Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I will be recapping the super chaotic 2008 Nollywood movie, “Beyonce & Rihanna”

Get a load of those outfits. The insane 2000s fashion energy is strong with this one.

The drugs going around Nollywood in 2008 must’ve been cheap as hell because a movie executive most likely in the middle of a three-day-long cocaine bender sat down and decided to make FOUR movies about the ‘Beyonce and Rihanna fighting over Jay Z‘ rumours. I hope that that movie executive eventually went to rehab and got the help they needed but I’m also grateful to them for creating the batshit franchise that is “Beyonce & Rihanna.”

The movie starts with Jay (Jim Iyke), a music producer auditioning two female singers in his home. His girlfriend, Bernice (Nadia Buari), shows up looking like a Mount Zion movie university cult member and throws the girls out because she believes they have plans to sleep with Jay.

Bernice is terrified that Jay is going to cheat on her with one (or all) of the many aspiring female singers who throw themselves at him for a chance at a record deal. So she decides to move into his house to keep a closer eye on him. Her father doesn’t like the idea of her going to live with a man she’s not married to and Bernice claims it’s because she needs proper space to practice for a singing competition she’s currently in. Her father has this to say about her reasons:

Bernice’s father orders her not to leave the house but she does anyway so he promptly disowns her. She drives to Jay’s house and forcefully moves in. Jay doesn’t want this but also doesn’t want Bernice’s wahala so he just lets her go in and is like:

We’re introduced to Rhyme (Omotola Jalade Ekeinde) in the next scene when she mistakenly hits Bernice with her car. When Bernice sees that it’s Rhyme that’s hit her, she has a flashback to their days in uni when she lost a singing competition to Rhyme. She also remembers that she’s up against Rhyme in the singing competition she’s currently in. Filled with rage, she angrily accuses Rhyme of trying to kill her. Rhyme explains that it was an accident but Bernice isn’t listening. She steals Rhyme’s car and drives off grand theft auto style. Rhyme is left standing at the side of the road like:

When Jay finds out what Bernice has done, he returns Rhyme’s car to her. While talking, they exchange subtle glances that seem to say:

But nothing happens and they go their separate ways. It’s established that Rhyme is the level-headed one and Bernice is insecure and noisy. For like one hour, the movie is just a montage of Bernice and Rhyme running into each other at random places and bickering. At some point, they book the same rehearsal space and get into a physical fight over it, causing Rhyme to beat Bernice’s ass.

When two of the judges in the singing competition both girls are in start asking the contestants to sleep with them in exchange for getting ahead in the competition (threatening the ones who turn them down with elimination)…

…Bernice and Rhyme have to work together to take them down. Rhyme thinks this means that she and Bernice will finally be on good terms, but Bernice is like:

With the evil, horny competition judges vanquished, Bernice and Rhymes make it into the semi-finals and qualify for the finals. This competition’s prize money is $100,000 so you would think that a show put together by people with that kind of money would look super fancy, yeah? Well, take a look at this:

Pictured above: The venue of a singing competition with prize money of $100,000.

Jay tries to sign Rhyme to his record label and Bernice loses her entire shit when she finds out. When Jay asks Bernice why the hell she’s so pressed by Rhyme’s existence, Bernice reveals that long before Rhyme beat her in their first competition, Rhyme stole her boyfriend. We’re shown a flashback that features both actresses in two insane wigs.

Jay tells Bernice he’s sorry that happened to her but that he’s only interested in Rhyme’s talent. Upset, Bernice goes to harass Rhymes at a place that’s supposed to be a restaurant but is clearly a corner of the dining area in someone’s house.

In the next scene, Jay just shows up at Rhyme’s house and creepily demands to watch her rehearse. Rhyme is in the middle of telling him to fuck off when he grabs her face and does this:

When he’s done sucking her face, Rhyme is like:

Then Jay leaves.

Meanwhile, Bernice has been downing dozens of energy drinks to keep up with her vigorous dance rehearsals that we never see, and it eventually takes a toll on her. She keeps passing out every few minutes like Jean in the 90s X-Men cartoon. A doctor says that the energy drinks are “weakening her nerves” and that she not only needs to stop drinking them, but she also needs to abstain from strenuous activity for the next two weeks. Bernice doesn’t listen and ends up back in the hospital again a few days later. She misses the competition’s finals and Rhyme wins the $100,000.

Jay breaks into Rhyme’s house a couple of times trying to convince her to date him but each time she says no. Eventually, she caves.

And that’s all it takes for Rhyme to change her mind.

Omo, things become even more chaotic from here. Jay and Rhyme start dating even though Bernice still lives in his house. Bernice snaps and hires boys to beat Rhyme up. For some reason, Jay throws a birthday party for Bernice and Rhyme crashes it to announce that she and Jay are getting married. Jay knows nothing about this and it causes a group fight at the party. Jay keeps entertaining both women and Rhyme is furious so she decides to move into the house to “keep her eye on her man.” The movie turns into a “The Boy Is Mine” situation with Bernice and Rhyme fighting over who gets to sleep in Jay’s bedroom. Every time they fight, Jay does nothing.

Even worse, it’s made clear that he has sex with both of them at different times through all this.

During one of their fights, Jay is hit over the head with a bottle and is knocked unconscious. Rhyme hires boys to beat up Bernice. She takes the games further by tying Bernice to a chair and dropping her in the middle of the street at night. Jay gets tired of all the fighting and kicks both girls out of the house.

Yet another singing competition comes up and the girls decide that whoever wins it gets Jay. Jay has no input in this whatsoever. This new competition has a cash prize of $200,000. Please look at the stage:

While Bernice and Rhyme are battling for Jay’s heart on stage, Jay is outside exchanging saliva with some random woman.

I’m not even kidding.

