Toddler | Zikoko!

Babies are wonderful…or are they?

You’re scrolling through IG, and it’s one cute video of an infant or toddler after the other.

Aww🥹

(Via hermespenelope on IG) pic.twitter.com/W4sjc0VbMC
— Cute Black Babies (@Lilblackbabies) May 13, 2023

I’m here to expose these miniature people and reveal why all that cheap PR is just to trick unsuspecting folks into wanting more of them.

Babies have zero communication skills

Imagine not being able to survive on your own and you can’t talk. Why?

For such tiny people, they make so much noise

They can only communicate in a way that’ll destroy your peace of mind. And you still have to decipher whether they want milk, a diaper change, or nothing at all. You know they’re doing it just to run you mad because there’s never water in their eyes, just loud cries at awkward hours of the day.

They can’t even blow their own noses

I feel like blowing your nose is an important life skill to have if you plan to survive.

They can’t eat honey

No, I’m not making this up. Almost as if in exchange for cuteness, they got weak immune systems. Now, you have to do extra work outside capitalism just to get their meal plans right.

They can’t drink water

Babies younger than six months are in danger of water intoxication. Imagine dying because you drank water. Please, God.

Other baby animals > human babies

A newborn goat can stand in minutes. Infants, on the other hand, can’t even sit till they’re six months old. I know who my GOAT is.

They still have to learn how to sit

Imagine after waiting for nine months to learn to stand, they still have to learn to sit.

Babies are simply the perfect example of “great User Interface, terrible User Experience”.

Speaking of experiences, are you ready to enjoy the hottest women-only party in the land, HERtitude? Click here to buy your tickets.

Olayoyin Olorunmota

May 16, 2023

Inside Life

baby, Children, infant, Pregnant, Toddler
If you think babies are a handful, wait till you meet toddlers. Here’s a list of things toddler mums can relate to, according to Thelma:

Eating alone is a no-no

Toddlers will beg for everything you put in your mouth, and sometimes, they’d just try to take it without asking. If you want to enjoy your meal alone, hide in your room. Good luck with that though because hiding from a toddler is close to impossible.

Related: 10 Weird Eating Habits Of People Who Will Disgrace You

Going to the toilet alone? Impossible

They are like a shadow, they follow you everywhere, even to the toilet. The smell doesn’t faze them so you better get used to it.

Always going out with extra clothes

If there’s one thing about toddlers, it’s that they are going to stain their clothes…and yours too. Sometimes, they just want to roll in the dirt and you have to be ready for such.

Related: 6 Ways To Prevent Women From Stealing Your Clothes

Waking up to find them in your bed

Now that they can walk, they know how to find their way to your bed without your invitation. So remember to leave space for them.

When there’s silence, you know it’s bad news

Toddlers are always up to no good. When you can’t hear your toddler anymore, check on them as soon as you can…if you like your house.

Playing the same game 500 times

And it won’t be enough because they’ll still cry once you stop. To be with a toddler is to have strength 24/7.

Knowing all the lines to cocomelon and not by choice

You’ll know the lines to every other cartoon. You’ll be well-versed on the call and responses, the dances as well. If you don’t know how to dance, practice before your baby becomes a toddler.

Constantly saving them from killing themselves

The worst part is that they will wail, kick and sulk because you didn’t allow them to swallow a pebble they saw on the floor. God abeg.

Your home will always be littered with toys

No matter how many times you tidy up, your house is always going to be messy, thanks to your toddler. As they grow older though, you can teach them to clean up after themselves, but until then, pele.

As you prepare for your toddler, here’s an article on a week in the life of a stay-at-home mum.

Mariam Sule

June 27, 2022

Her

mums, Nigerian mums, Toddler
1. When you ask them what they put in their mouth and they quickly swallow before you can stop them.

What kind of wahala is this?
2. When they decide the toilet is their new swimming pool.

Can you imagine?
3. When they realise they can use their teeth as a weapon of mini destruction, they’re like:

Is this one a child or an animal?
4. When you think if you ignore them they’ll stop crying but they just increase the volume of their cry.

You cannot ignore them forever!
5. When they decide to use their crayons to design all the walls in the house.

Mini Picasso by force!
6. When they finally start talking and won’t stop even when you beg.

And if you peg their mouths people will say it’s child abuse.
7. When you just finish tidying the house and tell them to sit down in one place, they’re like:

“No mummy!”
8. When you are trying to potty train them and they are uninterested in all the rubbish you are talking.

So what is pampers for?
9. When they insult people by mistake and you have to start apologising.

And you think they don’t understand what they’re saying!
10. When they sleep in the afternoon and won’t allow anybody hear word in the night.

Please sleep now!

Jola Ayeye

November 8, 2016

Oldies

babies, Babysitting, kids, Toddler

Babies have zero communication skills

For such tiny people, they make so much noise

They can’t even blow their own noses

They can’t eat honey

They can’t drink water

Other baby animals > human babies

They still have to learn how to sit

Eating alone is a no-no

Going to the toilet alone? Impossible

Always going out with extra clothes

Waking up to find them in your bed

When there’s silence, you know it’s bad news

Playing the same game 500 times

Knowing all the lines to cocomelon and not by choice

Constantly saving them from killing themselves

Your home will always be littered with toys

1. When you ask them what they put in their mouth and they quickly swallow before you can stop them.

2. When they decide the toilet is their new swimming pool.

3. When they realise they can use their teeth as a weapon of mini destruction, they’re like:

4. When you think if you ignore them they’ll stop crying but they just increase the volume of their cry.

5. When they decide to use their crayons to design all the walls in the house.

6. When they finally start talking and won’t stop even when you beg.

7. When you just finish tidying the house and tell them to sit down in one place, they’re like:

8. When you are trying to potty train them and they are uninterested in all the rubbish you are talking.

9. When they insult people by mistake and you have to start apologising.

10. When they sleep in the afternoon and won’t allow anybody hear word in the night.