Today, I will be recapping the fight between Chioma and Carolyna in this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Lagos.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Brethren, we all know what we’re here. So I’m going to skip through the episode and only talk about the parts that tie into this fight.

Okay? Okay.

Let’s start by giving props to the editing team at Livespot360 (the production team responsible for the show) for beginning the episode with a montage of Chioma and Carolyna hanging out and having fun, foreshadowing the later events of the episode. There’s a clip of them buying jewellery:

A clip of them hailing each other at Toyin’s traditional party thing from two episodes prior.

And a clip from the previous episode where Chioma says this to Carolyna:

I stan shady video editing.

At some point in between the events of this episode, Iyabo and Carolyna get into an altercation that almost leads to Iyabo beating the shit out of Carolyna. This fight isn’t shown onscreen, so the way it comes up is quite jarring. After a scene of the ladies hanging out on a yacht, we return from a commercial break to see Chioma, Mariam, and Laura talking about the fight on phone calls with other people. (Chioma, with her sister; Mariam, with her sister; and Laura, with her friend.)

From what I can gather, Carolyna was rude to Iyabo after the party on the yacht the previous night, accusing her of being insensitive and doing way too much all time, everywhere at once. Carolyna tops this off by telling Iyabo to stop acting like her mother because she’s not. Understandably pissed, Iyabo is like:

Iyabo serves She-Hulk realness by running at and attempting to wreck Carolyn’s face with her fists. Chioma intercepts this impending face pounding by running into Iyabo’s path, but Iyabo picks her up like a ragdoll and tosses her into the bedroom mirror. Judging by the fact that Carolyna’s face isn’t dented the next morning, I’m guessing the other housewives were successful at stopping Iyabo.

Does that sound gloriously messy? Yes. Will we ever see the footage? Probably not.

I hate that I had to piece this together from clips of the housewives talking about it in their confessionals. What was production doing when this fight took place? Are they telling me that no cameras were rolling? Where is the footage?? WHY WAS THE THIS FIGHT HIDDEN FROM US?!

#ReleaseTheIyaboAndCarolynaFootage

Fast forward to later in the episode, the ladies are hanging out by the pool when Chioma references the Iyabo/Carolyna fight. Carolyna tries to change the topic by bringing up Laura but Chioma checks her immediately.

Chioma tries to explain to Carolyna how bad Carolyna’s behaviour was, pointing out Carolyna’s refusal to apologise to Iyabo until Chioma forced her to. Carolyna says this is a lie, and that’s how their fight starts, ladies and gentlemen. With Chioma screaming:

As the argument slowly escalates, I notice that Carolyn’s M.O is throwing out random accusations and hoping that one sticks. In the span of a few minutes, she claims that Chioma is accusing her of not being remorseful for her behaviour because Chioma wants:

• A favour from Iyabo.
• To join Iyabos clique.
• To get back at her for making fun of Chioma’s boyfriend.

Carolyna realises that she’s not winning the argument and attempts to ruin Chioma’s reputation in the eyes of the other ladies, telling them that Chioma believed they were razz when they all met for the first time. This doesn’t work because Chioma owns up to it and says that her opinion of them has changed now that she knows them better. We get a few more minutes of this:

Some of the other ladies are lowkey enjoying the chaos.

Meanwhile, Laura hears the fight happening and is happy because she assumes this vindicates her in her fight with Carolyna earlier in the season. I have bad news for her because:

Things get hotter when Carolyna insults Chioma’s entire family by calling them bastards. Chioma flares up and attacks her.

I just wish she didn’t knock Iyabo down in the process sha.

The episode ends with both Chioma and Carolyna stating in their confessionals that their friendship is over.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Most Insane Nigerian Porn Titles On The Internet So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be reviewing insane semo recipes.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

If you’re an avid reader of Zikoko, you know that we’ve spent years relentlessly pushing the agenda that the swallow known as semo is awful.

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1337377032808886272?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1433502721571758082?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1286226143377596422?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1296726209670373376?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

We can’t stop, won’t stop pushing this agenda because semo is terrible. It’s the worst of all the known swallows, and rumour has it that vulcanisers use it to patch holes in car tyres.

This brings us to today’s issue. I recently came across a website that claims to contain “7812 easy and tasty semo recipes.”

Alas, no one said sike.

Because I like suffering, I went through the website and saw horrible things.

Mama, let’s research.

I imagine that this tastes like sadness. Even syrup won’t help mask the taste of despair.

This semolina glazed bread looks like a mutant doughnut whose creation was botched during the cloning process and is now begging you to shoot it square in the face because it’s in so much pain and wants to be put out of its misery.

I just gagged…and not in a good way.

IS THAT OKRO SOUP?!

You can tell this meat pie isn’t normal because it’s so fucking mishappen. This is not ok. None of this is ok.

Once again, none of those toppings will help mask the depressing taste of semo.

Nope.

Imagine biting into puff puff and realising that the texture is weird because it’s made from semo, and there are also raisins in it. I will burn everyone and everything to the ground.

I blame Buhari for this. If beans didn’t become so expensive, this wouldn’t be happening.

God, abeg.

This is going to be more tasteless than a struggling Nigerian Instagram comedian’s skits.

If your friends get you this for your birthday, I want you to know that they hate you. Not only do they hate you, they secretly hope that you die in a Final Destination-style freak accident. Preferably one that involves a lot of pain.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Most Insane Nigerian Porn Titles On The Internet So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be reviewing the most insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The things I saw while researching this article have scarred me for life. If you see me on the road, squeeze $16,000 into my palms.

I have the best job in the world. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I came across this tweet yesterday:

Wow, a lot going on here. pic.twitter.com/v5c4IcpR75

— Sarah Lynn? (@wonuolasekinat) May 30, 2022

And immediately decided that this week’s “So You Don’t Have To” would be about insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet. My job allowed me — nay, required me — to go through dozens of pages of porn. You wish you had my job.

Also, if you see me on the road, give me a hug and rub my head. I’ve seen horrible things.

I Care A Lot (2020), starring Rosamund Pike.

To be clear, the protagonist of this film would hang around a building full of blind guys, knowing that they would immediately get lost when trying to go anywhere and pretend to help but would direct them to an uncompleted building next door to have sex? I stan a scheming queen.

It’s giving Ralia the Sugar Girl all grown up and looking to provide some sugar.

Where is this local bathroom that she just stumbled into the evil forest from Igodo while looking for it? And why is she naked?

Daddy Bubu has indeed ruined everything. Even Nigerian sexual role play ideas.

You know what? These are trying times, and if Nigerians use role-play to cope with Daddy Bubu’s terrible presidency, so be it.

How To Get Away With Fornication

This story has more plot twists than the 2019 Nigerian crime thriller film, The Set-Up. Inject it.

Maybe this can be the plot of the inevitable Nneka the Pretty Serpent sequel Charles of Play is planning.

I love that the marine kingdom is evolving with the times and now accepts all other forms of payment. Shout out to the current reigning Queen Mother for all her hard work and innovation.

I’m thoroughly confused by this. Did she not know she was naked? And she was sitting on the village local public pussy champion? Why is “local” in this twice? Step grandma??

Temptation Everywhere All At Once (2022)

I wonder if this is what it was like for the people that angels were coming down from heaven to bump genitals with back in Noah’s time.

Old Roger Is Dead (2022)

My theory is that she bumped genitals just above his grave, and Roger wasn’t having it, so he cursed her with leprosy from the afterlife.

Awwwww. I stan a progressive couple.

I can see a piano, so I hope to God that this becomes a musical at some point.

That’s fucked up.

Why the bush, though? Doesn’t the chief’s son have a house??

Things move so fast that you almost forget the implied incest.

Why was she bathing her stepsister?

How To Get Away With Fornication 2: Day of Reckoning

Is the wife having sex with her boyfriend at the gate? That’s hardcore.

My favourite thing about this is how cocky the protagonist sounds.

Somewhere in the multiverse, there’s an insanely misguided White Hunters spin-off named Black Hunters, and this is the plot.

I love behind-the-scenes tea.

There’s way too much going on here to understand, but I’m happy the cameraman got to join in the fun.

Ah. The oracle sef??

Oracles need good loving too. Who knew?

Is…is that the protagonist’s inner monologue?

Konji is a terrible thing.

I’m going to leave you all with the worst of all.

Everything about this is cursed.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed the Most Insane Mobile Game Ads So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the incredibly messy 8th episode of Real Housewives Of Lagos.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I know you’re here for the DRAMA, but let’s do a quick recap of the show for those who don’t watch or do watch but need a refresher.

Real Housewives of Lagos is a reality show that was produced by Livespot360 and premiered on Showmax in April 2022. A spin-off of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise, Showmax describes the show as “a peek into the lives into the opulent and oh-so-extra lifestyle of some of the most affluent women in Lagos, living their best Eko-Miami lives. Plus, all the drama and gbas gbos you can expect from The Real Housewives franchise.”

The main cast (from L to R) includes:

• Toyin Lawani (aka Tiannah Styling): Serial entrepreneur and unhinged fashion designer.
• Chioma Ikoku (aka Chioma Goodhair): Lawyer, Co-founder of Goodhair LTD, and goddess of beauty.
• Mariam Trimmer: PR expert and instigator of fun.
• Carolyna Hutchings: Actress and self-proclaimed oil and gas mogul.
• Iyabo Ojo: Actress and good vibes queen.
• Laura Ikeji: Social media influencer and fashion blogger.

The show follows the same format as the other instalments. In every episode, one of the housewives throws a party as an excuse to gather the cast together in one place, with the production team hoping that drama of some kind will happen. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the messy fight that went down in this week’s episode.

In the last episode, Mariam invited the girls over to her house for a fancy lunch, which ended up becoming a late dinner because Carolyna and Chioma showed up like six hours late. Laura was clearly upset about the tardy duo keeping everyone waiting but said nothing, choosing instead to grumble over everything else (the food, the entertainment, etc) and attacking Chioma and Carolyna the next day in their WhatsApp group. Here’s the message she sent:

Chioma stayed silent through the whole thing but Carolyna was giving it back to Laura hot hot. The episode ended with Carolyn accusing Laura of being a runs girl who gets pimped out to Nigerian politicians for money.

Let’s get into the juicy part of the week’s episode

Stressed out by the tension stemming from the events of the last episode, Iyabo invites all the housewives to a meeting to squash the beef, but the exact opposite happens. Before we talk about the fights, let’s hold hands and gaze upon Toyin living her “Pennywise the dancing clown” fantasy.

Round 1: Iyabo Vs Laura

Iyabo starts the meeting by addressing everyone. Laura is in the corner looking smug because she thinks this meeting is for tackling Chioma and Carolyn’s late coming. She is shocked when Iyabo turns to her and is like:

Laura loudly asks to know why the girls are always on her ass about one thing or another, and Iyabo explains that it’s that Laura never verbally expresses when something is bothering her. She just channels all that energy into being a Debby Downer bringing down the vibe. The conversation perfectly segues into the next round.

Round 2: Toyin Vs Laura

Iyabo points out that Laura went into Super Saiyan Debber Downer mode at Mariam’s dinner and was rude to Toyin, even though Toyin was just trying to make sure Laura was ok. Toyin agrees and starts to talk about how Laura’s “You’re doing too much” comment made her feel when Laura takes the conversation in a different direction by accusing Toyin of being a terrible friend.

