Many Nigerians say coffee is trash, but that’s because they lack good taste. This article is for those who want to live a little. I’ve spent the last two years trying out coffees at home and at cafes, so I know what I’m talking about. What’s the best coffee for a Nigerian in Nigeria? Find out at number one.

10) Nescafe aka coffee for crackheads

If you drink Nescafe, you might as well sniff crack. This coffee tastes like burnt cardboard dried under Abuja sun then ground into pieces and sold in a container. I understand Lagos people that drink this because they need all the energy they can get to sit in traffic all day. But for people who live elsewhere (or Lagosians who work from home), why put yourself through this??

9) Latte

Just drink milk.

8) Tea (Milk + chocolate beverage + sugar)

Because why drink coffee when you were colonised by the British? And then why drink British teas when you have coconut head? 

7) Cappuccino

The spellings of cappuccino in this article were brought to you by Grammarly. And that is this coffee’s first problem; the name is too difficult to spell. The second problem is that it has no character and is a forgettable bitch. It almost didn’t make this list, even.

6) Americano

I really don’t think anyone should be drinking anything with “American” in the name. It’s giving self-hating Nigerian and goes well with a spoonful of the real Nigerian dream: to be better than your neighbour. Everything is okay as long as someone is suffering more than you. I see you, Americana.

5) Iced Latte

Just drink milk with ice.

4) Mocha

This would be number one if it wasn’t so hot. Still better than most. 

3) Iced Frappucino

No amount of air conditioning can convince me that people who drink hot coffee in this country are not in an unhealthy relationship with suffering. The weather is too damn hot. The right amount of sun, whipped cream, and coffee makes this taste like hot ram suya on a rainy evening in Kubwa.

2) Espresso

You need espressos to withstand the madness of Nigerian employers. You can also use this to practice tequila shots. I stan a multitasking babe.

1) Iced Milo Mocha

The only thing better than coffee is iced coffee, and the only thing better than iced coffee is this. An iced milo mocha feels like getting the email of your visa approval. Even Nescafe becomes elite once you add milo. Try it today and start seeing life in technicolour.