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Wigs In The Movie, “Swallow,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be reviewing the wigs in Kunle Afolayan’s Netflix movie, “Swallow.”

First of all, let me just say that the name of this movie is super misleading. Maybe it’s just me but for a movie named “Swallow,’ I expected to see a lot of swallowing…

“Swallow” is a movie made by Kunle Afolayan. It’s about a girl named Tolani (Niyola) who practically spends the entire movie GOING THROUGH IT. Jesus Christ. Tolani’s life is straight-up diarrhoea. She exists in 1985 Nigeria, is poor as hell, and works a dead-end job where she is constantly sexually harassed by her boss and gossipped about by her coworkers. After she loses her job and things get even harder, Tolani decides to join her best friend and roommate, Rose (Ijeoma Grace Agu), in smuggling drugs for some guy that looks like the offspring of John Okafor and early 2000s Hanks Anuku.

After trying and failing to SWALLOW the wraps of drugs she’s supposed to smuggle, Tolani is like, “What the fuck is this shit?” and decides to move back to her village to join her mother’s Adire business. Rose is determined to never give up and carries on with the plan but promptly dies on the CGI plane after the drug wraps burst open in her stomach.

I’m not even kidding.

Other stuff happens in the movie’s two hour run time, but what I just gisted you are the most important parts. The movie is…just fine. It’s too long in my opinion. Niyola acts her ass off in it and did amazing but the real star is Ijeoma Grace Agu who plays the tough Rose. In Kunle Afolayan fashion, the setting is perfect. He does an amazing job of bringing 1980s Lagos to life with props and fashion. The only things in this movie that stand out in a terrible way are the wigs. If you know me, you know I’m OBSSESSED with bad wigs.

This wig is UPSETTING me and my home girls. https://t.co/Jr4aUMTruD

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) November 7, 2020

I love Halle but baby what is this wig? 😔 https://t.co/GtzrADAKMo

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) April 26, 2021

Whoever Cuppy trusts to buy her wigs must be ripping her off because WHAT IS THIS HAIR PIECE? https://t.co/SuBgl0jdPy

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) February 11, 2021

It's been 21 years and I still have nightmares about this wig. 😩 https://t.co/WZPgCaEhzQ

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) August 1, 2021

You see the wigs in this movie? The wigs in this movie will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days. It’s like the spirit of Tyler Perry possessed both Kunle Afolayan and the person in charge of hair on set, causing them to look at the actors in the movie and say, “LET’S FUCK THESE PEOPLE UP.” That’s why I’ve brought you all here today. To talk about the crusty ass wigs in this movie because I will never know peace if I don’t.

1) This wig on Rose’s head.

This character was onscreen a lot and even though I was living for the actress’ performance, all I could think of whenever she showed up is how this wig looks like a shower cap disguised as hair. If you need a wig that will protect your real hair underneath and still somewhat look like hair if you ever get caught in the rain or decide to shower with it because you’re having shower sex with a stranger/potential love interest and you don’t want them to see you in your true form, this is the wig for you.

2) This wig on Franca’s head.

Franca’s personality and eyebrows are off-putting enough so having to gaze upon this mess on her head whenever she showed face was a real struggle. This wig is a hat. It’s a hairy hat. It looks like it’s made out of dyed cotton. If Franca ever wanders near a fire in this cap, goodbye to her.

3) These wigs on Tolani’s nameless coworkers.

They have no lines. They’re quite literally just extras but the movie’s hair person still felt the need to put both of them in wigs that look like broccoli. I couldn’t focus on the scene because of them. They’re both serving 48-year-old civil servant energy with those wigs and personally, I think they deserved better.

4) The wig on this random person they run into the club.

Bruno Mars called. He wants his hair back.

5) These wigs.

These aren’t wigs. They’re plants. These ladies are wearing vines on their heads, and I want to know who is responsible for this. Imagine having as little screentime as these two and then the hairstylist on set destroys a potted plant and places the remains on your head.

6) These sideburns, moustache, and soul patch on Sanwo.

Honestly, I can’t tell if they’re real or fake. But looking at Deyemi Okanlawon walking around the movie looking like Super Mario stressed me out.

7) This wig on Johnny’s head.

What is this wig? This wig is a rodent. Anytime he came onscreen, I half-expected the wig to squeak and jump off his head. And that side part? What did that side part achieve? Even worse, when he turns around, you can see that this wig is clearly a squirrel skin cap sitting on top of his real hair. Take a look:

That ponytail?! SKDHFKJDHFKJ!

8) This wig on OC’s head.

This wig is a helmet. If you fall off a motorcycle going at full speed while wearing this wig, your head will be just fine. It’s the road that’ll be in trouble. This is the same wig Mechad Book’s wore in that movie “A Fall From Grace.” This wig makes him look like one of the cartoon globetrotters. This wig moonlights as a sponge for washing pots.

9) This wig on the pastor’s head.

I’m losing my mind at the fact that Kunle Afolayan couldn’t score himself a good wig for this cameo. This wig is proof that God has abandoned us. This wig is what my sleep paralysis demon has on whenever it sashays from the corner of my room to choke me.

10) This wig on Godwin’s head.

I don’t…I don’t even know what this is. What is that hairline? Why are the sides levitating off his head? The wig looks like a piece of an old rug. It looks like someone glued a shit ton of pubic hair together and called it a day. This wig is going to tear a hole in the fabric of space and time, cause a black hole, and suck the whole planet in. This wig is the reason why aliens don’t want to communicate with us. I hate this wig so much.

RECOMMENDED: I Attended A Moaning Competition So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Yes, I attended THAT moaning competition so I could recap it.

It’s been almost 24 hours and I still feel dirty because of the things I heard.

15th of October, 2021.

The time is 10 pm. My coworker and homegirl, Martha, texts me this on WhatsApp:

I was confused as hell.

