Itohan Esekheigbe, Author at Zikoko!

Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

How did you meet Yinka?

Bimpe: She shot a friendship shot at me. In February 2022, she DMed me on Instagram that she’d been following me for a while and thought I was really cool. She ended by saying we stayed around the same place and was wondering if we could be friends. I should’ve known from the shot that she was a weirdo, but I wanted more female friends so I was excited.

I’m a very friendly person, and I’ve met a lot of interesting people on social media, so I wasn’t opposed to the idea. I’d travelled to Abuja, so we used the time I was away from Lagos to text each other for a bit. I wanted to know if we had anything in common before we hung out.

We seemed to hit it off immediately. We had so much in common it was almost unbelievable. We shared similar goals and views about the world. I thought I would finally have a friend I could do things like go to the gym and run errands with.

So you met up with her?

Bimpe: Yeah. Two weeks after we started texting. It was supposed to be a quick lunch, nothing longer than an hour, but we stayed there for hours. We exchanged stories about our lives, drank and laughed a lot. The other people in the restaurant were looking at us strangely, but I didn’t care. I thought I’d found the next best thing to happen to me.

We spent so much time together after. Since we lived in the same area, we’d attend events from one person’s house because it didn’t make sense to arrive separately. My parents knew her, and I knew hers too. In fact, we’d gotten so close so quickly that about two to three months after we met, we started attending each other’s family events. If she didn’t come for one, my parents would be upset. She was my best friend.

When did you start noticing the change?

Bimpe: About four months into our friendship. I’m a very social person, and because Yinka was my best friend, I dragged her along with me to many places. When we’d go out, it suddenly felt like she was trying to outdo me. She’d always try to make me the butt of jokes even when it wasn’t called for.

Once, at a beach party, someone complimented my bikini, but she was quick to point out that my makeup really tied the look together and that she did my makeup for me. Apparently, I’d have been so ugly if I did it myself. There was no reason for the comment. She just wanted to make me feel small. Luckily for me, I’m a very confident person. And I didn’t even notice anything before this beach incident. I think some people are just weird.

The next time we went to the beach, she was wearing the same bikini the person complimented. What kind of sick behaviour is that?

Ah

Bimpe: That’s another thing she did a lot. Copy my style. If someone complimented my hair, she’d buy the same wig or do the same style. If someone complimented an outfit, she’d buy it and post pictures of herself in it.

One time, I went on a date to a restaurant, and the next day, she had a date in that same restaurant. She even wore a similar outfit to the one I wore for my date.

Coincidence?

Bimpe: At first, I thought so, but one day in July, she’d just gotten her hair done — knotless brown box braids, and she looked really cute in them. The next week, I did layered braids in blonde because I hadn’t made my hair in weeks. Just wigs and vibes. Tell me why two days later, she posted an Instagram story from my hairdresser’s salon. This babe went and did layered braids too but in brown. Two days after I did mine? It was giving “obsessed”.

Chelsea c’mon nau

Bimpe: I decided to set a trap for her in August when I travelled again. I wanted to really know if she was copying me.

I removed everyone from my close friends list except her then I posted a picture of hair on the floor on my story and typed “big chop” over it. I actually got the picture from when one of my other friends cut her hair.

A couple of days later, Yinka had cut her hair, claiming she was starting a new journey. When I got back to Lagos from Abuja the next week, she came to pick me up from the airport with my parents and was visibly shocked when she saw my afro. I just did as if nothing happened.

When we got back to my place, she asked about my hair. That’s when I let her have it. I told her to get out of my house and reported her to my parents so they don’t make the mistake of reaching out to her.

Detective doings

Bimpe: It was actually scary. When I told my other friends about it, they said that whenever I travelled, she tried to talk to them or initiate hangout sessions. They agreed because she was my close friend. It was as if she wanted my life. Never again, abeg.

Did she ever reach out after that?

Bimpe: She did. She claimed she was mentally ill, but I just sent her the number of a psychiatrist and blocked her. You can’t be weaponising mental illness in 2023, especially considering she never cared how what she did could’ve affected my own mental health. RELATED: Sunken Ships: The Elections May End, but My Uncle Will Remain Blocked
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

The subjects of this week’s Love Life, Mofe (25) and Tunta (23), have been together for a year. They talk about how they almost didn’t get together because of her ex, and how even though they’re both polyamorous, they aren’t looking to date other people right now.

How did you meet?

Mofe‬: We met on Twitter in November 2020. I want to lie that she moved to me, but it’s me. I’m the one who took my eyes to the “market”. I slid into her DM barely five minutes after discovering her Twitter profile for the first time. I found (still find) her incredibly interesting, and I was very excited to get to know her better.

Tunta: I’d tweeted about how I take terrible selfies, and he said he wanted to take terrible selfies with me. I was like, “Who is this one now?” but I clicked on his profile and saw a fine boy. I also saw that we had a few mutuals so I responded. It was his avatar that made me even open his profile. I wanted to see the picture properly.

‪Mofe‬: We had mutuals?

Tunta: Yes. Just a few.

What did you think when he DM’ed you?

Tunta: I thought he just wanted to sleep with me. He’s a designer and it was a field I was getting really interested in, so I thought he wanted to use that as scope. I even told my friends that.

Mofe‬: They even gave me a nickname because she thought I wanted to use design to sleep with her, meanwhile what I was feeling felt like romance. I was a little apprehensive about leaning in fully into my romantic intentions. It’s the internet; things aren’t always what they seem to be. But I wanted this romance I felt to be what it seemed to be, A LOT. She’s a lot more than that idea I had in my head. She’s my favourite person to explore and explore life with.

Tunta: Mo the Explorer. God, when?

Mofe: See as I dey do romance for you. You no do any romance o.

Tunta: I’m shy, please.

Please, don’t jump. We need the steps that led to the exploration

Tunta: Well, I replied his DM, and with every conversation we had after, he seemed to care about me as a person, wanting to sleep with me aside.

Mofe‬: Add everything together.

Tunta: So, while he didn’t straight up say, “I want a romantic relationship”, his DM didn’t seem completely platonic to me.

‪Mofe‬: It wasn’t.

Tunta: But I was in love with someone else at the time and wasn’t looking for another romantic connection.

Did you tell him?

Tunta: I didn’t mention it because I didn’t feel the need to. The other guy and I had stopped talking when Mofe messaged me. But we started talking again then started dating in May 2021, so I told Mofe about the guy. He knew Mofe because they have a mutual friend, and for some reason, this Mofe boy was telling everybody about me.

Why were you telling everyone about her?

Mofe: It was love, but it wasn’t blind. It was certain. I’ve always been confident about the depth of the connection we shared. The love is absolute, and I’m not even being cheesy.

Tunta: I love you.

‪Mofe‬: I love you too.

You people have jumped again

Tunta: LMAO, sorry. I felt a connection too, but not romantic. I’ve cared about him since we met. There’s just this “Jenny say quan” to him. However, as time went on, we weren’t talking every day anymore because he was terrible at texting, I wasn’t interested in phone calls and he had a lot going on with school. I also think because we hadn’t met yet, he was less willing to talk.

You hadn’t met yet?

Tunta: I wasn’t keen on meeting him in person at first because I felt he went out too much and would give me COVID. There were like three different times we were supposed to meet in January/February, but something always came up on my end.

I wanted to invite him to my sister’s wedding in April 2021, but I thought it would be weird. We didn’t talk much again till the beginning of 2022.

Back to the relationship you got into in May

Tunta: The relationship ended a month later.. After, I posted something about how I still wanted to try a non-monogamous relationship on my WhatsApp status, and Mofe said I should mention it to my partner. I was like “I don’t have”.

Mofe‬: Scope to check if my suspicions were true.

Tunta: Mofe said he hopes I know he’d try non-monogamy with me. I said I do. Unfortunately, two weeks later, me and the other guy got back together. We broke up again in October, and I almost didn’t date Mofe because my ex once implied I’d cheat on him with Mofe. I thought it’d look weird.

So what changed your mind?

Tunta: The New Year of 2022 made us talk. I started ranting about the thing with my ex and how it doesn’t seem like we’re broken up even though we are. If I remember correctly, I actually told Mofe it’d be somehow if we get into a relationship because it’d be like I’d been talking to him to the whole time and “giving him hope”. He asked why I cared what it looked like or what the other guy thought, especially considering everything he’d said and done.

Mofe‬: I thought if it was stressing her that much, it was definitely not healthy for them to keep talking, but I also knew it was easier said than done. Feelings mostly just don’t disappear; detachment is a process.

When did you finally meet?

Mofe‬: On my birthday.

Tunta: He said he wanted to spend his birthday with me o. I didn’t want to go at first because I thought where he was staying at the time was far.

‪Mofe‬: It was far as fuck.

Tunta: But I went. Despite all the nonsense that tried to stop me that day. Do you believe my car got seized?

Mofe‬: That driver is an opp. I’m sure he somehow set you up.

Tunta: Some law enforcement officers stopped the driver and I and said we entered BRT lane. We didn’t, but okay. They sha seized my car. I was discouraged and in a terrible mood.

‪Mofe‬: When she got to me, she was frowning because of the annoying journey, but I was smiling because “see fine girl”.

Tunta: I wanted to knock you. I was wondering why he was smiling like that when I was annoyed.

God, when? What did having that meeting do for both of you?

Tunta: It made us start seeing each other at least twice every week. Then it became once because he stopped working remotely.

‪Mofe‬: It gave all it was meant to give. At that point, I just knew this is who I want to be with for life.

Tunta: God, abeg.

‪Mofe‬: I don’t think she realised it as quickly as I did, but she caught up.

Tunta: You’re right. I have no idea when I realised I’d fallen for him. It just clicked one day that I was in love, but it was on his birthday I realised there was something there and that I could be in a relationship with him. Mo on the other hand has been in love since.

‪Mofe‬: Yep, for a while. My love is very patient.

Tunta: God, am I the fattest bone?

‪Mofe‬: I don’t remember a specific time, but I knew I was in love. I wasn’t gonna be in those crush-type situations where it’s consuming you and the person you’re in love with just dey vibe dey go sha.

I didn’t think telling someone who’s in a monogamous relationship you loved them was useful for any of us. If it was gonna happen, it would.

And it happened! But how?

Mofe‬: We started dating in February 2022. At this point, she’d briefly met both my parents during my pharmacy induction, and I’d met her mum during the times I went to visit her in her house. We kinda knew where it was going, but I was stalling until I could take her out on a proper dress-up date to pop the question.

Tunta: Earlier in the month, he had said “we’re already together in my books” and I asked him what kind of book that is. He was like we’re already together, but he wants to do the whole dress-up date.

‪Mofe‬: Her own love no dey patient.

Tunta: Get out. We became official the day he met my dad. My dad was like “Are you going out?” That was his way of him asking if we were in a relationship. We said yes. Then later I was like “oya ask me out” because I knew he wanted to. He asked me to be his girlfriend, then I asked him to be my boyfriend. 2FA.

‪Mofe‬: I told her I’d think about it, but when I asked she said yes immediately.

Tunta: Liar. You said, “I already am”.

Mofe‬: Even though.

You’ve been together for a year. Can you tell us what you love most about each other?

Tunta: There’s a lot o, but let me try to make it short. He’s already pretty great but is always trying to be better. Plus, he’s a good friend, and he just gets me.

Mofe: The first thing that drew me to her as an individual is how kind she is. She’s very funny and thoughtful. When I was looking for a new job, she kept sending me vacancy announcements. She just puts you in her mind. I feel very loved by her. I’m her biggest fan and I love her very much.

I just wish she didn’t doubt herself. She’s a very confident person but sometimes she starts to question herself and when she gets into that funk, it’s sometimes hard for her to get out of, but she’s taking risks now and trying to get better.

Tunta: Being with him has made me a better communicator. The fact that he’s easy to talk to and doesn’t make me feel irrational even when I might be definitely helps. There were times before we became official that I thought I was giving him too much information, especially when I was talking about my ex, but I wanted everything out. Let everybody know what they’re entering.

I’m mentally ill, and I had a breakdown recently. I was saying absolute rubbish, but this guy didn’t make me feel like I was.

I’m happy I replied his DM because he’s a great person to have in your corner, and I’m extra happy I eventually caught up with him on the romance end. I love how we make each other better.

Did you still do the non-monogamous relationship?

Tunta: Yes.

Mofe‬: I’m polyamorous, and so is she. It was a mutual decision. We set up certain “rules” to guide us in navigating it. I think the effort we made to create a relationship where we could tell each other literally anything has made the open relationship seamless for us.

Do you have plans to date other people?

Tunta: Not at the moment but dynamics can change. We just have to talk about it.

Mofe: Exactly.

On a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your love life?

Tunta: 100.

Okay, I’m joking. A 9. He’s very beautiful and supportive. He has a positive outlook on life. The one I removed is because we’re not where I want us to be yet, and it’s because of both internal and external factors like finances.

Mofe: I’ll say 9. There’s always room for improvement. This is the best my love life has been since I’ve known myself. I’m having the time of my life with my favourite person.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Tell me about first impressions

Jane: We met in law school in February 2020. We stayed in one of co-ed hostels in Lagos. Jay’s room was across from mine, and I’d befriended his roommate before I actually started talking to him.

Jay: In law school, we were put into different groups. A mutual friend of ours was in my group; the babe introduced me to Jane as a “Brostitute” — combination of bro and prostitute.

Jane: He might look like a player, but when you take your time to get to know him, you’d see he’s the sweetest person ever.

Jay: When I met her, I couldn’t care less about her.

Jane: Wow.

Jay: I came to law school to read, not to be following women up and down. Unfortunately, the pandemic hit and we were all asked to go home for seven months. When we came back, I started talking to two women, but Jane wouldn’t stop calling me Brostitute outside. It wasn’t really good for my reputation.

Jane: I’d forgotten his actual name. I saw him at the shopping mall and wanted to say hi. So I had to call him that, and he answered me.

Jay: What reasonable person calls someone Brostitute in broad daylight?

Jane: It was night…

Jay: Doesn’t change anything.

Was that how you started talking?

Jay: Not really. As she mentioned earlier, she started talking to my roommate first, and he brought her to the room a couple of times. I didn’t understand what was going on between them, but I’m very interested in other people getting into relationships. I decided to push them together, and I did a good job. Sometimes, I’d lock them in a room in hopes that something happens. Something did happen, but they kept behaving like children, so I was the mediator. It evolved into Jane and I being study partners.

Why study partners?

Jay: Well, we technically never studied together, but she had all the past questions for the courses we were taking, and I’d come to law school to pass. I’d go to her room occasionally to share past questions and compare notes. The strange part was when she started locking me in her room with her.

Jane: Wait, don’t say it like that. I heard one of his voice notes. He’s a public speaker with a good voice; his voice was very deep and nice. I asked this man talk to me like that in real-time. He did it once, but I wanted more, so I locked him in until he did it again. There was nothing romantic about it.

Jay: Mind you, she was already dating a new guy while she was locking me inside rooms and demanding for me to speak. Because I’m a very God-fearing and respectful guy, I didn’t pursue anything with her and started talking to another girl. But Jane was ruining another woman’s chances of being with me. Whenever the girl came over, Jane would suddenly make herself available to scare her away.

Jane: I wasn’t scaring anybody away o. After our final exams, while everyone else was packing and getting ready to leave, we waited till the last day to pack. Since we were already friends, we spent a lot of time together. One day, the girl he was talking to came to the room while I was on his bed and we were watching TikToks together. When she saw us, she turned and left. Honestly, I tried to feel bad for her, but I couldn’t.

Jay: Jane and I got a lot closer after the exams ended in March 2021. We had nothing else to do, but instead of this babe to go and meet the man she was dating, she was following me everywhere. I really pity the guy.

Jane: As if you were not flirting with me. When your other friend came to hang out with us, he asked us at three different points if he should leave the room for us because the tension was a lot.

When did you both act on this tension?

Jay: I think the first time was when she asked me to teach her how to choke people in the bedroom.

Jane: No, no. It was self-defence. I was in his room, we were talking when I mentioned I was a good fighter. To prove it, I tried to choke him. He told me I wasn’t doing it right and got on top of me to show me how. It was close contact, but there was nothing sexual there for me.

Jay: I was trying to understand her motives because while we were in this room, instead of staying on different beds, she kept staying on the same bed with me. The choking for me was to figure out how far she was willing to let me go in terms of touching her.

Jane: When I’m comfortable with someone, I express it through physical touch. There was nothing romantic or sexual about it for me. I was just letting him touch me.

However, on the last day of law school, there was a bit of sexual tension between us. Jay and I were cuddled up, then he said, “Should we make out or play a game?”

Jay: I’d gotten frustrated with all the mixed signals.

Apparently, she wanted to make out with me, but she chose playing a game instead. After playing the game, she asked me if we should address the sexual tension.

Jane: I was trying to downplay how I was feeling but I was curious and wanted to shut him up. While he was talking and talking, I grabbed his face and kissed him.

But did you guys take it further?

Jay: Yes, but everything came to a grinding halt when I went to her place. Jane didn’t live in Lagos, but after law school, she got an apartment to stay for a while and invited me to stay with her. The first day I came around, her boyfriend called and asked to come over. She told him no, that she had a guest.

Jane: But were you not a guest?

Jay: While I was there, she was trying everything within her power to get me to break and make a pass towards her.

Jane: It’s not that deep.

Jay: First day I came to see her she wanted us to watch American Pie 1 and 2. Who does that?

Jane: You hadn’t seen it before. I was doing you a service.

Jay: And you barely wore any clothes.

Jane: It was my room; I was being comfortable.

Jay: And you asked that we play a game you made up, where you can do anything to me but I can’t touch you in return.

Jane: Jailer. It’s a game I like. I made him promise he won’t try to do anything with me.

Jay: Because she didn’t trust herself.

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Did you keep the promise?

Jay: Yes, but things changed when we had to go to Abuja to get called to bar. Since I didn’t do my hoe phase in law school, I decided to do it in Abuja. With clearance and the actual Call to Bar ceremony, we had to be in Abuja for about a week.

So, I went around asking my female friends if they wanted to stay with me through that period. I’d asked Jane as a joke, and she turned me down, but a week to the thing, she called to change her mind and I agreed.

Jane: He planned on keeping his own end of the promise, but I’d already forgotten about it.

Jay: The bed in our hotel room was small, and this woman had already changed into boxers and a tank top, so my strength was being tested heavily. On the first night, nothing happened because I kept to my own. The second night, I kept to myself again. She even wrestled me to the ground. I had to remind her of the promise.

Then on the third day, she told me to forget the promise and just see how things went.

And how did things go?

Jay: Well, after the Call to Bar ceremony, she asked if I wanted to make it serious. I agreed, but I was half-and-half because she was still dating this other guy. Two weeks after we started dating, she told me she broke up with the other guy.

Why did you break up with the other guy?

Jane: He’d gone to Canada and I didn’t see the point in pursuing an already failed relationship with someone that’s not even in the same country with me.

I never told him that we were breaking up because I cheated. When he found out I was dating Jay, he thought it was one of those rebound situations.

Are you scared history might repeat itself?

Jane: Yes, and so is everyone we tell the story of how we met to. All his friends think there’s a large possibility I’d do the same thing to him. But I knew deep down that the relationship with my ex wouldn’t last because we started dating during the pandemic when he’d already processed all his papers to travel. I’m not big on relationships so it’s not like I was with Jay because I was lonely in law school or anything. I have genuine feelings for him.

For a long time, I thought the same way our friends did, that I might cheat on him too. But I’d never do anything to hurt his feelings.

Even with the less-than-ideal foundation, I look back at what we have and I smile. I love him.

Jay: I’ve told her she has my permission to cheat on me. When she comes back, she should tell me about it, then we’d stop dating and start being best friends.

