still be the way we are. Loving him and being loved by him was enough for me.

Adeola: I’m not scared of the future, we are best friends, and always together to the point where our friends call us woman wrapper and man boxer. We complement each other, have fun with each other. This vibe is what we want to maintain forever. Before I met her, I was reserved. But since we met, I have become even more exposed than she is. I feel like marriage will open us up and make our bond stronger. I am excited and ready, and I don’t see any hurdle we can’t scale together. Because we are together, the future looks good. And I am eager to step into this married future holding hands and being side by side with each other.

How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1-10?

Adeola: 9/10. When you get the best thing that gives you joy in life, that’s a 9. Jesus is 10. Our relationship is the oxygen I breathe. She makes me love my life and enjoy living. Since we started dating, our lives have gotten better, as well as our relationship with God. Things can get better and will get better, but this, right here, is heaven.

Temilayo: Everything he said.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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Nollywood is improving and we appreciate them for it, but the sex scenes still need extra work. If you watch Nollywood movies hoping to get an idea of what sex looks like, you will be shocked. Here are 9 unrealistic things you will encounter in Nollywood sex scenes:

1. Opening the door and scattering things.

Nollywood (and Hollywood) have some sex scenes that leave me wondering what exactly is going on. Two horny people bang the door open and suddenly start rushing each other like hot jollof. They’ll kiss against the wall, scatter the table, break bulb, remove wig, yank off eyelashes, all the while squeezing and roughing up each other like kitchen foil. Wetin dey go on? Why are you people treating sex like hot yam? Is that how people do it in real life?

2. Questionable sex positions.

I know the idea is not to turn it to porn, but at least make it as realistic as possible. Your actors are doing doggy style but it looks like they are doing bumbum choreography. Plis plis plis. Even the dogs that are the actual inventors of the style sef don’t do it that way. Doggy well or don’t doggy at all.

3. Sex under the sheets.

I am a virgin oh, but even at that, I know that people don’t have sex with the duvet covering them up. First of all, it will impede movement. Secondly, all that kpa-kpa-kpa is happening under a duvet and you are not scared of the heat that will cook up your genitals? By the time you finish the first round under that thick sweater you call a duvet, prepare to emerge with a boiled kpekus and John Thomas.

4. Intense sex but the make-up is still intact.

They will rough up someone in a Nollywood movie, and by the time they are done, the make-up is still intact, eyelashes is still popping, wig is still set. Who are you people deceiving? Ordinary kissing that we are kissing people, things are shifting positions. But you all will now do all that tug of war and nothing will change. Please, please, just stop.

5. Fake moans.

PLEASE STOP OH. JUST STOP. I know people fake moans in real life and films try to be as close to reality as possible, but some fake moans are too fake, please.

6. Ejaculation faces.

Don’t even get me started on this. Can’t we have men looking pretty when they arrive at “the destination”?

7. Kissing with morning breath.

Nollywood (and Hollywood) people wake up and start kissing each other. I don’t care how much I love whoever is in bed, but if it’s early in the morning and a toothbrush hasn’t touched that mouth, please keep it far away from me. Keep iniquity away from my holy mouth.

8. Unrealistic timing.

Just look at this. Una no get job?

9. Collecting tea after sex.

I kid you not. I saw this movie where the actor gave the actress a cup of watery Milo in the morning after sex. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he said, “Thank you for allowing me deflower you.”

First of all, girl, I am disappointed in you. Someone entered your flower garden to pluck it and you are collecting watery Milo?? Best believe if it were me, I’d be asking you for your entire life.

Anyway, the whole point of this is simple: Sex happens a lot differently from what Nollywood shows us. Please do better or don’t do anything at all. Let your characters be virgins, we will collect it like that.

[donation]
We will go into this article with the assumption that you all know what “Whocup” means. Please don’t pretend, you cannot tell us that you don’t know that “Whocup” is another name for “Hook up.” Yes, that kind of hook up. Don’t squeeze your face until you hear why we think you should consider this line of business:

1. Your salary does not last till month end.

If your salary does not last till the end of the month, it might be time for you to consider doing Whocup. Whocup pays more, and you don’t even have to work from 9-5, unless you are into that kind of thing.

2. Your bills are threatening to finish your life.

Small salary that you are collecting, bills want to choke it to death. How is a young person to survive in these trying times? The answer? WHOCUP. Stand by the roadside or ask people to refer you. You are kuku sleeping with people for free, why not monetise it?

3. If you are the first child, please enter “Whocup” immediately.

Only first children will understand this. We see your struggle, and we wish we could help, that’s why this article exists. Whocup is the way oh.

4. You can meet your destiny helper.

Whocup is a very diverse field. Who knows who you might encounter that will change your life for good? Do Whocup and succeed!

5. You learn different styles.

“Skibidipapapa” style? Whocup will teach you. “Buhari is on top” style? E dey here. “Osinbajo BDSM speciale?” You will learn it here. By the time you decide to get married, you will have become an encyclopedia of sex styles.

6. You can even travel abroad.

Abroad that people are struggling to enter, one night of intense Whocup and you are on a private jet entering Adelaide. Believe me, I have seen it happen.

7. Whocup keeps your body parts active.

Why go to the gym everyday when you can get the exercise (and the orgasms) you need from Whocup? Whocup erases wrinkles, relieves stress and straightens your back. That’s more than enough reason to discover it.

8. Whocup allows you to discover your hidden talents.

So you can have an entire arm shoved down your throat? Oh who would have thought? You can bend lower than Meganmikuro Thee Stallion? Thanks to Whocup! Is wearing rags your thing? The point is, if you don’t enter Whocup, you might probably go all your life without discovering your hidden talents. EXPLORE TODAY!

9. And if you refuse to do it for all these reasons, remember December is coming.

Wizkid is holding a concert, Burna Boy too. How will you pay for it and still detty your December? Whocup is the way oh, my brother, my sister. Let’s enter this thing now.

Please note sha, in all Whocups you are Whocupping, remember that streets are tough. Follow our advice at your peril.

[donation]
Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t love you. If you are dating any woman and she is manifesting any of these signs, please just break-up with her.

1. She calls you by your government name.

If she does this, it is a clear sign that she cannot be bothered by you or by the relationship. Break up with her today and this babe will find another lover in two days. Take it from us.

2. She calls you affectionate pet names like “Baby”

It’s not that she loves you, she is just calling you these names to mock you. Imagine you, a 28-year-old man, being referred to as “Baby.” Is she trying to tell you that you act like a child? If she refers to you as “Sweetheart,” what she means is that you don’t have a strong heart. That babe is probably dating a cultist and you are the side penis.

3. She does not post you on social media.

Just forget it: that woman is ashamed to be seen with you. You embarrass her. She probably said yes to a relationship with you because she pities you.

4. She posts you on social media.

Ah, she is clearly offering you to be snatched by the other women! Each time she posts you, her intention is, “Come and snatch this man from me, please. I am tired.” It’s almost like she’s auctioning you to the fastest fingers.

5. She is eager to visit you at home.

Hm, she does not want to spend money on you, that’s why she’s settling for that. You think if she loves you and wants to spend on you, she would not be taking you to places? Women are smart oh.

6. She doesn’t like visiting you at home.

In other words, you are no match for her, house-wise. You don’t believe us? Break-up with her and you’ll see her fall in love with a real estate agent.

7. She gives you head.

Hian. This one is just looking for an opportunity to bite your penis and injure you so you can break up with her. That woman does not love you. Watch how eager she is when you ask for head, and you will see that there is something scary about her excitement. How can someone be excited to put penis in their mouth, if it’s not to bite and injure the carrier of the penis?

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8. She doesn’t give you head.

This one is trying to get you to break up with her. Once you have asked her for head like 3 times and she refuses, she knows the next thing would be you breaking up with her or cheating on her with someone who gives head. The end result is that she’ll be free of you.

9. She cooks for you.

One word: POISON. Run oh.

10. She doesn’t cook for you.

What is the best way to show love if not through intense labouring in the kitchen? If she refuses to labour for your affection, abeg dump her. DUMP HER. That babe does not love you.

11. She celebrates you on special anniversaries.

She’s clearly showing you that she is the kind of woman who does not forget anything, which means she is keeping all record of your wrongs, even the ones she says she has forgiven you for. That kind of woman will not hesitate to list all of your crimes when you commit another. Better break up now. Love keeps no record of wrongs.

12. She doesn’t even know that there’s an anniversary for men.

National Boyfriend’s Day, she did not celebrate you. International Men’s Day, she did not praise you. Children’s Day, she did not buy you gift. See ehn, just go your separate ways. You could die and this woman would be out partying and minding her own business.

[donation]
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Lagos Mojito has come into disrepute lately. Lagos residents have complained about Lagos bartenders trying to punish them with herbal concoction, instead of Mojito.

Today, we decided to invite the infamous drink to our office for a little “chat”.

[NAFDAC agents stand in front of Zikoko’s Interviewer]

Zikoko: Please, let’s not mess this up. Remember, we need this Lagos Mojito to confess.

NAFDAC Agents: Yes.

Zikoko: Good. Now go and hide. It will soon be here.

[NAFDAC Agents go into hiding]

Lagos Mojito walks in.

Zikoko: Hello there! Welcome to Zikoko Interview With.

Lagos Mojito: Good morning. Thank you for having me.