You see, I had been off Twitter all day so I had no idea a moaning competition was even happening. I go digging for backstory and find this:

The owner of the account even posted a picture of the prize vibrator.

That is…one hell of a fake penis.

I almost turn down Martha’s suggestion to recap it for “So You Don’t Have To” because I don’t think anyone would put themselves out there like that for just a vibrator. Also, I don’t think many people will attend because when a version of this took place on Clubhouse in 2020, the commentary on Twitter made it seem like being a part of such a thing, regardless of what role you play, is cringe.

Then I think to myself, “This is happening on Twitter Spaces. It won’t hurt to just pop in and observe for a bit.” I decide to not use my main account to join because Twitter informs your followers when you join a Space and I don’t want people to brand me as some kind of Igbo perv. I fire up my burner account and join the Space with that.

The number of people I meet in there, makes me go:

There are over 8000 listeners present and counting!

People are pouring in so fast, the host’s Twitter app starts hanging. She suggests moving the event to another app and after some deliberation, settles on Clubhouse. Many people don’t mind. A few people are not here for the virtual venue change.

Before I can get myself together to join on Clubhouse, the host has moved it back to Twitter Spaces. Why? Too many people joined the Clubhouse room and it kept crashing. This one guy is pissed.

Now, it’s no longer being hosted by the girl behind orgasm.ng’s Twitter account. I think all that activity destroyed her app or something. It’s some other guy’s account now. He’s the one moving proceedings along.

I’m just chilling in there with my burner like:

There are now over 10,000 listeners in the Space.

The host is having a hard time managing things because his Twitter keeps glitching. A few minutes pass and nothing happens. Some guy takes the mic and asks the host to hurry up because it’s late and he has other things to do. This kills me because no one is forcing him to be there. Another guy comes on to say that he may or may not already have his dick in his hands so he doesn’t want to hear men join the competition. This annoys me because it’s a classic case of cisgender heterosexual men thinking everything should cater to them.

As all this is happening, there are people on the timeline judging everyone that’s tuned in for the first-ever Moan Olympics. Here’s one of them concluding that a few thousand people coming together to enjoy themselves is the reason why Nigeria is falling apart.

And I’m just like:

Some girl says she wants to kick off the show with her sick moaning skills. When they give her the mic, she starts giggling and says she can’t moan. This girl clearly thinks we’re here to play so she gets kicked out immediately. Another girl officially kicks off the event with 20 seconds of moaning. You can tell that she’s doing her best but unfortunately, her moaning sounds like she’s sighing after a hard day’s work of lifting bricks at a construction site.

She gets props (and some money donated by a generous listener) for breaking the ice. Another girl comes on and moans like she’s having sex in her family house and is trying to be quiet so her entire extended family won’t hear.

This is me in my corner of the Space as she’s moaning:

There are now over 13,000 listeners in the Space.

An anonymous donor drops ₦100,000 as part of the prizes. Now that the prize is way more than a vibrator, guys are scrambling willing to come on. Like 4 guys come on and each one is more disappointing the last. There’s one guy who makes me laugh sha. He throws in Yoruba dirty talk and not even as a joke. It’s giving this:

The first girl says she used her fingers and a vibrator to elevate her moaning performance. The host asks her to explain her process in detail but she says that’ll cost them more money. I stan a smart money woman. People are rating the moans in the comments ,throwing up the 💯 emoji for the ones they enjoy. A girl named Skushies comes and starts moaning like white woman in a porn video. People are living for it.

There are now over 16,000 listeners in the Space.

Someone pities the first guy who moaned and gives him ₦5000. He’s so excited. A girl comes on to moan but starts talking about ENDSARS instead. She gets kicked out. A girl named Bunnie comes on and starts moaning intensely and you can hear vigorous slapping sounds in the background. Her moans are more like whispers and I imagine that this is what Nicole Kidman’s character in “Big Little Lies” would sound like during sex. People are LOVING it. I am too because I am getting my entire life. 10s across the board, baby!

A guy comes on and gives it his best but sounds like he’s either taking a particularly strong shit or getting head from someone using too much teeth. A girl named Lady Revulva comes on. I’m doubling over, cackling at her funny ass name when she launches into her moan-ologue and blows everyone away. She’s doing an amazing job! She’s giving dirty talk AND storyline! Wait. She just choked on something! I hear gagging! SKDHJFJKSHFKJDSHFK!

Me, during Lady Revulva’s performance.

There are now over 18,000 listeners in the Space!

I can’t get over how many people are in here. I feel stupid that I used a burner to do this because there are so many people I recognise from the TL in here, with their verified accounts and all. Prize money keeps flying about for the Moana-s. The host puts up a poll so people can vote for their favourite Moaning Queen. A guy named David donates ₦50,000 and asks Lady Revulva, Skushies, and Bunnie to moan for it. Note that this is separate from the overall challenge for ₦100,000. Here are my notes from this round:

“Revulva goes first and she is serving, hunty! She is giving the audience everything they want! Gagging, spitting, gluck-glucking. Oh, she’s taking it. Skushies goes next. She seems jealous of the attention Revulva is getting. She gets going, starts softly and throws in sound effects. I can hear wet slapping and it’s making me scared. I hear a gushing sound now??? WOW. It sounds like a busted pipe! The host had to stop her but he seems super impressed. Bunnie is up. She starts slow and builds up to a crescendo and screams loudly. What follows is a loud gushing sound and then total silence. Everyone is confused. No one knows what’s happened to Bunnie. After a few minutes, she comes back online and explains that she squirted so hard, the vagina water knocked the phone out of her, muting her mic in the process. Everyone is stunned. People are losing their minds on the TL.”

They set the poll for this round and Skushies wins. The host starts doing ads for people who’ve paid him money to advertise for them. One woman advertises her food service and I die laughing because it’s such a funny place to advertise food but also genius. Someone has the host play their song. The entire event starts giving radio show realness and I become tired. I glance at the clock and see that it’s 12:45 am. Damn. I’ve been at this for 2 hours and 45 minutes now. The host starts talking about another around and I decide right then that:

And with that, I fall asleep.

I wake up the next morning to find that more drama transpired while I slept. Skushies didn’t get some of her prize money and she was pissed.

The tweet she quoted (that has now been deleted) was by the host.

Martha gists me later that when the time came for Skushies to get some of her prize money, the host said it it was $100 and not ₦100,000. Even funnier, here’s how the story of the $100 ends:

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

If you’re wondering who won the overall challenge and left with the ₦100k and vibrator, it’s Bunnie.

I agree. She was my favourite.

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Product Placement In “Smart Money Woman” So You Don’t Have To

moaning competition moaning competition moaning competition moaning competition moaning competition

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be taking a look at the product placement in the Netflix series, “Smart Money Woman.”

All I can see in this picture is Toni Tones’ SNATCHED waist.

My original plan was to do a “So You Don’t Have To” recap of this but after watching three episodes, something else caught my attention. The product placement on the show.

“Product placement, also known as embedded marketing, is a marketing technique where references to specific brands or products are incorporated into another work, such as a film or television program, with specific promotional intent.“

Nollywood isn’t great at product placement. I still have nightmares about the super obvious product placement in “Namaste Wahala,” and that one scene from Rattlesnake (2020) where Norbert Young’s character talks about how Amstel Malta zero is good for his blood sugar.

The amstel Malta Advert in #rattlesnake is all shades of ridiculous

— Ewy baby ✨ (@SandraGee_) July 14, 2021

Yes, Nollywood throws subtlety out the window when it comes to product placement. But you see “Smart Money Woman”? This show hit a whole other level of not giving a shit. The characters practically stop mid-scene to do mini-informercials for different brands. It’s wild, it’s violent, and it’s fucking hilarious. That’s why I’ve decided to talk about some of them today.

This shot of Virgin Atlantic’s logo

This happened in the first few seconds of the show’s first episode. Production didn’t waste time at all.

This shot of Tami (Ini Dima Okojie) in front of Privé restaurant.

She stands here for the duration of her call with Zuri and the wide shot just looks funny. Like the restaurant’s exterior wasn’t enough, they had her hold two takeout bags with the logos on them. Get your money’s worth, Privé.

This weird Toke Makinwa product placement.

What even was this? This isn’t just a regular cameo because the characters acknowledge that she, in the show’s universe, is Toke Makinwa and then have a quick conversation about how no one should question how she makes a living because it’s none of their business. The first and only case of human product placement I’ve ever seen.

The scene where Zuri (Osas Ighodaro) talks to her account manager on the phone.

Like a radio jingle, the account manager pretty much lists out all the features of First Bank’s mobile app in a way that you know is more for the benefit of the audience than it is for the character she’s sharing a scene with. They even throw in a scroll screen of First Bank’s website.

The monologue was enough though.

The scene where Zuri and Tami are on a phone call doing their makeup.

In this scene, Zuri is sitting in front of her mirror, about to do her makeup. There’s a House of Tara makeup bag set up in front of her in a way that the audience can see it properly. She gets a call from Tami and when the camera cuts to Tami, Tami is getting her makeup done by a House of Tara makeup artist, wearing a House of Tara t-shirt.

This is product placement inception.

This one for Chloe’s Gourmet Popcorn.

You know what? This worked on me. I now want to eat this popcorn.

This scene.

Yay, Green Apron.

The scene where Zuri and Tami do skincare.

In this scene, Zuri and Tami are seated on the ground in front of a coffee table and Zuri just starts serving YouTube skincare influencer realness out of nowhere by talking about all the YouSkin products in front of them. The look Tami has on her face through all this mirrored mine.

“Girl, what is this?”

This scene where two characters just pause proceedings to discuss Business Day newspaper.

Shakespeare had nothing on this sponsored monologue.

Another one for First Bank.

This one for Polo Avenue.

Do people just sit around discussing how great a boutique is?

I’m not saying filmmakers shouldn’t do product placement oh. This movie business is expensive and I support getting your cash any way you can. But can you guys be subtle about it? Just a little bit? Please??

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Most Chaotic Nigerian Magazine Covers So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will. be reviewing super chaotic Nigerian magazine covers.

Like all other aspects of Nigerian entertainment, magazine covers have gotten better over the last two decades. Sure, there’s still room for improvement, but we’ve come such a long way from when the best we could get was the covers for Hints magazine that looked like they were made in Microsoft Paint.

99% of the things reported in this magazine were lies but we still ate it up anyway because it was juicy as hell.

Yes, magazine covers have improved. But once in a while, a cover will pop up that’ll make you scratch your head in confusion and wonder if you slept and woke up in the early 2000s, back when the super chaotic cover style of City People was the norm.

Olajumoke for House of Maliq

When Olajumoke blew up, brands and fashion houses couldn’t get enough of her. She was stunning and they used her beauty to create beautiful art. That all changed when House of Maliq got their hands on her. For their April 2017 issue, they dressed Olajumoke in a pair of trousers that looked like they were made of Big Foot’s skin, a blouse reminiscent of Pennywise’s in “It”, and what I’m sure is a Golden Girls Halloween wig.

The cast of KOB 2 for This Day Style

This Day Style got Kemi Adetiba and a few members of the KOB 2 cast for a photo shoot just after the series was released. There are other spreads from this photoshoot where they’re dressed normally and look really good. But you see this one above? This is the one they used as the main cover, which is insane because they all look like they’re dressed for wildly different occasions.

• Sola Sobowale is dressed like discount Marie Antoinette.

• Nse Ikpe-Etim is dressed like Fiona from Shrek in a Pennywise clown wig.

• Deyemi Okanlawon is dressed like nigga Shakespeare.

• Kemi Adetiba is dressed like a pastor’s wife who moonlights as a bullfighter.

• Illbliss is dressed like a 1950s drug lord.

Chioma Chuwkwuka Apotha for House of Maliq

They really did my homegirl dirty by putting her in a green poncho, a headgear made of vegetables, and then told her to pose like one of the toys in “Toy Story” whenever a human comes into Andy’s room. What was the theme here? Did the stylist hate their job, Chioma, or both? I guess we’ll never know.

Mercy and Ike for Media Room Hub

There’s too much going on here. I don’t know why but it bugs me that Mercy is barefoot. Then there’s Ike, who I’m very sure the stylist looked at and thought, “I’m going to fuck this nigga up” because what is going on with his hair? This one was even funnier because they clearly copied Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott’s cover for GQ, executed it poorly and got dragged for it.

Oge Okoye for House of Maliq

I’m guessing they couldn’t figure out a dress for her so they just stuck her in a giant duvet and called it a day? Yes. That’s definitely what happened. She did the best she could with what she was given sha and served “sultry bedroom goddess realness” so she does deserve props for that.

Kaffy for House of Maliq

These people need to be stopped at this point because what is this, and why is she holding a chicken? What was the concept for this? WHY??

Iheoma Nnadi for House of Maliq

This looks like a very Nigerian pre-wedding photoshoot gone wrong. Iheoma deserved better than this.

Tana Adelana for House of Maliq

I wonder if the person who came up with the concept for this genuinely believed they could start an apple necklace trend. I wonder if Tana felt silly doing this. I wonder who took a bite of that apple. Did they make Tana take a bite? Even worse, did they make someone else take a bit when it was already around her neck? What is that wig? I wonder…

Tania Omotoya for House of Maliq

The people at House of Maliq have to be trolling us at this point because IS THAT A FUCKING COCKROACH?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

Whatever the fuck is going on here for House of Maliq

You know what? I’m done.

RECOMMENDED: I Read One Of Those Old Text Message Books So You Don’t Have To

Nigerian magazine covers

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Nigerian music videos are…somehow. They’ve always been somehow. And over the years, they’ve just evolved into a different kind of somehow-ness. For that reason, I’ve always wanted to include them in the “So You Don’t Have To” series, and this year, I actually did.

Here are 5 of the funniest “So You Don’t Have To” articles about Nigerian music videos I’ve written this year.

I Watched The Music Video For Styl Plus’ “Call My Name” So You Don’t Have To

For those who don’t know, Styl Plus is an R&B/Pop group that burst onto the scene in the early 2000s with their hit single, “Olufunmi.”. They were so hot at the time that all they had to do was stand on a stage and sing and people everywhere would violently cream their jeans. In 2003, they released a song titled “Call My Name” or as I like to call it, “A Tale Of How A Bunch Of Guys Creep Out A Girl In A Restaurant Just Because She’s Sitting By Herself.” The song is an eternal bop but when you pointlessly dissect it like I’m about to, the storyline is kinda weird.

Read the rest here.

I Watched The Music Video For Daddy Showkey’s “Dyna” So You Don’t Have To

Daddy Showkey (Real name: John Asiemo) is a Nigerian singer. Super famous in the 1990s, he’s a veteran performer whose style of music helped popularise the dance, Galala — or as I like to call it: That one dance that makes you look like a Victorian-era child battling cholera and polio at the same time. In 1996, he released the smash hit titled “Dyna.” The story is straightforward and cliché. It’s about a woman stripper-ly named Dyna and chronicles all the shit she puts up with trying to get pregnant. The unintentional comedy here comes from the way the events play out in the music video.

Read the rest here.

I Watched The Music Video For P-Square’s “Senorita” So You Don’t Have To

For those who don’t know, Senorita was P-Square’s first single off their debut album titled, “Last Night.” It was a smash hit and immediately catapulted them to stardom. The song is about one (or both) of the brothers mourning the death of a woman he (they?) loved.

To quote the iconic Saturday Night Live character, Stefon, the 5 minute and 28-second music video for “Senorita” has everything:

• A love triangle.
• Insane early 2000s fashion.
• A dance break in the middle of the street.
• A weird celebrity cameo you won’t see coming.
• A grass to grace story with details shrouded in mystery.
• A beautiful, gold-digging young woman named Vivian.
• A poorly-filmed accident scene that’ll have you screaming, “How the fuck did that happen?!”

Read the rest here.

I Watched The Music Video For Seyi Sodimu’s “Love Me Jeje” So You Don’t Have To

This song was everywhere. As a human living in Nigeria in the late 90s, you couldn’t avoid the song or its music video. I heard about it for the first time in Sunday school where the teacher told the class — full of children less than 10 years old — that if we listened to this song or any others like it, we were condemning ourselves to an eternity of hot girl summer in hell, right next to other people who sang secular songs, like Fela and Michael Jackson (which is insane because it would be another 12 years before Michael Jackson died). But we’re not here today to talk about my Christianity-inspired childhood trauma. We’re here to talk about the music video for “Love Me Jeje.” I wrote about the music video’s plot a while back but I will be expanding on that today.

Read the rest here.

I Watched The Music Video For Peter Okoye’s Song “Look Into My Eyes” So You Don’t Have To

Peter Okoye — who now hilariously goes by Mr P — is one half of the defunct music duo P-Square. He and his identical twin brother, Paul, burst onto the scene in 2003 and ran things (things didn’t run them) until 2017 when they had a fight and went their separate ways. In 2018, Peter released the video for a song titled “Look Into My Eyes,” proving his determination to carry on the family tradition of violently ripping off Michael Jackson.

Read the rest here.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the music video for Resonance’s “Judgement Day.”

Get a load of this album cover. Things were so simple back in the early 2000s.

Resonance was a Nigerian gospel music duo that consisted of a woman named Estar and a man named Gucheano. They sang in a mix of Igbo and English, bursting onto the music scene in 2006 and blowing minds around the country with their debut album, “Chinwe Ike.” The album was super popular and people would not shut up about it. People would go about loudly playing/singing the album’s singles “Lee Lee” and “Chinwe Ike,” which, regardless of how I’m describing it, is a good thing.

The duo eventually split to work on solo projects, but like many musical duos (e.g. P-Square), the things they worked on individually never achieved the popularity or critical claim of their first and only joint body of work. Resonance’s music was amazing but their music videos on the other hand were unintentionally hilarious, due to their low budgets and them being products of their time. So I’ve brought you all here today to make fun of them. Well, not all of them. Just one. The end-time anthem, “Judgement Day.”

The video starts with the hauntingly beautiful voice of a woman doing operatic runs while a rather harsh end-time message is shown onscreen:

Estar appears onscreen for the first time. She’s dressed in a nun’s habit and, in a weird cartoony cowboy accent, repeats the exact same message that was just displayed a few seconds ago.

When she finishes, the main song starts. Estar and her reverend sister backup dancers serve Sister’s Act 1 realness. with their choreography. It’s basic but adorable and I love it.

Gucheano (LMAO I can not take this name seriously) shows up dressed as a priest to rap the first verse. I feel horrible for admitting this but all these costumes made my mind go straight to porn parodies. Anyway, he starts rapping about how humans need to stop sinning because Jesus is coming soon and is going to be pissed as hell if he finds everyone stealing, killing, and fornicating. The lyrics are fine but his flow is giving early 2000s Eedris Abdulkareem (i.e. sounding hella cringe because he’s trying and failing to sound American).

While he’s rapping, Estar and her reverend sister backup dancers don’t have anything to do so they just sway in the background.

The second verse is where things take a turn a turn for the truly chaotic by going into church drama mode. Gucheano is chilling in his living room when he gets a phone call…

…from SATAN.

Satan is fabulously dressed in a black and red cloak, a 90s T-Boz wig, and enough eyeliner to put Boy George to shame. Even funnier than Satan’s outfit is what is happening behind him. The sight of him casually making a phone call while the souls of the damned writhe in pain behind him due to hellfire is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen.

Satan offers Gucheano a shit ton of money in exchange for his soul but Gucheano says:

This pisses Satan off so much that he appears in Gucheano’s living room and is like:

Satan conjures dollars out of thin to further tempt Gucheano, and when that doesn’t work, throws fame into the mix.

Gucheano reads Satan for filth and tells him to get out because his soul belongs to Master Jesus. Realising that this deal will never click, Satan rolls his eyes and is like:

Then he leaves.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Sharon Stone,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 2002 Nollywood movie, “Sharon Stone.”

That tagline is killing me.

Back in the early 2000s, I imagine that a Nollywood producer saw the Hollywood movie “Basic Instinct” starring Sharon Stone and said, “You know what would make a lot of money? A Nigerian movie based on the notoriety Sharon Stone gained for her role in ‘Basic Instinct.’ The main character’s name will be Sharon, and even though her last name won’t be Stone, I’ll name the movie ‘Sharon Stone.’ What does the real Sharon Stone want to do? Sue me? Someone get Genevieve on the phone, tell her…”

So here we are 19 years later.

The movie starts with Sharon (Genevieve Nnaji) and her boyfriend, Henry, having a fight. Sharon is leaving his house angrily because he has confronted her with cheating allegations.

Henry decides that he doesn’t want to put up with Sharon’s shit anymore so he drives her home and breaks up with her, asking her to return all the things he’s bought her. In retaliation, Sharon tosses all his things on the road and very loudly calls him poor.

Sharon’s best friend and housemate, Kate (Steph-Nora Okere), hears the noise and comes out to find out what the fuck is going on. Sharon complains that she broke up with Henry because he accused her of cheating. When Kate points out that Sharon has indeed been cheating, Sharon admits but says Henry definitely has no proof because she covers her cheating tracks well. Kate is just like:

Even though Sharon has a steady boyfriend in school named Dallas (Emeka Eyiocha), she’s also bumping genitals with a rich older man named Chief Uche (Peter Bruno). One day while she’s hanging out with Dallas in front of her house…

…when Chief Uche shows up, forcing Sharon to think on her feet.

And when Chief Uche asks who the guy she was hanging out with is, she says:

Chief Uche is like:

But he ultimately buys her story. While Sharon is busy juggling men, her friend, Kate, is being cheated on. Kate goes to visit her boyfriend, Kalu and finds him in bed with another woman.

Kate returns home crying, and when Sharon finds out what has happened, she does this”

Then she explains why she operates the way she does:

Sharon gets word that the brother of an old secondary schoolmate named Tony (Kunle Coker) is now a Colonel in the army and is doing pretty well for himself so she decides to add a third man to her roster and sets her sights on him. She goes to visit the old secondary school friend and uses that as an excuse to get close to Tony.

Her plan works and not long after, they’re at a restaurant doing this:

Sharon’s exploits reach a fever pitch when she’s forced to have sex with all three of her boyfriends in one day just to keep them from finding out about each other. To avoid the boyfriends clashing, she later starts a fight with Dallas so he won’t come for her birthday party and convinces Chief Uche to travel out of the country so only Tony will attend.

Dallas eventually finds out that Sharon has been playing him and goes to her house to yell at her. Sharon attempts to shout her way out of the situation, and when that doesn’t work because Dallas is super pissed, she locks herself inside the house and calls Chief Uche to come with the police, claiming that the president of her department (a call back to her earlier lie) is trying to rape her.

This is where things become truly chaotic.

