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The streets are crazy, so if you’re getting to know someone romantically, here are a couple rules you might want to follow.
The do’s
“Remember, you’re not exclusive.” – Martins
You and your partner in talking might like each other a lot, but you need to remember that you’re still in the talking stage; nothing is set in stone, and you’re just getting to know each other. This means you can talk to as many people as you want.
“Get to know each other.” – Obiageli
The entire point of a talking stage is to learn more about each other, so actually do that. Talk to each other about the simple things — your likes, dislikes, hobbies — anything that won’t have them wondering how you haven’t spoken to a therapist or been declared clinically insane.
“Remember that you can always run.” – Mariam
If they’re unkind, homophobic, misogynistic, or just don’t have the same values as you do, pack your bag and run. It’s the talking stage, not prison.
READ: Z!’s Guide for Living Today
“Remind them to give you space when you need it.” – Rhema
It’s the talking stage, which means you need to spend some time with this person and get to know them. However, that doesn’t mean they can call you out of the blue whenever they want or demand things from you. They need to know if you have boundaries you do not want to be crossed.
“Meet up” – Angel
It might be tempting to spend half your time talking over the phone, but at some point, you’ll have to put the phone down and meet in person. This way, you know if they’re actually your type, and they match your vibe.
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The don’ts
“Your family and friends don’t need to know them.” – Damian
Sure, you can tell the people in your life about this person you’re talking to, but why would you want to formally introduce the person you’re in a talking stage with to the people that have known you for years? What title would you even introduce your talking stage with?
“Don’t go second base.” – Somto
A little peck here and there is cute, but no heavy over-the-clothes petting and no sex. It might cloud your judgement and have you feeling things you shouldn’t.
“Don’t do pet names or nicknames.” – Damian
If you can’t formally introduce them to anyone in your life, why should they give you nicknames and call you “baby” or “sweetheart” outside? If people ask why they’re being all sweet on you, what would you say?
“Don’t force shit.” – Rue
Don’t act out of character or do things you think they’ll like so they’ll make the relationship exclusive, and you can become a boyfriend or girlfriend.
“Don’t be touchy.” – Ij
Everybody should keep their hands to themselves. You don’t need to hold someone’s waist or touch their shoulder just because they’re getting to know you. That’s not how things work.
ALSO READ: QUIZ: This Nollywood Quiz Knows What Type of Lover You Are
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Your partner might stain your white at some point in your relationship, but while some white-staining moments are bad, some will have you crawling on the ground, begging for shelter from the humiliation your partner has dumped on your head. Believe it or not, these are some of the most embarrassing things your partner can do to you and your relationship.
Beg their side piece
It’s one thing to beg the person they’re cheating on you with. It’s another thing for them to wear strawberry pajamas, get on their knees, and beg for God knows what on camera.
Crop you out of a picture
It’s one thing for your partner to dislike public displays of affection. It’s another for you to post a picture with them, gushing about all the butterflies they put in your belly, only for them to turn around and post the same picture, without you.
READ: What To Do When Your Partner Is Determined To Stain Your White
Take you outside with a balaclava on
If the supposed love of your life needs you to look like an upcoming armed robber before they can take you out in public, they aren’t the one for you. As a matter of fact, they’re your opp.
Get curved when they try to cheat
We’re not saying creating is good. All we’re saying is that if your partner tries to get with someone else and the person tells them to hug a transformer, both you and your baby should be embarrassed, and you need to dump their ass swiftly.
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Owe someone money
We’re not saying it’s a good thing to do, but even the Nigerian government owes people. If your partner is a chronic onigbese all you can do is bow your head in shame and follow these tips.
Wash your dirty linen in public
Some people don’t know how to keep their mouths shut and keep information to themselves. If your partner is like this, chances are when you get in a fight, they’ll run to the internet and spill all your secrets to whoever cares to listen.
Take back things they’ve bought you after a breakup
If your
partnerex asks for everything they ever bought for you just because you get into a fight or end things, then they should be ashamed and embarrassed, not you.ALSO READ: 8 Signs Your Partner Might Stain Your White in Public
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Your wedding is a very special day in your life and the people you surround yourself with on that day and the days leading to it are very important. When choosing your bridal train, you’ll need planners, jokesters, and everything in between to make sure your day goes smoothly. Here are the types of people you’ll need as you walk down the aisle.
The bestie
They probably know you better than you know yourself and would ensure you have everything you need, when needed throughout the day.
The laid-back one
People are going to try you on your special day. Someone will try and rush you while you get read, a vendor might act like there’s bomb in their head, and a million other things might try and stress you, which is why you need someone on your bridal train that is laid back and chill, so they can remind you to breathe and pass that stress to the planner or fighter in the group.
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The planner
They know what’s supposed to happen, when, and how it’s supposed to happen. They’ll most likely spend half their time dealing with annoying vendors or the actual wedding planner and making sure your special day goes on without a hitch.
READ: Zikoko’s Favourite Nigerian Celebrity Weddings of All Time
The fighter
While the planner would have a more diplomatic method of handling any issues that may arise on your big day, the fighter won’t. They’ll most likely stand guard beside you through the day and stare daggers into anyone that tries to upset you through the day.
The party animal
You’ll need someone who knows how to have the time of their life so you can remember to have fun on your special day.
The wannabe photographer
You’ve hired a photographer and a videographer, but this bridesmaid would still pull out their phone to record every move you make throughout the day.
The comedian
This person fancies themselves a comedian, so if things get a little tense, you can always trust them to lighten the mood with a joke or two.
ALSO READ: What Really Happens at a Nigerian Bachelorette Party
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Nollywood and Oliver Twist might as well be the same person because they never know when to stop. Whenever we get a movie or series the general public likes, they return in 10 years or two with a sequel or a prequel.
It’s been five years since Oloture – the story of a journalist who went to look for what wasn’t missing and ended up in the hands of murderous human traffickers – came out. The movie ended with a weird cliffhanger, so EbonyLife decided to give us a sequel. I’ve watched it, and naturally, I have questions.
Does Netflix pay more for series?
I just want an explanation for why I sat down to watch a 3-episode limited series that ended up being an hour and 45 minutes long (yes, I did the maths) and ended with a ridiculous cliffhanger. They could have just given us a film so we know what we’re actually signing up for.
Who pissed off continuity?
Someone on the production team has to come out and say what they did to continuity this season because the lack of fucks given is shocking.
Oloture has on a new and not-so-improved wig. Beauty somehow took down her cornrows and cut her hair on her run from the Benin border into Lagos. They must have swapped buses because the girls who entered the Benin Republic are not the same girls who left Nigeria. Something must have happened to the continuity team. This is too much.
Where did Sandra disappear to after one day?
One minute, Sandra was running the hostel with an iron fist; the next, she had disappeared from Lagos and put her sister in charge of her affairs. Either something was pursuing her, or she was pursuing something; we want to know where she disappeared and how.
