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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 39-year-old heterosexual woman who left her husband after 10 months. She talks about how the end of her marriage and her return to Nigeria accelerated the course of her sex life.
I think I was 16 or 17. I went out with a few friends in Central London, and we bumped into a couple of guys. One of them liked my friend, so I started talking to his friend. A few days later, we all ended up at my friend’s place.
She had a bunk bed, so she was on the top bunk with her guy and I was on the bottom bunk with mine. We made out for a bit and then he went down on me. It was nice.
A few months later, we started dating, and I had sex for the first time with him. The sex was fine — it wasn’t fantastic, but it also wasn’t bad. I had heard a lot of bad “first time” stories, but that wasn’t the case for me.
Then shortly after we started dating, he brought up the idea of us having a threesome with his best friend — the guy my friend hooked up with. I agreed, and when we did it, I realised his friend was a better lover.
Yeah. Once my relationship ended — it lasted about three or four months — I started having sex with him. It wasn’t that serious. It was just a friend with benefits situation that lasted for about a year.
He was cool about it. There was even a time I went back to sleep with him, and when I didn’t enjoy the sex as much as I had before, he joked that his friend’s bigger dick had made me stop appreciating his.
I got into a few more relationships. They were either very short or mostly about sex. Then when I was 23, I met the guy I ended up marrying. We didn’t have much in common, but sex with him was incredible.
We broke up for about a year, I dated other guys, and then we got back together. I used to do the whole body count thing before I realised it was stupid and stopped, but before we got married, I had definitely slept with a lot of guys.
I was 26.
It was lit. The only thing we had going for us throughout that relationship was great sex. By the time we actually got married, the relationship was already disintegrating. I found out that he was a compulsive cheater and liar.
We lived together as a married couple for about 10 months, but even when things were really bad between us, we still had sex. For me, it was like, if I needed to get my orgasm, I would.
At the time I met him, that was just what you did. I had finished university and was working, so it felt like the logical next step. I also got pregnant a few months after we got back together.
We started living together, but we broke up again months after we had our daughter because it became clear to me that he wasn’t serious. He came back to beg, and I forgave him. Then we got married pretty quickly after that due to family pressure.
I found out he was cheating on me with his ex, with whom he already has a child, so that derailed the marriage. After I left, I learnt he had gotten another woman pregnant while I was pregnant — my daughter has a stepbrother that’s four days younger.
Then to top it all off, he got his ex pregnant again in the 10 months we were married.
LMAO. That’s when the fun really started. I knew my marriage was officially over when I visited Lagos and ended up hooking up with one of my brother’s friends. That unlocked something in me because when I returned to England, I was wilding out.
I got back to sleeping with any guy I wanted to. Then I moved back to Lagos about a year and a half after the marriage ended, and it was insane. People always told me about Nigerians being shy about sex, but that was not my experience at all.
Before I came to Lagos, I never used to understand how a woman could get pregnant and not know who the father was. Then in one day, I had sex with a guy, got head from another and almost slept with a third. The last two happened at a sex party.
For about five months, yes. I met him during my NYSC year. He had a girlfriend in a different state, but we really connected — he was basically my soulmate, but he still had his girlfriend.
Once, I decided to end things, and we ended up having goodbye sex for seven hours. But then things continued till I left Lagos.
About two years. After my marriage, it’s not like I hated men, but I didn’t trust them. They were just a means to get my orgasms. Living in Lagos was also cathartic because no one knew me, so I didn’t have to answer questions about my marriage.
It was also very easy to meet men. When I was in London, I only ever dated Black men, so being in Lagos and seeing only Black men made me feel like a kid on Christmas Day. Plus, unlike British men, Nigerian men were not shy about chatting me up.
Even married men were always trying to get with me.
Initially, I was very black and white — I didn’t sleep with or date married men. Then on my 30th birthday, I made out with a married man. The attraction was palpable, and we would have had sex if either of us had protection that night.
Then a few years later, I met one of my brother’s friends who I had made out with when I was 18. He was now married, but he didn’t seem happy in it. To be honest, I didn’t actually care whether he was happy or not. I slept with him because of our past connection.
I think once I crossed that line on my 30th birthday, the lines got blurry. Now, I no longer believe in monogamy. If you’re married, that’s on you, it has nothing to do with me. The only thing I hate is when men lie about their marital status.
I’ve mostly stopped giving a fuck. I’ve always attracted men, but in my 20s, I went out of my way not to draw too much attention to myself. I have a big ass, so I always tried to avoid dressing too provocatively.
Now, I’m just like, “This is the body God gave me. Deal with it.”
After I came back from my sex spree in Nigeria, I decided to take a break and actually deal with the end of my marriage. So, I was celibate for about 18 months. By the end of it, I was gagging for sex.
It’s been a rollercoaster since then. For about four years, I went through a dip where I couldn’t find guys that could satisfy me sexually, but now, I’m with a guy who is my sexual match and then some. We’ve been together for a year.
Yes, but I think that’s mostly because of the pandemic. Sex with him is great, but I’m missing the emotional aspect of a relationship, so I’ve been curious about seeing other people once the world opens back up.
Yeah. I want to try polyamory. I know it will be hard to find willing men, but I want to. I also want to try more threesomes and finally have sex with a woman. I’ve found myself admiring women’s bodies a lot more, so I’m curious.
I’ll give it a 9. I’d have given it a 10, but every now and then, the lover shows his ass and reminds me that he is a man. That being said, I’m having the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.
Few things are messier than catching feelings for your best friend. While it’s possible they feel the same way about you, it’s highly unlikely, and you end up with a broken heart and a friendship that never quite feels the same.
So, as someone who likes messiness, I asked a few Nigerians to share stories about falling in love with their best friends, and the experiences ranged from surprisingly adorable to painfully tragic.
My best friend and I have known each other for over 15 years. People have always teased us about dating, but I just couldn’t see it. Then one day, I looked at him and realised I was attracted to him. The next thing I knew, I fell fast and hard. I actually thought I was losing my mind.
He had been in a relationship for years, so I didn’t want to say anything, but after like six months, I blurted it out. He seemed shocked and confused. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but he obviously mentioned his girlfriend. I told him he had to reject me outright, so the shame would snap me out of it.
I didn’t speak to him for months in an attempt to get over him, which was really hard because our lives are very interwoven. We randomly started speaking again, and there was no awkwardness. It’s been over two years since the big reveal, and while it comes up in passing from time to time, that’s about it. We’re good and back to normal.
We’ve been friends for over 10 years, and we do almost everything together. Even friends and family keep asking why we’re not dating. So, I finally decided to shoot my shot. I guess he didn’t want me to feel rejected, so he said he has issues with commitment, but I shouldn’t reject him if he ever comes back in the future for a relationship.
I cried for days because I realised how much I love him, but I had to accept my reality. It’s been hard remaining friends with him, but I have to constantly remind myself that he doesn’t feel the same, and it’s fine. I had to mute him on all my social media accounts because I can’t stand his interactions with women I know he’s sleeping with. Still, I show up whenever he needs me.
We’ve been best friends for 5 years. He is the first person I told I was gay, and although he is straight, he was kind and supportive. I guess that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him. A part of me knew he was just being nice whenever he complimented me, hugged me tightly or joked about how any guy would be lucky to have me, but I let myself believe he might feel the same way.
I eventually told him how I felt, and even though he let me down as nicely as he could have, it still broke my heart into a million pieces. He has been trying his best to make the friendship go back to normal, but it’s just too hard for me. It hurts so much. I hope I can move past this because I miss my best friend.
We were friends in secondary school, l but I left in JSS 2. We met up again at university and became very close, very fast. The tension was there, but he was a “big boy” in school, and I hated attention, so I just stayed in my lane.
Fast forward to our second year, and I knew I had feelings for him, but I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way — he is a hard man to read. I eventually found the courage to tell him, and he was very mean about it. He said I had zoned him, so he didn’t understand what I was talking about.
I took my L and was very sad for a bit. We didn’t talk much after that. A few weeks later, he came to apologise for how he handled it. He said used to like me but had to stop when I started calling him my best friend.
We agreed that it wasn’t meant to be and decided to remain friends. It was very awkward at first because he started dating someone I knew, and I felt a little jealous, but it slowly became less awkward when I started dating someone too. We’re still friends, but it never went back to the way it was.
We were seeking admission together, so we were in constant communication. That made the feelings I had held back in secondary school start bubbling back up. Even though we were now really close friends, I decided I was going to tell her how I felt.
So, we went on a walk one day, and I asked her, “Would you date your best or very close friend?” She first laughed out loud for like five minutes straight, then she said, “Why not?” In my mind, I was hailing myself for being a sharp guy.
A few days later, I went to her house and told her how I felt. She laughed and said she’d liked me since secondary school, but I always preferred her friends. She said it was too late for us to date because we are now too close. It hurt for a while, but we are now closer friends than ever.
We were both in relationships at the time, but there had always been tension underneath our friendship. One day, we went for a party at a friend’s place, and while we were talking, he asked me, “Is this it? Is your boyfriend your last bus stop?” and I was like, “Yeah, he is. Unless you wanted to do something about it.”
Then I just word vomited how much I loved him and how this was the last time I was willing to lay it bare. He was like, “I love you a lot but not in the way you need me to”. I thought I was going to die. We ended up having sex in my friend’s bathroom and sort of moved past it. It was like breakup sex for a relationship that never was.
I’m really happy he turned me down because It would have ruined a really good friendship. It’s been three years, and while we still love each other a lot, we’re not in love with each other.
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Are you the perfect partner or is dating you a literal nightmare? Today, we are here to expose just how toxic you really are — on a scale of 0 to a terrifying 100%. Also, like with the ‘How Wicked Are You?’ quiz, you can’t argue with your result.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Charles*, 31, and Rukky*, 30, have been together for a little over a decade. For today’s Love Life, they talk about opening their marriage, dating other people as a unit and why communication is the most important thing.
Rukky: This was around 2009. We were in the same faculty and had mutual friends, so we always ran into each other. The day I noticed that I liked him, however, was when I tagged along with a friend to his place.
We talked for a bit about a bunch of different topics, and I just found him interesting.
Charles: One of my friends invited me to a birthday party, and Rukky came with another of our friends. We started talking then, but apparently, she don dey eye me since. This is the story I’m sticking to.
Charles: LMAO. Yes. She had come to my house a day or two before the birthday party, but I didn’t really notice her. You know this thing where you see your guy with a chick, but you don’t really see her? Like, she’s just another bro? Yeah.
Rukky: When he gave me penis. LOL.
Charles: LMAO. One day, I saw her outside, and she looked so hot. Her legs just kept going and going and going — they seemed to go on forever. I spent about 30 seconds gawking at her, and that’s when I stopped seeing her as a bro.
I knew I wanted to be all up in her guts.
Charles: I had to make sure we were on the same page. Thankfully, she was feeling the boy already. The next thing I did was to talk to the guy I met her with. I didn’t want it to seem like I snatched his babe, so I went to him as a man.
He said they were just friends, and it was fine for me to toast; something I had already started doing.
Rukky: Since we always ran into each other, I never made concrete plans to see him; I just knew I would. Then we started chatting on Facebook regularly and hanging out at events. We just kept spending more and more time together.
Charles: I’m not sure. We both came into this not wanting anything serious; it was just meant to be fun. Once her neighbours in the hostel knew my name, we knew it was getting serious.
We were spending more time together than apart. She said she loved me for the first time while we were having sex, but I ignored it. You can’t trust anything a woman says while getting pipe.
Well, it turns out she was serious. It took me a bit longer to get there despite having the same feelings. Moving away from the “We’re just having fun” mindset into an “I love you” one was hard.
Rukky: I didn’t plan to put any expectations on him, but I also needed him to know that my feelings were getting strong; I could see that his were too. So, I wanted to know if it was what I thought or if I’d need to begin curbing my feelings.
Even if he didn’t feel the same, I was ready to remain friends. I just needed to know.
Charles: The minute I said, “I love you.” You don’t say that kind of thing and then act like you’re not dating. I sort of feel bad I never asked her out officially. I feel like we let many of our relationship milestones happen organically.
No big “Be my girlfriend” or “Be my wife” speech. She is against big shows.
Rukky: That’s why I love our relationship. Everything has been effortless.
Charles: For about six years. We moved in together very early though.
Rukky: It was like hanging out with my best friend all the time. We had so much fun, and even the not-so-fun times were spent together. We helped each other through everything, and we were always there for each other.
Sometimes, I don’t blame our families for the way they reacted to us.
Rukky: I think they felt we were too intense. They still feel that way. We were in our little bubble, and they felt left out. I see how that kind of dynamic could go very wrong, but in our case, it went right.
