Zikoko Guide | Zikoko!

Someone, please, put Nigeria and her leaders in a firefighter suit right now. They’re trying to quench the fire on us hot babes with a large hose.

At first, we thought it was just bants and they would get their act together. But we’re three months into 2024, HERtitude is mere weeks away, and they’re still moving like insanity is their middle name.

While they act like anything but their age, here’s our hot babe playbook to make sure you keep the fire burning while we plan the hottest party of the year for girls only.

Get a mantra

A little insider secret from a self-proclaimed hot babe: if you stand in front of your mirror for ten minutes a day and chant “I’m a hot babe” six times, you’ll become one. Once you step outside, other people will know a hot babe has arrived.

Believe in your sauce

As long as the sun shines and the moon comes out at night, you’re the hottest babe to ever exist, and you better believe it. If you don’t believe in your hotness, how would other people believe in it?

Do what makes you happy

Love who you want, wear what you want, and do what you want. As long as no one’s getting hurt by it, you should definitely do it. If anybody has anything to say about it, clear them and report to us. We’ll take it up from there.

Get your money up

As a hot babe who has stared into sapa’s eyes before, I’m here to tell you that you need to get your money up. It might take a while, and it won’t be the easiest thing, but you need to start making money moves before sapa and his siblings pour ice-cold water on your hotness.

Take care of yourself

Fan your flames and make sure you’re burning as bright as you can. The only way to maintain your hot babe status is to take care of yourself and love yourself. If that means cutting off people with bad vibes, then so be it.

But make room for other hot babes

The only thing you’re allowed to pit against each other is amala and semo, and that’s because amala would win every single time. You’re not allowed to pit hot babes against each other or let people pit you against other hot babes. If you do, your hot babe card will be revoked.

You think we’re playing? Just try it and see.

Come for HERtitude

It’s the biggest gathering of hot babes on this planet. If people see you at HERtitide, they won’t have the mind to think you’re anything BUT a hot babe. So, you need to get your ticket now.

Stock up on fans

Don’t get it twisted; they’re not for you. They’re for the people around you, so they can cool down when your heat becomes overwhelming. And it will.

Chioma Munachi

March 13, 2024

Her

hertitude, hot babes, Zikoko Guide
Fuji music is a Nigerian staple. Some Nigerian pop stars such as Olamide, Asake and Seyi Vibez make music that’s a hybrid of afrobeats, hip-hop and fuji, but the budding artistes don’t have to dilute Fuji with disco to become legends. You can focus on just Fuji music. This is the guide you need.

Have a unique name

You can’t go wrong with something strong and catchy as a stage name in Fuji music. Here’s an easy formula: use your nickname or merge it with your first name. E.g. Saheed Osupa, Taiye Currency Ayinde Barrister and Ayinde Kollington. I hope your name is not Wasiu or Ayinde sha, before people call you an impersonator.

Mention it every minute

You need to constantly drop your full government and nickname while singing. If you’re not doing that, you’re not ready for the world to know your name.

Have street credibility

If you haven’t served some time in the streets, your Fuji musician status is “learner.” The fastest and surest way is either to get four-year experience as a NURTW member or work as a freelance bus conductor.

Form your band

Assemble the best drummers, backup vocalists, keyboardist and a hypeman with a baritone. Then get an official fabric seller who’ll constantly supply the band the best ankara and lace fabrics. Alternatively, the uniform can be polo shirts and facecaps with the band name printed on. Everyone should look flyer than Barrister and boys in 1989.

Learn praise-singing

Scam people into spraying you all their money with your high praises. If you can make people’s heads swell with your music, it’ll take you far and they’ll call you to the next ceremony in your hood. You better learn it so you can secure the Fuji bag.

Do you know any proverbs?

Whether you’re motivating, making social commentary or throwing words like stones, you must be clever with your figures of speech and best not miss.

Have a photographic memory

Imagine the embarrassment if you forget the name of the person who’s spraying you money halfway through your set? All it takes is one fuck up, and your whole reputation is out the window.

Add your abroad experiences to the music

How else do we know you’re spreading the gospel of fuji across the globe? You need to travel and then come back to give us your London Experience Vol. 1 – 5 or Amsterdam Tour part one and two, to certify your legend status.

READ: The Zikoko Guide: Nigerian Music Industry 101

Tomide Marv

July 12, 2023

Pop

fuji, fuji music, music, Pop, pop culture, Zikoko Guide
People cry for a lot of reasons. Maybe the waiter got your order wrong after making you wait for an hour plus, or it might be tears of joy from finally finding a taxi after a ridiculously long wait time. Whatever the case may be, if you find yourself always teary-eyed with makeup on, here are ways to let the tears flow, but continue looking like a bad bitch.

Cry directly into a bucket

Hold your face over the bucket, and keep your eyes wide open. Once you hear the first teardrop hit the bottom of the bucket, congratulations, you’re doing it right.

Wipe your tears with money, not your hands

If you’re going to cry in public after getting the face beat of your life, then you better be wiping those tears with cool cash. People might see you crying, but at least you’d be crying with money.

Fan your face

Something about moving your hands back and forth over your face and taking multiple deep breaths helps the tears remain at bay, and even if they come out , it’ll be just a few drops.

Remind yourself of all the hard work that went into perfecting your look

The perfect makeup looks take money, time, and effort so remember all you put in to look like Agbani Darego’s twin and act accordingly.

Send the tears back

Fold your arms, rock back and forth, then shake your head really fast, do this twice, and watch the tears return to where they came from.

Blink

Blink rapidly for 5 seconds. You’ll either stop crying, or everyone around you would wonder if all is well. Either way, your tears would no longer be a problem.

Open your eyes…wide

If you feel the tears coming, we suggest you keep those eyes wide open. Close it even in the slightest, and the teargates would open like Moses just let the red sea go.

Use a Zaron eyeliner

Prevention is way better than cure. It’s best to draw on that sharp AF cat eye wings with Zaron’s Axe liquid or smoke gel eyeliner. They glide easily over your eyes and are smudge-proof, so you can wear them all day long without a bother. Look at us putting you on, don’t say we didn’t do anything for you.

Chioma Munachi

June 20, 2023

Inside Life

makeup, Zikoko Guide
So you just discovered on TikTok that all the totally normal behaviours you have are people-pleasing characteristics. It turns out you’re just not that nice for niceness sake; and even your willingness to always let things slide is a trauma response. Thank you, TikTok, for the diagnosis!

Here’s how to say no as a people pleaser.

You have to practise passive assertiveness

Your body language should say no before opening your mouth to say yes. The next time a friend or coworker comes to ask you for something at your inconvenience, stand like this:

RELATED: How to Successfully Teleport the Food From Your Dream to Real Life

If that doesn’t work, just close your eyes

If you can’t see the face of the person trying to inconvenience you, you’re less likely to want to help them.

Walk away as fast as you can

If they can’t catch you, they can’t ask you to do anything for them.

Tap into your inner toddler and start reporting everybody

Snitches get stitches, but sometimes it’s necessary to snitch before you faint from exhaustion. Shout “I will report you oh” like a toddler who discovered the word “no”.

