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  • 8 Things to Prepare for if You’re Travelling for Detty December

    So you’re planning to travel back home or to Lagos for Detty December in this sapa-demic? Wow, very brave. Since we can’t stop you from making this choice, the least we can do is mentally prepare you for all the wahala you’ll go through on your December trip. 

    Good luck. 

    Flight tickets are more expensive than two Asake tickets 

    Someone needs to explain why everything is expensive in December. Are we the ones who gave birth to Jesus? 

    If you thought flight and bus tickets were expensive during the year, get ready to meet holiday ticket prices because your account will cry hot tears. And that’s not the end. Regular bikes and taxis will also start calling crazy figures, as if they’ve been waiting for you to help them complete the house they’re building in the village.

    Traffic everywhere 

    The amount of traffic you’ll jam this holiday season (especially if you go to Lagos) will make you wish you’d just sat in one place. There’ll be traffic on your way to the airport or bus park, traffic on your way out of there, traffic heading to where you’ll stay, traffic at your estate gate, traffic in your home and traffic in your life. As a matter of fact, half of your life will be spent in traffic. 

    Like Davido said, “E choke!” 

    Airport people will ask you to “Do Christmas” for them

    This is one of the most annoying things you’ll experience at the airport. If you breathe to the right, billing. If you breathe to the left, billing. By the time you finish dropping small ₦‎500 here and there, all your money will finish, and you’ll end up trekking from the airport to your house. 

    You need to hold ransom money 

    To avoid stories that touch, kindly travel with your ransom money, so in case you get kidnapped, they won’t have to stress about calling your relatives. What if your family uses Glo, and the call doesn’t go through? Or they use GTB, and their bank app doesn’t load on time? Help the kidnappers to help you, please. 

    RECOMMENDED: How to Eat Like a Food Blogger on a ₦30k Budget This Detty December

    Scarcity of buses

    Quick question to bus drivers: where do all your buses go during the holidays? Because they’re always plenty during the year, but as soon as it’s Christmas, you have only four buses (so you increase the price). We know what you people are doing. 

    Delayed flights 

    If your flight is by 5 p.m., get ready to leave that airport by 9 p.m. at least. But that’s only if you get to the airport early. Because if you get to the airport by 4:30 p.m., there’s a high chance you’ll miss your 5 p.m. flight. I don’t know how they do it, but they’d delay flights if you’re early or on time but disappear if you’re a minute late. I honestly think it’s jazz. 

    Family members will ask about your weight and marriage date 

    If questions about your weight or marital status don’t pop up when your family picks you up from the airport or bus park, know they’re saving it for when you get home. The moment you enter your front door (and throughout the holiday), you’ll start dealing with “Ahn ahn, what are you eating?” and “This your cousin is getting married next year. Shey we should still be praying for your own?” 

    You that hasn’t been on a date in two years? Pele, dear. 

    Everyone in Lagos will be busy or angry at something 

    This is for people going to Lagos. 

    As soon as you enter, you’ll feel the need to start rushing even if you have nothing to do. Don’t worry. It’s not a spiritual attack; it’s the Lagos spirit. Everyone here moves like they’re in a life-or-death situation. When you think about it, living in Lagos is an extreme life-or-death sport. 

    ALSO READ: It’s Not Detty December if You Don’t Do These Things

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

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  • The Only Correct Way to Drive Your Car in Lagos State

    Driving in Lagos state is not the same as driving anywhere else in the world m. Here’s what you need to know if you want to learn how to drive correctly in Lagos. 

    1) Have a spare car in your compound

    Driving in Lagos means you should have a spare car in your house. Because if , the real owners of the car decide to help you bash it, will you now be left with nothing? If you want to drive and you don’t have a spare car, better enter a cab.

    2) Drop your sanity at home 

    Lagos roads are not a place for people with sound minds. They’re for people who have nothing to lose. When you decide to drive on a Lagos road, you need to embody the spirit of someone who can do anyhow at any time. Scary stuff, but it needs to be done. 

    3) Always have enough food stuff  in your car

    With traffic that often lasts longer than the will to live, you should always make sure that you have enough to cook. As a passenger, you can sleep and pretend to not be hungry. However, if you’re driving, you need all the energy. You fit make sharp-sharp amala. 

    RELATED: Interview With Lagos & Traffic: What God Has Joined Together

    4) Remember that you’re never wrong 

    In Lagos, everyone that drives is right. Even if they’re passing one-way or bashing your car, they’re right. You too need to embody the spirit of always being right. 

    5) LASTMA is your biggest opp 

    As you drive, have it at the back of your mind. LASTMA officers are out for blood, so don’t give them any. Complete papers, fire extinguisher, and whatever else they need. If not, the billing that’ll occur will wreck you. 

    RELATED: 13 Times LASTMA Did Oversabi

    6) Pedestrians are a suggestion 

    To drive in Lagos state, you don’t rate pedestrians. The road was not built with them in mind, so why will you drive with them in mind? 

    7) Refresh your insults vocabulary

    Every morning before you enter the road, refresh the insults in your vocabulary. Driving in Lagos means you have to be constantly innovating with your insultive creativity. 

    RELATED: 11 Annoying Nigerian Insults Kids Used to Say 

    8) Have your therapist on speed dial 

    Driving in Lagos will traumatise you, so you should have the person that’ll un-traumatise you. If you didn’t have a therapist before, better go and book one before you hit the road. 

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 8 Ways to Beat the Traffic During the Holidays

    It’s the holiday season again. While we all love spending time with loved ones and not having to work or attend classes, there’s something we can all as a society agree we hate about the holidays. Traffic. Traffic is always horrible this season, and with traffic comes increased cab prices. Our tired is tired. That’s why we’re here with some concrete tips to help you beat the traffic this holiday season.

    1) Stay in your house

    There’s no traffic if you stay in your house. Why are you going out all the time anyways? Is Christmas your own birthday? Why not take time to sit and reflect on the reason for the season. Traffic can’t stress you in you stay in your house.

