We asked Nigerian women to share their experiences with financial abuse and why they’d rather make their own money. And if the stories we got are anything to go by, Nigerian women constantly experience partners withholding money or controlling their spending as a form of control.
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Comfort*, 37
My ex-husband and I had no clear stance on financial issues before marriage. I guess love blinded us, or me. A friend advised us to get a joint account so we could both save for important projects, and we thought it sounded good, so we did it.
The first mistake I made was making the joint account my primary account. The second was making my ex the primary signatory. Either of us could withdraw without approval from the other, but he alone received alerts and had the debit card. My ex is an entrepreneur, while I work a 9-5. It meant I was the only one who was sure of a monthly salary. So, we decided to make the joint account my official salary account, and he’d drop money in the account when he made a profit.
It went well for the first two years, but then his business hit a rough patch, and we started depending on only my salary. That wasn’t an issue until he began to prevent me from accessing the money. Can you imagine that I’d stand before him every day before work to collect transport money for the day? I’ve seen shege. I couldn’t buy sugar in the house if he didn’t release money.
I complained severely and involved family, but he made it seem like it was because I was the one bringing the money. Then he added cheating to the mix, but that’s a story for another day.
If I ever get married again, my eyes will be very clear. I work hard to make my own money and can’t depend on anyone again, whether he’s richer than me or not. People are unpredictable.
Jennifer*, 20
From everything I saw my mum go through with my dad, it’s just not an option for me to depend on a man financially.
He prevented her from working or doing anything to earn money but still gave the impression that he was doing us a favour anytime he provided for the home. He wasn’t struggling, but he seemed to have a thing for using money to show he was in charge. I can’t forget one day when I was much younger, my mum was very ill and bedridden. She was literally crying from the bed, begging him to give her ₦5k so we could call a nurse. He refused. My siblings and I had to go behind his back when he wasn’t around to beg one nurse on our street to help her for free.
He does the same to us children. You have to do his every wish if you hope to collect ₦2k from him. It’s one reason I don’t joke with my hustle now. I’m not saying it’s bad for anyone to depend on anyone; there are still good people out there. But me, I can’t risk it.
Joan*, 23
I just got out of a four-year relationship that was toxic in every sense of the word. He is almost ten years older, and I met him as an undergraduate. He had a business centre in school, and I moved in with him almost immediately after we started the relationship. I even had a falling out with my parents because of that.
He used to take care of me a lot in the beginning, and even paid my fees. But he was also aggressive and controlling. He collected my ATM card because he didn’t want me collecting money from guys. If a family member sent me money, I had to delete the alert so he wouldn’t see it, and then, transfer the money to a POS agent. Anytime we fought, he’d lock my wardrobe and kitchen because he bought the clothes and food.
I know better now, and I’m trying my best to make sure I don’t fall into that trap again.
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Lola*, 24
A close friend of mine had her phone smashed and long braids cut short in public. The stupid boy did this because he paid for them, and she had the “audacity” to come to a faculty dinner without informing him first. I’ve learnt from the experiences of others, please. I collect money from men, but it’s only what I know I can refund. So if you move mad, I’ll just ask for your account number and refund you straight up. No time.
Kemi*, 19
My dad was the first to educate me about financial abuse. He’s very intentional about his girls not falling into the wrong hands. We had a neighbour growing up who always looked dapper, but his wife looked like someone on the brink of death. She was always begging my mum for food. My mum even used to give her clothes and help braid her hair. It was the same old story; he didn’t allow her to work, but he didn’t take care of her either.
My dad makes sure he gives me whatever I need. When he doesn’t have, he explains his financial situation and rings it in my ear that he’ll always be there for me. He’s also taught me the importance of working hard to make my own money so no one takes me for a fool.
Chisom*, 28
My elder sister works but submits her money to her husband as the “head of the house”. He dictates everything she’s allowed to spend on, even to the last kobo. She seems okay with it, but she’s a shadow of herself. This is someone who enjoyed buying stuff for herself before marriage and wouldn’t be caught dead wearing the same outfit more than three times. Now, she looks like someone suffering.
I can’t interfere in their marriage, and I can’t even say who’s earning more, but it’s given me the ginger to make my own money and talk about finances extensively before entering any marriage.
Daniella*, 27
Living in Abuja means I’ve mostly dated rich kids. I’ve had a partner who paid my rent and expected me not to entertain visitors, both male and female, or go out without informing him.
Another one got me a phone he’d already installed spyware on. I found out when people reached out to me that someone was calling them, saying he was my boyfriend. I ended both relationships before they started getting even funnier, but I realise if I depended on them for money, they’d have succeeded in controlling me. It’s all the more reason why I have to work hard.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity
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