Tape your mouth shut and glue your hands to your sides.

If your mouth is closed, everyone will take your silence as no, and if your hands are glued to your sides, you can’t shrug and say yes. When they see you trying to enforce boundaries like this, they’ll leave you alone.

Buy a big placard with the word “NO” written boldly

You can wear it on your neck or carry it in a bag. Next time your roommate asks you if they can eat the cake you’ve been saving for later, just bring the placard out. Or if your boss tries to give you more work than you can handle, you know what to do.

Chant “no” to yourself in the mirror every morning

There’s nothing as effective as using the actual word itself being used as an affirmation. Try to say it with a smile, so they know that if they keep pushing, they’re about to see crazy. When the conductor asks for his change, say no. When the food delivery people ask for their money, tell them no. Go forth and succeed.

READ ALSO: How To Make Friends: A Zikoko Guide

Malakai Bassey

November 2, 2022

Inside Life

Inside life, listicle, people pleaser, Zikoko Guide
So, you just got paid. But it’s been three days, your account is back to factory settings and you constantly find yourself dreaming about food.

You looking at all the debits coming in without conscience

As if you’re not someone’s precious child.

Now you’ve kept money aside for rent, data and transport but no money for food

Fear not, Zikoko to the rescue. What is better than spaghetti Bolognese in real life? Spaghetti Bolognese in your dreams.

The first thing you need to do is learn how to manifest

The same mind that imagined that perfect smelling jollof rice can manifest it into existence. If you learnt nothing from the astrology girlies, learn this.

Kidnap the witch giving you the dream food

Not everyone’s mind is strong enough, but if you can imprison the food creator you’ll never run out of food. And then they won’t even be able to use your destiny.

The witch might try putting up a fight, so be ready to negotiate

If you can’t beat them, join them, innit? You don’t even have to quit your day job since they move at night. When they share their monthly flour for puff-puff and sweets to sell to children, just keep yours and start a provision store.

The only problem is that the food is cursed, and people may start disappearing

But as a sharp-thinking Nigerian, every problem is an opportunity to make money. You now have free dream food, and you can return those people to their families for a price. Innovate, expatiate, activate.

Now, you have enough money to buy plenty anointing oil to bless the food

Don’t forget the mission. It’s the dream food we are here for, after all. Get that pastor to bless as many anointing oils to sprinkle on the now blessed spirit amala and ewedu with ten pieces of ogunfe.

Rinse and repeat for the rest of your life

And if you’re wondering how you’ll leave the coven when you get tired, this is just supposed to help you teleport the food from your dream, so you’re on your own. Please don’t disturb me.

You’re welcome!

READ ALSO: 6 Ways To Become A Millionaire Overnight

Malakai Bassey

October 1, 2022

Inside Life

Funny, Inside life, listicle, Zikoko Guide
Finding success in Nollywood is not beans. With the industry growing into one of the biggest in the world, almost everyone wants a taste of the lights, camera, action. But do you know what it takes to make a Nollywood romcom? Well, luckily for you, we do. To help our aspiring filmmakers, we compiled a list of things you need to make a successful Nigerian romcom. Are you taking notes?

1. Your female lead must be an IJGB with a quirky job

This is the foundation of your film. You mess this up, and your film won’t last two weekends in the cinema. What you need is a female lead who just moved back to Nigeria and has a successful career as a Sh-E-O working as an art dealer, florist or ballerina — the more unrelatable she is, the better. These jobs will also explain why she’s always at a cute café, restaurant, premiere or fashion show, as opposed to dancing to the drums of capitalism like the rest of us.

2. You’re nothing without your accents

It has to be a war of the accents. Everyone needs to be doing gbas gbos when they open their mouths. You give me American-Russian and I’ll give you Lekki-British. The only people allowed to speak like normal Nigerians are the security guards and maids — make sure their “local” accents are exaggerated and silly just so the audience can laugh at them.

3. Everybody has to be rich AF

Poverty is cute, but not for romcoms. What’s not clicking here? Even world-renowned poet, David Adeleke, once said, “Love is sweet o, but when money enter, love is sweeter.” In Nigeria, we don’t believe in poor or middle-class romance dear. How do you hope to capture all the pretty nightclubs and restaurants if your main characters don’t have excess funds to go there?

4. If your male lead doesn’t have a six-pack, cancel the film

You need a shirtless scene that’ll cause commotion in the cinema, and for this to work, your male lead must have ridges on his stomach. Please count them o! He must have a minimum of six packs because anything less than that doesn’t work. God forbid you have a regular-looking man who eats carbs after 7 p.m as your lead actor. What will people say?

5. Make sure it’s an ensemble

Romcom that’s not an ensemble in big 2022? You must be a joker. Pack as many stars as your budget can allow. Mix it up: Asaba Nollywood, New Nollywood, BBNaija alumni and Instagram skit makers. Mix all of them and put them into one pot — it doesn’t matter whether they can act or not, just put them in it. Get that bag.

6. Your love interests have to hate each other at first

He must think she’s too opinionated and full of herself, and she must think he’s a player and pretty boy with nothing in his brain. This hatred is fake though, because deep down he admires her independence, while she admires the fact that he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. Last last, all this initial gragra will end in hot fo—romance.

7. A female best friend co-worker or mother dedicated to finding the female lead some good penising

Your female lead needs ginger to go out there and find a man. Who better to provide this push than her mum or best friend. These characters must be nosy and tread the thin line between cute and annoying. They must also remind your female lead that, “A woman is like a flower,” and that she may soon have cobwebs between her legs.

8. The one dimensional male best friend

This guy’s role goes in one of two ways: it’s either he has small sense or he’s just a clown. This is where your influencer or BBNaija alumnus comes in. He exists solely to give the male lead really good or really fucking awful advice. There’s no in-between here.

9. Something must try to put sand in their love garri

Love in Nigeria is a battlefield, and to properly depict this, you have to test the love of your lead characters. Show us why they’re meant to be together, even though their chemistry is as bad as yesterday’s fried rice. Throw in family disapproval, busy careers or a wicked ex that is against their progress, and you have a great story on your hands.

10. You have to give us fashunzzz and aesthetics

Can your lead actors act? Not really, but who cares when they’re serving us back to back lewkks. Make sure your female lead never wears flats, and make sure your male lead is always in a suit even though his only destination for that day is shoprite. Distract us from the chaotic and unrealistic plot with high fashion and we’ll be okay. T for Tenks.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

February 21, 2022

Pop

Movies, Nollywood, Pop, Zikoko Guide
My fellow kings, if there’s one thing you should focus on this year, it’s securing the bag. Who cares about emotional growth when you can do dorime every Friday? Just because you’re not in tech claiming donkey abi unicorn status, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve good things. To help you unlock the fresh baby boy life, we’ve compiled a guide on how to land sugar mummies #watimagbo✊🏾.

