Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

I was ogling scantily clad people on my Instagram explore page one afternoon in December 2020 when a guy whose handle I didn’t recognise followed me. Thinking it was someone I knew in real life with a handle that didn’t match their government name, I clicked to view their profile hoping it would jog my memory. Scrolling down his profile for a few seconds confirmed I had no idea who this person was so I was going to bounce when his bio got my attention.

After letting out a small high-pitched scream, I tweeted about it:

And someone suggested this:

So I followed him back, hoping I could get him to explain how he does his thing.

I don’t exactly believe in money ritual. However, in the event that I’m wrong and money ritual is possible, I believe it’ll require the most powerful mystical energy source in the universe.

A human soul.

But then, I was bored so I thought, “Why the hell not?” I followed him back, and he messaged me immediately.

I replied…

…and he ignored my question, following it up with a question that no one wants to hear from a person they’re speaking to for the very first time.

I won’t lie, this question weirded me out. But I was determined to get a “So You Don’t Have To” article out of this so I continued.

And he ignored me AGAIN.

It made me want to scream because it was rude as hell. But I didn’t want to scare him away so I replied kindly and tried to push the conversation forward.

And he replied with a super cliché line.

We had finally gotten to why I was doing all this. Time to start the information extraction.

I was hesitant about giving him my phone number. I knew I was going to block him after getting the information I needed. But I hadn’t gotten this far to turn back.

I stored his name as “Herb’ because he had the word “herbalist” in his bio.

He kept trying to find out more information about me. So I went into LIE MODE.

After telling me his name, he kept asking questions like I was being interviewed for a job. Me I sha kept lying my ass off.

The Nigerian government would be so proud of me.

He kept doing this weird thing where he’ll reply to the last message he sent with “Ok” if I don’t respond fast enough.

So damn weird.

I didn’t know what to make of this question so I went with the most eager-sounding response I could think of.

That wasn’t enough for him though because he still asked this:

Then we FINALLY got down to business.

Something about him putting his picture on his bizarre rate card made me laugh so hard. I kept pushing for the information I needed.

But he insisted on me picking one of the options on his rate card so I did.

What came next was something I couldn’t lie my way around.

Giving out a phone number (I hardly ever use) is one thing. But sending my name and full picture? That’s some old school Nollywood witchcraft shit. Your boy got scared. So for the first time in the conversation, I told the truth.

He attempted to soothe my fears…

…and did a terrible job by asking this:

The following meme best describes the reaction I had to this request.

I lied that the network where I was was bad and a video call wouldn’t work. I was tired of his reluctance to spill tea and my responses were starting to show it.

He kept trying to convince me to send my picture and I let him know I would only do so if he explained how his “magic” works. He agreed.

Then kept trying to get me to part with money.

*heavy Igbo sigh*

He was so focused on trying to get me to send money, he skipped my question and went straight to talking about the native costs.

He can make money out of thin air but he lives in Ijebu Ode. Ok oh.

I was going to keep leading him on until he said this:

And suddenly, I was like:

While I tried to figure out my next move, he kept sending messages.

Then he sent a video of someone pouring money out of a bag.

So I did the only I had left to do.

I thought that was the end of it until he popped back up like a sexually ambiguous slasher movie villain.

With another number! AH!!!

I started begging because I genuinely did not want to do again. But he refused to hear word and kept pleading. I became irritated and blocked that number too because what kind of self-respecting juju man begs customers for patronage?

Arab money family bawo.

Or is it?

Honestly, I still worry sometimes that the guy is going to find and force me to do a vegan money ritual in Ijebu Ode while dressed in Kente cloth. So if I go missing at any point, know that I did it to bring you guys fun content and AVENGE ME!!!

I Went Through Weird Sex Toy Shops So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. Due to the article’s popularity, a coworker suggested that I start doing weekly recaps of hilariously insane pieces of media (books, movies, etc) in a series that was eventually named “So You Don’t Have To.”

It’s been over a year since then and with 2020 ending (us) soon, I decided to compile a list of the most-read articles in the series.

1) I Watched The Nollywood ‘Diamond Ring’ Franchise So You Don’t Have To

This recap was brought to you by my obsession with this movie and my crush on Ghost Liz Benson. I whipped all of you in the face with nostalgia and got to see Ghost Liz Benson again in all her terrible 90s CGI glory. It was a win-win situation. Read the article here.

2) The Spiritual Origin Of (And Covenant Behind) Wigs & Weaves

This book was written by a woman named Evangelist Fumilayo Adebayo. She claims to have been a high-ranking agent hell who was present when artificial hair was invented by the QUEEN OF THE COAST and MEDUSA. That isn’t even the best part. Read my recap here.

3) Witchcraft & The Idolatry Of Beyonce, According To This Insane Conspiracy Theory

A few days after the premiere of Beyonce’s “Black Is King’, a woman named Delphine “The Delphinator” Okobah posted a ten-slide carousel on her Instagram claiming that Beyonce is a witch trying to enchant the world’s youth. This article was the first time I recapped a conspiracy theory. Read it here.

4) The Queen Of The Coast’s Terrible Plan For Humans According To This Insane Book

Written in the first person and sounding like a very angry diary entry, this book outlines what the author wants us to believe are the Queen of Coast’s terrible plans for humans. Something involving 1.8 million trained female spiritual assassins, demonic cosmetics, and an incurable asshole disease. Read my recap here.

5) I Watched The Movie ‘365 Days’ So You Don’t Have To

The Polish erotic romantic drama film, ‘365 Days’ came out this year on Netflix and everyone lost their minds because of how steamy the sex scenes are and how terrible everything else about it is. People referring to it as “Fifty Shades of Grey on steroids” made me watch it. They were not wrong. Read my recap here.

6) Understanding the Mystery & Dangers Of Masturbation According To This Insane Book

In the book’s first paragrah, the authorclaims that masturbation is the act of having sexual intercourse with demons and impregnating/getting pregnant by them. The rest of the book made my head spin. Read my recap here.