    2) Reindeer

    If someone can fly a reindeer and visit all the houses on Christmas night, don’t you think it’s worth investing in? Flying reindeer is a sure way for you to beat traffic this holiday season.

    3) Teleportation

    Look at your mirror, tap your chest three times, shout Zikoko and you’d find yourself at whatever location you desire. Please note that if the teleportation doesn’t work for you, then it’s not Zikoko’s fault. You’re just bad vibes.

    4) Flying broom

    If reindeer is too hard for you to find, why not try a flying broom? Just place a call to a witch near you and ask for them to share their secrets. Haven’t you noticed that witches never complain about traffic?

    5) Climb your Christmas chicken

    Have you seen the speed at which chickens run and dash? Well, a simple way to beat traffic this holidays is to mount your Christmas chicken and let it carry you to your destination. Since they’re small animals, they can pass tight corners.

    6) Take to the skies

    Traffic is limited to the roads, so why not try flying? It doesn’t matter if you have wings or not. Work with faith.

    7) Kidnap Santa Claus

    When you kidnap him, tell him that his condition for release is to grant you one wish, and that’s a Christmas free holidays.

    8) Nigerian coat of arms horse

    The Nigerian horses on the coat of arms once complained that they need a new job to do. Why not borrow them this Christmas season. At least when you go to the beach and they want to charge you for a horse ride, you’d say you came with your own.

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 9 Memes You’ll Relate To If You Absolutely Hate Traffic

    Not everyone hates traffic. Sometimes, people use traffic as an opportunity to listen to their favourite podcast or catch up on missed calls. Some others though can die at the thought of spending two extra minutes on the road because of a small traffic jam. If you absolutely hate traffic, you’ll be able to relate to this one.

    1. When you check for traffic updates on Google Maps

    What do you mean “One hour congestion and I’m still on the fastest route”?

    2. But you realise you have to go out eitherway

    “Can’t I just stay at home? Why do I ever have to leave my house?”

    3. When you see the traffic from way ahead

    You’ll look up ahead and see cars lined up as far as your eyes can see. At that point, you just want to turn back and go home. You were not built for this.

    4. And you finally enter it

    We will sleep here today.

    5. When you see someone trying to chance your car

    Please let’s not be unfortunate. This is where you can say “Dey your lane”, and actually mean that exactly. But people are stubborn.

    6. And then they brush your car

    They will try to enter, but because you can’t allow them, they’ll hit you. And then fight will start.

    7. This is you telling them they will pay

    “YOU WILL REPLACE MY BUMPER!!!”

    8. But you just decide to forgive them and move on

    It almost always ends in you forgiving them and just bearing the cost after all the shouting.

    9. When you finally see what’s causing the traffic

    If you live in Lagos, it’s probably just one car parked on the road for no apparent reason. Sometimes, finding out what caused the traffic would make you even much angrier. Just move and don’t think about it too much.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    David Odunlami

  • Quiz: What Lagos Traffic Are You?

    You have become a traffic, but you don’t know it. Take this quiz to prove us right.

    Doyin Olagunju

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  • QUIZ: Get 7/11 To Justify All The Time You Spend In Traffic

    With traffic comes persistent hawkers, selling everything from cold drinks to rat traps. So, if you’ve spent a lot of time stuck in traffic, as most Nigerians have, then this is the quiz for you.

    Go ahead:

    NerdEfiko

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  • 8 Things You Can Say In Lagos Traffic And During Sex

    Let it be known that I’m not proud of myself for thinking of this. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here are few bedroom slangs we can all borrow from Lagos traffic:

    1) “Do you know who I am?”

    This is best used when your bedroom skills are in doubt. It’s sweeter when you can back it up with stats. Alternatively, you can scream this one second before you orgasm.

    2) “What’s causing the delay?”

    Use this one on a case by case basis.

    3) “Please, I’m lost. I can’t find where I’m going.”

    Men, this one is for you. A closed mouth is a closed destiny.

    4) “I will show you madness today.”

    If kinky is your hobby, this one is for you.

    5) “Hit me first and you’ll see.”

    If kinky is not your hobby, this one is for you.

    6) “We will sleep here today.”

    Duh.

    7) “Sanwo-olu!”

    As a Lagosian living in Lagos, you have the right to shout this across a range of scenarios.

    8) “Bottled water-Lacasera-Gala.”

    Save this one for dirty talk.

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • Powering Through Lagos Traffic This Christmas

    In Lagos, two things are certain every Christmas: detty concerts and bumper to bumper traffic, upped by a bajillion notches. It’s the absolute worst really, and no higher power can save you from it – well, except you’re from Edo. So how then, do you kill time while sitting through the madness? Here are a few suggestions:

    1. Make that phone call you’ve been putting off

    You swore you’d call your mom back two days ago but you didn’t. It would be a good time to check up on her. However, make sure you’re not caught by road safety.

    2. Download movies to watch

    You never know who has their WiFi Hotspot on while you’re stuck in hellish traffic… So you just might get lucky.

    Feel free to download that Christmas movie that has been sitting idly on your Netflix watch list. Be like this guy 🙂

    https://www.instagram.com/p/B5sITLblJG2/

    3. Scroll through your Twitter/Instagram feed

    In this digital world, you have to be up-to-speed on the juiciest news so you’re not caught sleeping on a bicycle. You know, It’s never a bad time to see if another celebrity has committed an atrocious offence, or see what your crush is up to. Heck, you can even tweet your annoyance at the IJGBs who have come to make Lagos even more inconvenient than it already is.

    4. Learn your fave artiste’s song lyrics

    This detty December, you don’t want to be caught on camera messing up the song lyrics of your fave artiste (who you claim to stan). Take it from me, it never looks cute, ok?

