Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121 Dammy Eneli, Author at Zikoko!
I’m starting to love weekends more now because of all the events I get to attend. Last Saturday, I went to Flying Fish’s pool party, and I had way too much fun. I don’t usually attend pool parties because I cannot give my haters the chance to shine by throwing me inside the pool. But I had no choice in attending this one because Zikoko said so. For once, I’m thankful for capitalism because that party was lit!
The party was at Sol Beach by Box Mall. I got there at past 12, and first fell in love with how colourful the place looked. Of course, there were many instagrammbale spots; you can’t throw a party with influencers without giving them aesthetically pleasing backdrops. There was a photo booth, where people got to take really cool pictures. There was also a runway. I got on it, strutted up and down like a supermodel and honestly, Naomi Campbell has nothing on me. I loved seeing people have fun, making videos and taking pictures on the runway in their stylish beach outfits. I need more of this at parties, please.
Most of the activities happened around the pool. I didn’t get in the pool but other people did, and they had a lot of fun. There were water gun fights, water volleyball, swimming, and some people were just peacefully floating in the pool. Those outside the pool got to play games like beer pong, and musical chairs with a twist whoever; didn’t get a chair had to jump in the pool.
Belly dancers came out to dance and remind us that hips don’t lie. There was also pool karaoke, which was super entertaining because people took their performances very seriously. People were asked to form music groups with backup singers and dancers. And boy, every single person took it seriously. If you heard that Beyoncé fell down while performing during her Renaissance tour, it’s because a group of people in VI, Lagos, Nigeria, snatched her throne for a few minutes. Or maybe they just wanted to win the cash prize, we’ll never know.
By the way, did I mention that there was free food and unlimited Flying Fish beers going around? I promise I drank responsibly. But I ate until I couldn’t anymore because I had only white rice and stew in my fridge. Don’t judge me, please.
I had so much fun. I danced until I was struggling to breathe. I literally had to take a break to use my inhaler. I love it when people choose DJs that know how to keep the crowd hyped up until the end. DJ Dayzee and DJ Neptune killed it!
The Flying Fish Influencer Party was an unforgettable experience. The venue was perfect, the activities were fun, and the energy was exhilarating. I’m so glad I got to attend.
I was at the Spotify African Heat Party on Saturday and first of all, I’d just like to say thank you to my boss, for choosing me to go because I had the best time! I can’t remember the last time I danced that much. I had to sleep for a whole day to recover. Let me tell you some of my favourite things from the party:
Handi and Wanni
Not only were the main DJs for the night two gorgeous women who also happen to be twin sisters, I love how easily they got the crowd lit. They would play music then leave their DJ table to come and drop moves on the stage. I loved them so much. They got everyone really hyped up for the party.
Performances
I lost my voice from screaming out loud to every song the performers performed. Odumodu Black came on stage and I sang Declan Rice like my life depended on it. Teni came on stage with her best friend— a mascot (a bird wearing a jersey with Teni’s name on it) and her entire performance reminded me of how much of a badass she is at this music thing. My favourite part was when she came down from the stage and started singing in the middle of the crowd. Joeboy was the final performer and I didn’t want him to leave the stage. I just wanted him to keep serenading me like I’m the love of his life.
The DJs
Sarz came and scattered the dancefloor with his Amapiano afrobeat mix. Every time he transitioned into a new song, people screamed in excitement because it was always a hit. Sarz is really not anybody’s mate. Then DJ Tohbad came and told us that we weren’t done dancing and kept dropping jams upon jams. My feet have still not recovered.
Everyone dancing
I love how everyone was so comfortable and relaxed. We all danced and genuinely had a great time. The Spotify crew went around hyping people while they were dancing. It was like having your own personal hypeman for a bit.
The food truck
This food truck saved my life. After I used up all my energy dancing, I became crazy hungry. I was so happy that there was a food truck still serving food at midnight. I don’t know if it was the hunger or the adrenaline from all the dancing, but the shawarma I had slapped like a Nigerian mother. More parties need to adopt the concept of selling affordable food till whenever the party ends. Sometimes, Jay’s Diner is too far away.
How close to the stage I was
One of the highlights of the entire event was how close I was to the stage. I’m talking “I-could-almost-touch-the-performers’-shoes” close. Also, everyone had the same tickets and had equal access to the entire venue, which is rare at Lagos parties. It made the party even more fun, we were all just feeling the music and vibing together.
The photobooth
There was a really cool danfo photo booth that people loved. Spotify was very intentional about the ambience and decor of the venue. Even the food truck matched the theme.
The event left no doubt that African Heat is the ultimate go-to for all things African music and culture. It proudly showcased Spotify’s strong commitment to promoting the rise of African artists and making sure they have their shining moment in the spotlight.
Remember that human beings are wicked
Remind yourself that the heart of every single gender that exists is wicked. Go to one of those relationship advice pages and read the shege people who’ve caught feelings are seeing. Your eye will clear.
Think about the breakfast that awaits you
If you want to truly stop catching feelings, remember what popular philosopher, Burna Boy, said, “Last last, na everybody go chop breakfast.” The fear of heartbreak will make all feelings disappear.
Travel
The plan is to catch flights, not feelings. What are you doing? My friend, bring out your passport and start travelling the world. By the time you’re sipping a Mai Tai in Cape Point, you’ll forget about the person you’re supposed to be falling for.
Read their messages
Yes, this is an invasion of privacy, but there’s a high chance you’ll see something that’ll give you immediate chest pain that’ll make the feelings disappear. And isn’t that the goal here? Either you find out they’re saying rubbish about you in the group chat, or they’re interested in someone else, it’s better to know before the feelings get too deep.
Tell your friends
Make sure you let them know all the red flags and why you shouldn’t be liking them. Friends are best at convincing us to cancel and block any person causing us stress and pain.
Remind yourself that a bad bitch doesn’t catch feelings
Stand in front of a mirror, beat your chest three times, and say, “I’m a bad bitch, and I don’t do feelings. So I’ll stop having feelings for *insert name*”. Repeat this every day for three days, and you’ll be fine.
Write an epistle
Send the person an epistle telling them how you feel about them. Their one word/sentence reply will annoy the feelings out of you.
Use jazz
For some reason, people use jazz to make other people fall in love with them. Well, your case is different. You can’t be catching feelings in these streets, abeg. Time to find your nearest babalawo.
Just accept it
Why are you trying to stop what’s meant to be? Embrace the feelings happily. If you see shege, it’s okay. It’s part of life.
He’ll announce that basic bitches like us would only have access to 20 tweets per month. If you want unlimited tweets, pay for Twitter Blue. For those of us who’d finish the 20 tweets in two hours but refuse to pay, we’d finally have time to discover the cure for AIDS or come up with new creations, like a noiseless blender.
Unlimited mentions
Elon would find a way to limit the number of people you can mention in a tweet, just because he wants you to subscribe to Twitter Blue. When you see, “Tag someone who…,” you’d think twice before responding. Your new thing would be putting the person’s name instead of their @ and sending the tweet to their DMs so they can see it and reply.
Twitter Spaces
Can’t lie, I won’t mind this one because people are too quick to start spaces these days. Any small talk on the TL, and there’s a space. Let this be the problem of Blue Tick Twitter, abeg.
Quote tweets
Forget ratioing people who annoy you, because Elon would limit your ability to quote people’s tweets too. Before you know it, you’d see: “You can’t quote this tweet because you have reached your target number of quotes for the month. To quote as many tweets as you like, subscribe for Twitter Blue.”
Posting pictures
People would only be able to post one picture at a time or a certain number of pictures per month, unless they pay. Forget about monthly dumps and random screenshots of everything happening in your life.
Have followers
Yeah, that’s right. It may get to a point where people wouldn’t be able to follow you because you’ve reached the highest number of followers a free account can have. You’d wake up one day and see you’ve lost more than half your followers because our Tesla oga said we have to pay to have extra people following us.
Tweet about certain topics
I solidly stand behind this one. So that those who want to recycle the same topics every five days — who pays for dates or should women cook for men — would finally be stopped. Let them go and be a problem among the rich in Blue Tick Twitter.
Everything
The entire app would become subscription-based like Netflix or Apple Music. The way things are going, Elon will definitely ask us to pay to access the app at all. And that’s the day I’ll go back to Facebook.
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In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods a chance to write love letters to who they care about. Love Letters to Food.
Egg Sauce of life,
I’m in awe of you. I love how diverse you are. You can be cooked in so many ways with different ingredients. It’s one of the reasons why many people love you. You bring all the excitement to this marriage, and I’m grateful for it.
When I was dating stew, not only was I always bored, but I also felt incomplete, like something was missing. I couldn’t figure out what it was until I met you. It felt like an age-old connection was rekindled, and every moment we spend together, I appreciate all that you offer me.
You’re my best friend. I love that we can be romantic and lovey-dovey and also goofy and mischievous as hell. I remember when someone made us for lunch, ate a tiny bit and put the rest of us in the fridge. We felt so unwanted and wanted to get revenge so bad, we decided to fall on the floor the next time he took us out of the fridge. The look on his face was too funny.
You make life so easy; when people are thinking of what to eat me with, you always make yourself an available option, and I really appreciate that. In the midst of all the chaos in this country, you’ve been there for me. When people boil me too soft, you comfort me and tell me you’ll deal with the person. It’s so cute when you act like you can fight. I remember when you threatened to beat up that Chukwudi boy who cut me up haphazardly and then forgot about me until I got burnt because he went to watch a football match. I found it so sexy and adorable at the same.
I love how we work so well together, like we were meant to be. The way your sauce mixes with my soft body is the reason people love us so much. We’re the perfect breakfast combo. If anyone disagrees, they can argue with their frying pan. I hope we continue to make people happy during mealtime. I also hope I bring you even a fraction of the joy you bring me.
You have illuminated my life and enriched it far more than I could have dreamed possible. I can’t imagine my world without you. To more breakfasts and brunches.
Love,
Yam
In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to those they care about. This is Love Letters to Food.
Dear Beans,
Remember when we were at a bukka and a man came in shouting that their food had given him explosive diarrhoea? He was so furious as told them how he spent his entire day in and out of the toilet and even finished all the tissue in the house.
We just sat in a corner laughing because you were the cause of his stomach problem. When you were being cooked, you pretended like you were done, so the seller put off the fire and served you like that. It was even funnier because I was on the plate with you and knew the prank you were about to pull. It was such a foolish prank.
I miss when we used to cause mischief. You were always ready to do foolish things with me, and that’s why you’re my favourite cousin in the entire world. You’re the one family member I genuinely get along with. Butter and egg are great, but they’re also boring. Their idea of fun is starting polls on who between them people prefer to eat me with. And I hate the polls because I’d rather be eaten with you.
People used to eat us together a lot. . They used to crave us so much that, before Thursday, we would’ve been served to at least 16 people in one bukka alone. We were the perfect team because we taste great for how cheap we are. But now, we rarely see each other.
