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There’s Mariam Webster’s dictionary that teaches us the meaning of English words, and there’s the Urban dictionary that teaches slang meanings. But what about a dictionary that teaches us Nigerianisms? In honour of international dictionary day, here are seven dictionaries that we need as Nigerians.
Japa dictionary
I need this dictionary to know the difference between a personal statement and a statement of purpose. I’m sure I’m not the only one confused. Also, this dictionary would tell us important words to say and not say in scholarship essays and visa interviews. This information already exists out there, but it needs to be all in one place so we can stop opening one hundred tabs simultaneously on our web browsers.
A Nigerian parents dictionary
This dictionary teaches children that when Nigerian parents call you “idiot”, they mean they love you, even though you’re being foolish. And when your Nigerian father says, “Come and join me to eat”, he’s saying he cares for you.
Corporate dictionary
You need this dictionary for when you want to tell your boss you can’t handle any more work and they should leave you the fuck alone, in the most professional way possible.
From this dictionary, you’ll learn that when a Nigerian man says, “You’re the only woman I care about”, he’s leaving out the words “at the moment” from the sentence.
Relationship dictionary
So you’ll know that when your partner says, “No, I’m not hungry” it means you should buy extra food; if not, they will eat yours.
Fashion dictionary
It would help if you had this dictionary so that when your tailor says “Next week,” you’ll know they mean next month. And when they say, “Yes, of course, I can sew this style,” they’re saying, “You made mistake by bringing this style to me, but oh well, I’ll collect your money.” This dictionary will also come in handy for fashion-illiterate people like me who don’t know things like “haute couture”, “in-seam”, “RTW”, etc.
There’s a generic type of Nigerian street smart you have to be, whether you live in Lagos, Kano or Abeokuta. If you’re not wise, someone will scam you by charging you ₦200k for National Identification Number(NIN) registration before you know it. That’s where this dictionary comes in handy. So you’ll know that “pepper don set” means money has come, and they’re about to use you to make money.
Our servers would be GenZs, and if we tried to tell them to wear uniforms, they wouldn’t answer us. The most they’d allow is name tags that also have their pronouns. Because you shall not misgender. If you saw someone wearing fishnets and a bucket hat, asking you what you’d like to eat, don’t be afraid, they’re a waiter.
Menus would be quizzes
The menus would be bar codes. Once scanned, you’d have to take a random trivia quiz to access the menu. If you got below five, no food for you.
You’d get the utmost fine dining experience. We’d serve meals like Eba et ketchup, Ice cream and plantain, Indonesian noodles avec okra, etc.
Foods would be named after gen-z terms
We’d have names like “Purr” for catfish and potatoes. You’d also see food named “It’s giving Nigerian babe” for seafood pasta, and “I stan”: the goated meal that is amala.
Waiters would talk to you like they’re interviewing you
Waiters wouldn’t just walk up to you, say hi and ask for your order. They’d ask follow-up questions concerning your life, your meal choice, when you come to the restaurant etc. They’d even ask you to rate your love life on a scal of 1 – 10 Because there may be a story there, and we’d write it.
There’d be sections named according to flagships
There’d be different seating areas in the restaurants named according to Zikoko Flagships: Naira Life for fine dining, Love Life for dates, Man Like for geez who just want to hang out after work, What She Said for the hot gurls, Sunken Ships for ex-friends trying to reconnect or gain closure, etc. And they would all have their unique attributes.
You’d do a TikTok dance before we let you you enter
At Zikoko, we value entertainment and fun. That’s why before you’d gain entry into our fine establishment, you’d be made to record a TikTok dance with our staff. We promise it’d be fun.
When you ask people what superpower they’d like to have, they always say things like invisibility, mind-reading or flight abilities. I don’t get it. You have the opportunity to choose any superpower in the world, and you choose things like shape-shifting?
I’m here to tell you that these are the powers you should actually be wishing for.
Power to make dirty plates disappear from the sink
I can’t be the only one that hates washing plates. Imagine being able to snap your fingers and make all the pots and plates in your sink disappear. Do you know how useful this power would be when you have many visitors in your family house? You can even add the ability to be able to clean up your apartment without lifting a finger.
Power to automatically get a job once you speak to the interviewer
Job interviews are the actual ghetto. You have to prove your skills and experience by putting in a lot of work to convince someone why they should hire you. Don’t you wish you could just walk into a job interview and get the job by just smiling at the employer?
Power to make people not ask you for money
People are always complaining about being billed by friends, family and other random people. Now wouldn’t you want the power to make that stop? Imagine that when someone texts you, you’ll have the ability to sense if they’re about to bill you or not. And if they are, you’ll have the superpower to make them resist the urge to do so.
When people text you, you’ll have the superpower to make them have the urge to send you money. Too many people would want this power, so there’d need to be eligibility criteria for this one. For example, you must have less than ₦10k in all your bank accounts.
Power to always have light
Imagine a life you didn’t need to have to do the on-and-off dance with NEPA, and you’ll never need a generator or solar inverter.
Power to make your boss forget you once work closes
Some Nigerian bosses don’t understand work-life balance, so they feel they can text their employees outside of work hours. That’s why there should be some magic you can do that’ll make you erase your name from your boss’ head the moment work closes.
Power to make food from your dream appear in real life
Is it me, or does the food we see in our dreams look better than what we eat in the real world? It’s only in my dream that I get to eat seafood penne pasta made in Italy. The power to move the food from my dream into the real world would be incredible. Shebi the problem is only when you eat in your dream an?
Power to unsubscribe from spam emails
All you would have to do is just type “unsubscribe” in the search box of your inbox. And you’ll be unsubscribed from all the spam in the world. If you’re an adult with an email address, you should be looking for where you can get this power from.
Power to tell your Nigerian mother to shut up
We don’t exactly need special power to do this. What we need is the power that will stop your mother from killing you after you’ve told her to shut up. That way, you’ll be able to fight with her and say anything you want.
We don’t talk about this often, but one of the things that make relationships stressful is running out of things to say to your partner. When you speak to a particular person every day for many hours, there’s the tendency that you may run out of things to say. It’s even worse if you live together.
When that happens, this is what to do:
Talk about Mercury retrograde, and when it’s coming back
Mercury is constantly moving around. If you’re looking for what to talk about, ask your partner when you think it’s coming back. And why it can’t seem to stay in one place.
Ask them what would happen if you became a cockroach
See, it’s essential to know these things before you turn into a cockroach one day and they dump you. Bring it up now and find out if the love is real.
Don’t talk
Just enjoy the silence. They say if you can’t sit with your partner in silence, the relationship won’t last (I don’t know who said it, don’t ask me). If you’ve run out of things to say to each other, just don’t talk for a few days.
If you and your partner no longer have things to discuss, the relationship has expired; the battery has died. Ghost them and move on to the next one. There’s no time to waste time, please.
Ask for the password to their phone
This is a very interesting conversation starter. Because the next thing they’ll likely say after you ask is, “Why?” And that’s how argument will start. Except you have a normal trusting relationship where your partner has nothing to hide. Then you’re back to not having anything to talk about.
Take Zikoko quizzes together
In fact, this should have been number one because so many conversations can arise from taking Zikoko quizzes. Imagine taking a quiz about who cheats in the relationship. That’s bound to start an exciting discussion.
Apparently, “Have you eaten?” is a steady conversation saver. It’s the second to the last thing you bring up before you start talking about the weather.
Talk about other people’s relationships
If there’s one thing that brings friends and couples together, it’s gossip. Talk about other couples and maybe include how their relationship isn’t as good as yours. That may not be true, but at least it has gotten you and your partner talking.
You and the girls have been planning that group trip for almost three years, and it still hasn’t gone beyond the group chat. Do the things I’ve mentioned below, and I promise, you girls will be on the next flight to your dream destination by the end of the week.
Fast and pray
Forces are clearly against you, and that’s why this trip hasn’t happened. To make it happen, you must invoke spiritual powers bigger than you. Everyone needs to come together and ask for the spirit of execution.
Buy flight tickets
Start planning your girls’ trip by deciding on a destination, picking a travel date, and then paying for the flight. By the time everyone buys flight tickets, there’s no turning back.
Go out and enter the traffic
When traffic shows you people small pepper, you’ll remember that there’s an option to be chilling in the Maldives.
African parents are the only people in this world who can get you to do things you don’t want or don’t need to do. Just look at how they forced us to do house chores as kids. Let them use that energy to force you to go on the trip. If each girl gets their parents involved, all of you will be sipping coconut juice on a Jamaican beach by weekend.
Open Instagram
You and your girls need a little bit of oppression from the Instagram babes travelling everywhere and living their best lives. Maybe just then, you people will sit up. Don’t you want to post your own reel of you and the girls partying on a yacht in Mauritius?
Forget about the girls’ trip and make it a solo trip instead. My mother will tell you that you should stop allowing people to hold your destiny. It’s not that deep, but you get what she means. Also, your friends may take it seriously when they see one person living their dreams.
Become friends with travel influencers
Travel influencers are always ready to travel because that’s literally where their money comes from. They won’t spend too much time planning because they’re excited to start creating content as soon as possible.
Ladies, a man asks you out on a date, and you say yes. He tells you the location, and it’s one of those fancy restaurants where the price of the food is higher than your salary. The day of the date comes, you meet, eat and have a great time pretending to care about each other’s hobbies and favourite colours. But before the bill comes, he says, “Should I pay, then you transfer your half to me? Or do we both pay separately?”
You look at him, confused for a few seconds, until it hits you that this oloriburuku has asked you to split the bill with him at the last possible moment. Here are different options for the next step to take.
Call boys to beat him
Step out intto the streets and call agberos to use charger cord to wipe his neck. That audacity he used to open his mouth to ask you to split the bill needs to be beaten out of him. Maybe he’ll come back to his senses.
Ask him if he’s okay
You need to genuinely ask, just in case something happened to him during the date that made him utter such a statement. Maybe a spirit entered his body and possessed him, and that spirit asked you to split the bill. If that’s the case, carry your bag and run. But put him in your prayers.
Fake faint
Just fall down and don’t wake up till they rush you to the hospital. By that time, everyone would have even forgotten about any bill. And even if they remembered, they’d feel too guilty to ask the person lying in a hospital bed.
Act like you didn’t hear what he just said, stand up and walk out of the restaurant. What can he do? If he runs after you, tell security to hold him, that he’s trying to escape payment.
Create a scene
Stand up and shout, “You’re asking me to split the bill even though you invited me out on the date? Who does that?” The level of embarrassment he’ll face will make him pay the bill, and he’ll most likely never try such a thing again.
Ask for gloves to wash plate
Since he clearly doesn’t have the money to pay for the entire meal, let him wash plates. Call one of the servers and ask them to give him gloves so he can work to pay off the meal. Then wish him luck and be on your merry way.
Begin to act like you’re confused about where you are and how you got there. Ask him who he is and why you’re sitting across from him. If he tells you to behave yourself, tell him you don’t appreciate being spoken to like that by a stranger. Then stand up and storm off.
Say your bank is having problems
You can try the popular trick people use. Just say you forgot your card at home, that he should pay and you’ll transfer to him. If he asks you to send the money before he pays, pretend like you actually want to make the transfer, then say your bank app is having problems, and you’ll try later.
Call the police
The people of Twitter have suggested that if all else fails, call the police. Because asking someone to split the bill when you’re the one who invited them out has to be a crime. It should be in the constitution somewhere.
GenZs hardly ever like anything or anybody, including their (millennial) siblings. They don’t think you’re cool or woke, so they don’t like you. If you have a GenZ sibling, let me tell you how to get on their good side. I’m speaking from experience.
Record TikTok videos with them
You’ll have to sacrifice your millennial hips to do their trendy TikTok dances with them. Maybe they’ll pity you and give you the less complicated ones.
Don’t comment on any of their social media accounts
You’re lucky that they allow you to follow them on social media sef, so don’t ruin it. Just look and pass when you see their posts. Hold yourself from dropping that “funny” comment. They’ll block you.
Stay away from their love life
I know you want to ask a million questions about that person your sibling is always video calling, but don’t. Don’t try to do, “I’m your older sibling. I need to protect you from people.” Just face front and mind your business. They’ll eventually tell you if they want to.
Gen Z fashuonz is very unique. You may not understand what your sibling is wearing, or why, but don’t say anything. If not, they’ll drag you by saying “Okay boomer”. If you want them to like you, again, mind your business.
At least try to listen to their music
It’s time to go and download trap and alté music onto your phone. Quick tip: trap musicians usually have “Lil” at the beginning of their names or “Baby” at the end.
Learn their vocabulary
You need to know when to say insert GenZ lingo like “purr”, “period” and “it’s giving…” during the conversation. If not, they’ll think you’re boring and won’t like giving you gist.
If there’s one thing GenZs always do is look for where to charge their phone and ask for WiFi. Once you allow them to connect to your hotspot, you become their favourite person.
Don’t call them too much
They don’t really like calls; they prefer texts. If you call them too much, you may get blocked. I’m not joking, this generation is brutal.
Send them money
In fact, if you don’t do anything else on this list, do this one consistently. They’ll love you for life.
For the days you can’t cook, don’t have money or you’re just looking for something to snack on, here’s a list of foods you can eat raw.
Indomie
When watching series or movies, instead of plantain chips or popcorn, snack on Indomie. Don’t eat too much sha cause processed noodles are high in sodium. But believe me when I tell you that raw Indomie bangs.