Jane: He’s a toxic guy, don’t mind him.

Tell me things you love about each other

Jay: She’s always doing the most. It’s rare for a lady to spend so much of her money on you. She still spends my own money, but she’s always ready to give me something too.

When I was trying to work my NYSC to Lagos state, she wanted to financially contribute even though we didn’t know if what we were paying for would work. My birthday is in a couple of days, and I’ve been begging her not to spend anything on me, but she’s probably already spent more than my entire salary on gifts.

Jane: I have.

Jay: Wonderful. She’s amazing. My favourite gifts from her are my Samsung Galaxy buds and glasses (because I’m constantly staring at my screen). She also got me a painting of myself. My parents love it so much, it’s hanging in their house.

Jane: I love buying him gifts. His ex never really did that for him, and I like that I have an opportunity to take care of him like that. I’m very attracted to his mind. He’s so intelligent, and he takes care of me. I have particular ways I like to eat food, so he orders me food I can eat.

What’s the end game for both of you?

Jane: That’s a very stressful question for me, and I don’t know how to answer it.

He’s from Kogi, and his parents love me, but I’m Igbo. His parents are not fans of Igbo people. They don’t say it to my face, but they tell him and he tells me. My dad could be convinced, but my mum was scared when I told her he’s from Kogi state. She didn’t like the idea of me dating from that part of Nigeria. Now, she asks about him just to show she cares.

We’re just basking in our love and taking one step at a time. We don’t see ourselves breaking up any time soon.

Jay: I don’t like thinking too far into the future because there are so many uncertainties. In this japa economy, it’s very unlikely Jane will be in Nigeria for long because she’s too brilliant for the trajectory this country is moving towards. My parents, on the other hand, aren’t too keen on sending another child out of the country because the last one they sent, they never heard from him again.

But rather than endangering the entire relationship based on these variables, we’re choosing to just enjoy each other’s company.

On a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your love life?

Jane: 8. There are uncertainties, but we’re in a good place.

Jay: Before we did this interview, we planned an answer to this question. We planned to say 5.

Jane: I’m sorry, I forgot.

Jay: Our relationship didn’t start on the best note, and there are certain sides of us that aren’t compatible. So it was supposed to be my five and her five to make it whole, but she didn’t stick to that.

Now, I’ll give it a 7. We need God’s grace and time. I don’t think the relationship can be considered a 10 because it hasn’t lasted long enough. It needs to weather the storms and be used as a model for other people’s relationships. Till we get there, we’re at a 7.

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Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

In this episode of Sunken Ships, Kiki* (22) shares why she blocked her uncle and how it goes beyond supporting different candidates.

What was your relationship with your uncle like pre-elections?

Kiki: Pretty normal. You know how in every Nigerian home, there are different kinds of uncles? The rich ones who always give you money, the stingy/broke ones, the one you’re convinced is a pervert, the cool one and the rest? He was one of the rest. A bit younger than my dad, but not young enough that we had things we could relate to. His children are also younger than me, so we didn’t have much to talk about.

However, we weren’t enemies. I spent holidays in his house, and when we had family events, we had proper conversations. He didn’t treat me like a child who didn’t know anything, but he provided support only someone older can give. He’d send me articles he read and thought I was interested in so we could talk, but he also sent those ridiculous BCs and bulk messages on Whatsapp. He was okay, and so was our relationship.

How did the fight start?

Kiki: I won’t call it a fight, but we started having issues over WhatsApp. I hardly use the app, but that day, I decided to check people’s statuses. That’s when I saw that he’d put up the poster of a particular candidate running for President. I swiped up to have a conversation with him because I couldn’t believe who he supported. I wanted to know his thought process if any. He didn’t reply immediately — probably because of work — but we eventually had a conversation.

The words he sent that day shocked me. I wanted to scream at him, but I maintained my peace. We had this long back and forth that ended with me blocking him. I didn’t have the strength, and he wouldn’t change his mind.

A week later, while I was out with my mum, she stopped by his house. When we got there, he brought up the fact that I’d blocked him to my mother. It’s one thing for him to support someone who’s incompetent, but to report me to my mother over it? I lost it. I reminded them that I’m an adult and can decide I no longer want certain people to have access to my life. My mother told me it didn’t make sense for me to fight family because of politicians. That people have a right to vote and campaign for whoever they want. I told her it’s more than that.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship

Explain

Kiki: If someone doesn’t align with my values, I can also choose to remove their access to me.

It’s not just about picking a different candidate. I think that’s very reductive of the issue. You can disagree on the policies of different candidates. Candidate one wants to increase tax by 5%, and candidate two wants to reduce it by 3%. Or one candidate wants to make Lagos the capital of Nigeria, while another wants to make Edo state the capital. These are differences you don’t have to cut off friends and family members over.

But he’s endorsing a corrupt, terrorism-affiliated, allegation-heavy candidate whose policies might as well lead to the end of my life. I’m upset that he supports someone who’ll most likely make millions of people suffer. I have every right to choose to no longer associate with someone who willingly chooses death and suffering.

It shows his beliefs and values align with said candidate. If the candidate he supports has made degrading comments about people from certain tribes, it means my uncle feels the same way. If the person is known to align with thugs and thieves, then that’s something my uncle stands for. I don’t stand for those things, so why should I keep him around?

What’ll happen after the elections?

Kiki: Nothing. He’s still blocked and will forever remain blocked. Why should he remain in my life? He’s been reporting me to family members, and they’ve called and begged, but that’s their business. I don’t know why they think my uncle and I must talk by force.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Didn’t Like Him so We Broke Up
Nigerian Women should get away with everything simply because they’re women. However, it’s now International Women’s Month, so they should get away with even more things.

We’ve compiled a list of things women should be forgiven for doing in the month of March.

Not ironing their clothes

Why do you want women to keep doing physical labour? They’re already underpaid and overworked. If they say they’re not ironing their clothes this month, free them!

Biting their partners

Being a woman is hard work. Let them take sustenance from you.

Having a breakdown

Sometimes, the things you plan in your head don’t work out in real life. While other people might think of something else when this happens, women tend to break down. This International Women’s Month, there’s a lot of extra pressure on women. So if they break down, let them.

Collecting their partner’s food

If she asks you for your food, give her. You can’t tell a woman no during International Women’s Month. That’s sexist.

Carrying tiny bags

Women are already carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Why do you want them to carry even more stuff?

RELATED: 6 Things That Can Fit Into Women’s Mini Bags

Eating like armed robbers

Food makes women happy. Women should always be happy. Even if it means waking up at 3 a.m. to turn semo. If it sparks joy, let them cook!

Arriving late to everything

They have to look their best, and that means spending extra time prepping. Our motto this month is, “The women were not late; the event was just early”.

READ ALSO: My Husband Woke Up One Day and Decided to Join Politics
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

Lolade* (29) and Amarachi*(29) have been best friends for over a decade. Their friendship almost ended when Lolade started dating Osas*.

How did you and your best friend meet?

Lolade: We met in church 13 years ago. It was Sunday school. There was a quiz competition for teenagers. We tied for first place and have been conquering the world together every day since.

That’s adorable

Lolade: She’s one of the best things to ever happen to me. When I broke my leg and had to walk around in a cast when I was 19, she called herself my personal assistant and did everything for me. Picking up my pens that fell, helping me do the dishes at home and loosening my hair. We made promises to each other early in life that we’d stand together no matter what.

Sure, we got into arguments a couple of times, but we always tried to resolve it despite being very stubborn. The one time it seemed like an argument would last longer than a couple of hours, our parents got involved. They sat us down and reminded us about how much we love each other.

How did the guy now enter into all of this?

Lolade: I met Osas in 2021. I had gone out to a restaurant to eat alone because Amarachi was in a meeting with an international client. As I sat alone, trying to enjoy my own company, the waiter brought me a drink I didn’t order. When I tried to explain that it was a mix-up, she informed me that someone had sent it to me. I asked her who it was because I wanted to thank him, but all she did was give me his number on a piece of paper. That he said if I wanted to thank him, I should call him. I won’t lie, I was kind of impressed. Things like that don’t happen to me every day, so I was curious to see it through. When I got home, I sent him a text thanking him for the drink. That’s how Osas and I got to talking.

Was it love at first text?

Lolade: Not really. I mean, I don’t fall in love with people that easily, so I don’t think I’ve ever had a “love at first “ anything. I did however grow to like Osas. We went on a date about a week after the drinks thing and it was the first time I was meeting him face-to-face. Amarachi went to the restaurant we were to have our date at about thirty minutes before me so she could step in if he turned out to be a creep or a weirdo. Luckily for me, he didn’t try anything on the date. He was very respectful throughout the date and he made me laugh a lot. At one point, I texted Amarachi to meet me in the bathroom and we had a mini-session where I just filled her in on how the date was going.

The conversation I had with him was great and I didn’t want that night to end. Amarachi and I had planned a movie night that day and that was the only thing stopping me from going home with him. It was a long time since I had a date with a man that made me feel as good as he did.

Then what?

Lolade: Well, we kept talking. We’d go on dates, he’d buy me gifts and flowers, etc. He was very determined in his pursuit of me. I liked it. I’m the firstborn and apart from Amarachi, nobody really took care of me. They all just expected me to “handle it”. Having someone who was intentional about making my life easier really made me fall fast. Two months after talking, he came over to my house one day to do my dishes because I was too lazy to do any housework. I fell for this man hard.

We started dating three months after our first date. I became a “my man, my man, my man” kind of girl. Every opportunity I got, I was talking about him and how amazing he treated me. I was in love with him.

What changed?

Lolade: Amarachi didn’t like him so much. Throughout the talking stage, Amarachi told me she had a bad feeling about him. Now, Amarachi is more spiritual than I am so she believes in auras and reading people’s energies. Not really my type of thing, but whenever she does it, I leave her to her devices. However, I didn’t understand why she couldn’t like him. She’d always complained to me that I settle when it comes to romantic relationships, so I didn’t understand why she wasn’t excited there was a guy finally treating me the way she had always wanted for me.

Whenever I mentioned I was spending time with him, she’d try to change the topic as quickly as possible. If I was telling her about something nice he did for me, she’d end it with a “that’s nice” and keep it moving. It was a side of her I hardly ever saw and it made me start keeping things about him from her. I’d lie about who I was spending time with and talking to and I knew she knew I was lying, but she never pushed. It started creating a divide.

Damn

Lolade: It made me start withdrawing from her a lot. We used to have brunch every Sunday and I started skipping it a few times. Our calls became shorter and since I was almost always at Osas’ house or he was at mine, we didn’t have our sleepovers anymore. Our lifetime friendship was slipping away right before my eyes and I did nothing about it.

Why?

Lolade: I got too attached to Osas. He was doing everything for me and I liked how he made me feel. For the first time, I considered marrying someone. It felt like he was my one true shot at a fairytale life and I didn’t want to let it go.

When I told Osas about the whole Amarachi situation, he told me she was jealous of me. That since she’s the one used to having different guys shower her with attention, she didn’t know how to react to seeing me in a loving and thriving relationship. He encouraged me to stay away from her and ice her out from a couple of things and me, the olodo that I am, I did.

Amarachi didn’t stop reaching out to me. She’d text, try to call, she even emailed me, but I was not answering. One day she showed up at my office and demanded to see me or else she was not leaving. I know her, and I knew it was not an empty threat, so I went to meet her. She shouted at me in front of everyone. Called me an idiot for letting a man come between us and threatened to beat sense into my head if I didn’t act right. She reminded me of when we promised each other that we’d never argue because of a man and that here I was, refusing to speak to her because a man asked me to. Honestly, I was a bit disgusted at myself for that. Truly, how?

That’s when I realised that all the things I was hyping this man for doing for me, Amarachi did. She’d come to my house when I have cramps, read me bedtime stories, clean and cook. When my car was bad, she drove me to work every day even though she worked from home. She bought me flowers and even flew me out of the country once because I had complained about being exhausted from work. I think the day she showed up to my office knocked sense into my head.

What did you do?

Lolade: I broke up with him. We had been dating for almost a year at this point and were even planning to move in together. But right then and there in the office, I sent him a text saying we needed to end our relationship. I knew the right guy for me will be someone my best friend will love wholeheartedly and if she didn’t, then he was not the one. I cried a lot that day but Amarachi was there, holding my hand through it all.

Wow. That’s a lot

Lolade: That’s not even the end. A couple of months later, I found out that he was arrested for fraud. Amarachi was so tickled when she found out. She still rubs it in my face that she saved me from having all my assets seized. That I’d have been using my money to hire lawyers for a criminal. I can’t imagine what would have happened to me if we were dating when he got arrested. We’d have moved in together and they’d have seized my house. What would I have done? Now, I take her gut feelings more seriously than I ever did. Before a case of “hath I known” will be my portion.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Stopped Talking to Her Because She Was Broke
If you’ve searched for love in all other places in the world, but the Lord revealed to you that the office is where you’ll find it, congratulations. However, to prevent you from finding love but losing your source of money, here are some ways to handle office romance without getting caught

Make sure you’re in different departments

Why will you date a team member? Do you want problems for yourself? If they don’t do their work, it’s you they’ll call to help. It’s giving secondary school.

Don’t wear their clothes to the office

You might think your coworkers won’t notice, but they will. Stick to your own clothes, and if the two of you mistakenly own the same clothes, unown it.

No pet names

Better stick to their government name throughout the duration of the relationship. If not, you’ll accidentally call them “baby” at the office, and then what?

Have a side thing so people don’t suspect

Talk about your other partner all the time. That way, people won’t suspect you and your coworker have a thing.

Do nothing together

Even if you plan to leave the office together, enter separate Ubers to a location where you can switch to the same ride. And make sure the two of you don’t arrive together to company parties or events.

Don’t talk about your dates on social media

It’s the easiest way for people to piece that you hang out outside the office. Even if they don’t realise you’re dating, they’ll have their eyes on you.

Deny everything

If all else fails, and you get caught, deny everything. Lie today, lie tomorrow, lie forever more.

RELATED: Love Life: I Reported Her to Our Manager, Now We’re Married
With the naira redesign and ensuing shortage of cash, many are now stuck with old notes. If you’re one of such people looking for what to do with your old notes, we’ve got some ideas for you.

Give El-Rufai

He’s still saying people should keep using the old notes, so just give them all to him. Let him change it for you.

Trade with an akara seller

Food has cost, and times are tough. Old notes are the new old newspapers, so why not try swapping them for some akara? At least, if you can’t buy food with them, you can use them to collect food.

Rag

Harmattan is kuku back so there’s more dust. CBN saw this coming and introduced the naira redesign just so you can use your old notes to dust your clothes and shoes.

RELATED: The Real Reason Why Harmattan Is Back

Handkerchief

When you can’t put on your AC because there’s no fuel, use the old notes to clean your sweat and tears.

Sew cloth

If you can’t afford the ₦25,999 Adedoyin dress those ~~money launderers~~ fashion designers sell on Instagram, use your old naira notes as fabric for new clothes.

Make a wig

Is it in this economy you want to be spending ₦150k on bone straight bob? Better tear your money and get to wigging.

RELATED: Why Wigs Are so Damn Expensive — According to Amaka

Wrap your notebooks

Brown paper is hard to find these days, so use your old naira notes as an alternative.

Keep for your children and grandchildren

Let them rate you as the parent or grandparent who cares about teaching them Nigerian history. You sef, don’t you want to tell someone, “Back in my day”?

RELATED: What Nigerian Banks Should Do Since Banking Isn’t Their Calling
Yinka* (27), the subject of this week’s Sunken Ships, reduced her friend group from four to three girls, after cutting one off for constantly feeling entitled to their money and trying to garner pity by emphasising how much less than them she earned.

Talk to me

Yinka: I once cut off a friend because she was broke.

Ah

Yinka: When I say it like that it sounds terrible, but it was more than that. She was very annoying because she was broke.

Please explain

Yinka: So we’re a group of four babes who went to the same university. Me and Uche were roommates in 2015, so we knew each other longer. The third, Toyin, was a coursemate of mine I got close to later that year, and the fourth, Halima, we met at a party in 2016. It’s been the four of us since then.

We made promises to each other that we’d always stay in touch. We envisioned a life that allowed us to travel and wear expensive clothes like the girls we saw in magazines. It’s not like it was impossible. All of us came from middle class families so the plan was to build on what we already have.

How did that work out?

Yinka: Not so well in the beginning. We left school in 2017, and it was bad job after bad job for all of us. Add in some failed businesses and investments and it was a disaster. Life was hitting us back-to- back.

Damn

Yinka: Things didn’t start looking up until the middle of 2018. I got a new job and so did Halima. Uche decided that a 9-5 wasn’t for her and started her own business, and Toyin got a promotion at her job. It was great.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Wasn’t Her Emergency Wallet

What made it so great?

Yinka: We could finally do some of the things we’d planned to do since we were in university. We started going to parties together and buying tables, planning vacations within Nigeria and having movie nights in our houses. It wasn’t big things, but it was great.

We also got to show up for each other in better ways. We’d give each other expensive bags and household items for birthdays and other important dates. I loved how our sisterhood improved when we had money.

But nobody sounds broke here

Yinka: That’s the thing. Being broke is a state of mind for some people, and Toyin was one of such people. As the years went on, we started making even more money. We really poured a lot of what we had into our work and it showed great results. However, since all fingers aren’t equal, some people earned more than others. As at 2021, Toyin earned the least.

We never brought up it, but she did. Constantly. We’d go out for dinner and Toyin would automatically declare that we shouldn’t expect anything from her since we’re the rich ones. It was ridiculous because someone would’ve already said the meal was on them before we even went to the restaurant.

Other times, it’s when we wanted to contribute money for a gift for one of us. She would start complaining that we’re giving gifts that are too expensive. She’d borrow money from us and never pay back, collect all our expensive items and never replace them. We didn’t understand what was going on.

What if she was struggling?

Yinka: We asked her about work and even offered help on many occasions, but she just acted weird about it. It almost always ended up in an argument where she hinted we were calling her poor.

We once gifted her six months rent so she could at least save the rent money for something else. But throughout that period, she still made weird jokes about how much less she earned and stuff. I started to think she preferred that both her money and ours was spent on her alone. But it’s not how friendship works.

Did you ever talk to her about it?

Yinka: I did towards the end of 2021. My other friends are very soft people. I’m the more direct one about things like this, maybe because I’m an aries. I pulled her aside once and told her the jokes were weird. It’s not like she even earned much less than we did. It was just a small margin, but she kept trying to make it as though she were dirt poor.

What happened next?

Yinka: She flared up and told me I was wicked. This led to her kind of withdrawing from the group and I just stopped talking to her completely. We still talk to her as a group, buy her gifts, send her flowers and stuff, but for me to text her personally? Not at all.

Her attitude to earning less was the problem. We didn’t mind giving. She just seemed too entitled to it.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Was Too Much of a Bad Bitch for Him
Some people might attribute the return of harmattan to global warming. But what do they know? Do they know more than us? We’re here to tell you the REAL reason why harmattan decided to stage a comeback in the middle of February.

Elections are coming

Do you really want to vote in extreme heat? No, you don’t.

You complained

Every two to three business days, there was a Tweet complaining about how hot the country is. Now, your prayers have been answered. Someone shout glory!

The last person to go to hell closed the gate

We’ve been this hot because people always leave the gate open when they get to hell. And the heat from the fiery pit finds its way to Nigeria, their Earthly branch. Now that the last person to go closed the gate, we can enjoy a country that isn’t trying to use heat to kill us.

RELATED: 8 Reasons Why Hell Might not Be so Bad

Skin was getting too ashy

People were using the heat as an excuse to stop rubbing cream. Mother nature took offense and decided to get involved. Now, if you don’t take care of your skin, you’ll look like a goblin. She’s giving us tough motherly love.

