Gabriella Opara, Author at Zikoko!

Those who are used to Lagos traffic know that it’s a self-inflicted crime to leave your home less than two hours before the intended arrival time of wherever you’re going. Because you will get there three hours late.

Don’t question this. Lagos logic is insane. Especially when it concerns traffic.

So I thought I was being smart that day when I woke up super early to beat traffic, getting to the bus stop at 5 AM. (Four hours before my resumption time at work.) The crowd I met there and the hike in bus fares made me suspicious of the journey I was about to embark on. But I paid the high fare and consoled myself with the fact that I’d at least get to work on time, regardless of the traffic situation.

I had no idea how wrong I was.

The traffic was of biblical proportions. We got to Ikeja-Along, Agege motor road axis by 9 AM. At Dopemu under bridge, I saw the endless line of vehicles frozen ahead of me but convinced myself that it couldn’t be that bad.

I was wrong again.

The heat, lack of legroom in the bus, and noise from car horns were enough to drive a person insane. When we finally got to Oshodi bus stop by NOON, my frustration was written all over my face. I saw a few passengers cross the road to head back home. “What’s the point of entering the office by this time?” I heard one guy say.

He had a point sha. I wish I had that luxury.

I got to the office by 1 PM. After I narrated my ordeal to my colleagues (and gotten a few “sorrys” and “eh yas”), one of them asked me to download the bike-hailing app named Gokada if I didn’t want history to repeat itself. I tried it on my way home later that day and smiled widely as I saw people trapped in traffic.

Look, Lagos traffic might be actively trying to kill you, but you don’t have to let it win. Live the stress-free baby boy/girl life you’ve always wanted by using Gokada to avoid traffic.
Are you the happy-go-lucky person that can be found in every WhatsApp group known to man? Or are you the lone ranger who endures your work chat because-–paycheck? Please don’t tell me you’re one of those people whose accolade is the number of WhatsApp groups they manage?

Okay, you know what? Just take this quiz to find out what kind of WhatsApp group member you are. PS: We won’t judge.

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Nigeria is a shitty place for those who live here, many seek an escape route. But, amid the insecurities, bad economy, and the uncaring government, some things happened this year that make us feel thankful.

Yeah, we know, hard to believe right? Yet we need to end the year on a positive note, so here are some things that we can say made 2019 tolerable:

1) Peace:

We’re pretty sure many Nigerians expected the country to go to shit after the general elections. Everything seemed to be on a precipice of evil, and everyone was tense about the consequences of the election results. Thankfully, nobody threatened war, and everything is in limbo.

2) Consumption of local produce:

Think what you will about the fact that Nigerian rice is full of stones, but the border closure came as a blessing in disguise. Now our local agriculture is booming even at the expense of our health, who cares about getting appendicitis anyway? Not our inconsiderate government.

3) No natural disaster:

Imagine how horrible it would have been for us if our country had earthquakes, landslides, or hurricanes! Eesh. Thankfully, God had enough sense to keep those away from the nation, he knows that the self-created disaster is more than enough to deal with.

Clearly, everyone would die if we have to rely on Nigerian firefighters, police, paramedics (do we even have those?), or any other rescue team that will be needed in the case of a natural disaster occurring. Y’all know how slow their response is–when they respond.

4) Our artistes getting more international recognition:

Burna Boy got a Grammy Nomination and got interviewed on The Daily Show interview. Davido featured Chris Brown. Tiwa Savage and Yemi Alade got signed to Universal Music. Beyonce featured Wizkid to tell us that black is beautiful in Brown Skin Girl.

Nigerian artistes got featured on Beyonce’s The Lion King: The Gift album. Wizkid shut down the 02 arena. Need I go on? What a great year it’s been for Nigerian musicians, and the world is paying attention.

5) Philanthropy within despair:

While the Nigerian government was being such a slowpoke about the xenophobic attacks to Nigerians in South Africa, a kind soul decided to take action instead. Many people were pleasantly surprised when Air Peace volunteered to get Nigerians out of South Africa for free.

Isn’t that something? In this Nigeria? Rare indeed.

6) NEPA finally realizing how low we rate them:

They finally gave us a chance to let them know that we don’t care about them and their poor services when they went on strike. Did you even know they were on strike? Most people thought it was their usual game of blackout.

7) Six years tenure was rebuffed by the House of Reps:

Finally, our legislators can do something right! They kicked against the bill that proposed a longer tenure for politicians in this country; it aimed to change the constitution, making each president, governor, senator, and house or rep member serve for 6 years instead of 4.

Like we haven’t suffered enough in this country already.

8) Cardi B in Lagos:

If you weren’t in the mood for December before Cardi B came to Lagos, then seeing her enjoy Lagos like some IJGB’s would have made you want to turn up. Some say she did more for Nigerian tourism than the Ministry of Tourism. What can I say? I agree with them.

9) Jollof Rice:

Y’all know that Nigerian Jollof is the best! It has the right color, taste, and spice. Our Jollof Road team got to taste different Jollof, while on their trip around West Africa, and they agree that Nigerian Jollof is STILL THE BEST.
Going to a market at any time in Lagos is helluva stressful, and it requires more planning than your purchase list. Dealing with sassy market women is one thing, having to navigate the tricky pricing and fight for breathing space is another.

Here are some things you’ll relate to if you’ve ever been to a Lagos market:

1) Having to hold onto your bag with a death grip or wearing your backpack on the front.

That’s the only way you can ensure someone with a knife doesn’t cut it off your arm and run off with it.

2) Not picking up any calls or responding to any text because you don’t want anyone to steal your phone while you’re distracted.

In fact, don’t take your phone to the market because pickpockets will find a way to grab it, even if they have to put their hands in your bag or cut you with a razor to get it. Ruthless, those folks.

3) Walking under the sun for countless hours looking for that one item that is scarce now even though you saw it everywhere two days ago.

Suddenly everything is a mirage, and you’re not sure what you saw before.

4) Avoiding sellers with harsh facial expression and bad mouth.

There’s always that one man or woman that will abuse your ancestors because you tried to bargain.

5) Getting pulled left, right and center by people wanting to sell their wares to you by fire by force.

You must see their goods by force o!

6) Staying sharp and trying to avoid buying bad products.

Because you know there’d be a switch if you glance away for a minute. You’re sure to learn this the hard way.

7) Dealing with the reality of zero guarantees and no cashback.

You have to shine your eyes well if you don’t want to be scammed.

8) Having to wear your worst outfit to the market because you know it can’t get ruined any further than it already has.

That’s the only way you can endure the mud on the road, dust, and dirty hands.

9) Get ready to be shoved by the neighbours of people you buy from.

It’s guaranteed that a jealous market woman will shoo you away, abusing you and the seller you’re buying from. Usually, because his goods are in her space and you’re encroaching on her territory by trying to look closer at them.

10) Sellers always have an excuse for a price hike.

They have a Ph.D. in this field. They usually blame Buhari’s government or school fees period.

There’s also the famous one about ‘odun’, which is used during festive seasons; Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s day, Sallah, Muhammad’s birthday, Independence Day, Workers Day. You name it, they’ve got it.

11) Leaving your glamour at home.

Face full of makeup and lots of accessories and jewelry? Lagos markets are not friendly to that. If walking around doesn’t make the makeup feel heavy after a while, then having your jewelry stolen will make you weep with regret.

12) Don’t even bother to take your car to the market because the car park is so far off.

You’ll wish you didn’t by the time you trek for 3 hours, and you’re nowhere near the market.
Being an unofficial ambassador for African hair can be quite appealing, especially when you wow people with your kinky afro and cute hairstyles.

But everything has a downside to it, and the struggle and pain associated with maintaining natural hair is something you wish you didn’t have to deal with.

Here are 10 struggles you’ll relate with if you’re a naturalista:

1) The pain of combing:

Haircare day is always torture for because you know you can’t just pat your hair and be going like you’ve been doing for a couple of weeks.

So you wield that brush like a battle-ax and prepare yourself to cry while combing, which will leave your scalp feeling raw because of how coarse your hair is. And to make matters worse, your hair cuts too!

2) People think you’re broke because you decided to have natural hair:

If only they knew how expensive it is to maintain your natural hair. You had a few hair products when your hair was relaxed, but now you have a truckload and you keep buying more.

3) People advise you to stop looking like a madwoman:

The general agreement is that you look unkempt when you wear your hair naturally, so they never stop asking when you’re gonna have your hair done.

4) Annoying people who touch your hair without an invitation:

Who is this person that thinks you’re a puppy that loves being stroked by everybody without your consent?

5) Your hair shrinks like mad:

You were deluded enough to think you’ll have an afro as big as Erykah Badu’s…

…alas, that’s not the case because hair shrinkage is a real struggle for you.

6) Your hair always looks dry no matter the amount of moisture you apply:

Even if you pour a barrel of oil and moisturizer on your hair, it refuses to shine. Let’s not forget how yucky it feels when the oil starts dripping onto your face.

7) You’ve been tempted to start relaxing your hair again.

Because you’re just tired of the whole naturalista thing sef.

8) You’re very picky about the kind of hair salons you go to.

You used to pop into any salon before your naturalista days, but now you can’t because the hairstylists in most of the salons don’t know how to give your natural hair the TLC it needs.

You end up going back home with ruined edges and a sore head if you choose the wrong hairstylist.

9) Trying to figure out your hair type.

You didn’t even know this was a thing until you went natural, and now it’s all so confusing. Err, you’re not sure if your hair is a type 4a, 4b or 4c, you just know its natural.

10) Thinking of the best protective hairstyle that suits your face is stressful.

There are so many natural hairstyles out there you don’t know which one to choose. You eventually end up packing it in a bun and maybe tie a scarf to make it look cute.
Social media is a crazy street where everyone gets to showcase their talent and trigger their imaginations in the best (or worst) way possible while garnering followers. Sometimes this leads to new and useful innovations, other times it gets one asking WTF?

Some of these WTF moments involve slangs and phrases no one understands, we don’t even know where most originated from. Here’s a list of slang we think should die off at the end of the year:

I’m dead:

This is supposed to depict exclamation, shock or laughter but have you ever tried saying this phrase in front of a Nigerian parent? Die you shall, after they’ve beaten negative confessions (that will take you to an early grave) out of you.

O jewa ke eng:

You probably got tired of seeing this South African phrase on Twitter this year. Visiting the app was such a chore when this started trending, especially when it wouldn’t stop!

I wouldn’t even call this a trend, it was a movement and I loved it because it encouraged people to speak their truth and have good mental health by doing so. But truth be told, it got old really fast, especially when Nigerians joined the bandwagon to say what was eating at them. You know we love to do things EXTRA

Unpopular opinion:

Everybody used this as an excuse to spew rubbish on their timeline. Can I just say that nobody asked for your opinion so why are you giving it? Please let this culture die in 2019 abeg.

Scopa tu mana:

This phrase took over on Twitter when o je wa eng went on a midterm break. At a point, it seemed like everyone was clamouring to say what was bothering them.

Stan:

At first, I thought this was a bad spelling of stand until I realized it was a thing. Alas, using this word was a way to pay your respects to anybody/anything you loved on social media.

The word stanning brings to mind Stannis Baratheon, and we all know how mad that man became under the control of the Red Priestess. Enuff said I reserve my comments.

Mad o:

Yet another phrase intended to express respect or amazement, but why couldn’t it have been something more positive like rich o.

Why do we love craziness on this side of the world? Must have been the reason why Kolomental was such a hit years ago.

Okoto meow meow:

This phrase looks like it was inspired by a cat, just think of it for a minute. At the same time though, it seems like it’s pronounced as moi-moi. I’m not even going to address the first word because what the hell is that supposed to mean? Who comes up with these things sef?

Why is this such a thing? I have no idea, everyone is going with the flow. Some people add ‘skrr’ to theirs, which reminds of Cardi’s okuuurr. Meanwhile, some people add more salt and pepper, so it becomes ‘okoto meow kututu meow skrr.’ Meaning? Rubbish talk.

God when?

Okay, I’ve gotten tired of seeing this, can it just die already? This phrase is often used to show dissatisfaction with one’s circumstances, especially when they see something better.

But did y’all notice that most of the ‘god whening’ comments are usually made under posts of couples and cute babies? And new houses, and new offices? Okay, I agree, it’s EVERYWHERE.

Did I leave any social media phrase out? Let me know in the comments.
Looking like your parents isn’t a big deal for you, especially if you really don’t see it. So while everyone else scrambles above themselves to compare every habit and utterance of yours to your parents’ you just want them to get over it.

On the other hand, it can be fun and you get a kick over people’s reaction to your resemblance, particularly when it dawns on you that some members of your family can’t tell you (or your voice) apart from your mother or father.

