Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “Divine Experience of a Nigerian Soldier In The Land of The Dead”.

I like today’s book a lot because it’s a period piece (lol). It’s the story of a guy who was killed during the Nigerian civil war and his experiences in the afterlife. The book never mentions his name, only that he waited over 30 years to tell his story for some reason. And that when he did, it was at a Deeper Life Christian Church revival program in 2002.

At some point during the civil war, our protagonist had just enlisted in the Nigerian army and wanted nothing more than to be on the battlefield taking out the enemies like a fun game of Call Of Duty. However, after his training, he was made a Quarter Master (i.e. the guy in charge of issuing uniforms and ammunition to soldiers). He was pissed.

Not long after, he got his wish and was sent to the war front. He was shot and killed three months later. He said he had no idea when the bullet hit. All he noticed was that he was suddenly enveloped by thick darkness. He kept running through it, though, because he somehow had no idea he had died.

This monologue is killing me.

While trying to get out of the darkness, he saw a light ahead. He ran straight for it until he encountered a fork in the road. As he stood, wondering which way to go, he heard a loud booming voice ask:

“Where are you coming from?”

And he replied:

“I’m coming from the world.”

He says the booming voice then proceeded to ask him how long he’d spent in the world and to reveal all the things he had done, which he did.

Basically, they had a long-ass conversation.

Did the darkness keep morphing and stretching to make enough room for him to run through? A fork in the road? Did that mean there were now two lights ahead? Remember that at this point, he still didn’t know he had died. So why did he answer the booming voice’s question the way he did? Why am I doing this??

After confessing all his deeds, he began crying because there was more bad than good. He said that immediately after this, a giant book appeared before him containing all the sins he had just confessed.

At this point, the booming voice suddenly said, “look to your left and go in there“ and before our protagonist could react, he found himself on a conveyor belt being taken to a hot ass place from which emerged terrified voices shouting and crying for help.

THIS was when he realized that he had died.

As our protagonist was about to be thrown headfirst into the lake of fire.

This lake of fire:

He heard yet another disembodied voice that told him all his sins have been forgiven and that he should go back the way he came and make things right. He said that he ran back the way he came…

…and the next thing he knew, he felt his spirit re-enter his body…

…just as it was about to be buried!

Conveniently, the book doesn’t specify how much time passed between when he died and when his spirit returned. Hours? Days??

The discrepancies in this timeline of events are fucking with me.

He then goes on to explain the concept of eternity in 4 paragraphs using like 70 different analogies.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “The Danger Of Fornication And It Consequences”.

The author (whoever that is, the book doesn’t say) starts the book with a definition of fornication, defining it as “a sexual relationship that exists between an unmarried man and woman.” Accompanying this shaky definition is a stock image that made me spit water all over my laptop in a failed attempt to not laugh.

A classic case of a guy bragging about his ‘skills’ pre-coitus – raising the girl’s hopes – and then only lasting 40 seconds during the actual deed.

The book personifies Fornication and describes it as a slave master that ensures the bondage of anyone who engages it. It also warns anyone who encounters Fornication to run (as opposed to staying to fight) because Fornication is a bad bitch who wins all her fights.

At this point, I paused to imagine Fornication in human form as a bad bitch. What I imagined, looked something like this:

I also imagined her holding a bullwhip instead of a gun, but that’s a personal preference I’d rather not talk about.

What follows this is my favourite chapter in the whole book. A chapter titled:

This chapter claims to reveal the foundational root and cause of sexual immorality in humans. It starts with men.

Before I had time to question why the author made the elephant/lizard connection, they go on to list two muscles…

…and I legit fell off my chair like…

…because girl, what the hell? Lmao.

The author goes on to explain that these two muscles are greater than all other organs and have disgraced many men and paralysed the destinies of countless others throughout history.

He then explains the root of sexual immorality in women.

Girl I –

There will never be a grosser nickname for vagina than “Hole Muscle”.

This chapter also says that every woman has a tiny guardian angel who acts as a gateman to her womb. And that terrible things will befall any woman who gets rid of her guardian angel gateman and uses her vagina anyhow.

The next chapter starts with a personal story from the author. He says that he once attended a program at a church headed by a friend of his. That friend showed him a really tall uncompleted building and revealed that a girl died there a few months prior. How the woman died, however, is the stuff after school specials are made off.

Apparently, the girl had been chatting with a guy on Facebook (where else?) for a while. They eventually made plans to meet, the man insisting that they meet at the top of the super tall uncompleted building. The book says that the girl – not being suspicious at all about the rendezvous point – went to meet the guy dressed in sinful and ungodly clothes.

Here’s the story’s conclusion:

I feel like he implied that sexting was what killed her but you know what?

Here’s what the next chapter had to say about pornography and the people who watch it.

The author takes his time to explain that fornication opens you up to diseases (both physical and spiritual). According to him, fornication leads to demon transfer i.e (and this is his example btw) if a man or woman possesses 2000 demons within and you bump genitals with them, you automatically get half of those demons transferred to you.

I’ve seen The Exorcist for God’s sake.

The last chapter, titled: Sexual Boundaries, talks about how sexual immorality is spreading so fast, even children are doing it. The author complains that staying sexually pure in this age of free porn is a Herculean task. He goes on to say that the number one reason people fall into sexual temptation is that they get too comfortable around the opposite sex believing that they have control over their urges, while in reality, control is A LIE.

This is the author’s idea of how two members of the opposite sex should interact so as to avoid getting the urge to bump squishy parts:

What base is this?!

The book ends with these warnings:

Is it ever that deep?

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “4 Hour Interview in Hell.”

Is it just me or does that look like Chris Brown?

The book starts with the setting for the story – a teacher’s training college in 1974. A man named Dare Martins is visited by his friend, Allen Bamgbose. After chatting for a while, they’re joined by two other guys named Kunle and Taiwo. For some reason, they begin talking about the most horrifying things they’ve ever experienced – you know, like normal friends do when they get together. Dare’s story was about witnessing some shit during the civil war. Taiwo’s story was about a plane crash that claimed seven lives. Kunle’s story was about the one time he experienced an earthquake during his time abroad.

Things take a turn for the “Nigga, what?” when Allen’s story ends up being about the time he got a journalist VIP pass to hell and got to walk around, interviewing some of its residents – in a dream.

You just know that at least one person in that room was like:

But they’d already told their stories and were bound by the law of niceness to listen to his. So, they let him narrate the following story to them.

CHAPTER 1

Allen is taking a nap on a hot afternoon in 1967 when he’s suddenly snatched up out of his room and placed on a path leading to the pearly gates of heaven.

As his excitement grows about getting into the good place – even though he has no idea when exactly he died – a tall Yoruba-speaking angel stops him in his tracks and gives him the official Mount Zion movie angel speech. You know, this speech:

“You can’t die now because you still have unfinished business with God. You have a message to pass across. Come and see, why you must go back and spread our message more passionately.”

Then this happens:

CHAPTER 2

After walking for seven minutes, they get to their destination.

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUN!

They stop in front of hell’s gate so the angel can deliver a whole ass monologue shading modern-day pastors for preaching about materialism as opposed to salvation and godliness. They then walk into the underworld and spend a minute taking in its vast awfulness. Allen is fucking horrified by what he’s seeing and is still trying to wrap his head around things when the angel says, “This is why you must go back and tell everybody to repent. Whatever is revealed to you here, take it, go back to the world and tell it!” and vanishes, leaving Allen alone.

What follows is a hauntingly beautiful description of the first demon Allen sees after he’s left alone.

After ogling the hell out of the demon, Allen begins his series of interviews, starting with a woman he happens to have attended secondary school with named Rita.

LMAO! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!

I would gist you about the short conversation he claims they had but you NEED to read it for yourself.

Before he could ask her more stuff, she was swallowed by fire and never seen again.

Damn.

CHAPTER 3

Not long after talking to Rita, Allen encounters a teenage girl who says she’s been there since 1932. When asked about the sin that landed her an eternity of hot girl summer, she responds with this:

A recurring theme in this series.

After leaving Sabrina the teenage witch, Allen runs into yet another person he knew when they were alive. (WHAT ARE THE OD –) A woman named Mrs Emily Adeyombo, who also happened to be a deaconess. Mrs Emily informs Allen that what did her in was the sin of unforgiveness. She had beef with the choirmaster at their church and didn’t squash it before she died because she was older and expected him to apologize.

Someone should warn that choirmaster.

CHAPTER 4

I’ve been recapping these books for a couple of weeks now and a thing they all have in common is how they all contain thinly-veiled threats of how terrible things will happen to you if you doubt them. I’d been waiting for this book’s threat and it finally came in this chapter, in the form of a guy Allen comes across. This guy’s torture is more extreme than anything Allen has seen in his time there. Here’s the conversation they have:

Wait. So he got to heaven’s gate, got accused of sinning his entire life, and his reply was “FAKE NEWS?!” Lmao! What?!

