Story | Zikoko!

I woke up that morning, prepared to shut that party down.

Single malt whisky, The Singleton was launching its 12-year-old whisky at a party happening at The Sencillo Beach House, Ilashe. A ton of influencers and cool kids were going to be there, and I’d gotten an invite.

I’d been looking forward to this day for weeks. It was the 1st of October (the first public holiday that’d come along in a while) so it was the perfect day to do something meaningful. In this case, something meaningful meant killing myself with enjoyment.

As the baby boy that I am.

While staging a fashion show in front of the mirror all in the name of finding the right outfit, it began to drizzle. I thought it’d be the kind that’d fall for a few minutes and stop, so I went into the shower undeterred. When I emerged, it was raining cats and dogs. The clouds were so black that for a second, I wondered if the rapture had happened and I’d been left behind.

Mother Nature was really about to do me dirty and ruin the fun day I’d planned.

Damn.

The area my house is situated in is a mess. If a group of people sneeze at the same time, it floods. So I knew that getting to the Island (the party’s venue) from Isolo (where I live) with heavy rain would feel like an obstacle course designed by satan himself. I was determined to not miss this party, though, so I got dressed, got a cab, and headed out. Obstacles be damned.

That day, traffic and floods came together and were like:

The ride took forever.

The invite said to be at Bics Gardens in Lekki by 12 PM where a boat would convey everyone to the beach, and I was terrified that I was going to miss it. What would I do? Go back home and spend the day sleeping?? Was NO ONE going to see the bomb outfit I had on???

After two gruelling hours in traffic – and almost driving into a ditch the driver couldn’t see because it was covered by floods – we got to Bic Gardens at 11:54 AM. As I got out of the car and sprinted in, I reminded myself to ask for the number of Lekki’s Babalawo because it didn’t look like it had rained there at all. Luckily, the boat hadn’t left yet so I got on and settled in.

And immediately began to think of every ocean disaster movie I’ve ever seen.

Thankfully, we got to the beach without the boat being swallowed up by a supernatural whirlpool (à la The Odyssey) and the party began. Good vibes, amazing food, banging music, and enough The Singleton whisky to take down an elephant soon made me forget everything I’d been through earlier in the day. Aje Butter, OSi Suave, DJ Spinall, DJ Tgarbs, Chef Fregz, Kemi Smallz, Nara Ozim, Uche Odoh, and Sharon Ojong were just some of the influencers I partied with. Check out these pictures:

You know what? Watch this video. When you do, you’ll see why I was willing to walk through fire to be at this party:

https://www.zikoko.com/pop/heres-what-happened-at-the-singleton-launch/attachment/singleton-h1-2/

Astor George

October 9, 2019

Inside Life

party, singleton, sponsored, Story
This is a story of the time I saw a goat fly.

Like, fam, I am not even kidding. I. SAW. A. GOAT. FLY.
And I’m not even talking the “Greatest Of All Time” aka GOAT kind of goat that you would call this guy:

I mean, quite literally, a goat. Ewu. Ewure. Horns, hooves and all, like this guy:

Minus the sunglasses sha. So here’s what led the goat to flying:
I live on the first floor of a building and there’s this one goat that always comes to disturb my trash.

You know how all these goats like to do na.
One day, I came home to find the goat at it again.

Something that was like this before:

Was already looking like this:

I just snapped.

I chased the goat and it ran upstairs to the second floor.

Me I was already thinking, “Mumu, there’s nowhere for you to go now. I will turn you into pepper soup this night”.

But I think the goat was already thinking:

“Mmmeeeeh…Sisteeeeh, you are on your own eeehhhh.”
That was how it climbed to the balcony, stood on the railing and jumped!

Fam, this goat jumped two floors, landed on the ground, then looked at me like:

Me I was just looking like:

All the people I told did not now believe me.

They were now looking at me like:

Since then, I’ve seriously been questioning my life’s existence.

Please, fam, tell me you believe me! Before I go and check myself into Aro.

More Zikoko!
https://zikoko.com/list/gentle-horror-story-every-girl-learning-swim-nigeria/

Ronke Otega

June 5, 2017

General

Animal, Funny, goat, Story
I love my mother.

