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Many Nigerians say coffee is trash, but that’s because they lack good taste. This article is for those who want to live a little. I’ve spent the last two years trying out coffees at home and at cafes, so I know what I’m talking about. What’s the best coffee for a Nigerian in Nigeria? Find out at number one.
10) Nescafe aka coffee for crackheads
If you drink Nescafe, you might as well sniff crack. This coffee tastes like burnt cardboard dried under Abuja sun then ground into pieces and sold in a container. I understand Lagos people that drink this because they need all the energy they can get to sit in traffic all day. But for people who live elsewhere (or Lagosians who work from home), why put yourself through this??
9) Latte
Just drink milk.
8) Tea (Milk + chocolate beverage + sugar)
Because why drink coffee when you were colonised by the British? And then why drink British teas when you have coconut head?
7) Cappuccino
The spellings of cappuccino in this article were brought to you by Grammarly. And that is this coffee’s first problem; the name is too difficult to spell. The second problem is that it has no character and is a forgettable bitch. It almost didn’t make this list, even.
6) Americano
I really don’t think anyone should be drinking anything with “American” in the name. It’s giving self-hating Nigerian and goes well with a spoonful of the real Nigerian dream: to be better than your neighbour. Everything is okay as long as someone is suffering more than you. I see you, Americana.
5) Iced Latte
Just drink milk with ice.
4) Mocha
This would be number one if it wasn’t so hot. Still better than most.
3) Iced Frappucino
No amount of air conditioning can convince me that people who drink hot coffee in this country are not in an unhealthy relationship with suffering. The weather is too damn hot. The right amount of sun, whipped cream, and coffee makes this taste like hot ram suya on a rainy evening in Kubwa.
2) Espresso
You need espressos to withstand the madness of Nigerian employers. You can also use this to practice tequila shots. I stan a multitasking babe.
1) Iced Milo Mocha
The only thing better than coffee is iced coffee, and the only thing better than iced coffee is this. An iced milo mocha feels like getting the email of your visa approval. Even Nescafe becomes elite once you add milo. Try it today and start seeing life in technicolour.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
When you think about money, what is the oldest memory that comes to your mind?
Growing up with a struggling single mother. She couldn’t finish school when she got pregnant and had to drop out.
What was she studying?
Accounting. She was also working part-time at a cosmetics store, where she met my dad. They fell in love, and she got pregnant.
Ah.
He was there for three months after I was born, paying bills, buying baby food. Then he disappeared for a month, so she went looking for him. She got to the house and saw plenty of slippers by his door.
My father was getting married to someone else.
Ah.
Anyway, my mum struggled to raise me by herself. At a point, I lived with my grandma and her sister because she couldn’t cope.
Did she pay for your schooling?
For secondary school and university, I was on a scholarship. My grand-aunt funded it. My uni school fees, for example, was around ₦500k per year — it was a private school.
I imagine you still had to worry about taking care of yourself.
When I called my mum for stuff, she’d say she doesn’t have money, so I didn’t like asking her. She sent ₦5k every month, but it was never enough. The first job I ever did was an ushering job in university — I was 19 and in 200 level. I’ll never forget that job.
They told us to bring stilettos. We were on our feet for like nine hours on stilettos. The pay was ₦5k, and I got stranded after. See, I couldn’t have survived uni without my friends.
Tell me about that.
First of all, I went to a university where cooking wasn’t allowed. Some periods, my feeding was covered by my friends and my boyfriend. So many times they’d say, “Let’s go and eat. I’ll pay for the food.” Sometimes, my boyfriend would buy me dinner, but there were days when I’d go without food.
When was your most difficult financial stretch in school?
400 level, while I was working on my final year project. I started calling family members till it got to the point where they were saying, “Ah ahn, what about your mum?”
What about your mum?
She used to work at a filling station. It was my sponsor’s filling station. My mum had to endure harsh working conditions just because of the scholarship I was on. You get? Her salary was ₦20k without a pension, healthcare. Like, when my mum retired from that job, her salary was still ₦20k.
Ah.
She worked there for over 15 years. She retired in 2019. She fell really sick and just never went back to work. Diabetes. She suffered a partial stroke too. She’s 52 now. It’s funny because her first real health crisis started on my last day at school.
Tell me about it.
I think it was the anxiety or excitement of it. She gets very anxious whenever I’m travelling, for example, so I never tell her till I reach where I’m going. Anyway, telling her I was coming home the next day, coupled with my graduation, landed her in the hospital for two months.
How did you pay for that?
My grand-aunt. She paid for it; I just did the caring. I’m very grateful to her for my schooling and for my mom’s hospital bills. This was in 2015. The next year, I went for NYSC.