You spend a lot more time with yam, plantain and rice. And I guess it’s because people don’t just want to eat you and me all the time. I’ve even seen you hang out with sliced bread and spaghetti a few times. And while I’m happy you get to spend more time with other foods (I’m not sure about you and spaghetti sha), I sometimes long for the days when it was you and I, with the others as “once in a while” options.
You’re not just my cousin, you’re my best friend. And despite all the foods I’ve met in this life, there’s no one like you. You’re so cool people even eat you alone and enjoy you. You make them gassy and that makes you such a fun food because there’s never a dull moment with you. Remember when we used to laugh at short people who ate a lot of you because they thought it would make them taller? Or when people used to dip me in Coke because that’s how much sapa had dealt with them. Good times.
Thank you for bringing excitement into my life. Thank you for showing me there’s more to life than sitting around and waiting to be eaten. As I’ve said about 100 times in this love letter, I miss you cuz. Life is boring without you. I really hope we get to spend a lot more time together this year. With the way the economy is going, more people will look for us soon, so be ready. We need to be there for them in their time of need.
I can’t wait to see you again.
Love,
Agege bread
Nigerians in the diaspora can be annoying sometimes. It’s like they all got the same memo: Japa and begin to find ways to annoy all the Nigerians you left behind. I need japa connoisseurs to please stop doing these 10 things.
Recording videos in the snow
One thing japa warriors have in common is recording all their videos outside in the snow. Does the snow emphasise that they’re abroad, or does it show the hardship they’re really going through? Either way, they need to stop.
Telling us how cold it is
At least 100 new Ontarians have told us how cold it is. We’ve heard. But it won’t stop us from coming.
Reminding us that it’s not easy
Every five seconds, they must remind us that living abroad isn’t easy, like they’re not enjoying the perks of a functional society and economy. Come back to Nigeria then, if abroad is so tough. Nowhere is completely easy, except you’re rich.
Telling us to stay back
I hate when they make statements like, “Don’t come to the UK. The people here aren’t friendly”, or “Don’t come to Japan. The sun doesn’t shine”. Other nationalities are finding ways to bring in more of their people, but Nigerians are telling theirs not to come.
Telling us how lonely it is
They don’t even mean they miss their families or struggle to make genuine friends. All they care about is how hard it is to find a sex partner. Then they tell us to find partners we can bring abroad with us.
Telling us to japa
They japa and immediately forget the struggles they faced when they were leaving the country. Now, every time something bad happens in Nigeria, we get variations of “Better japa fast if you like yourself”, “Japa o. Nigeria is horrible”. Will you give me the money?
Acting like they don’t know how bad Nigeria is
All of a sudden, they’ve forgotten that NEPA takes light and the background sound they hear over the phone is generator noise. I once complained about working late at a former bank job, to a friend abroad, and he asked me to quit since they aren’t paying overtime. You say, what?
Telling us how much stuff in their new country costs in naira
“Can’t believe I just paid ₦13k to barb my hair.” No, sir. You paid $30. They’re not earning in naira, so I don’t get why they’re always crying about the naira equivalent of things. Are they looking for pity?
In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to those they care about. This is Love Letters to Food.
Dear Fried Rice,
We get pitted against each other a lot, so people don’t really know how close we are. You’re the best friend I can’t do without. They see us as two competitors always fighting about who’s superior, but it’s so crazy how people don’t see that all our fighting is just banter. Like when you drag me for dating chicken because no one else can stand my wahala.
Every time I’m down or feeling a bit of self-doubt because one restaurant or caterer didn’t cook me well, you never fail to remind me I’m a bad bitch, that countries all over the world fight about which version of me is the best, and Nigerian households cook me anytime they get the chance. I don’t think I can be in a bad mood for too long when I’m around you because you always know the right thing to say to make me feel better. Even when you’re not physically there, one phone call to you and I’m all good. I couldn’t ask for a better best friend and partner.
You always say all these amazing things about me, but have you met you? You’re sweet, the most exotic type of rice there is, and anybody who disagrees can kiss a burning pot. You’re so full of life — only you has carrots, green peas, spring onions, bell peppers, shrimps and more. That’s why you give people around you life, and that’s why you’re a celebratory meal. You may not be cooked often in Nigerian homes, but that’s because they save you for special occasions. You’re that special.
I’m so glad we’re served together at most events. It has brought us closer than ever because we get to gist and gossip a lot. I love how we notice the same things; all we have to do is look at each other. I always have to hold myself from bursting out in laughter, and that’s what makes events fun for me. Whenever I’m served without you, it’s always boring because there’s no one to gist or make jokes with. All chicken knows how to do is complain that people don’t eat its bone in public. No one understands me like you do.
I can’t imagine what life would be like without you as my best friend. Who’d I complain to when one expensive restaurant adds too much curry to me? Remember the first time you met turkey, and he took you to a bukka for your first date? You thought turkey was one rich protein and that he was going to take you to an exotic fancy restaurant, only for you to end up in a bukka. It was such a hilarious experience.
Thank you for being the best friend any food could ask for, for staying by my side in the good times and bad. I love you, and I look forward to more chaotic times with you.
Trenches food is the cheap food people buy off the streets or roadside restaurants. The people of Twitter go on and on about how it’s the best kind of food out there, and to be honest, I don’t disagree. BUT not all of it is great, and that’s why I’ve decided to rank the top ten trenches foods from “hell no” to “top-tier”.
I’ve never had this, but I bet it tastes as unappealing as it looks. People who say they like this are lying. How can you eat something that looks so bland?
I understand we’re talking about trenches food, but come on now, spaghetti and beans? Why did anybody think this would be a good combination? There’s no way this tastes good because the textures of both meals just don’t go together. The worst is rice, spaghetti and beans. You must be eating for eating sake if you eat that.
What is it with mama put and adding beans anywhere it’s not needed? Is yam and stew not good enough? Eating two heavy meals together can’t be good for anybody.
Agege bread and butter
Just bread and butter? No egg, beans, akara or even stew? It’s giving basic.
The best akara is the kind you buy from the mama down the road from your office at 7 a.m. before work starts. It’s straight out of the fire and goes perfectly with agege bread or pap hot enough to burn your throat. The bread is two days stale, and the pap is the kind they scoop with a big plastic cup.
Whether you have it early in the morning, afternoon or at night, fried yam or potato with pepper sauce will always bang. Take note though, it must be served inside black nylon or newspaper. If they give it to you in a styrofoam plate, it won’t have the sweet trenches taste.
The rice has to come with ofada sauce that has enough pepper in it to make you cry, plenty of meat, two boiled eggs and five fingers of plantain.
White rice, stew and boiled egg
The egg has to be soaked in the stew, and the stew must have enough oil to reduce your life span by eight years. If not, the food won’t slap.
Mai shayi bread and egg
I’m not sure whether it’s the excess oil or how they press the bread in the frying pan after putting the egg in the middle, but mai shayi agege bread and egg sandwich tastes like it dropped from heaven.
Ewa agoyin and agege bread
Nothing beats trenches ewa agoyin. A restaurant opened up and tried to sell it in fancy packaging. That didn’t work out because the trenches is part of ewa agoyin’s sauce. It’s best served in a styrofoam plate with the oil dripping into the black nylon and staining everywhere.
In the spirit of valentine, we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to who they care about. This is Love Letters to Food
Dear Dodo,
I’m thinking about the first time we met as I write this letter. It was the day my life changed.
Before you, very few people liked me. Anytime they heard gizzard, they acted like someone just gave them semo. I was always picked last from a pot of stew, and if I was mistakenly served on a plate, I had to deal with the fear of being pushed aside and ignored. Do you know what it feels like to always expect rejection? Semo does, and only semo should. I was really going through it, and I felt so alone. Then you came into my life.
From the moment we started dating, we were the power couple. Everyone wanted us around; we got invited to so many events and served to all kinds of people.
Now, I’m in places I never would’ve dreamt of. I even get treated more special than small chops, and it’s all because of you. You’re a blessing to not just me but to everyone around you. Your friends — beans, egg and jollof rice — can testify to how much of a blessing you are.
The more they cook and serve us together, the more I fall in love with you. Every moment we spend together is magical. Whether we’re served at a wedding, a 70th birthday, a bridal shower or even a burial, whether we’re alone or served with our friends, as long as I’m with you, that’s all that matters.
In this month of love, I want to say thank you for creating magic with me and making us Gizdodo. It’s so crazy how, despite our opposite textures, we work so well together. We were meant for each other. The only time we fight is when people leave us out to spoil, and that’s because we’re both fighting for our lives. But that rarely even happens.
You’re an incredible partner and soulmate, and I love you more than I can ever express. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you on different plates at more events. I love you from one owambe to the other.
You’ve come to the point where you’re tired of your relationship and you want to end it. Wait first. I’m not saying you shouldn’t break up with your partner. It’s just that these nine times may be inappropriate.
When NEPA takes light
The pain in people’s chests when NEPA takes light is one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s as if your entire world has crumbled. Why would you want to add to this by breaking up with them at that moment? After NEPA, you’re the next thing that lights up their world, and you want to take that away and leave them in complete darkness? Haba now.
After unnecessary billing
In the current Nigerian economy, anybody who receives any form of unnecessary billing needs to be cuddled and kissed, not broken up with. They’re already going through a lot. Just wait small.
When they’re being dragged on social media
They need all the emotional support they can get at this time, because people on the internet can be wicked. This isn’t the time to dump them; they need you.
After they find out you cheated on them
They’re already heartbroken. You want to add to it by breaking up with them? Don’t be a wicked person. Give them time to digest the information about your cheating first. There’s only so much a person can take at once.
When they have diarrhoea
Their stomach is in pain, don’t add their heart to it too. One organ after the other, please. Plus the bum bum tears, thanks the constant pooing, is bad enough. They don’t need to shed actual tears from heartbreak too.
After they receive bad news from the doctor
If you break up with them, the pain from the heartbreak will accelerate the sickness they just found out about, and that’s how they’ll die. Avoid being a killer by waiting a bit before you serve them breakfast.
When you’re about to japa
You want to leave them physically and emotionally? That’s not fair. Give them something to hold on to for a bit. Maybe when you travel, it’ll be easier for them to understand the breakup.
During elections
Do you want to be the reason they don’t vote? Because that’s what’ll happen if you break up with them around election time. They’ll stay home and cry instead of going out to choose a candidate who’ll make our country better. Or they’ll decide to vote for the wrong candidate as a way to punish you, and then an entire nation will suffer because you had to be a heartbreaker.
When they’re working out at the gym
Because they may drop a dumbell on your foot out of shock.
It’s good to be adventurous with food, but Nigerians make some choices that should be considered a jailable crime. These ten things are the worst of them all.
Drinking garri with milk
I need the person who started this crime to explain what they were thinking. In what way is garri and milk a good combination? Is it cereal? (Anyone who just answered yes deserves punishment). The real criminals are those who do it with Ijebu garri.
