Jola Ayeye, Author at Zikoko!

Want to know the mama that runs the church? From her iconic strut to her searing look, here’s a 16-step guide on how to spot the first lady in a Nigerian church from a mile away.

1. How she walks into the service:

She has arrived!

2. The type of hats she wears to church:

The bigger the better.

3. How she and the head of the women’s group looks at the choir when they sound off:

Can you imagine?

4. When she says, “Can I have a few more minutes?”

You’re going to be there for like one hour.

5. How she looks on the days she is coming to address the “youth”:

Funky mama!

6. How she answers when you greet her:

Okay oh!

7. The look she gives you when you walk past her without greeting:

Don’t you value your life?

8. Her reaction to everything:

As a holy mama!

9. When the pastor cracks a joke, she’s like:

If nobody will laugh for her husband, she will laugh.

10. When she agrees with a point the preacher has made.

“That’s a real word right there.”

11. How she catches the Holy Spirit!

Hallelujah!

13. When she sees something she doesn’t like.

Jesus is the master key.

14. How your parents greet her even though they are older:

“Ah mummy good morning!”

15. How she drops the microphone when the ushers are wasting time and she’s ready to leave the stage:

Mama waits for no one!

16. How she and her association of scary church aunties roll through:

She did not come to play with you heathens. She came to pray!
1. When you get that first credit alert.

I’m now a bad guy!
2. When all the debit alerts enter and the money starts disappearing.

Na wa oh!
3. When your parents no longer dash you money anyhow.

But I am still in need now!
4. When your siblings start expecting you to buy them all sorts of things.

My friends you better get out!
5. When borrow-borrow family members think you are now an ATM.

You and who please? The Lord will provide for you.
6. When you start realising how valuable every single naira is.

Wow!
7. When your friends start bringing their aso ebi.

“It’s not in my culture to buy aso ebi and I don’t want to offend the gods.”
8. When you start seeing “bank maintenance charge”.

What does that one mean?
9. When unexpected expenses come out of nowhere and reduce your salary to chicken change.

Lord help me!
10. When you realise you still have to pay taxes, insurance and pension contribution.

AH!
One of the best and worst parts of social media is how it has changed relationships!

One moment you’re laughing at a similar joke, the next thing dm, the next thing love is in the air!

But because human beings are professionals at behaving somehow, the love can sometimes miss road.

And you wonder how you got yourself into this nonsense situation!

Because we love you, Zikoko made a video where people spoke about the ups and downs of finding love on social media.

If you can relate (which we are sure many of you can), tell us about your experiences in the comments section. If you really enjoyed this and would like to share your thoughts and ideas in one of our videos, sign up here!
After almost 50 days in the wilderness (yes, we know he travelled to London), President Buhari is back.

He landed this morning in Kaduna, and then took a helicopter to Abuja.

Fellow Nigerians, rejoice! for your able leader has returned!

The first lady, Aisha Buhari shared this picture (we can’t lie, it’s quite cute) on her twitter page.

https://twitter.com/aishambuhari/status/840127111356542976

Presidential love is sweet oh!

However, according to some early reports, it seems like Vice President Osinbajo is still in charge while President Buhari continues to rest.

After more than 40 days, more resting? And you will collect full salary and keep your job? All those who want to be President say I!

This is us, wondering what exactly is going on in this country.

This is also us, hoping Daddy Bubu brought back chocolate and original charger for us.

Anyway, now that he’s back we hope the welfare of Nigeria is placed front and centre because there is so much work to be done.

So guys, what are your feelings on the President’s return? Are you happy? Excited? Nonchalant? Let us know!
1. Today is International Women’s Day, and we are very excited!

2. We know many people are going to celebrate important female figures from past and current history and we love that!

3. But today we want to let all the regular ladies know that they deserve celebration too!

4. First of all, we slay hard at school, getting that education and conquering all those textbooks.

5. And we slay hard at work, breaking stereotypes and doing our part (and more) for the growing global economy.

6. Did we mention the millions of women that push out babies every day like it’s nothing.

7. Then go on to be primary caregivers, nurturing young minds and bodies to do and be better than them.

8. There’s also our amazing homemakers, who provide trillions of dollars worth of services for free! Often ignored and derided in society.