Toyin tries to explain that just because they’re friends doesn’t mean she has to support Laura’s bad behaviour, but Laura isn’t having it. They engage in a screaming match for like half a minute while Chioma and Iyabo loudly cackle in the corner.

When her gaslighting doesn’t work, Laura quickly apologises to Toyin, stating in her confessional that the only reason she apologised is so the other housewives won’t make fun of her for fighting with her only “real” friend.

Round 3: Carolyna Vs Laura

Laura tries to defend her anger that night by pointing out that Chioma and Carolyna must’ve planned to come for Mariam’s event later because they dressed in dinner clothes while the rest dressed for lunch. Carolyna, who has been quiet this whole time, comes alive and is like:

Laura ignores the comment and seemingly starts backtracking, claiming that the message she sent to the group chat — the one that started this whole thing — wasn’t directed at anybody in particular, which is insane because the message had Carolyna and Chioma’s names in it. Iyabo points this out, and Laura adds that she wasn’t even angry when she sent the message. Let’s read that message again.

The other housewives are like:

Carolyn accuses Laura of always wanting to start drama with her and Chioma because she wants more followers on social media. The reaction shot that follows this should be made into a painting.

Laura says this doesn’t make sense because she has more followers than Chioma and Carolyna combined. And she’s right.

They keep going back and forth while the others watch. Things get heated when Laura threatens to beat up Carolyna’s ass if she ever mentions her sister’s name (Linda). Carolyna is like:

And Laura goes to attack her, but the others hold her back. Carolyn keeps going by accusing Laura of being pimped to a Nigerian politician back in 2017. Laura denies it and jumps at Carolyna, but Mariam, like a rugby player, intercepts her, mistakenly losing her entire blouse and exposing her boobs in the process. (We don’t see it, but Toyin mentions it later.) Carolyn throws a cup of water into Laura’s face, Shangela style, which causes Laura to dash at Carolyna again but is held back by Chioma this time. Mariam is on the floor, clutching what’s left of her blouse to her chest. Some production crew members have to intervene, and it seems like things are calming down. Laura suddenly goes she-hulk on everyone and goes for Carolyna AGAIN. It takes the entire production crew to hold her down this time.

Round 4: Toyin Vs Laura (The Sequel)

Laura composes herself off-camera and announces that she’s leaving. Toyin walks with her to the elevator to make sure she’s ok, but she starts to cry, screaming about how Toyin didn’t stand up for her and claiming that if the roles were reversed, she would’ve done the needful. The episode ends with Laura declaring in her confessional that her friendship with Toyin is over.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed the Most Insane Mobile Game Ads So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be reviewing the most insane mobile game ads I have ever seen.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

You know what?

I get it

The mobile game ecosystem is harsh. It’s hard to get noticed when thousands of developers worldwide are trying to make the next Among Us or Candy Crush. Even those games I just mentioned aren’t as popular as they used to be. They were hot for like a year or two and eventually went to join once-legendary games like Angry Birds and Subway Surfers in the mobile game afterlife in the recesses of our minds. The need to stand out is also why mobile game developers started lying about their games’ appearance in their ads.

The lies started small. And because I understood their plight, I was willing to overlook these cute little untruths. However, the lies have gotten out of hand. Mobile game developers have started lying about what the hell their games are about. They attack us on every website and social media with ads featuring the wildest plots this side of a Tyler Perry Productions and Wattpad crossover. So, today:

Because I can’t take it anymore.

Here are the most insane mobile game ads I’ve come across.

Let’s get into it

Merge Mansion.

In this video, a sad woman in a wedding dress gets down from a cab. Her dress is drenched, and her mascara is smudged, so it’s clear that this poor lady has been through it. When you think it can’t get worse, Sad Bride Lady (this is what I’m calling her now) turns around to see that her house has burned to the ground. Sad Bride Lady starts bawling her eyes out but is interrupted by a call from her grandma. Grandma gives Sad Bride Lady a house on the condition that Sad Bride Lady renovates the house herself. Sad Bride Lady gets to work and is having a blast serving Bob the Builder realness when Grandma suddenly gets arrested. As she’s being driven away in the police car, Grandma gives an evil smile and sticks her palm to the glass to show Sad Bride Lady a message: He’s still alive.

Who’s still alive?? Sad Bride Lady’s fiancé who left her at the altar? I assumed that he ran off with some other girl. But could Grandma be the reason he never showed up? None of these questions are answered when you play the game because it has no story whatsoever. The entire game play is just Sad Bride Lady cleaning an enormous house.

It’s like The Sims, but for people who like to clean.

If anyone knows the name of this game, please drop it in the comments because WTF??

In this hilariously horrifying clip, a red-haired, heavily pregnant woman is walking down the street when she spots her boyfriend crossing the street hand in hand with another heavily pregnant woman. Before red-haired, heavily pregnant woman can process the fact that her boyfriend has shared his seed with another woman, she gets hit square in the stomach by a football that comes out of nowhere. She falls to the ground crying as her water breaks and forms a pool around her.

Again, WTF?

Project Makeover

Two hot girls are working out at the gym. I’m describing it as working out, but all that’s happening is that one girl is releasing incredibly toxic farts (the fumes are green) into the other girl’s face. Before you have a chance to ask whatever the fuck is going on, the camera pans out to reveal that they’re being watched by an unkempt girl who seems to also has a fart fetish. She longs to join them but knows she can’t until she gets a makeover. So she showers and attempts to look presentable but doesn’t do a great job. She approaches the farting ladies but is told to fuck off with more vitriol than Benita Nzeribe used to tell Rita Dominic that she stinks with poverty in that one old Nollywood clip.

The moral of this story: Always be down for a makeover so you’ll never be turned away from an orgy for being too ugly.

Whispers

These screenshots tell the whole story. The guy in red flannel loves his wife but can’t resist the sheer hotness of his suit-clad boss. After thinking it through for a few seconds, and because body no be firewood, he gives in to the carnal pleasures of the flesh and lets his boss give him a hand job.

It’s a tale as old as time, really.

Tasty Makeovers

This one is just like the ad where a pregnant lady gets hit in the stomach by a football. A pregnant woman, who looks a lot like Britney Spears returns from the grocery store, complete with a baguette and celery sticking out of the brown paper bag, to find her husband doing some Kamasutra sex shit with another woman. The husband is spread out on the dining table while the mistress hangs from the ceiling with Christmas lights on some Cirque du Soleil shit and vacuums his tonsils with her tongue. Pregnant lady has two options: endure or leave, and she leaves and delivers her baby alone in a building with no roof in the middle of a snowstorm.

Let’s end this one that took meta to a whole other level.

Girl, I’m done.

The End

To the developers putting out these insane mobile game ads, maybe your games would do well if you put as much effort into the actual gameplay as you do the fraudulent ads.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Igodo,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be reviewing the 1999 Nollywood horror- adventure movie, Igodo.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Let’s get into it

The movie starts with a woman giving birth. She’s dressed in potato sack couture and is clearly not having a good time.

As soon as the baby is out of her, her husband runs into the hut, snatches up the bloodied up baby, and runs out!

After brandishing the baby for the rest of the villagers to see…

…he spends all day running up a mountain to dedicate the baby to Amadioha, while the villagers bow and exalt.

The title card and opening credits roll, and when those are done, we’re at a funeral.

As I’m trying to find out if the person being buried is relevant to the plot, something strange happens. Someone else who is not present at this funeral dies, and the movie immediately cuts to that person’s death scene to reveal that the same women who were crying at the funeral at the start of the film are also here, in the same clothes.

I decide here that it’s either one of two things:

• These women are professional mourners hired to cry at funerals and have a uniform.
• They are regular people who return from the funeral of a loved one to discover yet another freshly dead loved one.

Sadly, the second option is the correct one. We find out that a shit ton of people have been dying around the village recently, and no one knows why or who’s next. The village king gathers his elders in his palace to figure out what the fuck is going on.

They’re no closer to solving the mystery after engaging in a circle jerk of proverbs. So they bring in the village Dibia to help them ask Amadioha what’s happening. Amadioha airs the Dibia’s message, so he suggests they bring in a man he thinks would know the origin of the curse wreaking havoc across the village. A man named Igodo.

This guy.

Igodo arrives and begins telling his story, which happened 50 years before the start of the film and is shown to us in an extended flashback. I’ll be narrating Igodo’s story in the present tense.

Igodo’s story begins

The child born and dedicated to Amadioha in the opening scene is named Ihekwumere and is destined to become the Igwe. A group of adults who are jealous of the child decide to kill him and his entire family. They succeed in killing his parents, but he escapes into the evil forest. After several days, a hunter finds Ihekwumere and takes him in as his son. Ihekwmere becomes a rich and handsome nigga who draws all the babes, but this doesn’t sit well with the seven agbaya elders in the town. They have him killed by burying him alive, and he curses the village with his dying breath.

An enormous magic tree grows at the place of his death and becomes the source of the village’s problems. The Dibia figures out what the tree is doing and assembles a team of seven men who are tasked with going through the evil forest to the hills of Amadioha to retrieve the only object capable of cutting down the magic tree: a magic knife. Here are the seven people chosen for this mission.

Now we know why Igodo has all the tea. Also, I get why the hunter, the wrestler, and the warrior are in this lineup, but why are the rest here? The movie never explains.

The Dibia gathers the men — without giving them a choice btw — and gives them a set of rules for when they’re confronted by literally anything in the evil forest.

The men — I’ll refer to as The Fellowship of the Knife — gear up and set off on their task. Their wives, accompanied by the other women in the village, march with them, crying because they believe their husbands are going on a suicide mission.

The fellowship of the knife have just taken a few steps into the evil forest when this happens:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s why….

The next few scenes are just of the fellowship running into different entities in the forest that try to kill them. While crossing a river, the thicc and juicy river idol tries to drown Izu (the farmer).

But Nwoke (the drummer) saves him. Up next, they come across:

Igodo informs everyone that the only way to avoid the wahala of Ejima is to keep going without looking back or talking. Okonta (the climber) gets spooked and lets out a high-pitched scream, causing Ejima to start firing CGI balls of light into his body. You know what? Just watch what happens.

Shoutout to Egbunna, the hunter for saving Okonta’s life.

They get to a small stream called the river of temptation. As they cross it, Izu hears his father’s voice calling out to him. He turns around, and this happens:

The evil forest is like:

During their first night in the forest, Egbunna (the hunter) hears something moving around their camp and blindly fires at it, thinking it’s a wild animal.

But he shoots Okonta (the climber) by mistake, instantly killing him. The evil forest:

A tribe of flesh-eating forest people attack the fellowship and manage to kill Nwoke (the drummer). The tribe is like:

The evil forest is like:

Meanwhile, people back home are still dying left and right so the people decide to take things into their own hands by attacking the evil magic tree with machetes and shit. As they strike the first blow, the tree starts to bleed.

To their horror, the people find out that the tree binds itself to every sitting king of the village. Any harm that comes to the tree also happens to the king.

They get to a river named the river of silence, a river that they’re supposed to remain silent while crossing. Ikenna (the wrestle) talks for some reason, falls into the river and is immediately eaten by crocodiles. The evil forest is like:

Only Igodo, Agwu (the warrior), and Egbunna (the hunter) are left. They’ve barely made it over the river of silence when they’re attacked by what I can only describe as a human-sized blue and yellow chicken.