7) I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Men In Love’ So You Don’t Have To

This 2010 movie was clearly made by homophobic Nigerians hoping to make other homophobic Nigerians foam at the mouth with homophobia. They succeeded but also ended up making a movie so bad — in every way — that it circled around and became unintentional comedy. Read my recap here.

8) I Watched The Nollywood Movie, ‘End of the Wicked’ So You Don’t Have To 

Many people don’t know but this insane piece of propaganda was written & produced by pastor, self-proclaimed witch hunter, and all-around threat to children everywhere, Helen Ukpabio. After witnessing the movie’s insanity, I closed my laptop and screamed, “HELEN UKPABIO MUST BE STOPPED!” Read my recap here.

9) I Went Through The Reviews Of Adamu Garba’s Crowwe App So You Don’t Have To

From complaints about it stealing personal data to displaying pornographic ads, Adamu Garba’s Crowwe app has gotten terrible reviews. I took it upon myself to go through the app’s reviews on the app store and make a compilation of the funniest ones. Read the article here.

10) The Evil Effects Of Oral Sex In Christian Relationships According To This Book

Are you a fan of eating your partner’s genitals as a form of foreplay? If so, the author of this book says that the devil has infiltrated your life and that you’re royally screwed. Read my recap of this insane book here.

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, in honour of the remake coming out soon, I will be recapping the iconic horror Nollywood movie, ‘Nneka The Pretty Serpent.’

I get that this was made in 1992 but this fonts are overwhelming.

‘Nneka The Pretty Serpent’ has been on my list of potential SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO fodder for while. So with the remake coming out soon, I decided to bump it to the top of the list. For the people who want a little bit of backstory before watching the remake.

We owned a VHS tape of this movie in my house when I was a kid. The tape’s pack had the title character on it in the middle of her transformation into a cat and that shit gave me nightmares. I swore I’d never watch it again but here I am, watching it for work.

Capitalism wins again.

The movie starts with a woman holding a live chicken and screaming at a river. From her monologue lets us know she’s been ridiculed by everyone in the village because of her inability to have a kid. So she’s come to the river goddess with an offer too good to refuse.

And then tosses the chicken in the river.

RIP to that chicken.

After the opening credits, we meet Nneka (Ndidi Obi). It’s never actually stated but Nneka is the kid that the river goddess gave the woman in the opening scene. Nneka is hanging out with her friend, Nkechi (Ngozi Ezeonu), and from the way they’re dressed, you can tell that they’re the 90s version of happening babes. They’re approached by a woman named Mrs Ogbonna who tells Nneka this:

Nneka and Nkechi read Mrs Ogbonna for filth and she goes home to take matters up with her husband, Mr Ogbonna. He gaslights her by insulting her for attacking someone (Nneka) that has done nothing to her. Enraged, she calls him a:

He slaps her across the face, expecting her to be quiet but she fights back and proceeds to whoop his philandering ass.

And the entire time, I’m like:

Sadly, their maid, Uloma, separates them before things get ugly.

We’re introduced to two characters named Ify and Tony.

They’re a couple but Ify is scared that Tony might be taking her for idiat. She tells him this and to calm her mind, he takes her to his village to meet his family. When this happens, I’m like:

Taking you to meet his family doesn’t mean shit. He can still leave you barefoot and pregnant on 3rd mainland bridge at midnight when he decides to move mad.

As revenge for embarrassing her in public, Nneka goes to the Ogbonna household to force-feed their son poisoned bananas. When Uloma, their maid, is like “Who the fuck are you?” Nneka just goes:

And Uloma complies.

The next time we see Nneka, she’s chilling on an abandoned road at night in her cat form. It looks like she’s just chilling but it turns out she’s on a mission to kill Mrs Ogbonna. She stops Mrs Ogbonna’s car and stabs her to death with her long ass nails.

I don’t understand why she looks constipated sha.

After killing his wife and son, Nneka decides that she’s done with Mr Ogbonna and blocks his number…or whatever people did in the 90s to stop people from calling them. She moves on to her next victim.

Tony.

She sees Tony at a party and decides that he must be hers. She’s so determined, she tries to sex him up in front of his fiancée, Ify.

Because Tony is a banker, she lies that she uses the excuse of wanting to open a domiciliary bank account to get his phone number, get him to take her to dinner, and makes him spend the night at her house.

In the middle of the night, Nneka rings up her spiritual husband.

When Satan asks Nneka what she wants from Tony, she says this:

And she proceeds to do just that. For no fucking reason.

Because Nneka is a messy bitch who lives for drama, she goes to Tony’s house when she knows Tony isn’t home and argues with Ify. Tony returns home mid-argument and asks Nneka why she came there knowing he wasn’t home. Like a true chaotic queen, Nneka says this:

And leaves.

Tony runs after her, begging for her forgiveness. He even says this:

This is the ultimate proof that no matter the decade, MEN ARE SCUM!!!

A few days later, Ify walks into Tony’s house and finds him sucking lips with Nneka. When she asks what the fuck is going on, Tony is like:

And throws her out of his house. When Tony’s friends, C.Y and Emeka, ask him why he dumped Ify, he tells them it’s because he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with his new love, Nneka. Eneka and C.Y laugh and burst Tony’s bubble in the meanest way possible.

But he accuses them of being jealous and goes ahead to marry Nneka. In retaliation for bad-mouthing her, Nneka kills C.Y by setting his face on fire.

It doesn’t take long for Nneka to suck Tony dry. (Not literally lmao.) He loses his job at the bank and she makes him a waiter at the restaurant he opened for her back when he was loaded.

After that, Nneka goes…You know what?

I was going to recap the sequel too but I now see that this movie is 10% movie and 90% filler. It’s mostly just Nneka ruining Tony’s life and killing anyone who tries to save him. So to save time, I’m skipping to the end of the second movie.

