Boyin Plumptre, Author at Zikoko!

If you’re not too proud to take this quiz, you can find out what percentage of pride is really hiding inside your heart:
The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.

When it comes to life goals, ask the average Nigerian and they’ll tell you something along these three lines:

l’owo (have money)

L’ola (have wealth)

L’alaafia (have rest of mind)

Take those same Nigerian across the pond and the story stays largely the same. The elements of wealth and money being apparent, while peace of mind consists of everything that could give your mind rest and a little someone I like to call ‘the bone of yah bone.’

For Abroad Life this week, I spoke with a special little lady who doesn’t want to reveal herself just yet. Her time in the UK, pursuing her masters was a move to secure those first two bags and a chance to maybe get a little love in the mix. To her chances at love, the UK said, ‘haha, you thought’. She tells us about love and life in Manchester, and why the Femi you know in Abuja is better than the unattainable Denzel in the UK.

So give it to me straight. Over 10, what are the chances that a girl looking to move from the gold-chains of Femi and Nnamdi to cross over to the red passport side of Demarcus and Denzel, will be successful in the UK?

Hmm. About that…

Ghen

So it depends. If your individual luck is strong, or the anointing oil on your head is extra fortified, Denzel can show up on the day you land Heathrow oh.

I love these odds!

But realistically, trying to secure the bae in the UK? Let me just put your chances at … see, just give it like a strong 3/10.

Girl, I know these are not the odds you were facing when you were in school. I want to believe…

Be believing there.

Man, now I have to ask, what carried your legs to the UK?

It was for school. I was pursuing my masters in Information Systems and Management.

Oh nice. Definitely a course my mommy would be happy to tell her women’s group her child is studying. Was it difficult getting into school though?

Not at all! All the UK wants is your money actually.

The members of my ‘Japa 2021 IJN’ WhatsApp group are begging to differ right about now

No really. I handled my immigration process myself. All I did was identify the Uni, send my request to admissions. Forward the required documents, show proof of funds and you receive your conditional offer.

Apply for the visa and pay your fees. That was pretty much what I did.

Interesting! So when you got into the UK, and this is a random question — I know. Did you set your sights on any particular groups. Like say, strictly Nigerian men, or were you open to other nationalities?

Hm. I have to say I was open to anyone. I mean, I wouldn’t have minded a Nigerian right? You’ll share all these inside jokes, insult Nigeria together, that kind of thing. But I wasn’t pressed about that. Any nationality was good.

You were open to all nationalities and the odds are still 3/10? Sister, we need to pray

Hahaa!

So I imagine you spent most of your time in school. What was the population mix like? Were there a lot of Nigerians, hispanics?…

Oh man, it was very multi-cultural. But you see Nigerians? They were everywhere. We were a lot!

My people, my people

Look! We were so many, the student accommodation I was in was called ‘Nigerian embassy.’ There was a high population of Nigerians on the NDDC scholarship, so that definitely contributed to our numbers.

Oh, we’ve heard about the Nigerian government’s international scholarships, great to know they are still being given out.

Now, I’m being nosy as hell, but what was the dating scene in school?

Funny, I actually don’t know oh. I was barely in school. I had classes just three times a week, so it was very laid back. Most times I was in the city center, shopping. Or eating or maybe getting some work done.

Ehen! That’s why now. I don’t know what Information Systems is about, but they didn’t teach you anything about strategic positioning?

Haha, what is happening?

Sis, that’s why you’re isolating in Abuja and your Denzel is in Manchester chilling somewhere. How would Denzel have found you when you were hiding away from the school campus? Tut tut

That one sef dey oh!

Haha. So let me go away from the men to ask about life in Manchester in general. Wait, you’ve been back in Nigeria how long now?

About two years

Okay. So what do you miss the most about your old stomping ground?

Where to begin? Night life!

Spill!

Look, clubbing abroad is a whole other ball game. Forget Lagos where everyone is trying to out-bottle the next guy. Here, you just take your pints in peace. Nobody’s stressing you. But if you’re about that life, there were Nigerian clubs you could go and shoki in. It was just a great blend.

*Two-minute break into the abyss and wonder when corona will let us do group shokis again*

Sniff, night life is painful to talk about right now. What else did you like about Manchester?

The city centre – there were so many stores to shop from!

Spendinggg

Then restaurants. My favourite was Hawksmoor. The entire deansgate has everything fun – from gay clubs to hotels and fancy restaurants.

And of course everything was convenient. Like you could order food at any time of the day or night. Move about freely with your bus pass or taxi app or even the black cabs. It was just a nice place to be. No two ways about it.

I get it! Now, let’s see how the people of Manchester helped your odds. How would you describe them?

Hmm. I’ll be honest. There was some casual racism.

Disappointed but not surprised

It would be snide comments here and there, nothing too in your face, that you somehow start to second guess that you experienced racism at all. But these weren’t too common. They happened, but it wasn’t an overwhelming experience.

I get that

So there was that population. I never had much to do with the older population and interacted mostly with the millenials. So I have largely positives when remembering my time in Manchester.

Got it. So I have to ask about that 3/10 because it’s paining my soul on your behalf. Who saved that number from being a string 0/10?

That’s how they ask oh. No one asked me out when I was abroad except for this Pakistani guy.

Spill this tea!

So I went indoor skydiving this fine day oh, that’s how…

…Oh no way you’d find any Nigerians doing white people shit like that!

Haha, defs oh! So yeah, he was with his group of friends. He approached me and I was like, this was interesting. It didn’t work out at the end of the day, but it was interesting sha.

Interesting indeed

The truth is, if you’re looking to be with a Nigerian man, they are in high demand outside the country. To get one, you almost have to start moving with white girls to get noticed.

Wow! Really have to hang with the Karens to get Ikechukwu’s notice. Who would have thought?

Funny thing is, I know of people that became active in church. Started posting on their Snapchat and Instagram stories, attending Nigerian parties. But the truth is, Nigerian men are trying to secure their own bag and red passport. You can’t even blame him if he’s looking for a permanent ticket into the country.

Phew. This sounds like stress, good thing you left. So since you returned to Nigeria, what’s that love life been looking like?

Hmm, I’ve been here two years now as it is now oh, Abuja’s dating pool is full to the brim. Abort mission if you’re planning on coming here after the pandemic. I’ve told you.

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
On any given day and twice on Sundays, caring for your natural hair and having it look fairly presentable no be anyhow beans. Throw in caring for your hair in the middle of a pandemic that scares you from outsourcing any parts of your care routine, and you have your work cut out for you.

If you’ve suddenly found yourself thrown into the role of hair guru in this crazy period, we know what that’s all about:

How you watch YouTube videos for the correct steps to take during wash day

Okay pre-poo, section hair. I get it, I get it.

Your bathroom when you’re done mixing up all the honey, eggs and other hair treatment products for your deep conditioning

Who knew this work was so hard?

Sucking at your first attempt to twist your hair and waking up with 8 out of 12 loosened twists

And you people said there’s justice in the world.

How the mess in your room makes you feel after making the terrible decision to comb your hair out and twist it in there.

Who sent you work?

How sad you get when you remember you were playing ten-ten when other girls were learning to braid in the form

See my life on the streets

How you prep yourself the first time you attempt braids

You can do it girl!

The braids when you start them

E for effort
After defeating the little leagues of your siblings stealing your meat and bedwetting at sleepovers, the final evil boss of your childhood was probably having to deal with the menace that is chores.

From graduating from having chore time tables, to being responsible for the cleanliness and order of your own apartment, we can attest 100% that chores are the ghetto and will be forming a We Hate Chores So Much, Make Them Stop Club in protest. Who has a plug at the CAC?

To show how seriously we’re taking this, we made a list of all the reasons chores suck, feel free to add some more in the comments:

The feels when you’re happily playing football in the compound and hearing your mother call you to come and clean the toilet window

If I run away now, they’ll say I’m doing too much.

Breaking the speed of light to sweep the sitting room after hearing your mommy pull up after wasting time all day

Who didn’t do this?

Getting ready to actually cook for the house, then someone tells you to cook for the house

Don’t tell me what to do!

How you feel after picking up one piece of paper that was littering the compound

You deserve the rest

Your clothing options after you refused to do laundry for 37 weeks and all your clothes are in the laundry basket

See your life on the streets

You and your stomach waiting to see who will give up first after refusing to cook

We shall see

When you complain to your friends about hating chores and they advise you to outsource it

In which economy sis?

Living alone and realising your chores won’t do themselves if you don’t get to them

The injustice!

But for real, who has CAC plug for our club? Link us in the comments.
I’ve always suspected the reason I am so trash at dancing but so good at picking the ripest agbalumos is because while they were sharing dancing talents, I was teaching people the right ways to eye the agbalumo to get it sweet.

Since then, I’ve suffered a lot of disgrace in the presence of my friends and family members who like to embarrass me with dance moves, like they narrowly missed being back up dancers on Naira Marley’s crew.

For my fellow dancing duds, I see you, I hear you. I’ve also poorly attempted to electric slide with you. We’ve all experienced at least two of these scenarios. How many have you suffered through:

Dancing like this for slow songs during those birthday parties you went to as a child

Unbreak my heart, show me love me again. 1…2 step.

Getting bounced from birthday party dance competitions, even though you put your all into it when ‘turn me on’ came on

Why were we listening to these songs again?

Pretending you don’t care about all the new dances but secretly practising them in your room

Why is this azonto not clicking. Why isn’t it clicking???

When you’re at the club and they’re having a dance battle, but can only do your own little dance moves on the chair

There’s the shoulder shake, the hand fan, the clap and look away. Underrated moves you know.

Everytime they come up with a new dance

Na wa oh

Your face when you’re at a wedding reception and you see the dance moves the couple have to make before entering the hall

Who thought this was a good idea?

Telling everyone you just want a small wedding. Court preferably because you really don’t want to deal with the stress of doing all that dancing at the ceremony.

Yeah, let’s just do something small. No clapping either okay. Let’s not build any kind of rhythm during the ceremony.

Looking back at the Instagram stories of you and your friends after attempting to bust a move during last night’s rocks

The horror.
Still on my personal lockdown which isn’t ending anytime this year or maybe even next — I have taken to asking my friends the most inane questions every week, to pass the time. Two weeks ago it was if they’d rather have walrus canines for teeth or horse’s feet for legs (Think about it!).

Last week, it was the probability of Nigerians eating aliens before they even get the chance to ask for our supreme leaders (before you say no, remember those whales that got eaten). Now this week, it’s a maybe sixty-something old question that I decided to throw out, simply asking: which day Nigeria go get light? Here’s what they had to say.

Never going to happen – Onyi

That’s it oh. There’s no long talk. It’s just never going to happen. If in the middle of a pandemic, the senate can cut the health budget by almost half, but spend 27 billion on renovating a building that doesn’t need it, then that’s all you need to know. It’s never going to be a pressing enough matter for the government because Nigerians have been coping well enough all these years, why should they use their own small 8 years to solve a national crisis? They have trips to take.