After running for a while, they finally arrive at the cave containing the magical knife they seek. The lighting inside this cave is piss poor, and for most of this scene, I can’t see shit. Agwu tries to grab the knife from its resting place but is spiritually electrocuted. A creepy older man steps out of the darkness and introduces himself as the guardian of the knife. He informs the fellowship that one of them has to sacrifice himself to get the knife. After a brief argument, Egbunna volunteers to do it. He steps into a hole in the wall and lets out an agonising scream.

Then silence.

When the sacrifice is made, Igodo and Agwu grab the knife and run away as fast as their animal skin skirts will let them. They run out of water, and Agwu is about to pass out from thirst when his wife sashays out from behind a tree.

Agwu is too delirious to think straight, but Igodo sees this for what it is: the evil forest messing with their minds.

Agwu goes to hug his wife, and this happens:

Igodo returns to the village by himself with the magical knife.

The long ass flashback ends, and we return to the present day where old man Igodo is telling the story.

This part confuses me. Young Igodo returns with the knife, which makes me assume that he went straight to cut the evil magic tree. But in the present, old Igodo tells them to cut the tree if they want their problems to end. Why didn’t they cut the tree back then? Did the killings stop? Anyway, the movie ends with the villagers coming together to cut down the tree.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The First Two Episodes Of Netflix’s “Blood Sisters” So You Don’t Have To

I will be recapping the 2022 Nigerian Netflix original series, Blood Sisters.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Listen

In total honesty, I went into Blood Sisters on Netflix thinking it would suck. Contrary to what some people believe, I’m not a hater. It’s just that Nollywood has done us dirty so many times that I’ve become disenchanted. I’ve trained myself not to expect good products to avoid having my hopes dashed. So when I started this limited series, I expected more of the same thing they’ve done for years.

Ladies and gentlemen, within a few minutes, I was hooked.

I’m blown away by how good Blood Sisters is. It actually has me on the edge of my seat.

— Ijbolina Lolie (@grandpabbychuck) May 5, 2022

The show had me in such a chokehold that I binged it all in one sitting. I laughed, cried, and gagged all through. I was screaming at my laptop like that one annoying person in the cinema who reacts to everything happening onscreen. Annoyance would’ve driven them to murder me if I were watching this with people. It would’ve been like that scene in Scary Movie where Regina Hall’s character is noisy during a screening of Shakespeare in Love, so the other cinema patrons — led by Gandhi and Mother Theresa — band together to stab her to death.

Don’t ask how this happened. Just enjoy it.

To be clear, I’m not saying that Blood Sisters is perfect. If you pay close attention, a few things are off here and there. But it gets so much right that I can’t bring myself to tackle it the way I do the other movies in this series. So we’re going to do something different today. When I watch a movie to recap for this series, I take notes (random thoughts and questions) about it as I go along. I’m going to put out the random thoughts I had about the first two episodes of Blood Sisters while watching it. If you have any musings about the show, add them in the comments.

Episode 1

• The first scene is of two women hiding a body? It’s giving How To Get Away With Murder tease, and I’m here for it.
• Did Kola spend his entire business meeting working on the drawing of Sarah? That’s low-key rude. If I were one of the other people in that meeting, I’d be pissed.
• Nancy Isime in a bob wig? “What’s your name B.O.B? So they calling you BOB?!”
• Femi (Gabriel Afolayan) and Yinka’s (Kehinde Bankole) dynamic is giving discount “Andre and Anika Lyon from Empire” vibes.
• A small part of me was terrified that this would be a remake of old Nollywood’s Blood Sisters, and I am so happy this it’s not that.
• I’m happy that Daniel Etim Effiong is in this. I like seeing his face.
• This assassin is awful at his job. He’s not even trying to blend in.
• Uche Jumbo is playing Ini-Dima Okojie’s mother? Uche is only 11 years older than Ini-Dima. Why not just cast someone older?
• Wow. Uduak (Kate Henshaw) just dey squeeze face like monkey wey lick lime. Who shit in her oatmeal?

No one:

Kate Henshaw in #BloodSistersNetflix: pic.twitter.com/HehFyTfkKb

— Ijbolina Lolie (@grandpabbychuck) May 5, 2022

• Why does Uduak keep french-kissing her son, Kola? Why is no one else reacting to it?
• Whew. These outfits are giving ELEGANZA EXTRAVAGANZA. Give the costume designer for this movie all the awards.
• Kola left his business meeting, saying he didn’t want to be late for his wedding. This event is an engagement.
• I am also living for these wigs. Throw in some awards, too, for whoever handled hair.
• Ramsey Nouah is in this. Someone should ask him why he spells his last name that way. It’s so confusing, and I have to google every time.
• Timeyin (Genoveva Umeh) just showed up, and I already stan her.
• This assassin could’ve at least worn a native attire. Now Kola has spotted him.
• Lmao. Kola is whooping this assassin’s ass.
• Kola just let the assassin go?!
• Uche Jumbo is acting the house down, but even this pussycat wig isn’t enough to properly age her.
• Uduak is not even pretending to be excited by this engagement.
• The shoulders of Uduak’s wedding attire are giving Voltron realness.
• Kemi (Nancy Isime) chopped that head clean off. She’s hardcore. I want to hang out with her.
• Where did Sarah and Kemi get housekeeping uniforms?
• It’s funny that the security man who stops the girls as they’re moving Kola’s body says that the bride looks seems like a woman that emasculates men for fun but can’t even recognise her. Nawa.
• Why was the photographer hanging out in the parking lot?
• They decided to bury Kola in the middle of a construction site?! GIRL!

Episode 2

• Not Uduak throwing Sarah out of the house! Skshsksndk
• Uduak never passes up a chance to call people poor. I love it.
• Why is Timeyin always dressed like…this?
• Sarah hasn’t stopped sweating since the murder happened. I feel so bad for her.
• Timeyin giving it to Femi hot hot and I love it.
• The way I laughed when Uduak called Timeyin a useless addict who will always find her way to drugs has definitely earned me a one way ticket to hell.

The way I screamed 🤣🤣🤣 #BloodSistersNetflix pic.twitter.com/1Nhs637BHg

— Ijbolina Lolie (@grandpabbychuck) May 5, 2022

• I love that Kemi is finding the time to serve lewks in the middle of all this.
• What is the point of this sex scene between Femi and Yinka?
• What in the world is going on with Inspector Slo’s (Wale Ojo) accent?
• Yinka trying to bribe Timeyin with a buffet of drugs is truly the most evil thing I have ever seen.
• Uduak’s outfits are becoming more unhinged as the show goes on, and hunty, I am living.
• The suit that Kemi wears to go ask Ibrahim (Eso Dike Okolocha) for a gun is so fucking fabulous.
• While we’re kinda on his matter, why does Ibrahim sound like Jennifer Tilly?
• You know what? I, too, would run over the photographer. He’s annoying as shit, and I don’t feel bad for him.
• I don’t understand why Kenny is still doing gun body for Sarah. Something tells me he’ll get in trouble for not staying away.
• Another Femi and Yinka sex scene?!
• Now that Kola’s body has been found, how is Femi going to explain that he was lying when he said he’d been hearing from Kola?
• I must be a horrible person because the scream of despair Uduak lets out after finding out about Kola’s death made me giggle.
• The scene where Inspector Slo talks about working with the Chicago PD for twenty years is funny but it still doesn’t explain why his accent is inconsistent.
• Everybody needs a friend like Kemi tbh. She’s so resourceful and street smart.
• I need a friend like Kemi. I would not last two seconds in a scenario like this.
• Uncle B (Ramsey Nouah) still hasn’t said a word.
• This scene where Kemi and Sarah plan to run away together is so damn touching. Nancy Isime and Ini-Dima Okojie are acting the house down.
• The car Uncle B drives is cool and all but the whole idea of tailing someone is to be inconspicuous. Not only is his car so unique, but it’s also now light blue. Sksnzkdndk!

The End

Blood Sisters isn’t perfect but it’s a damn fun ride and upgrade from most of the stuff Nollywood has served us recently. It’s on Netflix. Go check it out.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Erotic Thriller, “365 Days: This Day,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 2022 erotic thriller, 365 Days: This Day.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

This wildly imperfect cinema masterpiece is the sequel to the equally awful 2020 film, 365 Days. If you haven’t seen that, click here to read my recap of it before you start reading this. Or read this first and experience everything in reverse. Don’t let me tell you what to do.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Movie ‘365 Days’ So You Don’t Have To

Before we start, let’s all join hands and gaze upon this movie’s Rotten Tomato rating.

TRULY ICONIQUE!

Let’s get into it

Surprise! Even though it looked like she died at the end of the last movie in a Princess Diana style assassination attempt orchestrated by Massimo’s enemies, Laura is alive and well. How? The film doesn’t care about explaining, so I don’t care either. The movie starts with what looks like Massimo and Laura’s wedding. Massimo is wearing a black tuxedo, and Laura is in a wedding dress and the most unconvincing wig I’ve ever seen.

It’s all love and fun as we’re shown a close-up montage of the love birds kissing and hugging. Then out of nowhere, Massimo hoists up Laura’s wedding dress and they start furiously bumping genitals.

Now, I’m well aware of what goes on in this franchise so I expected more sex scenes than Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge. What I did not expect, though, was to see them having sex on their wedding day in front of their friends and family. So I’m sitting in front of my laptop, clutching my non-existent pearls like:

When a woman suddenly screams. I know it’s not Laura screaming in ecstacy because they haven’t even been fucking for long. The camera pans out to reveal that Massimo and Laura have been alone this entire time. It’s their wedding rehearsal dinner, and the scream we just heard is from Laura’s best friend and maid of honour, Olga, who’s just mistakenly walked in on them while innocently bringing Laura a variety of potential wedding night lingerie.

Massimo and Laura get married for real in the next scene, surrounded by their friends (?) and family (??), and it’s all super cute. When they get home that night, Massimo looks deep into Laura’s eyes and says:

But Laura is like:

She ties him to a chair and proceeds to masturbate in front of him.

As I’m wondering if Massimo had something more erotic planned and is probably disappointed by this, the camera cuts to a closeup of his face, and I stop wondering because he’s clearly having the time of his life.

When he can’t take it anymore, he breaks free from the chair, tackles Laura to the bed, and they both engage in a genital meet & greet.

And so begins their honeymoon, which mostly consists of them having sex every minute of every day. Here they are having sex the next morning:

Here they are about to have sex on a golf course:

Here they having sex in a jacuzzi:

And here they are having sex in the pool:

When the honeymoon ends, they return to the real world, and Laura soon realises that Massimo hasn’t changed. He’s overprotective and refuses to let her go anywhere or do anything without bodyguards. To avoid her nagging, Massimo sends her and Olga on a vacation. While they’re there, Laura says something about feeling bad for Massimo because he’s always working (i.e. doing mafia stuff) and all she does is eat his money. Olga is like:

You know what Laura decides to give him?

You guessed it. SEX.

Money, clothes, fast cars, and vacations aren’t enough to quell Laura’s desire for independence. She once again asks Massimo to:

And Massimo is like:

Because she almost died in a car bombing, he must make sure that she’s always safe. Laura gives up and lounges in her enormous garden when a hot ass gardener sashays into the movie’s plot. He introduces himself as Nacho — I die laughing because NACHO?! — and is sexy as hell. Seriously, his introduction montage has strong photoshoot-before-the-porn-scene energy. He flirts heavily with her…

…and she caves immediately because Nacho is a stunner.

