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work | Zikoko!
  • QUIZ: This Quiz Knows Who You’ll Fight at Work This Week

    We suggest you find a new job before you start the fights.

  • I Knew Cleaning Wasn’t My Last Stop in Life

    Femi Dapson recently went viral on X for this post

    He shared a throwback video from when he was a cleaner in 2017, which he’d made as evidence of his strong belief that he’d make it one day. It has since amassed over two million views.

    It’s 2023, and he did make it. He shares his inspiring journey with Zikoko.

    As told to Boluwatife

    Credit: Nouvelle Films

    I grew up poor.

    We were so poor my family rented uncompleted buildings because we couldn’t afford anything else. It was that bad. 

    I was born in Agege, but we moved to Idowu Egba, a neighbourhood in Igando, when I was about four years old. The uncompleted building we lived in had no windows or roof, so we used empty rice sacks to cover the ceiling and window openings. The floor was uncemented, so we put mats over the red sand.

    Despite the sorry situation we were in, I always knew it wasn’t the life I was made for. My dad was a driver, and my mum sold food. I saw them constantly struggling and would always tell myself that I’d never end up like them. 

    And I backed this mindset with actions.

    I made a deliberate effort not to make friends on my street. We were all poor there, so what was I supposed to gain from an equally poor person?

    I have a way with people, and I’d always target rich kids. I wanted to be like them. So, I’d wake up every morning, iron and wear the only shirt I had, and walk the 15-minute distance to Diamond Estate to meet with the friends I’d made from church or while helping my mum sell food in schools. 

    My rich friends liked my vibes. I showed and told them things and slang they’d never heard before. In return, I learned how they lived, ate their food and always stood out when I returned home. The only person I got close to in my neighbourhood was the son of a prominent general, and it was because I did everything in my power to make sure we became friends.

    Growing up poor meant I also had to start hustling early. I did many menial jobs while moving from one secondary school to the other due to challenges with paying the fees. You want to clear the grass in your compound? I’m there. You need someone to paint your house? I’ll most likely do rubbish, but just pay me ₦2k. 

    I started my hustle proper after I dropped out of school in SS one when my parents could no longer pay my fees. There’s almost nothing I didn’t do to survive —from barman, to primary school teacher, to factory worker. One thing I made sure to do each time was to put in 110% in every job. 

    In 2014, we moved to yet another uncompleted building in Sango, and I got a job cleaning at a popular church’s headquarters in Ota. I got paid between ₦11k – 15k monthly to sweep portions of the church premises, chapels, and sometimes, wash cars. I did that for about two years.

    One principle guides my life: “If you can read and write, you can teach yourself anything.” In 2016, while still cleaning, I started volunteering to help input evangelism converts’ data into a computer. I’d taught myself computer basics with a cousin’s computer when I was in JSS one, so while other volunteers would use all day to input the data of 100 people, I’d do it in 30 minutes. 

    The General Overseer’s secretary noticed and took a liking to me, and I unofficially became the assistant secretary to the G.O. Because I didn’t pass through the normal employment process, I didn’t get a raise. But it didn’t stop me from putting in my all. I helped the department make financial approval processes almost paperless before I left after six months. My reason? I was scared they’d just wake up one day and tell everyone without the right qualifications to go.

    In 2017, I moved in with a cousin in Ikeja and got a cleaning job at an event centre. It paid between ₦18k – ₦21k/monthly, but damn, the workload wasn’t beans. After parties ended around 10 p.m., the whole place would be a mess, and I’d clean and clean. 

    But I understood the power of positive confessions. I’d always tell my guys and say to myself that I’d be great; I was born to be great. I’d watch celebrities come to parties where I worked and even pour soap to wash their hands after they used the restroom so they’d give me ₦200 tips. That was the life I wanted. To spray money freely at parties and be greeted, “Good evening, sir”, when I entered toilets, too.

    I made this video in 2017 at a low point. I was down with Typhoid and had been in and out of the hospital for two weeks, but I left and returned to work while still sick because I was scared I’d be sacked for staying away that long.

    On that day, I was weak and frustrated. I had just finished cleaning the hall and was washing the toilets. At a point, I stopped and started self-affirming that this was just a temporary phase and I’d look back at the memory one day. I decided to document that moment, so I took my phone and recorded myself. If not for the fact that my physical look has improved since then, people would say I took the video yesterday, and I’m just lying. The confidence with which I spoke was crazy.

    A large part of my confidence stemmed from the fact that I know God loves me — that’s even what my name, Oluwafemi Ifeoluwa, means. I also had a habit of sacrificially giving out the little money I had at the time — I still give a lot. I believe that the more you give, the more you receive, and I know God is too faithful to fail.

    Knowing God saw my heart, I’d drop my bracelet or anything on me in faith when I didn’t have money. I even gave my toothbrush as an offering once. It wasn’t useful to anyone, but God knew that was all I had.

    So, I made that video with complete confidence and kept it as evidence so that when I made my money, no one would come and say I did fraud.

    And God did come through for me. 

    I gathered the little money I had and sat for O’Levels in 2018. Then a year later, I got an opportunity to work as a junior auditor in an auditing firm for ₦30k/month. How I got the job was even funny. When I arrived at the interview, I met guys with degrees speaking big English, but when it got to my turn and I showed the partners how I helped make that church in Ota go paperless, their minds were blown. 

    I had to leave the job a couple of months later because I had stayed with my cousin for too long, and it was starting to become uncomfortable for him. My next stop was Egbeda, where I moved in with a photographer friend, Perliks. We started working together, and I helped him rebrand and manage his business. He was such an amazing photographer, and I made sure he saw it, too. Many of the projects we worked on together went viral.

    It wasn’t just Perliks and I in Egbeda; some other friends lived with us. One of them was an artist, and that same year, he got funding for a music video. Perliks had some directing knowledge because he had been on a similar set before, so he said he could shoot it, and I’d produce. I didn’t know anything about production, but I read up about it and said I could do it.

    The first day of that production was a disaster because rain destroyed the set, but we pushed through and made the video. It cost ₦800k to shoot, and we even ran at a loss because of the rain. Another artist manager saw it, loved it, and hired us to shoot a video for one of the artists she managed. We went on to shoot three videos for three of her artists. We didn’t make any money from it — we were just trying to give our all.

    Around the same time, I pitched a social media influencer and told her I’d like to manage her, and she agreed. While doing that, I met someone who organised monthly parties for a Whiskey brand. He asked me to come on as his partner to blow the brand in Lagos. We threw the littest parties, and it brought cool money. Money cool enough to buy my first car; a Toyota Avalon which cost ₦1.6m. 

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    In 2020, a media production company signed Perliks and me as director and producer, respectively. It’s still crazy how these professionals were absolutely loving what I did with music videos, and I was just a random boy from Egbeda.

    When my contract expired the following year, I left and created my own company — Nouvelle Films — and I’ve had the privilege of working on amazing jobs. That’s what I do till date: production and the parties. 

    I believe everything I’ve gone through in life was specially designed to allow me to get to where I am right now. I never look down on people because someone selling Gala on the streets could be at a level you’d never imagined tomorrow. 

    Now, some people message me to say we grew up together; they may never have imagined I’d be where I am today. I mean, if someone had told me four years ago that I’d be driving a Mercedes Benz today, I may not have believed it. 

    Some advice I’d give anyone is to hold on to positive thoughts, hold God and believe in yourself. If you don’t first see IT, no one will see IT with you.


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    NEXT READ: I’ve Made Three Career Changes, but I’m Still Unsure About My Future

  • I’ve Made Three Career Changes, but I’m Still Unsure About My Future

    In my quest to find answers to the question, “How do you know what to do with your life?” I found Kemi* (27), but like most people I talked to, she’s still searching for an answer to that question. The only difference is, she’s switched careers thrice already, to find it.

    She’s gone from wanting to become a doctor to discovering a passion for teaching, then health and safety, before choosing a career in social media management. According to her, she’s just winging it at this point.

    This is Kemi’s story, as told to Boluwatife

    Image designed by Freepik

    At ten years old, I decided I’d be a neurosurgeon.

    To be fair, almost everyone who read Ben Carson’s “Gifted Hands” as a child — AND has Nigerian parents — is bound to have a medicine-fuelled future ambition. 

    It also helped that I was book-smart in primary and junior secondary school. It wasn’t like I knew how to study. I’m not even sure how I always topped my class. Of course, my grades meant that “science class” was my only option when I moved to senior secondary school at 12 years old.

    But that’s when my book-smartness façade started to fall off. 

    Physics and chemistry looked and sounded like gibberish. I never understood how to balance a chemical equation or even distinguish an unbalanced one. The formulas were too complicated for my brain, and if not for Mr Rotimi’s* solid teaching and patient explanations, I’d have been lost.

    When it became time to write JAMB in 2010, my neurosurgery dreams were already extremely shaky. I’d barely passed the core subjects at O’ levels, and I knew it wasn’t good enough for medicine, so I decided I could also change lives in physiotherapy. I applied for it, passed and got admission the following year.

    By the second semester of my first year, I knew I’d made a mistake. I couldn’t understand most of my courses, and even before the results came in, I suspected I’d have carry overs. I had six. 

    A lecturer advised me to consider changing departments because I’d likely be asked to withdraw by the end of second year. I took his advice and transferred to biology education. I knew I couldn’t survive a course like biochemistry or microbiology, so I rationalised that education would help me be a Mr Rotimi to students like me who struggled to study. We can’t all be doctors and physiotherapists just because we’re in the sciences. 

    Career change one.

    I did infinitely better in education, and by the time I graduated in 2016, I was sure teaching was my passion. But Nigeria soon taught me passion doesn’t count for much in these streets. 

    I taught in the North during my NYSC year, and it was a terrible experience. If students didn’t come to school bare-footed, they stopped coming at all because they were married off or needed to work for money. I once made the mistake of laughing when a nine-year-old student told me that a religious leader told them, “School is a sin.” He looked at me coldly, and in broken English, warned me never to try it again.

    I moved back to the South-West after my service year in 2017 and got a job in a private school, but while I no longer had disappearing students or thinly veiled threats to my life, it was a wake-up call to just how bad the education system is nationally. Students and teachers were nonchalant. The school only cared about collecting money from parents and making sure students got good grades on paper, even if it involved “dashing” them marks. At ₦‎18k/month, my salary wasn’t exactly the best motivator either.


    RELATED: What She Said: I’ve Given Up on Teaching in Nigeria


    By 2018, I’d seen enough and could no longer imagine teaching for the rest of my life. I started hunting for random jobs. I even applied for a restaurant supervisor position, and when the interviewer asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I went blank. Does anyone really know the answer to that question?

    I soon found a job opening for a health, safety and environment (HSE) officer. While I didn’t have the certifications they required and couldn’t apply for it, the job description seemed straightforward enough. Plus, the proposed pay was ₦‎90k/month. I was immediately interested.

    I started researching the field, and I liked what I saw. I could work almost anywhere, even outside the country, and I thought I only had to take some short courses to become a professional. I even started to dream about working in FMCG multinationals. HSE looked like my final bus stop. 

    Career change two.

