Today, I will be recapping the music video for Eedris Abdulkareem’s 2003 hit song, Live in Yankee.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The video starts with a visibly-distraught girl sitting on the bed of what is obviously a hotel room but is supposed to be her bedroom. I say this is because there’s a landline on the bedside table (only hotels do that shit), and the bedsheets and curtains are serving low budget guest house realness. Homegirl — whose name we never find out — is making a call, and as soon as it goes through, sings this:

Eedris, you promise sey you go marry me

See me you hurt me so badly

Remember na garri wey we dey wack eh

You don go yankee, you com forget me totally

Because I’m a messy bitch who lives for chaos, this is what I imagine she sings:

Eedris conveniently ignores the bit about him abandoning her and says that he actually set out to travel to Guinea but somehow ended up in America. If you’re hoping for an explanation of how the fuck that happened, don’t hold your breath because he doesn’t give one. He goes on to explain that while roaming the streets of New York looking for a record deal…

…he randomly came across P. Diddy…

…who immediately gave him a record deal…

…and billboard placements at Times Square (?)

You see, neither Diddy nor Eedris can rap so it makes perfect sense that one would sign the other.

Hearing about all the success Eedris has found without her, homegirl becomes even more distraught than she was when the conversation started and sings the chorus again, this time clutching a sad little stuffed sheep.

Eedris once again dismisses the obvious distress homegirl is in by saying:

And that makes me go:

Eedris talks about how P.Diddy gave him money to go shopping…

…and an obviously rented Lexus jeep.

This makes me wonder if P.Diddy took Eedris on as his artist or sugar baby.

A thing that happens all through the song that I LOVE is that whenever Eedris talks about a wild/amazing thing he’s done in America, homegirl interjects with adlibs that properly express the distress she feels from being abandoned. For example, Eedris sings about attending a party where Diddy gives him TWENTY Puerto Rican mummies to bump genitals with…

…and homegirl immediately screams:

Following it up with a gentle:

Probably because she can see the chances of Eedris returning for her slowly disappear with every story he tells.

The song goes on for a while and it’s just Eedris bragging about all women he’s slept with in the two years since he left. Just when you think all hope is lost for Homegirl, Eedris returns from America with a half bottle of champagne and two wine glasses to ask for her hand in marriage.

If you think Homegirl is going to slap him across the face and turn him down for abandoning her, you’re wrong. She puts on the ugliest wedding gown in existence…

…and runs up a comically long flight of stairs…

…to jump into his arms. And then they get married (?) I’m not sure tbh. Because as soon as they hug, the screen goes all wobbly like it does in movies when someone is daydreaming. The video ends with a shot of Homegirl angrily ripping a poster of Eedris off the wall of her room, and this insane shot of Eedris chilling with Ronald McDonald for some reason.

2003 was a very special time.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Mark of the Beast,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I’ll be recapping the late 1990s Nollywood horror movie, Mark of the Beast.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

You can tell, based on her facial expression, that Genevieve was serving premium sass in whatever scene that screenshot was taken from.

I watched this movie for the first time when I was 8-years-old and spent the next few years blocking it out because it was too terrifying. The only memory I had of it until recently was the scene of a pastor being yelled at by a rotund and particularly rude serving of pounded yam; a memory I most likely held on to because it’s funny as shit. Anyway, I was at my birthday dinner on the 18th of January 2022 when I encountered this tweet:

And just like that, all the horrifying parts of the movie I’d worked so hard to forget came rushing back, causing me to scream and fall to my knees in the toilet of the restaurant where my birthday dinner was taking place. After the mini-breakdown, I figured that this film would make a good “So You Don’t Have To” entry, so here we are.

The movie starts with a woman in the hospital giving birth. After struggling for a bit, the baby is born. The doctor (Segun Arinze) says, “Congratulations. You’ve delivered a bouncing baby boy,” and hands the still bloody baby to the mother. When the mother opens her eyes, she sees the doctor as this…

The love child of King Kong and Calibos (from the original Clash of the Titans)

…and sees her baby as this:

The love child of Miss Piggy and Baphomet.

Homegirl is understandably horrified by all this and proceeds to die of shock.

As this is happening, a man named Chief Modupe (Enebeli Elebuwa), flanked on both sides of his head by a pair of incredibly unsettling sideburns, is sitting in his living room and watching TV. A breaking news broadcast comes on, anchored by a woman wearing what appears to be a Golden Girls Halloween wig.

The lights in Chief Modupe’s house flicker, causing his heavily pregnant wife, Mrs Modupe (Ngozi Ezeonu), to slip and fall in the bathroom. After getting her to the hospital, Chief Modupe learns from the doctor — the same one that delivered the baby in the opening scene — that Mrs Modupe’s fall SOMEHOW ruptured her uterus, killed the baby in her belly, and destroyed her womb. The prognosis is that she’ll never again be able to conceive.

Chief Modupe is distraught and about to ugly cry when the Doctor suggests that Chief Modupe adopt the baby born in the opening scene and pass it off to his wife as the one that was in her belly.

Chief Modupe takes the child and names him, Chris.