Christmas comes along, and Massimo admits that he was wrong for being overprotective. He gives Laura a clothing line because he knows she likes fashion, and Laura is over the moon. She says she’ll give him something he’ll never forget as a thank you. If you’ve been paying attention, you already know what that is.

A few weeks later, Laura is at a party with Massimo when he suddenly disappears. She goes looking for him and catches him having a quickie with his ex-girlfriend, Anna.

Laura is distraught. She runs out of the party and comes across Nacho, asking that he get her out of there. After driving the whole night (the party is happening at night and it’s morning by the time they stop driving), Laura says she wants to leave Massimo and never come back. Nacho seizes the opportunity and is like:

You would think that after being kidnapped in the first movie, Laura would know not to go off with strange men. But she’s like:

While Massimo is sad that Laura has gone MIA, she’s busy living it up on a beach with Nacho.

As all this happening, I’m wondering how a gardener is able to afford a beach house. I mean, look at this:

It’s randomly revealed that the person we saw having sex with Anna at the party wasn’t Massimo, but MASSIMO’S TWIN BROTHER, ADRIANO! Adriano has been working with Massimo’s ex-girlfriend, Anna. They planned to get Laura on her own that night and kidnap her, but Nacho just happened to show up (?) Anyway, Adriano is doing all this because he’s jealous that their father left the family’s empire to Massimo and not him.

Shonda Rhimes was found dead on the set of “How To Get Away With Murder.”

Laura is starting to catch feelings for Nacho. As she’s having a sex dream about him one night, someone breaks into the house, but Nacho knocks the person out. When Laura asks how he can afford a beach house on a gardener’s salary, Nacho mumbles something about a wealthy father and distracts her with his hotness. He later reveals that he’s the son of a mafia family that’s the rival of Massimo’s. Laura is pissed.

Nacho reveals that he worked for Massimo as a gardener so he could kidnap her for his father. His father plans to use her as a bargaining chip to get Massimo to step down as the leader of his mafia family.

See ehn, I’m as confused as you are by all this.

Nacho’s father summons Massimo to tell him all this, and in the middle of the meeting, they all realise that Laura, who Nacho brought with him and handed to his father’s bodyguards, is somehow missing. Massimo and Nacho go looking and find Laura with Adriano and Anna. After spitting exposition everywhere, we get the funniest Mexican standoff in the history of film. Anna shoots Laura in the stomach.

So Nacho shoots Anna square in the boobs.

Adriano attempts to shoot Massimo but Massimo pumps bullets into Adriano’s shoulders.

Nacho briefly considers shooting Massimo in the face but decides against it and leaves. And so the movie ends, with a crane shot of Massimo crying with Laura in his arms.

Here’s the thing, though. I know Laura isn’t dead. How do I know this? Because the third movie in the franchise is coming in a few years. Yes, we’re getting another one!

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “The Man of God,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 2022 Nollywood movie, The Man of God.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Based on screen time, one of the people on this poster shouldn’t be here. By the end of this, you’ll be able to tell who.

The movie starts at an unspecific point in history, during a church service. Josiah Obalolu (Jude Chukwuma), a pastor, is preaching in front of his congregation, and it looks like everyone in the audience is feeling the holy spirit.

Well, not everyone, sha. The pastor’s son, Samuel, isn’t moved by all the things going on around him.

At some point, Samuel goes outside to play with his homies. When his father notices Samuel’s absence, he goes looking for him, finds him outside playing, and is pissed.

It’s made clear that the pastor is physically and verbally abusive towards Samuel and that these beatings are frequent. After one of such beatings, Samuel reveals to his mother that one day, he’s going to leave them and never return, also promising to leave religion behind. Years later, Samuel (Akah Nnani) has seemingly done this. He has gone off to university and is now the quintessential Nollywood bad boy, who does shady things like sell drugs for money. He also moonlights as discount Fela Kuti in his free time.

After his performance, Samuel meets his friend, Teju (Osas Ighodaro), who he’s known since childhood. She’s come to give him the handout for a lecture he missed, and it’s through her we find out that Samuel has a ton of carryovers because he dedicates all his time to his musical gigs. At some point in the conversation, Teju says, “You owe me 30 bucks for that printout,” and this makes my head jam. Because look at the printout she’s referring to:

That’s a lot of pages for N30. This immediately has me wondering when exactly this movie is taking place. A bulky handout like that could only be N30 in the 2000s, but nothing about what they (or the extras in the back) are wearing indicates that. I’m confused as shit, so I put out this message on Instagram and keep watching.

Actual photo of me watching the movie on the 18th of April 2022.

Samuel receives a letter from his mother begging him to come home but he ignores it. Teju is a church girl and has been trying to get Samuel to come to her fellowship for years. So they come to an agreement that if she attends one of his shows, he’ll go for her fellowship. She attends his next show with her friend from church, Joy (Atlanta Bridget Johnson), who Samuel is immediately smitten with.

But she’s like:

Before Samuel can say more, his girlfriend, backup singer, and fellow drug dealer, Rekya (Dorcas Shola Fapson), notices what’s going on and forces them to leave. Samuel becomes obsessed with Joy and tries to get Teju to give him her room number — not her phone number oh, room number — but this pisses Teju off for some reason, causing her to storm off. While driving one day, he sees Joy taking a stroll and is like:

Can my fellow Barbie Girl fans in the house make some FUCKING NOISE?!!

After driving around for a while and actually clicking, Samuel expresses that he has feelings for her but she doesn’t give an answer. When he notices how uncomfortable she is, he says they can start off as friends, and she agrees. They start hanging out more and he joins her fellowship, which makes her fall for him hard.

Inappropriate because he has a girlfriend he’s cheating on.

It’s revealed that Teju has harboured a secret crush on Samuel for years and is heartbroken by his and Joy’s union, so she vanishes from their lives and the plot of the movie.

Meanwhile, members of Joy’s fellowship don’t like that she’s hanging out and possibly bumping genitals with a bad boy. So they send one of their own, Pastor BJ (Prince Enwerem) to tell her that:

Pastor BJ also reveals that Samuel is the son of the now famous Prophet Josiah Obalolu, which, for some reason, upsets Joy so much that she breaks up with Samuel for not telling her about who he really is. Samuel is distraught. He follows her around campus like a lost dog for days and keeps leaving letters under her door until she caves and starts dating him again. They reunite in front of the school’s library.

Rekya informs Samuel that she has dropped out of school and bought a house in town with all the money from her recent drug deals. She also drops this bombshell:

Let’s pause for a second.

Rekya mentions earlier in the movie that the drug deal she’s embarking on will make her at least N1 million. This brings me back to the question of what time period this movie takes place. Tell me how she was able to buy a house with N1 million. In what economy???

My Instagram story from the 18th of April 2022.

Here’s the TV I’m talking about:

Again I ask, WHERE IN TIME IS THIS MOVIE HAPPENING?!

Rekya japas and disappears from the movie’s plot. A few weeks later, Samuel starts to sense a disconnect between him and Joy. He talks to her about it but she says it’s because she’s been studying for their final exams, something he isn’t doing because he knows he’s going to have an extra year. She assures him that nothing will ever come between them. But at Joy’s graduation party, Pastor BJ introduces her to a fine ass guest pastor named Zach (Mawuli Gavor) and Samuel can tell that something is off.

And he’s right. Immediately after Joy graduates, Samuel stops hearing from her. After four months of trying to find out what happened, Pastor BJ informs Samuel that Joy is now married to — wait for it — PASTOR ZACH. Samuel understandably loses his shit and falls into a deep depression. With both Rekya and Joy gone from the movie, Teju sashays back into the plot and nurses Samuel back to health.

An unspecified number of years later, Samuel and Teju are married and workers at a church headed by Pastor and Mrs Asuquo (Patrick Doyle and Eucharia Anunobi). Samuel hates working at the church because Pastor Mrs is always on his neck about one thing or the other. Pastor Mrs calls for a worker’s meeting after church one day and says that she’s heard rumours of him sleeping with random young girls in the church. Samuel denies it but Teju doesn’t believe him and is like:

Samuel says that if she, his wife, can’t trust him, then their marriage is a mistake. Teju, who doesn’t want to lose the man she’s always wanted, breaks down and begs for forgiveness. She later finds out that Samuel did get a girl in the church pregnant when the girl sends the abortion receipts (?) to their house (and later dies). Teju says and does nothing.

Rekya returns to the movie. She’s rich as fuck now because she’s upped her game from smuggling drugs to something else she refuses to talk about. She encourages Samuel to start a church because church business is big business, and he takes her advice, lying to Teju that God ordered him to start a church.

In no time, they too become rich AF Daddy and Mummy GO. Their church grows so big that ZACH and JOY attend one day, not knowing that Samuel is the pastor. Samuel takes this opportunity to be petty as hell.

Samuel also tries to convince Joy to get back with him.

Samuel’s younger brother, a character who has never been mentioned or shown until now, shows up at Samuel’s house one day to read him for filth because their mother has died of a broken heart.

The insult from his brother makes Samuel decide that he wants to escape to Canada to start a new life. He invests in Rekya’s mystery business so he can cash out and japa, leaving Teju behind. Teju finds out and confronts him which leads to him saying something along the lines of:

Teju is fucking livid.

And she proceeds to do just that.

Samuel gets a phone from the police saying that Rekya is dead (they don’t specify how) and that the mystery business she was involved in is organ trafficking, with his name coming up as one of her contacts. He denies that he’s spoken to her recently, but Teju glams up just to go expose him to the police. He gets arrested, and after an unspecified number of years, returns from prison to his father’s church wearing the most unconvincing head and beard wig combo I’ve ever seen.

My Instagram story from the 18th of April 2022, when I was done watching the movie.

If you expected this to be a story about a guy going out into the world and working through the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father as a child but got served a weird prodigal’s son tale instead, join the club. We’ve got biscuits and tea in the back.

I have questions

• Are we not just going to address his father’s abuse?
• Why is Mawuli Gavor on the movie’s poster? He’s literally in only three scenes and each one is like 10 seconds long.
• What time period is the movie set in?
• What happened to Teju? She knew about Samuel’s shady dealings and did nothing, which kinda makes her an accomplice.
• How did Rekya die?
• Did Joy meet and marry Zach in the space of 4 months?
• Why did Joy do Samuel dirty like that?
• What time period is the movie set in?
• Where was Samuel’s younger brother the entire time?
• At some point in the movie, Samuel’s mother says she’s going to Lagos to look for him. Did she ever go?
• What was the point of having the girl Samuel impregnated die after the botched abortion?
• What was the point of having the impregnated girl’s sister go to the police?
• What time period is the movie set in?
• Why didn’t Rekya care that Samuel was publicly cheating on her with Joy?
• How long was Samuel in prison that his brother and father still looked the same when he got out?
• WHAT TIME PERIOD IS THE MOVIE SET IN?!

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the 2006 Nollywood Movie, “Girl’s Cot,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 2006 Nollywood crime heist (?) movie, Girl’s Cot.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I know that this was 2006 but these Darling Yaki wigs are sending me!

Before we begin, I need you all to know that the director of Girl’s Cot, Afam Okereke, is also responsible for Beyonce & Rihanna and White Hunters. Do whatever you want with that information.