Charles: Yeah. I mean, try introducing a woman to your mother for the first time with the line: “This one is going to be my wife.” It was shock and one million questions about tribe and all of that. I’m a stubborn goat, so I shut that down really early.
Our parents say we’re not really married, we’re just friends living together.
Rukky: LMAO. We still do everything together — the same way we did as boyfriend and girlfriend. I get why it worried them. It’s like giving birth and 25 years later, you somehow see your single kid as a conjoined twin.
It might be why we find it easy to handle more people. We are essentially one unit.
Charles: Wow. I never thought about it like that. You see why I married you, smarty pants.
Rukky: Our marriage is open, so handling more people in our relationship.
Charles: It’s not open in the way most people immediately think. Yes, you can sleep with other people, but you have to have a conversation about the person first. The other partner has to be completely fine with it for it to happen.
Charles: Hard to say. As with most things in our relationship, it happened organically. It developed from honest conversations about the people we fancied and our confidence in our relationship.
Rukky: It was probably within the first few years. Around that time, I was owning my bisexuality, and he was willing to follow me on that journey. It kind of evolved from that into an open relationship.
Rukky: So, I’ve always known I like men and women, but I thought I had to choose one. I chose men. I still felt the attraction to women, but I thought I couldn’t pursue that. With Charles, I found that I could.
I started letting myself appreciate the bodies of women. I would beg Charles to gist with women I found attractive so he could find out if they swung that way. Sometimes they agreed, sometimes they didn’t.
It took me a while to get comfortable with sleeping with women. The first woman I ever slept with was with Charles in a threesome. I’ve grown since then, and I’ve had different kinds of relationships with women, but they’re usually with Charles.
Charles: Yeah. Threesomes made the option of opening our marriage palatable. They were a way for us to understand the dynamic. Funnily enough, I think we’re both lowkey still in love with the first babe we had a threesome with.
Charles: Yeah. We’re friends. We hang out whenever we can, but it’s not a relationship.
Rukky: Yeah. We are dating someone right now — it’s lasted for over a year.
Charles: The plan was just to have a threesome oh, and we ended up in a relationship. LMAO. This is becoming a thing in my life. I start off wanting to just get laid and end up in a long-term relationship.
Charles: It’s definitely different. You know, it’s one more person. We have to make her feel like an active member of the relationship, even though we don’t see her as much as we’d like — she lives in a different city.
So, it’s about communication, lots of communication. All the time.
Rukky: It’s been really good though.
Rukky: Not really. This has been our longest and most intentional relationship.
Charles: Yeah. The others didn’t really count as dating.
Charles: Not always, but that’s mostly the case. The preference is sleeping with people together, but once in a while, I meet a woman that’s as straight as an arrow. Then I have to decide whether I want to sleep with her alone or not at all.
The answer is usually not at all, but there have been exceptions.
Rukky: I prefer when we do it as a unit. It’s easier, and to be honest, more enjoyable.
Charles: In the beginning, it was jealousy for sure. Talking to your partner about sleeping with another person is not easy. There was some initial awkwardness on my part.
Even with some of those bumps in the road, one thing that remained constant was communication. I truly believe that once the communication is steady, you can work through anything.
Rukky: Yeah. We took it one step at a time. We talked at every stage and constantly checked in with each other. Plus, we remain accountable to ourselves and each other. That has helped a lot.
Charles: It has made the relationship more loving and honest. We can separate sex with other people from the relationship we have. What’s important is our marriage and that it stands the test of time.
Rukky: Communication is so much more important to us, and that’s helped us become closer, which I didn’t think was possible. We understand each other a lot better, and I hope we continue understanding each other.
Charles: It’s mostly about Rukky feeling excluded. I’m more hands-on with our women, so it often feels like I have a better relationship with them — like, we have a deeper bond that is independent of her. It’s not something I agree with, but I understand it.
Rukky isn’t really about social media, and that’s how you keep in touch with people these days. So, I tend to communicate with our women more often, which contributes to how those relationships evolve.
To make her feel more included, we ensure we discuss everything.
Rukky: Exactly. Whenever there is an issue, we discuss it. If anyone does something the other doesn’t like, we talk about it. We rarely fight because we endeavour to be honest, and it’s usually easier to sort things out when the truth is on the table.
I deal with feeling excluded on a case by case basis, but mostly, I talk to him about it and trust in what we have.
Charles: If I say she has a fat ass now, you’ll say I’m being silly. But seriously, she is a great human being. She sees the world with child-like wonder, admiration and hope. Her mere presence makes the worst days so much better.
Rukky: I love everything about him, but if I had to pick one thing, it would be his open-mindedness. I wasn’t sure I’d find anyone, besides my family, that was truly open-minded. Then I found him, and now, we are family.
He also has the ability to further open your mind. Being with him is like visiting a new city.
Rukky: If I say 100, this man will call me an illiterate, so I’ll say 9 on the bad days and 10 on the good.
Charles: I’ll give it a 9 because, as a Nigerian professor would say, 10 is for God. And also, you need to have something to aim for.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who says she met the love of her life while whoring through Lagos. She talks about ditching all her fuck buddies for him, and their penchant for adventure.
I think I was six in Primary 1. One of my classmates, a girl, followed me into the bathroom when I went to pee, and she just kissed me. That was my first kiss, and I was very confused.
A lot of assault. When I was seven, an uncle came to live with us. He would come into my room at night and do different things to me. This continued for about five or six years. He finally moved away when I was 12.
Masturbation was one of the ways I coped with the assault — I discovered it when I was about 10. Looking back, I realise it was more about stress relief for me than pleasure. I don’t think I even understood the concept of pleasure at the time.
I was 12 or 13 in JSS 3, and I kissed this guy I had a crush on.
LMAO. The kissed sucked ass. He didn’t actually like me; he liked my best friend, but I always do the most when I have a crush. I would do his homework for him and stuff like that. I think he ended up kissing me out of pity.
Immediately he did it, I realised I didn’t want pity kisses ever again. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we got caught by seniors while we were kissing, and they kept teasing us. It was embarrassing.
Nah. The aftermath was even more dramatic. His siblings found out about the kiss, and one by one, they all came to harass me, warning me to never go near their brother again. His elder sister said I was trying to make him a slut like I was.
Back then, I was known as the school ashewo even though I’d never done anything — you know how slut-shaming works. The whole drama turned me off him, so we never kissed again.
Honestly, secondary school wasn’t it for me at all. I didn’t have a good time.
I was 20, in a university abroad, when the guy I was seeing was finally able to convince me to try sex. Before that, I had only been making out and giving blowjobs. That was initially the most I was willing to do. I really wanted sex to be on my own terms.
It wasn’t memorable. I loved him, so it made sense for him to be my first. I don’t think I was looking for something memorable at the time. I just wanted my introduction to sex to be as gentle, loving, slow, patient and safe as possible. He gave me that.
Then after we were done, I avoided him for like a month.
I knew he wanted a relationship. I loved him, but I wasn’t trying to be in a relationship. He finally caught me and convinced me to give us an actual shot. We were together for about a year.
It got better. I liked having sex with him, but he wasn’t as into having sex with me. I threw myself into sex because I was just discovering it and really liked it, but he thought I was too into it. All that judgement ended up affecting our relationship.
I had a lot of casual sex, trying to figure out what I liked. Then I entered my second serious relationship. The sex was mid because he wasn’t dedicated to pleasing me. My sex life wasn’t anything to write home about until I moved back to Lagos.
I wasn’t seeing my spec while schooling abroad, but Lagos has my spec everywhere. I had just broken up with my second boyfriend, so immediately I landed, I experimented and did whatever I wanted.
I was literally whoring my way through town, and that’s how I met the love of my life.
I used to sleep with his friend, but it was very casual — I didn’t want more at the time, and he was already in a relationship. His friend told him about me, and I guess he was intrigued because he followed me on Twitter.
After a few months, he entered my DMs. We chatted for a bit, exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone for hours. Three days after our first phone call, I drove all the way to his house, and we had sex.
It was very, very good. I had been having sex with other people — I had a hoetation — but as soon as we had sex for the first time, I ended it with all my men. I had finally found what I’d been looking for.
Yup. The one thing that stood out to me about the sex was how attentive he was. He is a very good listener, and out of all the people I’ve been with, I think he is the best listener. So, I knew I could sleep with him for the rest of my life.
We got married a little over a year after we met.
It’s basically the same for us. Things only changed when we had kids. I really struggled with my sex drive, and that affected our sex life. He was patient and understanding during this time. He kept reassuring me that there was nothing wrong with me.
Thankfully, my sex drive eventually returned with a rush. Now, we are back to the way we were before. We have sex very often, and it somehow feels better than it was in the beginning. I guess it’s because we know our bodies better.
LMAO. To be honest, I don’t even know what spicing up a marriage means, but we’ve always been pretty sexually adventurous — we are up to try anything at least once. A while ago, we had a threesome with another guy, and I absolutely hated it.
I wasn’t having that much fun, but the guy seemed to be having the time of his life. It was annoying. My sex drive was still low at the time, so I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. With my sex drive back up, we decided to try a threesome again.
It was still so mid. I actually caught my husband rolling his eye in the middle of it. Then when the guy left, and it was just the two of us, it was fantastic. I was like, “Yeah, maybe we should just stick to each other from now on.”
I can’t believe we are so compatible that it affects how we relate sexually with others.
I don’t think so. I mean, there’s one couple we want to fuck. If they agree, then yes.
I love how it is now, so I’d like more of the same, just with less fear and attachment to past trauma. Sometimes, it’s difficult to talk about the things I want to try with my husband because of how much assault clouds my sexual interactions.
If I can move past that, I think it would be great for both of us.
I would rate it a 10. We were made for each other.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Chuba, 32, and Mohini, 27, have been together for over five years. For today’s Love Life, they talk about realising they were perfect for each other, coming back from multiple breakups and navigating long distance.
Mohini: It was in 2014. Chuba had written this brilliant, demystifying series about Economics. In my IGCSE, that was the only subject I got a C in, so it was mind-blowing that someone could write about the subject, and I’d enjoy reading it.
I tweeted at him, praising his work, and he responded. We didn’t really talk properly until a year later.
Chuba: I remember getting that notification and thinking she had such a beautiful smile.
Mohini: I wasn’t thinking about anything romantic at that time. I followed him on Twitter and read more of his work. For me, that was it. He was also dating someone at the time.
Chuba: LMAO. Yeah, I was kind of in a relationship, so there was no romantic inclination. I was just glad to see someone openly grateful for something I had written.
Chuba: My mum was speaking at an event in 2015, so I showed up to see her. At the entrance, I spotted Mohini — I immediately recognised her smile. I went over to say hi and complimented her beautiful smile.
Mohini: I wasn’t even meant to be at that event. My housemate, who’s a photographer, had gone to shoot it, but he forgot his flash at home. He called me to bring it for him, and while I was annoyed about having to go from Yaba to VI, I did it.
I ended up shooting with him as well. I was doing that when Chuba walked up to me. I remember him complimenting my smile because it made me smile even more. After that, we all went into the hall for the event.
Chuba: The entire time, I knew I wanted to talk to her some more. At this point, I was single, so after the event, I walked right up to her and asked, “Are you single or in a relationship?” I’d never done anything like that before, but it was a gut instinct.
Chuba: LMAO. She just smiled, but she was clearly surprised by the question. So, I took out my business card, handed it to her and said, “You don’t have to tell me now. Just call or text whenever you have an answer.” I didn’t even ask for her number.
Mohini: I was in this circle of guys when Chuba came up to me, and I even had a crush on one of the guys. Imagine the irony. Anyway, the question left me speechless — it was so bold and direct. That was the moment the seed was planted.
Chuba: Well, she didn’t actually call or text. She swears she was going to, but to be fair, we ran into each other at another event two days later. She walked over to talk to me, and we had such a great conversation. That was when she told me she was single.
By the end of the night, I had introduced her to all my friends as my “bae-in-faith”. My mum was also speaking at that event, and when she was done, I introduced her to my mum as well. I had never done that before; I just knew she was the one.
Mohini: I don’t remember what we talked about that night, but I remember laughing like an idiot. I didn’t take the whole “bae-in-faith” thing seriously until he introduced me to his mum. I was wowed.
His mum even corroborated his statement that he had never introduced anyone to her like that. Then she gave me such a warm hug in her motherly bosom, and the rest is history.
Chuba: For me, it was from the beginning. Then the conversation we had the second time we met was so smooth — it felt like we’d known each other for the longest time. That evening, she sent me a WhatsApp message, and we texted until 3 a.m.