Ponmo
My colleague, Bolu casually mentioned that people eat ponmo raw. And honestly, that makes sense to me because I don’t see the difference between raw and cooked ponmo; they’re both hard, except for the few that have been cooked properly until they’re soft.
Spaghetti
You know that thing people do when they cook spaghetti? Where they take a small bite of one raw strand before putting everything in the pot? Yep. If you can do that — don’t lie, you’ve done it before — you can eat a whole pack of raw spaghetti.
Raw ripe plantain tastes like banana. And if you’re trying to eat healthy and avoid fried foods, just eat your jollof rice with raw plantain. Trust me, it slaps either way, raw or dodo.
Okra
I’m not even joking, okra is actually a vegetable that can be eaten raw, as long as it’s clean. I researched and found out that it’s even safer to eat okra raw.
Ata rodo
You may feel like all your insides are burning, but you can definitely eat fresh pepper raw. Eating raw ata rodo is an excellent way to activate your tastebuds. Try it one day when you’re bored.
Eggs
Fitness people take raw eggs a lot, so nobody should look at me like it’s not normal. But it doesn’t have any health benefits compared to cooked eggs, so I don’t know why they do it
Corn
I wrote an article about what people ate in boarding school, and someone mentioned raw corn. Let it not be that I’m a crazy person for saying it; people actually eat raw corn, especially the juicy ones.
Your partner
At least I can confidently say with my full chest that you’ll like this one.
Abeg, who else is tired of playing drinking games on game nights? Any small thing, “Take a shot if…” Please, let’s do something else. What happened to playing games involving food?
Try these nine food games, and I promise you that your game nights will never remain the same.
Make smooth pap
If you can make smooth pap, you should add it to your CV because it’s a skill for days. This game involves two people making pap the way they know how. Whoever comes out with the smoothest pap wins. Good luck with that.
Pour all the pepper you can imagine inside a pot of Indomie. People win if anyone can finish their plate of Indomie without doing “ooootsss aaah” (you know the sound I’m talking about) or drinking water in the first five minutes. Sorry to your toilet sha.
Food pictionary
Write down as many words related to food as possible in small pieces of paper then put them in a bowl. People will pick a word from the bowl and try to draw it on a board for other people to guess within a limited time. The group with the highest right answers wins. Good luck trying to draw ponmo.
This game involves being blindfolded and fed all the proteins you can possibly imagine. You’ll have to guess what animal you’re eating and the body part to win. Hope you’re comfortable eating bull testicles.
A straightforward game. The first person to transfer their rice from one bowl to another, using chopsticks, wins. You have to be very smart with this one.
Food spelling bee
Some of you need to be taken back to school because you don’t know how to spell, and this game will expose you. People will be given words to spell, and if they get them wrong, they must try out whatever weird food combination the game master has put together.
The contestants will be given one minute to list the instructions on how to cook a popular food. The person with the correct instructions or something closest to it wins. The loser has to pay a fine for not knowing how to cook. Because clearly they’re rich enough to buy food or hire a chef.
Dare or dare: food edition
Dare the players to eat plain atarodo without drinking water, eba and ketchup, a teaspoon of salt, fish eggs, hold a dead chicken head, you name it. The host has to be as creative as possible.
As the guests enter the venue, the host will make them write their names on paper and guess the number of chin-chin they think is in a jar. Towards the end, the host reveals whose number was the closest, and the person wins a prize. Wahala for the person who has to count the chin-chin at the beginning sha.
Rihanna posts a picture holding a football, and everyone thinks she’s performing at the Superbowl. I’m surprised you guys have this much faith in her. Have you people learnt nothing from Mummy Fenty?
I don’t think she’s coming to perform at the Superbowl. I think she’s coming to do one of these nine things.
Fenty football club
If there can be Fenty skin and makeup, why can’t there be a Fenty FC? Best believe Riri bought a football club, and they’ll compete at the Superbowl. There’s nothing our dear business mogul can’t do.
Makeup tutorials
You’ll get to the Superbowl and see Rihanna standing on the stage, giving everyone makeup and skincare tips. Everyone will have Fenty Beauty goody bags beneath their seats, and they’ll get to practice as she speaks.
Fenty Sports
She may be coming to announce her new sweat-proof makeup line specifically for sports players. She wants them to look sexy as they play. Maybe she’s even producing the Fenty FC uniforms.
Yes, she’s singing, but who says she’ll sing her own music? She’ll get on stage, sing the national anthem and get off. We’ll take whatever we get sha.
She’ll announce the album coming and say sike
Rihanna has been promising us this album for the last six years, and we still have nothing. I feel like she’ll come on stage, announce that the album is ready and she wants to play it for us, then say “sike” and sing Umbrella.
She’s coming to show off her son
We haven’t seen Baby Fenty since he was born. And because Mummy Fenty knows how much we want to see the baby, she’s decided to show him off at one of the biggest sports events in the world. She’s a billionaire; she can do whatever she wants.
She’s marrying ASAP on stage
There’s a chance Rihanna wants to use the Superbowl as her wedding venue. We don’t know why she would do that, but it’s possible.
She’s coming to tell everyone to shut up about the album
People have been asking my babe about the album, and she’s tired. I’m sure she’s getting on the Superbowl stage to tell everyone to shut the fuck up and drop the album talk. She’ll tell us that the album is never coming, and everyone should buy Fenty cutlery.
She’ll announce that she’s running for president in 2027
After becoming a successful business mogul who’s now a billionaire, the next best thing is for her to become president of the United States. I mean, what else is left?
We’ve discussed some topics on Twitter since the first time Buhari ran Nigeria — as head of state. Are we not tired? It’s time to put the following Twitter topics to rest.
Where to press toothpaste from
Let everyone just buy their individual toothpaste so we can rest.
Who is the music GOAT
There’s no day people don’t bring up Wizkid vs Davido or who is the ultimate GOAT between the big four(Olamide, Wizkid, Burna and Davido). How about you work on how you can become the GOAT in your life? Or maybe just enjoy music without comparing.
Who should cook and clean in a relationship
I can’t believe this topic still comes up in 2022. If grown adults can’t decide how to handle chores in their homes, leave them alone. You shouldn’t waste time going back and forth with people like that. If we all don’t say anything to them when this topic comes up, maybe it’ll finally die.
Someone is always trying to decide between travelling abroad for school/work and staying back with their partner who has threatened to end the relationship if they go. The correct answer will always be for you to carry your luggage out of that relationship and into the abroad. Now, nobody should ask us again.
Who is spending what on dates
If you like someone and want to get to know them, you take them out on a date. Simple and short. How much you spend on the date is based on what you can afford. If they don’t like what you can afford, move on. Now that I’ve solved this problem, can this topic not be brought up on Twitter again?
Dinner with Jay-Z
I want to erase all the versions of this question. This scenario you people enjoy so much will never happen; nobody will be asked to choose between millions of dollars and dinner with a celebrity. Please, rest.
Who should sit in the back seat of the car between your mother and girlfriend?
For peace to reign, let the mother and girlfriend do rock, paper, scissors. The winner gets the front seat.
I’m tired of people complaining about overpriced trash food in Nigerian restaurants. Lagos restaurants, especially, will charge you ₦50k for one spoon of rice, all in the name of fine dining. The topic comes up every three months. By now, people should be well aware they’ll likely spend a lot of money on food in Nigerian restaurants.
How women nowadays are different from our mothers
The men always complaining about this should go and date their mothers so we can hear word. Every five seconds, “Women of nowadays aren’t as prayerful and hardworking as our mothers were.” Pele, you’ll be fine.
Everyone cheating
Most times, this topic comes up when someone has chopped breakfast. Then you’ll see, “All Nigerian men do is lie and cheat.” Then an argument starts about who cheats more between men and women. Everyone is cheating. Please, don’t be afraid to do your own.
People abroad telling Nigerians not to come
The most annoying recurrent tweets I never want to see again are the ones from Nigerians abroad, telling us in Nigeria not to come over. “Dear Nigerians coming to Canada, there’s nothing great about living here…” If you don’t shut up your dirty mouth! Come back now if it’s not great.
Japa, if you can
Every time something terrible happens in Nigeria, the Japa warriors come out to remind us to leave the country. As if all you have to do is go to the airport and enter plane. Please, everyone should behave themselves and not bring up this topic again.
People who don’t like a particular food always feel the need to tweet that it’s trash. And na so fight dey start. Please, can we all just accept we all have different tastes when it comes to food? So that this argument can rest.
Private vs public universities
One type of uni (the religious ones especially) treats grown adults like children by putting them under foolish strict rules. The other type delays students from graduating on time due to staff strikes. Neither private nor public universities are great. Know this, and stop arguing, for God’s sake.
Who should submit to who
Submit to yourself, please.
Abuja vs Lagos
Lagos and Abuja people won’t allow somebody hear word. As long as you’re living in Nigeria, there’s nothing much to brag about; we’re all in the ghetto. I’m adding the island vs mainland argument to this too.
What’s a red flag?
If I see that stupid red flag emoji again, I’ll fight. I believe all the red flags have been stated since this topic emerged three years ago. Can we stop now?
Apparently, everyone wants to be a baller and not a mechanic. I’m here to tell you how you can do that. But first, I need people to understand mechanics are actually ballers. Especially during the rainy season when the floods destroy people’s cars. They’re eating good. Hmmm, maybe I do want to be a mechanic?
Anyway, since it’s just a baller you want to be, here’s what you need to do:
Beg your village people
You may be destined to be a baller, but your village people are holding you back. You must travel to the village to appease them so they can set you free. Only then can your true calling be fulfilled.
Become a wedding vendor
Wedding vendors enjoy life the most. Makeup artists charge ₦250k for bridal makeup, and you think they’re not balling? Do you know the number of people that get married throughout the year? Whether it’s the DJ or baker… as long as they provide services for weddings, they’re ballers. This is your secret.
Date or be a Nigerian woman
Nigerian women have money, let me just tell you. They’re the real ballers. If they tell you they don’t have money, they’re lying. If you’re not a Nigerian woman, then date one.
It’s not your daily 9-5 salary that’ll make you a baller, let’s not lie. The way for you to enjoy life properly is to get a sugar daddy who doesn’t have anything to do with their money. The type who’ll send you to the Maldives when you complain about stress.
Become a footballer
Footballers are literal ballers. They kick around a ball on the pitch and get paid a lot of money for it. They’re balling on and off the pitch.
Be born to generational wealth
Yes, you need to be born again. I don’t know how that’ll happen; you decide which way you want to go back. But when you meet the angel who assigns people to families, make sure you find a way for them to put you with a family with generational wealth. If that doesn’t work, an easier way is to find a family yourself and beg them to adopt you. Or you can marry into the family.
Become a tech bro
Everybody knows tech bros are balling hard. Just become one of them, and you’re good to go, as long as you understand UI/UK and snake programming language. We don’t know how long it’ll take for your balling money to come sha o.
Behave like a baller
What’s that thing people like to do again? Fake it till they make it, exactly. That’s what you need to do. If you act like whatever your definition of a baller is, you’ll become one before you know it.
Become a Nigerian politician
Our politicians are the ogas of the ballers sef. How many ballers have over ten cars like our dear Senator Dino Melaye? You can become a Nigerian politician and ball without even stealing money.
Become a mechanic
With the kind of roads we have in Nigeria, mechanics are actually the ones balling. As you read this, I’m sure someone somewhere has just called their mechanic to complain about their carburetor.
Between work, traffic and Nigeria just Nigeria-ing, everybody is tired. They’re also hungry but would like to eat without having to cook for 45 minutes to an hour when they return from work. What’s that thing Fireboy said again? “There’s no time. There’s no energy.” Exactly. And that’s why I’ve listed seven quick recipes you can cook for dinner in under 20 minutes. With these recipes, you don’t have to do too much or get too many ingredients.
This is the traditional “There’s nothing to eat” meal Nigerians cook when there are very few ingredients in the house. Most people cook this by throwing whatever they find in the pot. But if you need a recipe to follow, I’m here for you.
Before you slander this combination, note it’s basically a beef sandwich but beef suya instead. To make it better, use agege bread. ₦500 suya plus ₦150 agege bread, and you’re good to go. Spread some butter or mayo inside (you won’t regret it). For extra oomph, add a sunny-side-up egg.
Try this if you’re tired of eating your Indomie and egg the same way every time. Mix everything together and fry at once(after cooking your Indomie, of course). It slaps, I promise.
The fastes go-to for spaghetti is usually to pair it with stew. But I need us to move forward in life. The recipe below can get addictive just by how quick and easy it is to cook. I introduced it to my friend, a Nigerian bachelor who hates cooking, and he made it every day for one week straight. Don’t be as extreme as him though.
A faster and cheaper way to cook fried rice. The link below offers two recipes: one with few ingredients, while the other has some extras like soy sauce and mixed vegetables. Choose which one to make depending on your time, money and energy.
Are you the funny friend in the group like Falz? Like BNXN, who’s confident and has a great work ethic? Or maybe you’re as fun as DJ T-Garbs, or as creative as Zoro.
Take this quiz to find out
Before coming into the Big Brother house, all the housemates told us in videos what they would do on the show. They made all these promises about bringing drama and entertainment. Have they kept their word? Let’s see.