The movie starts with a thrilling car chase on the traffic-free roads of Abuja. Four girls dressed in shake & go wigs and insane early 2000s fashions are in an SUV being pursued by the police.

The girls drive into the compound of a lavish-looking mansion and lock the gate before the police can catch up to them. When the police van gets to the house, the detective present orders the policemen to storm the house and arrest the girls but the men are like, “Lol. No.” The detective asks:

And the men are like:

As the policemen are discussing where on the bad bitch scale the girls are, the girls emerge from the house to taunt the policemen…

…before going back in. The policemen are just there like:

I find all this incredibly amusing but I’m also confused as to what the hell is going on. As if on cue, the movie cuts to a flashback to explain how this group of girls came to be. Alicia (Rita Dominic) is a university student who is poor as shit. She gets into sex work but keeps getting screwed over by customers (literally and figuratively) who fuck and run without paying.

Alicia is chilling on her street corner one night when she meets Eve (Ini Edo). Eve gives Alicia some money and invites Alicia to come to live with her in her dorm room. Alicia gets to Eve’s dorm room and meets Eve’s roommate, Bella (Uche Jombo Rodriguez), who immediately expresses intense dislike for Alicia.

Alicia’s determination to become a happening babe on campus is what gives us what has become the most iconic Nollywood scene of all time. A group of popular campus babes are going to a party. Alicia sees them as they’re on their way and asks if she can go with them. You know what? You need to watch this scene yourself if you haven’t already.

The popular girls storm off and Alicia is left standing there like:

Eve, Alicia, and Bella are in their dorm room one day when a girl named Queen (Genevieve Nnaji) sashays in and says she was assigned to that room by the school. Bella tries to tell her off because they’re already three in the room but Queen subtly tells Bella to fuck off to hell.

Queen says that her father is the vice president of Nigeria but begs the girls not to tell anyone so she doesn’t draw unnecessary attention. When they ask the obvious question:

Queen says that she wants to feel what it’s like to live like the common man. Eve welcomes Queen with open arms and later tries to steal her shoes.

But gets caught in the act by Queen.

Eve is terrified that Queen will expose her but for some reason, Queen has no problems with being robbed. She even gives Eve a few of her shoes. Eve has no idea what to make of this behaviour but is happy to not be exposed as a thief.

Alicia and Bella are by themselves in the room one afternoon when Alicia catches Bella doing this:

After a few minutes of heavy flirting, Alicia reveals that she too is about that life and is like:

Since they’re both alone in the room, they proceed to bump genitals.

This storyline is weird and came out of nowhere but let’s see where they’ll go with it sha.

A few days later, Queen invites the girls to a party that’ll be attended by the top politicians in the country. The girls are about to turn down the invitation because they have nothing fancy to wear when Queen offers to buy clothes for all of them. They excitedly accept her offer and have the time of their lives at the party. At school the next day, they’re all bragging about the money they made from the men they met when Queen is like:

The girls are gagged and not in a good way. They start to argue but Queen shuts them up with the reminder that she spent a lot so they could attend the party. She also points out that her connections helped them make all that money and if they don’t give her what she’s asking, they’ll never have access to those rich men again. Defeated, the girls acquiesce to her demands, and she officially becomes their pimp.

Queen is walking across campus one day when a random student runs up to her and says this:

Queen is confused as to why the cultists would do this when the guy informs her that it’s because her secret is out. The whole school now knows that her father is the Vice President. Queen quickly moves out of the hostel and into a lavish-looking mansion in town; the same one the girls drive into in the movie’s opening scene. She invites the other girls to move in with her and they happily agree.

After going on a ₦1.6 million shopping spree, Queen gathers the girls and says:

Queen proposes that they become professional blackmailers for a living. The rest of the girls are apprehensive about doing this, probably because they’ve seen the 1996 action thriller, Set It Off, and don’t like how that movie ended for the protagonists, but Queen points out the skills they possess that’ll ensure their success.

After the pep talk from Queen, the girls agree.

Their jobs are simple. Queen and Eve bring the rich and powerful men they’re dating to the house.

Alicia comes in and seduces them.

The girls secretly make a video of the sexual encounter and then blackmail the men with it.

This movie clearly takes place in an alternate universe where a Nigerian politician’s career can actually be affected by something like a sex tape. Let’s just go along with it.

When a few of the politicians they’ve blackmailed report them to the police, they get Bella to sleep with the Inspector General of Police and blackmail him so he’ll make sure they’re untouchable.

And with this, the long-ass flashback ends and we end up where the movie began. Queen and the girls had just stolen a shit ton of pure gold from one of their victims and that’s why they were being chased by the police. They’re a menace. All of Abuja knows about their antics but no one can do anything about it.

Meanwhile, Alicia and Bella are having relationship drama. Alicia suggested that they elope to another country so they can get married and live openly but Bella is like, “Fuck no” because she wants to marry a man and have kids. Alicia feels like she’s been deceived and is constantly pissed but can’t explain to Queen or Eve why because her and Bella’s relationship is still a secret.

The movie gets super messy from here. Alicia finds out that Bella has a secret fiancé and sleeps with him to get back at her. Bella is pissed by this and moves out of the house. It’s revealed that Queen has a serious boyfriend who she genuinely loves. It’s also revealed that he’s been cheating on her with Eve.

The Inspector-General wants to do the right thing but doesn’t want his life ruined so he quits his job and flees. All the girls are arrested. The Vice President FINALLY shows up and reveals that Queen is indeed his daughter but from an illegitimate relationship. Queen accepts that she’s going to prison for life for her crimes but not before releasing an audio clip of the Vice President threatening to kill her and get rid of her body. Things end badly for everybody.

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed the Wigs in “Young, Famous & African” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be reviewing the insane wigs on the Netflix reality show, Young, Famous & African.

To quote the iconic SNL character, Stefan, Netflix’s new reality series, Young, Famous & African, has EVERYTHING.

• Attractive people
• Hot mess
• Insane outfits
• Boss ladies
• Pointless drama
• Themed-parties
• Extravagant displays of affluence
• An incredibly disturbing relationship that the producers decided to make the main storyline of the show because they knew it would get people talking.

But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. If you want to experience these things for yourself, go watch the show. It’s streaming on Netflix. Get your entire life.

What we’re here to discuss today are the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad wigs on the show. Specifically, the wigs that made an appearance on the head of cast member, Khanyi Mbau.

Khanyi’s wigs need to be talked about, and I volunteer to talk about them. pic.twitter.com/iIc2EFFeGp

— Ijbolina Lolie (@grandpabbychuck) March 22, 2022

Now, I love Khanyi. She’s my favourite member of the cast because she gave everything a reality show start is supposed to give.But you you know what she gave that we didn’t want? Thise wigs. It’s clear that her hair and makeup people hate and don’t mean her well. You want proof? Keep reading.

This wig isn’t awful but it does look like a hairy beret, and that bothers me.

This wig looks like cold Indomie.

The bangs on this wig are in distress.

This wig looks like it was laid with engine oil.

READ: If You’ve Watched “Young, Famous & African,” These Memes Will Crack You Up

This wig looks like a refurbished Karen wig.

This is a mop moonlighting as a wig.

This is Halle Berry’s wig from X-Men 1.

This wig looks like it tried to be Angela Bassett’s wig from Black Panther but failed.

This is Halle Berry’s wig from X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

This wig is a small forest rodent. That’s why it was trying to flee her head in this scene.

Another X-Men wig?! THIS is Famke Janssen’s lace front from X-Men 3: The Last Stand!

This wig is a hat.

Last and the absolute worst

This one greatly upset me and my homegirls because not only was she sitting in the midst of friends and behind-the-scenes crew members of the show, she was also sitting next to her boyfriend, and NONE of them could tao her and say, “Hunty, your wig is trying to escape. Please, hold it down.”

Nawa.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Domitilla,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

If you’re here for the backstory as to why the slap happened, you’ve missed road. I’m here to tell my version of events.

17th of March, 2022.

The time is 11 am and because Nigeria is hell, I don’t have power. I’m hard at work pretending to like my neighbour so she can let me charge her devices in her house, after a lot of small talk, I succeed. As I settle down to work, I see it; the tweet that’s going to send me down the rabbit hole.

My first reaction to this news is this:

https://t.co/YtFUlSfRbC pic.twitter.com/Z8YdaATh1e

— carabiner scissorly (@grandpabbychuck) March 17, 2022

So I went and found out the tea.

*insert law and order sound*

It’s a hot summer’s (?) day. Chukwuma Soludo’s inauguration as the new governor of Anambra state is ongoing, and it’s as boring as you can imagine. A bunch of old people take turns at a podium reading speeches even they don’t give a shit about. All the people present are praying for the event to end so they can get back to whatever it is Nigerian politicians do when Ebelechukwu Obiano, the wife of the outgoing governor of Anambra (Wille Obiano) spots her archnemesis, Bianca Ojukwu, sitting across from her and decides to inject some much-needed excitement into the event’s proceedings.

This lady

Ebelechuckwu gets up from her seat and swings her arms dramatically as she sashays across the inauguration venue towards Bianca Ojukwu, wife of the late Emeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu. With the insane sleeves of her pink frilly dress billowing in the wind, Ebelechukwu isn’t moving with the body language of a person with violence on her mind so what happens next shocks everyone.

And with that, Bianca gracefully stands up and slaps Ebelechuckwu across the face so hard, it shifts Ebelechuckwu’s wig to the middle of her head.

The slap is thunderous. Legend has it that if you listen hard enough, you can still hear the innocent onlookers scream:

Ebelechukwu tries to retaliate with a slap of her own but doesn’t get the chance. Security agents have already gotten in between them. When Ebelechukwu thinks about how she has brought about her own embarrassment on national TV, creating a shameful moment that will live on the internet forever — a moment that wouldn’t have happened if she had just sat down and eaten her food, she is FUCKING FURIOUS. What she does next is probably all she can think of to save face. Across the sea of people between them, she looks at Bianca and yells:

Lol.

The cast of the Real Housewives of Lagos better be taking notes. This is the type of chaos we expect from them.

RECOMMENDED: I Compiled The Worst #IWD 2022 Messages From Nigerian Brands So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be putting together a list of the worst International Women’s Day 2022 celebratory messages from Nigerian brands.

It’s that time of year again, when we as Nigerians on the internet put our differences aside and come together to drag all the Nigerians brands who put out unintentionally hilarious and mildly offensive International Women’s Day messages in failed attempts to be witty. Without foda ado, let’s…Fisayo Fosudo’s lawyers just broke down my door and are waving a cease & desist! skdhsjkhdjkhfk…!

ALAT

On the morning of International Women’s Day 2022, ALAT hit us with this; a video of a WhatsApp chat going on between two people. An unnamed person texts someone named Chris and after exchanging rushed pleasantries, the unnamed person asks Chris for a literal urgent 2k, adding, “Expecting something hooge soon.” Because this is totally how real people talk in private conversations and not a brand trying to pander to potential customers using currently popular slang. Chris is like, “Ugh. Whatever. Send your details” and then the camera pans up to reveal Chris’ full name.

Christie.

Because she’s a girl, and this entire thing has been a conversation between two girls (?) I don’t even know at this point.

The video ends with a shot of this message:

Do you get it? Because I sure as hell don’t. Please explain in the comments if you do.