So nope, never going to happen.

It may happen, but not in my lifetime – Damola

The funny thing is, people might say I’m an eternal optimist, but I really think Nigeria is going to get it right one of these days. It’s not going to be in my lifetime, and I’m young (25, for any ladies interested), so nobody should be hoping for 24/7 light as 2021 new year’s gift from the government.

I think the shame of being so far behind might eventually just get to them. If Somalia can have constant electricity, what exactly is our excuse. But then again, for this to work, I have to imagine the government feels shame… see, I don’t actually know about the light thing. Let’s be seeing.

Unless you people have another Nigeria you’re hiding in Cotonou’s back, nope – Femisire

If there’s another Nigeria somewhere in Cotonou, then maybe yes. But as long as it is the Nigerian I’ve spent 26 years living in oh, me, I’m going to tell you for free that you shouldn’t waste your time waiting for the government to give you constant electricity. Get your gen on lock, I heard that solar power isn’t the worst. But if you’re praying for one miracle to touch somebody’s heart to use his flex money, aka tax payer’s money to fix this light issue. Good luck oh.

I 100% believe Nigeria will have constant electricity one day – Tinuke

I’m speaking as a person of faith. Nigeria will have constant electricity one day. I can’t tell you when, it’s hard to give a definite date. But let me tell you, the plans God has for this country will confuse the naysayers and anyone that has spent their lifetimes confused at its current state. Just wait, the turn around is coming.

I’m half and half – Kolawole

Part of me doesn’t think Nigeria will ever get to the point of constant electricity. But the other part is so scared at the reality of us never reaching even that feat, that I have to be hopeful that one day, it will be a reality.

Truthfully, I don’t know that this light issue will ever be be cleared in my lifetime, but I just have to hope that it will be.

What do you guys think?
There are very few things that aren’t better enjoyed when shared. Happiness, good news, problems. Okay, a wrapping of suya might be one exception, but you get the idea.

When it came to flogging in Nigerian secondary schools — and we mean actual Nigerian secondary schools, not those mini-resorts that didn’t believe in violence against children — even that was better shared. Especially with the whole class, or in particularly bad cases, the whole set.

We’ll be focusing on the terror of an all-class members beat down because why not reminisce on past trauma while living through a current one?Enjoy!

How the whole class reacts when the Math teacher tells everybody to stand up to answer the complicated ass question, on a subject he literally just taught

Now how the hell are we supposed to know the square root of a rectangular triangular after three minutes of explanation?

The way the tension builds when the teacher goes row by row, and yet no seat can produce a math champion

I give everyone 5 seconds to answer this question. 5, 4, 3

The way the cane chesters come through after he starts asking students to jump out one by one

We’re sure all the cane chesters that made sure to never react to pain, are living well-adjusted lives now.

Every class had those students that would always run to the back of the other classmates when it came flogging time

Why are you running? Why are you running?

Then there were the special ones that would hold up the flogging queue, using sixty-seven minutes to take two strokes of cane

Move sis, you in deh way!

Every class had fakers. These ones would go to the front of the line and pretend they’ve already been flogged. Theatrics and all

You know the ones

There were those classmates that would have cried for every single class member before even a drop of cane touches their body

Bruh, school was so traumatising.

Then those special students that would wait for the whole class to help them echo that they were sicklers or had an underlying medical condition, so they wouldn’t get flogged

School was traumatising Part 2

But for the really sharp ones, you’d have escaped class the minute the math teacher started asking questions and turned that class into a free period

It’s not me you’ll kill for my mother

Which student were you?
A few hundred years ago, before we all became part of the downright digusting ghetto, that is the adult hood…

… We were all happy-go-lucky children. Our biggest worries learning about the different layers of the ear and trying not to mess up quadratic equations. Those were some good ass times.

Those were also the times we attempted to kickstart our little fashion careers. We put together a list of some of the most notable fashion trends Nigerian secondary school students from 10+ rocked the hell out of and littered the streets of Hi5, Facebook and Bebo with.

Sagging

Were you cool if the world wasn’t one mischievous classmate pulling down your pants, away from meeting your ass crack?

Lip gloss

If your wet lips couldn’t double as cooking oil for food and but practicals, were you even popping?

Plaster on the face

Triple OGs knew what this was about.

Those big face customized belts

Nothing says cool, like your government name sitting pretty on your waist line.

Bedazzled phones

Phew, those flip phones shined their asses off mid 2000s

Handbags for school bags

If this didn’t happen in your set, we will now be separating the Gen Z-ers from the millenials.

All back with zigzag

Alicia Keys, you do not know how you revolutionised aall-back in Nigerian schools girl.

Customised shirts

These were everywhere!

Belt chains on regular uniform trousers

This was for baddies only!
On June 3rd, 2020, smack in the middle of a pandemic that’s kicking even the most advanced countries’ asses — Nigeria, of growing infection numbers and ‘mysterious deaths’, decided to cut its health budget to focus on a more important area: the renovation of its national assembly building with ₦27 bn.

Because where best to write ‘National Ass’ than at the top of a needlessly expensive and deeply unnecessary structure? (Somebody take out the lights oat the National Assembly when it’s completed and make this a thing? Jk, jk👀)

As you may know, no one has really given AF about oil (the bread, butter, bread knife, plate and side dish of the Nigerian economy) for a hot minute. This is because of the coronavirus, whose preventive measures have mandated isolation, leaving people and their gas-guzzling automobiles confined to their homes.

Nigeria and its broke ass, as a matter of urgency had to adjust its budget for the year, because the reduced oil demand automatically translates to reduced earnings. This is how Part 9257 of the Nigerian government’s idiocy came on display.

Last year, the government with the highest percentage of extremely poor people, okayed the renovation of the National Assembly building for ₦35 bn. It was a stupid idea then, and its markdown to ₦27 bn doesn’t change it now.

More enraging is the fact that the health budget, from a could-be-better ₦44 bn, to a downright unforgivable ₦25 billion. Our government, in the middle of a pandemic, whose initial isolation centers had to be largely funded from private hands, decided a ₦19 billion cut was the right move to make?

Thankfully, the amount of Nigerians that think the government has lost the entirety of its mind with this move, full ground. Here are some reactions on Twitter to the health budget cut:

At a time when most Nigerians are seriously struggling with being able to afford everything from FOOD to Healthcare, our National Assembly is going to spend N27 BILLION on "renovations"!

@*$&$;@&@,@,!,!*#&??!!! https://t.co/iOouk48KiH
— Banky Wellington (@BankyW) June 3, 2020

https://twitter.com/MaxxAsari/status/1268255814927749126?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Etweet

https://twitter.com/BellaAlubo/status/1268270652303253506?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Etweet

Oh, did we mention the education budget got a cut from ₦111 bn to ₦51 bn? Budget that we could have shocked by sharing the money for this renovation around key sectors. Nonsense and ingredient.

If you can, let the discontent in your voice be heard. Speak out against the government’s move on social media or anywhere you have some influence and while doing so, go a few decibels higher to spread the word on how #justiceforvictims of rape in Nigeria can be enforced.
When it comes to navigating difficult terrain, there’s nobody better than a Nigerian young adult to make a way out of it.

From learning to dodge slaps, to perfecting the right speech speed and cadence to talk yourself out of a beating, the Nigerian youth is skilled in the art of getting away from the worst circumstances.

Well, that is unless you have -0 fucks to give and you’re ready for all the smoke Nigerian parents and the most judgy of Nigerian aunties can throw your way. Which brings us round to a special section of Nigerian people. The ones with all the mind in the world. If you’re wondering who makes the cut, here’s a list of people whose bravery in their Nigerian homes must come specially sent from the gods, because e no too make sense:

Daring to enter your mother’s sitting room with coloured hair

Doesn’t matter if she’s there or not. Just thinking it’s an okay thing to do is problematic.

Smoking in front of your parents

This does not apply to sometime African giants sha.

Having very obvious tattoos

If you never had to wear a wrist watch to sleep or wear a t-shirt in crazy Nigerian heat to cover your tattoos, you are who we’re talking about.

Rocking leg chains in full view of your Nigerian father

Anyone know what it is about leg chains that gets everyone so worked up?

Dreadlocks. That’s the line

Hmm. In a Nigerian home? Big energy.

Drinking publicly

And we’re even talking about the small stuff. How will Deacon take it if she sees you drinking can Orijin in the roof she was so kind to provide to you?

Sporting obvious piercings

Yeah, we’re going to ask you to give us some of that excess mind you have over there.
We did a ton of dumb shit as tweens and adolescents in school: hit our peers with a rubber band and a piece of paper for ‘fun’. Stuck our thumbs for unsuspecting classmates to sit on ‘as a joke’ (how was dosgbe ever a thing?) and we observed advanced economic concepts in managing our resources. You know, by never tearing our middle sheets for school.

In a bit of a reminiscing mood, we caught up with (and didn’t make up the conversations at all) 4 people who took their middle sheets very, very seriously back in school Here’s what they had to say:

Edward

In case you didn’t know, you are speaking to the CTO of Middle Sheets Inc, a multi-national company that is 100% real, unless you heard something from my LinkedIn contacts which I can explain.

Anyway, my turning point with the sheets came in JSS2, I had to write a make up social studies test with a colleague of mine. Long story short, I had two middle sheets I ~~stole~~ collected from a classmate’s literature note. After refusing to give said colleague one-sheet even though I fully could, my teacher praised me for my resolve, praised me to my principal and from there the UN recognised me for my bravery and diligence and shortly after in SS1, I was given my job as CTO and I’ve been there ever since. It’s been 34 years.

Magdalena

For most people, the middle sheet life ended once they got to the middle of the book and had to start writing over it. Me? I didn’t see things life that. I realised the holiness of the middle sheet and kept it clean.

In SS 2, I had maybe 17 notes for Biology, and this was just for the first term because when I got to that middle, my conscience just couldn’t let me write over the holy sheets. I’d write only in the first half of the book. Do you know how tough it is to carry 36 books for biology alone on open day?

My chiropractor says I’ll one day heal from the back pain, personally, I don’t mind moving around and doing life with a hunch back. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

Jummy

So funny story, I had to take my first semester of 400 level again. I wish I had a dramatic story to narrate, maybe I beat somebody up or told a misogynistic lecturer to suck it — but it was all because I refused to tear my middle sheet for myself during the last test of the semester.

Everyone around me begged me to tear a sheet from my note. *shudders* Some even offered to give me their middle sheets. But I just couldn’t take it. The middle sheet is too special to waste on a life-changing test that was incredibly important to my GPA.

Anyway, I have therapy in five minutes. Any other questions for me?

Divine

Thank you so much for taking the time out to do this interview. I don’t have a lot of friends and hearing another person’s voice that isn’t courtesy an MTN customer care attendant actually feels really good.