    I resigned from my teaching job and started my certification journey with a couple of free courses on a popular online safety and health training platform. I then moved on to an HSE level 1 certification, which cost about ₦‎35k. Fortunately, I got a six-month HSE intern position at ₦‎30k/month shortly after. In my head, all I needed to do was impress my employers so they’d consider retaining me after the internship.

    I finished my internship in mid-2019, and when I asked about the possibility of retainment, they said it wasn’t possible. It turned out I still had a ton of certifications and professional memberships needed to be a confirmed safety professional in Nigeria — certifications I couldn’t afford. Some industries even require a master’s degree.

    I decided to push my luck and apply for other HSE jobs, but by 2020, I knew my safety professional dream wasn’t realistic anymore; I had no money or reasonable experience. All this, combined with the uncertainties of the pandemic, pushed me into a depressive state. I was unemployed with no sense of direction or plan for my career. There was no pressure from my family, but I felt like I wasn’t living up to their expectations.

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    I tried to pull myself out of that mental state by watching career-related motivational and self-help videos on YouTube, but it somehow made it worse. They kept saying, “Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life,” but I didn’t know what I loved doing anymore. They also talked about the importance of deliberate “career planning”. While it all sounded good, I was just as confused as ever.

    Then in 2021, a friend told me to try social media management. She offered to take me through the basics as she was a social media manager herself. She also told me stories about people earning in dollars just by managing social media accounts. She was earning about ₦‎100k/month from managing three accounts, but at least, she didn’t have to leave her house. It seemed simple enough, and with the whole world going remote, it was a sensible career path. So, I decided I’d be a social media manager.

    Career change three.

    I opened new Instagram and Twitter accounts and started applying everything my friend taught me. I even started to enjoy it and grew my accounts quickly by taking part in trends and using reels. I also started cold-emailing potential clients. I got about two or three short-term clients, but my big break came in 2022 when I got a job as a community manager. I’m still at it, and my salary has remained ₦‎150k/month.

    My job is great, but I know I can’t do it long-term. Who would want to hire a 30 or 40-year-old social media manager? Even now, some companies would rather hire a content marketer who’d handle social media with their other tasks rather than hire both a content marketer and a social media manager. What happens to me then?

    It’s funny how I’ve made so many career changes, but I still don’t know what to do with my life. I attend many career webinars, but these “career coaches” really need to know that not everyone can afford to “follow their passion”. When I speak to senior colleagues and friends about my confusion, they mostly advise me to pick my most lucrative skill and make a career out of it. But the problem is, I’m not sure I have specific skills. I just know how to perform well on whatever task is in front of me at any given time.

    If you ask where I see myself in the next couple of years, I’d probably say “Content marketing” because it’s the next reasonable step from social media management. But if I get a job as an operations executive tomorrow, my future ambition would likely change to “Operations management”.

    I’m honestly just winging it in life, so don’t ask me what will happen tomorrow.


    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    NEXT READ: I’ve Chased Money All My Life. There Has to Be More

  • I’ve Chased Money All My Life. There Has to Be More

    While talking to friends at an event about how the increasingly high costs of living in Nigeria mean you’re either rich or poor — no middle-class or in-betweens — Kunle* (28) shared his probably all-too-familiar situation: Pushing through life and a crazy economy as a man who’s tired of the money chase, but feels his value is directly proportional to how much he provides.

    This is Kunle’s story, as told to Boluwatife

    Image designed by Freepik

    As a Nigerian man, I grew up believing my worth was tied to how much I made.

    I saw it in how my mother’s smile widened when my dad gave her money before leaving for work. How my parents quickly brushed off my ten-year-old self’s declaration that I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up. Their reason was based on: “How much do you think vets make? Don’t you know you’re a man, and you’ll need to make money?”

    It’s why, even though I got an allowance from my parents while in university, I was always doing one form of hustle or the other so I could make my own money. I didn’t need it; it just felt good to have money in my account.

    I started writing notes and assignments for my coursemates in third year. With my charges averaging around ₦500 to ₦1k per course and my uni’s abundance of unserious students, I made a cool average of ₦30k in a good month. A very decent amount in 2014.

    In final year, I graduated to helping my mates write their projects and charged each client ₦15k. By the time I was done with school in 2016, I could afford to be independent. I rented an apartment with a friend during my service year, got a couple of gadgets and even became a recipient of “billing” from my younger sister and parents. I was doing my part as a man, and life was good. Or so I thought.

    No one prepared me for the fact that I’d just entered a life-long rat race.

    In 2017, I got my first official job after job hunting for three months. The pay was ₦95k/month, and I thought it was a good deal. 

    It would have been, but transportation costs and saving for house rent became the weapons fashioned against me every month.

    Let’s not forget black tax, feeding and data. On paper, I was earning reasonably well for an entry-level 9-5er, but I was living from paycheck to paycheck. I was always broke by salary day.

    In 2018, I added love to the mix, and my problems tripled. Suddenly, I had the responsibility of being an “intentional man” by randomly sending my girlfriend money and taking her on dates. No one needed to tell me that I had to start making more money.

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    My search yielded success in late 2019 when I found another job, increasing my salary to ₦120k/month. For the first few months, it seemed like I was finally making enough to comfortably splurge on one or two things without worrying too much about it. But then the pandemic came in 2020 and took my job with it. 

    The six months I spent unemployed were one of the most uncertain periods of my life. Strangely enough, I also felt pockets of peace. There was this kind of relief that came with knowing I didn’t have to spend long days pretending to like work and my coworkers just because I needed money in my account. 

    I was broke, but it was the closest I’d been to peace in a long while. Maybe it was because I had my roommate to rely on or the fact that everyone became homebodies due to COVID, but I didn’t always feel the crushing need to have money to prove myself.

    In late 2020, I got another job, and I’ve been at it since then. My monthly income has grown from ₦200k to ₦350k, but I still live from paycheck to paycheck. And no, I’m not living above my means. I’m a 28-year-old unmarried man living alone in a ₦450k/year Lagos apartment. I have only one girlfriend, and my black tax is not crazy. Yet I still feel poor.

    The Nigerian economy has gotten so bad that I can’t even appreciate that I’m a slightly above-average earner. By the time monthly expenses attack my salary, it becomes a struggle to save ₦50k. I’m constantly on the lookout for better job and income opportunities, but when does it end?

    There has to be more to life than pursuing money. I’ve chased money all my life, but I’m not happy, fulfilled or at peace. It’s as if money laughs at my efforts and has a thing against staying in my account.

    Honestly, I’m tired. Sometimes I envy people in a coma — no struggle to make money. They can just be. I want to just be, too. But I can’t even tell my friends or partner because I’m a man. My worth is tied to how much I make and can provide.


    *Name has been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    ALSO READ: I Hate Spending My Own Money

  • Sometimes, Employee Loyalty Is Just a Fear of the Unknown

    Image by Freepik

    “What if I jump from frying pan to fire?” 

    This question summarised Esther’s response to my suggestion about changing jobs after she’d ranted for 30 minutes about her job at a FinTech company in Lagos.

    Employee loyalty is often seen as a virtue; they show a high level of dedication to their job, which is expected to result in a willingness to go above and beyond in their work and, perhaps most importantly, long-term engagement.

    When you hear that someone has spent five years in a role, you — and especially the employer — might think, “Wow, this person is so loyal to XXX company’s goals and vision”. If the responses from these 9-5ers on the concept of employee loyalty are anything to go by, that conclusion isn’t often the case.

    Sometimes, they’re just scared to move on

    Esther’s main reason for staying is the fear of getting into a more toxic workplace. “I hate my job on most days. Not social media management itself, but doing it AT my current workplace. My superiors give unrealistic goals and constantly ignore my suggestions to build a long-term social media strategy rather than jumping on every social media trend. But I’m sceptical about leaving. The pay isn’t bad, and my colleagues are great. What if I move somewhere else that seems shiny on the outside and is toxic on the inside?” she said.

    For Joba*, a brand designer in Lagos, the fear of lay-offs is why he’s hesitant to leave where he’s worked for three years. “The state of the Nigerian economy now means almost everyone is laying off staff or shutting down operations. There’s more probability that a company will let go of a new staff who’s yet to prove themself than a valuable team player. What if I take on a new tech job and then get laid off six months later? It’s too big of a risk.”

    Kunle*, an operations executive, shares similar sentiments. “Money isn’t always everything. I know someone who went off to work at Twitter but got laid off soon after. Of course, I’d like to earn more. But if I leave, it has to be because I’ve come to terms with the risk of eventually losing the job due to the current volatile tech ecosystem. I’m not ready for that yet.”

    Others feel more loyal to their managers and colleagues than the organisation

    According to Josephine*, a content writer in Abuja, she’d take one good manager over a big-name job anywhere. “My current manager is the best I’ve ever worked with, and she’s the reason I’m still at my current workplace. I got an offer somewhere else three months ago, but some Glassdoor reviews about the leadership made me turn it down. My workplace has tons of issues too, but my manager is the best. If she leaves today, I’m out the door too.”

    Tola*, an executive assistant, is also enduring his job because of his teammates. “I work directly with the CEO, and she’s a grade-A pain. When she gets angry, she lashes out verbally, and working with her is exhausting. But my teammates are some of the smartest people I’ve worked with. They make coming to work every day worth it.”

    In other cases, it’s just money

    Oftentimes, employee loyalty is simply transactional. It figures, because the employer-employee relationship itself is primarily value-based. If the employer doesn’t see how the employee brings in value and improves the business, they wouldn’t be employees in the first place.

    Laide*, a product manager, puts it simply. “I’ll be loyal to you as long as you pay me what I feel I’m worth. If I feel I’m worth more and make you see it, but you don’t budge, I’ll move to the next person. The whole ‘we are a family’ thing is just vibes. Would you sack your brother if they didn’t meet your expectations? As long as the employee meets expectations, the employer is loyal to them. So, it should also be vice versa.”


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    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.


    NEXT READ: How Are Small Business Owners Dealing With Inflation in Nigeria?

  • School Might Be a Scam, but Not if You’re Nigerian

    If you’ve experienced Nigerian lecturers and universities teach stuff you’ll never use in real life, you might agree with the widely popular “school na scam” slang. 

    However, as a Nigerian, you simply can’t do without school. Here’s why.

    You’ll be poor

    This is Nigeria, where degree holders still earn ₦80k. What kind of chance do you think a secondary school certificate holder has?

    Not everyone will blow as an entrepreneur or musician

    If you don’t succeed at being the next WizKid or Dangote, at least you can still dust your certificate and enter the labour market. If not, refer back to my first point. Like the Yorubas say, “There’s more than one road to the bank market”.

    Two words: Nigerian parents

    Think about it. Which mouth do you want to use to tell your parents you want to drop out? Even if you think school is a scam, they don’t. And they’re always right. Better carry your book.

    You can delay adulting for a bit

    If you deep it, ASUU strikes are merely protecting you from the inevitable. At least, you can say you’re a student and attract helpers much longer. Once you drop “student” from your name, it’s over.

    And even make money

    Lie that you haven’t used school as a front to get more money from your parents before. It’s giving, “We need to pay Photosynthesis fee”.

    You might actually learn something

    Your luck can shine and you might actually use your education and degree to blow in the future. How will you know if you don’t try?

    It could help you achieve the Nigerian dream

    And by “Nigerian dream”, I mean japa. Now that countries everywhere are banning Nigerians from getting vacation visas, efiko scholarship visas may be your only hope. 


    NEXT READ: How Nigerians Deal With Realising They’re Underpaid

  • A Case for Doing the Barest Minimum at Work

    Capitalism will try to make you believe success only comes to those who work hard. We beg to differ. Sometimes, doing the barest minimum brings the best results, especially at work. Here’s why.

    More work? Not your problem

    You know how they say the reward for hard work is more work? That won’t be your problem. Your employer and colleagues will be satisfied with the fact that you actually completed your work without procrastinating

    Your boss won’t remember you for volunteer work

    As long you dead every idea of volunteering for extra work and focus only on the work you’re paid for, no one will remember to call you when they need someone to work after hours or take meeting notes.

    …but they’ll notice when you go above and beyond

    Since everyone knows you only do what you’re paid to do, the day you decide to go above and beyond on a task, it won’t go unnoticed. Meaning you’re more likely to win “Staff of the Week” than Yetunde, who quietly does two people’s jobs every day.

    You’ll have great work-life balance

    Since you aren’t spending all your waking hours thinking about work, you’ll have time to do meaningful things, like find a boo and leave the streets.

    Also, more time for side gigs

    It’s not like your salary lasts more than one week anyway. Now, you’ll have time to pursue other things that’ll bring money into your account.

    Your employer doesn’t give a shit about you

    Whether you do the bare minimum or not, you can still get laid off if the company hits a rough patch. Plus, they only care about hitting their targets, not you as a person. Say no to capitalism.

    Nigeria doesn’t respect hard work

    If it did, politicians would be riding keke to work. But it is what it is.

    You’ll have more time for eye service

    Because we all know that is what typical Nigerian bosses really want.

    You’ll be the mysterious colleague

    Your own is to do your work and go. Office gossip? You’ll never be there.


    NEXT READ: Corporate Idan 101: How to Make Sure Your Colleagues Know Not to Try You

  • All the Ways to Know a Nigerian Recruiter Is About to Ghost You

    Forget whatever you experienced at the hands of your unfortunate ex; Nigerian recruiters are the OGs of ghosting. You’d think you wowed them at all five stages of the interview, only to wait for an employment letter that never comes.

    It do usually pain

    But there are ways to know when a recruiter is about to leave you on read, and that’s what I’m about to teach you.

    The job requires more than three interview stages

    Don’t think the fact that they’re calling you back for one million assessments makes you special. Any recruiter who does this is looking for a perfect candidate, and everyone knows that’s impossible. If you doubt me, just make one tiny mistake at stage seven and see if they’ll call you back.

    The recruiter wears a suit

    They’re too serious. If you make the mistake of showing up without a tie or laughing too much during the interview, it’s all over for you.

    They don’t wear a suit 

    Nine times out of ten, recruiters like this work in organisations that take “work culture” seriously. So, odds are they’ll comb through your social media before even calling you. If they find something off, ghosting straight.

    There are more than three interviewers

    Even if almost everyone on the panel likes you, one person can decide to be the instrument of your village people. 

    The recruiter compliments your fashion sense

    They think you have money and know that the ₦80k they plan to offer you can’t even pay for your Uber.

    They ask for your expected salary

    Whatever you respond with is liable to lead to ghosting. Too small? You don’t know your worth. Too much? You’re worth too much for them.

    Then they smile when you answer

    You probably just named a figure even the CEO doesn’t get. That’s the only reason for that smile, trust me.

    They’re too friendly during the interview

    They’re probably trying to cushion the fact that the interview is just a formality, and the CEO’s elder sister’s friend’s cousin is waiting to resume.

    Or don’t crack a smile

    They either don’t like you, or they recently fought with their spouse. Either way, it’s not looking good for you.

    They say, “We’ll get back to you.”

    They won’t.


    NEXT READ: A Day in the Life of a Frustrated Job Seeker

  • A Day in the Life of a Frustrated Job Seeker

    For this “A Day in the Life”, we’re chronicling what it means to hustle in Nigeria as someone who’s still trying to find a hustle. Daniel rants about his experiences and tells us why “unemployed” isn’t the right adjective for him.


    6:00 a.m.

    I woke up early today, as usual. No, I’m not a “go-getter” who wakes up on Monday mornings to watch motivational videos and start grinding. I’ve just realised it’s easier if my mum doesn’t wake up before me. Who wants to start their day with lectures of, “How are you going to find a job if you’re always sleeping?” In this house, we avoid wahala.

    The first thing I do is check my emails. I must have applied to at least 15 jobs in the past week, and it’s still radio silence. I’ve been actively job-seeking since I got laid off seven months ago, and a lot has changed. Before, I wouldn’t apply to jobs that didn’t state the salary in the job description, but now, let’s just say I’ve learned. But what’s with recruiters and not stating the salary? What does “competitive salary” even mean? 

    They need to know that the salary is no longer competing with anything. Do they know how much data and transportation alone cost these days? Ask Twitter people, and they’ll tell you that ₦400k doesn’t do anything in the streets anymore. Is it until I apply for a job and go through one million interviews that I’ll know the budget for the role is ₦80k? You people should pity somebody.

    12:00 p.m.

    I think there should be a level between employed and unemployed. I fall under the unemployed, but it feels like I’ve never worked so hard in my life. Job-searching is a full-time job. I just finished updating my CV and cover letter for the umpteenth time, and I’m wondering who had the bright idea to invent cover letters in the first place.

    It’s always, “Update your CV” or “Don’t use the same CV and cover letter to apply to every job so it’s tailored to the role”. Do I want to use my whole life to write CVs? Don’t I have other things I’m thinking about?

    If it’s not about updating it, it’s about how different people have what they think a good CV should look like. One said I should add a link to my LinkedIn profile. Another one said adding links in CVs isn’t good.  One will say I should add my gender, and another one will say it’s not necessary. I think we all need to come together and just create a Nigerian CV constitution because it’s not me you people will confuse.

    4:00 p.m.

    I just found an interview invite in my email, and I don’t know whether to be happy or not because I don’t even remember applying there. First, it’s in Ikeja, and we know what that could mean. It’s one of three options: It’s legit, it’s a scam, or they want to relieve me of my body parts. The other two seem more likely. But at this rate, I’ll most likely go. One thing must kill a man.

    8:00 p.m.

    Can we talk about crazy job expectations? Because I just saw one that’s doing my head in. How can you say you’re looking for a virtual assistant but require advanced software administration skills? 

    Another one I saw even asked applicants to write a 500-word letter. As per school essay?

    One day, we’ll find these companies and recruiters and show them just half the shege they’ve shown us. But till then, we keep looking. This money must be made.


    NEXT READ: A Day in the Life of Capitalism

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  • A Day in the Life of Capitalism

    For this “A Day in the Life”, we’re chronicling what it means to hustle in Nigeria as Capitalism. Everyone loves to hate Capitalism, but according to him, he’s just misunderstood. Here’s a day in Capitalism’s life.


    4:00 a.m.

    I overslept today. I typically wake up by 3.40 a.m. so I can check up on my people in Lagos. Everyone claims that the people in Lagos are mad, mostly because of their roads and how they hardly sleep at home, but they’re my good friends. They really buy into my vision of working tirelessly to keep a few people stupidly rich. My enemies say they’re doing it because they’re avoiding my distant cousin, Sapa, but what’s not to love about how I run things?

    If everyone had money, wouldn’t I go against the Holy Book that said, “There will always be the poor among us”? Wouldn’t I contribute to millions of beggars losing their job in this country?

    I don’t want to think about things that’ll annoy me this morning, so I send dreams of poverty to 9-5ers, in case they think about ignoring their alarms.

    12:00 p.m.

    It’s just noon, and I’ve already done five presentations on “No matter how hard you work, you still won’t blow”. I don’t get why people just love to hate on me. All I do is burst my metaphorical ass every day to keep the wheels of society going. And what’s the thanks I get? Multiple jokes and complaints about me. This life is really not balanced.

    4:00 p.m.

    I just know some people will try to close early today — like they try to every day — so I have to put employers on alert. One “Can we have a quick chat?” here and one email there, and that should squash any early closure dream.

    But why do people these days just love to be lazy? Before, we had people who took pride in spending all day at work and never taking leave so they could spend more time with me. But now, especially with this new breed of Gen Z, no one even gives a damn anymore. That’s how one told me last week that she won’t talk to me again because of her “mental health”. What’s that?

    11:00 p.m.

    It’s been a long day, and I briefly consider retirement, but I immediately send that evil thought back into the pit of socialism. Rest is for the dead, and my job is too important. I’m even considering changing my name to “No breaks”. Capitalism sounds old, and everyone has already attached it to something terrible. 

    But can I be honest? I low-key like that most people are scared of me. Atleast if I’m not loved, I know I’m respected. They know they can’t just ghost me if they want to keep being able to afford to spend all day on TikTok. Even if they ghost me for weeks or months, they always return.

    I fall asleep, assured that I’ll always be the main character. I’ll always win. And as those spoiled Gen Z say it, that’s on period.


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    NEXT READ: Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap

  • 8 Ways to Answer “Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years?”

    Most interview questions are unnecessary, but this five-year-plan question is the worst of all. How do you even answer it? Do you lie and say you’d still be in their company while you scream “God forbid” in your mind? Do you say you don’t know?

    Worry no more. We’ve got the perfect answers to this question.

    “I live in the moment”

    They’ll know you don’t bother yourself about things you can’t predict. You focus on solving problems here and now; isn’t that what employers want?

    “Only God knows the future”

    But honestly, how do they expect you to know? Just tell them you don’t know because you’re not God. Believe me, that’s a plus for honesty.

    “Do you people want to fire me before then?”

    They should already know you’ll likely still be in their company in five years, unless they already have plans to sack you. 

    “Five years older”

    That’s the obvious answer, but they won’t expect anyone to say this, so you’ll get points for thinking outside the box.

    “In a senior position earning a higher salary”

    The best thing about this answer is, you aren’t promising to sit down in their company. If they offer you a higher salary, great. If not, you find your level.

    “In your seat”

    Old-fashioned, but might still work for some Nigerian bosses. It’ll show you’re really ambitious and goal-oriented — words recruiters just love to hear. There’s a small chance they’ll get pissed, but what’s life without a little risk?

    “In [insert foreign country]”

    So they don’t get blindsided when you eventually japa to the country of your dreams. If they act surprised, ask them, “Be honest. Don’t you also want to japa?” They’ll stop talking and quietly offer you the job.

    “Alive and well”

    Because living in Nigeria is an extreme sport, still having air in your lungs in five years is a legit accomplishment. Every employer would relate to this.


    NEXT READ: A Monthly Public Holiday Would Increase Productivity. Here’s Why

  • Recruiters, This Is What We Actually Want to See in Job Vacancies

    Dear employers, recruiters and whoever is in charge of writing job vacancy announcements, we’re tired of seeing only job requirements and duties. It’s giving nothing.

    I took it upon myself to ask job seekers what they’d rather like to see, so you may want to answer these questions in the next job opening announcement you put out.

    What are the coworkers like?

    What’s the work culture? And no, we don’t mean putting the “We’re a family” sentence. We’re not family members. You know it, I know it. Let’s cut the crap.