First Bank

Everything that could go wrong with this message went wrong. First of all, they somehow found a way to put men front and center on International Women’s Day. Then there’s the #He4She hashtag, which reads like a dated insult probably directed Bobrisky that you’d find in the comment section of a gossip blog on Instagram. Then there’s the guy in the last picture, who was clearly about to hit a mean gbese just as his picture was taken.

My favourite part of First Bank’s message, though, is this reply that the social media manager tried to hide but only succeeded in drawing more attention to:

If you’re the person behind that Twitter account and you’re reading this, please DM me and tell me why you think this. Please tell me so I can find peace.

MeristemNG

Girl, what even is this supposed to mean? “A lion is as productive as she is fierce. Like a woman”? I feel like whoever came up with this has watched a little too much America’s Next Top Model or RuPaul’s Drag Race, because all the elements in this (the airbrushing, the lipstick art, the confusing message) make it look a challenge from either one of those shows gone terribly wrong.

Hypo

This one kills me because Hypo did not need to do this. They didn’t need to do anything at all. Have you ever heard anyone go, “Hmmm. Why didn’t Hypo put out an International Women’s Day message?” No, you haven’t. Because they constantly fly under the radar. That’s why it’s so funny that they chose this day of all days to pull an Icarus and fly headfirst into the sun. Wo for what? Wonderful.

REDWOI.F 

LMAO. I’m not even touching this one.

Wema

This image looks innocent enough, right? Well, when you zoom in on the card in her hand, you see this:

The name on the card says Emeka Ibrahim Adekunle.

Many people understandably took this to mean that the folks at Wema think that ‘women breaking the bias’ means having men foot the bill for everything so intense dragging commenced. A few hours later, Wema responded to the controversy with this:

The public’s reaction to this can summed up with the following GIF:

And I get it. Because shalaye’ing like this just makes things worse.

Honestly, I think more brands should learn from Sterling Bank, who decided to keep it short and cute by posting this:

The folks at Sterling said, “Alexa. Play ‘No More Drama’ by Mary J. Blige.”

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Old Nollywood Movie, “The President Must Not Die”, So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be recapping the old Nollywood movie, The President Must Not Die.

The movie starts with the most incredibly early 2000s party I’ve ever seen. The party spot is dimly lit, and that can be seen are the outlines of bodies furiously grinding against each other along to jams by long-forgotten one-hit wonders.

All I can think about when watching this is how hot the space must be, and I’m proven right when a woman named Rachel, dressed in a tube top and bell-bottom jeans, emerges from the party looking exhausted and sweaty as hell.

Rachel is about to get in her car when she gets verbally harassed by two men. One of them says something about how offended he is that he tried to dance with her at the party but she turned him down. He starts to insult her when she counters his insult with a dirty slap.

The guys get angry and make to physically attack her but she beats the shit out of them using Nollywood style kung fu.

The men run away after getting their asses kicked. The movie cuts to a news broadcast discussing a longstanding beef between the president and vice president, which is insane but this is also Nigeria and weirder things have happened. The president is shown giving a speech at an event in the ugliest agbada I’ve ever seen.

When he’s done with this speech and tries to leave, a man wearing a giant jacket grabs the president. The president’s security is set to attack when the man in the giant jacket tells everyone to lower their weapons because he has a bomb strapped to his chest and will blow everyone to smithereens if they try shit. He opens his giant jacket and reveals what is supposed to be a bomb but really looks like eight sausages inserted into a utility belt.

Two hours after the president gets kidnapped, the kidnappers haven’t reached out with their demands. The vice president is shook and gathers the country’s top security heads in a conference room so he can yell at them.

The president’s wife storms into the office in a million braid wig and immediately starts screaming at the vice president to return her husband. You see, she believes the vice president has something to do with her husband’s abduction because of the beef he and her husband have.

The man in the giant jacket calls the president’s wife from a disconnected landline and says:

He gives her 24 hours to come up with the money before hanging up. The man in the giant jacket does his best to intimidate the president…

…but the president legit doesn’t give a damn…

…and asks to speak to his wife on the phone. Meanwhile, the president’s wife is losing her shit and calls a retired army general for help. The general is confused but she insists that her husband told her that if anything ever happened to him, she was to call the general. The man in the giant jacket calls again and the general attempts to track the location of the caller with a Windows 95 suite.

Tracking the origin of the phone call doesn’t work, and the general suddenly decides that rescuing the president is a job for his secret elite squad of perpetually angry female agents.

Discount Charlie’s Angels, if you will.

Kemi

Lisa

And Rachel (the kung fu lady from the movie’s opening scene).

The general gathers the three ladies to brief them on their mission when the man in the giant jacket calls again to inform the president’s wife of the drop-off point. All three actions ladies (this is what I’m calling them from now on) go with the president’s wife to the drop-off point, which causes an unintentionally hilarious shootout.

After like a minute of this, the kidnappers escape in their car but not before the action ladies manage to fire a tracking device onto their car. Take a look at what we’re shown when they fire the tracking device and tell me this wasn’t taken straight out of James Bond 007: From Russia with Love on PS2.

The man in the giant jacket and his accomplices get back to their base only to find out that the bag is full of blank papers. Fucking furious, he slams the president against a wall and raises the ransom money to $120 million as punishment for them attempting to fuck with him.

At that moment, a mysterious figure sashays into the hideout and is revealed to be one of the president’s top security chiefs. It turns out that this security chief hired the man in the giant jacket to orchestrate all this. However, the top security chief is mad because the man in the giant jacket is going against the original plans of just kidnapping and killing the president.

But the man in the giant jacket is like:

The president witnesses this interaction and realises that the man in the giant jacket was never going to let him live.

While all this is happening, the actions ladies find the kidnapper’s hideout and take out all the guards in cheesy ways, like this:

The action ladies storm the warehouse and a shootout ensues. Here’s an action sequence that takes place during the shootout:

Homegirl in the pink jumpsuit is lucky she didn’t get hit by a stray bullet while doing all that.

After a few more minutes of unintentionally hilarious kung fu hijinks (including a scene where one of the action ladies gets punched square in the right boob), it comes down to a fistfight between Rachel — the head action girl — and the man in the giant jacket. Rachel kicks his ass and kills him by impaling him on a rusty ass spike.

Just when you think the movie’s about to end, the man in the giant jacket somehow un-impales himself quietly, picks up two swords(?) and attempts to kill the president.

So the president and all the action ladies fill him up with bullets.

And all is well in Aso Rock.

Well, except for the top security agent who hired the man in the giant jacket to do all this. He realises that he’ll be going to prison for the rest of his life when it’s revealed that he was behind it. So he climbs into his car and shoots himself in the face.

Recommended: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Domitilla,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 1996 Nollywood drama, Domitilla.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The movie starts with a group of sex workers — Judith (Sandra Achums), Anita (Ada Ameh), and Jenny (Kate Henshaw) — manning their street corner. You can tell that the night is just starting and these fabulous mistresses of the night are getting ready for customers to come to buy their work. The movie’s protagonist, Domitilla (Ann Njemanze) arrives. Her friends are excited to see her and express this exactly how you’d expect late 90s Nollywood prostitutes to.

In the 1990s, these outfits must’ve been scandalous enough to get one branded with a scarlet A and stoned to death in the market square. Now, this is just Christ Embassy choir couture.

They stand around for a while, complaining about a scarcity of customers when a guy that looks a lot like Grace Jones shows up looking for a fun time. After sizing up the ladies with his eyes, he settles on Anita, and the following conversation takes place between them:

Ok. That part was all me. Here’s what they really said:

And just like that, discount Grace Jones takes Anita home for the night. Not long after, Domitilla gets a client and is also whisked away. It’s revealed in the next scene that Domitilla is the only one out of the group who has a day job. Due to her overnight commitments, she gets to work late the next morning, causing her boss, discount Papa Ajasco, to yell at her.

Domitilla meets a hot and rich guy named John (Charles Okafor). One day, John comes to visit her at the tiny ass apartment that she shares with the other girls. While they’re chilling in the living room, Anita runs in barefoot and is barely clothed. She’s clearly just got back from servicing a client and is about to blab about it but Domitilla doesn’t want John to know about their true profession because she really likes him. So this happens:

Domitilla and John are out one night having a drink…

…when they run into one of John’s friends. The friend pulls John to a private corner of the bar they’re in and says:

John is already falling for Domitilla so he’s in denial for a bit but the friend is like:

John returns to the table and the following conversation takes place.

At her day job the next day, Domitilla complains to her colleague, Pat, about how all her money goes into taking care of her sick father. Pat feels bad for Domitilla and invites her to a party her uncle is throwing later that night, claiming that there will be many rich men who will probably be willing to give Domitilla free money. This is weird because Pat doesn’t even know that Domitilla moonlights as a sex worker. Domitilla attends the party flanked by her homegirls, and it doesn’t take long before she meets an older man named Dr Lawson (Enebeli Elebuwa) who decides to become her sugar daddy.

Domitilla, Jenny, and Judith are working their corner one night when a Peugeot 504 pulls up with two good-looking men in it, who say that they’re looking for a good group time. All the girls jump at the opportunity to chill with these obviously rich big boys willing to pay double their usual fee, so they get in the car with them. Things take a horrifying turn when the men drive to a dimly lit uncompleted building and bundle the girls in. The girls try to escape but Jenny is caught, choked, beheaded, and has her organs harvested.

Jenny’s death causes all the girls to spiral. There’s a heartbreaking scene where they all come together to grieve their fallen sister while complaining about the hard lives that fate has given them. The scene is effective but goes on for too long and quickly becomes annoying. Domitilla returns to the house one afternoon to find Anita packing her things. When she asks wtf is going on, Anita is like:

Anita informs Domitilla that she’s leaving their shared apartment to move in with discount Grace Jones, her client from the opening scene because he’s fallen in love with her and asked her to move in with him. Domitilla is truly happy for Anita but breaks down in tears, screaming, “GOD WHEN?!” Anita comforts her with this:

Just as Anita is about to leave, she turns to Domitilla and says:

But Domitilla is like:

And she does just that.

She doesn’t give up Dr Lawson, though. After telling him about Jenny’s death, he moves her into a hotel and foots the bill for her to live there permanently so he can sneak in for quickies whenever he wants without his wife finding out.

Dressed in a fancy wig and skirt suit combo so you know she has levelled up, Domitilla returns to her old apartment to visit Judith, the only remaining member of their group who still walks the street at night. Judith is distraught about the others leaving her alone for better lives.

Domitilla consoles her and gives her some money to start a proper business. Judith is over the moon.

Things go well for Domitilla until Dr Lawson’s wife, Mrs Lawson (Maureen Ihua), finds out about the affair. And as you expect, she’s fucking furious.

And she proceeds to do just that.

After taking her teenage daughter to Domitilla’s house so they can beat the shit out of Domitilla together (the daughter is horrified, says no, and asks to be taken home), Mrs Lawson decides to kill Domitilla, Disney villain style. She pays the manager of the hotel Domitilla is staying at to poison the next drink Domitilla orders. Unfortunately, the next time Domitilla orders a drink is when Dr Lawson is in the room with her. He unknowingly drinks from the poisoned glass and immediately dies.

Domitilla is arrested for the death of Dr Lawson and taken to court. Judith (who now runs a successful plastic business) joins forces with Anita to hire a good lawyer for Domitilla. Mrs Lawson plays the grieving window role perfectly and it looks like Domitilla might be found guilty. That’s until Dr Lawson’s teenage daughter takes the stand and reveals the truth.