Mohini: On my end, I think feelings were beginning to be caught the second time we met. What’s funny is that we became official seven days after that. As they say, when you know, you know.
Mohini: We attended the EatDrinkLagos festival together, and one of Chuba’s friends, who was a vendor there, asked if I was his girlfriend. He turned to me and asked, “Are you my girlfriend?” I said, “Yes now.” That was it. We wasted no time.
Chuba: Before the festival, she had asked me to go for a walk with her on the Lekki-Ikoyi bridge. I love walks, so I was excited that she had suggested it before even knowing that about me. That was when it dawned on me that there was something here.
Mo, you didn’t mention that you broke up with me a week after it became official.
Mohini: LOL.
Chuba: LMAO. We’ve had multiple breakups oh. That was just the first.
Mohini: Oh dear. Chuba, help me. LOL. Why did I even break up with him the first time? I think it just felt like a lot. For context, this is my first real relationship. He was very upfront with his intentions, and I think that scared me a little.
Our breakups never lasted though. Chuba, do you remember the longest one?
Chuba: Less than a week.
Mohini: Somewhere between 5 and 10. Probably closer to 5 though.
Chuba: I think the breakups revolved around one particular reason: my faith. Around that time, I was still on my self-discovery path, trying to figure out what I believed in, or if I even believed in anything at all.
You know, when you’re dealing with Nigerian women who have been socialised to want a God-fearing man, finding out their guy is still figuring that stuff out is the last thing they want to hear.
I think her main worry was that we wouldn’t be spiritually aligned. Over the years, that has changed. We’re now more spiritually aligned than ever.
Mohini: LOL.
Chuba: LMAO. I’m more God-loving. I don’t subscribe to fear.
Mohini. Hmm. I’ve never thought about that. I feel like the thing that kept me coming back, aside from Chuba being an amazing, brilliant, loving and kind individual, is the fact that he just always challenges himself to grow.
Still, I think I had already committed before I even knew he would evolve. Maybe I subconsciously knew it was in his DNA to change, but I was committed before the change happened. I don’t think I would have uncommitted.
I remember one of our early hangouts at Freedom Park. We were having a conversation, and I told him, “I think I may have met my husband.” This was after he had told me where he stood, so, yeah, I doubt I’d have gone anywhere.
That being said, I’m glad we now share a common spiritual language.
Mohini: I can’t point to a specific moment. It was all the different little pieces clicking into place.
Chuba: Man, I feel like I was already gone since our second meeting, but if there’s any moment that truly stands out to me, it would be when she tried to propose to me. I was like, “This person is 100% different.”
Mohini. LOL. I definitely tried to propose. I bought bracelets, one was a compass and the other was an anchor, and they were meant to symbolise the roles we play in each other’s lives.
At the time, I thought I was ready, and I knew it would be a “Yes” from him. Duh. Anyway, I ended up losing my nerve and didn’t go through with it. I’ll let Chuba tell the rest of that story.
Chuba: LMAO. I remember coming out of the shower and seeing Mo standing in the middle of my room, crying. Then she told me she was planning to propose because she thought she was ready, and I just burst out laughing.
I thought it was sweet and funny. I didn’t see it coming at all. She is usually the one that alternates between certainty and uncertainty, and I’m the one that has been sure since day one. So, that she even considered it was a big deal to me.
I actually didn’t think she was ready at the time, so I was fine with her deciding not to.
Chuba: I did in 2019.
Mohini: He did it on our anniversary.
Chuba: Yeah. This was about two years after her attempt. I know that sounds like a long time, but I wanted to make sure we were ready. We were both transitioning in our careers, and I wanted us to be more focused when it happened.
A lot of men propose to women without considering whether they are at the right place in their lives to take on something as serious as marriage, especially when you consider that it changes a whole lot more for women than men.
So, I just wanted to make sure Mohini was stable before proposing.
Mohini: Life-changing is the word, and that’s not an understatement. Chuba is my partner in all things. He has a twin, so he knows what it feels like to have someone in your corner at all times. That’s who he is for me — my number one cheerleader.
We’ve both had to grow, in terms of emotional intelligence, temperament, consideration, empathy and love. We’ve basically been catalysts for change for each other. I’m a shy person, but he challenges me to go for what I want. I call him my partner in progress.
As great as it’s been, there have also been downs as well. There are times we’ve let our tempers get the best of us, especially in the early days. Thankfully, Chuba and his twin brother came up with a framework that helps us get through arguments a lot faster.
Chuba: We call it the framework of intention. My brother and I designed it during the lockdown. We were gardening a lot, and we learned some lessons from nature. Those lessons became the framework, and it has just three steps.
The first step is “slow down”. You have to slow down when communicating so your reaction isn’t a knee jerk one. The second step is to “give gratitude”. For me, I ask myself, “What am I grateful for about this person?” It helps with balance.
Then the last step is “take responsibility”. Before pointing out what your partner hasn’t done right, take responsibility for the part you played in that disagreement, be vocal about it, and do better. We’ve found that these three steps have been instrumental in reducing the level of conflicts we have.
Chuba: I see so much fun in our future. Mo and I know how to have fun anywhere. We enjoy each other’s company even if we’re just watching Netflix. I remember one of our Valentine’s Days was spent in the car, listening to music and vibing.
I’m really excited for us to go on trips together. I imagine that will be even more fun.
Mohini: For me, I see Afrocentric jungle vibes. LOL. Let me explain. Chuba and I are creatives, and we are both in love with nature. So, in terms of the actual visuals, I see both of us half-naked in the forest — I would probably be wearing some leafy bikini.
Chuba: That leafy bikini though…
Mohini: LOL! Jokes aside, I imagine us doing most of what we currently do a lot more comfortably. So, instead of all the long-distance, we actually live together — have dinner together, do date nights and work at the dining table together.
I’m just looking forward to a lot more togetherness.
Chuba: Like half of it. I alternate between Abuja and Lagos.
Mohini: Our first year was together. Then he did about a year at Yale. Then he came back and moved to Abuja with his family, but he currently flies back and forth. So, for instance, since March last year, we’ve only seen each other for about 2 weeks.
That should change once we get married. We’re already looking for our own place.
Chuba: Her energy. It’s the first thing I noticed about her. Mohini just has the most brilliant energy — it’s so bright and giving. A message from her always makes me happy. Hearing her talk makes me happy. Her energy is just great.
Mohini: I love his growth mindset and how responsive he is to me. He is so attentive and caring. He is also intentional about showing how much he cares. I love how he strives to grow and be better, which also inspires me.
I don’t think I could be with someone who doesn’t want more for themselves and the people around them — not in a greedy way, but in a “greater good” way. I also love how soft he is.
Chuba: A 9 because we are not yet married. Once we are married, it’s a 10. Maybe 11 even.
Mohini: I really want to give it a 10, and it’s not even to say that it’s perfect. I just like where we are, and I wouldn’t change anything about our journey. The only thing I would change is the long-distance, and even at that, it’s still solid.
So, maybe a 9. No, a 10. I don’t know. LOL.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Mezie*, 32, and Oge*, 31, went from friends to lovers to friends who occasionally have sex. For today’s Love Life, they talk about being life partners even though they know they can never get back together.
Mezie: It was at the national finals of a university competition. I was waiting to take the elevator in the hotel lobby, and when the doors opened, I saw her with her teammates. I noticed her because of her striking striped pants.
Oge: This was in 2009. I was repping my school, and he was repping his. A couple of us were going to get drinks at the end of the first day, and we somehow ended up in his room. According to him, I jumped on his bed and said, “Hi! How are you?”
I don’t remember doing that, but I don’t have an earlier memory, so let’s go with that.
Oge: I can’t say he formed an impression that stuck at the competition, but we got to be Facebook friends after, and we just did not stop chatting. He is so intelligent, so we talked about everything, from philosophy to Igbo culture.
Mezie: Wow. Oge, so you’re saying when my team was beating yours, you weren’t looking at me? This was even before you came to my room. You were literally cutting me eye. Anyway, let’s leave that story.
For my first impression, I thought she was a bit too much. She was fun and bubbly, but it felt like she was trying to be the centre of attention. Then there was this other guy she was all over.
Oge: What? I wasn’t cutting you eyes, I was cutting eyes at the other Mezie — the one that looks like you. Then when I was looking for him on Facebook, I friended you instead. By the time I realised it was the wrong Mezie, we were already cool.
Mezie: Wow. This is the first time I’m hearing this. This interview is already bringing out the truth.
Oge: Somewhere in the middle of our Facebook conversations. I think people knew that we liked each other before we admitted it to ourselves. I was always commenting on his page, and he’d do the same.
Mezie: She used to comment on everything I did on Facebook, and that’s how I figured she liked me. I already knew that I liked her, but I didn’t know how to handle romantic situations at the time.
Oge: He still doesn’t.
Mezie: Ouch.
Oge: He is going to say it’s him, but it’s a lie. It was around 2011. He moved to the north for NYSC, and I went to visit him. We made out a lot when I got there. As far as I’m concerned, that was me going, “Yo! I’m willing to risk my life just to see you.”
After that, he sent me an email that went, “I love you, and I hope it terrifies you as much as it terrifies me.”
Mezie: Wait! I sent that email or you sent that email? I’m actually confused now. Anyway, when she made that trip to see me, that’s when I knew she was a real one. I was sure I wanted us to be part of each other’s lives in a more concrete way.
Oge: He sent it oh! Then he gave me the silent treatment until I called him.
Mezie: I’ll accept.
Oge: Which one is “I’ll accept”? Don’t make me pull out screenshots.
Mezie: LMAO. Fine. It’s true. I remember now. I actually thought I had the most amazing lines that year.
Mezie: As she said, she didn’t reply to it for a while, so I decided to lean back.
Oge: Love is a word that typically makes me run in the opposite direction, so I needed a few days to process it. Then I called him, and after explaining how the email had freaked me out, I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said yes.
Mezie: It was great and exciting. We were already friends, and there was all that build-up to the actual relationship. So, when it started, I couldn’t get enough of talking to her. I was also hoping for time to get to see her and spend time with her.
Oge: Yeah. It was a long-distance relationship — he was in Abuja, and I was in Lagos. There were a lot of calls. It wasn’t a drastic shift from what our friendship was like. I was just happy to finally be dating someone I’d liked for so long.
Oge: Short answer: Yes. At that point, I hadn’t started having sex, but physical touch is very important to me, and I hated that I couldn’t make out with him. Then we both started getting busier with work and would be too tired to talk after.
It wasn’t the main reason we broke up, but it played a part.
Mezie: It definitely played a part, but it’s actually when I moved to Lagos in 2013 that the relationship went to shit.
Oge: The expectation on my end, probably unspoken at the time, was that if he was moving to Lagos, we would finally spend more time together. Then he moved, but it still felt like he was in Abuja. I wouldn’t see him for weeks.
To be fair, he lived pretty far from me and didn’t have a car, but it was still so frustrating that we now lived in the same city and I barely got to see him. Then whenever we did make plans, he would either be late or traffic would be hell.
I can never forget our last Valentine’s Day together. We made dinner plans, but even though I’d been in Lagos for a while, I didn’t know about the legendary Valentine’s Day traffic. By the time we got there, we were both pissed as fuck — me more than him.
Oge: I did. I messaged him and said it wasn’t working for me anymore.
Mezie: At the time, I felt like work was the immediate priority. No, that sounds wrong. I didn’t know how to show her that she was also a priority. I mean, we were both broke, so it was just a struggle.
We had some good moments in Lagos, but I guess that Valentine’s Day was the straw that broke the camel’s back for her. It only went downhill from there. Then there were some niggas circling at her workplace, and I think she got distracted by the attention.
I honestly didn’t expect her to end things. I mean, the day we became official was the pin code to my ATM card. I just couldn’t fathom that someone I had integrated into my life so deeply, granted the quality of the relationship had dropped, would just leave.
Oge: It was other things too. Like you being such a good catholic boy and getting angry with me for not going to church. Or the fact that you wanted to get married and have kids, but I didn’t.
Mezie: I actually had the hope that you would eventually see the light on some of the fundamental things we disagreed on.
Oge: Right. We’ve never actually addressed the office guy. After Mezie, I ended up dating someone from the office. Yes, he had been circling, and I had started liking him while I was still with Mezie. He was just right there, giving me attention.
I started dating him about a week after I broke up with Mezie.
Mezie: Women are scum. So that time I came to your office to surprise you, and you were going crazy, my competition was right there. Wow.
Oge: LMAO. You’re not serious.
