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3. Them, immediately you start talking about yourself
How dare you stop talking about them?
4. How they look at you when you’re slaying
So much hate!
5. The only way they know to give you a compliment
They can’t see anything good.
6. This is basically how they describe your friendship with them
As per, it’s not that deep.
7. How they end every sentence now that they’ve hammered
As if God won’t do it for the rest of us.
8. Whenever you tell them to invite you to an event
Because they don’t want you to win at life.
9. How they wish you happy birthday every year
That’s if they remember sef.
10. How they react when you try to borrow something from them
As if you asked them to give you one kidney.
11. How they act when you stylishly ask them to return what you lent them
On top your own thing o!
12. Them, when you try to talk about your life problems
Just carry your problems to Jesus.
13. When you correct them for doing something wrong
Sorry is not in their dictionary.
14. The only thing they talk about all the time
The haters are kuku invisible.
15. You, when you realise they’re just a bad belle person
Carry your wahala and go abeg!
This is post is brought to you by MAGGI @ 50
The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead.
Clink the link below to learn more.
You might be a Nigerian jollof fan or a Ghanaian jollof fan. You might think that Jamie Oliver’s jollof was on point or you might believe it was disgusting. You might not even like jollof rice (what is wrong with you?). But you have to agree that jollof rice is important.
So this World Jollof Rice Day (yes, this is a thing), MAGGI Nigeria and Kitchen Butterfly have organised a special event to celebrate World Jollof Day. Here’s what’s going down:
1. A Jollof Rice exhibition.
Involving food art from super-creative Haneefah Adams (@muslimahanie) and the winners of the Instagram Photo Contest for World Jollof Rice Day.
2. A lesson on the history of Jollof Rice.
For those of you who want to know were jollof comes from (hint: heaven).
3. A chat with the convener of the first Wolof/Jolof Exhibition.
His name is Folakunle Oshun and he’s a sculptor. And a jollof rice lover.
4. A book meet on “Jollof Rice in Literature.”
Who knew that jollof rice was so deep?
Wana Udobong, Ozoz Sokoh and Amanda Chukwudozie will be discussing Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie, Without a Silver Spoon by Eddie Iroh and other books. Eghosa Imasuen, author of fine boys will moderate and they’ll discuss themes like the cultural significance of Jollof, Jollof Rice across ethnic and socioeconomic barriers and Jollof as comfort food.
(Seriously though, who knew?)
5. An actual meal of Jollof Rice from Ghana High
Now you’re talking!
6. And finally, the after-party!
Because ain’t no party like a Jollof party…
7. And it’s going down this Sunday 21st August…
… at Whitespace (58 Raymond Njoku, Ikoyi, Lagos) between 4 and 7 pm. They said you should come hungry, we agree!
The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead.
Clink the link below to learn more.
You know her as mother of the great Fela, but she was much more than that. A great advocate for women’s rights, Kuti led more than 10,000 women in a protest against native authorities at the palace of the Alake of Egbaland in 1949, causing him to relinquish his crown for a bit.
2. Yaa Asantewaa: Queen Mother of Ashante Kingdom.
Born in 1840, Yaa Asantewaa became famous for leading the Ashanti rebellion against British colonialism to defend the Golden stool- a symbol of the Asante Kingdom- from Frederick Hodgson, then Governor-General of The Gold Coast.
3. Queen Aminatu: Warrior of Zazzau.
Born around 1533 in Zazzau (now Zaria), Amina was a fearsome warrior with a great army and empire. Her story inspires the fantasy series: Xena, The Warrior Princess.
4. Moremi Ajasoro: Olori of Ile-Ife.
Married to King Oranmiyan, this brave queen risked her life by going undercover to learn the secrets of the tribe terrorizing her people.
5. Ana de Sousa Nzinga Mbande: Ngola of Ndongo
Some say she was a queen, others believe she was a ruthless ‘king’! At the turn of the 17th century, Nzinga fearlessly and cleverly fought for the freedom of her kingdom from the Portuguese, who were colonizing the area now known as Angola.
6. Winnie Madikizela-Mandela
Born 1936, South Africa’s first black professional social welfare worker chose to struggle for equality and justice for all people in South Africa. After her marriage to Nelson Mandela in 1958, she suffered harassment, imprisonment, and periodic banishment for her continuing involvement in the struggle against apartheid.
7. Flora Nwapa: Mother of modern African literature.
Born 1934, Nwapa’s ‘Efuru’ was the first book written by a Nigerian woman. Flora unarguably paved the way for a generation of African women writers. ‘Efuru’ (1966), is based on an old folktale of a woman chosen by the gods.
8. Chioma Ajunwa-Opara, MON.
Chioma was the first West African woman, as well as the first Nigerian, to win an Olympic gold medal in a track and field event when she emerged victorious in the women’s long jump event at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta.
9. Margaret Ekpo: Political activist.
Born in Cross River in 1914, Ekpo was among the first wave of Nigerian women in politics. She was known for attending political rallies, and unionizing women to fight for their rights.
10. Miriam Makeba: Mama Africa.
Widely known for her incredible voice and music, Makeba was also a political activist. In 1963 she testified against apartheid before the United Nations. As a result the South African government revoked her citizenship and right of return. She stayed in America and married Stokely Carmichael, a Black Panther leader.
This is post is brought to you by MAGGI @ 50:
The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead. Click the link below to learn more.
This Twitter account @SeeMeSeeNigeria, compiles the most interesting facts in Nigerian history. We compiled these awesome pictures from Nigeria’s past that we weren’t taught in school. Thank us later for this lesson in history.
1. The oldest record of Efik language in written form.
The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead. Click the link below to learn more.
1. When she calls you to assist her in the kitchen:
Hello ma there is no need to shout I’m here.
2. When she feels you aren’t eager enough to sweat and suffer in the kitchen
You better open those your teeth and be happy to be part f the process oh!
3. But when you are excited to learn, she’s like:
Let’s go!!
4. When she get’s angry with you for not being able to do something you’ve never done before.
But mummy I’ve never done this before how am I supposed to know how?
5. When you know how to do some things without tutoring, your mother is like:
Ehen! That’s my child!
6. How she looks at you when you forget to add MAGGI:
Mummy plis don’t kill me.
7. Her reaction when you add too much salt:
“And you know your father already has high blood pressure kuku kill all of us.”
8. When she starts gisting you about something random while you’re cutting pepper.
You have to be too careful not too laugh too much and cut yourself.
9. You cutting onions:
Tears everywhere!
10. Your mother cutting onions:
Always cool, calm and collected!
11. When she holds a hot cooking spoon barehanded like it’s nothing:
Is she superwoman? She must be superwoman!
12. When you try to do the same thing:
“It’s not that it’s paining me, water just likes coming out of my eyes.”
13. Your mother when you take the pot off the fire too early:
“So we should eat raw food because you want to finish on time abi?”
14. Her reaction when you forget the pot on the fire:
“Please explain to me where I got you from.”
15. When you follow all her instructions but the food is not sweet.
Which kind of problem is this?
16. How your mother watches your movements in the kitchen:
Please don’t kill yourself on my watch oh!
17. When you try to make a suggestion.
“Now you know more than me abi!”
18. When your suggestion works she’s like:
“Ahhhhh okay I see.”
19. When you misbehave after messing up in the kitchen your mother is like:
“You kuku don’t know how to do anything”
20. When you finally master something she taught you, you’re like:
I am now the master!
21. And she’s like:
But all jokes aside, Nigerian mothers are the best and as MAGGI turns 50, we want to celebrate the women who have been using MAGGI to create amazing meals for their loved ones.
The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead.
Clink the link below to learn more.
1. Milly Rock – The dance you have to do on every block.
2. Dabbing – The dance that had ben destroyed by humanity far and wide.
3. Nae-Nae – The cutest dance ever!
4. Jerk – The dance only “I Just Got Back” people were doing.
5. Crank That Soulja Boy – Some of us studied this dance like homework.
6. Azonto – The dance Nigerians stole from Ghanaians and then perfected.
7. Twerking – the dance Yoruba church aunties have been doing since time began.
8. The schmoney dance – Bobby Schmurda’s masterpiece.
9. The stanky leg – The dance that only makes sense if you have none!
10. Galala – The Nigerian two-step.
11. Shakitibobo – Olamide’s contribution to party lovers worldwide!
12. Shoki – The owambe favourite!
13. Makossa – The waist breaking dance.
14. Dutty Wine – Please make sure your wig is secure before attempting this one sha.
15. Lean Back – The laziest dance in the history of mankind!
16. Single Ladies – Beyonce’s lie-lie dance.
17. Alanta – The scariest looking dance in the world.
Ok it’s time to put these dance moves to work! Stand a chance to win N10million from Maltina Dance All by downloading the theme song and uploading a video of yourself dancing to it. Click the video below to learn more.
The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead. Click the link below to learn more.
1. When you realise your parents are having a disagreement.
Which kind of wahala is this one now?
2. When your mother comes to report your father to you.
How is this one my business now?
3. When your father comes to report your mother to you.
Oh you too?
4. When they are both shouting over you but you can’t leave because they will now face you.
So I should just stay here and be looking?
5. When either of them try to get you to be on their side, you’re like:
Please don’t involve me in your domestic squabble. Thanks!
6. When they start using style to bribe you for your support.
That’s when both of them know how to give you anything you want!
7. When they are arguing about you or your siblings.
So that is why somebody cannot hear word?
8. You, to the parent that is on your side:
The best parent in the whole world.
9. How you and your siblings have to tiptoe around the house so you don’t collect misplaced anger:
Please oh!
10. When you see either of your parents coming to look for even more support.
I’m not around oh, please!
11. When you try to settle the argument and you end up stressed:
Because you just wanted to help people oh!
12. When they settle their quarrel and then turn on you together.
Wow! Such betrayal!
This is post is brought to you by MAGGI @ 50:
The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead. Click the link below to learn more.
1. How people react when they hear your name the first time:
Their brain is already frying.
2. Your face, whenever someone tries to pronounce your name:
Chai!
3. When someone asks if you have “an easier name”.
You will learn today.
4. You, calculating how much time you spend sounding out your name for people:
Wasting my life.
5. When you still have to spell it for them right after pronouncing it.
STRESS!
6. When people still get your name wrong after you’ve corrected them a million times.
Are you mad ni?
7. When people give you a nickname you hate against your will.
Did I send you?
8. When a teacher hesitates during roll call and you know they are about to destroy your name.
Hay God!
9. You, whenever someone says “sorry if I butcher your name”:
Save your sorry.
10. When they correct you when you say “Susan” wrong, but can’t get “Kunle” right.
See your life.
11. When you can’t even remember the true pronunciation of your own name again.
Everybody has already scattered it for you.
12. Your face, whenever someone asks what your name means:
You can like to mind your business.
13. When you stop telling people your name first and just start spelling it.
No energy, abeg.
This is post is brought to you by MAGGI @ 50:
The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead. Clink the link below to learn more.
Nobody knows who exactly invited him but he’s sha there and there’s nothing anybody can do about it!
3. The professional groomsman.
Always the groomsman, never the groom. At this point being a groomsman could be his job!
4. The one that keeps forgetting he is married.
Flirting with everyone, collecting numbers and making sure all the fine girls are ok… meanwhile his wife is waiting for him to bring her drink oh!
5. The eligible bachelor.
Funny AND smart AND employed AND handsome. A rare specie.
6. The groom’s baby cousin.
This one thinks he is old enough to chat to all the babes at the wedding. Meanwhile he’s like 15 oh!
7. The “once upon a time” eligible bachelor.
A couple hundred weddings ago he was the eligible bachelor but now… not so much.
8. The local champion.
The life of the party!
9. The “artsy” guy.
Wore a tie-dye agbada to the wedding with hand-made sandals. In his spare time he meditates at Freedom Park.
10. The rowdy noisemaker.
Him and his crew of scallywags have cornered half of the alchohol at the wedding and just sit in one area making noise and pointing at all the pretty girls.
This is post is brought to you by MAGGI @ 50
The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead.
Clink the link below to learn more.
Nigeria is seriously stunning, and if you rolled your eyes at that statement, these pictures taken by our fellow Nigerians with the TECNO Camon C9 should easily convince you.
1. This flawless picture of the Mapo Hall in Ibadan:
2. Another picture of the Mapo Hall, because it’s just that beautiful:
3. This beautiful shot of the Abuja National Mosque:
4. This wonderful picture of the must-see Zuma rock in Abuja:
5. This breathtaking image of the Gurara Falls in Niger State:
6. The lush landscapes in the beautiful city of Kaduna:
7. This glorious picture of the Ferris wheel at the Polo Park Mall, Enugu:
8. This impossible shot of the Ngwo Pine Forest in Enugu:
9. This gorgeous aerial shot of Lagos:
10. This beautifully constructed building in Victoria Island, Lagos:
11. Another breathtaking aerial shot of Lagos, because Lagos:
12. This stunning shot of the Okpu-Oku stream in Enugu:
13. This amazing picture of Lagos’ Third Mainland bridge:
14. This flawless image of Agodi Parks & Gardens in Ibadan:
15. This wonderful shot of the National Arts Theatre in Lagos:
So, if you want to have a camera that takes flawless pictures like these, get the TECNO Camon C9 and stop carrying last.
When you think Sansa Stark, you can’t help but think ‘SUFFERING’. Seriously, when your childhood crush kills your father, it can only go downhill from there. So, who better to play the frustrated Stark than the ever-crying Nkiru Sylvanus?
2. Patience Ozokwor as Cersei Lannister
We all know that Cersei Lannister is next-level wicked and no Nollywood actor can play wickedly protective mother quite like Patience Ozokwor. So, why mess with a formula that works?
3. Osita Iheme as Tyrion Lannister
What Tyrion lacks in size he makes up for in serious wit, and how many Nollywood actors can claim to have played as many wickedly clever characters as Osita Iheme. It really doesn’t hurt that they are about the same height.
4. Pete Edochie as Tywin Lannister
Tywin Lannister was the wealthiest man in the seven kingdoms, and one of the wisest. The only difference we can spot between him and Pete Edochie’s typical characters is that while Tywin was just the hand to the king, Pete Edochie would actually be the king.
5. O.C. Ukeje as Jon Snow
Jon Snow (everyone’s favorite character) is the pretty loverboy with a lot to prove to his family, if you can’t see the charming O.C Ukeje playing this role, we don’t know for you again.
6. Emeka Ike as Joffrey Baratheon
Joffrey Baratheon was probably the most hated character in television history. He was cowardly, annoying and spoilt, three traits Emeka Ike would really have no trouble playing.
7. Van Vicker as Jaime Lannister
Jaime Lannister is brave, handsome and more than a little twisted (*side-eye’s incest*). He isn’t meant to be as likable as he is but he pulls it off, and that is very Van Vicker.
8. Kanayo O. Kanayo as Stannis Baratheon
Last time we saw Stannis Baratheon he was sacrificing his daughter to the Lord of Light for a chance at the Iron Throne. If that doesn’t scream Kanyo O. Kanayo to you. you really should watch more Nollywood movies.
9. Nse Ikpe-Etim as Daenerys Targaryen
Daenerys Targaryen is equal parts strong and compassionate, and we can’t think of anyone more suited to the title of “Mother of Dragons” than the enchanting Nse Ikpe-Etim.
10. Majid Michel as Petyr Baelish
Petyr Baelish is insanely ambitious and extremely cunning, willing to do anything for power. If you’ve ever watched a movie with Majid Michel, you’d know he is the perfect fit.
11. Mercy Johnson as Lysa Arryn
Lysa Arryn was the overlooked sister of Catelyn Stark and the tremendous Mercy Johson has built a formidable career on playing the ugly duckling.
12. John Okafor as Lord Varys
Lord Varys is extremely sneaky and occasionally hilarious not unlike John Okafor. It doesn’t hurt that they both have the same size potbellies.
13. Joseph Benjamin as Robb Stark
We didn’t realize how much we really liked Robb Stark until he was gone and we can’t think of a better actor to capture his quiet intensity.
14. Olu Jacobs as Ned Stark
Ned Stark’s nobility might have been his undoing in the end but that trait is exactly what Olu Jacobs brings to every character he plays.
15. Joke Sylva as Catelyn Stark
Catelyn Stark was the strong-willed wife of Ned Stark. So, it’s only right we cast the supremely-talented real life wife of Olu Jacobs.
16. Jim Iyke as Ramsay Bolton
Which other Nollywood actor can you picture torturing their prisoner into submission beside the sly looking Jim Iyke?
Although all we can do is imagine our nollywood stars playing Game of Thrones characters, THE REAL season 6 of Game of Thrones is coming back with a bang!
Game of Thrones Season 6 is coming | Exclusive to MNet Edge!
Great News for Premium subscribers on DStv – the 6th season of the highly-anticipated, award-winning show, Game of Thrones is almost here. The new 6th season of the fantasy drama series set in the land of Westeros will be seen exclusively on MNet Edge Channel 119 on DStv (Express from the US) on Tuesday 26 April at 1am – meaning the 6th season premiere of Game of Thrones will be shown early hours of Tuesday 26 April.
DStv Explora subscribers who can’t stay awake for the season premiere at 1am, can set their PVRs to record the season and watch it anytime or catch prime time on Thursday 28 April at 10pm.
The wait for your favourite show is almost over and will be full of suspense with the fate of the show’s characters up in the air.
Don’t miss all the action, adventure and drama of Game of Thrones Season 6 on MNet Edge Channel 119, the home of HBO in Africa and exclusive to Premium subscribers. So make sure you stay connected on DStv and Premium bouquet.
Log on to www.dstv.com for more information, and ensure that you activate parental control to restrict viewing as this series is not for persons under the age of 18.
If you’ve ever attend a Nigerian party, you’ll know how extravagant, amusing and flamboyant they can be!
Here are 12 pictures that prove that no one else can throw a party like Nigerians can!
1. The divine taste of party jollof rice, small chops and assorted meat.
My stomach has found its soulmate and it’s Nigerian party food.
2. When everybody dresses like they are on their way to meet the president of Nigeria.
We must dress for inauguration, Oscars, Grammys, AMVCAs and MAMAs all in one night!
3. And some Nigerians will come ready to out-dress the host.
Sister, iz okay. Your own will come soon.
4. How everyone turns up when their favourite Nigerian banger comes on.
Once you hear “Sarz on the beat” or “It’s Young Jon the Wicked Producer”! It is lit!!
5. When they bring out the talking drums and the band starts to hail you.
Let it rain!
6. And if it’s your own party, you know you’re about to make some moneyyyy!
Plix, I only take dollars at this time. Tenks.
7. How some people will be arguing over party pack.
Ahn ahn… all because of party pack?
8. And those people that will be hiding food in Nylon bag!
Yes we know the food is delicious but NYLON!!? Upon all the Hermes bag you’ve been carrying!
9. And we absolutely love to have a photoshoot for every party we throw.
Just passed your first year in university? Photo shoot.
Promotion at work? Photo shoot.
Getting married? Pre-wedding shoot of course!
10. And even at your graduation party, you can get Nigerian celebs to come through, perform and slay lives.
Whether A-list, B-list, C-list or No-list at all, every photo-op is necessary.
11. Only Nigerians can have a themed-party for a wedding.
Amusement park meets wedding.
12. And if you are single and attending a Nigerian party, you just might get seized!
Soon you’ll be throwing your own Nigerian party that has Zero Competition! Don’t forget to serve Orijin Zero!
The life of a Nigerian man isn’t always easy, we know. Here are 13 tough situations every man has experienced in his life. You can either be bold, or you can be bold. Those are your options.
1. When you see a fine girl and attempt to flirt
So suave… so apt…so brilliant…NOT.
2. When you finally make her your boo and she takes you to meet her father for the first time
But he looks like Pete Edochie..
3. When you enter her house and her father sets the dog on you
The God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego will save me.
4. When she sees a text from another girl and you have to start explaining
Time to bring out the lies and apologies.
5. When you have to tell your parents that you want to study music not medicine
After they sent you abroad with all this exchange rate drama!!
6. And you tell them you don’t want to have children and they call a family meeting
Mum: “So this is how my enemies will destroy me!!”
7. When you talk back to your mother
“Will you shut up your mouth?!”
8. When your parents ask you to do something and you stupidly ask why
? You know you deserved that answer sha.
9. When you drive your father’s car without permission and bash it
Can Jesus just come back today please?
10. When LASTMA stops you
Is LASTMA your mate?
11. When agberos approach you
Will you form hard guy? Or will you run?
12. When your mother and wife are fighting and you have to pick a side
Is it not better to just leave them there to fight?
13. And when you boldly confess to your wife that you don’t like her food
There are so many scientific theories that have impacted our lives today; from the general and special theory of relativity, to the Laws of Motion etc.
But have you ever applied these scientific theories to our experiences as Africans??
1. The Theory of Immovability.
This theory states that African Presidents who have spent more than 10 years in office are likely to never leave office…unless God or death… See Gaddafi, Mugabe etc. We are just saying oh!
2. The Speed of the Flying Slap.
While the speed of light is approximately 3.00×108 m/s, every African child knows that when you dare talk back to your African mother, the speed of her flying slap is at least 2 times the speed of light.
3. What is the correct Theory of Quantum Gravity Jollof Rice?
We may never know. In the last few decades, researchers have pursued the problem of every country insisting their Jollof is better. The results have been inconclusive. Ghanaian, Gambian or Nigerian? Who knows?!
4. African Presidents’ First Law of Motion.
Every African president remains in a state of constant motion unless an external force is applied to it – like reelection. Or international crisis.
5. The Relationship Complexity.
The Relationship Complexity simply states that an ex who dumped you and/or has moved on never sees you on the day you’re well dressed. They’re more likely to see you on the day you look like a housegirl or houseboy.
6. The Quantum Theory of African Happiness.
Every African remains impermeable to suffering and pain. We smile through it all. Forex tanking, smile. Oil crisis, smile. Use an American man to portray an African man, beaming smile.
7. Oxygen Theory of Body Odour.
The intensity of the heat in a public transport vehicle is directly proportional to the amount of body odour one is likely to suffer.
8. Information Theory of Customer Service.
The way to survive as an African making a complaint is to assume that the customer service personnel is NOT there to help you. Always assume that they’re having a bad day. Or exchange fire for fire. That last one is fun.
9. The Running Kenyans Revelation.
The working theory here is that Kenyans (or Ethiopians) are infinitely sustained and speedily drawn to the finish line in a long distance race. Try as you may, you cannot finish before them.
10. The African Market Touch Factor.
The relationship between how many times you’re touched, dragged, asked to buy curtain or called in a Nigerian market is directly proportional to how crowded the market is. In this law the more crowded the market is, the more likely you are to get called ‘Ada’.
11. Nollywood Theory of Impossibility.
Only in Nollywood, Ghollywood and Wakaliwood does the impossible happen so effortlessly. From flying bullets grazing the arm but the bleeding coming from the stomach. And a ghost wearing a wristwatch.
12. The PHCN Disappointment Theory.
PHCN Disappointment Theory revolves around the notion that Nigerians who build decisions such as cooking or ironing around PHCN light will ultimately be disappointed – while sweating. This theory has been utilized in examining such diverse decision-making processes as not ironing or charging your phone immediately they bring light because you think it will last etc.
13. The Sunday Rice Hypothesis.
The probability of you as an African eating rice on a sunday as opposed to anything else is 500 billion:1. No one is cooking you anything else abeg. Please sit down.
14. The African Dance Permeation.
Every year, across Africa, there is always a new wave of dancing. We started from the Alanta and yahooze to skelewu and azonto and we are now at the shoki and shakitibobo dance era. Dabbing may be included too.
In the words of twitter theorist, @boozebumps, most Africans have attended the Keshi Shaolin Temple of the Higher Shoki.
15. The Ice Cream – Cookie Container Duality Equation.
Ice cream and cookie containers have found dual uses in African households. Every African child knows that that ice cream container probably contains egusi and the cookie container most likely contains sewing materials.
Hope for cookie/Ice cream α 1/betrayal
16. The Career Optionality Factor.
Your career path must be along the lines of medicine, law, engineering, politics or a disgrace to the family.
17. The Work Experience Conundrum.
As a young African, the reality almost always hits you around the age of 21/22 that you need work experience to get the job and you need a job to get work experience.
18. The Nigeria-Zimbabwe Exchange Rate Similarity.
When the Zimbabwean currency was depreciating, Nigerians had jokes. Naturally. But now we are in a similar currency condition. The Zimbabwean dollar and the Nigerian Naira are roughly proportional in value.
19. The Law of Impossible Expression of Affection.
Your parents will never literally tell you they love you because they believe feeding you is the ultimate show of love and affection.
We know the bible can be pretty difficult to accurately interpret. Some people say the Old Testament laws don’t count anymore, but others think they still do. So we are asking the bible scholars for help here. We gathered some actions the bible bans both in the old and New Testaments and we’d like to know, are they still sins or not?
1. Checking babes out.
Matthew 5:28:
“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
2. Braiding your hair.
1 Timothy 2:9:
“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”
3. Owning expensive outfits.
1 Timothy 2:9:
“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”
4. Wearing gold.
1 Timothy 2:9:
“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”
5. Eating Bacon or Sausages.
Leviticus 11:4 reads:
“Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.”
6. Wearing fabric blends, so basically everything in your wardrobe.
Leviticus 19:19:
“You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”
7. Gossiping about your colleagues.
Leviticus 19:16:
“Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbor; I am the LORD.”
8. Women speaking in church.
1 Corinthians 14:34:
“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.”
9. Trimming your beard.
Leviticus 19:27:
“Neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.”
10. Eating suya; well, the fat.
Leviticus 3:17:
“It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that ye eat neither fat nor blood.”
11. Tattoos; Sorry, not even one of a cross or a bible verse.
Leviticus 19:28:
“Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.”
12. Eating more than you have to.
Proverbs 23:2:
“. . . And put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.”
So were these laws specific to that time or do you think they still count? Please, sound off in the comments section.
Once you start working, every company starts asking to take some of our hard-earned Naira and put into a pension plan for when we retire.
Now pension companies are asking people who are doing their business to also invest in a pension. But who pension really epp?
Here’s why you shouldn’t take a pension:
1. You’ll live forever and have the same level of energy.
Even Nebuchadnezzar died but let’s move on.
2. The world is coming to an end and saving for a pension is not worth it.
People have been saying the world is coming to end for a long time. Be careful!
3. You children will give you money.
You mean as much money as you’re giving your parents today abi? Give yourself brain o!
4. Things will get cheaper so I’ll have more money.
*Cries in free falling Naira* Since you’ve been born, what has gotten cheaper?!
5. You will marry rich.
All the best. Better marry Yemi from marketing and face your life!
6. Betting is an investment.
Just hope you didn’t put your money on Arsenal winning the Premiership.
7. You will run for a political office.
*Cries in anti-kwaraptian*
8. One Prophet has told you that you will hammer.
I’m so very sorry for you!
9. God will use someone to bless you in old age.
Because, blessing your future by yourself is a sin.
10. You have too many responsibilities.
Nice one. Better become responsible for yourself too.
11. You have 4 side hustles, so why do you need a pension?
You want to work till Jesus comes?
12. Preparing for the future is stress, YOLO.
Retiring into the baby boy/girl lifestyle isn’t stress sha.
13. I’m too young to think about a pension now.
Don’t allow your football age deceive you, you’re not too young for a pension.
Friend, give yourself brain this 2016. Invest in a pension with Premium Pension.
You can spend it in retirement. Worst case scenario, your kids will spend it for you! Premium Pension is also rewarding employees across Nigeria for their dedication and hard work with a campaign called #Reward4dHustle.
Head to http://www.premiumpension.com/work to get involved!
Africa as a continent has a lot of catching up to do with the rest of the science world. Nigerians on Twitter re-imagined Albert Einstein as an African and their tweets were hilarious.
1. We wouldn’t be thanking anybody for bringing Facebook to Nigeria.
But they are still very relevant and making changes in Africa!
What if the next Einstein is African?
Africans are already building solutions to some of the scientific problems troubling the continent.
Join the Movement and call on African governments, leaders of civil society and the private sector and young people to support a new era in science, technology and innovation.
We’re looking for 1 million signatures. Pledge your signature.
Africa hasn’t really invested in science and it shows. Scientists tend to solve problems they know have wide applications in their environments. Because of that, many problems peculiar to Africa have remained unsolved for decades…But imagine if a scientist like Einstein was African, he might work on a whole different set of problems like…
1. An early warning system for when your mum is about to slap you
A way of calculating atmospheric pressure around your mum’s hands and letting you know when it changes so that you know to duck.
2. A ‘love’ potion for African parents
Because African parents will never willingly say I’m sorry OR I love you.
3. A body odour neutraliser
Since everyone has refused to wear deodorant in this heat, we’d have a substance that neutralizes the poisonous body odour from others. Billions of African noses will be saved!
4. A ‘Kini’ translator (mind reading device)
Your Nigerian mother is convinced that you understand what “Bring me my kini” means. Because as far as she is concerned, she gave birth to a mind reader. This device will decode all your mother’s mannerisms to save your African ass from a beating.
5. A Yoruba boy warning system
Since Yoruba boys don’t actually have to be Yoruba boys. You gats be prepared!
6. An African accent identifier
Actor in Hollywood movie speaking in generic African accent:“My name is Babatunde Johnson.”African accent identifier: “This is NOT a Nigerian accent, I repeat, this is NOT a Nigerian accent. Replace actor immediately. Suggestion – David Oyelowo.”
7. Self-cleaning weaves
Because… haba..
8. ‘Two heads’ to help you pass in school
Dad: “Jolade that came first, does she have two heads?”
You:*Heads to Jumia.com to order an extra head ?*
9. Air conditioners that run on ‘I beta pass my neighbour’
Because this heat is demonic..
10. A 24-hour monitoring system for parents and girlfriends
Complete with a voice that says “remember the son of whom you are” everywhere you go.
11. An Oyinbo food Africanizer
For all those times you’re craving real pepper but you’re stuck with the 10th sandwich this week.
12. A makeup face printer
Instead of spending 1 hour to get a beat face, just use this machine to print your make up sharp sharp! Copy and paste.
13. Kenyan running gene transplant
Because Kenyans outrun everybody and other Africans will appreciate getting the Kenyan running gene transplant. Simple.
14. Petrol-to-your-door delivery service
Order online. Delivery within 24 hours depending on distance. Because somebody cannot come and die from queueing in this hot sun abeg!
15. Actual special effects for Nollywood action scenes
Hay God! We can’t continue like this. Look at how they destroyed the Ghanian folktale, Anansi The Spider!?
16. An allergen that makes African presidents allergic to overstaying their term
Because African Presidents who have spent more than 10 years in office are likely to never leave office…unless God or death or allergy… See Gaddafi, Mugabe etc
Now imagine a world where the next Einstein is African
Africa is transforming. Touch screen cardio pads that connect rural citizens to important care. Urine tests that detect malaria. Rapid diagnostic tests that detect Ebola. mPesa and other digital financial platforms that facilitate financial inclusion. Major solar energy projects in Morocco and Rwanda. The light rail in Ethiopia. The Square Kilometre Array, arguably set to be the world’s biggest telescope, in South Africa.
Join the Movement and call on African governments, leaders of civil society and the private sector and young people to support a new era in science, technology and innovation.
We’re looking for 1 million signatures. Pledge your signature.
The Nigerian mother is seriously one of a kind. Her amazing ability to go from whooping your ass with an eba stick to lovingly rubbing your head really needs to be studied.
Although this may seem like a totally random generalization, it’s actually a very valid one. And these tweets and the amount of retweets they gathered in agreement, just further validate that point.
7. When someone complains that the music is too loud.
Are you lost? Do you think this is a library?
8. When the party’s playlist is serious rubbish.
What is this nonsense?
9. When they finally pass you the aux cord.
Very good.
10. When the house party is banging but you came with bae.
See my life.
11. When you want to turn up but everyone is just pressing phone.
Are you people mad?
12. When those annoying people put their phone’s screen brightness on the highest.
How is it doing you people?
13. When you see guys struggling for wall space.
Who are these ones?
14. When a babe says “that’s my seat.”
Na your house?
15. When the light comes on and you see who you’ve been dancing with.
Hay God! See my life outside.
16. When you start feeling sleepy halfway through.
I’m too old for all this rubbish.
17. When you realize the party is actually dead.
Bye Felicia.
Thankfully none of this happens at a Smirnoff House Party and Zikoko is giving out 5 TICKETS to the next #SmirnoffHouse party taking place this Saturday, November 14th.
To win tickets, share this post on your Facebook or Twitter timeline using the hashtags #SmirnoffHouse and #zikoko and tag Zikoko on Facebook (zikokomag) or Twitter (@zikokomag) for a chance to win!
Winners will be randomly selected.
Featured image via DailyMail.
LifeBank is holding the largest blood drive ever in Nigeria to save 3,000 lives in Lagos. But do you know your blood type? And more importantly, can Zikoko guess your blood type?
Take this quiz to find out!
Disclaimer: Please do get tested to know your actual blood type.
Every year thousands of cancer patients, accident victims, pregnant women, children under the age of five, patients suffering from sickle cell anaemia, and surgery patients all die in Nigerian hospitals because of shortage of blood. The problem is so vast that about 26,000 pregnant women alone die each year because of shortage of blood.
Which is why LifeBank is holding the largest blood drive ever in Nigeria to save 3,000 lives in Lagos. LifeBank is doing something to stop deaths due to blood shortage. They’re building a movement of ready young blood donors that will give blood every 3 months to prevent blood shortage related deaths in Nigeria.
Through the blood drive, LifeBank will collect 1,000 pints of blood for women, children and blood dependent patients across Lagos State. So, come have fun, get medical checkups, and save a life or three.
Everybody keeps asking you for job experience, but they will not hire you so you can get the experience.
You see some jobs you clearly don’t qualify for, but you apply for them anyway.
You remember saying your starting salary must be 200k and above, but you are starting to reconsider.
You used to see people walking around with this thing, and you’ve now joined them.
You have been hearing “unpaid internship” up and down, but you’re not that desperate yet.
You have even gone to meet that uncle that promised he’d help you after you graduate, but he is like:
People keep inviting you for job seminars, but you’re just here like:
You have finally resorted to sharing your CV like party pack, “you get a CV, you get a CV, EVERYBODY GETS A CV.”
Your CV is currently on almost every online job site in Nigeria.
Your email is currently filled with messages from them, but you are still jobless.
You stated the kind of jobs you wanted on the sites, but they keep sending you openings that don’t concern you.
You keep seeing job ads on the sites that literally have no details about the job.
You even went for one of the interviews they sent you, but it turned out to be a scam.
You, when they told you to pay before you could apply for the job.
You were so broke you even started considering selling your stuff.
…but then you landed on Efritin.com and saw ‘Job Vacancies’.
You saw ‘verified employers’ and accurate job descriptions.
Now you can search for a proper job without all the unnecessary wahala.
Oya! Quickly go on Efritin.com and start your wahala-free job search now!
Efritin.com, Nigeria’s No.1 marketplace for used goods! Buy and sell everything from used cars to mobile phones and computers, or search for property, jobs and more in Nigeria – for free!