I mean, the woman gave me life, what’s not to love?

But I had never actually TOLD my mother I love her.

Until this particular day.
I was bored and playing with her jewellery.

Which of course she had warned me NEVER to do.
As I was playing, one of her necklaces did “krin”

I jejely put it back and started praying that she won’t find out.

But of course she did. And the devil was looking at me like:

Someone’s gonna get beaten reeeal bad!
She beat me in stages. First the slap:

Then she removed slippers:

Then she beat me with the slippers:

At first I thought I could chest it.

As an odeyshi master.
But when I could not hold it anymore I had to let it all out.

That was how I started to shout, “I love you mummy! I will not do it again!”

Thinking that she will feel pity and stop.
She just looked at me like:

Then she said, “I love you too that’s why I’m beating you”

When she finished beating me she now asked, “Do you still love me?”

I didn’t even know how to respond.

I cried at the end of this story, but you will laugh at the end of this one:
https://zikoko.com/story/nightmare-on-akure-road-my-worst-travel-experience/

Ronke Otega

May 16, 2017

General

discipline, Mothers, Nigerian Mothers, Story
My people, it is not easy being a confam baby boy.

You see, everything has to be on fleek. Hair; check. Clothes; check. Shoes; double check.
You’ve got to get all the girls tripping from a mile away.

When they see you coming, they have to feel your hawtness instantly.

So that before you even start to talk to them they’ll just be like:

But living that “always on fleek” life is not easy o.

Being a baby boy has its own wahala.
And sometimes, life will just come and mess up something for you.

Don’t believe? Just see my story:
That was how one day I was cruising around by my baby boy self. Doing some Yoruba demon prowling. You know. Regular stuff.

Then I spotted this fiiiiiiiine chick!!

I was like:

And as the on fleek baby boy that I am, I walked up to her and instantly laid down my moves.

I knew my shit was already working cause she was looking at me like:

So I decided to quickly seal the deal.
We went to one secluded garden place and sat on a bench.

It was dark and I did not check the place before sitting down. But I was like, whatevs. MISTAKE!!!
That was how, ten minutes into the talk I started feeling something moving inside my leg. But I shook it off.

Eez nothing eez nothing. But the moving did not stop.
Then suddenly, something chooked me inside my leg. I did not want to jump and scratch it so I just used guy.

That’s how I now used my phone light to check the bench and saw all the ants holding themselves on top of it:

I could not hold myself. I jumped from the bench and screamed. The babe was looking at me like this:

Bros. Hafa na?
I forgot I was outside. I removed my clothes so fast I could have won a world record.

When I finished checking that the ants were no longer in my clothes. I dressed up again and just left the place.

I didn’t bother to get the girl’s number. I didn’t need any reminders of that embarrassing moment.

All through that week I really sat down to think about this my baby boy life.

But no, I cannot stop. I’m a Baby Boy For Life!

Maybe I wouldn’t have had such a bad toasting experience though if I had read this next post on how to toast Naija boy style.
https://zikoko.com/list/naija-boys-toasting/

Ronke Otega

May 9, 2017

General

baby boy, Story, toasting, Yoruba demon
We’ve all told lies at one point or the other in our lives.

Big lies. Little white lies. (Why do the little lies have to be ‘white’ though? Can’t black people tell little lies? Can’t it be little black lies? So much white privilege even in lying too? Where my protesters at!!) Okay, maybe we’ll put the protest on hold for now and get back to the story.
The fact is though, regardless of whatever size of the lie, some people are really good at lying while others simply suck. This is a story of how I sucked at lying to my mother and how that shit backfired.

One beautiful Saturday morning when I was in primary 3, I found a one naira coin under our living room couch.

Old Herb was looking at me like, “Pick me! Pick me!” So I did and showed it to my mother.
Mother instantly gave me the eye.

As per, the first step of action according to the Mothering Handbook.
Then she was like, “Is it your own?”

And then she told me to put it back. But of course I didn’t listen.
The next Monday, I took Old Herb to school.

After school, I stopped by the little kiosk outside the school gate and bought one stick of robot bubble gum.

…because that was all the one naira could afford back then.
But I was very happy with my purchase.