Oge: I blanked him for a while, but he didn’t let it stick. He eventually reached out, and we’ve been friends ever since. We also started having sex with each other.
Mezie: Her philosophy is to cut people off, and she tried to do that with me, but I knew she was missing me. I knew I still liked her, and we were still running in the same circles, so immediately I got the chance, I reached out.
This was about a year after we’d broken up. She was still in a relationship with Office Guy.
Mezie: Oge?
Oge: Why are you calling my name?
Mezie: Daniel is asking you a question now.
Oge: LMAO. Yeah, I was still with him. A friend of Mezie and I was getting married in Ibadan, and we went together. The plan was to get separate rooms, but we went clubbing that night. I got really drunk, so he slept on the floor to look after me.
When I woke up the next morning, well, you know how it goes.
Oge: The next time was after that relationship, I think. That’s how I’m choosing to remember it.
Oge: Now, we’re both single, so no issues there. Once in a while, we hookup. I could go to his house and just chill, but sometimes, I show up and we both know we’re going for a sex date.
Mezie: For me, sex is just sort of in the background of our current thing.
Oge: He is my friend. He’s seen me grow up, and I’ve seen him go from a good catholic boy to the hedonist he is now. I’ve even called him my life partner because I think we’ll always be a significant part of each other’s lives.
Mezie: I’ve been in other relationships that didn’t work out, but Oge’s always been a constant. Around 2016, I actually considered shooting my shot again, but that’s when it became clear that we have too many fundamental differences to ever work.
Since then, I’ve decided to focus on our friendship. As she said, we are life partners, just without the romance.
Oge: Nah. Never. The reasons we broke up are still very much present. He’s grown a lot, but deep down, he’s still a very traditional Igbo man. I think at the base of it, we’re just too different, and if we try to go there again, we’ll ruin what we have.
Mezie: LMAO. I’ve written that option off.
Oge: Ah. It comes in waves. There are times I think, “Maybe we should give this one more shot because we are such good friends”, but then I remember why that’s a bad idea. Knowing it’s a bad idea, however, doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally consider it.
Mezie: Me, I will not lie, I’m still very attracted to her. Does that count as feelings? I think the love I feel is just an appreciation of her presence in my life.
Beyond that, it’s her booty and her face and her eyes. I really like your eyes, Oge.
Oge: Aww. Thank you. I love you, b.
Mezie: Love you too.
Oge: Ah. You’ll face your relationship oh. Whenever one of us is dating, we remove sex from the equation and just focus on being friends. It’s never been an issue. We even give each other advice when necessary.
Mezie: Yeah. I mean, most of my relationships have been short-lived — I’ve actually been in more situationships — but I don’t think any of the women I’ve dated seriously has been threatened by her presence.
Mezie: Her personality. Her laugh. She is very carefree in a good way. She is also very open-minded, and I think that might be my favourite thing about her. It makes her the best person to turn to for advice.
Oge: Ugh. I was going to say your laugh, now I have to change it.
Mezie: Better say it.
Oge: LMAO. His laugh is like a chortle, and then his tummy starts going up and down. It’s so funny. He is also able to calm me down a lot of the time. I especially love that I can be 100% myself around him.
Oge: 8.5. 10 is for God.
Mezie: 8. Had everything except alignment of world views.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 20-year-old bisexual woman who makes money selling pictures and videos of her feet online. She talks about the initial stress of starting the side hustle and how it has affected her sex life.
I think my earliest sexual experience was with Harlequin novels. I was around eight or so, but I used to devour those books. I started having less-than-PG feelings when I was 12, but I didn’t try to masturbate to them until I was 17.
Not at all. Masturbation was nothing like they described it in the books. The first time I tried it, I didn’t feel anything memorable. So, I did some research, and it got better after some time. Still, it only feels good, not great.
I’m yet to have my first orgasm.
Ever.
My first sexual experience with another person was after secondary school. I met this older guy who wanted me to send nudes and call him daddy, but I wasn’t really comfortable sending nudes. So, we just sexted instead.
I wasn’t really into it, but I enjoyed the attention. I went along with it until I got bored.
I tried to explore my sexuality. I had a huge crush on my best friend, but I didn’t tell her because she’s straight, and I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I decided to try dating women, but I couldn’t find anyone I connected with.
I met this really sweet girl on Tinder, but there was no attraction from either of us, so we’re just friends now. I met another daddy, and I don’t know if it was his voice or something, but I actually enjoyed sexting with him.
It depends on a few factors. When I’m in control of the situation, sexting is like a 7/10 for me. When the other person is in control, it’s like a 4.6/10. When we’re both just vibing, it’s like a 5.5/10.
I’ve never had intercourse, but I don’t know if I would be classified as a virgin.
Well, it’s a social construct for starters, but I’m also not sure if never having a penis inside me — even though I masturbate, sext and make porn — still counts as “virginity”. When I’m asked, I just say I’m not a virgin. It’s easier.
I sell pictures of my feet on the internet.
So, I’ve always been aware of foot fetishes because of the media and books. When the lockdown started, things were tight, and I didn’t know what to do. I used to bake for extra cash, but no one was splurging on pastries at the time.
I googled how to make money online, but everything I saw was either a scam or slavery. Then I saw a website that suggested selling foot pictures and the thought was planted in my head. I decided to dig deeper.
One day, I sat down, opened my camera and took pictures of my feet in socks. I don’t know if it’s just me, but society deems feet gross, so I was insecure about photographing them bare. I created an Instagram account and shared my first post.
I used relevant hashtags, so I got some likes — 13 or so. The likes were from real people, but the comments were from bots run by Yahoo boys promising to “spoil me silly”. I didn’t get any comments from real people.
Yeah. A LOT of Yahoo boys are in the foot community trying to scam foot models. I was just as shocked as you are to be honest. They’ll say stuff like, “I will send you $300 if you send me $50. Babe trust me. I swear on my manhood.”
See, you can always sense Nigerian energy. You can just sense it.
I didn’t know how hard it was actually going to be. In the blog I read, they said: “Post your feet and you’ll make money. Buyers are EVERYWHERE.” While that’s true to an extent, it’s much more than getting a pedicure and snapping your feet.
I met a lot of real guys after three days of using relevant hashtags and “follow for follow”, but they were cheap men asking for free stuff, weird stuff and nudity. For the first month, it was literally just freeloaders, scammers and weirdos.
After I decided to actually give it my best. I knew I wasn’t really putting out quality content, so I decided to understand the fetish and its various subgroups. I studied successful models and learnt to weed out time-wasters.
I gave it another proper go, and after two weeks, I started seeing results. I took better pictures, invested in props and pedicures and became part of the community. I made my first sale after a week, and it’s been getting better ever since.
Socks and other footwear. Fruit and food. Lots of baby oil. I want to get a ring light, but I don’t know how I’ll explain that one to my parents.
LMAO. I like that angle.
I restricted Nigerians from finding my page. No offence, but Nigerian men can be really cheap, especially to sex workers. Plus, the Yahoo boys were annoying. Some even still find my page with VPN.
Mostly US and UK.
I sell pictures, videos and video calls. For pictures and videos, I sell custom content and premade content. For premade content, I sell a set of 10 pictures for $5, 15 pictures for $10 and 20 pictures for $15. For custom content, it’s 1 picture for $5 and 3 for $10.
Videos depend on length and content. For premade videos, it ranges between $3 and $15. For custom videos, it’s $10 for a 1-minute clip, $15 for 2-3 minutes and $20 for 4-5 minutes.
My goal is to be able to have this as a solid source of passive income. I don’t plan to do this forever; it’s just something I can make money off of. So far, I’ve made over $300, and on the plus side, it’s actually enjoyable sometimes.
I’m currently working on a fan site. It’ll be subscription-based because it’s less stressful when I put all my videos and pictures in one place and people pay to access them. That’s easier than constantly marketing my shit.
Like every business venture, it’s a lot at first, but once you do the hard work in the early stages, it gets easier. You have to define your goals, your lines, your approach and your persona.
You also have to market, manage your finances, manage customer relations, build relationships with other people in your field and create content. So, yeah, it’s work, but it gets easier. That’s not to say there aren’t bad parts though.
The typical entitled men. Slut-shaming. Racism. Instagram censorship. Stalkers and crazy men. There is a guy whose whole thing is to tear down women of colour in the foot community.
There’s another guy that his thing is to try as hard as possible to get your account deleted off Instagram. He literally advertises that if a model pisses you off, just give him her handle, and he’ll get her deleted.
I had a boyfriend when I started this whole thing, but I broke up with him. I also had a slave at one point. I’d give him tasks and punish him. For him, it was about the pleasure of being dominated.
Right now, I’m single and not searching. I don’t really get wet when I’m sexting with a client unless he lets me dominate him. I have erotica and my fingers to keep me satisfied. I see dicks so often, even when I don’t want to, so I’m kinda desensitised.
No, he just wasn’t treating me right. He begged to date me, even after I told him that I was doing this. He was just too tight-fisted though he had money. I ended things when, on my birthday, he didn’t give me anything except a picture of his dick.
When I was 17, this random white guy DM’d me. It started off pretty innocently, but then he just sent me a picture of his dick, and it was super tiny. Like, microscopic. I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t.
Then I noticed he was kinda encouraging me to give him my honest feedback. When I told him his dick was tiny, I could tell he was into it. I kept humiliating him because I was into it as well.
I was dumb back then, so I didn’t try to get cash out of him. I thought it was weird, but I was also intrigued. I didn’t explore my dominant side again until I became a foot model. The first time I told a guy to kneel and he obeyed, the sexual high was out of this world.
I’ll give it a 5.7 out of 10. I’m a pretty sexual person, but I can go a while without doing anything sexual for my pleasure. Also, I guess because I’ve never had penetrative sex.
I do actually. It’s just not something that’s do or die right now. If it happens, it happens.
We’ve gathered 1 question each from 13 JSS1 subjects — ranging from Mathematics to Basic Technology — and we want to see how well you can handle them.
Go ahead:
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Victor, 31, and Wendy, 29, have been married for three years, and they’ve been friends since they were kids. For today’s Love Life, they talk about finding their way back to each other amidst exes, distance and bad decisions.
Victor: I think I was 11 in JSS 2, and she was in primary school. We had some joint events, so I used to see her around. She was tiny, quiet and had big eyes. I thought she was cute.
Wendy: I saw him around the school too. I was in Primary 6, and his class was a floor above the primary school at the time.
Victor: I’m not sure when the first time was exactly, but I figure it was during one of the joint events. I know I definitely saw her at one of the Christmas parties and we spoke, or at the very least, I spoke to her sister.
Wendy: LMAO. It was definitely through my sister. She used to come to pick me up, so she became friends with some of the guys in the secondary school. Victor was one of them, and that’s how I knew his name.
Wendy: LMAO. Yeah, just friends. I think Victor had a crush on her, but she’s five years older than him. He was in JSS 2, and she had already finished secondary school. I think she just thought he was cute, and he really was.
Victor: The relationship was pretty much non-existent for the first few years. I used to smile and say hi whenever I saw her around, but we never really talked. I think we started properly talking when I was in university, and it was on Facebook.
Wendy: From Facebook, we moved to Twitter. Then I came back to Nigeria during my first year of university and we hung out for the first time in the cinema. He had a girlfriend then, and I was talking to someone, so we were just hanging out as friends.
That didn’t stop it from being weird when his girlfriend saw us together in the cinema. To be fair, he wasn’t answering her calls. He used to be very toxic, so I think he was tired of the relationship and was trying to get her to break up with him by frustrating her.
Victor: Wait. It’s not like I’m saying I wasn’t toxic then, but she’s definitely embellishing the story. I had originally tried to make plans with my girlfriend earlier in the day, and she had said she was unavailable.
I told her I’d make other plans, and I think she misread it as me being upset and then started overtalking the issue. It ended up pissing me off, so I went out with Wendy. I wasn’t even ignoring her; I was watching a movie and couldn’t answer her calls.
I tried to text her instead, but she kept trying to call me. It was annoying. Then she came to the cinema and tried to make it a big deal that I had gone with someone else. Anyway, that relationship had run its course, and I was just reluctant to end it.
Victor: Well…
Victor: Omo. This is actually a big lie. I fell in love with her one week before our wedding. I didn’t know this babe. She was just sitting on the bench, waiting for her turn, and I was like, “Oya! Let’s see what you can do.”
Wendy: LMAO. Don’t mind him. Victor definitely liked me first. While I was in Nigeria, I got into a relationship for a bit, and when I went back to England, Victor started telling me, “I fancy ya” and “I want to be with ya”. I was like, “I have a boyfriend. Fuck off.”