So you know how some people refused to tear their middle sheets? I took mine several notches higher. I reported people that tore their middle sheets and made up stories to get them punished.

Writing tests was hard for everyone in my class, they all knew they’d get in trouble if they tore from their notes, but they couldn’t write tests without it. Anyway, let’s thank the Lord for online chat rooms and people who don’t know your gist from secondary school. It gets lonely when they find out though.
Do you show up to the front of the queue last minute because you ‘kept space’? Are you the patient kind? Let’s see.
Let’s get one thing straight, nobody should be re-opening anything in Nigeria with the climbing coronavirus numbers. We can’t believe we have to say this, but here we are.

Starting in the first week of June, churches and mosques around Nigeria will be permitted to re-open their spaces for mass congregation. Now we know Nigerians are some bold troopers, but we will advise, very clearly so our conscience remains clear in this situation:

…at home, where it’s safe

But should you decide that this Sunday everybody and their mother must see your matching ankara dress and mask ensemble, we have an idea of how your day is going to go:

When pastor is about to blow the holy spirit into the room and your face, but you remember how invasive that covid-19 test is:

If you can’t find a no-contact way to pass this spirit, let’s just move it till another date.

How pastors will struggle to think of another way to connect the congregation, because nobody will agree to hi-five their neighbour in these corona times

Maybe air first bumps? What to do, what to do.

Not wanting to touch the offering basket being passed around, but not wanting to seem like a dick by refusing to give it to your neighbour

Should have just sat my bum at home.

How you’ll go to the back of the church, safe and away from everyone to finally express the praise and worship that has been bubbling inside you since lockdown started

I mean, you’re crazy for Jesus, but let’s have sense here.

How you unlook when service ends and the assistant pastor starts encouraging members to visit the homes of those not in church to encourage them to come next week

Inside which pandemic?

Learning patience by force, because it’s not you and corona that will be struggling with everyone trying to leave church at the same time after service

Never have, never will.
It might not always seem like it, but working from home is the type of work my fellow lazys tend to describe as ‘hard’.

Throw in a day filled with that crazy breeze, and those little pitter-patter sounds courtesy the rain hitting the roofs and ground around you, and your day working from home easily goes from a mild category 1 hardness to an alarming 5.

If you’re reading this from the office or are in a little doubt about just how hard working from home can be, we’ve made a whole list to show you that this working from home thing? E no be beans at all:

How you wake up in the morning and try to psych yourself to go to the office i.e the sitting room

Please now, don’t you want salary this month?

Sitting on your bed and contemplating if the query you’ll get from missing work would be so bad

I can bounce back, just small query. What’s there?

When you hear that first sound of thunder and you and your bed start looking at each other like…

Who will win this battle?

Your ginger to work when NEPA does its thing the moment it catches the first sniff of that rain smell in the air

Well, that wasn’t a surprise.

Deciding on a ‘compromise’ and dashing yourself an undeserved hour of sleep on your bed

Self-sabotage is the sweetest kind of sabotage.

Waking up six hours later and scrambling to answer all the work emails

Which kain devil sent me to sleep this sleep?

Trying to get work done, but forgetting yourself and staring out at the rain every two minutes

This battle is no joke.

Last last, congratulating yourself that you don’t have rush hour traffic and rain to deal with

Little blessings
You know, for people who have the hardest time permitting their children to attend sleepovers, inter-state excursions and any program not designed for the church or mosque, Nigerian parents are awfully trusting when their children decide an education abroad is what they want to spend a few years of their lives pursuing.

And when it comes to the holy trinity of Nigerian parent dreams for their children’s futures – engineers, lawyers and doctors, you can be sure The US, The UK and Ukraine will get no objections from Daddy Junior when those international school brochures start landing in the mail. Which brings us round to Ukraine.

If you’re Nigerian, you may have noticed an interesting uptick in your younger peers and family members, uploading pictures to their socials with an abroad-looking sky (you know what I mean), and a location tag that says ‘Ukraine’. More often than not, this peer is usually in the Ukraine to study medicine, contributing to the country’s notoriety as a medical education destination.

But should you spend your coins investing in a medical education in Ukraine? We investigated. But first, a little about Ukraine.

What exactly is Ukraine’s gist?

Ukraine is a large country in Eastern Europe, with a population of over 41 million people. Interestingly, the Ukranian population has experienced a steady dip. In 2013, their number were a little above 44 million, but high emigration and death rates, with a confounding low birth rate have contributed to its steady decline.

The people of Ukraine speak Ukranian as a first language, while some native speakers know Russian as a second language. So if you’re planning on moving there, now is not the time to ignore DuoLingo’s very manipulative practice prompts.

The country is fairly young, knowing independence for just 29 years and it is bordered by 7 countries – Russia, Belarus, Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, Romania and Moldovia.

Now that you know a little Ukranian trivia, let’s hop on to the question any aspiring medical student would want to know

Why should I spend my coins on a Ukranian medical education?

Let’s make this simple. You already know the exchange rates of the Naira to the Dollar and Pound, so no need to rehash horror stories. The Ukranian Hryvnia however, goes for an interesting ₴1 to 14 Naira. Now look at these stats.

Average medical tuition fees in the US: $37,556 (public, in-state) to $62,194 (public, out-of-state)

Average medical tuition fees UK: £20,590 per year for the first two years, then over £40,000 for years 3, 4 and 5 for non-EU students i.e you.

Average medical tuition fees Ukraine: around $4000 – $4500 for studying in English and even cheaper in Russian or Ukranian (again, double up on DuoLingo hustle).

Put simply, with a Ukranian medical degree, you enjoy the benefits of being able to apply for a medical job anywhere in the world, for a sizable fraction of the cost.

Also important is the fact that admission into Ukranian medical schools does not require entrance examinations, a big deal when you consider that foreign counterparts like the US require the MCAT (Medical College Admission Test), likewise the UK’s UKCAT (United Kingdom Clinical Aptitude Test).

Not so shabby, no? We’ll see.

What else is great about Ukraine?

Its cost of living

Ukraine is a relatively cheap place to live, emphasis on the relative. To get a decent accommodation, fully furnished in places other than its capital Kiev like Chenrnihiv, Lviv, Rivne, can set you back around $250-$400 per month. While housing in its capital- Kiev can cost around $400-$600 per month.

This relative low cost stretches to its services, like haircuts, tailoring, manicures, shoe repairs.

The Ukranian transport system

Ukraine is navigable via trolleybus, tram, bus and in some parts, metros. These costs are also relatively low with a bus, metro or trolleybus ride within the city averaging around 8 UAH or ₦112.

The Ukranian Instagram flex is unmatched

Ukraine is full of historical sites which in millenial speak translates to hella Instagrammable spots.

Ukraine is home to 7 UNESCO world heritage sites, gorgeous cathedrals like Saint Sophia’s in Kiev. Museums, a dolphinarium and plenty historical buildings.

What’s not so great about Ukraine?

First off, Eastern Ukraine has spent the better part of the last six-years embroiled in a crisis. As of April 2020, the UN estimated that 3.4 million Ukranians were in need of humanitarian assistance. This means that a large portion of the country is displaced and in the middle of cripplng conflict.

I don’t know how else to put this but, racism and xenophobia are so entrenched in the Ukranian culture, it has its own Wikipedia page.

A quick scan through Nairaland, discussions with past inhabitiants of Ukraine and a simple Google search will reveal some overt and covert instances of racism in the country.

From locals giving non-locals a wide berth in public transportation, to targeted police attacks on immigrants. Worthy of note is that the Ukranian police is also notoriously corrupt and prone to asking and recieving bribes It is unrelenting and a scary situation to be in.

What Should I know about studying in Ukraine?

If you are undeterred by the bad,and wish to pursue an education in Ukraine, you should know:

Admission is gotten courtesy agents or contractors

As mentioned earlier, no admission examinations are required for medicine or engineering courses. However, a small business, based off of cheating aspiring students of their money, with no admission to show for it is brewing. Extra care should be taken to source admission from only well known agents.

There are English-speaking schools in the region

Learning Ukranian or Russian isn’t a prerequisite, as teaching programs allow for English language learning. However, a quick ask around revealed that some of the University tutors may not be entirely proficient in the English language, leading many students to source for translations to academic teachings on their own.

Visa requirements

You’re going to need to meet the following requirements before a Ukranian visa can be granted to you: an admission letter, valid passport, birth certificate, passport photograph, sponsorship letter, sponsor’s ID, sponsor’s bank statement, visa fee payment receipt, travel insurance, flight reservation, school leaving certificate and medical certificate.

Verdict?

Ukraine is a great, relatively priced country to gain quality education. However, this experience can be marred by the social and poltical challenges the country is currently grappling with. The choice is yours to determine if these circumstances will serve as a deterrent or no.
‘Southern Kaduna’, ‘Fulani Herdsmen’ – are currently trending. If you’ve spent any time looking through the Nigerian social media space over the past few days, you may have noticed chatter about a possible massacre currently happening in Southern Kaduna.

https://twitter.com/AdesuaEtomiW/status/1265972189146349569

On May 26th, Sahara Reporters revealed how a 12-year-old-boy fought off suspected herdsmen attackers in a village in Southern Kaduna.

According to the report, the child bravely fought off attackers as they attempted to hack his father. Thankfully, father and son survived the ordeal, and are receiving care in a hospital for the grievous injuries sustained.

Tragically however, other victims of the attack weren’t fortunate to tell the tale. The attacked child’s mother, some family members and at least three other people within the following villages of Southern Kaduna: Idazau, Etissi, Bakin Kogi, Dutsen Gora, UN Gora, Pushu Kallah and Magunguna, which Sahara Reporters states were killed by suspected Fulani herdsmen. Also affected were 78 people who were injured, 607 houses which were destroyed and 231 cows which were allegedly stolen.

While these are truly horrific and unacceptable circumstances to experience, especially in the midst of a global pandemic, very little is to be found on the Southern Kaduna attacks in the Nigerian mainstream press. Noting the lapse, Nigerians on social media, particularly Twitter have taken up digital arms, to fire the alarm on the happenings.

The endless attacks in Southern Kaduna are condemnable. No land, or revenge or whatever it is, is a good enough justification for the continuous slaughter of innocent souls. This sort of barbaric attacks on villages and communities should have been a thing of the past.
— Dr Dípò Awójídé (@OgbeniDipo) May 28, 2020

There's a lack of concern for the plight of the people of Southern Kaduna, both shown by the Presidency and the Governor of Kaduna State.

And this is wrong, to put it mildly
— Onye Nkuzi (@cchukudebelu) May 28, 2020

Southern Kaduna is trending over an apparent mass killing, and this is one too many. Northern Governors’ Forum need to come together to tackle this spate of killings across the region. These bandits, “unknown gunmen,” and whatnots are only exploiting our compromised security.
— Gimba Kakanda (@gimbakakanda) May 28, 2020

The Nigerian government is yet to put out a statement, deploy security forces or in any way tangentially address the situation in Kaduna State. We wait to see how their reaction can save lives in the state and we can only pray that our combined voices can make a difference in bringing attention to the plight of those within the region.