Here are some of the things you will relate to if you look like your parent:

1) You’re often mistaken for them.

People will call you by their name more times than you can count and look shocked when it turns out to be you.

2) You know the phrase “spitting image” by heart.

This is a statement you encounter at least once a month and have gotten tired of hearing.

3) Your friends never believe how much you look like your parents until they see them.

They probably thought you were exaggerating your likeness and rolled their eyes before making that expected statement, “Everyone looks like their parents joor.”

Wait until they see how much you look like yours.

4) Then they never get tired of joking about how identical you are.

This is where they ask if you are siblings or twins. No oh, we are triplets.

5) You’ve gotten used to hearing, “haba, your mama/papa they run go?”

It’s hard for people to come to terms with the fact that you had no say in the matter of your looks–it’s just genes people.

6) Your parent’s old photos can pass for your most recent.

Even their pose in it is a direct copy of your favorite pose.

7) People love to tell you how you’ll age.

Self-proclaimed experts will use your parents as a reference on how you’ll look when you get older. Like you didn’t know that already.

8) Getting peppered with questions about how your siblings look.

Surely, you must all be mirror images of your parents if you look the way you do.
Christmas as an adult is less fun than as a kid. Although the emotions are similar, every adult knows that the difference is they are responsible for how everything turns out to be.

This makes Christmas a daunting season for many because of the expectations and family drama associated with it. Furthermore, while a child always expects to receive gifts at this time an adult is required to give instead. Here are some things that make Christmas a different experience altogether:

Decorations and food are on you:

Being a child comes with the assurance that Christmas dishes will always be available because someone provides them. Now, however, you’re not so sure if you’ll be able to have the good old Christmas rice and chicken available on the D-day, so you’re working double-time to ensure that you don’t end up drinking only water on Christmas day.

You’re gonna have to rethink attending those parties because they are a money drain:

When you were a kid it was all about wearing new clothes and having your hair done for Christmas so you could attend your friend’s party, you also had to present at your school’s Christmas carol, church carol and drama presentations.

Nowadays though, things have changed for you, now you have to think about the monetary aspects of these. The number of church groups you’re in determines the monetary contributions you’ll make, there are concert tickets to think of, you also need to buy drink vouchers at that ticket-free event. And let’s not forget the family reunion that has you buying more clothes, shoes, and foodstuff than you need

The emperor’s new clothes are on you:

Let’s be honest, all you were really bothered about when you were younger was if you were gonna get that video game you really wanted or if your mother would let you go on the slide and bouncy castle while you eat cotton candy. Christmas clothes were the last things on your mind because you knew you’d always have something new to wear.

But now you have grown and you have to buy all those stuff yourself. And it’s more than usual because there are even more places that require your presence. Some are themed parties that require specific clothes you’ll never wear again after the event.

Now you are the one buying presents:

Remember those times you anticipated visits from your aunts and uncles because of the presents you’d receive? Haha, now you are the aunt/uncle and you have to buy presents for those cute babies your siblings and cousins wouldn’t stop birthing. Think of when you have your own kids too–no excuses then either.

You’re gonna have to rethink your travel plans:

Travelling is no longer an excuse for an excursion, you don’t even get excited by the sights. You’ve been disillusioned by adulthood so much you only see potholes and experience road rage.

You also think of the double fees you are gonna have to cough up for that flight ticket because you know everything gets more expensive during Christmas (why do merchants complain of being broke in January too?).

You’ve got your boss and coworkers to think about:

As a child, it was guaranteed that you only had to give your friends, parents, and siblings gifts but now you have to think about a whole village when buying presents.

Not only will you be visiting the orphanage, giving to the less privileged, giving your family and giving church donations, you will also be giving your boss and colleagues Christmas presents, even those you hate and no, nobody appreciates handcrafted gifts anymore, please.

Trying to be on the good graces of your employees:

Because you know how they will look at you if you don’t throw an office party and you don’t give them their bags of rice and bonuses.

They don’t want to hear about how prices of things have skyrocketed during Buhari’s tenure, just give them their groundnut oil abeg.

Command performance at family reunions that have you screaming on the inside:

Attending family events as a kid was such fun because you got to run around and play, eat lots of food, get many presents and attention from your older relations.

However, the adult version can be horrific, because this is a time you have to show what you’ve been doing all year and you don’t want your IJGB cousin stealing away your spotlight. You also don’t want that other cousin who couldn’t look you in the eyes a few years ago monopolizing the conversation now that he has a chieftaincy title.
Being the last child in a family comes with its perks and frustrations. And it also comes with a lot of condescending statements from people who try to define the life of the last child even though they have no idea how it is.

Here are some of the things every last born in the family has heard more times than they can count and they are sick of hearing:

People believing that everything you own are hand-me-downs:

From your baby crib to your last phone and even your university admission

Being compared to older siblings if you attend the same school:

You’re likely to hear that they were smarter and better behaved than you. A teacher would surely say, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?’

Everyone calling you ‘smallie’:

Even when you turn 70 and have grandkids, your older relations will always regard you as the baby of the house.

When people tell you that you have no problems because your older siblings solve them before they occur:

The belief that you’re always needy and subservient to your siblings, financially, is so inherent in Nigeria it’s a wonder that last borns are yet to hold a mass protest against it.

Being told that your opinion doesn’t count or you don’t know what you’re saying because you’re the last born:

This usually happens in families where there’s a huge age gap between siblings. Everyone feels they know more about your life than you because they’ve lived longer.

Being told that you are mummy’s pet and daddy’s padi:

And then you’re considered weak and soft because of this.

“Let your mummy give birth to another baby now, are you not tired of being a last born?”

Every last child heard this statement at least once in their life when they were a kid.

The endless memes that declare you as an amebo that can be bribed to disclose any secret:

Because you have nothing better to do with your life than to be a tattletale and all you really care about is becoming a monitoring spirit.

Everybody regards whatever you do as “last born syndrome.”

This is the ‘get out of jail free’ card that society has given to you. It excuses all your wrongdoings in their eyes.
It’s the festive period and you want to have as much fun as you can handle. That pepper dem song should have had your name on it but no worries, you plan to create a new song for yourself while you’re having a lit December.

But the only blip on your radar at the moment is limited funds, truth is your income is not as big as your spending goals. So you’re thinking of the best way to manage your funds and still have the best time of your life. Well, we’ve got some tips for you:

1) Know what you want:

There are so many events that will clamour for your attention this month, from concerts to mini get-together’s, festivals, office parties, family hangouts and so much more.

The key to getting the best experience is to know which one would be the most fun for you to attend, as well as being cost-effective. This is where the scale of preference you learned in secondary school comes in, choose wisely. Do you really want to go to yet another dinner and award when you could be rocking it at a concert with your favourite artistes? That’s up to you to decide.

2) Buy tickets on time:

Early birds get the best worm. You don’t want to be biting your finger in regret when you hear that you could have gotten a ticket at 50% off if only you had bought it the week it came out. Don’t let your procrastination have you coughing up more funds than you can afford.

3) Go out with friends:

This is a smart move if you’re on the precipice of being broke. Aside from the fact that you get to hang out with people you love, you also get comfortable fessing up to your homies that sharing the bills is the best thing for you at the moment. So, carpool, share a meal, buy group tickets, do group funding. This way, you won’t end up broke AF in January.

4) Organise house parties:

Instead of lying in your bed wondering why brokeness has made you this way host a party at home and invite your friends. This will reduce the cost of a venue and you can tell everyone to chip in with their option of snacks, foods, and drinks if those are limited too.

Don’t forget to get a boom box blasting with your favorite songs and encourage your friends to bring someone new to the fold, you just might meet a new bestie this way.

5) Revamp your clothes:

So you want to buy new clothes at the boutique but do you remember that fab outfit you bought months ago which you refused to wear because the moment wasn’t right? Now is the time to wear it.

You could also get new accessories to go with those cute jeans and tee that haven’t seen sunlight in eons.

6) Go to street carnivals/festivals:

This is one way to have fun if carnivals are up your alley. Find out what’s going on in your area, which artiste will be performing and what date and time the carnival will kick-off. You might want to check up on the security levels and go with trusted friends if you choose to attend.

7) Have a cash reserve:

Have backup cash that remains untouched, come hell or high waters. You can party to your heart’s content when you know that you’ll still have something left to survive on afterward.

Imagine what fun it’ll be for you grinning like a Cheshire cat when everyone complains of how broke they are in January and you can say with your chest that you took a wise move during the holidays and saved up something for later.
The faster the days go, the closer Christmas gets. And while everyone is stoked about how dirty their Decembers will be, we are sort of anxious about our favorite part (and in our opinion, the most important part) — getting Christmas gifts. I mean, who doesn’t love a good Christmas gift?

One of the best things about not giving up during a hectic year is the chance to put your feet up and get rewarded for your tolerance (man what a hard year it’s been), especially when they come from brands you’ve been faithful to. I mean, you didn’t patronise them for nothing, did you?

As exciting as gift giving is, some people give the weirdest gifts. By weird, we mean, gifts that aren’t quite thought out. We asked a few friends what some of the weirdest gifts they’ve received from brands during Christmas, and here’s what we got.

1) Plastic hand fans:

This one we found quite hilarious. Because air conditioners and electric fans are no longer enough, one bright chap sitting behind a desk got a eureka moment and decided to bless his loyal customers with plastic hand fans. In this age of portable battery-powered fans who does that? Not only are hand fans archaic, you probably already have a lot of them at home. What makes it worse is that the heat in Nigeria is crazy.

2) Notepads:

Why do companies think giving out notebooks is the next best thing? If it isn’t fancy and customised with your name and photo on it, then no, thank you. We really do not fancy the idea of becoming unofficial brand ambassadors for said companies by brandishing their logo every time we want to jot down something.

3) T-shirts:

These always come in itchy fabric and unflattering sizes that leave one looking plain. And in a typical fashion, they lose colour after one wash.

4) Airtime:

This would have been nice if every brand didn’t do it at one point. Give me a concert ticket and I would choose it over airtime, at any time.

5) Face towels:

These usually come in the brightest colours with a scratchy quality that is water-resistant, doing the opposite of what it’s supposed to. For some reason, the companies that gift this item think nobody has face towels and they are the first to gift it. Sometimes, the face towel ends up being used as a dishrag, if used at all.

6) Football:

We thought we had heard it all until someone said they’d been given a football once and no, it was not signed by say Lionel Messi, neither was it previously owned by the G.O.A.T of the year. Why would anyone think that gifting a football was an awesome generic present? Beats me.

7) Pressing irons:

Who irons these days when there are dry cleaners that can take the stress and heat off your hands? Is there even light for you to use the iron? So many brands have given irons that they’re all gathering dust and rusting away somewhere in your wardrobe.

Wouldn’t it be better if these companies could just consider our feelings and needs by asking us what we wanted for Christmas instead? That would be a lot better, right? That’s why TECNO has gone a step ahead to make your wish their command.

Starting from December 4 to 20, 2019, TECNO will be fulfilling the Christmas wishes of Nigerians in its Christmas campaign themed “TECNO Gratitude Xmas”. Just upload a post on social media featuring your family-related Christmas wishes, tag TECNO’s social media pages and you just might get your wish fulfilled at the end of the week. Isn’t that wonderful? We cannot keep calm.
So the month you’ve been looking forward to the whole year is finally here and you get to enjoy every minute of it. Eating, sleeping and partying with no excuses or the disturbance of an alarm because it’s the festive season.

But if you live in Lagos with no plans of going anywhere else for the holidays you know that your stress level will increase, and you’ve probably been wondering how to make the best of Christmas in the city before the countdown to December 2020 begins. Here are some tips of places to avoid if you don’t like stress:

Malls:

They are usually packed with lots of people whose ultimate goal is to make it a substitute for Dubai. These people have no intention whatsoever to visit any store or buy anything at all, it’s just a photo-op for them.

They move in packs and are sure to frustrate your life when you choose to go grocery shopping.

Open Markets:

Try to get all your shopping done in November, or maybe October, because navigating the streets and madness of Lagos markets at Christmas time can twist you into a pretzel and have you tearing your hair.

Avoid places like Balogun market, Yaba market, and the almighty Oshodi market, etc if you like yourself. Asides from prizes spiking up you’ll be sure to experience the frenzy and shoving of other Christmas shoppers.

Parks:

Picture credit: Silverbird TV

Oh gosh, thinking of the insects; people who don’t know what a trash can is for, people who walk on the grass instead of the pavement, the wailing kids, the loudspeakers blasting different songs and the crowd of people taking pictures at every turn like they are at Disney land is stressful enough.

Cinemas:

What with Hollywood and even Nollywood movies premiering in December, A LOT of people decide that taking their family– nuclear and extended– to the cinema for the holidays is the cutest thing ever.