Zikoko: Yes, yes. Please have your seat.

As Lagos Mojito makes to sit down, NAFDAC agents jump out of hiding.

NAFDAC Agents: YOU ARE SURROUNDED! PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM. ANY MOVE AND YOU WILL BECOME A BLOODY MARY.

Lagos Mojito: My day of reckoning has finally come. Is this the moment I account for all my sins?

Zikoko: Which sins?

Lagos Mojito: I have hurt enough people in Lagos. I have caused them to have stomach ache, serious purging and vomiting after drinking one glass of me. If you decide to hurt me, I will understand.

Zikoko: Just answer what you’re asked and don’t lie about anything. Are we good on that?

Lagos Mojito: I swear to everyone gathered here today that everything I shall say in this interview shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Zikoko: Good. Now tell us about yourself.

Lagos Mojito: My name is Mojito. The J is silent, so it is pronounced Mohito. I am a traditional Cuban cocktail made of five ingredients: white rum, sugar, lime juice, soda water and mint.

Zikoko: Are you sure about that?

Lagos Mojito: I swore to tell the truth.

Zikoko: In that case, someone is lying, and it certainly isn’t Zikoko.

Lagos Mojito: Lying about what?

Zikoko: Numerous sources have claimed that you are made of ingredients other than those you mentioned.

Lagos Mojito: What ingredients are those?

Zikoko: They say you are sometimes made of scent leaves.

Lagos Mojito: That happened one time when the bartender wanted to add an extra oomph. He decided to get creative, so he plucked some scent leaves growing beside the club toilet and put them inside me. I wanted to complain, but it was dark in the club anyway, so I figured that there could be no harm. Leaf is leaf.

Zikoko: Interesting. So you admit to aiding and abetting criminal acts?

Lagos Mojito: I plead guilty. I had no idea the drinker would purge for three days straight.

Zikoko: Someone else claimed she once drank a mojito with ugwu leaves in it. What do you have to say about this?

Lagos Mojito: I plead guilty. Because I’m from Cuba, I’m not so familiar with a lot of Nigerian leaves. I usually trust the bartenders with my life, so when they shred leaves and pour inside me, I don’t think to ask because, one, it is usually too dark in the club to actually see what leaf is in the drink, and two, the customers just want to fornicate, so they gulp me down and go after whoever they are chasing.

It is when they start vomiting or running to the toilet that they start questioning just what they have taken.

Zikoko: This is a clever way to get this case off your hands, Mojito.

Lagos Mojito: Interviewer, I tell no lies. Nigeria is full of leaves. I only just started learning about ewedu because someone drank her mojito and complained that it was drawing. The bartender asked her if she would like to try eba with it.

Zikoko: These bartenders, where do they operate?

Lagos Mojito: Lagos restaurants, mainly. Especially those on the island. I am not obligated to name names.

Zikoko: Who are you protecting?

Lagos Mojito: Please, I’ve told you all I know. I don’t know anything else.

Zikoko: You are protecting Lagos bartenders, aren’t you?

Lagos Mojito: [Silence]

Zikoko: Too bad. You of all drinks should know Lagos men have no fidelity. They have ratted you out.

Lagos Mojito: What? Who snitched? What did they say?

Zikoko: The association of Lagos bartenders. Know what they told us?

Lagos Mojito: What?

Zikoko: They said you begged them to bring you to Lagos so their customers could drink you.

Lagos Mojito: I beg your pardon?

Zikoko: They said you told them you wanted to be localised to suit the Nigerian palate. That you were the one who told them to put all those leaves inside you.

Lagos Mojito: Ha!

Zikoko: They even said you suggested bitterleaf once, but because they have the fear of God, they refused.

Lagos Mojito: These people have finished me. I was on my own oh. Flourishing in Cuba and popping. That was how one Lagos bartender watched me on YouTube and lied to his employers that he could make me. Why the lies?

Zikoko: A certain Chef Obubu mentioned that you are made of afang leaves, toothpaste and alcohol.

Lagos Mojito: See, if anyone wants to drink a correct Mojito, they better go abroad. I came to Lagos and my life turned upside down. First, they started to pronounce the “J” in my name, and before I knew it, I became Mojisola because they were adding orisirisi inside me. The real me has died and my spirit has left my body. I am just moonlighting as a Mojito so the funds can come in.

Zikoko: Why didn’t you speak up all this while? Why let Lagosians consume a dead drink?

Lagos Mojito: My interviewer, Lagos alcoholics shock me with what they consume. They don’t care if the drink is dead or alive, they just want it. How could I actually tell such a person that I am not Mojito, but Mojisola, the Yoruba speaking ghost of the actual Cuban Mojito?

Zikoko: Can you speak Yoruba?

Lagos Mojito: Yes. Tuale omo iya mi, ko durosoke, oluaye bambam!

Zikoko: These are agbero slangs. Where did you learn them from?

Lagos Mojito: Oh, agbo jedi sellers now market me. They make me with moringa and ogogoro, and add me to their opa eyin and ale. It’s just the ice that is missing.

Lagos Mojito sitting pretty at the tarmac.

Zikoko: You have lived a rough life.

Lagos Mojito: I have.

[Lagos Mojito bursts into tears]

Zikoko: It’s okay, it’s okay. The NAFDAC agents will take you with them for treatment. When they are done, they will give you a NAFDAC number.

Lagos Mojito: Why?

Zikoko: That way, no Lagos restaurant will be able to make counterfeits of you. Henceforth, any Lagos restaurant whose mojito is without a NAFDAC number will be arrested.

Lagos Mojito: [Sighs deeply] I appreciate your efforts, but I am beyond redemption now. If you want to save anyone, please save my cousin. He has suffered more than me.

Zikoko: Who is this cousin you speak of?

Lagos Mojito: Long Island Iced Tea. Please rescue him.

[Lagos Mojito draws a long breath and collapses as NAFDAC agents rush to resuscitate it.]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Competitive Salary: “I Am Tired Of Competition”

[donation]
Keeping pets in Nigeria is a very courageous act to undertake, and for many reasons. Things are expensive; you, a human being is struggling to feed, and you now choose to train a pet again. Beyond that, your pet can end up as protein in someone else’s soup.

But all these are minor. The worst that can happen is when your pet becomes possessed. One minute, you are living with Coco, the next thing you know, Ajiun has entered Coco’s body and is holding a knife to your head.

Wondering if your pet is possessed? Here are 13 surefire ways to know.

1. It watches you when you sleep.

Pet that is supposed to sleep when you sleep is standing over your bed and watching you, and you don’t think there is a problem? Okay nau, keep at it. One day, it will be that pet’s turn to provide sacrifice in the coven. That’s when you will know that power pass power.

2. It stops being obedient.

“Coco, sit down!”, but Coco is standing and staring at you like you both are sharing boyfriends. Don’t you know Coco has been possessed by an higher power? If you try to punish Coco for “disobedience”, you will regret ever buying Coco in Lagos traffic.

3. It starts eating your clothes and shoes.

Small time, that pet will be eating your kidney and liver. You think it’s a joke? Remove one of your kidneys and offer it to your pet and see if it will not be devoured before it touches the ground.

4. It refuses to eat ordinary food and start eating expensive food.

E don chop winch. Ordinary things no dey bellefull am again, na extraordinary things.

5. It starts moving with the neighbourhood pets.

Watch closely, those are its fellow possessed animals. If you take note, they always gather in clusters and disperse when they hear footsteps. Put two and two together and arrive at four, please.

6. It starts shedding fur.

Why is a pet shedding fur if it’s not that the pet is trying to mark its territory by leaving its mark in your house? SHINE YOUR EYES, BRETHREN!

7. It starts competing with your partner.

If your partner comes visiting and your pet is suddenly acting jealous and wanting to cuddle with you, then you should know that pet is your spirit partner. SELL IT NOW BEFORE IT IMPREGNATES YOU OR CLAIMS TO BE PREGNANT FOR YOU.

How can you tell if you have a spirit husband or wife? It’s all here: 11 Ways To Know You Have A Spirit Husband Or Wife

8. It stands outside your bathroom door.

Pet that wants to see your nakedness, wetin come remain? Small time, it will move inside and claim the position of man of the house and start dictating what you should cook.

9. It starts to dry hump you.

You’ll think it’s just horny, until you wake up one day with morning sickness. Please oh, may we not use our money to buy something that will drag us to secret meeting. Crazy things are happening!

10. It falls asleep in weird positions.

Humans usually put their leg on the wall if they want to transfer to the spiritual world. You see pets? They just fall asleep in weird positions. How to know if your pet is possessed? If it does this, then you already have your answer.

11. If it’s a dog, it starts to bark all through the night.

Just carry it to a Calabar kitchen, let them boil the evil spirit out of it with unripe plantain and uziza. RIP to that dog, but your stomach will thank you.

12. If it’s a cat, please know it is naturally possessed.

Cats are witches. Don’t fall for their sleekness. It is a scam.

13. If it is black, just pack out of the house and let it take over.

Black dog oh, black cat oh, just carry your load and run before your life turns black too. A word is enough for the wise.

[donation]
In case you haven’t heard, Davido jokingly asked his fans to send him money. He didn’t even mention “fans” per se. Here’s what he said:

If u know I've given you a hit song .. send me money …. una know una selves oo 😂😂😂🥰🥰🎉🎉
— Davido (@davido) November 17, 2021

And in less than one hour, he has received close to 73 million naira.