I know it’s hot in Nigeria, but why was Chuks always shirtless?
It’s hot AF in Nigeria, and Chuks was having money issues. Still, if he had enough funds to fuel his car and buy the food that gave him the energy to disturb all the women in his area, he had enough to buy a shirt, even if it was okrika.
When did Beauty’s mother move?
One day, Beauty’s mother lives on a desolate, dry land. Two days later, Beauty returns to the house, and everywhere is filled with vegetation and fertile soil. It’s either the people that were sent to kill her mother are Grade A gardeners, or someone just called us foolish.
How did Chuks kill Ade so easily?
Yes, I know he used a knife, but did you see how Mr. I-can-send-an-army-of-men-to-shoot-up-your-coaster-bus walked into the scene? He looked like someone with serious money and power, only for Chuks, the pimp, to take him down that easily? Where were his bodyguards? How didn’t he hear Chuks’ heavy boots walking so closely behind him? I need answers!
READ: Gidigbo Central: The Best Nollywood Fight Scenes
Why did Beauty agree to go to Europe again?
She said she was doing it for her sister, but why? Her sister’s dead, and so is her mother; the people who killed both of them are in Lagos, Nigeria. What is she going to Europe to look for?
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Why is Oloture so foolish and naive?
In the history of foolish characters doing foolish things, I fear Oloture might take the cake. She kept her secret hidden from Lagos to Libya, but she meets a fine man named Femi, and that’s who she thinks she can trust?! Not Peju, not Ben or even Victor, but a strange man in a strange land? She should clap for herself.
Will they ever get to Europe?
At first, it was cute, but now I’m getting upset. Oloture better teleport to Europe, remain in one of those African countries, or return to Nigeria before the next season. She’s a danger to herself and her travel companions, and if she makes one more foolish mistake, I will take matters into my own hands and fight her.
ALSO READ: QUIZ: Can You Guess the Nollywood Movie From Its Cast?
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Your pre-wedding/engagement pictures are the first glimpse people get of you and your baby as two individuals who have decided to become one. We know how important it is, so here are some inspirations for you.
The one that’ll make everyone blush
Image credit: legalafro via X How would everyone know you and your boo go together like rice and stew, beans and garri, noodles and bread, if you don’t get up close and personal in your pre-wedding pictures? Show this picture to your photographer and make sure you and your lover’s chemistry jumps out for all to see
The reflection
Image credit: makulapictures via X After all the time you’ve spent with your baby, you most likely move like twins. This picture would show everyone that you and your baby are one, and if they see the LOYL, they’ve seen you.
Aura for aura
Image credit: queenbenex via X If you’re sure beyond all reasonable doubt that you and your partner are the coolest people on earth, this is for you. You’d freeze your steeze in time so all the generations after you can bear witness.
Royalty
Image credit: theadenike_ via X Your baby is the ruler of your heart, and it’s only fair that everyone sees it.
You and I
Image credit: thepelummy via X It’s you and the LOYL forever, and there’s no better way to show it than with this picture.
Adore
Image credit: badgirlmo via X What better way to show the world that your lover worships the ground you walk on than this picture with them looking at you like you hung the stars and the moon?
In the rain and the sun
Image credit: gbenemene_eedee via X No matter what life throws at you, it’s you and your baby, and you’ll stand with each other forever.
You make me happy
Image credit: emirkofi via X Your partner brings joy into your life, and what better way to show it than with a picture of you all smiles?
No face, no case
Image credit: itstopsss via X If you don’t want to show everyone and their daddy your baby’s face, then this is the one for you.
Silhouettes
Image credit: wumituase via X You and your baby can look at each other, at the ring, or even at the sunset. You and the samosa in your small chops pack can do anything as long as your photographer knows he’s capturing your silhouettes and the essence of your love.
The movie poster
Image credit: nashbals via X Doing life with your partner is a journey and there’s no better way to show that than with this shoot that’ll tell your story.
Serving face
Image credit: uncommon_chic via X If you and your partner really think about it, you don’t need money, your face cards are enough payment for anything you need, so you better show it off.
Glam
Image credit: pizzy_funds via X Are you really in love if you haven’t shown everyone how stupendously good you and your sugar plum look together? Bonus points if you can do it in full glam, and we know you can.
Breaking news
Image credit: bcgomes92 via X Why tell everyone personally that you’re heading to the altar with the apple of your eye when you could just take pictures like this and announce it in style?
Two for the price of one
Image credit: _kathiiie via X So you want a full picture that shows you and the sugar in your tea, but you also want a close-up shot of your engagement ring? This is for you.
The view
Image credit: ItsMejMarie via X We suggest you haul yourself to the top of a mountain and recreate this picture, just to show the lengths you and your pookie wookie would go for each other.
Longing
Image credit: _tylerwilliam_ via X You and your partner have waited for each other forever, and now that you’ve found your missing rib, you can’t wait for the whole world to see.
Vintage
Image credit: thehoginator via X The love you and your partner share surpasses space and time. You both believe you would have met each other and fallen in love in any era you found yourselves in.
The calm
Image credit: chaabangz via X The best way to show that your baby came into your life and gave you peace is by recreating this shot.
Undecided
Image credit: chalefiifithis via X If you like more than one photo idea on this list and want to use them all, you can merge them like this.
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Funmbi* talks about her relationship with James*, the incidents that led to their breakup, and the possibility of getting back with the love of her life.
Image created with Starryai This is Funmbi’s* story, as told to Chioma.
I met James* on Tinder in 2021. He was sweet and hilarious, so we exchanged contacts and started talking, but it all fizzled out after a while.
One night, I was ranting on my WhatsApp status, and he reached out to check on me. He called me again the following day, and we spoke for about two hours. Before it ended, he gave me a gig. It was the nicest thing anyone had done for me that month.
After that, we just continued talking to each other. He was smart and kind, and the next thing I knew, I was convincing myself that my school in Ilorin wasn’t even that far from Lagos, where he was, and long-distance relationships weren’t that bad. I knew he wanted to ask me out, and he was just waiting for the right moment, but I didn’t have the patience for that, so two weeks later, I asked him to be my boyfriend.
Our relationship was great. He was the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, and we had this communication rule to make sure the long distance didn’t affect us as much, but I knew something would go wrong. I assumed the worst and hatched a plan for when it happened. So I already thought of the worst thing—him cheating—and then I told myself that he was probably already doing it.
I wasn’t wrong.
James and I were heavy on communication, calls, texts, notes by pigeon. As long as we got to speak to each other constantly, we would do it. Two months into our relationship, I started noticing a communication gap. He would disappear for hours and come back without explanation, so one day, I decided to go to Lagos and see what was happening. I had an event to attend, I had cash, and all this man had to do was pick me up from my friend’s place and take me to his house. We needed to talk, and most importantly, we needed to have sex.