9. Not to talk of the women out there combining work, school and motherhood!

10. There are women breaking cultural moulds and doing it quietly, today is for you!

11. Choosing to be more than just an appendage to a man, forging their own path even when nobody approves.

12. And to the women out there that feel under appreciated, worn out, tired and defeated on many days, today is for you!

13. Happy International Women’s Day
1. So after making mouth for weeks, it’s finally time for you to show everybody what you can do in the kitchen.

2. Especially since you have been criticising everyone else’s cooking.

3. This is you, entering the kitchen with pride and confidence.

4. When people ask you if they can help, you’re like:

5. This is you, suffering to cut all the onions by yourself now that you’ve done shakara.

6. When you forget you handled a lot of raw pepper and then touch your face.

7. When all of a sudden the food you are cooking starts looking like sacrifice.

8. Then the smell of the food is more of an odour than an aroma.

9. Meanwhile, all your friends and family are looking at you, like:

10. And you are wondering who you offended.

11. Now everyone is waiting for their food, like.

12. Then you finally bring out the rubbish you prepared.

13. And everyone laughs at you, like:
1. So it’s Sunday morning, and instead of allowing you rest your mother has started her wahala!

2. First, she starts singing praise and worship off key, because she is a professional alarm clock.

3. While you’re still finding your bearings she starts shouting about church.

4. This is her face, when you say you’re not going.

5. This is you, by the time she has finished “advising” you to follow her.

6. When you’re ready and she starts attacking your clothes.

7. Meanwhile, you’ve noticed she’s still not ready oh!

8. Then you go and change and you are all waiting for her like:

9. When she’s ready and then starts acting like you have been wasting her time.
Junior Chamber International Ten Outstanding Young Persons (JCI TOYP) programme is a formal way of recognising young people that excel in their chosen fields.

The awards have existed since 1983, and have honoured 200 people from more than 50 countries.

There are also JCI national awards and some of the Nigerian recipients have included Japheth Omojuwa, Gbenga Sesan, Kanu Nwankwo and Linda Ikeji.

On the international platform, Nigerian recipients have included Ray Ekpu (1988), Dr. Modupe Osho (1996) and Dr. Ola Orekunrin (2013).

Global Honourees are nominated by the national awards committee also get to be honoured in person at the yearly JCI World Congress. This year’s edition is slated for Amsterdam in Netherlands on November 8, 2017 with an all expense paid trip for nominees.

There are 10 categories, including medical innovation, cultural achievement and business/economics/ entrepreneurial achievement.

So if you know someone that is currently doing incredible things in their chosen field, what are you waiting for! Nominate them HERE…
1. So at the beginning of the year, you said you were going to be healthier.

2. You determined to become a card carrying member of FitFam.

3. In fact, some of your friends joined you!

4. But it’s now February and no one is to be found!

5. It’s just you, lone soldier.

6. This is you, running your bumbum away in the gym.

7. Your former comrades are laughing at you, like.

8. Every time you see rice, bread or cake you can’t have, you’re like:

9. Meanwhile you’re not sure this might have been the best idea anymore!

10. All your clothes don’t really fit anymore.

11. And there isn’t any money to buy new ones.

12. People in church keep asking you if you’re suffering.

13. And your mother believes you are rude because you no longer eat all her food.

14. But keep doing you, dying in the gym and saying no to rice.

15. When you reach your final form, they will all know!
1. When everyone starts asking for your husband or wife 20 minutes after your graduation.

2. When you are till looking for a job but your parents behave like you are just playing.

3. When all the job offers are looking for a fresh graduate with 2 years experience.

4. When you see your salary offer, and it’s at least 50% less than you expected.

5. When everyone in the office treats your boss like one alpha and omega, you’re like:

6. Now that you have a job, this is you when your mates are talking!

7. When you are already tired of life in the office one month into your job.

8. When you find out how much partners are earning and it’s like your salary is not up to their lunch allowance.

9. When people start trying to borrow money because they heard you have a job.

10. This is you, torn between a miserable working life and happy unemployment.
1. Having to go to work everyday, instead of chilling and sleeping.

2. When you have to live on a budget as opposed to splurging like your inner big boy.

3. Your Nigerian passport, that doesn’t allow you go anywhere without a visa.

4. One million of hours of traffic, every single day.

5. That boyfriend/girlfriend that won’t let you find happiness with someone else.

6. The current inflation rate, that is holding back your flexing levels.

7. The fact that Wizkid has not yet given us another album.
1. Since Trump became President, Americans have not allowed the rest of the world hear word.