1. Use all your money to sew trad

You want to land a premium sugar mummy and you’re out here wearing skinny jeans and all these alté baffs? We can see you’re not focused in life. To get the part, you have to look the part. Wearing trad all the time makes you look responsible. Your sugar mummy can be seen in public with you and still introduce you as her business partner or assistant. It makes life easier. Why do you think all the men in Abuja are wearing trad?

2. Grow a beard

My fellow king, being a fine boy is important, but what does it profit a man to pack all the fineness in the world and still end up beardless? We all know beards are to men what bone straights are to women. If your beard has been struggling to connect since the last elections, I’ll strongly advise you to walk away now because this sugar baby thing is not in your destiny at all.

3. Find rich friends and start fornicating with their mums

Do you see that guy in the club that’s always doing dorime? Yes, the one from a wealthy family. It’s time to kiss his bumbum with vim until he becomes your friend. Convince him to invite you into his home, and when no one notices, cut eye for his mother. Take risk and succeed.

4. Switch to your native name

Our research has shown that sugar mummies respond more to Nigerian names. Sorry for you if you’re still doing “Daniel” or “Jerome” because Mrs. A is looking for an “Adekunle” or “Ndifreke”. Have you met a sugar baby with a colonizer name before? We’re glad you know this too.

5. Invest in a babalawo

Nollywood wasn’t lying; jazz is real. It’s time for you to copy one of those numbers you see on the road offering love potions. Meet up with baba, tie red satin around your waist, drop boiled yam and palm oil at your junction by midnight, collect the love potion and trap your sugar mummy’s destiny in a groundnut bottle. Before you know it, you’ll have moved into a flat in Ikoyi.

6. Pray, fast or manifest

This is for those of you too scared to step into the dark side of juju. If you want to pick the longer route, you can fast and pray to sky daddy to send a sugar mummy your way. Keep in mind that Abraham and Sarah did not receive their package until they were 100 years old and 90 years old respectively. If you’re into star signs and Mercury in Guinea brocade, you can light scented candles and start manifesting. Good luck to all of you.

7. Become a gym rat

Do you see that six-pack you’ve been avoiding? You must have it o. All that eating hot semo by midnight like a witch has to end today. Register in the nearest gym and spend at least four hours running up and down like your village people are chasing you. Lift the heaviest weight you can find and be motivated by all the credit alerts your future sugar mummy will bombard you with. Sha note that the goal is to look like Mawuli Gavor, not The Rock. No go dey do pass yourself.

8. Stop chasing small small girls around town

If there’s one thing we’ve learnt from Nollywood films, it’s that sugar mummies hate it when they have to share their property. You can’t be chasing an oil rig and still have time for kerosine. If you’re currently in a relationship, end it now (it will even save you Valentine money that you don’t have). Before you know it now, your sugar mummy will start talking about how she picked you from the gutter and made you who you are today. To avoid insults, put all your eggs in sugar mummy’s basket.

9. Drown yourself in oud

Before you enter an estate, they need to smell you from the gate. You’re putting the perfume on your neck and wrists only? You must be a novice. Fix up asap.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

January 20, 2022

Man Dem

Mandem, Nigerian Men, Sugar mummy, Zikoko Guide
Tough times are lasting and as such desperate times call for desperate measures. We all want to steal, but the idea of prison doesn’t seem sexy. That’s why we helped create a guide that teaches you to steal without getting caught. Stay thieving.

1) Be Invisible

Find a way to turn yourself invisible. How you do it is not our problem, but just find out how to do it. How will they catch you if they can’t see you?

2) Dress like a masquerade

Who wants to accuse a masquerade of being a thief? The best part about dressing as a masquerade is that there is enough space inside their ensembles for you to hide what you steal. Not only is the masquerade outfit a cloaking device, but also a storage facility. Best of both worlds.

3) Be a Nigerian politician

Nigerian politicians are the ultimate thieves. That’s why if you don’t want to get caught, that’s where to be. Pad a budget or two, divert national funding, have some ghost workers and then you’re rolling in billions. If you really don’t want to be caught, then you should belong to the same party as the President. That way, if they do make the mistake of catching you, you’d have Presidential protection.

4) Be the first to shout “ole”

If they’re chasing you while you’re running, then just turn around and start chasing them instead. While you’re running after them, don’t forget to shout Ole!

5) Rub oil all over your body

The statement “as slippery as an eel” is not for beans. To steal without getting caught, you need to embody the spirit of an eel. That’s why you have to rub oil on our body. That way, anyone that tries to catch you will lose their grip. All oils are welcome, except for palm oil. If you use palm oil, they might catch you.

6) Spiritual robbery

Another time they can’t catch you is when you steal in the spirit. Spiritual stealing does not translate to being caught in the physical world.

7) Steal stolen money

If you steal the money someone else has stolen, then they’re unable to report you and get you arrested. Sure, they might spiritually deal with you or gather people to beat you, but that doesn’t matter. As long as you’re not in prison.

[donation]

For more on what is inside this life, please click here

Itohan Esekheigbe

October 21, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, guide, listicle, Zikoko Guide
Nigerians want natural remedies for everything. From minor issues to things that may need surgery, agbo or some well-packaged variation is all they need.

So if you’ve been wondering how to sell your latest herbal product, let Zikoko hook you up with a guide on how to market herbal medicine to Nigerians.

1. The packaging must be green

How else will people know that it was made with natural ingredients? Green signifies health and growth, Nigerians like things like that, just look at our national flag. Okay maybe not that flag, that’s a red flag.

2. It must be affordable

If your herbal medicine isn’t affordable, and by affordable, we mean ₦50-₦100, you’re deceiving yourself because who will buy it? Times are hard, dollar is rising and we’re saving for japa. If your medicine is not affordable, what is small sickness that we can’t manage?

3. It must cure Staphylococcus aureus

And all the aureuses [pronounced arus] in the world. You don’t even have to know what it means but it is guaranteed to make your advert stand out. Nigerians like to hear big words.

4. It must have an Interesting name

If you want to capture the hearts and pockets of your customers, make the name of your herbal medicine interesting. Think “Dr Kehinde’s fast relief”, “Blessed Miracle cleanser”, “Ajase-Ipo tonic super powder.” “Ojuelegba low sperm count destroyer.” “Professor Emmanuel’s womb cleanser’ ”. Be creative!

5. Your product must use buzz words

You have a lot of competition and people have short attention spans. You have to use words and illnesses that will quickly catch their attention. Words like “infection, rheumatism, waist pain, low sperm count, jedi jedi” The more the merrier.

Nigerians love it when one drug can cure many things, especially headaches and body pain because being a Nigerian is tiring.

6. It must be useful for people’s sex lives

Don’t overthink this and don’t ask why. Just make sure your herbal medicine can cure low sperm count, fix erectile dysfunction (which you MUST describe as ‘weak erection’), thicken watery sperm, etc. Nigerians can be hush-hush about sex, so when people rush your product you might think it’s because many people have headaches. That’s not what they’re buying it for. At all.

7. Have a funny jingle

Remember, there’s no need to pay for radio or TV advertisements. Just buy a big megaphone, place it in the middle of a major market and have someone market your herbal medicine wearing a blazer over a t-shirt no matter how hot the sun is. If little kids can’t recite your wildly inappropriate jingle unprovoked, you need to change it.

