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  • How to Survive Without Light in Nigeria

    How to Survive Without Light in Nigeria

    We’re not sure who the national grid is in love with, but it has fallen again.  Now that you have to go about your daily activities without relying on electricity, we thought we might show you a few options to consider… 

    Use the sun and moon as light sources 

    Image by Freepik

    God didn’t give you the sun during the day and the moon at night for no reason. Remember when your parents said they read with the glow of moonlight in their younger days? It’s time to test that theory. Don’t wait for Nepa when the moon is out there wasting.

    Read with fireflies

    You call them “tanatana”, I call them the future of illumination.  Let’s do something: when you’re free, catch a thousand fireflies and hang them up on your ceiling and voila! Now, you have free light 24/7. If that isn’t peak creativity, I don’t know what is.

    Try Ironing with Solar Energy

    Everything happens for a reason, including the crazy heat in Nigeria. Don’t let the sun shine in vain. Instead of waiting for NEPA, get a stove iron, your laundry and ironing just got easier. This solution is more economical than industrial irons that add millions to your electricity bill. Additionally, your clothes will come out smooth without any burns. 

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    Conduct lightning to charge your devices

    Image by Freepik

    You might not be Thor Odinson, but hey, I believe in you. If lightning obeys a movie character, how much more you? When the next thunderstorm happens, go outside with your metal rod and Dunlop slippers, ready to produce your electricity.

    No laundry machines? Throw your clothes away!

    We were born naked, and we will die naked. It doesn’t matter if you start early. If you switch to leaves, you won’t have to worry about laundry or ironing. Leaves are clean, sustainable and very affordable. Plus, you don’t have to buy them too.

    Sleep outdoors more

    So, no light to power your fan? The solution is to switch to natural breeze. Mosquitoes and other bugs will likely suck you dry, but the pain will be worth it when a cool breeze touches your soul. 

    Buy a messenger bird

    Don’t waste money on airtime or data for a phone you’ll be unable to charge. The fun part is the person you’re calling will also not be reachable because their phone is dead. However, you can’t go wrong with a bird.  An eagle, hawk or turkey works. As long as it has wings, it can deliver your messages for you. But, if someone catches your bird and throws it inside their soup, I’m not there o. 

    For more survival tips, here’s how to survive in Nigeria without cash or a functioning bank app.

    Raymond Temituro

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  • How to Survive Harmattan if You Have Dust Allergies

    How to Survive Harmattan if You Have Dust Allergies

    If you find it a bit more difficult to keep your eyes open, breathe or just move around without meeting dust, then you already know our long-awaited visitor, Harmattan, is here.

    Naturally, it has no respect and is coming for everyone with a dust allergy. But fret not, we know how you can survive its stay.

    Get a mask

    Image source: JumiaNg

    Step into your mysterious bag this December, and keep that face mask on. Not only will the dust no longer affect you, you can also walk past all the people you owe without fainting from anxiety.

    Inhalers and nasal sprays too

    Image source: Paracosmic

    Anyone with asthma know they have to become conjoined twins with their inhaler this harmattan. But you don’t need to be asthmatic to get a nasal spray. It’ll help clear your sinuses and make breathing a lot easier.

    If you can, stay inside

    Image source: memes.zikoko

    We know it’s December, and you’re trying to get as detty as possible. But if you can, just stay inside. Outside will trigger your allergies a lot quicker and also suck money out of your account.

    Clean every surface

    Image source: Tenor

    You don’t need to deal with the dust in the air and dusty surfaces all at once. Give yourself a fighting chance by making sure everything around you is wiped clean and dust-free.

    Shut the windows

    Image source: Tenor

    The dust is more determined than a married Nigerian man in a bar. It’ll find its way in somehow. Don’t open your doors or windows to it. Protect yourself today.

    Keep your medications close

    Image source: Tenor

    Go to your nearest pharmacy and get all the drugs your doctor’s prescribed for your allergies. Stay ready to tackle whatever the dust might bring your way.

