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Ask your friends studying in the UK. It’s not all fun and vibes. They can relate to most, if not all of the struggle on this list.
1. The slangs
Bruh, what the heck does “ledge” and “innit” even mean? Hay God.
2. The weather
Everywhere will just be cold and wet. They should have kuku said it’s inside freezer you’re coming to study.
3. The constant homesickness
“Hard guy or gal”, until you find yourself missing your mother in the middle of the night. Tuff.
4. Everyone thinks you’re flexing
Boya you should set up a gofundme so they’ll know things are critical, because why all dis? Or you can become a Kyshi Affiliate and learn while you earn. Register here.
5. Travelling costs
The return ticket alone can give you instant heart attack. It looks like witchcraft will be the best option at this point. You better take advantage of the FREE back to school ticket by Kyshi or get a discount.
6. Phone calls
See, just make WhatsApp and Zoom your best friend, because those call charges are from hell.
7. Sending/receiving money
As if your money struggle in Nigeria isn’t enough. Now, you’re in a foreign country and it looks like e your village people have swallowed the money.
Returning to school after summer break?
You can take advantage of this amazing opportunity to win a back to school ticket to London courtesy Kyshi, in partnership with @travelstartng.
How to Participate:
Download and sign up on the Kyshi App. Transact at least £500 during the campaign period (1 September – 17 September) Check @kyshico for more details.
Sitting for any exam can be tedious, how much more, almighty JAMB. And checking your result? That can be a nerve-wracking process, but you have to go through with it because how else are you going to get into university? Better to do so as soon as possible so you can put your mind at ease. Ready to check your JAMB result? Follow these simple steps on how to check it.
Look for Post Registration on the E-facility menu.
Click on Print Result Slip button.
Next, enter either your Reg or GSM Number
Finally, click on Check My Result to wrap up the process.
Note that printing out your result might come with a N1,000 charge.
Good luck! Uni here you come.
NOTE: Candidates used to be able to check their results via SMS by sending UTMERESULT to 55019 from the phone number used to obtain the profile code. However, that method of checking JAMB results is no longer functional due to issues the people who made the method have encountered. If anything changes in regards to the way to check JAMB results, this page will be updated with the information.
A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.
The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a club hostess and waitress. Club hostesses help clients with reservations and carry out bottles with sparklers when people buy expensive drinks. Our subject talks about the stereotype associated with her job, balancing school and work, and some of the most expensive drinks she has served.
FRIDAY:
I feel lucky that I have a job because I can’t imagine how I’d cope without one. A little back story: I’m currently living in Akure because of school and outside of classes, I have nothing to do. A typical day for me usually involves class, hostel, class, hostel, rinse and repeat.
With a job in the mix, I’m happy there’s finally some variety: class, hostel, work, rinse and repeat. Keeping a job as a student requires constant moving around of my schedule. Some days, I go from work to class. On other days, it’s from class to work.
Today, I’m going from the lab to work. School ends at 4 p.m., and I have to prepare for work at 6 p.m. The club officially opens at 9:30 p.m. but resumption time is 6 p.m.
I work as a hostess in a club and I like to call it waitressing pro-max — if such a name exists.
My job is to go to work, be on my best behaviour, look beautiful, put on a smile and welcome customers. It’s also my job to show them to their table and make them comfortable. On nights where we have a full house, I also substitute as a waitress and help serve drinks.
The part of my job I love the most is seeing people buy expensive drinks, hey Jesus! Dorime things. When I’m hyping the person popping drinks by dancing and carrying lights, I’m constantly reminding myself that if the drink falls, I’m finished. Some of these drinks cost more than my annual salary. I haven’t gotten used to seeing people casually spend millions of naira on alcohol in one night.
But, I try not to visibly show my shock because the show must go on.
School is currently in session, so my work schedule has changed from every day to only Friday to Sunday. From 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. Although, I still find myself working during the week because work is fun and my co-workers feel like family.
SATURDAY:
Midnightof Friday/Saturday morning:
I resumed work at 6 p.m. yesterday. I barely made it to work on time because I overslept when I got to the hostel. It took the grace of God for me to jump up when I did and I rushed to work.
The first thing I did at work was to eat the cereal I packed. Next, I started making reservations for guests coming later at night when we fully opened. At some point, I helped the barman take inventory and plan the drinks for the night. When I was tired, I went to a restaurant in the same building as the club to chill.
At 9 p.m., I went to change. I was torn between a red dress with a thigh slit and a plain black round neck shirt. I almost chose the red dress, but I remembered that the last time I wore it, a man pointed at my nipple, another slapped my butt and one couldn’t stop staring at my breasts — even though they aren’t that big. And so, the plain black round neck won.
3 a.m.
I’ve been by the door welcoming guests all night. In that time, I and the other hostesses have danced up to five times for people popping drinks. I’ve also worn a mask to hide my face during those five times because I’m shy.
In this same night, I’ve also gotten offers from people who say they want to fuck me. One even offered to triple my monthly salary if I go home with him. Wonders shall never end.
4:00 a.m.
The alcohol has finally kicked in. The DJ’s playlist is fire. People have stopped coming in and now I’m catching my own fun.
5:00 a.m.
I’m not doing again. I’m tired. These people should come and be going home.
6:00 a.m.
God. These people are still here dancing and partying. Don’t they want us to go home? Are they not tired? I’m tired.
I miss my bed.
7:00 a.m.
Finally, the last customer just left. Thank you, Jesus!
Noon
Nobody can separate me from this bed. Not food, not water, not even phone calls. I want to sleep till tomorrow if I can.
5 p.m.
I can’t believe I have to get up for work. This adulthood is very somehow because someone can’t even relax. Just work every day until you die.
SUNDAY:
Midnight of Saturday/Sunday morning
Tonight has been uneventful. People are coming in much slower than usual and the energy on the dance floor is off. With the kind of evening I had when I got to work, I’m glad things are slow now.
For the longest time, I’ve suspected that people view so-called “club girls” differently. However, today’s incident proved me right.
The owner of the club I work in owns a hotel within the building our office is in, and I chill at the hotel’s bar and restaurant all the time. Yesterday, [male] friends from my school came to lodge in our hotel. That’s how I went to say hi to them because these are friends I had before starting this job.