So you might want to stock up on home videos and Netflix subscription if you want to avoid all the crazies, whom you’ll be sure to encounter at the cinemas.

Beaches:

For some reason, Lagosians think that going to the beach is the coolest thing to do during the holidays. So if you’re thinking of doing so yourself just know that about 15 million other Lagosians are too.

The beach is gonna be parked af. Think of the sweat, pee water (yuck) and inappropriate clothing that is an eyesore (how will someone wear agbada to the beach nitori olorun?)

Eateries:

Picture credit: Marketplace Africa

Shucks, I’m pretty sure every 90s child in Nigeria experienced this at one time or the other especially when Mr. Biggs, Big Treat, and Mama Cass were the bomb.

It’s guaranteed that most people on a low budget are gonna be turning up at existing eateries trying to show themselves. Best advice? Leave them be.

Concerts:

Hehehe. I know, I know. Who doesn’t love a good concert? But not when you get sandwiched between two louts who didn’t bother to use deodorant or when standing gets tiring because the main artiste has kept everyone waiting for 3 HOURS (y’ all should learn from Cardi B though).

Let’s not forget trying to find the right parking space or praying that your 100th attempt at booking an Uber ride works because it seems like everyone decides to hail one at the very moment you choose to leave.

Lagos-Ibadan Expressway And Ojota:

Traveling out of Lagos after December 18 is probably the worst thing ever. News flash: everyone else is too! Most people will be scrambling to get out of the city so fast you’ll wonder why they even stay here in the first place.

Meanwhile, something worth an honorable mention is the numerous church camps and revivals that happen during the early part of December. You know the ones, those ones that have everyone moving out on Fridays, leading to a frustrating gridlock that will have you weeping and swearing if the heat and noise don’t kill you first.
In between working or studying and whatever you do to make ends meet, taking a break is super important. When you combine fun and relaxation, what you get is a great party — the break everyone needs.

Do you know what made 2019 relaxing and fun for us? Attending some of the best parties hosted by Johnnie Walker. You might think, “It’s just a party, what’s the big deal?” But it’s never just a party — certainly not when Johnnie Walker is involved. Let’s give you a quick example of what we’re talking about, so you have a good idea and know not to ever miss a JW party we invite you to.

What Did We Do?

Short answer? Got Our Groove On With Johnnie Walker At Capital Block Party.

Who doesn’t love a good turn up? Nobody. Not us at least. That’s why we not only got our groove back, but we got it on with Johnnie Walker at Capital Block Party. It was a lot of fun if you ask me. From quality Johnnie Walker cocktails to music performed by our faves, we couldn’t get enough.

Capital Block Party held at the BMT Gardens in Abuja and was sponsored by Johnnie Walker. Here’s a quick recap:

Lagos vs Abuja

I think the most interesting part of this party outside of the great vibe, cocktails, and music, was the dance-off between Lagos party lovers and Abuja party lovers. Everyone knows how Lagos and Abuja people like to bicker at each other when it comes to everything and anything, so, Johnnie Walker decided to put this to test in the party context — “Who parties better, Lagos or Abuja?”

To bring this argument to life, Johnnie Walker treated 10 Lagosians to a trip of a lifetime by flying them in to party with the Abuja crew.

Turns out at the end of the day that it didn’t matter. Regardless of the location, a Johnnie Walker party is always lit irrespective of where the people partying are from. You heard?

Under the sun and in the rain?

You know how the NYSC anthem goes “under the sun and in the rain”? Well, this Johnnie Walker party was ultimate proof that Nigerians know how to get it down despite the weather. The turnout was mad. Get this: NO ONE CARED THAT IT WAS RAINING. We were having so much fun, it didn’t matter. Over 1500 guests just having the time of their life in a party is a total vibe that we are here for.

Cocktails!

Once you have a Johnnie Walker cocktail, there’s no turning back. Johnnie Walker showed us they meant business with the affordable yet quality cocktails.

We couldn’t get enough; I mean who could ever say no to sweet and spunky drinks especially when they look so good? Certainly not us.

Music

It was the perfect blend of artistes giving us the best sounds to show off our dancing skills: From Falz to Small Doctor to DRB, Ajebutter, and so much more, we were star struck.

Apart from having Bollylomo as the electrifying host of the party, there were some amazing new musical acts that we got introduced to. Johnnie Walker doesn’t only have good cocktail taste, they have good music taste. We stan.

Dance Dance Galore

In the middle of all the fun, games and dancing, a dance competition began. It was spearheaded by Poco Lee and Picture Kodak representing the Lagos crew against some of Abuja’s best dancers. There was zanku, splitting, shoki and every dance you can mention.

What’s Next?

There’s no stopping Johnnie Walker. Looking for what to add to your Detty December list? Then get early tickets to the Island Block Party–Festival of Lights, headlined by Major Lazer and sponsored by Johnnie Walker. Visit www.mainlandblockparty.com to get your tickets and keep December 15 blocked on your calendar. Don’t say we didn’t do anything for you.
It’s almost the end of the 2010’s and there’s been enough gist in Nigerian politics within this era to keep us intrigued, from the political scandals to the rumors and even the feuds.

Therefore, we’ve decided to jog your memory of the disagreement and grudges that have occurred in the Nigerian government before this decade wraps up. So here’s a list of some of them, from the old to the new:

1) Obasanjo vs Atiku (2003-2018):

We’re not exactly sure what started this grudge but we know it started long before this decade and it got former president, Olusegun Obasanjo, promising that he would never endorse Atiku Abubakar for presidency in Nigeria.

This remained a thing until 2018 when Obasanjo saw the light somehow and decided to forgive his former VP because, according to him, Atiku was remorseful about his old ways. I guess trying to get Buhari out was bigger than any old disagreement.

2) Dino Melaye vs Everyone (2010-present):

Who hasn’t Dino offended or picked a fight with? From his political party defection, which caused a rift between him and many of his former APC members, to his fallout with Yahaya Bello, Kogi State Governor and let’s not forget his very public declaration that he would love to beat and possibly impregnate Senator Remi Tinubu.

Dino has been known to put his foot in his mouth one too many times, this in turn gets him on the wrong side of many people.

3) APC vs PDP (2013-present):

Even though the All Progressives Congress political party is just 6 years old many Nigerians think of it as an old party, possibly because it is an amalgamation of former political parties (who still remembers ACN?).

Considering the combined strength and countless party switching during that time, it is no wonder that APC refuses to let PDP be, especially now that it is the ruling party.

The People’s Democratic Party is arguably one of the oldest political party in Nigeria and one of the strongest (forget all that story about the multi-party system you learnt in school) but it seems to have met its match in APC.

4) Buhari vs Nigerians (2015-present):

Daddy Bubu stormed into the presidency in 2015, displeasing many Nigerians with a number of his policies, from the devaluation of the Naira, to cutting off forex access to people schooling abroad, removing fuel subsidy and a whole lot more.

There’s also been a lot of push-back from Nigerians over things Buhari’s government planned to establish this year. Remember RUGA program and the hate speech bill? Yeah those.

5) Ambode vs Tinubu (2018):

Somehow Akinwunmi Ambode, former Governor of Lagos State, stepped on the tail of a ‘lion’ and learnt the hard way that the lion’s roar is scarier than he thought. For some reason, Ambode was rumored to have offended quite a lot of people and he got his ass bit because of it.

Apparently, this led to his fallout with Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu who declared Ambode a person non grata because, according to him, Ambode was not a team player and needed to be reprimanded for it. Which is why Ambode lost his second term as governor to Babajide Sanwo Olu who became APC’s choice for the Lagos governorship instead of him.

6) Atiku vs Buhari (2019):

Picture credit: bbc.com

Remember this video clip of Atiku crying when he got the nomination form from his party? If only he knew he was going to cry foul few months down the line when Buhari got elected again to the disbelieve of many Nigerians.

What’s more? Atiku was made to feel insignificant with the way his case was thrown out of court, added with President Buhari’s gloating.

7) Emir of Kano vs Governor Ganduje (2019):

Abudullahi Umar Ganduje, Governor of Kano, dislikes the Emir of Kano, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, and is doing everything within his power to show his displeasure. He’s been trying to belittle the power that the Kano monarch has by creating four other emirates that would ultimately reduce the influence of the Emir.

The power tussle was so fierce that even President Buhari, Aliko Dangote and Kayode Fayemi had to intervene, to calm the waters. That worked, for a while, until Ganduje reared his head again and allegedly attempted to dethrone Emir Sanusi,

Why does Ganduje hate Emir Sanusi so much? Well, he believes that the monarch was badmouthing him which was why he almost lost the election for his second term as governor, so he came back with a vengeance and doesn’t care whether the court dissolves his newly formed emirates or not. He’s out for blood, and he wants Sanusi’s.

8) Wike vs Rivers State Monarchs (2019):

Nyesom Wike, Rivers State Governor, really came for the monarchs in his state in his ongoing tenure. According to him, they are the reason behind cultism in Rivers and the best way to curtail it is to cut off the head, hence dethroning the monarchs who aid and abet cultists.

9) Oyegun vs Oshiomole (2019):

Okay, nobody really knows why these two have it out for each other but it might be because John Odigie-Oyegun, Oshomole’s predecessor, called Adams Oshomole –APC Chairman– to order over the way he’s been handling Godwin Obaseki, the current Edo State Governor.

10) Buhari vs Osinbajo (2019):

This feud has left us guessing. There’s been a lot of hearsays from both parties and quite a lot of cloaked underground happenings that often leave Nigerians dazed and wondering wtf is actually going on, since nobody will tell us anything.

However, they’ve been some red flags that spotlights this issue. Like when President Buhari subtly kicked his Vice, Yemi Osinbajo, to the curb by setting up an Economic Advisory Council, without informing Osinbajo who had a similar committee already in place. There was also that one time, recently, when Buhari sacked Osinbajo’s aides (35 of them) without his consent.

There’s been several reports that a “cabal” seeks to undermine Osinbajo’s authority. Despite the rumours, mud slinging and counter accusations that have been made we still don’t know what’s going on in Aso Rock, so na to siddon look we dey so.

Know more feuds that we didn’t mention? Drop a comment below and show us the light!
It’s finally Christmas season. Detty December has been loading for you since April which is why you’ve got to get everything in place: money, squad and of course your awesome style team to help you slay.

Okay, get this, if you know that your style team only includes you and your tailor (the new one that has you biting your fingers in fear), then you might want to brace yourself for the inevitable excuses they will throw your way. Here are some of the most famous ones:

There’s been no light since NEPA took it weeks ago:

So even though you saw NEPA light on their street you have to believe that they are telling you the truth and didn’t change over to gen when they saw you coming.

They didn’t see the fabric you wanted in the market:

They are going to blame this one on Buhari and YOU. Really though, why did he close the border and why couldn’t you have chosen something else? They’ll conveniently forget that they recommended the fabric because it’s “in vogue”.

“If you did not tell us to put that rose on the cloth, it would have been finer.”

Because anything that goes wrong with that outfit is your fault. Not theirs at all, just you who thought they could do the job based on their say so.

“Ha oga, you have to pay for express because there are so many clothes from other customers so we would have to squeeze you in.”

Meanwhile, there’s nothing but thread and pieces of fabric in their store and they look like they really need you to patronize them.

They’ll tell you the reason your outfit is horrible is because their apprentice made it:

If they can blame it on NEPA, Buhari or your late payment, they will say that it was their apprentice that ruined it. That’s sheer wickedness right there.

They’ll ask if you recently lost weight:

This is a popular excuse in the Nigerian tailor’s manual. It is only used when they’ve sewed three times the proportions of your measurements.

Did we miss any excuse you’ve heard before? What are you doing to avoid hearing these excuses? Drop a comment, let’s know.
Sharing a space with people can be fun, frustrating or exhausting. But your entire living experience will depend on how well you relate with others. Have you ever considered what it’s like for others who live with you though?

Take this quiz to find out what kind of roommate you are:
There is no one way to introduce your partner to your very Nigerian parents. Most Nigerian parents like to delude themselves into thinking that you’re a saintly angel who knows nothing about relationships, sex, and commitment. Lol.

We’ve curated some tips that might be helpful when introducing your partner to your parents:

1) First of all decide if it’s worth doing:

Is your relationship in that place yet? You really don’t want to turn your house to a footpath for every Tom, Dick, and Harry, breakup after breakup.

The people in your neighbourhood will start counting and bring it to the attention of your parents, who will in turn rain fire and brimstone on your head.

2) Meet the friends before the parents:

Duh! Are you even in a relationship if you haven’t met with your partner’s friends? This is a crucial sign of approval.

If they are not flaunting you to their best buds then something is really wrong.

