wtf | Zikoko!

Nollywood is the gift that just keeps giving. I obsess over Old Nollywood in particular because I think almost every scene and phrase used in it is simply very iconic. Today, we present four things from Old Nollywood that will make you go WTF.

Nollywood Parents Immediately Assuming Their Daughter Is Pregnant Because She Threw Up

Nollywood daugher runs out of the house (I have no absolute idea why they always run, why are they never just in a place where they can casually access the bathroom or something?) and throws up, her mother appearsfrom no where and asks ‘Nkechi, what happened? Nkechi, you are preganant. Nkechi, you have disgraced me.’ Each statement that begins with ‘Nkechi’ naturally is higher than the last just because. What amuses me and also makes me go WTF is that there are many reasons a person would be throwing up in the morning that doesn’t have anything to do with preganancy so why is that the universal sign of teenage and unwanted pregnancy in Nollywood.

Every Chiwetalu Agu Proverb

I genuinely believe that I first said ‘WTAF’ in reply to Chiwetalu Agu’s proverbs. The weirdest, most WTF and amazing part is that he had a custom made proverb for every movie. I would have said ‘for every character he played’ but Chiwetalu Agu has played himself in every movie he has ever been in.

Use What You Have To Get What You Want

My favorite genre of Nollywood movies are the ones that largely feature campus big girls because you know that at some point, someone will say to a newbie campus babe ‘you have to use what you have to get what you want’ and I genuinely believe this is simultaneously one of the most repeated and most hilarious Nollywood phrases.

‘Check and Balance This Na’

In the movie ‘White Hunters’, Mercy Johnson’s character says this to someone asking to check out her beauty and this is arguably one of the most WTF yet perfect phrases I have ever heard. Yes, it is now a part of my personal vocabulary.

Desmond

April 22, 2021

Pop

Nollywood, Old Nollywood, Pop, wtf
1. This book that teaches you how to make a little extra money on the side.

You can never have too much money.
2. This book that is present in the official “How to be a Nigerian parent” starter pack.

You know this is true.
3. This book your child will relate to if he/she will eventually grow up to be a delinquent.

Wait. So does the book just list out a bunch of illegal stuff you probably want to do? Why give people new ideas?! LOL
4. This book that teaches you the sickest dance moves.

Check it! He’s dancing on water! LOL
5. This book for anybody that plans on doing money ritual any time soon.

I feel like Kanayo O. Kanayo somehow had a hand in this book’s creation.
6. This book about this kick ass conspiracy theory.

Take all my money and give me this book!
7. This book that changed the fairy tale game.

Your fairy tale fave can’t even compare.
8. This book that could be adapted as a season of Super Story.

The story will be set in Unilag. It will be a hit. Don’t @ me.
9. This book that sounds like the most terrifying cook book ever made.

I am shook.
10. This book that will kill a LOT of people with hypertension.

This is the perfect gift for that elderly relative you hate.
11. This book for when you want to SLAY everybody with your cooking.

Literally.
12. This book on how to make dates less awkward.

Go together!
13. This book that has me worried about mankind

I’m really really worried about humanity.
14. This book that’ll help you make sure you don’t end up going from church to church looking for deliverance.

God helps those who help themselves.
15. This book with the WILDLY misleading title.

The clickbait to end all clickbaits.
16. This book that every student struggling with their studies should know about

I wish I had known about this back in school when I was failing Maths left and right.
17. This book that was originally for children but unintentionally asked a very adult question.

“I will do no such thing!”
18. This book that assures everyone that the afterlife will be lit.

FAM! It’s going to be so lit!
19. This book that teaches a very important craft.

An important and creepy craft.
20. Last but not the least, this book that plastic surgeons all over the word don’t want you to read.

Maybe this is what the Kardashians use.
More Zikoko!

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Astor George

June 1, 2017

Oldies

book, Funny, Nigerian, Scream, Title, wtf
Nigeria has a culture of overreliance on imported products. Even though the nation is the most populated country in Africa, with manpower supply in abundance and arable land spread all over, the country manages to spend a whopping N3.1 trillion on importations of 4 major consumables annually. Pretty insane, right?
The Minister of Agriculture, Audu Ogbeh, has thrown us another bomb; apparently Nigeria spends almost $20 million on toothpick imports annually.

Let that sink in; $18 million on toothpicks.

And that’s not all. According to him, the country also imports 5 million eggs per year from South Africa, and spends $600 million on fish importations annually.

So you people don’t just want designer bags and shoes, you want Italian made eggs and fish too?

The truth is, if we don’t learn to invest in local producers as a country, we may never stop these ridiculous importations. Nigerian-based producers also need to up their game and actually set standards.

It makes absolutely no sense that Nigeria imports fish, eggs, palm oil, or leather when we have natural resources and manpower to produce and even export on a large scale. This was one of the reasons the current administration banned Forex access for importers of some products.

Instead of stating problems and whining about the past administration’s failures, the government needs to invest in and support production of locally made products, because all this money we’re spending is too much jare.

Shola

September 28, 2016

Gist

agriculture, audu ogbeh, bad news, ban, news, Nigeria, wtf

1. This book that teaches you how to make a little extra money on the side.

2. This book that is present in the official “How to be a Nigerian parent” starter pack.

3. This book your child will relate to if he/she will eventually grow up to be a delinquent.

4. This book that teaches you the sickest dance moves.

5. This book for anybody that plans on doing money ritual any time soon.

6. This book about this kick ass conspiracy theory.

7. This book that changed the fairy tale game.

8. This book that could be adapted as a season of Super Story.

9. This book that sounds like the most terrifying cook book ever made.

10. This book that will kill a LOT of people with hypertension.

11. This book for when you want to SLAY everybody with your cooking.

12. This book on how to make dates less awkward.

13. This book that has me worried about mankind

14. This book that’ll help you make sure you don’t end up going from church to church looking for deliverance.

15. This book with the WILDLY misleading title.

16. This book that every student struggling with their studies should know about

17. This book that was originally for children but unintentionally asked a very adult question.

18. This book that assures everyone that the afterlife will be lit.

19. This book that teaches a very important craft.

20. Last but not the least, this book that plastic surgeons all over the word don’t want you to read.

More Zikoko!

The Minister of Agriculture, Audu Ogbeh, has thrown us another bomb; apparently Nigeria spends almost $20 million on toothpick imports annually.

Let that sink in; $18 million on toothpicks.

And that’s not all. According to him, the country also imports 5 million eggs per year from South Africa, and spends $600 million on fish importations annually.

So you people don’t just want designer bags and shoes, you want Italian made eggs and fish too?

The truth is, if we don’t learn to invest in local producers as a country, we may never stop these ridiculous importations. Nigerian-based producers also need to up their game and actually set standards.

It makes absolutely no sense that Nigeria imports fish, eggs, palm oil, or leather when we have natural resources and manpower to produce and even export on a large scale. This was one of the reasons the current administration banned Forex access for importers of some products.

Instead of stating problems and whining about the past administration’s failures, the government needs to invest in and support production of locally made products, because all this money we’re spending is too much jare.