Please share, comment and lend a voice to the ongoing conversation.
So far, every month in 2020 has given us its version of an uppercut to the jugular. We’ve lost Kobe and Gigi, a global pandemic broke out, we’ve had to stay isolated, murder hornets came back (then left?) and for May’s champion – repeated vile and racist attacks against black people in the US. John Boyega is 100% against these attacks and he’s letting everyone and their racist grandma, know so.

Three deaths too many — the month of May saw the killing (amongst many not brought to mass awareness) of Breonna Taylor, Ahmad Aubery and George Floyd, whose tragic, inhumane and downright unforgivable murder was captured on tape.

The Star Wars actor, fed up with the incessant killings of blacks in the hands of racist white people, let his feelings be known in a tweet that has now been liked by over a million people.

https://twitter.com/JohnBoyega/status/1265548180256698370

Now you would think no possible argument could be made against an obviously black man, calling out the repeated murder and ill-treatment of black people in the hands of racist whites, but it’s a weird world and we’re stuck living in it, pandemic and all.

Thankfully, the black man blood John Boyega is chock full of, refused to be deterred by the many people who insisted that he qualify his statement for who the hell knows what reasons. In a delightful tirade that pleased the petty queen within me, Boyega took his time to respond to trolls who thought anything other than the needless, mind-boggling murder of people based solely on the colour of their skin, should be the focus of everyone’s anger.

https://twitter.com/JohnBoyega/status/1265701960134602752

And for the people at the back who may have missed it on Twitter, John Boyega also took to Instagram, in a live session to let his feelings about racists, racist killings and needless hate be known.

https://twitter.com/sansdn/status/1265711524561084418

What’s even better? His mom, just like the good people of Zikoko and any one with half a thinking brain, is absolutely proud of the super star actor for taking a bold and needed stand against disgusting colour-based violence.

https://twitter.com/JohnBoyega/status/1265700071708000256

And anyone who doesn’t like that? May the force neglect your sorry ass.
There are a few things we’ve all been told to never speak about in public. Money, our good looks and Davido’s verse in The Money.. .

That said however, when it comes to the matter of our good looks, it’s a bit of a shame it’s regarded as tasteless to go on and on about it. I mean, last last, your face is fine, nothing you can do about it. And your drip? It’s impeccable, how do you not flex with that?

Because we know your pain and we want you to feel seen by more people than your closest friend’s list on Instagram, we’re dedicating a whole post to all our special vain ass readers, we’re pretty sure this is how life is for you on most days. You’re seen and you’re welcome.

When you get bored, your usual solution is to take fire pictures of yourself to ease it

436 pictures after, you’re less bored and you have a new display picture for your WhatsApp, yay.

There’s no two-way mirror you’ve met that you didn’t like

Abi we lie?

Talking to your friend on FaceTime, but the whole time our face is blown up and they’re the little rectangle

Again, show us where we lied.

When your friends post snaps on your night out and you keep replaying, just to watch the part where you show

… see fine boy now

When you plan an outfit in your head and it turns out exactly how you imagined

Versace will not see me to hire now oh.

When you wear a fire outfit for an event, but you feel like not enough people have seen you so you start forming activity

‘Ahan Jude, I haven’t seen you since yesterday, let me walk across the podium (so everybody can see me) and come to your side’

How you fight the urge on your friend’s birthday to post a picture where you look cuter than them

Must.not.let.my.vanity.win.

When they’re naming the best dressed/finest people in the faculty and you have to start forming unlooking, but e sure you die you’ll be chosen

If I don’t win this, who will?

Your face when they give the award to someone with less drip than you

… They probably didn’t want it to be too obvious.
Is it cheating? Or an unforgivable amount of selfishness? Take the quiz and find out!
The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.

In January 2020, Kay — awesome writer over at TechCabal, (Zikoko’s sister publication) spent a month in South Asia, touring the borders between Bangladesh and India.

In preparing for this interview, I spent an inordinate amount of time getting lost in Bangladeshi cuisine, using maybe all of 3 minutes to learn about everything else (JK. Do not try this in your Zoom interviews at home kids).

Kay shares her experience as a woman traveler and tells us all the ways Bangladesh is indeed, Lagos’ long lost South Asian cousin.

For my first question, I’m going to sound like a raging Nigerian politician, because I’m only focusing on my stomach. But, I got into a Morog Palao rabbit hole when I was em.. researching for our interview, and my life hasn’t been the same since. What is the Bangladeshi food culture like?

So this is interesting. If you walk into a Bangladeshi restaurant, it’s going to be a little rare to see anyone eating alone. They’re very communal about meal times.

As someone who is currently leaning towards the ‘chop alone, live forever’ movement, this is interesting. Please go on.

So while I was there, I always noticed they had some type of buffet going on. If you’re ordering food, they wouldn’t bring you like a plate of rice and stew to eat. Nope.

They’d bring a large bowl that has rice, lots of rice… for everyone to share. Then, that would come with all these other things, for you to serve yourself with. Oh, and you eat everything with your hands there.

Nigerian boarding school students will read about this serve yourself meal system, and wonder how anybody can be so reckless!

And tea! They take a lot of tea. It’s called ‘cha’. They take it morning, noon, night. Whenever, wherever. It’s also a welcoming treat, if you’re visiting a home, they’d serve you tea. That kind of thing.

Besides water, it’s the second most consumed liquid in Bangladesh, and they serve it everywhere!

The same way you’d see puff-puff sellers on the streets of Lagos, is the same way you’d see people selling tea in Dhaka (The Bangladesh city capital). Also, they take a lot of sweet things.

Sold! My sweet tooth and I will be on the first plane to Bangladesh when this whole virus situation is done with. Which way to the visa office and can I pay in cash?

Haha. Well, in addition to sweet things, there’s a lot of bread and spicy sauce in their diet – cinnamons, curries and what not. But you’ll eat bread and rice die!

I got tired of that. There’s also a wide variety of fruit. There are cherries, pomegranates. Just so many options. Now about that visa…

*Whips out notepad plus anointing oil to pray for the end of the virus*

Well, for the visa, I didn’t handle any of that. I’m part of an art organisation – Invisible Borders Trans-African Photography Organisation and we were invited for a project in Bangladesh, examining its borders with India.

Ah, I see. My next question was going to be how you decided on Bangladesh

Yeah. So with the organisation, I wasn’t really involved in the visa process. That was handled by the project manager, but I do know he had to go to Abuja to handle all of that.

*Adds travel to Abuja sometime in 2020 for Bangladesh visa inquiries to reminder*

So when you touched down in Bangladesh, what was the most overwhelming feeling? What’s an unmissable first impression you get at the airport?

You know what? I’d have to say it feels like you just landed at an extended wing of the Murtala Muhammed Airport in Lagos. It feels like you just landed in Lagos.

*Burns notepad* *Cancels reminder* *Forgets Bangladesh travel plans *

Wow. Girl I am so sorry! I am so sorry you got played! How did you go around the world, only to wind up in a place just like the one you left?

It’s funny because when I first landed at the Shahjalal International Airport, I noticed how similar the arrangements were. The way you queue, the maneuvering, people using tape to tag their luggage. It was so similar, it was actually fascinating.

That same disorderliness in Lagos is there. There was a huge crowd when we got to the airport.

This japa problem is everywhere sha

Ha! We spent a few hours at the airport. Some of it was just delays you’d expect, the rest was racial profiling. Myself, my travel companions, some Ugandans and another man from an African country, got pulled out of the queue to get our visas and passports confirmed. So that happened.

Really? Bangladesh too wants to form? Okay sha…

Oh and one interesting thing before I go back to the similarities. If you’re black in Bangladesh, you will get a lot of stares. A lot.

It’s kind of like how in earlier years, white people in Nigeria would get a lot of attention, regardless of who they were? Here, we got people that stared us down all the time. We were actual spectacles. It was the most interesting thing.

This your trip was a trip, no lies

So the similarities again. The traffic! Lord. There were constant standstills, trying to maneuver your car. That same Lagos craziness? It was all there.

Have I said how sorry I am you jammed Lagos part 2 in this trip? Because???

What made it even more hilarious was that they have all sorts of transport contraptions in Bangladesh. So you’re dragging the road with regular cars, buses, bicycles, motorbikes, kekes. Then you have rickshaws. When I went sightseeing in Old Dhaka, I literally saw a horse chariot.

There is no way you saw a horse chariot in 2020, Kay. No way. We will fight over this phone.

See now…

Yeah, I have to go to Bangladesh now!

But beyond the airport and the traffic and the craziness. It’s just the constant hustle and bustle and crowds similar to Lagos. You get that whole vibe complete in Bangladesh.

I hear that. So now I’m intrigued about the people of Bangladesh and if they’re operating on the same wavelength as my fellow crazies in Lagos. What were your immediate impressions of the Bangladeshi people?

Hmm. So once you get past all the staring and being the object of the day, you’d notice that the Bangladesh people are incredibly warm. The strangers go out of their way to help. Easy example, while we were travelling from one stop to another, some of us needed to use the restroom.

Mind you, we were a team of four from the organisation (3 Nigerians and 1 Belgian). The project also had 4 Bangladeshi photographers. Usually, we’d find a gas station to pee, but there wasn’t one available for the next mile. Our companions said they’d stop at any house and ask if it was possible to use the rest room. I laughed and thought they were joking.

True true, we parked at a random house. They spoke to an elderly lady who agreed to have us use her restroom. It was the most welcoming thing ever.

Fruits in the countryside

The Nigerian in me is stuck on all the ways things could have gone wrong for the old lady, but that’s an incredibly sweet story. Great to know some kindness still remains in the world. And their dressing? How’s the Bangladeshi drip?

Well, when it comes to dressing, there’s a lot of traditional garb. Especially when you start moving away from the capital Dhaka, to the countryside. People wear these traditional outfits called Kameez, a kaftan with trousers that reach your ankles. They wear a lot of saris too. There was an art summit we participated in, guests were constantly trooping in in their saris. So there’s a lot of traditional wear in Bangladesh.

Got it. Now I know Bangladesh is very traditional and there isn’t a strong female presence in its affairs, what did you notice about gender representation during your trip?

So there was this Zikoko article about a housewife that kind of reflects the position I noticed a lot of Bangladesh women are in. In some parts of Dhaka, and the further away you go from it towards the countryside, you’ll notice that there are rarely women on the road. My Bangladeshi colleague told me it was because women are usually left to cater to the home. The women are expected to shelf their dreams and take care of their families most of the time.