Eating suya in the afternoon
Check the Nigerian constitution, and you’ll see it written there that suya must be made and eaten at night because “night” is the key ingredient. If you ever eat it in the morning or afternoon, you’re committing a federal crime, and you deserved to be flogged.
Saying Lagos bole is better than PH bole
First of all, this is just complete self-deceit. How can you see PH Bole in all its juicy gloriousness, with the fish, pepper sauce, soft ponmo etc., and say boring Lagos Bole is better? Don’t say it outside, or they’ll lock you up.
Taking cereal with hot water
Only babies are exempted from this because they have to eat soggy nonsense. They don’t have teeth. But as a grown adult without teeth problems, you should be deployed into the Nigerian army to eat corn and garri since you don’t appreciate good food.
Eating swallow with cutlery
Nigeria gained independence from the British in 1960. This means we no longer have to do things the way the colonisers taught us. So please, drop that fork and use your hand to eat that eba. If you don’t, it means you’re a coloniser and we’ll have to lock you up.
People who swallow swallow
If you swallow eba, amala, fufu, pounded yam or any other swallow, without chewing, you’re a cultist or hired assassin and that’s why you should be put in jail. You plus the person who named these foods “swallow” when they’re clearly meant to be chewed. We need a petition to change the name to “chewers”, please.
Eating anything that’s not rice and stew on Sunday
Who do you think you are, trying to break a lifelong tradition of eating rice and stew on a Sunday? Rice and stew was ordained as the traditional meal for Sunday lunch since before our parents were born. If you eat anything else, you’re dishonouring tradition, and the gods will flog you when you’re asleep at night.
In Nollywood romcoms, certain families hate when their child dates someone they think isn’t fit for them. They try to bribe the person to leave their child, but the person always says no. LOL, how stupid.
The economy is tough, and you must be looking for how to make money. So let’s help you meet these families and make better decisions than those fictional characters.
Make a rich person fall in love with you
Not just a regular rich person o. Specifically, someone who’s from: 1) a royal family, 2) a political family, 3) a family with some sort of high status and is always in the media, or 4) a family with generational wealth.
Be part of the family’s domestic staff
Make sure you already work as the family gardener or cleaner. Once the parents realise it’s you their son is falling in love with, they’ll be afraid of public disgrace and try to get rid of you quietly. This is where the money comes in.
Act very poor
These types of families don’t like to associate with poverty except when it’s charity. Once they see you’re poor, they’ll want to get rid of you fast so their rich status won’t be ruined. And their answer will always be to pay their way out of it by giving you a huge sum of money to leave their child alone.
Be a gold digger
Wealthy people hate when people use them for their money. Make it obvious their child spends lavishly on you and you love it so much. Ask the child for ridiculous amounts of money in front of them. Once they think you’re only there for financial gain, they’ll hate you. Next things, they’ll try to send you away by bribing you with the same money you keep asking for, hoping that as a gold digger, you’ll gladly accept it. And they’ll be right.
Be badly behaved
Once you’re settled in the relationship, act like a child without home training. Be disrespectful; Don’t greet, answer questions rudely, dress inappropriately, etc. Don’t do it so much that the child would want to break up with you. Do it in a way that the family dislikes you, but because their child likes you, they’ll pretend to like you too. But try to pay you off in secret.
Embarrass yourself on social media
When it comes to these types of families, you can only post pictures and videos of yourself smiling (in “appropriate” clothes) on social media. Anything more than that and you became an embarrassment. So you don’t even have to do too much. Just post videos of yourself doing skits, and they’ll immediately think you’re not suitable for their child.
Or just be normal
Wealthy people always think their children should date people of the same or higher financial or social status. As the daughter of Chief Nkwobi, you can’t marry Rafieus the KPMG accountant. So if you’re a normal person from a middle-class family, they’ll say you’re not good enough for their child. And try to use money to make you go away.
Embarrass them in public
Everybody fears public embarrassment but nobody fears it more than rich people who have a reputation to protect. Do one small embarrassing thing while you’re with them outside, and they’ll want you out of their life for good.
They may deny it, but managers just love to give certain people almost all the work, as if they’re the only staff in the entire office. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s part of their job description or not.
If this is you and you’re sick of it, do these things to make sure your manager stops now.
Use jazz
Tell your babalawo to do an incantation that’ll erase your name from your boss’ memory every time they’re looking for someone to assign work to. The jazz has to be done well, if not they’ll also forget your name when it’s time for promotion.
Do a terrible job
Any time they give you work, do a terrible job. Do the opposite of what they ask, submit late, submit incomplete work, act like you didn’t get the assignment, etc. Eventually, they’ll get frustrated. You may get fired sha, so be ready for that too.
Quit
This may be the most efficient way to get your boss to forget about you. If you’re not an employee of the company, they can’t give you work.
Beg them to leave you alone
Be dramatic about it. Go down on your knees or roll on the floor and cry. They need to know how bad it is. Maybe then they’ll leave you alone.
Give them back their work
When they give you the work, tell them you need their help because you can’t understand it. Act confused until they do it themselves or assign it to someone else. Do this consistently, and they’ll stop thinking about you when it’s time to assign a task. Or they’ll see you as incompetent and fire you.
Air their life
When they text or call you for work, don’t answer. Air them every single time and say you didn’t see the call or message.
Remind them your colleague is less busy
Sometimes, they forget there are other employees in the company, so they need to be reminded. Tell them Chidozie has been pressing phone since morning while you’ve been doing ten million things.
Report them to your Nigerian mother
Nigerian mothers don’t like seeing their children stressed (except they’re the ones doing the stressing). If your mother finds out about your boss, she’d be quick to call and change it for them. They’ll never call your name again.
Valentine’s Day is less than three weeks away, and that’s why you should start dropping hints to your partner, in case your wishlist needs to be shipped from abroad. Here’s how to do this successfully.
Talk about how someone has it
Say things like, “Obinna’s partner just got him that new drone, and it’s so mad! Imagine getting such a gift, I’d cry.”
Mention it on social media
Find a post of your gift and repost it with a caption like, “This dress is so gorgeous” or “I’d do anything to get a washing machine like this.”
Randomly fit it into sentences
Even if it doesn’t make sense, just do it so it can implant in their brains. “I was walking down the road and I saw a Rolex as big as a bird”. They’ll say “Huh? Did you say Rolex?” Deny it with your full chest. But keep doing this and I promise they’ll get the hint.
Send them things related to what you want
If you want a new car, send them funny memes about people getting new cars. Send links to articles about the car and say, “Do you know that xxx car can do xxx?” Send them videos of the car being driven and articles on the danger of public transport or something like that. Flood them until you see the car in your driveway.
“Accidentally” send a picture of the gift to them
The trick here is to send them a picture or video of the gift you want with a caption like, “These shoes would look so nice on me”. Then tell them it was a mistake, that you wanted to send it to your best friend.
Involve your best friend
If your partner has never asked your best friend what gift you want, you need to start reconsidering the relationship. But just in case they’re not smart enough to ask, let your best friend bring it up to them in a subtle manner. Like getting them to talk about the gym then bringing up how you’ve wanted the latest gym shoes by so and so brand forever.
Use hypothetical situations
Say things like, “If I decide to start getting my life together, the first thing I’d do is get an iPad. It would make my life so much easier.” Do this, and on Valentine’s day, a dispatch rider will be dropping off an iPad at your house/office… only if your partner has money sha.
Use it against them
For example, when they complain that you go out too much, say, “If I had a PS5 now, I’d be indoors all the time, playing games. But since I don’t have that, I have to find other ways to relax after all the work stress.”
Tell them straight up
They may be too oblivious to notice the hints you’re dropping, so the best thing to do to make sure you get the gift you want is to tell them directly. You can even tell them where to get it.
All in all, If your partner doesn’t know what gift you want for Valentine’s day by now, they deserve to be flogged with koboko dipped in pepper and Buhari’s wickedness.
It’s the second Tuesday of the month, when the association of Nigerian witches have their monthly meetings. At these meetings, they get updates on the goals set the previous month, address concerns and come up with new ways to cause chaos. These meetings are from 1 – 2 a.m., and there’s always plenty food involved.
The five heads of the association are Shege, Village People, Semo, Nigerian Aunties and Femi. They each handle special departments.
Shege: Good midnight, everyone. Welcome to the first monthly meeting of the ANW in the year 2023.
*Everyone choruses “Good midnight”*
Shege: On the agenda today, we have:
Change of names
Goals for the month
Setbacks
Village people: Femi, did you bring akara as I asked?
Femi: No. I was busy with work.
Village people: How does work affect you conjuring food? It would literally have taken five seconds.
Femi: No vex.
Village people: I was really looking forward to…
Shege: It’s enough! Village people, you like food too much. Eat what’s available; there are plenty of other options. Have you tried my spaghetti?
Anyway, moving on to the first item on the agenda. Change of names. What’s the problem?
Semo: Why do I have to be called semo?
Shege: Because people hate you so much, and everyone here is named after someone or something people hate.
Femi: Wait, so why am I called Femi?
Village people: Are you really asking? Femis are the most wicked among all the Yoruba men. Their method of heartbreak will leave you in tears for years. Out of five people, four have been served breakfast by a Femi.
Femi: Where are you getting these statistics?
Village people: Trust me, I know.
Semo: Okay, but Semo doesn’t get that much hate, so I think we should change my name.
Femi: Is that a joke? Have you seen the way Semo is dragged on and offline? Bro, they call it trash and say it tastes like ass.
*Semo sighs*
Nigerian aunties: But many Nigerian aunties are loved.
Shege: How many? With all the fat-shaming, marriage pressure, condescending comments and never minding their businesses, who is loving them? The nice ones aren’t called Nigerian aunties. They’re either “rich auntie” or just “auntie”.
*Nigerian auntie rolls her eyes*
Shege: So we’re all good with names?
*Everyone mutters*
Shege: Good. On to the next. Goals for the month. Femi, over to you.
Femi: Okay so, Semo, your goal this month is to get more weddings to serve semo and other trash foods: fufu, white rice and stew, pap and hard ponmo. The goal is for people to be miserable at these weddings, especially those who weren’t invited.
Semo: How is this a way of torturing people?
Femi: Nigerians like food and enjoyment. Once you ruin that for them, they’ll start shedding tears. Oh, add ogbono soup to the list.
Semo: Okay.
Femi: Village people, your job this month is to make sure people don’t hear about their visas till just before they’re supposed to travel.
Village people: Why not just outrightly deny them the visa?
Shege: That’s not fun or creative enough. When they’re waiting for the visa, and it hasn’t been denied yet, they’re overthinking, worrying, crying almost every day and barely sleeping. THAT’s how to be wicked to someone.
Village people: Oya, let’s do this.
Nigerian auntie: Shege, you sabi this thing well.
Femi: Shege, you have three goals:
Make sure people always have problems with their network
Make sure people’s bank apps frustrate them five times before working
Drink up people’s data every two days.
Shege: Why is my own more than the others?