    Give yourself room to breathe

    Image source: memes.zikoko

    It’s easy to feel like the air around you is closing in when everywhere is filled with dust, so don’t add to your wahala. Make sure you’re not in crowds and there’s always room for you to breathe properly.

    READ: Surviving Harmattan: A Complete Starter Kit

    Chioma Munachi

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  • How To Survive Nigeria’s Agbado Era

    How To Survive Nigeria’s Agbado Era

    Nigeria got a new president four days ago, and he’s already hit the ground running.

    We’d have let him run alone, but he’s tied a rope around our national waist and insists we follow him. So as your helpers, we’ve made a survival pack for you.

    Always wear running shoes 

    As the new government has hit the ground running, so shall you. It’s best to stay ready.

    Get a new stream of income 

    How can you make money from all the byproducts of corn and cassava? Mama, let’s start the research before it’s too late. 

    Date someone in APC 

    The closer you are to power, the easier your life will be. However, anything you see in the relationship is on you.

    Get into ministry 

    We’ll need new spiritual leaders for all the fasting and praying we’re about to do. Then you can start to charge for deliverance and anointing oil to break the yoke.

    Put “Yoruba ronu” sticker on your front door

    And maybe, like during the night of the Passover, Nigeria’s wahala will pass over you. 

    Continue serving capitalism

    Now more than ever, you need capitalism’s money. So be good and do as it says.

    Buy a bicycle 

    Fuel is like ₦600/litre now, so you should probably consider selling your car and buying a bicycle. You might faint after riding from your house to work because Nigeria’s heat is nobody’s mate, but at least, you won’t have to buy fuel with money you don’t have.

    Switch to candles

    Mama G saw the future when she said her government will give out candles because, on just day four of his rule, fuel is more scarce than a married man with no side chicks.

    Get a sugar guardian

    It’s jokes that you think you can do this on your own. Arm yourself with a glucose guardian today; you can never have too many streams of income.

    Chioma Munachi

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  • Election 101: How to Survive Election Day

    Election 101: How to Survive Election Day

    The day we’ve all been waiting for is almost upon us: we’re 15 days away from Nigeria’s 2023 presidential elections. Some people are anxious about the chaos that might follow after the elections, and others have decided to start fasting and praying to ensure their candidate is victorious at the polls. 

    But, whatever the case might be, here are some things you must do to at least get through election day and get home in one piece:

    Dress properly for the occasion

    Make sure you wear light clothes since you might be standing for some time while awaiting accreditation and voting. Also, make sure your shoes or footwear are especially comfortable, just in case you need to run. 

    Election day 2023 survival

    You should also take extra care to note the following:

    • You can’t wear clothes with colours that represent any party
    • You are not allowed to carry campaign materials to polling units 

    If you are found guilty of this, according to the electoral act, you’d be required to pay a fine of ₦100k or face imprisonment for six months.

    Vote properly

    After accreditation, you’ll be given a ballot paper to thumbprint within the box of your preferred party. Make sure your mark appears only within the box and doesn’t cross any lines.

    Also read: The Four Steps You Need to Know As a First-Time Voter

    If it does, your vote will be considered invalid. After months of campaigning online, don’t let your village people get you when it’s finally time to cast your vote. 

    Election day 2023 survival

    We made a video on how to vote here.

    Don’t carry weapons

    Elections are an opportunity to fight for our lives, but the only weapon you’ll need is your Permanent Voter’s Card (PVC). If you’re caught in possession of any harmful weapon, you’ll be fined the sum of ₦100k or face six months imprisonment. 

    Don’t take or give money 

    This probably looks like bad advice under the administration of President Bubu and Meffy, especially if the now rare naira notes are being shared.

    But taking money from people on election day counts as “undue influence”, and this attracts a fine of ₦100k and up to 12 months imprisonment. So, run away from the temptation; you wouldn’t want to go from your polling unit to prison. 

