Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I’ll be recapping the insane article titled, “How Having Your Wife Make Erotic Images Can Bless Your Marriage and Others as Well“.

About the Source

Today’s episode of “So You Don’t Have To” was made possible by Larry Solomon, the deranged self-proclaimed marriage counsellor who has given us other batshit articles like, “How To Groom Your Young Christian Wife“ and “Career Women Are Failures In The Eyes Of God“.

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To back his eventual point, Larry starts the article with a short story he pulled out of his ass titled:

The only rule for this annual art show was that you can look but not touch. Anyone who tried touching was immediately sent out of the exhibition and banned forever. I paused here to think about the many similarities between this fictional exhibition and a strip club. I chuckled quietly to myself and continued reading.

At the next art exhibition, all the men gathered round to see the paintings the artist had sold that year. The man who’d bought the latest painting was present but didn’t bring his painting for others to ogle. It didn’t take long for everyone to notice and ask, “Dude, what the fuck?”. The artist turned to the man and said:

And the story just ends there. I shit you not.

Larry says that because the Song of Solomon 7:1 refers to a woman’s body as a work of art, and works of art are meant to be shown off, that means women’s bodies are meant to be exhibited like art.

He goes on to shade men across religions who insist that their women cover up, calling such hoarding of beauty a travesty. He claims that the only reason a husband will hide his wife’s beauty is if he’s scared of not being able to show her off and protect her from predators at the same time. He then assures such men to stop being pussies because they should be able to do both.

Then Larry hits us with this:

Same, Bey. Same.

Because he knows that a feminist wife would rather swallow knitting needles than film a sex tape for her husband’s friends, Larry makes it clear that this article isn’t for men who have been unsuccessful in grooming their wives. He says it’s for “Christian men who are blessed with submissive wives, yet are afraid to push their wives to a greater level submission.” 

According to Larry Motherfucking Solomon, getting your wife to dress more conservatively is a piece of cake. He says that the true proof of total control over your wife is getting her to strip down for sexy pictures/videos, and be okay with those pictures/videos being shared with your friends.

As to how turning your wife into the star of a modern day peep show will improve your marriage and the lives of others, here’s what Larry has to say:

It’s interesting that accessing this special level of submission does nothing for the wives.

It’s also interesting that Larry doesn’t encourage men to vogue erotically in front of a camera so their wives and other women can watch and exercise their polyandrous nature.

There’s more!

First:

He adds that while you may take requests from other men on what positions they want to see your wife in, you can’t let her know that they are other people’s requests. Because every pose she does is for you and what you do with it is your discretion.

Second:

Because if she flirts with him, she’s relating with a man that’s not her husband (a sin). And no other man must flirt with your wife except you.

Third:

He follows it up by advising men to limit interaction with the wives whose pictures/videos they get so as to avoid flirting with them.

Right behind you, Annalise.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the book titled, “15 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Fornicate.”

The book’s super short opening reads like the author had just encountered his close friends fornicating even though he’d warned them many times about the dangers of it. So he went home and made the decision to write this book.

And you know what? I dig it. Getting straight to the meat of the matter is good.

God does instruct people at some point in the bible to not bump genitals with people they’re not married to. So fair point.

This is where it starts to get good. The author says that fornication affects the soul spiritually but doesn’t explain how. He just says that it’ll cause the fornicator to backslide, and this made me imagine a fornicator doing the moonwalk into hell. He also shades people who go straight from fornication sites (significant other’s house, clubs etc) to church. This reminded me of Shaggy’s “Church Heathen” so I took a break to listen to that.

The explanation here is that when one commits a crime, they’re arrested by the state and punished. So because the bible refers fornication as a sin against the body, God will punish you if you sin against it because the human body is the temple of the Lord.

He says something here about how sex is binding between two people and that the blood shed when a girl’s hymen breaks seals an agreement of some kind. This made me wonder what the rules are when the two people having sex are men.

The author says that fornication turns the bodies of the people who engage in it into meat suit hotels where demons will check in and never leave.

He refers to STDs here and proceeds to list out 10 names of well-known STDs. He then adds that waiting till marriage can save you from STDs and I had to pause here to laugh.

He uses this point to fuel HIV hysteria by calling it a death sentence. He then goes on a strange rant in which he shames the owners of a church he once heard of for having a high percentage of members with HIV.

It’s the way he presents this point that kills me. He talks about a man he once heard of who was in Form 6 while his son was in Form 1. The timeline in this story makes no sense but I’m not going to talk about it more because I’m tired.

He says that pregnancies resulting from fornication always end in abortions (he calls it murder).

I shit you not, the author says that instruments similar to knives and forks are used during abortions to wreck the womb and that leads to the fallopian tubes being tied.

I’m not even touching that one.

This contradicts his previous claim. But whatever I guess.

According to this nigga, every child born of fornication ends up being a menace to society.

Fornication brings slut-shaming.

The hurts and wounds resulting from slut-shaming.

He says fornication is the straw that breaks the camel’s back in unhappy marriages. And I feel like if the marriage was already unhappy, the fornication would’ve done them a favour.

The End

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping an insane article titled, “Career Women Are Failures In The Eyes Of God.”

The author starts the article explaining that when he says career women are failures in the sight of God, he doesn’t mean women who’ve been forced to work.

He then makes it very clear that he’s referring to women who planned to have a career since they were teenagers. He calls them “utter and complete failures” and says they will feel shame when they stand in front of God one day and feel shame about not fulfilling the purpose for which they were created.

He talks about a letter he received from a young woman named Shary. I paused here to laugh because what the fuck kind of name is Shary? Did her parents pick her name by blindfolding themselves and pointing at a random page of a Christopher Pike novel?

Here’s Shary’s letter:

So he gives Shary (and other women who may be in the same position) the worst advice I have ever heard. Worse than the advice from Tyler Perry’s plays. Worse than the terrible advice Toke Makinwa gave that one time (she’s given a lot). Worse than when my secondary school guidance counsellor advised me to go to science class just because I was kinda good at Integrated Science, causing me to struggle for the rest of my academic life.

He quotes Genesis 2:18 to explain why God created women.

He says that women weren’t created to have equal rights like men and pursue careers outside the home. He insists that God wants the life focus of women to be serving their husbands, children, and society. Then he quotes more scripture to support his point.

He talks about the woman referenced in Proverbs 31…

…and says that those who see the woman as biblical career woman are deceiving themselves by intentionally ignoring the command given in Titus 2:5 for women to be keepers of the home.

He pauses here to go on a rant about feminism.

He says that feminism’s biggest lie is convincing women that they can have it all and follow their dreams while also taking care of their husbands and children. He chastises modern-day churches that support feminism for not telling women what he claims is the truth.

He makes reference to women who are “without natural affection.” These women, he says, care more about themselves than anyone else. And will do whatever it takes to further their careers like dropping off their crying infants with nannies and murdering their children (by aborting them).

He ends the article with this:

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping this ABSOLUTELY BONKERS article I found named “7 Steps To Grooming Your Young Christian Wife”.

The original article in a nutshell.

So I was taking a stroll down the murky streets of Twitter a few days when a very kind reader of the”So You Don’t Have To” series sent this article to me. Going by the title alone, I assumed it was satire and the reader just thought I’d enjoy it. As I scrolled through the article, I realised, in horror, that it was no joke.

About The Source

The article “7 Steps To Grooming Your Young Christian Wife” was first published on a website named biblicalgenderroles.com. The site is run by a guy who works in IT during the day and moonlights as a deranged marriage counsellor at night. Using the pen name, Larry Solomon, he dishes out (Tyler Perry levels of) terrible marriage advice to Christian couples who write in seeking his guidance. Just like the guy named Robert who sent this in.

Me reading this:

If you thought that was bad, Larry Solomon’s reply will make your jaw drop. Let’s start with the first part of the article.

Larry starts by saying that whether Robert realises it or not, what he really needs is a tutorial on how to groom his young wife. However, he knows that the word “grooming” sets off many alarms so he proceeds to explain that even though most people associate the word with “paedophiles preying on children, sex traffickers conditioning women for prostitution, or husbands conditioning their wives to allow them to abuse them,” grooming is actually allowed in this case:

Because of Ephesians 5:25-27 where God said:

Girl…

After engaging in incredible stretching feats to “prove” that it’s every husband’s God-given right to groom his wife, he lists out 3 preconditions that must be in place before grooming can take place.

I first read that as “Beliebers” and briefly lost my mind.

I’m guessing biblicist Christian still sacrifice farm animals when they want to appease God.

Hmmmmmmmm.

You see, when a questionable process that a person claims was made by God mysteriously only works on young minds and not older people (i.e people more likely to see through bullshit), that process is in fact bullshit.

*Insert the Law & Order sound*

1) Unlearn What Your Culture Has Taught You: In this, Larry says that for this process to work, both husband and wife have to reject modern society’s adult/child paradigm (children have limited rights until they reach adulthood and then they have full autonomy) and accept the bible’s rule, where only men have full autonomy and women are under the authority of them, the church, and society at large.

2) Learn and Accept Biblical Gender Roles: Women regarding their husbands as their Lords, taking care of the home, being a nun in the streets and a freak in the sheets, etc.

3) Seek Out A Male Spiritual Mentor: Larry says this is to help the husband groom his wife better. But I know it’s so there’s another misogynistic man around to knock “sense” back into the husband if he ever decides to give his wife rights.

4) You Must Teach Your Wife Biblical Gender Roles: Because the bible says wives must learn everything from their husbands, Larry says that after a husband has learned everything about biblical gender roles, he should proceed to indoctrinate his wife.

5) Get Your Wife A Female Spiritual Mentor: To avoid wives getting advice from sensible friends telling them to pack their shit and run for the hills, Larry advises husbands to bring in older women who fully embrace and live out biblical gender roles (i.e old patriarchy princesses) to mentor their wives.

6) Mould Your Wife Into The Glorious Wife You Want Her To Be: I would narrate this point to you but I need you guys to see, for yourselves, how fucking insane it is:

7) Discipline Your Wife: Not only does Larry encourage husbands to discipline their wives, he even offers ways to do it:

Oh wait! There’s more!!

And when asked if he spanks his wife, he says:

He ends the article with this:

With some other stuff about engaging in spiritual battles with your wife if she refuses to be groomed so she’ll never control the marriage.

Me, after reading the entire thing:

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Spiritual Effects of Women Dressing Indecently On Society“

The author starts the book putting women into 2 groups, Deborahs (good Christian woman) and Delilahs (women of the world), and complains that it has gotten incredibly hard to distinguish between the two.

He buttresses his point by saying that Christian women should aim to look different from worldly women because it’s easy to tell, just by looking, the difference between a doctor and a prostitute.

As is custom with the people who write stuff like this, he proceeds to tell a story (in this case, a literal example of “them say, them say”) that ties into the subject matter of the book.

He says he heard the story of a girl named Esther who had just accepted Jesus and was so excited about the prospect of not experiencing an eternity of hot girl summer in hell. Unfortunately for Esther, she attended a church that preached the doctrine of God being more concerned with one’s heart than their appearance so she didn’t know to swap her Brazilian weaves and apple bottom jeans for a scarf and an oversize suit straight out of an Igbo visual album.

However, Esther’s friend had a problem accepting the idea of Esther being a born again Christian and proceeded to laugh at her harder than a hyena on ecstasy. Confused, Esther asked her just what she finds funny and the friend took that as an excuse to go OFF.

So Esther went home that day and “allowed the precious soul to escape from her.”

Even worse, he din’t explain and just ended the story there.

The author shades the churches who teach people the doctrine that was taught the Esther and you just know it took all his energy to not go all out and drop names. Anyways, he says that a good Christian woman serving “Deeper Life chic” with her clothing is important because:

Then he drags Jessica Rabbit.

Unprovoked.

He tells another story. This time, about a teenage boy he once counselled who was addicted to viciously beating the old sausage.

I meant masturbation. In case that wasn’t clear.

According to him, the boy developed this addiction after years of watching porn on his father’s phone. To be clear, this isn’t a case of a curious child secretly using his father’s phone to watch clips from “Nasty Nurses Revenge.” It’s a case of the father downloading “Backdoor Sluts 9: Day of Reckoning” on his phone for his own consumption and then handing said phone to his child to play with. The boy stumbled on the porn, and the rest is history documented in this god awful book.

What comes next in the story will gross even Lars von Trier out.

It’s funny how the man who literally handed porn to his teenage son is criticising his wife for getting dressed in front of said child as if both of them are not mad.

Girl I…

There’s a thing about how women should dress modestly so as not lure men into having sinful thoughts or engaging in fornication. I stopped here to laugh because since when did women dressing modestly stop men from thinking sinful thoughts?

The author ends the book with a list of ways to know if a person isn’t modestly dressed. You have to see this for yourself.

A woman showing her thighs is pure wickedness? Damn.

Chest hair is sexy, huh? Noted.

Girl, bye.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “How To Overcome The Spiritual Dangers Of Sports Betting.”

The book begins with the worst possible definition of sports betting the author could find/put together. He defines it as “the act of consciously risking money or other stakes in the hopes of gaining at someone else’s expense.” He insists that the last part of that definition makes sports betting a sin because it breaks the 8th commandment (Thou shall not steal).

I was still putting together my argument about how it doesn’t qualify as stealing because all the parties involved know the terms and conditions when the author tackled me with the next paragraph.

Apples and Oranges.

The author says that whoever wins a bet is a thief, and whoever loses is guilty of wasting whatever it is they lost (which was given to them by God and pisses him off).

That’s just…wow.

In this chapter, the author lists and explains the things he believes pushes people into the sports betting demonic rabbit hole.

Hmmm. Points were made.

I was expecting this to say that people depressed due to unemployment turn to betting to make ends meet. But excitement? What kind of depressed person thinks gambling will bring them peace?

Whew…the accuracy of this.

Just as it looks like he’s going to end this chapter with a solid point, he goes ahead to say that only people with sinful hearts can be affected by these things.

Translation: If you’re depressed, it’s your own damn fault. You need to do something about your sinful heart.

The author uses this chapter to talk about the steps sports betting addicts need to follow if they want to quit. But first, he narrates his experiences in the betting underworld.

So at some point in his youth, the author gambled harder than a white elderly woman on vacation in Las Vegas with the other residents of her nursing home. His goal at the time was to win a $25,000 jackpot from his sports betting platform of choice, Bet9ja. Despite trying to game the system with tricks and stuff, he was never able to win shit.

Is this how sports betting works? Someone help me out here.

He says that during this time, he was surrounded by bookies who he thought were his dear friends but in hindsight, brainwashed him and kept him trapped in the betting system for their own gain. He casually mentions that most of them have “crumbled” now, which had me like:

Is…is that code for “dead”? Did they die??

He says that his discovery of the tactics used by demons (I just knew he’d involve them somehow) to trap betting addicts was what led him to seek help in the form of a church deliverance. After being freed of his addiction, he dedicated his life to preaching about the dangers of the spiritual prison that is sports betting.

This is Oscar-worthy stuff right here.

The first step to overcoming an addiction to gambling, according to the author, is this:

I gotta say, he has a point.

He says stuff about cutting off all the people in your life who have connections to the betting world and adds that he used to be addicted to English soccer premiership league games, which I thought was super specific but whatever I guess.

Why? Because “you are the first born of God creature and heir to the heavenly throne. Hence don’t assume that the devil is going to fold his hands and allowed you crossed over to that celestial city (heaven) where he was thrown out.”

Translation: Satan will use football to infiltrate and ruin your life.

Sounds exhausting tbh.

The book ends with the other steps for overcoming sports betting.

This sounds like propaganda meant to recruit people for cheap church labour.

Okay.

Welp. Good luck having any friends.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Devil’s Top Secret Weapons Against Christians”

The author starts by shaming Christians everywhere who think the devil is foolish. His point is, a being able to convince a large number of angels to join him in a quest to overthrow God is clearly super smart. He says the devil is recruiting people to fill the underworld because it’s the only way he knows to piss God off. Why doesn’t he just challenge God to a supernatural wrestling match and throw hands? This is why:

I love how specific that last line is.

According to the author, every end-time Christian has to be constantly spiritually and physically equipped with the full armour of God. Peep the full armour below.

I want to cop the Sandals of Readiness because they are fire!

Anyway, we finally get to the point of the book (glorified pamphlet, really) – the list of the devil’s top 3 weapons against Christians – and I have to say that nothing could’ve prepared me for the first thing on the list. Somehow, it felt like a personal attack. Seeing as the author’s name wasn’t in the book, I wanted to tackle the book to the floor and punch it till it stopped moving. But I didn’t, because books can’t feel pain. Do I have anger issues? Maybe. I won’t go to anger management classes though. Because I’m proud. Why am I typing all this? I’m gonna take it out before I hit publish.

Yes, the first thing on the list is food, accompanied by the following picture:

Just fucking @ me next time.

The author claims that many Christians find it difficult to pray after eating insane amounts of…you know what? I want you guys to read this in the author’s own words.

I just…why…what??

He follows this by saying that its impossible to overcome trials and temptations without sacrificing food and sleep.

Ok.

He spends this entire point shitting on people who’ve never read the whole bible because they find it boring but would rather read a magazine full of “love stories”. I wonder if he was referring to Hints & Hearts. This is accompanied by this stock photo:

Do they have to finish it in a year?

Yep. Turns out that all those tweets and memes were eerily prescient and enjoyment is, in fact, going to kill you.

There’s shade hidden somewhere in this mess of a paragraph and we’ll get to that soon. But how do you judge people for missing mid-week church activities because they have to be at work? If they get fired, will you pay their bills?

SHADE!

Shaming people for giving to the needy? Girl, I…

The book ends with this:

Might as well just move into the church, I guess.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “HOW TO IDENTIFY FAKE CHURCHES”

The book starts with the author telling the reader to be cautious and spiritually sensitive in whatever church they’re in now because the evil ones constantly train and deploy pastors to different churches meant to intentionally lead people astray. He also says that ignorance is no excuse before God so, in the event that you are led astray by one of these decoy pastors, you’re going to hell.

When I got to this part, I was like:

Because it sounded like the author was about spill tea and throw shade of biblical proportions. I pursed my lips, crossed my legs, and prepared myself for the chaos I believed was coming.

• It Doesn’t Matter International Church

• Come As You Are International Ministries.

• We Are No Longer Under The Law Christian Church.

• Judge Not Mission Church.

• Dress As You Like International Gospel Mission.

• Ones Saves Is Forever Saved Mission.

• Merciful God Don’t Sent Anyone To Hell International Ministries.

• God Only Looks At The Heart Chapel.

• Liquid Fire And Miracle Center Ministries.

• Prosperity Without Effort Gospel Mission.

This list left me like:

This author thinks he has jokes, huh?

He follows up the list up with this:

It means your church is officially being led by a demon-trained pastor and you need to do something about it or kiss your chance at heaven goodbye. The book doesn’t say what exactly you’re supposed to do but I assume it’ll involve a pentagram, a ring of salt, and a DVD of the first season of “Supernatural”.

The author further explains how these decoy pastors function:

The author ends the book with 12 things to watch out for when identifying fake churches:

Even those ones that have pictures of cute animals with bible verses that have nothing to do with the picture itself.

If your church has ever thrown a thanksgiving or bazar party, you’re screwed.

So only Mountain of Fire and Deeper Life members are safe? Damn. Also, if you’re wondering why they this author thinks makeup and weaves are from hell, read this:

RECOMMENDED: The Spiritual Origin Of (And Covenant Behind) Wigs & Weaves

Why would an evil pastor have such a room on the church premises? Why not just have it someplace where prying eyes will never see it?

There is NO WAY this particular “clue” isn’t steeped in misogyny. No fucking way.

Enough said about this.

Same thing as the previous point.

This is clearly shade thrown at Catholicism.

Well, any fan of Mount Zion movies already knows this.

They’ve made this point twice already.

Wow. So pastors can’t even like bling?

I knew it!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the conspiracy theory video made Joseph Okechukwu titled, “BB NAIJA: UNVEILING THE BEAST”.

Insane conspiracy theory aside, this is a cool ass image.

ABOUT THE MAKER

This guy.

Joseph Okechukwu describes himself as an actor who has starred in over 150 Nollywood movies. However, when you google him, the first set of things that come up are videos from his YouTube channel where he posts videos of himself spewing conspiracy theories left and right. That should tell you something. Anyway, let’s jump in.

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Joseph starts the video shitting on Nigerian Christians for not speaking up about the evil of BBNaija and even paying to have it “beamed into their homes”. Just like Reverend Chris Okotie, he says that the real reason churches were forced to close and BBNaija was allowed to go on is because the Nigerian government is part of a Satanic agenda to control the minds of everyone on earth so we can serve the antichrist, ancient city style.

He shows clips from BBNaija’s current season and asks why the housemates aren’t wearing masks or social distancing like the rest of us have been instructed to.

Also, isn’t the BBNaija house the perfect example of isolating? A group of people in a house who never go out?

He refers to the eye in the BBNaija logo as the Eye of Lucifer/Horus and puts up an image of the current logo alongside last year’s version to make an insane point.

The addition of a camera lens in the center of the eye.

According to him, the camera lens was added in 2020 – the year COVID-19 hit – to let people know that the antichrist is about to make his debut and will be a being controlled by Artificial Intelligence.

He insists that this is why the BBNaija was created; to get everyone used to being monitored all the time, just like the totalitarian society described in the dystopian novel, 1984.

He claims that the addition of the camera lens to the BBNaija logo is proof that the antichrist is going to monitor and control everyone using our devices (phones, laptops, etc). He says that the vaccine being developed to fight COVID-19 is going to alter the DNA of anyone who takes it, leaving them with an embedded microchip (i.e. mark of the beast), which will be used by the BEAST COMPUTER to control them.

Look at this:

There’s a joke to be made about a guy who’s worried about being monitored but casually lounging in front of devices he could easily be monitored with. There’s a joke to be made about that but I’m not going to make it.

Do you have children who are stubborn as shit and just will not behave no matter what you do to discipline them? Joseph says it’s your fucking fault. According to him, your children watched BBNaija (after YOU paid to have it shown in your homes) and now it has turned them into delinquents bound to spend the majority of their lives in prison. He proceeds to shade the hell out of modern-day pastors for campaigning for tithes instead of joining forces to get BBNaija cancelled.

He ends the video by yelling at everyone to stop watching BBNaija because it indirectly funds the evil plans of the beings in the BEAST KINGDOM and pollutes the spiritual atmosphere wherever its shown.

The End.

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Me, the entire time I was watching this video:

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the conspiracy theory titled, “WITCHCRAFT, DARK MUSIC & THE IDOLATRY OF BEYONCÉ” by Delphine Okobah.

Look at the queen serving Baphomet realness.

So, Beyoncé’s highly anticipated visual album, Black Is King, is finally out. In it, she reimagines the story of The Lion King using music, dance, poetry, woven in beautiful African imagery and culture. This is exactly how I knew that as soon as the musical film was released, conspiracy theorists would be on it like white on rice.

I just know this image from #BlackIsKing is making Illuminati conspiracy Twitter foam at the mouth. pic.twitter.com/PI14yVLlK5

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) July 31, 2020

And I was right.

Not long after I tweeted that, someone sent me a post on Instagram containing an insane conspiracy theory about Beyoncé made by a woman named Delphine Okobah. The Delphinator’s (that’s what she calls herself) bio says that her account is dedicated to “amplifying stories that save.” After reading all TEN SLIDES, I figured this was something y’all needed to see.

The idea of someone sitting down to design this cover using the silhouette of the stereotypical depiction of a witch cracks me up so bad. All I can imagine when I look at this is Beyoncé flying her broomstick to the set of Black Is King every day in a cloak, mini-dress, 3-inch heels, and the sorting hat from Harry Potter on her head.

Sounding like the opening narration of a dystopian movie, Delphine starts with the claim that there has been an increase in demon activity recently. According to her, the line between both realms have been blurred (I think Robin Thicke predicted this) and everyone’s going to have to pick a side because a war is coming and “casual Christians will become casualties.” That last line made my mind go:

When are we getting the rap album, Delphine??!

She says that witchcraft is becoming more mainstream, citing the witches who came out in support of the Black Lives Matter movement and the Nigerian women who sell/use the popular love charm, Kayan Mata, as proof. There’s also something about the gentrification of witchcraft.

She finally gets to the matter of interest by calling Beyoncé the queen of witchcraft in music. She claims that Beyoncé has been trying to let people know – using her music – that she’s about that witch life but people have refused to hear word. Delphine presents the poem, Denial, from Beyoncé’s 2016 album, Lemonade, as an example.

“How does one levitate downwards?” – Delphine

“She did all that to meet Satan!” – Delphine

“She thinks the bible and everything it stands for is trash!” – Delphine

She brings up lyrics from Beyoncé’s 2020 single, Black Parade, as another example.

“This aunty is telling you people where she gets her powers from but a lot of you are just excited that she’s making references to Africa!” – Delphine

“THIS IS A COMMON WITCHCRAFT RITUAL USED TO PROGRAM INTENTIONS INTO GEMSTONES!!! “ – Delphine

She alleges that the reason the Beyhive stans her so hard is because she has used juju on them. She also says that Beyoncé has been guest-starring in her dreams for the past 2 years.

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There’s this:

I’d never heard of this so I went a-googling and it turns out that it’s true!

I’m a Beyist now.

Delphine claims that Black Is King has been released with a dark potent spell that will put a heavy veil on the hearts of young people everywhere. Why? Because contrary to popular belief, Beyoncé does not have our best interests at heart. She says that the supposed aim of the visual album – to celebrate black ancestry and African tradition using a modern twist and universal language – is a fucking lie because:

“With music generally, protect your entry gates (ears) and guard your heart!” – Delphine

Delphine’s final message is this:

“Stop worshipping stars (celebrities) and worship the STAR (Jesus) who birthed the other stars!” – Delphine

Till next week, y’all.

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