Those reminders our mother’s gave us about rice and stew at home makes more sense now. So except you’re a criminal, there’s no way you will see these seven signs without remembering to pack your bags and go home to boil rice.

1. Bottle water is the price of sardine

Anywhere you see water sold for more than ₦200 is a sign to not bother with the menu. How can God’s free gift to man be competing with the price of sardine?

2. There are bouncers at the door

Once they put hefty people to separate the broke, broque and rich, just go home and light your gas. Those restaurants know exactly who they want sitting inside, so maybe take a hint.

3. There’s Bistro or ‘La’ attached to their name

If you see any fancy addition to their name that is stressful to pronounce, don’t even try to enter. You’ll probably end up helping them with plates at the back or mopping the floor when they close.

4. There’s no Indomie on the menu

First of all, there’s nothing less than ₦10,000 then you’ve scanned every part of the menu and can’t even find Indomie to manage. You just need to fold their menu and return home. 

5. Everywhere is white

If you want to roll with the big boys and forget the rice you cooked at home, just enter a restaurant painted all white and watch the Lagos big babes and influencers take over.

6. Agege bread has turned to burger

Let’s just say, if they have the guts to tamper with Agege bread, they will come for your wallet and send you to your village. My dear, go home.

7. There’s a chef flipping pan in your front

When you see the chef cooking in the middle of the restaurant, just know anybody eating there is into crime. They will call it fine dining, but it’s really broad daylight robbery because they will bill you and your ancestors.

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