    Don’t campaign

    Every election season, many people become political analysts, shouting and swearing with almost everything that their candidate is better. Which is fair, except everything should end when you get to your polling unit. Don’t try to convince anyone to vote for your candidate.

    If you’re caught doing so within 300 meters of a polling unit, you’d pay a fine of ₦100k or face 6 months imprisonment.   

    Hopefully, you take some of the advice we’ve given, and if you refuse to, may the odds be ever in your favour. 

    The Citizen Situation Room and Helpline are your ultimate plugs for real-time gist and drama on the 2023 elections. Join the conversation today!

    Are you signed up to our Game of Votes newsletter yet? We help you make sense of news jargon and keep you up-to-date especially with election news. Make the subscription of a lifetime here

    Tolu Omotesho

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  • How To Get Your Skin To Survive Nigerian Dry Season

    How To Get Your Skin To Survive Nigerian Dry Season
    It’s that time of the year when the leaves fall, the paper edges fold and your skin gets ashy like burnt paper (pardon the joke). It is essential to take care of your skin properly during this season, here’s how to do it properly.

    1. Take baths properly

    We know the weather is cold, yes. You took a shower last night, okay? Ensure you take baths properly when you, should so your skin pores can breathe, stay healthy and be free.

    2. LOTION

    This cannot be over emphasized really. You can not skip this part. No your clothes covering that part of the body doesn’t excuse it from being “lotioned”. Use hydrating lotions so your skin will thank you. This is one of the keys to success.

    3. Drink lots of water.

    It has been scientifically proven that people who drink more water have better glowing skin, get good jobs, have good homes and the like. But trust us drinking lots of water helps your skin glow and stay healthy during the harmattan.

    4. Eat fruits and vegetables

    These are really good for your skin they do keep the skin glowing; bananas, oranges, pawpaws and the like. They contain antioxidants and vitamin c and these will also prevent you from having colds.

    5. Warm and protective clothing

    When you see okada riders all decked up no they are not imitating Kanye West, they are protecting their skin. The dry weather causes your skin to dry and sometimes start peeling. Cover up!

    6. Chap stick

    Do not leave your house without applying this fantastic piece of magic. It will keep your lips looking like lips and not packs of flour.  We all hate cracked, dry and peeling lips. Use a lip balm or chap stick!

    7. Hair oils and moisturizers

    It is also important to keep your hair oiled and moisturized, this will help keep your scalp in good condition. Dry hair=dry scalp.

    Tobi Smith

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  • How To Survive Shopping With Your Nigerian Mother

    How To Survive Shopping With Your Nigerian Mother
    When your Nigerian mum says  “Let’s go to the store or market” we know how that feels and the reactions that follow.  Here are a few ways you can survive a shopping trip with your mum.

    1. Be prepared! Brace yourself!

    Because it’s about to be a tough long experience.

    2. Pack every single thing you need.

    Water, toiletries, snacks, a sleeping bag also.

    3. Prepare your muscles and get your energy up.

    Because you are about to be a bag carrier for the rest of that day.

    4. Prepare your secret shopping list.

    Who knows you may get lucky.

    5. Tell her how much you love her on the way to the shop.

    Of course you’re the best mum in Nigeria! You always surprise me with the best things!

    6. Prepare to be disappointed.

    Because you will most likely not get anything you want.

    7. Be ready to agree to every and anything.

    Because nobody wants any problems.

    8. Get ready to be interviewed for every thing you pick.

    That is if you are allowed to get anything.

    9. Get ready to be wowed by her bargaining skills.

    When she is haggling a price from N13,000 to N1,300.

    10. Get your patience levels to 110%.

    When she mistakenly spots the choir mistress in the crowd of people.

    11. Unfold your mat, sleeping bag or chair and relax.

    it is going to be a longer day.

    12. And never forget to say “God bless you”.

    When she finally says “Let us head home”.

    Tobi Smith

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