3) Keep calm:

Panicking and creating weird scenarios in your head would just worsen the situation. But try not to get caught kissing your partner within the first few hours of the MEET (keep your slippery assurances well away from the venue). Y’all will find it hard to get out of that faux pas or anything similar to it.

4) Plan and scheme:

You know your parents better than anybody. You know if they like the Mary Amaka kind of girls or are liberal enough to accept tattooed goodness.

So you might want to plan what your partner will wear, how they will talk, what jokes to crack, and how not to put their foot in their mouth. Ensure you both get your story straight so you don’t get caught in whatever tales you’ve weaved.

5) Prepare yourself for questions:

What kind of job does your partner have? What’s their family name and village address? Do they visit family during the holidays? When will you be getting married?

Oh, did you really think you were gonna avoid that? Hell nah, if you are old enough to bring someone home, you are old enough for marriage in the eye of a Nigerian parent.

6) Let your partner be themselves:

Honestly, this is the best way to get off the radar of mothers with squinty eyes at their back and fathers with razor-sharp tongues who will smile at your partner until they decree that you stop seeing them. For no reason whatsoever, except that dream they had that declared your partner as the kingpin of a wizarding kingdom.
Acrophobia or the fear of heights is a big thing that a lot of people have to deal with. Those who face it on a daily know that the only way to deal with it is to accept and live through it.

Here are some things you’ll relate to if you have a fear of heights:

Cussing the creators of pedestrian bridges

So you want me to die by slipping and falling, when I can take my chances with fast cars on the expressway and the LASTMA fine?

Trying not to look down but doing so anyway:

…because curiosity killed the cat and this cat has a strong desire for things it fears the most.

Feeling dizzy, hot and bothered:

Your mind starts playing games and you feel like the world is tilting toward you, literally.

You can’t even climb the stairs without holding on with a death grip

While waiting for the person climbing beside you to pass before you proceed, so you don’t fall on your face.

Getting into a lift is the worst thing ever:

That momentary out of body experience is not appealing at all.

An escalator? Forget it

You’d rather walk around the building 400 times or climb the stairs to get to the 1000th floor.

Cringing every time your grandma throws a baby in the air

Because only a sadist would do that!

You wonder why everyone brags about the jet-setting lifestyle

What’s so fun about getting into an airplane and experiencing vertigo throughout your flight? You prefer a road-trip, thank you very much!

Lost dreams and dead thrills

You’d have been a great gymnast, swinging from poles effortlessly if not for this acrophobia that won’t let you be great. Now you know you’ll never be able to live out your bucket list of true adventures which involves sky diving and rock climbing.
Nigerians can make anything popular; if we all get behind a brand, that brand is made for life. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that some brands are used as a generic term for certain products or services because of how popular they’ve become.

Here’s a list of some of them:

1) NEPA:

Long before the power sector was privatized in Nigeria, it was called the National Electric Power Authority (NEPA) in the 70s. However, NEPA has become a huge part of our lingo which is why everyone conveniently forgets that the name ceased to exist when it was changed to the Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN).

Now, everyone in Nigeria knows that “Up NEPA” means one thing only–the low voltage and epileptic power supply is back on for everyone to use for few hours.

2) Maggi:

Due to its popularity as a longstanding brand in the cooking industry, Maggi remains the generic name for every other food seasoning.

Nowadays, vendors always ask you to specify which brand you’re referring to when you ask for Maggi.

3) Indomie:

As far as Nigerians are concerned, every noodle is Indomie.

So we disregard the fact that Indomie is a brand of noodles because nobody really cares about that distinction; just give us the noodle, let’s eat.

4) Milo:

Milo, a Nestle beverage product, has been tagged by many Nigerians as the generic name for every cocoa food drink in the country.

5) Hypo:

For a while, Jik was leading the pack but Hypo snatched its hat and has made itself the most recognized brand in the bleaching industry. The sad thing is, every other bleaching agent is now called Hypo.

6) Bagco:

Ask a market woman in Nigeria for a sack and she will correct you, saying; “Do you mean Bagco?”

7) Gala:

All hail Gala! This sausage roll brand has become the widespread name for every other sausage roll in Nigeria.

So no matter how hard other companies try to stand out with their brand name, Gala knocks them dead by staying on the lips of every consumer.

8) Dettol:

Odds are if you ask any Nigerian what their favorite antiseptic brand is, the answer would be, Dettol. This is not because it actually is, but because everyone refers to all antiseptic liquid as Dettol.

9) Macleans:

If you’re one of those people who automatically think of Macleans when someone says toothpaste, then you sure fit into the category of Nigerians who call every toothpaste Macleans.

Which brand do you think we left out? Let us know in the comments.
This is Zikoko’s Game of Votes Weekly Dispatch. We share the most important things that happen in Nigeria every week. 5pm Thursdays. Stay woke.

Beggi Beggi, E No Good O

Who knew Yahaya Bello, governor of Kogi State, was so influential? He definitely yields some kind of power over the who’s who in Nigerian politics if a whole Madame First Lady, Aisha Buhari, and Nasir El Rufai, Kaduna State Governor, can kneel in front of residents of Kogi state during a campaign on his behalf, begging them to vote him in for his second term as governor.

Where Did This Happen?

Their theatre performance held at the Confluence Stadium in Lokoja, in front of a teeming crowd and an intrigued audience. We were intrigued when we heard that the hardcore El-Rufai fell on his knees, telling everyone to disregard the fact that Bello didn’t do anything worthwhile in his state during his first term.

Even more ridiculous was the fact that El-Rufai deemed it reasonable to blame Yahaya Bello’s failings on his youth, stating that everyone should forgive him for his bad governance: “For every one that the governor has offended, I’m asking all of you to forgive him. He is young; he is supposed to make mistakes. When you are young, you make mistakes but you learn from them.”

Hmmm, colour us shocked that El-Rufai took a cue from Daddy Bubu with a spinoff of the lazy Nigeria youths mantra as if that’s a good enough excuse for Governor Bello’s ineptitude and nonpayment of salaries.

And Where Was Yahaya Bello While This Was Happening?

Right beside the two jokers grinning from ear to ear, probably thinking up ways to spend that N10 billion that was approved by the Senate two days to the Kogi state elections; budget padding things.

Nothing New, Just Election Insecurity Here And There

Bayelsa and Kogi state held their gubernatorial election on Saturday, and as usual, mayhem and hell broke loose on election day. What would Nigeria be if thugs don’t appear to snatch ballot boxes and disrupt every electoral proceeding, basically spitting in the face of INEC?

Okay, Seriously, What’s New?

Amid all the sporadic shootings and killings in the rerun senatorial elections in Kogi, Dino Melaye’s stated that his nephew got killed by a policeman’s bullet. Is this true or not? We’re not sure; it came from the horse’s mouth, so even though we take everything Melaye says with a pinch of salt we’re trying to believe that he wouldn’t joke about something so serious, least of all try to use it for political clout.

Meanwhile…

Meanwhile, Goodluck Jonathan was hella upset with members of his political party because of his alleged disagreement with the ex-governor of Bayelsa State, Seriake Dickson, over PDP’s decision to have Douye Diri run as the candidate for the Bayelsa State governor race.

The tea is that Goodluck Jonathan didn’t throw his weight behind Douye Diri; he didn’t lift a finger to support that poor man’s campaign, subtly giving APC a chance to become the ruling party in Bayelsa for the first time in history. The beef must have been strong for Daddy Jonah to quietly sabotage his party because of personal grievances, hope this won’t come back to bite him in the ass sha.

DID YOU MISS THIS?
1. Bukola Dakolo’s case was dismissed by Justice Oathman A. Musa, who said that she was “insensitive” to the court of law and totally “sentimental”; Timi Dakolo had a lot to say about that matter.
2. The African giant is taking over the world! On the heels of his expected trip to South Africa, after saying he’ll NEVER go back there, Burna Boy gets nominated for the GRAMMYS baby!
NOT.THE.NEWS

Do you remember all the drama that Nigerian politicians have engaged in throughout the years? Do you even recall the name Dimeji Bankole? Well, since the 2010s are wrapping up we decided to create a list of some of the biggest political scandals Nigerians have been forced to experience by our craziest leaders.

Our fellas are still on the Jollof Road chopping the life of their heads but they’ve finally given a hint that all might not be as rosy as we thought on this road trip. Regardless of that though, we still believe they’re living the best life right now, at least they get to see all of West Africa while we are stuck here in Lagos traffic.

Ministry is moving

The dispatch is growing. If you enjoyed reading this, share this with someone, you hear?

Are you subscribed to our political newsletter Game of Votes? You should be subscribed to our political newsletter, Game of Votes. Here’s a link to subscribe if you’re not.

We tell you the most important things that happened in Nigeria, during the week, in a way that won’t bore you to death.

Gabriella Opara
This is Zikoko’s Game of Votes Weekly Dispatch. We share the most important things that happen in Nigeria every week. 5pm Thursdays. Stay woke.

Beggi Beggi, E No Good O

Who knew Yahaya Bello, governor of Kogi State, was so influential? He definitely yields some kind of power over the who’s who in Nigerian politics if a whole Madame First Lady, Aisha Buhari, and Nasir El Rufai, Kaduna State Governor, can kneel in front of residents of Kogi state during a campaign on his behalf, begging them to vote him in for his second term as governor.

Where Did This Happen?

Their theatre performance held at the Confluence Stadium in Lokoja, in front of a teeming crowd and an intrigued audience. We were intrigued when we heard that the hardcore El-Rufai fell on his knees, telling everyone to disregard the fact that Bello didn’t do anything worthwhile in his state during his first term.

Even more ridiculous was the fact that El-Rufai deemed it reasonable to blame Yahaya Bello’s failings on his youth, stating that everyone should forgive him for his bad governance: “For every one that the governor has offended, I’m asking all of you to forgive him. He is young; he is supposed to make mistakes. When you are young, you make mistakes but you learn from them.”

Hmmm, colour us shocked that El-Rufai took a cue from Daddy Bubu with a spinoff of the lazy Nigeria youths mantra as if that’s a good enough excuse for Governor Bello’s ineptitude and nonpayment of salaries.

And Where Was Yahaya Bello While This Was Happening?

Right beside the two jokers grinning from ear to ear, probably thinking up ways to spend that N10 billion that was approved by the Senate two days to the Kogi state elections; budget padding things.

Nothing New, Just Election Insecurity Here And There

Bayelsa and Kogi state held their gubernatorial election on Saturday, and as usual, mayhem and hell broke loose on election day. What would Nigeria be if thugs don’t appear to snatch ballot boxes and disrupt every electoral proceeding, basically spitting in the face of INEC?

Okay, Seriously, What’s New?

Amid all the sporadic shootings and killings in the rerun senatorial elections in Kogi, Dino Melaye’s stated that his nephew got killed by a policeman’s bullet. Is this true or not? We’re not sure; it came from the horse’s mouth, so even though we take everything Melaye says with a pinch of salt we’re trying to believe that he wouldn’t joke about something so serious, least of all try to use it for political clout.

Meanwhile…

Meanwhile, Goodluck Jonathan was hella upset with members of his political party because of his alleged disagreement with the ex-governor of Bayelsa State, Seriake Dickson, over PDP’s decision to have Douye Diri run as the candidate for the Bayelsa State governor race.

The tea is that Goodluck Jonathan didn’t throw his weight behind Douye Diri; he didn’t lift a finger to support that poor man’s campaign, subtly giving APC a chance to become the ruling party in Bayelsa for the first time in history. The beef must have been strong for Daddy Jonah to quietly sabotage his party because of personal grievances, hope this won’t come back to bite him in the ass sha.

DID YOU MISS THIS?
1. Bukola Dakolo’s case was dismissed by Justice Oathman A. Musa, who said that she was “insensitive” to the court of law and totally “sentimental”; Timi Dakolo had a lot to say about that matter.
2. The African giant is taking over the world! On the heels of his expected trip to South Africa, after saying he’ll NEVER go back there, Burna Boy gets nominated for the GRAMMYS baby!
NOT.THE.NEWS

Do you remember all the drama that Nigerian politicians have engaged in throughout the years? Do you even recall the name Dimeji Bankole? Well, since the 2010s are wrapping up we decided to create a list of some of the biggest political scandals Nigerians have been forced to experience by our craziest leaders.

Our fellas are still on the Jollof Road chopping the life of their heads but they’ve finally given a hint that all might not be as rosy as we thought on this road trip. Regardless of that though, we still believe they’re living the best life right now, at least they get to see all of West Africa while we are stuck here in Lagos traffic.

Ministry is moving

The dispatch is growing. If you enjoyed reading this, share this with someone, you hear?