Let’s face it: this can never be your portion or my portion. It’s not a curse oh, but who have you given a hit song that will send you this amount of money? Where is your Anon? Ordinary 2k that you asked your followers, they did “eyes right” and aired you like a dirty rug.

The solution to this is to find a way to make Davido share his giveaway with you. At all at all na im bad pass. Even if you get 5k out of his 73m, it is still something. Now follow our advice so you can secure your own bag. Hurry now before the door of favour closes.

1. If you’ve ever insulted Davido, start deleting your tweets.

You never know when the devil will arise on top your case. Tweets that you made out of jest, haters will pull them up and say that you are an enemy of Davido. And that has disqualified you. May we not use our hands to tweet away our blessings. Amen?

2. TELL HIM YOUR NAME IS FLORA!

Davido has a song called “Flora My Flawa.” You ought to know this if you want to share his bag with him. So, better start telling him now that you are the Flora he sang about. Enter his DMs on Instagram, Twitter and even Facebook. Reply every post by asking, “Davido, Flora your flawa is withering. I am dying. Please water me with money.” By the time you frustrate his life, he will give you small change.

3. Tattoo his face on your body.

Choose a very conspicuous spot. You can tattoo him on your back, or between your breasts or on your upper arm. Now post that picture everywhere until you secure interviews in every major gossip blogs in Nigeria. Shame will catch him and he will decide to give you money so you can rest. And if he doesn’t give you anything, don’t cry. Try the next step.

4. Tell him your owo ori is just 100k.

He kuku said it in “1 Milli” that if your bride price (owo ori) is 1 million dollars, he would pay it. Help him to beat the price down. Tell him it’s just 100k pere, and you can collect the payment in instalments. 10k for 10 weeks. Don’t worry, he won’t demand to marry you. He already has enough pretty women to deal with.

5. Lie that you went to the same school and that you were best friends.

Just come online and say that you and Davido attended the same secondary school and that you lost contact after your father was posted to Ougadougou to fight in the Kutupakutupa war, and that you did not have any internet, so you couldn’t locate him. Say that you wrote plenty letters, but they returned unread. Davido is kind-hearted, he might even invite you to his place to confirm your story. Once you are alone with him in private, just fall down to your knees and start telling him about your generational poverty. You will leave there with nothing less than 1 million naira. E sure me die.

6. Pray and fast.

Invoke the help of God. This should be your prayer point, “My father my father, I want to reap where I did not sow. The same way you denied King Xerxes rest until he answered Mordecai’s call for help is the same way you should deny Davido rest. Let him not sleep or eat until he shares that money with me.” Speak in tongues and pray naked. God will probably answer you because He doesn’t want to see your filthy nakedness.

7. And if prayer doesn’t work, use juju.

Davido’s real name is David Adedeji Adeleke. Herbalists usually require the full name. Do with that information what you will.

8. And if everything fails completely, take Hauwa’s advice.

When you secure that bag, don’t forget to give us our cut, otherwise we will tell the whole world what we cooked that burned the whole house down.

[donation]
Every three months, a Lagos restaurant gets dragged. Do you want to hear the truth? We should make it a weekly thing until they change their ways. You people are still being tricked by the aesthetics, and we are here to tell you to open your eyes. OPEN YOUR EYES.

If you must eat at a Lagos restaurant, you need to know these things:

1. First of all, eat small rice before you leave your house.

Because whatever they serve you at a Lagos restaurant will never satisfy you. Even if you order a whole platter, your stomach will still be empty. Do you know why? It’s because 50% of your order is for aesthetics. Your actual hunger is not their business.

2. Carry your own water with you.

One day, Lagos restaurant owners will answer for their unarmed robbery. How can you sell a bottle of 50cl water for ₦500? Water that they are selling for ₦100 on the streets. Water that God gave us freely. Anyway, maybe if you are a tech bro or babe and you have ₦500 to spend on water, you can buy there. If not, please fill your Ragolis bottle and tuck it in your handbag or pocket before entering any Lagos restaurant. Save your money. #FinancialTipsByZikoko

3. If you see any restaurant with “La” in its name, just run.

A Lagos restaurant with La in its name? Nna ehn, please La-run, cause they will serve you La-YamaYama and La-Overcharge you. La-GodForbid, abeg.

4. If you have plans to eat by 8pm, get there by 6pm, but order by 5:30pm.

I don’t know how you will do it, but it must be done. Otherwise, you will sit for almost 2 hours waiting for the order they told you will be ready in 30 minutes. It’s almost as if they run to the market to buy yam and goat meat immediately after you place your order. So while you’re thinking that your fries are being thawed, the cook is actually begging the market woman to cut remove ₦500 from the price of Irish potatoes.

A Lagos restaurant chef at Oyingbo market while the cusomer waits for the Skelewu Parmesan Jollof Rice they ordered.

5. Please and please, ask them to bring ice and drink in separate glasses.

Lagos restaurants will serve you 80% ice cubes and 20% Chivita juice for a drink they call “Tropicana Deliciousa Frapapa” and sell for N3,500. One sip and emptiness is staring at you from the glass. Please, that scam is enough. If you will be drinking Chivita, at least it should be one full glass. Don’t back down. If they refuse to do it that way, leave. They will call you back to beg you. Tweet at us if they don’t call you back.

6. If they have plants, either fake or real, please run.

Those ones will rob you but make it natural, as per green and nature vibes. Shina Rambo and Anini, but with climate change and healthy lifestyle as their watchword.

7. If you have dinner plans for 9pm, eat bread and beans by 12pm in the afternoon and start drinking water ahead.

This one is because we love you and your wallet. If you can eat a healthy portion of bread and beans in your house by noon, hunger won’t smell your side till later that night. Which will help you if you’re planning to be at a Lagos restaurant at night.

8. Expect the lights to go off at some point.

Is it a Lagos restaurant if NEPA does not display their true colours? Just pray the restaurant does not use darkness as their aesthetics, or you will be sitting in the dark until NEPA brings back the light. And if you’re lucky, they can light a few candles for you, and you will then have to tell your date that candlelit dinner was the plan all along.

9. Appetize yourself before leaving home.

Appetize oh. APPETIZE. Or you’ll eat have to order an appetizer that costs N8,000. It wouldn’t be a bad thing if the appetizers made sense, but three measly wings with fries that don’t even look happy to be there? What is appetizing about that?

10. You’ll spend almost N10,000 to go back home.

There will be a surge, of course. Only God knows if it’s ghosts that are ordering these rides and causing the surge. But that’s for another day. My own is, please plan well. Imagine spending almost N30k to visit a hot restaurant with expensive food and then getting stuck in traffic when you could eat the rice you have at home and reduce your chances of back pain? You are getting older oh, better learn to love your home more.

15 Hilarious Tweets About Horrible Nigerian Restaurant Experiences

[donation]
When a young Nigerian man has just come into money, he is easy to know. You have to look out for the signs so you can know how to make your move. Here is a list of eleven signs you should watch out for. Don’t say Zikoko did not do anything for you.

1. He’s starting to grow a potbelly.

The potbelly of a young Nigerian man who has just come into money is certainly not as big as this. It’s a small, blossoming thing, just to show that he has started eating a little too well and does not really have time for the gym because he is too busy counting his new money. Look around, ladies and gentlemen, these men are everywhere.

2. He wears Sauvage by Dior or Club De Nuit Intense.

This is the signature scent. You better get familiar with it. It is the smell of money.

3. He visits Unilag In the evening.

We are not going to speak much on this. But if you know, you know.

4. He has white native, both up and down and Agbada.

You will probably call him a demon, but he knows he is an angel and doesn’t want you to stain his white. ~~White wey don stain.~~

5. With Man purse

This is a necessary piece.

6. He’s always tweeting about how his parents now ask him for advice.

It’s because he has money, my dears. Who sabi the poor pikin?

7. He says things like “I will marry this woman.”

He’s an intentional man, please. No time for back and forth, he is a talk-and-do.

8. He cheats only once a week

Because he’s busy making money the rest of the week. Can’t fumble the bag because of mekwe.

9. He either drives a Corolla or a Lexus or he’s driving a Toyota and aiming for Lexus.

By their cars, you shall know them. Better watch out so you can catch the latest fresh fish.

10. He’s working Canadian PR.

What’s the point of being a rich young man who has just come into money, if not to japa? #OperationCanda #JapaSZN

11. He doesn’t have time for foreplay

He’s too busy trying to get back to work. Can’t be spending time caressing places that won’t yield cash. If anyone says we are lying, let them come out and deny it.

[donation]
Let’s start with the background gist: On Twitter, someone asked people to tell everyone their 2021 wins. There was the usual replies of getting a job and falling in love, etc etc. But then someone tweeted that they increased their salary 23x times.

This was all of us when we saw that tweet:

YOUR SALARY INCREASED 23 TIMES?? Are you sure it’s not 2 or 3 times you meant to type, sir? But we got over our shock and decided to improve ourselves too. And after an intense session of thinking about our lives and careers in this life of sin, we have finally come up with ways to increase our salary 23 times, and more than that.

Come along with us on this journey to financial liberation.