    Why is the position vacant?

    Did the last three people who held this position resign in tears? Did they last three months? Before I’ll go and use my hand to sign my prison sentence.

    How many interviews will I need to do?

    These days, some recruiters state the interview procedure, but it needs to be normalised everywhere. Not that someone will apply now and hear, “Do these three assignments before you can scale through to the preliminary interview”.

    How long will the application process take?

    Will you guys reply within a month, or should I just go and sleep? At least, even if someone doesn’t fit the role, gently break up with them. Don’t ghost them.

    How much is the salary?

    This is the real star of the show. Do you think I’m applying to enter capitalism because of passion?

    Is it eye service you want?

    Because some of you will put 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. as working hours, but if an employee tries to leave work immediately it’s 5, you start squeezing face. Let’s not be unfortunate, dear.

    Does the boss’s head usually touch?

    They don’t use to shout at some of us o. If you know you’ll raise your voice because you “can’t control your passion” or you “expect excellence”, better write it there.

    Can I fall in love with my coworker?

    It’s not like we’ll set out to catch feelings, but sometimes, people want to make their work spouses their actual spouses. If it’s a no-no, write it in the job vacancies so the romantics can find love elsewhere.


    NEXT READ: The Nigerian Millennial’s Guide to Earning What You Deserve

  • The Different Kinds of Colleagues to Avoid Today

    INEC is collating the 2023 election results, tensions are high, and I can bet my last ₦500 that — even though you’ve had to resume work — it’s probably not the first thing on your mind today. Don’t let these colleagues add to what’s already doing you.

    The bad news amplifiers

    It’s like these ones just turned on post notifications for the most horrible news. Yes, we know everything is going to shit, but please, #ProtectYourMentalHealth.

    Team “Why do you care so much?”

    If you check it very well, they’re probably already processing their japa papers, so they don’t care what happens. Lucky for you, Angela, but this is my own future. 

    The overly serious ones

    Anyone who’s 100% focused on work today obviously isn’t normal. I said what I said.

    The suspiciously happy ones

    They might be supporters of a certain overall-best-in-rigging party. You don’t need anyone to tell you they don’t mean you well.

    The low-budget INEC officers

    They have all the figures from every polling unit in the country. On the bright side, you can always go to them for the latest, but if they’re on your work team, sorry for you because you’ll have to do their work in addition to your own.

    The tribal advocates

    Avoiding this set of people is just common sense unless you want to get tempted to slap someone’s child and embrace unemployment.

    Your boss

    Today should’ve been a public holiday. No one should have to answer to capitalism when we’re trying not to die from anxiety.


    NEXT READ: How to Keep Going as We Wait for the Election Results

  • These 7 Jobs Should Come With Free Therapy

    Adulting is more than enough reason to seek therapy. Your entire life is just an endless cycle of bills and deciding what to eat.

    But you see these particular jobs? They’re so stressful, anyone who does them should automatically qualify for free therapy.

    POS operator

    Sure, they’re balling now, but they’re also fast becoming the subject of swears because of the high withdrawal charges the cash scarcity has forced them to impose. #PrayForAnOperatorToday

    Babalawo

    One day, you’re performing money rituals hitch-free. The next day, you hear the government wants to change currency. How do you tell the gods they have to start applying filter on the notes they send?

    Writer

    Especially Zikoko writers. You may already know this, but we’re not fully alright.

    TikToker

    Because it can’t be normal to dress up just to dance in front of a camera 24 hours every day.

    In fact, every content creator 

    Especially those who live in Nigeria. If NEPA isn’t acting up, it’s fuel acting like a shy bride. God, abeg.

    Tailor

    Yes, we love to hate tailors, but why would you give someone ₦5k for a corset dress? Think it na.

    Every worker in Nigeria

    Living in Nigeria is already hard. You now have to work? Sorry o.


    NEXT READ: 10 Signs a New Job Is About to Stress Your Life

  • How to Get Your Boss to Forget About You and Stop Giving You Work

    They may deny it, but managers just love to give certain people almost all the work, as if they’re the only staff in the entire office. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s part of their job description or not. 

    If this is you and you’re sick of it, do these things to make sure your manager stops now.  

    Use jazz 

    Tell your babalawo to do an incantation that’ll erase your name from your boss’ memory every time they’re looking for someone to assign work to. The jazz has to be done well, if not they’ll also forget your name when it’s time for promotion. 

    Do a terrible job 

    Any time they give you work, do a terrible job. Do the opposite of what they ask, submit late, submit incomplete work, act like you didn’t get the assignment, etc. Eventually, they’ll get frustrated. You may get fired sha, so be ready for that too. 

    Quit 

    This may be the most efficient way to get your boss to forget about you. If you’re not an employee of the company, they can’t give you work. 

    Beg them to leave you alone 

    Be dramatic about it. Go down on your knees or roll on the floor and cry. They need to know how bad it is. Maybe then they’ll leave you alone. 

    Give them back their work 

    When they give you the work, tell them you need their help because you can’t understand it. Act confused until they do it themselves or assign it to someone else. Do this consistently, and they’ll stop thinking about you when it’s time to assign a task. Or they’ll see you as incompetent and fire you.

    Air their life 

    When they text or call you for work, don’t answer. Air them every single time and say you didn’t see the call or message. 

    Remind them your colleague is less busy 

    Sometimes, they forget there are other employees in the company, so they need to be reminded. Tell them Chidozie has been pressing phone since morning while you’ve been doing ten million things. 

    Report them to your Nigerian mother 

    Nigerian mothers don’t like seeing their children stressed (except they’re the ones doing the stressing). If your mother finds out about your boss, she’d be quick to call and change it for them. They’ll never call your name again. 

    ALSO READ: These Are the Obvious Signs You’re in Love With Your Boss

    Coming to you next week (January 31st, 2023)
  • Places to Work From When You’re Tired of Working From Home

    Working from home is cool and all, but sometimes, you get tired of staring at the four walls of your house every day. To add a little spice to your work life, try working from any of these locations instead. 

    The beach

    Sometimes, work makes you doubt why you’re alive. So go to the beach and observe the ocean and sunset. It’ll remind you there’s more to life than work, and you have things to live for. 

    Bukka

    The bukka not only provides a change of scenery but a change of smell too. Aren’t you tired of smelling yourself 24/7? Try hot amala, jollof rice and sweat. Sure, you might also add a little weight, but all of that won’t matter in heaven. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Talk About Working From Home

    Church

    When your manager sends you a foolish message, you can just mute your laptop and put their name on the altar. Fire for fire. 

    Forest 

    If you always feel sleepy because you’re working from home, this would cure it. Between killing mosquitoes and watching for wild animal that want to eat you, you’ll be very alert. 

    RELATED: How Are Young Nigerians Breaking the Monotony of Working From Home in 2022

    On an okada 

    How else will you prove you can work under pressure and in a fast-paced environment?

    Your secondary school

    Remind yourself where you’re coming from and let it motivate you to keep pushing. Life’s tough, but you’re tougher. 

    Filling station

    Buy fuel and knock some tasks off of your to-do list. It’s killing two birds with one stone. 

    RELATED: 8 Things You Can Relate to if You Work Remotely From Your House

  • 7 Things Capitalism Scammed Us Into Believing

    Do you remember how long you’ve had a “dream job”? How did anybody ever convince you to dream of labour? Capitalism is to blame. 

    Here are some other things capitalism has scammed you into believing.

    That interviews are a good thing

    First of all, why are you auditioning for hard labour and feeling bad when you get rejections? Do you like pain? It’s giving BDSM. 

    “The harder you work, the more money you make”

    Just take a look at your paycheck and that of a politician. You’ll see that capitalism is a bandit. The easiest way to get rich is to be born rich. The next best way is to marry a rich person. The rest is just capitalism trying to swindle you.

    “Follow your passion, and money will come”

    My passion is sleeping because why am I still a mechanic? Make it make sense.

    Dream jobs

    This one’s obviously a lie to lure us back to the plantations because why are you dreaming of labour?

    “Learning never ends”

    Of course, I’ll keep learning after spending ten hours at work screaming, “Can you see my screen?” and an extra two hours in traffic to and from work every day. I’ll definitely keep learning.

    “Your network is your net worth”

    Just prepare your heart for aggressive airing from all angles. They will snub you so much, you’ll think you’re a ghost.

    Weekends

    When was the last time you actually rested on a weekend? Just think about it. It’s all a scam.


    NEXT READ: Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap


  • Sunken Ships: My Work Wife Made the Job Enjoyable

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this Sunken Ships, Alex*, talks to us about having a work wife, Shalom*, and navigating the job now that she and Alex no longer work together. 

    When did you meet this person? 

    Alex: I met Shalom in October 2020. We got hired at the same time and in our second week in the office we decided to meet in person. 

    Initially, I thought she didn’t like me for some reason, but when we met that day, she was much friendlier than I thought. 

    Was that when you got closer? 

    Alex: Not really. It wasn’t until one Friday, about a week or so after we met that she called me to get to know me. We hit it off immediately. At that point, I realised that if she had asked me to do all her work for her I would have. 

    I’m a very private person, but we followed each other on all the social media platforms. We liked the same books, I liked talking to her and I thought she was funny and brilliant. It made sense to follow each other everywhere. Over time, I started to send her funny TikToks. I never shut up about her and everyone in my life was tired of hearing about this person. I won’t lie. 

    It dawned on me that I loved her in a friend way when I made her a playlist. I don’t just make anyone playlists. There have been so many great moments in her presence and I have so much love for her that if at any point we stop being friends I’ll always root for her and I know she’ll be rooting right back. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: He’s the Reason I Started Making Playlists for People

    That’s so cute. What was working with her like?

    Alex: Well, we worked remotely, but working with her meant feeling seen. She understood what I struggled with because she was struggling with it too.  I looked forward to going to the office on the days we had to because she’d be there and I’d feel less alone. 

    She’s also more outgoing than me, so she made sure to include me in activities I’d have normally shied away from. Hell, I want to say she made me more productive. With her there, I actually wanted to get my work done. Working with her was great and she made work more fun. 

    How did you feel when she told you she was leaving?

    Alex: Conflicted. She wasn’t always very happy there and I wanted better for her but I also knew I was going to miss her. I felt so sad for the longest time because we were a team of two and I already felt alone and hidden in my office. With her gone, it’d be worse. 

    I think at first I was distant because I worried about things changing between us, but we just went right back to talking after like it didn’t happen. 

    When she left, it meant I had to do the work of two people alone and no one saw it as a problem until I pointed it out. It increased my workload and made me tired out, but that’s about it. I still have her in my life. 

    Damn. Do you miss working with her? 

    Alex: So much. She made work feel less than a job. She had the most original ideas and encouraged mine no matter how ridiculous. She also spoke up a lot in situations where other people were silent and I always admired that. Plus, she looked so fly all the time. A fine woman 100%. 

    Do you think you’re as close as you used to be? 

    Alex: I don’t think so but it’s just because we don’t work on the same office clock. I used to spend more time in my day talking to her about work and then about our personal lives. I no longer see her as often. 

    We still talk, send tweets, have long phone calls and send Tiktoks to one another. She’s my babe for life. I’d like to deliberately make time to plan a physical hang-out because she is one of the best people in my life right now. 