Ten years later, Chris has grown to be a creepy precocious child. Mrs Modupe walks into his bedroom one night and finds some scary drawings he’s made.

She’s about to dismiss it as something he probably picked up from a movie or video game until she looks at his face and sees this:

We later see Chris having a Zoom meeting with Lucifer in his room. It’s revealed that the reason Chris looked like a demon piglet at the time of his birth is that he’s the literal spawn of Satan. Satan tattoos Chris’ forehead with the mark of the beast (666) and sends him into the world to win souls for hell.

Because of what she saw in Chris’ room, Mrs Modupe becomes terrified of Chris. Chris picks up on this and proceeds to fuck with her mind by infiltrating her dreams and turning them into nightmares. Like this one:

Any time Mrs Modupe tries to tell her husband what’s happening, Chris wipes her memory with magic. After months of torture, Chris kills her by making her stab herself in the chest with a long-ass kitchen knife.

Twenty years pass. Chris has taken over his father’s vague business is now being played by a man that looks like a Christ Embassy youth pastor.

Actor: Charles Sadiq-Waran

And it’s revealed that the doctor who helped deliver Chris as a baby and convinced the Modupes the adopt him knows about Chris’ origin and is a soldier of Satan.

OVER ONE HOUR INTO THE MOVIE, a pair of siblings named Mike (Joe Nwodo) and Nene (Genevieve Nnaji) sashay into the story. The first time we see them, they’re at a hospital visiting their chronically ill mother, who’s going in for surgery and is not sure she’s going to survive.

And she’s right. She dies during surgery and the children are emotionally wrecked. Mike decides that God has called him to fight the anti-christ so he quits his job and starts a church. He and Nene are driving down a road one day when they witness a group of armed robbers attempt to rob Chris. Chris steps out of his car and does this:

Which makes the armed robbers go:

When the robbers flee, Mike and Nene go to check if Chris is ok. Even though he’s acting like you’d expect the anti-christ in an old Nollywood movie to act (weird and rude), they insist on being friends with him and invite him to their church. He agrees to attend and makes the decision to start messing with them like he did his mother.

Mike is in bed one night, wearing the pyjamas Nene bought him and reading the bible when the spirit of konji rears its head. He starts rubbing his penis and gets the disgusting idea to go have sex with his Nene, HIS SISTER. So he sneaks into her room and proceeds to grab her boob…

…but comes to his senses before actually doing anything. Meanwhile, Chris finds out that Nene is a virgin and spiritually sexes her up in a dream. She starts hanging out with Chris more and acting out until Mike notices something is not right with her and initiates a surprise deliverance session.

We find out that the night Chris was born, so were six others around the world; one for each continent. Their job is to get as many souls as possible for hell from their respective continents. Satan gathers all seven of them for an all-hands meeting to track their progress. Here’s a picture of all of them.

It tickles me greatly to see that they’re all light-skinned.

Chris reveals that he’s been using his business to recruit more souls by infusing the following things with soul-binding dark magic:

• Makeup
• Video games
• Music
• Movies
• Fast food
• Second hand clothes (remeber this one)
• Toys
• Candy
• THE FREAKING INTERNET (keep in mind this movie was made in the late 1990s and the internet wasn’t mainstream in Nigeria yet so there were still conspiracy theories surroudning it)

Mike is getting ready for bed another night when he puts on the pyjamas Nene bought him and gets the urge to bump genitals with her again. Somehow coming to the conclusion that the pyjamas are the problem (sure, he’s right but that was an insane mental leap he took), he takes it off and burns it. He then goes to his sister and is like:

Chris amps up his attempts to fuck up Mike and Nene’s lives. And that’s what leads us to the iconic talking pounded yam scene. Nene makes pounded yam for dinner one night and as Mike blesses the food, the pounded yam goes:

Mike and Nene join forces to vanquish the demonic pounded yam. This experience makes them organise a night vigil at their church, which Chris attends for some reason. When a priest (don’t ask why a catholic priest is at a pentecostal night vigil) starts throwing holy water over all the people present, a drop of it touches Chris and this comes out of Chris’ body:

And everyone lives happily ever after.

SIKE!

RECOMMENDED: I Recapped Mummy GO’s Most Insane Videos So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be making a list of the most insane Mummy GO videos.

Funmilayo Adebayo, famously known as Mummy GO, is an evangelist who has gone viral for the video clips in which she claims that anybody who likes any aspect of existence that makes life bearable is going to hell. When her videos began to surface in late 2021/early 2022, she seemed super familiar to me, but I couldn’t remember where I’d seen her before. It wasn’t until Kunle tagged me to a tweet containing pictures of some of her books that it hit me.

Mummy GO is the woman who wrote the very first thing I ever recapped for the “So You Don’t Have To” series; a book titled The Game of The Anti-Christ (Exposing the Secret Behind Football).

I'm screaming because this is the book that started #ZikokoSYDHT!" I need to go thank Mummy G.O 😂 https://t.co/60DB9dIeJD

— carabiner scissorly (@grandpabbychuck) January 10, 2022

Like the name of the book implies, Mummy GO rants for a few dozen pages about football being an evil sport created in the underworld by hell’s management as part of their never-ending attempts to destroy humanity. She further claims that the reason she knows all this is because she served as an intern in hell, working closely with the prince of darkness himself for 990 years.