From what I can see at end of the sequel, Ify broke Tony free from the Nneka’s shackles at some point but Nneka wormed her way back into their lives disguised as someone else. Now she wants to take Tony to the marine kingdom so she can have him to herself. First, she has Ify run over by a car because why the hell not? Then she telepathically calls Tony to join her at the beach so they can swim off into the sunset.

Tony’s friend, Emeka, and a pastor find Tony at the beach and begin a hot casting and binding session.

The prayers seemingly don’t work and Tony keeps walking to Nneka. Just when we think all hope is lost, he grabs her neck and chokes the shit out of her until she dies and turns into a CGI skeleton.

Until next week, y’all.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Men In Love’ So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I’ll be finishing what I started last week by recapping the final movie in the ‘Diamond Ring’ saga.

This tagline is awful.

If you’re coming across the SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO series for the first time or didn’t read last week’s entry, you’ll need to catch up on that. Here’s the link:

I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Diamond Ring’ So You Don’t Have To

Read it then return to this. Or just read this if you like chaos and confusion.

Unlike most Nollywood movies from that era, ‘Diamond Ring 2’ doesn’t start with the scene the previous movie ended with. While the first movie ends with Ghost Liz Benson appearing in Chidi’s family house, fucking up their light bulbs, and giving them 8 days to return her ring, this movie starts a day later, with Dike, Chidi’s dad, at the joint Chidi sold the ring. A joint hilariously named The Drug Joint.

Did you think I was joking?

Dike is there to get the hotel address of Robert, the white building contractor who bought the ring from Chidi. While standing in a corner and trying not to draw attention to himself, even though he’s wearing a giant white agbada, a girl at the joint attempts to sex him up in broad daylight.

Dike is horrified by this brazen hussy and pushes her away. This pisses her off so much she grabs and squeezes his balls in retaliation.

Dike is rescued by the owner of the bar who asks for money before giving up the info. Dike and Ijeoma (Chidi’s mother) go to the hotel and are told that Robert has returned to London. Determined to save his son’s life, Dike flies to London, dressed in an agbada so insane it would make Kermit the Frog scream, “Wetin be dis??”

Who was the costume designer for this movie??

When he gets to London, it’s 5 days to the deadline Ghost Liz Benson gave them. He calls Robert but finds out Robert won’t be available for the next 2 days. When Dike does meet Robert, he tells Robert the whole story and Robert is like:

And I don’t blame him tbh. Would YOU believe such a story if you were in his shoes?

Robert empathises with Dike but informs him that he doesn’t have the ring anymore. He says he gave it to his girlfriend, Leigh, who he’s no longer with. Dike begs Robert to go get the ring from Leigh but Robert is like “Fuck no” because he’s scared of Leigh’s new husband. He eventually agrees to go as long as Dike goes with him.

When they get to Leigh’s house and explain why they’re there, she is furious.

Leigh agrees to give it back because just like all the people who benefitted in some way from the stuff stolen from Ghost Liz Benson, her life has become incredibly shitty. While she’s searching for it, her husband — who looks like discount Louis C. K — returns home from work. When he walks into the house and sees Robert, he asks:

Then he turns to Dike and adds:

That line made me go:

I get this was 1998 but still.

Discount Louis C. K beats the shit out of Dike and Robert and throws them out of the house. Leigh comes outside to accuse Robert of being a coke head one last time and angrily throws the ring into traffic.

After witnessing their story, it made me sad that Robert and Leigh never got a spin-off movie/series. I would’ve watched the hell out of that.

Dike returns to Nigeria with the ring and finds out that Chidi’s illness has worsened. Thinking their troubles are over, they summon Ghost Liz Benson to return the ring. She complains about her casket being stolen and demands to be re-buried with decency. Aunty (Chidi’s aunty who the writers legit didn’t give a name) informs Ghost Liz Benson that a different set of people stole her casket but Ghost Liz Benson is like:

She lets them know that her casket has been used to bury someone she hates in Ado Ekiti. She also tells instructs them to find her children and have them present at her new burial. She gives them only 24 HOURS to do all this and then she disappears. Dike sits in a chair and once again contemplates whooping Chidi’s ass for stressing the entire family out like this.

That’s the same question I’ve asked many times in the past.

Dike and Aunty set off to Ado Ekiti to retrieve the damn casket. With the help of Aunty’s mutant-style powers — which have conveniently evolved to include mind control — they’re able to get people to dig up the casket, toss the body inside aside like a rag doll, and transport the casket to Lagos. Here’s a rundown of the shit they go through during all this:

They get stopped by the police:

One of the truck’s tyres falls off:

The truck breaks down:

Causing them to switch trucks:

They get stuck in traffic:

Then they meet the guy in charge of Ikoyi Cemetery (where Ghost Liz Benson was buried) and he tells them a load of shit.

They solve all these problems with the power of money and Aunty’s mutant abilities. Dike and Aunty go to tell Ghost Liz Benson’s kids that she wants to see them but they all laugh and accuse Dike of being a ritualist. Aunty decides that she’s had enough of their bullshit and uses her mind control powers to get them to the cemetery. When they summon Ghost Liz Benson, she shows up and is like:

Like she wasn’t the one who didn’t sent them to do shit.

After being told that all her instructions have been carried out, Ghost Liz Benson drags EVERY SINGLE PERSON present. She drags her kids for being greedy and never caring about her, which explains why her tomb was robbed and they had no idea until Dike told them. She lets them know that she sees the shit they do, hears all the shit they say about her, and warns them to stop being ungrateful pieces of shit.

The kids are like:

She turns to Dike & Ijeoma and insults the hell out of them for being shitty parents who think throwing money at their kids substitutes for actual parenting. She restores Chidi (who hasn’t said a single word this entire movie) back to health and is like:

The End

Me after watching this:

I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Diamond Ring’ So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood horror film “Diamond Ring.”

