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toilet | Zikoko!
  • Nigerian Lawmakers Are Concerned About Your Toilet

    When you elect people into office to represent your interests at the National Assembly, there’s a weight of expectation. It’s only logical to expect that these Nigerian lawmakers tackle your most pressing concerns. 

    You know, things like the unemployment rate, rising gas prices, the return of fuel scarcity, and maybe something about the house rent system.

    But when members of the House of Representatives got together for plenary on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022, the fate of toilets in Nigeria was one of the pressing issues on the table.

    Nigerian Lawmakers Are Concerned About Your Toilet

    This is a joke, right?

    No. 

    It was even printed on paper and all.

    Sergius Ose-Ogun, a lawmaker from Edo State, raised concerns about the quality of toilet disinfectants being sold to Nigerians. The lawmaker told his colleagues that a lot of the toilet cleaning products he buys for his many homes are fake. The ones used for his office toilet at the National Assembly are also apparently fake. 

    This is the point where you’d think he would’ve started looking suspiciously at his dealer, but that’s not what happened here.

    Pictured: Not Rep. Sergius Ose-Ogun

    Rep. Ose-Ogun alleged that the manufacturers of the leading toilet cleaning products in Nigeria are cheating Nigerians with ineffective products. And he doesn’t appreciate that toilet cleaning products like Hypo and Harpic don’t work well as they’re made to look in glossy TV adverts. He accused them of living a fake life and cheating Nigerians.

    Nigerian Lawmakers Are Concerned About Your Toilet

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    Why’s this important?

    In Rep. Ose-Ogun’s own words, “I have different houses and I have bought these products. When I use them I don’t see the same effect as I see on the television. That’s why I say it’s of concern to me. If these people aren’t cautious, they’ll be cheating the public. They don’t have a voice; that’s why we were elected to speak for them.”

    We can run through a list of reasons representatives like Ose-Ogun were elected but we’ll take his word for it that this is one of the most important ones. After all, we can’t know what it’s like to be a federal lawmaker.

    Nigerian Lawmakers Are Concerned About Your Toilet

    What’s going to happen now?

    Dozens of Rep. Ose-Ogun’s colleagues agreed with him when they voted that this toilet cleaning thing was enough of a problem to take the discussion further. They resolved to hand out invites to the Federal Competition and Consumer Protection Commission (FCCPC) and Standards Organisation of Nigeria (SON). 

    The FCCPC’s role is basically to ensure everyone in the market plays fair and SON makes sure manufacturers keep products up to standards. The House of Reps is asking these organisations to appear before its Committee on Commerce to justify the presence of these cleaning products in the market.

    The lesson to learn from this episode of Nigeria is that lawmakers may not be working hard enough to arrest those skyrocketing cooking gas prices or the soaring double-digits inflation rate, but at least they want to make your toilets look shiny.

    ALSO READ: What To Do When A Nigerian Vendor Moves Mad

  • What To Do When It Doesn’t Flush At Once

    So you’re in this babe’s house and you need to use the toilet, but you’re trying to hold it in because you know once you drop whatever it is you’re holding, she’ll delete your number and block you. You know what’s coming. You really shouldn’t have eaten that beans. And something even warned you, but do you listen?

    You tell yourself “everybody poops” and decide to take the bold step by asking where the toilet is. You’re not an insecure guy after all.

    Now that you’re done, you flush and it doesn’t go down once. You stand awkwardly and try to flush again. No luck. Now you’re afraid. You google “what to do when you’re in a babe’s toilet, and your strong beans poop won’t go down.” This article pops up. You’re in good hands now. Relax and follow the these steps.

    Flush Again

    Flush again, just to be sure. It won’t go, but just to make sure.

    Fetch Water and Flush

    Fetch water in a bucket and pour it into the water closet. This should typically work. If it doesn’t go, that’s a bad sign. It’s time for you to take matters into your own hands. We can no longer help you.

    Run Away

    From the toilet, run away. You’re with your phone so every other thing you left in her room is not important. Break out of the house and run away. 

    Change your number

    Change your number and all your social media handles. She’ll never be able to find you after this.

    Avoid Her Forever

    If somehow you almost cross paths again, avoid her like the plague. Make up any excuse not to bump into her again. You’ll be fine.

  • 10 Things That Are Too Real For Nigerians Who Have Ever Used A Public Toilet

    1. Mother nature beautiful as she may be, can decide to call at a very awkward place and time.

    Great timing nature, just great!

    2. So you run to the nearest public restroom to answer nature’s call.

    Hay God! This thing must not drop in my pants.

    3. When the putrid smell of urine hits you in the face at the entrance.

    Hanhan! What a welcome present!

    4. Then the porter lists the toilet rate and refuses to let you in without change.

    This is an emergency, have mercy.

    5. Finding a big blob of poop staring at you from the toilet seat.

    I am scarred for life.

    6. Finding someone peeping in at you.

    Please tuck your amebo in.

    7. Taking different positions so the water doesn’t splash on you.

    8. And when you’re taking a dump, you beg all the gods of sanitarium to work miracles.

    Father, make them smell roses.

    9. Finding out there’s no toilet paper right after relieving yourself.

    Hay god!

    10. Wondering if you’ve contracted one or two bacterial infections.

    To visit the doctor or not.

    So did we miss anything?