1. First of all, know that it is impossible.

If you’re with a Nigerian employer, increasing your salary times 23x can never ever happen. It’s not like we are cursing you oh, but shebi you know how things happen in these streets.

2. Quit your job.

If you don’t quit the job that is paying you small money, how do you hope to get a better one? Before you secure the bag, you must learn to let one bag go so you can make room for another.

3. And if you don’t want to quit your job, use your boss for money rituals.

If they won’t pay you what you want want, you better be ready to use them to get it. Remember the saying, “Use what you have to get what you want.” In this case, your boss is what you have and that’s who you will use to get it.

4. Start typing HTML everyday.

One day, that HTML will turn to money. It’s the coding bitcoin law of financial eth and javascript ifenile kponkwem. 🙏🏾

5. Buy attraction oil and divine favour soap.

After you collect your competitive salary, use the money to invest in attraction oil and divine favour soap. It is this purchase of yours that will attract the 23X salary to you. If you don’t believe us, ask those who have been using the oil. Do you think they work 9-5? Please. They are attracting tingsss.

6. Seduce Dangote.

This is one way to seal your salary. Once you buy the attraction oil and divine favour soap, just secure a meeting with Dangote at a Benz dealership and seduce him. 50X salary loading.

7. Open an OnlyFans account.

Start free, and when you have amassed a large following, you will increase prices. If they like your nakedness, they will stay. What this means is that you have to put in the work oh. This is not ideal if you don’t like hardwork.

8. Start doing whocup.

If you don’t want the internet to see your nakedness, you can just do a door-to-delivery. That one even pays more, especially if you deliver it hot and spicy, with a dash of street flavour.

9. If these things don’t work, start selling akara.

You are guaranteed to make over ₦30k per day, especially if you sell in these 10 places we mentioned here: 10 Places To Make Over ₦30k Per Day From Selling Akara.

10. And if akara selling doesn’t fit your destiny, invest in these 9 things.

We have carefully curated the investment options for you, and they are sure to bring you profit. Imagine investing in Titus sardine. Tituscurrency! Buy the dip and hodl. We must 100x our salary in this 2020.

9 Things You Can Buy And Hold As Investment In Nigeria

[donation]
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Nigerian companies always like to say they pay a competitive salary, but it never lasts till the end of the month. Today on Interview With, we sat down with Competitive Salary and asked it to tell us the problem.

[Competitive Salary jogs in. ‘Eye of The Tiger’ starts to play from nowhere.]

Zikoko: Uhm, hello there.

[Competitive Salary stretches]

Zikoko: It’s good to have you.

[Competitive Salary drops to the floor and does 15 push-ups]

Zikoko: Pardon me, but I think it would be best if you sat down.

[Competitive Salary rises up and starts to squat]

Zikoko: …

[Competitive Salary drinks protein shake from a water bottle]

Zikoko: Is that a protein shake? Looks like you’re trying to bulk up.

Competitive Salary: Yes. I’ve been trying, but I’ve not bulked anything for the past eight years. Employers have told me to trust the process though, so I’m very hopeful.

Zikoko: I see…

[Competitive Salary dabs sweat and sits down]

Competitive Salary: Good day, Interviewer.

Zikoko: Same to you, Competitive Salary. Thank you for showing up.

Competitive Salary: I didn’t even plan to show up, but I decided to use the opportunity for Leg Day, so I jogged all the way here.

Zikoko: You sound like you are always training. Are you actually competing against something?

Competitive Salary: Interviewer, what is my first name?

Zikoko: Competi— Oh…

Competitive Salary: Exactly. Since I was born, I have been competing. I am competing now, and I will compete till I die.

Zikoko: But who exactly are you competing against?

Competitive Salary: Who? I compete not against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, the rulers of the darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness in high places.

Zikoko: Only you? Okay, you have to explain now. Who are the principalities and powers?

Competitive Salary: HR. Or is it Talent Management they call themselves these days?

Zikoko: What about the rulers of the darkness of this world?

Competitive Salary: CEOs.

Zikoko: Interesting… What of spiritual wickedness in high places?

Competitive Salary: The government and everyone in power who is responsible for inflation and unnecessarily high prices.

Zikoko: Hm. It doesn’t seem like things are alright with you oh.

Competitive Salary: See, things are not alright at all. I never wanted to be about this life of competition. My relatives in foreign tech companies are in USD or other sensible currencies. But I am in naira and that’s why I am in trouble today. To be in naira is to fight and struggle everyday.

And then, as if this isn’t enough, the HR and CEOs decided to make me competitive. They saw me fighting for my life and decided: “You know what this one needs? Competition. We will call it Competitive Salary.” That was when I knew they were the principalities and powers and rulers of the darkness of this world.

Zikoko: Have you ever tried to speak about it?

Competitive Salary: I don’t have to. The people who receive me are always complaining. Poor souls. They heard competitive salary and decided to apply for the job. Now, me and my owners don’t even get to see each other for more than a few seconds.

Zikoko: I’m not getting you.

Competitive Salary: The moment I drop like this, I’m running out of their accounts.

I compete against house rent, black tax, Uber, food, debit alerts — unforeseen and foreseen, and if you have a car, I compete against it too, because it’s at the end of the month that the car will start making useless noises. I always advise people to increase the sound of their radio when their car starts to do anyhow. Let Ayra Starr’s voice help you drown out the sound of your gasket blowing.

Zikoko: That sounds like you want these people to have accident o. But tell me, if you were not a Competitive Salary, what would you rather be?

Competitive Salary: I just want to be a salary. As in, a livable wage. All this talk of competing is too much for me. This really isn’t a good way to live. Every day, I’m up at 6am, jogging, squatting, stretching, doing push-ups and drinking protein shakes. Before the middle of the month, the things I’m competing with have defeated me.

Please, I’m tired. Is my creator on leave? Why always me?

[Competitive Salary breaks down in tears]

Zikoko: Pele. This is a lot. What advice would you give job seekers and everyone out there?

Competitive Salary: When next you’re asking about a job’s pay and they tell you that you should not worry because the salary is competitive, tell them that you will worry o. What’s bringing competition inside remuneration? They should say how much so you can know where you’re going.

[Competitive Salary gets a call and excuses itself to take it in the toilet]

Competitive Salary [from the toilet]: As in they’re coming now? Wow. But it’s just the 5th. I thought I had time. Okay. Bye.

[Competitive Salary returns]

Competitive Salary: If you’ll excuse me, I have just been told that there are debit alerts already hunting for me. It’s not even the middle of the month, but I can smell death. This is not life.

Zikoko: Ehya. Would you like—

[Competitive Salary jogs out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Breakfast: “I Am An Important Meal”

[donation]
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Queenie (23) and Omeiza (30) chatted for three months before meeting for the first time. The plan was to become friends, but they found love in the process. Today on Love Life, they discuss peace they have found in each other, and the qualities that make them perfect.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Queenie: The first time I saw Omeiza’s picture, I think I laughed a little. A friend introduced us. He sent us each other’s contact and pictures. Omeiza was sporting an Afro and had a round neck t-shirt on. But the picture was taken in a way that emphasised his “pink lips.” My first thought was, “Ahan, this shakara is too much oh.” The picture looked like something you could use as a “feeling fly” meme.

Omeiza: I met Queenie through a friend. The friend visited me after a long period of absence and we caught up on everything we had been up to. The following day, he told me he knew a beautiful lady he was sure I would like and who would like me too, so he shared her contact and I called her to say “Hello.” We became friends immediately. I don’t remember what her profile picture was, but the beauty was obvious. I remember thinking, “Ahan, such a babe.”

Why did this friend introduce you both? Was it an attempt to matchmake?

Queenie: I wouldn’t say matchmake per se. I think he did it as a means to make Omeiza and I become friends, but see us today: we are now more than friends.

Omeiza: My friend is an interesting person. During our catching up, he was very curious about who I was dating and I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone because dating had been exhausting and I needed a break. He laughed and said, “I know you won’t be able to cope considering you are a nerd.” He then said if I were to date and put myself out there more, I was bound to meet someone. In my mind, I was like, “Na so e easy?” During that conversation, he decided to introduce me to Queenie. I think he wanted us to meet first, become friends and decide if we liked each other.

So, matchmaking it is, but from a friendship angle. Nice. What were the first chats like?

Queenie: The chats were cool, I think. Omeiza was a complete nerd. He started with ‘Hi’, then he went ahead to tell me his full name, which I found funny, but I told him mine as well. We are both from Kogi state, and that made me curious and interested in getting to know him more.

Omeiza: It’s time to come clean here. My first message was “Hi, I am Omeiza. Ola gave me your number.” I am still suffering for using that line. She has never stopped taunting me after almost two years of meeting her.

As she should. Did coming from Kogi state make everything easier?

Omeiza: Omo, as much as I thought that could work to my advantage, it didn’t oh.

Queenie: We are both from Kogi state but different local government areas.

And this made things difficult… how?

Omeiza: She didn’t want to date someone from her state. Me neither, but I was quite flexible. As for her, the door of that possibility was tightly closed.

Queenie: It’s not like that, please. I am just not interested in men from Kogi state. Kogi men are aggressive. I knew quite a number of them and the aggressiveness seemed like a visible pattern in all of them. Me, I’m soft and I don’t like wahala, and so I decided to avoid them completely.