As I was leaving their room to start work, I heard someone say, “she has gone to do the job they hired her for. The job of fucking customers.”
My heart dropped, my palms and face were covered in sweat, and I was speechless.
It’s somehow when people just stereotype you. Club girl doesn’t mean she fucks around. Club girl doesn’t mean she’s for sale or wants your money. Club girl doesn’t mean she’s not a person; she’s a human being too.
Last last this work is not for everyone because if you don’t have sense they’ll run you streets.
3 a.m.
The last customer just left, so we’re done for the day. However, according to our contract, we can’t leave until 6:00 a.m. Everyone is either sleeping or about to sleep. I can’t because my body is already used to sleeping during the day.
To pass time, I try to match drinks to their prices. We have:
— Hennessy Paradis. We sell for ₦1M and people buy it like pure water.
Finally, my watch has ended. I’m going home to sleep all day. I’m grateful that my colleagues told me to go home while they stayed back to balance the account and clean up.
MONDAY:
6:00 a.m.
The only thing powering me this morning is energy drinks. Last night was so busy that you’ll never have imagined that the next day was Monday. Customers were everywhere, so I barely had time to rest. To make things worse, my first class starts at 8:00 a.m. today and attendance is compulsory.
I have to do everything in my power to not touch my bed. Anything that makes me lie down small, that’s the end. I’m gone. I just need to manage till 2 p.m. when school ends for today. I don’t know how I’ll survive the lectures, but the first step is getting to school in one piece.
It’ll soon be a year since I started doing this job. It’s funny how this job started as a way to keep busy and earn passive income after the lockdown was eased, and school was still closed. Now, it’s something I’ve come to enjoy. Beyond that, I’m really grateful I have a job I enjoy that occupies my time.
As a student, there’s no greater feeling than knowing I have my own money. I don’t depend on anyone for anything: I see something, I like it, and I save for it. Apart from the occasional harassment, this is a job I enjoy doing.
I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I had nothing to do.
Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.
A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.
The subject for today’s “A Week In The Life” is a 200 level university student of finance. She tells us about combining a labouring job with being a student, how her classmates make jest of her and why she shows up in spite of all life throws at her.
MONDAY:
There’s no light when my alarm wakes me up by 5 a.m. today. The only source of illumination in the room is from the screen of my phone that has 5:00 a.m. boldly written in front of it. Fumbling against the darkness with the light from my phone’s screen, the first thing I do is locate my rechargeable torchlight. Armed with this, I prepare to start my day.
First on the menu is bathing and brushing — I do this quietly so as to not wake my roommates. As a 200 level student in the university, this preparation could be considered too early for lectures. However, I’m preparing to go to work. In addition to being a student, I juggle a full-time job as a labourer on a construction site.
It’s 5:45 a.m. by the time I’m done getting dressed. I leave the room by 5:50 a.m. and thankfully, because the construction site is a 5 minutes walk from the hostel, I arrive before 6 a.m. At the venue, I change into work clothes and wait for the more senior workers to start trooping in.
During my wait, my colleague informs me that the task for today is setting blocks on the third floor. This means that everyone is required to carry blocks from the ground floor to the third floor, where they’ll be laid. Additionally, today’s payment will be determined by the number of blocks carried —50 blocks gets you ₦1,250. I hear my colleagues making plans to carry 300 – 400 blocks, and I mentally remind myself that my quota is 50 blocks. After all, I can’t afford to overexert myself since first semester exams start tomorrow.
TUESDAY:
I don’t need an alarm to wake me since I’m up by 2 a.m. studying. My first paper is by 8 a.m. and I have to revise all that I’ve read. After getting in by 4 p.m. yesterday, I was so exhausted that I just went to have a bath and lie down.
Even though I’m grateful for having a source of income, I can’t help but flash back to when things weren’t like this.
I initially started working part-time at a dry-cleaning store. I’d attend lectures in the morning, get back to the hostel by or before 2 p.m. and immediately go to resume at the store. By 7 p.m. I’d be done for the day and back in my hostel. However, when the pandemic hit, the dry cleaning store couldn’t afford to pay me so they let me go.
I was worried and scared, but I couldn’t sit idly without making money. The idea of waiting for my parents before buying anything in school spurred me into action. While thinking of jobs to do, I noticed a construction site behind my hostel and went over to ask them for a job.
On the first day, the engineer on site said he couldn’t allow me to work because it was a man’s job. I had to assure him that beyond my tiny body, I was mighty and could do the work. At the end of my first day, I ended up carrying 12 buckets of sand, 10 buckets of granite, 25 headpans of concrete, and I fetched a lot of water. The payment for that day was ₦4,000. I remember feeling extremely happy to have made my own money.
Even though ₦4,000 is big money, I’m sure that I will make more with education, and that’s why I’m awake and studying.
I check my watch and notice an hour has passed. I have just five more hours until exams officially begin.
WEDNESDAY:
I went viral on the internet today. I resumed at the site, as usual, changed into work clothes and started my day. During our ten minutes break, I asked a colleague to snap me so I could update my media on Twitter.
I posted my photo and went back to work.
After an hour, I opened my Twitter and saw 300 likes on my picture. I wondered what was happening. For someone who usually got 20 likes per photo, this was strange. I chalked it up to Twitter people whining me and went back to work.
I opened Twitter again by closing time and saw 7,000 likes on the photo. In my head, I was like, “E be like say things don red.” Between the time it took for me to get to the hostel, have a bath and settle in, the picture already had 10,000 likes. In my head I was shouting, “I don blow.”
The only “downside” now is that I have to call my family and tell them what I’ve been up to. I don’t want a situation where they find out from gossip blogs. I know my dad and brother will take it well, my mum too might not complain. The only person I’m worried that might not take it well is my elder sister because she might say that the job is embarrassing her. Anyhow, I’m not too bothered because I know that the job I’m doing is very legal.
THURSDAY:
I wrote my second paper today. With every exam I write, I go one step away from my past and two steps into my future. I’ve done a lot of jobs to get me up to this stage, and I don’t take it for granted. If I had to give a timeline of all the jobs I’ve done, it’ll go like this:
Junior secondary school — got paid for copying notes and drawing biology diagrams.