The guy and I eventually broke up because the relationship was a sham. The next time I visited Nigeria, Victor was already in a relationship, but he still almost got into a fight with my ex at a barbecue.
Wendy: I had stupidly told him that Victor liked me, so there was just this weird energy between them. Anyway, I don’t think I actually started liking Victor until a few years later, when I fully moved back to Nigeria after university.
I was single and ready to mingle. So one night, I said I wanted to go clubbing and Victor said he’d come meet me at the club. We made out for the first time, and that’s when I knew I liked him too.
Victor: Omo. See lies. Just lies, lies and lies.
Wendy: LMAO. Are you mad?
Victor: See, I knew she was a fine girl, but I didn’t give it much thought because the circumstances didn’t make sense. We were rarely in the same country for any proper stretch of time, and even when we were, one or both of us were in relationships.
I do remember telling her that I thought she was fine and cool, but it wasn’t in an “I love you” or “I want to be with you” kind of way. To be honest, we still didn’t really know ourselves like that.
Victor: LMAO. I was unavailable at the time, so she went to find a lite version of me — Victor lite — and that’s how she ended up in a relationship. She now went to tell him that I liked her, and even though I wasn’t trying to move to her, he was jealous.
I actually can’t remember which barbecue she is talking about, but I was a very aggressive youth so that probably happened. Anyway, when I became single again, I finally decided to make my move because I could see a lot of men circling.
I threw my hat into the ring, and it was pretty straightforward from there.
Wendy: Wow. Now, who is lying? This guy ghosted me after our first makeout session in the club. He wasn’t picking up my calls or responding to my messages. I even called his roommate, but that one didn’t give him the phone. I just freed it.
We eventually had a conversation, and he said he was trying to get back with his ex. I was like, “Cool,” but I was obviously mad. Then about a month later, he came back and said it didn’t work with his ex. They had tried for a week, but he wasn’t into it anymore.
Victor: Ok. Fine. It wasn’t so straightforward. I was still hung up on my ex at the time, and I really wanted to give that relationship one more chance. I wasn’t optimistic, but I don’t think I would have been able to go into this relationship still thinking, “What if?”
It was while I was trying to make it work with my ex that I realised how foolish I was. The issues that caused us to break up in the first place were still there, and I became more sure of what I wanted from a relationship. So, I ran back begging. I went all out.
Wendy: He practically asked me to marry him.
Victor: She is a detty liar. I sha told her I was finally ready, and I was willing to wait for her to be ready too. In her mind, it took her like three weeks to agree, but in reality, I knew I had washed her. She was in love again.
Wendy: My birthday came up around that time, and he got me a huge old school iPod and put Drake’s “Own It” on it. He got me a lovely necklace that I still have, even though he always wears it now. He also got me headphones.
So, Victor does this thing where if he buys you a gift, he makes sure you have everything to enjoy that gift. Like, if he gets you an iPhone, he’ll also get you Apple Music subscription for a year. It’s so thoughtful.
I was also about to go to NYSC camp, so he went to Balogun Market by himself and bought every single thing I needed — from the white T-shirts to the fanny pack. I was like, “OK. Fine. You’ve won.” Once I came back from camp, we became official.
Victor: I think we were very lucky. We were at similar stages in our life in the sense that we were both still growing. We had the most fights in our relationship very early on, and we also had the most arguments. We talked about everything.
She was very vocal about her feminist ideals, and I didn’t always get it. I wouldn’t say I was the most toxic nigga around, but I remember us having this argument about making decisions in the household.
I was still very Christian then, so it didn’t make any sense to me that the man of the house would not have at least 51% of the say. Thankfully, she was very patient with me, and I was able to unlearn and grow.
Victor: We started dating end of 2013, got engaged at the beginning of 2017 and got married in December 2017. I remember us having conversations about marriage two years into the relationship, and I was concerned because I thought she was too young.
It’s funny because she’s just two years younger than me, but I always feel old. For me, it was very important that she didn’t blindly rush into a lifetime commitment. I was already willing to die there, and thankfully, she convinced me she wanted the same thing.
Wendy: Honestly, I think we were acting married before we got married. My friends would call me Abokoku (in Yoruba, it means someone who wants to die with their husband) and they still do. Victor always gave me that same energy.
He made it okay for us to unapologetically simp over each other. I’m the kind of person that is happy to form for you if you’re forming for me. With Victor, he never formed. Early stages of the relationship, he was already pooping and farting in front of me.
We were friends first, so that kind of carried on into the relationship. The only thing that has changed is that we now live together and are on each other’s necks all the time. We’ve also become a lot more mature in terms of communication.
Wendy: The last time we had a shouting argument was probably 2018. We had the worst round of fights in 2017 when we were planning our wedding. Since then, we made a decision to never have those kinds of fights again.
Now, it’s very common for us to be mad at each other, and each person will go into their room to calm down. Then we have a conversation right after. That way we don’t get to heightened levels of anger.
Wendy: Yeah. Then in terms of expectations for marriage, we don’t have any regarding the way a wife or husband is supposed to behave, and that has definitely helped. We also don’t have kids, and we don’t plan to have them this year or the next.
So, we are basically just best friends who live together and have sex.
Victor: LMAO. That’s exactly what I wanted. I wanted my own person that I could do life with and build my family with. I’m not even talking about kids when I think of a family. I just wanted my own unit, and Wendy has given me that.
I think we are very good together and very good for each other.
Wendy: I know it sounds extremely cliche, but it’s difficult to pick just one thing I love about Victor. We’ve been together for 8 years now, and I still can’t get over how kind and thoughtful he is.
He is extremely friendly, very funny and very beautiful. He is my big teddy bear. We also work together a lot, and I like seeing the contrast between how professional and assertive he is at work and how goofy he is with me.
I love that I get to experience every aspect and facet of him.
Victor: I love that she thinks of me. A lot of times, I feel like I get so focused on doing right by everyone else that I forget to look out for myself. So, it’s reassuring to know that there’s someone always looking out for me.
She’s fantastic. She’s very kind, and she teaches me every day to be more empathetic. She says I’m very thoughtful, but that’s really just her rubbing off on me. I love that her inner beauty matches the very evident beauty on the outside as well.
It’s very easy to fall in love with Wendy. You can ask all her hoes and office people.
Victor: When I imagine us in the future, all I see is enjoyment. I see us flourishing and thriving side by side. Do I see kids? Maybe. Maybe one. Maybe two. Maybe none. I sha see her, and that’s the most important thing. Everything else is jara.
Wendy: We haven’t decided if we’re gonna have kids, but if we are, it’s going to be when we leave this country. We’ll probably have two or three. . .
Victor: THREE? From where?
Wendy: We always say two or three now.
Victor: Ah. I’ve been saying one or two all my life.
Wendy: LMAO. Fine. Two. I’ll push one out and decide what is happening with the other one.
Wendy: With or without kids, I see us living our lives as unapologetically as possible. I see us evolving together and as individuals. I also see a lot of wealth. I’m saying it now oh.
Victor: You’re manifesting it?
Wendy: YES! I see a lot of wealth and enjoyment. I see us continuing to live our lives in a way that is not dictated by what society says we should be doing. We did away with religion since. Thank God!
Victor: LMAO. Thank who?
Wendy: LMAO. That was a Freudian slip. Anyway, we did away with religion and I think we are better for it. I’d also like to note that Victor and I are not intentional about our relationship in the way that many couples are.
Like, we don’t do quarterly assessments and all of that. It’s just vibes.
Victor: LMAO. I mean, we are intentional about some things, like loving each other and respecting each other.
Wendy: Yeah, the basics, but it’s mostly vibes.
Wendy: 10 out of 10.
Victor: A solid 9 out of 10. Gotta leave room for more.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Damola*, 28, has been dating Robyn*, 27, and Imani*, 25, for a few months now. For today’s Love Life, they discuss navigating jealousy in a non-monogamous relationship and how honesty makes it all work.
Damola: Let me answer this chronologically. My first memory of Robyn was at one of the #EndSARS protests. I was chilling with my guys in my car when a friend brought her over.
She was looking for company because she had come alone. She sat in the car for a bit, but she didn’t say a word. To be fair, we were all talking about sex. I thought she was cute, but I didn’t pay much attention until we bumped into each other weeks later.
My first memory of Imani was in a Clubhouse room. I saw her face and knew I had to find her Instagram. I followed her as soon as I did, and she followed me back. After a few days, we were FaceTiming.
Robyn: I had been going to the protests for about a week by myself, so I reached out to a friend. That’s how I ended up in Damola’s car. I remember him talking about liking bumbum, so I didn’t think he was focused.
I ran out of the car after two minutes.
Imani: My first memory of Damola was on Instagram. He followed me, I checked out his profile and thought he was pretty cute. He messaged me, and things just kind of picked up from there.
Damola: It was definitely after the first conversation with both of them. For Robyn, it was on our first date. For Imani, it was over FaceTime. I can usually tell I like someone from how much we have to say to each other.
I’m drawn to women who teach me things, and I learnt a lot from both of them the first time we spoke. They were very interesting conversations — the kind where you completely lose track of time.
Robyn: I found him intriguing after our first conversation, and as time went on, I realised how attentive and caring he was. He wasn’t like those sleazy Lagos guys who change their personality to get a babe. He was consistent.
Imani: I can’t pinpoint exactly when I realised I was into Damola. I remember telling him I only wanted to be friends, and he was really cool about it. We continued talking, and I just found myself falling for him.
Damola: I think, primarily, they are friendships. I’m friends with both of them, and as with most friendships, there are similarities and differences. Then on top of that, there’s a sexual and romantic nature to them.
I struggle with defining what romance is, but I know I enjoy it and am good at it. I genuinely see them as my good friends, and I also just happen to be very attracted to both of them.
Robyn: Yeah. When we first met, I asked him what love looks like to him, and he said, “Friendship”. So, yeah, we’ve been really good friends. This will sound corny, but I think he might actually be my best friend.
Imani: Yeah. Damola’s definition is pretty accurate.
Damola: Not really. I’ve been non-monogamous for the past two years, but what is new is feeling this level of comfort with my partners. With them, I don’t need to worry about my intentions being misunderstood.
I mean, the fact they even agreed to this interview says it all.
Robyn: Yeah. This is definitely all new to me, but it was surprisingly easy to accept. At this point in my life, I don’t want to feel caged by anyone or anything.
His honesty was also very refreshing. I asked him to always tell me about his other women, and he does. That made me feel comfortable with the whole thing. I never want to feel or look crazy, so I’d just rather know.
Imani: The concept is new to me too, but I find it freeing, non-possessive and non-controlling. That’s everything I’m running towards right now. I’m trying to stay away from relationships that make me feel trapped.
Damola: Not instantly. I just talk about my life in passing and things come up organically. I think I was talking to my sister about Imani, and Robyn was there.
For context, I’m generally paranoid about getting into relationships like these because I never know how much honesty women actually want. So when they say, “I can deal with this,” I’m usually sceptical.
Robyn reassured me that she was fine with hearing about it, and that made me comfortable, Since then, I’ve been pretty open about it. I talk to Robyn about Imani the same way I’d talk about any other friend.
Robyn: No, I wouldn’t say I’ve dealt with jealousy, but something new happened recently. Damola and I have been spending a lot of time together in the past couple of months, so it was odd not seeing him for a while.
I wouldn’t call it jealousy. I was just missing my friend.
Damola: There was an expectation that I would be spending a lot of time with Imani. We hadn’t met in real life before, and she flew in from Canada to see me. So, we’ve been hanging out a lot before she leaves.
Robyn: To be fair, I was actively avoiding him too. I didn’t want him to feel weird about any of it. I’m travelling out of town for a bit, and it’s one of the reasons why.
I figure he won’t have to worry about spending time with me, so he can just enjoy these weeks with Imani. If I’m around, he’ll be worrying about me feeling lonely, and I don’t want that.
Imani: Yeah. That was like 80% of my reason. The other 20% was me needing a change of pace in the middle of this pandemic. I wanted to escape Canada for a bit.
Damola: It just does. Imani and I are typically in front of our computers for work, so we just always have each other on FaceTime — we don’t even need to be talking. That’s how we spend time together.
Damola: I don’t really think about differences between both relationships, but I’d say the most obvious way it differs is that Imani and I actually spend most of the time we’re together talking.
Imani: To be fair, that’s because we can’t have sex for most of it.
Damola: LMAO. True. Anyway, I don’t feel like the distance diminishes the value of the relationship at all. But that could also be because, in my head, I know it won’t be long-distance forever.
I plan to split my time between Lagos and Canada.
Damola: Nah. It’s something I’ve always planned to do.