Femi: Have you heard your name? Shege. Your job is to constantly put people in extreme and unpleasant situations. Besides, you’re not doing it alone. You all have team members working. You can do this.
Shege: Na wa. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, I guess.
Femi: Nigerian auntie, I need you to get as many Gen Z children into trouble with their parents this month. Report every single thing they do, down to what they post on social media. We need them annoyed and frustrated.
Nigerian auntie: Let’s goooo.
Femi: And as for me, my job is to break as many Edo women’s hearts as possible.
Semo: Ah! Edo women? Is that even possible?
Shege: Even me, I’m afraid of Edo women. Their own wickedness pass our own sef
Femi: It’s going to be tough, but no heartbreak is too big a challenge for Femi.
Shege: Can’t wait to hear about it at next month’s meeting.
Semo: Moving on. I’ll be addressing the setbacks. Our main setback is using manual brooms. They’re slow and barely work. We were supposed to buy electric brooms last month, but the dollar rate has gone so high, we can’t afford them.
Nigerian auntie: Honestly, Buhari is making things hard for us.
Femi: Please, make sure you vote during these elections o. Has everybody collected their PVCs?
*Everyone choruses yes*
Semo: Maybe next month we’ll be able to buy the electric brooms.
Village people: But even when we buy the brooms, where do we want to find fuel?
Semo: When the time comes, we’ll figure it out.
Shege: Okay, is there anything else we need to talk about?
*Everyone choruses no*
Shege: Alright then, the meeting is adjourned. Everyone fly back home fast before they notice you’re gone.
Bukka, Restaurant and Eatery have died. In the afterlife, they go before the god of enjoyment to make a case for why they should go to heaven.
Enjoyment: Angel Chukwudi, who’s going first?
Angel Chukwudi: My Lord, Bukka is going first.
*Bukka comes forward*
*Enjoyment opens a scroll containing everything about the life Bukka lived on earth*
Enjoyment: Bukka, during your time on earth, you:
– Sold food in nylon bags
– Cut meat into tiny pieces and sold each for ₦50
– Gave people running stomach because of unsanitary cooking conditions
– Were always rude and put sweat in people’s foods
– Almost always killed people with heat
Why should I let you into heaven?
Bukka: Oh god of enjoyment, praise be unto thee. As you know, I was solely created to feed the masses, and I believe I did my job very well. I didn’t serve everyone food in nylons; only those who didn’t bring their plates or want to pay for my takeaway packs. Takeaway packs are expensive, so I couldn’t just give them out for free. I needed to make money for my business. About the food poisoning, it’s only people with weak-ass stomachs that got sick. My people on the streets stood strong.
Enjoyment: Ah, Bukka!
Bukka: Yes, my god. It’s true nau. I’m sorry for the unsanitary conditions. Some were out of my control, and others, I should’ve properly taken care of. As for the rude, sweaty servers, ahn ahn, you know it’s part of the ingredients that make the food sweet nau. I wouldn’t be called a Bukka if not for those two major items. And also, I used to give people regular-sized meat before, but when Buhari started showing us shege and the economy became tough, I had to start cutting the meat into two.
Enjoyment: Hmm
Bukka: My god, I saved lives by providing plenty food at cheap prices. No matter how tough the economy became, I didn’t change much. I was there making sure people ate always.
Enjoyment: Okay, I’ve heard you. Move one side. Who’s next?
Angel Chukwudi: Restaurant, my Lord.
*Restaurant walks to Enjoyment’s throne*
Enjoyment:*Reading from his scroll* Restaurant, you committed two major sins that make me want to send you to hell without even hearing you out:
– Charging people ridiculous amounts of money for tiny food that hardly ever tasted nice. How do you put one tablespoon of rice and one teaspoon of sauce and charge ₦20k for it? I shouldn’t allow you into heaven no matter what you say.
– Always wasting people’s time before serving their food. Why did people have to wait 45 minutes for you to cook the tiny portions of food?
Honestly, why should I send you to heaven?
Restaurant: Oh Lord of Enjoyment, I hail thee. My Lord, you know I was created for the high-class people, people rich enough to afford me…
Enjoyment: So high-class people didn’t deserve to eat? They always went back home to eat eba.
Restaurant: They deserved to eat, and that’s why they always had the chance to order more…
Enjoyment: With those prices?
Restaurant: My king, you’re not letting me explain myself.
Enjoyment: Because you were a thief. You made people pay your expensive rent in the name of food.
Restaurant: I was an experience. People didn’t just come to me for food but also for my ambience and aesthetics which allowed people to take beautiful Instagram reels and pictures. I kept influencers and food bloggers in business because they used me to create content. And just like Bukka fed the masses, I fed the rich people. It’s the same thing.
Enjoyment: Sigh. Move to the side. Who’s next?
Angel Bimbo: Eatery, my Lord.
Enjoyment: Where’s Chukwudi?
Angel Bimbo: He went to check why Bistro hasn’t gotten here yet.
Enjoyment: Oh that wasn’t a Bistro. It was just another restaurant calling himself a Bistro. He didn’t even know the meaning of the name.
Angel Bimbo: Thank you for clarifying, my lord. Eatery, you’re next.
*Eatery walks forward*
Enjoyment: Eatery, I don’t think you have to make a case. You did well. You sold decent food and had clean conditions, except when it came to your toilets. You even entertained people with the latest music videos — and sometimes, football matches — round-the-clock. Then, you had mostly nice workers and gave us perfect inventions like Chickwizz. You weren’t bad at all. You’ll make heaven.
Eatery: Oh god of enjoyment, thank you so much. Thank you.
Enjoyment: Bukka and Restaurant, come forward.
Bukka, you did good work on earth by giving my people cheap food. They could come to you with just ₦1k, and they’d eat well. Because of this, I’ll let you into heaven.
Bukka: Thank you so much, my king and god.
Enjoyment: Restaurant, you detty liar. You live a fake life, and I’m not letting you into heaven.
Fine Dining: Ah, god of Enjoyment. Please, don’t do this to me *He starts to cry* Please, hear me out.
Last year November, the Fidelity International Trade & Creative Connect (FITCC) created a panel of Nigerian creatives, to discuss:
-Exploring Co-creation and Partnerships with Nigeria-Diaspora Creatives
-Tapping the Diaspora Resource Pool to Unlock Opportunities in the Nigerian Creative Economy
These are seven important lessons we learnt during both sessions:
Continue to put yourself out there
Promote yourself, shoot your shot, share your work everywhere you go etc. According to Oreka Godis, “It’s important that people are aware of you.”
Don’t underestimate the power of partnerships
With partnerships, you get the opportunity to collaborate with people that’ll introduce you to new skills, new resources and new perceptions. Many opportunities exist for Nigerians to collaborate with people in the diaspora. You just need to find the right one.
Conversations on royalties are very important in the creative industry
If you’re planning to work with any person or brand, make sure to have important conversations such as how much you get paid, who owns what, and who gets to do what. These details have to be ironed out, written down and signed by all relevant parties before any partnerships and collaborations happen. If not, one creative may end up getting ripped off.
Continue re-inventing yourself
There was a time when people were listening to music on cassettes and CDs and the only way to make money was by selling these CDs. Now we have multiple music streaming platforms where musicians can share their songs with millions of people across the world. Find out how your industry is changing and change with it, if not you’ll be left behind.
Social media is an important distribution tool
Social media is one of the fastest ways for your work to be distributed. During the panel session, Brenda Fashugba emphasised the importance of creatives putting their content online. The internet is basically the new “word of mouth for creatives,” and that’s why you should consistently post your work. Every share counts.
Information is power
A lot of the things we achieve today aren’t just because of the talents we have but also because of the information we’ve acquired. Adedotun Soyebi said there need to be more platforms like FITCC which bring together creatives from Nigeria and the diaspora. You need to be part of these types of platforms so you can get the chance to exchange ideas, learn new skills and network with people that’ll be essential to your growth.
Create value in the way you understand
As an artist, writer, filmmaker, musician, video producer etc., how do you create value in your industry? This is what will make you unique and get people to notice you. What’s different about your work that’ll people want to engage with it?
Every time something bad happens, you’re quick to blame your village people. Have you ever considered you may be the cause of your problems? No. It’s to blame a set of people you’ve never seen, who apparently only have your downfall in mind. Your village people are tired, so stop blaming them for these things.
Not getting that job
The job announcement asked for someone with eight years of experience, and you still applied despite being a 22-year-old fresh graduate. Ok, maybe you had the experience, but they chose their inexperienced nephew over you. Another point to nepotism.
For being single
You stay in your house Monday to Sunday and think the people in the village are the ones stopping you from entering a relationship? Keep deceiving yourself. Or you go out, but you don’t know how to have a conversation beyond “What are you up to?” and “Have you eaten?”
For being broke
Blame yourself for every moment you’ve said, “I can’t kill myself” or “This life na one”, then gone ahead to splurge on something you didn’t need. The economy is tough, and your village people have nothing to do with that.
For the relationship that ended
You were emotionally and physically unavailable, and barely ever communicated. What did you think would happen? Now, you’re crying and blaming your village people who were even feeling bad for your partner.
For getting fired
You hardly ever did your work. As if that wasn’t enough, you now lied about being sick then posted pictures of yourself at a beach in Ghana. But no, your village people put evil thoughts in your manager’s head, and that’s why you got fired.
For not getting that visa
This isn’t yours or your villagers’ fault. The people at the embassy are just wicked.
For getting malaria
Your village people aren’t trying to kill you. Your blood type is just AA.
You’ve been having sex with a particular person who stays over at your house a lot. And you think it’s because they like you and like spending time with you. Well, we’re here to tell you they might actually be homeless and looking for a place to sleep without having to pay rent.
If they do these things, they’re definitely using you for accommodation.
They only call at night
You don’t hear from them throughout the day, not even a text or a funny Tiktok video sent your way. You text them, and they leave your message on delivered. Then at night, they call to say they were busy. Next thing, “Are you home?”
Because it’s time to sleep, and they need a home.
You’ve never been to their house
Anytime you ask about going over to their house, they make up excuses like they have a roommate or live with their parents. My dear, they have no house for them to invite you to because they’re homeless. Your home is their home.
They start coming over without asking
It gets to a point where they come over without informing you. To them, it’s basically “going home”. Before you know it, they’re asking for a key. Send that person back to the streets now!
The sex is mid
They don’t put in effort during sex because they don’t really like you. But sex is the only way you’ll allow them sleep over at your house, so they give you the best they can muster up.
They always have some type of bag
Even when they tell you they don’t plan to sleep over (big lie), they always come with a bag. If you ask what’s inside, they’ll say, “Random stuff”. But somehow, they always have toiletries and clothes to wear the next day.
They start to leave things behind
They’ll play it off as “Oh, I forgot”, till you see half of their clothes and underwear in your closet. They’ve moved in, my dear, and you guys aren’t even dating.
They’re around all the time
You see them even on nights you just want to be by yourself. No way the sex is good enough for them to be in your house Monday to Sunday.