Senior secondary school — worked in a sawmill as a woodcutter.
Immediately after writing WAEC — worked long hours in Katangwa market as a cloth seller and sometimes load carrier for people.
University — worked in a dry cleaning shop.
Now — working on a construction site.
Because I know where I’m coming from, it’s easy not to flinch when people make jest of me for being a labourer. The most painful incident was when my classmate saw me at work and called her roommates to laugh at me. At first, it pained me, but I had to remind myself I was making money from the job;she could go fuck herself.
After we finished our exam today, another classmate asked me if I was so desperate for money that I took up labourer work. I just walked past her because it’s none of her business. No matter what you do people will talk. If you’re lazy they’ll talk. If you’re hard-working they’ll talk. If you’re irresponsible they’ll talk. Even if you’re neutral they’ll talk. There’s nothing you’ll do that people won’t run commentary, whether good or bad. At the end of the day, that’s their business.
FRIDAY:
I have neither exams nor work today, so I can tell that today will be a good day. I’m finally going to rest. My plan is simple: sleep and catch up on Attack on the Titans [AOT] and Jujutsu Kaisen [JJK]. I can’t wait to see the latest episode of AOT and watch my baby, Eren, in action. AOT fans love Levi Ackerman, but I can’t stand him because he steals the spotlight from my guy, Eren.
I’m also going to catch up on the latest episode of JJK because I can’t wait to see my favorite characters fight.
I can’t lie, I’m grateful for rest days. My life is basically work, school, church on the weekends, and reading in the middle of the night. I have no time for myself to do anything. On days like this, I get to not only unwind but also think about my future. I’m still in my second year of studying finance, but I know where I want to end and where I don’t. I know I don’t want to end up working in a bank. If I must work in a bank I’d like to work at the Central Bank or alternatively, I’d like to thread Okonjo Iweala’s career path. I know that one day, I can become the minister of finance and even go on to become the DG of the World Trade Organisation. At least I know that by the time I’m ready, Okonjo Iweala would have retired. LOL.
My dreams scare me because I don’t know how to get to where I hope to be. Most people I’ve told about my dreams have laughed and said I’m making up fantasies in my head. Even if I don’t know how to reach my dreams, I’ll never stop pushing. I’ll never stop trying. In some part of my mind, I know that fantasies sometimes do come true in reality.
But before they can come to life I have to rest. Today is shaping up to be a perfect day to do that.
Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.
Have you ever been broke in school? Down to your last cash, and no means of help in sight? Then this list will bring back memories of endurance and longsuffering.
1) Exercise
It’s not every time you get in a bus or a car. Sometimes, you cruise with your legedes benz. You just want to feel the sun on your back again. It’s not like you’re broke
2) Food
You get adventurous with your food options. When you’re broke is when you start combining corn and bread, garri and vegetable, etc. We will be praying for your stomach
3) Borrowing
Whatever you need that you don’t have? You’d borrow. Textbook? Hanger? Hot plate? BORROW. Borrow borrow make you fine, and who doesn’t want to be fine?
4) Hard work
If you used to take your clothes to get washed before, suddenly you’d remember your great grandfather was a clothes washer in his past life. Laziness be gone.
5) Friendship
You disappear immediately after class now, before one of your friends decide that’s when they want to try a new bukka that opened last week. Anytime you see your friends, you run
Students in Nigerian universities have stories to tell, but hardly anyone to tell them to. For our new weekly series, Aluta and Chill, we are putting the spotlight on these students and their various campus experiences.
This week’s subject is a second-year female student at University of Benin. She narrates how two unpleasant experiences with lecturers have changed what she thought about the university and its lecturers.
Could you tell me how you got into university?
I wrote JAMB in 2018 and applied for a course I really liked. Choosing UNIBEN was a no-brainer because a lot of my relatives had gone there, so it is like a family school. Also, the course is not offered in a lot of Nigerian universities. My options were limited.
What drew you to the course?
I saw it in a social studies textbook when I was in JSS 3, and I’d wanted it since that time. However, I didn’t get the course. Instead, I was offered another one, which I didn’t even know existed until I saw it in my admission letter.
Anyway, I wasn’t going to wait a year at home. I decided to cut my losses and take the course. I planned to transfer to the department I wanted after I’d spent some time in school. However, academic activities didn’t start until March 2019 because of an ASUU strike.
Did you eventually transfer to the department you wanted?
Oh yes, it did. I didn’t even spend a session before I facilitated the switch. I knew the right person, and that was all that mattered.
How excited were you about UNIBEN?
My relatives who had gone there only had good things to say about it, so I was definitely pumped. I took their word for it. Now that I’m here, I don’t see what the fuss was about. The expectation didn’t match reality.
What changed?
A lot of things, but the ones that have affected me the most is how the lecturers have been a pain in my ass in the little time I’ve spent here.
Wow. What happened?
I went to see a lecturer because I needed information about the courses to register for and how to switch departments. I had no idea something funny was going to happen. The moment I entered his office, he locked the door behind us. That was mildly uncomfortable, but I thought he didn’t want to be disturbed. Then I felt his eyes on me, checking me out and sizing me up. I didn’t know what it was about but I kept my cool.
What happened after?
He asked me if I had started having sex.
OMG, What?!
Yep. That happened. I was obviously taken aback, but I wasn’t sure what to say. Now, I was really uncomfortable but if he noticed, he didn’t care. The next question he asked was if I had a boyfriend. Then he asked if I was a lesbian and if I had noticed any lesbians around the department.
I laughed it off and told him it was none of his business. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have laughed. He thought it was funny, but it wasn’t. Fortunately, he didn’t dig deeper. It was really unnerving. I mean, I had only spent a few weeks in university.
What did you think that did to you?
I was disgusted, to begin with. And I began to see the school and its lecturers in a new light. Thankfully, I switched departments not long after and I didn’t have to deal with seeing him anymore. However, It dawned on me that these lecturers see themselves as gods, and they could do whatever they wanted. The second experience proved that.
Man. What happened?