2. Everyday one palaver after another.

3. Are they the first?

4. Today they say he wants to ban everybody.

5. Tomorrow, it’s that he wants to use his office to make money.

6. So are they too good to manage corruption and incompetence?

7. The rest of us around the world doing it, do we have two heads?

8. Then they started complaining that Russia interfered in their election.

9. But hasn’t America been interfering in all the elections in the third world since 19whatever?

10. Did we die?

11. Okay many people died, but we are still here!

12. But wait, did they not vote for the Trump man?

13. So what’s all this crying and shouting?

14. This is all of us, laughing at the fact the we don’t have the monopoly on bad and nonsense leadership.

15. Welcome to the club, America!
1. When someone serves you just one piece of meat, you’re like:

2. When you already have your own boyfriend, but then you meet someone that’s cuter or richer.

3. This is you during any sales online or in store.

4. When your friends want to start making other friends.

5. But when they complain you’re making too many friends and no longer have their time, you’re like:

6. When someone tries to give you indomie that is anything but hungry man size:

7. When you get only one souvenir out of eight at a wedding, you start complaining, like:

8. This is you when people have the guts to call you greedy just because you want more out of life!

9. Is it your fault they have such low expectations?

10. Besides, don’t they know…
1. This is you, about to travel and leave your company inside deep debt and wahala.

2. All your employees are like:

3. Then you extend your holiday and the whole office is like:

4. Everyone tries to get in contact with you, but you’re like:

5. Now, the company Managing Director is running around trying to keep things together.

6. One day, one meeting, like:

7. Meanwhile, you are busy sharing pictures of all your different visitors while on holiday!

8. Even people that are meant to be in the office come and do “solidarity visit”.

9. Meanwhile you’ve not called the office oh!

10. Even ordinary text, nothing!

11. Anyway, please come back oh, and stop behaving anyhow!
According to our Minister of Information, Alhaji Lai Mohammed, a whistle-blower rejected commission from recently recovered N1 billion loot.

The reason for rejecting the loot, was because the whistleblower believed he was simply rendering a service to his nation.

That guy must be a real patriot sha!

Just to clarify, 5% of 1 billion is 50 million.

Somebody rejected 50 million because of patriotism. In this same Nigeria!

This is us, thinking of all the things we can use 50 million naira to do.

This is us again, wondering how we can become whistleblowers and get offered big money.

This is still us oh, wondering whether Alhaji Lai is frying dodo for us with this gist.

Would you reject that sort of money?
1. Every day people talk about the friend zone and being friend zoned like it’s a bad thing.

2. But there are many benefits oh!

3. Oh, you want to argue?

4. No problem, let us tell you some of them!

5. You get all the benefits of a close friendship.

6. Without the wahala of a relationship.

7. This is you on their birthday or any other special occasion, when you are under no obligation to buy presents or spend money.

8. You can waste their time and energy emotionally but guess what, “just a friend”.

9. Their family loves you, a lot of times more than their actual partner.

10. You get to irritate people for free, especially their partner.
1. When you have to pretend to care about people and their problems.

2. When someone tells you their boyfriend is cheating and your first instinct is to laugh, like:

3. When you don’t feel sorry for crying babies, instead you’re like:

4. When your friends always use you to deliver harsh messages, because they know your heart is made of stone.

5. When you see people fall down, you’re like:

6. When your boyfriend tells you he loves you, but you’re wondering how that one is your business.

7. When someone thinks just because they’ve apologised, everything can go back to normal.

8. When people say “I’m disappointed in you”, you’re like:

9. This is your permanent mood, at least on the inside!
1. All the shops selling “Val’s day gift” as if it’s not normal items in red packaging!

2. All the restaurants that suddenly think their food is romantic and extra special. Let’s hear word please!

3. All the people that claim in their own relationship, “everyday is a holiday”.

4. People that started dating 30 minutes ago, but are now professionals in loving and being loved.

5. People that claim they don’t care about the day, but have been talking about it since January 14.

6. Broke people, that think we don’t know it’s because things are tight “valentine’s day is very frivolous”.

7. People with too much money, who spend hours talking about their plans for the day.

8. People that are not sure of their relationship status, so keep asking every Tobi, Emeka and Ahmed whether or not they should buy a present!