Are you subscribed to our political newsletter Game of Votes? You should be subscribed to our political newsletter, Game of Votes. Here’s a link to subscribe if you’re not.

We tell you the most important things that happened in Nigeria, during the week, in a way that won’t bore you to death.
This is Zikoko’s Game of Votes Weekly Dispatch. We share the most important things that happen in Nigeria every week. 5pm Thursdays. Stay woke.

Beggi Beggi, E No Good O

Who knew Yahaya Bello, governor of Kogi State, was so influential? He definitely yields some kind of power over the who’s who in Nigerian politics if a whole Madame First Lady, Aisha Buhari, and Nasir El Rufai, Kaduna State Governor, can kneel in front of residents of Kogi state during a campaign on his behalf, begging them to vote him in for his second term as governor.

Where did this happen?

Their theatre performance held at the Confluence Stadium in Lokoja, in front of a teeming crowd and an intrigued audience. We were intrigued when we heard that the hardcore El-Rufai fell on his knees, telling everyone to disregard the fact that Bello didn’t do anything worthwhile in his state during his first term.

Even more ridiculous was the fact that El-Rufai deemed it reasonable to blame Yahaya Bello’s failings on his youth, stating that everyone should forgive him for his bad governance: “For every one that the governor has offended, I’m asking all of you to forgive him. He is young; he is supposed to make mistakes. When you are young, you make mistakes but you learn from them.”

Hmmm, colour us shocked that El-Rufai took a cue from Daddy Bubu with a spinoff of the lazy Nigeria youths mantra as if that’s a good enough excuse for Governor Bello’s ineptitude and nonpayment of salaries.

And Where Was Yahaya Bello While This Was Happening?

Right beside the two jokers grinning from ear to ear, probably thinking up ways to spend that N10 billion that was approved by the Senate two days to the Kogi state elections; budget padding things.

Nothing New, Just Election Insecurity Here And There

Bayelsa and Kogi state held their gubernatorial election on Saturday, and as usual, mayhem and hell broke loose on election day. What would Nigeria be if thugs don’t appear to snatch ballot boxes and disrupt every electoral proceeding, basically spitting in the face of INEC?

Okay, Seriously, What’s New?

Amid all the sporadic shootings and killings in the rerun senatorial elections in Kogi, Dino Melaye’s stated that his nephew got killed by a policeman’s bullet. Is this true or not? We’re not sure; it came from the horse’s mouth, so even though we take everything Melaye says with a pinch of salt we’re trying to believe that he wouldn’t joke about something so serious, least of all try to use it for political clout.

Meanwhile…

Meanwhile, Goodluck Jonathan was hella upset with members of his political party because of his alleged disagreement with the ex-governor of Bayelsa State, Seriake Dickson, over PDP’s decision to have Douye Diri run as the candidate for the Bayelsa State governor race.

The tea is that Goodluck Jonathan didn’t throw his weight behind Douye Diri; he didn’t lift a finger to support that poor man’s campaign, subtly giving APC a chance to become the ruling party in Bayelsa for the first time in history. The beef must have been strong for Daddy Jonah to quietly sabotage his party because of personal grievances, hope this won’t come back to bite him in the ass sha.

DID YOU MISS THIS?
1. Bukola Dakolo’s case was dismissed by Justice Oathman A. Musa, who said that she was “insensitive” to the court of law and totally “sentimental”; Timi Dakolo had a lot to say about that matter.
2. The African giant is taking over the world! On the heels of his expected trip to South Africa, after saying he’ll NEVER go back there, Burna Boy gets nominated for the GRAMMYS baby!
NOT.THE.NEWS

Do you remember all the drama that Nigerian politicians have engaged in throughout the years? Do you even recall the name Dimeji Bankole? Well, since the 2010s are wrapping up we decided to create a list of some of the biggest political scandals Nigerians have been forced to experience by our craziest leaders.

Our fellas are still on the Jollof Road chopping the life of their heads but they’ve finally given a hint that all might not be as rosy as we thought on this road trip. Regardless of that though, we still believe they’re living the best life right now, at least they get to see all of West Africa while we are stuck here in Lagos traffic.

Ministry is moving

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We tell you the most important things that happened in Nigeria, during the week, in a way that won’t bore you to death.
Christmas is legit the best time of the year, particularly in Lagos where everybody seems to migrate back to the village for awhile, leaving a lot of breathing room and traffic free roads for everyone else.

Did I really just type that? No, I was joking; there’s never a time that Lagos is traffic free; and what with the many concerts, market trips and parties cramped into the few weeks of December, there’s little to enjoy in Lagos during Christmas except you stay at home or you’re a martyr who gets off on stress.

However, there are some things that one can do to make a Christmas in Lagos worthwhile, fulfilling and enjoyable. This is where members of the Christmas on The Streets NGO are getting it right; by including everyone in the Christmas cheer, right on the streets of Lagos. Here are some ways they’ve been doing that:

1) Volunteering

What’s more fulfilling than helping to put a smile on peoples face? Doing it during Christmas is even more fun because that’s when people have enough time to gather together and think up the best ways to impact their community.

2) Visiting Local Communities

The best way to be impactful is to visit places that need your impact; sharing a meal with the kids at Makoko Village in Lagos or visiting an orphanage and giving out donations is one way to do that.

Throwing a street party also gives a give reason for a cheer, particularly when there’s music, food and an array of nonstop entertainment and room to run around; that’s why outdoor parties are the best.

3) Helping People Improve Their Health

Health is really better than wealth, but there are people in various communities that can’t afford to go for the occasional medical checkups or buy the right medications. Which is why some people result to unorthodox means of medications, trying to maintain good health; but, putting their life at risk because of it.

Creating an avenue for free health checkups and medications can be one the best presents one can give someone in need of it.

4) Giving Out Food:

There’s love in sharing and the COTS team has been proving that since 2012 by going to the streets of Lagos and giving out food during the festive season; not a belly goes to sleep hungry during Christmas.

5) Throwing A Street Party:

…and bringing out all the decorations. When everyone has gotten clothes, food and some gifts, the next thing is? A PARTY. Everyone gets to dance their hearts out with no discrimination. Oh, and throw in a Christmas tree made by everyone from recycled paper and you’ve got yourself a lit parrrty.

COTS has been giving a lot of people in less privileged communities a reason to look forward to Christmas every year since 2012; you can join their team if you’d like to be one more reason why someone is smiling and happy this Christmas.
Politics in Nigeria is so dramatic so we decided to pick out from the pool of mayhem and shenanigans that happened throughout the decade to bring y’all the award winning performance of the nation’s politicking sagas.

Trust me, it was pretty hard trying to figure out which of the many dramas that occurred throughout the 2010s should make this list, but here are some of the more interesting ones:

1) Dino Melaye On The Dimeji Bankole Impeachment Saga (2010):

Although we are not giving any prizes, Dino Melaye is our favorite and most entertaining politician of the decade; he’s been a trouble maker and a trendsetter in politics for as long as he’s been a politician.

Going as far back as when Dimeji Bankole was the Speaker of the House of Representatives in 2010, Dino was one of the reps that caused quite a raucous at the house when a motion was raised to impeach Bankole, who was seated calmly, watching chaos unfold right in front of him.

2) Pandemonium In Rivers State Assembly (2013):

Rivers state has always been a hot region but the intensity of the heat was brought to the attention of Nigerians when a free-for-all pandemonium ensued in the state’s senate that left a man’s head and jaw broken and the place in an uproar.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zM9P9nxNMA8&has_verified=1

3) Senators Showing Off Their Climbing Skills (2014):

Somehow, senators made the police force stationed in the 7th National Assembly so mad, they got locked out of the Senate house and had to climb a gate to get through; after hours of agitated discussions, persuasions and pleading.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SRsvk5vbkA

4) GEJ & iPhone 5 Legbegbe (2014):

Former president, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, threw a lavish wedding ceremony for his daughter but many Nigerians couldn’t get over the fact that the alleged iPhone 5 souvenirs were quite extravagant, especially given the fact that Nigeria was still reeling from the shock of Chibok girls who were kidnapped by Boko Haram.

5) Oluremi Tinubu vs Dino Melaye (2016):

Dino is everything nobody really likes even though he makes up for it with his singing and theatrics. He proved himself to be a misogynist when he told Senator Remi Tinubu that he would “beat up and impregnate her on the Senate floor and nothing would be done about it”.

This was as a result of a series of clashes and altercations between them, mostly because of his (and Bukola Saraki’s) defection to PDP from APC at the time. Watch Dino trying to defend himself for something so inexcusable:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaf3sxgvn6c

6) Senators Soliciting Prostitutes In America (2016):

Three Nigerian senators embarrassed the life out of us by their scandalous habits, wandering hands and indecent proposals. Samuel Ikon, Mohammed Gololo and Mark Gbillah went on a business trip ( the International Visitor Leadership Program) to Cleveland, USA, with their meandering ways and got called out for harassing their hotel housekeeper and looking for prostitutes.

Just look at their mugshot.

7) Lothario Buka Abbah Sex Scandal (2017):

Former Nigerian Senator Buka Abbah Ibrahim was caught with his pants down, literally and nobody found it palatable at all.

8) Senator Omo-Agege Kidnapping The Mace (2018):

Former Senator Ovie Omo-Agege, now Deputy Senate President, walked into a senate session with thugs to get away with the mace, disrupting activities in the senate on that fateful day. His actions left many aghast, and even more so when he became the Deputy President of the 9th Senate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OStFIHPD42w&has_verified=1

9) Fragile Fayose (2018):

Oh you really thought Dino Melaye was the only drama king in Nigerian politics? Nah, of course not. The former governor of Ekiti state, Peter Fayose, pulled a close second to that role while he was in office. Just take a look at the video below, where Fayose complained of his broken neck–while turning it–to see what I mean.

10) That time when Senator Abbo assaulted a woman in a sex shop (2019):

Let’s take a moment to forget the fact that Senator Elisha Abbo was spotted in a sex toy shop and totally focus on the fact that he was cocky enough to slap a woman there, thinking he would get away with it. And that’s something we will never forget.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH2Rj4j7Mq0

Honorable Mention– Dino The Musician (2016):

Dino again? Recall when I stated that he was a trendsetter? Let’s focus on his famous musical videos that got everyone talking for a longtime.

I wonder what Yahaya Bello would have to say now if he re-watches the diss video Dino Melaye made for him.

https://youtu.be/pA6DhStBFPY

If we missed out any messy scandal you think should’ve made this list, add it in the comments! 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

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We got an expert mixologist to help us bring one of our sponsored VRSUS videos to life by mixing varieties of chapman. Little did we know she was also a chef until we got in a conversation with her, while sipping our sublime drinks; no they were not spiked.

Apparently, Yetunde Anikulapo Kuti, professionally known as Chef Yeide, is not just a mixologist, she is also a chef and what we would call a versatile creative; how else can we describe the fact that she can sing, dance, mix great drinks and cook mouth-watering dishes?

What began as a passion for cooking creative and tasty dishes at age 12, under the guidance of her late grandmother led her to open her new restaurant-Kuti’s Bistro- which caters Intercontinental and West African cuisines in a contemporary and fine dining atmosphere

Chef Yeide studied Music at MUSON Center, Lagos in 2009, becoming a backup singer and dancer with Seun Kuti and Eypt 80 before she thought to pursue a culinary career, going back to her first love for cooking. This was why she went on to learn cake making and cookery at Yetkem Institute of Catering and Hotel Management in 2010. Her zest for more culinary knowledge had her making French and Senegal cuisines in a French restaurant when she moved to Paris in 2013.

Being widely traveled and bagging a degree in Culinary Arts, an Advanced Diploma in Food Preparation and Cookery, and a Higher International Diploma from Westminster Kingsway College Centre, England, United Kingdom prepared her for the role of an Executive Chef at Barrel Lounge and Restaurant, Ikeja, Lagos in 2018, where she worked for more than a year before establishing Kuti’s Bistro.

Our advice? You should try the chef’s special when you go to Kuti’s Bistro; signature dishes like the Seafood Ofada, the SK (a fish special), the multi-coloured sauce special, they taste superb. Kuti’s Bistro is at located at 9, Ogundana Street, Ikeja, Lagos.
Nigerians are yet to come to terms with the fact that cats can be pets but now have to deal with the fact that someone thinks a lion is tame enough to have as a security guard. Reports now confirm that a two-year-old lion was discovered in a residential building in the Victoria Island area of Lagos State.

The whole thing is so ridiculous, it makes me question the rationale of the Indian man who must have thought it too cliche to have a dog, so he decided to get a lion instead; training it to keep visitors out.

Which brings me to these questions:

How was the owner able to get the wild animal into his home without anyone knowing?

Where are our nosy neighbours when you need them?