I waited all day for James to show up, but he didn’t. I was livid. I had travelled from Illorin to see him, but he couldn’t drive from Ajah to Lekki to pick me up. I wanted to be petty. I wanted to do something to spite him, so I had sex with the friend I was staying with.
I swear, it didn’t mean anything. To me, sex isn’t such a big deal. I mean, it is, but only when you attach meaning to it, and as far as I was concerned, sex outside a relationship was as meaningless as it came.
I think that’s why I was able to forgive him when he finally confessed to cheating on me the first time.
He came to pick me up from that friend’s house, and after we spoke about the communication gap in our relationship, he confessed. I forgave him after a couple hours because, well, I did just cheat on him, too, but I still loved him, and I already knew he was cheating. He lived in Lagos. We were doing long distance. He gets horny at least twice a week, and he’s a hot guy. There’s too much fish in the river for him not to be tempted.
I didn’t want to lose him, and I had a feeling it would happen again because how do you ask a man to stay celibate because of long distance? In Lagos? It’s like begging water and oil to mix. It’s like trying to say Tinubu should approve a ₦400k minimum wage. It won’t work.
I suggested we open up our relationship. We would still love each other and be together, but we could sleep with whomever we pleased and talk about it. He went ballistic and said he didn’t want that. I think his ego couldn’t handle the thought of someone else touching me. Instead of opening up our relationship, he decided we would take a break and try to sort out our issues. I was fine with that, and then I found out he used that time to cheat again. I gave up after that, and we broke up.
It’s been a year since we broke up, and we’ve built a really good friendship.
The friendship is golden.
He japa’d last August and has been trying to get me to move. That’s a more complicated discussion. But I still love him a lot, and I know it’s mutual to some extent.
Want to know something crazy? If he asks me to give it another shot, even with him thousands of miles away, I just might say yes.
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People find love, get engaged, and vow before God, family, and friends to stick with their partners until the end of their lives. It’s a big vow, so it makes sense that most people make a big show of it, and these Nigerian celebrities are no different.
From Annie Idibia and Tuface’s destination wedding to Veekee James and Femi Atere’s 4-day celebrations, here are our favorite celebrations of love (in no particular order).
Banky W and Adesua Etomi
Photo credit: BellaNaija Shortly after their debut as an on-screen couple in Kemi Adetiba’s 2016 The Wedding Party, Banky, and Susu popped out with an engagement and introduction.
The couple finally tied the knot in November 2017 and had everyone following their wedding hashtag, #Baad17, just to get a glimpse of the bride and groom in their gorgeous outfits on their special day.
Made Kuti and Inedoye Onyenso
Photo credit: Nairaland We were all minding our business on a hot Wednesday morning when Made Kuti, and Inedoye’s gorgeous faces filled our timelines. As though their combined beauty and love weren’t enough, the groom’s mum – Funke Kuti – and her friends decided to show up and show out and almost had half the internet crashing the event.
Adekunle Gold and Simi
Photo credit: BellaNaija After years of watching us ship the love of his life with Falz because of the small chemistry they shared, Adekunle Gold and Simi tied the knot in January 2022. It was an intimate ceremony, and they only shared a glimpse of their special day with us, but they looked incredibly in love and happy.
RECOMMENDED: QUIZ: How Many Guests Will Attend Your Wedding?
Veekee James and Femi Atere
Photo credit: WithinNigeria Veekee James and Femi Atere found love and decided to paint Lagos and its inhabitants red. People keep shouting that it was a 4-day affair, but did they stop to consider that maybe THE couple didn’t want to squeeze all their ceremonies into one day? Perhaps they wanted the whole world to see their ten outfits over those four days and know that their love is not just an anyhow kind of love.
Annie Idibia and Tuface
Photo credit: Mandynews Before everyone was trending wedding hashtags and attending celebrity weddings via Instagram Live and Snapchat, we were attending Annie Idibia and Tuface’s wedding via television.
In 2013, the long-term couple said their vows before friends, family, and their online in-laws at the Jumeirah beach resort in Dubai.
Tee-Billz and Tiwa Savage
Photo credit: LoveweddingsNG This couple may have called it quits, but their wedding would forever live rent-free in our heads.
A custom iPhone with the couple’s initials, Toolz DJing, a car gift from Don Jazzy, and doves being released after the vows. Tee-Billz and Tiwa Savage had the most exclusive fairytale destination wedding in 2014. If they could tell us who their planner was, that’d be great.
Davido and Chioma
Photo credit: BellaNaijaWeddings We were promised an #Assurance2020 but got a #Chivido2024, and it couldn’t have been better. Davido and Chioma Rowland were traditionally married in a big AF wedding on June 25, 2024. There were so many people willing to celebrate the couple’s love that we’re low-key surprised the venue could take them all.
READ: Real Lovers Know These Are the Best Love Songs Davido Has Ever Made
Kemi Adetiba and Oscar Heman-Ackah
Photo credit: Oscar Heman-Ackah via Instagram The king of boys popped out with her boo, Ghananian-Nigerian music executive, creative entrepreneur, and media solutionist Oscar Heman-Ackah, and got traditionally married in 2022. Half of Nollywood was in attendance at the ceremony, and it was a perfect blend of the couple’s multi-cultural backgrounds.
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You might disagree with us, but Davido is a lover boy. From the broke lover boy anthem, Aye, to Assurance, which is his dedication of love to his wife, Chioma, it’s clear that OBO loves love in whatever shape or form.
We love all his lover boy songs, but everyone would agree that these are the best ones of all time (arranged in no particular order).
No Competition with Asake
Who wants to compete with anyone for their baby’s love and affection? Nobody.
Davido and Asake did this one for the people who love words of affirmation. The song starts and ends with them hailing their baby and waxing lyrical about how nobody could touch the helm of their baby’s garment because she’s just that wonderful.
Notable lyric: “Fami mo’ra, Angelina Jolie Iwonikan, nikan-nikan-nikan, o ti toh mi.”
Kante with Fave
Have you ever been so in love with somebody that you don’t understand how you feel around them? All you know is that you love the feeling and would do anything to ensure it never stops. That’s how Davido felt about the girl this song is about.
Notable lyric: “I wanna love you for life I no go like to say goodbye.”
E pain me
Technically, this is a heartbreak song, but Davido starts the song by saying that the girl who broke his heart is bad (hot AF). He’s hurt by the breakup, but he still wants to be with her. If that isn’t love, then what is?
Notable lyric: “Bad girl wan carry me do jangulova.”
Na money with The Cavemen and Angelique Kidjo
Love without money is fine, but as we can clearly see, in this current economy, love with money is GREAT. Davido, The Cavemen, and Angelique Kidjo knew this when they sat down and put this song together.