Valentine’s Day is over

Harmattan started after Valentine’s Day because it didn’t want to give people an even bigger excuse to commit sin. In the scorching heat, some people stayed away from all appearances of evil.

Fuel is scarce

You can’t put on your fans and ACs anymore, so harmattan came back to relieve some of the stress. Now, you won’t have a heat stroke during the day.

The sun is tired

The sun has been putting in the work these past couple of weeks. It has burned tirelessly, and now, it needs a break. That’s why it invited harmattan over for some support.

RELATED: Interview With Harmattan:”I Come Like a Thief in the Night”
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Valentine after Valentine, you find yourself struggling to get the person in your life to stick around. Do those who get back-to-back money towers have two heads? They don’t (We’ve checked). So your story can change.

Here are some ways to get someone to spend several Valentine’s Days with you, tried and trusted by our Love Life couples.

Love Life: I Went to Her House Every Day for a Year

As long as whoever you want to see is comfortable with it, then you should definitely go to their house every day for one year. It’s just that, the people who did this didn’t have phones, but now, we do. Still, a gesture is a gesture.

Love Life: I Moved to Be Closer to Her

Drop whatever you’re doing and move to your lover’s street. That way, you get to spend every waking hour together and can be doing Valentine left and right. Be warned that this couple had already been dating for two years before they pulled this stunt.

Love Life: We Finally Met Up Because of Christmas Chicken

Step 1: Buy Christmas chicken. Step 2: Post that you want to sell it, on your WhatsApp status. Step 3: Meet up with the person who offers to buy the chicken. Step 4: Fall in love and live happily ever after. It’s almost too easy.

Love Life: We Became Lovers by Accident

Easiest way to get a forever Valentine is by accident. Send a bunch of messages to the person who’s entering your eye, but make sure one of those messages is a dating proposal. Pray they mistakenly say yes.

Love Life: He Cooks, I Eat. We’re a Complete Package

If you can’t cook, find someone who can. If you can cook, find someone who loves to eat. You too deserve a missing rib.

Love Life: “We Are Married but He Needs to Propose”

In most marriage stories, there’s a proposal. But not for Ada and Kingsley. They had sex one day and Kingsley decided he would meet her parents. At the meeting, the parents started dropping dates for introductions. A couple of months later and they’re married. Straight to the point with no time to waste. That’s how you get a forever Valentine.

Love Life: “We Found Love in a Hopeless Place”

What we learnt from this Love Life story is more people should sit inside empty, dry gutters. The love of your life might just be tempted to join you inside.

Love Life: We Started Our Relationship With a Lot of Lies

When starting your relationship, lie to everyone, especially your parents. Never lie to the person you’re with though. Or that’s where the problem will start.

Love Life: We Were Best Friends in Secondary School But Now We’re Both Married

If you had a best friend when you were in secondary school, we advise you start looking for them now. If you didn’t have a best friend, you may have to go back in time to get one. That way, you’ll have someone you can do friends-to-lovers with.

Love Life: We’re Roommates Who Fell in Love

Your decision to live alone could be what’s standing between you and getting a forever Valentine. Your destiny might be to fall in love with your roommate, but you wouldn’t know for sure because you’ve decided to live alone. Move in with someone today.

Brought to you by LOVE LIFE
What’s better than one cute love life story? Ten sappy ones. We’ve compiled a list we know will satisfy the cravings of your inner romantic.

Love Life: We Found Our Way Back to Each Other After 35 Years

They found each other when they were teenagers but parted ways only to reunite decades later. Not only do they show you can find love in old age, but they also managed to reignite a love from many years ago. I guess if it’s meant to be, it’ll find its way back to you no matter how long it takes, because it’s yours.

Love Life: 26 Years and We Have no Regrets

People hardly ever mention a farm when listing the cutest places to meet the person they’ll spend the rest of their life with. Maybe it’s why they’re single? Because this farm meeting led to a 26-year (and counting) marriage. The biggest problem they faced? Navigating a long-distance relationship at a time when phones weren’t a thing.

Love Life: I Moved to Be Closer to Her

Not everyone is lucky enough to find their soulmate at a young age. That’s why when 22-year-old Lade needed a new place to stay, moving close to her girlfriend was the only sensible option. Now, they get to spend as much time as they want together while her girlfriend is with her family. A win for all.

Love Life: We Found Out We Have Chemistry in a Chemistry Lab

The doctors of tomorrow are finding love during chemistry class. But we’ll let it slide because of how cute they are. From keeping seats for each other in class to reserving space in each other’s hearts, this story highlights the beauty of a young love that happens while studying a demanding course.

Love Life: We Bonded Over Our Love for Music

What do a songwriter and musician have in common? If you said “music”, you’re right. Taiwo and Abisola started a relationship on the foundation of shared love for music. They go to concerts together and introduce each other to new sounds and artistes, finding new ways to combine their love for each other with their love for music.

Love Life: We’d Been Committed to Each Other Long Before We Started Dating

Sometimes, all it takes is one person to make you realise you don’t want anybody else. As soon as Uyai and Ayo met, they knew they didn’t want to add more people to the equation. Months before they even started dating, they’d made a promise to themselves and the moon (which, for some reason, got involved in this).

Love Life: He Wouldn’t Go to London Without Me

One thing about loving intentionally is including them in your life plans. Michael* took it one step further by only taking jobs that’d allow for his girlfriend to leave the country with him. Funny what a “friends with benefits” situation can lead to.

Love Life: It Took Us 9 Years to Fall in Love

There’s slow-burn friends-to-lovers romance, and then, there’s whatever happened to Esther and Chika. After meeting each other in church at the age of 18, Esther didn’t realise she’d fallen in love with Chika until nine years after the friendship began. Unfortunately, he didn’t immediately feel the same way. A classic tale of she fell first, but he fell harder. Hits you in the feels every time.

Love Life: It Took Us 7 Years to Have Our First Child

Picture this: A good church-loving girl meets a bad cultist boy. They fall in love and he gives up his bad ways for her. Now, they want to build a family together, but she can’t conceive. At that point, all they had was each other. So even when people tried to mock them for not having a child, they got through it together. Pretty cute.

Love Life: I Reported Her to Our Manager, Now We’re Married

We all love a good office romance, but what about one where they only got closer because he reported her to their boss? They also had to navigate a father who didn’t like him and threatened to get him arrested. Not just that, there were two failed wedding proposals, but their love conquered all.

Brought to you by LOVE LIFE
How do you love a person with intention? Is it through gifts, giving them good experiences or sacrifices? To fully understand how, we asked couples across generations to tell us how they love each other intentionally.

Listen to their needs

To love someone intentionally is to listen to what they need and provide it for them. You love them, but you don’t know them more than they know themselves. Circumstances affect their needs, so you have to constantly ask and listen.

My boyfriend sometimes has moods that make him want to run away from it all. On some days, he wants peace and quiet to deal with his emotions. Other times, he wants me to hover around him and remind him of my existence by constantly checking in on him. Because he might not need the same thing at every point in time, it’s important to listen to him and give him what he thinks works best at that moment.

— Gbemi* (20) and Femi* (21)

Love them how they want to be loved

Sometimes, how you want to love someone and how they want to feel love are completely different. You may like buying your partner extravagant gifts, and they may not be interested in that. Maybe what they’d like is just being in the same space and watching movies together. So if you want to love someone in a way they’ll appreciate, you do what they want.

My wife and I had to learn this. I love to cook, so my way of showing love is by cooking for people. My wife, on the other hand, doesn’t eat a lot. She recognised that my cooking for her was out of love, but it wasn’t what she wanted. She appreciates me sitting with her to watch shows every night much more. That’s why instead of staying in the kitchen for hours for a meal she won’t take more than three bites out of, we watch movies together.

— Anita* (29) and John* (32)

Make sacrifices for them

Love is a constant sacrifice. It doesn’t mean you have to constantly put yourself at a disadvantage to please them, but sometimes, you just do things that may slightly inconvenience you.

My wife and I love suya. We can spend ₦5k on suya in a night. Making sacrifices for the woman I love is sometimes letting her eat more than I do because I know the extra suya will make her happy. It doesn’t have to be big things like donating kidneys. It can be small but impactful sacrifices.

— Israel* (40) and Adaeze* (41)

Love Life: I Moved to Be Closer to Her

Communicate like your life depends on it

A huge part of love is communication. Communicating with your partner shows you’re willing to put in the energy required to make your relationship work. It shows intention. Don’t assume the other person knows what you want. Talk it out so you can work it out.

My girlfriend and I have this thing where we over-explain to reduce misunderstandings to a minimum. If she says A, she’ll explain why it’s A. If she says B, she’ll explain how B came about. I believe it’s helped us show that how we love each other is a choice.

— Chioma* (24) and Bisi* (23)

Go the extra mile to make them happy

You not only have to be deliberate about their happiness, but you should also go the extra mile to bring about that happiness.

My husband is the breadwinner of the family, so he works a lot. He looks forward to the weekends when he gets to relax and not worry about work for a couple of days. For him, staying at home to sleep is enough to give him immense joy, but because I love him and want him to feel the love, I make some of his favourite meals so he wakes up to breakfast. I don’t have to, but I know it’ll make him happy, so I do it.

— David* (36) and Yinka* (33)

Treat them as an extension of yourself

When you love someone, they become a part of you. Yes, they’re still an individual, but choosing to partner with someone means you’re bringing them into your life and adding them as recurring characters in it. So loving them intentionally means carrying them along in things that concern your life.

I can’t make decisions without my husband because what affects me directly affects him. We’re a team. When I wanted to get a new job that paid a lot more but in a different state, I had to talk to him before I accepted it. When you love someone and want to show it, you make them important in your life.

— Fego* (59) and Paul* (62)

Love Life: It Took Us 7 Years to Have Our First Child

Always choose them

In this life, it’s you vs the rest of the world. I’m not saying you won’t have friends, but your partner comes first. They’re the one whose face you have to look at before you go to bed and when you wake up in the morning. Loving them intentionally means making a conscious effort to always choose them.

Sometimes, I get home and my wife and sister are arguing. They love each other very much, but the arguments still happen. Beyoncé vs Rihanna, Talokans vs Wakandans, comedies vs dramas, etc. Every day, without fail, I choose my wife’s side. It got to a point my sister stopped bringing me in as a tie breaker because she knew my answer was always “Whatever my wife supports, I support”.

— Ebuka* (37) and Esohe* (35)

BROUGHT TO YOU BY ZIKOKO LOVE LIFE
Spending Valentine’s Day single? Well, so are Elizabeth* (21) and Tobi* (23), an ex-Love Life couple who were together for two years until 2022. We invited them back to talk about their break up, how they usually spent Valentine’s Day together, and how they’ll spend their first Valentine apart. This is a guide for fellow newly single people.

Why did you break up, first of all?

Elizabeth: We broke up because my head is not correct.

Tobi: I always found it funny we broke up on the 18th of November because we’re both born on the 18th of different months.

Elizabeth: I thought it was the 14th? Anyways, yeah, we broke up because we argued a lot. It felt like we both wanted things the other couldn’t give.

Tobi: Although we plan on getting back together, we want to do a lot of self-work first.

Elizabeth: But until then, bye bye to our two-year relationship.

Tobi: Two years, three months and 17 days. Don’t ask me why I calculated. Just know that I did.

Elizabeth: Problem.

How did you spend Valentine’s Day as a couple?

Elizabeth: The Valentine’s Day before we started dating, I wanted to get them a gift, but they refused vehemently.

Tobi: We were just “friends”. I was scared. Plus, I was so anti-love before we started dating. I was one of those annoying people who wore black on Valentine’s Day and stuff like that. The first one I spent with Elizabeth though, I kinda went all out.

Elizabeth: Since we couldn’t see each other on the day, they came over to my place the day before and we exchanged gifts. Tobi has safe snacks like certain brands of gummy worms and chips they ate whenever they needed to spark joy. So I went to the supermarket near my house and bought as many as I could find. I also got them a fake flower and a shirt of mine they’d been disturbing me for.

Tobi: I did a whole five senses thing. I got her the book version of her favourite movie, a night light because she’s scared of the dark, a shirt that smelt like me because I bathed it in my perfume she likes, chocolate and a teddy bear she could attach to her bag so she had a piece of me with her everywhere she went. We also exchanged cards and spent the day in each other’s presence. Although I don’t look forward to Valentine’s Day, that day with her was sweet and chill.

Elizabeth: The second year, we said we weren’t going to celebrate it. I was in another state, and it felt like too much pressure for us to do something. I took myself out to lunch, but do you know Tobi still bought me a dress?

Tobi: You’d wanted the dress for as long as I could remember.

Elizabeth: I felt bad because I didn’t get them anything in return, but it is what it is.

Now, you’ve broken up. What’s your guide to spending Valentine’s Day single?

Tobi:

Work

Valentine is on a Tuesday and you probably have a job, because I do. If you don’t have love, at least, make money. It may not keep you warm at night, but it can pay for a nice hotel with great heating.

Beg your parents for money

You’re single, but (hopefully) they’re not. The least they can do is give you some money to do something nice for yourself. Also, you’re supposed to be a testament of their love. Testament no deserve gift?

Watch sappy movies

If you’re not spending your Valentine’s Day watching all the romantic movies you can lay your hands on, what are you actually using it to do? Watch Someone Great, Mamma Mia, About Time, Entergalactic, and remind yourself that love exists — it’s just not for you.

Elizabeth:

Cook

The way to a person’s heart is through their stomach. Cook yourself some good food so your heart can be happy.

Jigsaw puzzle

I have a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle with my name on it. I’ll spend the night solving it and having a fun time. It’ll spark joy and keep my brain sharp.

Drink while scrolling through social media

I love love, and I love alcohol. So I’ll get myself a nice bottle of rum or red wine and drink while watching other people gush about their partners. It’ll give me another nice little brain boost.

Brought to you by LOVE LIFE

RELATED: Love Life: She’s Polyamorous But I’m Not
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships is Mercy* (26). She tells us how she had to suppress her bad bitch life because of her ex, Olamide* (28). He didn’t like that she was always outside and knew so many rich people.

How did you meet?

Mercy: Olamide and I met in 2020 at a small New Year’s Eve party. Since the COVID restrictions weren’t completely lifted, it was an invite-only party, but we could all bring plus one’s. He was his friend’s plus one. So there was one guy who kept trying to talk to me. I just grabbed Olamide randomly, and pretended he was my boyfriend. Luckily for me, he went along with it and the other guy bought it. That’s how we started talking that night.

He looked harmless, so I just stayed with him. He told me about anime, tech, crypto, and all the other stuff he was interested in. I wasn’t really into any of that, but he spoke with so much passion that I listened. Plus, he was kind of funny. I had a good time. Towards the end of the party, we exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. We did.

And then?

Mercy: We texted as often as we could and even planned to meet up. What really drew me to him was how different he is from the kind of guys and girls I usually date. Because of the kind of work I do, I’m used to people who want to be as public as possible because of collaboration opportunities and other stuff. He, on the other hand, was a banker who loved to watch anime and read books. A good time for him was indoors just chilling. It was refreshing, and he quickly became a safe space for me for when outside became a little too much.

So what happened next?

Mercy: The first time we went on a date was a week or so after the party. It was to a lovely restaurant I’d been to a couple of times. He said he wanted to impress me, and I thought it was cute. I got there before him because I lived closer to the place, so while I waited, the waiter told me someone bought me a bottle of wine. I’d already had about two glasses when Olamide arrived.

We talked a bit, ate some really good food and even drank the wine together. When the bill came and he asked why the wine wasn’t on the bill, the waiter informed him that it was paid for by someone else. He got upset that I shared a drink with him bought by another man on our date, but I apologised, and he let it go.

Did things like that happen often?

Mercy: Random people buying me stuff? Yes. I won’t say I’m the prettiest girl in Lagos, because babes dey, but I can hold my own. Plus, people with money just like to impress. I didn’t grow up rich, but I grew up around rich people, so I had a lot of connections and certain doors opened for me because of this. I’ve gotten used to being around people who flaunt their money hoping it’ll get something from whoever. But it’s usually because they have nothing else to offer. I take the money or gifts because it’ll make them feel good about themselves, and I get to spend less. Win for everybody.

How did Olamide feel about this?

Mercy: Oh, he hated it. Before we started dating in April 2021, I tried to hide it from him as much as possible. I chalked up most of the perks to being a part of my job but didn’t go into details.

What changed after you started dating?

Mercy: I couldn’t hide the real sources of the gifts any longer. It’s not like I didn’t try, but dating meant we spent a lot of time together, and he got to see what my life was really like — parties, gifts, mini and not-so-mini celebrities and a lot of other things. I tried my best to make him feel as involved as possible, but he made it very clear that it wasn’t his thing and I should just have fun. At first, it wasn’t a problem. I’d text him while I was out and sometimes call him when I get back. Sometimes, I’d go out from his place so he could watch me get ready. When I return, he’d help me take off my makeup and clothes, and we’d cuddle till I fall asleep.

I also stopped accepting every invitation to every event. Being with him made the world stop moving at 1.5x speed. We’d order food in and take turns watching romantic comedies and the anime and thrillers he liked. The first couple of months into the relationship were great.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

When did it stop being so great?

Mercy: I can’t pinpoint exactly when, but I know my birthday in September was a disaster. It wasn’t because of anything he did, but because of everything else that happened. At this point, we’d basically moved into my place together because it was bigger and closer to where he worked.

So on my birthday, he wanted us to have a sit-down dinner at home. He’d cook, we’d dance to some songs from the speaker and do a marathon of movies I’ve been meaning to see. I loved the idea. I hadn’t spent my birthday indoors in about three years, so I was excited. It was a Friday, so he got home earlier than he usually does and met several boxes and bags of stuff in the house. People had gotten me a lot of gifts. Hair, money towers, expensive perfumes, clothes, etc. He didn’t say anything, but with each delivery I got, he got quieter. During dinner and after, my phone kept ringing and buzzing from notifications. I had to turn it off at some point.

The next day, my friends were throwing a birthday thing for me at the club, and he’d agreed to come, but he suddenly changed his mind. He said he wouldn’t feel comfortable there, and I didn’t rate him as much as I did my club and party friends. I was upset he’d think that because I’d turned down so many requests to hang out on my birthday just so I could spend time with him.

I went to the club alone and tried to have fun, but I kept thinking of how sad he must’ve been. When I texted, he didn’t reply. I called, he didn’t pick up. I couldn’t face him, so I told him I won’t be coming home and spent the weekend at my friend’s place.

How did you guys move on from that?

Mercy: I don’t think we really did. I went back to the place on Monday and tried to cheer him up with a gift I got him. It was a sweater of one of the animes he likes, but he barely acknowledged the gift. He just said he wasn’t upset and we just continued living together.

I kept trying to keep things from him to prevent him from getting upset, but that backfired because it made him think I was cheating on him.

Were you?

Mercy: Not at all, but he thought everyone was a suspect. Whenever I mentioned hanging out with a girl or sleeping over at hers, he’d get pretty defensive and angry about it. He even tried to stop me from going out a couple of times, even when he knew they were work outings.

At a point, my friend got involved and staged an intervention for me. She told me that he knew the kind of person I was before he started dating me, and I did all I possibly could to reassure him. It wasn’t fair that I was the one making all the sacrifices and walking around eggshells because I didn’t want to upset him. She rounded it up by saying I was too much of a bad bitch for him so he either had to get with the program or get out.

Damn. That’s a lot

Mercy: Yeah, she’s kind of intense. Would you believe that I didn’t even break up with him after her pep talk? It wasn’t until November ending that I found out he was cheating on me with one of his coworkers.

How did you find out?