    Haneefa Mohammad

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  • 5 Areas In Lagos With The Most Traffic

    *cue ominous music*

    It’s been said that traffic in Lagos is an evil entity (not unlike the Nothingness from The Never Ending Story) that has enveloped the entire state and won’t let go until it has sucked the youth and happiness out of every single one of the state’s inhabitants.

    *record scratch*

    We’re the ones that said this. That doesn’t mean it’s not true, though.

    Yes, there is seemingly traffic everywhere you look in Lagos. But there are some areas that, due to bad roads or other factors, have it worse than others. These are five of those areas, so you know where to avoid.

    1) Apapa Road

    An explanation for why the traffic on this road is so terrible is that it’s the only major road linking to Apapa. The traffic gets to biblical proportions whenever the tanker drivers abandon their designated parking lot and decide to park on the bridge. Throw rain in the mix and the road becomes a suitable arena for a titan mud wrestling match.

    2) Oshodi

    See ehn, Apapa Oworonshoki express road has always been one kind. The only you could comfortably pass that road before was from midnight, but this is isn’t even the case anymore because of that wildly unnecessary bus station the government has been building there for over two years.

    3) Third Mainland Bridge

    The insane thing here is that people get up as early as 4 AM to beat the traffic on this bridge (mostly made up of people who live on the mainland and work on the Island) but still end up stuck on the bridge for no less than an hour every day. Returning at the close of business (4 PM, 5 PM, 6 PM) isn’t any better.

    4) Ikorodu Road

    The fact that it’s the only road linking central Lagos to Ikorodu (an area on the outskirts of Lagos with relatively cheap housing) means that tons of vehicles ply that road every day, leading to a seemingly neverending traffic jam.

    5) Ojuelegba

    Ojuelegba is a mess. There are commercial buses and motorcycles parked everywhere, leaving very little space for private cars and even humans to move. It’s no wonder Wizkid got out.

    Look, Lagos traffic might be actively trying to kill you like you’re in your own Final Destination sequel; but unlike the people in those movies, you don’t have to let it win. Live the stress-free baby boy/girl life you’ve always wanted by using Gokada, the bike-hailing service, to avoid traffic.

    Astor George

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  • Lagos Traffic is About to Get Crazier!

    If you live in Lagos then congested road traffic is no surprise to you. But, it’s about to get worse!

    Sanwo-Olu, who has been ghosting Lagosians since he resumed office as governor, has finally come out from being AWOL to tell us that the repairs on Lagos roads won’t commence until the rains are over.

    Meanwhile, train operations on the Lagos-Ibadan railway road have been suspended until December. Yes, most people really don’t care about that because; who uses the trains in Lagos? Well, surprisingly, some people do. No, I’m not lying, see…

    Yes, that’s real. I was also shocked speechless the first time I saw people sitting on a train! Although, considering the fact that even a keke napep moves faster than these trains in Lagos, I can understand how that is possible.

    Anyway, word on the streets is that the ousted train passengers, especially those who sit on it-totally ignoring the fine for that-are now seeking alternative means of transportation, hence they are flooding the streets like ants.

    You are wont to see more of a sea of faces during traffic hour.

    Gabriella Opara

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  • 5 Nigerians Share Their Most Memorable Experiences With LASTMA.

    Who lives in an open truck on Lagos’ streets? L-A-S-T-M-A.

    Forget Freddy Kruger, these are the real nightmares on Toyin Street. Garbed in purple and yellow, no car is too rickety and no stop sign is too poorly advertised to prevent these guys from ruining at least ten minutes of your day.

    Chances are, you’ve encountered some of Lagos’s finest Traffic Management agents if you’ve ever had reason to ply Lagos’ roads. Their preferences are completely ignoring real hazards on the road, like reckless tanker drivers and untethered trailers, for a chance to inform you of how your the non-existent red light you ran qualifies you for a psych eval or how your recently expired license is a sure sign of impending doom for the other hapless motorists on the roads of Lagos.

    Yeah, just about everyone has a story or seven to tell about their encounters with LASTMA. Take these guys and their experiences for instance:

    Fu’ad’s Law.

    For me, the summation of my dealings with the agency can be summarised into simple a simple equation: “The absence of a traffic sign is equal to the presence of LASTMA.”

    Case in point, I was driving my friends car around Mile 12 one day, doing the mental math of how many years it would take for me to afford the front half of a car, when literally a swarm of people LASTMA officials began trying their hardest to gain entry into the car. From their excitement, I could glean that there was some sign prohibiting a U-turn I must have missed.

    But, unless this sign was underground, or hung up on a tree somewhere, I was certain I hadn’t missed anything. Anyway, after 15 minutes of back and forth on whether or not there was indeed a sign, if I was maybe blind and if the officials were indeed liars, the good agents decided to let me off easy, but only if I paid 10 000 for all their effort. So, that’s the story of how I spent 6k I didn’t have on an imaginary sign.

    Uncle Segun “No nonsense”.

    I’ve had one-thousand and one run-ins with LASTMA, but my favourite one was the time they stopped my uncle and I while driving around Eko Bidge. Now, I don’t know if it was something in the air, but my uncle just wasn’t having it that day. When the officials gathered our car and demanded we drive to their office, my uncle pleaded with them not to enter the car or risk never coming out. I knew we were in for it when the most aggressive of the bunch worked his way into the car and my uncle immediately activated the central lock. Officer Latunji, my insincere apologies again for taking you on a joy ride across Lagos, hope it wasn’t too hard finding your way back from Sangotedo?

    The Getting of Ginikachi.

    I was in my way to see some random movie around Ikeja City Mall, where there’s this turning with a really easy to miss stop sign. While I was driving, congratulating my friend on how early we made it to see our movie, a LASTMA official popped out of no where to stand infront of my car. No literally, they may have transported there. Next thing, five officials surrounded my car, telling me how I was going to pay a fine of 50 000 and undergo a psych evaluation for endangering so many lives with my driving.

    Mind you, they had an office just a walking distance from where we were. From 50 I was able to beat it down to 15 000. Unfortunately for me, I had no cash and as this happened before mobile transfers became popular, I had to visit two ATMs on different ends of the road before they got their money. I still do a low waka whenever I pass a LASTMA official.

    Toketemu’s student woes

    If you attended UNILAG, then you already know that that turning close to the car wash is LASTMA Central. This one time I was in the car with my friend and we were making the bend. We were stopped for about ten minutes, during which time they scrutinised every single paper, every window, every footmat looking to find something incriminating. Luckily we were fully clean, still remember the day with disappointment however.

    Nora’s Moment

    You know that picture of a LASTMA guy spread across a car?

    Wellll, swap that SUV for a Honda Civic and I could have been me the viral sensation.

    I was coming back from work one evening and I wasn’t in the mood for anybody’s shit. This was around Fatai Atere leading to Ilupeju when one LASTMA official tried to stop me. At that  moment, I don’t even know what came over me, I knew I hadn’t missed any signs, there were no traffic lights so I did the universal what’s wrong hand gesture. When my guy still insisted I park, I didn’t waste time, hit the accelerator and brushed the man still insisting. Nobody got time for that.

    What has been your most memorable encounter with LASTMA?

    Boyin Plumptre

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  • The women trying to balance one hand on the wheel, while the other completes that left eye brow they couldn’t finish at home.

    We stan a woman that likes to live dangerously on the edge.

    Those people that can’t believe they have to go in to work that day and the rest of the week, and the rest of the year.

    They’ve already started countdown to retirement in their heads.

    The staff bus filled with people that came with wrapper and pillow, prepared to carry over last night’s sleep.

    Check it first, nobody is ever awake, sometimes even the driver.

    The big oga just chilling at the back of his 2018 Prado, not stressing over the mad people trying to turn 2 lanes into 5.

    These are actually the people to envy in that traffic.

    The 8 people that squeezed inside a Picanto because they can’t come and kill themselves inside Danfo when a colleague can drop them live at work.

    See, this life na once. Carpool while you can.

    Those people you’ll always catch singing and dancing behind the wheel, even in Monday traffic.

    Please come and tell us where you get the energy.

    Those mad people that are always blasting sirens at 7 in the morning, as if they’re the only ones with places to be.

    Your time isn’t more important than mine, please dear.

    There’s always that one guy that didn’t get enough sleep at home and tries to complete it behind the wheel.

    Please, if you’re one of them, stop that rough play.

    Our national heroes, the ones that make sure we get breakfast in the mornings- we celebrate you.

    When are we going to get Gala sellers on the naira note?

    Boyin Plumptre

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  • Maybe it’s glasses or special gloves. But the thing that will let me know if ponmo is soft before it enters my plate, I need it. Fast!

    Iya Moria has punished me too many times.

    Anything that can make me jump traffic like this in Nigeria, please make it happen.

    Let me just turn to transformer when third-mainland starts nonsense.

    Maybe it’s spirit we’ll employ last-last. But Nigerians need something that’ll shout “don’t pick this call, it’s money they want to ask for” when people want to turn you to GTB ATM.

    But really, won’t this be mad?

    Imagine if our cars had automatic koboko for when Danfo drivers start misbehaving. No stress, you’ll be in the car and it’ll be doing its thing

    Or something that can just rake keke-marwas, when they think they can be dragging road unnecessarily.

    I’m tired at this point. If it’s special face-cap we can be wearing for our generators so they won’t be so noisy, somebody make it please!

    As money for Mikano isn’t set.

    You know what every Nigerian needs? Their own siren! Once those politicians start making noise like this, we turn it to choir meeting.

    If soldier catches you, don’t bring them to Zikoko office oh!

    Since mosquitoes have turned Baygon to body spray, if we could just get like automatic slappers to catch them, it won’t be bad.

    If you’re feeling this say “yeah-yeah”

    I don’t know how Whatsapp wants to do it, but something that can be replying my mommy automatically: “wow that’s true”,when she starts with her BCs. Quick, please.

    It has reached SOS at this point!

    Who can fund this? Portable lie-detector for when our mechanics want to start moving mad?

    Once they start saying: “aunty na engine problem”, it will just shout: “stop lying, it’s only spark -plug”

    Do you know how mad it will be if our cars could wear invisibility cloaks when LASTMA starts their nonsense?

    “your license and particu… blood of Jesus”

    Speaking of things Nigerians really need. Make sure you subscribe to our #GameofVotes newsletter today. We’ll be counting down all the most important things that happen in politics leading up to the elections.

    Follow the link here. Let us know what you think!

    Boyin Plumptre

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  • Lagos has been rated the third most stressful city in the entire world.

    So if you live in Lagos and can still take out time to read this, you deserve a lot of accolades.

    Lagos has pushed a lot of us to the edge at one point or another. We might have adapted or in the process of adaptation.

    Whichever it is, here are some ways to know you have really had enough of this city.

    If you’ve ever been stuck in traffic that was literally on hold for hours, you would understand that patience is very important to maintain your sanity sometimes.

    See, there’s levels to traffic in Lagos.

    While you’re stuck in traffic, you turn on the radio just to hear some “wanna gonna”, while you strain your ears to catch up.

    Accents are the only things distributed free of charge in this city.

    But eating fantastic food at a low cost is an extreme sport in Lagos.

    In summary, overpriced food is a trademark

    If you happen to live on the island, rain is probably not your best friend. When it rains, it pours, and floods.

    Even you will be flooded. This is when Lagos island turns into an actual island

    Let’s focus on rent for a minute, from finding the house, to affording the bills, all I have to say is..

    ..In this Lagos if you want to enjoy, you just have to blow o

    And then if you don’t own a car, transportation is an extreme sport in Lagos. I want to talk about the cost but I also want to talk about the stress of even getting buses itself.

    Let’s just thank God we are alive

    If you have not had an encounter or know someone that has had an encounter or heard stories about Sarz officials, do you even leave in Lagos?

    If you see them, Just run.

    We always wonder why there are so many people in Lagos or why so many plan to move here? Like why is Lagos so overpopulated?

    But the real question is, why are you in Lagos? Just take a moment and ask yourself why you choose to continue suffering?

    Eniola

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  • If you live in Lagos or have paid even just a visit, you should know Lagos traffic well.

    You just have to eat to distract yourself from the fact that you’re about to die in traffic. Here are some of the things Nigerians have come to recognise as traffic food.

    Gala and La Casera

    This is a timeless classic. For as long as I can remember, this has been the go-to. Delicious, filling and sooo refreshing especially when the LaCasera is cold, you can’t go wrong with this one.

    Puff-Puff/Egg roll and Coke

    You smell before you even see these. Some sweet angels display these delicious pastries in show-glasses. Even if you weren’t hungry before, you just might start starving. Wash it down with some chilled Coke and feel alright.

    Pure Bliss and Hollandia Yoghurt

    This is just pure milky goodness. A drug.

    Plantain Chips and Fanta/Coke

    Sweet and spicy, salty or plain, I really don’t see how you can go wrong with plantain chips. When you see this guy, just wind your window down and start shouting. This goes with pretty much any drink, to be honest.

    Cashew/groundnuts/walnuts and Fanta

    And if you’re not famished but only feeling a little peckish, these delicious and nutritious nuts have come to save you! Look around for your favourite drink, and you’re good to go… or not. There’s probably still traffic.

    Boli and Groundnuts with Lucozade Boost

    Plantain again! See, not all heroes wear capes. This is a delicious hero. Hot, fresh and filling, your mood will just elevate. Make sure you buy enough o! Just add Lucozade to boost your morale.

    Corn and coconut with water

    Boli and groundnuts’ brother that couldn’t attain the same greatness, corn and coconut can’t even be slept on. Boiled or roasted, this is always a good (healthy too) choice. Drink cold water, and you will just relax.

    Popcorn and Fanta

    Lagos traffic is always a movie, so trust me, the popcorn is going to come in handy. Just wash it down with Fanta to calm your navs.

    Fruit and water

    And for my fitfam, you can buy all sorts of fruit in traffic. From pineapples and pawpaws to apples and bananas, Lagos traffic has got it all trust me.

    Sade

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  • It’s a very sad time on the streets of Nigeria. The roads are silent because the people are quiet.

    There is increased tension in the air.

    On the 28th of June 2018, in Berger, Lagos, a moving petrol tanker caught fire.

    This was due to a brake failure.

    The fire outbreak not only affected the tanker.

    A large number of cars went down with the tanker.

    While some people tried to call for help or jump out as soon as they could.

    A lot of lives were lost.

    This incident happening just a few days after the Ojuelegba tragedy and the loss of lives in Plateau makes the entire country wonder.

    As it can not be asked enough

    The Lagos state Government responded to this issue as soon as they could.

    But they weren’t fast enough

    Situations like this make us question our government even more. Do they really know what the country needs or what’s best for us?

    In states like Pennsylvania, these things exist. Why are the vital things not top priority?

    An emergency unit should be close to every terminal in a city.

    To avoid worst case scenario’s like this.

    The whole of Lagos was halted as everywhere was traffic jammed. A lot of us took this opportunity to say a prayer or two for those who passed away.

    We hope their hearts light up the Heavens.

    And to the families and friends of those affected, our hearts are with you.

    We hope you find peace that surpasses everything.

    And while we pray, we need to work together to improve our standard of living, and remember to do a very important thing.

    Which starts with getting your PVC or finding out how to get it here. https://getyourpvc.com

    Please note.

    Eniola

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  • All The Things We Do To Pass The Time In Traffic

    1. Listen to your colleagues that begged you for a ride complain about the AC and your music.

    2. Binge on all the delicacies available in traffic.

    3. Observe all the couples fighting in their own cars.

    4. Ignore all the phone calls from your significant other because you don’t have power for fight.

    5. Check instagram to see whether all your frenemies have liked your latest post.

    6. Insult all the bus conductors and other drivers in Lagos.

    7. Catch up on gossip with your best friend.

    8. Check whats going on in your all group chats.

    9. Have a praise and worship session in the car.

    Jola Ayeye

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  • 8 Types of People You Will Meet In Lagos Traffic.

    1. Oga ‘Need for Speed’.

    Thinks everything is a race. Oga cahm dahn, it’s just Ikorodu road.

    2. The ‘Tortoise’.

    Pray you don’t get trapped behind them in traffic. They can spend 3 hours on Ikorodu road.

    3. The ‘Convoy King’.

    Everyone must know when he’s in town. Oga, we hail o… na only you get road.

    4. The ‘Road Rager’.

    Aunty sorry, I just wanted to cut in front of you. No need to call my grandfather a bastard na.

    5. The ‘Snapchat/Texter’.

    Will take 5 selfies while speeding. AUNTY LOOK ROAD!… You wan kee person?!

    6. The ‘Learner’.

    Dont go near them, if they jam you no one will be on your side. Because “na learner”.

    7. The ‘DJ’

    Plays loud music with his windows down.  Once he’s jamming Wizkid, we’re all jamming Wizkid.

    8. The ‘Rich Kid’.

    BENZINO BABA… G-wagzzz… CBN!! We respect your government.

    Osaretin Tunde-Oni

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  • If You’re About That Danfo Life, This Post Is For You

    1. When you’re with N1000 and you hear the conductor shouting at someone else for giving him N500.

    Yawa don gas today!

    2. When the quiet person beside you suddenly shouts “Praiseeeee daaa Looorddd!!!”

    This is too much headache!

    3. How everyone looks at you when you pass your bus stop.

    ”Sister, you been dey sleep before?”

