Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 2015 Christian movie tilted, ‘War Room.‘

“Tony and Elizabeth Jordan, seemingly have it all – great jobs, a beautiful daughter, their dream home. But appearances can be deceiving. In reality, the Jordan’s home has become a war zone and their daughter is collateral damage.”

– The movie’s plot synopsis

My heart swelled with anger as I watched ‘War Room’ for the first time back in 2016. Not just because I’d been catfished by the title — I assumed it was about a family trapped in a war-torn country but it’s really about a woman convinced by Christianity that her husband’s shortcomings are kinda her fault — but because it was problematic as hell and just plain bad. I had forgotten all about it until this Derrick Jaxn mess came up.

The movie really had the main character thinking her husband was fucking around because she wasn't praying hard enough about their marriage. GOD ABEG https://t.co/ZVEaGcPK3V

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) March 25, 2021

Derrick and his wife, Da’Naia, in her helmet of salvation.

For those who haven’t heard about Derrick Jaxn, here’s a brief summary of his tea. He’s an internet relationship “guru” who was recently exposed as a serial cheater even though he’s made a living dishing out relationship advice. He made an apology video alongside his wife, Da’Naia, in which she looked like she was in distress. When people pointed this out, she posted another video saying this in regards to her marital problems:

“This is a spiritual warfare. I did not come here to play games and to play dress-up, I came here in my battle suit. I came here on the battleground covered in the blood of Jesus to spill the blood of the enemy.”

Just like the protagonist in ‘War Room,’ fighting an imaginary battle with the devil instead of addressing the real issue: her bastard husband.

Before I vex.

Right from the jump, you can tell that Tony and Elizabeth’s marriage is a mess and that Tony is the reason why. In the first scene, he comes home from his job as a pharmaceutical salesman and before their daughter, Danielle, can show him her report card, he starts a fight with Elizabeth.

He disrespects his family in all kinds of ways, like not telling them when he’s traveling for business, not showing any interest in his daughter’s life, and checking out other women in front of Elizabeth.

To make this worse, this happened at CHURCH.

Elizabeth complains to her coworkers about how difficult it is to submit to her husband when he keeps being shitty and one of them says:

And I’m like:

Elizabeth is a real estate agent and she gets the task of selling the house of an elderly widowed woman named Ms Clara. Ms Clara is friendly in an uncomfortable way. She talks non-stop, revealing weirdly personal details about her life. And the whole time, Elizabeth is just like…

…because she doesn’t want to fumble a bag. Elizabeth gathers all the information she needs about the house and is on her way out when, out of nowhere, asks:

Ms Clara says she’ll reveal her favourite room the next time they meet. I’m disgusted by this because it’s clear this forced dialogue only exists to awkwardly push the plot along.

Meanwhile, Tony is busy setting up a booty call.

The next time Elizabeth and Ms Clara meet, it’s to discuss potential asking prices for the house but Ms Clara has other things on her mind she wants to ask.

A real-life person would’ve asked Ms Clara why the fuck she’s being so damn nosey. But Elizabeth is a character in a poorly written piece of propaganda so she answers all Ms Clara’s questions, also talking about the fights she and Tony have been having. Ms Clara says the reason Elizabeth has been losing fights with Tony is that she’s been fighting the wrong way. Ms Clara offers to show Elizabeth her favourite room in the house.

Roll Credits!

The war room is a tiny closet with a light bulb, a chair, and pieces of paper stuck on the wall with bible scripture scribbled on them. Ms Clara explains that whenever her husband would misbehave, she would come to her War Room and fight the right way — by praying for her husband and against Satan — until her husband started acting right. She encourages Elizabeth to do the same.

Elizabeth isn’t enthusiastic about spending time praying in a tiny closet like a discount ‘Carrie‘ so she says she’ll think about it. She eventually decides to do it when she overhears a conversation between Danielle and a friend.

A few days later, Ms Clara and Elizabeth are hanging out when a guy with a pen knife tries to rob them.

Elizabeth is ready to give up her valuables when Ms Clara suddenly goes:

And the guy actually puts the knife down and walks away.

Almost being stabbed to death by a Teletubby on crack makes Elizabeth take her own war room more seriously. As she’s posting pieces of bible scripture on the walls, she finds out from a friend that Tony is about to cheat on her with a white woman.

So she does her best Kerry Washington cry face and prays to Jesus to cockblock Tony.

And in an attempt to drive Satan out of her house, delivers the worst monologue I’ve ever heard.

Thanks to Elizabeth’s prayer, black Jesus strikes Tony with food poisoning, discouraging him from being an adulterous bastard.

When Tony gets back home, he gets fired from his job. Turns out he wasn’t only an abusive, adulterous piece of shit but was also engaging in illegal sales at work. Hitting rock bottom makes him realize how much of his daughter’s life he’s been missing. He also finds Elizabeth’s war room and sees her prayer points, which include wanting him to stop being a fucking douche and love her again.

He cries stupidly and begs for Elizabeth’s forgiveness, giving his life to Christ in the process. Later, he gets a job at the neighbourhood community centre. He tells Elizabeth about the job and how it pays less than his former job and she replies with this:

Me after watching this:

One more thing before I go: Ladies, don’t let people or movies peddling messages like this deceive you. If a man is being bastard, it’s HIM that’s doing it, not the devil. No amount of praying and crying in a cupboard under the stairs can change a man who doesn’t want to be changed.

“i can change him” girl did he shit himself

— graveyardkid (@gravey4rdkid) March 24, 2021

Until next week, y’all.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “White Hunters,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I’ll be recapping the insanely problematic 2010 Nollywood franchise, White Hunters.

Among the popular fashion trends that have come and gone in women’s fashion, the abortion belt was the fucking worst.

Contrary to what the name will have you believe, White Hunters is not about women hunting white men for sport in a Hunger Games-style arena. It’s a Nollywood franchise consisting of FOUR MOVIES about a group of women who have decided to exclusively date white men as a way to lift themselves out of poverty and elevate their status in society.

The movies chronicles all the insane things these women do just to bag rich white niggas. They also kick-started my trust issues because we were promised Caucasians but were given light-skinned Lebanese dudes who could barely speak English.

Let’s get into the movie.