Stew is on his way back home exhausted after long board meetings with tomato, pepper and onions. He can’t wait to get back to his wife, white rice, who decided to work from home today.
He gets home, unlocks the door, and the first thing he sees when he enters is his wife on the dining table with Egusi on top of her.
Stew: W—what’s going on?
White rice: Babe, it’s not what it looks like. I swear!
Stew: Of course, you’ll use the standard cheating line.
White rice: I’m not cheating, babe. It’s really not what it looks like.
*Egusi just sits there looking smug.*
Stew: I can’t- I can’t do this. *Stew storms out of the house and drives off*
White rice to Egusi: Why are you just sitting there? Why didn’t you tell him the truth?
Egusi: What truth? That I finally got the girl I wanted?
White rice: Are you mad?
Egusi: White rice, you know I’ve wanted you for a long time. And I always thought you deserved better than boring ass stew.
*White rice looks at Egusi like she wants to slap the hell out of him.*
Egusi: I don’t even understand why you’re upset. The way he reacted without giving you the chance to explain shows he clearly doesn’t trust you.
White rice: Anybody would react the same way after seeing someone on top of their partner.
Egusi: I wouldn’t have. And that’s why you should be with me?
White rice: Are you okay? Aren’t you dating eba?
Egusi: Forget about that. That’s not important.
White rice: Now. I see why pounded yam broke up with you. Mscheeew
*Egusi tries to hold White rice’s hand but she pulls it away*
Egusi: White rice, you and I are meant to be, and you know this. People outside say we’re a bad combination, but I disagree. We go perfectly together. Fuck what anybody else says.
*White rice looks at Egusi with irritation.*
White rice: You’re just saying rubbish. Please, leave my house.
Egusi: But we haven’t finished —
White rice: Get out!
It’s the middle of the night. White rice is sleeping in the living room when she hears a rustling of keys and realises it must be stew coming back home. She hopes to God he has calmed down.
Stew unlocks the door. When he walks in, it’s clear he’s been drinking palm oil, way too much of it.
White rice walks over to help him before he hurts himself. There goes the conversation she wanted to have with him tonight.
Stew: You hurt me *in a slurred voice*
White rice: I promise you I didn’t, baby. But we’ll talk about it tomorrow.
Stew: Tomorrow, I’m moving out.
*White rice drops him on the bed*
White rice: You’re not going anywhere in Jesus’ name. This was all a misunderstanding and we’ll sort it—
She hears some snoring and realises Stew is fast asleep.
She sighs and begins to take off his shoes and pants.
White rice is sitting up in bed using her phone when she hears Stew groan beside her.
White rice: Good morning, ba-
Stew: You’re texting Egusi, abi?
White rice: What? Okay, time to put all of this to an end. I need you to not say anything while I talk, okay?
*Stew rolls his eyes*
White rice: You know how this brand called Zikoko is always pushing the agenda that people should eat me and Egusi together?
Stew: Oh, I should answer? You said I shouldn’t talk na. Okay. Yes, I know.
White rice: So they reached out to me and asked if I’d take a picture with Egusi for one of their articles. They offered to pay a huge sum of money, and since we’re trying to japa, I agreed.
Stew: If so, why didn’t you take the picture side by side?
Egusi: Because they wanted to show that Egusi and I really belonged together. If we didn’t do it like that, they wouldn’t have paid. I can show you the email. I’m not lying, babe. And we weren’t even naked. I’d only been parboiled, and Egusi wasn’t completely done.
Stew stares into his wife’s eyes and sees she’s actually telling the truth.
Stew: I’m sorry I didn’t give you the chance to explain, babe.
White rice: I completely understand. You owe me extra meat for the stress sha.
Garri is too much of a versatile bad bitch for y’all to limit to eba. I’m sure it feels insulted. These are eight other recipes you can make with garri. Number four is my favourite.
Garri chocolate truffle
Before you say Zikoko has come again with their weird food recommendations, garri chocolate truffle is actually quite good. I wish I could buy it for you to prove my point but you can make it at home any day you have the chance. It’s not easy to make sha.
Garri salad
Garri salad is more interesting than your regular, basic tasting vegetable salad. Just add water to your garri to soften it, then pour over any salad mix, stir together and you’re good to go.
Instead of eating jollof rice on Sunday, eat jollof garri AKA Garri Fotor. I can almost promise there’s no difference… except the sardine. I know we have beef with Ghanaians, but we have to thank them for this recipe.
I don’t know how you’ll like akara but not know wainar rogo exists. These are biscuits made from fried eba, and they’re super crunchy and delicious. It’s like eating chicken nuggets. You can fry them plain or with beef and eggs.
Garri cake
Image credit: Naija foodie
After cheesecake, garri cake is the next best thing. It’s sweet, cheap and very easy to make. Instead of spending all your money on cake for your birthday, make yourself this.
Garrinola
Nigerians deserve to win awards for coming up with interesting recipes. Somebody really sat down and came up with garrinola? Genius. Add Ijebu garri granola, instead of the regular one, to your next parfait.
Garri smoothie
Image credit: Bollas Kitchen
You’re most likely thinking, “Why would I blend garri and make it into a smoothie?” The answer is, “Why not?” Instead of making that heavy bowl of eba, have a nice healthy cup of garri smoothie.
Garri cookies
Image credit: What to cook today
If you like oatmeal cookies, you’d love garri cookies; same texture and almost the same delicious taste. Next time you want to bake something, try these.
Welcome to my YouTube channel, where I tell people what to do and not do with food and drinks. Today, we shall be talking about our food resolutions for the year. If you don’t want us to fight, do all the things I‘ve listed below.
Kill chicken
At your big age, you don’t know how to hold a chicken to the ground and kill it? Come on now. You’re too big for this. This is a skill people add to their CVs, and you don’t have it? Do better this year.
Eat semo
Growing up means realising semo isn’t that bad, and people are just overdoing it with the slander. Give semo a try. I promise, you’ll see the light.
(This isn’t Dammy o. My account was hacked by Memi. Semo is trash.)
Attend more food events
Stop waiting for the end of the year to attend overcrowded food festivals. Many events happen throughout the year — BBQs, potlucks, yam and plantain festival, cocktails, etc. You just have to shine your eye and ears.
Eat Korean food
Are you not tired of going to that Chinese restaurant every single time you’re looking for where to eat? You want to say you’ve also been to Japanese restaurants. Good for you (even though all you ate was sushi and rice).
Make homemade pasta
Just realised this isn’t as hard as all those fancy chefs make it seem online. Apparently, you can even do this without some big-ass machine. I think everyone shoud make their own pasta at least once, just for the fun of it.
This agenda must agend because okra ice cream slaps. Remember the famous saying, “Don’t judge an ice cream by it’s name and ingredients.”
Have a cocktail competition
Gather your friends together and see who can make the best cocktail from basic ingredients. This is actually so much fun, and the fact that everyone will end up drunk is a bonus.
Go outside your comfort zone
This year, just be adventurous with food. Try meals from other tribes you’ve only ever heard about online, try a difficult recipe, eat that food you stopped liking many years ago, eat at a beer parlour, put pineapples in your burger and cheese in pancakes. Just don’t be basic.
Drink water
Because you people always forget to drink at least two litres a day and that’s not healthy. I need y’all alive and well to read Zikoko articles.
Ban fufu
Yes, semo is trash, but fufu is its oga. If you’re out here eating fufu, it means you can comfortably pick something from a toilet dustbin to eat.
Stop eating rice and tomato stew
We’re no longer in the days of our parents when the only thing they ate with white rice was either standard tomato stew or soup that was meant for swallow. There are way too many sauces out there for you to try with your rice. Don’t limit yourself.
Order something new at a restaurant
You order things like rice, burger, pasta, chicken and chips, and in your mind, you’ve gone to a restaurant to eat. Stop deceiving yourself. Open that menu, and order a meal with a name that’s hard to pronounce. Let’s start from there.
Men can never catch a break with women. It’s always one thing or the other with them.
“Don’t approach women at the gym.”
“Leave women alone once they say no.”
“Don’t comment on women’s bodies.”
And now, it’s “Men should stop trying to sleep with their female friends.”
Ugh. Should we just stop existing?
I don’t understand why women complain about finding male friends who don’t want to sleep with them. I don’t see the problem here. Because I’m your friend doesn’t mean I can’t find you attractive. Is it my fault you’re gorgeous?
Honestly, what do women want? You have men fawning over you and it’s a problem because they’re your friend? Isn’t this a way to eat your cake and have it? You have friends willing to sleep with you with no strings attached, and you’re complaining? And I know for sure that these women also want to sleep with said male friends but they’re doing shakara.
We guys think about having sex with a lot of women, so the fact that your friend is interested in you sexually, shouldn’t come as a surprise. We are men, and our higher testosterone levels make us think about and crave sex more than women. Sleeping with our female friends is a way for us to have sex with people we know, without any form of attachment.
Also, do you know how hard it is to not try to have sex with a woman we’re attracted to all in the name of “She’s my friend”? So I find you attractive, but because I don’t want to ruin our friendship, I shouldn’t make a move to sleep with you? Fuck that. At least let me attempt, and if you’re not interested, I’ll back off.
Women make sex a bigger deal than it is. If given the chance, I’d sleep with almost all my female friends (except the ones in relationships) because it’s just sex. It’s hard for men to have female friends and not want to sleep with them. We just try our best not to so you won’t get annoyed and end the friendship.
I need women to know it’s not that serious. Having sex with your male friends won’t ruin the relationship as long as you have rules and boundaries. It’s better than having sex with strangers.
Yours Truly,
A Nigerian man
16/1/2023
By the way, in case you didn’t notice and you want to fight me, this is a satirical article. I’m not a Nigerian man, abeg.
I love Nigerian women and I want the best for them. That’s why I’ve come to beg them to not carry some of these behaviours into 2023. It’s a new year; it’s time to do better. Please, don’t do any of these things from today henceforth.
Not knowing what to eat
This year, I need you people to please make life easier for people who care about you. How? By knowing what the hell you want to eat when you’re asked. No more “I don’t know”. Mention a meal, snack, fruit, human being, anything apart from “I don’t know”.
Terrible flirting skills
Staring at someone for five minutes, or liking two of their pictures on social media, won’t be accepted as flirting in 2023. Put. In. The. Work.
Eating pasta
I spent New Year’s Eve in church specifically praying that pasta releases the chokehold it has on Nigerian women. I want more for you and your palate. It’s enough. Time to move forward in life.
Being shy to say you have money
Nigerian women are rich. They’re the real ballers in this life, but they always like to deny it. My good sis, we know the weave you have on your head can pay somebody’s house rent. You can’t hide your wealth, so just own it with your full chest.
Being the planners and organisers
When women were created, they weren’t given the job description of “planner/organiser”. Let other people also plan and organise dates, weddings, parties, vacations, things needed in the house etc., while you relax and drink wine for a change.