This poster lives in my mind rent-free because there’s no scene like this in the movie.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with ‘Diamond Ring.’ What they don’t know, however, is why that is. Seeing as I’m an adult now and nobody can beat me, I’m just going to come out and say it.

I have a huge crush on Ghost Liz Benson.

Let’s just get into the movie.

The movie starts with Ghost Liz Benson sitting in a cloud and announcing her plans to fuck up the lives of some humans because they’ve refused to let her sleep. She’s says a lot of things but here’s the gist of it.

The “junior secondary school CRK teacher wig and Tony Montana powder” combo is KILLING ME.

The movie cuts to a university dorm room and we meet the protagonist, Chidi (played by a babyfaced Teju Babyface). Chidi has a fever or some shit and his roommates are wiping his head with a wet cloth like they’re cleaning dirty furniture.

Because the school clinic can’t figure out what’s wrong with him, Chidi is sent home so his family doctor can take a crack at it. That’s when we meet his super-rich parents, Dike and Ijeoma (played by Richard Mofe-Damijo and Sola Sobowale).

I had to pause the movie here to scream because of how overwhelmed I was by the colour-scheme of RMD’s outfit.

The doctor tells them he can’t find anything wrong with Chidi. He says that it’s most likely school stress taking its toll and then says this stupid shit…

…while Chidi just lies in the corner and is like:

Months pass and Chidi doesn’t get better. Chidi’s aunty (played by the late Bukky Ajayi) returns to the house from…somewhere. She walks into the living room and greets everyone with the Igbo word:

And it occurred to me right then that the makers of this movie really cast a group of Yoruba people (Delta in RMD’s case) to unconvincingly play an Igbo family for some reason. Why not just have the family be Yoruba? WHAT WAS THE REASON??

After taking one look at Chidi, Aunty (they never even bothered to give her a name) says that the source of his illness is spiritual but refuses to say what exactly Chidi did to bring this upon himself.

Which is very convenient in this case but whatever I guess.

Dike tells her to quit playing and spill the tea but she says that if she spills before Chidi does, Chidi will drop dead. Ijeoma spends the duration of this conversation punctuating every reveal with one of these:

Which every Nigerian knows is a sign of the Yoruba jumping out.

Dike threatens to whoop Chidi’s ass for refusing to confess and then we’re hit with a flashback out of no-fucking-where. The barely-legible text on the screen just says:

Beginning of when? TIME?? This is NOT how you pull a ‘Memento’ with your movie’s timeline.

Chidi is prepping to go off to Unilag and Dike is bitching because the school requires parents to come sign an undertaking promising that their kids will behave right. On Chidi’s first night in uni, he goes for a party, meets a girl named Bimbo (played by Bimbo Akintola), and befriends a cultist named Lami, who also happens to be his roommate. Chidi and Lami have a conversation that goes like this:

Lami tells Chidi that a lecturer named Mr Bright has been sexually assaulting Bimbo. Chidi asks Bimbo about it and she denies but later confesses. When nothing changes after reporting to the VC, Chidi decides to join the cult so he can protect Bimbo. His first cult task is to wreck Mr Bright’s office and leave a message:

“YASSSS! FUCK THAT NIGGA UP!!!” – Me, watching this scene.

The plan works and Mr Bright stops being an unfortunate bastard. Chidi is informed of his next cult task offscreen and is shown telling the cult’s leader, Don, that he doesn’t want to do it because it’s gross. Don replies with this:

And Chidi is like:

We find out in the next scene that Chidi’s second task is grave-robbing. The cult breaks into a cemetery and go into the tomb of a rich dead woman played by Liz Benson. (Her name is never revealed.)

They swipe all the valuables she was buried with, including the eponymous diamond ring. Chidi is horrified by this and leaves to go wait for them outside. Not long after, they hear the sounds of people approaching, assume it’s the police, and make off with as much booty as they can.

However, it’s just another group of grave robbers who show up, see the looted tomb, and become pissed that other people beat them to it.

Even though Chidi failed his second test, he’s still initiated into the cult by Don because of how rich Chidi’s father is. Don even gives Chidi the diamond ring while sharing the things they stole from dead Liz Benson. This angers the cult’s deputy leader, Gus, and it causes chaos within the cult, leading to many of the cult’s members being killed.

This made me sad because Don was my favourite character. Don’t ask why.

Meanwhile, Chidi has sold the ring and used the money to buy a car for Bimbo. She suspects that he’s joined a cult and asks him about it but he denies. Not long after, he comes down with an unidentified illness. Then the long as hell flashback finally ends and we’re returned to the present.

If you thought ‘Inception’ was confusing, I dare you to tackle the insane timeline of ‘Diamond Ring.’

In the present, Chidi’s sack of tribulations gets heavier when he learns that Lami and Bimbo have been involved in an accident. He’s told that Lami died on the spot and Bimbo is alive but in need of N20,000 for blood. So he steals money from his dad’s home stash.

Chidi gets the money to the hospital but before the blood arrives, Bimbo dies in his arms. Almost on cue, the guy who was sent to buy the blood walks in HOLDING THE BAG IN HIS HANDS.

I’m sorry but LMFAOOOOOOOOOO!

Chidi returns home and finally confesses. Before his father can whoop his ass, his mother faints and the lights start to flicker.

And Ghost Liz Benson appears in all her glory!

Turns out she was behind everything (Chidi’s illness, Bimbo’s accident, the cult’s infighting etc). She gives them 8 days to return her diamond bling or face her wrath and then disappears. Dike asks Chidi where the ring is and Chidi reveals he sold it to a building contractor who has left the country.

The movie ends with a shot of Dike resisting the urge to tackle his sick son to the ground. Then we get this:

For now.