Here’s an excerpt from that article:

“The author’s bio describes Fumilayo Adebayo as a seasoned evangelist and gifted writer with an uncommon passion for soul-winning. This is exactly how Pennywise (the demon clown from the movie IT) would be described if he ever took a break from eating children to write a book. Using bible verses and thinly-veiled threats, she tells us that we have to believe everything she says unless we’ll die a terrible death and go to hell. I carried on reading because I like trash.“

If you want to read that iconic article, click here.

Mummy GO has a shit load of videos floating around, and all of them are fucking hilarious. But because I’m a messy bitch who lives drama, I’ve gone through all of the ones I could find and compiled the most insane ones. Don’t thank me. Just pay for my therapy.

Let’s start with a wild one. The one where she talks about how God restored her virginity.

As you can see, this woman is basically standing in front of her congregation and bragging about being so tight that it takes her husband half an hour to penetrate her during sex. The wildest thing here isn’t even the smug tone she uses to talk about her TAP (tight ass pussy), it’s the fact that no one in the audience is trying to suppress laughter. They just sit there and take it.

Here’s a video where she talks about the Walt Disney Company and what she thinks its logo represents.

In this, Mummy GO pulls a trick straight out of the 2009 edition of the Conspiracy Theorists YouTuber’s Handbook and claims that Disney is dedicated to imprinting the mark of the beast (666) in the minds of children. Aided by a PowerPoint presentation, she says that the number 666 is hidden in the trademark Disney font. Walt Disney’s frozen head must be rolling in its cryogenic chamber.

Here’s the one where she bashes the art of comedy and insists that anyone who engages in it has a one-way ticket to hell.

I don’t know if Mummy GO went for a stand-up comedy show and was bored or she watched a couple of skits from Nigerian Instagram comedians and didn’t enjoy them, but she really REALLY hates comedians and hopes we all burn. Damn. We just want to make people laugh, lady.

She also hates haircuts for some reason.

She just points at some guy with a shaved head in the congregation and says, “Do you people know that this hairstyle is a sin?!” She carries on by saying that any haircut that shows even the tiniest bit of a man’s scalp is a sin. Now, I’m sitting here thinking, “What about bald people? What the fuck are they supposed to do??“

If you’re looking for a reason to not celebrate valentine’s day this year, Mummy GO has given you one.

You’re welcome.

If you’re a man with swagger of any kind, Mummy GO says you’re a devil worshipper.

This tickles me immensely because it shows how removed she is from modern-day pop culture. When was the last time you saw a man pack his crotch and wave his wrists while screaming, “Ayo man”? Seems like she’s still stuck in the 1990s/early 2000s, and it’s killing me.

Let’s not forget when she told tales of her bad bitch era.

By that description, you just know she was out in these streets built like an Instagram baddie, snatching up people’s boyfriends and husbands. Yas Gawd! I do love that whatever took her beauty left her with the gap in her front teeth, though. A way for her to relive her past glory. That was very nice of…it.

You heard it here first: There’s nothing Satan likes more than a hot fok.

I wonder what Rihanna and Lady GHANA have to say about these accusations. Does this also mean that Tom Holland is married to Satan? He did dance spectacularly to Rihanna’s “Umbrella” on Lipsync Battle. Who else is Satan married to? How do they share him? Someone has to ask the important questions, and that person is me.

You know who else Mummy GO hates? Michael Jackson. Here’s what she has to say about his style of dancing.

Old gal believes that Michael Jackson invented break dancing and that he learned the dance style from SKELETONS. Probably from these guys:

She also added that because it’s a skeleton dance, break dancing is for the dead, which means that if you do it, you’re indirectly telling God that you’re dead and shouldn’t complain when the Grim Reaper comes to collect.

Lastly, here’s the BBC interview where she denies saying all of the things above, claiming that the videos were doctored.

At this point, I’m not even sure what her deal is anymore.

If you want a deeper look into Mummy GO’s psyche, read my recap of one of her books.

The Game of The Anti-Christ (Exposing the Secret Behind Football)

Today, I will be recapping the 2022 Nollywood comedy, Chief Daddy 2.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Chief Daddy 2 came out on Netflix on the 1st of January, 2022 and was immediately followed by overwhelmingly negative reviews from both critics and viewers. I’ve spent hours since the day it premiered scouring the interwebs for a positive review and found none. It’s just been waves of anger and disgust. The bad reviews have even started a conversation on social media about the poor quality of recent Nollywood movies.

Here’s a hilariously named Twitter Spaces that took place on the 6th of January 2022.

Even funnier than the title, one of Chief Daddy 2’s producers was present and lurking in the shadows until she couldn’t bear the bashing anymore and took the mic to rant. LMAO!

The conversations about the movie piqued my interest so I decided to watch it. Now that I’ve seen it, I can say with my entire bosom that the critics aren’t wrong.

WARNING: Make sure you’ve seen the first movie and remember all the plot points and characters from it because I will not be jogging your memory.

The movie starts where the last one ended; with Laila (Rahama Sadau) showing up at the Beecroft family mansion and staring at it like she’s fighting the urge to burn it down.