Sure. I’d transferred departments now and was in the second semester of my first year. I was inside a lecture hall. My class was a large one — about 350 students — and there were no PA systems so the lecturer had to walk around the class to make sure everyone heard him. He got to where I sat, regarded me for a moment and asked me to see him after the class.
Did you know why he wanted to see you?
I had just gotten an artificial septum ring that I wore to school. It was a nose ring, so I didn’t think there was anything to it. But when he asked to see me, I suspected it was because of the ring. He had a reputation for being strict, so I went to his office immediately after the class ended. I got to his office and everything took an ugly turn.
What happened?
He shared his office with two other lecturers that were teaching me different courses at the time. One of them was at the door when I got there. He saw me, saw the nose ring and started yelling at me.
Now, his words wouldn’t have bothered me so much, but he was throwing words like “harlot” and “prostitute” into the mix. I’d never been that embarrassed.
That’s not cool. Did you react to the outburst?
I did. I couldn’t reel everything in, so I retorted and asked him not to call me those names. He didn’t take kindly to this. Even then, I could see that he was offended, but I couldn’t care less. I dashed past him and went in to see the lecturer I actually came to see.
What did your lecturer say?
He asked me to sit down and gently told me that I was allowed to wear whatever I wanted, but I shouldn’t wear the ring to his class anymore.
I have a feeling that wasn’t the end of it
It wasn’t. The lecturer I had the run-in with was taking two compulsory courses at the time, so I couldn’t avoid him. Every time I ran into him, he looked at me in a weird way. He made it pretty clear that he had it for me.
I was writing a test for one of his courses one time when he came to my seat. He took the sheet I was writing in and waved it in the air for everyone to see. Then he started with the name-calling again — it was “fool” and “dunce” this time. It irked me, but I didn’t say anything.
Did you think he wanted something?
Yes, he wanted an apology, I guess. He asked me to his office twice, but I didn’t go. On the day I wrote one of his exams, he asked me to come to his office again, but I didn’t go. I wasn’t going to deal with him unless I had to.
What happened after?
We don’t see our results until the beginning of a new session. When I eventually got my 100 level results, I saw that I got F in both courses he took.
Whoa!
It took a lot to process that. I knew how much work I put into studying for those courses. I actually loved them and studied hard for them. Besides, his courses were the only ones I failed.
I’m really sorry about that. What did you do when you saw your grades?
There was nothing I could do. I had to let it go. Now, he’s my course adviser and I have to sit for the exams again. I could use a break from him. He probably still wants me to apologise, but I have nothing to apologise for.
Ha, he’s your course adviser now! How badly did the two Fs affect your CGPA?
My CGPA took a big hit. No student should have two Fs in their first year. Besides, both courses are compulsory. Right now, my CGPA is struggling a bit. I shouldn’t be dealing with this, but it is what it is. I’m trying to see the bright side, though — I’m in my second year, so I believe that I have time to make up what I’d lost.
How confident are you that you will pass his courses this time?
Man, I’m confident about what I wrote in the previous exams. However, if it doesn’t happen, I have to take it to department management. I know the HOD, so that could work to my advantage. I hope it doesn’t get there, though — these lecturers can be vindictive and I don’t want this to become me vs the department thing.
Have these experiences affected your relationships with other lecturers?
I like to keep my distance from all of them. I don’t care to nurture a student-lecturer relationship. From my experience, nothing good comes out of that. Of course, I’m never comfortable in classes. I always feel like they are watching me. All I can do to be in control is to take it easy and mind my business.
Do you think you might still get in a run-in with him?
Yes. It doesn’t scare me, though. There’s only so much he or any lecturer can do. I still have the nose ring, but I don’t wear it to school anymore. It makes me really sad that I can’t wear what I want when I want to, but I will live. The idea is to lay low, and I’m sticking with that.
If you could go back to 2018, would you still go for UNIBEN?
Nah, I wouldn’t even choose a public university. I would find a private university where the only thing I’d have to do is study without worrying about a lecturer leering at me or another one failing me in two important courses because he didn’t like what I wore.
*The subject asked to be anonymous.
Are you currently studying in Nigeria or elsewhere and have a story to share about your life in school? Please take a minute to fill this form and we will reach out to you ASAP.
Can’t get enough Aluta and Chill?Check back every Thursday at 9 AM for a new episode. Find other stories in the series here.
If you’ve been reading #NairaLife long enough, then you probably know I’m currently on the #JollofRoad, our West Africa road trip. Along the way, I’ve found all kinds of people. And what good is it if I don’t run into people and ask them about their finances?
The guy in this #NairaLife #DalasiLife is 26. He lives in Gambia, one of West Africa’s top tourist destinations. He also happened to be our host in Gambia – he rented out his apartment to us for the weekend.
First thing you did for money?
It was nine years ago when I was like 17. I sold my bicycle for 1,500 dalasis.
Must have been a big deal for you.
Ah yes. My father told me then, “What are you doing with 1,500 dalasi? I pay your school fees, I do everything for you, I give you lunch money, what do you need money for?”
Before we get back to your bicycle, what’s your favourite thing about the Gambia?
Everyone is chilled out. No trouble.
Okay, back to your bicycle. What did you need money for?
Nothing at the time, I just wanted to have my own money.
Interesting. Did you make any more money at the time?
That time, my lunch money was about 25 dalasis, but I saved most of it. I’d spend 5 and save 20.
What can 25 dalasis buy you?
Back then, two bottles of water, but today, only one bottle. A coke was 8 dalasi, now it’s 18 dalasis.
When my mum noticed how much I was saving, she said, “Hmmm, this boy wants to do something.” When I’d saved enough, I opened a small shop opposite the house. I started frying omelettes and making coffee, and it was going good. From the shop, I was saving between 2000 and 3000 dalasis every week, depending on how much the business was moving.
But, when I entered Grade 12 and was about to start preparing for my certificate exams, I gave the shop to my mum.
To run for you?
Yes, but she took the shop and ate all my money, hahaha. When I was running the shop, I could save up to 6,000 dalasis. I wrote my WAEC certificate exam in 2014, grade 12. I was about 20.
That was also the year I travelled – the end of that year.
Ah, interesting. So after your exams – which I believe you wrote in the middle of the year – what were you doing till you travelled?