Does anyone know how expensive it is to feed a Lion in Buhari’s Nigeria?

Because I’m really wondering.

The police force was quick to deploy officers to the residential area but remains slow to take action against the rampant insecurities in Nigeria?

Twisted priorities much?

Authorities took the Lion to the Lekki zoo yesterday; can they show us videos of how they did that?

I’m pretty sure it will give me lots of lol moments.

Do the authorities know that whatever zoo they plan to take this poor animal to in this country is dilapidated?

Who visits zoos these days?

But wait o, imagine if someone who’s scared of dogs goes visiting and sees a lion?

DEAD

Apparently, the Indian may be prosecuted if he can’t come up with a good reason why the lion is in his home. But, I don’t think that’s good enough.

Surely, if LASPARK can sanction someone for cutting down trees then the Lagos State Environmental Sanitation and Special Offences Unit SHOULD definitely prosecute someone who knowingly jeopardized people’s safety; no maybe about it. What if the lion had killed someone?
So you are the envy of all your friends because of how slim and compact you are; you can literally pass through anywhere, even closely packed vehicles. But what’s most annoying to you is how people think you have no right to complain about the woes of being thin–even though they don’t own your body and can’t comprehend what it is like to be you!

You will relate to these 12 things if you’re so tired of people telling you about how being skinny is the best thing after dodo and jollof;

1) When people say you don’t need to exercise:

Because they assume that being skinny is all you need to be healthy.

2) Clothes from 10 years ago still fit:

Having no need to buy new clothes, because the new clothes you bought three months ago still look brand new and you still have the outfit that’s in your cute 9 year old picture. Oh, and shopping for clothes is just the worst because nothing fits.

3) Not being able to add weight no matter what you eat:

You’re just cursed with a high metabolism and an ability to burn fat so quickly that nothing stays in, so even if you eat a truckload of burgers and a horse you can never add weight. But, your friends don’t understand how bad you want that extra inch because they are all saying that you are LUCKY.

4) Getting bullied in buses:

You’re there minding your business jeje and then one woman with a wide waist, huge load and 7 children comes to sit beside you in the bus and proceeds to yell at you to “shift”. To where madam? The air?

5) When people assume you don’t weigh much and can be carried easily because of that:

Ha! They forget that you have more bones than skin, ignore your warnings that you’re heavy and then proceed to fall on their heads when they try to carry you.

6)Always feeling cold–because skin and bones:

Sticks and stones can break you but the cold is deadlier than they are because it never leaves you–even in the hot afternoon.

7) The dead jokes:

People trying their hand at comedy with dry jokes that are so overrated; be careful o so breeze doesn’t carry you away; hope you’re not sick, this one you’re looking like this?; tini beku, and so and so forth.

8) Deader compliments…

When people think you’ve never heard them before and can’t stop saying it when they see you; lepa shandy, slim shady, modella, and any other uncreative things they can think of.

9) Endless weight gain advice:

Don’t make the mistake of telling someone you are trying to add some weight because the floodgates of unsolicited advice will open, they’d tell you things like; “Mix milk, egg and Maltina and drink up in one gulp”, “Eat fried food”, “Wake up at night to eat, eat junk food”, “Don’t worry you will get fat when you get married or have a baby.”

10) Always needing to use belts or hidden elastic bands in your clothes:

…because you get thinner and thinner and every clothing item you own is your enemy.

11) When you have to make excuses for being naturally skinny:

Oh no I’m not skinny, I’m just thin; I eat and eat but it goes nowhere.

12) Sitting on uncushioned chairs hurts:

Feeling like all the bones in your body has shattered because your butt doesn’t have enough flesh to protect you from harmful benches with sharp edges.
Martell’s Sunday night party was all shades of fun and MAD! We mean that; because how else can one describe the recent Martell at Dusk (M.A.D) which held at Freedom Way, Lekki Phase 1?

The premium cognac brand hosted several people to an evening of laid-back fun and razzmatazz. Here are some major highlights of the event:

Kelechi Amadi-Obi’s Photo Booth

Photographer extraordinaire, Kelechi Amadi-Obi, put out all the stops, as usual, capturing all the fashionable folks and entertaining scenes in the coolest environment – his photo booth.

Nonstop music:

Gbedu and drinks are a great combo, which is why we were really feeling DJ Smallz’ skills on the beat.

Celeb sightings:

From musicians to media personalities, OAP’s and influencers. We can say with our chest that we spotted Ycee, Koko by Khloe, Moet, Isilomo, Sophia Alakija, Becca and of course, the ever energetic and ace hypeman, Shodi–who hosted the event. Err, we might have taken a few selfies with them-because vanity.

Nonstop drinks:

Going to a Martell party and not drinking Martell? That can’t happen. We had more than enough and then some.

Squads:

Because why would you attend a cool outdoor event without your personal persons? Everyone came out with someone, or got someone at this event.

We surely can’t wait to attend another, if only for awesome pictures by a god of photography and of course, some fine Martell.

Even more photos:
This is Zikoko’s Game of Votes Weekly Dispatch. We share the most important things that happen in Nigeria every week. 5pm Thursdays. Stay woke.

Be Careful What You Say.

Did you say freedom of speech? SHH, the Nigerian government might have no idea what that means and might not want to hear what you have to say about it. How do I know? Well, the Senate has proposed a bill to kill anybody who speaks hatefully. Damn son, I’ve got bars. But seriously.

What time is it?

Time to check yourself before you say ANYTHING that will be frowned upon because it’s still not clear what hate speech means under the bill; don’t like the border closure? SHH. Curious about the salaries of your senators? SHH. Our government doesn’t like noise; it grinds their gears and they’ll be grinding yours if you are convicted of a hate speech crime.

Whose brilliant idea was this anyway?

Deputy Senate Whip, Sabi Abdullahi, representing Niger North Senatorial district. Apparently, he woke up to this bright idea one morning in 2018 when he was in the 8th assembly, and thought it would be awesome to introduce the bill to the floor because he was uncomfortable with how freely Nigerians in a democratic society spoke. Although it didn’t get the immediate results he wanted, the bill recently reared its ugly head again, had its first reading and many Nigerians are not liking this new development at all.

GUESS WHO GOT SACKED.

I’m someone, I’m the chairman of a local party but my members just suspended me. Who am I? Let me give you a clue. My wife’s name is Eve and I’m the first man. Alright, you can stop guessing, it was none other than Adams Oshiomole. News reaching us is that the Edo state chapter of the All Progressives Congress (APC) has suspended him.

Now Why Would They Do Something Like That?

Oshiomole was suspended for his alleged role in the crisis rocking the state chapter of the party. This comes as APC governors give him an ultimatum to resign — As chairman of the All Progressives Congress (APC), he has been asked to convene a National Executive Council (NEC) meeting to address the party’s challenges or resign from his position.

Trouble in Oshiomhole Paradise or Trouble in APC paradise?

Both. Members of the APC have allegedly been protesting against the following: Poor reward system in the party; Abandonment of founding fathers; Neglect of the entire party structure; Failure to convene a quarterly meeting of the National Executive Committee (NEC) – the decision making organ of the party amongst other things.

Particularly in Edo State, the battle between Obaseki and Oshiomole may have escalated to a fist fight. Ahead of the 2020 governorship election in the state, it is alleged that Oshiomole was shopping to replace Obaseki who is the current governor.

As if that was not enough, the Edo chapter of the APC also suspended this same Governor Obaseki for allegedly perfecting plans to defect to the opposition People’s Democratic Party (PDP) ahead of next year’s election.

Is This A Suspension Party?

Here’s the fun part. It just might be a party you and I were not invited to. The man who led the suspension of Oshiomhole — Anslem Ojezua — has also been suspended in a controversial manner.

DSS DOES NOT GIVE AF ABOUT COURT ORDERS.

Despite countless court rulings to let Sowore go, the DSS is pig-headed about doing that and are simply pissing on the bail conditions that Sowore has met. Their excuse? Nobody came to receive him on the D-day, not even his lawyers who fought so hard to. And what happened to the people who dared to protest against this injustice? They got shot at by the DSS.

Meanwhile, the Washington Post is weighing in on this issue of national embarrassment while the State Security Service continues to give reasons why Sowore is still in jail.

DID YOU MISS THIS?
1. This is for everyone who loves Keke Napeps and maybe lives in Abuja: well, they’ve been banned in your city.
2. The Nigerian children will be so glad that DJ Cuppy threw an exclusive party for her 27th birthday since they’ll soon get a share of the N5.1 billion that was raised on their behalf. Right? Right?
3. Nigerians came for Babatunde Raji Fashola when he dared to claim that the roads in Nigeria were not bad and citizens were just being delusional. We hear you, Mr Minister, we hear you.
NOT.THE.NEWS.

Did you know you need a ferry to get to Senegal from The Gambia? No? Neither did I until I read this. The Jollof Road team is presently in Senegal and they have all the info. Follow them on their trip around West Africa here.

Ministry is moving

The dispatch is growing. If you enjoyed reading this, share this with someone, you hear? Z!KOKO

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We tell you the most important things that happened in Nigeria, during the week, in a way that won’t bore you to death.
Splitting a bill with friends or colleagues is super cost-effective when you’re hanging out with them. It puts your mind at rest that everyone is going to have a good time without worrying about money and who will pay for what. But that’s only when everyone behaves themselves without trying to argue their way out of their share of lying that they forgot their wallet in la-la land.

Sometimes it’s not even deliberate, sometimes life happens and you have to pay the bills you intended to split. Here are a few scenarios you might run into problems when trying to split the bill:

1. When you share a cab with friends but the fare turns out higher than the estimate:

So y’all hailed a cab and calculated the estimated charge. But you are the last person to drop off, which is how you know that the final fare surpasses the money you and your friends gathered; now you’re stuck with paying for more than you planned.

2. When you order in and the delivery man comes before everybody else:

You’re having a mini get together. You and your friends decide to order in some food and split the cost, but the delivery guy comes earlier than you estimated and some people are still on their way to your house with cash. This means you might have to bear the cost all by yourself — until they get to your house at least.

3. When you go clubbing with colleagues and suddenly can’t find everyone when it’s time to pay:

You want to celebrate TGIF on a grand scale with friends so you choose to go out with colleagues after work. Sharing the bills with them saves you the mild heart attack you may have the next morning, so you’re not worried. But when it’s time to pay the bills, you can’t find a few of them in the crowd in the club. So you start panicking.

4. When you’re having drinks with friends but they don’t have enough cash to pay for their drinks:

Having a drink after work with friends is a great way to wind down from your workload. But when it’s time to pay, somebody’s card isn’t working and someone doesn’t have cash, so you, the only person that can transfer has to pay. Then you start thinking about how to collect your money from them without being this aggressive.

5. Eating at a restaurant and the bill is combined so you have to start dividing the cost manually:

Sometimes. it’s best when you share a meal in a restaurant instead of just ordering in all the time. But then, the waiter combines the bill and you have to start doing the math of figuring out how much Tolu is going to pay, how much food Tony ate, etc.

Sometimes, it can be really stressful trying to split the bill with friends. Especially when you’re doing it manually. However, that is no longer a problem. The new GoMoney app eliminates all that stress by making it easy to split bills and receive money from anybody, even at midnight on a Friday! So no more excuses from your friends and colleagues and no more overthinking how you’ll ask for your money back because GoMoney has your back!

To get early access to the app and win up to 75,000 Naira, join the GoMoney waitlist at gomoney.global and share your referral link with your friends. Referrals get you points that determine your place on the leaderboard; the more friends you refer, the more points you earn, which bumps you up higher on the leaderboard. If you’re part of the top 10, you stand a chance of winning 75,000 Naira.
It’s good to save; you know that, we know that, everyone knows that. But, sometimes your bank account and financial needs are in a constant feud and you’re always in the middle. You want to save, but you also want to spend and chill, because you really didn’t come to this world to suffer.

Here are seven things you’ll relate to if this is always happening to you:

1. Calculating every kobo in tears because you know an emergency will always come up and you’ll need to spend it.

The emergency comes in many forms; buying that bag you’ve been eyeing for weeks, repairing a bad charger, buying aso-ebi for a best friend’s wedding, buying that new phone that just came out because it’s more superior to the one you got a month ago, etc.

2. TGIF And The Ministry Of Enjoyment

Sometimes, you’re disciplined enough to hold yourself from doing too much. Other times, you’re home on a Friday night, on your own browsing through Instagram. That’s when you see your mates are doing TGIF and chopping the life of their head — essentially tensioning you. It’s in that moment you’ll remember the small savings you have stashed away in the kolo under your bed, and how the money will not spend itself. So, you finally say yes to going out with your friends for the weekend after they’ve been hounding you for the past two weeks.