I was never given money to bring to school because I always brought food for lunch and home was a stone’s throw away. So I was very excited about being able to buy something on my own.
I chewed my robot gum with pride and skipped all the way back home.

Immediately my mother saw me, she looked at me like:

“What are you eating?”
At first, I feigned ignorance.

But my mother was like:

So I told her I was chewing gum.

I could not even try to lie.
Things escalated pretty quickly from there.

“Gum? Where did you get it? Who gave you? So you’ve started collecting things anyhow from people abi? Are you not supposed to show me first before you eat it?”
All the shouting started to make my head turn and ruined my focus.

Before I knew it, I told her I hadn’t collected the gum from anybody.

Then her face went like this:

Oho? So where did you get it then?
At this moment, I knew I was in too deep and there was no going back.

When I told her I bought the gum from the kiosk in school, she looked at me like:

“Really? With which money?” Which was really a trick question because she knew I didn’t have any money.
I knew I was in trouble when she started to laugh like this:

“Oho! You used that one naira I told you to return abi? You’ve turned to a thief now abi?”
I jejely carried myself to face the wall for my beating.

She made me put the gum on the floor and look at it as she beat me.

I wasn’t even sure which one she was more upset about; the trying to lie thing or the taking the money after she said not to thing.
I just knew that after that day, I could never look at another stick of robot bubble gum the same way again.

I was a learner when it comes to lying, but ever had a classmate that just likes lying anyhow?
https://zikoko.com/list/classmate-just-used-lie/

Ronke Otega

April 27, 2017

General

lying, Nigerian parents, Story
The journey began normal. We left on time, I had my earphones on, my jamz on repeat, even the air conditioner was blasting cool breeze on my face; it was shaping up to be a perfect trip.

Then, halfway through the journey everything changed and my perfect trip was ruined

Hay God! What is this now?
It started slowly, I barely even noticed it

Wh…wha…what’s happening?
Suddenly, one rumble…

Oh my God, was that my stomach or the car entering a pothole?
Then another rumble…

Father Lord this cannot be happening…
My face when the volcano erupted

Everybody else’s face

And then…

But the mess did not stop there.
I started thinking of how to find toilet on time before the full thing dropped

Me when I couldn’t take it anymore

I begged the driver to stop in the middle of the road

Bent down and did my business behind a bush

Contributing to nature
For the rest of the journey everybody was looking at me like…

Ronke Otega

April 24, 2017

General

hilarious, Story, travel
There I was jejely playing with my toys o.

And having a fantastic time with my friends.

That’s how my mom said she was going to the market and I jumped up to do follow follow.

When she told me to ‘go and wear your shoe’, I was like:

Long story short, I followed her to the market o.

When we finished parading the length and breadth of the market, we finally got better trader.

She calculated our goods and it was time for us to pay, when my mom asked “Where’s the money?”

By this time my heart was already beating very fast, but I managed to ask ‘erm, what money ma?’

Apparently she had knotted the money in my scarf.

And me I just saw one yamma yamma knot and loosened it on the way to the market.

My mom was so mad, she was actually shaking!

People were now begging her not to beat me in the market.

When we got home, she beat…… let’s not talk about that one here.

Later, a neighbor and friend was now gisting me about how people were picking someone’s missing money on the road in front of her house.

Shola

November 3, 2016

General

Funny, lost money, not funny, Story
1. So I had been job hunting for over a year.

Walking up and down my state!
2. I had become a prayer warrior.

Going to church 4 times a week.
3. My mother had been running from pillar to post trying to help me get a job.

Like a headless chicken!
4. All those uncles that said “call me when you graduate” were nowhere to be found.

They had all disappeared. Professionals in the art of promise and fail!
5. I applied everywhere, to places I was qualified and otherwise.

Something will fall in place!
6. I even ran for election.

And lost, woefully!
7. That’s how all of a sudden I got a phone call inviting me for an interview.

PRAIIISEEEE GOD!
8. I first did my special celebration dance.

As a Michael Jackson apprentice!
9. Then I started preparing for my interview.

Fail to plan is plan to fail!
10. I first spent 30 minutes ironing just the collar of my shirt.