The movie starts with Tabitha (Ini Edo) having a conversation with her boyfriend about how she can no longer fucking deal with his poverty. She shames him for earning ₦150,000 a month and tells him to go find greener pastures on another continent. Her boyfriend points out that it’s the year 2010 and ₦150,000 a month is still a huge deal but she’s completely over it.

As they’re talking, Tabitha’s white side piece, Ballack shows up. She sends her boyfriend to buy her ice cream and runs off with Ballack the second her boyfriend leaves. If you think one white nigga is enough for Tabitha, think again because, in the very next scene, Tabitha is getting her snail eaten by another white guy named O’Brian in the front seat of his car, while her friend, Pamela (Mercy Johnson), just sits there in the back.

Unknown to Tabitha, Ballack is friends with O’Brian and is approaching the car to say hi. When they spot Balak, Tabitha jumps out of a car into a bush. When Pamela later asks Tabitha why she’s such a white man’s whore, Tabitha explains that deep-throating every white man she encounters is her ticket to the good life. Pamela is like:

While on a date a few days later, Ballack informs Tabitha that he’s being transferred to Germany for work and wants her to come with him. Tabitha is not pleased by this and promptly tells him:

She convinces him to relocate to France instead and he agrees on the condition that she becomes his wife. She agrees but keeps the marriage lowkey so she can keep scamming white men.

Meanwhile, Pamela has a Nigerian fiancé named Ben, who has travelled to the UK to do some wedding shopping. When he gets back, Pamela picks him up from the airport and drives him home so she can check out all the wedding stuff. As she’s excitedly trying on the wedding dress, some random woman comes in and introduces herself as Ben’s fiancée.

Shocked by this revelation, Pamela passes out, halfway into trying the wedding dress she thought was hers. This experience is Pamela’s villain origin story. The next time we see her, a year has passed and she has become a happening babe, teaching her friend from the village, Elsie, how to get white men.

We’re introduced to a new character named Peggy (Funke Akindele) who’s an old friend of Tabitha. Peggy has been taken home by her boyfriend to meet his parents because he wants to her marry her but they kick her out when they find out she’s an illiterate secondary school dropout who can’t read. Determined to better herself, she forces her way into Tabitha’s life.

Tabitha informs Pamela that she’s throwing a party for her husband who’s returning from France. Pamela attends the party expecting to see Ballack and is shocked as hell when Tabitha introduces ANOTHER white man named Andre as her husband.

Tabitha explains that Andre is her second husband, and that neither one of her husbands knows about the other. Pamela gives Tabitha three gbosa and goes back to the party to find her own white man. They later fight when Pamela is unsuccessful with her quest and Tabitha refuses to hook her up with white men.

Peggy is also at the party hunting for white men when her Nigerian boyfriend (who was also there trying to pick up girls) sees and breaks up with her, throwing her out of his house in the process. She tries to move in with Tabitha but gets a swift:

So she worms her way into living with Pamela.

Pamela goes to her usual salon to make her hair and is told that the salon no longer caters to spinsters. She’s told that the salon will now be catering solely to the wives of white men, a decision made by a group of women who call themselves THE WHITE MEN’S WIVES LEAGUE.

I paused the movie at this point because I had to:

This infuriates Pamela so much, she resorts to chatting with white men online in a cybercafe in an attempt to bag a white man. She starts chatting with a man named Carter Walsh, gets engaged to him without knowing what he looks like, and gets super excited when he says he’s flying to Nigeria to see her.

Carter Walsh ends up being a 72-year-old man who sounds like Dracula with a sore throat and Pamela is disgusted.

After shaming Carter for being hella old, Pamela is about to leave when Carter makes her an insane offer.

She turns down his offer at first but later accepts after a run-in with Tabitha makes her super desperate. She takes him home to introduce him to her parents and while her dad is screaming in confusion about his daughter wanting to marry the crypt keeper, Carter has a heart attack and fucking DIES IN THEIR LIVING ROOM.

Peggy meets an Indian man at a supermarket who she hilariously refers to as Indiana Jones and invites him for lunch at her place. Knowing that Pamela won’t approve — because she’s still staying at Pamela’s house — Peggy convinces Elsie to slip a sleeping drug into Pamela’s food. The movie just glosses over this like it’s not a fucking horrible thing to do to a person.

Indiana Jones shows up, smelling like he fell into vat of liquid garlic, which makes Elsie and Peggy quietly go:

Peggy is still desperate for a white husband so she keeps seeing Indiana Jones. She goes to his house to bump genitals but can’t go through with it because his bedroom stinks.

She decides that a life of garlic stench is not worth it and leaves.

Things take a turn for the supernatural IN THE FOURTH FUCKING MOVIE when a close friend of Tabitha named Phina reveals to Peggy and Pamela that Tabitha has used jazz to steal all their spiritual destinies. Phina takes them to a babalawo she claims can help. To free their destinies and also acquire the power to entice any white man they choose, the babalawo instructs Peggy to sleep in a cemetery for three days straight without eating or showering, and tells Pamela to bury a three-month old baby alive.

He also gives Pamela special makeup (powder and lipstick), telling her not to let anyone else use it. In typical Nollywood fashion, Elsie comes into Pamela’s room one day looking for powder and uses the special one. Elsie starts getting propositioned by random white men on the road and Pamela gets the hilarious side effect of being SUPER MEGA HORNY ALL THE TIME.

They go back to the babalawo to reverse the horniness and he’s says the only way to do that is to sleep with a man. Pamela is relieved because that seems easy enough but then babalawo adds that the man she sleeps with has to be the only person she sleeps with for the next seven years. The consequence of straying is death.

Meanwhile, Elsie has taken advantage of her new found white man attraction powers and has moved in with O’Brian, the white man Pamela was seeing before all this happened. Pamela begs Elsie to leave O’Brian for her but Elsie is like:

Pamela proceeds to spend her days harassing men on the street to have sex with her.

Peggy’s own jazz backfires too and her left leg turns into a block of wood covered in sores (?)

If you’re wondering what happens to Tabitha, her first husband, Ballack, returns to the country unannounced and catches her with her second husband.