Allysyn
Sigh. Wakanda babe just entered the house and disappeared after she told us, “I’m going to blow up in the house by being 100% myself because I’m unique.” Abeg, what is unique about barely contributing to any conversation or being involved in the house?
In most of the Allysyn clips I see, she’s sitting on a couch looking bored while people are talking. She said she’d never be caught fighting for a man, and she was right. But she did ask a man to leave his two girlfriends for her. Does that count?
Phyna
I can’t lie, Phyna surprised me. She was so calm in her introductory video. I was sure she would come into the house, stay in one corner, and hardly be noticed. Only for her to enter the house, and her voice is the loudest. She also said she’s not interested in love, but look at our good sis now, hopelessly in love and not sending anybody.
On stage with Ebuka at the live show, she talked about bringing vibes (I’m so tired of this word) and drama. So far, she has sort of fulfilled her promise. She’s constantly giving us things to talk about: her relationship with Groovy, her fights in which she’s not afraid to give it back to anybody and her friendships with Amaka and Chi Chi.
Groovy
The god of Groovy has to be mighty because how else is he getting away with giving us nothing? He said he would be entertaining, but the most content we’ve gotten from him was when Beauty was in the house. Can we bring her back? Maybe it’ll ignite some fire in him. I even preferred him when he was chasing Chomzy. I thought he was going to be some kind of playboy.
Chi Chi
Madam Chi Chi came in saying she’s an exotic dancer. I don’t know what dances she has been doing at the Saturday parties, but there’s nothing exotic about them. I thought she would be the life of the party, but she disappointed me and the rest of the audience. Or maybe we just “don’t like beautiful things.”
Chomzy
In her video, Chomzy told us she would take it to the next level by showing off her dancing and giving us hot hot. She’s the only person who has kept her promise. She’s what we thought Chi Chi would be. She’s always on fire on the dance floor and the life of the party.
Daniella
Baby girl said the viewers would like her because she’s very energetic and outspoken. It’s three weeks to the end of big brother, and we’re wondering when this energy will show. She also said people would hate her for being reserved when they don’t expect her to be (which is every single day she’s been in the house). We don’t really get to see her.
Bella
“I can cook, but I don’t like cooking,” my good sis, we’ve seen your spaghetti. This was a big lie.
Bella told us in her introductory video that the season would be interesting because she’s there. Where she lied, though, was when she said she was fun and the life of the party. All we’ve seen is constant scowling and withdrawing herself from people.
She did say she’s a mean girl, though, and she’s giving us that. But her relationship with Sheggz has definitely contributed to her behaviour.
Bryan
All I heard Bryan say was “swag”, “energy” and “vibes” (Yeah, I’m rolling my eyes too). It seemed like he would be a calm but fun person in the house. I was wrong about the calm, but he’s definitely fun. He’s always having a great time with his housemates. But we didn’t expect him to be this annoying and petty even though he warned us.
Sheggz
I saw a fine boy, and I thought he had sense. Boy, was I wrong. He said he’d never be caught fighting or losing his temper, but oga has fought with every single person in the house. “If any housemate hates me, I’ll be shocked. But if they do, I’ll think it’s because maybe they’re not genuine.” Yeah, right. That’s why they hate you.
Chiby is popular for his parties. Most especially the ones he hosts every weekend at SOUTH and Hard Rock Cafe as a side hustle to his 9-5. And if you know him, you know his girlfriend, Naomi, who’s always with him at these parties.
We interviewed her about life as the girlfriend of someone whose job is to party every night, and how it’s not always as fun as it sounds.
What do you do for a living?
I work in finance as a treasury associate for a startup. I’m in accounts payable; I do everything payments related.
When was the first time you and Chiby partied together?
The first time was at SOUTH about three years ago; his friend was throwing a party there. At the time, he was just a friend I was getting to know. I had a lot of fun with him that night, so I went to the next party he was hosting, where he confessed his feelings for me. We ended up making out the entire night.
How has your life changed since you became the girlfriend of a nightlife party promoter?
My life went from zero to a hundred very fast. I’m an extremely shy ambivert. Before Chiby, I could be home all day and not leave my room; I’d only go out to party occasionally. Once I started dating Chiby, I was everywhere.
He knows many people and gets invites to many places, and he’d always get a plus one because of me. At first, it was a lot because I went from being home almost all the time to going out nearly every night.
I used to have severe anxiety because Chiby and I would walk into a room, and many people would say hello to him. I would just stay beside him, trying to hide. I’d always have to drink before we went out, to ease up. I also had to go out of my comfort zone to be friendly, to avoid coming off as a snob because people had mentioned that. Meanwhile, I was just extremely shy.
Chiby was aware of my anxiety and always looked out for me. He’d make me feel comfortable at the venue; he’d get me food and drinks while I never even had to lift a finger. He’d also introduce me to everyone who knew him, including the staff. Just so they knew who I was too. He really tried to make it easier for me.
So do you just attend the parties and dance all night long?
I actually do more than that. I’m Chiby’s unofficial manager. Everything he has to do, he runs by me, and I assist him. I help him make sure the flyers have no mistakes and everything at the party venue is good to go. I let him know if there’s a problem with the lighting or AC or anything.
During the party, I’m behind the scenes working. I’m looking out for each table and what they need, ensuring the staff are doing their jobs well and informing Chiby if anything isn’t going right. I also look out for Chiby because it’s a lot for him too.
I remind him to rest between all the running around he does during the party. I have to tell him to take breaks from work and have fun. When he gets drunk, I stop him from drinking more and make sure he drinks water.
You do quite a lot
I remember when he travelled in December and had to miss one SOUTH party. He didn’t want people to know he wasn’t around, otherwise, they wouldn’t attend. So I had to take over that particular night. Imagine me, a shy person, giving out shots to people. I made sure everyone was okay and that they were having fun.
Chiby must’ve been proud
Sometimes, it’s actually a whole lot for me. Sometimes, I want to skip his parties and chill at home. But I can’t do that to him. He’s the love of my life, so I need to be there to support him. I always feel bad when I can’t attend his parties because I know he needs me. So I try my best to attend all of them. I also help him promote them as much as I can.
A supportive girlfriend, I stan. What’s some of the drama that comes with all this?
I don’t like being the centre of attention and hate drama. The one significant thing I remember was when a girl tried to stop me from getting to Chiby. I’d been looking for him to dance with, and when I saw him, she was dancing behind him, stylishly rubbing up on him.
She noticed me walking toward him and tried to block me. I couldn’t believe it. I had to squeeze myself through to get to him. I didn’t do anything about her because I didn’t want to cause any drama. But this same girl literally told him she wanted to fuck him one day. These things happen often, women being sexual with him. But I’m never bothered because I trust him, and he always puts them in their place.
Sometimes, people send me anonymous messages via “Curious Cat” on Twitter. They’d say things like, “There’s no way he isn’t cheating on you.” Chiby also gets extremely sexual messages. But I never let any of that affect me. I’m very secure in myself, and I trust my man.
Wow
The men do their own too. One time, a Lebanese guy slapped my ass at SOUTH. I was so shocked, and the silly man had the audacity to tell me I had a nice ass. It happened outside, in front of everybody, and nobody did anything.
When I told Chiby, he was so upset and ready to beat the hell out of the guy, but I had to stop him because I didn’t want any drama to disrupt his party. I face harassment occasionally, but I never want it to ruin the party, so I just let it go.
Someone almost assaulted me because I told him not to smoke indoors.
Yeah, and it gets lonely sometimes. Chiby can’t be with me all night because he has to work and ensure everyone is okay. My friends can’t come to every party, so there are times when I’m alone and am actually very sad. Those times, I usually dance by the DJ booth. When people see me there, they ask if I’m okay, and I have to lie that I’m fine.
But what do you love about Chiby’s lifestyle?
I get to go out and have a lot of fun. With Chiby, there’s never a dull moment. We always have something to do, new places to go to. Because of him, I get invited to all sorts of events and places. Most times, I don’t even have to spend money; drinks and food are paid for by either Chiby or the people who invite us. I also love that I get to play dress-up, to put together outfits and shoes for each event. On top of it all, I get to spend quality time with my best friend.
Going out to parties has become an escape from all the stress I face in my personal and work life. I’m just out, drinking and dancing, forgetting my worries. Without Chiby and his events, I’d be bored all the time.
With your weekends dedicated to parties, where do you find time for other dates?
There’s always time during the week or on weekends between parties. If it’s a Friday, we have from 5 p.m. after work, to 7 p.m. for dates before we head out to parties. Sometimes, we have our dates at the venue. We just get there much earlier. If the party starts at 10 p.m., we’ll get there at 6 p.m. to have our date.
If it’s a Saturday, we have the whole day because he doesn’t host anything then. That’s when we do less stressful activities like painting or going for a picnic. His life can get really crazy with all the events and parties, so it’s good to have more relaxing dates.
Awww, how romantic. I’m curious about how you prep for a party
The day before, I pick out what I’m going to wear. If I’m unsure, I pack three options to take to Chiby’s house. I head to his house on Friday after work, and we get ready together. Sometimes, I wear all my outfit options, and he picks out which he likes best.
I’m horrible at time management, so he’s always trying to get me to start getting ready early. Honestly, my anxiety is the major reason I take forever to get ready. I lay in bed for a long time, with a million thoughts running through my head: “How am I going to cope when he leaves me?”
If I’m running really late, and I see Chiby getting restless, I tell him to go ahead of me. The only thing is, when I get to the party, I have to call him to take me inside because I’m super shy and can’t walk in alone.
How do your parents feel about you dating a nightlife promoter?
My parents are cool. They’re not the typical Nigerian strict parents. They love Chiby, and they’re even happy I’m with him when I’m out. Plus I’m 27, I don’t have a curfew or any rules I have to follow. They just let me do me.
The first time I heard about Indomie Cafe, I was very confused as to why a whole restaurant was created to serve Indomie. I thought, “Why would I pay a lot of money for Indomie at a cafe when I can just cook it at home?” Out of curiosity, I decided to check out the cafe. And trust me when I say that the noodles they make in this place are much different from the ones I make at home.
Let me tell you why you must eat at Indomie Cafe:
The food is more than you can imagine
You’d think they’d serve the basic noodles just anybody can make. But it looks like these people have hired gourmet chefs to create all types of interesting Indomie recipes. They’re not here to play with anybody. On their menu, you’d see things like Indomie Polpette (with meatballs), Asian beef noodles (cooked with Asian sauce and beef), Spicy Native sauce (cooked ofada style) etc. And all of them slap as hard as a disrespected Nigerian mother. I’m speaking from my personal experience of trying out all of them. I no fit lie give you. Outside of noodles, they have appetisers and extras such as Indo-samosa, Yummie rolls, chicken bites, suya, prawns and the likes.
You can have it as hot as you want
Yes, we’re still on this food matter because there’s too much to discuss. Asides from having the most mouth-watering Indomie recipes, they can also be cooked according to the spice level you can handle. It ranges from very mild to fire on your head. I don’t do more than myself; I always go for mild, but if you can handle your heat, just let them know. It can’t be worse than the pepper Nigerian men have shown people.
You won’t have to finish your money
You don’t need to empty your bank account all in the name of “Man must chop”. Indomie Cafe is budget-friendly and the food is quite filling. You can go there with ₦2,000 and you’ll eat well. I’ve taken almost all of my friends to their different branches. Any small thing, I’m suggesting Indomie cafe for lunch.
The ambience
They have a small cute space, which is also quite colourful. The cafe has a relaxed, casual vibe, where you can sit and gist with someone or stay by yourself and watch a movie on your phone while eating. It’s a place you can go with your partner, friends or family.
Accessibility
Indomie Cafe is all over Lagos. They’re locations are:
Leisure Mall, Beside Spar
Sleek Studio, Ahmadu Bello Way, Victoria Island
Mobolaji way, Anthony. Ikeja
Triangle hall, Jakande Lekki.
Fola Osibo street, Lekki Phase 1
Festival Mall, Festac
Lacasa Indomie Café, MMA2, International Airport, Lagos, Nigeria
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Please do yourself a favour and carry yourself to Indomie Cafe. I promise you, it’ll be money well spent. Hurry up and go visit the their website now because they’re currently doing a promo of 25% off orders above ₦3,000
The promo code is: ZIKOKOIC
I didn’t go to a boarding house for secondary school, so I have no idea what the eating situation there is like. But I’m constantly hearing stories about terrible school food and the weirdest combinations students are made to eat.
I’ve been intrigued about this for the longest time. Today, I finally decided to ask young Nigerians about the most bizarre things they ate in boarding school. Their answers will terrify you.
“We mixed egusi soup and beans because we were late for lunch”
— Emeka*,19
On this particular day, eba and egusi soup was served for lunch. Unfortunately, my friends and I couldn’t make it to the lunch room on time, and all the eba had finished. We collected the soup, and some girl in the lunch room said she had leftover beans from breakfast. Because hunger was killing us, we took it and mixed it with the egusi. We created a space in the middle of the beans and poured the soup, and that’s how we ate it. The soup was so watery, some ate it like beans and garri. They’d take one spoon of beans, then drink the egusi.
Another time, we had Jollof garri. This was made by cooking raw garri, palm oil, crayfish, onions and pepper, in a pot with no water. I still eat it to this day. The only problem is the severe constipation you’ll face much later.