Oh wow

But, I’ll say things are changing. I had two Bangladeshi women with me, photographers. Eery where we went, people would ask ‘where are you from?’ Like how did your husband/father let you out? That kind of thing.

But they’re breaking the status quo. The prime minister is a woman, the leader of the opposition party is a woman. There’s still a big-gender imbalance, but it’s changing.

Oh wait, this brings me to another similarity with Lagos.

A parrot at a tea resort

Let’s hear it!

Politics! The usual ruckus of violence during election campaigns. We were in Bangladesh until the first of February, and before that time, they held Mayoral elections, our equivalent of a governorship election. It was the Nigerian blueprint.

There was a riot after elections, the opposition party accused the leading party of rigging, people stoning voters. That kind of chaos

Oh Lord. When will this end? Embarrassing political antics to the side however, there is one ultimate way to know if Bangladesh really is like Lagos.

And what’s that?

The nightlife. How does Bangladesh throw it down?

Well first off, they do not drink alcohol over there, it’s prohibited and you’d have to …

F9! It is not like Lagos, let’s wrap it up!

Haha. But yeah, you need a special pass to purchase or drink alcohol. In my experience, the Bangladesh favour mostly hangouts and house parties. Just small clusters of friends, that kind of thing. But I’d say I didn’t stay long enough to really figure out their social scene.

Tut tut.

But thinking about it, I have another question about women experiences in Bangladesh. How was your experience as a female traveller?

So there was something I noticed when we were doing our border rounds. We were usually paired with a Bangladeshi team mate who could speak Bengali, so they’d act as interpreter while doing their own work. I realised people were always asking the translator if I was married. Marriage and family are big deals for them.

Ah yes, the Nigerian similarity pops out again

But in terms of security, I felt relatively safe because we had male companions, so there wasn’t a lot of interference. But from what I have heard and seen in the news, the universal female experience applies. Don’t walk alone at night, be constantly wary, that kind of thing. It’s the same there.

Sigh. Just existing as a woman is exhausting.

Would you return to Bangladesh though?

It is exhausting. But yes, I would return to Bangladesh given the opportunity. I’d find a way to get over the tiredness of eating bread and rice all the time. But it’s a great place to visit, absolutely.

Last question has to be the most mundane thing that happened and the most riveting thing that happened to you on this trip

Well, haha. I have to talk about this. So I had a wig on, and a lady stopped me to ask if it was my hair. I told her no, it wasn’t and she got so upset. ‘Why would I be wearing someone else’s hair?’ She couldn’t understand it. That was interesting.

Ah! Wait till she finds out braids aren’t actually our hair

Then the most riveting thing definitely has to be getting our photographs taken everywhere. I have no idea what Facebook groups why pictures ended up in or really why they were so fascinated by us, since a lot of Nigerians actually school in Bangladesh. But it was definitely an interesting experience.

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
Can you think of anything worse than living to stunt and having very few people to witness your drip in person?

If you’ve been alive for the past few months, then you’ve definitely been in some type of lockdown, isolation or quarantine because of the virus. Your eyebrows have probably grown out. Little children can definitely swing from your leg hairs and don’t even get me sytarted on your hairline. A travesty.

Which is why, if you have a tiny helping of a conscience within you, you’ll spare a thought for a group of people especially hit by the measures we’ve all had to adopt – the fashionistas. Think of what they have to go through

Getting dressed up with nowhere to go but Instagram

Imagine the injustice.

Missing the looks of envy when you walk into any setting dressed to kill these hoes

Who’s going to use side-eye to gauge my outfit at home now? My mommy?

Getting dressed up, make-up too just to sit down at home and watch Prison Break season 1 – 74

But is it fair to them?

Using WAEC seriousness to prepare for all the big clothing challenges on social media

Bop Daddy challenge? Check. Don’t Rush? Check. That one where you flex with one item of clothing you have in abundance? Triple check.

Waiting patiently for another challenge you can jump on because they have to feel your fineness somehow on these streets.

What’s up TikTok?

How they’ll prepare for the first event, the moment they say streets are safe to go outside again

You already know.
I can’t remember what movie I gained my psychology degree from, but I do remember one of the theories I’ve been able to come up with, which is that obsessively neat people, become so, because there’s usually so much chaos around them, they cling to, and arrange the few things that are within their control.

Living in a dysfuntional country? Make sure your clothes stay fitted. Your house a jungle to live in? Ensure your room is paradise. Boarding school a terror to get through? Keep your side of the dorm super neat. It makes sense when you think about it.

If you’re wondering if you make the cut as a super neat freak, look through this list to see if any of it clicks with your lifestyle:

How you look at anyone in primary school, when they step on your socks after a whole day of holy whiteness

You’re lucky my hands are too tiny to wield an axe just right now.

Doing the most and using everything but a ruler to tidy your bed in boarding school

We all know somebody like this

Losing your mind when you come back from class to see someone had sat on your bed and attempted to tidy it

‘WHO SAT ON MY BED?’

Getting a visitor at home and trying not to lose your shit when they don’t assemble the supplies in your bathroom the way you left them

After they’ll say I’m a bad person if I don’t let people into my house.

Arranging all the labels in your fridge to face one way and someone visiting disorganising your efforts

If I start cursing people now, they’ll say I’m an extremist.

Hiring a cleaner and doing double their work after they leave because you’re still unsatisfied

If you want to get something done…

When you get into a relationship with someone and they think it’s ‘cute’ to just leave their load anyhow in.your.house.

Which kain problem be this?

Fighting the urge to straighten people’s clothes when they go outside frumpy

Let me just help you do your collar

So, are you a neat freak?
For the most part, Ghana and Nigeria share a peaceful relationship. Nigeria exports its banging afrobeats, Ghana washes it down with its infinitely easy on the ears highlife. We ping and pong between both locations for December rocks and chummily refer to each other as ‘chale’ and ‘oga’ from across the border. It’s all love on both sides.

Or it is, until you bring up that which must not be spoken about on social media – j*llof rice.

Because we’re all for world peace and honestly there are so many other foods to focus on (j.rice stans please don’t come for us), here’s a list of awesome, less polarising meals both West African states share:

Roasted meat

What Ghanaians call ‘Chichinga’, Nigerians wack with yaji pepper and a healthy serving of sliced onions.

Buff loaf

Or puff-puff to the country currently exchanging 69 of its Naira for one Cedi.

Ankara

We may fight over rice grains and make fun of our accents, but Nigerins and Ghanaians have to agree akara/koose is bomb enough to maybe stand as our truce meal when the jollof wars hit tyre streets? Maybe?

Roasted plantain

The friendliest crescent shape you’ve ever seen can be spotted on many street corners between Nigeria and Ghana. Popularly referred to as ‘boli’ in Nigeria, you’re going to call out it’s full government name Kofi Brokeman in Ghana.

Akota

Why argue over jollof when we have blessed egusi you bond with? Nigerians and Ghanaians enjoy this melon seed soup in any area code!

Fufu

So good, it’s name didn’t change when it was being pimped across both countries. A unifying meal, we stan.

Did we miss any? What meals are shared between both countries
It is time to take the ultimate test and shame the haters. What kind of foodie are you really?
Since December 2019, the whole world has been reeling from a bad hand, which has now extended to a chokehold, courtesy the coronavirus.

With the symptoms of COVID-19 taking varying degrees of seriousness, from a dry cough to tiredness, to more significant indicators like conjunctivitis, the loss of smell and a great difficulty breathing, a cure or vaccine to the coronavirus couldn’t come a day too soon.

Currently, there is no known or widely accepted vaccine to the coronavirus. However, these companies are showing promise with their discoveries:

Moderna

This Massachusetts based biotechnology company is showing real promise in the lead to find a coronavirus vaccine.

In data that was published on May 18th, 2020, the company announced that eight participants of its vaccine test on humans, showed increased levels of antibodies, similar or greater than those in recovered covid-19 patients following low and medium doses of its vaccine

This suggests that the Moderna vaccine triggers some level of immunity.

The University of Oxford

While human testing remains ongoing, the University of Oxford could provide up to 30 million doses of its coronavirus vaccine by September, should it have a successful run.

Called ChAdOx1 nCoV-19, researchers at the Oxford Vaccine Group began testing in April 2020, to see whether healthy people could be protected from the vaccine.

Sorrento Therapeutics

This US-based company announced in Mid-May that its antibody-drug has been effective during early testing, in completely blocking the virus that causes COVID-19. They also claim it could be effective in preventing infection.

However, it could be months before we see this product in the market, as clinical trials to determine its effectiveness and the right dosage to implement in curbing the virus.

Pfizer

In early May, Pfizer began human trials on an experimental coronavirus vaccine. The vaccine is meant to produce proteins in the body that can trigger an immune response to combat the new coronavirus in people who contract the virus.

The company plans to test different versions of the vaccine and will move forward with the version that produces the safest and strongest results.

CanSino Biologics

This China-based company is another with coronavirus vaccines undergoing clinical trials.

Referred to as Ad5-nCoV, the vaccine is currently passing through trials in Canada and has been approved by the country’s Prime Minister – Justin Trudeau.

While these vaccines are showing great promise at a time where every glimmer of hope is appreciated, it could be a while before they are safe for mass production and use. Our best bets right now, are to continue safe practices like hand washing, social distancing and isolation, to beat the virus.
Is there anything more annoying than wanting to be left alone, planning your day around that time, but enemies deciding that’s when they want to hatch their plans against you?

We know all about it, and honestly, our condolences. If your alone time has ever been interrupted as seen in any of these scenarios, there’s a big Zikoko hug waiting for you:

Finally leaving work. Jamming the new Naira Marley, enjoying quiet time with your president, and a crazy in the next lane decides to cut you off.

Why, why, why?

When you’re heartbroken and using the darkness in your room to cover your tears and your mom remembers she needs you to buy ogi in the next compound.

Why can’t we be left alone?

Playing FIFA and finally beating your guy 3-1 when your girlfriend walks in, asking why ‘TFC Surulere delivery’ was texting you last night.

Um.. what?

Listening to music alone, but stopping right when the bass is about to drop because your dad keeps needing remote assistance in the sitting room.

But is that fair?

After you’ve suffered alone in the kitchen, wanting to balance, eat and watch your favourite TV show, when your roommate suddenly wants to ‘hang out’

This just isn’t fair.

Waiting patiently for the office toilet to empty out when 5 women, 2 children and a big chicken walk in for a discussion.

What manner of stress?
It’s a new week and Monday, perpetual bad vibes giver and our constant reminder of how short the weekend is, is back on his BS. As usual. Men.

Now, even though we’ve called him out in the last, like most Yoruba men, Monday has refused to act right, and for that reason, we will be telling him outright, what it is we need his dusty ass to stop doing:

Stop cutting our weekends short

coronavirus

We could have sworn we still had 12 hours of Saturday left. Go away!

Stop taking so long to leave.

How did I start work at 9 AM, four hours ago, and it’s just now 9:10AM? How?