CLICK THE LINK TO READ MY RECAP OF THE SECOND MOVIE.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Diamond Ring 2’ So You Don’t Have To

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be bringing you a few insane sex toys I found in the sex toy Internet rabbit hole I fell down last night.

I swear I can explain.

So a friend sent me this tweet yesterday:

This might be the most n*ggarest shit I seen this week.
pic.twitter.com/d8GkGlx8fF

— PhillyTheBoss.com (@PhillyTheBoss) November 21, 2020

A girl in the replies talked about how this unnecessary abomination reminds her of a home penis molding kit she once saw on sale at a sex shop. Because I found it hard believing that that’s an actual thing, I went a-googling and found it…along with many other things I’m now going to share with you all because I can’t be mentally scarred by myself.

It’s going to be a weirdly sexy ride.

The Chocolate Asshole

Do you want to get your significant other a gift but can’t think of anything? You should consider getting them a box of edible anuses.

Yes. For a small fee, you can get miniature chocolate replicas of your asshole for your significant other (or anyone else) to enjoy when they can’t be physically present to chew on your anus.

Deep Throat Oral Spray

If your pesky gag reflex is keeping you from delivering unforgettable blow jobs, this product is the thing for you. According to the description on Amazon, spraying this in your mouth numbs the back throat, allowing you, as the name suggests, to deep throat anything from your toothbrush to the penis of that person you keep hooking up with in the bathroom of Ikeja City Mall because neither one of you can host.

The Penis Molding Kit

For when only that special penis will do. If a penis you consider special happens to belong to someone you’re not dating or can’t hook up with as frequently as you want, just show up at their door and beg them to do this so you’ll never bother them again. Everybody wins.

The Fuckable Brain

This sex toy is exactly what you think it is. A squishy brain with a hole in the back you can stick your penis in on those days when your inner sapiosexual takes over. Personally, I think this toy is scary as shit. Then again, it sold out in Japan so what do I even know?

The Electroshock Stimulation Kit

For those who love a side of electrocution with their fornication. God airpus.

The Fuckable Foot

I feel like the makers of this set out to make a sex toy for people with a foot fetish but ended up making something for people who fantasise about fucking severed feet. This shit looks too much like a real foot. All the people who’ve purchased this should be on the FBI’s watchlist.

The Zombie Fleshlight/Dildo Combo

Everyone knows that there’s nothing better than a teeth-heavy blowjob. Also, it’s a known fact that people go crazy for penises that look like rotten sausage.

The Alien Sex Blow-Up Doll

I can’t prove it but I just know the three-breasted prostitute in ‘Total Recall’ inspired this.

The Tongue-tacle

How does this even work? It’s just a tangled mass of disembodied tongue. Hian.

Finally, we have The Fuckable Ear

Penises (no matter how tiny) can’t fit in ear canals and ejaculating into someone’s ear would probably leave them with a gross ear infection so I don’t even understand this.

Me after seeing all these things:

I Read One Of Those Old Text Message Books So You Don’t Have To

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be going through a couple of those text message books that were super popular in the early 2000s and highlighting the most insane texts I find.

But first:

For people who were too young when these books were a thing.

Back in the early 2000s, when cellphones were new in Nigeria, some people saw Nigeria’s growing obsession with text messaging as a way to make money. So they began making these text compilation books, filled with texts they got from the internet. Because the internet wasn’t as easily accessible then as it is now, these books sold like wildfire.

The texts were always grouped into categories (Love, Friendship etc) and titled in a weird way. Like someone in the throes of a fever dream just threw words together.

“Good morning, sir. I want to buy HOT, FRESH, AND NEW POWERFUL EMOTIONAL TEXT MESSAGES.”

Even weirder was how 90% of these books had Nollywood actresses on their covers for some reason.

Can you imagine being a popping actress in the early 2000s just trying to get to the set of your 6th movie in 1 week and then you see yourself on the cover of FRIENDSHIP GSM TEXT VMOBILE MTN GLO MESSAGES VOLUME 4?

Anyway, I found a couple of these that belonged to my sister and after going through them, realised they would make a great entry in the “So You Don’t Have To” series. I’ll pick 4 texts from 4 categories. Because these are hard copies, there will be no screenshots.

Let’s get into it.

“If I hav a heart attack, den dat’s all bcuz of u. Cuz u r in my heart wit anoda heart dat is ur heart, which is striking my heart and saying I LOVE U!”

Whoever wrote this either lacks knowledge of basic human anatomy or this was their attempt at body horror. Either way, I’m bothered by it.

“I wish I cud break my ribs 2 make a pen, cut my skin 2 make a paper, take out my blood 2 make ink just 2 write I miss u. 100% love u.”

This person must’ve read King Solomon’s Mines way too many times because what the fuck is this shit? NONE of this is necessary. Jesus.

“The way u look into my eyes, it scares me, The way u say I Luv U, it scares me. The way u know just what to say, it scares me. The way U scare me, I luv it.”

This is the ideal romantic text for when you’re dating a biblically accurate angel.

“If u r in a dark room, you find blood everywhere and the walls are shaking, don’t worry, dear. U r at the safest place. U r inside my heart.”

Girl, what the fuck??

“I’m sending you 3 little hearts 2 remind u of 3 things, I’m HERE, I CARE, and I MISS U!”

Do those hearts come with some fava beans and a nice Chianti? I see you, Hannibal Lecter.

“No one is 2 young for love bcos love doesn’t cum from ur mind, which knows ur age but from ur heart, which knows no age.”

Is it just me or does this sound like pedophile propaganda?

“I’m going to write on all the bricks I MISS U and I wish that one falls on ur head, so that u know how it hurts when u miss someone special.”

You might as well just break into their house and bash their head in with a blunt object until they get it.

“I’m sick. I can’t breathe properly since u’ve gone. Coz u r not my love ur my breath. I don’t want to die, please please please, please, come back soon and save me. MISSSSSSSSSSS u a LOTTTTTTTTTTTT.”