Laila is revealed to be yet another illegitimate child of Chief Daddy who is fucking pissed because she grew up with his fatherly love and was excluded from his will. She has shown up from nowhere (seriously, we’re never told where she’s from or how she suddenly has all this power) to wreck the Beecroft family’s plans. She is somehow now the majority shareholder in Beecroft company and insists on not giving any of the family members the money Chief Daddy willed to them.

The family, who had almost gotten to Kumbaya status by the end of the last movie, are thrown into chaos again. They gather around the comically large dining table in the Beecroft family mansion to figure out what they’re going to do about this flimsy excuse for a sequel new threat to their funds.

Someone says they have to get rid of Laila. Femzy (Falz) thinks this is code for “murder” and starts thinking up ways to kill her. Lady Kay (Joke Silva) wakes up the next morning and is worried about not being able to throw a lavish 62nd birthday party for herself because she’s now a broke madam.

This is weird because her husband died like two weeks ago and she should be distraught. Then again, if I found out that a man I was married to for decades spent our entire marriage impregnating people around Nigeria like some kind of rabbit, I too wouldn’t give a shit about him dying.

She throws the party anyway but all the guests run for their lives when they realise that the party is giving…poverty. Femzy isn’t present for his mother’s disaster birthday party because he’s in the studio recording a song. He gets kicked out of the studio due to his inability to pay the studio fees.

Dammy (Mawuli Gavor), Chief Daddy’s eldest son and world-famous football player, is in London hanging out with some in-universe famous actress. She keeps giving him “fuck me” eyes but he doesn’t reciprocate because he’s now engaged to Adaora (Beverly Naya). When he gets up to leave, she goes in for a goodbye hug but plants a sneak attack kiss on his lips. Paparazzi get footage of this.

Dammy returns to Lagos and refuses to admit that he’s engaged during an interview because his manager insists that it’s better for his public image to be seen as a reckless bachelor than to be engaged to the daughter of a maid. Adaora is furious and demands to know if he takes their relationship seriously. He assures her that he does and as they’re about to makeup, the video of the famous actress kissing him goes viral. Adaora is fucking furious now and storms off to hang out seductively by the pool. Dammy approaches her and explains how the kiss happened.

They then engage in what I can only describe as the kissing equivalent of dry-humping in jeans.

Femzy has taken it upon himself to get his family’s fortune back from Laila. He first attempts to get close to her by getting a job at the company. It’s never made clear what role he’s going for, though, because he just walks into her office and demands that the company create an entertainment section for him. This doesn’t work so he comes up with the dumbest plan in movie history.

All Femzy needs to carry out his plan is money but he has none. Sisi Ice Cream (Linda Ejiofor) somehow comes up with the money needed and they both travel to Dubai. The moment they land, they run into a noisy ass cab driver named Omar (Brodda Shaggi).

Due to unintentionally unfunny hijinks, Femzy and Sisi Ice Cream run out of money before they can find a big music exec willing to invest in Femzy’s music. They decide to return home but Omar reignites Femzy’s passion by taking him to the Coca-Cola Arena (?)

This is strange because I’m pretty sure the thing they lack is money, not passion. Sisi Ice Cream would be great at writing “So You Don’t Have To” because she immediately points this out. Omar offers to let them stay at his place for a few weeks while he helps them search for a music exec he knows. Femzy calls Dammy to ask for some money so Dammy flies to Dubai with the money instead of just sending it to him. Dammy reveals that Omar doesn’t actually know any music exec and Femzy is angry as hell. These are Omar’s excuses for lying:

WHAT?!

Then Sisi Ice Cream goes:

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

In a last attempt to save his relationship with them, Omar suggests that Femzy perform at an open mic night somewhere in the city. Femzy does it and it goes kinda well (?) Honestly, I can’t tell. After that, Sisi Ice Cream suggests Femzy shoot his music video there so they all just go out in the weirdly empty streets and start filming.

And the music video goes viral. Because why the hell not?

They all return to Nigeria.

Dammy video calls Laila and convinces her to stop being so fucking bitter.

Dammy invites Laila to he and Adaora’s wedding. Laila gives a speech explaining that she’s no longer a villain. The entire family dances to Falz’ latest single.

Just so you know, Chief Daddy 2 is way more chaotic than this. I did my best to tie it all into a somewhat coherent narrative. I left out the subplot of Tinu and Teni (Funke Akindele and Kate Henshaw, respectively) courting the same man all through the movie and then deciding to both become his wives at the end because it grossed me out and made no sense.

That’s it. I’m done.

Someone please get me a painkiller.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I’ve spent the last few days thinking of all the episodes of “So You Don’t Have To” I’ve written in 2021 so as to pick out my absolute best five to put on this list, and I couldn’t. Do you know why?

Because they’re all amazing.

I’m funny as hell and every episode of SYDHT I’ve put out has been groundbreaking. I truly believe that future generations will sit around campfires/classrooms and talk about me like I was Comedian Jesus.

I’m glad we had that talk.

Just because I couldn’t put all of them on this list, here are my five favourite SYDHT episodes of 2021.