They both storm out, leaving her in a puddle of tears.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “State of Emergency” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

No shade, but Ian Fleming, the author of the James Bond series, has been real quiet since this movie was released. Some would say it’s because he died 40 years before “State of Emergency” was released but I say it’s because he knew he’d never write anything better.

The movie starts with a team of FBI officers storming a house whose occupants they believe are in danger of being killed. In typical Nigerian fashion, they get there late, and the victim, the teenage daughter of the commissioner of health, is already dead as hell.

Detective officer Smith (Saint Obi) — that’s what the character introduces himself as — is pissed that they didn’t get there in time and yells at his superior, the leader of the team, because of this. They proceed to have a dick measuring contest.

At the scene of another murder, Smith notices a sign drawn on the floor in blood.

Because it’s an omega sign, I wonder if Darkseid (from the DC universe) is behind the killings. The movie proves me wrong when Smith leaves the crime scene without permission and goes home to stare at an old photograph.

While Smith’s superiors are yelling at him for leaving the crime scene without telling anyone, the killers go to the house of the state governor and fill his daughter’s chest with bullet holes. When the police team get to the governor’s house, the governor is like:

And even though the FBI are sympathetic, one of them has a look on his face like he’s itching to say:

Smith sees the omega sign again and informs his superior of his findings, adding that the same bullets used to kill the governor’s daughter (bullets only used by the military) are the same as the bullets used to kill the other victim.

As Smith is talking, I wonder what alternate reality this movie takes place in because, in my almost 3 decades alive, I’ve never met a Nigerian law enforcement agent so good at their job. When Smith is done talking, his superior looks at him for a few seconds and goes:

And I was like, “Yes. This is the level of incompetence I’m accustomed to.”

Smith goes to talk to a former soldier he served in the military with and tells this person that he believes an old military squad named Omega 12 are in town murdering people. He says that his superiors don’t believe him, which is insane because at NO POINT did he tell his superiors this. The retired soldier (whose name is never mentioned) yarns a lot of okoto that basically boils down to this:

Officer Smith gets word that an event which will be attended by a bunch of politicians is set to hold at the National Arts Theatre.

National Arts Theatre?? REALLY??!

Smith finds out an old friend of his named Kevin is the head of the SSS team in charge of security at the event. Smith tries to convince Kevin to shut down the event because he believes Omega 12 are on their way there. After looking him up and down, Kevin says:

Kevin points out that he doesn’t have the power to call off the event because it was organised by the president. He also says something about Smith putting him in trouble in the past but I can’t remember what exactly because the characters in this movie have too much unnecessary backstory. The event starts and when the camera pans out to show everyone present…

…I once again ask myself why they’re having this event here, seated on a long table on a stage like the family of the couple at a wedding, and not at Aso Rock or some other fancy place.

Just as Smith predicted, the Omega 12 team shows up at the event. They cut off the air conditioner from the main hall and then POORLY disguise themselves as electricians there to fix it.

They totally look like terrorists and not one of these security agents clocked them! They weren’t even searched!

When all members of the squad are in, they whip out a shit load of guns and shoot up the place. Kevin, who is inside the building when this happens, is able to subdue a member of the squad close to the door.

Charles (J.T Tom West), the leader of the squad, is like:

So Kevin runs out and tells his men to fall back. While all this is happening, we’re shown the FBI control room and it’s literally just an early 2000s music recording studio, complete with speakers and a control board.

THEY DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO CHANGE IT UP! LMAO!

To make things worse, the FBI guy asks the control room agents to patch him into National Arts Theatre communications system so he can speak to the terrorists. So they hand him a MICROPHONE!

When the terrorists don’t respond, they remember that Smith mentioned something about a terrorist attack so they send for him. He shows up and gets Charles to talk.

Charles demands to speak to the president and when Smith says no, he shoots another hostage. When the hostage falls over dead, there’s a huge hole in the crotch areas of his trousers.

This movie’s budget was really N10,000 sha.

It turns out that Omega 12 was a super secret division of the military used by the Nigerian government to do horrible things in war-torn countries around Africa. At some point, they were abandoned behind enemy lines in Angola and left for dead. The government denied their existence and moved on. Now the team is back for revenge or something. Smith used to be one of them and that’s how he knows Charles.

The FBI attempts to send a bunch of military men through a tunnel to break into the National Arts Theatre (Lol) to ambush the terrorists but half of them get blown up because the terrorists had the good mind to rig the tunnel with explosives. As all this is happening, members of the press are standing RIGHT THERE getting all the tea.

This entire movie is just filled with insane scenarios.

Honestly, not much happens in this movie. There’s an unintentionally funny scene where Kevin offers Smith a cup of coffee and Smith is like:

It’s so pointlessly dramatic because either you want the coffee or you don’t. Jesus.

A whole lot of nothing happens. There’s a terrible CGI shoot out. A bomb scare at a hospital, and the terrorists are captured. Charles tries to escape with a hostage but gets shot in the head by Smith and the movie ends. I need you guys to see the way Charles falls when he’s shot.

Give J.T Tom West a posthumous Oscar right now!

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Facebook really is the Pandora’s box of social media websites.

First of all, I want to say thank you to all the awesome people on Twitter who like “So You Don’t Have To” enough to send me potential series fodder. You guys help me keep this insane series running and I would french-kiss every single one of you in gratitude if I could.

Me, vacuuming your tonsils with my tongue, one by one.

So my homeboy and resident Zikoko mad person, Kunle, put me on to this tweet.

I need @grandpabbychuck to infiltrate this group and bring us tea. https://t.co/AiTamQMd3D

— Olakunle Ologunro (@KunleOlogunro) March 5, 2021

And because I like hot garbage, I figured I’d get in my 007 bag and join the group to bring you guys their gist. I thought the group would be private so I had already crafted the persona I would use to get in using my burner Facebook account.

Yes. I have a burner Facebook account.

This was going to be my message to the page’s admin.

“Good afternoon, ma. My name is Jonathan. I’m a man looking to rid myself of the demon who makes me beat my meat every chance I get. I thought getting rid of all my lube would help but that just made me jerk off dry. The friction almost started a fire and now my dick looks like raw meat. Please let me into this group!”

However, turns out the page is open. So I just strolled in and got the info I needed.

The group was created in 2014 by a group of Christian mothers with the aim of making the world a better place for their children.