    Do you want her to come back?

    Alex: No honestly, but I will love to work with her again someday.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

  • These 7 Jobs Should Be Bigger Than They Are

    Some professions are more respected and loved than others. And some are just plain underrated. Here are some jobs we actually shouldn’t look down on because they’re really amazing.

    Town crier 

    Imagine waking up to a bell and someone giving the whole town hot gist? The gossip levels will increase, and it’ll foster town unity. 

    Philosopher 

    All the thinking you’ve been thinking for free, where has it taken you? Nowhere. At least, let your overthinking put food on your table and a roof over your head. It’s time to start asking yourself the difficult questions. 

    Alchemist 

    Imagine being able to turn copper into gold? Or lead into silver? 

    RELATED: How to Vomit Pounds

    Nomenclator  

    Someone who helps people to recall the names of everyone they’ve met. In this era of short-term memory, this should be a massive profession. Do you know how many awkward situations would be prevented if someone actually remembered names on people’s behalf? 

    Food tasters 

    With the rise of village people, it’s important for you to have someone taste the food you want to eat. 

    Knocker-upper

    Are you tired of always snoozing your alarm and waking up late anyway? Well, a knocker-upper’s job is to wake people more effectively… by beating you till you wake up. You’ll never miss an alarm again. 

    Bell-ringer 

    Bell-ringing is a pretty accurate way to tell time for those who run from their responsibilities.

    RELATED: 10 Signs a New Job Is About to Stress Your Life

  • QUIZ: What Designer Will You Work With in 2023?

    If you think you’re going to be like Chimamanda and work with Dior, you’re wrong oo! Take this quiz and find out the designer you’re going to be working with this year

  • Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap

    If there’s one career advice we get all the time, it’s either, “Do what you love, so you never have to work a day in your life” or “Follow your passion”. These statements are tied to the notion that people should do anything to get a particular job that’d make them happy and fulfilled — the proverbial “dream job”.

    I’ve always thought the concept of a dream job is just another ploy to keep you shackled to the chains of capitalism. Why should you dream of working every day of your active life for fulfilment? 

    Don’t take it from me. These Nigerian professionals share similar sentiments as they tell us why they stopped believing in dream jobs.

    “I do love my job, but it’s just not enough.”

    — Damian*, 32

    I grew up in a typical Nigerian home, where the dad was always working and the mum was a stay-at-home carer. My dad took great pride in his work, and we didn’t lack anything, so I grew up believing all I had to do as a man was my best work and everything else would fall into place.

    My dream job was to be a banker like my dad, and I did everything possible to make sure I achieved it. I’m the assistant branch manager at a commercial bank now, but I feel like I’m living my life for someone else. 

    I work so hard every day, telling myself I chose this life. I do love my job, but it’s just not enough. I hardly have time to even think about other things I might enjoy, and at the end of the day, no one gives a shit about you. You can drop dead one minute, and work will continue the next. Is that life?

    “Every job fuels capitalism”

    — Clarissa*, 27

    I’ll admit I once believed in a “dream job” that had to be the end goal if you wanted to feel like you’ve achieved a successful career. Mine wasn’t a specific role; it just had to be something that paid me in dollars.

    I got the dollar-paying job in 2021 and felt good for a while, but capitalism is still capitalism. It’s still the same mind-numbing work that takes over your life. Every job fuels capitalism. The only difference is the amount of money you choose to sell your freedom for. 

    “Dream jobs don’t necessarily pay the bills”

    — Obed*, 29

    When I hear “dream job”, I think “follow your passion”. I followed my passion for a while by studying veterinary medicine in university, but omo, I came out and saw that the economy wasn’t smiling. There aren’t enough opportunities for vets in Nigeria. Me, I’ve changed my passion to what can feed me, please.

    “The idea just benefits employers”

    — Olanna*, 25

    I believed that for someone to enjoy working, they had to really love their jobs, so any job that’d make me absolutely love working was meant to be my dream job.

    But I have better sense now, and I realise that idea just benefits employers. They encourage you to put in your all to gain “fulfilment” and “change the world”, but they’re the ones who largely benefit from your hard work. No one really loves working. We just do it because we have to.

    I’m not saying, don’t like your job. Heck, you have to, or else you’d be miserable all your life. But just do what you can and throw away any notion that you’re indispensable. To your employer, everyone is dispensable. 


    RELATED: I Love My Job, But I Hate The Fact That I Have to Work


    “Not everyone has the luxury for it”

    — Dana*, 32

    Not everyone has the luxury of pursuing their dreams or jobs they supposedly have passion for, especially in Nigeria. I believed in dream jobs as a young university leaver, but life has shown me we don’t always get to choose what we love. So, what’s the point of believing in it? 

    Employers don’t even care whether you love the job or not. As long as you’re doing what they paid you for, it’s not their business.

    “A job is just a job”

    — Anita*, 26

    Just like characters in romance novels, I used to believe there was a career path that was “the one” for me. But I’ve pivoted from health to human resources and now administration. I’ve realised there’s no one job that makes me feel fulfilled. As long as I keep doing good work, and my salary helps ease my stress, I’m fine. A job is just a job. We weren’t put on this earth to focus our energies on finding one dream job.

    “Money is my own dream”

    — Dotun*, 36

    I was guilty of telling people to follow their passion, but getting married and having children made me realise money is my own dream.

    I followed my passion by starting my career in journalism, but the work environment and challenges that came with it aren’t for the weak. Plus, it doesn’t pay too well.  When I got the opportunity to move into tech, I did. Now, I tell people not to be boxed into a corner by the idea of a dream job. Dreams can change, and they can be fuelled by anything. 

    What if your “dream job” is killing you or can’t pay your bills? Better dream again.


    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.


    NEXT READ: How to Work When Work Is the Last Thing on Your Mind

  • How to Work When Work Is the Last Thing on Your Mind

    Unfortunately for you, work has resumed. Since you can’t manufacture a public holiday, it’s time to do the job you’re paid to do.

    God, abeg

    But how do you work when every cell in your body either wants to rewind time so it’s December again, or fast-forward it to payday? Just use these tips.

    Start counting the days

    Anytime you get tired of work, remember you’re a few more hours closer to salary day. 

    Throw in pointless office lingo

    Because what says performance-driven employee like throwing words like “bandwidth”, “circle back” or “drill down”? It doesn’t even need to relate to the subject matter. Just say it so it sounds like your mind is on your job.

    Look serious

    Even though you aren’t currently doing anything, everyone will think you’re brainstorming the next big idea. 

    Blame MTN and their cohorts

    I’m not saying you should use bad internet as an excuse for not doing your work o. But it’s not within your control, abi? 

    Set up meetings

    You don’t even need an agenda. Everyone knows most meetings are just a waste of time. You can even say the purpose is for everyone to share what they learnt during the holidays. That should knock at least two hours off the day.

    Just look busy

    If you need to @channel on Slack for no reason, or walk up and down your office to look busy, just do it. Others may call it eye service, but you’re just protecting your job.

    Remember the state of your account balance

    Can you really afford to leave your job? We’ll leave you to answer that yourself.

    Beg God to let you blow this year

    At the end of the day, who even likes working? Just blow so you can tell your oga to eat their job.


    NEXT READ: How to Play Nigerian Office Politics and Win

  • The 8 Stages of Resuming Work After the Holidays

    The time every capitalist slave dreads is finally here. The holidays are ending, and your owner, capitalism, is about to take over.

    Let’s take you through all the stages and emotions you’ll experience in the coming days.

    At first, you’ll be indifferent

    You’ve just been sleeping and eating for a while now, and work is the last thing on your mind… if it’s even on your mind at all.

    Then, reality starts to kick in

    Your office is already sending you season’s greetings and “can’t wait to see you at the office” messages. How many days was the holiday sef?

    You start considering your options

    You start thinking of excuses to stretch your holiday as much as possible. What if you tell oga that the only filling station in your village burned down and there’s no fuel for buses to travel back to your city? They should understand.

    Before realising you have no choice

    Because no matter what excuses you give, capitalism always wins. Unless you don’t have issues with poverty or sleeping under the bridge.

    Cue in anger

    Then you start blaming everyone and anyone for your predicament. Who even decided people have to work to survive? Whose ancestor invented work, and why do we have to suffer because of that?

    You finally resume

    And paste on fake smiles when the office oversabi starts talking about how much they missed everyone at the office. Stop it, Sandra. We know you’re lying.

    And embrace fake humility

    Have you forgotten it’s January? No buying of unnecessary amala at lunch. Better hide somewhere and drink your garri in peace if you want to survive the coming days.

    Start counting down to the next holiday

    How can the next holiday be all the way in April? Why isn’t Valentine’s Day a public holiday? Don’t we all need time off to celebrate the power of love?


    NEXT READ: Why the Federal Government Needs to Give Us More Public Holidays

  • December Is a Bittersweet Month for 9–5ers, According to Yetunde

    It’s the end of the year, and while some of us are trying to figure out how to detty December on a mechanic’s budget, 9-5ers are experiencing a different kind of hell.

    Don’t get me wrong. The average 9-5er looks forward to the holidays — just imagining meeting-free days and festive hampers can make one go weak in the knees — but most also agree December is the most scattered month of the year.

    I spoke with Yetunde Dada, a business consultant at a human resources consulting and recruitment firm in Lagos, and she gave me the lowdown on why the season isn’t so jolly for 9-5ers.

    The work never really stops

    You’d think the year ending means work will reduce and everyone can coast into the new year. Heck no. If anything, work seems to have doubled because bosses want to end the year with a “big bang”. Whatever that means.

    But many people start closing mentally

    If you think about it, maybe it’s just the Detty December state of mind that makes it seem like the work has increased. Imagine putting Christmas funds calculations and work in the same head.

    “We’ll revisit this next year”

    This suddenly becomes everyone’s motto. Faulty water dispenser at the office? “We’ll revisit it next year.” We need to settle the contracts for the new hires? “Oh, next year!”

    You begin to wonder who’ll do all the work we pushed to next year.

    Gift planning is the ghetto

    Of course, you have to send gifts to the clients who worked with you throughout the year, and deciding on what gift to give will take approximately 50 wasted meeting hours. Add that to the regular work you’re still expected to do.

    End-of-year parties nko?

    Don’t get me started on the parties and “team bonding” sessions. Sure, it’s great to eat and enjoy your life at your employer’s expense, but God help you if you’re part of the planning committee. By the time you use three meetings to decide on the party’s theme, you’ll be tempted to punch something. Or someone.

    Closing out for the year… or not

    Most offices do this thing where they close for the year but only close the office. You can be cooking Christmas rice when you’re suddenly called into a meeting. Anything for the client, right?

    It’s too damn brief

    After all the wahala, you only get like one week of sanity before the madness starts again. Is it really worth it?

    January poverty

    Most importantly, everyone tries to ignore the fact that their salary might not smell January, and January has two million days. Because if you think about it, you’d just cry.


    NEXT READ: Capitalism Wrapped: How’s Your Work Life Been This Year?

  • QUIZ: What Office Award Do You Deserve?

    You deserve an award for all the stress you’ve gone through at your job this year. Take this quiz to find out which.