Carefully!
11. Then another one hour ironing the remaining part.

I must shine.
12. I went over my CV and cover letter again.

Cannot miss anything before they think I’m a fraud!
13. Then went to sleep early so that I can be refreshed and renewed for my interview the next day.

Beautiful sleep for a beautiful me!
14. The next day I woke up early and made plans to to the office 2 hours before my interview.

The early bird gets the worm!
15. Before I left my mother made me a nice cup of tea and prayed for me.

Sweet mother!
16. After waiting for about an hour I was invited in for my interview.

Finally!
17. That was the beginning of my trouble.

Na wa oh!
18. Everything was going well for the first few minutes of the interview.

This job is mine!
19. Then all of a sudden, my stomach started making one funny noise.

Ah! God don’t let my enemies disgrace me.
20. The interviewer was looking at me like:

“What is this one?”
21. Before I could answer another question, one funny noise came from my stomach, followed by a strong smell.

Ahhhh!
22. My interviewer looked like he was about to pass out.

God oh!
23. I didnt know if I should pretend I had no idea of what was happening or start begging.

What should I do?
24. After struggling for another minute, my stomach made another sudden sound followed by an even worse smell.

Wow! So this is how my enemies set leg for me?
25. At that point my interviewer quickly ended the interview and opened his windows.

See disgrace!
26. I ran out of the office full of shame and embarrassment.

Is this my life?
27. When I got home and told my mum, she said “ah maybe it’s because of the detox tea I gave you before you left”.

What?
28. Needless to say I didn’t get the job.

Shame!
29. And I no longer trust anything my mother gives me to eat or drink before I need to go somewhere important!

No thanks!

Jola Ayeye

October 13, 2016

General

Funny, Job, Job Hunt, Job Interview, Story, work
So a few days after I got paid I was feeling like a boss.

Biggest babe!
And I decided that I was going to treat myself to a shopping spree.

Because I’ve got money!
So I walked into a store that I had admired from afar with confidence and pride.

Swaggiest baby girl in the nation!
I looked at the prices of one or two things and realised that I could really go on a spree.

YESSSS!!
So I picked up about 12 items and then went to the dressing room to do my own personal fashion show.

I was looking too fabulous.
Because I’m such a hottie almost all the clothes fit me really well.

I mean what did you expect.
When I came out I caught 2 of the sales girl giving me a side eye.

Ahn ahn?
I started to get the vibe that they felt their shop was too good for me.

Ok. Very what? Very good
I knew I was going to show them.

Because shame to bad people!
So I carried my items with me and cat-walked again to the till.

Because I’m that chick!
The sales girl started checking out the clothes and that’s where my problem started.

Sigh!
All of a sudden I started seeing big big numbers on the till.

Eh!
Apparently the first outfit I had picked was from the 70% off sales rack.

Ah!
As I figured this out the number on the till was still rising.

Oh my God!
So I started forming like there were things I didn’t notice about the clothes.

Yes oh!
First I said I wanted to know if they had one dress in a different colour.

“Maybe aquamarine fondant yellow or burnt iced red.”
Then I said one suit had an odd fit.

“The trousers are a bit too snug around my hips.”
Then I said one skirt was too short.

“I just don’t want to be indecent.”
Meanwhile the other sales girls were looking at me like:

What a shame!
I ignored them and continued my nonsense till I had reduced my items to two..

Yup!
And the only reason I didn’t go down to one was so I wouldn’t be such a blatant cheapskate.

Before those sales girls start laughing at me.
So I happily handed over my card only for it to be declined!

Hay God!
They tried again, and the same thing happened.

Why me?
I just had to mumble excuses and run out of there with whatever shame I had left.

Very fast!
And till date I have not been able to go back into that store!

Because once bitten, twice shy.

Jola Ayeye

August 22, 2016

General

boutique, clothes, Fashion, Funny, Story
So when I was in primary 2 I was in love.

Best boy!
I fell in love with one small rascal in my class, Ladi.

My boo!
Ladi was the class sweetheart. All the girls in our class were chasing him like:

Greedy girls oh! All of them!
But I was the smartest, cutest, most beautiful, amazing little girl in primary 2.