Imagine being a 5-year-old asking your mum to read you a bedtime story and then she whips out her bible to read you the story of how God struck a man dead for refusing to impregnate his dead brother’s wife.

Even weirder than their mission is the way they spread their message. In attempt to connect with their target audience (the youth), they post weird memes that they think support their cause but really don’t. It makes it seem like the admins of the page are trying to do this:

I scrolled down their page and compiled a list of their (unintentionally) funny posts. You’re welcome.

This gem.

This tweet was made by a famous American Twitter comedian. I’m blown away that that fact didn’t let the admins of this page know that this was a joke.

This isn’t even true.

If this was a ladder — like in the famous Agnes Iro song, “Follow The Ladder” — needing both your hands would make sense. What’s in this picture is a flight of stairs. You only need your legs.

Danny is going through it.

In what decade did teenagers talk like this??

This is more about the dangers of meth than anything else really.

To be engulfed in the throes of masturbation while still having the strength to fight off 15 people is enough reason for the police to have recruited him.

The more you know.

If you have sex with women and the devil has never appeared in the corner of your room mid-coitus, that means you don’t know where the clit is. And to that I say, LMAO.

OH COME ON!

This was the post that made me think that the admins are trolling people. “We can beat it together”?! Could a joke be more obvious??

Kings. Don’t forget to ask the important questions before wifing her.

Don’t just ask if she knows how to do the gluck gluck 3000. Also, ask if she’s ever gone spelunking in her sin cave.

SDSHGDHGSJDJKHFJKSDHKJSHJ!

AMEN(?)!

Did they have to use nuns to illustrate this??

The people who run this page believe unnecessary ejaculation is a sin and is tantamount to abortion. I guess that episode of Family Guy where Stewie meets his unborn brother, Bertram, in Peter’s testicles was scientifically accurate.

This image is going to haunt my dreams forever.

Why is the guy wanking on the beach in broad daylight? Why is he right in front of the ocean like he’s trying to flash passing mermaids? The look on that drawing of God’s face. LMAO.

Last but not the least, I present to you, the group’s profile picture.

You guys. I need to go lie down. This entire thing has made me dizzy.

See y’all next week.

I Read “My Book Of Bible Stories” So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

The book that taught an entire generation of children that every biblical character was white.

“My Book Of Bible Stories” was super popular when I was a kid. In primary school, my friends and I would go through the book solemnly learning important biblical life lessons. Then we would get to the end, close the book, and go forth to sin some more. Because we were like 8 years old and didn’t really give a shit about which section of the afterlife our souls would end up when we die.

8-year-old me ceremoniously beheading a rat that did nothing to me and enjoying it.

So I recently found my old copy, and after going through it and screaming to any family member who would listen about how every single character depicted in it is white as hell, I figured I would get some “So You Don’t Have To” out of it.

Because what’s the point of experiencing anything if you can’t mine it for content?

Before we get on this incredibly nostalgic and caucasian ride, I would like to let you guys know something I just found out. “My Book Of Bible Stories” is a product of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. It’s described on their website as a “book that gives you an idea of what the Bible is all about. It tells about people of the Bible and the things they did. It also shows the grand hope of everlasting life in a paradise earth that God has given to people.“

Ok. I’ll stop now.

The book has 116 chapters and I am not going to talk about every one of them because God forbid. So I’ll just drop commentary about the drawings instead.

Chapter 1: God Begins To Make Things

The bible (and this book) says that all of earth was submerged in water but this picture has rivers of lava and erupting volcanos. It’s like the prompt for the drawing was, “A movie adaptation of the Christian creation story directed by Micheal Bay.”

Chapter 3: The First Man and Woman

I will forever be tickled by the fact that this book depicted Adam and Eve coming into existence with such amazing hair. Look at Eve’s luscious mane. Do you know how long one would have to sit with curlers in their hair to achieve this??

Chapter 3: A Good Son, And A Bad One

My favourite thing about this is how, based on the location of Abel’s wound, Cain was so jealous of God rejecting his sacrifice and accepting Abel’s that he hit Abel in the face with a makeshift pickaxe.

Chapter 9: Noah Builds An Ark

Look at how hard those three bastards are laughing. You can tell they were laughing that hard just to piss Noah off because there is nothing in this world that’s that funny.

Chapter 11: The First Rainbow

Rumour has it that when Noah and his family saw the rainbow and were thanking God for sparing their lives, the LGBT community were in the background plotting to steal the rainbow for themselves.

Chapter 12: Men Build A Big Tower

The tower of babel or as I like to call it, the ultimate proof that God has a wicked sense of humour. Also, look at Reed Richards with his streak of grey hair.

Chapter 14: God Tests Abraham’s Faith

We’ve all acknowledged how fucked up this story is so I’m not going to get into that. What I want to discuss today is how stressed that ram must’ve been. Almost witnessing prolicide is one thing, figuring out that YOU’RE the replacement sacrifice must’ve sucked ass.

Chapter 15: Lot’s Wife Looked Back

I will never forgive my brother for making me believe that the world’s supply of table salt comes from Lot’s wife’s corpse.

Chapter 17: Twins Who Were Different

Oh look. It’s Esau practicing for the very first Hunger Games. it will forever bother me that they named this chapter like twins not being identical is a strange thing.

Chapter 20: Jacob’s Dinah Daughter

That time when Dinah went clubbing with the Canaanite bad girls and then got sexually assaulted by some bastard named Shechem.

Chapter 28: How Baby Moses Was Saved

LOOK AT HOW SICKENING PHAROAH’S DAUGHTER’S EYE MAKEUP IS!!!!!

Chapter 36: The Golden Calf

The first thing I’d do if I figure out time travel is to go back in time to this era and join this party because it looks bitching!

Chapter 89: Jesus Cleans Out The Temple

This drawing of Jesus looks like angry Bradley Cooper.

And so ends this session of “Walks Down Memory Lane With Astor.” Join me again next week to see me rip apart yet another piece of pop culture.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Suicide Mission” So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood movie, “Suicide Mission.“

So much beauty in one picture. I want both Regina Askia and RMD to be my sugar parents. They can have me for three days each and alternating Sundays. I don’t mind being shared.