“I drank garri with sardine inside”
— Abiola*, 21
School food always tasted terrible, and we would do anything not to eat it. This meant we had to rely on our provisions whenever we were hungry. Once our provisions and money for snacks finished, we had to come up with ways to combine foods so we won’t die of starvation.
A lot of the weird things we ate revolved around eba. There was “ebansa”:eba and sardine, “ebange”: eba and geisha and “ebanspice”: eba with Maggi, salt, pepper and a little water. But it all started with “ebanketch”, which is eba and ketchup.
I remember a time we stole scent leaves from someone’s farm, washed and cut it, put it in a plate of water, and added salt, Maggi and pepper. We ate it with eba. When the eba finished, we ate the rest of the “soup” with Cabin biscuit. We spent the rest of the day going back and forth to the toilet. It was epic.
We also tried beans and pineapple, bread and palm oil, boiled egg with pepper, salt and Maggi. Sometimes, I drank garri with sardine inside.
Termites were a special delicacy for students in my boarding school.
We’d catch them by putting bowls of water underneath the lights they were swarming around, before going for prep at 7 p.m. When we came back at 10 p.m., there would be a lot of termites in the bowl. For the next two hours, we would sit and stick long broomsticks through them and wrap in newspapers. In the morning, after breakfast, we’d head to the kitchen and roast them over coal, garnished with salt and pepper. We ate the termites while drinking garri.
We also ate raw corn. My school was a federal government college, so there were many farms owned by staff and people who rented land around it. We were prohibited from going to the farms, but we always snuck in to steal corn. We’d try to roast it at night over the coal iron in our room, but the smell always spread immediately, so we couldn’t roast for more than five minutes. This meant we always ended up eating it raw, but the corn was very milky and juicy, so we didn’t mind. I’m sure this contributed to my appendicitis a few months after graduating.
“Fasting made me eat eba and beans”
— Fatimah*, 20
During Ramadan, we ate beans and eba for Iftar in the evening. Due to the fasting, we had to combine our afternoon meal(beans) and evening meal (eba and soup). It actually tasted nice. There was also this meal called “fetch”, which was basically eba mixed with sardine or geisha. We ate it like eba and soup. It was very disgusting, but we ate it almost every weekend because we had no choice; the school food was awful.
“We made our sandwiches with groundnut, milo and milk”
— Ismaila*,23
On Sundays, our school served us bread, butter, Milo and milk for breakfast. And my friends would make a sandwich out of all the ingredients, including Milo and milk, then add sardine. Jollof rice with boiled eggs and fruits was served for lunch one particular day. I’d kept my breakfast till after lunch because I wanted to add the boiled eggs and groundnuts to my sandwich. So it became a sardine, butter, milk, Milo, groundnut and boiled egg sandwich. I loved it.
“We created our own cereal by mixing cornflakes, garri and sardine”
— Itohan, 21
We mixed cornflakes with garri, sardine and pepper. It was a delicacy we ate once in a while, usually on Saturdays. Some of my roommates would do just garri or cornflakes, but I liked to do both. And it had to be Nasco because it tasted better than any other cereal. Everything about the combination was elite; the crunch, the flavour, the pepper… they mixed well to make such a delicious meal. I still eat it at home once in a while.
“One of the best things we had was Milo candy”
— Kai, 22
Back in school, we mixed ground cabin biscuits with butter, milk and sugar. If we had money, we’d also add chocolates. It tasted amazing, much better than school food. We also did this thing where we’d put Milo in sheets of paper and place it under our mattresses for at least a day. The next day, it would be really hard like candy. We loved it so much because we didn’t have access to candy or anything sweet in our school, except when people’s parents visited. We also mixed Tasty Time and Nutri C to make soda during hostel parties. It tasted great back then, but it’s not something I’d drink now.
In this Nigerian economy, I can’t understand how and why mothers are feeding their babies Cerelac. First, it’s expensive (if you can afford Cerelac, you’re part of the rich we should be eating). Secondly, with the type of energy babies expend, there’s no way a mix of wheat and milk is enough for them. They need to eat proper food like the ones I’ve listed below.
Only feed this to them on Saturday mornings. So they know it’s part of a routine. It’ll even be better if you give them a few chores to do before they eat. That way, they’ll learn about delayed gratification and reward for hard work.
If there’s one significant meal babies must eat, it’s Jollof rice, the meal that brings Nigerians together across all tribes. It’s a part of our traditional and pop culture. Feeding them white man’s food (Cerelac) is almost disrespectful when they’ve not had Nigeria’s staple. Also, they need context to properly fight the Jollof wars when speaking to their baby friends from other African countries.
We’ve been blessed with an elite meal, amala, and I don’t see why babies should be deprived of such a blessing. Also, how else will they understand the jaiye lifestyle if they’re not eating one of the significant Nigerian party foods?
This is to remind them that there’ll always be rice at home. Let them get used to the taste of what that feels like. So when they tell you they want to eat burger, and you say, “there’s rice at home”, they won’t give you an attitude.
Do you not want your babies to grow? So feed them what their body needs. But let it be ewa agoyin with fried plantain and two ponmo because that’s the complete package. You can blend the ponmo if you want.
Akpu is to teach them that life can be hard sometimes. If you’ve eaten akpu before, you’ll know what I’m talking about. From the name alone, you can already tell how hard the food is.
This teaches them that they’ll always be the head and not the tail in life. And it’s also sort of a prayer that they’ll be G.O.A.Ts in whatever they do.
Today is International Grandparents Day, and as a child, I always celebrated this day with my grandmother in church. In the morning, we would go to her church, Cathedral Church of Christ, Marina, Lagos. While I went off to Sunday school, she’d go to the adults’ church.
During the service, I’d join the kids to go to the main church for a presentation. It would either be a song or a play about grandparents. Later, the grandparents would stand, and they’d be given presents. It was a special day for me because I loved the opportunity to celebrate my grandma. It pains me that we’ll never get to celebrate together on this day again.
My paternal grandma raised me for nine years of my life, from age nine to 18, while I lived with her and my dad’s younger sister. As much as I loved my aunt, I was always more fond of my grandma. She knew it. Everybody knew it. I spent more time with her. My grandma was the one who dropped me off and picked me up from school on most days. She was at every open day and school event; she never missed any until I graduated. I would go with her everywhere she went: church, owambes, charity events, her friend’s house, the market, etc. People knew me as her handbag. As long as you knew Ayodele Eneli, you knew Damilola Eneli and vice versa.
I was her precious only grandchild, and she always showed me how special I was to her. She ensured I never lacked anything and always tried to give me whatever I wanted and needed. I remember once asking her to buy me this diary that could only be unlocked with voice recognition. It came with an invisible ink pen. She mentioned it was expensive, but the next time we went to that store, she told me I could have the diary. I was so elated.
She’d tell me I deserved the best of the best in everything, and that’s why instead of enjoying retirement, she worked hard so I could go to the best primary and secondary schools. She always put me first, no matter what. In everything I wanted to do, my grandma always told me to go for it, even if I wanted to fly to the moon. She never discouraged me or made any of my dreams seem unachievable.
I admired my grandmother for many reasons. One of which I realised as an adult, was that she was a 60-something-year-old woman taking care of a child entering her teenage years. It definitely wasn’t easy for her. I constantly stressed her by coming back late. I’d tell her I was going to my friend’s house down the street, she’d tell me to be back by 7 p.m. and I’d come back by 9 p.m. She’d get so worried and upset. I’m who I am today majorly because of my grandmother. I speak the way I speak because of her. I’m ambitious and career-oriented because of her. I’m independent because I saw how independent she was, and it was badass.
She was my role model. I admired every bit of her; her fashion, the way she spoke, the way everybody loved her and the friends she had. I think I’m social because of my grandma. Everybody knew her and liked her. I remember when she was voted as the president of her church association, Ladies League. Everyone wanted it to be her; it was a unanimous vote. I also remember times when she’d walk into an event and be greeted by many people. They’d greet her with so much joy, and shout, “Sisi Ayo”. It was amazing to see as a child.
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I don’t think I’ve ever talked about my grandma extensively without crying. So I’m not surprised I’m writing this article in tears.
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My grandma’s death broke me. The world took my best friend away from me. I call her my best friend because I bonded with her more than I could with most people. I spoke to my grandma about a lot of things. As a child, especially, I would gist with her and ask her a million questions. And she was always willing to answer.
Her death wasn’t the “sleep and not wake up” kind. She had a brain tumour, and I had to watch her health deteriorate over the span of about two years. She went from a happy, strong woman to one who struggled to utter simple words. I had to helplessly watch her be in pain.
I was in uni for most of her sickness, so my aunt was the one who took care of her. But there was a summer when I stayed with her at my grand-uncle’s house. At that point, she couldn’t move by herself, couldn’t speak, and she had a live-in nurse. My heart broke seeing her like that.
She couldn’t even speak to me, her grandchild. I would speak to her, but she couldn’t reply. I honestly prayed to God for a miracle to happen, and she’d get better. But she died after a major surgery. She was 76 years old. I lost my grandma at 18, and my entire world crumbled. To date, I haven’t been able to set foot in the hospital where she died.
It’s been seven years since. And every September 1 is a sad day for me because it’s the day she was taken away. It reminds me of my amazing memories with her. Like when we both watched “Deal or No Deal” at home, and tried to guess what amount of money was in the boxes; it was our favourite show to watch together. I was so blessed to have such an angel on earth.
For the longest time, I said my first-ever tattoo would be her name. And the day I got it, I felt like a special part of her had become part of me. Her name was her identity; having it on my arm constantly reminds me that she’s with me.
Grandma, I really do hope I’m making you proud. I hope you’re proud of the woman I’ve become.
I love my job (don’t worry, I’m not being threatened to say this); it gives me the freedom to express myself and my creativity while also working with the best colleagues. But even as much as I love my job, I hate having to wake up every day to sit in front of a desk.
My company pays me to create funny, ridiculous TikToks — TikToks where I get to slander my colleagues — and I still hate working. I hate that enduring capitalism will be my life for the next 15 – 20 years. Doesn’t matter if it’s answering to an employer or working for myself. In an ideal world, I’d wake up every day and do whatever I want, whenever I wanted, without any financial pressure.
I asked the seven other young Nigerians how they felt about working. Their opinions:
Ibrahim*, 23, Writer and Content Creator
For some people, the fact that they have the opportunity to work is a blessing. Also, people say they hate work until they stop working. I know a few people who quit their jobs, and after a few months, they got bored. As for me, I hate work. I don’t want to work ever again in my life. I just want to have enough money to travel once in a while and live a happy life with my family.
Even if I liked painting. I would still hate waking up and picking up a brush to paint instead of watching series on Netflix.
Amanda*, 23, Banker
I love working. My dislike for work started when I began working a 9–5. Before then, I was making and selling different types of braided wigs, and I thoroughly enjoyed doing that. I don’t mind having a ton of work to do, as long as I get to do it on my own time. A 9–5 doesn’t give you that, and that’s the major problem I have with work.
Fred*, 26, Architect
What I hate about work mostly is the commute. The fact that I have to get up, leave my house and enter traffic every day makes me not want to work. Also, I hate work when it becomes monotonous and begins to feel like a chore. Other than that, I actually enjoy working.
Amina*, 28, Director, Writer and Producer
I don’t mind working, but does it have to be every day? I want to work when I feel like it. For me, that’s like twice a year; I spend six months writing a script and use the other six to shoot and edit. There’s a lot less pressure on me this way. The pressure is what I hate the most about working.
Nnamdi*, 35, Entrepreneur
Everything gets stressful to do at some point. Athletes have some days when they just don’t feel like playing. Artists sometimes hate that they have to perform, and even actors sometimes hate that they have to wake up early and go on set. You love it o, but some days, it’ll be wahala. The love for it is what keeps you going. But even sleeping can get stressful once it becomes a job.
Sometimes I like my job. Often enough to forget how much it sucks. But I hate the fact that I have to work. Knowing it’ll be my life for a couple more years is scary. It kills me that I’ll have to wake up every day before 8 a.m, and my life belongs to someone else until 6 p.m. I’ll always be tired, and it’s not going away anytime soon.
I hate my job. I genuinely do. Maybe it’s because I’m exhausted, but I don’t even care for what I do anymore. No matter how much you’re making or love your job, you’ll start to resent it if you don’t take breaks. It’s a “too much of a good thing turns into a major problem” kind of thing. We all just need to dissociate from work once in a while.
I resumed work yesterday after shaking my ass on a yacht a two-week holiday in Dubai. And the first thing that came to me was… chapman. Maybe I’m not ready to return to work.
But as life will have it, it turns out, there’s actually a fascinating history around chapman. I’m about to give y’all a history lesson no one asked for.
I used to think chapman was one of those drinkscreated abroad that Nigerians started making here. It turns out, chapman was actually created in Nigeria by a Nigerian.
It’s been up for debate about who invented this mocktail. Legend has it that chapman was created at the Ikoyi Club in Lagos, Nigeria, by a bartender who was requested to mix something special for a British client named Chapman. After doing serious research, it turns out this is false.
Who actually invented chapman?
The Ikoyi Club was not where chapman was created, nor was it created for a Mr Chapman. It was invented by Mr Sam Alamutu, a renowned professional hotelier who, at one point, was referred to as the doyen of Nigeria’s hospitality sector.
Sam Alamutu was a well-known professional Hotelier. He was among the few young Nigerians to be offered a scholarship to study in the UK, where he studied catering and hotel management at the Huddersfield Polytechnic, Yorkshire, from 1955 to 1958.
