Every Nigerian man knows feminists are bad vibes and should be avoided at all costs, but some feminists manage to gain their approval. Would you like to know how to feminist in a way that appeals to Nigerian men? Find out below.
1. Aspire to be “likeable”
Put conscious effort into being liked. Tone down your voice in public spaces, garnish the truth and pander to men as much as possible. The point is to avoid offending the men around you. Audition for male validation every chance you get. Once men start agreeing with your brand of feminism, know you are doing great.
2. Always listen to “both sides”
You must fake objectivity even when it is absolutely unnecessary. The men around you will see you as unbiased and logical. A good example is comparing misandry to misogyny. Call both of them “extreme,” because women must remain calm and unfettered in the face of systemic violence. Always remember to add “not all men” when other women are talking about all the things men are capable of.
3. Uphold culture and tradition even when it doesn’t benefit you
Do it just because you can, after all women are some of the strongest soldiers of the patriarchy. When women object to bride price or taking their husband’s surnames, remind them that they are doing too much. As wives, their business is to the kitchen, their husband and their kids. Everything else na over sabi. Na you talk am and men will stand by you.
4. Stand for equality while reminding other women that the man is the head of the house
Always remind women of their place as the neck of the home even while preaching equality. You can start with, “Women are equal to men,” but quickly add that, “Men are natural leaders, with special leadership qualities vested upon them by virtue of their genitals and God”. Men love feminists who know this.
5. Remind everyone that you’re not like other girls whenever you can
Remind everyone that you’re not like other girls, especially not these toxic feminists who hate men and are always bitter. It doesn’t matter that you have never read anything on the history of feminism, and how women fought on the streets, burnt property, held naked protests, went to prison, just so you can have the rights you have today. Those women must’ve been incredibly bitter and were doing too much. You are not like them and everybody needs to know.
6. Occasionally, tweet things like, “Women are not fighting against oppression; they just want to be the oppressor,” or, “Women are their worst enemies.”
This should be a constant feature in your journey to be a feminist loved by Nigerian men. Women’s worst enemies aren’t the ones at the center of their harassment or violence, but their fellow women, of course. When a woman catches her husband cheating, her worst enemy is the other woman that lured her naive husband into adultery.
7. Shut down other women when they call out oppression by saying they’re playing victim
You know, the same way Nigerians are always playing victim by spending all day calling out political and ethnic oppression instead of just working hard to improve things for themselves, yes, just that. Women too are imagining things because they have too much time on their hands. They should get their ass up and get to work.
8. Be an equity feminist
Tell everyone that cares to listen that the feminist fight should be for equity and not equality because, in your imagined world, equity can be achieved without addressing the root cause that is inequality. Conflate equality with sameness, because for some reason, in this special world of divine comprehension, they both mean the same thing.
9. Shit on sex workers
Do this as often as possible in order to signal that you are different. Compare them to actual criminals like fraudsters and money ritualists because sex is as harmful to the human population as killing and stealing. It does not matter that you as a woman are one kidnap or murder away from being stripped of your humanity, just do it.
10. Be queerphobic
Need I say more? You don’t have to do it the old fashioned way, you know. Be benevolent with it. Posture as that bisexual feminist who fancies threesomes and you will have a lot of cis men lined up and salivating. Drop queerphobic nuggets from time to time like, “Don’t make your sexuality your personality.” Remember to always end it with, “I’m not homophobic, I have gay friends.” Nigerian men will be falling over themselves to marry you.
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