Notable lyric: “Them no dey chop gravel, money go surplus o.”
Fall
We understand that love is a strong feeling, and he most likely just wanted to show us how much he loved the person, but someone, please tell Davido that sending money and bananas to fall on someone’s head like rain then sending paparazzi to follow them is not the best way to declare your love.
Notable lyric: “I don’t wanna be a player no more”
READ: The Real 30BG Know These Are the 15 Greatest Davido Songs of ALL Time
Assurance
If your partner has refused to commit to your relationship, you have two options: play this song to remind them of the “lifetime insurance” you’ve been asking for, or leave. We suggest you do both. You may find someone who loves you enough to make money when you go, and Prada will fall on you.
Notable lyric: “And if I ever leave oh make water carry me dey go.”
Aye
It’s nice to know that someone loves you for you and not what they have to offer, but can someone please ask Davido if love will pay for dates or feed me and my baby?
Notable lyric: “Emergency, baby, you ’cause emergency.”
1 Milli
Let’s be honest; how much is even 1 million dollars? Nothing is too much for someone if you love them and want to keep them by your side forever.
Notable lyric: “How much is one milli, one million dollars?”
ALSO READ: All the Drama We Can Expect at Chivido 2024
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They’re not all the same, but one thing we know for sure is, if you experienced the things on this list, congratulations, your father is as Nigerian as they come.
“Go and ask your mother”
It doesn’t matter if you were asking for money or permission to go to the neighbour’s house — or if you already asked her — your father definitely sent you back to your mother to make sure you weren’t leading him into a trap.
He bought things in bulk just because you liked it
If you ever made the mistake of mentioning how much you like mangoes or a particular bread brand in front of your father, you had to immediately prepare yourself for a lifetime supply of it. Maybe now that you’re older you can share a bottle of Johnnie Walker with him so he sees how much you like it and buys you a carton.
“I’m still watching it” even though he’s sleeping
No, he wasn’t still watching the news. As a matter of fact, he was sleeping so deeply that he’d started snoring loud enough for the entire neighbourhood to hear. But woe betide you if you were bold enough to try changing the channel or turning off the TV.
You almost studied engineering
You once made the mistake of connecting the DVD player to the television, and your father immediately saw your future as an engineer. It didn’t matter if you were in the art class and had already told everyone your calling was theatre arts. Your father called engineering on your behalf and you had to answer.
“No” but he still did it
Someone needs to check why Nigerian fathers love saying “No” so much. They’d answer every request you make with a vehement “No”, and then five minutes later, you have what you asked for. What was the forming for?
He threatened to leave everyone behind
Every time the family had to attend an event, your father walked out of the house 15 minutes before everyone and threatened to drive off if everyone wasn’t in the car in five minutes. Thankfully he never left anyone behind and no one had to keep walking till they got to the event.
He complained about spending money on you while spending money on you
He’d empty his bank account on your head, that much was certain, but he’d also murmur and groan about it every step of the way. Now that you have your own money, you should take him out and share a bottle of Johnnie Walker with him, just so he knows you’ll also empty your bank account on his head – without complaining – if you need to.
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Imagine hopping on a plane and arriving in a foreign country alone. The only familiar face you’ll see will most likely be yours. It may be daunting, but if you prepare well and leave Nigeria with all the items on our list, you’ll be fine.
A credible form of ID
Image source- Biometric update We know you’re an adult and won’t forget your travel documents and ID, but this is your reminder to double and triple-check that you’re actually with it before you board that plane. Just in case you still somehow forget, as long as you booked your flight with Tramango and opted for their travel insurance, you’re good. They treat their customers like egg and will be there for you 24/7.
Travel insurance
Image source- CDC.gov You can never tell what’ll happen before or during your trip. Your flight might get cancelled due to weather conditions. You might lose your passport, fall sick or lose your baggage in a foreign country. That’s where travel insurance comes in. You’ll get support, coverage and some refund if you experience any of that. Who better to help you with your travel insurance than Tramango?
Cash
Image source- tenor It might be a cashless society but don’t forget you’re going to a country you’ve probably never been to before. You don’t know what might happen there, so take as much cash (that wouldn’t look suspicious) as you can so you don’t end up stranded in an unfamiliar country.
Locks
Image source- tenor While Tramango ensures your flight is as seamless and safe as possible, you’ll need to protect your privacy and safety once you arrive at your destination. Make sure you pack locks for everything from your bags to extra locks for less high-end hotel room doors. If it can be locked, lock it and hold on to the key.
Power bank
Image source- Skit store We’re not saying the country you’re going to will have an epileptic power supply like a particular country whose name begins with an “N”. All we’re saying is it’s better to be safe than stuck in the middle of nowhere with a dead phone and no one to turn to.
A tour guide
Image source- tenor You can request one before you get to the country you’re visiting. They’ll make your stay much easier, and you won’t end up wandering about with no aim. You also get someone who’ll take (hopefully) Instagram-worthy pictures of your adventures. While Tramango makes your travels seamless and convenient, your tour guide will make your stay fun.
Pepper spray
Image source- Cloud 9 Honestly, anything that’ll hurt in direct contact with the eyes will work. You just need to be able to protect yourself from anything mon foreign soil.
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Over the years, Nollywood has given us stellar movies like Lionheart, Blood Vessel, and King of Thieves, which have broken records and language barriers. The industry has given us different storylines on different platforms, with more movies debuting first in cinema before finding a home on one of the two streaming giants in Nigeria – Netflix and Amazon’s Prime Video.
Calculate the amount of money made from ticket sales and whatever the streaming service will pay for streaming rights real quick. The Yoruba branch of Nollywood seems to have seen the performance of these “big production” movies that debut in cinema and have decided to pitch their tent there.
Mainstream Nollywood seems to have mastered the art of hiding behind these big productions and bigger names to deliver stories that leave you at a loss for words, wondering what you could’ve possibly done to deserve such treatment.
While Mainstream has been doing this for years, the Yoruba branch’s insistence on breaking in with the cinema crowd has only become obvious in the last year, with back-to-back cinema releases from industry OGs like Femi Adebayo (King of Thieves), Odunlade Adekola (Orisa), Jaiye Kuti (Alagbede), and Toyin Abraham (Ijakumo).
READ: The Latest Yoruba Movies You Should See in 2024
These movies get the audience’s attention with big premieres and interesting marketing strategies, causing people to flock to watch them on release only to return with mouths full of questions regarding the storyline, acting, and general quality.
Naturally, this has us moaning and groaning every time a new movie is released, but maybe this issue affects the entire industry, not just this branch.
Here’s why
On multiple occasions, Nigerians have come out to complain about the lack of authentic stories about the reality of the average Nigerian, their experiences, and culture, as well as their tiredness at the continuous portrayal of flamboyant displays of wealth and the Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge – all of which are actually part of the Nigerian experience – on their screens.
