terrible | Zikoko!

So you’re a Nigerian who has decided to join the Nigerian police.

Yay.

I’m going to ignore the brain damage that most likely caused you to make this decision and just move on to the list of things you need to know before you join the force.

Things like:

Your uniform must be badly-tailored:

If you’re on the heavy side with a pot belly, your shirt and trousers must be tight so it looks like your buttons could give way at any second and fly in all directions like bullets. If you’re skinny, your shirt and trousers must be at least 3 sizes too big so whenever you move, it looks like floating clothes on a hanger.

Plant yourself on strange roads so you can stop cars and harass the people in them for money.

Of course, you won’t just say “Give me money!” like that. Start by asking them for obscure car documents you know they won’t be with. If they happen to have these documents, break the ice with a terrible joke and ask them to give you something for the weekend.

If they don’t have the documents, ask them to drop money to get themselves out of “trouble.” If they call you out on your bullshit (which, make no mistake, you are full of), refer to the image above for your next line of action.

Do what ever it takes to get that egunje.

It’s usually never more than ₦200 but that shouldn’t stop you from doing whatever you can to get it. Even if that means shooting up a bus full of innocent people.

Plant yourself at strange corners so you can stop and harass random (young) people.

You could use the usual criteria (dreads, piercings, expensive laptop and/or phone, etc) or you can just look in their eyes and see the guilt in them
using the telepathic abilities they gave you in training school. Also, abuse your power even further by going through their personal belongings e.g. phones, computers, bags etc.

Freak the fuck out when anybody speaks anything to you that isn’t pidgin English.

According to your enabler, Yomi Shogunle.

Sit in a corner close to your station and drink insane amounts of hot cheap beer, ensuring that no one can tell the difference between your station and a kidnapper’s den.

Not that there’s a difference.

Astor George

April 25, 2019

Inside Life

Corrupt, Nigeria, Police, terrible
1. When someone trips and falls (even if it’s an old person), your first reaction is this

*snickers*
2. When somebody tells you that they’re sick and instead of saying sorry, your reaction is this

“Is it contagious? I don’t want to catch whatever you have abeg”
3. If you find out that someone got injured while doing something reckless (like backflips or trying to replicate Beyonce’s choreography from the 2016 Super Bowl Half-Time show), the first thing you’ll say is

STOP IT!
4. If you’re at a supermarket and you see a short person trying (and failing) to reach something on a high shelf, before you offer to help, you’ll be like

“Let me help you with….” *blows catarrh in a futile attempt to stifle laughter*
5. If you’re going out with a friend and you notice a hole in their clothes, you won’t say anything until you get to your destination.

Because tragedy is the foundation of all comedy.
6. When someone tells you that something terrible happened to them, the first words out of your mouth are

Because all you care about is YOU. Other people don’t matter.
7. When your friend that has terrible eyesight can’t find his glasses and is searching for it frantically because he can’t see shit without it and you’re just like

“This nigga can’t see! LOL”
More Zikoko!

A Story Of How Terrifying Your First HIV Test Will Be

Astor George

May 31, 2017

Oldies

Funny, Nigerian, Person, terrible
1. When you wake up happy and ready to slay at work.

They must know I just bought new clothes today!
2. You now feel one dirty pain in your tummy.

Is that …?
3. And your boobs are now very swollen.

And painful!
4. So you run to check and discover your worst enemy is here.

Oh God, why?
5. When you now have to wear black and black to work in case of stains.

And be looking like a mourner upandan!
6. Second day of your period and you’re like:

It’s like world war 3 in my pants.
7. And everything and everyone just starts annoying you.

For no reason!
8. How your period starts rushing when you stand, after sitting for a long time.

Disgusting!
9. You, when your male co-workers ask what’s wrong with you.

I’m fine.
10. How you have to run to poo every ten minutes.

Even the poo is different!
11. And you have to check your bum bum for stains every second.

See stress.
12. When you use all the painkillers in the world but nothing can help you.

See my life o!
13. When you take one sip of a sugary drink and the pain descends on you.

I’ve finished myself today.
14. When you have to use like 10 packs of pad for one period.

Na only me waka come?
15. When you think your period is over and it comes back like:

“Surprise, bitch.”
16. When it now finally goes, you’re like:

Happy to see you go!

Shola

October 25, 2016

Oldies

Funny, Pain, period, terrible

1. When someone trips and falls (even if it’s an old person), your first reaction is this

2. When somebody tells you that they’re sick and instead of saying sorry, your reaction is this

3. If you find out that someone got injured while doing something reckless (like backflips or trying to replicate Beyonce’s choreography from the 2016 Super Bowl Half-Time show), the first thing you’ll say is

4. If you’re at a supermarket and you see a short person trying (and failing) to reach something on a high shelf, before you offer to help, you’ll be like

5. If you’re going out with a friend and you notice a hole in their clothes, you won’t say anything until you get to your destination.

6. When someone tells you that something terrible happened to them, the first words out of your mouth are

7. When your friend that has terrible eyesight can’t find his glasses and is searching for it frantically because he can’t see shit without it and you’re just like

More Zikoko!

1. When you wake up happy and ready to slay at work.

2. You now feel one dirty pain in your tummy.

3. And your boobs are now very swollen.

4. So you run to check and discover your worst enemy is here.

5. When you now have to wear black and black to work in case of stains.

6. Second day of your period and you’re like:

7. And everything and everyone just starts annoying you.

8. How your period starts rushing when you stand, after sitting for a long time.

9. You, when your male co-workers ask what’s wrong with you.

10. How you have to run to poo every ten minutes.

11. And you have to check your bum bum for stains every second.

12. When you use all the painkillers in the world but nothing can help you.

13. When you take one sip of a sugary drink and the pain descends on you.

14. When you have to use like 10 packs of pad for one period.

15. When you think your period is over and it comes back like:

16. When it now finally goes, you’re like: