Village | Zikoko!

There are more than 23 million people living in Lagos. So how best do you decongest? Extort, sorry tax people! In the space of four days, the Lagos State government has come up with barrage of taxes aimed at sending everyone back to their villages. Here’s the tea:
First, there is the new taxes on e-hailing companies. Techcabal has a full load down, but the long and short of it include the facts that:
1. There is a blanket N10 million operating fee for every 1,000 e-hailing taxis – Think Uber, Bolt, etc. There’s also an annual renewal fee of N5 million.
2. 10% of every transaction paid by every customer will also be collected as a service tax.
From August 20, Online car hailing business (Uber, Bolt etc) must pay Lagos state a fee of NGN 10 million for every 1,000 cars. Annual renewal fee is NGN 5 million.

10% of EVERY transaction paid by every passenger will be collected by Lagos state as service tax.

IT GETS WORSE!!
— Tola (@adetolaov) August 11, 2020

Of course, who bears the brunt of those taxes, you guessed right, you.

All I see Nigerian governments announce are tax increases. I'm yet to see any talk of spending cuts or trimming of the bloat that's in government or talk of doing more with less. They want to raise taxes to fund furniture allowance. That furniture will be firewood, just wait.
— Neto (@docneto) August 12, 2020

The State also announced that a 5% levy will be charged on all audio and visual contents produced and sold within the state. The Lagos State Film and Video Censors Board (LSFVCB) has given a one-month ultimatum to content creators, after which defaulters have been told they will severely sanctioned.

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

Make no mistake, taxes are civic duties that must be discharged. In fact, research shows that civic engagement increases in societies with higher tax remittances. But what is particularly curious with Nigerian governments is the urge to milk the populace dry once they are in financially cash-strapped.It’s 2020. There’s been a pandemic for the literally the entire year. How about we brainstorm on how the already financially handicapped citizens can get back on their feet, and then see how we impose taxes on a wealthy populace. And we had the exact same issue with the NIPOST fee.

But no, government get coconut head.
Doyin Olagunju

August 13, 2020

Citizen

Bolt, Lagos, Tax., Uber, Village
1. When your parents tell you that you’re travelling to the village.

Hay God! Why?
2. How your parents wake everybody up by 4am to start getting ready:

Hian! Are we washing the road?
3. When your mother packs the whole kitchen for trip that is just a few hours.

Mummy, calm down na.
4. When the person praying for journey mercies turns it into a church service.

Oga, can we move?
5. How your parents squeeze you and your siblings at the back:

The worst.
6. When you still have to share the backseat with load that didn’t enter the boot.

What is it? Are we moving?
7. When your mother immediately starts playing her gospel music.

Chai!
8. How your parents look at you if you try to play your own music.

“Are you a demon?”
9. Your father, if he has not seen banana and groundnut to buy.

It is by force.
10. When your parents finally put off the AC because of petrol.

Kuku kill me.
11. When your father refuses to stop for you to use the toilet because he stopped an hour ago.

Is it fair?
12. When one of your siblings farts in the car.

UGH!
13. When the phone battery you’ve been managing finally dies.

It’s all over.
14. You, when one of your siblings starts dozing off on your shoulder.

See this one.
15. When you and your siblings start fighting and your parents threaten to drop you on the road.

Ah! No oh!
16. How you come down from the car when you finally reach your destination:

FINALLY!

Daniel Orubo

July 21, 2016

Oldies

Africa, Family, growing up, Nigeria, road, travel, Village
1. When you tell someone where you’re from and they start speaking your language to you.

Ah! Calm down.
2. How Nigerians look at you when you say you can’t speak your language:

I’m sorry.
3. When you lie that you can speak it and someone asks you to.

Uhm. Actually…
4. When your relatives visit and your parents completely dump English.

Hay God! I’m missing family gist.
5. When you hear some words that you understand and try to connect the dots.

I must do this amebo.
6. When a relative that knows you don’t understand keeps speaking it to you.

What’s the point?
7. When your parents only ever spoke English to you and then all of a sudden say “speak your language!”

How though?
8. When you hear your name mentioned in a conversation happening in your native language.

Hay God!
9. When one of your relatives offers to teach you.

I no do.
10. When they start comparing you to your cousin that is fluent.

What’s my own?
11. When you go to the village and someone comments on how you “still don’t understand it.”

See me see trouble.
12. When you have to visit relatives that can only speak the language.

Oh God!
13. You, attempting to speak it = 80% English + 20% Words you can remember.

I’m trying na.

Daniel Orubo

April 13, 2016

Oldies

Africa, Fluent, hausa, Igbo, Language, Native, Nigeria, Relatives, Speak, Village, yoruba
Unless you are living under a rock, you’ll already know that DJ Khaled is the king of the photo/video sharing platform, Snapchat. And if you’re not following him (djkhaled305), you’re seriously missing out. We even wrote a list on his social media greatness! But then we realised…there is something oddly similar to that senior brother in your village and this record-breaking producer:
1. He wears these every single time

2. He likes food too much and only enters the kitchen to ask when it’s ready

https://www.instagram.com/p/_IgUadgogT/

https://www.instagram.com/p/_F-4SDAonB/?taken-by=djkhaledsnapchat

3. He’s obsessed with his enemies from the village who don’t want him to enjoy life

https://www.instagram.com/p/_OAhZQgojo/?taken-by=djkhaledsnapchat

https://www.instagram.com/p/_TW9LFAomM/?taken-by=djkhaledsnapchat

4. He believes in ‘creaming’ his body

https://twitter.com/KyleEdwards/status/670797647620521984?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://www.instagram.com/p/_Au9ogAogJ/?taken-by=djkhaledsnapchat