Stop bringing work with you!

Did we tell you we wanted an end to relaxation? Don’t provoke us to anger please.

Can he not pollute the air with seriousness!

Next thing, it’s ‘unethical’ to do shots in the office on a Monday. Don’t show up hungover on a Monday morning. Buzzkill.

Bringing crazy traffic with him

What law made it that Mondays must come eurgh ridiculous traffic and how do we repeal it? Serious answers only in the comments.
Have you ever been so scared for someone’s conscience, intercessory prayer starts hungrying you?

Since May 7th, my recurring prayer point and the universal leader Governor of Rivers State – Nyesom Wike has seized and auctioned off over 20 civilian cars, convicted over 170 people and demolished 2 hotel buildings in his state. These were carried out in furtherance of the strict statewide coronavirus lockdown imposed in Rivers State. Never mind that many rely on daily trade to survive, and inadequate provisions were made for the extended lockdown period.

While we are no closer to understanding why Governor Wike is working so hard to snatch the Villain of the Year 2020 award from the coronavirus, we can attempt to piece things together by examining his actions of the past week:

The local government closures

As one of the safety measures to be implemented for the Rivers State lockdown, Governor Wike ordered the closure of the Port Harcourt/Obior Akor local government areas of the state. These local government areas house the highest population of people and trade within the state.

What this means is ⁠— while the rest of the country and most of the world are attempting to re-open their economies following weeks of lockdown, the traders in the most business heavy districts of Rivers State have more days of financial insecurity ahead of them, as they largely rely on daily sales for sustenance.

170 people convicted for breaking the lockdown restrictions

When people are willing to brave the threat of a deadly virus (for reasons beyond haircut rights), it definitely begs the question of what could possibly scare them more. The answer? Hunger.

Rather than empathise with a people who spent the better parts of five weeks cooped up at home, their livelihoods most likely affected by the mere mention of a further lock down, Governor Wike instead chose to arrest them.

With the help of the Special mobile court, 170 persons were on May 7th arrested in Rivers State and convicted of the offence of breaching the mandated lockdown, they were also made to pay fines of up to ₦50,000.

Rivers State auctioned their cars off too!

As if staring a sure recession in the face isn’t bad enough, imagine doing so minus the convenience of your trusty car. Can you imagine having to buy a car in this economy?

Maybe Governor Wike’s imagination isn’t working this month, because in further punishment for flouting the lockdown rules, the governor ordered that 20 cars used in transporting violators be auctioned off. He really went through with it too.

Governor Wike demolished two hotels for violating lockdown rules

Show me a less commensurate punishment for an offence this May and I’ll eat that nasty sushi you all pretend to like.

For violating the lockdown restrictions barring hotels from operating without the government’s say so, Governor Wike did the very rational thing of demolishing two structures – Edemete Hotel and Prodest Hotels. In true sociopathic fashion, he made a personal appearance during their respective destructions.

Nigeria is currently grappling with an isolation centre shortage btw. Just wanted everyone to remember that.

So let’s see. We have a poorly planned, very strict lockdown imposed following weeks of nationwide restrictions. Punishment meted out to Nigerians abandoned to their devices for sustenance in the midst of a pandemic. Further impoverishing citizens by taking away their vehicles and auctioning them off in the face of a could-be depression and the no-other-way-to-put-it, but manic destruction of hotel buildings, all in Rivers State.

As it is, rather than fulfill campaign promises, Gov. Wike is working hard to make sure he remains the reason many Rivers natives are looking to the sky, muttering ‘do fast and come down’. We are now past the point of asking what’s happening in Rivers State, we need to know who’s going to stop it.
The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.

For reasons best known to me (I’m bored, wistful and stir crazy, stuck at home with two sexagenarians), I have been dutifully spending a large percentage (I can’t say how large, this is a work post) of my day, researching the first few abroads I plan on living in when this whole ordeal is over.

Would I go to Grenada? Where the beaches are surreal, the skies sublime and my chances of securing an island ting are increased by at least 200%.

Do I try out The UK? They gave us the English breakfast. I love their little accents when they rap tough and say ‘telly’. There’s also the gift of Adele.

But then again, their Prime Minister initially discounted the severity of the coronavirus. Since I’m basing a lot of my future journies on countries I’d be happy to be stuck in during a pandemic, I’m going to give the EU’s now removed family member, a hard pass.

Which brings me to Hong Kong. Since the start of the outbreak, I’ve noted three countries that made me wistful for exemplary leadership in a time of crisis – New Zealand, South Korea and Hong Kong. Now while I’ll eventually get to New Zealand and South Korea, I must now touch on the goodness that is Hong Kong.

Why Should You Visit Hong Kong?

Because this is more or less a journal entry for me, this title originally said ‘Why should Boyin visit Hong Kong?’, but that’s bad for SEO or whatever my editor always hammers into my head.

That said, Hong Kong is great and not so great for a number of reasons. Taking advantage of Obasanjo’s internet all the way from Lagos, here are the pros and cons of life in Hong Kong, I discovered from surprisingly detailed research:

Pros of Life in Hong Kong

Convenient public transportation

For someone who lives in a state whose transport options are road, more road, and maybe the occasional ferry (if you’re brave enough for it), a country with a multi-option transport system is pretty great.

They have subways (The MTR), a tram system that goes around the island, a ferry system that comes at a very reduced cost.
Buses with multiple routes. Trains, minivans, coaches and taxis (Ubers too!) ,which run efficiently for a large part of the day.

If that isn’t enough, Hong Kong is a major transit hub, you can go on tours to China, Thailand, Vietnam, Korea and Japan etc.

The Octopus Card

It might not have 8 tentacles, but the Octopus card’s functions are many numbered. With this card, you can not only access the entirety of Hong Kong’s transit system – buses, trains, trams, taxis etc; you can also use it to pay for groceries as well.

Can you imagine never needing to haggle with the conductor over your ₦50 change he’s trying o commandeer? Just imagine.

They speak a lot English!

If you’re English speaking and you’re thinking of making the move or visiting Hong Kong, you can save yourself the stress yourself watching YouTube language videos or getting harassed by my arch nemesis, Duo the owl on DuoLingo.

Most of Hong Kong has dual signage in both English and Cantonese. Service staff in shopping malls can also speak in English. English is almost as widely spoken as their native languages.
However, for life in more rural areas like Kowloon or The New Territories, learning little Cantonese could be helpful.

Hong Kong has a great outdoors scene

Guys, there’s greenery. They have parks (parks!) of all shapes and sizes.
Their landscape allows for hiking and there are beaches. Accessible ones too! You probably won’t need to bribe a tout to let you and your friend in, for ₦1200 in the afternoon. Must be nice.

Safety

I read about Hong Kong’s great public safety from multiple sources. However, I stays woke, and you would probably do well to follow that. You can never be too careful. Mace is ace is my watchword!

Cons of Living in Hong Kong

Using the same argument I employ to explain why my seafood okra doesn’t slap as hard as my efo, everything can’t be good.
This is why, for all its plus sides, living in Hong Kong can be a bit of a downer.

Here are the cons of Living in Hong Kong.

Hong Kong is crowded

Hong Kong is small with a large and growing population of around seven million. It’s bound to be crowded. If you’re really against crowds, make sure to avoid areas like Central, Mong Lol, Trim shua Tsui which are the most densely populated parts of Hong Kong.

Work hours are crazy

Bruh, if you’re looking to work here, all the best. The traditional 9-5 doesn’t quite cut it in Hong Kong. From what I read, the people of Hong Kong work very hard and also want to maintain the illusion of doing so. This means some workers don’t leave until their supervisors do so, while others are just downright resilient with their work. Good for them!

Housing is so pricey sis!

Unless you’re living in local/rural-ish areas like Kowloon and the New Territories, rent in Hong Kong could cost you almost half of your monthly salary for a truly small space. That aint right.

Pollution levels are too damn high

Hong Kong’s pollution levels are some of the highest in South East Asia. Das not good. Most of the city is covered in fog brought on by emissions from industrial plans, marine traffic and vehicles.

How do I get a Visa to Hong Kong?

You get a visa to China, which we’ve spoken about here and here with people who shared their individual experiences.

Now we’ve examined the pros and cons of life in Hong Kong, but a major thing to look out for, like I mentioned early in this post, is what makes it a great place to weather out a global pandemic, like the one currently refusing to let go of our necks, (almost literally).

Gotten from this great post on Twitter, here’s a quick summary of the Hong Kong Coronavirus efforts for travellers coming into the country:

Here’s a time lapse of me awkwardly doing my self-test in my booth: I made a “kruuuar” sound as instructed to hock up my deep-throat saliva & spit it into a tube (w/ the help of a paper funnel) and double-bagged it. Several ppl made sure the tube was upright when I handed it in. pic.twitter.com/XzPNlTkQdN
— Laurel Chor (@laurelchor) May 14, 2020

All passengers into the country the country must carry out a self-test at the airport. This is after filling out a health declaration form, downloading an app and being fixed with a tracking bracelet and thermometer to name a few. This process, carried out within the airport will take about 8 hours.

All entrants into the country must go through a mandatory 14-day quarantine, where before their entry into the building they live in or are simply visiting, they must be sanitised and disinfected; together with their luggage. The app and bracelet track movement within that time and most efforts to outsmart either option usually fail.

So there you have it, tourist destination, global pandemic wrangler and all round neat place to live. Would you visit Hong Kong?

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
Sure, you can’t breathe with face masks on, and it’s a pain fighting the urge to yank them off every five minutes, but a lot of people are really going through it with this face mask requirement.

Because we know you don’t think about only yourself, we made a list of people, whose respective drips have been tampered with, thanks to the facemasks:

Mommys with geles

Do you realise how much of a drip-dampener these masks will be with the full owambe look? Anyway, word reaching me now is that extra aso-ebi money will be charged to cover the matching facemasks, so the drip goes on.

Rappers with grills

Who is going to see their gold-plated teeth if their stuck behind face mask prison? Whomst?

People that are finally taking out their braces this year.

Imagine having braces on for 3 years and being scheduled to take them off in 2020. Just imagine.

People that love to show off their smiley piercing

Our thoughts are with them in these trying times.

People with tongue piercings

How they go take do am now ehn?

People that their beard finally connected in 2020

Please respect their privacy in these trying times.
It seems like only yesterday, you could pick up a full-length novel by morning, going halfway through it come sundown. Your nose was always pressed into a new, exciting paragraph, and your favourite position was sideways, a hardback pressed into the nook of your arm.

Only, it wasn’t yesterday. You can barely remember the last time you finished a book without at least two ‘Happy new month’ broadcast messages entering your WhatsApp. It’s starting to get really hard, looking at your book club members in the eye during Zoom meet-ups.