9. People that are tired of each other, but are still dragging themselves because “long term relationship”.

10. Peple that have not finished minding their own business, but want to mind yours.

11. And those people that played and won Diamond Bank’s Shoe Game.

Do you want to pepper everybody on Valentine’s day? Take this test to show everybody how Valentine’s day is done.

Take this test to show everybody how Valentine’s day is done.
1. So it’s another February 14, and you are here again.

2. Just looking and looking because you’re single.

3. Your frenemies have been asking, “What are you up to?” like they don’t know the answer is “Nothing”.

4. And your social media is full of mockery of single people on Valentine’s Day.

5. To avoid unnecessary stress, it’s important to plan because failing to plan is planning to fail.

6. Make sure you create plenty of unnecessary work for yourself, even though it’s a Sunday.

7. Because an idle mind is the devil’s work shop.

8. Block that ex that always finds a way to start useless conversations, especially on holidays, special days and birthdays.

9. Before desperation lands you in a sticky situation for another 8 months.

10. Then bring your own lunch, so you wont have to go to eateries and see everyone with their lover.

11. When your colleagues try to crack valentines day jokes, just look at them like:

12. And when your parents try to use your single status on valentines day to talk about marriage, just tell them:

13. You, the next day, when all the noise is over and it’s back to normal:
Over the last few weeks, there’s been an urgent cry from the people of Rivers State, especially Port Harcourt residents, concerning some severe environmental pollution.

@TouchPH @FMEnvng @channelstv @obyezeks #TheBlackSoot the weather in Port Harcourt is foggy due to black soot pollution. pic.twitter.com/3MasXmdebr
— Akuchukwu (@_Akuchukwu) February 8, 2017

According to residents, the air has been contaminated by soot, a black powdery or flaky substance.

For those of you wondering, it is not yet clear what exactly is causing the soot in the air, but it’s usually a result of the incomplete burning of organic matter.

This means it could be caused by illegal burning of crude, poor standards by refineries or poor waste management of crude materials.
This Port Harcourt resident shared an alarming picture of what the air looks like.

Port Harcourt is currently under an atmospheric attack. The air is polluted. Join in the campaign #stopthesoot PIC: Port Harcourt at 8.am pic.twitter.com/ep0qVBHQpw
— KoksNation. (@koksnationn) February 8, 2017

Another resident, shared this picture of polluted rainwater, just to give an idea of the severity of the situation.

this is RAINWATER not ENGINE OIL. PH in serious trouble from black soot #STOPTHESOOT @Oddy4real @iykimo @karibiba @akaebube 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇 pic.twitter.com/31rfoAuGn5
— Deji (@bobskino) February 8, 2017

The health implications are extremely terrifying!

If #blacksoot can accumulate so quickly and visibly on skin and other exposed surfaces in PH, God knows what it is doing to the lungs!
— Amara Nwankpa (@Nwankpa_A) February 8, 2017

Someone was kind enough to create some management tips till the situation is looked into by the relevant authorities.

As for government intervention, the Minister of the Environment, Amina Mohammed, has indicated that the government is fully aware and working on it.

I experienced it first hand after a couple of hours at Songhai Farms. We are on it. pic.twitter.com/kunSfq4ROg
— Amina J Mohammed (@AminaJMohammed) February 6, 2017

Na wa for this Nigeria sha, one day one trouble

And what makes it more shameful is the fact that the people of the Niger Delta region, where most of this country’s wealth has come from continue to suffer one environmental calamity after another!

We sympathise deeply with the people of Rivers State and hope that both the Federal and State government respond quickly and effectively to this environmental disaster.
1. Having lunch at the office at the office can be stressful!

2. Or it could be a comedy of errors!

3. If you pack food from home, there’s the stress of having to prep the day before…

4. Or wake up earlier than normal to prepare your meal.

5. Then you get to work and amebos are asking “what is in your cooler”?

6. Please, even if it’s human head, are you the one that’s going to eat it?

7. Then there is the wahala of finding food if you don’t pack lunch.

8. When the buka with affordable food is dirty and noisy.

9. But the nice and classy restaurants price their food as if you told them you want to eat a last supper!

10. Then you have some colleagues that bring the worst smelling concoctions to work in the name of lunch.

11. And the “fitfam” ones that don’t allow anyone hear word because of the leaves they are eating.

12. You, when people try to bond in the office canteen:

13. When people still expect you to say “come and join me” as if the recession is not affecting everybody.

14. When you say “come and join me” and one moron eats half your meat and almost all your plantain.
1. Whatever calamity NEPA/PHCN tries to place on you any given day.