    4. When you’re already late for work and the bus decides to break down.

    I am finished!

    5. When you’re sitting beside the conductor and his armpit is in your face.

    That stinks bruuuhhhh!

    6. Some small boys in danfo be like: “Sistah, can I know you beta?’

    You think we are mates abi? I don’t blame you!

    7. When you forget to collect your N900 change from the conductor.

    Kuku kill me!

    8. When the driver is bent on driving everyone straight to hell.

    Please sir, this is not Fast and Furious o!

    9. That rare moment when the conductor forgets to collect his money.

    Everyday for the thief, one day for the owner!

    10. When the bus starts making funny sounds on 3rd Mainland Bridge, and the conductor says nothing is wrong with it.

    Oga, everything is wrong with it !

    11. When one woman says you should lap her babies because “They’re your sisters.”

    No ma, I know my own sisters well!

    12. When the conductor says the fare has increased to N150, but you have exactly N100.

    But it was N100 yesterday now!

    13. You, when the driver says you should use the seat belt.

    I can’t even deal!

    14. When you remember you have to to go through the same mess tomorrow, because you’re still ‘carless’.

    Choi! Baba God, do it for your girl! Featured Image Credit: Bayo Omoboriowo

    Shola

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  • If You’ve Ever Been Stuck In Lagos-Ibadan Expressway Traffic, This Post Is For You

    1. You wanted to sharply leave Lagos so you took this wonderful expressway.

    The greatest expressway in Nigeria.

    2. Then you hear MFM, RCCG, Deeper Life and NASFAT are holding programs in one night.

    It has ended.

    3. When it’s midnight and you haven’t even reached Mowe.

    Hay God!

    4. You asking God to part the traffic for you just like Moses parted the Red Sea.

    Father be a miracle provider.

    5. When you see people parking their cars and preparing to sleep on the road.

    See these ones.

    6. You, gisting with the people in the car next to you.

    As per, we’re all in this together.

    7. You looking for a place to make a U-turn.

    No time for stress abeg.

    8. When you see people strolling down the expressway as if they’re in their houses.

    You people have mind sha.

    9. Gala and lacasera hawkers when there’s traffic on Lagos-Ibadan expressway.

    Ope o!

    10. When the traffic is terrible but there’s a potential bae in the car beside you.

    This traffic must be a sign from God.

    11. You, whenever someone tries to cut in front of you.

    Where are you rushing to in this traffic!?

    12. When you catch up to that car that tried to claim road.

    After all your oversabi, we’re still in the same traffic.

    13. You when you first got on the expressway vs you when you finally get to your destination

    One million years later…

    Maryam

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  • 17 Pictures People Who Moved To Lagos Can Relate To

    1. All your friends in Lagos had been telling you how lit Lagos is and the awesome places to seize the bae. So you carried your Ghana-must-go and travelled down.

    Turn up!

    2. Finding out there was traffic all the way from the airport to your house.

    What is this?

    3. When you passed through Ojota for the first time and the smell from the refuse dump hits your face hard.

    Jesu Kristi!

    4. When you realise Lagos is actually overpopulated and hot.

    Why are you people so many?

    5. When you remember how much light you had back home compared to Lagos.

    I’m not coming back again.

    6. When you try to rent a self-contained flat and they ask you to bring your kidney as rent payment.

    Kuku harvest all my organs.

    7. When you’re used to the chill life but everybody has no chill in Lagos.

    Can’t you people just calm down for a second?

    8. When you realise you either have to jump danfo or pay through your nose for cab fares.

    Can I just go back home?

    9. When you managed to take danfo and they were just the dirtiest buses in this life.

    Iyama!

    10. When you were sitting jejely in the danfo and people still came to rob you.

    I want my mummy!

    11. When you go the market and everybody starts grabbing you.

    Are you alright?

    12. Finding out most of the events people told you about were either expensive or really boring.

    You lied to me!

    13. When you finally get a chance to buy a car and LASTMA catches you for one tiny crime.

    Ordinary driving in the BRT lane? Someone can’t play with you again.

    14. Finding out people in Lagos drive like Mad Max.

    Lagos drivers have no home training.

    15. Before, you were just a peaceful somebody but now you’re always ready to fight with anybody that steps on you.

    Hay God!

    16. When you don’t even know how to talk quietly on the phone anymore.. because Lagos noise.

    I’m sorry I can’t hear you over this person shouting beside me.

    17. When you have to plan your day three days before because of Lagos traffic.

    Lagos na wa!

    Maryam

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  • 13 Ridiculous Things That Cause Traffic In Nigeria
    Have you ever been in traffic for more than four hours and spent the whole time wondering why, what, who, is causing the damn thing? Say no more we’ve got you. Disclaimer: You still can’t avoid it.

    1. Garden Egg

    https://twitter.com/iamsupervillain/status/650020557203881984?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
    Sometimes the person 10,345 cars away was just trying to buy fresh garden egg.

    2. Gala

    You don’t even need a prophet to tell you. Just hope there is still fresh gala when it’s your turn to buy.

    3. Yourself

    https://twitter.com/5thHorseman_/status/701666655634587648
    Why you no leave house early?

    4. Witchcraft

    https://twitter.com/MadLawal/status/700559351505784832
    Because witches and wizards also need to get to work…in their invisible cars.

    5. Everybody that thinks this way

    Because, if everybody leaves home at 5am together… Congratulations you played yourself.

    6. And still some more witchcraft

    Sometimes you really believe there are spirits on the road.

    7. Any weather change

    Rain, sunshine, small breeze and bam! Traffic will start.

    8. Toyota Camry

    https://twitter.com/markessien/status/646350170347687936?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
    See, please don’t buy another one, don’t enter one. Please help reduce traffic.

    9. Okada owners

    We believe they deliberately cause traffic, so that this will happen.