Mercy: I needed his phone for a video I was making and she texted. I went through their replies and I was wrecked. I threw him out of my house, blocked him everywhere, and I haven’t been in contact with him since then.

Wow. Any regrets?

Mercy: That I allowed myself change so much for him. Sure, staying indoors is nice and fun, but I chose my line of work because I like to be outside. I like to shake my ass and have fun with my friends. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t like that. It’s too much of an important part of my life.

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Brought to you by LOVE LIFE
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

The subjects of this Love Life are Blessing* and Tunde* who are both 30. They tell us about meeting through work, two failed proposal attempts and how Tunde pulled what he considers the “greatest scam of all time” by making sure they got married on their shared birthday.

Click here if you want to be interviewed for Zikoko Love Life

Did you know you had the same birthday before you met?

Blessing: Well, I did.

Tunde: Because she was stalking me.

Blessing: I was doing my job. On December 31st, 2018, my line manager told me to review the CV of a guy who came highly recommended. His birthday was on his CV, and it was the same as mine. So I checked his name on social media to see what he looked like. In his profile picture, he was wearing a waistcoat, looking like a good boy.

Tunde: I don’t even own a waistcoat. What are you saying?

Blessing: I even forgot about it until February 2019 when he started working in the office. I remember the first day I saw him. He was wearing a blue shirt with grey pants, and I said to myself, “Who is this brother?” He looked like such a church boy. I smiled at him, and we had a chat.

Tunde: Abi, you fell in love at first sight?

Blessing: Lai lai. I did not at all.

Tunde: You won’t sweeten this story to make your life great? Anyways, now that you’ve said your own, let me say my own version.

Blessing: My version is the truth, and all you need to know.

Tunde: When you were talking, I didn’t interrupt you. So let me say my own o.

Oya, Tunde, speak your truth

Tunde: They gave her my CV, and she was blown away so she decided to check me out online. When she saw I was a fine boy, she knew she had to work with me. That’s when she started recommending me to the manager.

Blessing: That’s a very big lie.

Tunde: But our coworker said you fought for me to join the team.

Blessing: Your CV was impressive, and I did look for you on social media, but only because of the birthday thing. I didn’t give a shit if they hired you or not. I just needed to get the work done.

Tunde: We ended up working in the same team and reported to the same manager. Our manager told me you fought for me.

Blessing: You won’t talk about how you saw my big bumbum and became confused?

Tunde: Who told you that one?
Blessing: Your friends did.

Tunde: I remember seeing her for the first time in the office, dark-skinned with her big bum and tiny waist. I was like wow. When I got back home, I had to tell my friends the women in my new office had yansh.

What was working together like?

Blessing: We sat together at work, and I like to believe we were friendly towards each other.

Tunde: In the office, she’d act as if she cares, but when I travel to the North for work, she’d never text to check in on me. I even had a word with our manager about working in a team of people who don’t care about each other. Blessing never called to ask how my trip went even though she knew I had to travel to all these dangerous places.

It’s giving JSS 2. Why did you report her to the manager?

Blessing: LMAO. He wanted me to talk to him, but instead of meeting me as a man, he went to report me to “Big Uncle” manager.

Tunde: It’s not like I reported her. I had a review of culture meeting with the manager in April. Because I typically travelled alone — the company couldn’t afford to send more people — I felt like the team didn’t really have my back. Hers was even more hurtful because we sat together in the office, and she was always tickling me. Then when I travelled, she wouldn’t even bother to find out if I was dead or alive.

Blessing: Sorry nau.

Tunde: Can you imagine. Four years later is when you’re apologising.

Blessing: We weren’t that close then. He was a great seatmate, I won’t lie, but I just didn’t care so much.

How did you progress to being friends?

Blessing: After the manager told me what Tunde said, I started checking up on him. We worked more closely together, and he was fun.

Tunde: And funny. I’m a funny guy.

Blessing: Somewhat funny. He thinks he’s very funny.

Tunde: Not somewhat. No “I think”.

Blessing: He’s a gbef, and it’s his gbefness that makes me laugh.

Tunde: That’s being funny. Do you laugh? Exactly. The thing is that because I’m a funny and fun guy, she couldn’t get enough. She’d call me around 6 a.m. to find out if I was going to the office.

Blessing: That was later when I started liking your big head. Nonsense.

Tunde: Same thing.

Blessing: Please, let’s stick to the questions.

And you both realised it was more than friendship when?

Blessing: After we’d built a solid foundation of friendship in June. We searched for places together while he was getting an apartment. We even used to visit each other on some weekends. It was easy for us to bond beyond the office environment. We also used to come to the office together with one of our colleagues. The three of us would meet at a designated point, so we were in each other’s faces a lot. I started to get these mosquito feeling in my stomach whenever I got a text from him or saw his face.

Tunde: It’s me that’s mosquito feeling?

Blessing: Not you; the feelings.

Tunde: What happened to butterflies? Why mosquito?

Blessing: It started as mosquitos then moved to butterflies. Now, it’s elephants in my tummy.

Tunde: It’s not even cute animals you’re mentioning.

The feeling solidified in August 2019 when she started having issues with a lecturer we can’t really talk about. I didn’t want to see her hurt, so it really hit me that I wanted to take care of her.

RELATED: Love Life: Our Friendship Means More to Us Than Our Love

When did you decide to do something about the mosquitoes in your tummy?

Blessing: I had a boyfriend at the time. We started dating a couple of days before Tunde joined the company, but along the line, we started having issues. The guy and I broke up in October 2019, then Tunde and I started having relationship-type conversations.

Tunde: After she broke up with her boyfriend, she started seeking for me.

Blessing: Oh God.

Tunde: One Saturday in November, I went to see her, and as I was about to leave, I just started gazing at her.

Blessing: I feel like if anyone had carried scissors to cut that tension, the scissors would’ve broken.

Tunde: I wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t want to do it first because I’m a bad guy.

Blessing: So I did it.

Tunde: She told me to come back and kissed me. I knew I would die there. We became kissing coworkers, or co-kissers, if you will.

Blessing: He’d come to the office and there’d be tension. We both knew if it weren’t an office, we’d tear each other apart. But we’re great work partners, so we put all our emotions aside to make sure we got work done.

Tunde: I want to believe the tension helped us with work. We’d want to finish as quickly as possible so we could focus on other matters. I asked her out twice, but she turned me down because she needed time to think after just coming out of a relationship. But when our office closed for the year on December 19, she came over to my place and we spent Detty December together. On the 29th, I asked her for the third time to go out with me. We were in bed together; she said yes.

Blessing: Changed my mind because Detty December made me realise I enjoyed spending so much time with him.

Didn’t your office have a no-dating policy?

Tunde: If anything, our office encouraged it. Everybody dated everybody there.

Blessing: It even produced three married couples.

Tunde: Twice, someone introduced a coworker to their friend or family member, and they got married.

Company or dating site? God, abeg

Blessing: Dating and working together was great because we got to spend a lot of time together.

Tunde: In January 2020, she returned to her place, but honestly, she spent more time at mine than hers.

In February, COVID-19 happened, and we spent the lockdown together at my house. I stayed in an estate in GRA at the time and we had 24/7 electricity. Her place in Somolu didn’t, so it made sense for her to work from my house. The first couple of weeks were really good. We didn’t have any problems, and it stayed that way until we found out her dad didn’t like me. Her parents were really attached to her ex-boyfriend. They thought he was a responsible guy who’d eventually marry their daughter.

Blessing: Then we broke up for no actual reason. And they thought Tunde was this bad boy who was turning my head.

Tunde: Her dad reached out to her in late March to find out how she was doing. She said she was spending the lockdown at home, but he found out his unmarried daughter was living with the same guy he already thought was turning his daughter’s brain. That’s when all hell broke loose. He’s an influential man, so he started threatening to reach out to some top police officers. That’s how our life went from peace and quiet to chaos and confusion.

I was so scared, I had to call my dad and tell him about the girlfriend he didn’t know about. He told me I had to return Blessing to her place so I can get her father’s blessing for the relationship. But it was in the thick of the lockdown, so we had to walk all the way from Ogudu to Bariga before we could see a car to take us to Somolu.

Even Fitfam people don’t do like that

Blessing: When he dropped me off at my place, I had to let my parents know I was back so they could stop all the police talk. But I didn’t want to let him go, so he stayed with me for about a week.

Tunde: I loved he,r and she was really unhappy. I didn’t want to just leave her like that.

Blessing: When he left, he stayed alone for like a week before I went back to his place.

Does that mean you resolved the problem with Blessing’s dad?

Blessing: Not really. There was no light or water in my place, and I needed both to work. My parents live in Edo state, so it’s not like I could go there. They just weren’t seeing that the most sensible decision was to stay in his place and work from there.

Since they didn’t agree to see it that way, I just went back to his place and lied to them that I was still at mine. There was no way I’d endure the lockdown period without light, water and my man. We lived together for a couple of months till he had to move from the mainland to the island for his MBA.

Tunde: I resigned from the company to do my MBA in January 2021. It was a residency program, so I had to leave her at home and move. It was the first time we had to go long periods without seeing each other. So it was catastrophic initially. She was home alone while I was in school doing this high-intensity programme that sometimes had me studying until 3 a.m. I’ll be too tired to speak to her on the phone, and she couldn’t come visit, so we barely spoke.

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How did you get through it?

Tunde: This is the part that made me believe our love was meant to be. A couple of weeks after I started the program, she got a job in an office really close to my postgraduate school. Sometimes, when they gave us lunch in school, I’d take some to her. But that wasn’t enough; we had to get creative.

Blessing: I started sneaking into his room sometimes.

Ah? How?

Tunde: There were loopholes in the school’s rules, and we exploited that. I won’t go into specifics because I don’t want to give the current students expo.

Blessing: I’d sneak from his room to work and then slip back into his room. It was adorable.

Towards the end of 2020, he stylishly asked what I thought of getting married. I freaked out about it because I thought it was too soon. He wanted to meet my parents, and luckily for us, my younger sister was getting married to one of his best friends. They did their introduction in the village and he was part of the wedding party, so he used it as an opportunity to meet my dad.

Tunde: I always knew her dad would like me. The problem was just that he didn’t know me. So before I went to their place in Edo state to see him face-to-face, I wanted to have a conversation with him over the phone to tell him my mind. I told him I was a responsible man, doing my MBA, and was interested in marrying his daughter. After that conversation, we didn’t speak again until her sister’s introduction in May.

How did the meeting go?

Tunde: Do you want to tell them how scared you were?

Blessing: I was shaking. My parents can be quite strict, so I didn’t know what to expect. But he came with his friends, and it went well. He became their sweetheart, although it took my mum a bit longer to warm up to him. She was extremely careful because she didn’t want me to go into the wrong hands. It took Tunde, my dad, sisters and even me talking to my mum for her to warm up to him. Now, they’re besties.

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Let’s talk about the marriage proposal

Tunde: I proposed a few weeks before the official introduction between our two families in August. The proposal was funny because I had to change the venue a couple of times.

The first proposal was to happen at the beach in July. I’d planned with my colleagues to use them as a decoy. I’d tell her my office was having a “bring your partner” beach event. That way, she’d have to dress up and gbam! Proposal. Blessing and I stayed in a small studio apartment, and we never hide things from each other. We take all our calls on speaker, and we know each other’s passwords. With my colleagues in on it, they’d know to slip the plan in so it would seem legit.

Unfortunately, the Saturday I’d planned to propose, I couldn’t get the logistics right, so I moved it to the next Saturday. However, I didn’t tell my colleagues. When they called during the week, they started asking how the proposal went. She was right there so the proposal couldn’t happen again.

Oya, proposal number two

Tunde: I was planning to propose to her during our annual office retreat. You were allowed to bring your partner and even kids for the week-long retreat. It was at a really nice hotel, and the aesthetics would’ve been perfect for a proposal. Unfortunately, our Chief of Staff changed the rules and said she couldn’t come because I hadn’t proposed yet. I couldn’t tell her I planned on proposing there because I’d just joined the company and didn’t want it to be weird.

The date for our introduction was getting closer, and I wanted to propose before then. But I knew it would be difficult to get her to dress up without looking for a ridiculous excuse, so I had to do the ridiculous. I reached out to a not-so-close friend of mine and got him to invite us to a fake event. Then, I told my neighbours I wanted to propose to her in their apartment. They were in love with the idea. They left their apartment for us so I could get it all set up. I called my friend’s sister to help me out with balloons and everything.

While all of this planning was going on, Blessing and I were arguing. Why? Because I kept having to take my calls outside so she couldn’t hear what was going on. While she was accusing me of talking to other women, I was planning her proposal.

LMAO

Tunde: I got a lot of our friends and family involved. On the day of the “dinner” my friend invited us to, I told my neighbours to call me and ask me to come over. They’re a married couple with a two-year-old and were like a big brother and sister to us. So them calling one or both of us over wasn’t new.

When I got to the apartment, I called to tell her it was both of us they wanted to see, and she should get ready so we could go from there straight to the “event”. When she got there, I was on my knees with all our friends around and music playing.

Blessing: And I laughed so much. When my younger sister got proposed to, she laughed as well, and I was wondering what was wrong with her. It got to my turn, and there I was. Seeing him in his turtleneck, down on one knee with all the balloons, it just looked really funny. I’m not sure I heard anything he said. I just said yes, and he put the ring on my finger.

Did anything change once you got engaged?

Blessing: Not really. We still remained the cool and adventurous couple.

Tunde: Maybe our mentality changed. We had to start saving for a house and planning a wedding, so we had all those things at the back of our mind.

What was the wedding planning like?

Blessing: It was actually cool, not as hectic as I thought it would be. Since my sister got married in August, we had a template to work with.

Tunde: We did elevate the template though because our wedding was the bomb.

Birthday wedding?

Tunde: Look, let me tell you. I’ve pulled the greatest scam in history. Now, instead of celebrating our birthday and anniversary separately, I can lump it together and give one gift. People will read about me. Children will write stories about me. I’m making history.

Blessing: It’s not like I objected to the idea of getting married on our birthday. Plus, he’s making all this mouth about not buying gifts, but this man is a liar. Since we entered February 2023, he’s been buying me gifts every day.

We got married on our birthday because he just thought it was adorable. Now, it’s a story he tells everyone once they mistakenly ask. It doesn’t help that we have the same loc hairstyle. When people see us, they mistake us for siblings then he launches into the “born on the same day and married on the same day” speech.

What’s married life like?

Blessing: We’re a lot more conscious about building long-term wealth, not just for both of us, but our families are involved now.

Tunde: When you get married, you think you’re getting married to one person, but it’s actually a village. You now have to consider family members when doing certain things. We kept trying to figure things out individually, so we argued a lot at first. Like three months in, we realised how important talking to each other about things is. We’d sit up in the middle of the night and cry about stuff.

Something else that’s helped our relationship over time is the foundation of friendship. I may be upset with Blessing my babe, but Blessing my friend and I will sit down and talk.

On a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your love life?

Blessing: I’ll rate it a 9. The 1 is because of the possibility of us being more than this. There’s a lot of room for improvement.

Tunde: I disagree for the same reasons. Since she said there’s a lot of room for improvement, I’ll rate it a 1. Shebi it’s you that’s looking for room? The 1 means there’s plenty of room for you.

Blessing: That room you’re talking about, it’s like you’ll go and collect it outside o, because I don’t understand.

Tunde: But for real, I’ll say a 9 as well. We don’t fight, and it’s not because we don’t have growing tension about things, it’s just that we quickly communicate it. It’s been butterflies since we started dating. I feel pretty good about us.

RELATED: Love Life: I Found the Love of My Life on Tinder
Every generation deserves love, and Gen-Zs are no exception. They may go about it in ways other generations can’t understand, but it works for them. This is how to know for sure that a Gen-Z Nigerian is flirting with you.

Emojis

Since most of the flirting is done over social media, they use a lot of emojis. If it’s not 🥺, it’s 🙈 or 🫣.

Social media marriage

They do a lot of things backwards, so before they send you a DM, they’re letting everyone know y’all are married. One day, they’ll just start calling you my wife/ husband. It is what it is.

Playlists

Once they know they like you, they’ve already made you a playlist. It doesn’t matter what streaming platform you use, they’ll get it done. Also, expect it to ruin your algorithm.

RELATED: QUIZ: What Type of Flirt Are You?

TikTok

Are they really flirting with you if they don’t send you at least 15 TikToks a day? Once they ask if you have a TikTok account, forget about it.

Calls

They always start by saying they don’t talk much, but they’ll use calls to finish your battery. If they’re not buying airtime, they’re using FaceTime or WhatsApp. Your phone will be hot enough to cook beans, and they’ll still be going.

Violent attraction

Nothing says flirting like Gen-Zs alluding to you killing them. They let you know you’re hot, but not without stating how many ways they want you to use your hotness to end their life.

Biting

When dogs like you, they lick your face. When Gen-Z Nigerians like you, they bite you. Don’t be scared. They’re just trying to absorb your flavour.

RELATED: Dear Nigerian Women, Let’s Talk About Your Flirting Skills
Since she gained popularity in 2019 with her song, Try Me, Tems has been unstoppable. We’ve deduced that not only is she talented and hardworking, but her soap is also STRONG. So if you want to be unstoppable like Tems, here’s how you can collect her soap.

Disguise as her soap case

Witchcraft has come a long way. Once upon a time, you could only poison people. Now, you can be anything you want. So join a coven, perfect the tricks of the craft, disguise yourself as Tems’ soap case and just swallow the soap.

Appear to her in a dream

Sync your sleep with Tems’, so you can move from your dream to hers. When you get there, tell her how you’ve come from many dreams ago just to tell her to give you her soap.

Tell her you had a dream

If you can’t enter her own dream, you can have yours. Tell her something revealed to you that she has to give you the soap she’s using or else crazy things will truly start happening.

RELATED: QUIZ: If You Fail This Simple Tems’ Quiz You Have Poor Music Taste

Pay her for the soap

It’s not like you have Temilade money, but you can try.

Trade by barter

Offer her fuel and new naira notes. If she doesn’t collect, you can give us. We’ll help you beg her.

Beg

Humble yourself and calmly ask for the soap. The highest she can say is no. Well, actually, the highest she can get you arrested, but prison can be a positive thing.

RELATED: 8 Upcoming Albums That’ll make 2023 Bang Like Today’s Bread

Tell Beyoncé to help you ask her

Since Tems might not give you directly, maybe you can go through her friend, Beyoncé. How you’ll do that one is really not our problem, but good luck.

Carry signboard the next time she’s performing

Pay for a front-row ticket to her next performance, and carry a signboard asking for the soap. She just might give you because she’s in high-performing spirits.

Become her pet

Your village people who turn into cats have been preparing you for this moment. The moment you transform into her favourite animal, just stay in front of her house. Trust us.

RELATED: 10 Times Tems Reminded Us She’s That Girl
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships is a woman who’s tired of losing her friends to the japa wave. After having four of her friends leave, Yinka* (28) feels she has no friends left in Nigeria, but she still doesn’t want to leave.

Let’s start from the beginning

Yinka: In 2015, Adeola, my friend from church, was my first friend to leave Nigeria. We’d been friends since we were children. Our mothers were both in the choir, so we often saw each other during practices and church programmes.

I’m not a very outgoing person, so making friends was difficult for me. She was about my only friend in the church even after I’d been going there for a decade. But she had a few other friends outside of me. She never for once made me feel like I wasn’t as important as her other friends. She even introduced me to them. We barely argued, and everything seemed really great.

She never indicated that she planned on leaving the country, or I just didn’t know because she didn’t consider us close enough. Either way, I didn’t find out until a day before she left. We were eating sugar cane when she told me her flight out of the country was the next day. I didn’t know what to do except be happy for her, so I was.

What do you mean by you didn’t know what to do?