Most fabulous!
So I told him he was my boyfriend by force and he agreed.

“We must be together!”
We used to share our snacks during break time.

Every single day!
When it was time to play games we would partner with each other.

Of course, before another girl will start playing with him oh!
And we used to sit beside each other during art class.

Picasso and Van Gogh!
We were very happy.

Very very happy!
But then I was sick and had to stay at home for a few days.

A serious case of cough and cold.
When I came back from my sick bed I was in for a shock!

Hmm! You people come and see something!
Ladi my true love, was sharing his ribena and biscuit with my best friend Ireti!

Betrayers!
I couldn’t focus when we were doing multiplication.

Who can multiply when their heart is broken?
When we were doing comprehension and composition I was still in shock.

How could they do that to me?
For 3 days I could not watch cartoons or play outside.

I was just thinking about my life!
But then two Saturdays after, at a birthday party, I won the dancing competition and Ireti was crying because she lost so I was happy!

I am still the queen!

Jola Ayeye

August 3, 2016

General

best friend, crush, Funny, School, Story
So a few months after my 18th birthday I decided that I was now a big babe with mind.

I’m grown now and nobody can tell me what to do!
And so I made plans with my friends to go for a late night party.

No dulling!
I knew my parents would not allow me to go.

“Go to where? It’s like you are not okay.”
So I made plans with my best friends to sneak out of the house.

As per Jamesina Bond!
And be back in before 5:30 when my parents wake up.

No one would ever know!
The great day (abi night) came.

I dressed up in my “baddest babe in Nigeria” outfit.

Yasss!!
Made sure my make up was on fleek.

Very subtle look.
That’s how I got downstairs to the sitting room and saw my mother.

EWO!
But wait, there’s more oh!

Ahn ahn!
Her whole women’s fellowship was there, doing prayer meeting!

I am in big trouble!
I was there in my bad gang clothes and make up.

Which kind of explanation can I even try and explain?
Stammering and sweating…

“G-g-good afternoon I m-mean g-good evening ma!”
That was how I joined our church’s women’s group that very night.

Yes oh!
And ended up doing prayer meeting while my friends grooved the night away.

“Somebody say Amen!”
I also had to apologise to my mother almost everyday for six months!

“Plis ma it was devil oh!”
Any small thing “is that not how you wanted to do night waka waka?”

Ahn ahn!
“Children of these days have spoiled!”

Okay oh!
I wish I could say I learned my lesson…

For where?
I just learned to be more careful!

“I ain’t sorry!”

Jola Ayeye

July 29, 2016

Oldies

Children, Funny, house party, mother, Parents, Story
My parents are quite strict, so when I got to University I decided to really enjoy myself!

Time to let loose!
Going out late.

Fun times.
Eating what I liked when I liked.

Sweet food!
One day, one fine 300 level guy I had become friendly with asked me out.

Fine boy!
Me, on the outside:

Cool. Calm. Collected.
Me, on the inside:

OMG! OMG! OMG!
The day of the date I was so excited.

So excited!
I wore my favourite dress, highest shoes and looked like a bad ass.

Really feeling myself!
Everything was going great; the conversation, the ambience.

This is excellent!
After a while the waiter started walking towards us with our food.

Finally!
Out of nowhere, this man tripped!

HAYYYY!!
And I was covered in a shower of rice and stew, plantain and chapman.

I was wearing what I was supposed to eat.
My date had a blank stare on his face for about 3 seconds.

“What just happened?”
Then he started laughing!

Oh my God!
I was so embarrassed! And I think 2 grains of rice were stuck in my false eyelashes

Let the floor swallow me please. Its better!
I almost started crying but I had to hold it all in.

As per form big girl.
I didn’t even get a kiss goodbye from my date!

So I will stain his outfit with stew abi? No way oh!
Me whenever my friends suggest we go back to that restaurant:

So my shame can be complete abi? Useless people

Jola Ayeye

July 27, 2016

General

Accident, Date, Food, Funny, love, romance, Story

This is a story of the time I saw a goat fly.

And I’m not even talking the “Greatest Of All Time” aka GOAT kind of goat that you would call this guy:

I mean, quite literally, a goat. Ewu. Ewure. Horns, hooves and all, like this guy:

I live on the first floor of a building and there’s this one goat that always comes to disturb my trash.

