Today, I will be reviewing insane semo recipes.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
If you’re an avid reader of Zikoko, you know that we’ve spent years relentlessly pushing the agenda that the swallow known as semo is awful.
We can’t stop, won’t stop pushing this agenda because semo is terrible. It’s the worst of all the known swallows, and rumour has it that vulcanisers use it to patch holes in car tyres.
This brings us to today’s issue. I recently came across a website that claims to contain “7812 easy and tasty semo recipes.”
Alas, no one said sike.
Because I like suffering, I went through the website and saw horrible things.
Mama, let’s research.
I imagine that this tastes like sadness. Even syrup won’t help mask the taste of despair.
This semolina glazed bread looks like a mutant doughnut whose creation was botched during the cloning process and is now begging you to shoot it square in the face because it’s in so much pain and wants to be put out of its misery.
I just gagged…and not in a good way.
IS THAT OKRO SOUP?!
You can tell this meat pie isn’t normal because it’s so fucking mishappen. This is not ok. None of this is ok.
Once again, none of those toppings will help mask the depressing taste of semo.
Nope.
Imagine biting into puff puff and realising that the texture is weird because it’s made from semo, and there are also raisins in it. I will burn everyone and everything to the ground.
I blame Buhari for this. If beans didn’t become so expensive, this wouldn’t be happening.
God, abeg.
This is going to be more tasteless than a struggling Nigerian Instagram comedian’s skits.
If your friends get you this for your birthday, I want you to know that they hate you. Not only do they hate you, they secretly hope that you die in a Final Destination-style freak accident. Preferably one that involves a lot of pain.
The End
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