    10. Searching bachelors

    These are the people that cause traffic so they can fulfill their purpose. Stay far from them.

    11. Being smart but being stupid

    Everybody wants to get to the front first, because competition.

    12. And of course

    These ones are never up to any good. As their name suggests they will make you get anywhere last.

    13. Lagos Traffic

    Lagos traffic causes lagos traffic, so it can show you who is the boss here.

    What other ridiculous reasons do you think causes traffic?

    Tobi Smith

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  • 13 Songs To Get You Through Driving In Lagos
    Any Nigerian who has ever been stuck in Lagos traffic will attest to it being the worst experience ever. Here are 13 songs to get you through driving in Lagos.

    1. Wiz Khalifa – Black And Yellow

    For when you’re cruising in a Danfo.

    2. Ludacris – Move B**ch

    This song is best played when you’re in a hurry and the cars in front of you aren’t getting the memo.

    3. Nelly – Ride Wit Me

    For when you see a hot babe walking down the road and sweating in the heat.

    4. Tony Tetuila – My Car

    Remember this jam? This song is for when an impatient driver bashes your car and you’re not even there for stories.

    5. Joe Budden – Pump It Up

    For when you’re buying petrol at the filling station.

    6. D’banj – Emergency

    Because nobody sees Lagos traffic coming.

    7. Chamillionaire – Ridin’

    When the Police and LASTMA are trying to make money off you.

    8. Kaycee – Pullover

    How LASTMA pulls you over when you commit a traffic offence.

    9. John Legend – Green Light

    For when the traffic light is acting childish and refusing to show green.

    10. DMX – Up In Here

    For when the traffic is terrible and getting on your last nerve.

    11. Rihanna – Shut Up And Drive

    When an annoying Danfo driver is trying to make bants with you.

    12. Drake- Hold On, We’re Going Home

    For when you’re about to lose all hope of ever getting home on time.

    13. Omarion – Speedin’

    When you finally get out of the traffic.

    Maryam

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  • 14 Things Anyone Who Has Ever Driven in Nigeria Will Completely Get
    Driving in the streets of an urban area, with a ton of traffic regulation officers could be really tricky. If you have ever had to drive without the necessary documents/papers these are things you would understand.

    1. When you are about to leave and you have to whisper a prayer

    Father, please don’t let them stop me.

    2. Driving slowly and looking around for anything in uniform

    I have to be sober and be vigilant. Can’t be used as festive season money.

    3. When their cars are trying to cut in front of you

    Ah, please carry your wahala and go free. Infact, take the whole road.

    4. When you are speeding and spot a LASTMA car on the side of the road

    *heart skips several beats* Please God.

    5. But you realize they aren’t even looking your way.

    I serve a living God! Can’t tell me nothing.

    6. When you get to a part of the road where there are bumps

    This is a trap. I feel it coming. They are around the corner.

    7. And you see a roadblock ahead with LASTMA or FRSC uniforms

    It’s all over. This is the end.

    8. And remember it is almost a festive season

    What did I do to deserve this?

    9. So you start getting your lies and stories ready

    I have to get out of this, one way or the other.

    10. And packaging your “happy holiday” with fervent prayers

    If my hospital emergency lie doesn’t work these new N1000 notes will.

    11. And they tell you to park like you’re a wanted criminal

    Ahan calm down sir. It’s just insurance, C-Caution, fire extinguisher, tint permit, registration and plate number I don’t have.

    12. But you get there and they only ask you “how weekend?”

    PRAISE GOD!

    13. So you have to drop something and run away fast

    Chairman, abeg enjoy your weekend with this small change.

    14. So you leave like

    We made it, we escaped the lions den.

    Tobi Smith

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  • 10 Things That Always Happen After The Christmas-New Year Break

    1. All the parties have caught up with you and now you are half dead

    2. Financially you are destroyed

    3. Like your situation isn’t dire enough, everyone is doing “New Year new me” so the prices of everything in all the stores have gone up

    4. Yet everyone still expects you to “do New Year” for them

    5. You this morning, realising you have to go back to the office

    6. And you see your office nemesis still has not resigned even though you begged God to do it for you as a new years gift

    7. Your boss is still alive

    8. Traffic has come back with a vengeance

    9. But at least the IJGB’s have carried their wahala and gone

    10. Then you realise you still have no significant other and valentines day is around corner

    Written by Zikoko contributor @Jollz

    Damilola

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  • 8 Times Ibadan Beat Lagos Hands Down
    Lagos snatched the title of the largest city in West Africa from Ibadan and has moved on to be the largest in Africa. But even in the face of serious banter, Ibadan has scored points in areas Lagos wouldn’t even dream of. Here are 8 of them:

    1. Free flow of traffic.

    Except on really bad accident days and during execution of construction projects, it is very possible to drive from a far end of Ibadan to another in less than two hours.
    Just look at Lagos traffic.

    2. There is enough space for everyone and everything, Ibadan is thrice the size of Lagos.

    Ibadan has a landmass of over 27,000 sq km. But Lagos has a landmass of 3,577 sq km with a current population size of approximately 21 million.
    Even the beaches are crowded.

    3. Because of the free air and less traffic, the people are not angry.

    The heat, stress and traffic in Lagos is enough to make someone angry forever please.

    4. Three words: cheap cab fares.

    Ibadan 100 – 1 Lagos

    5. Rent in the suburbs is cheap too.

    This two bedroom flat in Ibadan is #350,000 per annum, no need to drop one kidney to pay the landlord.

    6. Abundance of historic monuments and tourist sites.

    Ibadan has more evidence of Nigerian cultural heritage than Lagos does. The best part is that those places are very accessible.

    7. The crime rate is lower than in Lagos.

    While broods of petty thieves and armed robbers swarm in Lagos, fewer cases of crime is usually recorded in Ibadan.