  • The 10 Times It’s Okay to Cry at Work 

    People cry at work all the time, majorly because of work stress. But here are 10 other times it’s perfectly okay to shed premium tears in the office. 

    When you forget your lunch at home

    Do you know how painful it is to pack your lunch for work the night before only to forget it at home in the morning? Now, it’s lunchtime, and you don’t have food to eat. Just sit in one corner and cry.  

    When a colleague decides to sit with you during lunch

    You just want to eat in peace without forming a fake conversation. The only 30 minutes you get to yourself during the entire work day, someone wants to use it to discuss how work is stressing them. God, abeg.

    When your boss gives you work five minutes to closing time

    It’s 5:55 p.m., and you’ve packed your bag, ready to go, but your boss decides they want to take away the shred of joy you have left. They suddenly have one big task for you to do that they couldn’t give you during the day. 

    When your team member goes on leave

    Now, all the work is on your head. You’re doing their work plus yours — which is already stressful enough — for the next two weeks. And, of course, your boss won’t hear that you’re just one person with one head and two arms. They expect the same turnaround time as if two people are doing the work.

    When half of the team japa

    Half of the team has left the company for greener pastures in other countries. Meanwhile, you’re still here, not because you believe in Nigeria, but because you don’t have money to leave. To make it worse, your company isn’t planning to replace them anytime soon.

    When your free ride isn’t going to work 

    You took Uber to work because the colleague you usually carpooled with fell sick. Now, ₦4,000 (your entire monthly transport budget) has left your account. In this economy? 

    When your Wi-Fi messes up 

    You’re about to get into an important meeting with a client, and your Wi-Fi says, “Not today, dear”. Everyone will now think you’re late. 

    When your boss comes to the office 

    Your boss coming to the office means more work and no peace of mind. Every five minutes, you’re being called for one thing or the other. The worst part is you can’t leave the office early. 

    When you send an email with typos 

    You’ve read this email ten times, edited it with various grammar apps and seen no errors. But after you send it to a client, copying your boss, you see, “Kind regrds”, “Plose and attached” and” Per my last emil”. It’s over for you.

    When you lie to your boss, and they find out 

    You tell your boss you’ve done the work they gave you two weeks ago. Meanwhile, you haven’t even opened the document. Now, they’ve asked for the work, and you don’t have it. To make it worse, you have to request access from him to open the document.

    ALSO READ: First Day at Work — Zikoko Employee Edition

  • How to Turn Up on a Weeknight and Still Survive Work the Next Day

    I’ve always wondered how fellow 9-5ers turned up on weeknights. How are you at the club on a Tuesday night? Don’t you have work the next day? I figured something must be giving them the special magic powers to get up to work the next day. After doing some research (LOL, please), I discovered these eight things they do to party on weeknights and still survive work the next day.

    Give a sacrifice to the gods

    First, you must appease the gods of turn-up so they can go easy on you. Take two boiled eggs, a bottle of whiskey and a tuber of yam to the entrance of Quilox, and leave them there. When you wake up the next day, you won’t even feel like anything happened the night before.

    Drink 20k gallons of water 

    Okay, exaggerate much? Just drink as much water as you can while you’re partying. It’ll especially help with the hangover. 

    Quit your job

    Just stop working entirely so you can party every day of the week and have nothing to worry about. Although I’m not sure how you plan to bankroll your partying without a job. 

    ALSO READ: The  Zikoko Guide to Drinking at a Party

    Maybe don’t party on a weeknight

    Maybe wait till Friday and Saturday. But this life na one sha; we’re supposed to enjoy it as much as possible, so don’t listen to me.

    Sleep and wake up two minutes before work resumes

    So you can get in as much sleep as possible. This only works if you work from home sha. Sorry to you if you live in Lagos and have to be at the office.

    Call in sick

    And use the entire day to recover. I’m not encouraging you to lie o. But this can only work one or two times, so good luck. 

    Take *redacted*

     Whatever ‘redacted’ is to you, take it. 

    Coffee

    Coffee is the ultimate saviour of people’s jobs. A cup of coffee will help you get through the day after doing ijo laba laba and legwork all night. 

    But be careful because caffeine addiction is a serious thing. 

    ALSO READ: How to Throw a Chaotic Good Party, According to Chiby Iwobi

  • What You Should Know Before Working for a Startup

    If you’re toying with the idea of working for a startup, just prepare your mind for these things so you’re not caught off guard.

    So you’ve come to terms with the fact that to make money, you have to work…

    A sad reality, but okay.

    Then you chose to work for a startup because you must get this bag…

    Just clap for yourself.

    Just prepare your mind for these things because startups are not for the weak

    You’ll see pepper sha, but if that’s your kink, keep reading.


    Your job title is just that… a job title

    If you think because you have just one job title, then you’ll have one role, you’re sorely mistaken. Prepare yourself to take on three roles at the same time, while always fighting fires.

    Your working hours will seem normal on paper

    On paper, it’ll look like you have a regular job. You go to work at 8 a.m. and leave by 5 p.m. This will leave you thinking you’re going to a traditional workplace. LMAO.

    But you’ll wonder where your work-life balance went

    Suddenly, you’re working all the time, even when you’re not at the office. If your job is remote, just know your case is worse. You’re always at work. Slowly, your coworkers become your best friends, and your work becomes your life.

    You’ll learn a lot very quickly

    Unless you’re an olodo. Because how can you not get 5x better after working on one million projects in six months?

    But they’ll either pay you very little…

    It’s not their fault. If they haven’t blown or raised money yet, you’re not working for money. You’re working to “change the world”. 

    …or very well

    But if they have plenty of dollars in the bank, your life will be soft. Then you can start putting laptop emojis on your Twitter bio and fighting about why React is a better framework than Vue. Talk about rich people problems.

    They have a mission statement, and you must buy into it

    It’s money you were looking for going in, but you need to think about changing the world first ,even though your rent is due tomorrow.

    This is how people will see you

    But this is how you’ll be inside


    NEXT READ: 4 Nigerians Tell Us What It’s Like Working at a Nigerian Startup


  • Zikoko’s Guide to Freelancing Like a Pro

    So you’ve decided you don’t like the typical 9-to-5 or you need some extra cash. Or maybe, you’re just getting started and you want to build experience before finding a full-time job. Either way, you’ve decided you want to try your hand at freelancing. This guide will show you how to do it like a pro.

    First, what is freelancing?

    Freelancing is using your skills, education and experience to work with multiple clients on different projects, without committing to a single employer. 

    In simpler terms, freelancing is contract-based work. You’re using your skills to help people or companies accomplish stuff, but you’re not actually employed by any of them.

    How’s this different from a full-time job?

    You already get the main gist, but there are other differences between freelancing and a full-time job. 

    The first one is you don’t earn a salary. Most freelancers earn on a project-by-project basis. This means you can earn more when you have a lot of high-paying projects at hand. But when you don’t, brace yourself for sapa.

    So, how to freelance well

    First, get a skill

    You probably know this already, but you need you can sell to clients in the first place. Most likely digital skills such as digital marketing, social media management, copywriting, content writing, software development and a whole lot of other things you could do.

    You need some experience

    We all know the chicken-and-egg problem of needing some experience to find a job while also needing a job to get the experience. It’s not very different with freelancing. You need to show you’ve done what you claim you can do.

    A good fix is to have side projects presented very nicely in a portfolio of some kind, to show your potential employers.

    You also need access to clients

    People will tell you the best way to get clients is to sign up on freelance platforms. But the best way is actually through referrals from a network you’ve built over time. 

    But again, you need to find clients to work with to build your network. So back to freelancing platforms, websites like Upwork, Freelancer, Gigster and many others. You’d have to create a profile on these sites to sell yourself and your services/skills. 

    Know how to negotiate

    Most freelance platforms are marketplaces, and the people who want to hire you will definitely price your market. Stay guided, and make sure you know what you’re worth. Have a minimum rate you’re willing to accept and go from there. You might be earning very little at first, but you can expect your income to increase with your experience and rating on these platforms. 

    Negotiations will either make you eat good or stress for nothing. There are useful resources online that teach you how to negotiate and price your services better as a freelancer. 

    Have good internet

    Make sure your internet won’t air you when it’s a day to deadline and you’re trying to fix a part of your work. If you need to make a good choice, read this. Choose well and have peace of mind.

    Even after choosing well, your service provider can sly you anytime. That’s why you should plan to have a backup or number of backup providers as you start making money.

    Have steady electricity

    You can’t work well as a freelancer if you’re having issues with electricity. But if you live in Nigeria, there’s a good chance you’ll have this issue anyway. A small generator might come through for you in this case. If you have a bit more money, you can buy an inverter to save yourself the stress of looking for fuel every other day. 

    You need a means of receiving money

    In the end, you’re doing this for the money. And even though it’s sweet to earn in dollars, you need a way to actually receive it in your non-dollar account. There are many apps for this — Payoneer, Grey finance, Wise, and cryptocurrency apps — so pick the ones that suit you best. 

    When you start earning your dollars, come back to Zikoko and buy us puff-puff.


    NEXT READ: We Curated These Sites to Help You Make Money Online


  • I Love My Job, But I Hate The Fact That I Have to Work

    I love my job (don’t worry, I’m not being threatened to say this); it gives me the freedom to express myself and my creativity while also working with the best colleagues. But even as much as I love my job, I hate having to wake up every day to sit in front of a desk.  

    My company pays me to create funny, ridiculous TikToks — TikToks where I get to slander my colleagues — and I still hate working. I hate that enduring capitalism will be my life for the next 15 – 20 years. Doesn’t matter if it’s answering to an employer or working for myself. In an ideal world, I’d wake up every day and do whatever I want, whenever I wanted, without any financial pressure. 

    I asked the seven other young Nigerians how they felt about working. Their opinions: 

    Ibrahim*, 23, Writer and Content Creator 

    For some people, the fact that they have the opportunity to work is a blessing. Also, people say they hate work until they stop working. I know a few people who quit their jobs, and after a few months, they got bored. As for me, I hate work. I don’t want to work ever again in my life. I just want to have enough money to travel once in a while and live a happy life with my family. 

    ALSO READ: This Public Relations Writer Is Tired of Writing for Money — A Week in the Life

    Adeola*, 24, Lawyer

    Even if I liked painting. I would still hate waking up and picking up a brush to paint instead of watching series on Netflix.  

    Amanda*, 23, Banker

    I love working. My dislike for work started when I began working a 9–5. Before then, I was making and selling different types of braided wigs, and I thoroughly enjoyed doing that. I don’t mind having a ton of work to do, as long as I get to do it on my own time. A 9–5 doesn’t give you that, and that’s the major problem I have with work.  

    Fred*, 26,  Architect 

    What I hate about work mostly is the commute. The fact that I have to get up, leave my house and enter traffic every day makes me not want to work. Also, I hate work when it becomes monotonous and begins to feel like a chore. Other than that, I actually enjoy working.

    Amina*, 28, Director, Writer and Producer

    I don’t mind working, but does it have to be every day? I want to work when I feel like it. For me, that’s like twice a year; I spend six months writing a script and use the other six to shoot and edit. There’s a lot less pressure on me this way. The pressure is what I hate the most about working.