I got a job working at a hotel as a masseur. My aunt was a masseuse, so when I finished school, she told me to come work for her at the hotel and trained me.
How much did people pay for massages back then?
It depends, back massages could go for 500 dalasis. Full body massages: 1500. Reflexology could be 600 to 700 dalasis. I have no idea what they’re paying now, but I’m sure it has increased. My pay was by commission. So every three weeks, she’d give me 25%. My best pay was about 20,000 dalasis.
That’s a lot of massages.
Sometimes, I used to give up to three or four massages in a day. A full body massage takes one hour, fifteen minutes. Reflexology takes 45 minutes. Head massage takes 30 minutes. The best thing about that job was that I got to meet a lot of people from all kinds of countries.
Was that where the hunger to travel came from?
Nah. I have family in Europe. My grandma is in the US. My mum, brothers, and everyone has travelled. My brother that I live with for example – cousin actually – he’s Norwegian. He wasn’t born there, but he lived there as a kid.
Interesting.
But now, he’s back in the Gambia earning good money here. He’s into transportation, and he has a lot of big trucks. He even has a small boat at the beach now to carry people. I have plans to build my own things here.
We’ll get to that. So, you travelled at the end of 2014?
Yeah, I went to Russia. I was taking part-time jobs in Russia while schooling, most of it was working as a security guard. You know, I’m big. But I wasn’t paying my school fees. My grandma paid for that. Russian universities are cheaper than American universities. My grandma was paying about $2500. I’m studying computer engineering.
I’m currently in my final year.
Nice nice. How long have you been back for?
Beginning of the year – February. I took a few months out of school. Also, I missed my family. From February till May, I was just enjoying, going to the beach, hanging out with some of my friends here.
But in May, I had to stop.
Hahaha, your flexing money finished.
Haha, you knowww.
How much did you bring back?
A lot.
Tell me.
A lot.
Okay, how much did you spend?
A lot.
Hahaha, Okay.
I started thinking of how to finish my own projects – house building projects. I live in my aunty’s house, the one she built. Whenever she comes to the Gambia, she just goes straight to her compound. She has her own business, drives her own car, has a heavy bank account.
A lot of people abroad are building houses back home. That’s where I saw my opportunity. Sometimes, my friends in Europe will tell me to help them inspect their building projects. I help them inspect, but for a fee. No time.
I feel you.
Meanwhile, I have time. But I tell them I have no time, hahaha. I get up to 1,000 dalasis from them on some days. One of my friends is coming soon, and he bought his land for 1.5 million dalasis. He’s building something really massive.
Land is expensive here?
Yes, because of the tourists.
I bought a piece of land too. I sent the money to my friend here when I was in Russia. I even started building. But right now, I’ve paused, because I have to go back to get more money. I have just enough money for my flight ticket now.
I totally get that. I’m curious. How much is enough for you to live a very very good life in the Gambia per month?
Probably 100,000 dalasis. Food is cheap here. If you like partying, just go out with 200 dalasis, and you’re good. Rent a small two-bedroom here for like 4500 to 5000 dalasis per month.
You pay rent here per month?
Yeah. Most people pay per month, but some people pay per year.
In Nigeria, it’s the other way round.
Only per year? Per year is a lot of money. Many people don’t have that much here.
Many people don’t have that much in Nigeria too.
Crazy. The only thing some landlords ask for here is a six-month advance when you first move in.
How much do you think you’d be earning after school in the Gambia?
For computer engineers, it’s a lot of money. I really don’t know how much, but once they work for three months, you start seeing them building houses and buying cars. Where is the money coming from?
Hahaha, what are the next few years looking like for you?
Well, I know that being in the Gambia is not going to be easy for me. So I need to work hard and make good money in Russia. There, as long as you have all your documents, you can get work easily. I already speak Russian – you have to study the language for one year when you get there. I make good money working part-time as a student. Imagine how much better it will be when I work full time with a degree.
So, I’ll work, finish my building project. Maybe get married, and come to the Gambia for holidays.
When I’m away, I can even rent it to tourists.
The Gambia seems to be getting a lot of tourists every year.
Yes. Many of them are from Scandinavian countries. The tourism started in Bakau, that crocodile place. That’s why in many places here, apartments are rented out to tourists on a short-let. Lots of them even marry Gambians.
A quick segue, but do you have any recent financial regrets?
Ah yes. I sent my uncle money from Russia to invest in a small business here, about $2000 in total. He said he had some business he felt I should invest in. But now, my money is gone, no business too.
Now, I just need him to pay me my money, because I worked hard for it. I really want to go and scatter his house – he’s not even around. He travelled.
So, imagine him lying to me over the phone, and me thinking sending money back home was going to help my family and even my country.
My mum said, “Oh leave him, he’s your uncle.”
Nonsense. I want my money. If I’m trying to build my future and you’re stealing from it, you’re not a good person.
Let’s talk about financial happiness, on a scale of 1-10.
I don’t know about here in the Gambia, because when I’m here, I worry too much about money. My life is easier when I’m in Russia. So, here, my happiness is lower. But sometimes, I realise how lucky I am.
By early 2020, I’ll return to school, and I can get back to planning for my future, so I can get money, live better, develop my country.
When the lecturer pairs you with people you don’t talk to
It stings more if two or more of your friends are in the same group.
When the group leader starts collecting phone numbers
You know what is coming; endless calls and texts.
When you get the “you’ve been added to a group” WhatsApp notification
It’s happening. You flirt with the “report as spam” and “leave group” ideas, but your grades.
When you see other groups working their asses off, but your group is still figuring out the best direction
You’ve had only one brief meeting, actually. Well, that sounds like the group leader’s problem.
When the group leader schedule a meeting for the weekend
Like don’t you have a life?
When you realise that you have to cough more money than you’d planned
You are not expecting money from home until the end of the month. Hello, brokeness. Well played, universe.
When it’s almost deadline and your group is nowhere close to being done
You couldn’t care less until you remember where your CGPA stands. Or maybe it wouldn’t be much problem; you only need to get 60 out of 70 in the exam now. Leemao.
When someone you didn’t see at any of the meetings show up for the presentation
Oh wait, a few extra bucks meant you wouldn’t have dealt with any of this? Who knew?