Damola: I’m just very good at time management. It also helps that I’m genuinely friends with the women I’m with, and as a result, they become friendly with my other friends.
So, even when we can’t make time to hang out alone, we can all just hang out in groups. I think managing my time and relationships, both platonic and romantic, just comes naturally to me.
As I get busier with work, I’ll probably have less time for as many people, but I don’t think that affects me being non-monogamous. It’s what anyone who has many friends will have to do at the end of the day.
Damola: I do expect the relationships to evolve, but I don’t really have conventional ideas about relationships. For example, I don’t think about marriage. I doubt that will change.
I don’t have any picture of the future that is fundamentally different from what we have now. The one thing I hope is that no matter what happens, we remain friends.
Imani: I’m not thinking too far ahead because everything in life is pretty uncertain. I don’t know what could be different down the line, but hopefully, we’ll still be good friends.
Robyn: To think about this long term would be to ignore the very foundation this was built on. So, no, I definitely don’t sit around and think about what the future holds.
At any point, if either of us wants to stop with the romantic and sexual aspects, that’d be fine. We should still be able to maintain a friendship because that was the whole point of this in the first place.
Imani: Besides it being a non-monogamous situation, it’s more open and honest than any relationship I’ve ever been in. My past relationships were also very controlling, and this is nothing like that.
Robyn: I’m starting to sound repetitive, but it’s the honesty for me. I never used to believe guys when they swore they were being honest, but that’s not the case with Damola.
Damola: I’m less paranoid than I usually am. I’m not expecting anyone to try and spring monogamy on me. It helps that I met both of them at a time when the last thing they wanted was for a man to try and own them.
Damola: I don’t care. If they want to, that’s fine, but I don’t need them to. This interview is actually the first time they are interacting. The relationships are separate and have nothing to do with each other.
Imani: I don’t feel the need to interact with Robyn or anyone else Damola is seeing. Not because of any ill intent towards them, but because it doesn’t affect what we have.
Robyn: I don’t feel the need either. Not at all.
Imani: I’m not currently seeing anyone else at the moment, but I’m not opposed to it. I mean, I’m not actively looking but if I met someone else that I liked, I would date them.
Robyn: I’m not either. If I meet someone I like, I guess I’ll just have the conversation with Damola. This situation doesn’t come with an instruction manual, so I’m winging it. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
Damola: It’s a bunch of things. I like that they teach me things. I like that they are both risk takers. I also like that they aren’t held back by society’s expectations of them. They are also super hot — I like that a lot.
Imani: I like Damola’s mind and the way it works. If it didn’t work the way it did, he probably wouldn’t be as honest, open, intelligent and easy to talk to. So, yeah, it’s his mind for me.
Robyn: I don’t think I can pick just one thing. I like being around him, spending time with him, picking his brain and just talking for hours. I like everything about him.
Imani: So far, it’s been 10/10. I haven’t had any issues, so I think that’s a fair rating. Awkward if it’s not the same for him.
Damola: If you think they’re not both getting 10/10, then you must think I’m a stupid man.
Robyn: Looks like we have 10s across the board.
*Names have been changed for anonymity.
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Everyone is on the hunt for a tech bro or tech babe (or both) of their own, but besides this article that helps us spot tech bros, we need other mediums to help find them. This quiz is the latest one.
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Co-written by Zikoko Contributor @Adahna
If you’re still getting Nigerian Law School horror flashbacks year later, this post is for you.
YES!!!
Hian! Didn’t we all just resume?
What a waste.
Can you not?
Who did I offend?
NLS Horror Story: Microphones.
Wow!
See money I could have used to eat.
Even if they are insulting you.
What is this stress?
God, help me.
Let’s hear word.
Is this my life?
Oh! You can pray now?
I’m dead.
Jehovah!
Better leave this place.
You people are mad.
It’s all over.
Chineke!
It can’t be.
Time to go and buy wig and gown.
Finally!
As told to NerdEfiko
Since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, there’s been a justifiable fear that underdeveloped countries like Rwanda will experience a rise in cases of human trafficking due to an increase in unemployment.
According to research, unemployment is the most significant factor that facilitates human trafficking in Rwanda, with about 80% of the victims being women and children between the ages of 16 and 40.
*James, 29, and his girlfriend, *Dami, 27, had lived in Nigeria for most of their lives before relocating to Rwanda for work in 2019. While there, they decided to spice up their relationship by finding a Rwandan woman for a threesome.
James thinks that decision almost ended in his girlfriend being trafficked.
East Africa has some of the most beautiful women in the world. Rwandan women, in particular, are the cream of the crop. My girlfriend feels the exact same way, and that’s why we came up with the idea to try a threesome when we had settled in Rwanda.
The first thing we needed to do was find someone we both liked, so we went straight to Tinder because the people there know exactly what they want. We decided to use her picture because I doubt there are many women who would be interested in hearing a threesome proposition from a random guy on a dating app. After we set everything up, we started swiping for potential candidates.
This was actually how I found out that Rwanda has a thriving lesbian community; well, gay and lesbian community. We were looking for a Rwandan woman who was nice, looked good, smelled good and was interesting. They also needed to be willing to take a bunch of STD tests before anything happened. We were able to find a few people who seemed to fit the bill.
For the first woman, Dami went to meet up with her, but she wasn’t feeling her — she didn’t smell very good and was a bit shallow. The second woman didn’t seem too eager to get tested. She also lacked the unmistakable Rwandan features we were both hoping for: ridiculously thick and stop-in-your-tracks stunning.
The last woman we picked was really nice at first, but then she quickly became very forward. I mean, it’s weird to say someone is too forward on Tinder, considering what the app is for, but she was a bit much. After Dami told her exactly what she was looking for, this babe proceeded to send her a bunch of unsolicited nudes.
At first, we were like, “This person is super excited,” but little red flags started popping up. For starters, the nudes she sent were of different people. The skin tone was pretty similar across pictures, and they were all taken from the torso down, but I could tell they weren’t taken by the same person.
Then she sent a raunchy video of two women fondling each other in public, and when we asked if she was one of the people in the video, she said it was a friend, not her. In our heads, we were like, “Why are you sending us a video you’re not even in?” That was another red flag.
Still, Dami and I decided to meet her in a public place to decide if we wanted to go through with it. So, we set a time and a date. When we tried to call her to confirm the meeting, she didn’t answer the phone. She tried to call us back and was conveniently inaudible. She said her network was bad, so we just continued texting. That was another red flag.
When we finally got to the restaurant, she wasn’t there yet. We ordered food that took about 45 minutes to come out — welcome to Rwanda — and she still hadn’t arrived. We reached out, and she swore she was on her way. A few minutes later, a very cute lady walked in and sat down. The babe had also sent us a bunch of pictures of her face, but we didn’t want to assume we actually knew what she looked like.
Dami and I kept checking this lady out, but she only seemed interested in ordering food. We figured, if she was the one, she would have texted or called us the moment she got there. Dami was getting a bit anxious, so I decided to walk up to her and ask if she was waiting for anyone. She said she wasn’t, so we had to keep waiting.
After about half an hour, a man, who Dami later realised used to work out at the same gym as she did, walked in. He went to the table right behind us and sat down, giving him a full view of us and the restaurant. A moment after, we got a text from the babe saying she was outside, so we told her to come in. I should point out that this person had no idea I was with Dami — she thought she’d be coming alone.
Five minutes later, she still hadn’t come in, so Dami hit her up to ask where she was. She said she needed her to come outside and escort her into the restaurant. It was a strange request because the farthest distance between the parking lot and the entrance was 2 metres at most, and it was already pretty dark outside. This was another red flag.
There was optimal lighting in the parking lot, but it was also quite scanty due to the pandemic. So, I decided that I should go out and scout the area since she didn’t know what I looked like. We asked her to describe herself, and she said she was in black RAV4. I went out and walked around, pretending to be on a call, but I didn’t see anyone inside or around the car. It wasn’t even warm. There was absolutely no way someone had just driven it.
I decided to go back in, and as I was entering, I saw the guy from my babe’s gym sitting with her and talking. As he saw me, he quickly wrapped up the conversation and left. A few minutes later, the babe texted, angrily asking why Dami sent me to get her. This was when it clicked that something sketchy was going on because I didn’t see anyone outside. I’m guessing, this person was lurking somewhere in the dark, waiting for Dami to come out, so they could pounce, throw her in a car and drive off.
We immediately called a cab and headed to a hotel. Obviously, we couldn’t drive home in case we were being followed. After we were safe, I took the pictures we’d been sent and did a reverse Google image search. That’s when I found the person that was being impersonated — a nice family woman, recently married with kids.
Her social media accounts were open, so they just took a bunch of her pictures. As for nudes, I’m guessing they just sent a bunch of random porn. Most of these red flags that seem really glaring now only became apparent after the fact. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.
I don’t think a threesome will be happening anytime soon. Hopefully, something more organic and less life-threatening comes our way, but for now, we are just going to have to make do with each other.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who has never had penetrative sex because she’s embarrassed by the way her vagina looks. She talks about having to rely on just masturbation for her sexual gratification.
I was 11 the first time I watched porn. I had a slightly older cousin who always brought over a bunch of “blue film” VHS tapes whenever he visited, and my grandmother’s aunty — not sure what to call her — would watch them with him.
One day, I stayed home from school because I was sick and ended up watching it with them. They thought I was sleeping, but my eyes were open. That’s when my grandmother’s aunty started telling my cousin about her past sexual experiences.
She said whenever they went to the river as young girls, they would go to the part where the waterfall was gushing and put their private parts in front of it. She said it was good enough to replace a man.
LMAO. After that day, I found out where my cousin hid the tapes, so I started watching them a lot. It was in one of them that I saw a woman using a showerhead to masturbate, and I immediately remembered the waterfall story.
So, when I took my bath that evening, I used the showerhead on myself and loved it.
Not very often because I started feeling religious guilt. I had just received my first holy communion as a catholic, so whenever I did it, I would have to go for confession. Then I went to boarding school, and there weren’t any showerheads.
My first kiss was with a girl. I went to an all-girls school in my senior year, and I remember dancing with one of my classmates. We kept moving in closer and, for some reason, we just kissed. There was no tongue though.
The first person I kissed with tongue was a boy. I was in 100L, and it was very bad. He shoved his tongue down my throat, bit my lower lip and hit his teeth against mine. My lip and gum were bleeding. I remember crying when I got back to the hostel.
Yup. I was really expecting some Cinderella-type kiss. No such luck.
I was legitimately terrified of getting pregnant, so sex wasn’t even up for discussion.
For some context, I was abused when I was seven years old. I didn’t mention it earlier because I don’t consider it a “sexual experience”. Anyway, while I was in the hospital, following the abuse, one of my aunties came to see my mother and me.
She told my mother that girls who get abused as young as I did always grow up to be ashewos because they already know how it feels to be touched by a man. She said I was now more likely to get pregnant early because I would be promiscuous.
Yup. My mum was very young at the time. She was in university when I got abused, and she felt so guilty that she almost dropped out. I was just a child, but I could see how my aunty’s words were getting to her.
My mum cried so much, even long after my aunty had left. So, I made a vow to myself, right there in the hospital, that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I wanted to prove my aunty wrong and make my mother proud.
I was horny all the time in secondary school, but I was too scared of getting pregnant to ever jump fence and collect dick. Even when my mates would do it and come back to testify, I just stuck to masturbating.
I was still afraid of having sex when I got to university, but I had this roommate who told me all the fun things I could do without penetration, from fondling to oral sex. So, when I met this guy I liked in 200L, he became the first person I experimented with.
I made it clear that I didn’t want penetrative sex, so we only made out and fondled each other. I never allowed him to take my underwear off because I was scared of crossing that boundary. He would always beg to put just the tip in, but I never let him.
He eventually got so frustrated that he freed me.
I got a boyfriend a few months later, and he was the first person I let take my underwear off. I remember exactly how he reacted when he saw my vagina for the first time. He stepped back in shock, and I just had to pretend as if I didn’t notice.
He now used style to move to my breast and pull my underwear back up. I remember freezing on the bed and wanting to cry. We continued making out, and he got so into the moment that he pulled it back down and fingered me. I guess he got over the shock.
I think the manner in which I was abused as a child altered the way my vagina looks. It wasn’t penetrative abuse, but he used to pull at my labia and play with it. That caused my labia minora to become larger than my labia majora.
Since I started watching porn at a pretty young age, I had seen what a vagina was meant to look like — the labia minora was always tucked in and perfect — but mine looked nothing like that.
Then when I went to secondary school, girls didn’t waste any time telling me how ugly my vagina looked. It became so bad that I would wait for everyone to finish before I took my bath. I always got punished for being late, but it was better than being made fun of.