    Nnamdi*, 35, Entrepreneur

    Everything gets stressful to do at some point. Athletes have some days when they just don’t feel like playing. Artists sometimes hate that they have to perform, and even actors sometimes hate that they have to wake up early and go on set. You love it o, but some days, it’ll be wahala. The love for it is what keeps you going. But even sleeping can get stressful once it becomes a job. 

    ALSO READ: 9 Nigerians Talk About Being Overworked And Underpaid

    Bob*, 22, Writer 

    Sometimes I like my job. Often enough to forget how much it sucks. But I hate the fact that I have to work. Knowing it’ll be my life for a couple more years is scary. It kills me that I’ll have to wake up every day before 8 a.m, and my life belongs to someone else until 6 p.m. I’ll always be tired, and it’s not going away anytime soon. 

    ALSO READ: 4 Ways To Achieve A Better Work-Life Balance

    Debo*, 27, Writer 

    I hate my job. I genuinely do. Maybe it’s because I’m exhausted, but I don’t even care for what I do anymore. No matter how much you’re making or love your job, you’ll start to resent it if you don’t take breaks. It’s a “too much of a good thing turns into a major problem” kind of thing. We all just need to dissociate from work once in a while. 


     Next, read about how Young Nigerians Are Breaking the Monotony of Working From Home in 2022

  • How to Perfect Your Eye Service Game in a Nigerian Workplace

    If you haven’t gotten the memo, typical Nigerian employers want you to actually die for their company. That’s the only way you can prove your commitment.

    So, you should learn to give them what they want, even if it’s eye service. Start doing these things today.

    Always look serious

    Laughter is for the lazy and unproductive.

    Schedule all your emails to send at 1 a.m.

    How else would they know you’re putting in the work?

    Copy all your superiors in every single email

    And we mean ALL of them. Flood their inbox with your productivity.

    Call them at 7 a.m. on weekends

    Just so you can beg them to give you something to keep busy.

    Reject salary increase

    Do you want them to think you’re doing it for the money? Reject any offer to increase your salary and watch their respect for you increase.

    Be the first to resume and the last to leave

    And if you’re working remotely, make sure everyone on Slack or Teams know that you’re still online doing God-knows-what.

    Spill your co-worker’s secrets

    Tell your boss about Cynthia that spent two minutes extra at lunch. Will your coworkers hate you? Yes of course. But this isn’t about them. It’s about becoming your boss’ favourite.

    Praise your boss on LinkedIn

    This is the ultimate move. Make their head swell and you’ll be promoted to assistant CEO the next day, without a salary increase of course.


    NEXT READ: How to Kill It on Your First Day at a New Job

  • 7 Ways To Make Money Without Working For It

    They say the best things in life are free. And in our opinion, money is one of these things. So here are some tips on how to make money without necessarily working for it. 

    Participate in giveaways 

    With so much money to be won online, we wonder why you’d choose to suffer at any job. Some people already make a living this way. Better join the train. 

    We await the good news: How To Win Don Jazzy’s Giveaways

    Get married

    Or at least, say you’re getting married. Do you know how much people pay for asoebi? When you tell them the wedding got cancelled, they’d pity you too much to ask for a refund. 

    Become a sugar baby

    All you have to do is go to the right places and meet the right people. You might still have to ‘work’, but at least it’s the good kind. 

    Here’s how: 7 Sure-Fire Ways to Get a Glucose Guardian 

    Start a pyramid scheme

    Get two people to bring two people who’d bring another two. Nothing lasts forever, so they won’t be surprised when you say it crashed. 

    Be the last born

    Everyone knows the only thing last-borns are good at is eating, sleeping and billing their older siblings for money they neither earned nor worked for. 

    Become a Nigerian politician 

    Talk about eating a piece of the national cake! 

    Start here: The 10 Stages Of Becoming A Nigerian Politician

    Sell your body

    No, not in the way you think… even though that could work too. Your body is a goldmine; you should be cashing out already. Whether it’s selling your eggs, sperm, blood, or organs, you’re sure to make a large sum. 

    Also read: All You Need to Know About Donating Sperm in Nigeria

  • QUIZ: This Quiz Will Tell You What Day to Resume Work Next Week

    The weekend is here! And we’ve been blessed with two extra days. HR wants you to be back at work on Wednesday, but what if you’re not ready? We’re here to tell you the perfect day to resume.

    Take the quiz:

  • These Nigerians Won’t Stay With Partners Who Switch to These Jobs

    I saw this tweet below and the amebo in me decided to ask people what jobs they wouldn’t want their partners to have. 

    This is what they said: 

     

    “I’ll die from embarrassment if my man decides to become an IG comedian”

     — Adeola, 25

    I’m not sure how I’d react if my man decides to become an IG comedian. I can’t imagine seeing my man on Instagram trying to make people laugh by changing into different ridiculous costumes. I can already feel the second-hand embarrassment just thinking about it. It’s even worse if he’s the type that wears wigs and dresses. Someone will ask me what my man does, and I’ll have to say he’s an IG comedian, God Abeg. Also, what if he’s not funny? I still have to share the video on my insta story and encourage him? I can die of embarrassment. 

    “Imagine seeing girls fawn over your husband on social media and in person” 

     — Emma*, 24

    My heart won’t be able to accept my partner if he decides to be an actor. First of all, there’s all that lip action. How are you kissing all these people with so much passion and you expect me to think there’s nothing there? Aside from the acting, there are the fans. I know how crazy fangirling can be, so imagine seeing girls fawn over your husband on social media and in person. I won’t be able to handle it. I don’t know how wives of people like Etim Effiong or RMD do it. 

    QUIZ: Which Nollywood Actor Are You?

    “My biggest fear is that I’d have to play their music to my friends”

     — Ikenna*, 26 

    If my partner decides to become a musician, I’ll end the relationship. First of all, they’ll play their songs for you all the time, and you have to listen even when you’re not in the mood. Imagine living with them and they now have a studio in the house; I’d run mad. It’s worse if they play an instrument and they’re trying to “serenade” you; that’s even more stress. Then they expect you to say nice things about the music, which basically means I’d have to lie, and I don’t know how to lie. That’s how the relationship will end. My biggest fear is that I’d have to play their music to my friends or make my friends attend their music shows. That’s a hard pass for me, please. 

    “I don’t know how I’d react if my husband gets a job offshore”

     — Chisom*, 24

    For me, it’s my husband deciding to become one of those oil workers that work offshore. I can’t live with the fact that I might only get to see the love of my life once every 2 – 3 months. I’ve been doing long distance for over three years. I finally get to be with him, and that’s when he decides to get into a career that’ll once again keep him away? Yeah — no, I’m not doing that. It’s the same reason why I’d also be upset if he decided to become a pilot. 

    Also, becoming a masseuse is off the table, simply because I may pass out from the thought of my partner rubbing his hands all over another person. 


    “I wouldn’t respect my boyfriend if he decided to become a stripper”

     — Bola*, 24

    I’ll break up with my man if he decides to become a male stripper. I think male stripping is silly, and everyone will see how silly my boyfriend is. I’m not sure I’d have respect for him if he decided to get into that. And I’d feel major second-hand embarrassment. 

     ALSO READ: Nigerians Call Strippers So Many Dirty Names — A Week in the Life of a Stripper

    “I’ll  feel like one of her subscribers”

     — Maxwell*, 22

    If my girlfriend decides she wants to be on Onlyfans, I’ll shed serious tears. The main reason is that nothing will feel special again; I’ll just feel like one of her subscribers. 

    “I wouldn’t want to do traditional rites with my partner”

     — Adamma*, 27 

    There are two jobs on this list: traditional ruler and politician. First of all, they both involve having to be responsible for human beings, and I know I’m not cut out for that. Also, as the wife of a traditional ruler, I’d have to do ritual rites with him, and that’s a big no for me. As a politician’s wife, I’d be expected to behave a certain way and to do certain things. If he’s now a bad leader, citizens will curse my family and me anyhow. 

     “I don’t rate makeup artists”

     — Emmanuel*, 26

    Becoming a makeup artist is where I draw the line. I don’t take makeup artists seriously. I just don’t rate the job. I think most makeup looks look weird, and every Nigerian babe looks the same nowadays. I think the “art” in make-up artist is pretentious sef.

    “I don’t want my girlfriend making it easier for other men” 

    — Ola, 27

    I hope my girlfriend never becomes a stripper. It’s one thing for other men to ogle your woman; it’s another thing for her to make it easy for them. 


    Funny enough, I’d already told millennials not to date people with certain jobs in this article: Dear Millennials, for Your Own Sake, Don’t Date People With These Jobs

  • What Your Most Productive Time of the Day Says About You

    Different people are more productive at different times of the day. I wish we were all able to wake up, show up and work effectively at the same time. But in the meantime, here’s what your most productive time says about you?

    5 a.m – 7 a.m 

    You like to be one step ahead of everyone. You can’t wait to get on with your work. While everyone is still asleep, you’ve replied to emails and finished all your tasks for the day. For you to be able to wake up and work at this time of the morning means you always have so much energy and exuberance, Nigeria cannot get you down. 

    9 a.m – 12 p.m

    You always keep to time and lateness irritates your soul. You’re very organized and you have a to-do list that you check off as the day goes by. By the time you start work, you know exactly what you’re going to do and you hate distractions. You have goals you need to achieve and nothing can stop you. 

    1 p.m – 4 p.m

    You come alive at noon. If anyone talks to you in the morning, you can slap them. Work resumes at 9, but your prayer is that you don’t have any deadlines by that time. You tend to start slowly, but once it’s noon, you suddenly have an enormous energy supply and you can’t be stopped. You become a super happy person and everyone starts feeding off your energy. You’re warmhearted with a soft spot for people and you enjoy good conversations.

    ALSO READ: First Day at Work — Zikoko Employee Edition

    5 p.m – 7 p.m

    You get distracted a lot, and that’s why you’re doing the work you were supposed to do since morning, at this time. You spend a lot of time gisting with your friends and colleagues and swiping through social media apps. You like to have fun and enjoy life. You also like to be surrounded by people. 

    6 p.m – 9 p.m

    Your motto in this life is “I can’t kill myself”. Procrastination is your major problem in this life and your village people have refused to let you go. You don’t like stress and all you want to do is relax and be taken care of. But capitalism has you in a chokehold, so you just manage to do the work you have to do because inflation is kicking everyone’s butt and you need the money.

    11 p.m – 12 a.m 

    You’re the best when it comes to pop culture because you spend part of your day watching TV series and movies. You’re very much into fashion and you can never be caught unfresh. If there were an award for “Best Dressed” at the office, you’d win it. You understand that work is important, but to you, all work and no play makes John Bosco a dull boy. 

    1 a.m.4 a.m.

    You and the people that fly at night are the only ones awake and having meetings by this time. It’s only you that’ll be sending messages on slack by 2 a.m. when normal people are sleeping. You don’t like to live by rules so you create your own. You’re also a party animal: the one that friends call every time they want to turn up.  But also, you also like your quiet moments and that’s why you prefer to work at this time of the night.

    No particular time 

    Your life is based on vibes and everything and anything works for you. You don’t have any particular set of guidelines that your life follows, nor do you have strict goals. All that matters is comfort and happiness. Anytime wey body sweet you, you work.