If you’re reading this and feeling bad because it’s hitting a little too close to home, not to worry, we are legion. Here’s how many self-proclaimed book lovers have fallen down the rabbit hole of incomplete books and reading lists:

Taking screenshots of books you see on social media

Promptly forgetting about it right after,

Going through recommended reading lists and swearing you’re going to purchase and read them all

Promptly forgetting about them when you close the list tab on your laptop.

Finally getting round to downloading a recommended book on your phone

Your life outside, everytime you try to read it.

The way Twitter calls you when you finally decide to read a book on your phone seriously

And you answer, every single time. Ho!

Spending money you don’t even have on hardcover books you absolutely must have!

Using it purely to decorate your bookshelf for the next three years because that’s what you do now.

Reading three books at the same time because, why not?

Never finishing them too, because na your way.
If there’s anything we should rack this virus over, it is seriously cramping our buka eating culture.

No longer are we free to eat and sweat in close proximity with the next guy as his splash from battling his shaki gets on our shirt.

No more are we spoilt for choice, looking at the show glasses displaying soups, yam and rice dishes, before deciding on the standard amala, gbegiri and ewedu.

But most of all, it’s keeping us from some of our favourite people, the buka servers. We miss them so much, we made a list of all the different types we miss:

The happy one

Never stingy with the soup. Might even add extra half meat if she’s having a super day.

The one that doesn’t believe you deserve human portions to grow

To them, but portions are for the God’s. Take this half portion of eba for 300 and be happy it isn’t smaller.

The type that had a bad morning and doesn’t need your stress.

This one had a bad morning and will not hesitate to let you know your face is ruining it further. Order and go, you’re holding up the queue.

The one that strongly believes their sweat is a secret ingredient for the soup

You know the ones that lean in a little too closely to the soup? Trying to make sure they ruin your day with liver instead of beef? Them ones.

The one that just comes to work for the uninterrupted TV

They’ll be giving signal to move when you’re blocking their line of vision to the TV, you know them ones.

The one that won’t hesitate to throw you and your change out if you start nonsense

Annoy Aunty Bukky by asking her for your change one more time, just try it.

The ones that communicate that they’re listening to your order by rolling their eyes.

200 amala, eye roll, gbegiri and ewedu stronger eyeroll, 3 meat, one link I, The strongest eye roll
Are you a full blown Nigerian? Are we going to have to trade in your passport (not sure if this is a bad thing). Anyway, take the quiz and find out!
Even though going out now appears to be an extreme sport, there was a time where you could hurry on off to the gym, salon, park, wherever, without paying much mind to it.

Now during those times, we can guarantee that while out in public, you 100% did at least one of these things, hoping no one caught you doing so:

Running across a zebra crossing

Because we all know Nigerian drivers think it’s a Tom-Tom ad anyway.

Trying to cross a street, miscalculating and doing that awkward run to avoid being run over

This happens to the best of us.

Staring at a stranger in the next car and making a crazy face for no reason.

There’s a child within us all.

Buying something in traffic and feeling like an asshole for making the vendor run to collect his money when traffic moves

This always happens!

Running for dear life whenever you’re moving under a bridge

Because trailer can fall any fokken time

What funny things do you do in traffic?
It takes a lot to be an adult, it takes even more to be an adult in Nigeria. Which is why for the life of me, I cannot understand how this adulting business was sold to us like some fantasy we actually should have been excited to engage in.

If we’re not paying bills, we’re fighting a losing war with our backs and hairlines. See, e don do, we would very much like to get off this old people’s bus and join our nieces in Pre-K.

In decrying the absolute injustice of this adulting life, here are the many ways, adulting has been a scam through and through in all of our lives:

Leaving all the other babies in the compound to join kindergarten

In your mind, you think this is a blessing. Little do you know problem just actually start.

Switching from pencils to pens in Primary 3

You think you’re a big boy, but really, this just means your mistakes are a little harder to erase. See how this adulting is a mind game? Good.

Jacking Ugo C Ugo overnight, so you won’t carry last in the common entrance examination.

This is like level 1 in the adulting scam scale. This seed of overnight has been sown inside you.

Entering secondary school and realising you were a village champion in your primary school

Who are all these geniuses? Why do I have to learn Intro tech?

Entering the first quarter finals of adulting and writing Senior WAEC

What’s funny is, you really think this WAEC is the most serious thing you’ll encounter in this life. Eiyah, cute.

Entering university and realising true, true, you’re an adult now

That’s when you make the decision to scam as much as you can from your parents for the last time. We see you petty thief!

Crossing into the jungle of the labour market and realising this is the absolute most disgusting ghetto

Where is the exit door? There’s none? What?

Graduating from labour market, to labour market with responsibilities

Paying rent, feeding yourself, paying black tax. It never ends.

Who else is tired of this auditing scam?
On day 847? of my now self-imposed lock down, while my clothes are charging up for the inevitable post-rona rocks and my body is getting the rest it deserves, my hair is wallowing in a state I like to describe as – I prefer not to speak.

From wash days every week, to discovering my hair can form into locs if I leave it under a scarf long enough, my hair has been going through it this period.

Because I miss the good old days, I will now spend a good part of my morning reminiscing on all thge hairy milestones that brought me where I am today.

Having your hair packed into two puff-puffs for every single birthday party

If your mom didn’t style your puffs puffs with the most colourful ribbons possible, so xri bou dah.

Graduating a little later to the OG telephone wire.

Children of nowadays won’t know the feeling of sleeping on their backs so their telephone wire won’t cut.

Packing gel was for the next level of bad babies.

All the junior foreheads would be shining in school that week like they poured anointing oil on them.

Doing rubber because you’re ready to try anything to make your hair grow long.

Not being able to sleep later that night, but holding body regardless.

Doing all back and base and feeling like Rapunzel when the base covers your eyes.

Lie that this wasn’t you. Lie first.

Relaxing your hair and realising for real, for real, how long your hair is.

Rapunzel Ubong is in the building now.

When you just start relaxing your hair and you feel one side start to burn before going halfway

Just have to firm that pain.

Braiding your hair and constantly feeling the tufts of hair remaining

As if your hairdresser won’t still divide the last tuft into 70.

For some girls, deciding to go for the big chop

Next thing, every sentence is punctuated with wash day, LOC treatment, growth oil etc.

What’s your favourite hair milestone?
To convict Orji Uzor Kalu — former Abia State Governor, Senator and chief whip of the senate — of a ₦7.7 billion fraud allegation, the trial courts engaged in proceedings so elongated, a child born at its inception would have been gearing up for senior secondary school upon its end.

With the Supreme Court decision of May 8th however, it appears the convict Kalu, plus two others, might be gearing up for a repeat, lengthened performance against the Nigerian judiciary. The apex court has ordered a re-trial in the matters laid against them.

Why Was Orji Kalu Convicted For Fraud?

Between May 1999 and May 2007, Orji Uzor Kalu served as the governor of Abia State. Within that time, using his largely unfettered access to state funds, he is alleged to have employed the use of his company – Slok Nigeria Limited and the connivance of Udeh Udeogu, the Director of Finance and Accounts at the Abia State Government House during his tenure, to misappropriate ₦7 billion belonging to the Abia people.

This led to corruption charges being brought against him, his company and Udeogu by the EFCC. The trial began in 2007 and didn’t conclude until 2019, owed to repeated adjournments and delays on the part of the defence.

In a judgement delivered by Justice Mohammed Idris, Orji Uzor Kalu was sentenced to 12 years in prison. His company – Slok Nigeria ltd was ordered to be wound up with assets forfeited to the government, while Udeogu was sentenced to three years imprisonment.

What is responsible for Orji Uzor Kalu’s release from prison?

Given the 12-year duration of the trial laid out against Kalu and his cohorts, changes were bound to be made.

While Kalu thrived, running for the presidency and winning a senatorial position, so did the Justice in charge of the proceedings against him – Justice Mohammed Idris.

In 2018, during the course of the trial, Idris was promoted from the high court to the Court of Appeal. However, using a special fiat granted by Zainab Bulchachawa, a former president of the Court of Appeal, he was permitted to continue presiding over Orji Kalu’s matter.

The Supreme Court however rejected this power, citing it as being in conflict with several decisions of the Supreme Court, and therefore unconstitutional.

By doing this, the Supreme Court has ordered the trial, which began in 2007, to start all over again.

What does Orji Uzor Kalu think of the recent developments?

As expected, the previously convicted former governor is pleased to be released from prison. In a statement put out following his freedom, he noted that the events of the past five months which saw his incarceration have given him a new leash on justice and injustice in Nigeria.

On the way forward with the trial, the EFCC has announced that re-trial proceedings will begin immediately.
The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.

If all my many years of watching overly dramatic spy-thrillers has taught me anything, it’s that Russia, its spies and its president are 100% not to be messed with.

I thought everyone that journeyed to Moscow in 2018 had serious mind,and I still can’t watch Vladimir Putin on the news without avoiding eye contact.

I’m a professional drama-queen in case anyone missed it.

Thankfully, the subject of this week’s Abroad Life is less easily swayed. He’s lived in Russia for the past nine months, attending school while also pastoring a church. He tells us how balancing that has been going since the countrywide lockdowns were instituted.

For those who think Russia is a scary place where ‘KGB’ are the first letters children learn and vodka is a suitable H2O supplement, how very wrong are we/me?

I have to say, Russia is fantastic, and it’s filled with the best people. Before I came to Russia, I was under the impression that they weren’t friendly people, but from my very first day here, up until now, all the Russians I’ve met have been very helpful. Some have even gone out of their way to be kind.

Blink twice over this WhatsApp voice call where I can’t see you — if you’re being made to say this

Haha. But really, they are helpful, and it might be because I’m black, because it still isn’t common place to see that many black people in Russia. I remember when I first landed in Russia, like that very day. Two people, out of the goodness of their hearts helped me carry my bags and helped me get to the right place to book a ticket to my destination.

Okay, forget blinking. Cough twice

Hahaa. You know what, sometimes they want to take pictures with me on the street or in the shopping malls, again, because I’m black and it’s still uncommon to see here. But they’re always very good-natured when they ask to do so.

It’s definitely great to know you’re in a welcoming environment. Now, moving past my very tired tropes of Russia, I know you’re primarily there for school, how difficult was making the transmission from Nigeria all the way?

Making the move really wasn’t difficult. The processes were very clear. I just needed the right documents and that was it. I remember being at my visa interview and laughing almost throughout with my brother, who is my sponsor, and the interviewer.

I mean, it was obviously hard leaving family, but everyone understood why I had to leave, so it made the transmission pretty easy.

Great, I hear that. Now, I’m on damage control for all the stereotypes I’ve been encouraging. To make up for this, let’s hear some of the best bits about living in Russia.

Hmm. I have to say for me, the language is one of the best parts,it’s so fascinating to me and it’s incredibly fun to learn. I’m studying software engineering, but before that, I have to complete a mandatory one year Russian language course in the university before beginning my main course the following year.