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
This week’s story is about a 22-year-old student who would have been out and alone in the world if his friends didn’t change his life forever.
What is the first thing you ever did for money?
I taught A-levels. I’d just finished A-levels from a school, so I went back the next year to teach for 10k a month.
This was in 2013 – I was 17. I taught in the 2013/2014 session. I was trying to get a scholarship to go abroad, but that didn’t work out.
My dad was just like, go to a uni in Nigeria. And that’s where I went. So I got into University with my A-levels. 2014/2015 session.
What was your first semester away from home like?
Let me give you some context: I’m the firstborn, and something weird used to happen when I was in secondary school; Teachers often chased me out of class and I never knew why. My mum would say, “Don’t worry, we’ll talk about it.”
When I turned 14, she eventually told me.
What did she say?
That’s when I knew my parents didn’t have money – they were struggling to pay my school fees.
I actually got a scholarship to be at the school where I did my A-Levels.
So when I entered uni, things became rougher and I couldn’t… When I started school, my dad used to give me 3k per month. He thought they fed people in school, because back when he was in school, people were fed for free.
I didn’t want to spoil it for him, so I just ‘ohhh’d’ it.
I just managed.
How?
₦200 per meal, once daily. Buy ₦70 bread, ₦50 beans, and one bottle of orobo Pepsi, you’re set for the day. Lucky for me, I made good friends, and that supplemented a lot. I did that for the first semester – about the first half the year.
Then I started thinking about my life, because mehn, I had to make money somehow.
What did you come up with?
My guy was into programming, so I too wanted to become a programmer.
Ah, that.
It’s actually what I wanted to travel abroad to study anyway, but I just settled for one course here, because there were no dedicated software engineering courses.
Next thing was to get a laptop. My dad couldn’t get me one, so I started looking for a means to get a new laptop.
I heard of a scholarship, and that time, luckily for me, my G.P.A. was still kind of high – over 4.0 – so I roughed it somehow, and I got the scholarship. In fact, I applied on the deadline day.
Wild.
Do you know what’s wilder? I wrote the application essay on my phone, while I was at the movies. I got the scholarship. That money came at the end of 2015 – ₦200k. Immediately I got that money, I went to buy a laptop, and I started learning how to write code.
Ah, rough year, that year.
How did you survive that year though, minus the bread and beans?
My friends. I had this girlfriend, very understanding. She used to buy me food all the time. She never asked for anything; she just bought me food endlessly.
Morning, night, afternoon: “Are you hungry?”, “Are you okay?” I didn’t even have to disturb my parents for anything.
They’d occasionally reach out like, “Can I send you this small ₦1k or ₦2k?” But I’d just tell them not to worry, because my younger sibling also got into another university and needed it more than I did.
Also, I didn’t have a place to stay, so I was more of a floater. A floater is different from a squatter – you’re on another level of squatting. Do you understand?
Explain abeg.
I made myself very flexible. I had one small bag in school at that time. I knew that if I went home, there’d be no light or internet.
But in school, I had light and internet. So I floated around my friends’ rooms. If I see that one of my guys was getting a little uncomfortable, I’d just move to another guy’s hostel, stay there for like two weeks or one month, then move to another place.
There was this friend I had, his dad was a member of staff – super chilled man. My friend had access to his dad’s office, so we used to go there. It had fast Internet, so that’s where I spent a lot of nights.
What were you doing?
Learning how to code. I watched tutorial, after tutorial, after tutorial. I remember the first thing I built – a GP calculator. To be honest, I didn’t finish building it, but I did what I could anyway. I couldn’t find that many structured courses that were free, so I just rough am. This was 2017; I now had my laptop at this time.
What else happened that year?
4th year, time for Industrial Attachment. I got accepted at an oil company, great place! The money was like 30k with free food and transport. This was the highest money I’d ever been offered at this point in my life, but I didn’t take the job at the oil company.
Wollop. Why?
I was worried it would distract me from what I really wanted to do – programming. The oil company wasn’t going to get me there fast.
This is random, but do you want to hear something funny?
What?
All this time, I didn’t have a phone. My mum used to call my friend whenever she wanted to reach me. And I kind of liked it that way, because whenever I got a call from home, it was always that something bad had happened. Or maybe when there’s no food, no light, or no DStv subscription. Always those kinds of things.
I feel you.
That was about to change though because, at the beginning of 2017, my scholarship funds came again – it was a yearly thing. And out of the 200k – I dunno what I was thinking – I carried 170k and went to buy a phone.
Ehn?
Let’s just call it one of those stupid decisions, but the phone later worked in my favour. One of my friends had a client who needed to develop an app. So I just showed up with my nice phone and laptop.
Lemme tell you how it went:
Interviewer: So you’re coming for IT right?
Me: Not really. I mean, I’m coming for IT, but not really as an IT student coming to learn, in a sense.
Interviewer (smiles): Okay, we’ll offer you 50k.
Me: Let me explain, I got IT offering in a place for 30k with free food. But I’m not coming as an IT student, I’m coming as a cheap web developer.
Interviewer: So how much do you want?
Me: 125k
Interviewer: Hahaha. You know what? Let’s do 100k.
You know, I actually just rough am. The person was not an actual engineer. They brought a non-developer to interview me, so I just took that advantage. Immediately after that interview, I called my guy like ‘guyyyyyyyy.’ I called all my guys. All the people I’d been squatting –
Floating
Hahaha. Yes, floating with. Let me tell you about these people. They were taking care of me, basically. I had a friend that used to buy me food, but he believed in me so much that he used to say, “Don’t worry, I’m not doing it for free. I’ll just be adding it to your tab.” He was so sure I was going to make money soon.
Now, imagine he used to buy me food of say, ₦500. I owed him up to ₦32k. Now, imagine how many times he bought me food in that period.
Wow.
The others guys too, whenever they were going to get food, I’d want to stay back because I didn’t have money. They’d be like “guy, let’s go jor,” and buy me food. They let me stay in their room.
So imagine me coming back to tell them. They were so excited. God, that ₦100k was like everything in the world for me. I was the highest-paid I.T. student.
Omo, I now started adding weight.