Saying you don’t want food
…then eating the offerer’s own. You don’t always know you want what you’re being offered when they offer it, and that’s why you say no. But you should know by now that you’ll always end up wanting it, so just say yes instead of pinching from their food, FGS.
My queens, I beg you to choose comfort this 2023. Instead of carrying slippers up and down while staggering in uncomfortable heels, just wear the slippers from home. Your feet are crying, please.
Frontals with the lace showing
“What lace?” The one that’s showing right there, sis. I can see it all the way from here, and it’s not blending with your skin. Please, don’t bring it into 2023. It’s not by force to do frontal. Closure wigs and braids are also there.
Saying you’re emotionally fine when you’re not
If you’re angry, say you’re angry and stop cooking your anger in your chest. You’re only giving yourself a headache.
You’ve decided you want to go out to turn up. Good for you. But if you truly want to have a good time at whatever event you attend, don’t go out with any of these people because they’ll frustrate you one way or another.
Couples
Go out with a couple, and you’ll regret it. All they know how to do is annoying PDAs and to exchange saliva any chance they get. I invited you out for drinks not a dry hump.
Ambiverts
At least with introverts, you know they prefer to stay home. Ambiverts have on and off days, and sometimes, they don’t even know they don’t want to be out until they’re actually out. God help you if you’re out with an ambivert on a day they want to stay in. They’ll annoy you by constantly acting like they’re being punished. They won’t even try to have fun;, they’ll sit in a corner and press their phones. Meanwhile, they’re the ones who asked to go with you. Chisom, we just got here; stop asking if we can leave.
9-5ers
9-5ers are full-blown party animals. It’s like they channel all the stress from their work into energy for turn up. When you go out with them, you’ll be exhausted within one hour. If you’re out with bankers, architects or lawyers to be precise, just be ready to stay out till 5 a.m. They don’t know when to call it a night, even when they have work the following day.
Lightweights
They never know their alcohol limits, so they end up drinking to stupor and misbehaving. Instead of shaking your ass on the dance floor, you’ll be taking care of somebody else’s child in the toilet.
They’ll try to include you in one stressful lie or scheme so that they can be out. When they’re finally out, they’re paranoid about getting caught. Can’t even post them on your insta story in case one grand cousin’s sister’s daughter accidentally finds your page. Omo, Tunde, this isn’t what I signed up for. Then there are the ones with 9 p.m. curfews, who try to make you leave early too. You and who? Do I leave with your parents?
People who live far away
They always have to leave early because their house is far from civilisation. You sef should know better than to invite somebody from FESTAC out at night. If you want them to stay longer, you have to give them a place to sleep.
Gym buffs
Latest 7 p.m., they’re heading back home because they have to go to the gym the next morning. And while they’re out, they won’t eat or drink certain things because it’s not part of their diet. And they’ll judge you while you’re eating your shawarma and fries at 11 p.m. As if you’re on the diet with them.
Influencers
All they want to do is record videos of every single thing that’s happening, all in the name of content. Instead of properly partying, they’re shooting “Come turn up with me on a Friday night” vlogs. If you give them the chance, they’ll carry tripod to the club.
Zikoko staff
We’re not normal people. We’ll ask you to do weird things like mix vodka with jollof rice, then you’ll end up with diarrhoea at the club.
Moderator: Happy New Year and welcome to 2023! This year, we have a long list of people who want to make their case in front of the judge. For our first debate of the year at Zikoko HQ, Amala, Eba and Pounded Yam will go against each other for the title of “Best Swallow in Nigeria”. To make it more interesting, Semo will make a case for why they should be included as one of the top swallows.
As usual, there are two rounds. The three parties will present their arguments to the judges in the first round. They have two minutes each, so they have to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best swallow win.
Eba: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is Eba, and I’m here to assert the motion that I’m the best swallow in Nigeria. You see, I’m a staple food in every Nigerian home. When there’s nothing to eat, I’m there. And unlike Amala, I’m not limited to one soup.
Amala:
Eba: I’m the cheapest swallow, and I come in many variations — yellow, white and Ijebu garri — so people get to experience me differently. Oh, and let’s not forget I’m easy to make. I’m ready in five minutes, and you don’t have to use all the power in your body to turn or pound me.
(Eba walks back to their seat as Amala walks to the stage)
Amala:There is this constant debate about whether I’m trash or not. But the people who say I’m trash usually haven’t tried me yet.
Exhibit A
I may be tough to make, but trust me, I’m worth the wait.
Pounded yam: Are you flirting with the judge?
Amala: Shut up. What are you saying?
Like I was saying, I’m not a common commodity eaten by everybody, like eba and pounded yam. I’m a rare gem. I’m mostly seen at parties where people rush me. My dear audience, how many times do people ask for eba at parties? Are they even invited for parties? Exactly. I’m the most talked about swallow, and if I wasn’t the best, people wouldn’t be out there fighting for me.
(Amala walks back to their seat as pounded yam mounts the stage)
Pounded yam: Good morning, everyone. My name is pounded yam, and I’m THE best swallow in Nigeria. First of all, I’m the only sweet swallow; people can decide to eat me without soup, and I’ll still taste delicious. My skin is smooth, so unlike eba, I won’t get stuck in your throat. Swallows like semo and fufu tried to copy me but they didn’t turn out right, and that’s why many people don’t like them. I’m wanted both at home and at parties, and that’s why I’m the best.
Semo: I’m tired. I’m tired of the constant semo slander. Many years ago, people loved me. I was one of the top swallows in many households. Then the Gen-Zs and younger millennials came around and started tainting my name. Now, pounded yam has the audacity to tell me I’m trying to be like them. Me!
Amala: Ermmm. This isn’t supposed to be a movie monologue. It’s a debate. Get to your points.
Semo:
I need people to stop slandering me. Not only is it affecting my mental health, but also, everything bad being said about me comes from Gen-Zs. So clearly, there’s an agenda against me. How can you say I taste like ass when Fufu exists?
I look and taste good. If not, why did Brighto always cook me in the Big Brother Naija house that year? If I’m that bad, why are factories still producing me? Clearly, I’m wanted. It’s 2023, time to stop with the insults and grow up. I’m a good ass swallow (no pun intended), and I deserve to be added to the list of best swallows.
(Semo walks back to their seat, and the moderator returns to the stage)
Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now, it’s time to face one another. You have five minutes.
Amala: Pounded yam, how do you expect to be the best swallow when people have to suffer from body aches every time they pound you?
Pounded yam: If you had some sense, you’d know there are new methods that don’t involve pounding.
Eba: I don’t even know why this debate exists. I’m clearly the best. Do you know how many times I’m eaten in a week? Some people even eat me for breakfast and lunch.
Amala: Being cheap and available to be used by everybody doesn’t make you the best. It just means you’re low-quality.
Eba: Coming from the person who’s constantly called trash? Not the pot calling the kettle black.
Amala:
Semo: I don’t care about all these things you people are saying. I just want everyone to agree I deserve to be at the top just like all of you.
Amala: See this plagiarised pounded yam talking. Abeg, shift.
Semo:
Eba: Please, don’t make pounded yam feel important. *Looks at pounded yam* People barely eat you or talk about you. Sometimes, we even forget you exist. Even semo is more talked about than you. Even if it’s slander.
Semo:
Pounded yam: What is this one saying? You that tastes like sand. You’re only good for sticking things on the wall.
Amala: And you have a serious case of identity crisis because you can’t decide if you want to be yellow, white or Ijebu.
Eba: Are you mad?
Amala: And Pounded yam, you make people feel too heavy. That’s why they don’t like to eat you.
Pounded yam: People don’t like to eat you cause you’re black.
Amala: Wow! The colourism jumped out. Not that I expected better from a light-skinned person anyway.
Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break to give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner.
(One of the judges walks to the stage)
Judge: You all did well in your arguments. But a winner must be decided.
Judge: And the best swallow to exist in Nigeria is… Amala!
Every five minutes, a new restaurant or club opens in Lagos. It’s enough, abeg. How many food man wan chop? We need other options for places to go and things to do. So Lagos, please, give us these things in 2023.
Botanical gardens
Instead of yet another park that’ll be neglected, Lagos should give us a botanical garden. I don’t care where they want to get the money from, but they should do it. See, everyone who’s planning to open a restaurant or club this year should come together and combine their money to give us a big, beautiful botanic garden, like the one in Capetown.
Lagosians are always angry and transferring aggression because we have no way of releasing the anger. Give us one or two rage rooms where we can vent and maybe everyone would be a little bit happier.
Lagos is too populated for there to be just two proper arcades. It’s not every time people want to eat fancy tasteless food. Sometimes, they want to play Pac-Man or Whac-a-Mole, but they can’t, because there’s no arcade nearby.
Instead of making us pay to sit down, it’ll be better for Lagos beach owners to carry guns and rob us directly. We need new beaches in Lagos that don’t charge us for every little thing and have more to offer than expensive alcohol and overpriced food.
The good amusement park we have in Lagos is situated in Ibeju-Lekki, practically Ogun state if we’re being honest. And it doesn’t have a lot of interesting rides that make your heart enter your mouth. We deserve a proper amusement park where people can go and play like children, scream and release adrenaline. And please, let it not have some outrageous fee.
We need more VR places in Lagos. Partying and drinking aren’t the only escapes from reality. People would pay good money to temporarily escape the constraints of the real world to a world where nothing is impossible. Lagos, please, do better.
A selfie museum is a picture lover (and influencer)’s dream. A place with perfect lighting, backdrops, themed sections, props, etc., where people can take perfect pictures and videos. Content creators will finish their money in this place, and others will go just for the fun of taking nice photos. We need one in Lagos ASAP.
The only problem is Nigerians may not go to a bungee jumping spot in Lagos because they’ll use cheap ropes that’ll cut and kill them. But it’s a euphoria-inducing type of fun, and Lagos people love anything that can make them feel “high”.
In this big Lagos, how do we not have a Zoo? I’m not talking about all those mini zoos with starving animals. Imagine a big ass one with a variety of animals, an aquarium, a park for picnics, play areas, gift shops, etc. We deserve better than a conservation centre with five monkeys.
Yeah, it’s great to have New Year’s resolutions. But if you don’t have money, stay away from these particular ones. Simple.
A skincare routine
Your salary is ₦200k and your New Year’s resolution is to build a skincare routine? LOL. A good cleanser and moisturiser combo is at least ₦15k, and I’ve not even mentioned serum, sunscreen, face masks, etc. The worst part is these things come in tiny containers that don’t last more than two weeks. Just be ready to remove at least ₦50-100k from your account every month.
Move out of your parents’ house
Do you think people are moving back to their parents’ house because they miss their parents? Ask your friends who have moved out how they’re doing.
Become more fashionable
Even if you say you’ll enter market and buy clothes, those ones too have started charging the same price as Instagram vendors. My good sis, just manage the clothes you have in your wardrobe for now.
Go out more
If you’ve not figured out that outside is expensive, I don’t know what to tell you. The moment you step outside your house, the mighty spirit of billing will be waiting for you. If you plan to go out more this year, find a sponsor (AKA become a sugar baby).