The movie starts with Austin (RMD) hanging by his neck under a bridge. Because he doesn’t look excited to be there, I can tell that he didn’t put himself in this situation. While he’s squirming, someone who looks a lot like the girl who sang “Chinwe ike” pops out of the water and calls to him.

The rope suddenly cuts and he falls to his death, screaming annoyingly the entire way down. I scream along with him because what the fuck kind of Nollywood movie made in 1998 starts with a suicide?

It turns out that all this has been a nightmare. Austin wakes up screaming and his wife, Winnie, who is next to him wakes up and is like:

He tells her about the dream but doesn’t mention the light-skinned woman. Winnie mumbles something about Austin needing to be more careful and goes back to sleep, which is a really stupid thing to tell a person who just had a nightmare but whatever I guess.

The next day, Austin goes to visit a friend. While there, he meets Monique (Regina Askia-Williams) who, the second she lays eyes on him, immediately decides that she wants him to destroy her honey pot with his weapon of love.

Monique tells her friend, Tracy (the wife of the person Austin is there to visit), that she wants to jump around on Austin’s disco stick. When Tracy informs Monique that Austin is married, Monique is like:

And she wasn’t even kidding with that last line because in the very next scene, she and Tracy are in a babalawo’s shrine asking for juju that’ll make Austin marry her. This is how the conversation goes between then:

Monique goes home and serves lewks in a montage while considering her options. Just to be clear, these are her options:

• Have sex with a dead body while a pervy babalawo watches so she can marry some man she’s literally only spoken to for five seconds.

• Not have sex with a dead body, carry on with her life, and find another man to marry

However, Monique is super grossed out by the corpse the babalawo brings to life and runs away as fast as her skirt suit will let her.

But because it’s night time, she gets lost and the horny corpse catches up with and rapes her. When Austin doesn’t immediately leave his family and run away with her, Monique realises the ritual didn’t work and is furious that she slept with a zombie for nothing. Tracy takes her to another juju man who tells her that she has to perform a few rituals before she gets what she wants.

Monique is terrified that she’ll be asked to do something disgusting again so she’s like:

She calms down when the juju man says she’ll have to do a dry fast for three days…

…but gets stressed again when he says she’ll also have to throw her underwear into the ocean and go into the ocean to pick a bunch of cowries.

Monique returns to the juju man after she’s done with her tasks. He summons Austin’s spirit and tosses it into a groundnut bottle, giving her complete control of him. Austin, under Monique’s influence, tells Winnie that he’s marrying a second wife. When Winnie tries to protest, he’s like:

After Monique marries Austin and moves into his house, she spends her free time torturing his spirit.

WandaVision (2021)

Because being a second wife isn’t good enough for her, Monique steals $10,000 cash from Austin and frames Winnie for the theft, leading to Austin throwing Winnie out. Winnie wanders the streets with her luggage and it’s supposed to be sad but it makes me laugh because it reminds me of that meme of Osita Iheme dragging a giant box:

With no where to go, Winnie goes to her church to meet the pastor. The pastor, dressed in an insane bright yellow blazer, goes back to Winnie’s house to see if he can beg Austin to take her back but Austin throws both of them out.

With Winnie gone, Monique treats her kids like trash. Eventually, they steal money from Austin’s room and run away from home. Austin notices they’re gone and when he asks where they are, Monique says Winnie must’ve come for them. No one discovers what really happened until ONE MONTH LATER when Winnie comes to visit and is told by the gateman.

Meanwhile, the kids are now living in an uncompleted building, and one of them is struck by an unidentified illness.

But he dies not long after. The surviving two eventually run out of money and start selling sachet water to survive.

While out selling water one day, they run into Winnie and have a group hug in the middle of the street. They inform her that one of them is dead and they all cry. As all this is happening, I’m wondering what they did with the body and if Winnie even looked for them at all.

Meanwhile, Austin is slowly getting sick of Monique’s shit. He finds out that she’s spent N2.5 million in a month and yells at her for it. When he walks away, she’s like:

She decides to kill Austin and inherit all his money. She goes to a babalawo who gives her poison to put in Austin’s food. However, she’s told to keep the poison away from water but gets caught in the rain on her way home, causing her to run mad.

Austin finds her after three days, eating garbage and chasing people, and takes her to a psychiatric hospital. The doctor says he can’t find anything wrong with her and suggests — I shit you not — that Austin takes her to a church.

After a hot deliverance session led by a pastor played by Patrick Doyle, Monique confesses to everything she’s done. Pastor Patrick Doyle asks her to bring out the groundnut bottle with Austin’s spirit in it and she does but mistakenly drops and breaks it. As punishment for ruining all the juju, she turns into a local dog and runs away.

An angel dressed in china white comes to Winnie in a dream and tells her to go back to Austin because he’s now free from the clutches of evil. As Winnie gets to the house, Austin is about to hang himself (mirroring the events in the movie’s opening scene). Heavenly lightning strikes the rope, stopping him from dying. They all hug.

If you enjoyed this article, share it with people OR ELSE:

You’ve been warned.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Karishika” So You Don’t Have To

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1996 Nollywood horror classic, Karishika.

Am I the only one who thought Karishika was Satan’s employee? Why does this say he’s in trouble?

It was the 1990s and for some strange reason, Nigerians just couldn’t get enough of Nollywood movies about fine, light-skinned women coming to earth from hell to kill, steal, and destroy men who were unlucky enough to eat their snail. Producers picked up on this and began churning them out anyhow and that’s how we got movies like Nneka the Pretty Serpent, Sakobi the Snake Girl, and, the movie I will be recapping today, Karishika.

The movie starts with a company-wide meeting in hell. You know people are gathered because you can hear their voices but you can’t properly see them because the movie’s lighting is shit. The meeting is being led by Lucifer, who is dressed in what looks like a Whore of Babylon halloween costume.

Satan is upset because hell isn’t getting enough new souls and he hates having to hang out with the same tortured souls all the time. He says he needs someone to send earth to recruit more souls. For a few seconds, all the demons unlook and I don’t blame them because who the fuck wants that kind of responsibility? Just when you think no one is going to volunteer, Karishika steps forward and is like:

So Satan transfers some of his powers to her by spiritually vomiting in her mouth…

…and sends her to earth via a portal disguised as a tomb in a graveyard.

I can’t believe an Ankara shirt and abortion belt combo was the best Hell’s wardrobe department could do.

After leaving the graveyard, she kills the first person she sees and steals his car.

Karishika goes to a church the next day, shape-shifts into a cabman, and picks up two passengers. One of them is a woman named Bianca who has been struggling to get pregnant and is telling her friend about it. The next day, Karishika shape-shifts into the friend Bianca shared a cab with and goes to Bianca’s house to tell her about a spiritualist named Daddy Jonathan who specializes in helping women looking to conceive. Bianca is initially against this idea because of her faith but Karishika is like:

Bianca suggests visiting Daddy Jonathan and her husband, Desmond, is furious. He orders her not to go and even reports her to their pastor but she goes anyway. Daddy Jonathan (with Karishika posing as his assistant but really just there to enjoy the chaos) takes her to the middle of a forest and performs a ritual during which he beats her with a crucifix…

…and slits the throat of a pigeon over head, drenching her in its blood.

I believe that this movie and the original Living in Bondage exist in the same universe. Don’t even try to convince me otherwise.

When Daddy Jonathan’s ritual doesn’t work, Karishika, who has befriended Bianca at this point, takes her to appease a river goddess with eggs in the hopes that the river goddess will give Bianca a child. Instead, the goddess says this:

Bianca screams and passes out while Karishika turns into a fish and possesses Bianca. Bianca ends up in the hospital (the movie doesn’t say how she got there) with Desmond and pastor having a hot prayer session at her bedside. Karishika leaves Bianca’s body because the prayer is too much which causes Bianca to wake up and reveal all the spiritual hijinks she’s been up to.

Because Karishika is a messy bitch who lives for chaos, she finds another woman struggling to conceive and brings her to Daddy Jonathan.

She also goes to seduce some random pastor who has nothing to do with the movie’s plot. She goes to him under the guise of having an evil spirit problem and asks him to pray for her. Presented in a series of images without commentary, this is how the prayer session goes:

And then they proceed to bump genitals.

Meanwhile, Bianca has finally gotten knocked up and gives birth to a baby boy she Igbo-ly names Divine. The other woman who Karishika took to Daddy Jonathan dies while giving birth to a baby-shaped tuber of yam.

And he left his wife’s body there.

A few years later, Bianca and Desmond’s son, Divine, has grown up to be a piece of shit, stealing and causing trouble everywhere. Bianca suggests that they take Divine for deliverance but Desmond refuses. When they both have synchronised nightmares about Divine trying to stab them to death, they decide to go to a pastor. On their way out of the house in the middle of the night, they run into the pastor in their living room. When they ask him why he’s there, he says:

And the entire time I’m just like, “DID YOU PEOPLE GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT LOCKING YOUR DOORS?!”

The pastor says he can sense evil in the house and asks to see their son. They make their way to his bedroom when they realise he’s been unconscious at a corner of the living room.

The same living room they’ve all been in this whole time.

HOW DID THEY NOT SEE HIM ON THEIR WAY OUT?!

The pastor performs an exorcism on Divine and this causes Karishika and a coupe of other demons to appear and start attacking the pastor with what looks like the choreography from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”

Lucifer, who has had a sickening costume change, is watching everything on his 32 inch TV in hell…

…when an angel descends from heaven to whoop his ass.

I REALLY need you guys to see this angel up close.

The angel tells Lucifer to stop being an evil bastard and Lucifer is like, “Fuck no.” So the angel leaves and God crushes all of hell with his giant caucasian palm.

Literally.

Bianca and her family are saved and the movie ends with what’s supposed to be a cliffhanger.

But slap my scrotum and call me Cletus if you see me watch any sequels or spinoffs because I’ve suffered enough watching this one.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Emotional Crack” So You Don’t Have To

Karishika Karishika Karishika Karishika

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be recapping the 2003 Nollywood drama, Emotional Crack, starring Ramsey Nouah, Stephenie Okereke Linus, and Dakore Egbuson-Akande.

That wig on Dakore’s head looks like a small rodent.

Long before the movie, Men in Love, Nollywood began its insane homophobic agenda with this movie. It starred Ramsey Nouah as a man trying to free his wife (Stephenie Okereke Linus) from the evil clutches of a home-wrecking lesbian (Dakore Egbuson).

The movie starts with Chudi (Ramsey Nouah) coming out of the shower in a towel. He’s wiping himself off when his wife, Crystal (Stephenie Okereke Linus) comes in and tries to initiate sex. You can tell that their marriage is a mess because Chudi is like:

Crystal sets up a candle-lit dinner so she and Chudi can celebrate his birthday when he gets back from work. What she doesn’t know is that Chudi is at the office spending time with Camilla (Dakore Egbuson-Akande), a woman whose snail he’s eating on the side.

Chudi is running late so Crytal calls to ask what’s taking him so long. Chudi, who had already promised to stay over at Camilla’s house that night because he FORGOT THAT IT WAS BIRTHDAY THAT DAY, starts to rush home when Camilla asks for a goodbye kiss. That kiss must’ve led to something else because he gets home THE NEXT MORNING looking like this:

It was either this or Beyonce’s “Partition”.

We get a deeper look into how messed up their marriage is when Crystal, understandably pissed, is like:

And Chudi responds by punching her in the face repeatedly. In typical abuser fashion, he comes back a while later to apologise, promising never to do it and feeds her breakfast like that’s supposed to change anything.

Later that day, Crystal goes to hang out with friends, wearing giant sunglasses to hide her bruises. When she takes them off, her friends scream and ask if her husband has been using her for WWE practice again. Crystal lies that the bruises are the effects of an allergy but her friends aren’t buying it.

Crystal is tired of being a housewife so she gets a job as an accountant. Because she didn’t tell him about it, Chudi beats her until she ends up in the hospital with a bandage around her head and a pack of Don Simon’s Sangria on her bedside table.

Chudi comes to the hospital with a gift and apologises for knocking her unconscious and leaving her lying in a pool of blood. He says he’s made an appointment with a pastor because he needs help.