He later became the director of the Nigeria Tourist Board and the first national President of the Nigeria Hotel and Catering Institute.
He spent most of his time in top Nigerian hotels and was the director of a few of them: The Lagos Hotel, Hill Station Hotel, Jos, Western Hotel and Cross River Hotel Limited.
The creation of chapman is a story of love. Mr Alamutu was a man who loved to attend social events, where he’d drink the finest of wines or champagne. He’d usually attend these events with his wife who didn’t drink alcohol. It bothered him because he thought the love of his life deserved better than soft drinks, so he decided to create something more exotic that she could drink at events, especially those hosted by him. He experimented with different beverages and eventually came up with a mix of lemon and orange with a dash of Angostura bitters. She loved it.
With the positive feedback he had received, he went one step further and added cucumber, a lemon slice, and a cherry on a toothpick; this is how the renowned cocktail came to be.
The reason it’s associated with Ikoyi, it’s because one of the first places Mr Alamutu created the mocktail for public consumption was at the Ikoy Hotel, Lagos. Due to his influence in the hospitality industry, he was able to take the drink across different hotels in Nigeria. Because of its unique taste, more bars and hotels continued to adapt the recipe, and now chapman has become one of the most popular drinks this side of the world.
Parents relying on their kids for money is a regular thing, but we don’t really talk about the effects of having such a responsibility.
In this article, seven Nigerians speak about what it feels like to be the ones providing for their families while also trying to take care of themselves.
“I’m happy to help, but I sometimes feel resentful”
— Amaka, 30
Sometimes it feels like the only thing I’m useful for in my family is sending money. I’ve been paying black tax since I started NYSC in 2014.
My mum used to work in a federal government parastatal but got retrenched in 2007. She managed to put me through secondary school somehow till I finished university.
Now, I send money to my mum, two siblings and cousins who stay with us for their upkeep every month. Asides from that, my mum also randomly calls and asks for money. It got so bad that almost all my income was going to family expenses, both necessary and unnecessary. Having to spend my money on family consistently sometimes makes me feel resentful. Other times, I’m happy to help.
My mum has a pension, but the money she gets is very small. The pension fund administrator has even refused to pay them for the longest time. So I’m all she has.
“I feel some financial strain, but it’s a privilege”
—Ebuka, 29
I come from a large family of seven children, and we collectively cater to our parents’ needs.
My dad lost his job in 1992 and couldn’t get stable work afterwards. My mum worked for over twenty years in a Chinese firm until the entire family was forced to flee the north during the Sharia crisis in 2000. So we returned to our village in Imo state.
As time passed, we kids got different opportunities that took us out of the village. My oldest brother made enough money to build my parents a six-bedroom house.
My siblings and I stopped my parents from doing any work three years ago [2019] so that they could rest. Now they depend wholly on us. We’re a large family, so the financial burden isn’t that much. We pool funds together to send to them.
I feel the financial strain once in a while, especially when we have to contribute towards paying for my dad’s medical bills. But I shrug it off. If my parents had a pension, it’d have given us less to worry about and more to spend on ourselves. However, we consider it a privilege to do what we do.
“How am I paying for someone else’s mistake? It’s so frustrating.”
— Aduke*, 56
I’m retired, but instead of me enjoying my money, I spend it taking care of my also retired younger sister.
The difference between both of us is that I have investments and a pension, and she doesn’t. This is because she finished her money on jaiye lifestyle. My sister was a woman of enjoyment; she was either always attending a party or throwing one. And each time, she had to sew an outfit for each party. She liked the finer things of life, and she wasn’t afraid of spending money on them. Now, look at what that has caused. She’s broke and relying on my money to survive. She has a child but can’t ask him for money because he’s in secondary school. I pay his school fees.
How am I paying for someone else’s mistake? It’s so frustrating. And I’m stuck with this for the rest of my life.
“Maybe it’s the pressure of being the firstborn son, but I feel the need not to let my parents work”
— Anthony, 31
As the firstborn son, I feel a certain responsibility to take care of my family. My parents don’t ask for money, but they expect it. Very subtle signs show that they rely on me to provide for them.
I get paid decently as a logistics manager for a start-up oil and gas firm. It allows me to send money to my parents monthly. My youngest brother, the last born, is now in university, and I send him pocket money too. There are times when I’ve had to come through in significant ways. There was a time my mum had surgery, and I contributed 80% of the money. My dad recently fell seriously ill, and I had to buy drugs that cost ₦53K every month for six months.
Maybe it’s the pressure of being the firstborn son, but I feel the need not to let my parents work. They sacrificed so much to send me to the best schools. The best I could do is spend part of my money on them.
You have no idea how many times I’ve asked God, “Why me?’”
— Shelia*, 35
My mum has chronic heart disease. This means my salary is spent on consistent hospital bills and drugs. Since my mum is sick, she obviously can’t work, and she doesn’t have investments or any other source of income that could, to some extent, make things financially easier for us, it’s all on me.
My dad passed ten years ago, and I’m the only child. So I’m the only one handling such a huge responsibility. My extended family tries to help out once in a while, but that’s not enough. You have no idea how many times I’ve asked God, “Why me?” Why did I have to get stuck with a sick mum? Why does all my money go to her sickness? I’m tired of it all.
Right now, I just want a higher-paying job so that I can at least be able to get myself some nice things.
“I rarely do things for myself because I earn the most in my family. It’s tiring.”
— Abraham, 27
I get paid about ₦350,000 per month, and I barely get to enjoy any of the money because I’m spending it on providing for my family.
Both my parents are retired, which means I’m responsible for their upkeep and that of my siblings. I’m currently paying the school fees of the last child who’s still in uni. My two older siblings can’t contribute as much because they don’t earn enough. I’m the one my parents call whenever they need money for one thing or the other. Sometimes my older siblings call me too.
I need a break from it all. I wish I could just travel to a really far destination and not think that I’m financially responsible for my family at such a young age.
Having your family members rely on you financially can be a lot of pressure. It can also be emotionally and physically exhausting. But what if you didn’t have to do it all on your own?
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There isn’t just one way to experience pregnancy. And I’ve encountered so many different types of pregnant women in this life, I’ve now listed nine of them below.
The pregnant women who don’t know they’re pregnant
Some people don’t find out that they’re pregnant until the day they’re in labour. This happens more often than you think. Imagine seeing your period and thinking everything is normal, only for you to “fall sick” and the doctors tell you that you’ve been pregnant for nine months. God abeg.
The ones who eat the weirdest things
My friend once told me that her mom was eating chalk while pregnant, and I haven’t been able to wrap my head around that. There are plenty pregnant women like this: they like things like avocado ice cream, bitter leaf, raw meat, etc. There are also the ones who eat the worst food combinations. I once saw a woman mix egusi soup and porridge beans, and then eat that already ridiculous combo with eba.
The pregnant women who don’t like to eat certain things
There are also the ones who suddenly hate food they loved before they got pregnant. Suddenly, the smell of their favourite soup makes them want to throw up. If my baby makes me hate banga soup, I’ll be very upset.
Almost every pregnant woman is emotional. But have you met the one who can go through five emotions in less than one minute? It’s interesting to see.
The pregnant women who don’t know how to rest
Doctors said to take a break and rest, but they’ll start climbing high stools and changing bulbs. It’s after doctor’s advice they’ll realise decide they want to rearrange all the rooms in the house and go to the gym. Aunty, please rest.
The pregnant women who are always tired
These pregnant women don’t want to do anything but stay in bed and sleep. Left to them, their maternity leave would start from their first trimester. Can you blame them? E easy to carry pikin?
The social media afficionados
The ones who give you updates on the entire pregnancy journey. From the moment they get pregnant, to their gender reveal, to when they give birth. Very few Nigerian women do this sha — not when their village people exist.
The pregnant women who hide their pregnancies
You’re casually scrolling through social media one lucky day, and you see that your friend has posted a picture of a newborn baby with the caption “Grateful”. These types of pregnant women are the ones you can trust with any secret. You can kill someone and have them swear not to tell anyone, and they wouldn’t flinch.
The well-prepared pregnant women
These pregnant women have watched every single video about what to expect when you’re expecting. They’ve read every parenting book and bought everything that has the name baby before it. These expecting mothers are more than prepared. Nothing can catch them unaware… they think.
I wanted to buy bread yesterday, and the store attendant told me it was ₦800 per loaf. ₦800 for bread? Help me o, this economy dey carry me where I no know.
Everything is so expensive now that people are struggling to eat. And this is why I’ve come to tell you about the different ways you can acquire free food in this trenches economy.
Become a beggar
If nobody gives you food, at least they’ll give you money that you can use to buy food. Why do you think there are many beggars in this country? Not all of them are homeless poor people. Some of them are middle-class people hustling for free food.
Attend church events
Church events always have food, especially Anglican churches during Harvest season. If you’re in Lagos, attend a church event on the island, and you’ll think you’re at an owambe.
Lie that you’re sick
Let your Nigerian family members or even friends hear that you’re sick. The first thing they do is buy you malaria drugs, then later stuff you with food. Whatever it is that you want, they’ll give you. Just do small shakara like you don’t want to eat.
Churches are always very excited to welcome newcomers. Whether it’s jollof rice and chicken they give or just meat pie and coke, you’ll sha get food. Although there are churches that give notepads and pens, so good luck.
Get a job at a restaurant
There’ll almost always be leftover food to take home and eat. Especially if you work at a fast food restaurant. It may not necessarily be the food you like, but you can’t be a beggar with a choice. It’s even better if you’re a server that works for a catering company. Servers always carry leftover food from events and even enjoy more than party guests.
Visit family members one by one
Family members will never let you leave their houses without at least having something to eat. But you need to be careful about which family member’s house you visit. Because you may land in the house of a relative who can only offer you chin-chin and juice.
Befriend a chef
Chefs are constantly always cooking and experimenting with food in their homes. Become friends with a chef, and always go over to their house to visit them. Just say, “Oh, I was passing, and I just said let me stop by and greet you.” They can ask you help taste their new recipe Once in a while, call them to ask how they are. The more they think you’re a good friend, the more they want to show you love the one way they know how to — by feeding you.
Attend weddings, birthdays, burials etc. — any kind of owambe, just go and answer present. All these events almost always have food. Don’t worry about not knowing the person hosting the event. Just dress up and enter with your full chest. Make sure you carry bag that’ll allow you to carry extra food back home.
Eat the sacrifice foods they leave at junctions
Have you seen what is inside the bowl of food that people leave as sacrifice to the gods? Beans, eggs, meat, rice, moi-moi, plantain etc. That’s three square meals in one. My dear, stand at a T-junction this night and collect any food you see. The gods will be fine; they’re immortal and they understand there’s sapa in the land.
One thing I noticed after doing some research (read as: watching Big Brother Naija consistently) is that there are different categories of Nigerian men that you’d find in every BBNaija house. These are some of the ones I discovered.
The lover boy
Under this umbrella, you have the men who fall in love and develop genuine relationships. Then there are the ones who don’t like themselves and go after women that clearly don’t rate them, e.g. Ozo, Frodd and Saga. These ones lose all their focus and even forget about the game they came into the house to play. This last part describes Sheggz too. From the way he’s behaving, he has definitely lost focus.
The gym buffs
Every chance they get, they’re working out — morning, afternoon and night. I don’t know which war they’re preparing for, but they need to let us know on time, please. When it comes to tasks that involve physical strength, this is where they shine.Tobi Bakre and Saga, I hail you people o
These ones came all the way from obodo oyinbo to win ₦100m. Coincidentally, a lot of them happen to come from England. I wonder what’s happening in Queen in Elizabeth’s land that’s pursuing these IJGBs back home for money. And they never fail to remind us that they live abroad. Any slight chance they get, they’re talking about their lives in the abroad or talking about their Western achievements or how rich they are.
The playboys
The ones who come to win money and break hearts. Almost all the women in the house want them. This year, Groovy is the one taking the crown. One babe even got disqualified because of him. King shit.
The foodies
The foodies just enter the house and eat every second of the day, as if they were starving before they entered the house. That’s how Brighto constantly made semo at night, and Eric buried his face in Indomie. Leave food and focus on what you came to do, pls.
The married ones
People always ask why married men go on the show, and my question is, married men no go chop? Being married and in the house works for you if you’re faithful and exciting. Collect past questions from Mike abeg.
They’re the ones who have carried the world on their back and suffered the most. Their strategy to win? Trenches and suffer head Olympics.
The “I’m too big for this house”
These people always talk about how they don’t belong in the house with the rest of the “paupers”. Any small thing, you’ll be hearing “I don’t need the money. Do you know who I am outside of the house?” Sorry o, ominirichest of them all. Every time they’re always talking about how their fathers or great grandfathers own half of the country. Oya now, wetin carry you come?
The food you eat says a lot about your personality. So do the snacks. Let me tell you what your favourite pastry says about you.
Egg Roll
You don’t like stress at all. You live a very simple life surrounded by work and a few friends. You’re the type who doesn’t tell people where you live because you don’t like people in your house. When people try to make plans with you, you say you’re busy. Meanwhile, all you want to do is stay home and press your phone while watching TV.
Fish Roll
Every time you’re being ratioed on Twitter for saying one foolish thing or the other, you don’t care; you like going viral. You use an iPhone with those bunny ear phone cases. You’re always making mouth and acting tough like you can fight. But when it actually comes down to fighting, you’re nowhere to be found.