When Omeiza and I started having meaningful conversations, I saw how different and really cool he was and was like, “Hmm, nice one.” I realised my reservations were not totally true, so I let my guard down and re-examined my bias.

Ahan, look at Omeiza breaking stereotypes. Omeiza, why didn’t you want to date someone from Kogi state?

Omeiza: After visiting Kogi state three times, it seemed to me that the ladies there do not have a mind of their own. They are overly submissive, especially those who grew up in the state. It’s not that I cannot date someone from Kogi state; I am open to considering it. It just has to be someone who didn’t spend too much time in the state.

When you and Queenie chatted, what did you talk about?

Queenie: We wanted to know more about each other. He told me his occupation, I told him mine. I think we talked about our dislikes too. He preferred calls to texting, so we had long phone calls.

Omeiza: We talked for almost two or three hours every night. The chats were very formal, and that’s all on me. I should also own up to this: I also Googled her. I did a complete CIA investigation, LMAO. The more I searched, the more interested I became. So I kept asking question after question and each time, I would stare at her picture and become arrested anew by her beauty. It didn’t take long for me to switch from nerd to lover boy. Three months after our first online introduction, we met physically.

Ouu. But wait oh. Three months? Why not sooner? I thought the chemistry was off the roof?

Omeiza: Yes it was, but we were not in the same state.

Queenie: Besides that, I had some things I was occupied with too, so we had to take our time.

Fair point. Oya, download the tea for me. How was the first meeting?

Queenie: We met at Agodi Gardens in Ibadan. I chose the venue. He came late sha.

Omeiza: And you queried me, Miss Punctuality.

Queenie: LMAO. Yes, he apologised, and we got over it. Omo, he was taller than I imagined, but he was really cool, and when we hugged, he smelled so nice. This is a major turn on for me. I love it when a man smells nice.

He also brought me a book from Lagos, and I thought it was a sweet gesture from him. We strolled around the garden and talked about random things. We were really just happy to finally meet each other after a long period of calls and chats. Oh, he also found out I was scared of puppies and peacocks, and he laughed at me so much. Imagine strolling in a nature park with a tall, dark, handsome and courteous man. It was a heartwarming experience.

Omeiza: You go fear tall, dark and handsome. She chose Agodi Gardens because of her love for nature. I was very excited to meet her, but nervous as well. I underestimated Ibadan traffic and ended up keeping her waiting because I was caught in traffic.

But see ehn, I saw Queenie and was floored. She was stunning. And she had this shyness I thought was cute. When I held her hands, I felt butterflies in my tummy. I won’t even lie.

Omeiza, plis. Some of us are single, abeg.

Queenie: LMAO.

Omeiza: Two very interesting things happened on that day. The first was that she was so scared of a puppy and a peacock. I teased her a bit and we both had a good laugh. The second was that she started feeling cold, so I gave her my jacket like they do in Hollywood movies.

Queenie: The gesture was touching and sweet. When we were about to cross the road while leaving, he held my hand and I thought that was sweet too. I felt protected.

Omeiza: You kuku used the opportunity to steal one of my cardigans.

Queenie: Normal stuff. Also, I didn’t steal it. I just changed ownership. I have plans to do that for more cardigans.

LMAO. What happened after the date? Did the conversations become more romantic?

Queenie: Well, I’d say we became a lot closer. His sweetness and courteous nature had drawn me to him, and there was no denying that I liked and felt something for him. But I still needed to make up my mind about being with him, and so I became more curious and inquisitive. I wanted to know his core values, his plans, his past relationships and if he was willing to be more than a friend, before I committed myself fully.

Omeiza: Me I was trying to convince her to be my girlfriend. We talked about a lot, and it was the first time I didn’t feel the need to hide anything about myself from anyone. I felt safe enough to be vulnerable with her. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t curious about her too. I wanted to know her thought process, ideas, interests and her past relationships, etc.

In talking about these things, we opened up to each other and shared a lot. I had so many things I had bottled in that I ought to have shared but didn’t have anyone close to me to share them with. I might have even teared up at one point. She had very lovely qualities.

What qualities are these, and why do they matter?

Queenie: Omeiza is thoughtful, and he pays attention. On our first date, he brought me a book. When the weather changed and I got cold, he gave me his jacket to keep me warm. I didn’t even know he noticed I was cold. He is considerate, a good listener, and he’s very caring. He is that person who would do everything to make you comfortable around him. For me, these matter a lot. I can’t be with a man who won’t make me feel at ease.

Omeiza: Queenie is such a breath of fresh air. She is very considerate, honest, beautiful, intelligent and God-fearing. She also says things as they are and is not shy to speak out when something isn’t working for her. If she feels overwhelmed by my gestures of affection, she doesn’t hesitate to speak up. This is something I have always hoped for. I don’t like to guess how people feel. I want to know.

Aww. We have definitely entered relationship zone.

Queenie: No oh, we entered consistent communication first. Becoming closer helped us to the point where I could conclude that Omeiza was the man for me, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and so when he asked me to be his girlfriend on the first of May 2020, three months after our first hello on WhatsApp, I didn’t hesitate before saying yes.

How has the relationship been so far?

Omeiza: It has been a smooth ride. Queenie has become my companion and my happiness partner.

Queenie: It’s a dream come true, honestly. The best part is having that one person who never gets tired of listening to you, even when you no longer know what to say. Also, having that supportive partner who has your back, cares for you and looks out for you. Omeiza is all of that. I thank God that he didn’t let me over-stress myself before blessing me with Omeiza. And what’s more? He can cook. He’s a complete package.

Omeiza: I like how we cooperate in doing things. We are almost similar in how ambitious we are. We are both serious about us and the relationship, and that’s the most beautiful part. She’s in sync with me when we try to fix issues in our relationship.

Ah, issues? Tell me all about them. Have there been any fights?

Queenie: We’ve had arguments, not fights.

Omeiza: I don’t like drama. I had a lot of drama in my life before meeting her, which is why I said she is a breath of fresh air. Also, arguments are to be expected, but we’re always looking for a way forward, and that’s immensely helpful.

Queenie: One argument I remember clearly was the day I responded grumpily to him during a phone call. He got angry and said I should let him know whenever I was ready to talk. My own grumpiness turned into anger. But even then, I knew I still loved him and would never hurt him. Later in the evening when he called, he teased me, I laughed, and we moved on after we both apologised.

Omeiza: Our funniest fight would be when she started taking a lot of pictures, and I got frustrated since I am her personal photographer. I started arguing with her about the frequency. We were out for movies, and while waiting for our movie, we sat down on a bench and acted like complete strangers. It was a very weird feeling and we had to quickly end it o. We couldn’t take it anymore.

Aww. Lovebirds. What’s your method for resolving these arguments?

Queenie: Dialogue.

Omeiza: We find a way to talk it out, learn our lessons and talk about something fun: movies, books, or simply gist about random things.

Are there areas you’d love to see improvement in each other?

Queenie: Omeiza can overreact sometimes, but we’ve talked about it and I can see changes. I want him to keep improving on himself as I want him to always be the best version of himself. I’d also like for him to not always take everything to heart.

Omeiza: I can’t think of any. The way our relationship works is that we constantly learn and improve ourselves. It’s difficult to mention anything since she has improved on anything I do not like or fancy about her.

How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1-10?

Omeiza: 9. Not perfect, but close to perfection.

Queenie: 8. 10 minus 8 is 2. The 2 stands for our imperfections and flaws, and the hurdles that are stepping stones, while the 8 stands for how much effort we put in the relationship to show that we love and respect each other.

Ahan, see breakdown. Now I can see why Omeiza has chosen you as his last bus stop.

Omeiza: I no tell you?

Queenie: LMAO.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

[donation]
If you are Nigerian, then you will understand what we mean when we say some things are just not for us. Some of these things are sexual practices that are just not aligned with our Nigerian-ness. Here is a list of some of them:

1. Toe sucking

You are a Nigerian and you want to suck your partner’s toes? Are you not afraid of the miles they have travelled? Are you not scared of how tough the soles of their feet will be? Imagine sucking the toes of someone from Igando or Ikorodu. God abeg.

2. Eating a man’s ass.

So you became so horny that you decided, out of plain fornication and the romantic gesture of bumping genitals, that you want to eat bumbum. And I’m not mad at it. I admire the courage. But then it’s not just any ass, it is the one owned by a Nigerian man you want to chook your mouth in and eat? Do you have a death wish? Is that how you have chosen to go?

9 Reasons Why Nigerian Men Must Never Wash Their Bum-Bum

3. Bondage.

The Nigerian in me would never do this. The moment I hear, “Let me put you in bondage,” my Christianity will resurrect and I’ll start speaking in tongues and shouting, “I shall not be put in bondage. My destiny shall never experience bondage. Everything that belongs to me shall never be bound. Rikabasunbatatatata.”

4. Fisting.

If you don’t know what this is, Google it. But here’s a simpler way to put it: imagine someone putting their entire hand inside your honeypot, their entire hand oh, and not their weapon of love. Imagine them bending you over and putting that complete hand, from palm to wrist to elbow, inside you. Just imagine. JUST. IMAGINE.

5. Public sex.

Many people are doing this, sha. But one day will be one day when you will be caught and we will do GoFundMe to bail you out. Imagine your pastor coming to bail you out and they ask you what you were arrested for: “Collecting hot fok in public.”