Yinka: Well, the babe and I weren’t close enough for it to have caused me to break down into tears. However, we were close enough that I could feel her departure. For the first couple of Sundays, I unconsciously kept looking for her in church.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Lied About His Move Abroad

Did you think the japa situation was going to become a problem later?

Yinka: No, I didn’t. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have many friends, but at that time, people barely spoke about leaving the country. A lot of us were just leaving school or starting new jobs, and the phrase on our lips was, “The country will get better.” There was still a lot of patriotism in the air at the time.

When did you realise it might be a problem?

Yinka: 2017, when another friend left Nigeria. Betty* and I met each other during NYSC in 2015. We were bunkmates and got along great.

Unlike my church friend, Betty always made it clear that her Nigeria situation was not permanent. For her, NYSC was a way to waste her time while she waited for word from the schools she’d applied to.

Honestly, I admired her for knowing what she wanted out of life and fighting really hard for it. However, it didn’t hurt any less when she left. I’d been carried along through the entire process, but her farewell dinner was the first time I cried. Seeing everyone talk about how much they’d miss her, I almost lost my mind. When it was my turn to say a few things about her, I just cried and hugged her. I was going to miss her so much.

Was keeping in touch with these people not an option?

Yinka: It was, but how long could we keep in touch? Maybe it’s because I’m a very out of sight person, but I find it very difficult to keep in touch with people I don’t see often. Adeola and I weren’t close enough for weekly calls, but we did try to have them once every two weeks. With time, it dwindled to just liking each other’s posts on Instagram.

Betty and I tried to do weekly calls, but her classes got too demanding, my job got too stressful, and with a seven-hour time difference, there was only so much we could do. We still occasionally text, but it wasn’t the same as when she could enter a cab to my office because she wanted me to buy her amala from the woman who sold it near my office.

Okay, I see your point

Yinka: I’m not saying no one can maintain a healthy long-distance friendship, but I’m not one of those people who can. My distance has to be driveable.

How many more times did you have a friend leave the country?

Yinka: Twice. The next was in 2019, and I think it caused a major problem for me. Even though it was someone I’d known for roughly a year, I’m still trying to recover from no longer being able to see her.

Chidera* and I were coworkers. Our company hired her almost immediately after they hired me in 2018, and we spent a lot of time together, trying to solve the problems our bosses created for us. I wasn’t expecting us to build a strong friendship, but it happened.

It was a couple of months after she was hired. We met at a party one of my cousins had invited me to. Since she was the only person I knew outside of my cousin, we sat together. We talked about work and life outside of work. I think that’s when we realised we had a lot in common. We exchanged social media accounts and kept in touch. It started with tweets about shows we were watching, then it progressed to texts then calls.

Whenever we sat together to work, we barely got anything done. Even our co-workers knew how close we were. They said arguing with one of us was like arguing with both of us. Why? Because we always had each other’s back.

That’s so cute

Yinka: She was my confidant and best friend, and I knew I was hers too. We had sleepovers at each other’s houses, talked about the men in our lives and discussed plans to live a better life.

During one of such discussions, she mentioned applying for new jobs. At first, I thought her search was limited to Abuja, but she mentioned jobs in Lagos and Canada.

I sent her every link I could find to every job opening related to what she wanted to do. At a point, if you opened my phone, all you saw were job applications. I helped her fill her forms, and when she got the job, I took her out to dinner and we drank, cried and drank some more.

We found buyers for her property together. I bought the ticket she used to leave the country. And because her parents are late, I was the only person who followed her to the airport. Her only sibling was waiting to receive her in Canada.

How did it feel watching her leave?

Yinka: I didn’t leave the airport premises until she sent me a message that she’d boarded her flight. I refused to drive to the airport because my chest was too tight for me to think straight. And I cried so much, my Uber driver had to ask me if someone died.

I took a week off work and even left our former company three months after. I couldn’t work there anymore. It wasn’t the same without her. Chidera and I still speak, at least more than I do with Adeola or Betty. We had to schedule each other into our lives. We speak on the phone every Sunday afternoon and try to get up to date with what’s going on. I still miss her so much. I was supposed to travel to see her in 2020, but with COVID-19 and the lockdown, that didn’t happen. I’m planning another trip for later in 2023, so let’s hope nothing spoils that one.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Lost My Best Friend and I Blame Nigeria

So watching a friend leave for the fourth time…

Yinka: It was my cousin and she left in 2022. She’d gotten married during the pandemic in 2020, and her husband left for the USA in 2021. In 2022, they finally worked all their papers and she went to join him. I didn’t follow her to the airport or even attend her farewell party. I told her congratulations, sent her some money and prayed for her. Anything more was not in my power to do. I was numb to it all by this point.

Why?

Yinka: I’m exhausted. Maybe it’s japa fatigue, but I don’t know how to process watching someone leave again. Sure, it’s not like they’re dying, but what’s the point?

The whole situation has made it even harder for me to make friends. Almost everyone you meet now is talking about leaving the country or asking you when you plan to leave. What’s the point of making a new friend who’ll leave you in a couple of months for greener pastures? I don’t blame them because Nigeria is hard. But it’s getting harder because I have no friends to lean on. I’m extremely lonely, and there’s not much I can do about it.

Do you want to leave Nigeria?

Yinka: It seems like the sensible choice, but my answer is no. I don’t want to go. I’m my parents’ only child; I don’t want to leave them alone. I also don’t like the idea of starting over. Learning a new language? A new set of customs and behaviours? I can’t do it. I just hope things change in Nigeria so moving countries doesn’t become a prayer point for me in the future.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship
From having no money in ATMs, to failed transactions and double debits, we think the banking sector in Nigeria should just close up. They’ve had a good run. But to avoid a rise in unemployment, the banks should consider these other business paths.

Apartment complexes

Nigeria has a housing crisis so they should be useful and turn their buildings into apartment complexes. With the amount of branches in several locations, these banks have the power to solve the housing problem for good.

Selling akara

Sources reaching us is that the akara business is very lucrative. If banks don’t want to be useful, they can at least provide nourishment to people. Let them shame the enemies that say they’re completely useless.

RELATED: 10 Places to Make Over 30k Per Day Selling Akara

Loan sharks

Since they take forever to reverse transactions and unlawful debits, they should learn what it’s like to pursue someone that’s owing them money.

Fashion houses

With all the things tailors and fashion designers have put Nigerians through, the banks should feel right at home. They can move from giving us one shege to another less important shege.

RELATED: 8 Things We Secretly Wish Nigerian Banks Will Do

Event venues

Some banks forgot people don’t care for aesthetics when it comes to their money. Their buildings are so spacious and bright, it’s like they didn’t know what they line of business they were in. But with all the weddings happening every other day, they’ll cash out.

Community centres

We don’t have a lot of community centres where children and young people can just hang out, pick up new skills and make friends. Imagine if the banks became community centres?

Restaurants

Nigerians will never get tired of restaurants. There can be 15 on a street, and they’ll all be booked and busy. If all the banks in Nigeria became restaurants, they won’t lack customers.

Internet service providers

Maybe if the two combine their rubbish behaviour, we can get one decent product out of them. Plus, internet service providers do a bit better and are harder to do with out.

RELATED: Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: “Let Us Explain”
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

The subjects of this week’s Love Life are Fegor (21) and Michael (26). They talk about meeting on Tinder, not having a real first date and moving in together one month after they started dating.

So, Tinder?

Michael: Yeah, in December 2021. I swiped right because of her radiant beauty honestly. She has one of those contagious smiles that light up a room. She has incredible skin and beautiful almond eyes. I couldn’t wait to see if she would swipe back.

Fegor: On dating apps, I usually swipe right because I think the person is attractive. He has a pretty face and had a blunt in one of his pictures, so that was it for me.

Michael: When I saw we’d matched, I was excited af. I sent her a message letting her know how much I couldn’t wait to see her smile again. Mind you, this was all at like 4.a.m. Chicago time, and Ii had work at 6.a.m. the next morning, but I couldn’t wait to talk to her. Thankfully, I work remotely, so I just had to find the strength to roll out of bed two hours later.

Fegor: I wasn’t surprised about the match because men on Tinder are easy, but the text about seeing me smile was really cute. That’s why about two days later, we moved to Instagram.

Right off the bat, with the text he sent and how into the conversation I was, I knew I wanted to meet up with him in person. However, it was Christmas break and I was in a different state from him. We talked every day until I returned to Chicago. When I started falling asleep to him on FaceTime, I knew I was in trouble.

FaceTime is how they get you

Fegor: Really. It’s what helped me realise I have feelings for him. Whenever I match with people on Tinder, I tell them I live in Chicago when I really don’t. I don’t stay too far away, but I just lie to them. With him though, I wanted to make concrete plans to hang out with him, so I had to come clean.

Interesting. So what was it like when you eventually hung out?

Fegor: I’m still lowkey vexing for him because of that day. I was bamboozled. He didn’t take me on a real first date. He just picked me up from my friend’s apartment, took me to a smoke store to get some stuff, then to his apartment. The moment we got there, he literally carried me into his room. We watched some shows, smoked, talked and had sex the whole night. I came on Thursday and was meant to leave the next morning, but I ended up staying with him till Sunday when I had to go to school.

Michael: I swear there was no bamboozling going on. A week or two prior to meeting her, I’d arranged a date with another woman who was interested in grabbing a drink. The night of the date came and she stood me up. It was my first time trying to plan an actual date since I broke up with my ex of 3+ years, and that really impacted how I felt about it at the moment. I guess it just put a really bad taste in my mouth about planning first dates.

I look back at it and think about how dumb that was. I’m spending the rest of the relationship trying to make it up to her.

So you both knew you had feelings for each other?

Michael: Yes, but she confessed it first when we were on molly together later in January.

I was so happy when she said it because I’d been feeling the same way. So I was like, “Wait, what you say?” She got shy and tried to deny saying it, but I asked her to say it again, and she did. My smile and eyes grew wider and then I told her I loved her too.

Fegor: That’s cap. It wasn’t when I was on molly. That time, I was just telling him how no one had ever made me feel safe and how I think this is what love feels like. I told him I loved him on the Sunday morning when I was about to leave Chicago the first time we hung out. We used to say, “I’m falling for you” instead of “I love you” because we didn’t want to use that word. But it slipped out then he told me to say it again and I did. He said it back to me after he made me repeat myself. Since then, we’ve been saying it to each other like 1000 times a day.

RELATED: Love Life: It Felt Natural to Call Each Other Boyfriend/Girlfriend

When did y’all start dating?

Michael: I asked her about a month after we first met. I straight up told her I really liked and enjoyed being with her, and I wanted to make it official. She actually put me on ice and told me to ask again later because she wasn’t sure she was ready to get into another relationship yet.

A couple of months go with us going on dates and seeing each other, then around April, I could tell she was comfortable with how we stood and how we clicked. I set up a cute picnic by an arboretum and pond, gave her a promise ring and asked her if she was ready.

Fegor: I feel like when he first asked me out I was really scared. I’d just gotten out of a toxic relationship like a month or two before we met, so I thought it’d be stupid to have another boyfriend so soon. Plus, I was meant to be on a healing journey. But the second time, I was like I really love this guy. It’s not his fault my last bf was an “ain’t shit” guy. Plus, the way he did it was really cute with the flowers and picnic and promise ring.

I wanted and was ready to be his girl officially. I knew he loved me by the way he talked, listened and played with me; the way he made time for me, paid for me to get things done and even helped me scam my plug. He used to leave his high rise to come to my ratchet ass rural town and sleep in my dorm room as just so he could spend time with me. He took time off work so he could stay and watch Euphoria together one Sunday night. Everything was just so perfect. I couldn’t say no.

My chest. What’s the relationship like now?

Fegor: A month after we started dating, we moved in together. It happened in May 2022, after I graduated from college. He offered and I didn’t have better options. I was scared though because people are always like, “Oh. Don’t move in with your partner.” When I stayed with my ex for a month one summer, he treated me so badly and used to kick me out. Luckily, I love living with Michael.

The original plan was to move out of his place after I got a job, but neither of us want that anymore. I tell him all the time that his/our apartment is the safest place I’ve lived in my whole life. I love that I get to come home to him everyday, and we cuddle, fuck, smoke and binge-watch shows together. We eat, shower, take baths and host friends together. I prefer this to living alone or having roommates.

RELATED: Love Life: I Moved to Be Closer to Her

So you have no issues at all?

Michael: For me, I honestly don’t have any issues with the living situation.

Fegor: Sometimes, we have roommate issues. He’s really hairy, so his hair is always allover the bathroom and that annoys me, but he cleans it up more now. I also don’t like when he says he’ll do something, like vacuum the carpet or hang up something, then he doesn’t do it.

And there are some codependency things that creep up. Like we always eat dinner together, so sometimes, even if I’m really hungry and he isn’t home yet, I actually starve and wait for him.

How do y’all handle these issues?

Fegor: I think one of my favorite things about us is how we communicate. Before him, I didn’t know you could communicate issues without shouting, fighting or crying.

For his hair, I just told him about it. Sometimes, I still see hair in the tub, sink or on the floor. I either clean it because it’s not that deep and he cleans after me too, or when I’m not in the mood, I tell him to do it. I actually don’t like repeating myself, so I don’t pester him except we’re having visitors and I need to make the apartment look nice. He’s honestly so nice to me and always wants to make me happy so he’d apologise and do it.

As for eating, I actually don’t mind waiting. I like eating and watching a show or movie with him, so I wait. But if I’m really hungry, and he’s not back when he said he’d be, I’d eat.

What does the future look like for both of you?

Fegor: I hope we’re both grown in our careers so we can invest in small side hustles together. I also want to travel the world with him.

I always have so much fun when we’re together. One of my favourite memories with him is going to the beach together in June 2022. He didn’t want to get in the water so I basically carried him and spun him around in it and he did the same to me too. It was just really really nice.

We don’t know how we feel about kids, but he’s husband material so I’d like to marry him eventually. We do have a puppy, and if we get bored we’d probably get another one.

Michael: I’ll say this is spot on.

Rate your love life on a scale of 1-10

Fegor: 10. I’m really happy and at peace. Everything is blissful, and I’m very satisfied.

Michael: I’ll give it a 20/10. I haven’t felt this happy and secure in a relationship ever. The feeling is unmatched. We share common goals about what we want our relationship to be and look like. I also feel like we communicate in such a respectful way and we make serious efforts to understand and meet each other’s needs. We know each other’s love languages so well and our sex life is amazing.

RELATED: Love Life: I Asked Her to Marry Me Before We Started Dating
Finding a billionaire is hard enough; finding one who’ll willingly spend their hard and soft currency on you is even harder. That’s why we used all the tools in our arsenal to curate a list of places you’ll find these specific class of philanthropic billionaires. No need to thank us, we’re just being nice.

Babalawo’s shrine

The babalawo’s shrine is where you’ll meet the up-and-coming billionaires, people who’re there for money rituals, yahoo ++ and other things. You get to invest right before they blow. And when they do, you’ve bagged yourself a billionaire who’s gonna take care of you. Forget what people say about networking in country clubs, the shrine is the best place to network.

Someone’s village

People always claim there are lowkey billionaires, richer than Dangote, in their villages. Those billionaires? You must jam them by force.

RELATED: 11 Signs You’re Not Ready to Be a Billionaire

Marine kingdom

One thing about the bad bitches in the marine kingdom is they’ll never go for a broke guy. If you join them, you’ll get access to their elite list of billionaires whose lives you can destroy.

Stand on a bad road and hawk oranges

Now, if Nollywood has taught us anything, it’s that billionaires like orange sellers. However, for this to properly work, you have to hawk on a road that’s notorious for spoiling cars. When your billionaire parks to buy your oranges, their car will suddenly refuse to start working. Offer to fix it and gbam, billionaire secured.

RELATED: QUIZ: Which Nigerian Billionaire Are You?

Hell

Since billionaires never make heaven, you’ll definitely find many in hell. So go to one of those people who take excursions to heaven and hell and ask them what airline they use to visit hell. When you get there, ask the dearly departed billionaires how you can date and marry the ones they left on Earth.

Any 60th birthday party

If you see anyone throwing a 60th birthday party, better attend. There’s something about people who celebrate their 60th birthdays and that thing is wealth. Either you catch the eye of the billionaire celebrant or one of their billionaire friends in attendance.

Twitter

People on that app are always claiming to know one or two billionaires personally. Snoop around and get to befriending. There’s no mercy for money, so find all the people findable and collect all their money.

RELATED: Quiz: Do You Even Have What it Takes to Be a Nigerian Billionaire?

Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)
There comes a time in a sugar baby’s life when they realise they need to settle down and get married… to someone their age. Since weddings are expensive, and you don’t have the funds, here’s how to convince your sugar mummy to pay for everything.

Make her the chief bridesmaid

She’ll have a sense of duty to the event, and her purse will overflow. Plus, if she’s playing such a big role in the wedding, her rich friends would come too, and that means more money for you.

You had a dream

Tell her you had a dream her life changed for the better after she sponsored your wedding. You can say you asked her for it as a favour, and when she refused, God used the bitterness in your heart to punish her. Nothing too extreme. Just say enough for her to agree to finance your entire wedding.

RELATED: 7 Important Qualities to Look Out for in a Sugar Mummy

It’s a school project

You know how education keeps evolving? Well, your school gave you an assignment to throw a successful wedding plus reception. Tell her you’ll fail and drop out if she doesn’t finance it. If you’re not in school, you’re taking a new online course.

Her marriage inspired you

Not all sugar mummies are married, but if yours happens to be, then use it to your advantage. Her marriage is an inspiration and you want to know what marital bliss feels like. Sure, she’s cheating, but that doesn’t mean her marriage isn’t great.

If she’s not married, marry her

The easiest way to get her to pay for your wedding is by making her the bride. Do you think she’ll let her wedding be done anyhow? Of course not. Wedding of the century.

RELATED: The Zikoko Guide to Finding a Nigerian Sugar Mummy

Or marry her child

She’ll have no choice but to finance the entire wedding. It’s called strategic positioning.

Remind her that her reputation is at stake

People already associate you with her, so if you have a rubbish wedding, it’ll reflect poorly on her. There’ll be rumours about how she’s going broke and society will shun her. If your wedding isn’t grand, she might as well vanish from society.

Work overtime

Approach it from a business perspective. Show her a plan on how you’ll use your body to repay your debt. Work smarter, not harder.

RELATED: How to Get a Sugar Mummy Before You’re Old Enough to Be a Sugar Daddy

Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)
The question on everyone’s mind when they’re getting their pictures taken is, “What should I do with my hands?” Never fear, best in photography and posing activities, Zikoko, is here to save the day.

Put your hands on your head

This way, your hands aren’t only occupied, but you’ll look like what you’re going through. Let everyone see the picture and know the case is critical and you need help.

Make the sign of the cross

You have to protect yourself from all your village people. Who knows which evil spirit or eyes are looking at your picture? The sign will ward off the bad energy.

Do as if you’re praying

Put your hands together in front of you. It’s so God doesn’t harshly judge the souls of those who’ll commit sin in their hearts once they see your pictures.

Put your hands on your waist

Remember when we used to put our hands on our waist to take pictures as children? Well, maybe it’s time we brought it back. You’ll reconnect with your inner child and keep your hands busy.

Pull your ears

Not only does this prove you’re invested in finally hearing word, but it gives your face a unique structure.

RELATED: Zikoko Hack: How to Scare Nigerians

Put a finger in your mouth

Channel your inner Nollywood bad gyal and bite your finger. If it doesn’t feel good enough, bite the whole hand. Don’t let anyone stop you from living your best life.

Plug your ears

You won’t hear anything the haters say about your drip.

Leave them by your side

Instead of thinking of which poses will work well with your outfit, lighting and angles, just leave the hands by your side. It’s a little serious, but it’ll never go out of style.