8. Make sure it contains ginseng and moringa

This guarantees that older Nigerians will buy your product. Ginseng is ginger that studied abroad and Nigerians believe that ginger can cure everything. Moringa helps lower your blood pressure. The lower it is, the less likely you are to fight people on the road for no reason.

9. Be incredibly graphic when describing the diseases that your medicine treats.

Who gives a shit that you’re in a public bus where people might be eating things like gala and yoghurt? You have medicine to sell, and you will scream at everybody in that danfo about the milky discharge that comes with staphylococcus aureus until they either buy what you’re selling or throw up in disgust. It’s their call, to be honest.

10. Now you’re ready to sell your own herbal medicine

Go forth and froth. Whatever your eye sees, we’re not there.

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

October 7, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, Herbal medicine, Inside life, Zikoko Guide
Manifesting a good Monday is not as hard as you’d think. As a Nigerian, you already know to expect the worst, it’s time to channel that bad energy into good manifestation and we have a few tips.

1. Do not fight your neighbour

Your day could start so much better if you don’t spend half an hour cursing your neighbour, not even in your head. Did they leave their generator on for an entire night? Yes. Was it annoying? Yes. Do you think they are into money laundering? Yes, but that’s not the point. Manifesting a good Monday is easy, just ignore them, shikena.

2. Have breakfast

A hungry person is an angry person, and an angry person is the devil’s workshop. If food is inside your stomach, you are less likely to want to kill anybody that tries to talk to you, and you’d be in a good mood. This Information is tested and trusted by the foodie association of Nigeria

3. Enter a bike

Not every time comfort. For one Monday, ride a bike from your house to your office, let the breeze touch your face and your one life flash before your eyes. Cheating death has a way of putting you in a good mood.

4. Do something that sparks joy

Treat yourself Monday should be a thing. Deceive your brain into thinking that you are happy. The joy good food gives is underrated and underappreciated but it doesn’t have to be food, it could be buying that shoe that has been sitting in your cart for a month.

5. Make a fire playlist

Music makes everything better. All those songs that have been stuck in your head, put them in one playlist. Listen to it while you take a bath, workout, rush to work and help yourself manifest a good Monday.

6. Don’t open your email until Tuesday

I promise you, nobody will die. Will you possibly lose your job or get reported to HR? Yes, but the point is that nobody will die.

7. Don’t look at your account balance

After spending money you shouldn’t have during the weekend, the best thing you can do is to ignore the lies in your account balance. Don’t check it, especially not on Monday so you don’t fuck up your mood.

8. Don’t go out

Extend your weekend. How could Monday sneak up on you like that? Who made anyone the chief commander of calendar days? For clear skin, extend your weekend and sleep in abeg, stress is not your portion.

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

October 4, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, Humour, Inside life, manifestation, Zikoko Guide
Nigerian weddings are a nightmare, and since the government and the world recognize you as an adult now — and guys I mean people above 18 — you will begin to get a lot of wedding invitations. How fun! Here are a few tips, so you don’t feel lost on what to do and how to behave.

1. Establish that you are poor

You shouldn’t have to drink garri for two weeks because you bought Aso-Ebi. It’s not even your wedding. Make sure you explain how poor you are, so they don’t keep calling you. They should find someone else to fund their destination honeymoon. If showing up is not enough for them, my dear, save that cab fare.

2. No gift is too small

Remember when you first moved into your new place and almost proposed to that person that brought spoons as a housewarming gift? Exactly. Buy what you can afford, abeg. If they want to fight you, give them our number.

3. Do not sit at the back in the reception

You made the effort to go to a Nigerian wedding and now, you want to spoil it because you are shy? How will you get the souvenirs, especially if you paid for Aso-Ebi? Jazz up.

4. Choose one event and attend it

If you want to go for the church service, good. If it’s the reception, better. Except you bought shares in their marriage, I don’t know why you’d go for both. Nigerian weddings last for too long.

5. Wear whatever you want

If the bride is going to get upset that your dress looks better than her WEDDING GOWN, clearly she lacked imagination when she was choosing it, and that’s on her. Wear what makes you feel good, maybe you’ll meet a glucose guardian as that is their main base.

6. Prepare to be depressed

It is easier to tweet that when older people ask you when you’d get married, you’ll ask them why they haven’t died but it is hard to say it. If it’s a family wedding, then sorry to you and all the hot takes you’ll hear from aunties in a thirty-year-old loveless marriage. Airpods were created specifically to block out their voices.

7. Eat

Does burial rice slap? Yes, but wedding rice slaps just as hard. Nobody will judge you for asking for a take-home pack. They will look at you in all your singleness and give you two packs because they think you are starving. However, if you aren’t family, please prepare for insort.

8. Take pictures

One thing about Nigerian weddings is that the venue is mostly picture-worthy. Take as many nice pictures as your phone’s storage will let you. When I say take pictures, I don’t mean pictures from those photographers that appear out of nowhere, except you want to pay for something that you’ll end up keeping carelessly.

9. Have fun

Catch the bouquet if you are into that kind of thing, dance like it’s your wedding, eat, drink and be merry. If you are out when you should be resting, you might as well have fun.

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

August 18, 2021

Inside Life

Inside life, Nigerian weddings, Zikoko Guide
There are certain things to consider when making a music video but if you are a Nigerian looking to make a music video, you can just disregard all those things and do these instead. There are a lot of things to consider when making a music video, here is a guide on how to make a perfect romantic music video.

1. Mention someone’s name

Use a generic name like Joanna, Folake, Shade — Make sure it’s a name people can chant. This is important for when you are performing on stage, so you can ask any girl with that name to join you on stage as the sweetheart musician you are.

if babes don’t react like this, you are doing something wrong.

2. A cute phone scene

This is an important thing to consider when making a music video. There must be a scene when you and your love interest are on the phone in different rooms. You must be singing into the phone and she can sit looking cute or rolling around her bed and smiling sheepishly for no reason like people in love always do.

3. Go on a date in the video

Please what is a romantic music video without a romantic date? Take her to places people don’t usually go on their first date, like a paintball arena. Be creative and original. Because after shooting someone they will still love you innit? If you shoot her and she cries, we can’t assure you of a second date. Don’t blame Zikoko

4. Order fried rice

People don’t do this anymore but if you are shooting a restaurant scene make sure you both order fried rice. Except you are a Lagosian, then you can order creamy pasta. Don’t let this tradition die.

5. There must be a rain scene

Nothing says romance like a rain scene. Are you really in love if rain is not beating you like a thief? Every musician and their daddies have used this at least once. How do you think the weather for two propaganda started? Don’t sleep on this.

6. A plot twist

Is there a fine line between music videos and movies? Yes. Are Nigerians aware? No. It can be something small from the love interest in your video being your half-sister, to her resurrecting from the dead.

7. There must be a bad belle

As there are antagonists in real life, there must be a bad belle in your music video. Of all the things to consider when making a music video, this is very important. Your bad belle can be everlasting poverty, a greedy father, or even a jealous best friend.