The next day, when he came to pick me to go watch a movie, he asked me if I smoked. Apparently, my vagina looked like I had been smoking and doing stuff for years. He was basically saying I had the vagina of an ashewo.
I got angry, cancelled our date and stayed home crying for the rest of the day. That was the last time I ever showed anyone my vagina. Even now, I never make out with the lights on.
After that experience with my boyfriend, I became insecure about taking my clothes off in front of him. He eventually got tired and cheated on me, so we broke up. For the rest of my early 20s, I limited all my sexual activity to dry humping and masturbating.
Whenever a guy indicated any interest in me, I would make it clear that penetration was off the table. I became very good at dry humping and giving hand jobs, and that’s all I did until I graduated.
No, but I did meet a guy I had a mad crush on. He wasn’t fine like that, but there was something about him. Every time he talked to me and touched me, I wouldn’t be able to stop imagining how great he would be in bed.
He had a girlfriend, so I knew I couldn’t make a move at the time. They broke up, but during a pool party we all attended, I coincidentally shared a shower stall with her and caught a glimpse of her vagina. It was perfect, like pornstar perfect.
I immediately felt insecure. I couldn’t imagine him going from her perfect vagina to mine, so I withdrew. He kept trying to make a move, but I wasn’t being responsive. He also moved on, and I felt so bad. I ended up becoming a bit obsessed with him.
He started dating someone else, and I was actively stalking both of them on social media, waiting to hear that they’d broken up so I could swoop in. I would even masturbate to his image in anticipation of their break up.
At this point, the fear of pregnancy was no longer the reason I was not having sex; I was saving myself for this man. I wanted him to be my first penetrative experience. He was all I could think about.
Yeah. I met this guy during a work event and we clicked. He made me feel very comfortable, and he ended up being the first person to ever give me head. The lights were off, of course, but I was still scared he’d notice how it looked.
Not sure if he didn’t notice or care, but he didn’t react. He just got straight to work, and it was amazing. I gave him head too — I had watched a lot of porn in anticipation — and he came. I was very proud of myself, considering it was my first time.
So, we became friends with benefits, but we never had penetrative sex.
Yeah. Then I heard that they had gotten engaged, and I was heartbroken. This news, coupled with the fact that I had just lost my job and was about to turn 30, made me become very depressed. I couldn’t stop crying.
When I told my friend what was going on, she got worried and invited me to come to stay at her place. She and her husband were very accommodating. I was their guest for about a month, and it ended up changing my sex life.
LMAO. No. One day, while I was helping my friend get something from her room, I spotted a small sex toy among her belongings. Immediately everyone had left for work, I went back for it, googled how to use it and got to work.
This was the first time something was penetrating me, so I had to use a lot of lube. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it still felt amazing. I increased the intensity of the vibration, and it was mind-blowing. I came a few minutes later.
I kept using it every day until the lube had reduced to an amount I thought she would have noticed. When I returned home, I needed to buy my own sex toy — my hands were no longer enough for me.
I was scared of using my ATM card to buy online because I didn’t want it to show on my account. So, I travelled to Abuja to go buy it. I lied I was going to look for a job, but I knew the real reason.
I came back with a bunch of toys. At the time, I was living with my mum. I knew I couldn’t comfortably use my toys in her house and that motivated me to move out. I was still broke and jobless, but I found a way.
See, I was ready. On my 30th birthday, I bought 3 packs of Chicken Republic rice and spent the entire day masturbating. I took a break to go see my mother, but I ran back and continued masturbating until the next morning.
It’s just a lot of masturbating. I’m still insecure about how my vagina looks, and now, I have added a lot of weight, so I’m insecure about my body too. I’m just focused on my toys. They satisfy me, and one of them even made me squirt.
Of course, I do. As much as my toys satisfy me, I would still like to be held after I come. That being said, I’m scared. I’m scared of how obsessed I became with that crush; I’m scared that I’m not wife material; I’m scared that no man will ever like my body.
I have a dream of saving enough money to get surgery that will fix the way my vagina looks. I’m currently broke and jobless, so I don’t know if that will happen anytime soon, but if it does, then I’ll be confident enough to try penetrative sex.
I’ll give it an 8 because what you don’t know won’t kill you. I’ve never had any fulfilling sexual experience with the opposite sex. All I know are my hands and my toys, and they have been good to me.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Tunji*, 32, and Ezinne*, 28, knew they wanted to get married a week after they met. Now, they are engaged, but Ezinne’s father refuses to give his blessing to a Yoruba man. For today’s Love Life, they discuss how their faith has helped them through it.
Ezinne: It was a Saturday in June 2020. I was heading to work, and I sat at the back of the bus. Before I got down, he tried to strike up a conversation. It was a very hot day, so I was wondering how anyone could still have the energy to be toasting someone.
Anyway, we spoke for a bit, and he asked for my number. It’s not like he wowed me or anything, but I gave it to him. I honestly didn’t think it would lead anywhere.
Tunji: I will never forget meeting Ezinne for the first time. Some might call it coincidence or chance, but I know it was God’s divine orchestration. I was meant to go for an early meeting that day, but I ended up delaying it. We wouldn’t have met if I didn’t.
I can’t even call what we had love at first sight. It was more than that. After we exchanged numbers, we spoke non-stop; our connection was undeniable. We knew exactly where the relationship was going within a week.
Ezinne: At first, no. I wasn’t really looking for anything serious at the time; I just wanted to focus on God. After just a week of talking, however, I knew I wanted us to be together forever.
I’ve spoken to guys for months without it going anywhere, but in a few days, Tunji proved to be everything I’d been looking for. We also bonded over our Christian values, so it was very easy to go from there.
Ezinne: After that first week, the next move was telling my pastor about him. We had previously prayed about me meeting my spouse; I just didn’t know it was going to happen so soon.
It wasn’t even about meeting our parents for us, it was about meeting the spiritual authorities in each other’s lives. Then we started praying together. We’ve been doing that every night since July, except when we have a fight.
Tunji: After we met each other’s pastors, we went to meet our parents. This all happened within a month of meeting each other. It was an eventful couple of weeks, but we knew we wanted the relationship to go all the way.
Ezinne: Meeting his parents was awesome. They were so nice, I wished they were mine. Meeting my dad, on the other hand, was horrible. Tunji would never say that because he loves my parents, but my dad was awful to him.
He came alone for the normal “I saw a flower in your garden” visit, and my dad began to lecture this 32-year-old man that marriage is not for kids. Then when he found out Tunji is a teacher, he asked how he would be able to feed me and afford school fees.
My dad insulted his life and destiny. He seemed offended that Tunji would even come to indicate any kind of interest. It was hell, but Tunji was cool throughout all of this. He just promised to come to see my dad again.
Tunji: I really didn’t think his initial reaction was out of the ordinary. It’s something any father could do to protect his daughter. At some point, I thought the questions were becoming a little too personal for the first visit, but I still didn’t feel bad about it.
I figured he wanted to know if I was ambitious enough to take care of his daughter.
Ezinne: LMAO. Do you see? My fiancé is too nice about all of this. He is as cool as a cucumber. He’s the peace in the storm, while I am fire and brimstone. I think that’s why we fit together so well.
Ezinne: LMAO. Yeah. We never actually dated. There was no “Will you be my girlfriend?” moment. It was more like, “I want to plan my life with you.” If you ask him, he’ll probably say he proposed to me since July, less than a month after we met.
There was no ring at first. He didn’t see the need. He had made his intentions clear, so he didn’t think there was a point to all that extra fanfare. On my end, I had also started behaving like I was engaged.
Then for my birthday, about three months later, he planned an official proposal with my very close friend. He went on his knees, pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him. I honestly didn’t know I needed a ring until I got one.
Ezinne: To be honest, my father has given every reason under the sun as to why Tunji isn’t the right man for me. He was still using, “You just met this guy,” even after seven months of constant visits, but the real reason is clear: he isn’t Igbo.
Tunji: My family didn’t think it was too early. At the time, our plan was to get married between February and March of 2021, about nine months after we met, and they were in full support of that.
Ezinne: If I remember my dad’s story correctly, he started out in one tiny room with no money. So, he was broke in the beginning — broker than my fiancé — but my mum still gave him a chance. That’s how I began suspecting money wasn’t the real issue.
Then one day, he called me to say he is just trying to protect me. He said Yoruba people don’t like us, and he isn’t going to be responsible for what happens to me if I marry one of them. That’s when everything became clear.
Ezinne: LMAO. Plan? In fact, Tunji and I just came out of a very big fight because of this date. I was really looking forward to getting married in March — I had even started sewing my dress — but it’s not happening.
The last time Tunji went to see my dad, he ran to the bathroom. He didn’t come back out.
Tunji: I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve gone to see Ezinne’s father. I remember he was really upset the second time I brought up marriage, so I gave him a bit of space.
The most receptive he’s ever been was when I went with my brother. He wasn’t feeling well that day, but he was quite accommodating. That made me optimistic that he was finally coming around.
Ezinne: I hate remembering the fight because it’s not like we’ve settled it; I just had to move on. Tunji had promised me that even if my parents didn’t consent, we would go ahead and get married in March.
So, I brought it up at the start of January, and he said we would still have to wait until my parents agreed. I was like, “If you love me, you should be ready to go to court and marry me without our parents.” I mean, we are both over 18.
He said he can’t kidnap me from my dad, and I was just there like, “KIDNAP ME, SIR!”
Tunji: I really believe we will get their consent in due time. I have faith that we will. I don’t want it to get to that point where we get married without their approval, but Ezinne and I will make that decision if the need arises. I just don’t think it will.
Ezinne: LMAO. That’s the funny thing about all of this. It’s almost like there is demonic activity going on. For Igbo families, there’s something called “knocking on the door” — the Iku Uka — before the introduction, and Tunji already did that with his brother.
My dad seemed very open that day. They even laughed and watched TV together. Everything seemed fine, but for whatever reason, he is back to being difficult. So, no, I don’t think I can say he is warming up to the idea.
Ezinne: It’s been tough, and the fact that we are celibate isn’t making it any easier. Whenever I’m in pain and crying about this whole issue, I just want to jump on him and have sex.
Tunji: Yes. It’s a decision we made together. It’s been tough, but we know it’s necessary for the kind of relationship we are trying to build. Ezinne is a beautiful woman, and I’m very attracted to her, but I know it’s going to be worth the wait.
Ezinne: Before Tunji and I met, I had been celibate for a little over a year, so sex was the last thing on my mind. I had just gotten closer to God, and I was no longer interested in having sex before marriage.
Thankfully, he was on the exact same page as me regarding the whole celibacy thing. It was refreshing that I didn’t have to convince him to wait until marriage. That doesn’t mean it’s not been hard oh.
We used to make out at first, but we started counselling in my church and one of the rules is that we cannot go over to each other’s houses. That has definitely made it easier to stay in check, but it’s still tough.
Ezinne: They are pretty annoying rules to be honest. I mean, how can you tell me not to visit my man? LMAO. Basically, we are not allowed to be alone together. If we want to see, we have to go out on a date.
One time, I asked, “What if we don’t have money to go to a restaurant?” They were like, we should buy Coke and meat pie and sit down. Their major concern is that we avoid anything that could lead to temptation.
We also have to pray together often and listen to our pastors. They are currently praying with us that my dad will soon give consent, so that’s great. To be honest, the only hard rule is the celibacy one.
Ezinne: It’s different in the best possible way, but I’m thankful for the past ones. All those failed relationships helped me realise what I wanted, so I wasn’t forming hard to get or being childish when Tunji came along.
He is also dependable and very sure of me, so I feel secure. I feel like if someone tells him that my nudes are trending on Twitter right now, he’d just shrug. I never have to question how he feels about me. It’s the best thing.
Tunji: I can’t even compare Ezinne to any of the women from my past, but I can say how I’ve changed. I’ve gotten wiser, and I now know how to appreciate and accommodate a lot more in relationships.
Ezinne: This question is making me smile because, for the first time in years, I’m excited about the future. I look forward to us having a beautiful family, great jobs, a nice house and premium nacks. Yes. I’m ready to unleash the dragon in the bedroom.
Tunji: LMAO. We hope to build a godly home where friendship, trust and respect are the top priority; where we can raise godly children and be of great support to those around us.
Tunji: I love so many things about Ezinne, but let me try picking a few. For starters, she’s God-fearing — she has an unmistakable fire for the things of God. She’s also a go-getter. I just love how driven and passionate she is about her desires.
Ezinne: He is the kindest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. This isn’t even about how good he is to me, it’s about how kind he is to those around him. He cares about helping others.