Nollywood has obviously taken this to heart and tried its hands at something new, but just because the action genre, language-speaking epics, and the theme of police brutality work for some doesn’t mean they’ll work for others.
The industry needs to realize that the audience has grown tired of seeing the same storylines with the same faces in the same settings. It’s time for the industry and all its branches to return to the drawing board and figure out how to tell stories in ways that don’t leave the audience questioning their sanity.
Yoruba language films may currently be offering us poor-quality entertainment on multiple distribution platforms (cinema and streaming services) in exchange for our time and money, but this isn’t a problem peculiar to them.
The entire industry moves as though it could care less for its audience, almost like they’re poking, prodding, and daring us, trying to see how much they can get away with in plotlines, costume, location, makeup, and VFX. At this point, we might need to stop complaining, get down on our knees, and beg industry stakeholders of all the branches (Mainstream, Yoruba, Asaba, Kannywood, Abuja, etc) to have mercy on us and start caring about the art that comes within the business of filmmaking.
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We’re all for peace, love, and light, but sometimes, the only way to get your point across and ensure people leave with a lasting memory of you is to roll up your sleeves and engage in a little gidigbo. Nollywood understands this.
From juju-enabled Mortal Kombat-looking fight sequences to hand-to-hand street fighting, here are all the times Nollywood gave us fight scenes that had us at the edge of our seats.
Isale-Eko’s Mama Ify inspired unrest from “Gangs of Lagos”
Kazeem killed Ify and really thought he could get away with it, but Mama Ify said “God forbid” and called for vengeance. Kazeem may not have died in this fight, but they painted the streets red with the blood of their enemies.
READ: We Ranked the Fight Scenes in “Gangs of Lagos” From Survivable to Sorry for You
Paul Edima wakes from retirement from “The Black Book”
There are little things as satisfying as an old man beating the shit out of younger people that came to disturb his peace and quiet, but when the man is RMD, it’s a thousand times better. After teasing us for the first 50 minutes of The Black Book, Paul Edima finally gets himself together and reminds his enemies who exactly he is.
The final heist from “Brotherhood”
Every day for the thief, one day for the SWAT team to avenge their fallen leader and shoot at the Ojuju boys and girl on Third Mainland Bridge. It’s really hard to say who won this fight because the SWAT team left feeling like they had beaten the Ojuju boys and at least two Ojuju boys left with the money they came to steal.
Reggie’s black belt vs Oga Rambo’s street fighting goons from “Far From Home”
As if we weren’t already trying to contain our overwhelming crush on Reggie, the writers decided to throw in Zina’s boyfriend taking down the two grown-ass men Oga Rambo sent to terrorize the school. He didn’t win in the end, but he karate-chopped those men into unconsciousness, and we love it.
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Odeshi VS Everyone from “Soole”
If we ignore all the grunts and groans from Invincible Man, this might be one of the funnier fight scenes from Nollywood. Ifebuchi and other passengers get kidnapped on their way to Enugu and have to fight an odeshi-wielding goon to escape.
Obviously, they escaped, with no thanks to the gun-wielding Counter Terrorism Unit operatives that happened to be on board with them, and all thanks to Ifebuchi and his cutlass covered with the pee from a virgin.
The slowest and possibly longest fight of all time from “Shanty Town”
We understand that the fight scenes are choreographed, but if human beings fought like this on the battlefield, half the human race would be non-existent right now. The fight started slowly. People walked away from the battlefield like they had all the time in the world, and when the time for hand-to-hand combat came, they almost used 2x speed to finish us.
A couple that fights together stays together from “Merry Men 2”
AY may have committed a lot of atrocities with the Merry Men franchise, including the glass-shattering VFX scene that happens in the middle of this particular fight, but he also gave us Ramsey Nouah and Damilola Adegbite kicking ass as a unit, and we’re thankful for that.
Ps: If you see the man Ramsey Nouah’s character “drowns” walking out of the pool as soon as Ramsey does, just act like you didn’t.
Mortal Kombat is shaking from “Kesari”
One would think a god wouldn’t need to engage mere mortals in hand-to-hand combat, but not Kesari. Maybe it was the anger at being dared by gun and cutlass-wielding humans or the fact that he’d been stuck in a tree for many years and he was tired AF, whatever it was Kesari arrived at that village and let his ancestors down.
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If you aren’t tired of kissing frogs and rolling around with goats, we’re tired on your behalf.
We’ve studied all the Bridgertons and their love matches, and here’s how you can tell you’ve found the one for you so you can stop wasting your time in these streets.
Watching them eat gets you hot and bothered
Something about them indulging in sugary treats has to appeal to the less proper side of you. If they’re truly the one for you and your very being burns for them, then you should be jealous and want to take the place of every spoon, fork, or treat that makes its way into their mouth.
They vex you
We’re not talking about full-on hatred o. Just something light where sometimes the words that leave their mouth make you roll your eyes, but also makes you happy because at least you got to hear their voice. However, if the sound of their voice makes you feel like pulling your hair and ear out, then they’re most likely not the one for you.
They make you happy
It doesn’t matter if you’re just sitting in silence or arguing about something utterly ridiculous, all that matters is that you’re doing it with them and that’s enough to make you smile like a Nigerian politician that has just successfully rigged an election.
READ: All the Real-Life Situations Where “Bridgerton” Quotes Come in Handy
You dream about them
If you’re dreaming of them every night then we suggest you tell them to take your name out of their jazz man’s mouth. But, if the love of your life is making an appearance in your dreams every now and again, then it’s safe to say that they’ve taken full ownership of your mind and heart.
Your family loves them
If your family members move like Satan’s step-children then this one’s not for you. However, if they’re sensible and you know they always have your best interest at heart then by all means show them your potential beau and hope your family falls in love, like you have.
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You feel physically sick when you fight with them
People in love fight all the time. But, if you and the person you think is “The One” get into a fight and you’re both able to breathe and be functional members of society, then they might not be the one for you.
They’ll think the world of you
Naturally, the one for you has to think stars shine out of your ass, they need to genuinely believe you’re the sole reason the galaxy shines so bright. If they’re not of this opinion then you need to pack your load and continue your search for love.
You’ll do anything to protect them
When you find “The One” they’ll mean the world to you, and you’ll do anything to make sure no one hurts them, even if that person is their mother or yourself.
You’re obsessed with them
When we say obsessed, we mean things like sniffing the air after they walk past you and keeping every letter they’ve written you – you know, normal things people in mutually loving relationships do.
ALSO READ: Surefire Ways to Get Your Own “Bridgerton” Relationship in Real Life
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Taking proper care of your skin is a lot of work. There’s a long list of things you should do and an even longer list of things you shouldn’t do. It can become too much, so here’s a quick and simple guide on how to take good care of your skin.