8. Influencer starter pack

It is very telling of your character as a musician if you don’t have at least one influencer in your video. Who will hype it for you before everyone else watches it?

9. Aesthetics

You must have a couple of models standing in a place that makes them stand out, like a rowdy market, wearing African designer haute couture for no reason. You can also make sure that you are wearing different shades of a particular colour in every scene for the ‘aesthetics’.

10. Choose your producer

This is the most important decision of all…based on your budget. Everyone will judge you based on who you hire to produce your music video so choose wisely before you become a meme we will gladly upload it on our meme site.

Malakai Bassey

August 11, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, Inside life, Music videos, Musician, Zikoko Guide
The regular dating pool is a mess and all the people in it are various levels of terrible. But that is nothing compared to the gutter that is dating creatives. If you need a reason why you shouldn’t date a creative, here are 11.

1. They are either overdressed or underdressed

Or sometimes, a weird mix of both. These people are very mannerless. You can’t tell if they are running late for an 8 a.m. work meeting or a beach day with friends. They are always dressed wrong for every occasion, except when they want to upstage their “enemies.” My dear, burn those cargo pants today and just be ready to be single.

2. They will break your heart into a million pieces

For example, if you have the misfortune of dating a poet, you need to go for deliverance and book therapy sessions ahead. You were probably thinking that they will write you cute poetry every morning, but what you will get is a beautifully written break-up letter that will destroy you forever.

3. You’ll hardly have anything in common

I know this sounds like a bad thing but it’s not. If you are committed to dating a creative person, not having anything in common is good but only for them. They get to spend hours talking about the stuff they like. Like convincing you that you’ll like some terribly made movie they think is groundbreaking

4. Anything you say will end up in their book

Or whatever piece of media they eventually put out. If you have decided to date a writer, I pity you sha. You think your partner is attentive because they listen to you rant and ask questions but the truth is they are simply taking notes in their head for when you two inevitably break up and they use you as a villain in their book.

5. They are unnecessarily petty

You can’t argue with your musician boyfriend because the next thing you know, he has used the voice note where you told him that he will never blow for his album intro. Dating a creative is a nightmare.

6. They are spontaneous on their own terms

Don’t bother trying to take a cute unawares picture with your photographer partner because If they don’t edit it to perfection how will people know that they are good at their job? At least you’d have good pictures after you break up except they watermark it out of spite.

7. They are overly dramatic

Have you ever told an artist that they put too much pepper in their food? Next thing, they will say that you called their painting ugly. There is nothing like constructive criticism with them.

8. You are an amusement to them, not their muse

They might be interested in you today, but for how long? Don’t let them sell you dirty lies. It takes a lot to keep these people. Is it even worth it? Break up today for your peace of mind.

9. You’ll realize that you can’t speak English

You think you know English, my dear you know nothing. It’s bad enough that they have the creative license to create words, they also know words you’ve never heard of. Do not be swayed by good English. That’s how we got colonized the last time.

10. They spoil everything

You can never enjoy anything artistic with them because they always have notes. The lighting could have been better in that scene. The camera angles are wrong. That song is wrong for that scene and other stories. They will ruin everything you love.

11. They have terrible vices

Creatives like to lie to themselves that instead of addictions, what they have are creativity boosters. Meanwhile, they have vices that have vices. Dating a creative is an extreme sport that is not for the weak-minded. Be ready to see them at their worst.

Malakai Bassey

August 4, 2021

Inside Life

creatives, dating, Inside life, relationship advice, Zikoko Guide
Are you tired of waiting for a promotion that doesn’t seem to be coming? We get it, and that’s why we made this guide to getting one.

1. Work hard

Work very hard. Show up at work before everybody. Do their work and yours too. You can even go on public holidays to show them that you mean business. They will have no choice but to promote you.

2. Ask (beg) for a promotion

Ask, and it shall be given unto you. If you want a promotion, just ask. If that fails, don’t worry. There are other things you can try.

3. Pray and fast

If asking your employer doesn’t work, take it up to sky daddy. Pray and fast for 7 days straight. We promise that things will change.

4. Announce your promotion

It doesn’t matter if they’ve not promoted you. Just announce it and thank them for promoting you.

5. Shapeshift

This is the easiest way to get a promotion. Simply turn into the person occupying the position you want and lock them in a room.

6. Lock yourself in your boss’ office

Lock yourself in your boss’ office before they get there. Declare yourself the new boss and start running things.

When you finally get that promotion, don’t forget to spray us money.

For more of our amazing guides, click here.

Tuntamilore

May 12, 2021

Inside Life

promotion, work, Zikoko Guide
If you’re thinking of dating a gym rat, the best place to meet them is a gym. If you go to the gym and see these extremely fit people, or even the gym instructor and all of a sudden you’re catching feelings. My dear, it’s dehydration, kill that crush because here are 10 things you will have to deal with if you date them.

1. They blend everything

Irrespective of taste difference, they will blend it. At odd hours in the morning, mid-afternoon, late at night? If drinking their disgusting mixtures doesn’t kill you, all that noise will. You shouldn’t be dating someone that is trying to kill you.

2. They carry water bottles everywhere

I have no problem with people carrying portable tanks up and down but the moment you’re a little thirsty and you ask them for water? Very stingy set of people.

3. If they are on a diet, you are on a diet

Your new gym rat partner will disturb you about what you eat so much and if you don’t have a very strong will, you’d end up giving in. The worst part is that they recommend that you eat everything but that actual version of human food e.g carrot milk, wtf is that?

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4. Understand that you’re in a throuple

You are dating them and the gym at once. For your sake, don’t ever ask a gym rat to choose between you and the gym because it will end in premium tears.

5. All their hoodies are either skintight or sleeveless

Very inconsiderate people as you can see because why are they wearing something you can’t steal? Must everyone see their gains? Dating a gym rat is a brave task only a few can do.

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6. They will pick you up randomly for no reason

The feeling of being carried is top tier. Until they start using you as a weight lifter when their gym membership expires by mistake for one day.

7. They don’t cheat

It’s not because they can’t oh but because between all the time they spend at the gym and with you, they can’t make time to cheat. Except it’s a Nigerian man then lmao.

8. They wake up very early

Nobody kuku sent you

You must surely know this since you’ve decided to date a gym rat. Make your peace with this and invest in earplugs.

9. They hog the mirror

This seems like something small but imagine that you’re late to work and you can’t look at the mirror because your partner is busy flexing their pecs for one hour, just imagine.

10. They give gifts all the time

Gym membership there, a water bottle here, running shoes, headphones. They’re basically begging you to join their cult.

If you like this, you can read more here

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Malakai Bassey

March 31, 2021

Inside Life

dating, Gym, relationship advice, Zikoko Guide
What differentiates a normal plant owner from a good one, are the things on this list.

1) The richer you are, the better

Majority of all the good plant owners in the world have money. At this point, maybe plants are a new sign of wealth. Any person you know that has more than two plants, bill them. They have money.