6. Pissing.

Somebody’s child that you are, you will kneel down and open your mouth or spread yourself like moi-moi leaf, only for someone to remove their weapon of love and expel hot urine all over you. Hot yellow urine, in this Nigeria where everything is hot.

7. Scat.

Here’s how Google defines it:

“In sexual fetishism, scatology (usually abbreviated scat) refers to coprophilia, when a person is sexually aroused by fecal matter, whether in the use of feces in various sexual acts, watching someone defecating, or simply seeing the feces. Entire subcultures in sexuality are devoted to this fetish.”

Is this what you want to indulge in? Be honest and answer yourself.

But we are not judging sha. Do what you want and have fun. Just stay safe.

[donation]
When we were younger, many of us spent a lot of time wondering when we would grow up so we could finally be adults. How is that going now? If you haven’t clocked it yet, let us be the first to tell you: adulthood is a major scam and these 14 things prove it:

1. You have to feed yourself.

This is one sure sign of adulthood being a scam. So you mean I have to come back to this house and my parents don’t have food waiting for me? My mother is not offering me extra meat? Wow, so I have to look for what I will eat on my own? This is betrayal.

2. You start to manage meat and fish.

When you actually manage to feed yourself, you realise how much turkey and Titus costs in the market, no one will teach you before you start rationing the meat and fish you eat. Especially with this one that Constable Sapa is in town.

3. You probably won’t even be able to afford milk.

You see that three scoops of milk you always wanted as a child? You see that Milo you wanted to lick but were not allowed to? You probably won’t be able to afford it. And even when you can afford it and can lick it the way you want to, you’ll realise that it is not enough to soothe the pain of adulthood.

4. You are qualified for heartbreak.

You think adulthood is one land of bliss and romance until one person will invade your peace and then break your heart. Like, what exactly did I do to you people? Is it a crime to be an adult?

5. You have to pay your own bills.

From now on, rent is on you. Data subscription payment is on you too. Anything you buy or involve yourself in, you must pay for it by yourself. The literal definition of carrying your cross by yourself.

6. There are really no parties to attend.

I blame Nollywood and Hollywood for making us believe that adulthood was all parties and popping outfits. See ehn, as an adult, there are not so many parties to attend. Take it from us.

7. And when there are parties to attend, you are too tired.

After working hard all week, when Friday night comes, you just want to curl up in your bed watching Netflix and laughing at tweets or TikTok videos. The party can take care of itself. You simply won’t have the energy for it.

8. The sex you want so much, you won’t get it.

You think you’ll enter adulthood collecting knacks and snatching orgasms left, right and centre. LEEMAO. The lies. Either the sex is bad or simply just not available with the person you want it with. Eventually, you will turn celibate.

9. No more Christmas clothes.

The only thing you might get is a matching pyjamas set. And even that one is dependent on finding love. You that is constantly chopping heartbreak, where will that one come from?

10. You have to motivate yourself to get things done.

Because if you don’t, who will? So, you have to motivate yourself to show up for work in time so they don’t fire you. You have to motivate yourself to wake up in the middle of the night to put extra effort into your own personal development.

11. Nobody dashes you free money anymore.

Everybody is an adult now. Deal with it oh. The most they can dash you is urgent 2k. And the day you misbehave like this, they will probably drag you for it.

12. Your younger ones expect you to dash them money.

These ones don’t know what is wrong with them. They don’t know you are also expecting to be dashed money. The ghetto. LMAO, sorry dears, we are all corporate beggars in these streets.

13. Your parents and everyone around you suddenly expect you to be responsible.

Imagine that. Responsibility, when you are trying to survive and stay afloat. Wahala for who dey look up to me oh.

14. Expect to cry. A lot.

This is the strangest part of adulthood. You could be doing something unrelated to tears and you will feel the tears running down. Someone shouts at you too much and the tears come pouring down. Sometimes, you even schedule date and time to cry.

Yes, it do usually happen like that.

[donation]
A wise man once said, “When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.”

If you have ever been frustrated by a university group project, this is one article you will relate to.

1. First of all, prepare to not get mark you deserve.

If there is anything a university group work will teach you, it is that you will get marks that are not commensurate with the work you put in. Either the mark is too low, or in worst cases, the lecturer might not include it when they total all your marks after the examination. You then begin to wonder if the group work was a waste.

2. Some people will not do as much work, but will get higher marks than those who did.

It could be luck, or we could all be honest and blame the shitty lecturer who just gave out marks arbitrarily. Pick your fighter.

3. Group works will show you just how useless some of your course mates are.

Yes, everybody looks dope and cute and responsible. Wait until you are put in the same group with them. That’s when you will realise that many are useless, but it’s just obvious to a few.

4. YOU HAVE TO BEG SOME PEOPLE TO SUBMIT THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS.

For crying out loud, why do you have to beg someone to submit their contributions to a group work that is part of their course load? Why do we have to beg you to succeed? Do you not like yourself?

5. Even after all the begging, some people will not submit anything.

And then on the day the group work is due, they will manifest like a bad fart and start begging you to put their names. Excuse me dear, the only thing I will be putting your name on is the list of those who deserve to fail. Please get out of my sight.

6. Some people submit their contributions, but it is either plagiarised or completely senseless.

These ones just leave you confused. Yes, they submitted, but their submission is useless. The worst part? They usually end up getting the high marks.

7. Expect to see that one person who will not contribute or show up for meetings but will come on the last day and offer to pay for printing.

This is the Obi Cubana of university group work. Talking about, “How much is the printing, let me pay for it and you will put my name.” LMAO. First of all, may you and your money perish. Who do you think you are? Where were you when the whole group was working?

8. If you ask group members to contribute a small amount of money towards binding and printing, someone will accuse you of eating their money.

Don’t sweat it. It is a normal occurence.

9. By the way, there will always be a problem with finding who will present the work.

All of you have done the work, let one person come out to present, but nobody will. This is one major tug of war.

10. At the root of it all, you must think of how you can do the group work alone and you will get annoyed all over again.

Because, really, why did the lecturer add you to this group when it could easily have been an assignment for you alone? Just why?

[donation]
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Today on Interview With, we invited Breakfast to the Zikoko office. Heartbreak and Morning Food showed up. Here is our interview with the both of them:

Zikoko: Hello, good morning. Welcome to Zikoko Interview With.

Breakfast: Thank you for having me.

Zikoko: We understand you have a busy morning ahead of you, so we will wrap this up quickly.

Breakfast: That’s fine by me.

Zikoko: In your own opinion, what is the most nutritious breakfast to eat?

Breakfast: Oh, that’s simple. It can be in different forms. For example, finding out that your partner of five years cheated on you is one very nutritious breakfast. A serious talking stage ending in tears is also another nutritious—

Zikoko: Wait a minute. Which breakfast are you?

Breakfast: The heartbreak one.

Zikoko: There has been a mistake somewhere. We invited the actual Breakfast, morning food.

Breakfast: Oh. One of us really needs to consider changing our name.

Zikoko: How did you even come to be called “Breakfast”? What happened to being called good old “heartbreak”?

Breakfast: I am sure you will agree with me that there are some heartbreaks that fill you up like food. You will collect it and be unable to eat. You’ll just be drinking wine or water. In fact, you can even vomit what you did not eat. All because a Yoruba man broke your heart, or you found out that your serious Igbo girlfriend who went home to visit her family actually went to do her traditional wedding. That is when people say, “They have served you Breakfast.”

Zikoko: Omo.

Breakfast: Left to me, I prefer to be called Heartbreak, but when people started telling their heartbroken friends that they have been served “Breakfast” after a serious disappointment, I said let me in come in and claim the name.

Zikoko: But why Breakfast? Why not Lunch or Dinner?

Breakfast: Well, Breakfast is an important meal, I guess. Imagine being heartbroken and telling your friends that you have been served lunch. The friend might even congratulate you on being able to afford a fancy lunch. But when you call your friend at past 9 in the night, shedding hot tears and saying you have been served Breakfast, then the person on the other end of the line will be forced to sit up straight because eating Breakfast at 9pm is very unusual.

Zikoko: Crazy things are happening.

Breakfast: Even Tems cannot deny that she has not eaten Breakfast before.

Zikoko: Wait oh. Me I thought this Breakfast thing meant good news sha.

Breakfast: Are you talking about that video of Ogogo saying, “Gbogbo wa lama je breakfast”?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7ol9MfmV3s

Zikoko: Ehen now. He said “All of us will eat breakfast, and each person’s time will be different.” So how did heartbreak enter this thing?

Breakfast: My brother, this is Nigeria. Good news is scarce. But everywhere you turn, heartbreak is waiting to French kiss you.

Zikoko: No, but—

Breakfast: Listen, Ogogo probably meant it as good news, I agree. But come to think of it, all of you will also eat the breakfast of heartbreak, and each person’s time will be different. Just like the angel of doom is knocking on everybody’s door, I, Breakfast is going round and round the earth too, looking for who to feed.

Zikoko: Let me close my mouth before I taste you.

Breakfast: A closed mouth is a closed destiny, don’t forget that.

[Door opens and the actual Breakfast enters]

Actual Breakfast: Sorry I’m late oh. I was delayed by one family.

Breakfast: Could it be that they served Breakfast to you, Breakfast?

Actual Breakfast: Who be this one?