I Spoke To A Money Ritual Juju Man So You Don’t Have To

In December of 2020, I was contacted by a self-proclaimed herbalist who claimed he could make me a shit ton of money in a ritual that would NOT require a human life. I was going to ignore him because I don’t do demons but figured I could get a bitching SYDHT episode out of it. And baby, I DID. Read to find out how far down the rabbit hole I went in my attempt to find out how money rituals work.

Click here to read.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Suicide Mission” So You Don’t Have To

This 1998 Nollywood movie has everything. The eternally beautiful Regina Askia, Sugar Daddy RMD, old Nollywood witchcraft, necrophilia, telekinesis, trapped souls in groundnut bottles, the main antagonist turning into a dog at the end, much more shit. It also helps that the plot is batshit.

Click here to read it.

I Watched The Music Video For Peter Okoye’s Song “Look Into My Eyes” So You Don’t Have To

Peter Okoye — who now hilariously goes by Mr P — is one half of the defunct music duo P-Square. He and his identical twin brother, Paul, burst onto the scene in 2003 and ran things (things didn’t run them) until they had a fight in 2017 and went their separate ways. In 2018, Peter released the video for a song titled “Look Into My Eyes,” proving his determination to carry on the family tradition of violently ripping off Michael Jackson.

Click here to read it.

I Attended A Moaning Competition So You Don’t Have To

On the 15th of October 2021, a moaning competition took place on Twitter Spaces. I took it upon myself to attend the moaning competition undercover so I could recap the event for those who couldn’t attend or were too ashamed to. I still haven’t recovered. Dollars could speed up my recovery. Send me some.

Click here to read.

I Watched The 2020 Nollywood Movie, “Nneka The Pretty Serpent,” So You Don’t Have To

The makers of this iteration of “Nneka the Pretty Serpent” tried to solve the problem of the original movie (not having an actual plot) by giving a reason for Nneka’s murder spree. But due to the unintentionally hilarious execution and unnecessarily complex backstory, it doesn’t quite work and is confusing as hell.

Click here to read.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be telling the story of the time I tried pre-workout and almost sent myself to the great beyond.

I made a big mistake that day. And yes, I have ragrets.

Date: 11th of November 2021

Time: 7:50 a.m.

Location: Bedroom

Activity: Thinking

I’m lying in bed thinking about my fitfam journey. Ever since I fell off the rails in 2017, it’s been a mess. I think about how I registered at a gym in April 2021 and actually did the damn thing for a few months but fell off again. Now, three months later, I haven’t gone back because I’m always tired.

But that’s about to change. You see, I’ve recently encountered something that can turn my fitness journey around. The thing doesn’t belong to me, but I’m going to get my hands on it by any means necessary.

Summer body here I come.

Time: 10:30 a.m.

Location: Kitchen

Activity: Stealing

My partner has just bought a tub of pre-workout, and I am determined to try some of it without telling them.

I have no idea why I’m keeping this is a secret. I guess being fraudulent makes me feel alive. Anyway, I mix a scoop of the pre-workout powder in water. I expect it to have the same texture as a protein shake but it doesn’t and just looks like…powder in water. I’m like, “YOLO” and down it in one gulp. The high-pitched scream that escapes my lips immediately after swallowing would’ve made Ariana Grande say “Kilode?!”

The mixture tastes like citrus-flavoured battery acid.

Time: 11:26 a.m.

Location: On my way to the gym in a cab

Activity: Vibrating with energy

It’s been almost an hour since I drank the pre-workout and I feel excellent. I get to the gym and immediately start sprinting on the treadmill.

I spend 20 minutes on the treadmill, move straight to the elliptical machine, and start riding violently. I go from that to the weights section to work on my arms. When I’m done, I put my legs to work at the squat rack. I can feel the energy from the pre-workout coursing through my body like electricity and I feel ALIVE.

This must be what eating meth feels like.

Time: 12: 49 p.m.

Location: The gym floor

Activity: Trying not to die

One moment, I’m working the hell out of a stationary bike, and the next, I’m on the floor feeling faint. The room is spinning and my chest is doing gbim gbim. I wonder what could be causing this and remember that I took the pre-workout on an empty stomach. Fuck. It’s the middle of the day so I’m alone in that section of the gym. I lie there for a few minutes, unable to get up. Then I think about what the headlines would be if I die on the top floor of Nigeria’s fastest-growing gym chain, surrounded by stationary bikes. That gives me the strength to stand.

“Lagos fat man slumps and dies while working out.”

Time: 1:15 p.m.

Location: Sandwich shop beside the gym

Activity: Wolfing down a disgustingly healthy sandwich

In the sandwich shop’s defence, selling anything but healthy food next to a gym would be plain evil. I made my way there and frantically demanded a sandwich, scaring the attendants so much, they hand me the sandwich before asking for money. As I sit there eating a sandwich filled with leaves, I remember the stock photos of white people laughing while eating salads and wonder what the fuck they’re laughing at because this shit tastes like grass.

Fuck those lying Caucasians.

Time: 1:30 p.m.