2. Your boss is insulting you for laziness even when he hasn’t paid salaries.

3. Your ex-girlfriend telling everybody the demise of your relationship was due to erectile dysfunction.

4. When your mother in law calls family meeting on your head because you burnt ordinary beans.

5. An empty bank account, because that one is a tragedy not a joke.

6. Your husband having a baby with your junior sister.

7. The exchange rate madness, especially if you’re a business person.
1. When you are rolling in pain and they are busy asking you questions calmly as if you are not about to die.

2. When the doctor is smiling at you like a predator so you know your life for the next few days is ruined and stinky.

3. When they say your problem is a “minor issue” but their bill is still a major headache!

4. When they bring out a big axe after telling you “it’s just a small injection”.

5. When they don’t warn you about the terrible taste of some medicines when they ask you to take them.

6. When they introduce you to some human beings that are meant to be nurses but they behave like witches.

7. When they say “small surgery” as if such a thing exists.

8. When they start asking you about next of kin so now you know they are colluding to kill you.

9. When you feel better and want to thank your God in peace but the doctor starts looking at you somehow.
1. So we saw that there was going to be a protest and we decided to attend.

2. Because to be honest, we are freedom fighters and patriotic Nigerians.

3. Also, there was no light in the office!

4. So we carried camera and marched to the National Stadium, like:

5. When we got there and saw all the security personnel, we were like:

6. We quickly ran inside to stand with our fellow “bloody civilians”.

7. Before somebody will chop slap on top of “fighting for our rights”!

8. When we saw the low turnout, we were confused oh!

9. Because everybody on social media was forming “Young Fela” and freedom fighter!

10. But now we could not find them.

11. Even the musicians and celebrities that were using all their power to type in CAPS on social media.

12. Their activism apparently na audio oh!

13. We dey hear am, we no dey see am!

14. Before we could say “When is daddy Bubu coming back” it was time to start walking!

15. We walked from the national stadium to the national theatre with panache and style.

16. And whenever anyone asked us which media house we were from, we said with pride…

17. After some time we realised the police and extra security were there to make sure it didn’t get out of hand.

18. When one of the speakers said “we will fight for Nigeria even if we have to die”, we were like:

19. Sorry please who is writing list of die-makers can they remove our name?

20. When we got back to the office all our colleagues were like:

21. Because we were sweating like christmas goats, and so tired we just collapsed in the office!

22. They were just jealous, because they don’t have what it takes to be real freedom fighters!

23. And do you know the fantastic thing?

24. There was still no light in the office!
1. So out of nowhere your oga decides to travel.

2. First he says it’s a family issue.

3. Then small time he changes mouth and says it’s for a much needed holiday.

4. Next thing, you hear that it’s a medical issue.

5. When you ask what type of medical issue, he’s like:

6. Okay no problem! What of a return date?

7. Small time his PA starts saying he has spoken to someone, who has spoken to someone who has spoken to him, and all is well.

8. So even oga’s PA too no longer has direct access!

9. Meanwhile oga is uploading snazzy pics on facebook.

10. Making new friends and feeling funky!

11. The long and short of the story is, which day are you coming back sir?
1. So everyday someone calls you troublesome or stubborn.

2. And you really don’t think you’re that bad…

3. Or are you?

4. Just because you don’t answer people when they mispronounce your name.

5. And you don’t laugh at those awkward, rubbish jokes in the office.

6. And when something is going on, you prefer due process, which apparently wastes time.

7. So, because you are a normal person, people now say you have wahala!

8. It’s not their fault, people don’t have sense, and you do!
1. So if you are someone that doesn’t like to stay in one place.

2. You like visiting! Which means food, friends and family time!

3. But before you go and disgrace us….

4. Allow zikoko teach you how to be the perfect guest.

5. First of all make sure you are actually invited to the place you are going to oh!

6. Also, it’s better not to go empty handed. Buy a gift!

7. Don’t start fighting the caterers or waiters because of small chops.

8. Don’t overstay your welcome please, after 2 hours carry your wahala and be going.

9. Don’t be dragging remote control with the owners of the house.

10. If you use their toilet, please flush oh!

11. And finally, make sure you say thank you for the invite oh!
1. When you try to explain to your conservative friends what casual dating is, they’re like:

2. When mumu people mix up casual dating and casual sex.

3. When you’re just trying to have drinks and someone starts mentioning “future”.

4. When there aren’t that many places to go so you have to start calculating how often you can go to one place with different men.