Understand your skin type
It might be tempting but don’t dive head-first into everything you see other people doing. Figure out what type of skin you have and what mayfor you. That way, you’re not wasting time and money on products that might cause you more harm than good.
Get money
Skincare is anything but cheap.If you want to put in enough hard work for your skin to finally take pity on you and start caring, you’ll need to get your bag up as soon as possible.
Keep your hands away from your face
Think of all the surfaces you’ve touched throughout the day. Now think of all the people who have also touched them and where their hands might have been. You don’t want germs anywhere near parts of the body you’re trying to take care of, especially your face.
Always moisturize
You’ll need to get used to moisturising your skin and not just slapping oils on. When you use a good moisturising lotion like Nivea Radiant Beauty Even Glow, you get 48-hour moisture that leaves your skin looking and feeling better. It has 95% pure vitamin C and Pearl Extract that helps reduce the appearance of dark spots leaving you with a visibly radiant and even tone skin in just two weeks.
Use sunscreen
There’s truth behind the sunscreen hype sunscreen. It protects you from the harsh rays of the sun, makes sure skin cancer stays far away from you, and stops you from looking 55 at the young age of 25. If you get the Nivea Even Glow lotion you won’t need to get a body sunscreen because it contain SPF 15.
Don’t ever say Zikoko did nothing for you.
Get a daily skincare routine
It doesn’t have to be an elaborate 10-step routine, as long as you wake up every morning and make sure your skin feels loved and tended to.
Change your pillowcase once a week
Forget about all the slobbering you do while sleeping and think about the dust mites that have made your pillowcase their home. The more time you spend with the same pillowcase, the more dead skin cells accumulate, the more dust mites you get, and the higher your chances of acne and bacterial infections.
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Let it never be said that Nollywood doesn’t give us choices. From the deadbeat daddies to the daddies that double as besties, here are the greatest father-son duos Nollywood has given us so far.
Mr Ibu and Muo in “Mr Ibu”
Image Credit: PremiumTimesNigeria Mr Ibu and Muo were constantly at each other’s throats and never let the other have even a second of peace, but it was clear they cared about each other—even if it was because they got to torment each other.
Andy and Nnamdi Okeke in “Living in Bondage: Breaking Free”
Image Credit: shockng Imagine finding your way out of a satanic cult, giving your life to Christ, and turning a new leaf only for your estranged son to walk in there and take your spot.
That’s what happened with these two. Andy had to find a way to build a relationship with Nnamdi and save him from the clutches of Richard Williams and his not-so-merry band of blood-sucking demons. We didn’t think they’d succeed, but the cult was no match for a praying father.
Paul and Damilola Edima in “The Black Book”
We didn’t get to see much of their relationship with each other, but we saw the way Damilola’s daddy hunted down the people that killed his son, and that’s enough to show how much they meant to each other.
Fred Ade-Williams and Philip Ade-Williams in “Tinsel”
Was Philip a spoiled brat? Yes
Did his daddy let him carry his spoiled, wayward attitude to the outside world? Yes. Now and again
Fred and Philp’s relationship was strained, but they knew they could always reach out to each other if they needed help.
Chief T.A Fuji and his many sons in “Fuji House of Commotion”
Image Credit: zikoko Chief T.A. definitely wasn’t the best father to his multiple sons because how do you forget your children’s names? But he was one of the first deadbeat daddies Nollywood gave us, and we appreciate the visibility.
Tivdo and Terfa Gyado in “Unbroken”
Image Credit: AfricaMagic If there was anything Tivdo knew for a fact, it was that his daddy loved him. Terfa’s shady dealings might have temporarily cost him his legs, but at the end of the day, they were a team, and they knew they had each other’s backs.
Imole and Maje in “Slum King”
Image Credit: BHM Maje may have lost his biological father at a young age and gotten thrown into maximum prison, but he met x and had his life changed completely. Granted, it wasn’t for the best because his new daddy threw him into a life of gbomo gbomo, but they loved each other and did their best to make sure it showed.
Adil and Jayden in “Big Love”
Adil might not have been Jayden’s biological father, but it was clear to everyone that he would’ve done anything for the boy. Even when Adil and Adina briefly broke up, he still tried his best to show up for Jayden as much as he could.
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Slang or rubbish?
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We’re almost six months into the year, and Big Brother is yet to tell us when his new children will make an appearance on our screens.
No, that reunion announcement doesn’t count, because what do you mean it might be cancelled? While we wait for the children of chaos to return, we decided to rank all the Big Brother Naija seasons so far.
Big Brother Naija Season 8: All-Stars
Big Brother saw that he was losing our attention and decided to call on all his badly behaved children from previous seasons. He found what he was looking for.
The housemates fell in and out of love, Ilebaye fought all the housemates, Pere destroyed Biggie’s property, and Seyi dragged his reputation through the gutter. Congratulations to everyone involved. When are we doing that again?
Chaos Level: 10
They stressed us during the show, and they’re clearly still stressing us after, because where is our reunion?!
Big Brother Naija Season 5: Lockdown
COVID-19 was out to get us. The government was unleashing curfews left, right, and centre. But in the midst of it all, Big Brother still prevailed. From love triangles to food-based relationship problems to the curve of a lifetime, we don’t know what we did to deserve it, but they served us entertainment.
Chaos Level: 9.5
Big Brother didn’t even have to instigate anything this season. They used their hands to dig holes for themselves and each other.
We loved it.
Big Brother Naija Season 3: Double Wahala
Between Cee-C fighting everyone and their daddy in Biggie’s house and Nina’s “Miracle is my everything, my boyfriend is my boyfriend” chat, there’s nothing our eyes didn’t see during this BBN season. Big Brother opened his doors and let everyone come in and do as they pleased. We’re not complaining or anything, we’re just hoping the housemates that walk into his house next give us this energy.
Chaos Level: 9
Biggie’s children are usually unwell, but these ones were as unhinged as they come, and we didn’t get a single moment of peace.
Big Brother Naija Season 4: Pepper Dem
Every season, Big Brother makes sure there’s at least one person in his house capable of causing optimum disaster. This season, the producers obviously miscalculated because everyone who walked into Biggie’s house came ready to show up and show out. And when they walked out of the house and onto the reunion set, they continued on their mission.
Chaos Level: 9
It’s been five years, and the housemates are still dragging drama that happened under Biggie’s roof. What does that tell you?
Big Brother Naija Season 2: See Gobbe
We know Big Brother is supposed to push you and your talents to greater heights, but the housemates from this season were just show-offs. They understood the art of multitasking and would belt out beautiful notes in the morning and cuss each other out at noon time. Someone show the new housemates this season so they can see how it’s done.
Chaos Level: 7
Big Brother Naija Season 6: Shine Ya Eye
Did they cause chaos and pandemonium in Biggie’s house? Yes, but sometimes it felt like they were forcing it because why are you fighting for respect because of your old age in Big Brother’s house of equal rights?