Location: Gym toilet

Activity: Virtual work meeting

Turns out a client scheduled an important meeting for that time and I totally forgot about it. Fortunately, I had enough energy to “Hmmm” and “Yah” my way through it. Capitalism is the worst.

I picked the toilet because I needed a quiet place and the gym plays loud ass music 24/7.

Time: 3: 21 p.m.

Location: Home

Activity: Realising that I could’ve fucking died that day

I’m reading the instructions on the side of the pre-workout container and it says that beginners should first try half a scoop to see how their body reacts to it. It also says that pre-workout contains the caffeine equivalent of four cups of coffee and that people with hypertension should stay away from it. Guess who has two thumbs and blood pressure that’s high as shit?

Me.

I could’ve died of a heart attack. Girl, I…

Time: 4:39 a.m.

Location: Bedroom

Activity: Screaming in frustration

It’s been over 12 hours since I got home, and I’m exhausted but can’t sleep because the pre-workout electricity is still running through me. I scream, “Eli Eli lama sabachthani?!” and fall to the floor in tears. My partner is stressed out and sitting in a chair, watching me display madness. I’ve refused to let them sleep because HOW DARE THEY SLEEP WHEN I’M IN DISTRESS?!

“I’M A GOOD PERSON! I DON’T DESERVE THIS!!”

Time: 7:23 a.m.

Location: Kitchen floor

Activity: FINALLY sleeping

Never again will I attempt to use performance enhancers. Nah fat I fat. I no kill person.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Alter Ego,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 2017 Nollywood movie, Alter Ego.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

You are going to angrily flip a table when you find out why this is the movie’s name.

Alter Ego was released in 2017. It marked Omotola’s return to the big screen after a few years away and was heavily marketed using clips from the movie’s cringe-worthy sex scenes. It didn’t click at the time but I’m willing to bet that this movie was inspired by the TV show, How To Get Away With Murder.

So you can see why.

The movie starts at a courthouse in Lagos, which is abuzz with reporters publicizing the proceedings of the high-profile sexual assault case going on inside…

…to the eager general public.

This immediately lets me know that this movie takes place in some alternate universe’s version of Nigeria where cases of any kind get this much coverage or any at all.

The case is about the sexual assault of a teenage girl by a rich and powerful man. Barrister Ada Igwe (Omotola Jalade Ekeinde), a human rights lawyer, is defending the girl. When it seems like the rich man is about to escape prison time by claiming he wasn’t in the country when the alleged assault happened, Ada stands and up screams:

She then provides receipts that he actually was in the country at the time of the assault, sending him to prison. By the time the opening credits roll, it’s been established – by the reporters repeating it every 6 seconds – that Ada Igwe is a well-known human rights lawyer who has dedicated her life to getting justice for the victims of sexual assault. It’s also shown that when the law fails, Ada is willing to do anything necessary to make sure sex offenders get their comeuppance, one way or another.

On her way home from the court, it’s revealed that Ada is a nymphomaniac when she decides to have a genital meet & greet with her driver in the back seat of her car WHILE STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

When they get to her house, she gives him a three-month salary advance and fires him. Apparently, her M.O is to sleep with her employees and then pay them to leave when she’s done. She does this with her gardener…

…and her SISTER’S HUSBAND, Daniel (Kunle Remi), who she hires to work for her law firm after he loses his job. They’re driving to work together one day when she’s like:

And so she does in the very next scene:

He catches feelings for her immediately.

[newsletter]

Ada acknowledges that this is an incredibly shitty thing she’s doing but keeps slobbing on his knob anyway. She begs him not to tell her sister, Zika.

Meanwhile, a politician named Timothy Ighodaro (Wale Ojo) takes an interest in Ada.

He befriends Ada, claiming to also be a human rights activist and even accompanies her to a few IDP camps to deliver provisions. After a while, they become close and start sucking each other faces.

One day, Ada finds out that one of the teenage girls she’s defended in court may, like her, have a sex addiction. She is horrified by this, and after taking the girl to a therapist, tearfully reveals to Timothy the reason she’s so passionate about fighting for human rights! She was molested at the age of 13 by a teacher back in secondary school, causing her to create an ALTER EGO to hide her sex addiction, which she believes was caused by the abuse. Timothy is sympathetic, and this conversation makes Ada decide to get a handle on her sex addiction. She fires Daniel so she won’t be tempted to bump genitals with him anymore.

During one of Ada’s visits to an IDP camp, she spots a girl named Aisha (Emem Inwang) who looks bruised up and deathly terrified of something/someone. Ada tries to find out what’s wrong but whenever she tries to strike up a conversation, the girl runs off screaming. Ada realises that Aisha is afraid to talk in public so she has Aisha KIDNAPPED from the camp and brought to her house.

After calming herself, Aisha explains that the reason she’s constantly terrified is that Timothy Ighodaro has been sexually assaulting her for months and has threatened to kill her if she tells anyone. Ada is sceptical, but Aisha is like:

Aisha produces receipts in the form of pictures that her brother took of all the time Timothy has come to the camp for nefarious reasons. Distraught and confused, Ada goes to get advice from her sister, Zika, about the situation. She falls asleep in Zika’s living room, which leads to Zika seeing the following texts from her husband to Ada.

Zika is fucking furious and throws Ada out of the house. Having lost the trust of her only remaining family member and confidant, she wanders the street barefoot and has the obligatory “main character showers depressingly to show that their life has fallen apart” scene.

Ada confronts Timothy with the pictures and he doesn’t deny it. He says he expected she’d understand because, like her, he too was molested as a child and only rapes people as a side effect of his abuse. When she lets him know that her explanation makes no fucking sense, he threatens to out her to society as a sex addict. She doesn’t back down and takes him to court to get justice for Amina.

The attorney goes on to claim that Ada is using this court case (and by proxy, Aisha) to get back at Timothy for breaking up with her after finding out about her sex addiction. The next thing you know, Timothy’s lawyer starts bringing witnesses to the stand to defame Ada’s character. First up is Zika, who is still pissed as hell that Ada slept with her husband.

Up next is Daniel, who is still upset that Ada will no longer let him eat her hairy snail.

This goes on a WHILE and the judge just allows it until Ada is like:

She drops proof that Timothy molested Aisha and many others in the IDP camp and he gets carted off to prison for 14 years.

A few weeks after the case, Ada tracks down the teacher who molested her as a teenager. She finds him blind, bedridden from multiple illnesses and living in a swamp. She whips out a gun from her purse and goes to shoot him in the face as revenge but changes her mind, deciding that life is already kicking his ass for his sins. she emerges from her molester’s swamp to find Zika and Daniel waiting for her. They all quietly point guns at each other.

And just as the screen goes black, we hear a gunshot.

We never find out who gets shot.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Oracle,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood horror movie, “Oracle.”

This has very little to do with the movie or this poster, but I met Charles Okafor a few weeks ago at a supermarket, and he’s still a Zaddy. I just thought y’all would like to know.

I remember watching this movie as a child in the late 90s, and the entire cast was young, somehow hip, and at the top of their game. Now, two of them have been dead for over five years and the rest aren’t even in movies anymore. Kinda makes you think about how Father Time is matching forward ruthlessly, pushing every single person – whether they want to be moved or not – towards a family grave in Ikoyi cemetery, with an ugly ass tombstone covered in tacky, overpriced bathroom tiles.

That’s it. That’s this week’s opener.

It starts with a bunch of people on a bus. They look like they’re in the middle of nowhere so my guess is that they’re travelling from one state to another. They’re chilling, doing regular people shit. Two of them look like they’re planning to fornicate, and it’s so sweet to observe.

Ominous music swells and a car shows up in the bus’ rearview mirror.

The car runs the bus off the road and armed men emerge from it. The bus’ passengers attempt to lock the doors but that doesn’t work because the robbers have associates on the bus. Even though they’re just there to steal, they whip out Famicom video game-looking guns and start shooting people at random like they’re playing Duck Hunt.

After killing a couple of people, a police squad shows up and there’s a shootout. This is the confirmation I need to know that this movie takes place in an alternate reality because when was the last time the Nigerian police actually did their job?

The police win and some of the robbers are killed. We’re never told what the fuck all that is about because the movie’s opening credits roll and there’s a 9-month time jump. The remaining members of the robbery gang, Obinna (Saint Obi), Uche (Ejike Asiegbu), and Donatus (Charles Okafor) have been assembled for one last job by some guy that’s supposed to be a caucasian American but really looks like Filipino Lionel Richie.

Obinna and Uche are all for stealing the mask of Okpakiri, but Donatus is worried that Okpakiri will fuck them up for stealing from it. The others quickly shame Donatus into going along with the plan by saying:

They go to the village and attempt to steal the mask themselves but abort the mission when they keep hearing noises in the woods. They decide to get help from two of the village’s elders. They explain their mission to the elders, Odimkpa (Pete Edochie) and Ifedi (Enebeli Elebuwa), and the elders are at first horrified by the idea of stealing from a spirit. But Obinna, Uche, and Donatus offer the elders N500,000 each, and this immediately changes their minds.

To avoid being seen by the other villagers, they all go at night to steal the mask. Odimkpa spits some Igbo incantations to conjure the mask.

When the chief priest of Okpakiri’s shrine shows up for work the next morning, he sees the mask is missing and screams:

The gang of thieves make it back to Lagos and deliver Okpakiri’s mask to Filipino Lionel Richie. Filipino Lionel Richie takes the mask into a backroom to inspect it. Then this happens:

What the fuck this interaction was about is never explained.

Filipino Lionel Richie returns from the backroom and gives the gang the money for the job (N9 million). What follows is a montage of the boys spending their money on random things. Donatus buys his fiancée a car…

…and Obinna starts building a house.

We’re never told what Uche does with his cut. I’m assuming it had a lot to do with drugs and prostitutes, and that’s why it wasn’t shown onscreen.

If you’re wondering how they’re able to do all this with N3 million each (N9 million split three ways), remember that this movie was released in 1998 and the economy wasn’t as shitty as it is now.

Unknown to our gang of thieves, Okpakiri is angry as hell that it has been robbed. To get revenge, it builds itself a physical body in the form of a naked gym bro covered in gold paint and wearing a straw bob wig.