5. When someone catches feelings you didn’t ask them to.

6. When your parents start giving you the side eye because they haven’t heard the same name twice.

7. When you start mixing people up, because heavy rotation.

8. When you bump into someone you went on a date with in the past, while on another date.
1. When you bump into a cute guy at store only to hear “abi you’re blind”.

2. When you lean in for the first kiss only for someone in the background to shout “ashawooooo”.

3. When you kiss in the rain and now you have a cough and cold….

4. … And your weave is still itching 4 days later.

5. When he tries to run after you in the airport only to get slapped by a soldier for “trying nonsense”.

6. When his mother doesn’t like you and instead of saying “I love her mum” he gives you red card.

7. When the romantic music in the background is Terry G’s “Knack you akpako”.

8. When you pour your heart out in the dramatic scene only to hear “so that’s why you are shouting”?

9. When you try to do “if you love him, let him go” and he doesn’t come back…

10. .. But is getting married instead, to one girl with a bigger bum than you.

11. When you quit your job to chase your dreams but this is Nigeria so your dreams cannot do anything for you.

12. When you try to go on a long romantic drive only to enter 4 hour traffic.

13. When you meet the love of your life and now his girlfriend is subbing you on social media.

14. There are no young, rich, handsome AND single men here. All are married.

15. If you think we are lying, try and live your life like a rom-com in Nigeria. We will be here to laugh at you.
1. All those new year resolutions that tried to kill you, like working out every day and cutting out rice.

2. Onigbese friends that have a PHD in owing you money.

3. Your ex that thinks because it’s the month of Valentines he can slip into your life.

4. Unplanned aso-ebi and hen night shenanigans, because you can’t kill yourself.

5. Fighting in the comments sections of blogs with people you don’t know.

6. All those “my dog doesn’t bite” friends with their 3 hungry Rottweilers.

7. Bosses that owe salary with confidence.

8. Family group chats where your single status is discussed every other day.
1. So what did you eat today?

How is that one your business?
2. Can you hear me?

No oh, he is deaf.
3. Was there traffic on the way home?

This question is especially foolish if you live in Lagos, there is always traffic!
4. So what was the last thing I just said?

Mumu, this is not an interrogation. Drop the phone!
5. I saw your ex today.

That’s how people use their own hand to scatter their relationship.
1. When someone says something that irritates you but you decide to let it go.

2. When you start making excuses in your mind for people.

3. When people say you don’t get angry, but on the inside, you’re like:

4. This is you, getting so angry you start crying because you’re avoiding an argument.

5. When your best friend upsets you but you still can’t argue.

6. When you see people getting into confrontations and getting resolutions.

7. When after all your peace keeping, people still get annoyed that you never fight.

8. The day you finally let out everything you were holding in, you’re like:
1. The fact that you have to wake up super early, like you offended your ancestors.

2. No matter how early you wake up, traffic is waiting for you, like:

3. Then your boss thinks he can stress you anyhow because of one ordinary salary!

4. And you can’t focus on important things like gisting with your friends and sleeping.

5. Nobody pats you on the back for working hard all week because everyone is working too.

6. And your co-workers don’t have the decency to not be annoying.

7. Then people still want you to try and have a social life in addition to all that wahala.

8. And the fact that you have to repeat it for 5 days straight, week after week.
1. When you have a party to attend in a few hours and you’re already excited.

2. Your friends and even your enemies start messaging you to make sure you’re coming for the event.

3. Even dressing up and getting ready is exciting for you.

4. Then you roll into the party, like;

5. And everyone is sitting around just looking, like:

6. So you go over to the DJ to get things popping!

7. And then get your friends to the middle of the dancefloor.

8. And before you know it, the party is jumping, like:

9. And your work is done!
1. If a boy stands next to you, or holds your hands nothing major will happen.

2. There is a time of the month it’s easier to get pregnant, when you’re ovulating.

3. Have you ever heard “just the tip” before? It’s a scam and don’t try it.

4. What you decide to do with your body, especially sex, is primarily your decision, not anyone else’s.

5. It’s okay if you decide to be abstinent, but you still need to learn about contraception and your body.

6. Lying about your sexual activity to your doctor doesn’t help anybody, especially you.

7. There are many, many Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Sexually Transmitted Infections you need to learn about.