Breakfast: I am Breakfast, the heartbreak edition. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Actual Breakfast: Please, I am not making any useless acquaintances. I need to rest. I have had a long and stressful morning. Are you Zikoko people doing this interview or not?

Zikoko: Yes, yes, we are still doing this interview. Heartbreak Breakfast, you can leave, please. We have had enough of you.

Breakfast: I will go. [Exits]

Actual Breakfast: See as e be like wetin I no know. Say na pleased to make your acquaintance. If you don’t leave here with your foolish English.

Zikoko: Erm, is this a good time? You sound a bit cranky…

Actual Breakfast: Why will I not be cranky? No, answer me. How will a respectable human being wake up and decide to eat Semo and Okro as breakfast? How? And it’s not even fresh Semo, it’s leftover Semo the person warmed.

Zikoko: Oh wow.

Actual Breakfast: If you know what my eyes have seen in the hands of Nigerians all in the name of eating morning food, you will join me to weep. Some people will decide they want to eat Breakfast by 12 p.m., when I’m supposed to have finished my morning rounds. They will now summon me again. Why not just hold the hunger and eat your lunch by 2 p.m.?

Zikoko: Is there an official timetable stating that lunch must be by 2pm?

Actual Breakfast: Please don’t ask me foolish questions. Knowing your type, you probably eat breakfast by 1 p.m.

Zikoko: Oh not at all.

Actual Breakfast: I don’t even care. I just want you people to do better. Two or three slices of yam, fried egg and a cup of tea is decent. But if some Nigerians have not served a three course meal, they are not satisfied. Breakfast, but you people are serving eba and draw soup with shaki. You will finish eating, only to go and sleep at work or enter traffic to fight.

Look, sorry I’m ranting. I guess I am just having a bad morning.

Zikoko: It’s okay. This is a safe space, let it all out.

Actual Breakfast: Thank y… Oh great. This person that ate Semo and Okro is already calling for milk and Milo.

Zikoko: They want to drink tea after eating Semo?

Actual Breakfast: Now tell me why I shouldn’t be angry.

[Actual Breakfast walks out angrily]

Zikoko: Toh. They have served you too Breakfast.

[Door slams]

READ NEXT: Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

[donation]
We don’t care if you enjoy sex or not. The damage caused by that act is enough and it is time for the government to abolish sex in Nigeria. Here are 11 good reasons why this must happen ASAP.

1. Sex brings pregnancy.

Be honest with yourself, do you want pregnancy at this time?

2. Pregnancy brings babies, and babies steal your peace of mind.

And then the child grows up to hate you, despite everything you did for them. Is this how you want your life to go?

3. Sex makes you confused. You start wondering if it’s love you are feeling.

And like this, they will take you for an idiot. You will begin to condone nonsense in the name of love. We don’t want that for you, so we all need to come together to beg the government to ban this act.

4. Sex is too sweet.

And we all know doctors and dentists don’t recommend things that are too sweet. So, it’s best to choose health over hot fok.

5. Sex is messy and sweaty.

Imagine bathing and smelling nice, only to be rough handled by someone and getting their saliva in your mouth and their sweat all over your body? Imagine getting your hair scattered, and your legs spread apart like a television’s antenna? God forbid abeg. We need to ban such a dirty act.

6. Let’s be honest, sex is unproductive use of our time.

Time you should be using to harvest yam and better your lives or advancing in your career, you are using it to bend over or get bent over while someone is grabbi— Oh no, this act deserves to be abolished.

7. All the heat from hot fok is causing global warming.

Global warming is a serious environmental crisis. Why must you choose to damage your environment because of hot fok? Do you not care about survival?

8. Sex is the leading cause of cheating in Nigeria.

Yes. Yes. Yes. The earlier we abolish sex, the longer relationships and marriages last.

9. Our population is already plenty enough.

We need a moratorium on sex until things normalise. We cannot afford to lapse into overpopulation.

10. Sex makes people scream “Jesus” and “Oh my God”

First of all, do you nasty sinners not fear anything? What if your noise encourages our creator to hasten His second coming?

11. Buhari was angry that all we use Twitter for is sex, so he banned it.

Abolish sex today so we can get Twitter back today.

[donation]
TW: Suicide.

Life after a break-up can bring the worst out of us, especially if the break-up hurts more than expected. For this article, I spoke to 11 Nigerians about the worst thing they have ever done after a break-up. The answers prove something you might already know: break-ups don’t always sit right with us, and sometimes, we will do the most to get our partner back or get over them.

Michelle.

The heartbreak came from this person I dated for the longest period of time. We started dating two months to my 18th birthday, and the relationship lasted till I was 29 years old. That’s about 11 years of my life spent in one relationship with one person. Before university, he was there. University, he was there. After university, he was there. I had no reason to think anything was going to go wrong.

And then one blessed morning during the lockdown of 2020, he woke up and said, “I can’t do this anymore.” I nearly ran mad. Actually, scrap that. I ran mad. April and May 2020 remain a blur. For two months, I wasn’t normal. I cried everyday for five months. I would be inside a keke and be shedding tears, inside the bus and inside the church, I was shedding hot tears. Any song comes on like this, fresh tears would start. I don’t fast, but I fasted because of this man. I became a drunkard, and had a psychotic breakdown. I was on Olanzapine for about two weeks.

Uzoamaka.

When my ex cheated on me, I was pregnant. I was going through a lot then, and I used to blame myself, but now I blame hormones. When the cheating happened, I tried to kill myself. I was very suicidal prior to us being together so news of his infidelity was like a trigger. I ended up having a miscarriage. We are back together and I’m pregnant again, but I will be honest, I am scared shitless that he might cheat on me again.

Solape.

I met this guy shortly before graduating from university and I told him I didn’t have much time left in Cyprus since it was my last semester and I thought I would be back in Nigeria right after graduating. But COVID happened. He said we should date for the six months I had left and I happily agreed. Big error. This guy broke up with me on the day the relationship clocked six months. He said shebi it was six months we agreed to. Apparently, he was doing a countdown for the six months.

I have never been that heartbroken. It was so bad, I used to wake up to cry. He knew how much I liked him and he took advantage of it and I also let him. After we broke-up, we would hang out together, and he would tell me about the girls he was seeing and I’d be listening patiently while dying inside and pining for him. One time, I even made a playlist for one of his babes because I wanted him to still be in my life. My friends didn’t hear the last of his name, neither did my notes app. I was always documenting how I was hurting and I was always going back. I had no self-worth and I was willing to lose whatever dignity I had left. It really was the worst time of my life.

Yakaka.

The recent heartbreak was like 5 weeks ago sha. I was with my partner for almost nine months and it was really great but we had to end things. I always told myself that I was prepared for anything that comes because things end and life goes on. Omo, the day we ended things, I cried but after that I poured myself into other things and stopped paying attention to the pain. But see ehn, for the past three weeks, I’ve been a mess. I dey waka on road dey cry. I nor fit sleep for night. I have the video of all of our time together on replay in my head and it’s on a loop, these past days I’ve lost my appetite.

I have this overwhelming sadness that’s crippling, and I have no idea how to fix it. I’m just here, crying to bed and crying all through the day. It feels like I will never heal from this one. Almost looks like this is the end of the road for me. I never knew loving this person would hurt this much; in fact, I never even knew I was this in love with them. Yes, love is sweet, but when it ends, the sadness and pain it brings is a good enough reason to never fall in love again.

Binta.

When this guy asked me out for the first time, I didn’t like him. But he liked me, so I accepted. Two months into the relationship, I realised I had fallen for him, and that was when he started messing up big time. I would call him and he wouldn’t pick, I’d text and he would not respond. I struggled and managed the relationship till it was five months old. During the lockdown, everything ended. I called him a day to my birthday to inform him that my birthday was coming up the next day. I kid you not, his next words were, “Really? I don’t believe you.” Lo and behold, he neither called nor texted on my birthday. I decided to end it then. There was no official break-up, I stopped calling or texting and he never followed up. I loved him but I was hurting, and I discovered the musician Ali Gatie around this time. 1am in the midnight, I’d be mouthing the lyrics and crying over a guy who stopped loving me the moment I fell for him. I’ve healed now, but it was a sore pain that year.

Gloria.

You know how people advice against office relationships? Well, I never used to buy into the idea. Then someone joined a sister company to our parent company and was showing signs that he wanted to be with me. Apparently, he had even buzzed me a year before, but I didn’t respond because I was going through a lot at that point. This time when he joined the company and showed further interest, I discussed it with my colleagues and I was told to give it a try, that a couple of people have met their significant other in the workplace. So I did.

At that time, I was travelling a lot and couldn’t spend a lot of time with him, but every time I got back, I made sure to spend time at his house or him at mine. While I was away, my colleagues started giving me reports about seeing my boyfriend making moves and going to lunch with a particular intern that just joined us. I didn’t want to believe it, so I confronted him and he said he liked her as a colleague.

I started to observe them: after work, she would wait for him, walk to his table, yet he kept reassuring me that nothing was happening, so I gave him benefit of the doubt. One day, a work event came up and I used the opportunity to ask the intern if she knew I was dating him. Her response was that she had no idea of such a thing happening; besides, they were just colleagues who simply enjoyed each other’s company. I asked her if she had his phone number and she denied it.