Fall in love
If nobody told you, as someone who’s currently going through it, if you don’t have money, don’t enter a relationship. Are you ready to buy random “I love you” gifts, anniversary gifts, food, “Thinking about you” gifts, etc.? Davido knew what he was saying when he said, “When money enter, love is sweeter.”
Okay, I get it, you want to eat healthier this year. But do you know how expensive fruits and vegetables are? I bought one apple for ₦200 the other day, and I almost cried. If it’s a protein diet you want, sorry to you. Egg is now ₦100. Imagine how much chicken would be?
Japa
Even if you get a scholarship for tution, do you have the money to actually leave the country to attend the school? Flight is nothing less than ₦800k, and visa application fees are about ₦300k. Do I need to go on? But what Nigeria cannot do doesn’t exist, so it’ll probably still frustrate you into finding a way to leave.
Go to the gym
Gyms these days are coming up with new ways to collect money from people every chance they get. Either they’re increasing subscription fees or making up new ones out of nowhere. Just work out in your house.
You said “fuck the gym” because you wanted to do detty December. Now, the holiday is over and you have to face your demons AKA all the calories you gained in just two weeks.
If you’re resuming the fitness lifestyle after being away for a while, you can relate to these struggles.
Locating the gym
There’s a high chance you won’t remember where your gym is. You can’t even text your fitness trainer because you deleted their number from your phone when they were sending you reminders to come to the gym during the holidays.
Soreness
The body pain you’ll feel after your first day back at the gym, ehn? For every part of the body you move, you’ll feel pain. Is this gym even worth it sef?
Remembering how to do the exercises
Your trainer will tell you to do a side jack knife, and your head will start to hurt. Is that a real exercise or not? What the hell are cable chops? Let’s not even go into how your form will be completely shit for the first two days.
Dieting
You’ve gotten used to eating whatever you want at whatever time you like, and now, your trainer tells you to go back to the life of eating vegetables, intermittent fasting and staying away from alcohol. How are you supposed to do that?
You that they used to call “Treadmill Usain Bolt”. Two weeks away from the gym and you can’t even run at speed eight for ten minutes straight without panting like a dog in heat.
Making it to the gym
You broke your daily routine of getting dressed and going to the gym. Now every day for the next two weeks, you’llspend a good 30 minutes convincing yourself why fitness is worth it. Your mates that aren’t going to the gym, did they die?
Tears
After drinking, eating and sleeping the entire holiday, you expect to have added weight (If you’re one of those people who can eat without adding weight, please leave this place, mscheeew). But even with the expectation, you’ll still shed a few tears when you see the number on the scale. Now, you regret eating that plate of jollof rice at 2 a.m. Also, you’ll cry out of frustration because the weight won’t go in one day.
We’re tired of hearing that you’re single to stupor. That’s why we’ve come up with tips to help you avoid commenting, “God, when?” under people’s couple posts in 2023. Here’s how to get into a relationship in 2023.
Ask your parents to set you up
If there’s one thing you should know, it’s that Nigerian parents know people of all ages and genders. And because they want grandchildren, they’ll be very happy to set you up with a potential partner. They’re already doing it behind your back anyway, so just give them the official go-ahead.
Go outside oooo
I beg you in the name of everything you love, go out next year. Throughout 2022, you stayed in your house and remained single because your soulmate didn’t come knocking at your door. In 2023, leave your house. Even if it’s just to walk down your street.
Try speed dating
I think speed dating is one of the best ways to find your soulmate. First of all, you’ll go on multiple dates in one day and setting, which is less stressful. Secondly, If you don’t feel the spark potential soulmates should feel in five minutes then the person isn’t meant for you. On to the next one.
Hang a sign outside your house
Just like how people hang signs for work vacancies. Yours should say, “Serious relationship wanted”, with a list of criteria. Let people know how serious you are.
Enter other people’s relationships
At least you’ll be entering a relationship. Just not yours.
Steal someone’s partner
Maybe your soulmate is currently dating somebody else. Steal people’s partners until you find the one meant for you.
Be wicked
From conversations I’ve read on Twitter TL, it looks like people love wickedness. That’s the only thing that explains why people are still falling in love with Igbo women and Yoruba men. Stop trying to be their peace and start showing them pepper, and they’ll commit to you.
Post your pictures
How do you expect anyone to ask you out when the last time you posted a picture of yourself was in 2015? We’re in 2023 please, people aren’t going to enter your DMs because the memes you post are funny. Do better.
Be interesting to talk to
Stop all that “wyd”, “lol”, and “have you eaten” nonsense. You’re a grown adult, learn how to have proper conversations. If not people will keep blocking you and you’ll keep wondering why God doesn’t like you. Meanwhile, you’re the architect of your own problem.
I’m writing this letter on behalf of all Nigerians. I’m not here to ask for an iPad or a car — although if you could give me those, that’d be great (especially the car because I’m tired of entering danfo bus). No, this is to ask you for a better Nigeria.
Honestly, Santa, I have beef with you. How do you have the power to give people whatever they want (as long as they’ve been good), and you haven’t given me the better Nigeria I’ve been asking for? I’ve been a good girl for so long: I’ve stopped stealing meat from the pot in the middle of the night, I now do chores without complaining, I share with the less privileges (AKA my siblings)…yet you keep giving me coal. Meanwhile, our wicked Nigerian leaders keep getting new cars, houses, vacations, etc. Is it fair? Whose side are you on?
I’ve come to ask again. And I need you to come through for me and other Nigerians now more than ever. 2022 has been one hell of a tough one for us. ASUU had an eight-month strike, holding the students’ lives hostage. Some even forgot about school and started businesses. This is the year the national grid collapsed more times than people at a Michael Jackson concert. Electricity supply was scarce, and it affected business and other aspects of people’s daily lives. And on top of that, fuel scarcity had us in a chokehold every other week.
Then there was the crazy inflation. Food prices seemed to double every week. Santa, Double Chickwizz is now ₦1,500 (it was ₦1k at the start of 2022), can you believe that? One pack of Indomie is ₦140 (was ₦70), evaporated milk is ₦600 (was ₦300), yam is ₦2000 (was ₦800), and the worst of it all, one egg is ₦100 (was ₦50). Do you see how we’re suffering?
Also, insecurity is at its peak, people are either getting laid off or owed salaries for months, the naira keeps devaluing, SARS still exists, and nobody has answered for the Lekki tollgate massacre of 2020.
If you’re wondering what our leaders are doing about these things, they’re out there being actors, influencers, travel bloggers, content creators, dancers and jokers, coming up with policies that’ll make the lives of Nigerians even more difficult. And that’s why I’ve come to you for help, Santa. Can a new Nigeria be your collective gift to all Nigerians this Christmas? We’ve seen enough shege abeg.
You’re thinking of going home to your family for the Christmas holiday. Wait first, there are pros and cons to this. Read on to find out.
Pro: You won’t pay any bills
For a few weeks, you won’t pay light bills or buy fuel or groceries. You’ll have all the freedom to put on all the lights and ACs, and finish all the food. Because it’s not your money that’ll be wasted.
Con: You’ll spend money to get there
Are you seeing the cost of flights now? If you plan to go home, be ready to spend your entire December budget on ticket money.
Pro: Plenty of food
Families like to cook up a feast during Christmas. You’ll get to eat everything you’ll never cook in your house — exotic fried rice, turkey, party jollof, pepper soup, etc.
Con: You may be the one to cook it
You think just because you don’t live with your family anymore, they’ll treat you as a guest when you come? You think they’ll enter the kitchen, and you’ll be in the living room watching TV and pressing phone? Just get ready to cut onions.
Pro: Family drama
It simply isn’t possible for family to be gathered in one place, and there won’t be drama. Even if nothing happens, you’ll hear stories of all the chaotic things different family members have been involved in. That’s how you’ll find out that Uncle Jude recently got a BBL for himself and his side chick.
Con: You’ll be asked a lot of questions
You should already know to expect certain questions. Especially if you’re single. Get ready to be asked about work, your love life, tattoos and piercings, religion, etc.
Pro: You’ll bond with your family
You’ll get to spend quality time with the people you love but haven’t seen in a long time. You’ll get to catch up, laugh, play games, watch movies, and do other fun things together.
Con: They’ll control your outings
You’ll get dressed for a concert at 11 p.m., and your family members will begin to preach to you about going out at such an “ungodly” hour. They’ll talk and nag until they wear you down, and you decide to stay home.
Pro: You can ask for money
All your rich uncles and aunties will be around during the holidays. Bill them. Ask them to pay for your next rent, and maybe, your detty December outings.
Con: You’ll be billed
You’re also someone’s rich relative, and so, you shall be billed accordingly. Your “baby” cousin will remember their phone has spoilt or they want money for Uber to their friend’s house.
Christmas is ten days away, but it doesn’t feel that way to you because you haven’t started preparing yet. Lucky for you, we have a checklist of what to do to bring Christmas cheer into your life.
Delete your work messaging apps
Get work off your mind by deleting your email and every other work messaging app your office uses — Slack, Microsoft Teams, Google Chat, etc. Block your colleagues, too, in case they try to text you anything work-related. This is the first step to getting into the holiday mood.
Visit that Zenith Bank roundabout
Image credit: Punch Ng
Visit the beautifully decorated Zenith Bank roundabout or any public place with over-the-top Christmas decorations. Come down from the car and enter if you can. If anybody tries to stop you, fight them.
Listen to Christmas carols
Play different Christmas carols out loud every chance you get. And sing along as loud as possible, to annoy everyone around you. You’ll soon begin to feel Christmasy.
Go and buy your Christmas cloth
Maybe if you buy the outfit(s) you want to wear this holiday, you’ll start to anticipate wearing them, and that will get you excited for the holidays.
Decorate your house
A tiny Christmas tree, Christmas lights and small ornaments around the house may be just what you need to get into the spirit of the holiday. If you don’t have money to buy even those, steal from your neighbour.
Visit family
Laughing, gisting, eating and generally spending time with family or friends during Christmas has a way of making you forget everything else but the holidays. If you’re alone, it would be much harder to get into the festive mood.
Attend a children’s Christmas play
Image credit: Greensprings school
Something about seeing little kids act out the nativity story just puts everyone in the Chritsmas mood. Maybe it’s the childish costumes, their babyish voices singing carols or amateur acting on stage. It’s so cute.
Watch cheesy Christmas movies
If nothing else gets you in the mood, I promise you, a cliché Christmas movie would do the trick. Especially the ones where a rich girl has to go back to her small hometown and falls in love with some poor guy right before Christmas.
Go out and detty December
Go for concerts, parties, brunches, game nights, etc. All you need is one lit event, and you’ll begin enjoying the holiday. Remember that outside is expensive sha.
Workplaces just love doing Secret Santa to celebrate Christmas. But I’m one of the people who think the tradition should end, and here’s why.