Anyone that sends you shit like this is capable of that “If I can’t have you, no one can” shit. You in danger, girl.

“I know it’s ur birthday 2day…I am sure u’ll give me a big treat in a hotel…so I shall talk 2 you in person there, coz I want 2 express my feelings in SMS.”

Uh…WHAT?

“The museum curator called today and spoke in animated tones. He has a team of scientists who want to carbon date your bones. Happy Birthday.”

Ok. This is just fucking rude.

“Today is a day of celebration. Why? XX years ago on the same day, GOD sent my flesh and bone conscience. Wishing my friendly inner voice a very happy b-day. Hugs & Kisses.”

This is the text Pinocchio sends Jiminy on his birthday every year.

“This day, when the most beautiful female MIND was born, is my most beautiful day. Luv and Long live.”

……………………………..???

“Always start your day with a lot of SEX. S(mile) E(nergy) X(citement). So make SEX a daily habit and u’ll always B SUCSEXFUL in LIFE!”

I DEMAND A RESTRAINING ORDER, YOUR HONOUR!!!

“Last nite, I wanted u, needed u so badly dat it hurt. Wanted 2 taste u. I wanted u un me so u could work your magic on me…but I cudn’t find u…u stupid…PARACETAMOL.”

*heavy igbo sigh*

“In case of fire, read this message…I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”

Ok. This one made me laugh a bit.

“Just go to hell. Yes U only! Bcos only you can change hell into heaven by ur sweetness.”

You know what? These messages are giving me whiplash. I’m done.

See you next week.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie, ‘End of the Wicked’ So You Don’t Have To

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I will be recapping the insane 1999 Nollywood movie titled, ‘End of the Wicked.’

“End Of The Wicked is a Nigerian horror movie that tells the story of how the forces of darkness destroy good people and how they are being saved by the power of the Almighty God.”

– The film’s Wikipedia page

Whoever wrote that used so many words to say nothing. Also, that part about “gripping and suspense-packed depictions and screenplay” is a fucking lie.

I don’t know if a lot of people already know this but ‘End of the Wicked’ was written & produced by pastor, self-proclaimed witch hunter, and all-around threat to children everywhere, Helen Ukpabio. Like writing and funding this piece of insane propaganda wasn’t enough, Helen Ukpabio also cast herself in it, as the person who comes in and saves everyone from the clutches of evil.

Legend has it that she’s a huge fan of M. Night Shyamalan.

The film starts with this message:

I have a feeling that this isn’t true.

What follows are the opening credits, superimposed over a montage of witches flying to a meeting that’s taking place during the day for some reason.

I think homegirl here looked so stressed out because she was running late.

They all arrive at their meeting point in the middle of the bush. The camera pans to each one and I need you to see what they all look like.

It truly made me feel some type of way that the movie’s makeup artist thought that burn victim = witch.

Their leader, Beelzebub (Alex Usifo), shows up looking like he just got done giving head to someone on their period.

He instructs them to “change into their glorious bodies” and they all turn into different animals. After that, he gets to the main agenda of the meeting: the coven’s blood bank running low. He says that this is unacceptable and gives them 24 hours to refill the bank.

Sadly, that didn’t happen.

The movie uses night time aerial shots of Lagos as transition scenes and this kills me because there’s no light and you can’t see shit. We’re shown an older woman lying in her bedroom with her eyes wide open. When the clock strikes 1 AM, she astral-projects out of her room, causing 2 children somewhere in the house to wake up screaming.

Which makes their mother, Stella (Hilda Dokubo), rush in and be like:

They tell her they were having nightmares of “someone pressing them” (sleep paralysis demon representation matters) so she calms them down, assuring them that their father will solve the problem. Their father, Chris (Charles Okafor), calls a family meeting the next day. The astral projecting woman from the night before is present. It’s revealed that she’s Charles’ mother and lives with him and Stella. This is how the meeting goes:

Charles: “What’s this I hear about oppression and nightmares?”

Stella (hisses): “Charles. I don’t see you being serious about this issue. Your wife and children’s lives are in danger and this is all you have to say??”

Charles: “What the hell are you bitching at me for? I’m addressing the issue, aren’t I?!”

Charles’ Mother: “It’s enough, my son.”

Charles: “Shut up, mama! It is not enough! Stella refuses to let me be the man of the…”

Which didn’t even surprise me. Because why did either one of them think a family meeting would solve the problems of nightmares?

At the next coven meeting, one of the witches announces that she’s brought someone looking to join. When Beelzebub finds out the new recruit’s name is Godwin, he smirks and says, “God win indeed” and the witches laugh.

I’m like:

Because you just know that Helen Ukpabio thought she’d struck comedy gold with that line.

They make him drink blood and prove his loyalty to the coven by destroying the business of a woman named Stephanie. Stephanie is a nurse and is giving a patient a chloroquine injection when the new recruit appears in the room (in the form of an owl) and causes the patient to die.

Charles’ mother, who is a member of this coven and goes by the witch code name Lady Destroyer, tells Beelzebub that she wants to make her son suffer for — I shit you not — the crime of taking care of her every need. Beelzebub agrees and sentences Charles to spiritual life imprisonment.

Meanwhile, Charles and Stella’s daughter is about to get her very own storyline. She begs for puff puff from a random kid on the playground and then later that night, has her spirit (and the spirits of other kids who ate his puff puff) summoned by the random kid with the chant:

Yes. This is the origin of that story we all heard growing up.

He flies off with them to Beelzebub’s coven meeting, where all the witches are announcing their plans to ruin Charles’ life. It’s revealed that the puff puff kid is the head of the coven’s kid’s department. All the kids are immediately initiated.

Unfortunately for Stephanie the nurse, her son is one of the coven inductees. He tries to tell her this but she dismisses him. The next night, when her husband is asleep, the kid witches show up in a random man’s bedroom and fuck up his spine by literally eating it like rice.