Hahaha.
Whenever people ask me, I’d say, “Omo, na God ooo.” What made it better was, I didn’t need to show up every time. I just had to get the work done. Two months into it, trouble started.
What trouble? Office drama?
No. From home. I got a phone call from my dad. My mum had an accident. And he wasn’t as forthcoming with all the feedback I needed, like with the money part. He’s a proud man, you understand?
I totally get it.
I just told him not to worry, because I was coming home. I had saved up like 90k, because I wasn’t spending money on much. I withdrew 50k, and took it to the house.
In the long run, it would have been tough to stay at the hospital at ₦2k per night. So we took her home, and I paid a doctor to come in to treat her at home. That cost ₦20k at once.
For the next month, she was bed-ridden. I also couldn’t go home, because I had to make money. So I used to panic a lot.
Sorry about that man.
At this point, I just made sure that money stopped becoming a serious problem at the house. Paid for DStv so my mum could be distracted from the pain. I was burning through a lot of money that by the next month, I asked for a salary advance of half of my next salary.
It ended in us having to do a surgery on one of her joints because it was broken.
So imagine me, in 2017, at 20 years old, having to worry about all of this.
Sigh.
All my money was going there. I just wanted her to get better. And she did get better. But, something else came up. My parents had been avoiding mentioning it to me, but now that the accident had come up, they couldn’t keep it away from me anymore.
What happened?
Not only had the house rent expired, we were also owing a year’s rent. This was a house that they’d lived in for 20 years.
But the landlady wasn’t having any of that anymore. She’d already started sending native doctors to sprinkle jazz at our entrance, cutting off power to our house. Proper “come and be going” treatment.
How much was the rent?
₦350k. I’d just collected an advance on my next salary. Where was I going to get that kind of money? We tried something else – a lawyer that I gave like ₦20k to help us get some more time to get our shit together.
Anyway, by December 2017, I was supposed to be finishing I.T.. My boss understood how badly I needed the money, so he let me stay. In fact, he was willing to let me say until I finished school.
Anyway, one thing led to ten things, and I had to leave at some point.
What happened?
They hired a senior developer who started to shit on everybody’s parade. He also managed to convince the CEO to make me go back to school.
I was close to tears at the office. At this point, my old laptop already went bad with age, so I was surviving on the company’s laptop. Meanwhile, someone had hooked me up with a gig on the side.
How much?
₦250k. I couldn’t finish the job. I was back to square one and didn’t know what to do. I was still the funny, lively person, but my friend was worried. If you’re close to me, you won’t even know what was going on. Do you understand?
Totally.
My mum was just recovering, she needed money. I needed money too. I couldn’t eat. I barely saved anything from that time I was earning. I didn’t think I was going to leave, so I didn’t even plan to buy a new laptop. Huge mistake. I’d already sold my phone, and now I had no laptop.
Woah.
2018 now, and I couldn’t really squat with my friends anymore. They didn’t mind, but I didn’t want to feel like a burden.
I used to sleep at that office. The alternative was to sleep under the stars with the mosquitoes. See ehn, the way I’m now resistant to mosquitoes ehn. Jesus!
Mad.
I used to be hungry a lot. But again, my guys came through when they could, as much as they could.
I knew that the way out of all of this was for me to get a laptop, so I started the laptop hustle. And one of my guys, right there in school, loaned me money for a new laptop.
How much?
₦300k, in March 2018. If you want to enjoy coding, get a good laptop or go and sleep. It was one of those types of loans that you never really had a return date to pay back. But I insisted on paying back in 6 months. It took me over a year. I spent a lot of time at that my friend’s dad’s office. I felt average as a developer. So I knew that if I wanted to earn more, I needed to make more money. I already felt like I’d lost time because there were periods where I wasn’t working or improving. I felt like I had to be really good because it’d need extra convincing to hire a student.
What about classes? Like actual school?
I tried to attend classes, but it was pointless to me at this point. An F here and there. I lost my scholarship too because my G.P.A. dropped. Thank God for my friend’s dad. He managed to – I don’t know how – convince his wife to make food for me whenever she was making for the kids.
Bruh, that food was my hope. See, I don’t know how to explain it, but it helped a lot. The man used to be around three days a week. So food came only on those days. I literally built that free food into my time table. I just knew Monday, Wednesday, and Friday –
Sorted.
You get. I was lean again. Even my friend’s younger sibling helped a lot. I think I’ve been extremely lucky with the people I’ve had in my life. Close to the middle of 2018, I started applying for jobs again. I googled all the things people were looking for in developers and started to learn what I could and threw them into my CV.
I got an interview and they gave me five days to submit a code test. Do you know when I submitted?
When?
A day and a half after. I didn’t really know all the things in the test sef, but the way I studied ehn. One of my friends just gave me his internet for that period. In fact, one of my friends gave me transport money to go for the interview. It took a while, but I eventually got contacted. HR was like “I’ll give you 170k.” They asked me when I wanted to resume, I told them I was ready. And you see, it was at the end of the month that the real money became clear in my eyes.
Net vs Gross?
A little over ₦140k was what entered my account. HR said the rest went to health insurance and pensions. I just felt like a lucky bastard at this point, so I didn’t really care. Also, there were experienced developers there, and I really wanted to learn from them. I told one of them to just pass on all the grunt work to me.
Remember that 250k work I didn’t finish? He asked me to come and continue. So I asked for ₦400k, and the guy agreed. I added ₦150k to the money and gave the money to my dad for rent.
Man.
You know, he used to have money. Like, proper wealthy. Then life happened. Anyway, I gave my mum another ₦100k. Just for her to stay sharp.
Anyway, back to work. I was getting better, and needing more money. When I was getting hired, I was told I’d get a raise in six months. Oya now, give me a raise. Na story I dey hear. The only way to get a raise was to get an offer from somewhere else.
By January 2019, I started looking for a new job. This time, I knew the difference between net and gross. I had almost two years of experience working on actual things. I got an interview that went smoothly. How? Youtube – I watched a lot of how-tos for interviews. When they asked me how much I wanted, I just spat out 400k net.
That’s bold.