One day, I came home to find the goat at it again.

Something that was like this before:

Was already looking like this:

I just snapped.

I chased the goat and it ran upstairs to the second floor.

Me I was already thinking, “Mumu, there’s nowhere for you to go now. I will turn you into pepper soup this night”.

But I think the goat was already thinking:

That was how it climbed to the balcony, stood on the railing and jumped!

Fam, this goat jumped two floors, landed on the ground, then looked at me like:

Me I was just looking like:

All the people I told did not now believe me.

They were now looking at me like:

Since then, I’ve seriously been questioning my life’s existence.

Please, fam, tell me you believe me! Before I go and check myself into Aro.

More Zikoko!

I love my mother.

I mean, the woman gave me life, what’s not to love?

But I had never actually TOLD my mother I love her.

I was bored and playing with her jewellery.

As I was playing, one of her necklaces did “krin”

I jejely put it back and started praying that she won’t find out.

But of course she did. And the devil was looking at me like:

She beat me in stages. First the slap:

Then she removed slippers:

Then she beat me with the slippers:

At first I thought I could chest it.

But when I could not hold it anymore I had to let it all out.

That was how I started to shout, “I love you mummy! I will not do it again!”

She just looked at me like:

Then she said, “I love you too that’s why I’m beating you”

When she finished beating me she now asked, “Do you still love me?”

I didn’t even know how to respond.

I cried at the end of this story, but you will laugh at the end of this one:

My people, it is not easy being a confam baby boy.

You’ve got to get all the girls tripping from a mile away.

When they see you coming, they have to feel your hawtness instantly.

So that before you even start to talk to them they’ll just be like:

But living that “always on fleek” life is not easy o.

And sometimes, life will just come and mess up something for you.

That was how one day I was cruising around by my baby boy self. Doing some Yoruba demon prowling. You know. Regular stuff.

Then I spotted this fiiiiiiiine chick!!

I was like:

And as the on fleek baby boy that I am, I walked up to her and instantly laid down my moves.

I knew my shit was already working cause she was looking at me like:

We went to one secluded garden place and sat on a bench.

That was how, ten minutes into the talk I started feeling something moving inside my leg. But I shook it off.

Then suddenly, something chooked me inside my leg. I did not want to jump and scratch it so I just used guy.

That’s how I now used my phone light to check the bench and saw all the ants holding themselves on top of it:

I could not hold myself. I jumped from the bench and screamed. The babe was looking at me like this:

I forgot I was outside. I removed my clothes so fast I could have won a world record.

When I finished checking that the ants were no longer in my clothes. I dressed up again and just left the place.

I didn’t bother to get the girl’s number. I didn’t need any reminders of that embarrassing moment.

All through that week I really sat down to think about this my baby boy life.

But no, I cannot stop. I’m a Baby Boy For Life!

Maybe I wouldn’t have had such a bad toasting experience though if I had read this next post on how to toast Naija boy style.

We’ve all told lies at one point or the other in our lives.

The fact is though, regardless of whatever size of the lie, some people are really good at lying while others simply suck. This is a story of how I sucked at lying to my mother and how that shit backfired.

One beautiful Saturday morning when I was in primary 3, I found a one naira coin under our living room couch.

Mother instantly gave me the eye.

Then she was like, “Is it your own?”

The next Monday, I took Old Herb to school.

After school, I stopped by the little kiosk outside the school gate and bought one stick of robot bubble gum.

But I was very happy with my purchase.

I chewed my robot gum with pride and skipped all the way back home.

Immediately my mother saw me, she looked at me like:

At first, I feigned ignorance.

But my mother was like:

So I told her I was chewing gum.

Things escalated pretty quickly from there.

All the shouting started to make my head turn and ruined my focus.

Before I knew it, I told her I hadn’t collected the gum from anybody.

Then her face went like this:

At this moment, I knew I was in too deep and there was no going back.

When I told her I bought the gum from the kiosk in school, she looked at me like:

I knew I was in trouble when she started to laugh like this:

I jejely carried myself to face the wall for my beating.