Who steals a walkie-talkie??

Before Allen can ask more questions, Michael is swallowed up by hellfire, a thing that – based on the way it’s been ending conversations at hella dramatic moments – I’m starting to believe is sentient.

CHAPTER 5

Allen’s next interviewee is a Canadian medical practitioner named Joyce, who, according to Allen, actually introduces herself as “Joyce from Canada.” A weird way to introduce yourself in a place where your name doesn’t matter, much less your country of origin.

Joyce’s sin is that she was pro-choice in life and helped a ton of women have abortions. She says that a medical student once preached to her about abortion being murder but she ignored him because she believed in science or whatever. Sentient fire takes her away before she can say anything else so Allen moves on to his next interviewee, a pastor in hell for stealing church funds.

CHAPTER 6

Tea, anyone?

That’s the last thing Allen remembers before waking up.

Me, after reading this entire thing:

See you next week, y’all.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s piece is an excerpt from the book, Another Warning.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

This guy.

From what I could find out, Ubani Kingsley is a man who has had so many personal encounters with God that even Moses would’ve been like “Kilode?”. He claims to have dedicated his life to preaching salvation and bringing deliverance to his people, the members of Fountain of Salvation Ministries International, a church he founded. The book promises that reading brother Ubani’s experiences in his own words will forever change your life.

According to brother Ubani, it was the 21st of June, 2012. He had woken up at 2:10 am to have his quiet time when he felt a presence in his room. He didn’t bother to check, though, because he was sure he’d properly locked his doors before turning in so he kept on doing his thing until he heard someone call his name at 2:57 am. He turned around and saw three men standing there, dressed in white. Two of them had wings and swords. The third man was the son of God, Jesus Christ, Superstar.

This also means that Jesus appeared in Ubani’s room and waited for 47 MINUTES before announcing his presence. WHY?

Brother Ubani says he was terrified until Jesus asked him to quit freaking out and confirmed that he was only there to congratulate him for him being such a good messenger in the past. As a token of appreciation, Jesus gave brother Ubani super-secret gist.

Immediately after this groundbreaking tea, brother Ubani says that Jesus asked him why his house smelled like garbage. Ubani, super embarrassed, began looking for any forgotten pile of dirt that could be causing this but one of the angels was like, “The stench is coming from there,” gesturing to the corner of Ubani’s room containing his DVD. The other angel walked over to the CD collection and brought out a couple of movies that included the following titles: Clash of The Titans, Vs the Bagdad, Cruel War, The Delta Force, Okochi (Igbo film) Wrestling Films and also, some Christians Music.

I don’t know what those other things are so all I got from that last part was the casual Clash of the Titans slander thrown in. Ubani says all this happened in June 2012, just three months after the release of Wrath of the Titans (sequel to the 2010 Clash of the Titans remake) was released. So it’s safe to assume that the copy Ubani owned was of the 2010 remake, which means that the angels weren’t wrong to say it stank because that movie actually SUCKED ASS.

I see what they did there.

This happened next:

Ubani says that hearing this from Jesus deeply terrified him. Implying that unlike the rest of us, Ubani somehow never got caught up in the Illuminati/Hollywood collabo conspiracy YouTube attacked everyone with during the late 2000s/ early 2010s.

Interesting.

According to Ubani, Jesus said this next:

All this made me imagine is Satan and a few demons jamming hard to Heavy Metal whenever hell gets word that yet another Christian has bought a pair of low waist, skinny jeans.

Jesus even told Ubani to be wary of some Christian music, as Satan has found a way to influence some of them to initially sound Christian but later fill your mind with filth when you’re less spiritually alert.

They never tell us how to tell the difference.

According to Ubani, Jesus goes on to say that anyone claiming to be a gospel artiste but releases tracks in any genre that worldly people would consider “popping” is a dirty liar and a fake bitch who lives a dirty life.

Check out this bit of information which registers as shade thrown at 80% of Nigerian churches:

The whole thing ends with this message:

And after what I guess were the parting words of “Ngwa bye!” and a quick wave, Jesus & the angels left.

And this just left me with more questions than answers. Like, do they really have to make stops at every country in the WOLRD containing Christians? What’s the point of being the son of God if you can’t just sit on your blinged-out throne and send out a mass telepathic message? You know, like Professor X does with Cerebro?

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “The Assignment Of The Queen Of Coast Against Christians”

And there she is. Serving occultic pageant queen realness.