    8. You can totally ball on a budget.

    Not like this exactly sha. [zkk_poll post=13222 poll=content_block_standard_format_11]

    Maryam

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  • 13 Things Every Nigerian Who Has Gotten Hungry In Traffic Is Used To
    Going into traffic could be a really risky idea, especially when you have a stomach that is a bottomless pit. Getting hungry in traffic is something many of us have experience and will understand these situation.

    1. When you are about to head out and notice a slight hold up.

    Good Lord, not today again.

    2. So you start to look for the faster lanes.

    Can this thing please move quickly?

    3. But every other driver is trying to get ahead of you.

    Why can’t these people just be kind for once.

    4. And the traffic has plans for you.

    It seems we are going to sleep here.

    5. And your stomach also has other plans for you.

    Why do I have to be hungry at this time and place.

    6. So you start searching for food vendors.

    In this whole Lagos not one seller, where are all these people?

    7. And you find one in your line of sight coming towards you.

    What a time to be alive! Finally!

    8. But they all stop 10 cars short of your own.

    *groans in dashed hopes, dreams and aspirations*.

    9. So you have to obey your stomach and do what needs to be done.

    HAYYYYYSS GALA, LACASERA!! Because it is better to be ashamed than die of hunger.

    10. But first you have to make sure it is good food.

    Is it fresh? Is it “today’s own?’ Is it not 200 Naira for seven again?

    11. When you make your purchase with N1000 but you don’t want to be swindled.

    I have budgeted this money for three days traffic food.

    12. And the vendor is wasting time as traffic eases up.

    It’s not my time you are wasting. When you are ready bring the change.

    13. And finally you can settle down and feast.

    I am not dying of hunger today. Praise God.

    Tobi Smith

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  • 10 Things Every Nigerian Who Has Lived Near Lagos-Ibadan Expressway Will Immediately Understand
    Ah! Lagos-Ibadan expressway. The important road connecting 2 very special Nigerian cities. Everybody that has travelled in or out of Lagos by road must have journeyed along this wonderful expressway. Do people live there? Well, Yes. And if you are one of those people, you’ve probably experienced everything on this list!

    1. When people invite you to the island.

    Like Lekki folks, we don’t do bridges! It’s not as fine as Lekki or Ikoyi, I know but I’m not coming please.

    2. Getting to Berger and beginning the one-hour journey out of Lagos.

    I’m at the end of Lagos and home is still far away.

    3. When there’s traffic on the road and you start preparing to spend the night.

    Where is my blanket please?

    4. Finding out all the church camps have conventions/revivals and the conductor says “Ketu-Ojota, 500 naira”.

    Can I sleep at home today please?

    5. When you keep missing out on awesome events because..distance.

    Then you watch your social life dying slowly.

    6. Leaving your house at 4am so you can get to ordinary mainland before 8.

    Sleep is for the weak.

    7. When you try to take a cab by accident and you hear the price.

    Sorry, whet?

    8. When you start forming coo keed because you hang out at ICM a lot.

    Well that’s the only cool place in Lagos you can hang.

    9. When Lagosians treat you like an outcast.

    Don’t hate, you can’t even get to Ibadan from Lagos in one hour like us.

    10. When you finally get to move to Lagos.

    Damilola

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  • 12 Things You Could Be Doing If You Weren’t Always Stuck In Lagos Traffic

    If I were to start this post by calculating how much time we spend commuting to work every month, most people would just be too depressed to read on. So I’ll just leave that to your imagination (seriously guys, don’t actually calculate it, it’s way worse than you think).

    adopted traffic

    Anyway, I’m sure we can all agree that Lagos traffic is the thorn in almost every office worker’s flesh. So, out of anger, but mostly frustration, I decided to compile a list of what our lives might actually look like, if we didn’t have to factor in that agonising rush hour traffic.

     

    1. MORE SLEEP!

    sleep two

    That’s it. List is over. Good Night. Well, no, but you already know everything else on this list will pale in comparison to actually getting a full nights rest. Damn I have goosebumps just thinking about it.

     

    2. Have a Social Life

    dancing

    Remember that? Remember when you didn’t have to lie to your friends about being too busy to hang out, when you’re actually just too tired? Those were the days, huh?

     

    3. Actually like your job

    love my job

    Trust me, the resentment you feel towards your boss is deeply rooted in the road rage you have to deal with on your daily commute. It’s enough to make anyone cranky.

     

    4. Get that dream body

    dream body

    I mean, sure, there are some people that still find time to hit the gym after spending forever on third mainland bridge, but we all know they are crazy.

     

    5. EVEN MORE SLEEP!!

    sleep alarm

    Seriously, wouldn’t it be nice to not have a love-hate relationship with your alarm’s snooze button

     

    6. Enjoy your relationship

    relationship

    More time to spend with bae. I don’t see a downside, but that’s probably because I’m single (I blame that on Lagos traffic too)

     

    7. Actually eat breakfast

    breakfast

    Like the proper eggs, toast, and hot chocolate type breakfast. I miss those. I REALLY miss those. I do manage to sneak in some cereal on a good day, but that doesn’t count.

     

    8. Catch up on all your favourite shows

    watching tv

    How far behind on Scandal are you? Have you even started the new season of Game of Thrones? SMH!

     

    9. ‘Maybe’ attend midweek sermons

    church

    Wouldn’t it be nice if the pastor didn’t sub your one-service-a-week ass every Sunday?

     

    10. MORE SLEEP, PLEASE!!!

    sleep

    Do I even have to explain?

     

    11. Have a Radio-Cleanse

    radio

    If I have to listen to Kiss Daniel’s Woju or the voice of a certain unbearably annoying OAP one more time, I will actually kill someone.

     

    12. Be Happier

    happy

    Have you noticed how annoyingly cheerful people who live close to where they work are? Don’t you just hate them?

    Did I miss anything? What would you do with that extra time if you weren’t always stuck in traffic? Please, sound off in the comments section.

     

    Daniel Orubo

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