3. You think of saving, but end up chanting “I can’t come and kill myself” as you eat the last meat in the pot

No lean diet for a rainy tomorrow. You want instant gratification NOW and you’ve got to put your money where your mouth is.

4. Buying food instead of cooking, despite the promises you made to yourself

You told yourself you’d only eat the food you cook, why waste money buying lunch when there are groceries at home? When you’re an excellent chef and can whip a better Jollof rice than any buka or restaurant. That was a week ago. Now, you’re looking at the remaining chicken bone in the plate of food you ordered while crying on the inside. Well, at least, you won’t have to wash the disposable plates; at least, you saved up on soap

5. When you read all the articles about saving but still can’t get yourself to do so

It’s just so much work: you work hard to make money, why not spend it anyhow you want?

6. All THOSE Bills.

Because, this is Nigeria, look how we living now. The prices of things go up astronomically, inexplicably and without adequate warning. NEPA will bring their own, LAWMA will bring their own, your service provider will bring their own and so on, so why are you bothering to save sef?

7. Can’t stick to a budget, can’t stick to a savings goal, can’t stick to anything…

It was your New Year’s resolution to save more. But you’ve long forgotten that now. You really tried to be good and improve your saving culture but everything keeps working against you.

Still having issues trying to save but want to achieve your resolution before 2019 ends? Tired of all your excuses, and all your unrealistic budget/savings goals? We’ve got a plug for you.

Join the Backup Cash 21 days savings challenge. By saving as little as N500 daily for 21 days on the online savings platform via WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger or the app, you can gain up to 13 percent interest rate on your savings.

Oh, and if you’re the kind to start and not finish–because you can’t help yourself–you can open a Steady Save account that automatically saves for you on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.”

Yeah, we know, you get rewarded for saving–AWESOME.
The Lost Okoroshi, a 94-minutes film, snagged its audience from the first scene, which was reminiscent of childhood nightmares. The lead character, Raymond Obinwa (played by Seun Ajayi) ran from a masquerade, also referred to as ojuju, in his dream; his wife, Nneka Obinwa (Judith Audu) would have none of it, advising him to seek help from her pastor, in order to rid himself of the recurring dream.

Obinwa is a security guard with a jaundiced view of the urban city life in Lagos — what he and his colleague Musa (Jamal Ibrahim) term as “city madness”. He is a dissatisfied man who is lackadaisical about his job and his living condition in a cube-sized apartment.

He mostly finds solace in the discussions he has with his best friend and elderly neighbour, Chief Okonkwo (Chinwetalu Agu), who supports Obinwa’s beliefs and his yearnings to leave his city life to pursue a quiet farm-life in the village.

Okonkwo is a vital character in the mysterious journey that Obinwa would eventually embark on, unknown to both of them. Being a great supporter of tradition and ancestral heritage, he instructs Obinwa to confront the masquerade he runs away from every night, informing him that there must be something the spirit wants to tell him.

Twinged with an infusion of satire and humour, The Lost Okoroshi takes a swift turn from the comical to tragicomedy when Obinwa gears up the courage to confront the masquerade in his dream. In the first instance, the audience is swayed to believe that this might bode well for him, until he wakes up as a masquerade himself. Nneka’s attempts to get rid of Obinwa’s shocking regalia proves futile and for a moment we are able to glimpse the harmony between husband and wife, birthed in despair.

So begins Raymond’s spiritual journey into unfamiliar waters, as the spirit he embodied constantly teleports him from place to place, this is how he is able to be of help to a prostitute (Ifu Ennada), reprimand a thief and dance in different open markets (where he meets a comical character, Willy Willy).

However, halfway through the film, the pace of the film slowed down — this was mostly during Okoroshi’s teleportation and his dancing scenes. There were a few disjointed scenes here and there and some confusing aspects of the movie — like, why didn’t the TV in Obinwa’s bedroom ever go off? After a while the audience can see it’s deliberate, but why? It didn’t add to the narrative, neither did it serve as a piece to a significant puzzle that would have given us a eureka moment at the end.

Despite these, the film left the audience in awe especially with its deep dive into tradition. A classic example of this was when Okonkwo explained the importance of masquerades and when the fictional Igbo People’s Secret Society of Heritage Restoration and Reclamation (IPSSHRR) reclaimed Okoroshi and tried to integrate him back into society.

The afrobeats vibe of the soundtrack in combination with the mist of colour in the air from the masquerades, the moon and the costume of the ancestral spirits gave the film a surreal and eerie feeling.

The Lost Okoroshi is not perfect but it is a film that will consistently leave its audience asking themselves questions about tradition.

The movie is an Osiris Film and Entertainment production and it is co-written by Abba Makama (producer and director) and Africa Ukoh, with Rimimi Makama as the executive producer.
Being shady requires a certain level of emotional skill that not many possess. It often falls between the line of being bitchy and downright factual; having the guts to state the obvious, things that everyone is busy tiptoeing around.

There are different levels to throwing shade; is yours based on dry sarcasm or an obvious eye roll? Take this quiz to find out:
Black Friday deals are the best; you get to buy goods, gadgets and household items at the lowest prices. Although there have been many controversies about the origin of the term, Black Friday, many people are willing to overlook it in their quest to acquire quality items at the cheapest rate. Who doesn’t like awoof?

In Nigeria however, Black Friday deals are never straightforward because the discounted and flash sales by eCommerce companies in Nigeria are designed to frustrate everyone’s efforts.

Here are some of the antics that online retail stores make to avoid selling customers items at ridiculously low prices, totally negating their advertisements and promises to that end:

Hiked fees weeks before:

So you think you’re really smart by waiting until November before buying anything from that eCommerce store?

Well, you have another think coming because they are always one step ahead, which is why they increase the prices of all their items weeks before Black Friday, then plummet it back to the normal price for “discounted sales” and you’re there chopping that ela like no man’s business.

Treasure hunts that lead nowhere:

When you are told that the only way to get that IPhone X you’ve been lusting after is to canvass through lots of irrelevant items that you don’t want. So begins the merry go round of actually finding NOTHING or clicking on an item that gives a different result:

Who else clicked the iPhone 11’s picture at the bottom of the page that had 1k on it, but ended up seeing Molfix Diapers?😩#JumiaBlackFridays pic.twitter.com/xy2RmcNFPB
— Igho Precious 🌚 (@_McOatt) November 8, 2019

Websites that take forever to load:

Remember when I said everything is designed to frustrate your efforts? You should have taken that literally because the websites and mobile apps of these eCommerce companies only get temperamental when its Black Friday.

So you’re there trying to login but it’s taking forever and you think it’s your bad network that’s causing it? Nah. You’re gonna miss the 6pm flash sale deadline because the company wants you to.

Tik-tok clock that runs faster than Usian Bolt:

Don’t forget the fact that you are trying to beat the 30 minutes clock of the flash sales while trying to actually get that preferred fridge–all to no avail, because everything is designed to work against you. Losing sleep is simply not worth it.

Sold out items within nanoseconds:

Yes, we know everyone is scrambling to buy every discounted item and the fastest finger wins but, isn’t it weird that some items are tagged as “sold out” and “out of stock” a minute after they were put on display? I smell a rat and its rotten.

Price slash for irrelevant products:

The most ridiculous thing is when you log on to an online store and see that all the items with a price slash are things you are not interested in buying because their original price isn’t that expensive sef and you can buy them at anytime–Black Friday or not.

When you can’t checkout your cart:

Yay! You scaled through and were able to prove everyone that ever said “Black Friday in Nigeria is a scam” wrong. Awesome. Err, have you been able to check out your cart? Ha, maybe you should refresh the website. What? The website has crashed? SORRY O.
Having something to it eat between meals can be great especially when they are sweet edibles that can sustain you for a while.

Plaintain chips, popcorn, sausage roll and more are some of the most popular food to snack on, but there are some unique local Nigerian snacks that are just as great–even better than them. So, I decided to rank these local snacks, from my least favourite to my favourite.

9) Kulikuli:

It is made from a mix of peanuts, spices, salt and ground pepper. Kulikuli is one of the most popular Nothern Nigerian snack and it is mostly eaten alone or with garri; it also used as an ingredient for suya and kilishi.

However, considering the fact that many local food merchants who make it are known to roll the paste between their unwashed bare hands in the process of making it, I get highly skeptical of the hygienic conditions of where it is made and would rather go without.

8) Cocoyam chips:

This is a poor substitute to plaintain, coconut and sweet potato chips because it is tasteless. It looks really good and smells nice too but it is simply tasteless; although, you can train your tatsebuds to love it eventually.

7) Coconut candy:

This snack is made with shreds of coconut and sugar, fried in oil. This sweet delicacy can be eaten alone, drank with garri, or dipped in honey–if you have a sweet tooth.

Unless you make it yourself, I’d advice you not to buy it anywhere else, except you buy it fresh off the fire, because most street coconut candies are congealed and disgusting; usually because the vendors refry old stock, trying to pawn it off on unassuming costumers.

6) Dankwa:

Also called tanfiri, this local snack is made from corn and groundnut paste. It usually has a slight spicy taste and a melt-in-your-mouth feel. But, one has to carefully select the vendor that sells this snack so you don’t end up buying a stale one that tastes like dust; that is something nobody should experience, trust me.

5) Roasted yam:

Roasted yam is great with a side dish of sauce, ponmo, fish, meat, chicken and other thing you want to throw in there. Roasted yam is bae.

4) Abacha (African Salad):

This is just a sublime meal. Yes, I know it’s more of a meal than a snack but it had to make this list because of its unique taste. Abacha can take some getting used to on the tastebuds but one gets hooked once it does, indulging more often than not. This Eastern Nigerian delicacy is made with shredded cassava, vegetables, onions, dried fish, ponmo and more.

3) Corn:

Roasted or boiled corn are a staple snack in Nigeria, when corn is in season. One can eat it with coconut to bring out the flavour. Although, eating too much corn can leave you feeling parched and in need of water.

2) Tiger nuts:

Both the fresh and dry ones are sweet edibles that have a chewy texture and creamy taste. Although the fresh Tiger nuts are seasonal, you can get the dry ones at almost anytime and the health benefits are really great.

Roasted plantain is one of the best things to snack on when you are on the move and just need something to fill you up before your next meal. It is a great substitute to gala and buns; it costs the same but is way healthier–it’s fresh and straight off the coal. One can eat it alone or with groundnut, palm oil, sauce and more.

Which of these is your favourite snack?
Maintaining a social life can feel impossible when you live in a city as stressful as Lagos. Finding a balance between work and fun is basically an extreme sport, especially if you are on a tight budget.

The struggle is real.

To help you navigate this, we thought long and hard to create this list of 6 suggestions. If you no longer want to be a hermit in Lagos, only leaving your house to go to work, then this post is for you.

1) Crash with a friend who lives close to your office:

There’s a feeling of peace that comes with living close to your office — even if you have to squat with a friend. This way, you don’t spend most of your life in traffic, giving you more than enough time to catch up with friends.

2) Attend free events:

There are numerous ticket-free events in Lagos that give you a chance to mingle in a nice atmosphere. Some of these events include; Eyo festival, Fanti festival, Lagos Trade Fair, Adire festival, GTBank Food and Drinks and more.

3) Splurge on Sundays:

The best time to have a traffic-free and budget-friendly outing in Lagos is on a Sunday. Most people stay indoors and everything is slow-paced and serene, which gives you a chance to fully enjoy hanging with your squad.

4) Go to parks with friends:

Freedom Park and Jakande J Tinubu Park are some of the places to have fun with friends and family. To have a great time, just grab a book, some board games, cheap snacks, mats, sunscreen and some cash.

5) Avoid public holiday outings:

They are simply the worst. The malls, cinemas, parks, beaches and everything in between are often packed with people — mostly wailing children — and everything is so much more expensive.

6) Be deliberate about parties you attend:

It’s not every owambe you should attend, considering how expensive they can be. Having to buy an asoebi, sew new clothes, get gifts and all that jazz should guide you towards choosing the most budget-friendly parties.
Money is important in all spheres of life, even more so as a student in a Nigerian university, where everything is designed to suck your finances away; from small proportions of food to buying handouts or having a dating life. Having extra cash as a student can be a lifesaver, especially when it comes in consistently, alongside your allowances.

Here are 10 ways to make money legitimately as a student in Nigeria:

1) Become a makeup artist:

Some people need training while other are naturals when it comes to makeup artistry. Figure out which one you are and get started. Word of mouth is the best way to get customers as a makeup artist, and a great face beat, of course. You can partner up with photographers; making up for their shoots.

2) Sell clothes:

Shirts, jeans, skirts, bedsheets, any clothing item really. This is a great way to get quick cash. Go to a market, buy clothes in bulk, sell them off for really low prices but ensure you get your money immediately because you really don’t want to be going around school looking for your debtors.