I usually start these things with a small paragraph about the author but this book legit has no author. It just…starts. The very first line is written in the third person. After that, everything else is written in the first person and reads like a particularly angry entry from the diary of the Queen of the Coast herself. It’s the kind of thing that could totally become a hilarious/menacing voiceover monologue delivered by Jane Lynch in her Sue Sylvester voice.

Asides from letting you know that the Queen of the Coast is all kinds of pissed, the book’s opening hits you with some kingdom of darkness statistics:

Am I surprised that the Queen of the Coast is a slave driver? Of course not. That’s completely on-brand with everything she stands for. However, I feel like losing 50 out of 1.2 billion souls is a loss even Jeff Bezos would be fine with.

She informs them that Lucifer is depressed about the stats and just can’t bring himself to even anymore, which means that they have to step their game up before things get worse. She tells the people she’s talking to that she’s sending them into the world and that they better return with a good report in six months or consider themselves dead. The book then introduces the reader to the people she’s been yelling at this whole time using the following image.

Her minions i.e LITERAL slay kings & queens.

She then points to a SCREEN and lists three categories of humans on it.

• The first category of humans are walking around naked. She tells her minions that the naked ones are the people yet to accept Jesus into their lives. “They are the ones whose flesh we’ll eat and then use their blood to make cosmetics for women!” It’s good to know that the underworld is also against waste.

• The second category of humans have shiny white clothes on. These ones are Christians who should be attacked ASAP because they still have the strong potential to backslide.

• The third category are also dressed in shiny white clothes but are shielded with fire. These are prayerful Christians and this is how the Queen of the Coast describes them: “When we say Yes, they say No when we build, they destroy if we close they open when we bind they lose, they are mad people and they are the one disturbing our kingdom, once any of them fall into your trap, KILL THEM QUICKLY.”

It tickled me immensely to find out that the Queen of the Coast’s grand plan to destroy the lives of Christians everywhere is SEX. Sex in church! Sex in schools! Sex in offices! Sex in markets! Sex on the internet! SEX IN THE STREETS!

You guys, her manifesto reads like the bridge of Tony Matterhorn’s “Dutty Wine.”

She then hurls the weirdest threat I have ever heard at her minions:

It’s hard not to feel bad Jikaya, Kakadika, and Aguanna.

She tells them that they have all the powers they need in the form of cosmetics. She reveals that makeup and cosmetics are so powerful because they’re made of the ashes of demons who failed in their tasks. At this point, I stopped reading and remembered Stromboli (from 1940’s Pinocchio), the puppet master who owned Pinocchio for a while. He had a horrifying ritual of chopping up old puppets who could no longer perform and using them for firewood. Do old demons with weak hips get crushed into powder and made into Fenty eye shadow?

Do demons age?

Things calm down a bit as the Queen of the Coast settles in for storytime. She tells us about how she once took down a powerful evangelist named Bayonle, with the help of one of her best agents, Titi.

According to this story, Titi just walked up to Evangelist Bayonle one day and claimed that she had a dream of them evangelising together. Bayonle agreed and they started hanging out a lot, which led to him developing feelings for her. Not long after, they got married. How Titi got Bayonle to marry her so fast is explained in two paragraphs you just have to read for yourself:

After the wedding, the Queen of the Coast swooped in with her orders, wonderfully illustrated in this image:

I don’t know about you but if I was carrying out orders given to me by the kingdom of darkness, I would also do it while wearing a fabulous church hat.

Titi succeeded, and Evangelist Bayonle died.

The book doesn’t even give you enough time to wrap your head around this story or mentally pour one out for our fallen brother, Bayonle, when Queen Mother Coast goes into a rant about how much she hates the Christians in Nigeria for being so strong and prayerful. She says that because Nigeria is becoming the evangelical overseer of Africa, 1.8 million trained female spiritual assassins have been sent to destroy Christians here.

She insults Christians for using prayers to thwart her plan to destroy the country with ebola and brags about how she’s about to launch a new disease into the country. This disease will be contractable from toilets and will only be cured by drugs (made in the kingdom of darkness) which will automatically brand whoever takes it with the mark of the beast.

In other words, our two options are to walk around with an inflamed asshole or get the mark of the beast.

My favourite part of the whole thing is how it ends. The Queen of the Coast’s closing speech reads like she’s doing an impression of a female rapper reminding everyone at the end of a concert that she’s the baddest bitch.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Can’t you just imagine Nicki Minaj rapping this?! LMAO

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