Now normally I’d have put you on the spot and made you translate something like, ‘Boyin is the cutest Zikoko staff member’ in Russian, but I’m changing my ways. Instead, let me jump in and ask how you’re managing language classes in the midst of the coronavirus

Well, obviously we’ve all gone online. But early on with the virus, we were mixing online classes with some physical meetings. My language class is on the top floor of my hostel so we would occasionally meet.

Other than that, schools are closed, online classes are in full force and the government has banned gatherings of more than ten people.

Got it, so what else is great about Russia?

The weather. It is fantastic. Let me tell you something. In March, it was meant to be spring, but somehow it was snowing. The weather can be unpredictable, but that’s what makes it so great.

*Stares in rain, dry and harmattan seasons*

Another thing I love is the Russian transportation system. It is excellent. So that’s language, the weather and the transport systems for my favourite things in Russia.

Got it! Random question. Because I’m very pro looking towards the end of the coronavirus, what are you looking forward to the most when this is all over?

Oh easily, being able to gather physically for church services. I pastor a Christ Embassy Church in Tver, Russia. It would be great to meet with the congregation in fellowship again.

Fantastic! Hold that thought, we’ll get right to it. But first, a little balancing act. You’ve said what you love about Russia, now what are the downsides?

Well. I’d have to say being under constant surveillance. Russia is known for this, but it’s mostly for a good cause.Over here, because cameras are constantly on you, you’re required to always be on your best behaviour. So little things like littering, Russia doesn’t have problems with that. Imagine how in control it is of more serious situations.

But the surveilling can be a little annoying.

Big Brother has entered the chat

After that, I have to say getting a job placement in your first few months. If you can’t speak Russian, getting a job will be very difficult for you. So if you don’t find a job in a multi-national company or something of the sorts, getting a job can be difficult.

I imagine how limiting that can be for foreigners. So a big pro-tip for anyne looking to work in Russia, learn the language first

Definitely.

Now to the ministry. You’ve been in Russia a number of months now. How was the transition from managing a Nigerian church in Nigeria, to managing a Nigerian church all the way on the other side of the world?

First, you have to know that the approach to ministry is way different here than it is in Nigeria. First, we had to get a license before even starting the church. We even had to even come in as the English version of an already existing church before they granted us the opportunity.

Oh wow, they don’t play. How is balancing school with pastoral duties going?

Well, it’s all about planning. I pastor a church where there are black members from Congo, Ghana, Angola, Mozambique, Zambia, Nigeria. And also some white members, we have services translated to Russian as well, so it’s a special grace I’m grateful for. Learning to balance classes and receiving directives from my Group Pastor or the Regional Director for Europe during weekly meetings, defintitely help. It requires a lot of balance.

Definitely. Now we’re in scary times. This is a faith question. Do you think there’s a reason we’re experiencing all this? Asking for a person trying to make sense of this all

The world is fighting an enemy they don’t understand; one that seems more powerful than them, against which they have no weapons. This just shows the extent of human frailty, the weakness of men. They can only fight what they understand, yet the greatest enemies of this world are unseen; they’re invisible, and this is what Jesus came to show us. He came to show us the real adversary and to give us adequate weapons against the most wicked and vicious enemies of men.

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
There are as ton of things to miss out on when you’re taking the right safety precautions – social distancing, limiting in person-interactions, sanitizing and wearing the appropriate clothing to avoid getting infected with a global pandemic.

Hanging out with friends, worshipping with like-minded people; the list goes on. But in certain instances, the not so common things come into play. We made a list of all the unlikely things we miss about life without the Coronavirus to contend with:

Touching your face, bae’s face, anybody’s fave at all without feeling like you committed a war crime.

Bring back safe touching!

Going to the beach on a weekend and hating how crowded it is.

At least it was safe to be around so many strangers.

Being able to sit down in a public space for hours, to get your braids done without feeling like it’s illegal.

Who else misses the pain of freshly made braids?

Entering your barbershop and seeing your favourite barber has just started cutting someone’s hair.

Waiting for him in a public place because his touch is worth it.

Physically going to the market and summoning your mother’s bargaining powers to buy things at a fraction of their asking prices.

Good times, now ordering online is the way.

Those really long worship services where all you want to do is just crawl home.

Rewarding yourself with outside church shawarma afterwards

What do you miss about pre-Corona times?
Even though love is an absolutely disgusting act we wouldn’t recommend to our worst enemy (yes, even you Damilola in Pry 5A), you all keep doing the damn thing and falling in we regardless.

Because it’s like you need someone to show you what a bad, terrible idea falling in love is, we decided to do the lord’s work and show you what you look like when you decide to die on top another person’s matter. We present, all the things you do when you’re in love:

Waking up one day and realising, ‘ah won ti get mi’

Waking up oh, you’re thinking about them. Sleeping, you’re dreaming about them. Eating, you’re swallowing them with your hot Eva. A mess.

When you start noticing you’re the one that always texts first, so you start doing almighty formula to decide the appropriate time to check-in.

If I send ‘good morning’ first now, this will the 192nd time. Maybe I should wait 2 minutes before checking in.

Whenever they reach out first on WhatsApp so you sing Plantashun boyz ‘anybody say’ before replying so you won’t look desperate.

Deny this one first.

When you notice they start saying ‘we’ and ‘us’ in their statements.

It is time to plan a wedding.

When you get comfortable enough to start insulting each other.

Purple and gold won’t be bad for wedding colours.

When they gather mind and ask you to be their boyfriend.

Should you rent a big hall for the wedding or just keep it simple with family?

When you have your first fight and you realise, won ti really get e.

Should I call him? Will she pick up? Is this the end?

When you makeup and start making fun of the dumb reason you fought.

‘You sef why will you say I have coconut head?’ ‘You know I fell down when I was small.’

When y’all take the bold step and post each other on your social media

Oh it’s serious, serious now?

What’s your favourite part about falling in love?

How you watch YouTube videos for the correct steps to take during wash day

Your bathroom when you’re done mixing up all the honey, eggs and other hair treatment products for your deep conditioning

Sucking at your first attempt to twist your hair and waking up with 8 out of 12 loosened twists

How the mess in your room makes you feel after making the terrible decision to comb your hair out and twist it in there.

How sad you get when you remember you were playing ten-ten when other girls were learning to braid in the form

How you prep yourself the first time you attempt braids

The braids when you start them

The feels when you’re happily playing football in the compound and hearing your mother call you to come and clean the toilet window

Breaking the speed of light to sweep the sitting room after hearing your mommy pull up after wasting time all day

Getting ready to actually cook for the house, then someone tells you to cook for the house

How you feel after picking up one piece of paper that was littering the compound

Your clothing options after you refused to do laundry for 37 weeks and all your clothes are in the laundry basket

You and your stomach waiting to see who will give up first after refusing to cook

When you complain to your friends about hating chores and they advise you to outsource it

Living alone and realising your chores won’t do themselves if you don’t get to them

Dancing like this for slow songs during those birthday parties you went to as a child

Getting bounced from birthday party dance competitions, even though you put your all into it when ‘turn me on’ came on

Pretending you don’t care about all the new dances but secretly practising them in your room

When you’re at the club and they’re having a dance battle, but can only do your own little dance moves on the chair

Everytime they come up with a new dance

Your face when you’re at a wedding reception and you see the dance moves the couple have to make before entering the hall

Looking back at the Instagram stories of you and your friends after attempting to bust a move during last night’s rocks

How the whole class reacts when the Math teacher tells everybody to stand up to answer the complicated ass question, on a subject he literally just taught

The way the tension builds when the teacher goes row by row, and yet no seat can produce a math champion

The way the cane chesters come through after he starts asking students to jump out one by one

Every class had those students that would always run to the back of the other classmates when it came flogging time

Then there were the special ones that would hold up the flogging queue, using sixty-seven minutes to take two strokes of cane

Every class had fakers. These ones would go to the front of the line and pretend they’ve already been flogged. Theatrics and all

There were those classmates that would have cried for every single class member before even a drop of cane touches their body

Then those special students that would wait for the whole class to help them echo that they were sicklers or had an underlying medical condition, so they wouldn’t get flogged

But for the really sharp ones, you’d have escaped class the minute the math teacher started asking questions and turned that class into a free period

Sagging

Lip gloss

Plaster on the face

Those big face customized belts

Bedazzled phones

Handbags for school bags

All back with zigzag

Customised shirts

Belt chains on regular uniform trousers

Daring to enter your mother’s sitting room with coloured hair

Smoking in front of your parents

Having very obvious tattoos

Rocking leg chains in full view of your Nigerian father

Dreadlocks. That’s the line

Drinking publicly

Sporting obvious piercings

Edward

Magdalena

Jummy

Divine

When pastor is about to blow the holy spirit into the room and your face, but you remember how invasive that covid-19 test is:

How pastors will struggle to think of another way to connect the congregation, because nobody will agree to hi-five their neighbour in these corona times

Not wanting to touch the offering basket being passed around, but not wanting to seem like a dick by refusing to give it to your neighbour

How you’ll go to the back of the church, safe and away from everyone to finally express the praise and worship that has been bubbling inside you since lockdown started

How you unlook when service ends and the assistant pastor starts encouraging members to visit the homes of those not in church to encourage them to come next week

Learning patience by force, because it’s not you and corona that will be struggling with everyone trying to leave church at the same time after service

How you wake up in the morning and try to psych yourself to go to the office i.e the sitting room

Sitting on your bed and contemplating if the query you’ll get from missing work would be so bad

When you hear that first sound of thunder and you and your bed start looking at each other like…

Your ginger to work when NEPA does its thing the moment it catches the first sniff of that rain smell in the air

Deciding on a ‘compromise’ and dashing yourself an undeserved hour of sleep on your bed

Waking up six hours later and scrambling to answer all the work emails

Trying to get work done, but forgetting yourself and staring out at the rain every two minutes

Last last, congratulating yourself that you don’t have rush hour traffic and rain to deal with

What else is great about Ukraine?

What’s not so great about Ukraine?

What Should I know about studying in Ukraine?

Verdict?

Getting dressed up with nowhere to go but Instagram

Missing the looks of envy when you walk into any setting dressed to kill these hoes

Getting dressed up, make-up too just to sit down at home and watch Prison Break season 1 – 74

Using WAEC seriousness to prepare for all the big clothing challenges on social media

Waiting patiently for another challenge you can jump on because they have to feel your fineness somehow on these streets.

How they’ll prepare for the first event, the moment they say streets are safe to go outside again

How you look at anyone in primary school, when they step on your socks after a whole day of holy whiteness

Doing the most and using everything but a ruler to tidy your bed in boarding school

Losing your mind when you come back from class to see someone had sat on your bed and attempted to tidy it

Getting a visitor at home and trying not to lose your shit when they don’t assemble the supplies in your bathroom the way you left them

Arranging all the labels in your fridge to face one way and someone visiting disorganising your efforts