Distraught that her own flesh and blood has exposed her like this, Mrs Lawson screams and passes out.

Domitilla’s friends and family run to hug her in celebration. Just as the judge is about to read the verdict, we get this:

I’m sorry but this first part was almost two hours long. There’s no way in hell I’m watching a sequel that’s obviously going to be another two hours of courtroom drama.

PEACE OUT. ✌🏽

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Mark of the Beast,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the music video for Eedris Abdulkareem’s 2003 hit song, Live in Yankee.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The video starts with a visibly-distraught girl sitting on the bed of what is obviously a hotel room but is supposed to be her bedroom. I say this is because there’s a landline on the bedside table (only hotels do that shit), and the bedsheets and curtains are serving low budget guest house realness. Homegirl — whose name we never find out — is making a call, and as soon as it goes through, sings this:

Eedris, you promise sey you go marry me

See me you hurt me so badly

Remember na garri wey we dey wack eh

You don go yankee, you com forget me totally

Because I’m a messy bitch who lives for chaos, this is what I imagine she sings:

Eedris conveniently ignores the bit about him abandoning her and says that he actually set out to travel to Guinea but somehow ended up in America. If you’re hoping for an explanation of how the fuck that happened, don’t hold your breath because he doesn’t give one. He goes on to explain that while roaming the streets of New York looking for a record deal…

…he randomly came across P. Diddy…

…who immediately gave him a record deal…

…and billboard placements at Times Square (?)

You see, neither Diddy nor Eedris can rap so it makes perfect sense that one would sign the other.

Hearing about all the success Eedris has found without her, homegirl becomes even more distraught than she was when the conversation started and sings the chorus again, this time clutching a sad little stuffed sheep.

Eedris once again dismisses the obvious distress homegirl is in by saying:

And that makes me go:

Eedris talks about how P.Diddy gave him money to go shopping…

…and an obviously rented Lexus jeep.

This makes me wonder if P.Diddy took Eedris on as his artist or sugar baby.

A thing that happens all through the song that I LOVE is that whenever Eedris talks about a wild/amazing thing he’s done in America, homegirl interjects with adlibs that properly express the distress she feels from being abandoned. For example, Eedris sings about attending a party where Diddy gives him TWENTY Puerto Rican mummies to bump genitals with…

…and homegirl immediately screams:

Following it up with a gentle:

Probably because she can see the chances of Eedris returning for her slowly disappear with every story he tells.

The song goes on for a while and it’s just Eedris bragging about all women he’s slept with in the two years since he left. Just when you think all hope is lost for Homegirl, Eedris returns from America with a half bottle of champagne and two wine glasses to ask for her hand in marriage.

If you think Homegirl is going to slap him across the face and turn him down for abandoning her, you’re wrong. She puts on the ugliest wedding gown in existence…

…and runs up a comically long flight of stairs…

…to jump into his arms. And then they get married (?) I’m not sure tbh. Because as soon as they hug, the screen goes all wobbly like it does in movies when someone is daydreaming. The video ends with a shot of Homegirl angrily ripping a poster of Eedris off the wall of her room, and this insane shot of Eedris chilling with Ronald McDonald for some reason.

2003 was a very special time.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Mark of the Beast,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I’ll be recapping the late 1990s Nollywood horror movie, Mark of the Beast.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

You can tell, based on her facial expression, that Genevieve was serving premium sass in whatever scene that screenshot was taken from.

I watched this movie for the first time when I was 8-years-old and spent the next few years blocking it out because it was too terrifying. The only memory I had of it until recently was the scene of a pastor being yelled at by a rotund and particularly rude serving of pounded yam; a memory I most likely held on to because it’s funny as shit. Anyway, I was at my birthday dinner on the 18th of January 2022 when I encountered this tweet:

And just like that, all the horrifying parts of the movie I’d worked so hard to forget came rushing back, causing me to scream and fall to my knees in the toilet of the restaurant where my birthday dinner was taking place. After the mini-breakdown, I figured that this film would make a good “So You Don’t Have To” entry, so here we are.

The movie starts with a woman in the hospital giving birth. After struggling for a bit, the baby is born. The doctor (Segun Arinze) says, “Congratulations. You’ve delivered a bouncing baby boy,” and hands the still bloody baby to the mother. When the mother opens her eyes, she sees the doctor as this…

The love child of King Kong and Calibos (from the original Clash of the Titans)

…and sees her baby as this:

The love child of Miss Piggy and Baphomet.

Homegirl is understandably horrified by all this and proceeds to die of shock.

As this is happening, a man named Chief Modupe (Enebeli Elebuwa), flanked on both sides of his head by a pair of incredibly unsettling sideburns, is sitting in his living room and watching TV. A breaking news broadcast comes on, anchored by a woman wearing what appears to be a Golden Girls Halloween wig.

The lights in Chief Modupe’s house flicker, causing his heavily pregnant wife, Mrs Modupe (Ngozi Ezeonu), to slip and fall in the bathroom. After getting her to the hospital, Chief Modupe learns from the doctor — the same one that delivered the baby in the opening scene — that Mrs Modupe’s fall SOMEHOW ruptured her uterus, killed the baby in her belly, and destroyed her womb. The prognosis is that she’ll never again be able to conceive.

Chief Modupe is distraught and about to ugly cry when the Doctor suggests that Chief Modupe adopt the baby born in the opening scene and pass it off to his wife as the one that was in her belly.

Chief Modupe takes the child and names him, Chris.

Ten years later, Chris has grown to be a creepy precocious child. Mrs Modupe walks into his bedroom one night and finds some scary drawings he’s made.

She’s about to dismiss it as something he probably picked up from a movie or video game until she looks at his face and sees this:

We later see Chris having a Zoom meeting with Lucifer in his room. It’s revealed that the reason Chris looked like a demon piglet at the time of his birth is that he’s the literal spawn of Satan. Satan tattoos Chris’ forehead with the mark of the beast (666) and sends him into the world to win souls for hell.

Because of what she saw in Chris’ room, Mrs Modupe becomes terrified of Chris. Chris picks up on this and proceeds to fuck with her mind by infiltrating her dreams and turning them into nightmares. Like this one:

Any time Mrs Modupe tries to tell her husband what’s happening, Chris wipes her memory with magic. After months of torture, Chris kills her by making her stab herself in the chest with a long-ass kitchen knife.

Twenty years pass. Chris has taken over his father’s vague business is now being played by a man that looks like a Christ Embassy youth pastor.

Actor: Charles Sadiq-Waran

And it’s revealed that the doctor who helped deliver Chris as a baby and convinced the Modupes the adopt him knows about Chris’ origin and is a soldier of Satan.

OVER ONE HOUR INTO THE MOVIE, a pair of siblings named Mike (Joe Nwodo) and Nene (Genevieve Nnaji) sashay into the story. The first time we see them, they’re at a hospital visiting their chronically ill mother, who’s going in for surgery and is not sure she’s going to survive.

And she’s right. She dies during surgery and the children are emotionally wrecked. Mike decides that God has called him to fight the anti-christ so he quits his job and starts a church. He and Nene are driving down a road one day when they witness a group of armed robbers attempt to rob Chris. Chris steps out of his car and does this:

Which makes the armed robbers go:

When the robbers flee, Mike and Nene go to check if Chris is ok. Even though he’s acting like you’d expect the anti-christ in an old Nollywood movie to act (weird and rude), they insist on being friends with him and invite him to their church. He agrees to attend and makes the decision to start messing with them like he did his mother.

Mike is in bed one night, wearing the pyjamas Nene bought him and reading the bible when the spirit of konji rears its head. He starts rubbing his penis and gets the disgusting idea to go have sex with his Nene, HIS SISTER. So he sneaks into her room and proceeds to grab her boob…

…but comes to his senses before actually doing anything. Meanwhile, Chris finds out that Nene is a virgin and spiritually sexes her up in a dream. She starts hanging out with Chris more and acting out until Mike notices something is not right with her and initiates a surprise deliverance session.

We find out that the night Chris was born, so were six others around the world; one for each continent. Their job is to get as many souls as possible for hell from their respective continents. Satan gathers all seven of them for an all-hands meeting to track their progress. Here’s a picture of all of them.

It tickles me greatly to see that they’re all light-skinned.

Chris reveals that he’s been using his business to recruit more souls by infusing the following things with soul-binding dark magic:

• Makeup
• Video games
• Music
• Movies
• Fast food
• Second hand clothes (remeber this one)
• Toys
• Candy
• THE FREAKING INTERNET (keep in mind this movie was made in the late 1990s and the internet wasn’t mainstream in Nigeria yet so there were still conspiracy theories surroudning it)

Mike is getting ready for bed another night when he puts on the pyjamas Nene bought him and gets the urge to bump genitals with her again. Somehow coming to the conclusion that the pyjamas are the problem (sure, he’s right but that was an insane mental leap he took), he takes it off and burns it. He then goes to his sister and is like:

Chris amps up his attempts to fuck up Mike and Nene’s lives. And that’s what leads us to the iconic talking pounded yam scene. Nene makes pounded yam for dinner one night and as Mike blesses the food, the pounded yam goes:

Mike and Nene join forces to vanquish the demonic pounded yam. This experience makes them organise a night vigil at their church, which Chris attends for some reason. When a priest (don’t ask why a catholic priest is at a pentecostal night vigil) starts throwing holy water over all the people present, a drop of it touches Chris and this comes out of Chris’ body:

And everyone lives happily ever after.

SIKE!

RECOMMENDED: I Recapped Mummy GO’s Most Insane Videos So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be making a list of the most insane Mummy GO videos.

Funmilayo Adebayo, famously known as Mummy GO, is an evangelist who has gone viral for the video clips in which she claims that anybody who likes any aspect of existence that makes life bearable is going to hell. When her videos began to surface in late 2021/early 2022, she seemed super familiar to me, but I couldn’t remember where I’d seen her before. It wasn’t until Kunle tagged me to a tweet containing pictures of some of her books that it hit me.

Mummy GO is the woman who wrote the very first thing I ever recapped for the “So You Don’t Have To” series; a book titled The Game of The Anti-Christ (Exposing the Secret Behind Football).

I'm screaming because this is the book that started #ZikokoSYDHT!" I need to go thank Mummy G.O 😂 https://t.co/60DB9dIeJD

— carabiner scissorly (@grandpabbychuck) January 10, 2022

Like the name of the book implies, Mummy GO rants for a few dozen pages about football being an evil sport created in the underworld by hell’s management as part of their never-ending attempts to destroy humanity. She further claims that the reason she knows all this is because she served as an intern in hell, working closely with the prince of darkness himself for 990 years.

Here’s an excerpt from that article:

“The author’s bio describes Fumilayo Adebayo as a seasoned evangelist and gifted writer with an uncommon passion for soul-winning. This is exactly how Pennywise (the demon clown from the movie IT) would be described if he ever took a break from eating children to write a book. Using bible verses and thinly-veiled threats, she tells us that we have to believe everything she says unless we’ll die a terrible death and go to hell. I carried on reading because I like trash.“

If you want to read that iconic article, click here.

Mummy GO has a shit load of videos floating around, and all of them are fucking hilarious. But because I’m a messy bitch who lives drama, I’ve gone through all of the ones I could find and compiled the most insane ones. Don’t thank me. Just pay for my therapy.