Chaos Level: 6
They weren’t that chaotic. They just couldn’t respect each other as human beings. Off the road!
Big Brother Naija Season 7: Level Up
We knew we were in for a confusing ride when they introduced the split houses. Then all the housemates started showing their true colours with their 20/7 relationship-based fights that didn’t make sense. Big Brother better make sure he comes correct this new season, or we’ll storm Ilupeju and bring him out for the world to see.
Chaos Level: 4. We don’t know if it was the division of the houses or the fact that the fights didn’t slap the way they should’ve, but this season wasn’t it.
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When people say Nigeria is always after her citizens’ lives, it may sound like an exaggeration, but from our findings today, it isn’t.
From poisoned arrows to random debits and falling trailer containers, these Nigerians talk about the times their country has tried, and thankfully, failed to unalive them.
Tomiwa, 28
I was heading out of Ojuelegba, and I can’t remember if it was the traffic light or someone controlling traffic, but we were asked to stop. When they finally let us move, the car in front of me sped off, but it took me a while to change my gear. I heard a skid and looked up to see that the container on the trailer in front of me had slid off the back, somehow passed my car and hit the car next to me. If I had moved three seconds earlier, I’d probably be dead by now.
Nnorom, 91
Before The Biafran War, my family and I used to live in Zaria. When Northerners started killing Igbo people, I sent my family back to the East but stayed to get more people out. While I was doing that, I got shot by a poisoned arrow. An Hausa man saw me, hid me and helped me treat my wounds before I found my way to the train and back to the East.
Favour, 19
I went to the market with my mum. It was supposed to be a quick run: We’d go into Jakande market, get what we wanted and come out. But it was the rainy season, and somehow, I ended up inside a gutter. They had to pull me out and take me to St Kizito Clinic because something had scratched me on my way down, and for the life of us, we didn’t know what it was.
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Mimi, 23
I was 15. My dad had moved to Port Harcourt for work, and my mum, sister and I decided to visit him. We were having a really nice time, then one day, my mum was driving us somewhere, and we got caught in traffic. While we were waiting for the cars in front of us to move, we started hearing gunshots. At first, it was a little funny to my sister and I, but then, everyone started crouching low and hiding in their car. My mother locked the doors, and she was full-on panicking — my mother never panics. We were in the car for like 15 minutes, and at some point, we saw policemen running away, which was really rude because if they were running, WTF were we supposed to do?
Ifeanyi, 28
It happened on my way back from church. Police officers stopped the keke I was in, told everyone to get down and sent the keke on his way. At first, we were all confused, but these police people always act insane, so we all just continued walking. It all happened quickly. One second, they were asking where I was coming from, and the next, they were threatening to “waste” me if I don’t clear out my bank account and give them all the money. I sent them ₦504,000.
Marvelous, 30
I think it was the year after COVID. I found this SME grant Nigeria was giving out to young entrepreneurs and was happy, so I applied. I got it. Last month, I got a message from the disbursement bank. I don’t know why I saw the message and thought they were giving me another grant, but I really did think it was a credit alert. I went to the bank to get the money, only for these people to tell me the grant I had gotten in 2021 was actually a loan, and they had just received orders to take the money out of our accounts three years later. I almost ran mad. What if I didn’t have the money?
Blossom, 23
When has Nigeria not tried to kill me? Every day, I wake up, and it’s one thing after the other. If it’s not electricity, it’s the internet. If it’s not the internet, it’s your bank acting crazy. I’m actually surprised I’ve survived this long in this country.
READ: 9 Nollywood Characters That Might Do a Better Job as Nigeria’s President
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While we’re all trying to survive this life, a select few have gone and found love and engagement rings. We don’t know what they’re all running from or towards, but here’s how to join the merry little band of lovesick fools.
Change your bad character
Granted, the one for you will love all of you — flaws and all. But your character is currently too bad for them to even see you. We suggest you self-reflect and figure out why you’ve not joined the real lovers of 2024.
Become a real lover
It might feel easier to form hard guy and perform mental gymnastics because you’re looking for love, but it actually isn’t. Go out, meet someone and feel all the feelings.
However, if that doesn’t work, wake up at 2 in the morning, stand outside your house and swear for them.
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Give your ex a chance
Yes, that ex you just thought about. Like a couple of old pictures on their Instagram, leave a comment or two, sub them on your story and watch them crawl back into your life. Who knows? It might be for good this time.
Let your parents set you up
Two things will happen here: you either meet the love of your life and live happily ever after with them or it ends in disaster and premium tears. You’ll never know which if you don’t give it a chance.
Get out of your house
We know we said you can find love in the comfort of your home, but that obviously isn’t working for you. So it’s time to switch up your game.
Attend a wedding
If you meet someone there, that’s great. But don’t forget your main focus; to catch the bouquet and pray the superstition works for you and you get married, or at least, find the love of your life next.
Take a trip to your village
Go to your village and beg all the members of the community to free you to find love before the year runs out. Desperate times and all of that.
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If you think about it, there’s no way Nigeria isn’t a simulation. We’re currently in a blackout because the Nigeria Labour Congress is on strike.
We’re going through it, and our leaders have decided to act like our problems don’t exist, so we’re nominating these Nollywood characters to take their place.
Odds are that they won’t even do a better job, but there’s no way they’ll do worse, right?
Jedidah Judah in “A Tribe Called Judah”
Photo credit- Afrodives A businesswoman to the core; she was giving out loans, starting businesses, and helping the people around her. Think about what someone like her can do for our economy.
She might not last long in office due to her illness and her children might embezzle some funds, but we’re sure that she’d take care of us to the best of her abilities.
Big Daddy in “The Black Book”
Photo credit- Zikoko_mag via X As we all saw, Big Daddy doesn’t play with her people. Also, she doesn’t make promises she can’t keep. If Big Daddy is in office, we might be in a war every day — she’ll probably loan out our army to her friends in distress — but we can be sure that we’ll be well taken care of.
Paul Edima in “The Black Book”
Photo credit- Whatkeptmeup Like the travel blogger president who left office last year, we can trust Paul Edima to be scarce during his tenure. But the difference is we’ll only need to cry and protest, and he’ll come back and take care of business before he pulls another disappearing act like a Yoruba man with commitment issues.
Queen in “GIrls Cot”
Photo credit- Simony Nollywood TV via Youtube She’ll tax the shit out of us to keep her pockets fat. But she’ll also know how useful we are to her bank account and make life easier and affordable for the masses and the baddies.
Famzy in “Chief Daddy”
Photo credit- Notjustok Will Famzy use all of Nigeria’s money to fund his dead rap career? Yes.
Will he use the country and everyone in it to promote his foolish music? Yes.