Chief Uche puts Dallas in prison for days and refuses to let him go. Sharon worries that if Dallas dies there, his blood will be on her hands. So she goes to Tony (who is a colonel in the army) and claims that Dallas is her cousin who is being detained illegally by a man (Chief Uche) trying to steal Dallas’ wife. Tony sends some soldiers to bring Chief Uche to the barracks to be beaten. During the interrogation, both Tony and Chief Uche find out that they’ve been bamboozled.

They bring Dallas in together and they all put the pieces together. They hatch a plan to screw Sharon over. Tony meets with Sharon and says he forgives her, asking for her hand in marriage so they can fly to the United States and live happily ever after. Sharon sees this as an opportunity to avoid all the other men she’s deceived so she says yes.

Fast forward to the wedding and Tony never shows up at the church. Sharon goes to his house to find out what has happened and she meets Tony, Dallas, and Chief Uche drinking beer and playing Checkers. They all turn to look at her, decked in her incredibly early 2000s wedding dress and do this:

Sharon can’t stand the humiliation and passes out. The men don’t even bother to check if she’s ok. They just go back to playing their game.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched Episode 1 Of “Assistant Madams” Season 2 So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be recapping the first episode of the second season of “Assistant Madams.”

This obviously haphazardly put together poster is making me lose my mind.

“Assistant Madams” premiered on RedTv’s YouTube channel on the 15th of January 2020. The first season follows the lives of three hustling ladies, played Sophie Alakija, Osas Ighodaro, and Tana Egbo-Adelana, who are hell-bent on living their best lives at any cost, one married man at a time. Even though the plot wasn’t groundbreaking, it sounded fun, everyone flocked to watch it.

And it sucked.

Just finished the first episode of Assistant Madams, and it’s magnificent.
I’ve never seen a show get EVERYTHING wrong quite like this.
A masterclass in making garbage.

— Daniel Orubo (@NerdEfiko) January 18, 2020

The entire first season was critically panned so I assumed that would be the end. Well, file this one under life proving to me that I know nothing because the second season just premiered. I decided to see if the show had gotten better by watching the first episode and I’m disappointed to announce that it hasn’t.

It’s somehow gotten worse.

The show starts with Osas Ighodaro (who played the role of Chioma in the first season) giving us the worst voice-over narration I have ever heard. She introduces us to this season’s Assistant Madams, starting with a girl named Lulu (Dillish Matthews). In her first scene, Lulu is shown talking to her mother on the phone. Even though she states in the conversation that it’s super early in the morning and she’s only just woken up, she’s wearing a Diana Ross wig and her face is BEAT FOR THE GODS.

Things take a turn for the disgustingly horrifying when the call ends and it’s revealed that the entire time she’s been on the phone, her boyfriend named Priye (Mawuli Gavor) has been violently eating her hairy snail.

Next, we’re introduced to Cassie (Cee C), who is saddled with a fuck buddy named Tochi (Eso Dike). In her first scene, she’s just finished a genital meet & greet with Tochi and is trying to take a nap (with a full face of makeup and wig) when she opens her eyes to find him taking pictures of her. Cassie is understandably creeped out by this and is like:

It’s revealed, through exposition-laden dialogue, that they used to date but Cassie broke up with him six months and three weeks prior to the start of the series for being a clingy creep. Yes, six months and three weeks. I wasn’t joking when I said their interaction was exposition-heavy. He’s so much of a creep that when she storms off angrily, he sniffs her underwear and then takes a picture with it.

The next Assistant Madam is Amira (Salma Mumin). She’s a digital media consultant who has decided to supplement her income by dating a rich man named Chief Adeniyi (Femi Branch). Here’s what’s happening the first time we see them:

We’re later introduced to Demide (Demola Adedoyin), Chief Adeniyi’s son and Amira’s former best friend. Demide despises Amira for dating his father and never tries to hide it.

We’re shown the series’ opening sequence and it’s just a minute-long clip of the cast twirling and smiling in a poorly lit studio while their names pop up on the screen in an illegible font that looks like it was written by a stressed-out chicken. I dare you to decipher what this says without googling.

It doesn’t count if you already knew the actress’ name.

We get back to the show and it’s the morning of Lulu’s birthday. Priye gives her a diamond necklace as a birthday present, which she loves but angrily tosses in his face, saying that what she really wants for her birthday is for him to make their relationship official. Priye sweet-talks his way out of having the conversation by sucking on her lips.

Unsurprisingly, all the Assistant Madams are friends and gather for Lulu’s birthday party i.e the most unconvincingly staged party ever put on film. It’s strange because unlike a lot of Nollywood productions, the extras at this party did an amazing job. It was just weirdly filmed. Anyway, we find out at this party that Lulu’s boyfriend, Priye, is the husband of her best friend, Nana (Joselyn Dumas). Priye comes to pick Nana up from the party and he and Lulu pretend not to know each other.

Cassie is having a drink by herself at Mykonos On The Roof (come through, paid partnership!) when Tochi shows up acting normal but quickly devolves into his trademark creepiness. A guy named Osaze (Timini Egbuson) comes to her rescue and they have a flirtatious conversation that’s really only in the script to pad out the episode’s run time.

Lulu goes over to Nana’s house for a special birthday dinner where this happens:

We cut to Amira and Demide. Chief Adeniyi has given Amira a digital advertising gig for his company and she has to work with Demide on it because he’s the company’s General Manager. After a short conversation where Demide acknowledges that he misses the friendship they had before Amira started bumping genitals with his father, they start having sex and the episode ends.

There you have it, folks. If you were intrigued by this episode and you want to see more, go watch the rest yourself because I am done.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The 2020 Nollywood Movie, “Nneka The Pretty Serpent,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the Nollywood movie, “Full Moon.”

Long before Fox gave us the first X-Men movie, Chico Ejiro gave us “Full Moon,” a movie about a discount mutant named Lucy ( Regina Askia), who gets her powers from the full moon…because she was born under a full moon.