A pastor. Lol

Chudi sees the pastor and sounds like he really does want to turn his life around but in the very next scene is shown on a date with Camilla. He tells her that he’s taking Crystal to a party he was supposed to attend with Camilla and Camilla is pissed. He walks off while she’s throwing a tantrum and she’s like:

While dancing with Crystal at the party, Chudi sees Camilla grinding on another man and goes to tell him to keep his hands off his girlfriend. As this is happening, Crystal starts dancing innocently with a random guy. Chudi sees this and speeds across the dance floor to slap her so hard the entire room — including Camilla — goes:

Men are trash.

Crystal goes to the bathroom to cry and Camilla follows to comfort her and they become friends. An unspecified amount of time later, Crystal goes to visit Camilla at her house. After eating inappropriately-sized pieces of chicken with rice, Crystal tells Camilla all the gory details about her marriage to Chudi. The entire time, Crystal is talking, Camilla looks at her like this:

When Crystal is done with her depressing monologue, Camilla gives her lingerie as a gift. Crystal is too excited about being given a gift to wonder why this person she doesn’t even really know is gifting her underwear. She eventually comes to her senses and asks why. That’s when Camilla says this:

Crystal immediately goes home and thinks about all the nice things Camilla has done for her while a generic early 2000s Nollywood soundtrack plays in the background. As she’s eating what’s supposed to be pizza but really looks like bread and egusi, Camilla calls.

Eventually, Crystal gives in and starts smooshing genitals with Camilla, and it turns out that lesbian sex was all Crystal needed to build her confidence. The next time Chudi tries to hit her, she stops him and says she won’t go down without a fight. Chudi is like:

Crystal confides in her twin sister about her affair with Camilla and it does not go down well.

And that wasn’t even all of it.

Crystal starts feeling guilty and attempts to end things with Camilla. Camilla threatens to out her, even going as far as sending a letter to Chudi’s office. Crystal goes to Camilla’s house to tell her to stop being a crazy bitch but gets seduced into one last roll in the hay. Things go south when Chudi shows up.

This is when Camilla reveals that she did all this as revenge for Chudi breaking up with her. She seduced Crystal and called Chudi to come over so he’d catch them in the throes of passion. Chudi is upset that Crystal cheated on him and throws her out of the house, which is INSANE BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER FIRST.

However, Camilla says she really has fallen in love with Crystal and stalks her begging for her love. Camilla eventually loses her mind and goes to Crystal’s house with a knife.

Chudi and Crystal’s twin sister happen to show up at Crystal’s house during this attack and Camilla threatens to stab all three of them.

But in a not so shocking turn of events, she ends up stabbing herself in the stomach and dies.

I Went Through Popular Illuminati Conspiracy Theories So You Don’t Have To

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

The year is 2009. It’s a Saturday afternoon and you’re using the 10MB MTN gave you after loading N100 credit to browse Facebook on your Nokia Xpress Music phone. Rick Dees is counting away the hits on the radio and the song “Judas” by that new pop girl, Lady Gaga, comes on. You’re nodding your head to the beat and singing along when you gasp and stop because you realise that you sang the line that goes:

Now you’re spiralling because according to the guy that runs the VigilantCitzen website, Lady Gaga is an industry pawn sent by Baphomet to collect souls with her music and you’ve pledged your allegiance to him by singing that line.

Life is fucking awful.

I was on Twitter the other day when I came across this video:

Jesus protect us all. pic.twitter.com/yCqrVGReCE

— mon. (@mxniquexo) January 26, 2021

For those who didn’t watch the video because they don’t have data or just don’t like hearing word, the girl in it talks about how superstar singers like Beyonce have sold their soul to the devil to attain fame. Then she proceeds to play Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” played backwards, claims that she could hear some of the following lines in the gibberish:

“Now he made it in. He wish to infest. Living scared. The world will bow to Lucifer. The world will not have fun. The world will bow to me. People’s tears fall.”

This reminded me of when a lot of Nigerians (me included) were OBSESSED with Illuminati conspiracy theories and which artists’ songs could earn you a one-way ticket to the realm of eternal hot girl summer. So I decided to take us all on a cringe-worthy trip down memory lane by listing out the most popular ones.

1) When they said this sign was a fancy way of flashing the number of the beast (666).

I remember how I would froth at the mouth with a mix of fear and excitement whenever any famous person would do this. All because the bastard that put together that wildly inaccurate conspiracy theory video series titled “The Arrivals” claimed that it was a way famous people used to show that they were down with the prince of darkness.

2) When they said we shouldn’t listen to Chris Brown’s “Fallen Angel” because it’s supposedly about Lucifer.

I’m going to leave this one up to you guys. Listen to the lyrics and tell me what you think in the comments.

This isn’t the real video btw. Just a compilation of clips from different Christ Brown videos.

3) When they accused Obama of being the Antichrist.

It was all fun and games until the conspiracy theories surrounding Obama’s citizenship status took a turn for the supernatural and he was accused of hailing from down under (and I don’t mean Australia). This was so popular that if you typed in “Is Obama…” Google would complete it with “…the antichrist” or “reincarnated Adolf Hitler.”

4) When they accused Beyonce of giving birth to the antichrist in 2012.

Blue Ivy hadn’t fully formed in her mother’s womb when some people on the internet began referring to her as the literal spawn of Satan. They cited her mother’s superstar status and the secrecy surrounding her birth as proof.

Blue Ivy is 9 years old now and I can’t wait until she kickstarts the great tribulation and enslaves mankind for 7 years.

5) When they accused Don Jazzy and the entire MAVIN crew of initiating Nigerians into a cult with their 2014 hit song, “Dorobucci.”

“Is Don Jazzy’s Dorobucci An Occultic Song?” – Pulse

I mean, the song was a jam but people using “Doro” as a prefix to everything was annoying as hell. I would totally understand if someone made up this rumour so people would leave the song alone.

6) Finally, when they accused a ton of important people around the world of being humanoid reptilian aliens.

David Icke — the man who originated this conspiracy theory — has been described by many people as a professional theorist.

I don’t have any thing to say about that. I just think it’s fucking hilarious.

Here’s some of the stuff David Icke believes:

I mean, when you take into account the fact that Queen Elizabeth has been alive for 200 years one might wonder if she isn’t secretly related to Dr Curt Connors.