But these can be managed — we’ll just find him advisors who can convince him to make a good decision every now and again. You can rest assured that during Famzy’s tenure, we won’t have to endure grid collapses and a nationwide famine.
Arolake in “Anikulapo”
Photo credit- Nollywoodreporter We need Arolake, her bag of money and her connection to the mystical beings who clearly adore her. If she’s our supreme leader, we are set for however long she plans to stay in office.
Timeyin in “Blood Sisters”
Photo credit- Marieclaire She had Uduak as a mother, two murderous brothers and survived it all. If this doesn’t show her tenacity and survival skills. What else could you possibly want in a leader? She’ll make sure that everyone feels loved and all forms of abuse are met with harsh punishments.
Afamefuna in “Afamefuna”
Photo credit- OkayAfrica Afamefuna will probably use our money to spoil his Amy nwa and pay off everyone he’s offended. But did you see how he solved his oga’s problem and grew his business? By the end of his second year in office, Nigeria would have paid off all her loans and the naira would have risen.
Mama Ify in “Gangs of Lagos”
Photo credit- Culture Custodian Mama Ify will clamp down on over-taxing and ensure every child goes to school. Mama Ify will be sweet to us and host cookouts at Aso Rock every Saturday. But don’t take her niceness for foolishness — if anyone moves anyhow, she’ll swear for them in the middle of the street, and it’ll catch them.
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Questions
This is a question
Choose the punishments you did as a child:
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Zikoko walks into the empty Chicken Republic outlet.
Chicken Republic Chicken: Welcome to my not-so-humble home!
Zikoko:
Thank you?
Zikoko sits and pulls out a notepad and voice recorder.
Zikoko: You said you want to tell your story?
Chicken Republic Chicken takes Zikoko’s hands in his.
Zikoko:
Chicken Republic Chicken: Thank you for gracing us with your presence. I told people you were coming to speak to me and they called me a liar. Shame to all my haters!
Chicken Republic Chicken turns to his videographer.
CRC: Did you get that?
Zikoko: What’s happening?
CRC: I’m making a documentary, “The life and times of Chicken Republic Chicken: The sustainer of the average Nigerian.” It slaps, abi?
Zikoko: I guess.
CRC:
You guess? Look, it doesn’t get any better than Christopher Romanus Chicken.
Zikoko: That’s your name?
CRC: Not really, but it sounds nice.
Zikoko: Ear dey pain you?
CRC:
Zikoko: My apologies.
CRC: Did my haters send you?
Zikoko: You have haters?
CRC: Shocking, right? How could anyone hate a delectable meal like me? Versatile, multitalented, award-winning … It’s jealousy. They’re jealous of me and my success. They want to be like me and taste like me, but I’m one of a kind.
Zikoko: You believe in yourself o.
CRC:
Are you one of my haters?
Zikoko: No! It’s just nice to see self-love.
CRC: Better.
Zikoko: So who are these haters?
CRC:You want me to give them free clout at my interview? Never.
Zikoko: (under their breath) But you just finished talking-
CRC: I know what they can do with their hate though. They can shove it up their –
Zikoko: Okay! Talk to your fans now. Tell us how you started.
CRC: Divine inspiration. I had a vision where I was a king, and all these other fraudulent proteins were bowing to me. Next thing, I started Chicken republic. How many other proteins have their own state?
Zikoko opens its mouth to speak.
CRC: Exactly. I’ve always known I was destined for great things, big things.
Zikoko: So you just manifested this?
CRC: Manifestation, delegation, natural talent, grace and one word.
Zikoko leans forward.
Zikoko: What word?
CRC: “Nice. “
Zikoko: Yeah?
CRC: “Nice.”
Zikoko: Like, “Gongo Aso” 9ice?
CRC: Zikoko, don’t upset me. It’s “nice”.
Zikoko: You like getting upset?
CRC: The word is “Nice” as in “Nice nice”. How are you doing your job like this?
Zikoko: Sorry. It’s the aroma from the kitchen.
CRC: That’s why you want to frustrate me?
Zikoko: It smells really nice o.
Zikoko takes a deep breath.
Zikoko: Is that jollof and spicy fried-
Zikoko gets up, sniffing their way into the kitchen.
CRC: Zikoko! Zikoko you can’t go in there!! What type of interview is this?
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Since Tinubu baby hit the ground running 12 months ago, Nigerians have barely known a second of peace. From the fuel subsidy to the constant national grid collapses to the heat waves, we’ve been through it.
We would give you a list of films that might make you feel better, but since we’re already on the path of premium shege and confusion, we’ll just give you a list of Nollywood films that’ll leave you confused AF. You might even find yourself wondering, “who the fuck brought me to this Nigeria.”
“Water and Garri “
This one has really pretty cinematography and gorgeous talents, but all of this is just to deceive you and lure you into the most confusing plotline you might see this month.
“Japa!”
You’ll start “Japa!” a bit hopeful because all your faves are together. You’ll think you’re in for a cinematic masterpiece, but your bubble will be popped. You’ll be reminded of what your country is putting you through after you watch everyone go through senseless problems for the entire duration of the film.
“Merry Men 3”
If we’re being honest, MerryMen 1 and 2 are in this boat as well. AY brought Ramsey Nouah and Jim Iyke to our screens and saw that people somewhat liked it, now he has refused to let us rest. You’ll get jokes, some bit of action, and a weird VFX scene in Merry Men 2 that might make you hate yourself for a hot minute.
“The Kujus Again”
You’ll have a good time watching this; some bits are actually funny. It will be a 5/10 experience until the plot loses you along the way and you’ll have to piece it all together. Think of it like how Nigerians are enjoying good music and global recognition right now, even though the weather is a mess and there’s fuel scarcity spreading through the land.
“The Men’s Club” Season 4
Remember when they changed the actor playing Aminu and told us it was going to be okay? Was it really okay? Like that wasn’t enough, they decided to put our happy-go-lucky Louis and Lola through hell, which made us suffer. When you watch this season of TMC, you’ll feel like the writer and director have joined forces with your village people to show you pepper.
“A Sunday Affair”
Two best friends fall in love with the same man, and that’s fine. However, when you add cancer, the trifling man actively pursuing them both and a possible death on the horizon, you get chaos that’ll take your brain a very long time to process.
“Skinny Girl in Transit” Season 7
There’s nothing as chaotic and confusing as THE Mide Macaulay kissing another woman while his child is in the hospital. Congratulations to whoever wrote in that little piece of chaos and sent the entire country on a downward spiral. Thank you for reminding us what our leaders do every time they speak to us.
“Postcards”
If you want to watch RMD brood and pine over his long-lost love, then this is for you. Just make sure you’re ready to spend the next week contemplating if somoenone who truly loves themselves would willingly go through that.
Also, the characters act like they know what they’re doing and why they’re doing it, but if you look really closely, you’ll see that everyone is just running on vibes, and not even the good type.
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