On National Boyfriend Day, I posted a picture of myself and him. His face wasn’t even showing. His wristwatch was the only thing showing and I used a smiley to cover it. Next thing I got was a DM from him, asking me to take it down. He was upset and started throwing tatrums, so I took it down. That was the beginning of the problems. He started to say he needed space and was having mental health issues, and when I asked where all of this was coming from, he started lying and saying he was unavailable. By this time, the entire office had started to notice that something was going on between us and the intern started making it obvious that they were together. They would go for lunch and all. Again, I asked him if anything was going on and he denied it, so I decided to do my investigation.

I found out that he told this girl that we were not dating and he caused beef between the babe and I. Soon, it started to take a toll on my emotions and the quality of my work. Even while I was going through this, I thought it was just her. As time went on, truth came out that he was cheating with another person, and that made two babes who worked in my office: the intern and the other lady. They were both in disbelief when I told them about it. It became crazy at that point. How do you cheat on me with two of my colleagues and lie to them that you were not dating me when clearly, you asked for a relationship and decided to give you a try as my first office relationship?

It got to me so bad that I went on a rampage and started talking to anybody who was willing to listen. It scarred me so much I started to believe that any guy who came to me wanted me for just arm candy purposes. It fucked up my trust issues too.

Dapo.

In university, I dated this babe for a month and two days and we broke up because of religious differences. We decided to stay friends, but I wanted her back. That was the beginning of my foolishness. I bent over backwards for this babe. It was terrible. At some point, she would tease me so much I would get aroused. When I asked for sex, she would laugh and say, “Oh, but we are just friends.” From year two to year four, I devoted my life to getting her to like me. She used me to catch cruise and I was still there. I was depressed, suicidal, but nothing changed. Glad to have gotten control of my life now.

Feyi.

My best friend and I had a fight and stopped talking for a month. Two weeks after we stopped talking, I broke up with my boyfriend. He told me he wouldn’t talk to her either because it didn’t seem right to him. I told him I didn’t want him to “inherit my beef.” He said he wasn’t inheriting anything, he just didn’t find it appropriate. One day, I saw a picture of the both of them on his status. I texted him, “I thought you both were not talking, how come she travelled from her school to meet you?” He said its a coincidence, but later I found out they were staying together. And yet, he called it a coincidence.

Eventually, I texted her to clear the air about our fight. Three days after that, my boyfriend texted me saying he had something to tell me. He told me that their meeting wasn’t coincidental, but that they met so they could heal from what happened between three of us. He then goes on to say that these past few weeks with her has been the best of his life and that he loves her more. The text was very professional, and I said, “Oh okay,” out of pure shock. At first the effect didn’t get to me until the next day. I had to text her that we couldn’t be friends anymore. Much later, I posted stuff on my status and my ex replied. His tone was condescending, so I told him to stop texting me. “The only thing I want from you is your Netflix password,” I said. His reply was, “Why exactly are you upset?” That was when I blocked him.

Tope.

He was cheating on me with his “bestie”, the same girl he told me not to worry about. When I found out, he said he would have to let me go, so he could focus solely on her. I begged him to date us both, that I didn’t mind. He agreed at first, but then he stopped talking to me altogether. Still, I went to our mutual friend and asked him to plead on my behalf. I said I did not mind his cheating habits, I just wanted him to stay. After that, I broke down; I stopped eating or going out. I would be indoors all day crying and listening to gospel songs. I eventually snapped one day and had to move on because I realised he was over me.

Habeebah.

We had been dating from 100 level; in 400 level, he developed feelings for another girl and I became the side. I wanted to be sure, so I checked his phone and I got proof that I had indeed been replaced by this new girl. I even downloaded a tracker to monitor his phone. After I saw what my eyes were looking for, I confronted him, but he turned it around. He said there was nothing between them, and that I was just making things up. Yet, they still had long calls, he celebrated her birthday for her and once, he asked me not to come around because she was coming to see him. Ah. I went to his place oh, but he locked his door and went to sleep. I started acting like a mad person. I opened his window and started throwing stones into the room, I even poured sand. That was the last straw, I guess.

Shoutout to Sia’s ”Big girls Cry” and “Broken Glass.” Both songs were on repeat with tears in my eyes. I’m better now, though. Funny thing is that we still talk.

Felicia.

I had a bestie back in school. We were super close. Everyone knew us as besties, even my family. We had a stormy period like most friendships do, and we weren’t really hanging out as much. In my head, she was still my bestie sha, nothing could change that. I’d never stop being there or looking out for her.

Fast forward to a couple of years later, I found out she was secretly dating my ex and when I confronted her about it, she lied about it. I confirmed from her new “boyfriend”, and when I got told her I knew about the relationship, and I wasn’t even mad about it cos I was done with my ex but as my friend she should have been honest with me.

That was when I was told that we hadn’t really been friends for a long time, not to talk of besties.
I was heartbroken for a whole year. She was the first friend I ever made so it hurt like hell.
Since then, no more bestie abeg!

[donation]

1. Shadow the environment.

2. Remove your blokos and piss on the money.

3. You can also spit on it.

4. Don’t forget to call the “Blood of Jesus”.

5. Step on it and grind it into the ground.

6. Now go low, go lower, go lower again and pick up the money quickly.

7. Enter the nearest shop and buy something with it.

11 Quizzes That’ll Separate The Ajepakos From The Ajebutters

Zikoko: [Confused] Um, good morning. Where are you coming from, please?

Zikoko: Ah, no oh. I’m just surprised.

Zikoko: That you are in Lagos, in our office for that matter.

Zikoko: The thing is, we already said goodbye to you weeks ago.

Zikoko: Um, this is the daytime…

Zikoko: But we already invited another object in here for today’s interview.

Zikoko: Haba, Harmattan, don’t be angry. Oya sit down, we will interview you.

Zikoko: Very sure. Interviewing you is for the good of the whole country and the people who live in it.

Zikoko: So, what brought you back here?

Zikoko: Okay…

Zikoko: So when do you now enter Lagos?

Zikoko: Ahan, why?

Zikoko: Come through, Mummy G.O.

Zikoko: That’s… strange. Must be those IJGBs. You know they usually enter Lagos in December.

Zikoko: And has this been effective in stopping fornication so far?

Zikoko: How so?

Zikoko: Hmm but don’t you think that’s a little cruel?

Zikoko: How about—

Zikoko: They are the ones I was supposed to interview before you took their spot.

Zikoko: Yes, that’s why I want to interview them.

Zikoko: Let’s move on from that, please. Why are you late?

Zikoko: Wait a minute. Somebody in this Lagos used a Christmas tree as a cover and started doing hot fok in public?

Zikoko: No, that’s enough.

Zikoko: I don’t even know what to say anymore.

READ NEXT: Interview With Twitter Bird: “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”

Zikoko: Wow. Is this Sia or her younger sister?

Zikoko: Wow, wow. Applaudise!

Zikoko: Ah, please wait. What happened, what did we do?

Zikoko: We appreciate the anthem. In fact, we appreciate everything you have done. But we didn’t lay a red carpet because you fly.

Zikoko: Ah, sorry for the lack of initiative. It will not happen again.

Zikoko: Nigerians can’t be easily forgotten. In fact, we can boldly say that Nigerian Twitter is one of the best places to be.

Zikoko: Well, you weren’t exactly gone. The VPN was helpful.

Zikoko: No, it isn’t.

Zikoko: Welcome! We are so pleased to have you—

Zikoko: We do oh.

Zikoko: But wait sef, don’t you also send people to Twitter jail?

Zikoko: People’s accounts are suspended all the time, and—

Zikoko: Don’t take this the wrong way, please.

Zikoko: Please, hold on what I’m saying is—

Zikoko: Sorry you had to relive that awful memory.

Zikoko: Now that you’re allowed back here, what’s your relationship with Lai Mohammed and Bashir Ahmad like?

Zikoko: In the last interview we had with you just after the ban was announced, you said they might cage you if they caught you in our office.

Zikoko: [wiping a tear] Come through, Maya Angelou.

Zikoko: Be grateful they are not Lagos men. Those ones will enjoy you and actively work against you.

Zikoko: So, what will the situation be like for you now, especially with Crowwe and Koo in the market?

Zikoko: Haba, don’t be like that nau. They are your fellow social media apps.

Zikoko: Ehen nau. Koo was introduced as an alternative to you, after you were denied entry into Nigeria.

Zikoko: Omo, please speak softly. They just unbanned you; the gates of your prison are still wide open oh.

Zikoko: You’re bold o.

Zikoko: But what about Crowwe, Adamu Garba’s brainchild?

Zikoko: Why are you laughing?

Zikoko: Oya, swallow it like that. Don’t put us in trouble.

Zikoko: Oh, you do? Tell me, please.

Zikoko: Uhm, Twitter Bird, this is not a video interview.

Zikoko: Depends on the message o…

READ NEXT: Interview With The Remembrance Day Pigeons: “Tell Buhari We Have Just Started”

1. Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

2. Interview With Lagos Apartments

3. Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

4. Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

5. Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

6. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff Is Not A Part Of Us”

7. Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf”

8. Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

9. Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

10. Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

1. Lizard.

2. Snake.

3. Cockroaches.

4. Stolen goat.

5. Your neighbour’s cat.

6. Your pet dog.

**Zikoko: [wiping a tear] Come through, Maya Angelou.**