Yes. In the end, my net was ₦300k – a little over double of my last net. So that’s where I’m currently at now. The old people took their laptop back, and the new guys gave me a new one straight. But that’s not even all. I got a client – the biggest yet. It involved managing a small team for a project. Sha, my cut was like ₦1 million, you know, make I use pick teeth.
Hahaha.
This was shortly after I started at my new job. I didn’t really loud it, but I took care of the outstanding bills. A grandparent was ill. Family debts, my younger siblings’ school fees.
How much did all of that take?
About ₦700k, so I just had ₦300k left for myself. Thing is, as my money grew longer, my throat grew longer. Sometimes I’ll just be like, let me just go and take pepper soup, just because.
It looks like you have multiple income streams now. What does that look like on a monthly basis?
So far so good, I earn an average of 500k a month – ₦350k on a bad month. That ₦1 million is not a regular something. There’s someone who pays me 50k for a retainer. Just so he can call me to quickly fix something when he needs to.
But I need to save most of it because I have a lot of expenses lined up for the rest of the year. I need to finally get my place, get my own laptop, get my younger sibling a laptop. My budget for all of these is ₦1.2 million
Let’s breakdown your monthly spending.
Ah, this one is hard. Sometimes, I just randomly want to buy shawarma, and I end up buying shawarma for everybody.
Transport is a mood expense for me. Sometimes, I jump bus and if I jumped bus every day, that would cost me like 30k every month. But sometimes, I’ll just call a cab. And one trip will now be like 3k. So I think a mix of all the forms of transport I use will make it about 50k every month. Also, when I buy food, I tend to not buy for myself alone. So now, I’m like, “Have you eaten? Are you okay?”
I still stay with my guys.
How much do you feel like you should be earning?
Deep down, 1.3 million, and this number is because I’ve reached a place where I can no longer think of my income with local rates. It’s why the next job I want is a remote job, working for foreign companies that will pay me in Forex. Convert 1.3 million to dollars, and it’s less than $4000.
What’s something you want but can’t afford?
I want to get my mum a house. Like somewhere in America. Just take her there and just keep her there to just chill. That’s what I want. If my mum has peace, I’m okay. She has suffered too much in this life. She has suffered too much for us. Like all the things she has done, just to put food on the table.
I just need to blow on time to be able to do things like this.
What do you feel like you should be better at?
I need to diversify my skills. Be a better writer, mess around with other things outside of my field. I don’t believe we came to this world to do only one thing. Like just be a software engineer and an actor or something.
Also – and I wouldn’t call this empowering – but I’m actively working to groom people to acquire some of the technical skills I’ve acquired while trying to get better on my end of course.
How would you rate your financial happiness, on a scale of 1-10?
4. I need to create structured multiple streams of income. I want to have an income stream that just goes to my family, for example. Another one for just my enjoyment.
What did you realise changed over the past few years, minus your account balance of course?
When I was getting F’s in some exams, my classmates were celebrating that they were graduating.
Some of my classmates came to apply for internships at my company – graduate intern roles – to come and work for me. These are people that finished before me – I still have about a year to clear my carry-overs.
So now, I’m wondering whether my degree is going to be any good.
Someone would see me and be like this boy is supposed to be sad and he’s laughing. I’ll be like, no problem. Some of them might be excited earning 40k per month, and they’re saying “ahhh, big boy!”
Also all that time I spent working kind of created some gap between me and some of my friends. Good thing is, all my friends are doing really well.
I used to know a lot of people, but I don’t even have the patience for making new friends now. I’d rather just stay at home and press my laptop.
It might sound like Gerard, but no, it’s not somebody’s name.
2. Subject-Verb Agreement aka Concord
If you don’t remember this, you should really hide your head in shame. This topic caused so much heartache in English Language exams. The struggle to understand concord and its many rules was real.
3. Monophthong, Diphthong and Triphthong
Probably the only “thongs” you remember now are the ones they wear abi? SMH! Shame! Shame on you! Monophthong, Diphthong and Triphthongs are the three different ways of producing vowel sounds. Remember now?
4. Phrases
Noun phrases, verb phrases, adjectival phrases; back then it seemed like every thing was a phrase.
5. Clauses
Clauses made us feel almost the same way phrases made us feel and were just as, if not more confusing than them.
6. Punctuation Marks
Judging by the nonsense way people write on Facebook and Twitter, I’m pretty sure punctuation was the first thing y’all forgot as soon as WAEC was over. Shebi?
7. Prepositions
When to use “in” and “on”, “under” and “beneath”; prepositions were hard to understand even when we were being taught, talk less of now.
8. Verbs and Adverbs
A verb is an action word or a doing wordAs learned in every Nigerian primary school
If this was you defining a verb in primary school, do like this:
9. Nouns and Pronouns
Name, name, name, name; this game helped us to remember what a noun is. But I’m pretty sure y’all have forgotten.
10. Comparative and Superlative
Just add “-er” or “-est” in some cases. In others, “more” and “most”. But do you even remember which goes when?
Not every time complain about how difficult chemistry or any other subject is, it’s not always rocket science.
Sometimes, comparing some scientific terms to real-life people or situations can be an easy way to answer these questions. Oya, thank us for this life hack.
This student was asked to define electro-negativity in a question that carried 5 extra marks.
And instead of simply defining the exact thing the teacher taught, the student added jara just to show how much the concept was understood.
“Yes, I’m getting this 5pts! To properly articulate what electronegativity is, I would like to draw your attention to Trey Songz a.k.a Mr Steal your gurl. You see Trey has no chill, he’s a killer, a savage. He steals other men’s girls without any remorse. Electronegativity is a concept with a lot of Trey like behaviour. It’s the ability for an atom to take another atom’s electron with Flourine being the OG Trey Songz because it has the highest electronegativity of all the elements, straight stealing them.
That’s an A+ answer Ms Chery.”
For those of you wondering who Mr Steal Your Girl is…
And with this amount of buffness (and very little singing prowess), this man goes forth snatching people’s girlfriends up and down.
Points for creativity!!! This students scored all of the 5 points with this answer.
If this student were Nigerian, the story may turn out differently though. How dare you answer a question this creatively?
Only bad Nigerian children know how Trey Songz steals girls instead of cramming every single word in their notes.
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