No money
Are you seeing what’s happening to the Nigerian economy? Inflation has made everything expensive. I don’t even have money to buy myself Christmas clothes, not to talk of gifts for people who add stress to my life.
You don’t know these people like that
I’m sure not everybody in an office knows each other on a personal level. And Secret Santa is so random you may end up picking someone you only talk to when you need a document. So you have to spend money you don’t have on someone you barely know? Yeah, no.
Our salaries aren’t the same
Some people earn higher than others. What if my secret Santa gets me a car, and they get a notepad as their own gift because that’s what their secret Santa could afford? This kind of embarrassment can be avoided by scrapping the entire thing.
What about your family?
What if your bank account can’t handle too many expenses? It means your loved ones won’t get any gifts because you had to do compulsory secret Santa at work.
Not all co-workers deserve gifts
Imagine you’re the secret Santa of a colleague you don’t like. Especially the one who’s very quick to snitch on you to your boss. You’re supposed to buy them a gift? Just get them Sellotape so they can tape their mouths shut instead of snitching.
It’s easy to get an inappropriate gift
Getting gifts for a colleague is always tricky. What if you get someone a body spray, and they see it as inappropriate? It’s just best to avoid all of it.
Again, no money
Had to repeat this to emphasise that there’s actually no money! Even a simple T-shirt is expensive.
Between the fuel scarcity and Bolt charging us the price of an organ for a ride, transportation costs have increased. What do you mean by VI to Lekki Phase 1 is ₦3k? If you’re not careful, you’ll spend your entire Detty December budget on transportation alone.
Here are eight other ways to move around.
Collect broom from the association of witches
For years and years, witches have had their own mode of transportation, and it has been working for them. They jejely use their brooms to fly and get to places. This December, find a witch and ask if they have an extra broom you can borrow. Not sure how much it costs to maintain a witch’s broom sha.
Choose ferries
There are quite a few ferry terminals in Lagos. Ferries are cheaper and faster because they avoid all the nonsense Lagos traffic. The only thing is they only operate at specific hours and locations with water access.
Beg Otedola for his private jet
Or any celebrity with a private jet. Ask to follow them when they’re going out, and maybe they’ll drop you off somewhere close to your destination. You’ll just have to use a parachute to get down.
Order a dispatch bike and be the package
Imagine paying ₦2k from Ajah to Ikoyi. You can only get that price when you use a dispatch service. This December, find a dispatch service and order a ride to your destination. When the rider arrives, tell them you’re the package, and they need to find somewhere to squeeze you.
Carpool
If your friend owns a car, find a way to carpool as much as possible. Even if they can’t drop you at your exact location, they’ll sha drop you somewhere close.
Ask an IJGB to pay
These people earn in foreign currency. ₦10k on Uber won’t affect their bank accounts. Spend their money!
Take danfo buses
People don’t like danfos for many reasons. But the truth is, they’re cheap. Is there a chance your outfit will be ruined on the bus? Yes. Will heat almost kill you from all the people squeezed into the bus? Yes. But you’ll only spend a fraction of the average December cab fares.
Stay at home
At the end of the day, your best bet is to do your detty December at home. Choose peace and a full bank account this holiday.
It’s okay to brag about achievements, money, outfits, skills, etc. But there are some things you shouldn’t brag about because it’s not the flex you think it is.
Here are 11 things people brag about that they shouldn’t.
They’re blunt
People will insult you and say, “I’m just blunt”. Uh no. You’re rude and disrespectful; there’s a difference. Another way they put it is, “I have no filter.” Girl, please.
How toxic they are
“I can be very toxic. I meet people and ghost them…” Why are you bragging about your bad personality trait, please? You need to get therapy.
Students failing your class
Everyone had at least one of these teachers in their university. They’d brag about how hard their class is and how people hardly ever pass, and they’d be so proud. Sir, if people are always failing your class, doesn’t that mean you’re a bad teacher? You should be fired.
How crazy they can be
Nigerians always like to brag about how crazy they are or can be. “Don’t try me. I’m a mad person”. I understand Nigeria is a mad place, and you need to have small madness to survive here. But must you brag about it?
How much they’ve suffered
You complain that you’re going through something, and this person feels the need to tell you they’ve been through worse. They always have stories of how much they’ve suffered. Nobody has suffered more than them in this life.
I’m a flirt
Okay, thanks for telling me not to date you.
Not caring what others think
It’s good to not live your life based on the opinions of others. But if you constantly have to tell people you don’t care what other people think, you lowkey do care.
How much they can drink
The fact that you can drink a lot of alcohol and not get drunk isn’t a flex. You’re destroying your liver. Fix up.
How hard they work
“I work for 22 hours straight and only get one hour of sleep.” This isn’t healthy in any way. It can lead to illness or even death. And when you die from exhaustion, everyone and everything will move on. Please, rest, dear.
How nice they are
If you have to mention it, it’s not true.
How they turned out just fine despite their toxic experiences
“My father used to beat me and lock me in the closet without food and water for days. But I turned out fine.” First of all, abuse is definitely not something to brag about. Secondly, no, you didn’t turn out just fine. You have lot of psychological issues, you just don’t know it yet.
Whenever people jam to a song, they say things like, “Omooo, *insert artist* put crack in this song!” This basically means the song is so good and addictive they want to keep going back for more.
But how do you identify a song that has crack in it? Let me tell you:
If you play it 100 times in a row
Once it becomes the only song you play for 30 minutes straight, it definitely has crack in it, cause you’re addicted. How else do you want to explain playing a song over 100 times and not getting sick of it?
If you learn the lyrics after just one listen
The crack in the music is what will make you learn the lyrics so damn fast and scream them at the top of your voice.
When you hear THAT producer’s tagline
The moment you hear a certain producer’s tagline at the beginning of the song, you already know the song has crack. You know the producer I’m talking about.
When you hear, “She tell me say”
There’s something addictive about this line, and that’s why Wizkid says it so much. Whenever you hear the line, you know the song will bang. It’s Wizzy’s way of putting crack in the song.
When you make other people listen, and they instantly love it
Most times when you force other people to listen to your music, they’ll look at you with disgust and ask, “What nonsense are you playing?” But if you play a song, and they say, “Brooo, this is a jammm!” then the song has crack.
When you’re willing to sell your kidney to hear the artist perform it live
Only people who do crack will sell their properties to have more of it. That’s why you’d gladly sell your kidney to listen to the artist perform the song, because it has crack in it.
When you request for it any chance you get
Whether it’s at a party, funeral, friend’s house or car ride, you always request for the song to be played. You won’t allow anybody to rest until they play the song.
If Burna boy sang it
Did I lie?
If it’s from the trenches
Nobody can tell me anything. Trenches music definitely has crack in it. That’s why you see people pulling off their wigs and shoes to misbehave dance to it.
Capitalism has had all of us in a chokehold for decades, but in 2022, it was finally ready to kill us. Or is it just me? This year was one hell of a stressful year in terms of work, and I’m glad we survived it.
If we were to do a capitalism version of Spotify wrapped, this is what your work year most likely looked like.
Let’s break down the metrics:
You fake called in sick 700 times
Only you has had cancer, laringitis, HPV, tuberculosis, flu, migraines and morning sickness all in one year. My prayer for you is that you don’t get any of these sicknesses in real life.
You spent 618,000 minutes engaging in office gossip
No office gist passed you by this year. It’s you who knew the real reason Emeka got fired and that Awele used client money to buy wig. If only you were this invested in your work.
You ignored your colleagues on Slack 435 times
This year, you became best in airing. Anytime someone mentioned you or sent an email, you ignored them with your full chest.
You spent 870,000 minutes crying in the bathroom
Work really showed you shege this year because you cried your eyes out. All those times work wanted to choke you, when your boss forgot you’re a human being with one head and two hands just like them, you’d run to your special bathroom stall and shed tears of frustration.
You registered for four professional courses and took none
You told yourself you wanted to advance in your career, so you decided to register for professional courses related to your field. This was in February. End of the year has come, and you’ve not started one lesson. Career advancement in the mud; we try again next year.
Your top moment was when they told everyone to work from home
That one special day Nigeria was being Nigeria through fuel scarcity, your boss told everyone to avoid the awful traffic and work from home. You got an extra hour of sleep that day. How magical.
You spent 50,000 minutes thinking about your work crush
Instead of focusing on your work, you were busy breaking office rules and flirting with your office crush. That’s how you ended up doing work that doesn’t concern you. Later, you’ll say it’s your village people that stopped you from moving forward in life.
You wanted to cuss out your boss 32,000 times
Too many times this year have you wanted to cuss out your boss in very colourful language. But you had to bite your tongue instead of biting the fingers that fed you.
You threatened to quit your job 600 times
At every inconvenience or stress, your go-to line was, “Abeg, I’m tired. I’m not doing again. I quit”, until you remembered that outside is expensive and job hunting is a bitch in this country.
To be taken for granted in a relationship is one of the shittiest things ever. People who do that to their partners deserve running stomachs in standstill traffic.
The worst part is most people don’t know they’re being taken for granted until they’ve gotten to their breaking point. Then they’re like, “Wait. Shey this person dey whine me ni? I don’t deserve this rubbish.”
To avoid getting to this point, here are some of the signs you should watch out for.
They’re ungrateful
Common ”thank you” never comes out of their mouths when you do favours or sacrifice things for them. They don’t even realise you’ve done something important, and that’s the beginning of the problem. If they don’t acknowledge you for the great partner you are, that’s a red flag.
They barely communicate with you
The fact that they don’t think you’re important enough to talk to consistently shows they’re definitely taking you for granted.
They don’t give a shit about anything you do
They have no interest in participating in your life. They don’t try to do the things you love or share in moments that are important to you. Even something as simple as your office gossip, they’re not interested.
They don’t spend time with you
They’re always doing their own thing and hardly ever find quality time for you. When you try to create time to spend together, they come up with silly excuses like “I’m busy” or “I’m tired”. Busy kill you there.
They refuse to compromise
It’s always about them. They’re set in their ways and are never willing to compromise on issues, big or small. This shows you’re not an important factor to them.
They don’t include you in their plans
You wake up one morning to find out your partner got a new job. Ahn ahn, from where to where? When did they apply? When did they go for the interview? You don’t have this information because they didn’t think of you as important enough to tell it to.
Now that you know, what do you do?
Talk to them
Try to speak with your partner about it. Open your mouth and tell them everything from A-Z. Let them know how serious it is. If you’re dating a sensible person, they’d be willing to listen.
Set boundaries
If they’re willing to change, set rules and boundaries for the relationship. Set specific days for quality time, agree to try out each other’s hobbies once a month, etc.
Do your own back
If they persist in not making time for you, including you in plans or communicating, do the same to them. Let them know what it feels like. Maybe they’ll sit up. First to do no dey pain o.
Cheat
I’m just joking, please. Don’t let me be the end of your relationship.
End the relationship
They’re not willing to change, so what are you still doing there? End the relationship, please. There’s no time for nonsense.