2) Have an aesthetic

To step up your game from normal plant owner to boss plant parent extraordinaire, you need an aesthetic. The aesthetic is the vibe needed to let people know you have arrived, and you are a good plant owner. The colours for this aesthetic should be either green, brown, or white.

3) Commit murder a few times

You cannot be successful without trying and failing a few times. Some of your plants must have died as a result of neglect, but that’s okay. It only makes you better.

4) Own as little furniture as possible

At this point, the minimalist lifestyle is all you know. What is furniture if not waste of space persevering?

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5) Constantly post about your plants

Make at least two or three posts a day on social media talking about your plants. You can even go the extra mile by creating social media accounts for the plants and responding to their posts with your personal account.

6) Name your plants

Your plants should have cool, pretty names. They could even be in your traditional language. It is important to do so, you the plant becomes family. Also, you elevate your status from plant owner, to plant parent.

7) Surround yourself with your “children”

Every corner of your house should be surrounded by plants. That way, your children always keep you company. Who needs friends when you have plants?

For more guides on how to best live your life, click here

Itohan Esekheigbe

March 25, 2021

Inside Life

plant owner, plants, Zikoko Guide
Are you tired of running this rat race, just to end up earning peanuts? We feel you, and so we’ve created this guide specially for you, so you can ask your boss for a raise.

Don’t forget us when you’re doing giveaway.

1. First of all, know that once you start, you can’t back out

You can’t go halfway through and say you’re not doing again, so if you don’t want to risk eternal unemployment, just know that once you start, you must finish. Ehen.

2. Now, send a formal email stating that you would like your salary to be increased

Send it with your full chest. If your salary is ₦100,000 and you want them to increase it to 2 BTC, write it there. Closed mouths don’t get fed. Don’t you know that you’re bringing value to their company?

3. If that doesn’t work, walk into your oga’s office and try to talk to them

Try to sort it out man to man.

4. If they’re still being stubborn, tell them that they have one more chance

Dear sir, things about to get ugly. You will run me my coins whether you like it or not.

5. Now, try to seduce them

As you’re rubbing their chest, just take the opportunity to remind them about that raise they wanted to give you. Apologise for threatening them.

5. If they don’t budge, threaten to expose them

Even if you don’t know what to threaten them about, tell them that you’ll leak their secret. Ogas always have dirty secrets.

7. Challenge them to a duel. If you win, you get a raise

Haven’t you heard that the violent take it by force?

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8. If all else fails, go and meet baba. He will know what do to

All you’ll need is one black goat and small palm oil. Salary don set.

9. When your boss finally gives you the raise

QUIZ: Which Currency Should You Be Paid In?

David Odunlami

March 24, 2021

Inside Life

money, salary, Zikoko Guide
The Internet gives people a false sense of anonymity that makes everyone feel like they can act anyhow or say anything. Sometimes, moving mad like that will cause people to drag you from your nonexistent baby hairs. Here’s what to do if you’re caught in this situation.

1. Write an apology in your notes app.

You don’t even have to mean it, you just have to silence them for a bit and whatever you write should be interpreted to mean this;

Wahala for who no dey use notes app

2. Do a giveaway

It can be money, airtime, food, spa tickets. Anything to get back into their good graces. People on the internet can bribed like this.

To err is human, to giveaway is divine. Especially in this economy

3. Rebrand

You can remember your roots and become a sky daddy stan, post motivational quotes, start selling green tea, become a football commentary account or you can go as far as becoming a comedy skit creator.

You might just find your true calling

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4. Fight them

Reply to every and anybody, even the people that are not talking to you. Fight them like you will gain money from it, ask your family members to come and fight for you, dash everybody insults since they wanna move mad.

5. Ignore

Just wait for everything to die down, they will have someone else to disturb in less than an hour. If you’re about that life you can even deactivate for a brief moment, or maybe not.

6. Move silently

For the next one month, resist the urge to drag someone else or misyarn lest they remind you of your own shortcoming and reopen the case file of your dragging.

7. Get ready

Another opportunity may arise for them to drag you again. Don’t let it catch you unawares, Start planning now. Save your strength for the rainy day.

When all these fail, just do better abeg. Only Jesus is new every morning.

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Malakai Bassey

March 24, 2021

Inside Life

Internet bullying, Social media, Zikoko Guide
If you have ever wanted to date a Nigerian woman that is very into Astrology, or you are dating one and do not want problems in your relationship, then this is the guide for you.

1) Set alarm for 11:11

This is so you can both manifest things together. A couple that manifests together, stays together.

2) Save and know your birth chart

You need to have calculated your entire birth chart and have it saved on your phone. If not, what do you do when she asks for your birth chart so she can do a more comprehensive reading? Nothing? That just makes you foolish.

3) Always know when Mercury enters retrograde

If you cannot tell when Mercury is in retrograde, what are you useful for? It is also beneficial to you because there are certain things you do not say to her once Mercury enters retrograde.

Her when you breathe too close during the retrograde

4) Own evil eye jewellery

How else will you protect your relationship from the evil women waiting to snatch you from her?

5) Buy her crystals

Pretty crystals with good energy will be associated with you. That way your presence will be associated with a feeling of calmness. Chess, not checkers

6) Pray and fast regularly

Both of you will be cuddling, you will think all is well, then she asks if she can take some of your blood for a necklace. Or, she asks for a strand of your hair for a spell. They are always asking for parts of your body for one thing or the other. This is why you need to pray and fast without ceasing.

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7) Know your place in her life.

Astrology will always come before you, because if she so much as sees the wrong numbers when she thinks of you, she will dump you. So, have your load packed, because you can be thrown out any time.

For more guides from Zikoko, click here

QUIZ: WHAT’S YOUR ACTUAL ZODIAC SIGN

Forget what you’ve known to be your zodiac sign all these years. This quiz is here to reveal your real zodiac sign. Click here to take it.

Itohan Esekheigbe

March 23, 2021

Her

Astrology, dating, Zikoko Guide
One of the most thriving industries in Lagos is the restaurant industry, People are always looking for where to spend money when there is rice at home, in this economy? And on that salary? Anyways, here are a few tips on breaking into this industry.

1. Make sure it’s in a hidden location

What’s fun about a place that is easy to find right? You can build at the back of ten hospitals and under a bridge if you so wish.

2. Add bistro at the end of the name

Doesn’t matter that your food is way to expensive for a bistro, who gon check you? In Sanwo-Olu’s Lagos?

3. Take nice pictures of the food you sell for instagram

It doesn’t matter that it won’t look like that in person, how will people even know?

We might judge you, but God will judge you more.

4. Go for the aesthetics

Flowers, Mud cloth pattern on the walls, nice background, good ambience. Anything to make people forget the bad food.

Yes girl, give us nothing.

5. Hire a celebrity chef

This is not for everyone but you need to be able to give people a reason to come back if your aesthetics don’t work.

of course you can also hire anyone and just add chef to their name, that works too.

6. Make everything unreasonably expensive

There is no reason why just anyone should be able to afford your food, plus how else will you pay your celebrity chef?

Wickedness must be your middle name

7. Pasta

Sell all the different types, posterity has proven that lagosians love this or why else would it be thriving?