Where did you work?
I worked at a government ministry in Ogun State. There, I started selling jewellery to sustain myself beyond NYSC’s ₦19,800.
Before NYSC, I fell in love with a guy because of his fingernails. When I started serving, and he didn’t want me squatting, he paid for my rent, a ₦50k per year room.
After NYSC?
I started applying to jobs, but nothing was forthcoming.
What kind of jobs were you looking for?
You know now, after NYSC, you’ll be applying to office jobs. I thought I would work in an office, buy my mum a car.
Aha. How did that go?
Nothing happened. I was just sitting at home, getting fat. I spent almost a year at home. My boyfriend used to send me money as the spirit led. I gathered all the money and started selling noodles. Because most people knew I was a graduate, they used to come to my stand and say, “I like your courage”, and then they’d buy.
How many cartons were you selling?
I started with half a carton of noodles, bought sardines, bought two spaghetti, bought takeaway packs. I started with about ₦20k. Then I started delivering to people, and it was legit cool, till I got a job interview at a bank one month after. I was soo happy, until I went there.
What happened?
The role was a contract role as Direct Sales Agent. I didn’t want to take the job, but they said if you do well, you could become a full-time staff of the bank.
How much was the job?
₦48k before commission. Basically, you’re going to look for new people to open bank accounts on your own dime.
Out of frustration one day, I just walked up to a man outside the bank and started pitching to him. I had no clue he was the state’s zonal head of the bank.
I left the job after a month. If I’d stayed there, I would have expanded a whole lot more.
Why did you leave?
Someone paid for my culinary school. My zonal head asked in the office if anyone knew a caterer for a small event. I told him I could do it. This was in 2017.
I got paid ₦150k to cater for 30 people.
How much did you make in profit?
Maybe ₦10k, because I didn’t have my own equipment and spent a lot on renting. Through that gig, I met a man.
Heh.
You know those Yoruba men that say, don’t call me chief, call me Ade?
Ohooo.
Yes. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him: culinary school. I just said the first thing that came to my head. I didn’t even know there were culinary schools in Nigeria, but he told me to go and do some research. I found one, and it cost ₦500k. When I called him, he said: “When do you want to start?”
Energy.
He sent ₦300k for me to make a deposit. But that was when I started asking myself, what does this man want from me gan gan?
Great timing.
I went to meet my office confidante, and he was like, why are you doing as if you don’t know what he wants? You better return the money if you can’t do it. But I couldn’t return the money.
Because you’d made a deposit.
Then he invited me over one day. When I got to the house, I just knew this wasn’t his real house. So I drank a lot of Vodka from his bar and…
And?
And that’s how I collected my balance that day.
Noted.
The next month, I enrolled in culinary school. It felt like I wasted money because my tutor was Youtubing our classes, and I started to wonder why I didn’t go to Youtube and use the money to start my own business. Anyway, I got a certificate there.
After culinary school, I was at home again. My friend helped me secure an interview at a coffee shop, as a manager. I got that job because of my culinary certificate. The pay was ₦80k, and it was on that ₦80k that I made recipes and grew out the menu.
Culinary school finesse. How long did you work there for?
Eight months. She hired someone else to come and work on my team and started paying her ₦180k.
Interesting.
I was like, why is there so much difference between our salaries when I’m doing way more? I found out that the girl went to school abroad. I was mad.
Someone else who had gotten another job at a restaurant asked me to apply there. So I did.
I actually told the owner of the restaurant that I wanted ₦150k, but I settled for ₦110k. This was in 2019.
What was it like working there?
Generally great, except for the one man, a chef, who made my job difficult. He kept trying to sabotage me.
I also got tips and bonuses that pushed my money to like ₦130k monthly.
Nice.
Eventually, I left early in 2020. I feel like I’d have stayed longer if that other chef didn’t make my life difficult. I really wanted to give my food business a shot though. When I left, I didn’t have much beyond my main ₦110k salary.
So, how did it go financially? You had ₦110k and no stable means of income. How did you wing it?
I had a support system. My boyfriend. It’s not like I was on an allowance or something, but any time I asked for money, he gave me. Whenever he noticed I needed money, he gave me.
How did the lockdown affect your business?
It was bad at first, then it became good just before the end of March as people were stocking up. Demand increased in June when the lockdown was lifted a little. June was my best month.
Do you know how much you made?
No. I put whatever money I made back. I know there were days where I made enough to pull out ₦10k in a day.
How was your mum at this time?
I placed her on an allowance. It used to be on impulse before, when she’d call me and say, “I need this or that.” Then I realised that it had gotten to a point where I couldn’t save anymore because I was giving her all my money. So, I put her on a monthly allowance in August this year.