The movie’s opening scene is set at night and I can’t see anything because the lighting is poor as shit. I have to strain my eyes and go by sounds, and from what I can gather, a man named James and his heavily pregnant wife, Edna, are chilling in their mud house in the village when three men attack them. Edna sees James get overpowered and is like:

She jumps out of the window and tries to run but goes into stress-induced labour. Out of nowhere, a full moon that looks suspiciously like a torchlight held behind a white table cloth shows up and shines inappropriately bright rays on her as she’s screaming in pain.

Edna’s neighbour and sister-in-law, Julie (Dolly Unachukwu), hears her screaming and goes to see wetin dey sup. Julie finds Edna, kneels right next to her, and asks a very stupid question:

Girl, can’t you see she’s having a baby by herself in the middle of the bush??

Edna gives birth to a baby girl and dies, but not before she asks Julie to raise the child as her own. As soon as this happens, I’m like, “What kind of gbese is this??!” Julie is a better person that me sha because she agrees and takes the baby home to her husband, P.J (Sola Fosudo). They decide to keep her and name her Lucy. James’ brothers, Uncle (Pete Edochie), Tony (Peter Bruno), and Daniel (Kanayo O Kanayo), show up at P.J and Julie’s house to say they’ve heard the news of James and Edna’s deaths. When Julie says they should investigate (because they’re in positions of power in the village), Uncle says no. This is his reason:

And I’m like, “Negative attention from who?!”

It’s revealed after this that all the brothers jointly own an oil-rich plot of land in the village, which all of them, except James, want to sell. After James’ burial, the others sell the land to a white man and cash out. It’s also revealed that they orchestrated James’ murder so they could sell the land.

10 years later, Lucy is asleep in her room when the full moon shows face and is like:

How the moon was shining so bright in a room with no windows will forever be a mystery.

Lucy goes outside and this happens:

I take this to mean that her mutant powers have been activated, and I’m proven right in the next scene. Julie is bringing Lucy a plate of soup when she trips and falls. This causes Lucy to go into discount Jean Grey mode by suspending the plate of soup in the air, leaving Julie to fall flat on her ass.

Julie is fucking terrified so she does what old Nollywood mothers do when their child exhibits any strange behaviour. She takes Lucy for deliverance.

After the prayer, the pastor asks Lucy if she saw or felt anything during the prayer. Lucy says nothing but stares at him in a way that feels like she wants to say:

The pastor realises that there’s nothing he can do so he sends them home, convincing Julie that Lucy has been healed.

15 years later, P.J and Julie are now super rich and live in a big house that looks like it was decorated by a 53-year old Igbo man. On Lucy’s 25th birthday, they buy her a car, and she’s so excited, she ditches her birthday party to go on a joy ride with her friend. When they get back to Lucy’s house, they’re attacked at the gate by knife-wielding men who attempt to rape them in the middle of the street. At that moment, the full moon shows up and is like:

Then this happens:

The entire time the guy was being roasted, I was screaming, “Fuck him up, sis! UP FEMCO!!!”

We find out that Julie and P.J are having marital problems caused by P.J’s refusal to stop sexing up his secretary. When Julie confronts him, he says he’s eating hairy snails outside their home because she never had a child for him. When Julie says they have Lucy, P.J says:

What neither one of them knows is that Lucy is eavesdropping on their conversation.

After finding out she’s adopted, she demands to know who her real parents are and what happened to them. When she gets all the tea from Julie, she gets angry and kills Tony (one of the men who orchestrated her parents’ death) by zapping him out of existence!

Wanda Maximoff is SHAKING!

Lucy goes to Julie and says…

…and Julie convinces her that everything will be ok. But that’s not true. Because after that, someone starts trying to kill Lucy. The person locks her in the bathroom and pumps it full of smoke in an attempt to serve Nazi gas chamber realness. The next attempt happens when Lucy is driving down a lonely road at night and a bus blocks her car. Instead of her to reverse and drive in the other direction, she gets down from her car and starts running down the street.

Before Bryce Dallas Howard ran from a T-Rex in pump heels in “Jurassic World,” Regina Askia ran from a danfo in chunky heels in “Full Moon.”

Lucy goes to kill Greg, another one of her parents’ murderers, by turning him into chalk (?) I don’t know. Look at this:

After Greg’s death, the rest of the brothers realise that someone is picking them off one by one. So they go to a Babalawo dressed in the Nigerian flag and he reveals why they’re being killed and who’s doing it.

Lucy, who has no idea that her uncles now know she’s the killer, is chilling in her living room when gun men break into the house and kidnap her. She later finds out that P.J is behind the kidnapping, and when she calls him daddy, he’s like:

He reveals that he’s the one who’s been trying to kill her. He then orders the kidnappers to kill her and dump her body in a lagoon. However, the moon comes through for Lucy and she sets all of them on fire. P.J goes to a mysterious island to find out how he can successfully kill Lucy. On his way to see the “wise one,” he encounters the weirdest shit. Like a giant snake that was obviously cut out of a Nat Geo wild documentary:

And a cannibal forest tribe, who sacrifice a girl to their god: A giant brown chicken.

The wise one tells him that because he and his brothers brought this on themselves, they need

Typical of a Nigerian parent. They’d rather die/commit murder than apologise to their kid.

He decides not to shoot because he doesn’t want her blood to mess up his expensive floors. Julie tries to intervene but he threatens to shoot her too. Julie knocks P.J over the head with a chair (WWE style) and she and Lucy run outside. P.J follows them and is about to shoot when the moon (who’s a fucking character and deus ex machina at this point) shows face again. Lucy harnesses the moon’s power and turns P.J into a pillar of salt.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The 2020 Nollywood Movie, “Nneka The Pretty Serpent,” So You Don’t Have To