8. Do not research

There’s no need to find out what a pina colada is or a mojito. Just put a lot of ugu in a cup and call it a day.

God airpus

9. Small parking lots

You don’t want them wasting time in your restaurant, everybody should eat and go abeg.

10. Deliver late

Anything that is worth paying above 5k for, is worth delivering late or how does that saying go?

Even God won’t save you

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Malakai Bassey

March 18, 2021

Chopist

Food, Nigerian restaurants, Restaurants, Zikoko Guide
As a social media manager, you’re the reason why people know about a brand. You go out of your way to create schedules and engaging /creative content that keep people coming back to the page.

Some are funny and know how to read the room, but some cough A*sos cough don’t.

Anyways, here are some of the struggles of the not-so-glamorous life of a social media manager.

1. You feel like you’ve made it in life when people are retweeting, sharing or liking all your posts.

https://memes.zikoko.com/

2. You feel even better when they comment

You on your CV: Call me boss, oga boss

3. Your heart breaks a little when anyone unfollows the account

I thought only men break hearts

4. You begging people to follow the account

I will not let you go, unless you follow us

5. You’re constantly checking for the ideal time to post

I can see you online better interact, don’t let the devil use you

6. After begging family, friends and enemies to follow, you still have to explain that you can’t follow back because it’s a business account.

I take God name beg you.

7. You can’t count how many times you’ve lost sleep keeping up with trends.

Even God rests on Thursday abi Sunday

8. When they drag the brand it feels like a personal attack

https://memes.zikoko.com/

9. You die a little when people are interacting with a post but no one is following

Just kuku kill me

10. You’re constantly stressing about you mistakenly using the company’s account to share a post about your cheating ex.

11. The one day you sleep early, another tech startup becomes a unicorn

Shey you couldn’t wait?

12. You have to deal with people applying for your job via DM

13. Once in a while your post bangs and everyone on the team cheers you on.

https://memes.zikoko.com/

You to them: it wasn’t hard, it’s my job

You in your head: this better not be a fluke

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Malakai Bassey

March 17, 2021

Inside Life

Internship, Social media, Zikoko Guide
This Zikoko’s guide was written to help younger siblings make our lives easier because one day you’re an only child and before you know it, your parents create a couple of freeloaders called siblings that spoil all your plans.

1. Stop asking for money.

Let our spirit lead us to remember you, besides we did not give birth to you. Thanks and God bless. The association of ATM firstborns are tired.

First born in their minds

2. Don’t eat the last meat.

We came before you for a reason. We came not to oppress you but to eat the last meat. Let us have it or else…

You have been warned

3. Stop being an aproko.

We are tired of bribing you. Nigerian politicians no do reach this one oh, abeg.

You better grow up

4. Don’t grow taller than us.

We don’t know how you’ll do it but don’t try it. It’s disrespectful.

This will be you when we ask you kneel down all the time

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5. Don’t get married before us.

We will not hear the end of it, please. Love is everywhere and it will find you again.

Take things easy

6. Don’t be finer than us

This is how people attract curses to themselves. Better tell your face to respect itself.

Must we beg you?

7. Ask about our lives too.

Not just because you want to collect money but because you care and mean it and yes we can tell.

8. Don’t do better than us in school

All the good genes, beauty, parents undying affection and good luck have already gone to you. The least you can do is let us have this.

This Is your final warning

Malakai Bassey

March 10, 2021

Inside Life

Advice, Siblings, Zikoko Guide
Prior to what the internet and that certain website say, sex can be very awkward. If there is one thing that can ease the tension, it is music. As we are in the business of being generous, we have complied 7 foolproof methods to help you create the perfect sex playlist

1. Ask your father for song recommendations

Our parents spend all their time complaining about our music but in their days, all they sang about was good loving.

You better ask, a closed mouth is a closed destiny

2. Pick songs you don’t listen to often

So that you don’t sing mid-gives and when it comes up on a playlist while you’re at the office, you don’t blackout for one hour.

3. Check to see if you can slowly whine your waist to the beat.

They say practice makes perfect. Plus, how else would you know how good your whine-to-rhythm coordination is?

This is how it should be!

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4. Add a French song

You might not know the meaning but add a slow French song and thank me later. Cava bien merci, kpa-kpa-kpa.

5. Neo-soul and R&B is the way

Now is not the time to impress your partner with your good taste in indie/alternative music, please that’s not the thing to focus on. If you want to add a little spice, you can add a Naira Marley song or Tesojue by Reminisce.

if you know, you know

6. Put songs your partner likes

It’ll make them smile or giggle and they’ll know you were thinking about them.

IDK I don’t do ungodly acts sha.

7. Keep it short and simple

Please not more than ten songs, when it’s not a listening party.

Try dey calm down

In the end, the playlist doesn’t matter, It’s kuku just background noise to your partner’s music.

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Malakai Bassey

March 4, 2021

Inside Life

Sex, Sex playlists, Zikoko Guide
Do you know what one of the most awkward things in the world is? Your friend comes up to you, handing you their phone to listen to their music while smiling hard, their eyes filled with hope and love so you listen but realize, it just isn’t good. Then they ask you, what do you think? Now you are in an awkward situation wondering what to say or do. Don’t worry, Zikoko dey for you. Here’s a guide on how to tell your friend their music career is a mistake.

Cut Up Your Ears After Listening To Their Song.

Just listen to us. Is it dramatic? Very. But it passes the message across. Once they finish playing the song for you, calmly remove the earphones from your ears, pick up a knife, look at them deep in their eyes, and in two swift motions, cut out both of your ears. I assure you, they’ll never sing again. I just hope you don’t have any other friend who wants to go into music and need your opinions because then, there’ll be a problem.

Have a Conversation About It.

Let’s say for whatever reason, you do not want to be dramatic and cut off your ears, you could talk to them and have a nice conversation. Here are our top picks for things to say to them after realizing their music is irredeemably bad.
‘A 9 to 5 might be more your speed, don’t you think?’
‘I think Chicken Republic is hiring. Think about it.’
‘We all have different talents. Keep trying, you’ll find yours.’
‘Is this a demo? As in, is this the finished song? Wow.’

Leave Job Openings Around Them.

Let’s say you want to go for something even more subtle. You could smile after listening to their song and in the coming days, cut out job opening clippings from newspapers and sprinkle them around their house. Borrow their phones, open job searching websites and hand the phone back to them. Drop some search flyers on their gas cooker. Use a job flyer as a fan. After one week, they’ll get the message.

Lie Your Ass Off, Forever.

I want you to know that lying is very much still an option. You could tell them their music is the best thing since sliced bread and that Beyonce should watch out. The problem with this is that once you’ve uttered this lie, get ready to commit to it. You’ll have to be their biggest cheerleader when they throw concerts and you are the only person in attendance, get ready to more than overcompensate.

Desmond

March 1, 2021

Inside Life, Pop

Inside life, Pop, Zikoko Guide
You have probably been looking for ways to understand online vendors and ways to maybe get them to respond on time. We got you. We know how it can feel to have your eye on an item only for the vendor to be playing tinko-tinko with your heart and emotions. I know I mentioned yesterday that you should save your salary in this article, but in case you didn’t listen, here’s how to spend it.