How much?
I told her that I’ll give her ₦20k every month, but not at once. Every week, I’d give her ₦5k as a benchmark.
I’d also been living with my boyfriend for most of the lockdown, but a few months ago, I rented a place. We’d been having issues, so it felt like the right thing to do. Everything cost me like ₦800k.
I’m happy I took that step.
Me too, but why are you happy?
Because I would have gotten stranded. We had a fight, and he kicked me out. Before, I would have had to beg him.
What do you mean, “before”?
He threw my load away six times.
Tell me about the f — wait, are you okay talking about this?
Funny thing is, I don’t know how to feel anything anymore. I tried to cry but I couldn’t.
I don’t even think about it. I can’t remember much, but the first time it happened was probably two years ago. I went back to live with my mum.
The second time?
I sat down there, outside his house, because it was late. I also didn’t have any money on me.
Was this his reaction to every fight?
Not really. First, he’d insult me, insult my family and always remind me that I come from a broken home. Then he would try to hit me or he would scream at me. You know when someone is screaming, and you are trying to get through to the person, you end up having a shouting match with them. Whenever this happened, he would turn the table on me and say I’m the one always screaming the house down.
For five years, I literally held down the relationship.
That’s heavy. So, back in the kitchen?
I never left. I’ve even been sending CVs out for chef roles.
I noticed that you can’t tell how much you’ve made, but what’s an expense that never leaves?
My mum. I legit have to cater for my mom. She has nobody else. Then my house is not yet done.
You and money have an interesting history, you know.
Yes. It stops a lot of nonsense and disrespect. That is why can’t work under people. I always feel humiliated if I have to depend on them.
Another thing I’m curious about, what’s an aspect of your financial life that you struggle with?
I never have enough even when I try to save.
What is something you want right now but can’t afford?
Like I said, setting up my mum and then setting up myself, because I’ve always wanted to own a restaurant. If I’m able to set up a restaurant or a buka, I don’t need to set her up. I’ll just be like, momsy, come and stay here.
Do you ever wonder what a different life will look like for you?
Yeah. A different life would be a complete family with siblings. My mum wouldn’t be as lonely as she is. I feel like I missed out on family bond. You know, that closeness. Sometimes I feel like I have nobody. I think that’s something that made me stay with that guy. He gave me a sense of family.
These days, I feel like I’m floating.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your financial happiness and why?
4. I feel like a steady income will make me more grounded, not worrying about the next day. I feel like I can do better, but why am I not better?
Do you ever feel like this?
Sis.
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Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
This week’s story pulled off in collaboration with Payday Investor. Before you start to make plans about your next salary, click here.
When was the first time you made any money?
That’s an interesting question because I didn’t make money until I was in my final year at school. I had this friend that cared very little about money, and life, so he drank a lot. But he was a really great artist.
So I got the info that one government house where I had a friend was renovating, and somehow, I managed to make a case for an artist to come make murals across the government house.
On the other end of things, my dad gave me ₦50k to pay my school fees. And what did I do, I carried that money and used it to buy materials for my friend.
He went on to do the work. In three months, we got paid – ₦2.5 million.
₦50k to ₦2.5 million. That is quite the start.
I gave my guy one million. Paid my school fees. Then I spent about ₦800k on getting people to make noise about it – PR in some of the right places. That fetched us other gigs that brought in about ₦1.9 million.
Woah.
Some people at the Government house took an interest in me. The best thing about working with people in government is the access it gives you. Meanwhile, I started looking for what to do with all that money, so I invested some of it in stocks and acquired some land. Pushed that into Agric.
Sounds robust. What happened next?
I applied for YouWin in 2014 and got a grant of ₦6.5 million. It was actually a partner and me.
My partner was the admin and comms guy while I was away, and I was the technical guy.
How did the Fonio business go?
First of all, Fonio, or what we call Acha locally, is a kind of grain. It used to be really popular, but it didn’t get all the love that Sorghum, millet and co have gotten. What we wanted to do was experiment with Fonio in more consumer-friendly forms. We tried it in baking and different recipes. So we developed a packaged product.
Interesting
We got the money in tranches, and the first one was about ₦1.9 million. The first thing we bought was some equipment. There was a kind of dryer we wanted to buy, but it would have cost us about ₦1.5 million locally to bring it here. So I carried my mechanical engineering sense, and we fabricated locally. That cost ₦500k.
We didn’t want to wait for all the money, so we got started immediately. Took the rest of the money buying tons of Fonio from local women, dehull, wash and package.
The value we were trying to add was taking it quicker to consumption.
What’s the demand for Fonio?