Okpakiri sets off on a journey to Lagos to kill the thieves. He makes his first public appearance at Uche’s birthday party, killing the celebrant by spiritually choking him to death.

The gag is that Uche is the only one who sees Okpakiri so Obinne and Donatus don’t yet know that they’re now starring in their very own horror movie. The idea that they’re being haunted and killed off by Okpakiri eventually crosses Donatus’ mind so he and Obinna go ask Odimkpa what the hell is going on.

But it soon becomes clear that something is happening when Ifedi dies in a freak accident…

…and Obinna is impaled by an iron rod after falling from the top of his uncompleted building.

Donatus returns to the village, trying to find a way to escape death but is promptly killed by Okpakiri.

When Odimkpa realises that he’s the only one left, he tries to hang himself.

But Okpakiri shows up and is like:

The movie ends with a cliffhanger every old Nollywood fan is familiar with.

But that was a fucking lie because there was never a sequel.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Old Nollywood Movie, “Died Wretched,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 classic Nollywood movie, “Died Wretched.”

The wig Eucharia’s has on in this poster will haunt my dreams for eternity.

There are some Nollywood movies that, based on their titles alone, you know will be about one someone (or people) just suffering anyhow from start to finish. That’s exactly what “Died Wretched” is about. Brace yourself for the impact of onscreen poverty accompanied by a sad as hell late 90s Nollywood soundtrack.

The movie starts with a man named Lucas (Tom Njemanze) returning from work. You can tell that Lucas is going through it because he’s on a bus with his coworkers and they’re talking about how they haven’t been paid salaries in two months. Lucas gets home to find his children in various stages of despair.

You see, because he hasn’t been paid in so long, they’re dirt poor and can’t afford anything to buy food. After spending some time in his room wondering why sapa has him in a chokehold…

…he decides to offer up one of his sons as a sales boy to an old colleague of his named Mayor.

Mayor doesn’t take Lucas’ son as a sales boy because he thinks it’ll be weird, but he does give Lucas N50,000. He talks about Lucas’ billionaire nephew, Chris (Tony Umez), and asks why Lucas hasn’t asked him for money yet. Lucas says that Chris always makes promises but never delivers. Lucas goes to Chris’ house the next day but Chris isn’t home. He meets his wife, Sarah (Eucharia Anunobi) instead. Sarah calls Chris and they have a conversation that goes like this:

Sarah doesn’t send Lucas home, though, because she feels bad for him and wants Chris to help. While they’re waiting for Chris to return, Lucas reveals to Sarah that he too used to be rich as fuck but all that changed when the fire nation attacked.

I couldn’t help myself.

All that changed when Chris got arrested and Lucas had to use all his money to get Chris out of jail. He says he also paid Chris’ way through school and is super pissed that Chris is refusing to give him money to start a business. And while I get why he’s upset, his entire thing is doing my body somehow because it reeks of entitlement. Maybe it’s just me sha.

Chris gets back and finds Lucas sleeping in the living room. He goes to his and Sarah’s bedroom and gets into a fight with her for not sending Lucas home as he asked. Sarah reads him for filth, telling him to stop being a stingy bastard and help the man who sacrificed so much for his success. Chris agrees to give Lucas a house and N5 million to start a spare parts business. Lucas is excited and immediately goes to find a shop to rent. When he returns to Chris to get rent money for the shop, Chris says:

And Lucas immediately starts going:

Which makes Chris go:

To calm Lucas down, Chris gives him a wad of cash and begs him to be patient. But Lucas gets angry and storms out with the cash, screaming that he doesn’t need Chris’ help anymore because the embarrassment he has faced is too much. It’s revealed soon after that Chris is a lying piece of shit who is cheating on Sarah. We even see him buy his side chick a car.

Meanwhile, Lucas and his family get thrown out of their house for owing rent. It’s revealed here that Lucas believes that Sarah is the reason Chris doesn’t deliver on his promises. He insists that Sarah has instructed Chris to not give money to his relatives. This is insane because Sarah is the one who keeps pleading on his behalf.

Lucas’s wife, Joy (Rachel Oniga), shows up at Chris’ office one day looking distraught. Chris thinks she has come for the money he promised and writes a check but this happens:

He and Joy sit together and cry unintentionally hilarious tears.

Chris goes home to inform Sarah that Lucas is dead and she’s like:

Chris and Sarah go to the village to plan Lucas’ burial. At the meeting with their other relatives, Chris stands up and announces that he wants to give Lucas a befitting burial by spending a shit ton of money on it. One guy present is like:

Before Chris can respond, the women at the meeting start a fight with Sarah, accusing her of being the reason Chris never helped Lucas. Sarah holds her own against the women and I am AROUSED.

Six months pass and it’s finally time for the burial. Chris goes all out with the preparations. As Lucas’ casket is being lowered into the ground, the pastor halts proceedings and uses bible verses to indirectly insult the shit out of Chris. Then Lucas is buried and everyone…

Do you know what will always bother me about this movie? Certain plot threads are never tied up. Like Chris’ side chick or the fact that Chris never said a word to support Sarah when his people thought she was the reason for his stinginess.

I’m stressed.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Movie “Beyonce & Rihanna” So You Don’t Have To