He is also a hard worker. He is so dedicated to his students, and even though teaching isn’t the job he envisioned for himself, he still gives it his all. That’s why I know I’m marrying the right person. He doesn’t let his frustrations weigh him down.
He is also my biggest cheerleader. Honestly, I don’t know how I got so lucky.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 32-year-old gay man who stopped keeping track of his body count once it crossed 300. He talks about his inability to sleep with anyone more than once and how this has affected his love life.
My first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. I was six when my uncle who came to live with us started molesting me. He swore he would kill me and my entire family if I ever told anyone. This continued for three more years until he moved out.
Then when I was 12, my best friend’s house girl began molesting both of us. She would make one of us touch her and tell the other person to kiss her. This lasted for about two years before his family left Lagos.
It was actually with my best friend. We used to make out and dry hump each other when I was 11. That’s why his housegirl started molesting us. She caught us kissing and threatened to report to our parents if we didn’t do what she said.
My best friend and I never kissed again.
I’m pretty sure I made out with every single boy on my street. Whenever someone suggested that we play “Hide and Seek”, I knew they wanted to kiss me. We would look for a place to hide and make out until we heard footsteps. It was a lot of fun.
This might sound ridiculous, but I kind of always knew. I made out with my fair share of girls while growing up, but I never felt anything. I had my first-ever crush on a boy in Primary 1.
I even remember begging my parents to send me to an all-boys boarding school because of all the gist I used to hear, but they refused. I know I would have been the school whore if they had agreed.
I was 16. It was with a guy I had been chatting with on Facebook for months. He was really good-looking, and I was convinced I was in love with him. He lived in a different city, but after a lot of begging, he came down to Lagos to see me.
It wasn’t great. Neither of us knew what we were doing. Right after we finished, I wanted him to leave. I figured my sudden disgust was because of how forgettable the sex turned out to be.
Immediately he left, I blocked him everywhere.
I went back on Facebook to find another guy. This time, I found someone who lived in Lagos. After a few weeks of chatting, we met up and had sex. The sex was a lot better this time, but immediately I came, I felt the same level of disgust I did with the first guy.
Let’s just say by the time I turned 20, I had slept with about 40 guys. It was the same issue with every single one of them: I would be into them during the talking stage, but once we had sex, their presence would begin to repulse me.
It’s like you’re not understanding me. Once I’ve slept with someone, my penis will REFUSE to get hard for them ever again. I’ve tried multiple times, but it doesn’t work. My brain can no longer see them as attractive.
I have no idea. My friends think I do it so I can brag, but I swear, I don’t. I wish my brain reacted differently to sex. I’ve had to free so many amazing guys because my attraction disappeared right after we fucked. Does that sound like fun?
I’ve stopped trying to date, but it used to be tough. Whenever I met a guy I liked, I would try to avoid having sex for as long as possible. Even when I tried to explain my condition to them, they would assume it was bants.
I’ve only ever had one proper relationship, and it only lasted as long as it did because the guy is a “side” — a gay man who isn’t into any form of anal sex. So, we never had penetrative sex, and I never had to worry about getting repulsed by him.
Everything else. Making out, oral sex, hand jobs and eating ass.
A little over a year. He was also cool with me sleeping with other men. I think he didn’t care because he knew I’d never want to see them after we were done, so he had nothing to worry about.
He had to leave the country, and we both agreed that long-distance never works.
It’s still active, but I’ve stopped keeping track of the number of people I’ve slept with. I stopped counting at around 300 because I started feeling a bit gross. If you tell me it has now passed 600, I wouldn’t even be a little surprised.
My brain doesn’t, but I think my penis does. I remember seeing a really handsome guy at a wedding. He was totally my type, but I wasn’t attracted to him at all. We later bumped into each other, and he reminded me that we’d hooked up some years back.
These days, I just want to fuck without talking too much. I don’t see the point in getting to know anything tangible about the person when I will lose interest right after sex. That seems like a waste of both our times.
Have you met men? On any gay dating app, you’ll find plenty looking for meaningless sex too. Those are the ones I like. When a guy starts asking me unnecessary questions like my name or occupation, I block him. No time. I’m not there for a job interview.
I don’t think it’s fixable. I’ve come to accept that my wires are crossed.
I already know what the therapist will say. They will blame it on what happened to me as a kid, but how is that helpful? Will they go back in time and stop my uncle and that house girl from molesting me? Nope. So, why should I waste my money?
Let’s just free that one, abeg.
I sleep with at least two new people every week. I’m always looking for someone new on one app or the other. That can be a little hard sometimes because I’ve slept with and blocked most of the men on there.
Not always, but for the most part, it ranges from good to great. Sometimes, I hook up with a guy that knows his work, and I immediately become sad because I know I won’t be able to fuck him again.
I use condoms about 95% of the time. I also get tested every three months. The last time I checked, I’m still STD free. I won’t lie, condom sex isn’t as sweet, but since I can’t have a steady partner, I don’t have much of a choice.
I’ll give it a 0. I’m having a lot of great sex, but I feel like a prisoner to my own desires. Thankfully, I noticed that my sex drive has been reducing with age, so I’m hoping it will continue until I no longer crave sex.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
*David, 27, and *Ebuka, 25, have been together for a year and a half. For today’s Love Life, they talk about living together, proving naysayers wrong and having to keep their relationship a secret.
David: My earliest memory of Ebuka is seeing his dance videos on Facebook back in 2013. I watched and downloaded every single video he uploaded. I can’t dance to save my life, so I’m captivated by people who can.
Ebuka: It has to be right after we exchanged numbers in 2015. I found out that he sends “Happy Sunday” messages to all his contacts, complete with motivational quotes to help get them through the week. That level of thoughtfulness won me over.
I began expecting the messages every week, and whenever it didn’t come in, I would check to see if he was okay. I later found out they cost him around ₦2,000 to send every Sunday. That told me all I needed to know about his character.
David: I remember it like it was yesterday. We started properly texting in 2018, but our first meeting was totally unplanned. I was finishing up an errand, and it turned out he was visiting his cousins around the same area, so we decided to meet.
We spoke for hours, and it was nice. I still have the pictures we took that day. I remember posting one of them on my status, and a friend said we made a cute couple. I just laughed because we weren’t even close to discussing that yet.
Ebuka: I remember everything he wore: a pink polo, blue jeans, a face cap and a knapsack. He never goes anywhere without his knapsack. I remember thinking he was even cuter in person, and I loved the way he walked and talked. He was so graceful.
David: It was a couple of months after we met. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I had lost my job around that time, and he kept checking up on me. He would consistently send me job listings to look through.
Do you know the craziest thing? I was in a relationship at the time, but my boyfriend couldn’t care less about my struggles. I love buying gifts for the men I like, but I had nothing at this point.
Unlike my boyfriend, Ebuka cared about me for me, not what I could give him.
Well, officially, I was in a relationship, but it had technically ended. We were holding on to that last thread of hope, trying to see if things would get better. It never did. So, before I asked Ebuka out, I texted him to officially end things.
In fact, my former relationship was so bad that we hadn’t texted each other in six months before the breakup. It’s like we were waiting to see who would take the step to end things. I don’t think you can call that a relationship.
I didn’t know he was still in a relationship. I asked him if that chapter of his life was done, and he said it was. I wasn’t as upset when I found out it was still ongoing because of how distant they clearly were.
We were getting a lot more serious, and he was coming to my place every weekend. So, I decided to give him a key to my apartment. There was also this nice ring I had, and I gave that to him too.
Funnily enough, we still weren’t official at this point.
David: LMAO. You have to open your mouth and ask for it to be official, biko. One night in June 2019, I finally sat him down and asked if he wanted us to be boyfriends, and he said yes. That was it.
Ebuka: It actually wasn’t that simple. I had heard some worrying things about him, and I needed to straighten them out. That night, we had a very long conversation, and after he was able to convince me that he’d changed, I was ready to be with him.
David: It was based on my reputation back then. I used to be everywhere, jumping from men to men, so no one thought I was relationship material. One of Ebuka’s best friends was someone I had hooked up with, so he told him I only wanted to fuck and run.
He wasn’t the only one that told Ebuka not to date me. Even people I thought were cool with me went behind my back to warn him about me. He heard this from so many people; I guess it freaked him out.
Ebuka: Yeah. When I told my best friend about my feelings for David, he told me not to bother because he wasn’t the committed type and whatever we had was going to be fleeting. I needed to clear things up and make sure I wasn’t wasting my time.
Ebuka: He explained he wasn’t committed to any of those guys. All of them knew what they were getting into. He never claimed to be in love with any of them; it was all about sex.
David: I told him my feelings for him were different. I wanted to build something real with him. So, I made a choice to be very intentional about this relationship, and thankfully, I’ve spent the past year shaming all the naysayers.
Ebuka: We haven’t had any major fight yet, just little disagreements. They are mostly about me not being vocal about my opinions. I’m not exactly an open book, so I tend to keep things bottled up inside until they come out in an ugly way.
So, David has been teaching me to open up immediately I feel uncomfortable.
David: Ebuka is the kind of person who won’t say anything even if the house is burning, but you will see the discomfort plastered on his face. I have to guess, and I always go with the worst-case scenarios. Thankfully, he has gotten better.
Ebuka: In my past relationship, I was with someone much older than me. To him, that meant I had to be submissive. Anytime I tried to bring up something I didn’t like, he would gaslight me. Then I would have to apologise for “overreacting”.
It eventually got too toxic, and I had to leave. With David, even though he is older than me, he actually cares about me sharing my thoughts and feelings. That’s all very new to me, and I’m still getting used to it.
I feel so comfortable with him because whenever I bring up an issue, he listens, acknowledges his faults and tries to do better. It’s an amazing quality. It’s exactly what a relationship should be like.
David: Our relationship feels a lot different than my last two. It’s the first time I want to be intentional about not just my words but my actions as well. I don’t want to fuck this up.
Ebuka: It’s quite draining. We can’t express our love for each other out in the open. We can’t even risk holding each other’s hands. Sometimes, I feel like I’m betraying my love for him because I can’t say it out loud, but what more can we do?
We just have to keep reminding ourselves that we love each other.
David: Honestly, it’s very hard. Everything seems set up to work against us. We can’t do PDA or even look at each other in a certain way in public. I especially hate that I have to introduce Ebuka as my roommate or best friend or “bro”, not my boyfriend.
In public, all we can do is shake hands and hug awkwardly. When we go on dates, we have to be extremely conscious of our surroundings. We can never tell if we’ll be dealing with violent homophobes or the ones that will just make snide remarks.
Being Nigerian is hard. Being gay in Nigeria is harder. Being an effeminate gay man in Nigeria is the hardest of them all. Honestly, the goal is to japa because it’s going to take a while for things to get better, and I don’t want us to wait that long.
David: We’ve talked about getting married and having kids, but we haven’t started making concrete plans yet. It’s definitely something I feel strongly about. I grew up in a house filled with kids, so I really love them, and I want as many as possible.
Before I even knew I was gay, I always planned to adopt as many kids as possible.
Ebuka: I’ve always loved the idea of marriage, especially the dedication and responsibility that comes with that kind of commitment. David and I practically live like a married couple already, so once we leave this country, it feels inevitable.
I also want to have kids, but only two. So David and I will have to discuss that.
David: We’ve been living together for over a year now, and while it has its occasional ups and downs, it’s been fun. I get to have Ebuka with me all the time, and I’ve learnt so much about him.
Like, I know he is a light sleeper, a terrible soup maker and a total bed hog. He sleeps in the middle of the bed, and I have to manage the edge. All in all, it’s been good, and I’d totally recommend it for other couples.
Ebuka: LMAO. It’s been an experience. I understand him a lot better now. I know his limits and his triggers, and it’s helped our relationship. It’s a learning process, but I also recommend it.
David: It’s great having someone that will always have your back no matter what, and that’s Ebuka for me. He is dependable and consistent. With him, I always feel at peace. He is truly the complete package.
Ebuka: For me, it’s our openness and capacity to communicate. We know everything about each other — the good and the bad. We trust each other, and that is the foundation of our relationship.
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For reasons she refuses to disclose, Itohan googled a bunch of sex positions and then decided to rename eight of them. From ‘Upside down Ojuelegba spinner’ to ‘Balling like Bola’, the new names are all wonderfully hilarious.
Read them here.
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Read it here.
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Read everything here.
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Read them here.
Don’t ask me why, but I wrote a post imagining what famous Nigerian meals would say if they were in the dating scene. How kinky would they be in bed and how would they turn down people they didn’t like?
Find out here.