There’s money, and there’s bastard money. Urgent ₦2k is money, but bastard money is money you’ll make, and you really can’t even believe you made it.

You’d be looking at your account balance like:

That’s the kind of money we want to teach you how to make. Take notes.

Become the British Prime Minister

Don’t think about your qualifications or that you’re still in Nigeria. Just use every means to get there, then you can resign after 45 days. Boom, salary for life.

Kidnap Elon Musk

The guy is worth $212 billion. Imagine what 1% of that money as ransom would do in your life. 

Or marry him

Just convince him to fall head over heels in love, and your finances will work themselves out. 

Sell your body parts

Don’t limit it to your kidney. The liver is valuable, too — anything for the bag.

Become a Nigerian politician

The national cake must go round.

Fast and pray

Because what God cannot do, doesn’t exist. Amen?

Sell shoes on Instagram

Take a page from this the Naira Life of this engineer’s book and open your door of financial wealth.

Have bastardly rich parents

If your parents are already poor, you can disown them and go look for your true parents.

Say it till it happens

Recite “I have bastard money” in front of your mirror every day at 2.16 a.m. and see if it won’t come to pass.

Get a glucose guardian

Start with the ones in Abuja; we heard they have money. Just be careful of the jalabia-and-oud-perfume-wearing ones sha. If you know, you know.

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