Then they eat his eyes in the spiritual realm…

…making him blind in real life.

Everything in Charles’ life turns to shit (not literally) and the coven tricks him into thinking it’s Stella’s fault. Out of nowhere, he decides to go to a native doctor for help and his mother promises to take him to one she knows. He doesn’t even ask why she just happens to have a native doctor on speed dial.

When Charles’ sister, Tina, calls to let them know she’s returning to Nigeria with her new husband, their mother tells Beelzebub to remove Tina’s womb, fry it, and and hang it at the coven’s meeting. Why? Because she can’t stand to see her children happy.

I’m just like:

Oh, there’s more.

Lady Destroyer somehow takes things up a notch and asks to be bestowed with a penis so she can have sex with Stella every night. Beelzebub tells her to slap her thigh 3 times. She does and grows a huge schlong.

Things get even worse for Charles when their son dies. Up next is the family’s housemaid who dies from electrocution and this leads to the police arresting Charles like it’s his fault. The housemaid’s parents arrive and initially want justice but ask for N500,000 when the police inspector advises them to settle the case out of court. This is 1999 and Charles doesn’t have that kind of money. So this happens:

I can’t tell you how hard this made me scream.

Meanwhile, Stephanie the nurse has lost her job. Frustrated, she tells her husband that she’s sick of his shit (being blind) and announces that she’s leaving. When her husband and son beg her not to leave, she knocks her husband to the ground and tells her son this to his face before leaving:

In despair, her husband stabs himself in the stomach with a knife…right in front of their kid.

And the kid, who caused all this with the powers he got from demon daycare, just stands there and watches his father bleed to death.

Charles’ sister, Tina, arrives from…the abroad (they literally didn’t bother to name the country) with her husband, Emeka, and Lady Destroyer carries on with her plan to ruin Tina’s life. First, she destroys the engine of Emeka’s new car.

Petty.

Then uses a dog to spiritually steal Tina’s womb.

And hangs it in a tree.

It’s at this point that Pastor Priscilla is introduced, played by honorary Winchester sister, Helen Ukpabio herself. She literally shows up at their house out of nowhere and asks them to join her in prayer. Stella gives her life to Christ.

Charles and Stella’s remaining child, Mercy, starts exhibiting rebellious behaviour. Most people would say it’s because she lost her only brother and never processed the grief properly. But Pastor Priscilla declares that it’s signs of witchcraft and asks that Stella take Mercy for deliverance. (She was right but still…) Stella prepares to do this but Lady Destroyer finds out and kills Charles to throw her off.

At Charles funeral, some old guy insists that for everyone to be sure stella isn’t responsible for Charles’ death, she has to drink the water used to wash his corpse. Stella is like “Fuck no!” and the crowd starts screaming for her to drink it. Pastor Priscilla tells the crowd to shut up and promises to find Charles real killer in a couple of days.

Lady Destroyer FINALLY decides to kill Stella but unfortunately for her, Stella and Pastor Priscilla are in the middle of a hot prayer session. Lady Destroyer’s magic backfires, causing her to confess to all the shit she’s done in front of a mob, who proceed to beat the shit out of her. A dog bursts out of her stomach and she dies, looking like a wrecked pinata.

See you next week.

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I will be recapping the controversial 2010 direct-to-video Nollywood movie titled, ‘Men In Love’.

“The film tells a story of how a couple experiencing troubles in their marriage had their situation worsened when a cursed homosexual friend visits them.” –

– The Film’s Wikipedia page

I found out about this movie for the first time in April 2020 when my babe sent me a fucking hilarious clip from it on Instagram. I scoured countless DVD shops looking for a copy so I could recap it for this series but the movie is ten years old and the DVD shop attendants either didn’t have it or didn’t know about it at all.

I felt hella stupid when it finally occurred to me to check YouTube TWO MONTHS after my search began.

Your boy is ageing. 😔

Let’s get into the movie:

The movie starts with a shot of Whitney (Tonto Dike) driving angrily in an overwhelming wig and glasses combo.

She arrives at a hotel and tells the receptionist that she’s a runs girl there to see and sleep with a man named Charles for $1000. The receptionist first denies that the hotel currently has an occupant with that name but confesses when Whitney subtly threatens to get her fired. Whitney goes up to the room, opens the door, and sees Charles (John Dumelo) about to bump genitals with another woman. That’s when it’s revealed that Charles and Whitney are a married couple.

After being caught by his wife, pants down, about to eat another woman’s snail, the first thing that comes out of Charles’ mouth is:

This understandably pissses Whitney off. She beats the shit out of Charles and stabs the secretary with a broken champagne bottle before storming out. When she confronts him for being a cheating bastard later that night, he gaslights her by saying:

When that doesn’t work, he buys a car thinking that’ll make her forget everything but it doesn’t work and she calls him out on his shitty M.O of buying her expensive shit whenever she catches him cheating. After a few days of not speaking to each other (you can tell time has passed because there’s a montage of Whitney weeping over her wedding album in different outfits), Charles has a change of heart and begs her to give him one more chance. She accepts and everything is peachy for a while.

Until Charles rekindles his friendship with an old university mate named Alex (Muna Obiekwe).

Charles first runs into Alex at work. Charles can’t remember him at first but does after Alex jogs his memory. They run into each other again while on vacation with Whitney at some nameless resort and Alex, who ends up being the manager, walks in on them about to have sex on a pool table IN A PUBLIC AREA.

On that same trip, Charles and Whitney get into a fight and she locks him out of their room in anger. Alex helps calm Whitney down and this makes them closer . While having lunch together one day, Alex reveals that he’s gay. Charles initially has no problem with it until Alex starts hitting on him.

Charles turns down Alex’s advances and Alex falls into depression while 2 of his gay friends try to make him feel better.

They tell him to stop stressing over a straight man but he says can’t stop, won’t stop because he’s loved Charles since they were in university together. He invites Charles to his birthday party, drugs him, and rapes him.

Charles wakes up the next morning and, because of the pain he feels in his butt, realises what has happened. He punches Alex in the face and leaves. One of Alex’s friends tells him that Charles might call the police but Alex confidently says that he’s taken steps to ensure that won’t happen. The friend, who we initially think is the voice of reason, says this:

They laugh about the rape some more while drinking wine.

A few days later, Charles returns to see Alex. He apologises for the punch, says the rape opened his eyes, and begs Alex to date and MOVE IN with him. He even buys Alex a freaking car! They tell Whitney that Alex’s place is being renovated so he needs a place to stay for a while. She initially isn’t fine with the idea but eventually warms up to it when she finds out Alex is a good cook.

One night, Charles and Alex are having dinner at a restaurant in matching shirts when Alex’s ex-boyfriend comes in and throws the biggest hissy fit I have ever seen.

This is my favourite scene in the entire movie. Let me tell you why. You see, when Charles and Alex walk in, holding hands and kissing LIKE THEY DON’T LIVE IN WILDLY HOMOPHOBIC NIGERIA, Whitney’s friend, Rina, is already in the restaurant. When she sees them sucking each other’s lips, she’s like:

And then when Alex’s ex-boyfriend starts making a scene, she gives us LEGENDARY reaction shots. Check them:

After the ex-boyfriend is thrown out by security, the camera pans to her one last time and she’s like:

And the entire time she’s onscreen I’m like:

STAT!

For whatever reason, Rina doesn’t want to be the one to tell Whitney what’s going on so all she does is tell her to not get comfortable having Alex around. Things escalate when Charles and Whitney throw a party and she asks that they dress in matching outfits but he refuses then shows up at the party wearing matching outfits with Alex. Seeing Whitney’s confusion, Rina reveals what she saw at the restaurant that night and Whitney passes out.

There’s a weird scene where Whitney and Alex fight over who’s going to keep cooking Charles’ food. Then Whitney goes to see Charles at his office one day and finds him having sex with Alex in a toilet.

Whatever sha.

Whitney returns home and starts packing her things so she can leave. Charles walks in not long after, belt still unbuckled from his office quickie, and attempts to say some shit but she smacks him upside the head and leaves.

She goes to a church and cries for 5 days straight at the altar before the pastor shows up to ask what the hell her problem is.

Pastor Mrs Mike says the holy spirit revealed to her that Charles is under a demonic gay spell. Whitney begs her to help so they hold hands and start speaking in tongues.

This gives Whitney the strength to get her man back. She has the police arrest Alex for homosexuality. Then she brings in Pastor Mrs Mike & her prayer squad to spiritually throw down in their house so Charles will be free from the gay spell.

Charles is at work when he suddenly goes…

…comes to his senses…

…and rushes home.

Meanwhile, their son is stuck in the middle of a violent prayer session he knows nothing about and looks confused as hell.

When Charles gets home and is told by Pastor Mrs Mike that his foray into homosexuality was the result of a spell, he says:

Then they all hug and the movie ends.

No one bothers to explain anything to their son.

Me after watching this:

I Watched Kate Henshaw’s Classic Comedy, Stolen Bible, So You Don’t Have To.

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, we’ll be going over the reviews of the app, Crowwe.

Adamu Garber is a dude best known for having the guts to threaten Jack Dorsey, the CEO of Twitter, on Twitter. He also shamelessly tried to use the #EndSARS protests to promote his app, Crowwe. The app has been described as an instant messaging and financial transaction app that comes with an easy-to-activate digital wallet that helps you transfer and receive money while chatting with your loved ones.

You see, someone suggested that I do a review of Crowwe for fun (like we do in this series) and I thought it was a good idea. So I went to the app store to download it when I decided to check out the reviews. You guys, the reviews I saw had me like:

That is how the direction of this week’s instalment of “So You Don’t Have To” came to be about me sifting through the Croww app’s worst reviews and bringing you the funniest ones.

Let’s start with Bode, who thinks that the app’s logo looks like the logo for ISIS.

He also thinks the dashboard looks fraudulent. I laughed till I cried.

Oreoluwa calls the app a terrible knockoff of Twitter, Instagram, and WhatsApp with a picture quality so shitty that looking at it is like watching a snuff film on NTA.

She mentioned the picture quality twice so you know it’s really bad.

Austin is convinced that the app is lowkey being used to recruit members for terrorist organisations.

Damn.

Igy says that the app turns phones into one of those hot stones they use for massages.

Or a literal time bomb.

Fache claims the app gave him a plethora of infectious diseases.

Even the Hantavirus???

Eunice says the app’s very existence is creating holes in the ozone layer.

Shoutout to Eunice for looking out for the environment.

Olalekan says that this app is the best way to have the EFCC knocking down your door.

It sets you up AND jails you? It really do be your own app.

According to Pelumi, the app looks like it was designed by a child.

This makes me imagine a sick Victorian-era child sitting in front of a computer and I am wheezing.

Precious says the app destroyed a transformer in his area.

My prayers go out to Precious in this (literal) dark time.

Bennette is upset that the app keeps attacking people with porn ads. Kinda like that one episode of Black Mirror starring Daniel Kaluuya.

Imagine using the app in public and a very loud ad for “Backdoor Sluts 9: Brianna’s Revenge” starts playing.

Chizor says that this app is responsible for giving President Buhari arthritis and destroying his ears.

Well, that one guy did claim that the antichrist will be an artificially intelligent robot. Could this app be that?

In the sea of negative reviews, I found a few good ones. Without commentary, here are 10 good reviews I found. See if you can spot a pattern.

Well, let me be going sha.

Stay jiggy.

RECOMMENDED: I Went Through Weird Sex Toy Shops So You Don’t Have To

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