Meat Pie
Just like the meat pie, you’re filled with many great talents. There’s nothing you can’t do, and that’s why you’re a hustler. Back in school, you were the one collecting all the awards on prize-giving day. You’re the type to have one thousand and one jobs while complaining about being stressed out, and your social life is almost non-existent. You have a Twitter account with 200 followers you only use once every three months. But you post everything going on in your life on your Whatsapp status.
You’re always saying you’re for the streets. Meanwhile, you catch feelings every two market days. Your timeline is filled with relationship posts, and you stop yourself from commenting “God when” on all of them. All the genders are scum, and you don’t want to chop breakfast, but you’re tired of being the one they give the phone to when it comes to taking couple pictures.
Chicken Pie
You live a soft life. Your motto is “Any money wey I get like this, na enjoyment. No worry about my future.” By the week after payday, your money has finished, and you’re complaining about having just 1k in your account. But somehow, you still find ways to go out and chop life.
Doughnut
You’re a chronic procrastinator. The sexual tension between you and doing things at the last minute is quite strong. You tell your boss, “You’ll get it tomorrow” when you haven’t even started the work. And you’ve been saying you’ll go to the gym for the past six months, but you don’t even remember where your gym clothes are.
Cinnamon Roll
You’re a Nigerian parent. You go to bed at 9 p.m. and wake up at 4 a.m. Amongst your friends, you’re the one always advising everybody and watching out for them. When you all go out, you’re the designated driver who takes care of everyone while they get stupid drunk. To be honest, you’d have preferred to stay at home, video calling your long-distance lover.
Sausage Roll
You plan and organise every second of your life. And once anything doesn’t go according to plan, you start shedding tears. You’re constantly trying to get your friends and colleagues to be organised too, but they always end up frustrating you. You like to budget all your money, and half of it goes to savings and investments. You may be broke now, but you’ll be rich in the future, and that’s all that matters. You look at all your friends spending their money now and shake your head in sadness, thinking about how they’ll beg you when you’re rich.
As a woman with many male friends, I’ve noticed that there are certain phrases that can quickly stress a man out. I’ve compiled a list of some of the most recurring ones.
“I missed my period”
This can literally give every single man a heart attack. Once they hear this, they begin to hyperventilate and ask a thousand questions in one second. “What do you mean you missed your period?” “When last did you see it?” “Are you sure it’s not stress?” The one thing they won’t mention is pregnancy even though that’s exactly what they’re thinking. Because they can’t begin to consider that thought in a country where abortion is illegal and the economy is in the dustbin.
“My office bestie Femi is so stupid. Hahaha Let me tell you what he said…”
Once men hear that their partners have male office besties, they believe it’s all over. It’s as if you’ve told them you have another partner. You can’t just playfully call other men stupid in front of them? Serious Wahala.
“But do you want me to come over?”
It all starts with a woman asking “Should I come over?” And the man says “If you want to.” The next statement she makes is the statement above, and that’s how a whole argument starts. This is why this sentence can give men headaches. The argument could be avoided if they simply just said “Yes, come over.”
“Messi isn’t the greatest player ever”
I don’t know which is worse: saying this or getting a dirty slap to the face. I think they’d rather receive the slap. I don’t watch football, but the one thing I know is not to slander Messi if the man you’re talking to adores Messi, or Ronaldo if he adores Ronaldo. Say anything bad about these two and plenty plenty shalaye will start.
This is one of the most demoralising phrases on this list for him because it means money will leave his account for an expense he didn’t plan for. Either that or it means he’ll start sleeping with no electricity because there’s no money to fix the gen. Which means he has to have an all-night battle with heat and mosquitoes — except he’s rich and has an inverter, but even though.
“Someone has scratched your car”
Once men hear this, they’re ready to throw hands. You scratched their baby? It’s all over.
“We need to talk”
Men hate this because it’s either the worst is about to come, or the person wants to have a serious conversation about feelings. And we all know how Nigerian men feel about that.
“There’s no food”
A Nigerian man doesn’t play with his food. The various food arguments on Twitter that return every Eke market days will tell you that. So when they go somewhere and hear that there’s no food, they may start shedding tears on the spot. It’s even worse when they’re hearing it at home from their housemate, after a stressful time at work, at the gym, or on the football pitch.
This mostly comes after they ask a woman, “How are you?” When a woman says this to them most of the time, it means they’re about to collect some serious billing. Billing that will cost more than what they spend on themselves.
“Is it in?”
If it is indeed in, you’ve just ruined their self-esteem.
“I saw the charger but there was no phone”
You sef, reason it. If they tell it to you, won’t your heart cut?
“Na only one match cut the ticket”
One scoreline away from being hundreds of thousands richer from online sports betting? Or maybe millions sef. I can’t even begin to imagine how painful that is.
“Your card declined”
Even if there’s a lot of money on the card, his heart will still cut at first. He’ll begin to wonder if maybe he overestimated the amount of money he thought he had in his account. The absolute trenches.
Last week, a friend of mine tweeted about how it made no sense for a man to chase a woman for a long period of time. But how long is too long? I asked eight Nigerian men how long a man should pursue a woman, and this is what they said.
“If you can see that she’s interested in you, keep trying until she says yes”
— Effiong, 24
As long as the man and woman are attracted to each other and she hasn’t outrightly said no, he should keep trying. No matter how long it takes. It’s not rocket science. If you can see that she’s interested in you, keep trying until she says yes.
“Keep going at it, even if it takes two years”
— Tobi, 22
If the girl is worth it, apply pressure like mad. Except she clearly defines boundaries and tells you straight up she’s not interested. If not, keep going at it, even if it takes two years. Some people are just worth the effort. It’s something I can do, depending on the girl and where she is in her life. The funny thing is, I can see her going out with other men and it won’t faze me. I’ll just stay on top of my game and keep applying pressure. That’s how much I believe in my sauce.
“If she’s not feeling you, walk away”
— Tolu, 25
Please don’t chase women. From the moment you speak to her, if she’s not feeling you, just walk away. If she’s playing hard to get, run for your life. Any woman playing “hard to get” isn’t a good person.
“If she likes me but acts funny about it, or plays hard to get, I’ll lose interest immediately”
— Prince, 26
When I like a woman, I tell her. If she shows or tells me she doesn’t feel the same way, I leave her alone. If she likes me but acts funny about it, or plays hard to get, I’ll lose interest immediately. I’m not going to chase her, because there’s no reason to do that, as she already knows I like her, and I sense that she probably likes me. Why then would she be trying to stress my life? If I really like her, I’ll make an effort to find out the reason why she’s acting that way; maybe she’s not really playing hard to get, or there may be more to it. But if it’s someone I just started liking, I’ll walk away.
“It’s not that simple”
— Kamar, 35
It’s not that simple. The answer to this question is not based on time but on progress. It can take a week or even a month before it’s clear that someone isn’t interested and you aren’t making progress. It can also take an hour. Even for someone who is interested, it can still take a long time for them to decide to be with you, even if they like you too.
Life and human beings are way too complex with different situations and principles for such an oversimplified question. A thousand different scenarios can exist.
“Don’t chase any woman for more than a year”
— Tony, 28
You shouldn’t chase a woman for more than six months. Even six months is too long. Why are you pursuing somebody for longer than that? Don’t you have a life? Okay, maybe you really like her and she has shown signs that she likes you. In this scenario, you can keep trying, but it shouldn’t go past a year. And even with that, you should be talking to other girls. I don’t even think I can go that long, but for the guys that can, please don’t chase any woman for more than a year.
“The longest time I’ve waited for an answer is a month”
— Bayo, 28
You can pursue a girl for fifty years. If she doesn’t like you, she doesn’t. You can make an effort to try to woo and impress her, but don’t do that for too long. If you’ve tried for two weeks and she hasn’t shown interest, move on. To be honest, the longest time I’ve waited for an answer is one month. It was because she wanted to be sure she was making the right decision. But we both had feelings for each other. We’ve been dating for three months.
“You don’t need more than a month to know if a girl likes you”
— Chimezie, 27
I went on a date with someone last year, and after the date, I could tell she was no longer interested. After I told her I liked her, she told me she was with someone else. After that, I locked up and moved on. I don’t think I’ve ever chased a woman. My relationships start from friendships and they grow from there. Even the person I talked about above, we’d been flirting for a bit before I even asked her out on a date.
“Don’t directly chase her for more than two weeks. If not, it can turn into harassment”
— Oscar, 26
Once I toast a babe and she doesn’t agree, I remove my hands. There’s this thing I do which I call “Sleeper Cell P”. I plant the idea to a certain point and then leave the girl alone. I go back when or if the timing is right (you’ll know when that is). If she expressly states that she isn’t interested, I leave her alone. All in all, don’t directly chase her for more than two weeks. If not, it can turn into harassment.
One thing I’ve noticed is that many Nigerian bachelors who live alone have only three meal options; noodles, rice and stew, and bread. Outside of that, they’re buying food. I want better for them. That’s why I’ve come up with this list of recipes. Please at least try one of them this week.
Egg fried rice
Image credit: Immaculate bites
On Sunday, before you begin blending those tomatoes and onions to make stew for your white rice, just stop. Forget the blender and bring out your cutting board to make egg-fried rice instead. Don’t worry, it won’t take time to make, you can still finish in time for Premier League
Don’t beat me o, but potato pepper soup tastes so much better than yam pepper soup. There’s just something about the way the flavours in the pepper soup seep into the potatoes. It’s amazing. You can decide to use fish, beef or chicken; it all depends on your account balance.
I had these at my friend’s house last month and no matter how much I ate, I couldn’t get enough. Once you eat these, you won’t be able to eat any other type of pancakes again. The only thing that stops you from eating these pancakes every day, is the amount of work that goes onto making them.
Not every time boiled yam and stew. Are you not tired? Or is it just laziness? Whatever it is, please just try something else. Start with this heavenly smoked fish sauce, I promise you’ll thank me later. It slaps harder than a Nigerian mother.
Nigeria is currently showing us shege. Every single thing is expensive, and flight tickets are the worst. Someone can’t even just travel as they please again. But at least you can travel through food. Starting with food from our best friends, Ghana. Chicken light soup tastes so good, that I’m willing to almost admit that Ghanaian food is better, in public.
This sandwich bangs! You don’t have to add cheese, and you can make it in a regular frying pan. When you’re making this meal, sha lock all your doors and windows tight. Corned beef is expensive, and if you can afford it, it means you’re rich and are at risk of robbery.
This recipe involves some pounding. But this shouldn’t be a problem now since men are the physically stronger gender, abi? Onunu is a special type of swallow from Rivers state mixed with plantain and yam mashed together. You can eat it with any soup or stew of your choice.
Every Saturday, I beg my mother to make this on Sunday instead of her normal stew or jollof rice and she ignores me. Because whenever she actually decides to make it, that’s all I eat. That’s how good this sauce tastes. Once you make this chicken curry sauce, you’ll never look back.
In 2021, I lost a lot of weight and my life changed.
I lost 37kg in less than a year, and till now, I can’t believe I did it. I’d been trying to lose weight for the longest time, but I’ve always struggled. Last year was when I actually started to see changes. What worked for me? Consistency with my workouts and intermittent fasting.
But I took intermittent fasting to an extreme level and wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I’d begin eating at 11 a.m. and stop at 4 p.m.; the next time to eat would be the next day at 11. I didn’t want to feel the hunger pangs from having dinner so early, so I would go to bed at 8 p.m.
If I could go back, I’d do things a bit differently because restricting myself that much caused me to start binge-eating in 2022.
2022 has been a tough year for me in terms of my fitness lifestyle. I’ve added significant weight (10kg), struggled with consistency at the gym and been really awful with my diet. Gaining some of the weight back after doing so well the previous year made me really depressed as well.
I didn’t show it, but internally, I was extremely sad and disappointed in myself because I shouldn’t have allowed myself fall that far back. It didn’t help that everyone kept telling me I’d added weight, every five seconds. All this made me start extremely rigid diets that didn’t make the situation better.
I initially blamed my weight loss on work stress and relationship weight. But I knew it was due to my eating habits. I was eating like a child who’d been starved for the longest time and was so happy to see food. I’d enter the kitchen, eat cereal as breakfast, and two slices of bread cause I felt like it.
Then I’d tell myself, “maybe I should eat bread and egg.” That’s how I’d end up eating a full day’s meal in one hour. And it continued like that throughout the day. After eating that much, I hated myself; I felt disgusted to the point where I couldn’t look at my body in the mirror, and I’d call myself all sorts of names.
One thing about me, I would always research. I knew my eating habit wasn’t normal so I had to figure out what the problem was. I researched unhealthy eating habits online and asked questions, but I kept seeing and hearing the same thing: “You just need to eat healthy,” how helpful. One fateful day, I was scrolling through TikTok when I discovered someone who talked about her binge-eating disorder.
I could relate to everything she was saying; it was as if she was me and I was her. I went deeper and discovered her Youtube channel and a book she wrote; I read and watched everything. I’m not sure I have her disorder because I haven’t sought a professional yet, but at least, I feel closer to an answer than I did before.