    You’re never productive 

    You believe in enjoyment only. You don’t understand why you have to work, and you hate that your parents didn’t build generational wealth. You like the finer things in life, but you don’t want to work for them. 

    ALSO READ:9 Nigerians Talk About Being Overworked And Underpaid

  • To Increase Your Productivity, Drink These Instead of Coffee

    I had two glasses of wine at 12 p.m last Tuesday while working from home. The first thing I noticed was a sudden increase in energy. Also, ideas just started flowing through my head. And then I said to myself, “So coffee isn’t the only thing that can give you this feeling?” Later, I started thinking about coffee alternatives that slap even harder and increase productivity at work.

    Below are the best coffee alternatives I learnt.

    Wine

    Have you ever been wine tipsy? It makes you feel relaxed and happy, like you don’t have a care in the world. And that’s exactly why wine will help in boosting your productivity. Sip a glass at work, and no amount of stress can get to you.

    The tears of your enemies 

    If there’s one thing that’ll motivate you to work harder and faster, it’s knowing that your enemies will be pained by your success. The more successful you become at work, the more your enemies cry. Drink their tears to fuel your energy.

    Kolaq Alagbo

    Kolaq Alagabo is a drink that is apparently known for enhancing sexual performance. My thought process is, if you drink it and don’t fornicate, you can channel all of that energy into your work. Take risk and succeed. 

    Gym Pre-Workout Supplement

    If people at the gym can take it to exercise their bodies, why can’t you take it to exercise your brain to make your work faster and better?

     ALSO READ: You People Are Spending This Much Money on Gym?

    Water

    Water nourishes your body and improves attentiveness, alertness, and energy. All of which help with productivity. Staying hydrated will keep your productivity levels high.

    Orange juice

    The thing that may be affecting your productivity may be this heat that we’re currently facing. To fix this, just drink a big pack of chilled orange juice. 

    Sachet Chelsea 

    Do you see how active and gingered bus conductors are every morning? It’s because they’ve taken that hot London dry gin that makes your chest feel like it’s on fire. Squeeze a sachet into your mouth and turbocharge yourr productivity. But the catch is you have to hurry up and finish your work because, after an hour or two, you’ll fall asleep.


    Disclaimer: Alcoholism isn’t a joke. Please drink responsibly. And don’t drink while driving or operating machinery.

     

    ALSO READ: Weird Homemade Cocktails Zikoko Writers Are Making

  • How Are Young Nigerians Breaking the Monotony of Working From Home in 2022?

    Working from home has many benefits but if there’s one thing I’ve realised since the pandemic, it’s that it can get really boring. It’s just you, your laptop and colleagues that you talk to via email, Slack or Teams. So how do you break that monotony? I asked a few young Nigerians and this is what they said. 

    Ikechukwu*, 27

    I sleep. If sleep isn’t working, I type my resignation letter, then think about how SAPA will hold my neck, and then delete the letter and sleep again. But I don’t really work from home; I have an office space I go to four times a week. I started doing that because sitting at home only stresses me out. So think of the place I go to as an office, but one I can control.

    Tamilore*, 25

    I try to take breaks in between. To be honest, I take breaks because of my ADHD, but it also helps in making me survive how boring work can get. I go to the gym every morning from 6–8:30 a.m. and that helps me start my day with an interesting activity because my gym is a different universe on its own. Also, I watch vlogs — mostly travel vlogs — as an escape from my monotonous world.

    Ebuka*, 26

    When I get tired of working from home, I go out to get coffee and work at the bar. These days, I’ve started taking walks after work. Then I go for salsa every Tuesday and Wednesday evening at this lovely spot not so far from my house. I also like to run to the gym that’s about two kilometres away from my apartment and walk back home when I’m done. I’m not a big fan of using the treadmill at the gym. Also, cooking and trying new recipes is another thing that makes my week interesting. 

    ALSO READ: 5 Things Everyone Needs for Successful Remote Work in Nigeria

    Funke*, 20

    When working from home starts to get monotonous, I change my location. If I’ve been working from my room, I go to a different room in the house. Sometimes, I go to my aunt’s or friend’s house. Then I also cook a lot. I can take twenty minutes to try out a quick recipe I’ve been seeing online. Just the other day I made Tacos and they weren’t a disaster. 

    Other times, I take a break and talk to my mum about how life is doing me and how I can’t deal with it anymore.  Also, I like to play with the animals in my house. Feeding my pet goats and chickens keeps me sane. 

    Ayotunde*, 29

    I’ve tried morning and evening runs, and that worked for a bit but not anymore. I do change rooms and locations sometimes. I went to the office almost every day in April because working from home got too much. I don’t think that’s working anymore so I’m back to the trenches. 

    ALSO READ:  5 Nigerian Women Talk About Working From Home

    Tolani*, 26

    I try to sleep. I also try to switch up my work; I try not to edit continuously for too long. So I can write for an hour, edit for an hour, review for an hour, sort documents for an hour, etc. Sometimes I read non-work articles for inspiration and also just for entertainment. Other times I either daydream, journal or meditate.

    Ife*, 24

    I take a break and scroll through social media to find something funny to make me feel less bored. Either that or I take a nap and keep my phone close by, in case work comes looking for me. 

    ALSO READ: Working Remotely in Nigeria? – Here Are a Few Tips

  • The Ultimate Closet Checklist for the Modern African Corporate Queen

    If you don’t have these 13 staples in your closet, you’re not the modern corporate queen you think you are. Follow these tips, curated especially for our tropical weather, to perfect the minimalist smart-casual look.

    Low-heeled mules/sandals

    Say bye-bye to those plain stuffy court shoes with the ridiculous heels that hurt our ankles after a long day. These low-heeled, no-stress mules or sandals are in. And they come in as many styles and colours as you want.

    RELATED: Y2K Fashion Accessories That Are Still a Must-Have in 2022

    Classic ballet flats

    You probably remember these from secondary school. Only the cool girls whose parents actually put out wardrobe allowance for them owned these. Now, as a working-class gal, you can finally buy them for yourself. They are still as cool, classy, and most importantly, comfortable as ever.

    Neutral-coloured oversized dress shirt

    They are your regular office buttoned-down shirts but with a twist. Dress shirts are better tailored, made from finer fabric like silk, linen, or pure cotton, and have intricate details that set them apart from the regular. Get them slightly oversized and in natural tones — white, brown, faded blues and greens — and just like that, you’ve turned your plain old work outfit into a stylish number.

    White cami top

    A basic item that serves as a clean slate on which to build all your effortlessly elegant looks, this unbothered queen is a must-have. Wear it and then throw on that oversized dress shirt with a couple of buttons undone, or a simple sweater, blazer, light jacket… can you see what I’m saying?

    Tailored cigarette pants

    Cigarette pants are the sweet in-between where skinny pants and regular straight pants meet. In their expertly-tailored, just above the ankle-length form, they scream smart-casual like nothing else does.

    RELATED: 9 Lagos Fashion Trends That Need To Die

    Midi A-line skirt

    Once relegated to the teachers’ and headmistresses’ closets, the midi skirts have staged a protest. They’ve come back rebranded, and nothing says boujee like these new versions of the “Mary Amaka” skirts. You get extra marks if yours are asymmetrical or come with a nice side-slit.

    Black sheath dress

    This work-closet staple is an underrated versatile queen. It is simple and quiet, while it does the Lord’s work, sliming a working girl’s figure, emphasising her femininity and giving off “cultured” vibes. The sleeveless version can be paired with sleeved dress shirts to create a whole new outfit each time. Switch up your work shoes with a pair of going-out sandals, and you have a perfect dinner-date look. I said “versatile”, didn’t I?

    Print shift dress

    A shift dress in ankara, adire, kente, batik, or any other print fabric is the perfect item to add some colour (and spice) to this neutral-toned list. It is guaranteed to inject a fun vibe into your work life, even if you can only wear it on Fridays (tell HR we said office dress codes need to die a quick but painful death).

    Neutral-coloured summer pantsuit

    Pantsuits are generally hard to wear in this our climate, but sometimes, the occasion calls for a power suit and all your “boss lady” attitude. Summer pantsuits were invented particularly for hot weather, and you need to get some. They come in a lighter fabric and with less lining than the regular pantsuit. Some have shorter sleeves too.

    RELATED: These Nigerian Fashion Brands Have Happening Babes in a Chokehold

    Small chunky gold hoops

    No one knows who invented the golden hoops, but I’m sure it has African roots because they suit our ears and skin so well. They are a good standalone, but they go well with chunky single or double-layered chain-link necklaces too.

    Tarnish-proof gold and stone jewellery set

    The gold and clear stone necklace and earrings set is the perfect finishing touch to the polished minimalist work look we want to achieve. Just make sure you buy the set that won’t fade after some weeks.

    50+ SPF sunscreen moisturiser

    If you’re not applying sunscreen to your face every time you step out of your house, you’re wrong. Global warming is upon us, and not to get into the complicated science of it, the sun’s rays are not very safe for our skin. It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, dark-skinned or light, sunscreen is a must. And for the bountiful gift of sunlight we enjoy in Africa, you’ll need one that’s 50 SPF or higher. The best sunscreens keep our faces smooth and dewy. Don’t you want that?

    Moisturising lip balm

    We can’t talk style staples without throwing in basic skincare. Whether you’re a makeup person or not, you should always have a good organic lip balm in your closet and everyday bag. Let’s keep our lips supple and hydrated, shall we?

    READ ALSO: These Fashion Trends Have Now Come Full Circle and You Need to Update Your Wardrobe

  • Here’s What Happens When Your Work Bestie Quits

    If your work bestie has never quit, then you’re the luckiest person in the world, because this could be your life story. 

    1) Nobody to cover your tracks when you fuck up at the office.

    Of course you’ve fucked up. Who never fuck up? Hands in the air. The only problem is that now, when you fuck up, bestie isn’t around to lie for you and cover your tracks. 

    2) You end up buying your own lunch 

    Bestie used to buy or even cook you lunch. Who’d help you pick a food vendor or if you should buy amala or Ofada rice? Now, you have to do all of that by yourself? That’s very wrong, and the universe needs to fix the situation. 

    RELATED: 9 Clear Signs That Your Gen Z Coworker Likes You

    3) Work is definitely less fun

    What made work fun was having your bestie around. You lose the sparkle in your eye that came with going to the office and begin to feel like nothing but a slave to capitalism. 

    4) How will you judge all your coworkers without your bestie? 

    Who will you lock eyes with when someone in the office does something stupid? Who will you laugh about project failures with? Who will you gossip about other people’s salaries with? You’d be left with nobody but yourself. Be strong, this too shall pass. 

    5) You’re actually going to have to work 

    Before, you only went to the office to chat with your bestie and download with the company Wi-Fi. Now that they’re gone, you actually have to do the work they pay you for. That’s very ghetto. 

    RELATED: How to Date Your Coworker And Get Away With It

    6) You now have to work with the people you don’t like 

    You partnered with your bestie for all the work projects. Now, you’re stuck working with Linda, the coworker who probably wants to use your blood for ritual. 

    7) You’d probably have to resign too 

    When work isn’t working as it used to, you might have to type your resignation letter too. If you’re lucky, your bestie’s new workplace has an opening, and you can be reunited. 

    RELATED: 9 Reasons You Should Fight Your Coworker