5. And ‘rubbing’ Dove deodorant

https://twitter.com/DJKhaledKnows/status/676171722693869570

6. He doesn’t like the police

https://www.instagram.com/p/_PrrTpru5u/?taken-by=djkhaled

7. He’s very religious

https://twitter.com/ghalyaaaaa_/status/666057537540648960/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://www.instagram.com/p/-wpAKGgotC/?taken-by=djkhaledsnapchat

8. But can party for any (or no occassion)

https://www.instagram.com/p/-5uFs5goj6/?taken-by=djkhaledsnapchat

https://www.instagram.com/p/_Ao2sHLuwc/?taken-by=djkhaled

9. He has the keys to success but they make no sense…And they only work for him

https://twitter.com/DJKhaledSnaps/status/672813028782514176

https://twitter.com/DJKhaledSnaps/status/671478328038203392?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Get to know more about DJ Khaled and the keys to success below:

Damilola

December 17, 2015

Oldies

DJ Khaled, Nigerians, snapchat, Village
1. When you hear “we are going to the village for Christmas.”

I wanted to go to the abroad.
2. When your parents say you’ll only be going for a few days, but you see them packing load.

Wait! What is happening?
3. When you think you’ve already met everyone and you hear “come out and greet…”

Hay God!
4. When the uncle you were expecting to drop something starts asking your dad for money.

Wow. I’m pained.
5. Looking for network in the village like:

What is all this?
6. When that relative everyone thinks is a witch gives you food to eat.

Not today, satan.
7. When an old person you don’t know tries to touch you.

You will not steal my destiny, abeg.
8. When you see your favorite cousin.

FINALLY!
9. “Ah! Look at you. You’re so big now.”

Let me hear word.
10. When you complain about light and they tell you to go and enjoy breeze outside.

Na wa.
11. When your parents see you collecting anything form anybody.

Sorry ma.
12. You, every time you hear “food is ready.”

The best.
13. You, if you’re the one that has to be stuck in the kitchen.

The worst.
14. When that rich relative finally arrives.

Here we go.
15. You, after all the buckets of water you had to fetch.

The gym struggle.

Daniel Orubo

December 17, 2015

Oldies

christmas, Holiday, Igbo, Nigeria, Village

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

1. When your parents tell you that you’re travelling to the village.

2. How your parents wake everybody up by 4am to start getting ready:

3. When your mother packs the whole kitchen for trip that is just a few hours.

4. When the person praying for journey mercies turns it into a church service.

5. How your parents squeeze you and your siblings at the back:

6. When you still have to share the backseat with load that didn’t enter the boot.

7. When your mother immediately starts playing her gospel music.

8. How your parents look at you if you try to play your own music.

9. Your father, if he has not seen banana and groundnut to buy.

10. When your parents finally put off the AC because of petrol.

11. When your father refuses to stop for you to use the toilet because he stopped an hour ago.

12. When one of your siblings farts in the car.

13. When the phone battery you’ve been managing finally dies.

14. You, when one of your siblings starts dozing off on your shoulder.

15. When you and your siblings start fighting and your parents threaten to drop you on the road.

16. How you come down from the car when you finally reach your destination:

1. When you tell someone where you’re from and they start speaking your language to you.

2. How Nigerians look at you when you say you can’t speak your language:

3. When you lie that you can speak it and someone asks you to.

4. When your relatives visit and your parents completely dump English.

5. When you hear some words that you understand and try to connect the dots.

6. When a relative that knows you don’t understand keeps speaking it to you.

7. When your parents only ever spoke English to you and then all of a sudden say “speak your language!”

8. When you hear your name mentioned in a conversation happening in your native language.

9. When one of your relatives offers to teach you.

10. When they start comparing you to your cousin that is fluent.

11. When you go to the village and someone comments on how you “still don’t understand it.”

12. When you have to visit relatives that can only speak the language.

13. You, attempting to speak it = 80% English + 20% Words you can remember.

1. He wears these every single time

2. He likes food too much and only enters the kitchen to ask when it’s ready

3. He’s obsessed with his enemies from the village who don’t want him to enjoy life

4. He believes in ‘creaming’ his body

5. And ‘rubbing’ Dove deodorant

6. He doesn’t like the police

7. He’s very religious

8. But can party for any (or no occassion)

9. He has the keys to success but they make no sense…And they only work for him

Get to know more about DJ Khaled and the keys to success below:

1. When you hear “we are going to the village for Christmas.”

2. When your parents say you’ll only be going for a few days, but you see them packing load.

3. When you think you’ve already met everyone and you hear “come out and greet…”

4. When the uncle you were expecting to drop something starts asking your dad for money.

5. Looking for network in the village like:

6. When that relative everyone thinks is a witch gives you food to eat.

7. When an old person you don’t know tries to touch you.

8. When you see your favorite cousin.

9. “Ah! Look at you. You’re so big now.”

10. When you complain about light and they tell you to go and enjoy breeze outside.

11. When your parents see you collecting anything form anybody.

12. You, every time you hear “food is ready.”

13. You, if you’re the one that has to be stuck in the kitchen.

14. When that rich relative finally arrives.

15. You, after all the buckets of water you had to fetch.