What I learnt from reading about the binge-eating disorder
I’ve learnt so much from reading about binge-eating disorder, and it has, to an extent, affected my eating habits positively. I’ve learnt that:
Intermittent fasting and other restrictive forms of dieting aren’t good. When we place restrictions on what we can and can’t eat, our brains start creating compulsions and obsessive thoughts. At some point, we cave and it becomes extreme.
Feeling guilty after eating isn’t normal, and it’s one of the first signs of an unhealthy eating habit. If you do this, you’ll be unhappy when you don’t get the desired results and this can lead to bigger problems such as depression and low self-esteem.
Counting calories, consistently obsessing over the scale and cutting out foods, can turn into unhealthy habits. Don’t starve yourself or eat a tiny portion of food just because you ate too much the day before.
Never put yourself under pressure when it comes to weight loss. Don’t say things like, “I need to lose 5kg in one month.” Just focus on your workouts and healthy eating habits. Don’t rush; it’s a marathon, not a race (Sounds cliche but it’s true).
No food is bad food. What’s most important is finding a balance. So please, don’t say you won’t eat that slice of bread because it’s “unhealthy”.
Workout to be fit and strong, not just for weight loss (This is a tough one for me).
Now that I’ve discovered that binge-eating can actually be an eating disorder, I’m thinking of seeking a professional. But I’ve also been doing some ground work on my own, trying to change my eating habits, and so far, it hasn’t been too bad.
I still struggle with binge eating; it’s not something you can just stop immediately, but you can make an effort. I guess this is where professional help comes in. Once in a while, I fall back into my restrictive dieting ways and try to lose a lot of weight in an unhealthy amount of time. Like two weeks ago, when I tried to lose 4kg in two weeks. I wore a dress that was my size at the beginning of the year, and all of a sudden it was tight. This instantly triggered my need to lose weight fast. I felt like I was about to pass out from killing myself at the gym and not eating.
The good thing is I’m learning from my mistakes. Right now, I’m staying away from the scale and just focusing on cardio and weight training, while finding a balance in my diet. Wish me luck.
I don’t drink beer, but I’m surrounded by people that do. And one thing I’ve noticed is that the beer you drink says a lot about the type of person you are. I’ve listed eight different beer brands Nigerians like to drink, and what they each say about their drinkers.
By the way, happy International Beer Day. Buy a big bottle of your favourite beer to celebrate today, and be sure it’s mortuary standard.
Heineken
If you’re drinking Heineken, there’s a high chance you’re a tired Nigerian father. You’re all about comfort. After a whole day of grappling with children wahala, you just want to chill and drink your beer in peace without anybody disturbing you. You prefer to stay in your house and watch TV, instead of going out. Once in a while, you hang out with friends, and that’s your only outing for the month. You no dey do pass yourself.
Budweiser
You think you’re rich and cool, and all your money goes to enjoyment. Any small thing, you’re shouting, “If I broke na my business!” You love to turn up and people can never find you in your house. Sometimes, your friends worry about your liver and they also wonder if your energy comes from cocaine.
Trophy
If you drink Trophy, you’re the firstborn of your family who’s always dealing with family responsibilities. Or you’re a 9–5er who’s always on the verge of quitting their job.
Some people argue that Guiness isn’t beer, but that’s their business. If you’re a Guiness fan, you have your fun moments but also tend to take certain things very seriously, like sports. You like to feel like you’re best in sports; you can’t play any, but you can talk ehn! Somebody can’t even have small football argument with you, because you’ll start getting angry. You don’t have patience and tend to lose your temper fast, you’re always changing it for people left and right.
Orijin
Orijin isn’t a beer but if you say it outside, people will fight you. If you’re not an armed robber or agbero, you’re a babalawo. Period. You like trenches music; I’m sure your favourite artist is Bella Shmurda or Naira Marley. Your legwork dance is the type they do at Oshodi under bridge.
If you’re drinking Goldberg in 2022, you’re definitely a man in his 50s who cheats on his wife. Either that or you’re just someone going through a midlife crisis.
Hero (or Life)
If you drink Hero or Life beer, you’re most likely Igbo, and you enjoy listening to high-life music from Sony Bobo and Oriental Brothers. You like to go to the beer parlour to eat Nkwobi and relax. For you to drink either of these old beers means you don’t like change.
STAR
You’re playful and friendly: the type that walks into a building and is able to talk and blend in anywhere and with everyone. You’re that friend that people complain about for greeting too many people on the road. You also don’t like wahala; you prefer to stay away from anything that’ll cause a fight — the type to leave change with the bus conductor because he’s raising his voice.
Gulder
You’re either 50+ or a 50+ person in the body of a young person. You spend your time thinking and talking about how life used to be better in the past, and how things aren’t the same no more. You don’t joke with your money and when it comes to hustling, you’re number one. They can call upon you to do any work, as long as money is involved.
Nigerian men are wicked, we’ve all agreed to that. But how do you recognise one before you enter wahala and fall in love with him? As someone who has suffered at the hands of Nigerian men, I have the answer to this question. Pay very close attention to the things I’ve listed below.
He wears necklaces
Necklaces = shackles. Please my dears, let’s be careful. The goal is to break every chain of evil and wickedness, not to be trapped by them. That’s why you should stay away from a man that wears necklaces. Slavery has been abolished; let’s not go back to it.
He owns a jalabiya
The jalabiya is so that he can have enough free space for their wickedness to breathe. Once you see a man wearing it, it means they want to perform a special act of wickedness. If you know what’s good for you, better hide.
He has the letter “E” in his name
Once his name has “E” inside, just remove your slippers and run away. That “E” stands for evil, and it is the ultimate form of wickedness. The one that’ll leave you on the floor crying while playing Burna’s “Last Last”. In fact, if he has the letters “A”, “D”, “U”, “T”, “C” and “B”, they’re wicked. Listen to me, I know what I’m saying.
He either cuts his hair really low or cuts it all off, so that breeze can blow his head. An uncluttered hair gives him space to think up many different ways that he manifests wickedness. Even the ones that have fade haircut, watch out for them.
He wears perfume
Especially those expensive oud perfumes that linger even after the person has left you for two days. He wants to use the lingering smell to attract you, after which he’ll break your heart. What’s worse is that after the heartbreak, the smell of his perfume will remain on your clothes. Please throw the clothes away for the sake of your mental health.
He’s on Twitter
Twitter is a melting point of “violence”. People are constantly fighting and being wicked to one another on that app. That’s exactly why any man you see on Twitter is a wicked man. Either he’s actively being evil on the app, or he’s there to get inspiration.
He wears ashewo shorts
This should have been the first thing on this list because this is the uniform of every wicked man. In fact, it’s what they all wear to their weekly wicked men’s association meeting. I’m sure in their first ever meeting they discussed how to use these shorts to lure people through their thighs. Before they unleash wickedness upon you. Don’t fall for it. It’s a trap.
This is their second uniform. Have you noticed how incredibly sexy a man looks in traditional wear? It’s all a part of his plan; he knows how irresistible he looks and how hard it is for people to stay away from him in such an outfit. Don’t allow him to win. A man that wears trad is at his peak level of wickedness. If he wears agbada, it’s worse, because the many layers of the agbada are extra storage for his evil behaviour.
He’s alive
Yes, because any man that exists or has ever existed is wicked. And yes, including my father, because I know that’s what you want to say next.
Ask a Lagos woman what she wants to eat and her first answer is “I don’t know” Her next answer is, “… pasta.” I need us to take a break for a bit and try out other meals. Beginning with meals from our beloved Nigeria, I’ve listed eight foods from different tribes across the country below. Try them and your life will never be the same.
Ekpang Nkukwo
Ekpang Nkukwo is cocoyam porridge, and it’s one of the traditional meals of the Akwa Ibom and Cross River State people. It’s made with freshly grated cocoyams wrapped in tender cocoyam or ugu leaves. It’s a meal that can be very stressful and time-consuming to make yourself. So take advantage of your next lunch/dinner and order ekpang, instead of ordering pasta for the third night in a row.
Gbanunu soup
Gbanunu soup is a traditional soup from Ondo state. There are no words to describe how delicious this soup is. As I’m thinking about it, I’m looking for where I can order a plate today. Eat gbanunu with pounded yam or pupuru (cassava flour) which tastes just as good as any other swallow out there.
Ji mmiri oku
You’re ordering pasta when there’s hot, sweet yam pepper soup? Ji Mmiri Oku is a traditional meal of the Igbo people, and it tastes amazing — Yam pepper soup that’ll take you to a different realm entirely. Eat it on a rainy, cold day and experience it hit you differently.
An interesting fact: in Igbo land, this is usually the first dish given to a woman immediately after childbirth. It’s mostly prepared by her mother, who comes to take care of her for the first few months after childbirth (Omugwo).
Abanga is unripe plantain pottage. A traditional dish of the people of Brass and Nembe in Bayelsa state. Eat it with palm oil and pepper soup with an assortment of seafood inside, if you want maximum enjoyment.
Miyan taushe soup
Food from northern Nigeria is not as appreciated as it should be, and we need to change that because they taste great. Miyan Taushe (pumpkin soup) is one I wish I could eat as often as possible. There’s just something about the flavours in the soup that makes it taste as great as it does. It may have something to do with the combination of pumpkin and groundnut. The soup can be eaten with tuwo (rice fufu) or any other type of swallow.
Ukang ukom
Another plantain porridge meal, but Efik edition. If you ever go to a Calabar wedding, you’d find this meal being served there. It’s how Lagos people see Amala; a ceremony isn’t complete without Ukang Ukom on the menu. This shows you how special this food is and why more people need to eat it. I encourage (read as: order) you to enter a Calabar restaurant today and order this. Stop looking at the creamy pasta on that restaurant’s menu that will most likely only come with only two tiny pieces of chicken.
My first experience with afia efere (white soup) was when I visited a friend’s house and found her eating it. It’s a soup popular with the Efik people. Since that day, I haven’t looked back. Eat afia efere today and neither will you.
Ofe Onugbu
This is a very popular Igbo soup made from bitter leaf and cocoyam paste. It’s so interesting how something so delicious comes from something so bitter. I recommend this soup to anyone and everyone. To enjoy it well, eat it with very hot eba.
I need all Nigerian men to be more experimental when it comes to dying their hair. Instead of always blonde or light brown, try these hair colours listed below.
Nigeria green
They say charity begins at home, abi? That’s a good enough reason to dye your hair green. This is a chance to confidently represent Nigeria. Although, with the way this country is going, there’s not much to represent. So maybe dye your hair the colour of money, green, to show that money is entering your account.
All the colours of the rainbow
Why do one colour when you can do seven? Plus, it’s a great way to show you’re an ally of the LGBTQ+ community. And you’re being creative and adventurous. Take risks and try this.
Toilet roll white
I specifically said toilet roll white, so you know the exact type of white I’m talking about; clean, plain white. A lot of men tend to underestimate how sexy white hair can look on them. Besides, for those who have a few white strands here and there, this is a chance to go all out and just dye everything.
Yes, Nigerian men dye their hair pink, but not bubblegum pink. The type that’ll make people notice you from across the room. If you’re trying to catch the eye of your crush, use this colour. They’ll notice you immediately. Take it from me.
Fanta orange
Speaking of being noticed from across the room, this is another colour to try. Fanta represents enthusiasm and excitement. This is a way to tell people you’re fun and the life of the party.
Laptop grey
There’s a difference between white and grey hair dye. Grey is a lot more subtle. Try this if you don’t want something too daring, and especially if you’re wearing a three-piece suit. I guarantee that people will be in awe of how stunning you look.
Red and black
When you’re trying out this colour combination, please make sure you’re not living in your Nigerian parents’ house. Because they’ll immediately think you’ve joined some kind of cult.
Turquoise
Turquoise is such a gorgeous sexy colour that’ll look so great on dark-skinned men especially. If there’s any colour you should try on this list, it’s this one, or at least, start with this one. I feel like your skin glows with this colour.
Purple
Purple isn’t so bold. So you can try it when you want to do something unique with your hair but don’t want to stand out too much.
I’m begging Nigerian youths to try something outside the box of bread or indomie and egg. I know it’s easier and faster (and cheaper) to just eat certain meals in particular ways sometimes, but once in a while, at least do something different with your food. Do you know all the many different things you can do with eggs? Let me tell you.
Noodles and egg frittata
Indomie and egg but make it fancy. If you have Indomie in your house, get up and make this meal now now. I promise you’ll come back and thank me later.
Egg and corned beef was something I discovered one day when I was looking for what to eat and I was tired of sunny side up and scrambled eggs. At that time, I just thought to add the most random thing I saw in the store: corned beef. I didn’t know it was an actual thing until I found recipes online. There’s a recipe I found that I really like.
A very popular meal that needs to be made more often. Instead of eating plantain and egg separately, why not combine them? I wish plenty of dollars upon the person that thought of this. There are two ways you can make it. You can either cook it on the stove or bake it in the oven. They both slap.
The Nigerian woman in me had to add a pasta recipe. It even tastes too good for it not to be here. It’s a very simple meal you can cook with ingredients you already have in your house.
Release yourself from the shackles of the regular bread and eggs and try something new. I like to deceive myself with this recipe by saying I’m eating healthy because it’s a “salad”.
Wait first. Before you roll your eyes and say that I’ve come again with another strange recipe, you should know that a lot of smoothies do have eggs inside. Adding eggs to themadds much needed protein to your diet. You can make this smoothie with any fruit of your choice.