Let’s start with a wild one. The one where she talks about how God restored her virginity.

As you can see, this woman is basically standing in front of her congregation and bragging about being so tight that it takes her husband half an hour to penetrate her during sex. The wildest thing here isn’t even the smug tone she uses to talk about her TAP (tight ass pussy), it’s the fact that no one in the audience is trying to suppress laughter. They just sit there and take it.

Here’s a video where she talks about the Walt Disney Company and what she thinks its logo represents.

In this, Mummy GO pulls a trick straight out of the 2009 edition of the Conspiracy Theorists YouTuber’s Handbook and claims that Disney is dedicated to imprinting the mark of the beast (666) in the minds of children. Aided by a PowerPoint presentation, she says that the number 666 is hidden in the trademark Disney font. Walt Disney’s frozen head must be rolling in its cryogenic chamber.

Here’s the one where she bashes the art of comedy and insists that anyone who engages in it has a one-way ticket to hell.

I don’t know if Mummy GO went for a stand-up comedy show and was bored or she watched a couple of skits from Nigerian Instagram comedians and didn’t enjoy them, but she really REALLY hates comedians and hopes we all burn. Damn. We just want to make people laugh, lady.

She also hates haircuts for some reason.

She just points at some guy with a shaved head in the congregation and says, “Do you people know that this hairstyle is a sin?!” She carries on by saying that any haircut that shows even the tiniest bit of a man’s scalp is a sin. Now, I’m sitting here thinking, “What about bald people? What the fuck are they supposed to do??“

If you’re looking for a reason to not celebrate valentine’s day this year, Mummy GO has given you one.

You’re welcome.

If you’re a man with swagger of any kind, Mummy GO says you’re a devil worshipper.

This tickles me immensely because it shows how removed she is from modern-day pop culture. When was the last time you saw a man pack his crotch and wave his wrists while screaming, “Ayo man”? Seems like she’s still stuck in the 1990s/early 2000s, and it’s killing me.

Let’s not forget when she told tales of her bad bitch era.

By that description, you just know she was out in these streets built like an Instagram baddie, snatching up people’s boyfriends and husbands. Yas Gawd! I do love that whatever took her beauty left her with the gap in her front teeth, though. A way for her to relive her past glory. That was very nice of…it.

You heard it here first: There’s nothing Satan likes more than a hot fok.

I wonder what Rihanna and Lady GHANA have to say about these accusations. Does this also mean that Tom Holland is married to Satan? He did dance spectacularly to Rihanna’s “Umbrella” on Lipsync Battle. Who else is Satan married to? How do they share him? Someone has to ask the important questions, and that person is me.

You know who else Mummy GO hates? Michael Jackson. Here’s what she has to say about his style of dancing.

Old gal believes that Michael Jackson invented break dancing and that he learned the dance style from SKELETONS. Probably from these guys:

She also added that because it’s a skeleton dance, break dancing is for the dead, which means that if you do it, you’re indirectly telling God that you’re dead and shouldn’t complain when the Grim Reaper comes to collect.

Lastly, here’s the BBC interview where she denies saying all of the things above, claiming that the videos were doctored.

At this point, I’m not even sure what her deal is anymore.

If you want a deeper look into Mummy GO’s psyche, read my recap of one of her books.

The Game of The Anti-Christ (Exposing the Secret Behind Football)

Today, I will be recapping the 2022 Nollywood comedy, Chief Daddy 2.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Chief Daddy 2 came out on Netflix on the 1st of January, 2022 and was immediately followed by overwhelmingly negative reviews from both critics and viewers. I’ve spent hours since the day it premiered scouring the interwebs for a positive review and found none. It’s just been waves of anger and disgust. The bad reviews have even started a conversation on social media about the poor quality of recent Nollywood movies.

Here’s a hilariously named Twitter Spaces that took place on the 6th of January 2022.

Even funnier than the title, one of Chief Daddy 2’s producers was present and lurking in the shadows until she couldn’t bear the bashing anymore and took the mic to rant. LMAO!

The conversations about the movie piqued my interest so I decided to watch it. Now that I’ve seen it, I can say with my entire bosom that the critics aren’t wrong.

WARNING: Make sure you’ve seen the first movie and remember all the plot points and characters from it because I will not be jogging your memory.

The movie starts where the last one ended; with Laila (Rahama Sadau) showing up at the Beecroft family mansion and staring at it like she’s fighting the urge to burn it down.

Laila is revealed to be yet another illegitimate child of Chief Daddy who is fucking pissed because she grew up with his fatherly love and was excluded from his will. She has shown up from nowhere (seriously, we’re never told where she’s from or how she suddenly has all this power) to wreck the Beecroft family’s plans. She is somehow now the majority shareholder in Beecroft company and insists on not giving any of the family members the money Chief Daddy willed to them.

The family, who had almost gotten to Kumbaya status by the end of the last movie, are thrown into chaos again. They gather around the comically large dining table in the Beecroft family mansion to figure out what they’re going to do about this flimsy excuse for a sequel new threat to their funds.

Someone says they have to get rid of Laila. Femzy (Falz) thinks this is code for “murder” and starts thinking up ways to kill her. Lady Kay (Joke Silva) wakes up the next morning and is worried about not being able to throw a lavish 62nd birthday party for herself because she’s now a broke madam.

This is weird because her husband died like two weeks ago and she should be distraught. Then again, if I found out that a man I was married to for decades spent our entire marriage impregnating people around Nigeria like some kind of rabbit, I too wouldn’t give a shit about him dying.

She throws the party anyway but all the guests run for their lives when they realise that the party is giving…poverty. Femzy isn’t present for his mother’s disaster birthday party because he’s in the studio recording a song. He gets kicked out of the studio due to his inability to pay the studio fees.

Dammy (Mawuli Gavor), Chief Daddy’s eldest son and world-famous football player, is in London hanging out with some in-universe famous actress. She keeps giving him “fuck me” eyes but he doesn’t reciprocate because he’s now engaged to Adaora (Beverly Naya). When he gets up to leave, she goes in for a goodbye hug but plants a sneak attack kiss on his lips. Paparazzi get footage of this.

Dammy returns to Lagos and refuses to admit that he’s engaged during an interview because his manager insists that it’s better for his public image to be seen as a reckless bachelor than to be engaged to the daughter of a maid. Adaora is furious and demands to know if he takes their relationship seriously. He assures her that he does and as they’re about to makeup, the video of the famous actress kissing him goes viral. Adaora is fucking furious now and storms off to hang out seductively by the pool. Dammy approaches her and explains how the kiss happened.

They then engage in what I can only describe as the kissing equivalent of dry-humping in jeans.

Femzy has taken it upon himself to get his family’s fortune back from Laila. He first attempts to get close to her by getting a job at the company. It’s never made clear what role he’s going for, though, because he just walks into her office and demands that the company create an entertainment section for him. This doesn’t work so he comes up with the dumbest plan in movie history.

All Femzy needs to carry out his plan is money but he has none. Sisi Ice Cream (Linda Ejiofor) somehow comes up with the money needed and they both travel to Dubai. The moment they land, they run into a noisy ass cab driver named Omar (Brodda Shaggi).

Due to unintentionally unfunny hijinks, Femzy and Sisi Ice Cream run out of money before they can find a big music exec willing to invest in Femzy’s music. They decide to return home but Omar reignites Femzy’s passion by taking him to the Coca-Cola Arena (?)

This is strange because I’m pretty sure the thing they lack is money, not passion. Sisi Ice Cream would be great at writing “So You Don’t Have To” because she immediately points this out. Omar offers to let them stay at his place for a few weeks while he helps them search for a music exec he knows. Femzy calls Dammy to ask for some money so Dammy flies to Dubai with the money instead of just sending it to him. Dammy reveals that Omar doesn’t actually know any music exec and Femzy is angry as hell. These are Omar’s excuses for lying:

WHAT?!

Then Sisi Ice Cream goes:

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

In a last attempt to save his relationship with them, Omar suggests that Femzy perform at an open mic night somewhere in the city. Femzy does it and it goes kinda well (?) Honestly, I can’t tell. After that, Sisi Ice Cream suggests Femzy shoot his music video there so they all just go out in the weirdly empty streets and start filming.

And the music video goes viral. Because why the hell not?

They all return to Nigeria.

Dammy video calls Laila and convinces her to stop being so fucking bitter.

Dammy invites Laila to he and Adaora’s wedding. Laila gives a speech explaining that she’s no longer a villain. The entire family dances to Falz’ latest single.

Just so you know, Chief Daddy 2 is way more chaotic than this. I did my best to tie it all into a somewhat coherent narrative. I left out the subplot of Tinu and Teni (Funke Akindele and Kate Henshaw, respectively) courting the same man all through the movie and then deciding to both become his wives at the end because it grossed me out and made no sense.

That’s it. I’m done.

Someone please get me a painkiller.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I’ve spent the last few days thinking of all the episodes of “So You Don’t Have To” I’ve written in 2021 so as to pick out my absolute best five to put on this list, and I couldn’t. Do you know why?

Because they’re all amazing.

I’m funny as hell and every episode of SYDHT I’ve put out has been groundbreaking. I truly believe that future generations will sit around campfires/classrooms and talk about me like I was Comedian Jesus.

I’m glad we had that talk.

Just because I couldn’t put all of them on this list, here are my five favourite SYDHT episodes of 2021.

I Spoke To A Money Ritual Juju Man So You Don’t Have To

In December of 2020, I was contacted by a self-proclaimed herbalist who claimed he could make me a shit ton of money in a ritual that would NOT require a human life. I was going to ignore him because I don’t do demons but figured I could get a bitching SYDHT episode out of it. And baby, I DID. Read to find out how far down the rabbit hole I went in my attempt to find out how money rituals work.

Click here to read.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Suicide Mission” So You Don’t Have To

This 1998 Nollywood movie has everything. The eternally beautiful Regina Askia, Sugar Daddy RMD, old Nollywood witchcraft, necrophilia, telekinesis, trapped souls in groundnut bottles, the main antagonist turning into a dog at the end, much more shit. It also helps that the plot is batshit.

Click here to read it.

I Watched The Music Video For Peter Okoye’s Song “Look Into My Eyes” So You Don’t Have To

Peter Okoye — who now hilariously goes by Mr P — is one half of the defunct music duo P-Square. He and his identical twin brother, Paul, burst onto the scene in 2003 and ran things (things didn’t run them) until they had a fight in 2017 and went their separate ways. In 2018, Peter released the video for a song titled “Look Into My Eyes,” proving his determination to carry on the family tradition of violently ripping off Michael Jackson.

Click here to read it.

I Attended A Moaning Competition So You Don’t Have To

On the 15th of October 2021, a moaning competition took place on Twitter Spaces. I took it upon myself to attend the moaning competition undercover so I could recap the event for those who couldn’t attend or were too ashamed to. I still haven’t recovered. Dollars could speed up my recovery. Send me some.

Click here to read.

I Watched The 2020 Nollywood Movie, “Nneka The Pretty Serpent,” So You Don’t Have To

The makers of this iteration of “Nneka the Pretty Serpent” tried to solve the problem of the original movie (not having an actual plot) by giving a reason for Nneka’s murder spree. But due to the unintentionally hilarious execution and unnecessarily complex backstory, it doesn’t quite work and is confusing as hell.

Click here to read.