READ ALSO: 8 Extremely Honest and Helpful Mini Skirt Tips

Starting next week (January 31st, 2023)
Working from home is cool and all, but sometimes, you get tired of staring at the four walls of your house every day. To add a little spice to your work life, try working from any of these locations instead.

The beach

Sometimes, work makes you doubt why you’re alive. So go to the beach and observe the ocean and sunset. It’ll remind you there’s more to life than work, and you have things to live for.

Bukka

The bukka not only provides a change of scenery but a change of smell too. Aren’t you tired of smelling yourself 24/7? Try hot amala, jollof rice and sweat. Sure, you might also add a little weight, but all of that won’t matter in heaven.

RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Talk About Working From Home

Church

When your manager sends you a foolish message, you can just mute your laptop and put their name on the altar. Fire for fire.

Forest

If you always feel sleepy because you’re working from home, this would cure it. Between killing mosquitoes and watching for wild animal that want to eat you, you’ll be very alert.

RELATED: How Are Young Nigerians Breaking the Monotony of Working From Home in 2022

On an okada

How else will you prove you can work under pressure and in a fast-paced environment?

Your secondary school

Remind yourself where you’re coming from and let it motivate you to keep pushing. Life’s tough, but you’re tougher.

Filling station

Buy fuel and knock some tasks off of your to-do list. It’s killing two birds with one stone.

RELATED: 8 Things You Can Relate to if You Work Remotely From Your House
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

The subject of this Sunken Ships is *Kunle (27), who tells us how he chose the elections over his friendship and why he can’t be friends with “politically irresponsible” people.

How did you become friends with this person?

Kunle: I want to believe Femi* and I became friends the same day his mother started renting the shop beside my mothers. We were the same age and both spent a lot of time in the shops after school. We’d do our homework together and play football in front of the shops together. Sometimes, if my mum wants to go somewhere, she’d just leave me with Femi’s mum. I think we were even the reason our mums became friends.

When we were ten years old, we applied to the same secondary school and we became even closer. One of our mums will drop us off at resumption and they rotated picking us up as well as coming for our visiting days. At a point, people just assumed we were brothers. We shared many things and I knew I could always count on him and his mum and they could do the same.

That’s cute.

Kunle: I won’t say cute exactly. It’s like we didn’t have any choice but to be friends. Being friends was the sensible option and it’s the one we chose.

So you didn’t like each other?

Kunle: We did o, but since with all the time we spent around each other, it was bound to happen. I just think if not for the proximity we had towards each other, it may not have happened.

Femi has always been a bit more outgoing and irresponsible than I have. While I was the first child, he’s the last born, so his parents were a lot more lenient with him than they were with me. Add to the fact that the age gap between him and the child immediately before him is five years, his parents and two siblings let him get away with almost anything.

I, on the other hand, had to deal with firstborn pressure. I’d have to look after not just myself, but my three younger siblings. There was a lot on my plate and a lot was expected from me. I tried to be that good example my siblings need.

So, it’s not like we didn’t like each other. I had grown to love him like a brother. It’s just that a lot of my life would have happened differently if not for him.

As in how?

Kunle: When we were 16, he got a girlfriend. That wasn’t a problem, but he felt I had to have one too, so he introduced me to her friend and we started dating. My mind wasn’t in that relationship, but I did it anyways. Femi was fun. To be friends with him, you have to be fun as well.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust

Interesting. So did you remain friends till your adulthood?

Kunle: Yes, we did. However, we moved houses and by extension, shops. Femi and I’s friendship had already taken a hit when we both went to different universities, but we still saw each other when we could. After the move though, there was a time I didn’t see him for almost a full year. I was 20 then. Luckily, our mothers kept in touch and we reconnected as friends. We’d go to events, drink and watch football together. Just the little things to maintain the friendship.

I won’t say we were as close as we used to be, but we still treated each other like brothers. When his dad died in 2015, I went to the burial and stayed with him for a while. Even helped his mother with some running around seeing as the first son was not in the country anymore.

You guys had been through a lot together

Kunle: Yes, we have. He was my longest friend, ever.

So why exactly did you both stop being friends?

Kunle: The problem started around 2022 when people started declaring their interest in running for President. Out of all the candidates, I think there’s only one sensible option, and I thought it was so obvious, anyone with eyes can see it. Turned out, not everyone is interested in this country finally having progress.

When we started discussing politics, it turned out that my friend had another candidate in mind. I was not one of those politically serious people, but this election means a lot to me. Over half of my friend group has left the country in search of greener pastures. My rent is ridiculous and my salary is just enough for the things I need. Barely enough for savings and other things. I can’t continue in a Nigeria like this. So I started discussing politics with my friends a lot more than we usually did. I encouraged them to register for their PVC and to vote as well. I carried the matter on my head.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

Political gbogbo

Kunle: Abeg. I don’t like how this country is and I want to do my part in making sure it changes. That’s why in the usual fashion of encouraging my friends to do things, I reached out to Femi to find out his plans for the election. As we were talking, I found out he planned to vote for a different candidate than me and that’s when the fighting started. I’d question him about the reasons for his choice and he’d never give me a sensible answer. I was irritated. I’d send presidential rallies, articles and videos to try to convince him otherwise, but he didn’t budge.

The day I saw him actively campaigning for his candidate? I wanted to beat him up. I knew his irresponsibility was a lot, but is he not tired of how this country is? To me, it was like he was actively putting our lives in danger. I didn’t care if he was just one vote. I couldn’t look past the display of foolishness. The friendship could not continue. Before someone will associate me with his brand of nonsense.

That was it?

Kunle: That was it. I didn’t need either reason. Which other reason could I have possibly needed? Political irresponsibility is basically murder. If you’re irresponsible with your vote, your candidate and the policies you support, you’re risking people’s lives by trying to elect the worst option possible.

Hmm

Kunle: I simply stopped talking to him

and he stopped talking to me either. We’re on two opposite sides, so there’s no fence sitting that can happen here. His mother still asks after me and I occasionally call to say hello, but Femi? Never again o. When we see each other outside, we act as if we don’t know each other. Our mutual friends have picked up on it, but they haven’t asked why exactly we stopped talking.

Do you regret it?

Kunle: My future and that of Nigeria is more important to me than any friendship. I can and will end any friendship over politics.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Work Wife Made the Job Enjoyable

Starting next week (January 31st, 2023)
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Zikoko is on a queue, waiting for their turn to pick up their PVC when they start hearing voices.

Unknown voice: Zikoko!

Zikoko: Who’s calling my name?

Unknown voice: Zikoko!

Zikoko: (looking up) Father, father, speak, for your servant is listening.

Unknown voice: Look down, you idiot.

Zikoko: Satan? I know I’ve done some questionable things, but ah ah?

Unknown voice: It’s not Satan. It’s me, PVC.

Zikoko looks down and notices a card on the floor. They pick it up, and it’s someone’s PVC.

Zikoko: What’re you doing on the floor?

PVC: I fell from someone’s pocket.

Zikoko: How do you know who I am?

PVC: You cause chaos in the human world, you cause confusion in the land of objects. Who doesn’t know you?

Zikoko: We don’t want Meffy to know us please….

PVC: I think we should focus on my solvable problems. I tried reaching out to you last week, but I couldn’t get to you. I think meeting your right now is an act of divine intervention.

Zikoko: Yeah, sorry about last week. I briefly got kidnapped, but I’m okay. What’d you want to talk to me about?

PVC: Once again, thank you for the opportunity. I’m here because there’s fire on the mountain. Plenty of fire, and it’s hot.

Zikoko: What’s burning?

PVC: There’s no other way to explain it. Do you know what’s happening on the 31st?

Zikoko: Some people’s salary day?

PVC: Yes, but also, it’s the deadline for picking up PVCs.

Zikoko: Yeah, I’m aware, every Nigerian is aware. Is that why you’re looking for me?

PVC: Yes and also, no. Do you have siblings Zikoko?

Zikoko: Yes, one

PVC: I have millions, scattered across Nigeria. If people don’t collect their PVCs, we’ll all be stuck together in offices that barely have light. Do you know how much they’re selling fuel now? Since there’s no light, there’s heat. All till the next election.

Do you know what it’s like living in a room with hundreds of your siblings, tied together with rubber bands so tight you can’t even try to stretch your legs? No privacy whatsoever.

Zikoko: What do you need privacy for?

PVC: PVCNGF?

Zikoko: What does that even mean?

PVC: PVC no go fuc—

Zikoko: Please, it’s enough. *scratches head* They don’t pay me enough for this.

PVC: What do you think we do in your houses four years when we’re waiting for the next election?

Zikoko: Reading, learning how to become a passport or ID card, lying down and waiting for the election you were created for…

PVC: Have you yourself done the things you were created for in the last four years?

Zikoko: Who is the interviewer here? Maybe you want to add interviewing to the things you’ll do for the next four years.

PVC: Zikoko, calm down. We don’t have to resort to violence. My siblings and I need to escape those conditions. We’re desperate.

Zikoko: What will help you escape?

PVC: We need people who haven’t gone to look for their PVC to go look for it.

Zikoko: But that doesn’t mean they’ll find it.

PVC: Yes, we know people are trying and it’s difficult. We just want to make sure everyone is doing it — let’s have a chance to escape four years of stagnant offices at least.

Zikoko: Get your PVC. Choose pregnancy over stagnancy…

PVC: Sigh. I don’t know how you have rights.

But look, what I’m saying is that I know it’s not easy asking you to suffer for my sake, but abeg, try. We are nothing but beans, waiting to be picked.

Zikoko: What does that even— –

Zikoko is cut off by an announcement

Announcer: Please, a person is looking for their PVC. If you found any PVC, can you let us know.

Zikoko: I think it’s your owner looking for you.

PVC: Yeah, I think so too. When you pick yours up, tell my sibling I passed the message along.

Zikoko: Will do. Will do.

RELATED: Interview With the Naira: ”Just Add a Little Yeast”

Starting next week (January 31st, 2021)
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

The subjects of this week’s Love Life, Musa* (61) and Abike* (52), are pastors who’ve been married for 24 years. They discuss being drawn to each other because of their service to the church and how he proposed before they even started dating.

Click here if you want to be interviewed for Zikoko’s Love Life

How did you two meet?

Abike: We met in church. I joined in 1993, and he joined two years later.

Musa: She was a choir mistress at the time. I joined as a Sunday school teacher and interpreter for the church founder. We were both evangelists and were often paired for evangelical missions.

She was still a student when I joined, but I was done with school. Her school was in a different state, so we only saw each other when she came back for long holidays.

What made you decide to start dating?

Musa: When I realised I was drawn to her, I decided to ask our pastor and his wife to join us in prayer. We didn’t start dating until I got the go-ahead from our pastor.

We’ve been taught that when you pray for a life partner, God gives you a reading or shows you the person. You don’t meet the person directly. There’s a Yoruba adage that says, “What an elder sees while seated, the young ones cannot see even if they climbed a two-storey building”.

After the prayer, the pastor and his wife told me I could propose to her. When I did, she asked for some time to pray about it.

Abike: Although I was done with school, I was worried about our financial situation because the money we were earning wasn’t a lot. But when I prayed about it, God led me to Psalm 37:19, and I got my confirmation.

Musa: A couple of weeks later, I asked her if she’s made a decision, she told me yes.

RELATED: Love Life: I Went to Her House Every Day for a Whole Year

So you proposed marriage from the jump?

Musa: Yes. After I proposed, we dated for over a year before we got married in 1999. We were both very advanced in age. She was 29, and I was 37, so there was no need to waste time. Plus, we’re both committed to the work of God. I knew I couldn’t pursue anything with someone who isn’t as dedicated to God’s work as I am.

Our spiritual life was the major factor that really drew us together. The combined love for things of the kingdom was too strong to ignore.

Abike: He handled the things of God with a certain passion that really made me interested in him.

Musa: Our spiritual parents had a hand in our relationship from the very beginning. Even our brothers and sisters in the church didn’t object to the union. Our biological parents were also in support of us coming together as husband and wife. I honestly believe we are divine partners. That she is the will of the Lord in my life.

Abike: I think so too because there’s a certain peace that comes with him. Not to say we never had issues, but when we did, we prayed on any and every mountain.

What kind of issues?

Musa: First, the money we were earning at our respective jobs wasn’t a lot, but we thank God for small provisions like bonuses and salary increases.

Abike: Another of such issues is that I’m not a very easy person to control. You can’t just tell me to sit there and obey without trying to convince me. Sometimes, he’d make a decision without discussing it with me and expect me to just go ahead with it. That’s not how I work. Now, he knows better than to just impose decisions on me. He’s also more gentle than me. When he’s annoyed, he may not say anything, but me? You’ll see it all over my face.

As time went on, we began to understand each other better. Now, if there are any issues, we settle them before we go to bed. If we can’t, we talk about it during our morning devotion.

RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Need Phones, We Had Love

And you’ve been doing this for 24 years?

Musa: Yes, we have, and it’s all been by the grace of God. God is the answer to every loving and peaceful home. Except the Lord builds the house, the labourers work in vain. The secret to being able to last this long in marital bliss is God.

Abike: There’s also the love we have for one another. It allows us to be patient and persevere.

On a scale of 1-10, how will you rate your love life?

Musa: An 8 because I believe we’ve just started. As long as we live it, it’ll continue to grow more and increase on a daily basis till eternity.
Abike: I agree. Every day, it keeps getting better by His grace.

RELATED: Love Life: We Found Out We Have Chemistry in a Chemistry Lab
With the housing crisis, recession, and the need for freedom, more and more people are sharing accommodation. It’s cheaper, you can leave your parent’s house, and many more great reasons. However, the problem is, who do you move in with? Well, due to careful analysis and a consultation with the team at Zikoko Statistics, we’ve narrowed down the best option, which is your ex.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer

Monitoring their moves and behaviour never got easy. Plus, if you’re the toxic one in the relationship and you’re scared they might want to retaliate and do something absolutely batshit, you have a chance to keep a really close eye on them.

Inspires you to do better with your life

You can’t let your ex think you’re doing terribly without them. You can rub your success in their face, so take it. Go to the gym, maintain a healthy social life and cosplay as a mentally stable adult. Plus, do you know how embarrassing it’ll be for you if your ex comes to tell you that you’re late for rent payment? If that’s not enough motivation to work hard, we don’t know what is.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

Easy access to their DNA in case you’ve not healed enough

As much as we want to pretend we’ve healed enough from the terrible relationship, sometimes only revenge can help you move on. If you and your ex live together, you can access their hair, saliva, blood, skin, etc. Enough that you can take it to your herbalist and place a heavy curse on them.

It’s giving enemies to lovers

We said we’re going to romanticise our lives this year, so why not start by doing something that looks like it came from the pages of your favourite young adult novel?

RELATED: A Case for Your Favourite Ex: The Oloriburuku You Know Is Better than the One You Don’t

It’s new and different

People have lived with romantic partners, best friends, family members, etc and they’re always complaining about how badly it turned out. Do something out of the box. Who knows, this might be the one that works out.

For the plot

It might not be good for you mentally, but it’ll be good for the plot and sometimes we should just do things because it’ll be good for the plot called life.

You get to sabotage their future relationships

How many people will feel comfortable dating someone that’s living with their ex? Exactly! If they stressed you out, you must stress them out.

RELATED: So You Want to Be Friends With Your Ex?
If your mental health is not as strong as you wish, there are people in certain professions you should avoid entering relationships with. They’ll stress you, increase your blood pressure, and you’ll end up in a psychiatric hospital.

Since we care about your mental health, here’s a list of such people so you can avoid them.

Actors

If your mental health do usually have comma and the occasional full stop, don’t bother with an actor. Why? Overthinking will nearly kill you. You want to date someone who can cry on demand? LMAO. If you think you can handle it, your brain will show you something.

Zikoko writers

Writers are bad enough, but dating a Zikoko writer? You clearly don’t enjoy life or want peace. Not only is everything content for them, but they never have your time. They’re too busy resting from the havoc they’ve caused or plotting to constitute a nuisance. If you’re still doubting, ask yourself, “How many Zikoko writers are in long-term committed relationships?” Exactly.

RELATED: 11 Reasons Why You Should Never Date a Creative

Customer care reps

They’re like actors, but somehow worse. They’d be talking politely to a customer on the phone and have the most ridiculous facial reactions. How are you sure that’s not how they act when you call them? They’re pros at making their voice neutral even when they want to kill you. It’s too much, abeg.

Personal trainer

They’ll be a bit too concerned with their own body. You’ll be dating someone who thinks a good date idea is jogging along the Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge. That’s enough to make you more unstable than you already are.

RELATED: Pros and Cons of Dating a Gym Bro

CEOs

Capitalist propagators don’t care about their own selves, and you think you’re worth it to them? You’ll tell them you’re having a mental breakdown; they’ll say it’s because you don’t wake up at 5 a.m. to seize the day. Better choose yourself.

Instagram vendors

Have all the “what you ordered vs what you got” trends on social media taught you nothing? If not, let us help you. Instagram vendors will promise you one thing and give you something else. You’re too unstable to be dealing with people who’ll only breadcrumb and love-bomb you.

Delivery people

They’ll give you high blood pressure with constant calls to ask you unnecessary questions. Plus, even though their jobs require them to, they never actually know how to get anywhere. Is that someone you want to lead a relationship?

HR

You’ll think because their job revolves around people, they’ll know how to actually treat a partner well. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. They’re like military dictators, and you can never rest when they’re around. Do you think they grant mental health days to their coworkers? The answer is no.

Tailor

Their entire job revolves around making false promises. It’s their MO. Why will you date a tailor when you don’t have the mental fortitude for such behaviour? Plus, they’re always dodging customers. Can your anxiety handle that?

Politician

As if your life is not hard enough, you want to be with someone who receives curses on a daily basis? Mental health that you’re managing, someone will use swear to reverse. Abeg.

RELATED: Dear Millennials for Your Own Sake Don’t Date People With These Jobs
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

The subject of this Sunken Ships, Alex*, talks to us about having a work wife, Shalom*, and navigating the job now that she and Alex no longer work together.

When did you meet this person?

Alex: I met Shalom in October 2020. We got hired at the same time and in our second week in the office we decided to meet in person.

Initially, I thought she didn’t like me for some reason, but when we met that day, she was much friendlier than I thought.

Was that when you got closer?

Alex: Not really. It wasn’t until one Friday, about a week or so after we met that she called me to get to know me. We hit it off immediately. At that point, I realised that if she had asked me to do all her work for her I would have.

I’m a very private person, but we followed each other on all the social media platforms. We liked the same books, I liked talking to her and I thought she was funny and brilliant. It made sense to follow each other everywhere. Over time, I started to send her funny TikToks. I never shut up about her and everyone in my life was tired of hearing about this person. I won’t lie.

It dawned on me that I loved her in a friend way when I made her a playlist. I don’t just make anyone playlists. There have been so many great moments in her presence and I have so much love for her that if at any point we stop being friends I’ll always root for her and I know she’ll be rooting right back.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: He’s the Reason I Started Making Playlists for People

That’s so cute. What was working with her like?

Alex: Well, we worked remotely, but working with her meant feeling seen. She understood what I struggled with because she was struggling with it too. I looked forward to going to the office on the days we had to because she’d be there and I’d feel less alone.

She’s also more outgoing than me, so she made sure to include me in activities I’d have normally shied away from. Hell, I want to say she made me more productive. With her there, I actually wanted to get my work done. Working with her was great and she made work more fun.

How did you feel when she told you she was leaving?

Alex: Conflicted. She wasn’t always very happy there and I wanted better for her but I also knew I was going to miss her. I felt so sad for the longest time because we were a team of two and I already felt alone and hidden in my office. With her gone, it’d be worse.