1. Message them and get aired

The first step to ordering from a vendor is to message them, the probability of them replying though is 0-100. To DM is human, to air is divine. That’s the way it is.

E do usually pain sha

2. After being aired, camp in their comments section.

Give them no rest. If they can air your DMs, then they deserve no rest. Keep typing “check your dms” until they reply, unless it’s someone that isn’t ready to make money then sorry to you.

Pov: You begging in their dm’s

3. They replied? Oya pay and get aired.

This must surely happen to you at least 10 times. You’ll pay and they’d suddenly disappear on you, your chest will start to hurt and fear will grip the walls of your bank account but fear not they will reply soon. They are just spraying money on themselves because this country is hard. If you were in their shoes wouldn’t you do the same?

The vendor and their friends the moment your money drops

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4. Pace around your room and argue with the delivery man.

You know how in every action movie there is the final boss? Yeah, this is him. This conversation will either drain you completely or make you happy depending on if he tells you that he’s in Orimolade in Ikotun when you’re in Orimolade in Fagba.

All you can do at this point is pray

5 Get your package and take the rest of the day off.

We are proud of you for facing that hurdle, it couldn’t have been easy. Now take the day off and rest your head so you can live to do this another day.

You will lie to yourself that you’re not doing again, whatever makes you feel better innit

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Malakai Bassey

February 25, 2021

Inside Life

#Onlinevendors, Vendors, Zikoko Guide
It’s really impossible not to tell when a Nigerian woman is sending you signals.

Seriously. If a Nigerian woman likes you ehn, she can be as obvious and shameless as Oga Dino Melaye showing off his musical skills.

“A je kun iya ni…” Okay, you get the point sha.
Oya sit down and take notes.

When a Nigerian woman is sending you signals, you should see all or some of these things:
1. When you’re talking about sports and she’s looking at you like this:

If she’s NOT normally into sports, odds are she’s not really interested in what you’re saying but just the fact that you’re talking.
2. If she calls you “big head”, “mumu boy” a couple times a day, it’s really reverse psychology.

It’s not an insult, it’s more of an endearment. Just insert “my” before the “big head” and “mumu boy”.
3. She’ll do funny things at you with her eyes.

She’ll try not to be too obvious with the winking thing. She’ll fail woefully at it.
4. She’ll laugh at everything you say.

Like, not AT you sha. More of with you. Or because of you. But she’ll really find everything you say HI.LA.RI.O.US!
5. She’ll sha be touching you.

But not like in a creepy way. More like in a “ooo, let me see your watch. The strap is sooo smoooth” kind of way.
6. She’ll lean on your shoulders, play with your face, poke your stomach…

…you sha get. Think: Winnie the Pooh and his good friend Christopher Robin, where she is Christopher Robin. She’ll want to play with you like a teddy bear. Odds are she might have even named her teddy bear after you.
7. She’ll ask you, a hundred times a day, if you’ve eaten.

It is not only a Nigerian mother thing. Your physical welfare is her utmost concern.
8. She’ll give you a full frontal hug.

A complete full frontal hug with two arms around you, not just one.
9. However, if you find that you are not sure how to tell the signals she is giving you, then odds are she ISN’T. Abort Mission! Repeat: ABORT MISSION!

For more Zikoko Guides, see this one about making a Nigerian horror movie:
https://zikoko.com/list/zikoko-guide-making-nigerian-horror-movie/

Ronke Otega

May 15, 2017

Oldies

Nigerian women, Signals, Women, Zikoko Guide
1. Keep a change of clothes in the car, for “just in case” owambe parties.

2. You can never have enough small chops. Eat until you burst.

3. There is no such thing as an uninvited guest, just a pleasant surprise.

4. At family parties stay away from those aunties that are just looking for nieces and nephews to frustrate. Don’t be a victim.

5. When someone that’s had too much to drink wants to get behind the wheel, you’re like:

6. When you’re tired, remember that party season is the best season!

7. Check Zikoko every single day so you have a permanent smile on your face.

Jola Ayeye

December 25, 2016

Oldies

christmas, Funny, tips, Zikoko Guide

Get a mantra

Believe in your sauce

Do what makes you happy

Get your money up

Take care of yourself

But make room for other hot babes

Come for HERtitude

Stock up on fans

Have a unique name

Mention it every minute

Have street credibility

Form your band

Learn praise-singing

Do you know any proverbs?

Have a photographic memory

Add your abroad experiences to the music

READ: The Zikoko Guide: Nigerian Music Industry 101

Cry directly into a bucket

Wipe your tears with money, not your hands

Fan your face

Remind yourself of all the hard work that went into perfecting your look

Send the tears back

Blink

Open your eyes…wide

Use a Zaron eyeliner

You have to practise passive assertiveness

RELATED: How to Successfully Teleport the Food From Your Dream to Real Life

If that doesn’t work, just close your eyes

Walk away as fast as you can

Tap into your inner toddler and start reporting everybody

Tape your mouth shut and glue your hands to your sides.

Buy a big placard with the word “NO” written boldly

Chant “no” to yourself in the mirror every morning

READ ALSO: How To Make Friends: A Zikoko Guide

You looking at all the debits coming in without conscience

Now you’ve kept money aside for rent, data and transport but no money for food

The first thing you need to do is learn how to manifest

Kidnap the witch giving you the dream food

The witch might try putting up a fight, so be ready to negotiate

The only problem is that the food is cursed, and people may start disappearing

Now, you have enough money to buy plenty anointing oil to bless the food

Rinse and repeat for the rest of your life

READ ALSO: 6 Ways To Become A Millionaire Overnight

1. Your female lead must be an IJGB with a quirky job

2. You’re nothing without your accents

3. Everybody has to be rich AF

4. If your male lead doesn’t have a six-pack, cancel the film

5. Make sure it’s an ensemble

6. Your love interests have to hate each other at first

7. A female best friend co-worker or mother dedicated to finding the female lead some good penising

8. The one dimensional male best friend

9. Something must try to put sand in their love garri

10. You have to give us fashunzzz and aesthetics

1) Be Invisible

2) Dress like a masquerade

3) Be a Nigerian politician

4) Be the first to shout “ole”

5) Rub oil all over your body

6) Spiritual robbery

7) Steal stolen money

1. The packaging must be green

2. It must be affordable

3. It must cure Staphylococcus aureus

4. It must have an Interesting name

5. Your product must use buzz words

6. It must be useful for people’s sex lives

7. Have a funny jingle

8. Make sure it contains ginseng and moringa

9. Be incredibly graphic when describing the diseases that your medicine treats.

10. Now you’re ready to sell your own herbal medicine

1. Do not fight your neighbour

2. Have breakfast

3. Enter a bike

4. Do something that sparks joy

5. Make a fire playlist

6. Don’t open your email until Tuesday

7. Don’t look at your account balance

8. Don’t go out

1. Establish that you are poor

2. No gift is too small