This is a cocktail that is mixed by adding egg whites to gin. I promise you it doesn’t taste as weird as it sounds. When making it, if you don’t have the simple syrup, just use honey instead.
Another great cocktail made from gin and egg whites. The major difference between this one and the cocktail above is the fact that you’re adding bitters.
Instead of chicken shawarma, try this instead. If you want to make it a little healthier, don’t add mayonnaise, or replace mayo with Greek yoghurt. I try this every once in a while when I have shawarma bread in my kitchen.
The only type of salad I truly like to eat. I’ve eaten this boiled pasta salad a gazillion times and I’m still not tired of it. If you’re not trying any other thing on this list, try this one.
I know I said release yourself from the shackles of bread and egg but this one is different. This is the ultimate sandwich because there’s fried egg above and below the bread. Check out the recipe and see what I’m talking about.
I was having a conversation with my friend, and at some point, he said, “If I die now, you can take my clothes.” I started to think about wills and how young men like him feel about writing them.
I spoke to seven young Nigerian men, and the first thing they all mentioned is that right now, they’ve not acquired anything, so there’s nothing to put in any will yet. Apart from that, this is what else they had to say.
“Men are more pressured to have wills and leave stuff behind compared to women”
— Kamsi*, 31
I think coming up with a will is going to be more pressure than stress. Men are more pressured to have wills and leave things behind compared to women. In our geographical context, it’s the man’s “duty”. I’ve never really seen a case where a woman leaves a will when she’s still happily married to her husband. I usually only see it when she’s a widow or a divorcee. All the work you put in in your career, as a man, is hardly ever for yourself — more for your dependents.
“I don’t want any useless long-distance family members coming to claim what isn’t theirs.”
— Danjuma*, 24
I’m in total support of writing wills. Mostly because when I die, I don’t want any useless long-distance family members coming to claim what isn’t theirs in the name of “tradition.” When my dad died, I heard stories about a lot of this rubbish, and I’m not going to stress my family with that.
“I already have my lawyers. Once I start acquiring assets, I’ll begin writing my will”
— Tobi*, 26
Writing a will is something that crosses my mind quite often. In fact, I already have my lawyers. Once I start acquiring assets, the writing begins. I learnt the importance of having a will from my friend’s dad. He once told me the story of his grandfather, who was a wealthy man, but none of the wealth got to his family. His family lost everything they had when he died because there was no will. So his dad had to start from scratch. Their family went from receiving healthcare abroad to not being able to afford shoes for school. I’d never want to put my kids through that kind of thing.
“The reason why I work so hard is because I want to leave enough for my family behind when I die”
— Ayo*, 22.
I’ve never really thought wills until now. I’d say they seem cool on paper and in movies. They mostly do what they’re supposed to, right? Distribute your assets and wealth to whomever you love — sounds fun. But then it can also be really stressful. Personally, I’m trying to die empty, and that’s why I’d like to have a will. Also, I want things to be clear to everyone so that my family doesn’t fight.
I’ve thought about my life for the long term though. And the reason why I work so hard is because I want to leave enough for my family behind when I die. I want to build generational wealth so my family won’t have to work.
Sometimes, I think about my great-great-grandfather and I’m like, “Why didn’t that man just work hard, for fuck’s sake?” I don’t want anyone thinking that about me.
“The drive to make money for me is not to leave behind, it’s to do what I can while I’m here”
— James*, 34
I’ll definitely have a will in the future. I think it’s important to have one. I’m an Igbo man; if I don’t have a will, my external family may come and try to claim things. Asides that, as a man, you’re more pressured to have one, because you’re the “breadwinner” of the family. As far as structure, men are the ones expected to have a will. The only time you hear conversations about women having wills is when it’s a single mum, a celebrity, or an extremely wealthy woman.
The drive to make money for me is not to leave behind, it’s to do what I can while I’m here. If you’re leaving assets behind, it’s for your immediate family — your wife and children. But I want to help everyone around me while I’m alive.
I know people say they don’t fear death, but I do, and writing a will makes me think of death. If God grants me good health, I’ll write one in my dying days, and everything’ll probably go to my wife and kids. But right now, I don’t like to think about it.
“It’s something you just have to do so the people you leave behind can have a soft landing.”
— Tunji*, 27
I’ve thought about having to write a will sometime in the future. To be honest, I really don’t know what to expect. I’m not sure how that’s going to go, and I’m not exactly completely sure how I feel about it. But I guess it’s something you just have to do so the people you leave behind will have a soft landing. I think it’s a necessary thing — a show of love to your loved ones. You’re telling them, “I’m still with you, and this is how I’m going to support you.”
Have you ever imagined what it would be like if some of your favourite Nollywood OG actors had Youtube channels? Well, I was bored, so I picked some and imagined what their channels would be about.
P.S: I don’t know the true personalities of the actors, so my imagination is based on their movie characters and what I’ve seen on their social media pages.
Patience Ozokwor
I can almost swear Patience Ozokwor would make videos giving advice to mothers and mothers-in-law. She’d talk about how not to let your child’s spouse be more important than you in their life. Once in a while, she’d also provide tips on handling (revenging against) people that mess with you in any way.
"Hello everyone. Welcome to my Youtube channel. Today, I want to talk about how daughters-in-law like to feel they’re more important than you in your son's life. It’s a topic that’s very personal to me, which is why I decided to talk about it today. These girls need to know just because they married your son doesn’t mean they’re now the number one woman in his life. But before that, a shoutout to the sponsors of this video, Meiran Rat Poison. This is the most potent rat poison out there. It can kill rats and humans. Oh sorry, I shouldn’t have said that."
Chinedu Ikedieze and Osita Iheme
These two would make prank videos every single chance they get. They’ll prank their friends, family, colleagues and even strangers. And their pranks would range from downright outrageous to almost life-threatening.
"Hi guys. Welcome back to our Youtube channel. Since the last video in which we gave our friend a laxative did so well, we decided to prank him again. This time, we’ll be mixing pepper with itching powder and putting it in his clothes."
Funke would do weekly vlogs about her life. She’d take you around, showing you aspects of life as a mother, to being an actress and producer on set, to all the many other things she does. Then, she’d sprinkle a bit of dancing here and there.
"Hi guys. Welcome back to another week in the life of Funke Akindele. I have a packed week this week, and I'll be taking you guys along. Also, I learnt a new dance yesterday, and I’ll be showing you. By the way, if you guys haven’t watched Jenifa, I don’t know what you’re doing. Episode 1001 will air tomorrow, and this one introduces another Instagram influencer."
Kanayo O. Kanayo
Kanayo’s Youtube channel would be filled with videos of him teaching people how to become billionaires before the age of 30. His tips, of course, wouldn’t be anything you’d expect.
"Good afternoon and welcome back. Today, I’ll be giving you people another tip on how to make money in the fastest way possible. If you really want to get rich fast, it’s important that you’re willing to do any and everything. Today’s tip involves some special "ingredients".
She’d definitely do beauty and travel vlogs. Genevieve’s vlogs would show you how she’s living a soft, relaxed life. She’d do those “Day in the Life” videos where she goes shopping then to the beach to relax. Her travel vlogs would be filled with luxury flights, hotels, restaurants, clothes, etc.
"Heyy! Welcome back to my Youtube channel everyone! I’m so excited because I’m in Mexico right now, and I’m about to head down to the beach. But before that, I’d like to show you guys a quick skincare routine to do so your skin isn’t affected by the sun."
Jim Iyke
I see Jim Iyke creating “bad boy” content on his Youtube channel. He’d advise men on the different ways to “get” a woman without doing too much. He’d also teach them how to behave in relationships so the man is never in a position of weakness. Once in a while, he’d drag people who leave negative comments under his videos.
"Welcome to my Youtube channel. My name is Jim Iyke, and today, we’ll be talking about why men should never be in a position where they’re heartbroken. A man doesn’t get his heart broken, he breaks hearts instead."
Pete Edochie
Half of Pete Edochie’s videos would be him speaking in parables and telling stories about things that happened when he was young. In the other half, he would tell men to be men and teach them what they should and shouldn’t do in different aspects of their lives. He’d give them advice on how to always be the head, and to never let a woman tell them what to do.
"Today is a great day to be a man. If you’re a woman, this channel isn’t for you. They say no matter how strong the lioness is in the jungle, she will always go back home and obey her master, the lion. Today, I want to talk to men who have working wives. Just because she goes to the office and has her own money doesn’t mean she shouldn’t answer to you."
RMD would’ve been a fashion vlogger, giving us different types of fashion hauls. He’d show you how to dress for all events and situations, and how to put outfits together from different items in your wardrobe. Once in a while, he’d show you part of his baby boy lifestyle, which mostly involves travelling and enjoying life.
"Hi guys. Welcome back to my Youtube channel. Today, I’ll be showing you the different ways you can dress to be a wedding guest. From suits to trad to simple formal wear, I’ll be showing you everything. All the links to my outfits would be in the description box below."
Mercy Johnson
Mercy Johnson’s YouTube would be filled with family vlogs and storytime videos. She’d show you her life as a mum and wife, and how she balances it with her career.
"Hello Hello! Welcome back, everyone! Today, I’ll be doing a storytime video telling you about the time I got my first acting job. It was such an experience and I can’t even — *begins to cry intensely*"
Eucharia-Anunobi Ekwu
Eucharia would give the most “interesting” advice to women on her channel. She’d tell them how to be their own definition of classy, how to dress as a woman, what to do and what not to do. She’d be our Youtube mummy.
"Hello, and welcome back to my channel. To all the women out there, I want you to know you can still be sexy while covering your body. You think showing your genitals and mammary glands to the public is sexy? Nah, that’s dirty and vulgar. Sexy is being smart, creative, godly and compassionate. "Michael Jackson never showed his genitals to the public, yet people were drooling over him."
Nigeria is hard these days, and things are getting more expensive day by day, but man must chop. These nine recipes work with tight budgets and ingredients you already have in your kitchen or can easily be sourced.
Plantain fufu
When you’re tired of eating staple swallows like eba, pounded yam, etc. It’s also a lot healthier and lighter. Enjoy with your favourite soups.
An interesting way to eat garri that I totally recommend. It’s not every time you have to drink garri and groundnut. Sometimes you have to try things outside the box. I doubted the recipe until I tried it, and I haven’t looked back since then.
I’m including this recipe here because I’ve tried it and it bangs. There’s a whole video of me trying it, and I was shocked at how good it tasted. The recipe isn’t complicated; just fry plantain and eat with vanilla ice cream.
I like to believe that spaghetti Jollof is a staple in every Nigerian home. In my house, we make it at least twice a week, because it’s easy to make and doesn’t cost much. But just because it’s quick to make doesn’t mean you should cook it anyhow. Here’s a recipe that’ll have you feeling bougie.
This is one of the ways Indians like to make bread and eggs. It’s sort of the same way you make French toast, but you add a few other ingredients like tomatoes, onions and pepper.
Most people include flour when making yamarita, but I just found out that you can do without the flour and it would still taste great. I’m very excited about this because I stopped making yamarita due to the high price of flour, but now I’m back. These are the things I love to see.
I genuinely thought the process of making plantain chips was a long, difficult one until I read the recipe. Please why have I been buying plantain chips instead of making them in my house?
The day my mother cooked this at home, I wondered what was going through her mind. Why did she think mixing rice and corned beef was a thing to do? Then I tried it and all my doubts went out the window. Try this recipe out today.
Most of the time, when people are fighting with their partners, they like to eat because they’re upset, sad or stressed. Here are the best comfort foods to help you through these times.
Cold eba and any soup
Fighting can drain your mental and physical strength. You’ll need the energy to fight your partner back, and that’s why eba is a great choice Hot eba do usually cause sleep, but if it’s hard and cold? Instant energy.
Ponmo or any other strong meat
Use all the anger you have in your body to chew stong ponmo or any other type of hard meat. Focus your energy on transferring aggression to strong cow hide. By the time you’re done chewing, you won’t have any energy to fight again.
Pap
If you don’t have the energy to fight and you want to keep your mind away from it, sleep. If you want to have the kind of deep sleep that makes you forget you exist, eat very hot pap with plenty of milk and sugar. By the time you wake up, you won’t even remember that you have a partner, talk more of fighting with them.
Life is for enjoyment and not for stress or suffering. Why waste all that time fighting with your significant other when you could be enjoying life? Abeg, forget about them and eat some fried rice and a big piece of chicken.
Brownies and ice cream
If the fight is serious and you’re sad, ice cream and brownies can be the perfect comfort food. Nothing does it better than sweet junk food. To make it better, eat the brownies while watching a rom-com.
Avocado
I added this option not for you to eat (because avocados shouldn’t count as food in any shape or form), but for you to take your anger out on them. Buy avocados and smash them with your fists — or a wooden spoon. I’m not even joking, I’ve done this before and it helped.
As a Nigerian woman, there’s no way I could leave this option out. Mostly because pasta is one of the greatest foods ever created. Once you eat some spaghetti Bolognese or some creamy penne pasta, you’ll be so happy and joyous that you won’t even care about the fight anymore. Your partner is forgiven instantly.
Amala
Amala, ewedu and gbegiri is such a top-tier meal that it deserves to be eaten in every situation. Whether you’re upset, happy, fighting with your partner, or you’re happy together with them, eat amala and maintain happiness.
Somebody else’s work
Why stress yourself out by fighting your partner when you can eat someone else’s work?