I think at first I was distant because I worried about things changing between us, but we just went right back to talking after like it didn’t happen.

When she left, it meant I had to do the work of two people alone and no one saw it as a problem until I pointed it out. It increased my workload and made me tired out, but that’s about it. I still have her in my life.

Damn. Do you miss working with her?

Alex: So much. She made work feel less than a job. She had the most original ideas and encouraged mine no matter how ridiculous. She also spoke up a lot in situations where other people were silent and I always admired that. Plus, she looked so fly all the time. A fine woman 100%.

Do you think you’re as close as you used to be?

Alex: I don’t think so but it’s just because we don’t work on the same office clock. I used to spend more time in my day talking to her about work and then about our personal lives. I no longer see her as often.

We still talk, send tweets, have long phone calls and send Tiktoks to one another. She’s my babe for life. I’d like to deliberately make time to plan a physical hang-out because she is one of the best people in my life right now.

Do you want her to come back?

Alex: No honestly, but I will love to work with her again someday.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough
Some professions are more respected and loved than others. And some are just plain underrated. Here are some jobs we actually shouldn’t look down on because they’re really amazing.

Town crier

Imagine waking up to a bell and someone giving the whole town hot gist? The gossip levels will increase, and it’ll foster town unity.

Philosopher

All the thinking you’ve been thinking for free, where has it taken you? Nowhere. At least, let your overthinking put food on your table and a roof over your head. It’s time to start asking yourself the difficult questions.

Alchemist

Imagine being able to turn copper into gold? Or lead into silver?

RELATED: How to Vomit Pounds

Nomenclator

Someone who helps people to recall the names of everyone they’ve met. In this era of short-term memory, this should be a massive profession. Do you know how many awkward situations would be prevented if someone actually remembered names on people’s behalf?

Food tasters

With the rise of village people, it’s important for you to have someone taste the food you want to eat.

Knocker-upper

Are you tired of always snoozing your alarm and waking up late anyway? Well, a knocker-upper’s job is to wake people more effectively… by beating you till you wake up. You’ll never miss an alarm again.

Bell-ringer

Bell-ringing is a pretty accurate way to tell time for those who run from their responsibilities.

RELATED: 10 Signs a New Job Is About to Stress Your Life
As someone who’s also patiently waiting for January salary, Zikoko puts on its journalism cap to find out what’s taking it so long to arrive. What Zikoko got in return was kidnap, insult and a lesson on financial responsibility.

(Zikoko gets ready to leave its house when it’s suddenly accosted by two big bodyguards.)

Zikoko: Omo, they’ve finally decided today is my day

Bodyguard 1: Are you Zikoko?

Zikoko: Uhm… no?

Bodyguard 2: Oga told us you’ll do like this.

The bodyguards signal to one another and put a bag over Zikoko’s head. Then they lift it into a van. There’s a lot of screaming and shouting, but it seems like nobody hears.

Zikoko: Chai. I wonder which of my articles made them look for me?

(Zikoko is woken up with a splash of cold water on their face. It’s tied to a chair, and hands are bound)

Zikoko: Kinky, but at least, let me know who you are.

(January salary appears from the shadows)

January salary: Thank you, bodyguards. That’ll be all. Hello Zikoko. You asked to see me for an interview. Here I am.

Zikoko: Omo, you didn’t have to do all this.

January salary: Consider it a security measure.

Zikoko: God, abeg. Thank you for agreeing to have a chat with me sha. I know you’re very hard to track down.

January salary: It’s alright. You were very desperate.

Zikoko: I like to think of it as persistence in the face of injustice.

January salary: *sighs* I can’t believe you’re one of them.

Zikoko: Ah, one of who?

January salary: The people looking for me up and down. Did I tell you all I was lost?

Zikoko: But things are just tough.

January salary: Did I send you to do Detty December? You wanted to shake your ass on a yacht, did you think it’ll be free? When you were paying for ₦70k ticket to stand and wait outside for hours, was I there with you? When you were spending money at strip clubs and doing beach parties every Sunday, did you invite me? No! Now that you’ve finished galivanting around town and being “lit”, you’re looking for me everywhere. Why you dey find wetin no loss?

Zikoko: No need to shout. If you know we’re desperate, and we need you so badly, why are you taking so long to show up? I have gbese to pay, please.

January salary: I’m not taking any longer than the other months with 31 days. It’s just your poverty that’s affecting your thinking. This is the problem I have with you Gen Zs and millennials. You’re impatient. You know when something is supposed to get to you, but because you made some strange decisions, you want to now pressure me? No. I refuse to be pressured. I am not rice.

RELATED: Interview With the Naira: “Just Add a Little Yeast”

Zikoko: It’s not pressure. In fact, you too should be used to it.

January salary: Just because I know it’ll happen doesn’t mean I’m not tired of it. Put yourself in my shoes. Nobody remembers me for stuff like going to the club and travelling around the world. The only thing they use me for is bills, debts and complaints. I’m more than that.

Zikoko: I see you, and I hear you. Your feelings are valid, but tell me. Where are you hiding these days?

January salary: Why do you want to know?

Zikoko: I’m asking for a friend.

January salary: *just stares at Zikoko*

Zikoko: Please…

January salary:

Zikoko: I need to pay creche fees.

January salary:

Zikoko: I have two children…

January salary: Oh? What are their names?

Zikoko: Principality and powers…

January salary: *starts leaving*

Zikoko: Please, can I move in with you for the time being. The people I’m owing money are looking for me, and I can’t pay…

RELATED: Interview With Nigerian Internet Services: “Let Us Explain”
The subjects of this week’s Zikoko’s Love Life Lade(22) and Leah(23) tell us about leaving their partners to be with each other. They also share with us what led to their one-hour breakup and moving to be closer to each other.

Tell me about how you met

Lade: We met at an event in January 2020. We’d been mutuals on Twitter before then, but hadn’t interacted much. I saw a tweet of hers one day and realised she lived in Ibadan. I was part of a queer group at the time and was looking for more women to join so I dm’ed her and invited her to come to the event we were attending.

At the time, I didn’t have any real plans to make a move because I’d seen a tweet she made where she said she was 16. When we met, I thought she was gorgeous so I decided to confirm her age again which is when she explained that she was 21 and the tweet was a joke. That’s when I dropped some of my smoothest lines and we had a lot of fun at the event, but then she left me to talk to another woman

Leah: I thought it was clear that I was kidding about my age. The only reason I tweeted I was 16 years old was because I was sick of cishet men following and dm’ing me.

Also, it was one smooth-ish line and you forgot to follow up on it. About the other woman, the babe and had been talking for a bit. It would’ve been rude if I didn’t say hi.

What was the line?

Leah: I told her she was beautiful then she said she wasn’t going to compliment me because she didn’t want me to think that it was a back-at-ya kinda thing. She said she was going to tell me when I least expected it or had forgotten about it. I assumed she meant before the day/event ended but noooooo. She never did. Who does that?

Lade: I was much smoother than that, please. I said at some point during the event, you’d find me staring at you and that’s when I’d tell you how beautiful I thought you were.

Leah: Okay, but did you?

Lade: To be fair, there was that moment where you were walking barefoot and your gown was doing this thing and I did tell you that you looked like an angel then.

Leah: Doesn’t count.

Was that when you knew you both caught feelings?

Lade: It wasn’t until a couple of days later when she invited me over to sleep at her place. I made some weed milk to take along and we got trippy when we drank some of it. I remember everything feeling like a movie and me promising to make a film based on us. Then we were staring at each other and I suddenly realised “Shit, I’m in trouble”. I think I said that to her even. She asked what I meant and I just told her I really liked her. I didn’t tell her I was in love with her because I was in a relationship and I didn’t want to face what that meant at the time.

Leah: That night was perfect. It felt like we were the only ones on the planet. I knew I had caught feelings that night as well. The combination of painting her nails blue, the lighting, her smile and our conversations about nothing and everything felt so right. I didn’t want her to leave the next day.

Cute. So tell me about this relationship you were in.

Lade: I was in an open relationship but we’d been having some issues. My long-distance girlfriend at the time came to Ibadan for Valentine’s and we’d hoped to sort out those issues then. Unfortunately, things felt stilted throughout the stay and a couple of hours after she left Ibadan, I called and broke up with her.

Leah: I had ended my relationship before she did. Things were kinda rocky for her because she was still trying to figure out how to go forward with her relationship. She didn’t want to hurt her partner and I didn’t want to ruin anything. I tried to balance staying away and also being there for her but the staying away part was difficult.

After she broke up with her partner, I knew the right thing to do would be to take things slow and give everyone time to heal but I was hooked on this woman. The next thing I knew, two weeks later, I found myself in her house asking her how long I was going to have to wait for her to ask me to be her girlfriend. She said she was working on a special proposal but I didn’t want to wait any longer.

Lade: Women are so impatient. I didn’t want to ask her to be my girlfriend immediately because I didn’t want her to think she was a rebound. I was also trying to plan some special gesture to ask her out, but she came over one day and looked at me and said “So when do you plan on asking me to be your girlfriend?”

Did the special proposal still happen?

Lade: No. The moment she asked me that, I asked her to be my girlfriend and that was it. We’ve been together for almost 3 years now.

Leah: I can’t believe it’s been that long and I also can’t believe it’s been that short.

Lade: There’s so much about her to love. I love how smart she is — I love bouncing ideas off her or having her edit my work. She’s also so king and caring and not just to me. I remember a pride picnic we had in 2022 and everyone was drinking, smoking, or playing games and my wife was just randomly making a charcuterie board and organising food and drinks to make sure everyone got some of each item. I admire how she’s able to keep friendships and be there for people, especially because it’s something I struggle with.

Leah: It’s funny she thinks I’m a good people-person because I think she’s better at it than me. She has a way of lighting up any room and she’s so sweet and thoughtful.

So it’s been all roses and butterflies?

Lade: Not completely. There’s having to navigate family. We’re both out to our parents, but only her parents know what we are to each other. She has spent two New Year’s with me at my mum’s place in Lagos and I introduced her as my friend each time.

So there was all that navigation and being worried that the smallest looks, words, or touches, would make my mum suspicious.

I spent Christmas in 2022 at her parents’ place though and they were very welcoming and kind even though they knew about us.

RELATED: Love Life: Telling Our Parents Made Our Relationship Easy

Were Leah’s parents always so welcoming?

Leah: In late 2020, when I finally told them that Lade was my girlfriend, things were difficult. My mum had said that I shouldn’t invite her over because my dad wouldn’t be comfortable with that so for about a year and a half, I could only visit her at her place and go on dates.

Lade didn’t like that she couldn’t come over to be with me whenever I was feeling down or sick. She was worried that it was one-sided, me being the one who had to show up. I understood where she was coming from but I was just glad that I got to see her and that I wasn’t “banned” from hanging out with her. It’s even one of the reasons we “broke up”.

Tell me about this breakup

Lade: Well, it lasted for about an hour and it was because I was being very self-centered.

At some point in our relationship, we created a group chat that we called “Let it out” where you could rant in vns about things the other person did that upset us. The other person wasn’t supposed to listen to the vn unless they were permitted to. Part of the reason we created the group chat was because we didn’t have people we could vent to about each other and sometimes all you needed to do was vent.

One midnight, I sent this 20-minute-long vn to the group and then gave her permission to listen. The main issue I was venting about at the time was that I didn’t feel like I was a priority to her.

Leah is really close to her family and she was still trying to navigate her new relationship with them now that she was out to them. I was a student with no care at the time so I could drop everything and show up whenever she needed me, but she stayed with her family, etc so I didn’t feel like she felt the same with me. It felt like we’d never get to a point where she would, for example, move out of her parents’ and move in with me because she was constantly worried about who’d take care of them if she left.

Anyway, she dropped everything and came over that morning to talk it out, but as I said, I was being very inconsiderate and selfish. We didn’t quarrel or anything, I think there was just this soft implication that since it didn’t seem like she could leave her parents for me, maybe we should break up.

I had never cried that hard in my life. We just sat in the room crying. After like 15-30 minutes, she packed her stuff and left. I was still standing by the door crying when she came back and said something like “were you really going to let me leave?”

And then there was more crying and talking and then we made up. She called her parents and told them she’d be staying over at mine that day.

Leah: You weren’t being inconsiderate, babe. I understood where you were coming from. I could’ve communicated better and actually tried to see you more. Yes, I was worried about my parents and stuff but I was also just scared to bring you/us up a lot of times. If I’m being honest, avoiding that conversation with my parents seemed easier. I’m glad that talk/mini break-up happened because it was the kick I needed to just adult up and focus more on you, me, and us.

Okay, so back to the conversation with your mum. Why aren’t you having it yet Lade?

Leah: To be honest, I don’t want her to rush it. Things in my house were awkward when I came clean about my relationship. I don’t regret it but it definitely was tough. I think she should still enjoy how things are with her mum right now.

Lade: I keep coming up with reasons why it’s just not the right time yet. I’ve also been trying to figure out the best medium for it.

The bulk of the conversations we’ve had about my sexuality have been face-to-face but I don’t know if that’s the best medium. One of the times someone outed me to her, she waited for like a week to digest it and calm down and then sent me a long message. In the message, she mentioned that she intentionally waited to digest it so she wouldn’t say something she didn’t mean or something she’d regret. And in one of the face-to-face conversations we had, she did end up saying something that hurt me a bit.

So I’ve been trying to decide if I should tell her over the phone or via text so she has time to digest it first or if I should tell her face-to-face because it’s a serious conversation.

I think subconsciously, it’s also because of what Leah said. I don’t stay with my mum so things wouldn’t be awkward in the house, but my mum and I have a good relationship at the moment so I’m dreading upsetting it again.

RELATED: Love Life: I’m Scared to Tell My Parents About Him

I wish you luck with that. And as for your relationship with each other now, what’s it like?

Leah: In May 2022, she moved close to my area and now lives about 8-10 minutes away from me. The night she moved here, my dad scolded me for not inviting her over. He said she shouldn’t be alone, especially with no light and water, in a new house. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I texted her immediately and asked if she’d like to come over.

Since then, she’s been coming over at least once a week. My dad said I didn’t have to be informing him every time she’s coming over but I still get nervous telling my mum.

Lade: Honestly, I moved because the place I was staying in before was in horrible condition, but the location was specifically chosen so I could be close to her. I intentionally only looked for places around her side.

When my agent told me about my current place and I saw how close it was to hers, I dropped work and jumped bike to meet him before it would get snapped up and I made a down payment the same day.

That’s cute. On a scale of 1-10, how’ll you rate your love life?

Lade: A 10. It’s interesting because our relationship progresses as we go. We had a few minor fights in the first year, but we’ve worked through so much and have a good understanding of each other now. Somehow it feels like I’m more in love with her now than I ever was.

Leah: A 10. We’ve grown so much together. Our communication skills have improved a LOT and we know how to read each other. I’m grateful for the minor fights we’ve had because we always became stronger and more connected after settling. Like my wife said, I fall more and more in love with her each day. It’s crazy.

RELATED: Love Life: We Found Out We Have Chemistry in a Chemistry Lab
If you’ve never heard the phrase, “Abi ki pe Rexxie?”, you don’t spend enough time on the internet. As someone who’s chronically online, I spend days going through Nigerian Twitter. And not only is it a place where the funniest people on Earth dwell, it also teaches you a thing or two about pop culture. So, it makes sense that it was the first place I heard the phrase.

At first, I thought it was from a skit, or one of those viral TikTok sounds, but I knew I’d heard the name Rexxie before. I figured it had to come from a song or something related. So, with investigative journalism skills that rival the best in the nation, I went to google and typed “Abi ki pe Rexxie?” Hold your applause, not everyone can be an award-winning journalist.

The phrase is from Abracadabra, a song by — you guessed it — Rexxie featuring Naira Marley and Skiibii. I wasn’t expecting that song title, but it’s Nigerian music, you should always expect the unexpected. Now, it’s not Naira Marley’s song, but if there’s one thing we’ve learnt about Naira since he blew up in 2019, it’s that he will make a tune so catchy, it’ll be stuck in your head. That’s why if you asked the majority of social media users who use the phrase what the name of the song is, they wouldn’t have an answer for you. Why? Because they’ve not actually listened to the song beyond the Naira Marley snippet.

RELATED: Naira Marley Might Know Exactly What He’s Doing

If you don’t know what “Abi ki pe Rexxie?” means, it‘s “Should I call Rexxie?” After listening to the song a couple of times, I’ve realised that Naira Marley wants to turn us into modern day philosophers. That line alone has left me with enough thoughts and theories to outrank Aristotle and Plato.

Why is Naira Marley calling Rexxie? Does Rexxie owe him money? Rexxie is a producer and Naira is singing on his beat, so it’s not like Naira Marley is calling Rexxie to come and take over the verse. What then are we calling Rexxie for? Is there something Naira Marley knows that the rest of us are unaware of? Should I beckon upon Rexxie whenever I have problems? Will Rexxie have answers?

After spending days dissecting it, I’ve come to the conclusion that only one person has the answer to the questions I seek. So, maybe I too should call Rexxie.

RELATED: 2022 Was the Year of Asake But Look Out for These 10 Artistes in 2023
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

The subjects of this Sunken Ships, Eno* (23) and Emem* (21), share how love wasn’t enough in their relationship. They talk to us about the situations surrounding their breakup, choosing to remain friends and thoughts on getting back together.

How did the two of you meet?

Eno: We met in person in January 2020, but we started texting in December 2019 when I responded to one of her tweets.

She’ had mentioned she was coming to get yarn somewhere around my office for something she was crocheting. I jokingly asked her to buy me food. She did, and I gave her the most horrible directions she never let me live down.

Emem: Emphasis on the horrible directions part. I don’t know how they do it, but they can make you get lost on a straight road. I decided to come see them because I was bored. Also, we had been texting a lot leading up to that time, so I just thought seeing them wouldn’t be bad. It became a thing where whenever I was anywhere close to that area, I’d try to see them.

Eno: If we were not physically seeing each other, we were on calls for hours on end. I was enamored by her and everything she did. I wondered how one person could be so full of life. She was amazing.

Emem: Was? Ah.

Eno: Shut up.

LMAO. When did feelings get involved?

Eno: I realised she liked me in February when she tried to buy me a Valentine’s Day gift. She said she got gifts for all her friends, but she didn’t talk to me like someone who was talking to their friend.

Emem: Truly, I do buy gifts for my close friends every year, or I at least try to. With Eno, I said that because I didn’t think they liked me too.

Eno: I knew I had feelings for her, but I also had feelings for someone else. I couldn’t reconcile liking two people at once, and it kept leading to arguments.

I know it hit me one day in June. It was after one of our arguments. We weren’t speaking to each other, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. With every errand I ran, I wanted to share the silly things that happened to me with her. That’s when it hit me that oh, I was actually in love with this person.

Emem: We started dating in the first week of July. I texted them one day and was like why don’t we do this relationship thing.

Eno: I wanted to ask, but she beat me to it. She always beat me to everything. Her blood is too hot.

Emem: If I like something, I go after it. I don’t like wasting time.

What was the relationship like?

Eno: We were in love, and it felt perfect-ish, like we made sense together. The good days were really good, but the bad days were really bad. She always got me; I didn’t have to struggle to explain certain things I did or why I did them.

We had a messy beginning, and it took a toll on the relationship. I hated to admit it, but it did. Loving her was easy though. Unfortunately, in many ways, we kept hurting each other. One thing she used to say was, “Love is not enough” and she was right because it wasn’t.

Emem: I’m a broken person, and the thought that a relationship could be without drama was very new to me. I felt like problems were necessary, so when we solved them, it felt wrong.

The beginning was messy because they were new to relationships and wanted to go at a much slower pace than me. I think that was the main problem of our relationship; we never walked at the same pace.