It’s a resilient crop, and it requires no fertiliser. People use it for various things, like pudding, swallow, and even baking. People also tend to encourage it as a healthy alternative for diabetic people. But, Fonio doesn’t get as much love as you’d expect. It’s not so popular in Nigeria, so while we believed we had a great product, there was one problem – advocacy.
Now, to make a product popular, you need to make a lot of noise about it. When you make noise about it, your increase demand. But that costs a lot of money and resources.
What came next?
I started to experiment with other stuff and gently ease out of full management of Fonio. Somehow, I found my way back to an old obsession – Coffee.
I live in Jos, and because our climate is unique, coffee grows here. I had a coffee tree from about 15 years ago. I’d roast the beans for my dad, and he’d give feedback and I’d improve it.
In 2017, I decided to give it a shot. I actually tried to go at it from scratch – so I threw in one careless ₦5k.
Then I started going to people who had farms and buying berries from them. Buy, process, roast, sell. And slowly, it grew. By October, we’d done about 800k in revenue. The profit was just about 380-something-k.
The biggest struggle that year though, was that when I started buying coffee, a lot of them were bad. So I started researching more about how to properly treat coffee better, and transferring whatever I learned to farmers.
₦380k? I’m not sure that was enough to sustain you.
So, because I was researching more than most people, that also created another opportunity. I started consulting for other farmers, and someone even asked me to help him co-manage his plantation. It’s sitting on about 50 hectares of land.
I believe there’s a growing coffee culture in Nigeria, and I want to be a part of that. Especially because the coffee we brew is not only fresh – a lot of imported coffee is stale – and it’s homegrown.
If you ask me about numbers, I can assure you that I know very little about those things. My wife was the one managing my finances, while I just focused on making my roast better.
Ask my wife, please.
Fair enough.
Hello, your partner asked me to ask you about money, because he doesn’t seem to know much about it.
Hahaha. Very good. I actually started keeping records in July 2017, because there needed to be a system that showed progression and tracked growth or something. There was no evidence that there was growth, because we weren’t tracking anything. He’s passionate, but passion is not always enough to run a business. If you have passion but no skills, it dies.
Word.
In August 2017, it was ₦50k. These days, it can fetch many times that amount on very good months. In March, for example, we made up to ₦400k in profit.
That is interesting.
Yes, that’s more than the entire 2017 from selling coffee alone. We tend to re-invest a lot of it in materials, from the coffee beans to the packaging. Also, because you don’t harvest all year round, we invest in buying a large amount of coffee beans.
So, what’s the most important lesson as an entrepreneur?
First of all, hunger is super important. I think entrepreneurship forces you to improve, make things better, and do things differently.
It is also forcing me to work on my personal discipline; in finance, in relationships, and everything –
Her: – he still needs to hire someone to manage his books. I can no longer do it because my 9-5 job is taking my time. There needs to be someone to actually pay him a salary. That forces him to be more accountable.
How much salary do you think you’d earn as an entrepreneur in 5 years?
Him: Using today’s value, maybe ₦100k?
Her: Add more.
Him: Okay, ₦250k. I think what is most important for me is that we have a strong place in the new coffee culture in Nigeria in the next 5 years.
Entrepreneur or not, bills need to get paid. How’s that going?
First of all, the most important one is rent, and ₦250k per year fetches us a really good 2-bedroom. I hardly go out much, except I have to go and get materials. That means I don’t spend a lot on transport. Last-last, ₦50k is enough for a good month in Jos.
Minus your business, what other investments do you have?
Her: Right now, we’re actually looking into doing mutual funds, my sister is a heavy investor in mutual funds. I’m considering it too though. Aside from that, I also invested in a farm with my parents. It’s about 9 hectares of Rice and Soya Beans.
When do you think you’ll retire?
Her: My husband said he wants to die at 85, so that he doesn’t turn to anybody’s problem. Hahaha.
Him: It’s too much?
Her: Too small. Anyway, you’ll be too troublesome then. Him: By 60, I’m done with work. Then I’ll be travelling, and having the time of my life.
What was the last thing you paid for that required serious planning?
A van – to be honest, it’s still in the works. My farm is quite far from the house, so buying a van will help me move produce fast.
What’s the most annoying thing you’ve paid for recently?
We paid for coffee, and they gave us bad coffee beans. We had to return it, and they didn’t pay back for up to a year. A loss.
Do you have an emergency plan for weird things like health emergencies?
Her: We were actually talking about that yesterday, I think we’re going to do it with one of these apps.
Happiness levels, 1-10.
Her: To be honest, we’ve not reached where we want to go.
Him: Yep. But I really don’t feel like I’m struggling, I even have room to give a lot. So, I’m really good.
Her: We need more sha.
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