Now that we’ve gotten to the end of this, it’s time for YOU to sit quietly and cringe to death as you remember all the times you tried to tell people, unprovoked, that Rihanna got impregnated by the devil in the music video for “Umbrella” or that the real Beyonce died on the set of “Crazy In Love” and was replaced by Sasha Fierce.

Goodbye.

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 2003 Nollywood movie titled, “Blood Sisters” starring Genevieve Nnaji and Omotola Jalade Ekeinde.

The movie starts with Esther (Genevieve) returning home from school with her friend, Chioma. They’re talking shit about one of their teachers when Chioma implies that Esther is an olodo by complaining about how Esther keeps asking her for answers during exams. Esther, who the movie has shown us is hot-headed, is about to whoop Chioma’s ass when her sister, Gloria (Omotola), breaks up the fight.

It kills me that old Nollywood thought putting grown-ass women in pinafores and cornrows was enough to de-age them.

Pissed that her sister didn’t take her side in this fight, Esther rushes home and puts Gloria in trouble with their mother (Patience Ozokwor) by implying that Gloria went somewhere after school. Their mother decides that Gloria must’ve gone a-hoeing so this happens when Gloria gets home:

And the whole time, Esther is just sitting there like:

After Esther puts Gloria in trouble a few more times, Gloria sits Esther down to ask why exactly she’s such a lying ass bitch. Esther reveals that it’s because she’s jealous of Gloria, and, in the same breath, accuses Gloria of using bleaching cream. The conversation ends with Gloria beating the shit out of Esther.

Three years later, both Esther and Gloria are now university babes decked in insane early 2000s fashion. Gloria now has a boyfriend and Esther is super jealous because she hasn’t been able to get a man of her own. One day, Gloria’s boyfriend, Emma, comes to the house when only Esther is home. Esther serves soap opera villain realness by lying and telling Emma that Gloria went to a hotel with another man. Emma believes her and leaves a letter for Gloria to read when she gets back. What follows is this iconic scene:

pls this is acc my fav video “keep being the bad girl you are”😭😭 pic.twitter.com/79AKvZPJae

— BukiRonke (@bukironke) September 28, 2020

Distraught and confused, Gloria wants to go beg Emma but Esther threatens to tell their mother if she does. She shames Gloria for crying over a man when there are “plenty fishes in the sea.” The next day, Esther goes to Emma’s house and is like:

But he’s still hurt by Gloria’s “infidelity” so he replies with this:

A few years later, Gloria is happily married to a man named Kenneth (Tony Umez) while Esther is broke and unemployed. Esther shows up at Gloria’s house in Lagos and asks to stay there for a few months while she looks for a job. Kenneth is initially against the idea but acquiesces after Gloria begs. Esther’s reaction when Gloria informs her that she can stay reveals that she’s still the same jealous bitch she’s always been.

I don’t know about y’all but if my sibling who’s dedicated their life to ruining mine asks to come to live with me, I’d say no. But I guess the writer insisted on making Gloria an idiot.

It doesn’t take long for Esther’s jealousy to overwhelm her. So one day, after an argument between her and Gloria, this happens:

This is how Esther decides to kill Gloria. And she does so by feeding her poisoned oranges.

Kenneth comes home with their kids. While he’s parking the car, their kids enter the house and find Gloria sprawled out on the living room floor like a rag doll. Without wondering why their mother is lying on the ground, they start bitching about being hungry.

When she doesn’t move, they scream for their dad, who runs in and goes:

Kenneth takes her to the hospital but it’s too late. When Gloria is pronounced dead, the child actress playing her daughter, Adaobi, proceeds to give the best performance in the entire movie.

How did they get her to cry like this?

Esther waits for three weeks after Gloria’s funeral to start hitting on Kenneth. However, he doesn’t get the hints so she takes things up a notch by visiting him in Lagos, pretending to have a nightmare, and seducing him.

Meanwhile, Kenneth’s kids are in the village with their grandmother and can’t fucking deal because she’s dirt poor and keeps feeding them yam everyday. This is because Esther has stopped Kenneth from visiting them or sending money for their upkeep. While Kenneth and Esther are giving each other googly eyes over giant pieces of chicken and Blue Cocktail…

…the kids have started hawking oranges to survive, which I found HILARIOUS seeing as it was oranges that killed their mother.

When Kenneth’s son, Junior, falls ill, Grandma goes to Lagos to find out why Kenneth hasn’t yet come to see his kids. She gets to the house to find Esther dressed in the official Nollywood madam-of-the-house uniform and visibly pregnant with Kenneth’s child.

Super grossed out by Esther’s actions, she goes back to the village to report to her late husband’s brothers. One of them agrees to go see Kenneth along with Adaobi. When they get there, Adaobi tearfully asks her father why he’s such a deadbeat piece of shit.

Seriously, someone give this girl an Oscar.

Adaobi runs away after her award-winning monologue and is found by the police. When she’s brought back home, Esther looks her in the face and says:

Esther demands that Kenneth retrieve Junior from the village so he can come help with house chores. Grandma is reluctant to let Junior go for fear of him being maltreated so she makes Kenneth swear on Gloria’s grave that he won’t. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how supernatural elements get shoved into the third act of this long ass movie in the form of Gloria’s ghost popping up to watch over her children.

Can my fellow “Sonic Underground” fans MAKE SOME NOISE?!!!

After seeing how Esther treats the kids, Ghost Gloria is like:

And she proceeds to do that.

Ghost Gloria visits Junior and Adaobi’s teacher in her dreams and begs her to go help them. She then visits Kenneth in his dream and tells him to “bring the teacher home.” When Esther goes into labour, Gloria stops the baby from coming out so Esther has to endure labour pains for FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT. Then Ghost Gloria kills the baby as soon it’s born and causes Esther to lose her sight.

After a few more weeks of being haunted by Ghost Gloria, Esther returns to the village and confesses to killing Gloria. The elders of the village decide not to kill her (WTF?!) and banish her instead. The night before she’s to be banished, Esther commits suicide by hanging herself.

Which is insane because HOW DID A BLIND PERSON MANAGE TO DO THIS?!

I Watched Kate Henshaw’s Classic Comedy, Stolen Bible, So You Don’t Have To.

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