8. Having period irregularities is quite common, just make sure you go to see a doctor.

9. Sexual urges are very normal, and mean you are extremely healthy.

To get a lot more information about sex and sexual health, there is an amazing new app called “Frisky” to help you make better-informed decisions.

It’s easy and simple to use, with the added advantage of protecting your privacy if you’re a bit shy when it comes to speaking about these issues. You can download the app here!
1. So you must have checked your calendar today hoping to see something other than January…

Like payday, or that it’s your birthday!
2. But unfortunately, we are still in January!

Can you imagine?
3. What kind of nonsense stress is this?

We already have enough problems!
4. How are we still in January?

Someone tell me please!
5. It feels like it has been January for six months!

At the very least!
6. So why is the calendar still counting days in January?

Maybe there is an error somewhere.
7. Meanwhile, your bank account is like:

Something that has been empty since December!
8. And you are already tired of the month, and all it’s wahala!

Stress levels through the roof!
9. But for some reason, January has refused to go away!

Why?
10. We just want to use this opportunity to beg this unnecessarily long month…

Please, please and please!
11. Come and be going please! We are all sick and tired of you!

Thank you fo your co-operation!
1. The one who brings everyone together and organises the hang out.

2. The funny one, that always has a silly story for everyone to laugh at.

3. The spiritual firecracker, that can pray for all of you from today till next year.

4. The busy one, that you all have to make an appointment to see.

5. The popular jingo, that knows anybody and everybody.

6. The amebo, that always has funky gist for the group.

7. The troublemaker, that’s always ready to enter wahala on everybody’s behalf.

8. The lover-babe, that is either in love or heart broken at any given time, never normal.

9. The hustler, with 2 jobs and 6 side hustles, she can hook you up with anything you need.

10. The fashion mama, forever dressed to kill and ready to slay.

11. The suspicious one, that doesn’t trust anybody including herself!

12. The confused one, that never knows what’s happening.

13. The rude one, that talks to anybody anyhow.
1. When PHCN thinks people will refer to them as PHCN even though still exhibit NEPA behaviour.

2. When there is no light to pump water, so you have to start fetching water in your area.

3. When you have to charge all your electronic gadgets in the office because the only light in your house is from torchlights.

4. When your fridge has turned to a cupboard because there is never light.

5. When you have to sleep without light and your room is like a sauna.

6. And now the mosquitoes are using your body as a buffet.

7. When you are still paying for cable but there is never light to watch it.

8. When you find out how much diesel is now and your wallet starts shedding tears.

9. When you can finally afford petrol/diesel for your generator and then the rope cuts.

10. And PHCN still has the guts to bring ridiculous bills for you to pay.
1. When you are arguing with a policeman and then you realise you don’t have your driving license.

2. When your mother asks you if she looks fat in a dress and you say yes.

3. When you tell your mother-in-law her food is a bit salty.

4. When your dad asks you where he should keep something and you ask him to put it on your head.

5. When your boyfriend asks you if you love him and you say “not yet”.

6. When you lie to your best friend that her make up slays and she offers to do it for you.

7. When your aunty is getting carried away in church and is adding jara to her testimony and you start laughing.

8. When your dad asks if you remember your uncle and you say “oh you mean the one you said is a scammer”.

9. When your friend asks you if her baby is cute and you say “well it depends on the angle sha”.

10. When your boyfriend asks if you love him more than your ex and you say “well…”.
1. When someone recommends a new tailor to you and you have hope.

2. But as usual, they are just prepping you before they start their madness.

3. When you hear these words “I can sew it ma”…

4. … Just know that your tailor is going to use your fabric to practice.

5. When you choose your own style and the tailor just decides to remix it.

6. When the tailor takes your measurements but then decides not to use them.

7. When your tailor promises you an outfit on a certain day, just add 3 months for peace of mind.

8. When you’re annoyed and shouting your tailor, she just stares at you, like:

9. When your tailor starts hanging out with bad gang and decides to start charging foolishly.

10. When you have to start chasing your tailor for your own clothes.

11. When you finally abandon a useless tailor and he/she starts calling you to ask where you are.