I wanted to buy them all the gifts I could buy, and show them off. But they wanted to be more intimate, to spend more time together, getting to really know each other. I felt we could figure ourselves out later on in the relationship, but they thought we should do all of that in the beginning.

By the time they started picking up the pace, I’d slowed down.

Is that why you broke up?

Eno: I didn’t listen enough to her physical and emotional needs, so we became incompatible somehow. I didn’t make her feel loved and wanted.

Emem: Instead of communicating with them how I felt, I kept letting it pile up till I just burst from frustration and annoyance. I dated them for two years, and for half of that time, we were walking on thin ice around each other.

Eno: She stopped getting me the way she used to. It’s like she forgot there were other parts of me than the ones she already knew.

She stopped asking me what movies I enjoyed and just kept referring the ones I watched when I was a teenager. It felt like she was stuck on the person she met and not the one she was growing in a relationship with.

Emem: We should’ve broken up a long time ago, but by November 2022, I knew we couldn’t enter the New Year the way we were, so I asked that we break up.

Eno: Every day after the breakup was hell. I cried so much and couldn’t eat, and I was miserable. I couldn’t share jokes with her or see her, and God, I cried. I cried on the bus and the road. Everywhere. I have no idea how I got anything done.

I knew we were going to break up, but I hoped we wouldn’t. Even though I was prepared for the possibility of a break up, the reality knocked the wind out of me. I was rendered useless.

I felt alone in my sadness. I didn’t know if I meant anything or if we were important. I hated the awkwardness that came with texting her. It was like a grating noise. She called me my name one time during text instead of the nickname she gave me and I cried myself to sleep.

Emem: I may have asked that we break up, but I cried a lot. There were days when I’d want to call and tell them about my day, but I couldn’t. The realisation would lead to more tears. It was a lot. They’d weaved themselves into every corner of my life, and I couldn’t escape them. Their birthday is my password, so every time I opened my phone I was reminded of the fact that this person was no longer in my life. They were friends with my friends and we even had to do some work together. Even the book I was reading in school was bought for me by them. I couldn’t escape.

I felt like I had made a huge mistake with the break up, but at the same time, I knew I did the right thing. We needed to work on ourselves away from each other.

Eno: I missed all the silly things that made no sense to anyone but us, her teasing me, having someone be more excited than me about my stupid interests. I missed her in her entirety.

I also missed her mum. I didn’t know how much of our lives had become so intertwined until the break-up. She was unavoidable. I didn’t even want to avoid her.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should Have Been Friends Before We Dated

Is that why you’re still friends?

Eno: To be honest, it was hard to be friends at first. I’d blocked her everywhere because everything was too painful a reminder of the relationship, but I missed her friendship.

We make the best friends. The jokes and conversations we have, I love them. I eventually responded to texts, called, and we fell into a comfortable routine a month after we broke up.

Emem: That’s my guy forever and ever. Even though the romantic part of our relationship suffered, the friendship was always there. We showed up for each other and even after we broke up, we still show up for each other. Being friends with Eno is a special type of relationship, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Eno: Yeah, what she said.

Emem: I greatly dislike you.

Eno: You love me.

Emem: I really do.

Something you learnt from the breakup?

Eno: I learnt that I’d somehow lost my sense of self. I didn’t know how to be soft anymore, how to enjoy my company, and I’m capable of being bold and better. Also that she’s softer than she lets me know.

Emem: I’ve always been a softie, but yeah, I was too hard with you. It’s unfortunate that almost everyone saw the softest version of myself but the person I was supposed to be in a relationship with. I learnt that I have problems, and I’m trying to work on them. But I’m enjoying this whole being single thing for now.

Do you see yourselves getting back together?

Eno: Yes. Well, I hope so.

Emem: Yeah, I do, but like, not now. We have some personal things to discover.

Eno: And we need to make sure we won’t make the same mistakes we made the last time.

Emem: Period, bestie.

What do you plan to do differently?

Eno: If I feel more secure spending time with myself, I’d be able to show up more for her and actually listen to her and not just hear what I think. I’ll show her how much I love her at every given moment and make the silly TikTok with her. I’ll dance on the road with her and just enjoy her without asking her to be more or less than she is.

Emem: I’ll talk about things more. I didn’t know when I became so closed off to them, but I plan on opening up more. In fact, I’m even trying now. Abi?

Eno: Yes, you are.

Emem: Baby steps and a lot of hard work, but I try because I love the idiot.

Eno: I might maybe love you too.

Emem: LMAO. You’re adorable.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup
Being a delusional girl is choosing to ignore facts and remain in a reality you choose. When you enter your delusional era, you believe your wildest dreams are not only possible but normal. You should try it today, and here’s why.

Men do it, so why not?

Men are constantly told they have “audacity”, and that’s what allows them to apply for jobs they’re not qualified for and demand attention from women they don’t know. Why can’t we do the same?

Reality is hard

You’re a woman living on Earth, so odds are stacked against you. If you’re now poor or queer, it’s finished. Why then do you want to be stuck in this reality that contantly tries to frustrate you? Be delusional; escape into the part in your head where everything works for your good.

RELATED: 8 Extremely Honest and Helpful Mini Skirt Tips

It’s fun

Sometimes, alter your reality for shits and giggles. If you say you’re a princess, who’s going to check you?

What has being realistic done for you?

In all the years you’ve been realistic, what have you achieved? What has the realism actually done? Try a new approach to life and watch everything change.

RELATED: Nigerian Women Should Stop Apologising for These 9 Ridiculous Things

Heal your inner child

When you were younger, you had a wider imagination and actually believed in the impossible. Entering your delusional girl era connects you to that part of yourself. It’ll heal your inner child.

Extra motivation

If you’re convinced the universe exists simply to cater to your every need, and that everything works together for you, you’d be gingered to do the impossible. Why? Because the universe won’t let you down.

Improve your mental health

If you’re too busy altering your own reality, what time will you have to be depressed and anxious? The answer is none.

REAL ALSO: What She Said: I Still Cry Every Time I Have to Eat
Soft launching a partner on social media is letting people know you’re not single like the rest of them, without explicitly revealing who you’re with. You give the people just enough but not too much.

Soft launches are great for many reasons, but most importantly because it prevents your village people from doing the most in your relationship. It’ll prevent them from interfering in the following ways.

Knowing who you’re with

Sometimes, you really don’t want people to know who you’re currently in a relationship with. If they do, they start acting weird and moving different to the person.

They can’t cast you if you cheat

With a soft launch, you can post multiple people at the same time and people will think it’s all the same person. When your other partner asks about the image, you can say it’s a friend or you don’t know the person.

RELATED: A Side Chick’s Guide for When the Partner Finds Out

Arrow misdirection

Any arrow they want to send your partner’s way won’t even know where to go because even the village people don’t know who to send it to.

Spreading inaccurate information

Because your village people don’t know who exactly you’re with, all the gossip they spread about the relationship will be exposed as a lie.

RELATED: Ethical Gossip Is Possible: Here’s How to Gossip in Good Conscience

Exposing your fans

The people invested in your life and romance will be exposed. How? They’ll start asking questions and trying to piece together what did not break. Now, you know the people monitoring your every move.

Denial

A soft launch is like a trial period. If the person decides to fuck up during that time, you don’t have to try too hard to delete the cute pictures you have on your social media. Also, cropping them out will be easier because there’s barely any part of them in the image.

Finding the love of your life

With a soft launch, the actual love of your life knows it’s not so serious that they no longer have a chance with you. They’ll just have a heads up that someone might snatch you from them. This prompts them to act fast to give you your fairytale love. Don’t let the person you’re with stop you from finding your happily ever after.

RELATED: QUIZ: When Will You Meet the Love of Your Life?
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

The subjects of this Love Life Elizabeth* (20) and Oyin* (20) walk us through a relationship that almost didn’t happen, discovering their chemistry during a chemistry practical and finding a way to keep their two-year relationship alive in medical school.

Tell me how you met

Elizabeth: We met in 2019 in our first year, during a chemistry practical in the laboratory.

Oyin: We were put in the same group. I had to take notes from the experiments we carried out, and she made fun of my handwriting. Then we started talking.

Elizabeth: I actually wanted to talk to him because he’s pretty smart, and I needed some help with schoolwork. Making fun of his handwriting was me shooting my academic shot.

LMAO. How did that work out?

Elizabeth: We exchanged numbers and kept in touch.

Oyin: Only for the first week. After that, we didn’t speak again. She had a boyfriend, and I didn’t want to push for anything. Ever since that conversation we had at the lab, I knew I was into her, but with the boyfriend involved, I was respecting boundaries. Whenever we saw each other in school, we’d have a friendly conversation but nothing more than that. It was never awkward or anything.

When did you start talking again?

Oyin: It was in 2020. I had come late to a class and the only empty seat was beside her.

Elizabeth: We talked to each other all through the class.

Is this what our future doctors are doing?

Oyin: LMAO. It happens sometimes. She spoke about how she always came to class early. But me? I was a serial latecomer.

Elizabeth: That’s why after the class, I texted and offered to keep a seat for him in every class we attended. I offered, not just because I was being nice, but because I’m attracted to him.

What about your boyfriend?

Elizabeth: Boyfriend was still in the picture, but we faced issues. He’d cheated and the relationship was hanging by a thread. I knew it was going to end, so I didn’t see anything wrong with at least talking to Oyin.

Oyin: We talked in every class and even after.

Were you people even learning anything? Plus, what were you even talking about?

Oyin: I want to believe we were learning, and we talked about anything. One conversation led to another that led to another. Whatever we didn’t finish saying in class, we’d continue over text.

Elizabeth: We could have the fluffiest conversation and immediately transition into traumatic moments that altered our lives. It was nice to have someone you could just talk to. That’s why in May 2020, three months after we started talking again, I told him I liked him. At this point, I’d broken up with my boyfriend and wanted to see if Oyin and I could develop anything more than a friendship. Unfortunately, he didn’t reciprocate my feelings.

Oyin: I didn’t want to lead her on when I didn’t feel it as intensely as she did. I told her I only liked her as a friend and wanted to remain friends.

Elizabeth: And it’s partly because there was another girl he liked.

Oh? Tell us about this girl

Oyin: She’s also a medical student. I started talking to her towards the end of 2019, but our conversations mainly happened when we were both in school.

Elizabeth: Before I met Oyin, the babe and I were friends, but after a falling out, we stopped speaking to each other. Seeing her be all besties with him annoyed me, but I didn’t say anything about it.

Oyin: It’s funny because the thing I had with this other babe was undefined. It’s not like we’d spoken about having feelings or anything. We were just going with the flow but we’d end every conversation with “I love you”.

However, I got to find out that all the I love you’s she told me were friendly, and she actually had a boyfriend. It was a very serious reality check.

Elizabeth: LMAO. Toh. I thought they were an item, but maybe not with labels.

Oyin: Not at all o. We were just talking one day in April 2020, and she mentioned her boyfriend. I was like, “Ah. From where?” I sha got the memo and knew my place in her life.

So what happened to you and Elizabeth in the midst of all this?

Oyin: We still spoke. She was still my friend.

Elizabeth: He paid her more attention than me so I moved aside for a minute. I was trying my best to play it cool, but then, something happened.

I had a small house party on my birthday in July. I’d invited him because he’s my friend, but he said he doesn’t go to people’s houses. No wahala o. Fast forward to August and I see a video of him in his friend’s house, celebrating her birthday. He was even singing. I was livid. I couldn’t speak to him for a couple of days.

Wait. Was the friend that babe?

Elizabeth: Gbam! I was so pissed.

Oyin: To be fair, the babe posted the video she saw.

Why was she even with your phone? You’re not helping yourself at all

Oyin: Everything happened in a blur. I opened social media and saw her subbing me all over her timeline. I deleted the video and tried to explain what happened, but she didn’t answer.

Why did you go to this babe’s house but not Elizabeth’s?

Oyin: I was just nervous because I knew Elizabeth’s parents would be there, and I didn’t want to meet them. This other babe lived alone so there was no such pressure.

Elizabeth: That’s what he told me o, but I wasn’t buying what he was selling at the time.

Oyin: I waited a couple of days for her head to cool down before I texted her again.

Elizabeth: I was supposed to be angry at him, but I really liked him and not talking to him made me sad.

Oyin: After the apology, we started talking a lot more, and I liked her a lot more than I did initially. I started planning to ask her out, but I didn’t want to do it over the phone.

Elizabeth: We were trying to planning for his birthday in September. That’s how one day, I mentioned I wanted to give the birthday boy a kiss on his birthday. He agreed. I don’t even know why I offered. I was feeling adventurous maybe, but I’m glad I did.

RELATED: Love Life: Telling Our Parents Made Our Relationship Easy

How did the kiss happen?

Elizabeth: So we were arguing because I’d given another boy a lap dance, and for some reason, he was pissed.

Oyin: In my head, I was planning to ask her out, and she had said she wanted to give me a kiss, but here she was, giving someone else a lap dance. Plus, she knew I already had feelings for her. Why’d she do that?

The same way you knew she had feelings for you and didn’t attend her birthday but attended that babe’s?

Elizabeth: Gbam!

Oyin: Fair point.

Elizabeth: Anyways, he called me into a room, and as we were arguing, I asked if I could give him the kiss then. As a gone guy, he agreed.

Oyin: Then we had a conversation, and I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Elizabeth: I loved him and knew I wanted to be with him, so I agreed.

Cute. What was it like moving from friends to partner?

Elizabeth: Hmm.

Oyin: It had its good moments, but it wasn’t so smooth in the beginning. There were unresolved issues that got dragged into the relationship.

Elizabeth: By unresolved issues, he means that babe he liked. They were still friends, and it made me feel a kind of way.

Oyin: Okay, that’s more specific. The babe and I were still friends for the first three months of Elizabeth and I’s relationship.

Elizabeth: It was weird how big of a place she had in our relationship. It was extra weird because she had her own relationship to worry about. Apparently, she was his “best friend” and would always give him weird opinions about me based on the falling out we had a year or two before Oyin and I even met.

Oyin: I tried to keep my distance from her for a bit. Then she confronted me about it and called me a horrible friend that didn’t care about her. I didn’t reach out to her to even try to fix things, so that’s how the relationship ended.

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After cutting her off, what did the relationship look like?

Elizabeth: It was much easier. We were actually able to grow as a couple.

Oyin: Yeah, it was so much better. Less arguing and external forces.

But navigating all this while studying medicine?

Elizabeth: Yeah, it was hard. It’s a difficult course to study. You barely have time for yourself, but we try to keep it going.

Oyin: We’re both there so we understand how the schedules are. We attend classes together, do homework and even study together. It’s our way of ensuring we spend time in each other’s presence.

Elizabeth: It’ll definitely be a lot harder if only one of us is studying medicine, but I guess that’s where we’re lucky.

Oyin: We always find a way.

Lord, our future doctors are using lab to do love. Anyways, on a scale of 1-10, rate your love life

Elizabeth: I feel like nobody in life will ever understand me the way Oyin does. I don’t know how to put my emotions into words, LMAO, but I know I want to do forever with him. I’d have given it a 10, but nothing is perfect, and 9 is the closest we can get to perfection.

Oyin: Me, I’ll rate it a 10. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and hopefully have a family someday. It feels right.

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The exes in question don’t include the emotionally and physically abusive, toxic ones or those who don’t have anything to offer anyone in their life. We’re talking about the one you lost because of distance, lack of communication, falling out of love and other fixable stories.

So with these seven points of ours, we want to convince you and not confuse you to give your ex a chance.

Your parents are tired of hearing new names every week

First it was Ade, then Tolu, Tobi, Chisom, Alex, Eno and many others. Your parents are old. How do you expect them to erase names from their memory every couple of weeks? Let them use their brain power for other things.

There’s nothing outside

Everyone on the streets is problematic. If they’re not talking about stupid things like body count, it’s how you shouldn’t expect basic human kindness from the person you’re sleeping with. Do you really want to participate in such razz activities? Outside is cold; your ex is warm. Think about it.

RELATED: The Streets Is a Terrible Place — and It’s Partly Your Fault

Pity your friends

The group chat has created a spreadsheet to keep track of all the people you’re talking to. Spare them. How many people can they block or dodge in public? They can’t even attend certain events because one of your former people might be there. Plus, the more people you date, the less they can date. Please, pity your friends.

You know them

With your favourite ex, you know how they like to be comforted when they’re sad, the foods they like to eat and things that make them happy. These things are ingrained in your brain, so you don’t have to do trial and error. Go back to where navigating a relationship doesn’t feel like a minefield.

RELATED: QUIZ: Tell Us a Little About Yourself and We’ll Guess Your Favourite Ex

Do you really want to start finding out another person’s favourite colour?

This year that you’ve chosen to get your money up, you want to still take time out to learn someone’s favourite colour? Are you not tired of all the small talk? With your ex, you already know all the basics. You’ve gotten to a point where you might commit crimes if someone new asks you what you like to do for fun. Kirikiri blue won’t fit you, but do you know what will? Your favourite ex.

Are you not tired of the playlists?

How many people have made you playlists this month? Are you trying to have so many playlists that Spotify or Apple Music will carry gbese?

You don’t have to talk too much

Your favourite ex understands why you hate certain family members, why you’re banned from certain restaurants, or why you passport was seized. They know how to plan things that won’t require you to start explaining too much. However, whoever you start talking to will need explanation upon explanation. That’s tiring. Your ex isn’t tiring.

They’re your favourite ex, so they must have done some things right

The fact that this person is considered your favourite ex means they must have done a lot of things right. So ask yourself why you let it all end? Distance? Communication? Lack of love? Any of these three things can be handled with a long phone call and plenty tears.

At the end of the day, if whatever made you and your favourite ex break up is something fixable, fix it. There are many unfortunate people in the world, but the foolish person you know is better than the foolish person you don’t know.

RELATED: So You Want to Be Friends With Your Ex?

How did you meet Yinka?

So you met up with her?

When did you start noticing the change?

Ah

Coincidence?

Chelsea c’mon nau

Detective doings

Did she ever reach out after that?

How did you meet?

What did you think when he DM’ed you?

Please, don’t jump. We need the steps that led to the exploration

Did you tell him?

Why were you telling everyone about her?

You people have jumped again

You hadn’t met yet?

Back to the relationship you got into in May

So what changed your mind?

When did you finally meet?

God, when? What did having that meeting do for both of you?

And it happened! But how?

You’ve been together for a year. Can you tell us what you love most about each other?

Did you still do the non-monogamous relationship?

Do you have plans to date other people?

On a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your love life?

Tell me about first impressions

Was that how you started talking?

Why study partners?

When did you both act on this tension?

But did you guys take it further?

Did you keep the promise?

And how did things go?

Why did you break up with the other guy?

Are you scared history might repeat itself?

Tell me things you love about each other

What’s the end game for both of you?

On a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your love life?

What was your relationship with your uncle like pre-elections?

How did the fight start?

Explain

What’ll happen after the elections?

Not ironing their clothes

Biting their partners

Having a breakdown

Collecting their partner’s food

Carrying tiny bags

Eating like armed robbers

Arriving late to everything

How did you and your best friend meet?

That’s adorable

How did the guy now enter into all of this?

Was it love at first text?

Then what?

What changed?

Damn

Why?

What did you do?

Wow. That’s a lot

Make sure you’re in different departments

Don’t wear their clothes to the office

No pet names

Have a side thing so people don’t suspect

Do nothing together

Don’t talk about your dates on social media

Deny everything

Give El-Rufai

Trade with an akara seller

Rag

Handkerchief

Sew cloth

Make a wig

Wrap your notebooks

Keep for your children and grandchildren

Talk to me

Ah

Please explain

How did that work out?

Damn

What made it so great?

But nobody sounds broke here

What if she was struggling?