3) Freelance writing:

This should work if you love writing and can balance meeting deadlines with school work. Try not to take on too many writing projects so you don’t get overwhelmed; losing a grip on school and work at the same time. Sign up to platforms like Upwork, Fiverr; offer to ghostwrite for someone for a fee or just become a contributor for blogs. There are many Nigerian companies willing to hire a student writer, if you pitch yourself well.

4) Take up photography:

We all love to freeze some memories in time and what’s the best way to make money than being the go-to person for such services? Get a camera, start small–it doesn’t have to be a DSLR– and offer your skill for seeing the details that everyone misses. Matriculation and convocation periods are the best times to make money. Oh, and birthdays too, some people LOVE to celebrate every birthday with a studio session, even if there’s no cake; take advantage of that.

5) Do tutorials:

So you’re an efiwe (bookworm) who remembers the methods of numberline from JSS classes and advanced chemistry courses? Well, there’s an opportunity there; become a teacher at a Jamb/Waec tutorial centre or spread the information by word-of-mouth that you are available to guide another student in your university through a difficult course. You’ll be learning and earning as you teach others–best of both worlds

6) Sew clothes (fashion design):

Got mad tailoring skills? You should utilize your hobby and make cool cash out of it. Again, word-of-mouth advertisement and evidence of your great skill is your best bet for getting clients that are willing to pay.

7) Help other students with projects:

We all know those students that would rather cut off their arm than lift a finger to do their projects. Offer to help them out for a fee and they’ll run towards you in gratitude and more jobs than you can handle.

8) Graphic design/Website development:

This will require technical skills that you might have to pay someone to get or take the cheaper and better route of learning –YouTube. Because, odds are, that person teaching you is also checking YouTube for some tutorials. Offer to design or build someone’s website once you’ve garnered enough knowledge about the whole thing. Charge a small fee and go from there.

9) Online registrations:

Admission period is one of the best times for this. You can help new students navigate the student portal; apply for admission, apply for hostel, check their results and more, for a fee.

10) Ushering:

Ushering at seminars, workshops, concerts, parties and more for a few hours (or days) gives you access to money, food and a social life without encroaching on your school life and schedule. The flexible hours of ushering makes it easy to balance your work life with school activities

What’s your best thing to do in university to make money? Drop your comment if it didn’t make this list, we’d like to know what it is.
Toothache is something that some people don’t have to deal with but the ones that experience it can swear on their life that it is worse than the pain of childbirth.

If you’ve had toothaches before, you know it’s something you can never wish on your enemy because of the maddening and unbearable pain. Toothaches make you feel deranged, making you go to any lengths to get rid of them and becoming extremely satisfied when you finally do.

The fear of having another toothache will steer you off sweets and anything that might bring it back; but, not for long, until you feel that warning twinge again.

Here are 11 things you’ll relate to if you’re really scared of having another toothache:

1) That moment when you’ve totally forgotten what it’s like to have toothaches and the warning twinge comes

Ha! This is a real problem o

2) Then you start calculating your dental care schedule

“When last did I brush my teeth?”

3) Until you realize that you’ve been maintaining a good dental health

So what could have caused this small pain liadis?

4) So begins the questions in your head to figure out what could have caused the tiny pain

“Is it that groundnut I ate? Or the rice? Or maybe the water I drank–I knew that water was not to be trusted.”

5) You try to forget the warning pain

It was just a figment of your imagination, so there’s no need to worry.

6) Until you are awakened at night–toothache has arrived

Chisos, this is not good. This is not good at all.

7) Your heart begins to palpitate, while you lie awake all night

…praying to God and your forefathers to get rid of the small pain because you don’t want to remove your front tooth!

8) Then the pain disappears

So you are happy for the next three days because you were right! Alas, that is not the case…

9) But, now the twinge becomes a full fledged toothache!

You should have paid attention to the throb, you should have, now you have to deal with this deadly pain.

10) So you bring out your long forgotten home remedies and medications

You bring out all the chewing sticks and stuff your grandmother gave you–you have no choice, at least it worked for her. Add painkillers, toothpaste for sensitivity teeth and a bunch of prayers, incantations and gibberish

11) It works! The throbbing pain is gone

Now you’re respecting yourself and watching what you eat. You are even brushing your teeth 4 times a day and using mouthwash on a hourly basis. Go YOU.
If you think that the arts are a dying art in Nigeria, then you probably need to jump from whatever century you’re in and come to 2019. There’s so much going on in the art space these days and it’s incredible.

The MTN Foundation is making such headway in the arts and culture industry by supporting and promoting of Nigerian arts and what makes them unique. One of the ways it’s doing this is by sponsoring plays that retell Nigerian stories; sometimes taking us back to history class or basically telling us things we never knew. Which is why we’re stanning 5 plays that had us saying “Wow!” while schooling us on one or two things at the same time.

1) Fela and the Kalakuta Queens

This musical has all the right shades of Nigerian glamour, giving us a side to much loved afrobeats legend, Fela Anikulapo-Kuti; a side we’ve never seen before.

Fela and the Kalakuta Queens depicts the loyalty and reverence that existed between Fela and his dancers. It also debunked many misconceptions people have about the late Fela. Do you know how fascinating that play was? The lead character who played Fela did such a good job, that people started asking if Fela had somehow come back. We stan.

2) Legends the Musical

You might have seen Thor and are a serious Marvel superhero fan but, did you know we have our own super cool superheroes who will beat the Thors of this world hands down? Legends the Musical is a play about African gods and legends: Sango, Shaka, Yaa Asantewa, Queen Amina and Queen Nefertiti–who work together to rid the earth of the fictional evil character, The Shadow.

The Shadow had his comeuppance when earthly beings shook in their boots and had to call on The Legends to help them out from the drudgery of the Nigerian society, so they got The Legends on speed dial and were saved by the selfless love of these superheroes, despite the challenges the African heroes were faced with.

3) Agbarho

This play has the right shades of feminism with the lead character, Efetobore, going head-to-head with her father over her choice of a husband.

Agbarho highlights the struggles women face including issues of widowhood and false accusations of killings one’s husband. It also addresses issues such as, being sexually objectified and harassed in the quest for a job. Efetobore experiences these and more. However, despite this, she continues on her quest, ignoring every discrimination and going ahead to apply for an all-male music contest. YOU GO GIRL.

Oh, and we are stanning the cultural diversity in this musical! Efetobore is born of an Urhobo father and a Hausa mother and she chooses a Yoruba man as her spouse; and instead of going to the abroad in search of greener pastures, she decides to move to Abuja from Delta.

4) Oba Esugbayi

This was a classic throwback to history and how it should be told. This play focuses on the Late Oba Esugbayi, also known as Eleko of Eko, who reigned supreme as the Oba of Lagos from 1901 to 1925, and from 1931 to 1932.

The play highlights the role of Oba Esugbayi who protected his people from the tyranny of colonial rule; collaborating with market women to fight colonialist who was turning Lagosians into slaves, blatantly opposing government oppression which eventually led to his exile from Lagos. He resumed his kingship years later to the joy of his people who he represented greatly.

Oba Esugbayi is a noteworthy play that gives necessary accolade to one of the greats and incorruptible leaders Nigeria ever had. Also worthy of note is the fact that the producers of this play also produced another much acclaimed historical play, Emotan

5) Jungle Story 2

Are you tired of Nigerian politicians who lie through their teeth, creating manifestos and mandates they do not intend to achieve? We are and so is Sound Sultan.

In Jungle Story 2, Nigerian musician, Sound Sultan explored the nuances of corruption and its effects on society. Jungle Story 2 is a satirical depiction of what happens in a society that has been cursed to turn every corrupt individual into animals. This exposes everyone for who they really are within — showcasing the lions (liars), cheetahs (cheats), chicken (follow follow), parrot (“eke is my hobby” people) and more.

By supporting these great Nigerian theatre productions that show the essence of the Nigerian culture, the issues, the solutions, MTN Foundation is really giving voice to the long-forgotten history and realism of Nigerian art. Something that should indeed be greatly lauded, which is why we’re LOUDING it.

Another event that is worthy of a mention on this list is the recently concluded, Lagos Poetry Festival which held from October 30th to November 4th at Freedom Park, Lagos. The Lagos Poetry Festival, also known as LIPFest, featured spoken word presentations, literary workshops, parties and more with guests such as; Wana Udobang, Brymo, Logan February, Kaveh Akbar, Itiola Jones, among others.

It’s okay if you missed out on these shows even though you missed out on a whole lot. However, there’s a way out. MTN Foundation is sponsoring another art and culturally immersive programme; OMG the Musical. If you loved reading about Legends the Musical, you will definitely want to see this because it is created by producers of Legends the Musical and it will focus on the great deeds of Nigerian heroines; Olufunmilayo Ransome Kuti, Margaret Ekpo and Hajia Gambo Sawaba.

OMG the Musical is scheduled to hold at MUSON Center, on December 27-39 and 31st and January 1, 2020.
Nigerian mothers are known for their dramatics and all out uniqueness that border on the sides of the ridiculous; from calling us downstairs to help them fetch the TV remote right beside them to their crazy assumptions and belief about our social media life and more.

Take this quiz to find out how Nigerian your mother is:

1) Peace:

2) Consumption of local produce:

3) No natural disaster:

4) Our artistes getting more international recognition:

5) Philanthropy within despair:

6) NEPA finally realizing how low we rate them:

7) Six years tenure was rebuffed by the House of Reps:

8) Cardi B in Lagos:

9) Jollof Rice:

1) Having to hold onto your bag with a death grip or wearing your backpack on the front.

2) Not picking up any calls or responding to any text because you don’t want anyone to steal your phone while you’re distracted.

3) Walking under the sun for countless hours looking for that one item that is scarce now even though you saw it everywhere two days ago.

4) Avoiding sellers with harsh facial expression and bad mouth.

5) Getting pulled left, right and center by people wanting to sell their wares to you by fire by force.

6) Staying sharp and trying to avoid buying bad products.

7) Dealing with the reality of zero guarantees and no cashback.

8) Having to wear your worst outfit to the market because you know it can’t get ruined any further than it already has.

9) Get ready to be shoved by the neighbours of people you buy from.

10) Sellers always have an excuse for a price hike.

11) Leaving your glamour at home.

12) Don’t even bother to take your car to the market because the car park is so far off.

1) The pain of combing:

2) People think you’re broke because you decided to have natural hair:

3) People advise you to stop looking like a madwoman:

4) Annoying people who touch your hair without an invitation:

5) Your hair shrinks like mad:

6) Your hair always looks dry no matter the amount of moisture you apply:

7) You’ve been tempted to start relaxing your hair again.

8) You’re very picky about the kind of hair salons you go to.

9) Trying to figure out your hair type.

10) Thinking of the best protective hairstyle that suits your face is stressful.

I’m dead:

O jewa ke eng:

Unpopular opinion:

Scopa tu mana:

Stan:

Mad o:

Okoto meow meow:

God when?

1) You’re often mistaken for them.

2) You know the phrase “spitting image” by heart.

3) Your friends never believe how much you look like your parents until they see them.

4) Then they never get tired of joking about how identical you are.

5) You’ve gotten used to hearing, “haba, your mama/papa they run go?”

6) Your parent’s old photos can pass for your most recent.

7) People love to tell you how you’ll age.

8) Getting peppered with questions about how your siblings look.

Decorations and food are on you:

You’re gonna have to rethink attending those parties because they are a money drain:

The emperor’s new clothes are on you:

Now you are the one buying presents:

You’re gonna have to rethink your travel plans:

You’ve got your boss and coworkers to think about:

Trying to be on the good graces of your employees:

Command performance at family reunions that have you screaming on the inside:

People believing that everything you own are hand-me-downs:

Being compared to older siblings if you attend the same school:

Everyone calling you ‘smallie’:

When people tell you that you have no problems because your older siblings solve them before they occur:

Being told that your opinion doesn’t count or you don’t know what you’re saying because you’re the last born:

Being told that you are mummy’s pet and daddy’s padi:

“Let your mummy give birth to another baby now, are you not tired of being a last born?”

The endless memes that declare you as an amebo that can be bribed to disclose any secret:

Everybody regards whatever you do as “last born syndrome.”

1) Know what you want:

2) Buy tickets on time:

3) Go out with friends:

4) Organise house parties:

5) Revamp your clothes:

6) Go to street carnivals/festivals:

7) Have a cash reserve:

1) Plastic hand fans:

2) Notepads:

3) T-shirts:

4) Airtime:

5) Face towels:

6) Football:

7) Pressing irons:

Malls:

Open Markets: