Dammy Eneli, Author at Zikoko!

Christmas season is here, and I’m excited for all the food I’ll eat this period. I’m doing this thing where, for 12 days of December (any 12 consecutive days before Christmas), I’ll make a different thing to eat and drink. I want you to join me, so I’ve written a list of the 12 recipes we’ll be trying. Let me know how it goes.

Day 1

Turkey and plantain pepper soup

I made this meal after a long ass day at work, and after eating it, I felt instant relief. I no longer wanted to throw hands at my colleagues or cry out of frustration. This is exactly why you should use this recipe to start your Christmas holiday; it’s deliciously soothing. After a long work year, it’s exactly what you need. Don’t try it when the weather is too hot sha.

Get recipe at Sisi Yemmie

Day 2

Tropical fried rice

The normal fried rice you cook at parties with a twist. This one is a bit more festive and includes coconut and pineapple. Before you open your mouth and say, “Who puts pineapples in fried rice?” Try it first.

Find recipe at All Nigerian Recipes

Day 3

Zobo Martini

Time to open the Zobo that’s been in your fridge for a few days, and use it to make a unique martini. I’m not a fan of Zobo, but I’d gladly drink it when mixed with vodka.

Find recipe at Guardian Life

Day 4

Peppered cow liver

I believe the liver is one of the most delicious parts of the cow. If you disagree with me, argue with the cow. Instead of the usual hard chicken piece, small chops should include peppered cow liver. It’s that delicious.

Find the recipe at Ada’s Recipes

Day 5

Yaji chicken pops

Image credit: Dobby’s signature

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, fiiiiive chicken pops! Nigerians have found a way to make chicken pops better, and it’s by adding yaji pepper to it. They can be eaten alone or with fries, yam chips or anything you want honestly. They can be addictive, so good luck.

Find the recipe on Dobby’s Signature

Day 6

Hot chocolate Baileys

We don’t have winter in Nigeria, but you can put on your AC, or sit in front of a fan, and have this hot drink while watching a cliche Christmas movie. It’s Milo with a bit of alcohol inside.

Find recipe on Marley’s Menu

Day 7

Puff puff and Ice cream

Photo credit: Folahan

The fluffiness of hot puff puff mixes so well with cold vanilla ice cream and makes it so sweet. If I had my way (and a fast metabolic system), I’d eat this for breakfast, lunch and dinner. In case you don’t want to buy puff puff…

Find a recipe on how to make it at Immaculate Bites

Day 8

Ponmo sauce

This is basically low-budget Nkwobi; instead of cow leg, use ponmo. It still slaps.

Find recipe at Ada’s recipes

Day 9

Pineapple and watermelon mocktail

I’m actually begging you, take a break from that pack of Chivita and try something different today. The watermelon and pineapple mocktail is a really sweet drink that can be made in minutes. Make it in a large batch and just drink it over the week — or in one day, if you’re like me.

Find the recipe at Times of India

Day 10

Chocolate fudge brownie ice cream

Go back and read the name of the recipe again. If you ever want to taste happiness, try this recipe. The Christmas holiday is for eating all sorts of junk food in the name of celebration, and this ice cream, is the right place to start from.

Get the recipe at Cravings of a Lunatic

Day 11

Mkpafere soup

Mkpafere soup looks like oha soup but tastes different. Just put back the ingredients you’ve brought out for the okra soup you want to make, and start preparing for Mkpafere. I promise you’ll love it. If you have money, add prawns inside.

Find recipe at Sisi Yemmie

Day 12

Bee’s Knees

The Bee’s Knees is a cocktail made with gin, lemon and honey. It’s actually kinda sweet, and that’s why you’d love it. Plus, the name is weird; the weirder the name of the drink, the better.

Get the recipe at Cookie+Kate

ALSO READ: How to Eat Like a Food Blogger on a ₦30k Budget This Detty December
Many people tend to couple up once the Christmas season starts. And it’s not just because of love. One reason is they’re not going home for Christmas, so they want someone to spend all their time with. Here are eight other reasons.

You’ll have someone to take home

Every time you visit your family, they ask when you’ll marry. If you date in December, you’ll have someone to take home for the Christmas holiday. Your family will think it’s serious and stop harassing you about marriage. Only you and your December lover will know the truth.

Shared Uber fare

Uber and Bolt prices are so high in December that you’ll be tempted to just buy your own car. But if you date someone during this period, you’ll have someone to share the fare with (as long as you go out together). And if they’re rich enough, they’ll pay the entire thing.

They’ll always have your time

From the second/third week in December, most workplaces would’ve closed for the year. If you date someone now, they’ll have your time. No more I’m busy chasing KPIs.

You can date an IJGB

You get the opportunity to have a sweet Christmas romance with an IJGB who’ll spend foreign currency on you. You won’t have to worry about an eventual long-distance relationship. Because you both understand the relationship is just for the holiday. In January, they can peacefully return to their country, and everybody will be okay.

ALSO READ: How to Eat Like a Food Blogger on a ₦30k Budget This Detty December

You’ll get a Christmas present

If no one else gets you a Christmas present, your December partner will. And that’s a good enough reason to date this Christmas.

You’ll have someone to take pyjamas pictures with

You won’t be tensioned by other couples’ cute pyjama pictures because you’ll have someone to take yours with. Even though the relationship is only short-term, people will still “awww” under the post. And that’s what matters.

No dating stress

There’s less pressure because no one needs to worry about the relationship’s future. You do everything based on vibes and enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts.

You won’t attend events alone

Just in case your friends are coupled up or busy with other things, you’d have someone to go to events with. And both of you can do those annoying couple things like feed each other food, take cute pictures, kiss, etc.

ALSO READ: 8 Ways to Make Next Year’s Rent This December
The Art of Technology Lagos (AOT) conference is Nigeria’s largest annual technology conference, bringing together important players from the public and private sectors to debate policies and initiatives that will pave the way for the creation of a smarter, digital, efficient, and competitive Lagos.

Together with the Lagos State Government, the economic and technological core of Nigeria, Eko Innovation Centre, one of the leading tech hubs in Nigeria, is organizing the conference. Eko Innovation Centre is responsible for organizing events such as MarkHack, the Lagos Smart Meter Hackathon, EkoClimathon, and Security hackathon

Talent Acceleration will be the primary emphasis of AOT 4.0, with a ten-year plan developed to increase the talent acceleration pipeline to ensure the sustainability of talent and, hence, the delivery of a Smarter Lagos.

At AOT 4.0, the Tech Ecosystem Award will be presented for the first time to recognize the efforts of individuals, groups, and businesses that have contributed significantly to the expansion and improvement of Nigeria’s technology sector. There were five main categories and twenty minor ones for nominations.

The award nomination voting ended on November 15, 2022, with over twenty thousand (20,000) votes cast across all categories. The winners will be revealed and acknowledged during the Gala and Awards Night, which is slated for December 9th, 2022.

In keeping with this year’s conference theme, the conference committee, led by the Special Adviser to the Lagos State Governor on Innovation and Strategy, went on a Hub Tour to educate startup founders on the importance of promoting policies that benefit the ecosystem and to extend an invitation to attend the conference. Co-Creation Hub, Impact Hub, Hub One, and Nest Hub were among the hubs visited

AOT 4.0 conference committee led by Special Adviser to the Lagos State Governor on Innovation and Strategy at Co-Creation Hub a Hub Tour

Founder, Eko Innovation Centre, Victor Afolabi addressing startups at Impact Hub

Special adviser to the Lagos State Governor on Innovation and Strategy, Tunbosun Alake addressing startups at Co-Creation Hub during the Hub Tour

AOT 4.0 conference committee led by Special Adviser to the Lagos State Governor on Innovation and Strategy with Startup Founders from Hub one and Nest Hub

AOT 4.0 conference committee led by Special Adviser to the Lagos State Governor on Innovation and Strategy with Hub one and Nest Hub Management Team

The AOT 4.0 will hold at the Landmark Event Centre in Lagos, Nigeria, on December 8th and 9th, and will feature thirteen (13) plenary speakers, three (3) guest speakers, five (5) keynote speakers, and more than thirty-five thousand (35,000) registered participants from all sectors of the technology industry, including policymakers, enthusiasts, ecosystem players, investors, business founders and executives, venture capital firms, startups, and technology talent.

To be a part of the event, click on the link to register Here
If you’re thinking of dating a gym bro, wait first. Before you make your decision, read about the pros and cons of being with a gym lover first. I’ve listed seven important ones below. If you’re already dating one, well…I don’t know whether to say that I’m happy for you, or to say sorry. Whichever one applies to you.

Pro: He’ll do all the heavy lifting

You don’t have to worry about changing the water dispenser ever again. He lifts heavier than that in the gym. When you both go grocery shopping, you won’t have to worry about carrying the bags.

Con: He’ll use soreness as an excuse to not do anything

Ask him to wash plates, and it’s, “My body hurts from all the weights I carried at the gym. I really pushed myself.”

Pro: He’ll never get tired in bed

All that cardio gives him great stamina to last long during sex. He won’t start breathing heavily after two minutes just because of small thrusting and moving around.

Con: Forget about morning sex

No early morning sex for you because your gym bae will be at the gym from 5:30 a.m. No late morning or afternoon sex either because he’ll be too tired from the gym. Sigh.

Pro: It’s easy to get them presents

Just buy him the latest gym supplement, a new gym bag or workout clothes and shoes, and he’ll love you forever.

Con: Money for dates will go to gym supplements

Instead of taking you to nice places, he’ll spend all his money on pre-workout and whey protein supplements. Na wa o.

ALSO READ: You People Are Spending This Much Money on Gym?

Pro: He’ll never get tired of you sleeping on his arms

The weight of your head is nothing compared to the dumbbells and barbells he carries every day. Even if your whole body is on his arm, he won’t feel it.

Con: He has muscles but can’t fight

With all his big muscles, there’s a high chance he can’t fight. So you can’t even threaten anybody who tries to mess with you by telling them, “My boyfriend will beat you.” It’s like having a pet dog that can’t scare intruders.

Pro: He’ll help with your fitness goals

You’ll never slack with your fitness goals. He’ll help you stay on track with your diet and make you follow them to the gym.

Con: He’ll talk and talk about gym stuff

He’ll use every opportunity he gets to talk about gym-related things. Every five seconds, you’ll hear about reps and gains. What about gains in the bank account or the holy spirit?

Pro: They’re always cooking

Gym bros cook a lot because their meals must be made in specific ways to fit their diets. So you’ll never have to worry about hunger because he’ll cook for both of you. I’m not saying it’ll be sweet sha.

Con: He’ll try to make you join annoying diets

He’s depriving himself of things and wants you to join him in his suffering. Tayo, I don’t care about having a flat stomach. I want to eat shawarma.

Pro: He’s very nice to look at

His hot gym body is always nice to look at and touch. Yes, please, flex those muscles for me.

Con: Other people think so too

As you’re staring at his lovely body, thinking how you can’t wait to be all over that, somebody else is doing the same. And because he’s a man, he’ll cheat.

Pro: He can lift you up

He’ll lift you up without stress. Whether it’s during sex, when your feet are hurting, or when you want to see the stage at a concert and everyone’s blocking you.

Con: Pillow fights become dangerous

You can’t play certain games because one hit from him will send you to the emergency room.

ALSO READ: Pros and Cons of Being a Nigerian Gym Bro
It’s normal for people to date outside their tribe, country, race, etc., but that doesn’t always mean it’s easy. As a Nigerian, if you end up marrying someone outside of your country, there are certain things you’d have to explain. Such as…

Why agbo jedi jedi is taken after eating too much sugar

Nigerians take agbo jedi when they get stomach aches from eating too much sugar. A non-Nigerian won’t understand why you’re doing this instead of taking drugs. Just leave me and my agbo, please.

What you mean when you say, “Are you mad?”

Having to explain that “Are you mad?” isn’t you asking if they’re upset can be so annoying. They’re there saying, “Oh no. I’m not upset”, meanwhile, you were asking if they’re okay in the head.

Why there’s soup inside an ice cream container

As Nigerians, we have the skills to know when an ice cream container has ice cream and when it has soup. But your non-Nigerian partner may not, so they’ll have to deal with the anxiety of not knowing which is which. And that’ll be stressful for your relationship.

Why you say “omo” 500 times a day

How do you want to tell someone “omo” is an expression used in every situation? It’s just something you say.

Why you say, “Sorry, please, excuse me,” before asking for anything

They won’t understand that Nigerians get upset over every small thing, so you have to apologise in advance and be extra polite.

Why you run away when strangers want to ask for directions

When random strangers (most especially older adults) approach you in Nigeria, there’s a high chance they want to use jazz (witchcraft) to collect all your money. But how do you explain that to a non-Nigerian and not sound like a crazy person?

Why olive oil is the answer to everything

They’ll tell you they have a headache, and when you want to rub “anointing oil” on their head, they’ll look at you funny. Meanwhile, in Nigeria, anointing oil is the answer to all our problems.

Why you have to say, “Put it on my head”

Imagine your partner asks where to put something, and you say, “Put it on my head”, and they actually try to do just that. You now have to go through the stress of explaining why you said the phrase in the first place. Abeg, it’s too much wahala.

Why you say parlour instead of living room

You’ll say, “Please, can you help me get my book from the parlour? And your partner will look at you confused as hell.

Why Nigerian events have different tickets for VIPs and regulars

Concert tickets abroad all have the same price. Not here. If you date someone who’s not Nigerian, you’d have to explain why the same concert sells tickets for ₦20k and ₦5m. The problem is, even you don’t know why.

Why you use feathers to clean your ear

There’s a sweet feeling that comes with using feathers to clean your ears instead of cotton buds. Not many people can relate.

Why gospel songs have to be played while doing chores every Saturday morning

Your partners won’t understand that playing gospel music while doing chores on a Saturday is a tradition in most Nigerian households. Such music is what makes the chores enjoyable.

Why we have to eat rice and stew on Sundays

At some point, your partner will ask why you guys are eating rice and stew for the 7th Sunday in a row, and they won’t understand that it’s tradition.

ALSO READ: 7 Times Nigerians Move In Silence
Landlords will soon start sending reminders for next year’s rent. But no need to worry; I’ve got you. Here’s how to make next year’s rent this December.

Attend parties to pack money

When you attend any owambe, just help them pack money. For every ₦3k you pick, keep ₦1k for yourself. This is stealing sha, just so you’re aware.

Give sacrifice on December 31

Just before you go into the new year, carry a calabash of fried yam, pounded yam, egusi, pasta and fried rice to any T-junction, and drop it there (you must do this naked). The next day, your landlord will receive credit alert on your behalf.

Beg

Head out into the streets with a sign saying, “Help. I’m trying to make next year’s rent.” People will understand your struggle and drop money for you. In one week, you’ll make your rent.

ALSO READ: 5 Nigerians Talk About Their Struggle With Raising Rent

Plant a money tree

Tega has already given instructions on how to do that in this article.

Find a sugar parent

Sugar parents always come through with the money. The problem is finding one in these streets. Between a sugar parent who doesn’t want sugar and a faithful Edo man, I don’t know which is tougher to find.

Ask your IJGB friends

£1 = ₦900 now. Please, bill your IJGB friends well. They’ll gladly give you the money because they won’t even feel it leaving their account.

Ask your parents

When all else fails, go back to the source with much humility, and say, “Mummy and daddy, please, help my life before I become homeless.” But be prepared to hear a long-ass lecture about responsibility and how you shouldn’t have moved out in the first place if you weren’t financially ready.

Stay inside

Step outside your house, and ₦50k has left your account. If you truly want to have your rent money by the end of December, stay inside your house. Watch all the concerts and parties on Snapchat, and you’ll be fine.

ALSO READ: Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”
Living with a baby is the ultimate mental health test because life can never be peaceful with them in your house. I’m talking about the babies that are about to become toddlers (10 months to 1 year), those ones are the worst. If you’ve ever lived with a baby (whether it’s yours or someone else’s), you’ll relate to these things.

They wake up and immediately cause chaos

They do this by crying the entire house down. How do you wake up and just start crying for no damn reason?

They’re always trying to hurt themselves

Look away for one second, and they’re on the verge of falling down the stairs and breaking their necks. They can’t see that their tiny legs can’t go down the stairs; all they see is a fun little adventure.

You’d be surprised what their poo smells like

How can one tiny human being produce such a foul smell? Blood of Jesus.

They sleep and wake up whenever they like

What’s their business if it’s 2 a.m. and you’re tired? As long as they’re awake, you have to be awake.

The house is never tidy

Their toys are all over the place all the time. The day isn’t complete if you don’t mistakenly step on one of them and cry in pain.

Get ready for your things to be destroyed

You’ll be searching for your phone, only to find out that they’ve put it in the toilet.

They communicate by crying

You always have to play the fun game of “Guess why I’m crying now.”

They always do crackhead things

Why do they think it’s okay to cover themselves in Vaseline, for God’s sake?

There’s wahala if they don’t get their way

Don’t give them what they want, and the floodgates of tears will come pouring down. Either that or they throw tantrums by throwing themselves on the floor. Who are you hurting, dear? Yourself.

Also read: If Your Year Was Full of Failed Talking Stages, You’d Relate to These 15 Memes
Remember the very first time you walked into the gym? Then I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to these memes.

You told yourself for the 97th time this year, that you’d go to the gym and build a fitness lifestyle. But even after buying new gym clothes, your friends still didn’t believe you’d actually do it.

But you prove them wrong and make it to the gym for the first time ever the next Saturday.

You’re excited and hopeful about this new fitness journey you’re about to embark on.

Only for you to get to the gym and see…

If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

What kind of wahala have you entered like this?

Anyway, you still register and pay for a subscription. Maybe your own won’t reach that level.

The gym has assigned an instructor to you. Now, you’re listening to him tell you all the exercises you’ll do. At some point, he mentions 250 burpees.

You and who?

The time has come for you to start exercising, and you’re begging God to help you survive it.

As you’re working out, somebody walks up to tell you you’re doing the exercise wrongly.

You continue lifting your weights the way you know how.

Your body starts to feel the exercise, and now, you’re struggling and vibrating as you try to do your last rep.

You come to the conclusion that weights aren’t for you.

And decide to join the cardio class instead. Big mistake.

This is how your chest is doing you after the class.

Omo, it’s like this gyming thing isn’t for you o.

All you’re thinking about now is the 20k fee you just paid. Would they refund you if you roll on the floor and cry?

ALSO READ: 5 Nigerian Memes You Can Use To Brag About Your Sexual Prowess
Going to a party alone can be the ultimate ghetto. Do you know how annoying it can be when you only know the celebrant of an event? If you’ve ever been to a party alone, you can relate to this.

You wake up in the morning and wonder why you agreed to go to this thing in the first place.

You hate that none of your friends can make it because they don’t know the person celebrating.

But oh well, what can you do? You have to go.

You’re dressed and ready to go. Looking like a sweet snack, you step out of your house.

You’ve gotten to the party, greeted the celebrant and now you’re just sitting in one corner, pressing your phone.

Boredom wants to finish you. You wish you could just go home, but you haven’t spent up to ten minutes.

You’re looking at everybody having fun with their friends, gisting, laughing and dancing. Mscheeew.

The celebrant offers you a drink and you gladly take it. Being bored and sober isn’t a good combination.

As you’re sitting jejely on your own, a stranger decides to walk up to you and try to toast you. As if this day couldn’t get any worse.

You’re on your fourth drink.

You stood up to dance, but everyone on the dance floor is grinding.

Omo

The alcohol in you says, “Fuck it”, and you get on the dance floor. You see a group of people dancing by themselves and decide to join them.

Before you know it, one foolish person is trying to dance with you.

What rubbish!

You decide to go back to your seat and have another drink.

Now, you’re bored again.

But you’re also drunk.

You decide it’s time to go home before you do something foolish in front of people you don’t know. Time to order Uber home.

You’ve gotten home, and now, you’re gisting your friend everything that happened. Never again.
Dwin, The Stoic is popularly known for his heartbreak songs. Every time, the man sings about how one Nigerian woman has broken his heart and he’s trying to recover. Since he’s so experienced in the field, I asked him to give his fellow brothers advice on how they can know a Nigerian woman is about to break their hearts.

This is what he said:

They stop using “we” and “us”

They start making plans for themselves. It starts with going to dinners and the movies without you, then it turns to full-blown trips, and before you know it, she has walked out of your life.

She doesn’t steal your food anymore

Nigerian women like food, especially the one that’s not their own. Just know the relationship is over when she stops stealing your fries or pinching from your chicken.

She doesn’t wear your clothes anymore

You come back home and see that your favourite t-shirt is still where you left it. Problem. If you can’t relate to tweets like, “My girl is stealing my hoodie, and it’s so annoying,” just know you’re a single man.

Get your tickets

She doesn’t do the little things

You’ve slept off in the living room without any covering, and the air conditioning is blasting at 16 degrees. If she sees you and leaves you to die of pneumonia, my brother, she’s no longer your girlfriend. She’s your roommate.

She starts getting annoyed by everything you do

Even the way you breathe starts to irritate her. If you mistakenly blink at her the wrong way, she’ll look at you with so much disgust, like you just farted. God, abeg o.

She’s always on the phone

She giggles and blushes every time she’s on the phone. What exactly is so funny? See, just know she’s laughing into another person’s arms.

She no longer insults you

Nigerian women show their love through insults. When you see she no longer calls you “Big head” or “Ode” or says, “You’re very foolish. Get out”, just quickly pack your load out of the relationship because heartbreak is coming.

Once you start noticing these signs, and then, she says, “We need to talk”, just run. Don’t wait for anything or ask any questions. Run.

By the way, come and listen to Dwin’s heartbreak songs and other jams at Z! Fest this Saturday.

Get your tickets
The FIFA World Cup has started, and now football fans worldwide won’t let other people hear word. Half of the world’s population is paying attention to it.

What’s now going to happen to the non-football fans that are forgotten by family, friends, lovers, colleagues etc.? What should they do with their time? If you’re not a football fan, you can use this time to:

Time travel

Use this opportunity to run away from adulting and travel to when you were still a child and had zero responsibilities and no worries. Since the world cup will be happening, not many people will notice your absence.

Learn how to play football

You’ve realised how much money footballers make from the world cup, and now you want to join because sapa is showing you shege. It may be too late to join this year’s World Cup. But if you train hard enough, maybe you can join them next year.

Get a new degree

You have enough time to go back to school, attend lectures, take exams and graduate with a new degree.

Discover the cure to a disease

While everybody is busy watching football, you can do more important things like saving people’s lives.

Watch the world cup

If you can’t beat them, join them.

Go for a reality TV show

Use the 28 days of the World Cup to enter a reality tv show and become famous yourself.

Fall in love and chop breakfast

You can meet a fellow non-football watcher and fall in love. But once World Cup ends, one of you will realise that your lack of interest in football was the only thing you had in common. And that’s how breakfast will be served. Maybe if you’re both still single after four years, you can reunite during the next World Cup.

Leave your job and travel

Your boss may be too distracted by the World Cup to notice you’re gone. Just make sure you come back before December 18. Or before their favourite team loses and crashes out of the tournament.

Get a PAGA card and go shopping

Paga has partnered with Visa and FIFA World Cup to bring you the Paga Visa card. This prepaid debit card can be used to buy things and withdraw cash in much the same way as regular debit cards.

Unlike a regular debit or credit card, a Paga Visa prepaid debit card doesn’t need to be linked to a traditional bank account. So there are no requirements like your great grand mother’s birth certificate or any other complex document to get the card. It also helps you manage your money and can be used anywhere in the world. Visit the website for more information about the card.
Have you ever been served food that looks like it was from the bottom of the pot an owambe? Meanwhile, the waiters pass snail, Chinese rice and pepper soup over your head to other guests. How is it that some people get the best food at these parties, but you keep getting one spoon of jollof rice and a hard piece of meat? It’s because everyone else follows our advice but you. Let me help you avoid that at your next owambe.

Become a server

Party servers always hoard the best food for themselves. At the end of the party, you’ll see them eating food that wasn’t even on the menu. Become a server, and you’ll have extra food to take home sef.

Pretend to be a server

If you can’t get the catering company to hire you days before the event, don’t panic. Just pretend you’re one. Get there while the caterer is setting up and steal somebody’s uniform. The owambe chaos will be too much for the caterer to even notice you’re not one of their people.

Know the person in charge of the food

You have to do your research to find out the names of at least five big aunties related to the hosts’ family. Trace them and befriend them. This is a lot of work for food you’re going to poop out sha.

Pretend to be the person in charge

Just walk around and start giving orders to the people serving food. Tell them who to serve to, and make sure they start with your table. If they ask who you are, just give them one serious traditional name and say you’re the person in charge.

Have the family aso ebi

Wearing the aso ebi for immediate family members gives you privileges like getting served the best food. I don’t know how you want to get the family aso ebi sha. Good luck with that.

Befriend an usher

Become good friends with one of the ushers and they’ll place you on the best table and make sure food gets to you.

Sit in front

The people at the front are the ones who get the best available food. Get to the party early, and sit in front. If they say it’s reserved for someone, say you’re that person.

Impersonate a family member

Say you’re one of the immediate family members of the host. If mother or father doesn’t work because you look too young, say you’re a sibling.

ALSO READ: How To Attend And Enjoy An Owambe Party Properly

Z FEST 2022

Buy your tickets
We’ve been shouting Z! Fest everywhere, talking about how it’ll be the best party of all time. But what exactly do we have planned for y’all?

Here’s a list:

Dance booth

Z! Fest 2021

You’ve been trying to learn legwork for the longest time, but you’re still doing nonsense. We’re giving you a chance to fix it. Come and dance with Liquorose and the GGB dance crew at the dance studio at Z! Fest. You’ll learn a thing or two.

Speed friendship

We wanted to do speed dating but realised Lagos people aren’t looking for love, so we changed it to speed friendship. This is the easiest way to make a new friend in five minutes.

Karaoke

Zikoko Hertitude 2022

The gag is, the person with the worst karaoke voice wins. All those days you spent singing badly in the shower weren’t for nothing. Your time has come.

Body painting

They say your body is a canvas (don’t ask me who). Z! Fest is bringing talented artists to draw whatever you want on your body.

Tarot card readings

I’m particularly interested in this one because I need some questions about my past and future answered. Like how did my mum not meet Otedola first? Who’s with me?

Arts and crafts

Zikoko Hertitude 2022

Who doesn’t want to make matching bracelets with their friends or work bestie?

Tattoo and piercing

Zikoko Hertitude 2022

The party isn’t complete until Zikoko makes you get piercings and tattoos. If you’ve been pushing off that tattoo appointment for one reason or another, now is the time to get it. Come to Z! Fest.

DJ sets

Z! Fest 2021

DJs will be there to play back-to-back jams from the year 2022. You’ll dance so much, you’ll need two days to recover.

Class of 2022 photo lounge

Z! Fest 2021

We have a really cute photo booth for people to take pictures and create memories.

And then, games

Z! Fest 2021

Zikoko Hertitude 2022

Zikoko Hertitude 2022

Z! Fest 2021

Card games, musical chairs (because, why not?), board games, Zikoko ships card game, meme games, balloon games, Tiktok challenges, Twister, darts, song association, cup pong and so much more.

You guys aren’t even ready for Z! Fest

Buy your tickets
People cry at work all the time, majorly because of work stress. But here are 10 other times it’s perfectly okay to shed premium tears in the office.

When you forget your lunch at home

Do you know how painful it is to pack your lunch for work the night before only to forget it at home in the morning? Now, it’s lunchtime, and you don’t have food to eat. Just sit in one corner and cry.

When a colleague decides to sit with you during lunch

You just want to eat in peace without forming a fake conversation. The only 30 minutes you get to yourself during the entire work day, someone wants to use it to discuss how work is stressing them. God, abeg.

When your boss gives you work five minutes to closing time

It’s 5:55 p.m., and you’ve packed your bag, ready to go, but your boss decides they want to take away the shred of joy you have left. They suddenly have one big task for you to do that they couldn’t give you during the day.

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When your team member goes on leave

Now, all the work is on your head. You’re doing their work plus yours — which is already stressful enough — for the next two weeks. And, of course, your boss won’t hear that you’re just one person with one head and two arms. They expect the same turnaround time as if two people are doing the work.

When half of the team japa

Half of the team has left the company for greener pastures in other countries. Meanwhile, you’re still here, not because you believe in Nigeria, but because you don’t have money to leave. To make it worse, your company isn’t planning to replace them anytime soon.

When your free ride isn’t going to work

You took Uber to work because the colleague you usually carpooled with fell sick. Now, ₦4,000 (your entire monthly transport budget) has left your account. In this economy?

When your Wi-Fi messes up

You’re about to get into an important meeting with a client, and your Wi-Fi says, “Not today, dear”. Everyone will now think you’re late.

When your boss comes to the office

Your boss coming to the office means more work and no peace of mind. Every five minutes, you’re being called for one thing or the other. The worst part is you can’t leave the office early.

When you send an email with typos

You’ve read this email ten times, edited it with various grammar apps and seen no errors. But after you send it to a client, copying your boss, you see, “Kind regrds”, “Plose and attached” and” Per my last emil”. It’s over for you.

When you lie to your boss, and they find out

You tell your boss you’ve done the work they gave you two weeks ago. Meanwhile, you haven’t even opened the document. Now, they’ve asked for the work, and you don’t have it. To make it worse, you have to request access from him to open the document.

ALSO READ: First Day at Work — Zikoko Employee Edition
If your Nigerian parents have never tried to set you up with someone, you’re one of the lucky few. Although not many good things can come out of your parents choosing someone for you to date, there may be a few benefits. I’ve listed nine below.

They can help you avoid their own mistakes

After being married for so long, they’ve experienced the good, the bad and the rubbish. Now, they know how to spot what they didn’t initially see in their partner and help you avoid it.

They want what’s best for you

As their child, they love you too much to pick any random person they see. They’ll take their time to find the best out of the herd. Although, sometimes, what they think is best for you may actually be the worst.

They want to brag

Even if they don’t want the best for you, they’ll choose the best person so they can brag to their friends and family that their child is dating the owner of Mr Biggs.

They do their research

Nigerian parents can trace somebody down to the village they’re from. So if they choose someone for you, at least, you won’t have to worry about ending up with someone who’s already married with two children.

ALSO READ: 8 Totally Normal Things Nigerian Parents Do That Are Lowkey Toxic

They have connections

Nigerian parents are the kings and queens of networking. Tell me how they know one friend’s child, who lives abroad, is a pilot or is related to the King of England. Better ask them to help you because they may know that your future partner with a Canadian passport lives down your street.

They’ll know who’ll serve you breakfast

What’s that saying about children not being able to see standing what an adult can see sitting down? It applies here. Nigerian parents have some 3D vision that helps them see the things we can’t see. It could be old age that gives them the power, but they can spot the partner who’ll serve you breakfast and the one who wants long-term commitment.

Get your tickets

They know how to shoot shots

You may be too shy to shoot your shot, but your parents aren’t. They’ll gladly talk to anyone on your behalf, and they’ll sell your market well. They’ll make you sound so good the person may want to marry you on the spot.

You can skip the talking stage

They’ll tell your potential suitors everything about you, down to the name of the soap you use. They’ll find out all their information too and tell you everything. No need for talking stage again. Just marry.

You won’t date your cousin

They know the family tree more than you, so if they choose someone for you, the chances of falling in love with your cousin would be zero.

ALSO READ: 12 Reasons Why Nigerian Parents Actually Give Birth To Children
Every time I hear wedding vows, the line, “I can’t believe I’m marrying my best friend”, is always somewhere in there. I find it hard to believe everybody’s best friends with their partner. I’m not sure you people know what being BFFs with your significant other means. So I’ve decided to show you it’s most likely not true.

You don’t gist with each other

Gisting is different from talking. Gisting involves banter, gossip and a lot of laughing. If your partner never has hot gist for you, or they’re not the first person you run to when something interesting happens, then they’re not your best friend. It’s even worse when you’re giving them gist, and they’re not giving the proper reaction. Instead, they’re quiet or just saying “mmmh”, or “really?”

You don’t have inside jokes

You and your partner should be able to look at each other, know you’re both thinking the same thing and laugh like two idiots. If you’re best friends, you’d have codes people don’t understand and jokes only two of you can relate to. In fact, if, to some extent, you both don’t have the same sense of humour, that’s a sign you’re not BFFs.

You don’t have fun together

Both of you don’t play like children high on sugar or watch funny shit together and laugh for hours. You don’t play games or do fun activities like painting each other’s faces and going out like that.

They don’t send you memes

Or funny TikToks, tweets and Instagram reels. Whenever I see a foolish thing on my TL, the first person I send it to is my best friend because we’d both make a year’s worth of jokes about it. If you send your partner things, and they give you one bland reaction, forget it.

ALSO READ: What Makes Your Partner More Important Than Your Best Friend?

You guys don’t like the same things

They don’t have to like your favourite artist. You don’t have to support the same sports team, but best friends have at least a few things they like doing or talking about together. I have a friend who watches Yoruba movies with his girlfriend; that’s true best friendship right there.

They don’t know how to cuddle without fornicating

Any minor touching turns into sex. I like sexual attraction, but I believe it should be possible to be in the same room as your partner, and you’ll both do other things besides entering each other’s bodies. Play board games or something, for God’s sake. Not everytime sex.

They don’t allow you to steal their clothes in peace

You steal their clothes, and they get seriously upset. Is that one friendship? It’s not even a romantic relationship sef. It’s just wickedness.

They don’t drag you

Best friends drag each other like small gen every five minutes. They’re not worried the other person will get upset because they know the limit. If you can’t tell your partner that with the kind of big head they have, they still don’t have sense, then you’re definitely not best friends.

ALSO READ: Is It Love If You Don’t Talk to Your Partner Every Day?

You keep things away from each other

Best friends tell each other everything. EVERYTHING.

You’re not comfortable around each other

If you’re worried about eating indomie from the pot while naked because of what your partner would think, then they’re not your best friend. Being best friends means they can show you their hairy butts and soup-stained shirts. It means they can say and do things without the fear of embarrassment. Answer this question: have you farted in front of your partner yet?

They don’t support you

I’m not just talking career support here. I mean supporting you when other people drag you or when you’re saying nonsense (only if it’s jokes sha). Best friends take each other’s side and have each other’s backs.

They don’t gas you up

As your best friend, they’re supposed to be in the comment section anywhere your picture is posted, gassing you up in all ways and manners. They’ll leave at least five comments under the picture.

You don’t spend that much time together

You’re not doing long distance, yet you guys only see each other once in two weeks; that’s not best friendship. They should always want to spend time with you because you both have a great time together. This includes phone calls and texting too. As your BFF, they’d want to talk to you any chance they get.

You don’t know what they like

If they don’t know you like Double Chickwizz, or that your comfort show is Papa Ajasco, they’re definitely not your best friend. Best friends know everything about each other.

ALSO READ: 9 Things You Should Never Share With Your Partner, No Matter What

Maybe your real best friend is at Z! Fest

Get your Z! Fest 2022 Tickets
You had the audacity to smoke weed in the house in which your Nigerian parents live, thinking you won’t be caught. Oh, what a fool. You don’t even know the Jamaican loud you’re smoking is smelling all over the entire house. Before you’re halfway done, your mother barges into your room.

Mother: “Chukwudi! What am I smelling? What is this you’re doing?”

She pounces on you and the half blunt you’re holding and gives you several slaps all over your body. She runs out to call your father while you try to get up from the floor. Your own don finish today.

After tears from your mother and shouts from your father, you’re now in the living room, where your parents have called a family meeting on top your head. In this meeting, you have:

-A distant uncle who likes to collect money from your father

-An aunty who only comes over for food

-Your father’s brother who aired you after you sent him your CV

-Your mother’s amebo friend who has no business being there

Your siblings are also peeking from a corner.

Your parents are looking at you like this:

You’re seated in the middle, which you hate so much because all eyes are on you, making it hard to hide that you’re high as fuck. Your father starts pacing back and forth…

Father: I can’t believe you, Chukwudi. You’re smoking marijuana? In my house, for that matter. How can you bring such shame to this family like this? Who taught you?

Mother *with tears in her eyes*: Where did we go wrong, ehn, Chukwudi? What did we do to deserve this?

You have the urge to list everywhere they went wrong as parents. The weed is trying to push you to talk, but you hold yourself back. You won’t let the devil win.

Father: After everything we’ve done for you, you want to throw your life away. You’re giving yourself to drugs. What else are you taking? Cocaine? Heroin? Codeine? Answer me, my friend!

You: Daddy, I’m not taking any other thing *You mumble*.

Foodie aunty: You might as well take cocaine now. What’s the difference? I’m so disappointed in you, Chukwudi.

You’re getting irritated. Who does this one think she is to be disappointed? The urge to talk is getting stronger.

Foodie aunty: You should know better than this, Chukwudi. I—

Before you can stop yourself…

You: Did you know better when you put laxatives in your husband’s food to make him shit for three days. All because you didn’t want him to hang out with his friends. Please, dear.

Everybody’s mouth is open in shock. Foodie aunty is wondering where you got this information from. Your father’s brother is holding himself from bursting out in laughter.

Mother: Chukwudi!

Foodie aunty: How can you say such a thing? Who told you this rubbish?

You: Aunty Dorcas, abeg I—

Father: Come on will you shut up your dirty mouth there! Idiot!

You: Daddy, don’t insult me, please.

Father: Or what will happen?

You: I’ll tell mummy about how your Oha soup allergy is a lie. You just don’t like her own because she doesn’t cook it well. And that you go to Mama Apunanwu’s eatery every Wednesday and Friday to eat it.

Mother: Ehn?!

You: Mummy, whenever he tells you he’s working late, he’s at her restaurant, eating Oha soup and pounded yam with plenty of goat meat.

Father’s brother: Chukwudi, that’s enough! We’re here to discuss how you’ve decided to throw your life away by doing drugs. You have a good job and a family that loves you. Why are you doing this? It’s those friends you have, abi?

Mother’s amebo friend: It can’t be all his friends. My daughter is his friend, and I don’t know why he isn’t choosing to follow in her footsteps. Instead, he’s following the bad ones.

You: Are you talking about the daughter who’s my weed supplier? The one who puts weed in all sorts of foods? LMAO. What do you think her food business is all about? Why do you think it’s called “HIGHly Delicious”? She’s using food to get people high, let me just tell you.

Mother’s amebo friend: You’re a liar!

You: Okay now. Stay there.

Father: Chukwudi, you’re becoming a nuisance. What’s wrong with you this boy?

You: Why is everyone making it seem like I’m the only “bad” one here? *points at the uncle he hasn’t seen in a long time* Uncle Mike’s child does yahoo and isn’t even successful at it. Uncle Mike is aware and even tries to help him scam people.

*PointS to mother’s amebo friend* Aunty and her husband used their children’s school fees to go to Dubai and form fake life with their friends. That’s why Chimezie has yet to enter uni; not because he’s waiting for his Canadian student visa like they’re telling everybody.

*Points to mother* Mummy was fired from her job three months ago because she used her oga’s toilet and clogged it with her poo. Every morning, she goes to Aunty Lola’s house to hide, then comes back when everybody has gone out. She leaves the house again at 6 p.m. and returns at 8, pretending she’s coming back from work tired.

Mother:

Everyone looks stunned.

You: Everybody has the one they’re doing, but it’s me you want to attack. Biko, leave me alone.

*Stands up and walks out of the family meeting*

ALSO READ: Just Imagine: Visiting a Nigerian Haunted House for Halloween
Life in this our dear country can be tough, but there are some things that can make life a bit more bearable. Here are ten of them.

An Okada

You need an okada as your primary source of transportation. Because the traffic in Lagos is so bad, I think it was created by village people. If you want an easy, non-traffic life, just buy a dispatch bike (because okadas have been banned).

A good shawarma spot

There’s no problem that a good chicken shawarma with three sausages can’t fix. But there are about only six good shawarma spots in this country. If you find one of them, you’ll always be good.

Money

Well obviously.

Change

Five out of every six cashiers you encounter will tell you “no change” when you want to pay with cash. Even bus conductors will threathen to beat you if you don’t have change. To save yourself from frustration and headache, always have all the denominations of the naira with you.

Emotional intelligence

Because Nigerian parents and colleagues will get on your nerves. But emotional intelligence will prevent you from losing your mind and throwing hands.

Good Wi-FI

I don’t know how you want to get this one sha. Me sef I’m still looking for it.

Rice at home

To prevent you from spending anyhow. If not, your salary will finish in less than two weeks.

Hand fan

Nigeria is so hot these days, we can’t think properly. A small hand fan in hand is worth more than two in the bush. I dunno what this means, but it gets the people going.

A good mechanic

You’ll be at peace when you know you can take your car to the mechanic and it won’t return with ten new issues.

A Paga card

A Paga card makes every Nigerian’s life easier because it’s not hard to get. You don’t need your great-grandmother’s birth certificate or any other complex documents to get the card.

Plus, with a Paga card account, you can receive your salary; pay bills; send and receive money, and track spending right from your phone.

Visit the Paga website for more information.
Everyone stop what you’re doing.

Z! Fest is here.

There’s a lot to prepare for. Like body painting, dance booths, karaoke, musical performances, tattoo parlours and more! So you can fully enjoy the activities we’ve planned for you, we think some of these things have to go.

Your partner

You’ll meet a better one at Z! Fest during the speed dating session, we promise.

School

Why are you in school when the G.O.A.T of all parties is happening? Don’t allow small exams stop you from enjoying life abeg.

Your diet

You may be on a diet now, but the oriṣiriṣi at Z! Fest will make you forget your home training. Carry money for the food though. >_>

Family members

Zikoko is the only family you need, and we’ll be at Z! Fest. Come party with us. Unlike your actual family members, we know how to get lit.

Any project you’re working on

You won’t be able to concentrate anyway; because you’ll be too excited and distracted by the fact that Z! Fest is here. So leave it. The stakeholders will be fine. Invite them to the party too.

Your job

Okay, don’t abandon it completely because you’ll need the money to buy Z! Fest tickets. But if your boss starts doing anyhow, quit and begin your prep. What’s stopping your holiday from starting now?

That online course you’re taking

If the online course isn’t teaching you how to achieve maximum enjoyment at Z! Fest, then forget about it. You don’t need it.

Social media

Social media will only cause FOMO so you should—

Actually, don’t abandon social media so you can use it to pepper your enemies and the razz people who ended up not buying Z! Fest tickets.

Your problems

Eat, drink and dance away your problems at Z! Fest. You may even find the solution to your problem while your brain is in relaxation and turn-up mode.

Sources told us we need a party to end the year, and like always, we’ve delivered. Time for you to abandon everything else because Z! Fest 2022 is here! Let’s close the year with the party of the year! Get your tickets today!
I don’t understand why many of us are so stuck on French fries when many different types exist. Please do yourself a favour and try out some of the recipes I’ve listed below.

Crinkle-Cut Fries

These are regular fries but with a different shape that weirdly makes them taste more exciting. To make this, you’ll need a crinkle knife. (You can also use the crinkle knife to cut plantain. You’ll thank me later.)

Get the recipe at My Recipes

Loaded fries

Fries from heaven! Loaded fries are made of anything you want to put inside. You can add bacon, sausage, chicken, minced meat etc. Just make sure to include cheese. And maybe a mixture of mayo and ketchup to top it off.

Get the recipe at Mandi Sarro

Shoestring Fries

These are some of the thinnest fries you’ll ever see, and so they’re crispy as heck. They taste great with fry sauce (or ketchup and mayo mixed together).

Get the recipe at Kitchn.

ALSO READ: Dear Nigerian Women, Alfredo Is Not The Only Pasta That Exists O

Curly Fries

I don’t know why Nigerian restaurants don’t serve curly fries; they bang like crazy. They’re longer than standard french fries have spring-like shapes. Rich people use a spiralizer to cut it, but here’s a video showing how to improvise with a knife. You’ll need to ensure the oil is 190°C hot before frying. This article tells you how you can know when your oil is that hot.

Get the recipe at Soul Food Cooking

Garlic fries

Garlic fries are made with salt, parmesan cheese, parsley, and chopped garlic (of course). The more cheese, the better.

Get the recipe at Caribbean Pot

Home fries

I’m obsessed with home fries, and I make them every other day. They’re thick cuts of potatoes that taste mouth-dripping good when pan-fried in bacon grease. For best results,, fry the bacon first, then use the leftover grease for your fries. You can use any type of potato.

Get the recipe at Spruce Eats

Sweet Potato Fries

Sweet potato fries are amazing because the sweetness goes well with the crispiness from the frying.

Get the recipe at Dinner at the zoo

ALSO READ: 11 Okra Recipes You Didn’t Know You Needed Today

Tater Tots

Tater tots are deep-fried, grated potatoes shaped into cute small cylinders that taste great with mayonnaise.

Get the recipe at Urban treats

Wedges

Potato Wedges are thick potato fries. They’re not as crunchy as most fires, but they’re just as delicious. I actually really like that they’re soft, which makes them nice to eat with eggs.

Get the recipe at Yummy.ph

Cheese fries

These are fries topped with any melted cheese. The cheese is basically a replacement for your ketchup.

Get the recipe at Khin’s kitchen

Cottage fries

Cottage fries taste and look like thick, soft potato chips, and can be made with or without the potato skin. They’re seasoned with a variety of seasonings like cayenne pepper, black pepper, curry and other herbs. They’re simply delicious.

Get the recipe at Kitchn

ALSO READ: All the Exciting Ways You Can Eat and Drink Your Eggs
If you’ve been thinking of what to get as your first or next tattoo, how about tattooing a meme? The following are the most tattoo-able memes.

Don’t upset me

So people know not to try you.

I’m the boss

Because you’re a boss bitch.

Eating good

For motivation. Because one day you’ll be so rich, you’ll be eating money for breakfast.

Spend this money

For when you’re doubting whether to pay rent or buy that new iPhone, tattooing this Mene will remind you to enjoy life because problem no dey finish.

If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

The Ghetto

Capitalism is a bitch and this tattoo will make sure you never forget.

Blah Blah Blah

So that men won’t be chatting shit to you.

Attending to business

Money comes first, don’t forget.

God abeg

For when life is showing you shege.

Thank God

To remind you that life showed you shege in the past but you’re good now.

Looking to spice up your Instagram feed? Follow Zikoko Memes 😏

E choke

If you like to be choked, get this tattoo.

Chop Life

So you can remember to chop life make life no chop you.

Secure the bag

.

Just so you never forget.

You’re on crack

For when you do foolish things.

Relass

This should be your motto at all times, and that’s why you should get it tattooed on your body.

ALSO READ: You’ll Relate to These Memes if You’ve Ever Planned a Surprise Party
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever premiered in Africa on Sunday, November 6, 2022, at Filmhouse Cinemas IMAX, Lagos. I’d been excited about the event because some of the actors in the movie were attending. I liked the idea of people from the same industry in different countries coming together to celebrate a blockbuster.

But while a few Nollywood stakeholders and actors attended, I quickly realised a large number of Big Brother Naija (BBN) alumni did too. If you looked at photos shared online alone, you’d think they outnumbered actual industry stakeholders. In an event that should’ve hosted legendary Nollywood actors, movie critics, directors and producers, instead, we saw ex-housemates of the reality show fill up the red carpets. But why?

Most entertainment events in Nigeria have become BBN affairs. It seems BBN stars are at the top of every (Public Relations) PR list these days. When Fenty launched in May, the PR agency thought it would be wise to invite them instead of actual beauty influencers who would have given target audiences more in-depth content about the launch and products.

When former BBN housemates attend high profile events, they simply become fashion shows. The conversation focuses on who wore what and little else. We barely hear much about the actual movies, products or anything being promoted during or after the events. At movie premieres, all we see are the same set of people with their sparkly and sometimes outrageous outfits. There are industry professionals, veterans and relevant influencers who would do better jobs at covering important talking points, so why not invite more of them?

I understand why PR agencies invite BBN influencers. They get people talking and create buzz around their events. People are still talking about what Hermes, Elo, Prince and the rest wore to the Black Panther Premiere, even though days have passed. People like Tacha trend for months on end because her fans keep talking about her.

It’s the same reason why brands rush to have them as ambassadors; they drive massive traffic to the business’ pages. But sometimes these brands stray too far off track. Tell me why a waist trainer brand decided White Money — a man who isn’t associated with fitness in any way and Mercy Eke who has told everyone she got her snatched waist through surgery — would make good ambassadors. Or why Doyin, a person who has always been slim — is an ambassador for a weight loss tea brand? At this point, Nigerians brands are just just signing reality TV stars for signing case whether or not these people align with their products.

When events revolve around BBN stars, it’s difficult not to think that these events are being diluted. Even the publicity they bring focuses on their personal brands than on what said events are about. All these reality TV stars do is dress up, create content around their outfits, show up and post pictures with uninspiring captions.

Some showbiz industry events could be great opportunities for both established stakeholders and rising stars to network, but many aren’t given the opportunity because the guest lists prioritise BBN alumni. Take Black Panther’s director, Ryan Coogler, for example. He attended the African premiere, but it doesn’t seem like enough Nollywood professionals got the chance to meet him. Imagine if more Nollywood directors or filmmakers attended. A collaboration might’ve come out of some interactions, who knows?

If PR agencies keep treating BBN stars as red carpet honourables for every entertainment event, stakeholders’ interest may become even more lukewarm. This is not to say don’t invite BBN alumni to your showbiz events. After all, they’re celebrities in their own right, and great for PR. But they shouldn’t take up centre stage or fill up guest lists every damn time.
I’ve always wondered how fellow 9-5ers turned up on weeknights. How are you at the club on a Tuesday night? Don’t you have work the next day? I figured something must be giving them the special magic powers to get up to work the next day. After doing some research (LOL, please), I discovered these eight things they do to party on weeknights and still survive work the next day.

Give a sacrifice to the gods

First, you must appease the gods of turn-up so they can go easy on you. Take two boiled eggs, a bottle of whiskey and a tuber of yam to the entrance of Quilox, and leave them there. When you wake up the next day, you won’t even feel like anything happened the night before.

Drink 20k gallons of water

Okay, exaggerate much? Just drink as much water as you can while you’re partying. It’ll especially help with the hangover.

Quit your job

Just stop working entirely so you can party every day of the week and have nothing to worry about. Although I’m not sure how you plan to bankroll your partying without a job.

ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide to Drinking at a Party

Maybe don’t party on a weeknight

Maybe wait till Friday and Saturday. But this life na one sha; we’re supposed to enjoy it as much as possible, so don’t listen to me.

Sleep and wake up two minutes before work resumes

So you can get in as much sleep as possible. This only works if you work from home sha. Sorry to you if you live in Lagos and have to be at the office.

Call in sick

And use the entire day to recover. I’m not encouraging you to lie o. But this can only work one or two times, so good luck.

Take *redacted*

Whatever ‘redacted’ is to you, take it.

Coffee

Coffee is the ultimate saviour of people’s jobs. A cup of coffee will help you get through the day after doing ijo laba laba and legwork all night.

But be careful because caffeine addiction is a serious thing.

ALSO READ: How to Throw a Chaotic Good Party, According to Chiby Iwobi
For the sake of your relationship and your mental health, don’t share these things with your partner. Especially number four.

Clothes

Don’t do it. You’ll never get your clothes back. Ever.

Address

They may want to come over all the time. And if you’re like me that likes personal space and alone time, you’ll start crying when they text you that they’re coming over for the fourth time in less than a week week. Just tell them you live in the bush or something. (I don’t have the energy to think of a good lie right now.)

Your music

Make the mistake of sharing your favourite music with your partner, and when they serve you breakfast, you won’t be able to listen to Palazzo by Asake again. The song will come up in the club and you’ll start shedding hot tears.

ALSO READ: The Unspoken Relationship Rules Your Partner Must Never Break

Technology

Give them your Play Station 5 console, and that’s how they’ll delete all your game progress from the past two years. Speaking from experience, I once gave an ex my laptop, and he returned it to me split into two. Stay guiding.

Your favourite restaurant or hangout spot

If they like the place, sorry to you because they’ll open their big mouths and tell other people about it. That’s how your favourite spot will now become crowded. To make it worse, they’ll start going there without you. “I went to Z! Bar after work and the suya wrap slapped differently today.” Enipe?

TV shows

They’ll ruin it for you, I promise. Either they ask many foolish questions during the show, like why Jon snow knows nothing, or they’re rewinding too much because they aren’t paying attention. I hate when they want to fast-forward past the parts they think are boring.

ALSO READ: 10 Reasons Why You Should Befriend Your Partner’s Neighbour

Generational curse

If you’re sharing generational or family curse with your lover, it may still come back to you if you end up getting married. So who are you really doing?

Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD)

Are you a wicked person? Why will you share your STD with your partner?

Passwords

You’ll be sleeping on your own jeje, and your significant other will now unlock your phone, looking for what will give them chest pain. Better to avoid the whole thing by keeping your passwords to yourself.

ALSO READ: If A Nigerian Woman Shares Any of These Things With You, She’s in Love
Do you know how frustrating it can be when you’re trying to get off the phone but the other person can’t seem to get the hint? We know how annoying it can be, so we’ve come up with excuses you can use.

When you need to get off the phone. Tell them any of the following:

You want to drink water

Finding a cup, pouring the water and drinking it can take a long time. You’d rather not waste the person’s time and data by doing all that while on the phone. When you’re done, you’ll call them back.

You need to close the fridge

You just remembered that you forgot to close the fridge and now electricity is wasting. Tell them you need to quickly get off the phone and attend to it.

NEPA has brought light

You’re not sure how long electricity will last before they take the light, so you want to quickly charge your phone before NEPA decides to be unfortunate. If they live in Nigeria, they’ll understand and end the call.

ALSO READ: 16 Times NEPA Has Absolutely Horrified Every Nigerian

You need to go down the stairs

Going down the stairs requires your full attention so you don’t fall and break your neck. The person on the phone will have to understand that for your own safety, you have to end the call to focus on the stairs.

You’re going to gist with your gateman

Bonding with your staff is very important for you. You have a particular time when you sit and gist with your gateman, and the call is cutting into that time.

You’re about to give birth

You’ve been in labour since the call started, and now you’re about to start pushing the baby out. You won’t have the energy to talk and push the baby out at the same time.

ALSO READ: All The Reasons We Hate Returning Phone Calls

There’s an emergency in your compound

Your neighbour’s pot of soup was stolen, and you need to go and help them catch the thief.

You want to go and count the grains of rice you have

You need to make sure you have enough rice at home for the week. The only way to be sure is by counting each grain carefully.

Mercury is wearing red brocade

Mercury is back again, and she’s wearing a red brocade this time. You can’t be on the phone for too long if not, you’ll miss her. Knowing Mercury, she may not be back for a while.

Your bus conductor is asking for change

The bus conductor needs their change, and you’ve been struggling to look for it with one hand. You need to drop your phone and use both hands to search properly.

You need to take a Zikoko quiz

I said what I said. Try it and see.

QUIZ: What Romance Trope Best Fits Your Love Life?
We’re tired of parties where people just show up and dance. It’s time to try something new, like a colour-themed party. They’re fun, creative and they stand out. Here’s the guide to throwing such a party.

Pick a colour

Obviously, it’s a colour-themed party, so of course you have to choose a colour first. We suggest danfo yellow or owambe pink. Be creative with it, don’t be boring.

Have a colour dress code

Don’t just make people come dressed according to the colour theme you choose. Add a twist. Maybe have people come as their favourite Nollywood characters but according to the colour theme. Imagine Pete Edochie but in all green (including a green beard).

Make it different

What did we say in the first point? Don’t be boring. Don’t do the regular party where everybody just comes dressed in the colour chosen and it ends there. Tell a story with your party. Have a theme, something like Gordon’s playground party.

Make it fun

People can’t just come and dance Ijo laba laba or leg work all night long. Create unique activities and games so people can interact and have fun. We don’t mean extreme games like Truth or Dare abeg.

Have colourful treats

Imagine people eating purple pasta or green chicken at your party. It’ll be mad. Another thing you can do is have people bring different foods and snacks according to the colour theme. Some people may bring yellow eba and egusi sha if you choose yellow. So choose carefully.

Have colourful drinks

If you don’t have drinks, how will the party be lit? Just ask Zikoko to be your bartender, and we’ll give you all sorts of colourful cocktails. Or maybe try out Gordon’s new Sunset Orange and Pink Berry flavoured gin.

By the way, Gordon’s has two new flavoured gins, Sunset Orange, and Pink Berry. Pink Berry is a delicious pink berry gin with the fruity sweetness of pink berries. Sunset Orange is a delicious and fresh juicy orange gin. Both are best enjoyed with tonic and ice; but you can also have them neat.

QUIZ: This Quiz Can Guess Which Drink Matches Your Personality
Drinking can be fun. But it’s not just as simple as going to a party and getting a drink. There are rules to this thing. Here’s the Zikoko guide to drinking at a party.

Eat before you go

If you drink heavily on an empty stomach, you’ll get so drunk that you’ll end up sleeping under Oshodi bridge and not knowing how you got there. Let’s not even begin to talk about the hangover you’ll have. Abeg eat and eat well.

Know what you’re drinking

You may think you’re drinking palm wine, but what if it’s garri water mixed with tequila? Don’t look at me like that. People are mixing weird things these days and calling it a cocktail.

Drink with friends

Not just for safety but also because it’s more fun. Don’t sit by yourself in one corner sipping tequila. What was now the whole point of leaving your house?

Quiz: What Kind of Drink Are You?

Dance

If you’ve been drinking for quite a bit, stop and do some legwork. Dancing is a good way to sober up.

Don’t drink too much

Know your limits. Don’t allow oversabi or peer pressure to make you drink more than you can handle. Once you begin to feel tipsy, stop drinking. Drinking dehydrates the body, so find water to balance things out.

Find out if the drinks are free

Just because you’re at a party doesn’t automatically mean drinks are free. Ask questions before you end up using your salary to pay for drinks.

Don’t mix drinks

Choose one drink, and stick to it the entire night. Having a gin and tonic, followed by wine, followed by vodka shots, is not a good combination. It’s a recipe for a drunken disaster, and may upset your stomach.

During drinking games, drink water

With all the playing and laughing, you can easily get carried away during games. To avoid getting so drunk you begin to hear double, drink water as often as you can in between games.

If you don’t know what to drink, go for a gin and tonic

If all sorts of drink names are being thrown at you and you’re confused, go for a gin and tonic (G&T). A G&T is a classic sweet cocktail that everyone loves.

ALSO READ: To Increase Your Productivity, Drink These Instead of Coffee
Generally, people react differently to breakups. But I’ve noticed that a woman who’s just come out of a relationship does at least five of these.

She starts going to the gym

I can’t even lie, me sef I’ve done this one. There’s a way the heartbreak will hit you, you’ll enter gym. A Woman who’s just collected breakfast might register at a gym to be ten times hotter than before, so that their ex will regret and be jealous. Either that, or she’s looking for somewhere to pour all her anger and pain.

She changes something about her appearance

She’ll want a different look to remind herself that she’s a new woman in a new phase and old things have passed away. So she’ll die her hair vomit-green or another wild colour. She’ll even wear more risque outfits and become more adventurous with her fashion sense.

She’s posting fire thirst traps

Someone who used to post pictures once in three months will suddenly start posting back-to-back fire pictures on her social media accounts with captions like “it’s unfortunate you couldn’t keep me” or “no other like me”.

She wears less and goes out more

Every weekend she’s “outsideeee” with her friends, having the time of her life. Her Snapchat is filled with videos of her going out for brunch or dancing and taking shots at the club.

She starts listening to inspirational podcasts

She’ll finally open the podcast app that she’s been postponing for two years. Then she’ll start listening to the inspirational ones that tell her how she doesn’t need to be in a relationship to be happy (which is true, but it seems she didn’t know it before). She’ll go ahead and post snippets of her favourite healing podcasts on her Instagram story so that people know she’s now a new woman who is single and happy.

ALSO READ: How to Get a Nigerian Woman to Eat

She gets into a new hobby

If it’s not yoga, she’ll join a dance class. She may even start journalling, get into pottery, or become a plant mom just to pour out all the love she has to give, since men don’t deserve it.

ALSO READ: 9 Reasons A Nigerian Woman Will Breakup With You

She pours all her energy into her career

She no longer has time for love because that only brings stress and heartbreak. Now her only focus is on becoming rich and powerful. Lovers will break your heart, but your career won’t.

She becomes religious

Since her relationship on earth didn’t work out, she’ll start working on the Heavenly one. I’ve been there. A few years ago, an ex broke up with me and I became an usher in church. Fun times.

She starts tweeting a lot

Her Twitter timeline will be filled with tweets about self-love and self-care. She’ll tweet about how nothing is better than being single, rich and happy.

ALSO READ: 20 Things That’ll Take All Your Money as a Nigerian Woman
It’s Halloween, and you decided to make the mistake of visiting the haunted house you read about last week. Big mistake, but here’s what happens.

In your best Buhari costume, you get there, and the first person you meet at the door is this woman:

You assume she’s an usher but just as you’re about to pass, she says, “Can’t you greet? Or do I look like your mate? Oloshi oloriburuku! Disrespectful child”.

You quickly utter a “Sorry ma. Good morning ma”, and walk inside. The haunted house tour hasn’t even started, and you’re already afraid.

You walk further in and enter a shrine, where a babalawo is making incantations to wooden statues on the ground. He gestures for you to come.

You look back as if he’s not talking to you.

Babalawo: Come, my son, let me show you your future.

In your mind, you’re like, “Ehn. Which future? God abeg o, abeg”. But it’s all part of the haunted house act (obviously, it can’t be a real babalawo now), so you enter the shrine. He points to a small brown stool for you to sit on.

Once you sit, he brings a live chicken and moves it around your head while reciting incantations. You fret but remind yourself that this is just an act. You don’t expect anything to happen until you see the mirror beside you start to blink. A video appears in it, of you ten years into the future. You realise you’re about to see what lies ahead for you and begin to shout, “Blood of Jesus! What is this?” You stand and run out before the video shows whether you’ll make it in life or not.

You run into a dim hallway, looking for the exit to this hell hole. What were you even thinking, coming here? In a room to your left, you see Patience Ozokwor about to swear for a family member she doesn’t like.

You take a few steps to your left, and almost stumble into Clem Ohameze sacrificing his grandfather for a few billions.

Before he notices you and decides to offer you instead, you tiptoe away from there as fast and quiet as possible. “How the hell do I get out of this place?” is all you’re thinking about.

A Nigerian aunty with white powder on all over her face (because that’s how Nigerian ghosts look) pops out from the corner. She says, “Daniel, when will you marry? Look at your age mates, where is your own?!” How does she know your name?

“Ah. I’ve entered it today! Who sent me message?” You do the sign of the cross and utter a small prayer as you move further into this Nollywood horror movie you’ve entered. Before you even take five steps, a middle-aged Nigerian uncle in white trad and a cap pops out from another corner. He stretches his hand to you and says, “Daniel, send me your CV. Let me see what I can do.”

The haunted house is going above and beyond to traumatise you, and you’re not even sure what to expect anymore.

The next rooms waiting for you:

In one room, your boss is seated, ready to discuss extra work hours for the same pay.

In another, your landlord asks you for his service charge.

In the third one, there’s a visa office where the officer denies your Canadian visa request.

This is you after passing these rooms:

Then for several minutes, nothing happens; no scary rooms or people popping out of nowhere. As you move further, you see a bright light ahead. Yes, you’ve gotten to the exit.

You walk faster just in case these people’s brains decide to touch, and they choose to lock you in here forever. As you get there, you realise you’ve just entered the worst place a Nigerian could ever find themself. A place of stress, tears and suffering.

Of all the scary places this damn haunted house could choose from, they chose… Lagos traffic!

ALSO READ: Zikoko Hack: How to Scare Nigerians
As Halloween approaches, we thought to tell you the best ways to scare Nigerians. For your own sake, don’t try number eight.

Give them 24-hour electricity

If you give Nigerians 24-hour electricity, they’ll begin to think that the world is ending. Or that NEPA is about to not give them light for a really long time, and this is the rainbow before the storm (abi how do they say it?).

Offer them free food

Nigerians don’t collect free food from anybody but immediate family and close friends. Anything outside of that, they’d rather starve. Because to them, you’re a witch who wants to poison them, collect their destiny or initiate them into your group.

Stop them on the road to ask questions

Stop a Nigerian on the road to ask questions, and you’ll see the terror in their eyes. Once you try to stop them, they begin to walk fast while quickly replying to your question. Everybody dey fear kidnapping.

ALSO READ: 7 Ordinary Things That Are Only Terrifying If You’re Afraid of the Dark

Borrow money and pay it back on time

Nigerians are used to the cycle of begging, getting upset and threatening the person they borrowed their money to get the money back. If you borrow money from them and pay it back on time, fear will catch them, and they’ll start making assumptions. Such as thinking you’ve done yahoo or robbed a bank to get the money.

Tell them fuel is scarce again

This causes instant headaches and spiralling thoughts about long fuel station queues, traffic and no light. They may even start to cry.

Put on the news

Even if all that is showing is cartoon or a comedy show, once Nigerians see that News channel, their hearts will start to beat fast. Because when it comes to this country, something terrible always happens that puts people on edge.

Send them a Whatsapp broadcast message

There’s still a large percentage of Nigerians that believe in WhatsApp broadcast messages that have no source. Let them see a forwarded message that says wearing slippers can cause cancer, which will be the end of slippers in most Nigerian households.

ALSO READ: 6 Tips To Easily Identify False News Online And How To Report It

Say you had a bad dream

Nobody likes nightmares, but Nigerians take them very seriously. The moment you utter the “N” word, they’re calling their pastors, imams, ifa priests and co.

Tell them food has finished at an event

The fastest way to give a Nigerian a heart attack is to tell them that food has finished at an event. What do you mean food has finished? So what did they leave their house for? How will they eat?

Don’t serve jollof rice at an event

Ehn? No jollof rice? Do you want them to die?

ALSO READ: 7 Times Nigerians Move In Silence
Moderator: Today at Zikoko HQ, we have three debaters — fried, jollof and coconut rice — going against each other for the “Best Rice in Nigeria” title. There are two rounds. The three parties will present their arguments to the judges in the first round.

They have two minutes each to make their arguments, so they need to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best rice win.

Coconut rice, you’re up first.

(Coconut rice walks to the stand)

Coconut rice: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is coconut rice, and I’m here to assert the motion that I’m the best rice in Nigeria.

Jollof rice:

Coconut: Unlike my colleagues, fried and jollof, I’m the healthiest rice. The coconut milk used to make me has anti-viral properties and is good for brain development and bone health. I am not fried or cooked in oil like my opponents here, who can clog people’s hearts from the amount of fat inside them. Also, I’m highly sought after because I’m not common. Also, have you ever walked into a room where I’m being cooked? The aroma is so divine it’ll make you crave me more. I can be eaten alone or with my friends: shrimps, prawns, carrots, peas, beef and co. Whichever way you choose to eat me, I’ll taste great.

(Coconut rice walks back to its seat as Jollof walks to the stage)

ALSO READ: 5 Types of Rice Nigerians Need to Respect More

Jollof: Good morning, my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is Jollof, and I’m here to assert that I’m the best rice in Nigeria. Now, I’m not going to come here and mention health facts that I Googled five minutes before getting on stage.

(Jollof smirks and looks at coconut rice)

Coconut:

Jollof: I don’t need to say too much. I’m the most popular rice out there. I’m so famous that African countries constantly fight about which version of me is the best. No event is complete without me there, whether it’s a wedding, office party or burial. Even in game nights, I’m there. I’m a delicious necessity; people just can’t do without me.

Thank you.

(Jollof rice walks back to their seat as fried rice mounts the stage)

Photo credit: JCI

Fried: Good morning everyone. My name is fried rice, and I’m here to tell you that I’m the best of the best. I may not be at every event like Jollof, but sometimes we end up sitting side by side on plates. When that happens, people tend to eat me more because they’re just tired of Jollof.

Jollof:

Fried: I’m famous in Africa and worldwide. I can be made in many different ways, and you’ll never feel like you’re eating the same type of rice. You can’t get bored with me. Families love me during special occasions like Christmas, Ramadan, birthdays etc. And on that note, I hope I have been able to convince you and not confuse you, that I’m the best rice in Nigeria. Thank you.

(Fried rice walks back to his seat, and the moderator comes back to the stage)

Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now it’s time to face one another. You have five minutes.

Jollof: Fried rice, if you’re so popular worldwide, why are you here trying to fight for the title of the best rice in Nigeria.

Fried: Because Nigerians are yet to properly acknowledge my greatness. And if the judges rule me as the best rice, people will stop serving your mediocre ass at events.

Jollof: I can never stop being served. I am the king of foods in this country, I’ve been around the longest, and I deserve to be voted as best rice.

Coconut: You realise that all you bring to the table is tomato and pepper. You’re literally white rice and stew mixed together.

Jollof: What’s this one saying? Elders are talking, and you think you can put your mouth?

Coconut: Such a classic boomer move, trying to use age to win an argument.

Jollof: Yes, as long as I’m older than you, I deserve to be the best.

Coconut: 2+2 = water bottle. What are you even saying?

Fried: What even gave you the audacity to be here in the first place? Nobody eats you like that. How are you here, and white rice isn’t?

Coconut: How can white rice be here instead of me. White rice can’t even stand without stew.

(White rice walks in through the doors and goes straight to the moderator)

(All the other rice look confused)

White rice: Good morning sir. I just found out there was a debate about the best type of rice in Nigeria, and I don’t know why I wasn’t invited.

Moderator: I’m very sure we sent you an invite.

White: I didn’t see anything in my e-mail.

Moderator: Maybe it’s your network. What network do you use?

White: Glo — shit!

Moderator: You see. Anyway, you’ve already missed the first round, but you can join now and make your case.

(White rice walks over to where the other debaters are)

White: I can’t believe all of you are gathered here to argue about who’s the best rice when I exist.

Coconut: You that depends on other people’s sauce to be eaten?

White rice: That may be true, but the other people I come with are bad bitches — pepper sauce, turkey stew, curries, vegetable stew and so forth.

Fried rice: But you still rely on others

White rice: Don’t you rely on curry and thyme and your many ingredients that take forever to cut? As for jollof, you think you’re big because you’re served at events? I’m a staple food in all Nigerian homes. Hello? Have you heard of Sunday rice?.

Jollof: And that’s why people get tired of your old ass. You may come with many “bad bitches”, but the most common one we know you with is tomato stew that comes with one small piece of chicken.

Coconut: You this baby-boomer rice, you need to rest. Your time has passed. Gen-Z rice is here to take over.

Fried, Jollof and white: Shut up!

Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break and give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner.

White: But I didn’t even have enough time to make my argument!

Moderator: That’s not on us, blame Glo

White rice: (storms out in anger)

(One of the judges walks to the stage)

Judge: You all did well in your arguments. Unfortunately, one person came late, but we’ve judged according to the arguments they were able to make within the time they had. A winner must still be decided.

Judge: And the best rice to exist in Nigeria is…Fried rice!!!

Fried rice:

ALSO READ: Port Harcourt Bole and Lagos Boli Fight for the Title of “Best Roasted Plantain”
A Nigerian woman would rather refuse to eat pasta than tell you she’s annoyed at something you’ve done. But if she shows any of these passive-aggressive signs, then you need to start thinking of how to appease her.

She’ll air your messages

She’ll see your messages come in and choose to swipe them away because you’re saying nonsense . If she’s very upset, she’ll open the message, close it back and leave you on “read”, so you’ll know she’s ignoring you. If she archives your messages, that’s even worse. You may have to involve the gods to get her to forgive you.

Give you one-word replies

Ask her how work was, and she’ll say, “Good.” — This is someone who usually gives you the full gist of the day about how Amaka ate her oga’s lunch by mistake. If she now puts full-stop in the message? You’re in soup.

Post her finest pictures

She’s not talking to you but wants you to talk to her. That’s when she’ll begin to post her finest pictures on all social media platforms to make you thirsty and slide in her DMs. That way, she can properly ignore you.

ALSO READ: 20 Things That’ll Take All Your Money as a Nigerian Woman

She’ll tell you she isn’t hungry

You ask her, “What do you want to eat?” She says, “Nothing, I’m not hungry.” Ah you’ve entered serious wahala o. The only time a woman says no to food is when it has spoilt or she suspects poison. I don’t know how you want to get out of this one.

She does nothing

You know you’ve done something wrong. She knows you’ve done something wrong. Yet she’s acting like nothing happened. Just carry your load and run because she’s consulting with the WhatsApp group on the best way to deal with you.

She puts a full stop after every word

All of a sudden, she remembers grammar and punctuation. Any small thing, “I don’t know.” “Okay.” “Tired.”

She turns her body away from you

Whether in bed, in a car, on a couch etc. The moment she turns her body 90 degrees away from you, she’s showing you she’s visibly upset and wants you to tell her sorry.

ALSO READ: 7 Things Nigerian Women Are Angry About

Throws shade at you on social media

You’ll start seeing tweets like “Nobody is ever too busy for you. If they cared, they’d find the time.” Better carry your phone and call her. That tweet is for you.

She’ll hiss as if something is stuck in their teeth

’

You’ll hear her kissing her teeth every five minutes — and she may add a disgusted look at you for extra effect. That’s how you know you fucked up.

ALSO READ: Every Nigerian Mother Makes These 10 Annoying Passive Aggressive Statements
There’s a 70% chance a Nigerian woman will order alfredo pasta at a restaurant (source: trust me, I know). Does alfredo give us some extraordinary superpower, or the plenty money they say we have in our Piggyvest? I don’t know. Either way, in honour of World Pasta Day, I recommend these other pasta meals for Nigerian women to look out for in restaurant menus or try at home.

Seafood mac and cheese

Image source: Stay snatched

If you’re craving cheesy seafood pasta, leave the alfredo and eat seafood mac and cheese. Mac and cheese is the ultimate comfort food to be eaten at home while watching horrible sitcoms. It’s ten times better if there are a lot of shrimps and other seafood mede made.

Fettuccine alla carbonara

Image source: Guides-Brit+Co

Thin pasta with a creamy sauce consisting of egg, bacon & cheese. All these ingredients combine to make this pasta the mouth-dripping meal it is. I’d gladly sell my firstborn for it. I’m joking (I’m not joking). The bacon is the star of the show here.

Seafood spaghetti marinara

Image source: Tesco Real Food

Seafood spaghetti marinara is all your favourite seafood mixed in a sauce made from tomatoes, onions, garlic, oregano, basil, etc. Some restaurants put calamari prawns, mussels and co. inside. Eat it, and you may have an orgasm.

ALSO READ: Make Bougie Creamy Pasta With Less Than ₦10k

Spaghetti and meatballs

Image source: Delish

I don’t see many people eat spaghetti and meatball often, and I don’t know why. You can have this meal with the meatball sauce separate from the pasta or mixed together with the pasta. Either way, still delicious.

Pasta pomodoro

Image source: Simply Home Cooked

If you want a taste of Italy, you should try this dish. It looks like pasta made from tomato sauce. But with pomodoro, the sauce is made from finely diced or crushed tomatoes to give it a very thick texture. What makes it special is the butter, olive oil and parmesan cheese.

ALSO READ: 9 Cooking Hacks You Need to Know Before 30

Green pasta

Image source: Legally Healthy Blonde

Green is my favourite colour, so I’m biased towards this meal. If you want to deceive yourself about healthy eating, this pasta is a good way to eat your vegetables. The sauce is made from spinach, but it can be very creamy and cheesy if you want. Try it first before you judge.

Asun pasta

Image source: The Yellow Plate

I would like to sell my father’s land and give all the money to the person who thought of mixing asun and pasta together. There’s a way the pepper sauce from the asun mixes with the other typical pasta ingredients. Such a spicy and delicious blessing. If you want to go the extra mile, try asun alfredo.

Coconut pasta

Image source: Vegan Cocotte

If you’re a fan of coconut rice, you’ll love coconut pasta. There’s the tomato coconut pasta and the plain one with coconut milk. They’re both creamy and incredibly delicious.

Tuna pasta

Image source: The Dinner Bite

I understand tuna is expensive in this economy. That doesn’t mean you should deprive yourself of the enjoyment that is tuna pasta. And just like every other pasta, there’s the tomato and creamy options. You can even bake it. Tuna tastes great, so it’ll go amazingly well mixed with any pasta sauce.

ALSO READ: Nigerian Women Need to Leave Pasta Alone and Try Out These 8 Other Meals
It’s only true friendship if your friend is willing to share these very important things with you. If they don’t, end that friendship today.

Their partner

Image source: Zikoko Memes

If you’re single and searching, and your friend has a sweet romantic partner, they should share the partner with you. If they love you and want you to be happy, sharing the love of their life shouldn’t be a problem.

Their rich parents

Image source: Zikoko Memes

As a good friend, your friend should be willing to share their parents with you by convincing them to adopt you, but only if they have money that can last four generations.

Their organs

A friend that can’t give you their eyes or heart is not a friend that genuinely loves you.

Their salary

Image source: Zikoko Memes

Friendship is work o. Hence, it’s okay for a friend to give you part of their salary as a way to show small appreciation. If your friend shares their salary with you in a ratio of 60:40, they love you. Anything less doesn’t count.

Their clothes

Image source: The Penny Hoarder

A true friend will allow you shop from their closet. Why should you buy clothes when you have a friend? Doesn’t matter whether you’re the same size or not.

Perks from their job

Image source: Zikoko Memes

Real friends add you to their pension plan. So that you can both sip coconut water on the beach in Jamaica during retirement.

Gist

Image source: Zikoko Memes

The friendship handbook by Zikoko (which hasn’t been created yet, but it’s in our heads) says: any friend that doesn’t quickly give you gist the moment it happens isn’t a good person. It’s even worse if they never share the gist with you at all.

Their Peak 1L Full house pack

If your friend doesn’t share a one-litre yoghurt pack, big enough for five people to share, then they’re wicked and don’t like you.

The newly launched Peak Yoghurt Full House Pack is more than enough to go around. With the Peak Yoghurt 1L pack, you have no choice but to share. It’s a sharing pack fit for group consumption with friends and family. Available in two flavours; strawberry and sweetened.

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You walk into the office of your new therapist and see a woman in blouse and wrapper. She has a lot of makeup on, with thick black eyebrows and bright red lipstick. You instantly realise your therapist is one of the judgemental Nigerian aunties you dislike so much. Yeah, you’ve entered wahala, because the following are the series of unfortunate events about to happen.

You won’t be able to wear just anything

As a woman, if you mistakenly wear anything that shows your knees, armpits or breasts, she won’t answer you. As a man, you better not wear ashewo shorts because she’ll send you back even after collecting your money. Nigerian aunties carry “proper dressing” on their heads.

She’ll ask what you have to be depressed about

If you tell her you’re depressed, she’ll think you’re being ungrateful. Because, according to her, as long as you have a roof over your head, a job, food to eat and you’re alive, you should be happy.

She’ll tell you to pray

No problem is bigger than God. Why would you try to solve your issues in therapy when you should be praying to God? She may even make you kneel and use your session to pray.

ALSO READ: 8 Types Of Nigerian Aunties You Know

Extra time for people with tattoos and piercings

Because if you’re getting tattoos and piercings, you can’t be okay mentally. According to the judgemental Nigerian aunty handbook, only troubled and rebellious children get and flaunt such things. That’s why she’ll give you extra therapy time — to help solve your issues so you can “clean” the tattoos.

She’ll judge your career

She won’t take you seriously if you’re not a doctor, engineer, lawyer, or architect. She’ll tell you you’re having all these mental health issues because you don’t have a “good” job.

She’ll report you to your parents

Confidentiality does not exist in the Nigerian auntie’s book. The only reason she’s taking notes isn’t because she’s trying to help you, it’s because she wants to remember all the details to tell your parents.

She’ll fat-shame you

You’ll hear at least 27 fat-shaming comments from the moment you step into her office until you leave. “Why won’t you have all these problems when you keep eating and adding weight?”

If you’re single, marriage is the solution

According to her, you’re having mental health issues because you’re not married. If you were, all your problems would be solved.

She’ll talk about how perfect her life is

As you’re telling her about your issues, she’ll be telling you about how she can’t relate. And do you think she won’t brag about her children? LOL, she will — even if said children are also getting therapy elsewhere because of her.

You have to be submissive or be a man

If you’re a woman, she’ll manage to somehow make your issues revolve around submissiveness. If you’re a man, she’ll tell you to “be a man” and handle your problems “like a man.” Why is a man seeking emotional help from a woman?

She’ll tell you to “manage” even if you’re fighting for your life

She’ll say everything will be fine and, so you should just manage. Life isn’t perfect, and you can’t get everything you want since everybody has problems. God will help you.

You must perform respect

When you step into her office, you must bow or kneel. When speaking to her, you must put “ma” at the end because she’s not your mate. You can’t argue with her because everything she says is right.

ALSO READ: 7 Ways Your Period App Would Send Notifications as a Nigerian Aunty
Moderator: We often hear endless arguments about which is better between Port Harcourt (PH) bole and Lagos bole (boli). Today, we have invited both plantains to Zikoko HQ to debate for the bragging rights of “Best Roasted Plantain”.

There are two rounds. In the first round, both parties will each get to present their arguments to the judges. They have two minutes each to make their arguments, so they need to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best roasted plantain win.

PH Bole, you’re up first.

(PH Bole walks to the stand)

PH Bole: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is roasted plantain, popularly known as “bole”, and I’m here to defend the motion that PH bole is the best roasted plantain to ever exist.

Image credit: NITDA

Boli (interjects): That’s not the motion! We’re here to argue which roasted plantain is the best.

PH bole: That’s basically what I said.

(Boli rolls their eyes)

PH bole: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I’d like to state that, first of all, the correct way to spell and pronounce it is B-O-L-E and not B-O-L-I. Lagos tried to be different by spelling their own with an “I”, but clearly, the “I” stands for “inferior”.

I believe I’m the best roasted plantain because everyone likes me. If you check the comments of all the Instagram and Twitter posts I appear in, you’ll see people talking about how much they want and crave me. They love me, not just because of my soft, well-roasted exterior, but also because of the people I surround myself with — people such as roasted fish, pepper sauce, snail, vegetables etc.

Dear judges, some people love me so much, they’re willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get me. See exhibit A below. You see, I’m a hot cake. Can Lagos say the same?

Exhibit A

(PH walks back to their seat as Lagos walks to the stage)

Lagos Bole : Good morning, my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper, and moderator. My name is Boli, and I’m here to defend the motion that Lagos’ roasted plantain is the best.

Image credit: NITDA

(Bole rolls his eyes)

My opponent came on stage and bragged about how everybody likes them and how they’re a “hot cake”. But not once did they mention their usefulness to the people who love him. See, I bring people together: co-workers who go out to buy me and bond away from work, parents who make their children happy by giving me as a snack to their kids, etc.

PH Bole: I do all of that too!

Lagos Boli: Excuse me, I’m speaking.

PH Bole:

Lagos Boli: Also, people love me for me. I don’t need extras around to make people want me. I’m a hot cake on my own. Although sometimes I have my friend, groundnuts, with me. Plus, I’m very friendly and not proud; that’s why anyone can make me at home and can afford me outside. Can’t say the same for my Port Harcourt brother who needs fish and snail and other senrenren to be great.

Thank you.

(Boli walks back to his seat, and the moderator comes back to the stage)

Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now it’s time to face each other. You have five minutes.

Image credit: rehosmartbee

Bole: I’m not arrogant. The reason why only certain people can make me is that I’m special. I don’t just let anybody touch me, unlike you that agrees to be eaten by everyone. SMH, no class.

Boli: Not you trying to slut-shame me in this big 2022. Don’t hate just because you’re expensive and people don’t like buying you. At least people can afford me even when they’re broke.

Bole: Who says I’m expensive? I cost a bit more than you because I come with extra pizzazz. At the end of the day, people eat me with my pepper sauce and roasted fish and are full and satisfied. I’m a full meal. Who wants to eat plantain and groundnut after a long stressful day at work?

Boli: I’m a snack. That’s why I only come with groundnut. People need me to hold their hunger. And also to help control their diets in a healthy way.

Bole: So you’re fat shaming now?

Boli: What? That’s not what I’m doing.

Bole: Mhm. If someone puts me with my roasted fish, side by side with you and your groundnuts, who do you think will be picked first?

Boli: So you’re a pick me now?

Bole: What???

Boli: Why don’t you face me, plantain to plantain, without all the extras?

Bole: The extras are what make me, me!

Boli: Ohooo, so you’re not good enough on your own?

Bole: That’s not what I’m saying-

Boli: Ladies and gentlemen, bole has agreed that he can’t taste good on his own. Hence —

Bole: At least I’m not surrounded by dirt with all the Lagos garbage that have stained your white.

Boli: You think you’re cleaner than me? Your city is literally covered in soot!

(Everyone gasps)

Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break and give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner.

(One of the judges walks to the stage)

Judge: Let me start by saying that both of you are winners. It’s just that one person must come first.

Bole and Boli:

Judge: Although there were a few low blows here and there, you both made solid arguments. After much deliberation, the best roasted plantain between PH Bole and Lagos Boli is…
Once you become an adult, there are suddenly all these balls thrown at you to juggle, and you have to try your best to keep all of them in the air. There’s you, your work, family, and social life. Let’s not forget mental and physical health. It can all be very tiring.

Honestly, I wish I could unsubscribe from this whole adulting thing. Unfortunately, I can’t. So I’ve found little hacks to help make it a less miserable journey

Prioritising my mental and physical health

One of the hacks, which is something I discovered late last year, is disconnecting from my gadgets. I noticed that being on my devices made my brain consume too much information from various sources. This led to information overload, which got me stressed and feeling overwhelmed. It affected my entire mood and, to some extent, my physical health. I decided to begin a routine of disconnecting from all my gadgets two hours before going to bed. I’d use that time to reflect on my day, read fiction or gist with people in the house. I’ve been doing this for almost a year now, and I’ve noticed that my brain no longer feels like it’s working overtime; my head feels clearer. Because my brain is relaxed, so is my body.

Another thing that has affected my body is going to the gym. Working out is a hack that not many people know about. Early morning gym is what gives my body and brain the energy to tackle whatever activity I have for the day. I always feel so refreshed, like I can take over the world. I strongly recommend it. Working out at night is also great if you’re not a morning person. You get to offload all the mental exhaustion from the day and prepare yourself for a good sleep.

Asking for help but also doing things alone

With all the stress around adulting, I’ve had to learn to ask for help. I always thought I could do everything alone, but that overwhelmed me. My current job has made me realise that asking for help is okay. And there are always people willing to help you. I feel more at ease now that I’m not doing everything by myself. But, I’ve also learnt to do things alone, such as going to the beach, restaurants, parties etc. Another hack I’ve learnt that has made adulting easier for me is to go out alone. Spending quality time with myself outside of the house helps me clear my head and re-energise. It also makes me feel relaxed and at peace and allows me to disconnect from this stressful adulting world.

Outsourcing

One of the most important things I’ve learnt is outsourcing. If you’re going to take anything from this article, take this. Work takes up most of my time during the day. I never have the time to run errands or grocery shop. I’ve had to learn to outsource it. I simply do not have the time or energy to enter Lagos traffic to do all that running around. Apps like Glovo help with things like this.

I also outsource food as much as I can. I don’t always have the energy to cook and prep my meals on the weekends, so in the coming week, I order food. I’ve stopped feeling guilty about ordering food online. Being an adult is exhausting, and sometimes I may just want to eat a burger while binge-watching my favourite TV series as a way to distress. Don’t feel guilty about choosing to order food instead of cooking. Buy it and enjoy it with your full chest. If you’re looking for where to order food, the Glovo app lists many restaurants you can order from.

Glovo is an app that allows you to order from the app. There’s no need to worry about not finding what you want because there are various store options to choose from. And everything is actually quite affordable. Plus, the “Glovo Bargains” category on the app gives you up to 30% discounts on your groceries. In this economy? You better rush and download the Glovo app now so you can have access to the discounts.

Download the app for free on either iOS or Android and watch life become easier for you.
Are you a social guy like Sunset Orange or are you stylish like Pink Berry? Take this quiz and find out.
Nigeria is too hard, and life is too short for you to still be doing regular boring ice cream combinations. Instead of regular chocolates, Oreos and strawberries, try adding these things to elevate your ice cream game:

Plantain

Image source: World of flavour

Plantain and ice cream slaps like crazy! I know this because I’ve tried it before in this video. Make sure you use overripe plantain — the one five minutes away from spoiling.

@zikokomag_
#stitch with @themoodyfoody Ever wondered what ice cream and plantain taste like? @dammyeneli tried plantain ice cream so you don’t have to.
♬ original sound – Zikoko

French fries

Image source: Pinterest

Have you even lived if you’ve never dunked french fries into vanilla ice cream? It gives this weird, salty and sweet combination. Plus, the warmth of the fries goes well with the cold of the ice cream.

Okra

Image source: Briana Thomas

My colleague Tega once wrote about different okra recipes. She mentioned okra ice cream as one of her options, and she even gave a recipe. It can’t be that bad if people are out there eating it. You can use this to lie to yourself that you’re eating healthy.

AND Yes, These Foods Can Be Eaten Raw

Bacon

Image source: Food.com

Bacon goes with everything (you know I’m telling the truth). There’s just something about how the sizzling bacon’s crispness matches the ice cream’s sweetness. Goes well with any kind of ice cream.

Cheese

Image source: Foodiy REYNA

As a lover of cheese, I endorse this particular combination. Grating a bit of cheese over vanilla or caramel ice cream makes for the perfect dessert. If you want to be adventurous, melt the cheese and mix it with the ice cream entirely. If you’re lactose intolerant, for your own sake and those around you, don’t try this.

Suya

Image source: Pickles and ice cream

On paper, suya and ice cream doesn’t make sense. But when you try it, you’ll see that I know what I’m talking about. The ice cream acts as some kind of sweet sauce for the meat.

Cereal

Image source: Kitchen sanctuary

Instead of using milk, use vanilla ice cream for your cereal. I promise, you’ll return and praise me for this marvellous combination. I recently tried vanilla ice cream and coco pops, and I was crying serious tears of joy at how good it was.

ALSO READ: 4 Ice Cream Flavours That Are Straight-Up Garbage

Pepper

Image source: Forbes

If you’re the type to add pepper to almost everything you eat, you’ll like this combo. The cold ice cream tempers the hotness of the pepper. Just cut one tiny ata rodo (fresh red pepper) and mix it with vanilla or chocolate ice cream for a tingly edge.

Plantain chips

Image source: Snixy kitchen

Instead of crushed biscuits, try crushed plantain chips. From the crunchiness of the chips to how all the flavours mix together, you’ll fall in love. In fact, once I finish writing this article, I’m going to try it again.

Coffee

Image source:Greena getech

Swap out the sugar and milk in your coffee for ice cream. It’ll almost feel like you added whipped cream. Enjoy your drink and dessert in one go.

Puff puff

Image source: Food ace

I tried this combo for the first time at a restaurant and fell in love. Hot, sweet puff puff with cold ice cream is one thing everyone should try at least once in their life. You can run it with any ice cream flavour of your choice.

ALSO READ: Forget Ice Cream, These Comfort Foods Actually Bang
It’s Friday night, and you’ve just entered this new spot called Z Bar, the superior alphabet bar in Lagos (argue with your laptop charger). You walk in and see the name Zikoko everywhere, and there’s a mix of joy and fear on your face. Because you know nothing is normal when it comes to Zikoko.

This is what’s likely to happen if Zikoko were to be a bar:

You’ll be quizzed

“Take This Quiz, and We’ll Know If You’re Above 18 or Not”. We can’t just give you drinks without knowing if you’re legal or not. You’ll also have to take the “How Drunk Are You?” quiz so we can know when to stop giving you drinks.

We’ll have the most exciting cocktail names

We’re Zikoko, so we don’t do basic cocktail names like Margarita, Daiquiri, Tequila Sunrise etc. Expect to hear names like “God abeg”, “Lagos traffic“, “Gen-Z=Best in employees”, “Wizkid is more popular than Ronaldo”, “I don’t want to be a mechanic”…

We’ll serve you drinks in an entertaining way

You know those cool tricks bartenders do, like throwing the bottle up and catching it? We’ll also do something like that, but we’ll dance “Joha” and “Ijo laba laba” instead, to give you a proper show. If we do bottle-throwing tricks, somebody will get injured and that’s how the party will end.

You’ll also be fed

We won’t allow you to drink on an empty stomach. As we give you a drink, we’re giving you food to go along with it. We pray not to run out of business by giving free food anyhow.

Expect to see a lot of purple

Your drinks WILL be purple no matter what drink you order. Take it or leave it. Purple glass with a purple straw/tiny umbrella, and it’s not because you’re a pimp named Slickback.

Also, expect a lot of Zs

Why did ex leave you? Because XYZ. [Omo just take this joke like that.] This is the type of content to expect in our menu because we’re funny like that. Also, don’t be surprised when your ice and cocktail glass are in the shape of a “Z”. It’s giving aesthetics.

You’ll definitely have a good time

We learnt from the best. Your drinks will be 98% spirit and 2% juice, so you’d get lit. Only problem is, you may wake up in your ex’s bed the next day sha.

Dorime for everybody

Everyone gets a Dorime, even if they buy water. As long as you’re buying from Z Bar, we’ll hype you.

Our drinks are based on dollar price

If the dollar price goes up that minute while you’re ordering the drink, we’re changing the price, sorry. What you should pray for is that it goes down.

————————————————————————————————————–

If you’re looking for cocktails that won’t be affected by the dollar price, and won’t leave you with the worst hangover that man has ever experienced, then we’re not for you. Go for Lagos cocktail week instead. There you’ll experience various cocktails by different mixologists and drink sponsors, and you’ll get to see more than just purple drinks.

Be sure to attend the Cocktail Village Pop-up especially. It’s happening at the Balmoral Convention Center on the 20th and 21st of October 2022. Wristbands to attend cost just ₦5,000. Z Bar drinks are much more expensive than that. Click here to get your tickets.

Day 1

Turkey and plantain pepper soup

Day 2

Tropical fried rice

Day 3

Zobo Martini

Day 4

Peppered cow liver

Day 5

Yaji chicken pops

Day 6

Hot chocolate Baileys

Day 7

Puff puff and Ice cream

Day 8

Ponmo sauce

Day 9

Pineapple and watermelon mocktail

Day 10

Chocolate fudge brownie ice cream

Day 11

Mkpafere soup

Day 12

Bee’s Knees

You’ll have someone to take home

Shared Uber fare

They’ll always have your time

You can date an IJGB

You’ll get a Christmas present

You’ll have someone to take pyjamas pictures with

No dating stress

You won’t attend events alone

Pro: He’ll do all the heavy lifting

Con: He’ll use soreness as an excuse to not do anything

Pro: He’ll never get tired in bed

Con: Forget about morning sex

Pro: It’s easy to get them presents

Con: Money for dates will go to gym supplements

Pro: He’ll never get tired of you sleeping on his arms

Con: He has muscles but can’t fight

Pro: He’ll help with your fitness goals

Con: He’ll talk and talk about gym stuff

Pro: They’re always cooking

Con: He’ll try to make you join annoying diets

Pro: He’s very nice to look at

Con: Other people think so too

Pro: He can lift you up

Con: Pillow fights become dangerous

Why agbo jedi jedi is taken after eating too much sugar

What you mean when you say, “Are you mad?”

Why there’s soup inside an ice cream container

Why you say “omo” 500 times a day

Why you say, “Sorry, please, excuse me,” before asking for anything

Why you run away when strangers want to ask for directions

Why olive oil is the answer to everything

Why you have to say, “Put it on my head”

Why you say parlour instead of living room

Why Nigerian events have different tickets for VIPs and regulars

Why you use feathers to clean your ear

Why gospel songs have to be played while doing chores every Saturday morning

Why we have to eat rice and stew on Sundays

Attend parties to pack money

Give sacrifice on December 31

Beg

Plant a money tree

Find a sugar parent

Ask your IJGB friends

Ask your parents

Stay inside

They wake up and immediately cause chaos

They’re always trying to hurt themselves

You’d be surprised what their poo smells like

They sleep and wake up whenever they like

The house is never tidy

Get ready for your things to be destroyed

They communicate by crying

They always do crackhead things

There’s wahala if they don’t get their way

You wake up in the morning and wonder why you agreed to go to this thing in the first place.

You hate that none of your friends can make it because they don’t know the person celebrating.